Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 52 - Shoe (w/ Nick Vatterott)

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

A lowly talking shoe may be a cursed prince from the future.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiPrince Elizabeth Shoe: Nick VatterottMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at Thalia Hall (Chicago, IL) on December 17th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Do you hear it? The season of horror is upon us. A time of year where specters lurk around every corner and your deepest fear hang on someone suggesting through the window. Your deepest fears back in... What do you mean it's over? The season of horror just began like 31 days ago. Oh, right, your puny Earth months.

Well, do you hear it? The season... ...uh, between feeling scared and, uh, feeling joyful. The void we all call November. Oh, who am I kidding? November is an interesting, it's seasonal effect of disorder with a big meal in the middle of act 3. Well, let's just get through it. Sit back and enjoy the show. I'll test test one, two, hello from the Magic Tavern season four episode.

All right, I think the mic check is done. All right, now I now go get a drink. He drank before the episode starts. Yeah, test test test test test test. Losing the screws of the chair. Test test test test. T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t- Hey, honey, sorry, I saw the whole thing. So... I was just walking up to the table for our recording. Uh, I guess I could have ran and slid under you, but I would have been squished. Are you okay, buddy?

Look, first of all, we've been over this. Don't run inside under me. Why not? Just... Just don't like it. It feels good. Honey, fear not, I was across the tavern with this crystal ball, and I captured every moment of you falling from that broken chair. And now I can show it tovern with this crystal ball and I captured every moment of you falling from that broken chair. And now I can show it to everyone in this crystal ball.

Why is it playing like a sort of the boomerang gift thing? Like, just going falling, getting up, falling, getting up, falling, getting up? Or any, that's what you do. You fall and you get up. Hey, listen, also I saw two little creeps talking into the microphone before you sat down and also on my way over here I seemingly passed a woman who kind of looked like me, but she was wearing a black and white bikini with green hair and a lot of lipstick

Like a sexy like a weird sexy version like we had scary sexy chunt. Yeah. Well, I don't know what was scary I guess I was yeah, I was frightened and sexy. Well, no, maybe the feelings that have brought up for you were those scary? I guess so as well. But you had big lips, beautiful long green hair. Lips, okay, I wasn't sure what that sentence was going. She had big fat juicy, big ol' plump knockin' lips. Just, you know, lips knock around.

Yeah, mommy lippers. What is that? What's there in there? Was there an air you died one? Ah, boy, let me check. Grabbed Dictionary off the shelf, flips to ease, eradicate erosion. Huh, imagine how much faster this would go if he didn't tell us what he was doing. I'm sorry, let me rephrase that. Was there one that sounded like Tony Randall? Oh, yeah. Also, that dictionary does not have enough words to it.

Eradicate and then erosion? Okay. Alrighty, it's dictionary for dummies. If you have a test and you had to study the dictionary, it's a slim-down version. It gives you the gist of it. Who needs every word? But let me see this dictionary. Okay. Dummies. Drama. Come on.

That's not even a word. Dummies were a before drama? That wasn't even an order. Wait, give me this. Hahaha. This is, that was definitely the book, not me. Don't worry, Aani, I also caught that in the crystal ball. Oh shit.

Well, everyone keep an eye out for Either those little rap scallions who were using your equipment or that sexy version of me Yeah, I think we got a chunk of chants. Yeah, what is a what is a group of me called? I believe canonically it's a chunk of chants that can't be right well to murder pros It's a pot of whales a chunk of chants. All churns. Alright. Well, Olli, I just was wanting to check in. Wait, did you do the intro to the show yet? Oh shit! Okay. It's alright. Hello from the Magic Davern! A weekly podcast on the magical land of food. I'm your host,

Arne Neekamp. If you've never listened to podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical Land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional Rift, and I used that to upload this podcast recorded here in the tavern, the Strange Familiar, in the town of nibble bottom, at the base of the ennamel mountain in the magical Land of fun. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger.

Oh, hello! Okay, hey! Wait, that's a wrong chunt! Arty, do you see her? Do you see her? Oh, so scary. But sexy! But sexy!

But sexy, thank you! Why'd you come up down down in see me nips, mommy nips? Oh, I don't you come up down and see me nips? Is that what she said? Wow! Look at her walk away! She's sexy but confused. Oh, damn, something about her.

Yeah, I'm also joined by my other co-host, He's a ghost, Yusura the Wizard. I was Yusura the Wizard of the Twelfth Rail of the Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trockus, the Elves Numius Fiengallik, the Dwarves Numius Zonenin Hukestenges, and I was known in the North East as Gascwinius Mastar, but now that I have completed my true purpose I am not but a spirit in this world. Oh, and someday I shall return to the realms of Ephesius where the goddesses shall bless me once again and not a single secret name shall you secret. Oh damn

Almost gonna look into that dictionary again. Yeah, I was looking at it to me. Give it to me Well, there's a word in there secrete and I was gonna say anytime user says secret names I was gonna say secrete just for like a fun little prank. That's fun. That is fun. Let's say it says secret secrete stunned and then it starts the tease this sucks I Mean how many words starting with each letter do you really need? That's a good point. Meany, only three. Well, Aani, now that we've gotten through the introductions,

I wanted to check in with you and see, you're the greatest warrior in food now. Have you been challenged this week? Have you been fighting great battles? Luckily, I have not been challenged this week, so that's great. I did get interviewed by the town Cryer, who just wanted to sort of like catch up on what my- I think it was

like a puff piece on like a Foon's greatest warrior. But I'm one of the greatest wizards who's ever lived. I defeated the Dark Lord and I've been alive for over 350 years and until my recent passing, which I- Ah, honey, just a reminder, I'm not really dead, I'm just pretending to be dead. Look, you said, or in the hero game, it's just good to just not be jealous. It's important to really be happy when good things happen for the other heroes you know.

You don't need to condescend to me. I know what condescension is. I know when I'm being condescended to, and I don't need to be condescended to right now. Stop pointing to the dictionary. Condensation, condescending, conundrum. Huh. Those are the three for seas. You said, or don't worry, I talked to the town cryer. I mentioned you in the story he's going to be yelling to people in the town square.

I said that I'm the greatest warrior and all the food and you're kind of like my force ghost. He did not seem. He didn't seem to understand what that meant. I explained that you're kind of a mentor who died and you're still around and your main purpose is to whisper instructions to me. What the hell is any of that mean? Oh, this is embarrassing. Arnie, I'm trying to keep my voice low so no one hears me, but it looks like when you fell out of your chair, real, real hard and I didn't slide under you to save you.

Um, which again don't do that. Hold on, hold on, I'm still mad at on it. I don't want you to pull up another chair. I want you to take yourself, put on your shoe and get back hell out of this bar. That's what I was going to say. It looks like your shoe flew off when you fell. Yeah, put your shoe back on and get the hell out of here. This is not my shoe.

Oh, I'm big enough for my hair. I'm not gonna do it at such just beauty of courage, and mystique and adventure. Okay, so this guy's either biggest or castigery is a fucking sim. Low, yay, good, sir, Shu. I know that though we may be the greatest heroes in Foon, that we are of the common folk, so please join us at the table. If you are sentient and capable of speech.

Me? A-a-a-mea, a-mea-floor, stopper? Just nothing but loose laces. I can't even bow them together to look like a professional footwear being I Take your invitation and I will sit with you No, wonderful and I will tell everyone of the kindness that you decided to give me even though I was not worthy Do I guys does he think that shoes stop the floor from floating away

or something? Why does he think he's a floor stopper? Why, what do you think? Arnie Loosly's sink faces. Oh, whoof, I don't want to sink my face. Here, here's a seat right here. Good, sir, sir, shoe. Do you have a name?

I'm sorry, hold on, before I hop up there. Stay. Stay, earth, stay. Okay, you get a treat. Stay. Stay Earth. Stay. Okay. You'll get a treat. Alright. Thank you so much. I you know a lot of people don't talk to me. So for you to be such great warriors to not only not run and fear and confusion away from me, but to be, show me such good-heartedness, I just, I give you a million thank yous. Oh man, I mean, that's not even what makes a good warrior.

I think we're just being semi-decent people. It sounds like people are pretty rude to you. The humble is never stops with you. Ha ha ha. Well, you're here amongst us now, so please feel welcome and and know that I am you Sadoa This is my friend Shunt, and this is my other friend Arnie. Oh, I know all of you You are all the town shelters are shouting about these days. Oh Humble shoe. Well, is there some name we should call you by?

Elizabeth or Andrew? I like Elizabeth. Hmm. Yes. Elizabeth, I, in all my great travels all cross-foon, I near MetaSenshi and Shoe, and I've met many fantastic and wonderful creatures. Can I get you a drink from the bar? Are you capable of him by being a beer? Drink. Ha ha ha. That's something I haven't heard for a long time. Which is, can I get you a drink from the bar? Are you capable of him by being a beer? Drink.

That's something I haven't heard for a long time. I would love a drink. Oh, I don't have any sort of currency. Oh. Can I get you back? Oh, there's no need. It is our gift to you. Actually, it's the only payment you're gonna get

for being on the podcast. Onnie, what do you like to drink? Oh gosh, you know, a big strong hero could probably use some red potion. Hey, shut up. Oh, get that for me too. I want whatever he has. I'll get a red potion for Elizabeth. Ony, what do you want? You can't, you know you can't have red potion. Oh, you know what? I'll have a mead.

A mead, chunt? Bubble wine. Bubble wine? Ooh, fun, I'll be right back. Um, shoo, now you said you don't have any currency, but earlier you told the Earth of its state put, you'd give it a treat. What kind of treats do you give the Earth?

Oh, I find all sorts of things inside my soul these days. It's Grav, insects, various valuable feces. Chicken soup. It's a lot of chicken soup. Very introspective. You said various valuable feces? Yes, all ranges. Some feces, it's very rare.

Some even more rare. Yeah, a lot of it petrified, some of it not so much. I kind of scared that much. Yes, absolutely. Yes, yes, yes. So your feces range goes from rare to very rare. There's not. Yes, there's no.

It's pretty much the same. I'll tell you, can I tell you my secret? Sure, please. I want't hear you shits. You have kind of hurting on money. I'll take the rare ones and throw a bunch away, so they're more rare. They're so smart. All right, here, smart shits.

It's called fixing the market. Here's everyone's drinks. Ony, you had a mead, Chantobubble wine, a red potion for Elizabeth, and I tonight I decided to mix it up and I'm going to have some common feces. Oh, oh! It's so good, isn't it?

And it makes you feel better. I never feel more clean than I have a bunch of half fresh feces inside of me. Hmm. Hmm. It's a little thick to drink, but not bad. Yeah, it's kind of like a milkshake. That's sort of my pitch. It's not bad.

Doesn't, listen. I'm not, I'm not doing well. Okay. I speak a big game, but to be honest, my rare feces are, the market has shifted away. It's, it's a lot of pee stuff that people are into Nobody's nobody's into the feces anymore. I don't know what I would I'll be honest. I win I win in hard I win in real hard. I know I got it in bulk Yeah, I'm not bulk and I cannot move it it. Oh no, and we should have been more liquid.

Yes. That would have been the smart thing. Where were you and Iana go? And Iana go? How old are you, Shu? I mean Elizabeth. Oh boy, I tell you what the story of my age is one is oldest time. Oh, that means you're very old. The story of your age is this time. Yeah, when time

started, that's when they started telling my story. Oh my goodness. And Elizabeth, I don't mean to be rude. If you've existed for so long, were you always a solo shoe or were you a pair? Yeah. I was once a pair at a time, a time even further from the past, one known as the future. Ugh. Yes, I was in love. I had a kingdom that I've ruled. People respected me.

They knew my name. They would give me cool handshakes. Oh, I love cool handshakes. Super cool, like I, I like one with everybody. Aw, that's the dream. Yeah, it was great. Well, after Eons, you get a lot of time to work on these things, but I have an amazing tale

of how I was turned into a shoe if you have the time. Or do we have the time? Oh, yeah, you know, we do have the time already do you have the time? Oh, yeah, you know, I we do have the time But can it wait until after this break? That would actually give you a minute to try to remember how it goes. Oh, yeah, I mean it's been eons We could take a quick break and then tell you I mean if you're working on eon time this break is gonna feel like nothing What's this written on the side of Elizabeth all day I dream about sex? Is that what that says?

I could, it hurts my neck when I try to see it. So Elizabeth, what were you before you were a shoe? Well time in the future is much like now But everything is up higher Otherwise, it's about the same When you say a pire does that include the ground that usually keeps stumped down or did things lift up off of the ground It's all off the ground. It's all just really high. I don't know if the ground's getting lower or we're getting higher.

It just seems to be, we just try to escape food in this entire universe. So wait, are people ladders? Most are, the evolution turns them into ladders. Oh, that makes sense. Don't even know where their feet touch. People are scared of what would happen if their feet would touch the ground.

In fact, there's nothing more lowly, disgusting. That would make your diarrhea curl than touching the surface of the land. How you doing, your diarrhea? Yeah, you don't have to diarrhea to curl I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it.

I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. I can't even tell you how to do it. Hey? Good, good. Keep it at bay, even. Wow. So there was a time you were a... Ladder?

I was a prince. Oh, you were a prince. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry to bury the lead there. No, as I understand you were a prince in the future when these things have lifted up toward the sky. And I'm incredibly impressed by this, because I only know of one other person who's ever come from the future And that's our friend can the wizard. Yeah, he's a very cool wizard. No, he sucks shit

But he's lived through time so many times He's never mentioned this time where things lived up in the sky. Please tell us about this kingdom in the sky Yeah, well, I mean if he's lived as long as you say that you know what what is eons for us could be Geons for him Never know who to the chee on Jesus give me that dictionary Yeah, it's not in here. It must be a word from the future. It is geode. I know what a geode is I

Yeah, they've got geode and they've got go Geo'd I know what a geo'd is I yeah, they've got geo'd and they've got go And then just the letter G and then it's not geo which is like you're just giving a lot of letters That should not be under G at all well, that's not Oh You said you need to learn a fucking spell my dude Sorry my prince Or aprons will continue. So I was writing down,

invent library. Well, you know what, we've got those. We've got those, you don't need to do it. Hold on real quick. Sorry, hold on. We have libraries, I mean, usur famously is from the library in the Great Halls of Trockis.

Um, and I think if you know the word already, you're not inventing it. So that's how I kind of live my life is like, if I'm like, oh, a chunk, invent trees. I stop and I go, wait a minute, how do I know what trees are? Oh, they're already there. Note to self, invent, inventing. Ooh. These are all good ideas. Could I steal them? Oh well, I mean if you if you're living through time in a different order than we are perhaps Perhaps you did invent libraries already in the future than it came around to be the past Oh fuck I'm being so rude. Thank you for libraries sir. Well, I to be fair I

Wasn't I let me finish writing what I was writing. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. We've invented libraries that are just dictionary libraries. They seem to be short on words in the dictionary. Maybe if you get a bunch of dictionaries, you get more words. And this feathers out of it. Oh my gosh, this is so cute. Always inventing encyclopedias.

Always let people finish writing. I feel like I got people off too soon and then they're like, wait, and then it all makes sense. I'm sorry. Yeah, and you're right. That will eventually have a more succinct name, that the library of full of dictionaries where you get a bunch of dictionaries together

and know that you'll find all the words that way. And you can call it something like Dixha Berry. Dick Shaberry. Well, there's already a bear I know with that name. Oh, you know a bear? Well, his name is Dick Sherberry. Oh, you're not talking about Richard Shaberry? No, Dick Sherberry. He's a very confident bear. A little too confident if his lineage is any representation of his ancestors for a descendant of his Is why I actually have this shape Yeah, yeah, you know you think they're dicks now in your time Oh in the future his ancestors just think they can drive around

Well, they they just drive the wagon. They don't use their wagon turn signal or nothing. Anyway, I was on a road and he became, he just came out of nowhere. Yeah. And he said, get out of my way and I said, not only do I have the right way, but I am prince of the universe. I am the prince of kings, King of the Prince kings. Prince of Kings. King of the Prince Kings.

Prince of Kings King of the Prince Kings. That's catchy. That's catchy. Yes, Dad, I had a little song group, we did a lot of stuff, we did like theater stuff. Oh, that dude is, you know, because you get, I tell you what, when your prince is not a lot to do, so you want to like make it in the most of your time. Okay, anyway, he gets so mad at me. He goes, that's it. I cast you into a shoe. And then he turned me into a shoe and said, you will forever be a shoe

until you get the most perfect woman to kiss you and turn you back into your form. And I go, and I go, what do you mean forever? A lot of time has already happened. In fact, most times already done. And then his co-writer, the guy who was riding shotgun, he goes, well, I'll send you to the beginning of time. So, it will be for all of time.

I should have shut up. Oh, that's what happened. Yeah. Also, the most perfect woman, that seems pretty subjective. I know, boy, I tell you what, I've had a lot to think about. I don't know what angle it is. I don't know if it's like the best mother, you know, or like, who's like a, who's like, you know, just kind of a wild cat in the tree, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Wild cat in the tree. Oh, who is perfect to you, as opposed to who's perfect to the descendant of... ...uh... ...uh... ...Dickshire. What was his name? Dick Berry?

Dickshire Bear. Dickshire Bear. Yes. His descendant. Uh... How do you... Oh, this is... This is an amazing story, your majesty, and I must...

I must proclaim. I am in need of a new quest, and if you want me to find the perfect woman, I am happy to take this quest on Your Majesty. Well, to be honest, I was kind of sneaking around behind you because I heard rumor that you would be here. Well, the stories of your heroism is really inspired me to hope that maybe you would take on this task for just a little old shoe like me. And fear not, for I am out alone, I am choyed by the Scallywag, the wonderful brilliant wit of none other than chun't the perfect warrior to have by your side with this powerful warhammer.

And then this man is recently become the greatest warrior in all of the food. I'm a big tough guy. He's a big tough guy. And I'm a badger with a metal fox helmet. Clank, clank. Oh, how I love to watch the children dress up as you and perform your adventures and battles pretending, fighting over who gets to be who, and then killing, like, they really kill

other kids. That's where it gets a little weird, just, it's like, it's like, yeah, the pretend has been getting out of control in town. I've heard. Right. Yeah, I don't, the kids don't, they go too far. I don't know. I mean, I'm getting out of control in town, I've heard. Right, yeah, I don't. The kids don't, they've go too far. I don't know, I mean, I'm yet knowled, but. Prince Elizabeth, I just realized

you may be able to give us important information from the future. Do people still sing the songs of Arnie and Chunton, you said, or in the far off future that you come from? Not only do they still sing them, they're pumped through mechanisms three times a day. And everybody stops all of their troubles. It stops all pain and suffering

and awkward conversations. And you know, you can leave work for a couple of minutes and everyone just gets to bask in the harmony of your melody. Wow. That's incredible. I mean, that's the dream. I knew we would be the greatest heroes of all time. Prince Elizabeth, I square this unto you.

You should all shall not rest till he has found a way to find the perfect woman for you, so that you may take human form. Why, assume you're human. Were you human? Oh, yes I was a human I was so I was a frog at one point. Oh, okay They've been transformed before yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah The first time it was like a good one. It was like an upgrade because I was a started as a frog

Star is a frog trick trick this Trick this moron It was like into, I trick this magician into kissing me, and turning me into a prince. I mean, that is a whole other thing. That would take another year. I don't know what part of that I like last, but yeah, yeah. Well, when you think about it,

if a frog tricks a magician, like the frog is definitely, you know, the frog has all the power. Yeah, the magician has all the power in that. That's true. And magicians are weird power. Yeah, the magician has all the power on that. Yes, yes, yes. The magicians are weird. I mean, it doubted you. No, not wizard's magicians.

Oh yeah, right. Yeah, this was a magicians straight out magician. I mean, no spells, all tricks. Oh good, good, good, good, good, good. Except for the ability to turn you into a human. I still think it's a trick. I don't know, I still think I'm waiting to see how he did it. So you're like, you're walking around.

He's a human. For I'm guessing years, if not eons in your life. If not, yeah. Is there like a mirror over here? Is that's what's making me think this? Yeah, I don't, yeah, is he like, pop every time I look in a mirror to see like, play some, you know, to see pop up a little Drawing that looks like what I think I'm seeing

And I is my frog body like hidden behind his hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know It's I'm gonna find out me like oh Sassifying probably yeah, you feel stupid the minute you see it. You're like of course Yeah, then you cannot see it then you can't see it. Yeah, how did I ever The minute you see it, you're like, of course, yeah. Then you cannot see it. Then you cannot see it. How did I ever decide, I don't know, I don't know. But it's like, good shows. Well, let's take a look at this shoe from every possible angle

to see if there's a frog that's a prince behind it. Right during this break. Right during this break? Shut up, you need this. But they'll miss it. You need that bit. Give me that dictionary. Yeah, I've looked at this shoe from every angle. I don't see a frog hidden underneath it or a human that's a frog or something like that.

So I think the turning into a shoe part was definitely real magic. Maybe he was a magician who was also a wizard. Maybe the wizard who got turned into a magician. Oh, the terror! I thought I had a bad life. That did happen one long ago. To Orcelius, the serulian, he was a wizard, born just as I am. A pure magical force brought into this world to serve the forces of good. But then, he wasted all his magic.

He cast the biggest spell anyone's ever seen. How big we're talking? It was so big. How big was it? It lit up the entire sky. So bright. How bright was it? They even your mama couldn't sit around it.

Whoa! How your mama was it? It was so bright and everyone in food looked up and they saw the magic and they felt it in their hearts. But he had spent every bit of magic in himself and then he just had to pull handkerchiefs out of hats and shit. Oh, that sucks. That sucks. Yes, that sucks. Yes, it's a shock.

It's a shock. Also, you do a feat that great, it must be terrible to know that almost no one's going to say your name. Like, Berselius the Cerulean. That's just, this is not going to happen. Be mindful. That's a mouthful. It's not.

It's not. It's not. It's not. Elizabeth, she lets maybe try and help you with finding the perfect woman. Let's look around the bar here It's the weird sexy scary chun. Yeah, that one I would prefer I get a chance with her What really? It's just something about her. I mean, I don't want to yuck your yum. I'm just saying, it's, don't yuck my yum. I'm disgusting.

I, my assumption is that you ripped your face off, and that face grew into this weird other chunt. That's a wild assumption. All right, that's a big leap. Okay. And your next door former frog. I mean, yes, he's been ripping his face off a lot lately and those faces clearly were becoming sentient

but you assume that they all now are these fucked up chunts? Not all of them. I'm just saying that's probably where the fucked up chunts came from. Well, the chunk of chunts. Speaking of Boruleus, the Cerulean, fucked up chunts is a lot to say. Can we just abbreviate it F for fucked, U for up, C for chunts, just call them little fucks.

Yeah, it's just a big fucks. These little fucks running around here. Can we also call Barrelius a serriliine, let's shorten it to like Sarah Barrelus? Sarah Barrelus, yeah. That's fine. Yeah, I have a crystal ball here. Here's a hilarious image of Awny falling out

of his broken chair. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, I've never laughed in all the ages. Never? Not even what? Not even what? You're a dirt engine? Not like this!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This one was a little more! It's just a tiny more! But I will change the image on the crystal ball. If you look closely, I shall show you an image of Tatanya, the most beautiful queen of all of food. Everyone falls in love with her. Now Elizabeth, what do you think? Oh, she's pretty, yeah, by and if I kiss her, I turn back into a real live human man again. Is it, but what's the, what's with the,

she kind of, kind of a weird ear. What's the ear, what's with the ear? Oh, I guess, I think I'll notice that. Belarus have like a weird ear. That's kind of their thing, I guess. And she used to wrestle in school, was she like a wrestler? No, she was a dancer and a singer and a poet and one of the most voraciously sexual women and all of food had many lovers

Beyond her husband. Oh, okay. I get it. I get better. Been around the block Been in a minute. A lot of people been in that dungeon. Okay. I'd tell you what you know, I'm looking for I'll tell you what I'm looking for maybe a Rapunzel who hasn't, hasn't let down our hair to everybody in town, you know what I'm saying? Okay, okay. Are you also just, I have to ask since you brought it up, are you looking for a wrestler?

I mean, I'm open, I mean, I'm open, I don't like the cauliflower, either though. I mean, I think that maybe she got sex slammed all over the ground and it messed her ears up. Maybe that's why you gotta put, a you got to cover your ears when you when you get tagged from Some of the lands best So you are a bit of a proof you don't think the women should engage in sexual acts I don't think I don't like sex at all. I don't like anything. Oh, you don't like

I hate to ask, but I will. Is there like, is there, what is like shoe sex? Is that even a thing? Or a dammit on it. I'll tell you, most of the shoe sex I've had, I think most of the pleasure was for the other guy. Jerking off in me. I don't get anything out of it. It's sort of a one lane bridge.

You know, I'm not a man. I'm a man. like guy jerking off in me. I don't get anything out of it. I don't, it's sort of a one lane bridge, you know. I don't, yeah, yeah. Somebody's, one person's coming, the other one, and I just wanna get going. I don't like it. It sort of feels inappropriate

and it's not where that appendage goes. It's for feet, not for a, not for a squirtin'. All right, let's take a step back. Do you want to become a human again? If you have these hangups, maybe you're happier as a shoe. Now I want to be man more than the rings wanna be around the planets. The clouds wanna be around the sun.

Dances wanna be around a DJ. All right, so you do want to be around the sun. Dances want to be around a DJ. All right, so you do want to be out by not masturbating into my shoes at some point? Wow, no. Look, I think perhaps what you should do is open your mind and be a little more generous when you think about those who you may find kiss you and turn you back into a human because there may be the perfect woman who doesn't exist. Maybe it's just loving yourself enough to love someone else.

Your wisdom drips out of you like... Fickle. Se see me into a shoe. Yeah I'm never wearing shoes again. I'm never wearing shoes again You don't wear shoes. I'm not supposed to be this color Oh, that's a lot of oh, that's a lot of Bob juice kind of slathered it All right, see what I'm hiding yeah, yeah, it's pretty gross. I am pretty gross. Oh, you said or I have an idea bring up an image of Kavatapi the flawless Kavatapi the

Name the demigod is Kavatapi the flawless there. Oh is. Oh my, my heel's getting stiff just thinking about it. Well, just look at her. Don't think about it. Oh, right. Oh, right. Oh, and though just a bulking. Not what I was picturing.

I'm gonna go back to what I was picturing just now because that was getting me a going. Well, just describe what you were picturing. Maybe that'll help. Oh, a lady with white hair. Dastedly eyebrows. Oh, Ernie, grab a sketch pad and a pen. Okay.

Yes, yes, do that. Oh, and big old, a pair of big old lips. A pair of big old, big old, just, just going to do the lips. I'm gonna say some time on these lips, I think, drawing them. Oh, take your time. My slow. Draw me a slow.

Okay. Oh yeah. I'm gonna have a paper. And then, could you make a little, give me a sound of like an almond opia of like, honka honka, all right on the lips. Sure, these are a couple of envelopes. These are a couple of envelopes. Is like coming out of theka, all right on the lips. Sure, these are coconut lips.

Is it like coming out of the lips? Just better get at them. Oh my, you've drawn the goddess to Athena. Hold on, she's, she's just hair, eyebrows and big lips. No eyes, no neck, nobody. You're right, the perfect woman doesn't exist. There's nobody to like this. This is a pile of hair with some lips. Yes, it's what I want. It's what I like. I like it. You should probably do

this right? Yeah you sort of could you just bring that drawing to life or something like a curfew. Oh sure. Yeah yeah let me um this is like a this is like a female fry guy. me. Is this like a this is like a female fry guy? Oh, what is that? Something for my world, I guess. I like I like that. Yes. Yeah, aren't there fry guys in the news recently? Oh my, oh my, I did not know heaven itself could burst to the illusion fields and it placed bliss upon this realm. But yet I've been mistaken once again. Um, I'm sorry, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second? Jermine?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right. So what do you need? That's really how she's gonna sound. Oh, well, I knew you didn't give her a, you know, a mouth or a thing, so. I give it lips. Just barely.

Yeah, yeah, but it just hair with lips. So like what the hell is it supposed to sound like? You know what you said, you said be open. You said be open. I said be open. But I'll adjust it. I'll help it talk. I'll help it talk.

Okay. You know, open, okay, but I'll just it. I'll help it talk. I'll help it. Yeah, you know, I'll lightly However my hand over it and you see my fingers are glowing Don't go in the lips. I want to see the live. I know I won't as I speak the incantation our Shashashash She runs a city for her for her Now speak Ha. Now speak.

Whaaat? I can see that's way better. Okay, okay. Whaaat? Whaaat? Whaaat? Sounds like one of the little foxes. Um, so it's very nice to meet you. I am Prince Solizabeth of the future past.

What is your name? Well, it's very lovely to meet you. So, what are you into? Use it hard. Quick! I'm gonna make spaghetti. Put down some candles! Arnie, put on a fake mustache. Wow, okay, I have one in my pocket. Oh, yeah. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

I've never been inside a lion. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. So you just kind of fell into it, huh? It's inches. Oh, hello, hey, welcome. Can I get some drinks for the two of you? I would like the red thing I was having before, and for you, my lady. Sex on the beach, all right, I'll be right back.

Chant, I think it's working. I think they might be falling in love. So you got a sex in the beach, huh? You know it sexes right with pee right pee pee Yeah, it's gross Did he learn about sex from that dictionary what the fuck was that? Oh, no wait, let me see the book Salacious sapphire sex When two people or things piss into each other. Oh, no Why would you like me? I'm just a demo Demo-dsu that touches the ground most of my life

Elizabeth Elizabeth. I'm sorry. I'm gonna take this mustache off. This is a- Oh, oh, oh, great warrior. Oh, great hero. I think we've maybe been going about the wrong way this whole time. Perfect is always gonna be perfect. A perfect match, maybe, right?

Like, no one's perfect, but someone can be perfect for someone else. You're a shoe, you're one shoe, and look, I only have so many things that I brought for my world, but here. Here's one of my shoes. Oh, it's beautiful. Yeah. Ah.

Oh, there, there's tiny little ponds building inside my eyes that are welling up and now pouring down my face? And how big your heart is? Yeah. That you would give me something that would keep your foot off of this disgusting land. Yeah, I don't go around much anyway though. I don't know. I don't know. I would die a thousand, only to be resurrected again and die again in order to thank you. Ah, it seems like Elizabeth likes the shoes, so I'm gonna take this hairlip thing to the pound. Wait, wait, you sir, please.

What? Can you take it to a farm? Yeah, yeah, Sean. I'll take it to a fort. Er, in Arnie and Darlock just wrangled it right It's still kind of it's It's like it's like it's like seizing it's like seizing up How do you choke something that doesn't have a throne? Don't don't know if you can get it I'll be turning up the wall.

Hey, what in the pipes? No, well, that would've got to wait for us. Yeah, they'll just hang out with those little fucks. Already since you were so generous, let me rip off my face here. And let me just, let me tie one of my faces to the bottom of your foot, just to keep everything nice and tidy and dry.

Oh my. Feels weird. Oh my. It feels weird. Oh my it's it has lips. It has lips now that I could I could have kissed me. Oh no. Yeah why don't we put this face on the shoe and out of my foot. I don't want them to kiss my foot. I don't want to kiss my face. I'm kissing the foot. Okay. Get over here. Okay. If this is what sex feels like, I think I want to do it on the beach. Guys, I need to point this out, but I think there's Simon coming out of that shoe now. I don't know if it's his. I'm trying to pee on your face, but I don't think this guy was a prince.

Yeah, I think this is a pervert shoe. Guys! Ha ha! Gotcha! You fools! I'm done it again! Hey! Oh, that's like a thousand times.

Now, I don't want to be a... I don't want to be a human. I just want to be a pervert shoe! Oh, you have crossed the wizard. I don't want to be a human. I just want to be a pervert shoe. Oh, you have crossed the wizard. And now you shall earn my eye. You have made a mistake here today, Elizabeth Shoe. Get him, you sonor.

No longer shall you torment those with your strange tricks in your perverse ways. For I shall transform you Frog Hell yeah, this is what I really wanted Hell yeah, this is what I really wanted It really worked that's what I was originally before I was a dumb idiot human and then I was I got turned to a shoe And this is the long con boys Yep, oh, oh, I am a prince. I'm a prince and land called Pandahuga I am a prince, I'm a prince in a land called Pandahuga. I am the, I am the prince king of the frog dudes.

Listen, I get mad, lily bad if you know what I'm doing. What? Oh, I do it. I do it froggy style. Hmm, I am into it. I can't stop doing it. I have a problem. Catch him, catch him.

You never get me. Ha ha ha ha. All right, yeah. I'll just hop inside this vent here. I have a problem catch him catch him You never get me All right, yeah, I'll just hop inside this vent here. Oh No, it's the limpsing I can't believe I fell for that again that exact scenario. Yes What how many times is this exact thing happen to you? I don't know. Probably like six. What?

There was like 800 different factors in this moment. They led it. They led it to this exact moment. Every once in a while you meet a piece of clothing that says it's a prince from the future and that it used to be a frog. They got trying to do a human and then it wants to be human again. And then you get mad at it when you realize it's tricked you and it's a sexual pervert and then you turn it back into the frog and then it turns out that it

just, you know, goes back to the frog kingdom. It was from except this one got killed by that, uh, that hair thing in the pipe. There's a lot of blood coming out of that pipe. Whatever happened in there, it's going to stink. Oh, he'll be fine! The thing is, listen, we don't get to choose what's canon. And now, this is... Usuror the Blue was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Talking Badger was played by Adder Raffaier.

Elizabeth the Talking Shoe was played by a less desperate to please Martin Short. Wait, no, it was played by special guest Nick Vatterott. Check out Nick's stand-up comedy film, Disingenuous, available on Amazon Prime in the US and on Vimeo around the globe. Want to see a live show? Let me clarify, want to see a live show of this podcast? There's going to be a hello from the Magic Tavern Winter Solstice live show in Chicago at Taliahol on Saturday, December 17th.

Besides its regular guests, none of whom are announced yet. The Chicago Live Show will have an opening act. Masters of Mayhem live, with Baron Ragon, Driftfang, and Squibbert. Find a link for tickets in the show notes. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by thousands of undead spirits trapped in an amethyst scepter. Wait, no, that's the moth, made possible by supporters of the magic tavern Patreon. People like Brian Quinn, mundane Charlie, a descriptor no one is arguing with,

Lydia Chang, Oliver Wingate, Sassy, Amy Prem, Trevor Kindle, Issa Ogden who adds, you guys are awesome! Oh, if you knew what I knew, Issa! Where pup a fun? Cory Welch, Tarion, Corin Flanders, Tom Arnold, Carolyn Gaelic, that's a Star Wars name and I won't be told otherwise. Belle, Lisa Heslup, and Amanda B. Patrons can add free versions of new episodes and the entire back catalog, including all the spin-off series.

They also get at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting our little production, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neckamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah, post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode evaded by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. you