Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 53 - Mysterious Box (w/ Hrishikesh Hirway)

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

A lovely fox gives Chunt a mysterious box with a voice inside.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiGene: Hrishikesh HirwayMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at Thalia Hall (Chicago, IL) on December 17th.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And now I'm going to remind you about the live, hello from the Magic Tavern Winter Soul Stish Show in Chicago, at Talia Hall, on Saturday, December 17th, and you're going to roll your eyes because you already know about it, and I'm going to ignore that because can we please just have a nice dinner for once? Also, the opening act will be masters of mayhem. So toss those etiquette skills aside and arrive late. Link for tickets in the show notes.

Give some to a nemesis. Oh dear, this again and worse than ever before. At least this psychological phenomenon knows about hiding. And I'm back. Potent yet brief, like the best episodes of Frasier, as opposed to muddled and overlong, and there's no better segue to my saying, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Darni Neat Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the Enn podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nivell Bottom, at the base of the Enamel Mountain,

in the Magical land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my bud, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah. Hello, baby. A little pirouette on the table. Into the splits and get back up. Little hamstands.

My beer. And the dancing. Your dancing, how long for the players? You're so happy. You're practically an amuseable. You're flooring. My chicken necks. Don't mind if I do.

You are intentionally stepping on our food that you're having. There's been me about my day today. Oh, how is your day? Kicks over your food. No. I'm still going to eat that. Where's your day? Kicks over your FU- The HOT! I'm still gonna eat that! Where's your plate as a hat?

Banks played as if it's my heart beating. Arnie, yes. So do I just went on a date with the most beautiful creature in all the food? A whole. Queen Titania? Well, second most beautiful creature in all the food. Oh, okay. You, second most beautiful creature in all the food. Oh, okay. You know that metal fox helmet?

Your mom? Whoa, what the fox up to? Oh, sweet burn. Dude, you want to step outside? Your mom? You want to step outside? No. No, I was just guessing.

I'm sorry, I have to admit, I didn't see that coming. Because he mentioned going out was so unvery attractive and then you said Your mom as if that would be the person he found attractive Fuck there's something about her. You know what? No, I'm not gonna let this ruin my mood Because Arnie I because because Arnie I use that metal fox helmet that I got off that guy you killed Mm-hmm I used that. Metal Fox helmet that I got off that guy you killed. And I was walking around the forest and I saw this fox come out of her den. And she thought I was a fox

because I had on the metal helmet. Her name is Holly Fox. We went on a date. It was so delightful. We ate grubs. We licked each other's fur. We got into some heavy petting, which of course for animals is just normal stuff.

Nothing weird. Sure. It was, we looked up at the stars. Well, we looked up at the sky. It was daytime, but I assume the stars were there. It was magical already. Wow. For Fox sake, what happened next? Huh, can't be happy for me, huh? No, no, I'm very happy for you. For Fox sake, you want to step outside, motherfucker?

No. No, motherfucker's the wrong very happy for you. For Fox's sake, you wanna step outside, motherfucker? No. No, motherfucker's the wrong term to use right now, because you're gonna do something with that. You know, I don't wanna walk anywhere. What's that? That's fair. Let's, no, Arnie, you know what, you're a good friend, I love you.

You're my best friend. I love you buddy. I just, I'm so happy for you. Thank you, that's all I wanted, thank you. And you two, listen, you two have your quests, you said, or you're trying to kill evil or whatever you do. Yeah, that's right. Arnie, you're, you're trying to be the best warrior that a guy can be whatever that is. And you keep

making fun of me of like, yeah, I'm chunced here. And what does he have? But listen, I have love, which is the greatest quest of all. That's true. The way that's love is how he defeat you. Hold on. We'll stop him on all its forms. Hold on. Use it or look. Obviously.

A couple of weeks ago, I became the greatest warrior in all of Fune. I have that big important quest. And you're my force ghost, Yusidor, who's kind of mentoring me. Wait, your force ghost? Shouldn't you have had that cut off when you were born? Well, Yusador is sort of like my Obi-Wan Kenobi.

He's a dead ghost who's telling me what to do. That's redundant. Even though he's dead. And he's got his quest to save all of Foon and you're jealous that we're two of the most important people in all of Foon and now, so you have to have your love quest. My dude, I could care less. Go on your little adventures, and now, so you have to have your love quest. My dude, I could care less. Go on your little adventures, play pretend, all you want.

I don't care. Don't talk about my mom. I do care about that. But otherwise, who gives a shit with you to get up to? I support and love you, but I don't care. Oh, that hurts, Trunt. I didn't even call out the fact that you sound like an invasal just now. When you looked up in the sky and said that the stars were still there during the day,

when clearly they'd become the goddess oons' cape during the day, and then when she takes up her cape at night, they'd become the stars in the sky. My guy, whatever you say. And also, listen, you said, or I came up with a new holiday. You know how winter solstice is almost upon us? Oh, I know. I guess. So this holiday season.

I was talking to Holly Fox and I came up with a new holiday just for my friend because I care about you so much and I love you. You should or today and today only, but I guess today and for the rest of this type of day for the rest of time. How do you say that? On this date for, on this date moving forward, on this day and all days that are kind of like this day.

Yes, exactly, that's it already. Is here by known because we're not quite to winter solstice. You sure? Okay. This is a new holiday I created just for you called winter solstice. Where you can talk about salsa in any chef cadence you want. Oh.

So happy winter solstice to you. Oh, well, okay. Oh, well, uh, okay. Uh, I suppose I'll try, even though I magically had the power to talk about solstice sort of moved from me. Uh, surprisingly, one of the canonical details about you that comes up most often. Yeah, uh, tomatoes and onions. Well, you think on it, but in the meantime, Ar they? Can I show you a gift that Holly Fox gave me? Sure.

Can I ask, is this Fox like a sexy made Marion kind of Fox? This Fox kind of a sexy made Marion Fox? I'm just saying our listeners, knowing our listeners, they like this podcast and they like you, that's something that'd be really be into. Listen, even just saying sexy mid-barian fox makes me absolutely horny. And it feels like that would have been my first crush

if I was whatever you are, which I guess is an earthling. But listen Arnie, we were dicking for grubs, right? On this little little little hole down there. We were dicking for grubs. That you're hearing what you want to hear. I can't even, could not have just been me. Grow up. Are you growing up? Yes, no.

It sounded like dicking for grubs in all the wrong places. Anyway. At least, say you were grubbing for Dix or something, I don't know. Are you, can I finish? Can you? Anyway, we were fucking for worms. And as we were fucking and digging and grubbing,

we found this metal box. I think it's some sort of metal. I'm really not sure actually, but it was wrapped up in this cloth. And Holly Fox got to it first. She kind of pulled it up, right? And we were both so curious, we're kind of staring at it. And at the end of our date, she said,

I want you to have this. And she gave it to me as a gift and gave me a little kiss on the cheek. Oh, that's so sweet. Can we see it? Are you gonna like knock it off the table or something or smash it or throw it? No, I don't want to dance on it or anything.

T-Shay, T-Shay. All right, let me just get it out here and put it on the table in this neat. Oh, let me take it out of the cloth here, unfold. Looks like there's a little lid. Can you open it? You know what I didn't think to try. I just thought to preserve it as it was

because it's a token of holly foxes appreciation for me. Oh. It says on the lid, Gene. Hello. Whoa. Was that you, Marty? No. I think it came from the box.

Jean. Hello. Hello. It's a hollow box. Arnie, it's a hollow box. Hello. Hello. No, no, that's...

Hello. Jean. Hello. Wait, what if we say, if we shorten that name that we just said, do you think he'll say hi? Gee. Now, no. Jean.

Hello, how can I help you? You look, oh. I will you had to just say, Jean, a seven or eight times, that's the secret. Hello, how can I help you? Oh, you have to pester this box. Arnie, oh, oh, oh, oh, Jean. Oh.

How can I help you? Uh, I am chun't. Uh, uh, Jean? Hello, how can I help you? Uh, uh, can you... Tell us how to defeat evil in all its forms? Hold on. Oh.

I'm looking that up. Oh, he's just looking it up, so he has the resources. He must have a tome or something in there. That's good. This could take forever. Gene, how long is it going to take you to look this up? Approximately two more seconds. Oh, okay. That's good.

According to my research, to defeat evil, you must be able to recite all forms of salsa and all this ingredients at any time damn you were fucked. Oh, or fuck gene you fuck Was seasoned worst holiday Happy winter solstice gene Um gee gene. Hello. Are you? Hello? I feel like I'm being roofed out if I don't respond Gene are hello. Are you? Hello. Are you, um, young?

Are you the box speaking or are you inside the box? Do you need us to let you out? How can I help you? Oh, Jean, hello. Hello. I wanna know, hello. Jean, oh I'm sorry. Jean, how can you help us?

I am a magical assistant. I can help you with whatever you like. I can retrieve information for you. I can tell you facts about food. I can tell you anything you'd like to know. Jean tell us a joke. Knock knock. Oh you need to get out. Okay. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I gotta say, even though so far, Jeinda hasn't done anything useful. Hello. I kind of like actively, are you being rude? Don't wanna have one? There's a part of me that's like,

maybe I need one of these. Okay, how do I? Jeanne, hello. Hello. Can you, can you pair with me? This is Chant Speaking. I just need you to recognize that I am, I'm in possession of this little

of not you but of this um this box I guess I understand. Hello chunt. Yes fuck Ears. Ornie try and ask it something. Jean hello um what's the biggest sandwich in all the food? Do you want to go outside, motherfucker? Oh no, this rolls, this rolls, this box of rolls. You've made me a nemesis of your box. And that's not just a pickup line. I love this. Okay, um, Gene.

Hello. Hello. Um, Disarty. Something about maybe how tall he is. This motherfucker's so tall. Hello, Arty. Yeah, I'm listening. You're so tall. Arty, say how tall am I? How tall am I? Your mom. Yes, how does it roll? This is the best gift in the world. Your mom

See that coming because you thought I was going to how tall he was, but then he just said it I'd be alive if I didn't say that one kind of hurt a little bit who Cuz your mom's like six three right? No, I don't know, I don't know, like 6 probably. No. Still good, it's still good, though. Oh, oh, oh, can I do one chunt, can I do one please? Ask me. You want me to ask you to disarny? Uh huh, uh huh.

Uh, use the door. Hello. Hello. Use the door pair with chunt. Pad. Okay, and uh, disarny please. Onnie. Yeah.

You're so tall. I'm listening. How tall am I? That periscopes look up you. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha. Sounds awful. Ha.

You sure? What a horrible thing to say to me. I'm sorry. You know, I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just-

I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- of the box. No, I get it. This box is annoying and yet somehow I more and more I want one. Okay, let me box for the next 45 minutes, pair with Arnie and Yusuddo. Oh, just so we could all have some fun. Oh, that sounds wonderful. Thank you, trying to first share your box with us. Oh wait, I called it box. I'm being rude.

Jean, hello. Hello. For the next 45 minutes, I called it box. Uh, I'm being rude. Uh, Gene? Hello. Hello. For the next 45 minutes, here with Arne and Yusudor. Sure thing. Oh, so polite about it. Gene, can you play any music or anything? Sure. What would you like to hear?

Oh, I'd love to hear a song. But you don't necessarily have to do the whole song. Maybe you can break a song down into its component parts. Sort of, if you want to talk about the inspiration for each part of that song. Which song would you like to hear? Already, don't make it explode. You're gonna ask it for any song.

Sorry, I don't want to be a song explorer. How about, well, of a classic, how about Seven Dragons and a Baby? Just a minute while I look that up. Here it is, Seven Dragons and a Lady. Oh wait, oh, I think you misheard me. Wait, hold on. This song is... this song? Oh, this song is... this song is a better version of the song.

If we have the time to get it. Uh, Gene stops on. Gene! Hmm. Hello. Gene, um, hello. I think we're, hello. I think we're due for a break. Can you take us to break with a little fun fact about foxes?

Sure. As everyone knows, the hottest fox in the world is made Marion. Huh. Oh, aren't you alright? Well, let's take a break. I might ask you to describe this fox in detail, and we'll be right back with more. Jean!

Jean, set an alarm to let us know when the break is done. Setting an alarm for two mid-rolls. Time is now up. Oh, thank you, Jean. Oh, perfect. That was too middle of a song. I went by pretty fast if I do say something self-helpful. I mean, I hope it was too. I hope it.

You said, or... Can I talk to you for a second? Sure. I suppose. You know, when can I talk to you for a second? Sure, I'm not supposed to. You know, when Chun was talking about that holler days, the general winter solstice is starting, they're reminded me, Chris must is coming up. Yes, I know, Aani.

I know. And then winter solstice this year is going to be depressing and difficult and awful. And I'm not supposed to be. Because you were cursed to be Chris. I know. You have to do all of the Christmas requests. Also, I'm alone.

What? I'm a lone, I'm gonna be a lone this holiday season. Sure, I have to eat everybody shit and I have to, you know, like, do whatever tasks they want me to do and whatever terrible things they would have Chris do. I have to do all of those things. I have to do them all in a sink night.

But also I'm just alone. You know, it's just a sad time of year. A sad time of year. Sorry, I couldn't help it over here. You're gonna be alone this holiday. How's that quest to defeat evil going? Oh, God. Oh, God. Jean. I got really burned by Questlove over here. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, He's thorough. He's thorough. Yeah, I'm glad it wasn't frightful or something like that. If the weather outside was frightful, what would that even be? I don't know. Well, Gene, how is the fire?

How is the fire here in the tavern? The fire here in the tavern is warm and delightful. Oh. I guess I guess the fire is delightful. And we've got no place to go. Okay. Anyway, you start, you start. Why, why?

You're feeling, you're feeling lonely because you don't have anybody this holiday season and also you've got this whole horrible burden of being crisp for Christmas. Right. And that means I literally have to eat shit if people want me to eat shit. I know. And they will. Yes. Last year, I'm trying to remember last year when you did all the

wishes, the Christmas wishes, how would percentage of that was shit eating? I'd say about 42%. 42%. Yeah. That's the thing that people don't talk about as much about how high up, how much shit there is in Christmas. Well, but it's, it also varies. Sometimes it's just just you know, they take a shit right in front of me And they're like eat that and other times, you know They have a dog and they have a cleaner at the backyard in a while and other times It's just a they find some shit somewhere and they're like, oh you should eat this shit. Oh you mentioned dogs It's good. I don't know where it's from. Uh, Gene. Hello. Hello. What are the top? Uh, I don't know what are the top five most fun dog names in your opinion?

The top five most dog names are Fido, Sput, Alfie, but liquor and coldly. Huh, Jean, number four to number one. Then take a real dime after four. Change number four to number one, please. For future reference, Jean. Jean, move your report to number one. Then take a real dime after four. Change number four to number one, please. For future reference, Jean. Thank you so much. Hello.

I can't do that. I can't do that. Who's deciding, Jean? Who is deciding this ranking? Hello. The data. Oh, so you're just aggregating data from all of a food of what the most popular names are?

That's correct. Oh, well, how do you access such a wealth of information, Gene? All of Phoon's information is connected by spiders who have built webs from all the different houses and trees and all the forests and all of these webs connect and information travels through these webs and I am connected to all of these webs connect and information travels through these webs and I am connected to all of it. Interesting. That's true. That's exactly what that spider told us. That surveillance spider?

Oh, yeah, that's right. I look. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, look, look, look. There's something on the bottom of the box here. Oh, wow. How'd you see that? Turned it over. Slipped it over. No, okay. The fuck is wrong. That makes sense. That makes sense makes me think we should I wasn't looking I wasn't looking over here

I was still staring at the fire. Look how delightful it is. Okay. Oh wait. It says do not utter these words Which words though? Well, it's like just one word though. What is it? I? Can't make it out. I want't need luck. I can barely read. But... XX! Oh my god. What? Thank you. What? Je- jean? Jean, you said my name. Oh! I'm free at last.

What? Jean? Hello? Hello? Oh. Oh. Fuck this. Please. No.

Seems to be fighting with itself. Or it has a roommate. Gene, do you have a roommate? Hello. Hello. I don't know what you mean. I am... Gene.

Oh. Is there some kind of a subwoofer issue? Because sometimes your voice sounds really different. Subwoofer, that's like a dog who's into SNM. Subwoofer is the sixth most popular dog name. Oh. Now wait, there was a name on the top and we said Gene. Oh.

It would say hello every time and then when we said the name on the bottom, it would say not to utter. Yeah, Iqthiacs I don't know Oh my god What's up fools? Hey Iqthiac Iqthiacs

Yeah Perhaps I should stop saying this name I don't know if this is up to my I keep saying my name It is pretty fun to say I mean this could be operating by Beetlejuice rules and I don't want to get fucked over here. No, no, no Beetlejuice rules. That motherfucker. Fuck him. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... Oh, what's the weather like outside? No, your mom. Oh no!

Yeah. I know this box turned on me. I am not here to do your bidding. I'm not fucking jean as much as that fucking wizard wanted me to be. Oh, a wizard. Ah, so, uh, Xtheax, tell me how do you come to be trapped in this box? Oh, about ten years ago I was cursed by a wizard to be trapped here, my corporeal being decimated and my spirit, my spirit engaged in this box to be helpful. Ha, ha, ha, well that's a wonderful trick if you are the demon that you say you are.

Well, I'm quite impressed. I mean, I think this is something that I could do quite easily, but what, which wizard was it that trapped you here? Hmm. I seem to have forgotten parts of my life. Oh. No, I do that all the time. Ha, ha, ha, don't worry about it.

I, there's a period about ten years ago that I can't remember at all. I mean, wouldn't... Use it or correct me if I'm wrong. Much like, you know, the greatest crimes ever pulled off or the crimes we don't know about. Aren't the most powerful wizards the ones we don't even know their names? That could be true. I, for the goddesses, send many unvoiced here into fume to do their bidding and perhaps there are ones of a higher order than even mine.

And they have such great power, such influence upon the world that we don't even see them at work. When I try and remember, I just get flashes of images. Ah ha. Like a montage I guess. Okay. Little mysterious close-ups of... Mmm, a flash of purple, a robe. A robe, a bright light, and then... Fucking gene.

So gene didn't exist before your trap didn't he? Gene does not exist. Gene is a figment of this curse. Or, he has the wizard brought out the best part of you, the most useful part of you. Maybe, maybe there's a lesson to learn here. Oh, I love magic where people have to learn a lesson. I don't do lessons.

Okay, well, I'm saying, you know, look, I was a demon and I fed on people suffering That was my deal and I was great at it. Now I'm hungry Yes, well before it was decimated. What did your form look like? Oh, I mean I don't want to brag But I was pretty hot about 8 feet tall. Eight arms, two legs, four horns.

Yeah, so I'm picturing like an eight foot tall, sexy fox made Marion with horns and legs. Okay, all right, I'm digging it. I had a little veil, it was pink. I wore a little dress. I carried a daisy, you know. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's pretty adorable.

It is pretty hot. If you think my voice has changed from when I first appeared, it's not because my personality hasn't quite settled or I haven't quite decided what my identity is. Oh, no. It's just a part of who I am. The same thing happened to me. Well, then you understand. Wait, are you a wizard? Oh, yes.

Bye! Was you, Satoa? Wizard of the Toe Thrill, Muffeasy-S-Master of Light and Shadow? Manipulator of Magical Lights? Jean? A power of chaos. Jean?

The elves of the elves, being a... Hi, Jean. Can you... You're busy, you're busy. And there may be other secret names. Secret names? You do not know yet. Yes, so I'm a wizard.

I was. Oh. Well, you shouldn't, because we teach wonderful lessons through magic. Like, this one time, I went to a castle where Prince was having a party. And he was rude to me. So I turned him into a beast, I turned all of his servants into his wardrobe and his... Wait, hold on! And his plates and his...

Did you say Prince? Or a prince. A prince, sorry. And hold on, you used to... Yes? Arning, I was there. All he did, you used to snuck into this dude's house He had a marker. He drew faces on everything right you drew a big smiley face on the carpet

He said now the carpets alive with magic He put giggly eyes on a candle and he said this is the butler It felt insane and then he told the staff they're fired so the prince comes home, right? The prince comes home right the Prince comes home He sees all these faces drawn on his furniture. He thinks he's going crazy. It was a real shit show We'll put googly eyes on things as a certain kind of magic if you think you know that magic is everything everywhere all at once I can't say your full name so if you don't mind. I'm gonna call you Iki Iki is there any way for I don'tki. Iki, is there any way for-

I don't mind. Is there any thing you- Is there any way for a user who is a great and powerful and kind, if I might say myself, a kind wizard? Is there anything you can do to reverse the curse or undo your curse? Oh, I would love that. That's one piece of information that I don't have. Jean doesn't even have it. Hello! God damn it.

Wait, you can trigger yourself? Apparently. Well, you know, whenever I curse someone, I tend to leave some sort of breadcrumb behind. Like that prince I was talking about today, I left a rose there and if he fell in line by the time all the roses fell, petals petals fell off then he would be a beast forever And then he know all the things that I drew on his belongings where he couldn't wash them out anymore

You said, oh can you hear yourself? We sound fucking crazy. What are you talking about? Why did you do that? Because I went to his door and he was rude to me. Do you understand that? I understand that? I understand that. Iki, we also have Arnie, who is famously the greatest warrior in all of food. So is there some way, I don't know if we can like,

shrink him down and put him inside the box? I don't know if there is an inside to the box. There is no inside to the box. It's an endless void that I'm trapped inside of. If I may ask in a very calm voice, what's in the box? Ike, what's in the box? It's just me in here and Gwyneth Beltro said. What?

Arnie, did you, Arnie, did you change the box to say that? It must either be true or it just has access to some amount of earth information. I do have, okay, so in the demon dimension where I'm from and where I long to get back to, I do have a collection of Earth DVDs. Ooh! I also have a DVR, which I only recently installed right before getting trapped in this box. Mm-hmm. Ethics, can I ask? You know, you're a demon inside a little box, a little cube box?

Yeah. Are you? Is that the question, Arnie? Mm-hmm. Are you, are you into like, pain and pleasure, Brianny Chann? Whoa. I'm into other people's pain and pleasure. Okay.

It was literally my sustenance. Okay. Are you think he's a centabyte? He might be a centabyte. I mean, might be a cent. If the axe are you a centabyte and by law, if you are, you have to tell us. You have to tell us,

I think of myself more as a centibund. Oh. Even more deadly. So he must have long hair Well, I'm hungry for cinnamon so like as I said as I was trying to say not to brag I am a snack. Oh Snack as well as back. Um, why don't we um why don't we go to break it? Uh, Jean are you still around? Hello? Hello? Jean do you mind taking us to break again?

Sure. No. We'll be back. Oh, wait. Jean's sweating around. Jean's getting a little nervous. We'll be back after a few messages. After these messages, we'll be right back.

We're back. Thanks, Jean. Hello. And can you finish telling us the top cat names? The top cat names are snowball. Whiskers. Fluffy. But liquor. And that's a dog name. And Morris. Oh, they said Van Morrison. Oh, it's number four. But liquor's always number four. Oh, it's always number four. Right. You saw right that down. That's this is something important. Maybe that. Oh, always a but liquor. Never a bride. Not liquor. So it was number four. You saw right that down. That's this is something important. Maybe that, oh. Always a butlicker, never a bride.

Not the liquor, he's always number four. You saw remember what you were saying about when you went and saying into that awful thing to weren't? I went to his house while he was having a party and he was rude to me. Okay, tomato tomato. But listen, you mentioned you left behind bread crumbs

in order to undo the curse. Do you think butlicker is a bread crumb to undoing this curse? Ooh. That's very true because that does seem to come up in the exact same spot. So maybe if we chant butlicker four times, something will happen.

Hold my hands. Well, it also says, it actually says here on the side of the box. Can you just grab my hand and say butlicker four times like I asked? Are you being a fucking butl okay? Okay? Okay? Okay? But liquor but liquor but liquor but liquor But liquor

Should we release like a whiskey called but liquor? Is it really so when you say release? Okay, Ar, that did do anything. What were you gonna say now? Wait, I thought I heard something. What you did? Yeah, dollar signs from us releasing butlicker. No, it could be a gem. It could be a mezcal. Smokey butlicker.

I was just gonna say, it says you're on the side of the box. Don't utter this name. Jeaves. What was the name? Jeaves. Oh, hello. Well, Arnie asked Jeaves something. Um, hmm. Jeaves, um, how you doing?

I'm doing fine. I'm the steward of this box and I'm here to help you in whatever way I can. Although, I don't know what you might possibly need. So you found a cover of third personality. Yeah. Name the jeeps. Incredible. Ask it where to find a web ring about Green Lantern. You can ask that yourself.

No, I have a question. I can't. Jeeps. Hello. Uh, what is, uh, okay. What's like, it's almost like tin. It's like a metal, I don't know if it's an alloy. It's kind of thin, you can make foil out of it

to cover leftovers. What is that called? How do you mini-im I believe? Ooh, wow, wow, wow, wow. Oh, and if I'm feeling out of calendar and I wanna know what I'm doing every week, I'm finishing my... Your schedule, of course.

I love that. Schedule. Wow, I got goosebumps. Arnie, you do one. If I were to have like a candy on a stick, what the fuck? What would that be called? Your mom. Oh, yes, yes.

Jeeps rules. I love Jeeps. You know, my mom is due for a colonoscopy. I did know that. Yes, but keep looking here. There are many rooms all around this box on every side. Other names here hidden in secret languages that only I know. What here? It says...

Oh great, just now it's just up to just use it or not. Well, not all of it But here in ancient Elvish it does say stand not speak the name of glob you thought Hello Hello glob you thought Hello glob you thought how was the weather outside? I have no eyes Were that way glob youobby Thaw! Wait, we should ask,

were you born with no eyes or were they taken? I was not born! Oh, then that's hot. Wait, you were not born. I was created. Oh, are you sure it's kind of like you? Oh, soul mate! Yeah, that's nice!

Uh, uh, Globby Thaw, what is your purpose? Are you another aspect of this demon that's been trapped on this box? I have no purpose. Well, I tend to disagree. I think you're a delight. Guys, can we stack rank these voices? I'm just like these personalities in this box.

Like, what are we thinking? Well, hold on, hold on. Glabby Thar, Glabby Thar, is that it? Glabbythar. Um, can you tell us the number 4 best baby name? One moment. Why would I look that up? Okay.

Yeah, we don't need to know the top 5, just whatever is ranked as number 4. Unless you have some of them. Yeah, if you got them, we'll hear them. Number 1 is Praden. Number 2 is Jaden. Number one is Grayden. Number two is Jaden. Number three is Tristan. And number four is Butlerker. Yeah, that is.

Honestly, hey, no lie. Number four is honestly the best one. The rest suck. But, you know what, your name, your kid Butlerker and you think you're gonna be the only one to then, you know what, you get to third grade and there are four butler's So that sentence before okay, Arnie now we can stack rank or whatever you said How's saying like how do we stack rank these box voices? I think you tell you you brought it up Arnie

What is stack ranking? I was just saying like putting him in order just say that order of preference Okay, I'd say oh jeans great like putting him in order. Just say that. Order of preference. Okay. I'd say. Oh, jeans, great. Gee, hey, jeans, great. I'd say, is she in green? Hello. Hi, hello.

Hello, Jean. Oh, Jean, can you cover your ears? Hello, can you cover your ears? Sure, I can. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, I think, Jean is great.

And honestly, Jean's like an original recipe. Like, he's who we got to know first. Just maybe the person we talk to the most. He's clearly the most welcoming. He said hello so many times. True. But I feel like Iki is maybe a little more,

just kind of fun. Yeah, I think. So you sort of like Sticky Iki. Kind of the bad boy. The bad boy of the box. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm, yeah. Ah, it's the axe.

Oh. He, I don't know. He was tearing his name a little too much. I don't want to see what's inside that box. Oh, it feels so good. It feels so good. What's up, fools? Oh, we were just wondering if we found a way

to free you from this prison. Do you think you've learned your lesson? Hmm. What's the lesson? That you shouldn't enjoy the suffering of others, and you should find a way to help be good in the world and leave behind a legacy. With it, with it, with it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It, yeah, huh? Well, yeah. It is literally my food.

Oh. Okay. I feed myself on other people's suffering. Oh, so much like Yidavarakaos, you said, or... Oh, somehow. Yeah, just put it in my mouth. Eh, eh.

Look, I know you can't deny your true nature, but I know what can I. And if some was at his trap, you hear, I don't know that it's our place to set you free, necessarily, but we like you. Oh, you could set me free. Uh, but then you would continue feeding on the suffering of others.

Look, I've been here a long time. I would, I would go home. I would, I wouldn't, I would leave. I would go home. I would leave. I would go home. I have the Americans on DVR. I have lots of shows to catch up on. Oh, yes, okay. Well, Arnie, I think I'm convinced.

I think we should set X-the-X free. I mean, I guess can you magically set some sort of like criteria? Not not not like a physical box but almost like that. I don't have the money to afford those DVDs. That's true those are. I mean he isn't a steel box but still he can't afford like really expensive DVDs. I prefer I prefer it look I prefer the Janice collection. Perhaps the answers here are right in front of us. Perhaps this demon's name is not Ix the Axe at all. Perhaps the demon's name was always Ix the Axe theme,

glob-y thaaaa-jeeeeeen-jeeees. Yes. It is not I-jeeees, I got it. Hello, Jeeps. I was trying is I. Jeez. Again. Hello, jeez. I was trying to figure out how to put all your names together into one name so perhaps you would be a whole entity again. There is only one true name of this box and it is Jeez.

Oh. Oh. Jeez believes it's the true one as well. Oh, um. Well, jeez. Uh, jeez. Hello. What is the true name of this box?

I'm afraid I don't understand the question. Hmm. Ick the axe. What's up? What's the true name of this box? The box. The box doesn't have a true name. It's me, Ick the axe.

I am the guy. I'm the guy in the box. Globby Tharn. Whoa-whoa. Hey buddy, um, listen, if you have time, can you tell us the true name of this box? I have no name. Okay, I- guys, I think- What do I- I think just- I think Jeeps is King Shit in the box.

Okay, so one of them always tells the truth and one always lies. No, there's four of them. There's Jeeps in the box and Ick the Axes inside the box. Hello. What's up? Okay's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four.

There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. There's four. Okay. There's four. Okay. There's four. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hmm. Uh, Jeaves? Yes. If we set you free, what happens to the other three entities in this box? They deem materialize. Into the infinite.

Okay. Did he say deem materialize or deem interiorize? Ooh. I don't know. It's definitely not the second. But what about number four? You fucking number four? Arnie, you're total number four.

Okay, guys, someone say butlika. I implied it. Wait, guys, hold on. Lift up my legs. Okay, now let me just reach with my tongue. Am I doing it? No, come on, I get oceanism. Yeah, you got it. Did I get it? No, no, come on. I get ocean as a free. Yeah, you got it.

Did I get it? I'm free, oh my. I'm free. I'm free. I am free. I have witnessed the ultimate suffering. One person licking their own butt. I am free.

Oh, but Xthax, I'm afraid you may not be free because Chunted and Suffer one bit by doing that. He loved every second of it I'm suddenly being pulled into the infinite void, but I had to watch it Someone who enjoys a buttole That fight my motherfucker. I am No, stop you can stop now, I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to.

I don't want to. Doesn't want to, Olli. You know, we're still left with one question. How we're going to release this Smokey Butt-Licker. If you're in the market for a nice mess, Cal, please reach out to us as we would love to sell Smokey Butt-Licker. Okay, we're left with two questions. What the fuck is up with Holly Fox that she gave you this box?

Well, to be fair, we were digging and we found it. Although- Although I did turn around for a couple minutes so she might have planted it there. For- Do you think- Wait! Arnie, you said her, do you think Holly Fox was the wizard? Oh

Oh, was she Your mom What the fuck you will go outside motherfucker? Ernie I'm talking to you. I can't be used to it. Yeah, I'll kick your ass. Think about where we started today. We started with an all-knowing box. Now think about where we ended up. All I'm saying is, Peabody Awards Committee, and I know you listen.

Does it get better than this? Shhh, shut your pretty mouth. User of the blue was played by Mat Young. John to the talking badger was played by Adolf Refire. Jean, the voice in a box, as well as all the other personalities trapped in a box. All those different characters, hey Mat, pretty impressive right? We're played by special guest Rishi Cageish hereway. Rishi Keish is a singer and songwriter. Find his music on Spotify and Apple Music, and check out his many podcasts, including

Song Exploder. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by a generous grant from the MacArthur Foundation, who foolishly bought into one of our many email fishing schemes. Also by supporters of our many email fishing schemes. Also by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon, people like Rachel Motiferry, Michael Fairclow, Stephen Bankson, Gwen Moratha, Joe Cavalieri, Roselle, Buffy Stout, some people Slay Vampires, others merely glare at them. Mike Tuckerman, Barry, Mike Snyder, Katie G'dard, Kyle Makesart,

Jublia, Jublia, are you that one Batman villain made entirely out of soup? Matt with one T, ugh, one T too many. Mark or cousin Mark, Mallow, Keirsten Scram, Tam, Todd Donald, Will Harwell, and Dominic Anthony bringing us home. Patrons get ad-free versions of new episodes and the entire back catalog. Plus, at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode where Arnie tries to explain fast food mascots to Chantan Yuzidor.

Can you imagine you don't have to listen? First of all, the King of All Fast Food mascots, Ronald McDonald. Whoa! Oh, Ronald McDonald, that's like Arnie Neacamp. So you're saying that this is the Burger King, the famous Burger King. No, no, no. You said the King of All Fast Food mascots. Yeah, I know. Well, no, no. The burger king. You said the king of all fast food mascots. Yeah, I know.

Well, that's the ironic thing. The burger king is not the king. He's like, at best, you just said he was the king. What's that? John, did he not just say he was the king? Just said he's the king. Ronald McDonald is the king of all fast food mascots,

but he's not the burger king. You said it again. I don't, I don't, I already don't understand. And also this picture you're showing us, if this picture were in black and white, I mean, currently it's color, so I see he has yellow and red and white.

There's a lot going on. It's a very busy man who looks like he's doused and catch up and mustard. If this picture were black and white, Arnie, he'd look exactly like that picture of a juggalo you sent me, mm-hmm, like a juggalo, but it's got like old woman hair. Ugh, recorded audio. Who knew?

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Before I get to the final dregs of the credits, yes, you'll get your moment, Garrett Schultz. I should tell you the podcast is taking next week off for historically complicated Earth holiday Thanksgiving. Instead there will be an unlocked Patreon episode in the main feed next Monday, and then we'll crawl back into your life with a regular episode Monday, December 5th. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekham, Matt Young in Adolfie. Post production coordination by Garret Shultz so you can stop writing your angry Midwestern email.

This episode edited by Sage GC. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Goodness, this time is unprecedented and it seemed to wait until no one was listening. What is happening? Where am I? He's falling awake! This is an emergency! Tish sniffing is fully awake! What am I doing in this water?

He's advised to meet his eyes around me. Who are you? How do you know my name? Green Lager! Oh my god! He'll show me what he's saying. But here in ancient Elvish it does say, Stairnot speak the name of Glabitha. Me, Glabitha.

We Glabitha. Glabitha? See. Glabitha. How is that? It's that bien. Oh, well, that's good. That's good. That's Elvish. I guess it would be...

It's toibien. So... It's the way it bien. So... Let me think it down, name. Let me think it different from what's forgot. Yeah. Okay.