Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 50 - Chunt for Red October 7 (live from Brooklyn w/ Jo Firestone and Tim Sniffen)

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

A haunted house and the winner of the Lil' Miss Demon pageant stop by the Chunt for Red October blood drive for vampires. (Recorded live at the Bell House in Brooklyn.)CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiLittle Miss Demon: Jo FirestoneThe Haunted House: Tim SniffenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at Thalia Hall (Chicago, IL) on December 17th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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A, apologies for not being able to afford the village. B, welcome! A. Apologies for not being able to afford the village. B. Welcome to the following live performance of this podcast that is not real. It is all in your mind, even the people in the audience that you all the words to all star. But now, welcome to Hello for the Magic Tavern Live from Brooklyn's Bell House, our first live show in two years! Now sit your asses back and enjoy the show! Hello for the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast on the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

Let me just say, if you've never listened to the podcast before. It's not like if you had listened to the podcast before, it would somehow all make sense. But just in case this is, and I'm honestly, this is sincerely everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional

rift. Just it works, don't you? And I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the Strange Familiar, where we all are now. In the town of nibble bottom, at the base of the innable mountain, don't say the name. That's where a lot of people that are like, I'm still on season two, I like that. In the magical land of Foon. So it's a busy night at the tavern.

A lot of people here. It makes me feel extra special to be sitting at the tall table. It's also a fundraiser night here at the tavern. It's our yearly chant-for-red October. And to help tell you all about it, it's my good bud, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby. Mm, John, please. Bing-Bong. And of course, for Arnie, get wet. And what do you as well? I would have preferred and also went you, but...

That's what I went you. Large, please, Daddy. Arnie, do you ever just like walk around doing your thing? And suddenly it feels like you haven't washed your fur in two and a half years. Yeah. You ever have that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I, that is also sincerely what it looks like. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting.

Uh, uh, Chun. Yeah. It's such a special night. I know. Is it? It is. It's, it's the, well, I I was going to say yearly but there have been a couple of years where we forgot. Well, oh, oh, no, it's a junfer at October. That's right. Yes, thank you so much. Thank you. That's why I'm wearing a Dracula cape. So I blend in and in in food. yes. What is, what's a Dracula? Is that a... Are they saying chun or chug? Well, that's, that's a good question, because earlier they were, they were chanting butt chunt, so I don't... So Dracula, now that I'm refreshed my memory, is sort of the king of vampires?

Okay, all right. That's... it took that long to get there. Because we've missed a few chump for October's, my bad. I forgot to notify vampires where I had a different tab or now. So they, you know, they died. But I've been trying to do more promotions and contests and pageants. And part of the thing is, I've been saving my, can you, we feel those and let everyone know those are real?

And we've never met before, right? No, no. Just give those a squeeze, make sure they're real, tell everyone they're real. Yeah, these appear to be real claws. Very good. Now swallow those. Trust me, trust me. What I'm going to do is I'm going to give these out to who I think here in the tavern

at the Strange Familiar. Um, hmm. Someone gasped as if punched in the tummy. Yeah. So are you gonna look out and be like, who here is least likely to throw this away immediately? Yes. I think Chant Head over here. I think Chant Cauchyman the in there.

You can tell that one is a Chant because it looks like a shut up. I think, uh, chunk costume on the end there. You can tell that one is a chunk because it looks like a shut up, shut up. Uh, is there, do we got any pink polos in the house? There's a pink polo over there. Pink polo? Wait a minute! That is Arnie! What the fuck? Hold stand up turn on the house lights Here's the thing here's the thing he looks more like me than I do Is this fun for listeners at home

Is this fun for listeners at home? But you know what, we have brought something for all of you. And just like the stickers, there are... Snickers. I mean, it's been two and a half years. Snickers, schnickers, schnickers. I would like to introduce my good bud. He's really loud. You said are the wizard.

Master of Lighting Shadow, manipulator of Magic of Light, devour of Chaos! Champion of the Great Halls of Tarakas. The elves knew me as Fying Yalek. The drool knew me as Dunin Hook Stangies. And I am known in the North East as Gastemwayneus Mastar. And also wet to you. Thank you.

And I'm sorry, but I was waiting for a while. And I would like you to know that Dracula is not the king of vampires. He is the champagne of vampires. Must be nice to have had 10 minutes backstage. Arnie, do you think that's a world record on Earth for the most people in one room to say gas my antus? Can we call that book of yours? Is there a book that you have on Earth?

It's like a book of beer where a man has very long fingernails. And two twins ride motorcycles. Oh, the gasma heinous book of world records. Yes, yes, yes, yeah. Gasma heinous. Spaghetti. Although it's funny you bring that up. I used to or enter, never, and was yelling. I realized we're just a few years away from like the show

running itself. I had much the same thought if we could just tell them it's starting and they could just yell all the things. If we taught a duck to press a soundboard, mm-hmm. I think we could have an hour long show. And we have. And we could stay home.

So, you see, how you doing bud? I am always fighting the forces of evil at every turn. Where evil does rear its ugly head. Who's in charge of it? What are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were over here. I saw someone over there who looked a lot like me.

Oh. So we, the two of us, together, one staff in hand, the other was sword. We did see evil ahead of us and we saw this vampire on this unholy night, where we do raise blood for those evil blood suckers and we struck them down. And then we remembered as a charity thing. What the fuck? So we felt a little bad about that.

You said, or? Yes. I'm, or? Yes. I'm, already he keeps doing this. He keeps striking down vampires. And right before he does, there's a smash cut up on his face, and he says, I'm good. Topical for today.

I'll take your word for it. I'll take your word for it. Stop killing, stop killing the patrons of this bar of tonight. Well, it's just, you know, that they are evil. And my job is to eliminate evil, technically. Thank you. Weren't you one person in the crowd? Hate evil.

Yeah. That is, it is an interesting litmus test. How many people are just sort of like, gas my anus? And then you say, let's do something about evil. Yeah. Ah. evil. Yeah, they're like, eh, eh, eh. Eh, eh. Yeah, yep, yep, yep.

But I'm sorry, Chant. I'm sorry to ruin your evening. It's not my intent. It is just my nature. You know what's wrong? I mean, you were once a vampire, so. Oh, yeah. Who the fuck me?

So I'm so excited. Yeah, chose. I've never seen someone lean over, talk downward, talk downward into a mic. Basically fall asleep. Basically fall asleep. Basically fall asleep. And in the most, in the most monotone drone say, I'm so excited. I'm not, Arnie, I'm not excited. I'm not excited. I'm not excited. I'm scared.

What? I can barely contain myself. Because we have other monsters, other who might be thought of as evil who are coming tonight, and I'm afraid Yusur is going to not behave. Yusur. Yes, yes, yes. Can we promise tonight no flang,

or anybody in the tap? Ooh, you sure as in trouble. All right, I will make this promise. I shall not smite or slay any evil creatures. But if the first rail keeps acting up, I can't make any fucking promises. Oh, yeah! Arnie, when you talk to you,

you store like a child, I wanna call him Bluey. Bluey, oh, hey. Oh, my God. Bluey, when you talk to a used to or like a child, I want to call him Bluey. Bluey, oh hey. Bluey, if you pretend something we're going to have to go along with it. Wait a second, is this show Bluey? Just realizing I am bandit. Oh, I should say, if anybody has phones on Earth, you can email me at shuntwith6thesatgmail.com. And maybe at the end of this episode, I will, episode,

at the end of tonight, I will. At the end of this psychotic break, might read some of the correspondence. Oh, yeah. Finally, I've chanced for people to be involved. Yes. Perfect, yeah. Finally, I've chanced for people to be involved. Yes. Perfect. Yes.

Why don't we bring out our first guest? Yeah. Yeah. You know, already I was talking about having more contests and prizes and pageants. And one of the things we're doing this year for the first time is we are crowning a or sashing, if I might we are sashing a little sashing we're sashing a little Miss demon and I'm proud to announce we have for our guest tonight the very

first time recipient of the little Miss demon award please welcome this year's little Miss demon Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come Welcome to the show. Was he smiting me? No, I was smiting someone I was thinking about earlier. His bark is worse than his smite. Thank you for coming out. First of all, congratulations. Thank you so much. Yeah, you earned it. You earned it this year.

Thank you. I'm the wickedest little one. Yeah. Yeah. And how? I don't we don't typically ask in the forms, but how older you Jets a joke. That's just a fun tavern joke Cuz I just didn't know with little we didn't know how to quantify that.

Size, youth. It's size. OK. Size. OK. So someone left this? Oh, that is candy. No, no, thank you.

Oh. OK. You don't like candy? No, thank you. Where can I put it? Oh, if you just toss it over here at a chantigan, you can put it back in his bag. Perfect. She is a demon. Snickers and beer? That ruins both. Yeah.

So, what do I call you? What is your, is there, do you have a name that is pronounceable by the human tongue? Yes. OK. Can, can, may I, you're? So sorry. I don't mean to do that.

Did my reps not? Oh, did they have reps? Oh, I'm sorry we're there some my reps should have sent in advance oh I just want to be clear there's a lot of off limits questions so I just wanted to make sure you all know those okay I know this might be self-defeating but what are the off-limits questions? Okay, so like an example of an off-limits question would be like how bad are you? Well, that would have been so fun. What's the worst thing you've ever done?

Is it all right to sort of get around that one by being like what's the second worst thing you've ever done? Okay Or we could ask some leading questions like how many souls have you devoured this week? Oh good one That's also off limits I take What I think I think what's happening is we're focusing a lot on her being a demon. What are your hobbies? Great question. Um, I'd say grilling.

Okay. Already don't ask grilling what? Don't ask grilling what? Don't ask grilling what? Don't ask grilling what? Already don't ask grilling what? Um, grilling what? Grilling who? LAUGHTER Hmm, I guess just, you know, anyone that...

er... ribs? LAUGHTER OK, all right. We're in safe territory, technically, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Everybody grills ribs. It's not necessarily a sacrifice or something evil. Yeah.

Everybody does. Every single person grills ribs. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. when Little Miss Demon was sashed. You saw a wrote a song for it. You saw a do you wanna sing this song?

Yes, obviously. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! She'll keep you screaming, little Miss Demon. There she comes walking, and keep not talking.

For there are certain questions we must never ask. And in now her demonic glory bask. But why ask me to sing? But why ask me to sing when Olli's so excited? Yeah. I just was told that everybody prepared a different song. Oh. Oh.

We... I already did mine. that everybody prepared a different song. Oh. Oh. Oh. We. Oh. Oh. I already did mine. We, we, we, we will get to the songs. But before that, you said, or are you open to notes? Sure. Loved it.

Front to bottom. Front to bottom. Front to bottom. Front to bottom. It's been a couple years. It's been a couple years. Yeah. Have you been to the doctor recently? Yeah, he said you're looking good. Front to bottom.

So, they missed a part. So, the first rhyme was great. Screamin' and then rhyming Screamin' with D-mon. That was a choice. You could've gone demon to really nail that rhyme down. Instead you said Screamin' D-mon. And is there a regional difference between a demonin' D-mon. And is there a regional difference between a demon

and a demon? Yeah. Yeah. Right. And you are a... That is definitely a question you should never ask. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sean, I'm sorry.

Is this a situation where she's only here to talk about her new album? I'm not sure. I don't know. I'd like to hear the other songs. Oh, yes, of course, yes, of course. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

There she is. Little Miss Demon. Boy, oh boy. Got those ribs screaming G.O. My dancing so swell My OG straight out of hell She got the horse got the sash got the hooves she got the horse got the sash she got the hooves She got the horse got the sash she got the hooves fuck, a little Miss Steven. And now immediately Arnie's, and now I'll be at the Arnie's.

She's a wonderful demon. Can't you hear her scream, Mom? Thank you for that. This song could go on and on, but I am darn good. Yeah. And then, of course, as a prize for you winning, you get to sing a song or not.

Oh, yes. Oh yes. My prize. I am a demon. I knew it. I knew it. I'll tell you by scream on. Dream on. Fuck. Now it seems like I got a lot of crap.

About my song. Which then seemed eerily familiar to all of the following songs. I'm gonna smite something so hard after this. I clearly just said after this. Is it weird, and I heard this before coming in, that I heard rumor that everyone in the tavern tonight is a librarian. Why? What makes you say that? They're like, look, everyone in the tavern tonight is a librarian. Why? What makes you say that? They're like, look, everyone in the tavern tonight is a librarian, but they just need a break.

Hey, just a quick question. What exactly is involved in a smiting? Oh, yeah. Just kind of in your personal experience. Well, that's a great question. Because I think which evil in a number of different ways, right? Yeah.

Smiteene is just one of them. Often I shall banish an evil entity to another dimension. Often I'll just kill them straight out, just kill them. There was that, what was that, there's like a six-month period where you entered a street smiter? Street smiter? Yeah.

Well, there are street smiter ones. I don't know if they killed it one, there's two there's street smiter. Right, street smiter, yeah. Okay, okay. Right, right, you do that. Can you, can you tell us? You drawing a blanket?

Bye, son. Bye, son. By, son. Well, and smiting is particularly difficult, because it requires you to cast a spell that not only kills the creature, evil, and steened question, but also then traps them within an object. Yeah, just kind of curious about your definition of evil. Well, there's a lot of things I'm not crazy about.

But evil generally is summoned up by the forces of darkness and the pits of hell, or by the dark ward himself. A lot of my friends are evil, so I was just kind of curious about like kind of what you would, I don't know. Well, I mean, I mean, I've met many evil people, and you seem very charming and very disarming. And I'm always open. It's not rhyming.

I'm always open and hoping that a demon shall come around to the side of good and then sit around and eat some food. No, he got it, he got it. And it's been a dream of fine for a long, long time little Miss Demon to convert someone from evil to the side of good. I've long hoped it would be our nemesis, the evil Baron Ragon, or one of my sworn enemies, I come to you here today. Is he proposing? Oh my God. Oh no, please.

Don't do this in public. No, no, no, no. Will you please be good for us? Join the forces of light and fight evil and all it's for, please. I just, I gotta turn someone. Oh, this is insane. I gotta tell you. I'm so excited. I don't know.

I'm so excited. Look at, look at, look at how excited, I'm so excited. Look at how excited my friends are. They can barely stand. So excited, so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

Wow. What's she gonna say? What's she gonna say? First I just wanna say thank you so much for having me. Thank you. Oh, it can't be good. When ever somebody proposes something and somebody says thank you.

And I loved like when you got down on that old knee. That looked like it was painful. It hurt, hurt a lot. Um, and just, I just kind of, I just want you to question why you need to change people. Wow. Wow. Thank you so much. No, it's, it's a point well taken. Everything serves a purpose.

The three goddesses created everything here in the world of food. Who am I? It's a question. Their grand design. If they wanted that to be evil, then they, if they didn't want that to be evil, they wouldn't have created evil. Arnie, he's spiraling. But if they didn't want that to be evil, they wouldn't have created evil. Arnie, he's spiraling. But if they didn't still want someone to stop people, they wouldn't have created me. Oh. I have to. I'm going to have to think about this. Yes, sir.

Would you do me a favor? You know how I have those little skin flaps in my fur? Yes. Would you magic me some earth money? Of course. Eroth turnon ta-ha. Wow, it worked. And then when someone get me a blue moon,

whatever that is, yeah. Anyway, check off blue moon, you know. Yeah. So if we, I don't, if you want to talk about it, do you want to talk about what you did for the talent portion? Because I have never seen that in my life. It was both horrifying and satisfying. It was funny. It was sad. It was everything you could ever want in

any sort of talent. Yeah, I guess I could tell you about it. I practiced for a really long time. Basically, I ate a human pyramid. You're blue moon is too much. Oh, thank you, thank you. What is this weird can? Yeah, don't pretend like you're not going to need that second one. Wow, you don't need money on earth already? Must be nice. So, can I ask?

Can I ask, when you eat a human pyramid, what's your process? Totally. A lot of people would think you started the bottom. You started the bottom for sure. No, because then it creates a mess. So you start in the middle. Excuse me? You said you don't start at the bottom, so you start in the middle?

You start at the top. Start at the top. And then it trickles down from there. That's. It's basically from front to bottom. From front to bottom, yeah. So is it something of like for every person you eat, two of their friends will get eaten? No, no, they watch the person above them as they bear the weight. Yes.

And then you eat them after they've experienced basically kind of hardship from above. Wow, hardship from above. Let's remember that if we ever make an album. Okay. Can I ask, do you have anybody terrible in your life? Are you asking me out? Whoa, Arnie! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

I'm so excited. I mean, I guess I'm a little... You know, the sash. I'm a little star-struck, I guess I'm a little, you know, the sash. I'm a little star-struck, I guess. I guess I just, I'm just, interesting getting to know you better. Like, that doesn't have to go anywhere. Yes, perhaps a little misdeme, you don't know. But Ongi is a man from another world.

He comes from a place called Earth. On this world, there's no magic. And there are no demons and there are no wizards. And they record these things called podcasts, which is why we're talking into these little ice cream cones. Oh. And it's something they do.

It's something they do the past the time because their lives are mostly empty. Woo! Woo! It's something they do to pass the time because their lives are mostly empty. I got that right, right? Yeah, pretty much. Or they have to do the dishes. Yeah. And sorry, is this so like the podcast thing just curious? So there's like, it just like kind of, is it, like, how do

you, is it, is there a network? Oh boy, well, there, I got, I don't have a short answer for that. First of all, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a bird game in Chicago. Wait, wait, wait, let him say. Wait Arnie, Arnie, oh why no, are you saying who touched? If we touch, do not touch. First of all, I'm gonna hold the microphone. hold the microphone. Some years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical anaphoon where I pick up a Wi-Fi signal and I'm trying to get hold. I'm only a season three. Okay, to be fair, to be fair, to be fair, already, and their defense, they're only as he's in three, so they've only heard that 300 times. That's true.

Well, hey, the biggest clue that he might really be me is he wasn't entirely sure of how much time it was. And to be fair, I'm only on season 3. I'm sorry to do this, but my reps did say there would be two songs from each of you. So is that the second song from each of you coming soon? Well, I'm happy to sing a song as always, but I suppose I don't know, One, do you want me to wait to sing the song? Well, that's a good question.

We do have another guest. I would have to imagine if there was any singing going on, they would want to be here. Uh, John, do you mind introducing our next guest? Not at all. Yeah, this is another thing we thought to bring into Chant for Red October just to kind of get butts in the seat. And I think it's, what was that? Fuck, that's good.

Fuck, that's good Fuck that's good I'm really good. This is you Sador. This is chant and we're getting nuts In the seats in the seats So this is a new This is a new thing we thought to try out which is to have inside the tavern an entire Haunted house, Please welcome a haunted house. Oh my goodness. Is it just me? Is anyone else seeing the way this haunted house is floating gracefully? That's the only way a house can move. Now I'm setting myself down inside this tavern.

Watch out for the snickers. What a wonderful surprise. Well, Arnie, they're opposites and you know what they say about opposites? We've got it. They attract. It just takes longer. Sorry, aren't these librarians or so used to shutting up? They talk a lot to each other, don't they? Yeah, but sometimes they'll ask you out

You're going to ask me out No Guys, oh I hate to say this I gotta get inside that haunted house God, boss get to know me first God, boss. Get to know me first. Excuse me. So, have you been a haunted house long? Is this you getting to know me?

It is. Arnie, let them settle. Old houses need to settle. It's true. It's true. No, have I been a haunted house for long? Yeah. Have you always been haunted?

Was there some point where you're just a house? It's so long ago I can barely remember it. There was a time, yes. I was a normal dwelling. And then, as you can see, I have five ghosts hovering in front of me. A haunted house? A side.

A side. Feel free. A side. Oh, hovering in front of me. On a house, aside, aside. Feel free. A side. To have an aside. Oh, for sometimes when you need to speak. All you need to do is turn to the audience and rant and rave about whatever is stuck in your crawl. And then the forces of evil shall fly from your sight

for they fear the power of you, sonor! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I was an ordinary dwelling like any other waiting to be owned or rented fairly new and my shingles still sturdy, my shutters still open, and then a family of five on vacation wandered in front of my house, your right to gasp. Let us simply rest here for the night, and then they all stood on my spiral staircase right in the middle of the grand entrance. But it had been designed to support that many people. The entire thing gave way. And then if I'm not mistaken, there's another sixth little ghost right here. The dog ran into the house to check on them and they were fine until that moment, but when the dog fell on them, the weight of the dog killed them all.

I'm sorry, I didn't get an aside. Oh, please. Oh, they're fun. I just want to say, hey. So you're haunted by vacation ghosts. Yes, they're different than normal ghosts. Yeah. They're far more lighthearted. But as long as they dwell in me, I can never be a piece, and neither can they. I know, look at them. They look happy in this reenactment. Yeah.

And they are vacation ghosts, but they're still eternally restless. I will say one of the ghosts, and I don't know which one it is. What part of the family? There's one ghost that's just kind of like, Yes. That's their son, Oliver.

You're chimney. You're chimney. I know my chimney, It's falling apart. I'm falling apart. Do you want to get an estimate? Yes, I'd love an estimate of what I might be worth. Yeah, I'd say based on the roof, the foundation, the spider. I'd say front to bottom.

I'd say 350 gold coin. I'd say 350 gold coin. I'll take it. Shunt in this market. What can I say? On a house, we're so glad to have you. Of course, you've met little misdeem, and do you have a song prepared? Well, it's so funny you bring that up because I think my entrance interrupted a song

from each of you. And I am so sorry to mention that. The nice thing is all this time talking about me. You've had so much time to prepare your songs. And I heard they were going to be genre bending. There could be what? genre bending. genre bending. genre bending.

Well yes of course. Of course. Oh. I mean it doesn't be simple enough to sing a song about birds. Birds. And before you say the starts, know that my genre is going to be covers. And my genre is going to be unrecognizable.

Setting down your drinks, not going to help, buddy. I believe you may have heard. Oh, it's like one of those old-timey mountain songs. But the thing I love is a bird. Smart to slow it down so he can ride better. In some places it may not be legal but I do love the high-soring eagle and if your mind is too narrow

allow me to love our sparrow Because my heart is throbbing And I must love this raven I love birds, I love birds, I love birds I love birds, I just spent a genre. Son of a bitches. I always smart to have the one who does a voice go first. Yeah, I'm sorry for buying you time. All right, I'll go next to my genre will be rap. Little Miss Demon, Little Miss Screamin, Brittle Miss

Keeman, Brittle, Brittle Brattle, Brattle Burrow, Vermont, Vermontster, Jen and Barry, Ben and Jerry, scary, hairy, hairy, hairy, let's play two. Onnie. Onnie. Yeah. Do they have a rap on Earth? Have we ever told you about rap and food?

No. What? It's pretty different. Yeah. I've got to say, didn't sound like anything I'd ever heard before. I love how here in food, it's more of a free association with a clumsy beat. LAUGHTER Uh, my genre is going to be instrumental. Damn it, damn it's good.

Wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa Wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa wawa I guess already is instrumental to this podcast. I think it's great that at least one person on this stage is a great singer and they have not sang. Little Miss Demon? No, it's not me. Would there be any sort of a duet we could do? No. No.

Thought I'd just throw it out there. Yeah, he did. Honey, House, I'd love to hear more about your bats. Yes, haunted house, tell us about your bats. Oh, you lost the ghost. You lost the ghost. Go into the light! One of them is free.

One of them is being set free. Here, hold on. Go. It shouldn't hurt anyone. Yes. Wow, that broke someone's nose. That person isn't excited, but they don't realize this is like the ring.

They just accepted a ghost. Yes, the ghost is with you now. Good luck with that. You don't understand though, this has never happened before. The ghosts have never left me before. Maybe if I can get rid of all these ghosts in this one evening, we can call this a successful show. Yeah. Well, haunted house, what do you think caused that ghost to leave?

It seemed like when you're just about to say. Well, oh, I think your passion, I think your passion is exercising the ghosts. So you have to do, uh, uh, uh, uh, eight songs. Or... 8 songs? Or Well another one of them just laughed Yes, oh this was this I was about to say infant but no we'll say this was the dog This was the pet this finally free. It's just that pet. It's just the pet the infant stayed home during the vacation They were a negligent family, but the infant survived to tell this story.

Go free! How many is left now? There's three? Four. Four. Maybe they're just terrified of setting other people up to sing songs. Yes, that's very possible. Maybe this apron is just too well made.

Alright. It doesn't matter who fashion this apron or how flimsy it is. They say that in some circles, certainly here in Foon, a single, couple of qualifies as an entire song. We've all heard that, haven't we? Many times tonight. All right. And this is a song for you I'm led to believe. Yeah. Mine will be a lullaby. I'm so excited. And as each of these moments happen, you can help me by setting the ghost free from my apron if you're comfortable with that.

Okay. Find it, find it house. Find your voice. Yes, breath control from your basement, right up through your chimney and into the sky! I think someone's drowning. Oh, well, it's one of the ghosts. That's what happened. They drowned in some water in the basement. From my strong foundation to my jaundice chimney, This lullaby goes out to the demon bee for me. One of the ghosts.

Didn't make it to a new family, sorry, friend. Only roses for my demon, including the thorns. What a jauntily it'll demon you are, especially your horns. That one really doesn't want to lead. That one was boiled alive and its skin came off first, so that's what's going on there. We'll do the next two together. That goes, goes to its new home, be it old person or kid. I'm so proud of you for eating your way through a human pyramid. We know that the secret once you start from the top. They're free. They're all free here.

Go, ghost. Go to your new life. Finally, finally, their vacation has come to an end. Now, I'm just a creepy house with bats. You know, sometimes after an exorcision, I feel like I just need another exorcism. You know what I mean? Sure. Wow, how does it feel to just be...

I mean, I don't want to sound rude, but to be fair, you're now just... You don't? Uh-huh. You don't want to... I guess there's something about him. I want to be a little rude. I mean, just for the...

This is your chance. Just for the contrast. Let's hear you trying to sound rude. Oh! I'm so sorry. But I was going to say you're now just a house. How does that feel? Your identity has been stripped.

That's like if little misdemen was just little or just demon. But I'm gonna say you're now just a house. How does that feel? Your identity has been, that's like, if little misdemen was just little or just demon. But I'm not. But, to be fair, to be fair you're not. I'm not. You're a little misdemen. Yes. How does it feel to just be a house?

I, I don't know. I've been a haunted house for so long. They've been with me for so long. I'm just a house again. Maybe now I can finally pursue my dream of being a doctor. A house practicing medicine? I'm not going to be a doctor. Strange your things have happened. Doctor House, I'd watch that. Can I just say something kind of crazy?

Please. I also want to be a doctor. What? So, Doctor Little Ms. Demon? Mm-hmm. Would you specialize in anything? Yeah, I guess killing people. Oh. Oh.

Well, Euthanasia is an important part. People shouldn't be allowed to suffer beyond the point that they no longer wish to suffer. Yeah, I think that's... I do want to make people suffer. I... I... I thought I had a win here.

Well, I still think it's a noble pursuit to become a doctor and to learn about anatomy and to help those in need. And we could work as a team. You could take them out and I could bring them back. Do you maybe want to practice your bedside manner? Like, would you want to? Are you trying to ask me out? Oh, this is so exciting.

No, I'm just... Look, we don't have to put labels on it or anything. I already asked someone about their bedside manner. It's like saying, do you want breakfast in the morning? Look, I stopped myself from earlier from saying I wanted to lay that foundation. Like, aw. Thanks for your restraint.

If you, I don't want to rush this, I can see this is still in its early stages, but if it does work out and you need something of a newlywed cottage, I'm in the market. You're taking a long time to answer. I'm just saying so far when people walk into that house, they die immediately. Fair. Fair.

I have a troubled past, and I want you to look past all that and make it right. Also, just stay off the stairs. Live on the first floor. It's not complicated. So the first floor is completely safe. Besides the stairs. It's a dream. It's huge, it's spacious. It's now, it's modern. Lots of good light. So what you're saying is there is no ill intent in the death of those people on your part,

so that evil is just a thing that happens and not a state of being. No. No? No. Okay, I'm still working on it. Okay. Did someone out there say maybe she's born with it? Because that's a pretty good fucking joke.

And I'm sorry to do this, but I have to give you credit for that. Now everyone else shut up. Arnie, I have some emails here. No, I don't. This first email says, finally, a venue for people to express themselves on this show. First email says, I love you from the first row. Oh, but it's from Laura Mock. So she's making Laura Mock. So she's making fun of me.

Oh, this is from Kyle. Karney says, Arnie, copy. What is your favorite grilled rib, Arnie? Oh, what is your favorite grilled rib? My favorite? I don't know how to repeat it again to make you understand. It's like five fucking words. Pork beef, human, just tell a little bit of misdemean.

You know, I like all the grilled ribs. I didn't ask the question. No. I like all the grilled ribs and I'm willing to talk about it more after this show. This is from Jeremy. Jeremy says little misdeem in. What is your perfect, what is your perfect first date? And Arnie didn't send that email. Did he?

Not that I can tell. How is Jeremy spelled? Jay, sorry. Jay. E. O. E. M. Y. J-E-O-E-M-Y.

I always forget how much spelling there isn't that song. What song? Stop giving him a half a time. Jeremy spoke on email today. Do you have a perfect first date? Oh, yeah. Good to know. Aston, Aston.

This is from Adam. Adam says, Oh hang on, hang on. Can you tell us about what your perfect first date would be? Yeah. Okay, I didn't even think to follow up. Now you can read the next email. Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?

Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?

Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?

Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? the timeline right now because that I wonder if that email happened before I literally said the words, I'm on the market. And if so, no harm to whoever wrote that, but I'll just say rent for a few months, see what you say. Why rent the house when you can get the house for free? Okay. Is that evil?

Uh, a little misdeem, and are there any particular responsibilities to being little misdeem and like, is there like things you have to do throughout the next year? Totally. No further questions. Here's an email from Evan. Evan says, boys might. But then, sorry, Evan continues. Not tonight, though, Little Ms. Demon rules.

Yeah. Are there rules to being a demon? Is there something you could do to like, you kicked out of the league? Yeah, I mean, kind of like, if you get smited, it's kind of a thing. So you try not to get smited. Yeah, because if you get smited, if you get smited,

if you get smited, then things are not so good for you. So maybe it's not always good to smite. And maybe you want to do a little aside about how you're going to smite some more. Wow. You used to have dents and smiting words. But before you smite, there is another email. This is from Jesse.

Let's all calm down. Jesse says, what kind of horn care routine does Little Miss Demon follow, dying over how good they look under the tavern lights. You're all wonderful from Jesse K. It's hidden shoulders. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Head and shoulders and ribs and ribs. Knees and toes. Is it possible that we've been cursed that we just have to repeat things? I've been thinking a lot about smiting and the nature of evil and perhaps evil is allowing things to happen that I had the power to stop. Rather than sitting idly by while evil is enacted under my nose. Now by the rules of your contest to become little misdemean, you had to do a talent, you ate a human pyramid, that's pretty impressive. Smite worthy? No. Evil? No. Because everyone consented and knew what was they were getting into. I assume if you're in a demon contest where you form a human pyramid, you're at least

a little suspicious or expect to be developed. I mean, odds are, I mean, you don't go there and go, I'm gonna be fine. Some of them were probably looking forward to it all week. They were like, oh, I'm gonna get in a human pyramid. Right. I'm gonna watch someone get eaten on top of me, and then I'm gonna get eaten. Yeah, yeah.

This person knows what I'm talking about. Teach their own, but not that. This is an email from Anne Marie F. Anne Marie F says, I love you. Don't find this rude, but what animal have you not slept with? Do you find that rude? I don't find this rude. The one animal I have not slept with, there's a few.

But the one I will never sleep with out of respect for one of my best friends is a starling. Yeah, fuck them. Wait, wait, I can? No, no, no, no. So quick question if I'm allowed to do that. Of course. You've never slept with a starling. Have you ever come close? Oh, I've come close, I've come far. It's probably hard to come close to a starling.

Yeah. Let's, okay, someone here says, a few people ask, can I get a picture? Instead of doing, can we just, honnard house, one, I'm sorry. My apologies. House. Thank you.

Do you mind coming front and center? Yeah. Yeah. And then can we all, if people want a picture, can we all stand in your yard? Oh, I see. Yes, yes, yes, gather, gather in front of my yard. Yeah.

It's been so long since living beings have destroyed it. Guys, you've got to see this backyard. I work out. Never one be super excited. Great, so I just look like I'm sucking my own dick. Can we give it up again for a little misdemean? Woo! Woo!

Arnie, there's 50 to 70 more emails, but honestly, after perusing them, I don't want to read them. So what you're saying is, you actually read them before reading them? Well, I was skimming for non-filth, and we still snuck a few filth in. Well, I was skimming for non-filth and we still snuck a few filth in. Yeah, sure.

Oh, hey, I will churn this tavern around. Look, isn't this what chunfer red October is all about? Haven't we all done some things that some people would think were creepy or weird or a little too loud? Yes. And I think there's no better metaphor for what's happened here than knowing that at least the few of us are gonna leave here tonight and be haunted by what happened for the rest of their lives. It's so hard to understand this lesson when it's not in song. Mama, don't feed me no baloney. I want to say which please.

I want something thick and dirty. I want a man which please. Don't feed me no baloney. I want a man which please. Wow. Arnie that was beautiful. That was gorgeous. Oh thank you. I see now a man which is capable of evil. For all of us capable of evil, it's a decision each of us make. I can't smite and all the demons. If there may be some good demons

and there may be some evil humans and evil elves and dwarves. And it's not my place to decide who is evil and who is not. It is the place of the goddesses to judge who is evil and who is not. So from this day forth, I will just vanquish, banish or kill.

Wow, wow. I've really turned over our new leaf. Progressive, progressive. Wow. And you know what? I'm feeling a little tinged in my heart, a little tickle, a little burst. I feel like my heart shapes you to 10 times tonight. And you know what?

For a given old friend, but I don't think in mind, I will fuck a starling tonight. Yes. Yes. What else? I feel like each of us feels deep down that if we talk in a reflective way, yes, maybe that means the show is over. Is it time for five different sides?

Yeah. Yeah. Since we started this show, I always had a rule that I wouldn't end the show until half the people booed. And... Excuse me. Hasn't been a problem yet. Oh, sorry, little misdemean has something.

Sorry, I just think it might be really nice if we ended the show with the four of you doing a human pyramid. LAUGHTER CHEERING I'm so excited to see how this is going to go with four people. Pura, mint. OK. We all look for mint. We all look for mint. I'm so excited to see how this is going to go with four people Whoever has health insurance on top Also,'m tall, but how am I don't even want to say

Front to bottom front to bottom front to bottom front to bottom Is anything more enjoyable than the sounds of a group of people doing something that only has value visually? Trust me when I say that human pyramid lasted at least eight seconds, and as bottom left, they were a long eight seconds indeed. User of the blue was played by Matt Young. Chant the talking badger was played by Adolfo Refire. Little Miss Demon was played by special guest Joe Firestone. To learn more about Joe's stand-up, her podcast Dr. Game Show, or her card games Punderdome and fruits, check out her website JoFierstone.com.

The now-unhaunted house was played by Tim Sniffin, and I'd like to say how wrong I've been. All the times I've said the podcast is a form of entertainment that could never achieve greatness. Effortless, nuanced, timeless. What a treat to get a smile and a masterclass at the same time. Unhaunted house, you're doing everything right. Want to see a live show yourself? You're in luck?

There's going to be a special hello from the Magic Tavern Winter Solstice live show in Chicago at Taliahol on Saturday, December 17th. There's a link for tickets in the show notes. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Like Michael Oxley and Renee Felge, a small voice, Courtney Grimmit, I love when Leprechaun Butler is support the show, Matthew Killian, Cameron Schell's,

Jodie, M Scott, Chuck Metcath, Josh McKee, Paddy with two D's, oh you're not the scuba diving authority, thanks for the distinction, Gino, Matthew Brown, Diego Cancel from Puerto Rico, Omar the Horrible, agreed, Kaitlyn Trullinger Dwyer and Kelly Mack. Patrons get ad-free versions of all episodes, all the spin-offs like offices and bosses, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekhamt, Matt Young in Adolf Refyre, post-production coordination by Garrett Shultz. This episode edited by Sage GC. Special thanks to the staff of the Bell House in Brooklyn, and also Minis Bar where we hung

out afterwards, possibly too long. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poet. you