Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 5 - The Baron Visits

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

Mysterious guest, Wade the Wanderer, just might be an old villain in disguise.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of a... the following podcast is not real. I know, you're thinking, but the flawless production value. The endless stream of top level talent. I don't understand. No, you don't understand. And my job is to keep you safe from the terrifying facts swirling around just outside your window, allowing you to find simple enjoyment in our clever little audio pantomime, forever hovering on the ratings charts just below welcome to Nightvale.

Just trust me and don't worry about what else is out there. I'm like the witch in Rapunzel! Well, the version from Tangled, who's kind of fun and probably based on Paddy Lapone. Man, could she rock a shawl? Alright, have you settled into the bath? Shark cutery board, balanced on one knee? The hardcover large print edition of Eat, Pray, Love on the other? Then sit back?

Not too far, that prosciutto is top heavy! And enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the Magic Galinda Foon. I'm your host, beautiful Arnold. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of them. Did I use or did I miss it? Yeah. Did I miss him saying beautiful Arnie?

Yeah, you missed it. Ah, yes. I tried to time it just right. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional Rift. And Arnie, do you use that audio to upload a podcast from here, the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nibblebottom? Yeah, at the base of the Unnamable Mountain in the land of Foon. Well, Unnamable, I could name it. I mean, we'll try! Try, we try! I could name it. I mean we'll try try we try I could name it if I wanted to

We'll just for example okay. Well, let me okay. Let me stare out the tavern window here So that that mountain is clearly It's clearly I Can't What's wrong? John mouth. I can't I'm trying to form the words that 90% of what you do is come up with names for things and you can't name that mountain. That is a strong magic. Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo My name is Beautiful Arnold. I am joined as always by my co-host, Chump the Talking Badger. Oh yeah.

Oh no wait, have you lost all naming ability? Oh yeah, baby. There we go. That's what I was looking for. Oh okay. I don't know, my something's wrong with my jaw. Maybe some side effects from all those oils you rubbed on yourself last week? No, Arnie, I thought, well, it might be,

but I'm pretty sure it's because I attempted fate and I tried to name the unnamed Will Mountain. I think I'm being punished. Arnie, you try. You try. Okay, hmm, hmm, let's see here. The thing is, it usually takes me a good long time to think of a name anyway.

Okay, we can cut somebody's out. Ah, okay, we've cut out 20 minutes, Arnie. Hmm. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah, see, I got the same thing. It just took me longer to get there. Huh, interesting, interesting.

You saw your old bag of bones? This is a chore chart. Now, in the basement, fuck. We each have some responsibilities, which some of us are not living up to, so I've made this chart to clearly define when someone goes down there and cleans up the messes, when someone takes the food down, when someone sings the book club to sleep, and uh, and uh, it's very clear here on the chart how we take care of the book club You said in my defense. I don't care You said or it's not safe for you to bring the chore chart up from the basement and just be waving around in the tavern Well, it's not safe for me to ignore the chore chart whenever and else is ignoring it and I'm the only one doing the work

Oh, you're the only one doing the work. Yeah, motherfucker, I'm gonna take you up to the top of, oh, oh, oh, and throw your ass off, okay? Wow. You said, or everyone in all of Foon thinks that the dark lord is dead and you killed him. Which he is, if anyone plays this now, if he is. But you made a private chore chart that says,'t forget the Dark Lord isn't really dead and we're trapping him here in the basement No one can know about this, but also who's gonna clean up this shit?

I have a very simple system on this chart turn page over Dark Lord is alive Dark Lord is alive Dark Lord is alive I'll fine. I'll set it on fire. Get even like Tinkawa. Well now we don't know when we gotta do our chores. Yes. Idiots. I don't have to do my chores. Which is good because I'm spending all my time and energy in trying to campaign for Town Daddy.

Oh, how was that? How was that going? It's going pretty good. I've tried to go around to as many citizens as possible and go up to them and say what's up champ? Stuff like that and I try to everyone who's birthday it is. I try and give them five gold coin Which I haven't done a good job of so I've had to write a lot of IOUs Usador if you could help me with those oh sure no problem and just a lot of sage advice now You say what's up champ? Yeah,. Now, you say what's up champ?

Yeah, well I'll say what's up champ? Or like how's it going big guys? You know stuff like that. I don't know why this strikes me now, but that would be a great name for a horse. Yeah. Champ. Yeah.

Like champing at the bit. Huh, yeah. Champ the horse. Huh, something to think about. Yeah, I think half the people would like it. Juju, so if you're running for town daddy, have you met the other contender for town daddy? Like, wasn't the old town daddy killed by his brother?

Yeah, I believe that's what we heard from the spirit from the well, Wisla, yeah. Wisla, yeah, but I haven't met that town daddy. The person that I have met is another person like me trying to campaign to run for town daddy. His name is Jack Catalyst. He's a giant firefly. Sorry, he's a giant fly who got fired.

Oh. What did he use to do? A fire. A fired fly. He's a fired fly. Fired from what? Well, his job was to cook in a diner. And I guess you got caught barfing on all the food.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, deserved. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But for what I could tell, he's very nice. Ever since I met Jack Catalyst, I feel like whatever I'm around him, one thing leads to another.

And there I am. Smacked to have an adventure. Jack Cattleist just has a way about him, where you always end up doing something. I see what you're saying there, but it seems like a bit of a reach, like more of a Jack Reacher. Well, I've met Jack Reacher and, not so great.

Well, no, actually pretty great. I mean, okay, he's standing in front of him and he has hands the size of turkeys from what size of turkey you have. I don't know, I've never met the guy. Oh, well, you should meet him. I mean, he only comes out at night and you know, you work something out with him and it's pretty,

it's a pretty good time. Okay. So you go to the area like his Jack Reacher around, he can't be so brazen, Arnie. Oh you go to the area like, is Jack Reacher around? He can't be so brazen, Arnie. Oh, okay. You have to think about Jack Reacher and he'll pick up on your vibes. Okay.

Yeah. Can't believe I burned up that chart and I have to make a brand new one. Oh, stupid. Stupid of me. You know, I thank you for asking. I've still been working on my apprenticeship as a Cooper. What? I've been working as an apprentice learning how to be a Cooper.

Did you ask him that? No. He just said it. Okay. And it's going really well. Thank you for asking. But already you're so big. What's the opposite of a mini Cooper? A Maxi Cooper? That's what you are. Oh, Maxi Cooper. That's a great fake name. Arnie, quick, where this must end. No. Now, if anybody asks, you're Maxi Cooper.

That could be my Cooper name, I guess. I still, hmm, do you call it Cooper? I still know very little about how to Cooper. He used to do it. Yes, he's just started answering questions that he wants us to ask him. Isn't that insane? Yeah, it's a little troubling. I think this whole Maxi Cooper he wants us to ask him. Isn't that insane? Yeah, it's a little troubling. I think this whole maxi Cooper thing has gone to his head

But chunt, what is your disguise going to be? Oh My disguise of course I've thought about it. I didn't Shirk my duties like I did with the dark lord. My disguise is going to be looks around room My my skies is I'm going to be a seven foot tall table. Haha nice. Damn it, Chant, you did it again. And you sir, what's gonna be your disguise? Of course.

I shall disguise myself as Susan Doke. Oh, wait, hold on. I'm not gonna be some of a tall table. Let me grab this fork and put it in my sleeve. I'm going to be fork hand. Hey, hey, mister, look over here. It's fork hand. Hey, hey, hey, keep going.

Oh, hey, hey. That's pretty good, huh? Yeah. Chump, there's something about your portrayal of fork hand that makes me think, someday you're going to play some roles with some real emotional depth. I don't know why. You're a little, you're a little fun strung today. Oh you sir I forgot what I was gonna ask you. It's Susan. Oh I mean Susan I forgot what I was going

to ask you. Could you name the un nameable mountain? Well I don't believe I could and I wouldn't dare for names have great power and I would never ignore that. Or even dare to try to do such a heinous act for Shirley as a wisdom, I would be punished greatly. You can't spell heinous without heinous, and this shall make my job. Maxie, do we have a guest today? We do, actually. I have a guest, and I'll... Should we do these in character or should we- I'm not sure-

Well Arnie, clearly you're voting no since you're not even doing a character voice as Maxi Cooper. This is my character voice. Oh, fuck me. Okay, well, uh, Susan, I feel like we should maybe drop ours, um, just because Arnie's not gonna- Wuh, we're fine, fine, fine. Really? You had to shake it off, really? What do you mean? just because already it's not gonna be. Ugh, we're fine, fine, fine. Really? You had to shake it off, really?

What do you mean? Yes, I'd magically transform myself back into a wizard from the beautiful math teacher you saw before you. Okay, that's what you think it was. All right. So anyway, I have a guest I'm very excited. Okay. Guess if you don't mind climbing up the chair ladder.

Yeah, it's a little high up here. This is our guest Wade the wanderer. Yes, hello there. I am Wade the wanderer. I am a simple wanderer. I'm not important in the slightest. Uh, Fred, it is a pleasure to meet thee, but your hood covers your entire face,

your voice sounds very familiar to me. Oh, I must just have one of those voices, because I'm a simple, wayward wanderer. Hmm. Uh, he enunciates to well to be a wayward wanderer. Yes, you don't seem like a traveler, you seem like a noble person who's lived a life of wealth and luxury and excess. I don't think that would be the case at all. Motherfuck, I know who this is.

You guys are really re-door guest. I-I-I just pull back your put-friend, eh? It's a warm tavern, a hot-y ale sits in front of you, ready to be quaffed, please. No, fine, it is I, Baron Shanglebirth Regune. Oh, Lord of the Shrike Valley, silver hand of the Dark Lord, and your doom! Ha, damn it, Arnie, why did you book him as our guest? No, no, he tricked me with that voice. That was the same voice he always uses.

Are you sure? Yeah, he sounded my character voice. Oh, I sounded exactly the same. Addy had a hood on. I granted the hood through me off a little bit. I couldn't quite place him, but look at him. Enough of this squabbling. Where's the dark lord?

What have you done with him? Ah, he did. Where is the dark lord? Don't lie to me. I know you were... This is some trick. I know this is some scheme. You will tell me what is happening right now.

Or I will use the blade of Fascohlon, I know I know this is some scheme you will tell me what is happening right now or I Will use the blade of face go halon which I hold here in my hand to end this wizard That that's not the blade of a scohalon. Yeah, that's the fork. I was using for old fork hand No, this is the blade my hand big is the blade of a scohalon Four cats really growing on me. I look look That's definitely not the blade of Vesco Halan. I'm sorry. You don't you don't know what the blade of Vesco Halan looks like because it's been lost for generations Ah, this is the blade of Vesco Halan and you will tell me what you have done with the dark Lord Oh, how did you fake it? How did you do this?

This is aening of desperation. This is sad. Okay, alright, fine. It's not the Blade of Vesco, Halon. Yeah, I know. How do you know? Because I found it a while ago. What? Oh, damn it. Someone clearly doesn't listen to the podcast.

Alright. Okay. It isn't the Blade of Vesco, Halan, but you will nonetheless tell me what is going on? Where is the Dark Lord and don't give me the story about how he died? I don't believe it. It isn't true. Now, how did you hear the news? Yeah, I heard it in the... I received word. I received word when I was at the camp. And I know it isn't true because he is the most powerful being to ever walk food. He is the only wizard to recognize this wretched realm

for the abomination that it is. And he has too much to do and he will not leave us, he will not leave food, he cannot go before his work is done. Okay, I have to ask, you got word, I need to ask you, did you have to pay for word? Because I love word, but a lot of times I can't get it and they're asking for this charge, I don't know, I don't pay this whole charge for word, so did you? Somebody pays for word, the organization is paying for word.

The Dark Lord's organization is just pays for word and you get word. So you just got a code that somebody else had. I'm not in charge of setting up word. I just get it, okay? Could you give me that code? I don't have a code. I hate to be the one to break this to you. But as a wizard, I excel.

And I took out my powerful sword and gave it a power point right into the chest of that Dark Lord and no longer does he live here. Also, Chuck, you don't want the Dark Lord's minions word code. That's gonna be a bad word this sounds kind of fun. Oh like a really bad word. Trip thing was there. He saw it I know I know I just He's gone She's gone. Oh wow you really cared for him. I thought I thought you're just afraid of him But you really loved him huh? See now see now you have that opportunity remember when I said love him huh? See now you have that opportunity remember when I said it all you could cry.

He's trying to evil happen this way back you know. How's it going champ? Hey big guys okay. That would be a good thing for a horse. Yeah right. It's true. That would be a good thing for a horse. Yeah, right It's true your whole your whole life was dedicated to being evil and being and working in the service of the Dark Lord This has got to be difficult for you. So so They're just gonna get away with it. Yeah, yeah

Yeah, and you can't spell dedicated without dead, and the dark world is dead. Mm-hmm. There's not gonna be an end. No one's going to destroy all of food. Is that? No. Is that the world we want to live in? Ah.

Yeah. Where... Who's gonna make the goddesses pay for what they've done? For creating everything? Yes. That's just a thing you can do. You can just create a magical world. And, and, and you get away with it. And no one cares if, if, if you can't figure out a better way for animals to live,

except by eating other animals faces off or you know like oh I don't know like oh maybe maybe we should you know fine tune how how new pixies come from like maybe them playing their pixie eggs in people's brains with their pixie sticks isn't the best way, but no Let's get distracted by two by two rocks that you think are cute and you you want to see him kiss So so now you inventing magnets when you could just like not have Pixie brain eggs. You think that's where magnets come from also I know so magnets come from You think that's where magnets come from? No one knows where magnets come from.

No that's where magnets come from. Fucking magnets, how do they work? We don't know. Also, I know you're emotional. I just told you, it wounds on two rocks that were cute and she wanted to see them kiss. Oh. Oh.

I know you're emotional, but there's no such thing as pixie sticks. They lay their eggs with pixie dicks. I mean, it's a slang term for op-apositor isn't it? Okay I guess you're smarter than me. Here here take take take some of my fur here wipe your face. Thank you. Look there there are a lot of things to unpack there. First of all you can't you can't beam that mad at the pixies they do little. Yeah and of course I'm not mad at the pixies Hey

It seems like you're mad at the pixies to be honest. I'm mad at the goddesses and the only one Who could have fixed what they did is gone? Yeah, definitely really gone for good and no way is coming back So don't even think about that stuff. Like everybody in all the food believes that the Dark Lord is dead, which he is. Which is all the matters. He... he's been... he's been with me for so long. And me as well! I was brought into this world by conspiracy of burden, rain, and wind, and fire! That demanded there be a champion that would O-a-come evil!

And I have completed my purpose now! Evil has been slain! This isn't helping me do my thing. Okay, sorry, sorry. I wish born when my hand was turned into this fork! Okay, that's helping a little. Yeah, I like f- When I'm Maxine Cooper, this is my Maxine Cooper voice.

I don't- I don't know what that is. Right? You think who I? What the f- is a Right? You don't know why. What the fuck is a Cooper? So it's true then. It's true what every last person says. Yeah.

Sometimes when everybody in the whole world says something, that's the truth. As much as you don't want it to be. Listen, I know you're evil and I don't consider myself to be evil, but You're going through a lot and I gotta say like I'm sorry for your loss. I hate to say that But I want to be empathetic. I'm sorry for your loss. They're there. They're there. Yeah, and I'm gonna say something I never thought I'd hear myself say honestly, chant building off that

No one's stopping you from being evil. You can still be evil if you want. I would recommend that you have a big churn here and realize that you should join the forces of good and it'll be a real upset and everyone will be thrilled at that moment where you like, you know, stab-drip thing in the face or something. I don't know. What's the point? What?

What, just to torment people for no reason? Till then, still a few coin. If it's not gonna bring the whole thing down, what's it even for? Well then reinvent yourself. Like you said, or said, reinvent yourself and be good. This is like your divorce party baby. Let's get, let me get some sangria one moment. Could I get goblin? Whoa. What's with this tall chair? It's the tall table.

It's actually like really inconvenient, but people just really look up to us literally. It's kind of the coolest table in the tavern. Yeah, we saw it the first day and we thought, why not? And sort of like making bad choices, but then sticking to it for a long time, that's kind of our brand.

Yeah, speaking of, here's four glasses of sand, grilla. It's not dry. Yeah, you know what, why don't we take a quick break? Because I feel like when we drink this, there's just gonna be a lot of coughing noises and I don't want to put that on the podcast.

Oh, you're so hot. You're so hot. All right, we'll be back in just a minute. My nose just cinnamon. This is what I deserve. We'll drink up and tell us everything, okay? You don't need him, girl. You don't need him. Okay. He's gone. This is your party. We're celebrating your liberation Baron Okay, what have you what have you been doing? It's just so it's just so hard to believe this

This guy he was there when I conceived my children. He oh I mean all that I'm gonna, that explains a lot about you. That means a lot of things. Yeah, Jamie and Jamie. Was he like rubbing your back? I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Don't say it.

Yeah, we're good. I kind of want to know, but no. I mean, he wasn't there there at that point. But you could see him in the mirror. Oh, he was the one pair of talons in the sand. Yeah. And I thought he would do it all, and he was just another wizard. Another like talking wizard, just saying things.

The phony son of a birch! That corny ass jump! If- Failed us! Failed! Oh, what have I been doing? What have I been doing? What have I-

What have I been doing with my life? Yeah, but- But I- I think you were asking probably since- have I been doing since last year. Yeah, I've waited up to. Yeah, last time I saw you, now that I remember it, you stepped out of the shadows, beat the shit out of me, tied me up and kidnapped me.

Yeah, I'm not sure why I'm being so sympathetic to you because that's, I'm gonna be honest, kind of a dick move. Usually you're at least polite. I was doing my job. I was doing what I thought was the right thing to do in that situation. Oh yeah, had you put me in an amulet? Remember that?

I hated that. Yeah, again, I thought that was the correct thing to do with the information I had at the time. Lucky I got out of that. Oh, wait a minute. There was that one time when you were going to punch me and you said, excuse me, sir, where do you want it? And you let me choose. That was actually very thoughtful. Now I think about it. Thank you so much. I have no qualms.

It was kind of meant to be like a tricky gift where like it almost hurt you as much to choose as it did to hit. But yeah, I'm glad it was at least a wash now. Yeah, I chose neck, which was at least a wash now. Yeah, I chose neck, which was a bad choice. Oh, bad choice. But no, Arnie, after I... It's beautiful, Arnie. No, after I...

Thank you. After I captured you, rather easily, for those of you who were not present for it. Yeah, we believe you. I dropped you off at the ports on the dark Lord's Corsair. I had another mission. I jumped upon my trusty witch horse Wendellin. Witch horse? Out the window, she's got the green mane, she's gray. Oh yeah. That's a nice horse. Yeah yeah you made met her are you are you are you married to that name?

Because I think champ would be a great great name for horse. She has already changed her name recently She is not letting other people pick them so okay. Sorry. What are we talking about my witch horse? What horse? No the green main out the window You can see how the window right over there. Oh, yes. yes, yes, sorry. Yes, that's who the horse is, that's the who horse. Wow, look at that green mane, that horse is horny on mane. Anyway, I jumped upon my witch horse and traveled quickly westward. The Dark Lord's army was preparing for the final assault on Fingeria and I had a special assignment.

While the main force would subdue the barbarians, I would capture the great halls of Turokis. It would be a great coup. It would send a signal to the people of Foon that the Dark Lord's final triumph was at hand. He'd been planning it since he discovered that telephys the white, the wizard of life and death had faced true death and was no longer protecting the Great Holes. That's right, who killed telephys the white? I'm trying to remember. Anyway, the Dark Lord didn't know, but he saw an opportunity, and he had entrusted me with this job. And it was the night before the assault, and I and the other Dark Lord lieutenants were,

were talking about our plans and drinking wine, and speaking of our impending triumph over all, there may have been some brainstorming. guys may have come up It's like what's gonna happen to those guys and it wasn't good. Oh, sounds nice though. I bet it was fun Sounds nice to be nice to be thought about. I mean it was a it was a hoot. I'll be honest Isn't it wild to think about like just months ago the dark Lord was just just this close to taking over all of the food. Yes. Yes. Almost completely triumphant.

Wow. And how much things can change? And just a second. Now it's gone. Evil defeated. A possum. Dark Lordy, Lordy, look who's thwarty. Well, not all evils defeated, Olli.

That's why. What? Not all of evil, you know, there are lieutenants, much like the Baron here, who must also be defeated or turned. There are fewer. That's why I'm still here, because I have to finish- Oh yeah. defeating evil?

Remember? I have to finish defeating. That was on my list of questions, you said, or what? What's up? Why are you, you're here for what reason now? Ah, you know, evil. Ah, the Dark Lord's evil. You know, I was here to kill the Dark Lord and it stopped his evil.

So his evil still lives on through people like you. Ah, yeah. Your true purpose was to kill the Dark Lord and after Wizard. Pretty good, right? True Purpose was to kill the Dark Lord and after Wizard accomplishes their true Purpose, they die the true death and go back to the realms of Ephesia. So if the Dark Lord was dead, which he is, which he is. You can quit saying it, I've accepted it. Yeah, I'll take you to the basement and find the proof.

Please don't mock me with your basement joke. I get it. It's a reference to when you blew up the town of Hogs phase with me inside it and your last words were always check the basement Well, I think it was I think the full sentence was always check the basement And it was in turn a reference to when we invaded the town of Hogsface through the basement and we told you to always check the basement. You don't need to bring it up. A third time. You've completed the rule of two.

There's no other reason to ever mention the basement again except just to torment me. Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Oh, this show is so tightly plotted. You meant to say so tightly plotting? Yes, exactly. Correction. So Baron, what you're saying is why is Yusador-

Ony dead. Oh, he had a kid's birthday party. He's doing kid's birthday party next week, and he can't, he has to do that. Yeah, there's that too. You know, my obligations, I have to fulfill my, the obligations I made. Oh, I'm almost, I'm almost happy the Dark Lord

did not live to see this. It would have cut him so deeply to know that you continued to exist. I don't know whether you knew this particular detail used to door, but Dark Lord had no doubt that he would be your end. He said in fact that you came into being on the exact spot that he had 300 years earlier. Oh, twinsies! He later determined that it happened at the exact moment he resolved in his heart to turn against his mission and destroy food.

When he churned from being a wizard into a Dark Lord, when he decided that he would be doing that. Oh, so he wasn't quite a Dark Lord yet, but he decided his heart to become evil. Ooh. And I was born on the same spot That's what he said he was convinced that well, he's full of shit and I spanked his ass Yes, wait, did we dark lord talk about you so are a lot like did you talk about all three of us to varying degrees You came up from time to time You know now that I'm thinking about it. is this a Baron, tell me if this is cheating.

So if I ever killed a wizard, which I'm not going to, and they were to respawn, if they respawn at that same spot, could I just camp out at that spot and kill them every time they repopulate? Is that cheating? Or that's fun? I don't know all the rules. I only know what I was told.

I might be fun for you, I doubt it'd be fun for the wizard. And sweep the leg. And sweep the leg. What, what, what, was told. I might be fun for you I doubt it'd be fun for the wizard. And sweep the leg? And sweep the leg? What was that me? Okay so I guess we're not knowing how I found out about the dark loa. Oh wait no uh yes we absolutely wouldn't know. Sorry. Yes I'm back. I had a spank myself so many times to get back up here. Not important, not an important detail. You were saying, Baron? We were planning our assault when the word came in, and suddenly there was silence around the Grand Table.

And most I knew it must be alive, but I could see it in the faces of the other lieutenants of the Dark Lord. They were only thinking of themselves, of the other lieutenants of the dark lore. They were only thinking of themselves of the next move. Not any big surprise, General Ketho of leader of the army stepped up and everyone just like. I'm gonna write just for fun, Z's.

I'm gonna write down some of these names on this scroll. Okay, General Ketho. Okay, though. Okay, well with the C. What was some of the lieutenants that were there? I'll get to it. Okay, okay. All right.

I just feel like you'd be setting the table. I feel like we would be able to visualize a story better if we knew the names of the people. I'm kind of reliving it now. Okay. So I'm just kind of going through it's emotional. I'm sorry. We're just very name-motivated on this podcast. Oh, as I remember things all named the people in my memory. Okay, general K-thos stood up and you get to see you said.

Yeah, you could tell everyone in the room was like, no way this guy. I mean, really, he ought to be like a midden's coach. He's not like a dark-a-lord kind of guy. Yeah. But luckily, everyone's like, oh crap. I'm gonna have to kill this guy. Like, who's gonna tell him? But he didn't get a word out before he like split kind of down the middle and stepping straight out

from like him, like covered in his blood was Mimsy, the nightmare rave. Mimsy the nightmare rave? You guys have met Mimsy. Chunch, she was at your wedding. Is this the last, the last Mimsy? I, I think she would like to be.

I'm sorry, the last time I met Mimsy, did I? I can't, it rings a bell. It rings a bell. You're so busy at a wedding. Yeah, Mike, I get it. No, you're right, I get it. bell. You're so busy at a wedding. Yeah, Mike No, you're right. I get exploding and the catering even when you're when your spouse doesn't explode You're like talking to everyone and you end up talking to no one right and you're so hungry afterwards. I was starving But yes, so that was off the table, but at that moment

Pandemonium broke out. Is that a person? Yes, okay But at that moment, pandemonium broke out. Is that a person? Yes. Okay. Pandemonium. Oh, demonium, the panda? Yes. The, the, the evil sum of bitch. Yeah, the, the panda sorcerer with the demon familiars.

You could tell that he was panicking because he just like broke out in hives Immediately what you're gonna see on a panda. Oh half of it. They were big and did the bees come out of them? Not bees You said he broke out in hives. No, that's not this. That's not what's happening Oh, sorry. We were just talking about two-story exploding and I think I just assumed Chant that's a homonym. We've never had one on this podcast before, but sometimes there are two words that sound the same but mean different things. Huh, Baron, you said homonym was there? Lieutenant, homonym? Hey, homonym. Lieutenant? No, a left-tenant homonym.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're thinking of homonym. I get left-tenant and lieutenant mixed up, they sound so similar. Anyway, the night doctor was trying to strangle King Krabain. Let's see. I'll be having a hard time writing all these down. Just do the best you can. So night doctor, that's a doctor in armor

or only has hours after 8 p.m. He operates in the evening, yes. Okay, okay, okay. Armourless? Yes. Okay. Well, I don't know, leather, he kind okay armorless. Yes, okay? Well, he's I don't know leather You kind of wears leather. He's got like a big mask like you think there what? No, he's got three arms. He's trying using a fork Love it. Oh, yes, three arms are my was lieutenant Dan there what lieutenant Dan left

Tenant Dan sorry. Yes left. Ten of Dan. Yes left. Left-tenant Dan. Sorry. Yes, left-tenant Dan. Yes, left-tenant Dan was of course there. Oh, well, was. Was? Oh, was? Shit. But, of course, he was quickly put down by Horsey McMurder.

Oh, Horsey McMurder. I hate that horse. I love that name. Guys, this is why the Dark Lord's army was doing so well. Listen to these names, of course, they were fucking killing it. Why do you think I have so many names? Yeah, but you're suck. Wow, how dare you.

Anyway, then Sally Scythe's for hands ran at me, and I was like, I'm not even in the middle of this. You gotta get away from Sally Scythe's for hands, like, ran at me. And I was like, I'm not even in the middle of this. You gotta get away from Sally Scythe's for hands. So she has four hands, Scythe, four hands? Oh, it's a homonym, actually. She has two Scythe's in place of two hands. She's related to Lieutenant homonym? No, although I think they're both from Grisbane

I'm gonna be honest I stopped writing some of these down third base. I didn't ask you to write any of them down I'm explaining a traumatic incident that happened We're here for you buddy. Yeah, we're here for you all hell broke loose Everyone was vying for palax. Everyone wanted to be the next leader So I cut a rope I you know a little dancing I I cut a rope and and wrote it to the mezzanine while a Chandelier came down and crashed on mage Gunderson and last

Mage Gunderson right that okay then I was out I knew I had to find the dark Lord There are no more names at this point. Okay. Aww. Wait, are you okay? Think real hard. Did you cover everyone? You sure there wasn't somebody just watching? There are no more names at this location at this point. Okay, okay.

But he's about to leave this location. So yeah. Yeah. He just flew out to the mezzanine and I jumped out onto my witch horse Which horse the one out the window with the gray and the green mane Who was if you care at this point named source source Zores Zores I would have gone with source. I would have gone with champ then you should have been the dark lord stable master Oh Arnie's unstable.

That'd be a good job for you Arnie, it's Stable Master. Yeah, I'm kind of busy cooping right now. You don't even know what it is. I'm getting so close. Yes. For ten days I rode. Wow. Till I reached the coast.

Again. Wait, hold on, hold on. For ten days you didn't meet anyone. Surely you met someone give me some names There was like a farmer. Yes. Yes. Yes. I think his name was Alan. Oh Alan what I didn't ask I didn't ask If you had to if you had to extrapolate from the way he looked Alan What would you say? Alan... Peter, Sidney?

Yeah. Hmm. Wait. Well, on that note, let's take a quick break and pick up with the story when we get back. Heh. And there, on the shores of the Black Spire volcano, the goblin beach party informed me that the Dark Lord was dead. I really wanted to ask about this beach party, but I feel like we've interrupted so much

already. We're enthralled, we're enthralled. And the evidence of the jibbering soul walker wandering the shores seemed to confirm that story. So back on the boat, I knew that I had to find drip fang. And there in the harbor town of Dremenshire. I found him. Oh. Drunk. Good. Dead? No.

But wishing he was dead. Yes. Or he had headed to the east to meet up with the Dark Lords eastern front. And as you know doubt no, our forces there fare no better. No doubt. Yeah. Don't speak. We know that already. Yeah, yeah, don't tell us. The second prong of your attack, the first of which being your assault on the volcano, was masterful.

Thank you. Yeah, very intentional late all worked out. The army of Velsmir, who our army had been circling for months and months. Like when will these two armies clash? So much time and effort was put into building it up. Surely something's going to happen with this. Well, if I have one thing about the army of Valshmer is they're very good at choreography. Yeah, and there was a real will they want they, right?

They were good at many things, including surrendering and saying, oh, we're too weak, tired, and hungry to fight. Only then, when night fell, to turn on their captors and devour them. Oh, by the goddesses, we already knew that. I mean, do you know I have never seen anyone but a starving man eat orc meat, but your army skeletonized. The Eastern Front was according to dripfang horrific. Is that a word skeletonized?

Yes. Well, I know stachomatized as a word, but skeletonized? Yes, actually a homonym. It's not a homonym. Okay, I tried. Calm down, books. It's not even book, my parents were, I tried. Calm down, books. It's not even book, my parents were skeletonized in front of me when I was seven years old.

Okay, right. Fine. I think I know whether or not they're skeletonization. Okay, I'm sorry. So, and I know we already know this, but the Velchmier Army, which we briefly led, and as I remember it, they didn't have a food problem they were pretty hungry. Are you mocking me?

No, no, no, certainly not. You mean they ate an entire orc army? Well, I mean there were a few stragglers which is who drip fang encountered when he went to meet the army with the intent of setting himself up as the leader of that group, but they turned on him immediately. They did you hear him say, meet the army? Oh yeah. Because he ate them.

Yeah, no, that's good. That's good. I'll say that, though, that's good. But they had heard that he had made the sword that it slayed the dark lord. And they thought he was in on it even. They tried to kill him. So he of course made a hasty retreat back to the coast. And I found him there drunk in the tavern.

Good, it sounds like drip fangs is like straight up fucked. Oh, yeah, that's good. That's fairly good. And you know what, I can forgive people. I mean, I'm talking to you, Baron, and you've been real nasty to me. A drip thing stabbed me with a sword, and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for that.

Didn't, didn't Tom Blaine bella Roth stab you with a sword several times? Yeah, but I supported him to be king. Here's my thing, I can't forget people, but I can't forgive. Who's drip thing? The, the Doc Load's,ads' Sheffan Quisitor, a thousand snakes in a skin suit.

Mmm, I don't know if I see him. Doesn't ring a bell. All right. I didn't want to believe him at first, but he swore he saw you slay the Dark Lord, Yusador. Yeah, he was there, saw the whole thing, definitely happened. Everything he described. No backsees.

He said it looked and sounded exactly like a wizard experiencing true death. He said from everything that you had read about the appearance and the exact sounds of a true wizard being killed, it's just what he saw nailed it. Just nailed it. Yeah, I mean, I would say impeccable sound design. So it dripped things degrees.

You're Greece. I can only assume he's correct. Well, what more do you need to know? You've seen drip fang, you've seen us. Clearly the Dark Lord is gone, and now you must envision a second act for yourself. What comes next? Well, what comes next is the next bit of my story. Okay. I still was not yet ready to face the truth. So back on Gwendolyn, I left to head to Gwendolyn.

Now, how do you know it was Gwendolyn? What? Zorz to express that the name was not what she wanted, but how did you get to Gwendolyn? Well, I asked her what she would prefer to be called. Huh. And she said, Winnie, and I was like, How did you get to Gwendolyn? Well, I asked her what she would prefer to be called. And she said, Winnie, and I was like, that's a little casual.

I was Gwendolyn. Ah! Oh, I see. I see how you got there. Ooh, now Winnie Cooper, that's a name. Now, let me think about it. The Cooper I'm Apprenticing Under is a horse. What? Which Cooper?

I don't speak horse. So, I don't know if that horse's name is nay or No, what do you, Toto, know you're doing? Which horse? What horse? Your boss? Yeah, why horse?

It's not always easy to come up to an answer to that, is that? It's not! So I'm so sorry, Baron. Sorry, Baron. Yeah, yeah, please go on. Well, I, I, of course, headed to the dark city thinking that if the dark lord were wounded perhaps or, or perhaps was able to, to reform himself, he might return there to his, his seat of power to, to wear the book of sight. That self-same artifact that made him master of the night resided. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, I know it was a smart move. Didn't pay off though, because that fuckers dead. I killed his ass. No. Is it frustrating sometimes you can do all the right things and fail? And meanwhile, we just like fuck up left and right and we defeat the Dark Lord. Yeah, we fail upwards. Yeah, pretty nice.

I mean, the third prong of your strike that accompanied your strike on the volcano and the Velzmehr army was no accident, I assume. The... I also assumed that. Yeah. For when I arrived in the dark city, it was exactly what I'm sure you've heard described here on the podcast numerous times.

I'd never been myself, but built into chasm and valleys and canyons and abysses was a massive metropolis. Where the light would only touch the ground at the bottom level for one minute a day as the sun traveled down down the path. And there was chaos, absolute chaos. The dark lords' knights were weeping. They were bereft in the street. Ah, Conrad von Plotz was, I turned his back on the, the Dark Lordin was saying that he was about to write a tell-all revealing everything. Ah, I sprightest doing that to make money. CBP, Conrad von Plotz, yeah baby! Melissa Deathridge was trying to convince the crowds that the Dark Lord was gone and that they should turn their

back on on all that he had built there the last 300 years. The city can't decide what to do with itself. Half the people there want to return to the original name. Can you imagine Pittsburgh? I mean it's ridiculous. I mean it logically makes sense. It's like in a pit. It's all pits. I get it. Yes. But it doesn't have the same ring as the dark city does. There's some real, there's some real spin on that. And of course, what about, what about cool world? I mean, you, you, for, for Pittsburgh for the dark city.

I don't fucking know books. I'm just trying to help your ass. I mean, I guess I could go back and pitch it. I don't even live there, though. Like, what kind of system do they have in the dark city to pitch a new name? Like, can anyone come in and pitch a name for the city? Oh, people are just yelling stuff. The dark dwarves are...

What's that like? Clammering, pardon? What's that like? People just yelling, it's chaotic place. I've snuck in there once to find an ancient scroll. It was very upsetting, even for me, great wizard. Hi, I got to waste quickly as I could. You store, I told you, Arnie and I have both,

sorry, beautiful Arnie and I have both told you, stop doom scrolling. You keep searching out these scrolls and they always have bad news or curses in them. Knock it off. Alright, sorry, I just like sometimes I just want to look at a scroll. I don't want to hear it. The minute you wake up in bed, you're doom scrolling. And it just ruins your whole fucking day.

Stop it. I've stopped. Now I've never been to the dark city myself, but is that where William Hurt lives? I mean, guess Billy the Hurtur I think is the name he prefers to go by. I just wanted another name. This this hawk Ethan, one of my friends has been there. Rufus Soule. Okay, I will I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- which makes one master of the dark. Lord of the Night was of course in the citadel of the night, the center of the dark city. Behind the dark lords, many protective spells,

and somehow a party of halflings got past all of them to steal the book. Oh, ain't no party like a halfling party because a halfling party don't stop. That seems pretty unlikely. No, they got past big baby awful. They got back, they got past. Here we go. They got past the Scorpion's Tea Party.

They got past dry spell. Oh, dry spell's the worst. Hard to get past. You know, if you've ever been near a dry spell, it's hard to get past. I mean, I can't get past Big Baby Awful. I got to hear more. Oh, Big Baby Awful is a creature made of remaindered meat, leftover butcher stuff, animated,

probably about 12 feet tall, and just seems to be kind of a baby. Oh, thank you for explaining that because whoever does the wiki is definitely going to appreciate it. Oh, I bet that it's actually spelled like this now. It's not awful. Oh, no, it's a homonym. Oh, they're also related to left-handed homonym.

But say then what did the halflings do after that? I don't know. The Dark Lord spies followed them as, well, I want to say as long as they could, but they abandoned the chase as soon as they had heard that what had happened to the Dark Lord, the last I know the book of sight was seen in Daggerdale, being transferred to the care of a confidential courier. Oh, I hate Daggerdale. He's got all those knives. He's such a mill at all. He loves to talk about him too.

Hey, I'm Dale. Look at my daggers. We get it Dale. You have daggers. Anyone can buy them. You're not cool. Now, he is related to Sally Scythe for hands. Oh, that makes sense. That adds up. So he's a homonym. I think on his mother's side.

Uh, but of course, I mean, I'll be honest. I thought the book of sight would lead me back to the dark Lord, but the knowledge that if I held it in my hand, now that the dark Lord is dead, whoever holds it when there is to new moon will be infused with the powers of Master of the Dark. Hmm. It's not great.

Yeah. I mean, you know, as long as the Dark Lord is dead, which of course, you say that he is. Oh yeah, absolutely. Oh, Hundo, Hundo P, Hundo P. Yeah, hypothetically, if the Dark Lord is a dead, what happens to someone if they touch the book of sight? I mean, if they touch, I mean, I've touched it. I hold it. It's on his coffee table.

I've lived through it. What else is on his coffee table? There's like some, you think it's chips, but it's popery. Wow. You ate some, didn't you? Yes, I ate some popery. And like some other, some other books, You ate some, didn't you? Yes, I ate some popery.

And like some other books, like an old life magazine. Old life magazine? Yeah, like back when they were still rolling out new lives. Yeah, pretty old. It's like 40,000 years old. It was a prize possession. Now, if you weren't able to go on at the book of sight, and you know that the Dark Lord was dead, why did you come here today

proclaiming that he was alive and wishing to upset us and threaten me with a fork? I just didn't want to face the truth. I don't know what I'm going to do now. And of course, if I was wrong, if I was wrong, that the Dark wrong, the dark Lord would, would bring down all the fune, and what if I'd done with my life? Yeah, well, good point, but, uh, you gotta figure that out, but... Have you ever thought about being a father? Those kids of yours really need some... guidance.

Oh my... Oh, Jesus Christ, my kids! Yeah, guide their ass to the bottom of a river. I haven't even thought about my kids. That's a bad sign. That's a bad sign. I know, I know. I haven't seen them for two years.

Can you imagine not seeing your child for two years? Oh, you don't even know the half of it when I was in the dark city. I found my son, Shangalbirth Jr. finally. After I gave him to the dark lord so long ago it turns out they they used his head as as part of Well, they set a riddle wall. It was guarding a door They said it was gonna ask you a riddle and you could only get through the door I mean I think somebody messed it up

It was clearly they turned him into one of those heads that always lies because when I said hello He was like I hate you father about teenagers. Yeah Yeah, teenage heads, but anyway when I when I found him I did He said hello, he was like, I hate you father. But... Teenagers. Yeah. Yeah. Teenage heads. But anyway, when I found him, I did, I packed him up and I sent him back to Shrek through the mail. Can you imagine a father sending his own child

through the mail? Uh, no, I... What? Why did you do that? Yeah. Because I had to find you and get you to admit that the dark world was still alive. You could have stayed with your son who you'd been reunited with after many years and had learned to love each other again.

And overcome the chasm betwixt to two of thee. Instead you came here to harass me? Well yeah, an apropos of nothing. Have you seen Eggie Baby? No, I don't know where your egg is. I'm sorry Chantiff. Why do I was joking? That was a joke. Not who's there worse my eggy baby. It's at home. I know that. I don't get it. I don't need to get the joke.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Oh, that does help. Maybe there is a reason worth living. See? You're right, Yusador. Wait, that's your reason for living? Wait, wait, he's not out of his... Oh no, yeah, yeah. I've overlooked my family for far too long.

I mean, I always sort of thought that Jamie and Sammy, however they turned out, they would be fine because we'd be under the protective umbrella of the dark lord, but if... That's not true, those kids need a lot more guidance that I think I've given them. I don't yeah, I don't know whether you guys know this but Samie's his stand-up comedy is bad. Yeah, real bad. He's not good Mm-hmm. I once went and saw his set and he goes has this ever happened to you and then he slid his own neck went and saw his set and he goes, has this ever happened to you and then he slid his own neck? No. It healed, but it was not cool.

And that had not happened to me. Well, young comedians sometimes they just do things for shock value. Oh, you're right. I need to get back to the Shrike Valley. I need to take care of my children. I need to get them ready. They'll need to be married off and... Oh, they can confirm the strength of the valley and...

Oh my... Oh my... Guys, the castle, the Dark Lord... I mean, I had a castle before the Dark Lord moved into the... moved into the valley, but we really expanded it. The upkeep on it's gonna be insane. It's... It's 300 fathoms tall.

I don't know. I don't have enough people to clean the gutters. You know, if you go back, you start to make amends. That's the first step. You start to put things right and then people will come back and before you know you'll have a thriving city once again. Yes, and I think we can actually help you. You store wheelcasts cast one of your spells to bring the gutters here so we can clean them? Maybe just yell com gutters? No, com gutters! Oh, there they are. Just give them a nice away. Yeah, I get these nice in the chat. We all pitch in here.

I'm gonna stay away from the com gutters. I have people do that for me. Must be nice. God, you installed a river of lava for nothing and then he made us cool it down like What are we gonna do with for landscaping now? It's just a blast of heat. We're gonna plant our boxes Yeah, why not I'd be creative, you know take a brightly colored piece of cloth and throw it over a Horrible abomination and you know bright the place up before you know it take a brightly colored piece of cloth and throw it over a horrible abomination, and you know, write the place up before you know it. You're right. I need to get home right now.

Yeah, I got it. I can't eat, this could be a positive thing, you know? Since the Dark Lord died, I mean, it seems like so many of his followers and so much of his empire has been slowly crumbling, and you have to imagine the fingers crossed that over time, the longer that they know for a fact that he's dead,

the more evil will slowly leak away. And why don't you just embrace it? You know, actually on that note, yes, I will, but quickly to circle back, why are you here? Like you could be in any town in Foon right now. They could be parades for you. This place was so hard to get to. I'm granted you've seen some of the wizard groupies,

the whispies that are following me about, the devoted Agrilytes, but it's more that the three of us decided we'd rather retire in peace. Enjoy our days, now that we've done what we were sent here to do, having a nice peaceful colloc sort of retirement. Yeah, now that the Dark Lord's dead, what she definitely is, definitely forever. We just wanted to get it. Find one of the most remote places in Foon where, you know, if we had any secrets, you know, unrelated, that they're less likely to get out to the rest of Foon, you know.

Yeah, we just wanted to start, you know, a new chapter. Now that the Dark Lord is dead, period, we were just hoping to, kind of, just start something new. I opened up a black and whitesmith shop to make armor, so that's my thing I'm running for town daddy, so we all have a lot going on. And you said we're made a chore wheel. Which I've burned up and is gone and can be read anymore.

Yeah, oh, man, I read anymore. Yeah. Oh crap. I did that Yeah, I know the timing of it. Oh, boy. Oh shit guys What my wife? I haven't talked to my wife And how long about three months? Yeah, you gotta get on that. He got to get on that I guess you said or probably told you when he went into great detail about the the better part of the fortnight that he was trapped in my locket that I have married the queen of the Spartanca jungle and she needed my attention and I've been running around looking for you guys this whole time. That's why he has that

silver finger. Oh yeah, that's what this is. Deep more work life balance shaggy. Yes, I have to get home. I have to take care of my children. I have to patch things up with my snake wife. I have to, uh, yes, I have to put things right. All right, I will do that. Yes, I will return to Shrek. Well, good chat. Oh, good chat, Baron. I think return to Shrek. Well, good chat

Good chat, Baron. I think this is I think this is a new leaf for you I think you're gonna turn things around and Shrek. Yes, you know if Shrek needs help You should reach out to the new king in Northeast. I'm sure he'd be glad to help you a good friend of mine King and Queen Oh, yes, not married, but King and Queen. Yeah, the brother and sister King and Queen in North East, yeah, I'm sure they'd be happy to help you out. Before you know it, everything will be peaches and cream.

Thank you, thank you. Your help will be so much appreciated. Your kindness, your forgiveness, it's truly amazing. Oh. I will set strike right, yes. Yeah. If you get started, maybe you'll be able to turn everything around in time for where solstice It'll be a happy time of year. Oh, solstice. Yes, I can have solstice with my family and oh

You know what? You know what's funny for the first time in years we can celebrate Christmas. Oh That's fantastic. Oh, you didn't celebrate Christmas as a devotee of the Dark Lord? For the strangest thing, the Dark Lord allowed his followers to celebrate every solstice holiday. Like, even Gundersteen, which is about defeating a Dark Lord, but he wouldn't let any of us celebrate Christmas. We were strictly forbidden. Oh, that's straight. And anyone who tried was caught without fail.

Ooh, a little mystery to a pack. Yes, but in Shrike, I can do that. And if I hurry, I can maybe, maybe we can hold on to control of Skurr, too, while we're at it. Not letting people celebrate Christmas. What a humbug, Bragg. Huh. Well, maybe Nightbay, too.

Yes. Baron, if you needed any help, let me know when I can always lend a fork in. Ah, it just gets better with age. Thank you, Chant. That bit has brought me happiness. It's your real uncut gem. Oh, yeah. All right, well, I have to get going everyone, goodbye. Goodbye. Wade, wank, wank. Oh, yes, yes, goodbye.

That's a good, wait, did you write, wait down, I feel like that's a good name, wait the wanderer. Okay, yeah. Arty, at least pretend to write it down. I am Your arms are folded in front of your chest and you just went for But they heard the noise of my of my quill right? Okay, so should I go or are you guys still doing emails? You know why?

We have a dead email in a while Hey, listeners, please email and said to MagicTaverna puppies.supplies. I'm sure we'll do some emails before too long. You can reach me at 4k and at geoshittys.org. No, you can't. Goodbye, Baron. Good blessings to thee, and may the goddesses watch over thee. Uh, okay. Gwendolyn come.

I think we did it. I think we got away with it. Yeah, well I'm still cleaning this gutter, so we haven't gotten away with it yet. I think we have to finish these. Alright, well just keep scrubbing. I'll put this on the chore wheel. I'll add it to the new chore wheel. Nice.

Oh and don't write dark lord. Maybe just put DL. Um, maybe we need to know you from his name. Yeah, we used to call the Dark Lord the book club. Maybe... March Madness. What were some of the names of the people that got killed? Hmm... I can't read my own handwriting. Oh, worthless. I don't know, I handwriting. Oh, worthless.

I don't know, I wish you really would have written them down instead of going, bop bop bop bop. Look, I'm just gonna make up a view of you you've missed a name. So I'm just gonna make up a name that I, that it doesn't belong to anyone. It's just a new name. Fizzle Von Pizzlewitch.

Yeah, that sounds great. Are you any notes? Nope. Okay, let's get into the emails. Look for pints of Fizzle Von Pizzle Witch wherever Ben and Jerry's is sold. Now with a dense core of Pizzle in the center of every container. You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern, a podcast that stands on its own

while also serving as a prequel to my favorite murder. Use it or the wizard was yelled by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was voiced often before other characters were finished speaking by Adolfo Refire. Baron Ragon was played by Chris Rathchin. You can hear Chris on the third season of Pocket Guide to Hell Radio, Thursdays on WLPN Lumpin Radio. Pocket Guide to Hell explores the intersections of art,

politics, and culture as illuminated by Chicago's past. Chicago listeners can tune to 105.5 FM or visit lumpinradio.com. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of The Magic Tavern Patreon. Patreon supporters get two new bonus episodes each month, including the recent Boys Night. Have a listen to this quick clip. I'm so sorry, I don't know what, could you tell me a little bit about what a lads afternoon in in tails?

Well, instead of having ale and alcohol, we'll have a nice set of tea and some beautiful finger sandwiches. And we shall then raise our glasses, clink them together and say, Lads afternoon. Hmm. Lads afternoon. Lads afternoon to you. I mean, that sounds kinda good,

but now I've been hearing people talking about... Oh, we can have a boy's night just as before, but since Arnie shan't be fully committed, I shall over commit for the first time ever. For the first time ever. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo See, and when I said quick, I didn't mean it wouldn't go on for too long, but that's a fun semantic discussion we can save for another time. To learn more, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, this episode edited by Sage GC, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alert LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Oh guys, I'm sorry. I did not chip in for the drinks. Do you guys need anything? It's on us. What do I owe you? Okay. It's on us. No, I just remember. It's fucking royalty. I got in a big, big fight with another dark lord,

minion, ogre what's good at magic. And I just have decided to always, always offer. Yeah, yeah. Is ogre what's good at magic still like? Oh, I assume so. I didn't see him eat a sword or anything. Okay. Alright. Okay. Right down the hill. Can't he not Ogo eat a sword without dying? Can the Baron finger being a werewolf?

I don't know. Not with that silver finger. I'm not gonna happen, man. We'll have to ask him next time. Thank you.