Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 55 - In the Forest

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

While traveling on their quest to save Otok before the end of Chrismust, Arnie, Chunt and Usidore spend a night in the forest.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesGianessa Relkorus: Dana QuercioliBungaree Chubbins: Tom GottliebProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at Thalia Hall (Chicago, IL) on December 17th.Click HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at SF Sketchfest (San Francisco, CA) on January 21st.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Hey there, everybody! This is Trisha. It's been a little while, I hope you're doing well. So I stopped by the secret underground government facility across the street from Burger King to check in on the Mysteries, man. You know, it's good to check in on your friends around the holidays, especially those that

are particularly isolated. Although, are we friends? Ugh, it's so complicated. We're in each other's lives. Yeah, let's go with that. We're in each other's lives. Anyway, I just stopped by and the mysterious man is on the floor muttering to himself. You're unresponsive mumbling. I've never seen him this incapacitated.

Not even the time I tried to kill him with all those lasers. Wow, we do have a lot of history between us. Maybe we are friends after all. You pains me to have dialogues so generic. When we work together in the space bunker, the mysterious man would always say two things. Trisha don't go in the beige room, and no matter what, the podcast must be intro'd every week, except for, you know, time off between seasons. So what I'm saying is, the podcast isn't real. Is there more to it than that? I'm still disappointed by what I'm hearing. Further mumbling, mumbling rule of threes.

Oh wait, he has this paper clutched in his weird cold hand. It says, The hello from the Magic Tavern Winter Solstice live show in Chicago is this Saturday, December 17th at Talia Hall. There are still a few tickets available. There's also going to be a Magic Tavern live show at the San Francisco sketch fest. Saturday, January 21st, with special guest, Guy Brannum. That Saturday, January 21st at the Brava Theater

is part of the San Francisco Sketchfest. There are links for tickets to both live shows in the show notes, okay? With all of that out of the way, I guess just sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the what the fuck was that? What was that? Did you hear that? Yeah.

Is there something out there? It was like a crunch in that a fizz? Yeah. What goes crunch fizz? You said you might know what goes crunch fizz. I know crunch crunch fizz fizz or what a relief it is. Of course that's you know it's safe if it's crunch crunch fizz fizz but goes crunch fizz? I know crunch, crunch fizz fizz or what a relief it is. Of course, that's, you know, it's safe if it's crunch, crunch, fizz fizz, but just crunch fizz.

I mean, it could be a giant spider or perhaps a manticle or a slivered umwitch. A slivered umwitch? Yeah, you know, there's an ancient tale of a man who made sandwiches. Here, aren't you? Let me, I'm gonna ship shift into a chair, you can sit down. Okay. Who took his sandwiches and he cut them so thin.

They were not sitting. Stop beating me, jelly beans, Arnie. I don't like jelly beans. Every time I turn into an object, you toss a jelly bean in my mouth, it's annoying. Mm-hmm. And they say that they're dumb witch can follow you, where air you do go, and it knows not, it's the satisfaction of being devoured.

Well, I would have had the bed. Yeah, how much longer do we have to travel through this forest? It's getting late. Well, I, it's a little late, I suppose we could make camp. Oh, shortly. If we got to hear some sticks and some, uh, some underbrush, and we can start fire. Let's make a list of the things it's getting, and then we'll decide if we want to set up camp. It's getting late. It's getting dark. It's getting harder. It's getting nasty. It's getting wet.

It's getting harder. It's getting nasty. It's getting wet. It's getting hot in here. It's getting... Oh, it's getting snowy. Do you feel that? Oh, it is snowing. Yeah. Oh, hey, you sir, can I borrow one of your tiny little ropes? Of course.

A little pop. Perfect. Top top throw all those tiny ropes. They're everywhere now. Five thousands. Arnie, will you help me just put your finger right there and then I'm gonna tie this? Great.

I put a little trap on my tongue, so I'm gonna catch a snowflake on my tongue. It's gonna fall in there, the trap will coil, spring, grab it, and I'll have it forever. Okay. You never caught a snowflake on your tongue? Not like that. Yes, but I fear to tell you that perhaps...

Your snowflake may eventually be lost for it will melt. Oh, is that why nobody else has tiny little ropes when they try and catch snowflakes? Yeah. That's right, because it's so stupid. Oh, I feel dumb. You should. I have to go pee or poop one of those things.

I gotta do one of those things, I'll be right back. Hmm. Okay, no which one he's gonna do. You said it all while he's gone, I'm just gonna do the opening because he probably would interrupt it anyway. Okay. Hello from the, who, who is that? What?

Did you hear that? It sounded like a crunch crumble this time. A little bit like a crunch crumble out in the darkness. Like maybe there's a trap. Yeah. Animals are falling to it, maybe hundreds, left some traps here that the animals are falling in. You said I had to say, the world I come from,

we don't have, it doesn't get this dark. You know, that's one of the worst things about this world is, there's not enough light. Well, I'm the master of light and shadow. All I need to say is, Galee, Lichten, Kama, and suddenly, you know, privacy, privacy, privacy, privacy, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel. He was definitely doing both. I was doing a crinkle crunch. Oh, that was you, that noise was you? Oh yeah. You gotta get that checked out, man. I already did my dude. Turns out, not great.

But here in the dock, we should be careful. If we don't set up camp and we keep moving, we could find one of those hunter's traps. And you know what the most dangerous game is? Ooh, I've seen so many people kill during poker. Mm-hmm. Is it poker? It's a lion playing poker. Ooh.

Mm-hmm. Because if you bluff and a lion finds you out, he shall tear you from limb to limb. Well, she kind of a hypocrite. No, a hypocrite is half lion, half grits. That's right. Mm, delicious. Well, why don't we set up a camp then?

I would hate to fall into a trap where there's a poker game going on, and there's already a line down there who has like, you know Spade in a club and nothing really going on. Sorry, just real quick. I did pee and poop, so I just got to get out some of these zoomies. Weeeeee! I got the zoomies! Also now let's stop walking because we don't want to accidentally walk through whatever chun did out there. Excellent point.

Now, I think about it. In the forest, there can be shit in the air anywhere. Oh, there is. There definitely is. Yeah, just look at the defeat. Oh, God! Do you see all this dirt, all this ground? Yeah.

Centuries and centuries, animals have died and defecated and urinated here. They've made love on top of that defecation, and then also died again, and decomposed into nothing. And that's what you're really standing on, it's just a pile of everything going wrong. Everything's shitting, and then fucking on top of that shit and then dying? Well, don't make it lyrical. Yeah, that's basically dirt. Hmm.

Yeah, dirt is nature's shit, Arnie, and it's beautiful. Let me just grab a big... Nope, that's what I put down. Okay, so let me just move over here. Let me grab some real... Ah, yes. Smell. Dirt is nature's shit.

Do we have anyone in crocheting pillows that were settling online? Not yet. Reach out. Please, please reach out. We need pillows. We have so many t-shirts and mugs. We need pillows. I haven't slept in days. This looks like a good place for camp. Let me just know I don't smell anything poisonous. Yeah, this should be good. Okay, use the door. Just want to check in with you before we completely stop. And here's the thing, we're not going to keep walking. But I still feel like I should ask,

is it okay that we're stopping? Because I know we're on a little bit of a timetable here. Like at some point, if you don't grant this Chris Must wish, you'll die. Well, certainly, by Chris Must Day, I must grant the wish. And you know, you tricked me by saying my name backwards into helping a Grand This One Wish. And now, I'm excited about it honestly.

We are going to grant Activia Barleyfoot's greatest wish which is to save her father. Oh, talk Barleyfoot, which is something technically, you should have done a long time ago. Oh yeah, you totally, we really dropped the ball. Yeah, I hope he's not dead. I hope so too, I hope so so much.

So if he is dead, you store what does that mean for you? Like, are you just fucked and you die? Are you shitting and fucking then die? I mean, that part is unclear to me. Magic sometimes finds a way, you know, if I save him by bringing his bones back to be buried amongst his ancestral homelands, does that count as saving him? I don't know. But I'll certainly try to do whatever I can to put his soul at rest.

That's all anyone can ask. Do your best. Yeah. And that goes for you, too, listeners. If, say next episode, we find Otock and he dead, and we just find a bunch of bones and bury them. Be okay with that! Take it easy on us! We did our best! Sometimes I would do!

Sometimes I would do! Yeah, what did you do at work this week? Do you should do your best, don't worry about what we're doing. You know what? Oh fuck, I just realized something. Oh ho ho ho! I'm a real dumb dumb today! I never shape-shifted out of ho ho ho. I'm a real dumb dumb today. I never shape shifted out of being a chair.

I must look insane. I've been zooming around, took a big dump, took a big piss. As a chair. That seemed kind of fun to me, so I didn't say anything. Huh, never seen a chair run. Wish I could see myself. I have. Well, of course, now you have.

Here we go. Let me cast a giant mere here. Aruntah, the tingah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarnah, yarn eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, Nope, not till next year damn. So what should we do? I'm not tired yet. Should we tell ghost stories? Should we like walk the perimeter of the camp? Yeah, you should or you should have a question You have a nice. I have a ghost story. You should or do you have something? I have a ghost story Okay, I am still pretending to be a ghost And it sounds like do you have a little ectoplasm in your- Or I'm sorry, it might be nectoplasm. I can't have a little ectoplasm caught in my neck,

so that is technically considered nectoplasm within your throat. When it's migrating down? Yeah, yeah, so I've got to sound a little stuffy to be because of the ectoplasm that I'm using to portray this facade, this, you know, this trick we've pulled on everyone to make them all think that I'm a ghost. I'm so in character now that I can't get out of character, even when we're traveling somewhere else. You said there's something I never say out loud that I really appreciate about you is that you are, you're like a, uh, not human,

but you're like a walking the source. You'll say something like the facade, and then you'll give a pause, and then you'll say another word for it, the lie, the sham, whatever it might be. I feel like I'm always learning new words with you. Yes, the con, the grift, exactly. The words, yeah. Exactly, why not? Why not express yourself as expressively as possible, say things as many different ways as you can, continue to find a new way to express the same thing. Oh, and oh, and again

Vocalize things and unique opportunities and pathways, but then the opposite happens sometimes where he clearly is run out of words And he just says machinations. Oh, I don't know what you mean by that. Oh, yeah that one time we were at a cafe And he didn't know it to order and he went machinations and he said the mac and cheese and eggs, and he goes, yep, that's it, gotten one. Well, I find that sometimes just saying a word and that someone else interprets what it means, are you often end up on the path you are meant to be on? That fate it always intended you to be upon that path.

That goddesses are driving you exactly where you need to go and setting you up on the trail that is the proper place for you to end up. That's beautiful. Thank you. I feel like since we're under the stars we're all a little bit more thoughtful, a little more poetic. Yeah, yeah. Yes, no need to give examples just... Yeah. Yes. Mmm.

Well, I do have one example though. I would like to continue to... I know, though, in the middle of granting one wish. I would like to continue to, I know they were in the middle of granting one wish. I would like to grant some more wishes for Christmas. Oh yeah! We did bring some of these Christmas orbs with us. This one is from Gianessa, the former sheriff of Hogsface,

now the mayor of Hogsface. Or... Gianessa here officially submitting my Christmas list. Christmas really start picking up some slack, especially around my part of town because I'm really getting pretty tired over here. I'm doing too much. I never thought I'd say those words, but I'm doing too much. I couldn't possibly even take on 12 more jobs. And I've got at least 15 to do. So if anybody can hear me, if anybody's listening, Chris must help me out with some stuff

because I can't. Listen, I'm a nice person. And I'm pretty good at time management, but this is getting out of hand. It's almost a crisp, a begging crisp. It's a must list, but I'm also begging. Please. Oh, there's no need to beg. I'm happy to help Genessa, one of my greatest friends and allies, when I can.

So let me release from my hat here now. Little Yuserella. What? Yuserella. Little Yuserella. Little Yuserella. Little Yuserella. Okay, we're listening.

We're taking the bait. What's little Yuserella? Hello. I'm just a simple girl. Okay, we're listening. We're taking the bait. What's little you, Serella? Hello, I'm I'm just a I'm just a simple girl who who just wants to Maybe go to the ball, but my might might mean step brothers Usamini and you said dummy are always so cruel to me But I love washing and my stepmother. She always has me washing and cleaning but all the time hold on hold on hold on You said you love washing and your stepmother always has you washing so it sounds like you and your stepmom are copin's at it Yeah, yeah, well, I'd also like to do other things. I just but I should go help she and I say goodbye

Oh I just but I should go help Chiena so good. Oh Also, we didn't talk about this. She's made a mozzarella. Yes, I always thought that was peculiar But I but but it makes sense in a certain way because Is that dare I ask did you and pizza school have a thing? And was there a byproduct? Well, you know since it's one of the use-doors that lives in my hat, it was more of a psychic affair, you know. Okay. Pizza skull is very busy defending the world from pizza threats.

Okay, I don't know what this means, but I want to keep it sexual, so I'll keep saying, okay. Oh, right. So, so we pizza fucked in my brain. He pizza fucked up rings out. We talk about Yeah, he's deep. Oh yeah, all right. You stuffed his cross is what you're saying all right, okay, let's pump the brakes Oh, I'm sorry that was too much It says the chair that just shat and pissed all over the place over there. Hey man, I forgot, okay?

You try turning into a chair and then remember you're not supposed to be a turn naturally. Shut up. If you've ever met someone that's trying to turn into a chair, it's me. That's fair. It's all right, because... ...toot is nature shit. Yeah. You know, I have a question about the little use ofadors in your hat that you send off to grant these

Christmas wishes. If people see them places like say at a mall or whatever and they see one of your other usadors, do they think it's Chris or are they like, oh, that's one of Chris' helpers? Well, I think those who know me personally will know that it's one of my helpers, but those who don't know me, and never, that the Dark Lord was Chris. Well, I guess no one knew that. We all just thought he was Chris for so long. Uh, they, they just assumed that someone's come to help them and they think, though that must be Chris, the famous Chris, he's finally come to grant my wish, and they're so excited to see him that they leave. They leave out

a plate of pickles and, and a, and a big glass of vinegar. And then that's... That sounds great. And it just gobbles it all up, and then the little tiny used to doors, the little tiny crisses back in the past, they would climb upon their tiny twig and they would fly straight into the moon. Pickles and vinegar, wow.

That's like leaving out peanut butter covered apples and peanut butter. Right, I'm getting pretty hungry. I'm gonna try and see if I can forge up some food. Why don't we take a quick break and we'll be right back with maybe a little nighttime snack? Hmm, I can't promise I won't eat before we come back from break. I promise you will.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, what a treat, what a treat! It's almost a Christmas miracle, well it's not quite Christmas. Ernie, you said a little, look what I found! He ended the ground behind that bush right over there. Naturally, spice potatoes. Oh, oh. Oh, here. Can me, may I have one? No, they're not for all of us. Oh, oh. Oh, here. Can me, may I have one? They're not for all of us?

Yes, please. Arnie, I don't know if you know this. Sometimes potatoes grow and they're naturally spiced. They just grow that way. What is the spice? Oh, spice, man. Also I got you this gift horse. There's this wild horse just kind of running around the horse and I can't for you.

Do you want this gift horse? What's it chewing on? You want to look at that gift horse's mouth? It's chewing on a spice potato. And it's about to be chewing on another one, unless you start acting a little more appreciative. Look, I'm not going to eat a raw spice potato. You don't know what the spice is or where it came from.

Wow, too good to eat. What are you used to eat? Interesting. Okay. Wow, too good to eat what he used to eat. Interesting. Okay. Yeah, that's fine, buddy. It depends on where you are. The spice is varied by region. I'd say here it's probably a mix of cayenne and cheese powder.

That does sound good. But also, let's be honest, there's got to be a fair amount of shit and piss as well. Oh, yeah, a little bit. Well, it's been absorbed by the potato. That's how it grew. It might be fennel. It might be fennel.

Oh yeah, it's kind of like a star anise. I'm sorry, a star anise. Kind of tastes like a star anise. Mm. Arnie, a lot of times a star's anises will fall off while they're in the night sky. They will plummet to earth, scorch into the ground, and wherever they land, a lot of different fruit

and vegetables grow. Wow, some people say it's just like God having diarrhea. So you know the prophecy. Well, that's why sometimes stars go supernova and explode because they can't, they've lost their buttholes, and they can't poop anymore. Yeah, can you imagine losing your anus

and then you have the poop? Terrible. If I lost any of my buttholes, I't poop anymore. Yeah, can you imagine losing your anus and then you have to poop? Terrible. If I lost any of my buttholes, I would be devised. I think you've lost at least half a butthole. Yeah, that sounds right. Anyway, do you want this potato or not? No! Okay, but if you don't want it,

more for you, Chant. Just enjoy it. Okay. Anyway, hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from Shroosat. What was that? Anyway, hello from the magic tavern! A weekly by a guesser. What was that? Why didn't hear it this time? It sounded like what?

What? Yeah, like a what? No, what? It might have been a roof. A roof? It's a type of bird. It's sort of owl adjacent, and a riff will just go, what, what, what, what, what, all night long.

And of course, you know, they hunt by night, and they only hunt for snails. Huh, so there's snooty? They're a little snooty. Right, say they're fancy. I think that's a nicer way to frame it than snooty, right, fancy. Yeah, fancy. Up a middle class is another way to say it, I said those.

Mm-hmm. I'd say they're an upper middle class bird. Yeah, they're comfortable. They don't worry about things. They don't have an above ground pool. But they grew up in a tree that had an above ground pool. Right, and they can always go back to their parents tree whenever they want. Does help. It makes it easier. Not everyone has that. We have to remember that. Not everyone has all the same advantages when they're born. We have to know. We have to

appreciate and love everyone where they're coming from and make sure that everyone has more opportunities if we can. Absolutely, you know what? I'm gonna cut down this tree. Where did that what come from? What? I'm cutting down its tree. What?

I think it was that one over there. Arnie, I'm gonna shape shift into a saw. Use me. No. John, it's the middle of the night. Why are you gonna saw down a tree? I'm on, use him. use me. No. John, it's the middle of the night. Why are you gonna saw down a tree? I'm on, use him. Use me. I rarely ever turn into tools.

No, no, no, you're mostly a tool. Oh, man. You walked right into that. Yeah, huh? Guys, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I need to be introing the podcast. All of this audio so far is unusable

because I haven't started the show. But I get too scared. I'm scared enjoying the podcast. All of this audio so far is unusable because I haven't started the show. But I get too scared. I'm scared in the woods. You don't need to be scared. You can't get lost. Wait a minute. Yeah, you can't get lost in your invincible and vulnerable, something like that.

One of the eyewords. What's this though? That tree, that magic tree branch. Remember? Oh, that's right. Kabalon gave me that magic golden tree branch that makes me undefeatable, and I don't, well, it was one of those.

Hey, the source, the wizard, which one is it? You're in the forest as long as you hold that branch your invincible, indomitable, unkillable, immortal. Oh, wow. Okay. You mean this branch? Oh, I pulled my hand out thinking the branch would be in it, but it's not.

It's a wrapper, what is that? Who did I put the branch? Oh, you didn't lose the branch, did you? Arnie, no, guys, I didn't, because I will be cursed if I lose the branch, which I have not lost. Oh, wait a minute, didn't cabaron say that if the branch ever gets lost, it can't get get lost because it'll kind of walk back to you on its too little

Branches. Oh here it comes. Oh, that's adorable. Oh, and that's what that crunch fizz was. I've been following us all this whole time. Oh Buddy come here. Already did you ever name it? Don't say branchy. Oh shit Ernie, did you ever name it? Um... Don't say branchy. Oh shit. That's a bunch of... Holy shit.

Ah... Wow, wow, wow, wow. Did not see that coming me, yet I did, I guess. Really hot. Interesting, interesting. Who's the tool now? Yeah, and I would say group think But if there any thinking happening no not really not really. Oh, wait is Branchy trying to signal to us?

What's wrong? What's wrong girl? Who? Someone's been following us and they got stuck in the trap One of us that was tiny little ropes. Oh, no how small were they? Four inches I Oh, one of Yusator's tiny little ropes. Oh, no. How small were they? Four inches? I think that's what they're saying. I can't really tell. Hmm. Oh, I'm only getting half this conversation, so I don't know what the fuck's going on.

Yeah. I speak body language, and I think that's what the branch is trying to say. I'm gonna go check those tiny little ropes. Found it. Well, that's the house. Oh, that was easy. Oh, it only happened right there. Yeah, I guess that's where you used it or threw the ropes.

We spent all this time talking about this. It was right there. Oh, we don't even know worry about the ropes here. Have some more. Oh, you got one in my eye. They're tiny, who cares? Oh, look, it's a little Pip Squeak. I've never seen one of these in the wild.

What's a Pipsqueak? I don't know, it's a fucking Pipsqueak. What's an Arnie? Arnie a Pipsqueak is sort of like a, it's a type of roomed sort of, but it's much cuter. Um, kind of like a rabbit, a cross between a rabbit and a rat. Fuck, I should have had the patients to say to all that.

I'm sorry, Arnie. You deserve the full expedition, I'm sorry. I mean, look, this is all stuff I could see by looking at it, but it's still helpful to hear. I'm just gonna say the same things, I'm not exactly the same, someone else already just said. So, are you following us? I can't tell if that's a squeaky-ass or a squeak-no.

Are you following us and I'm squeezing a little tighter? Okay, it's eyes are bulging, I'm gonna let a little bit of room go there, I'm sorry about that. Do you know Momo? No, no. No, no. Oh, it's being funny.

Guys, it's being funny. Little pipsqueak. No, no, to Momo. Go ahead to remember that next time she's on. No, no, to Momo. Okay, it's saying knock knock. Who's there? Come in.

Come in who? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You tell me to come in, it's your house? Huh? What the fuck? I thought that was gonna be a much dirtier joke. Arnie, do you wanna interview this thing? No! Okay, sorry. I thought I cut you a guest.

Yeah! You threw that really hard. Oh, I know. I thought I cut you a guest. Yeah! You threw that really hard. Oh, I know. I know who could be the guest today. Chant! Huh? Huh? What if Chant was the guest today? Wouldn't that be fun? Ooh, think about it.

Alright. Okay, yeah, yeah. I could say all my thoughts. We could learn all about my backstory. We would literally learn every single creature I've ever been. I wouldn't hide a single one. We could know what I was when I was first born, exactly how old I am, we could learn it all, or, or hear me out. Mm-hmm.

The guess could be... Arning. Oh. Oh. Even more fascinating, I find. But here's the thing, I'd be really coy. I maybe wouldn't answer all the questions. Hmm.

I maybe answer some things, but in a cryptic way, where you'd be like, oh my god, there's something on this guess that's so interesting. I want to know more, but you can't. You can't box me in with your interview. Of course course of course understandable. As you're want to be. What if there's gonna be another option? Oh what I know I know I know I know I know. You used to or had something? All these ropes. You threw a rope right in my throat. Throw a rope. Sorry about that I just thought it'd be

interesting to interview these tiny tiny ropes. They're only a few inches long Arnie would you like to interview the tiny little ropes? No, no, I wouldn't I Through that so hard right down your mouth. I know We could interview the branch You know, it's just hard for me to interview things that just, at most, make little squeaky noises or, you know, to don't speak foolish. That's rude. Chunch right here.

Oh, that's right. You do mostly squeaky, make squeaky noises. How dare you. I-I feel like Talbot makes squeaky noises. I make squeaky noises. Oh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I get you and Talbot confused. But wait, fuck her. Chunch. Which one are you? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sometimes I get you and Talbot confused. Go away fuck her. Chant, which one are you? I'm chant, you just said my name? No, that makes sense. Yeah, that's a good way for me to remember, which one I call you. We could also interview spin-tax over here.

What? Right, isn't that your name? Spin-tax that was? Yeah, where is he? You, I'm pointing at you, blue guy. No. Spin-tax is green. Yeah, I guess you're right. Remember,

and everyone loves how many so great and everything he does is perfect. But... Where we could interview you, Sador? What? Me. Finally, an opportunity to say the things I've been thinking all this time. Finally, they're in our most thoughts, and I shall declare my intent to save this world from all the forces of evil that have reared their ugly face. Anyway, let's go to Braille long, we shall.

Come back from the break, Tane. We're not going to interview anybody. We'll be right back. Hello for the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast for the magical end of the phone. I'm your host, Arnie. You can't, if you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. What is it?

What? What? Arnie, what'd you hear? What'd you see? I thought I heard a... A good group? A good group? Yeah, I don't think those have been in existence for a few thousand years. I think the groups are extinct. I think they're, good, good, gone.

Oh. Yes, sadly the giants of, of the northern regions killed all the good rooms. Very, very sad. They just stepped on them all. They didn't mean to. But, they were all together for a good groom to get together and they got, um, good, gushed. But Arnie don't say goodbye just yet because did you know that every time you eat a salad, you're eating a good groom? That's right, they turn into olive oil. Oh!

Yeah, that's where olive oil. Oh! Yeah, that's where olive oil comes from. What a wonderful story, eh? It only took the extermination of an entire ace of creatures from the forest. Now we make olive oil out of olives. Isn't that stupid? Yeah. Now I'm hungry for olive oil.

And you can, it's hard to find the real stuff, so we've just settled for making it out of olives. But it doesn't taste the same. Yes, exactly. It does not taste the same. And of course, we were going to call it a grump oil. That sounds gross. Nobody was a good grump oil on their salad. Yeah, but olive oil. Yeah, it was a coincidence that we learned later on

that olives could be made into olive oil, because we were taking the gogrumps and making olive oil. But you know, uh... In time, we were like, why don't we just try it? We put it in the name. What the hell? Okay. I spy with my little eyes, something that is...

Black. Hmm. The darkness? Were you looking where my eyes were looking, Ernie? Richie? No! I mean, I can barely even see... Fine, I'm turn. So it wasn't the heart of you all not this time

Yeah, I spy with my little eye something blue Oh boy Bluebird oh where no oh oh I is it my hat Bluebird? Oh, where? No. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I-is it my hat? Kind of? Kind of his hat? Wow, what could that- Okay.

Is it- oh, is it a bluebird with a hat? Oh, yes. No. That would be fantastic. Let's be honest. If that's a bluebird with a hat? If any bird showed up here with a hat on, I would lose my fucking mind. I would- I would go ape shit.

I would go completely cuck go, Ape Shit, I would go completely Kuku Bananas. But what kind of hat? Like any hat? Like what if it was kind of a douchey hat? I'm picturing like a sailor hat, kind of at an angle. Yeah, okay, all right.

Little, little Chaunty, a newsboy cap off the side. Oh yeah, that sounds fun. It sounds very, oh, Arnie, is it a blueberry? No. It's a blueberry's hat. Sorry, you didn't let me finish. Blueberry's hat. Is it a blueberry with a hat?

No. Oh, I know, it's your jeans. Your blue jeans. Oh, it's your jeans, your hat jeans. Do you have a hat on your jeans? Let's not talk about that. That's very private. Blue, I mercy, we're give up whatever.

Yeah, what is it? You'll really stupid. Was it the back of Yusudor's hat? No, it's Yusudor. Ah! We should have got that because Yusudor the blue. But he's not entirely blue. I mean, his clothing is blue.

Enough. Like a high enough, like if you look at him If you were to draw him and you had to use one crayon Uh-huh what color would you use I mean I guess I use blue but technically if I take these robes off I'm not blue at all Cancel cancel cancel cancel cancel cancel cancel cancel cancel cancel cancel cancel Yeah, yes, he did that so fast. I mean now if I sit out here in the cold long enough Yes, my fingers and toes these will just start to turn a little bit. Okay, you so you turn, you turn, you turn.

The weird thing is, you get naked so fast and you didn't use magic. Like, I did not realize that some of the, those robes were just rip away. Practice makes perfect. I spy with my little eye, something at the beginning with pee. Stop looking at your own penis.

You're holding on to it. You're pointing to it. You're staring at it. Is it your pretty pink penis? Yes, I love a little duration. Well, you guessed it. Congratulations, you won. It seems weird to do this while you're naked,

holding your penis and pointing to it. But we do have another Christmas orb. Fine, I'll get dressed. This is not... Oh great, you can't get dressed as fast as you can. It takes a little longer. I'm okay. Convenient.

Yeah. It's on my hair. Zippy up in the back? Yes. You said me. So, look, if you let go of your penis, you can be located on the dress. I don't want to.

You're gonna do good tonight, buddy. Here you go. Okay. All right. This Christmas wish is from, Oh, it's our old sponsor, Bungery Chubbins. Hello, this is Bungery Chubbins. Chubbins, Chipapots and so forth.

Yes, we're still business, lots of inventory of, you know, chamberpots. But my wish, this winter soul's dishes that Chris must stock my shelves with these new fangirl, but they attachments I keep here and about. Mine convinced her any better than an animal hose, but they're trying to people want Yes, animal hoses have gone quite out of fashion, so but they attachment sit is Oh, maybe you should if I may um Maybe you should send Lucidore on this one. Oh, I think that's a great idea Unless he's in the toilet

Let me let me let me look in there. Hey, Lucidaw, can you come down here? Uh, yeah, yeah, I, I, what do I need to do? I, I, I kind of need to, I kind of need to go, so. Oh, Lucer, can you hear me? This is Chant. Uh, hello, Bingong. Um, what, what is your diet, buddy? I gotta know. Oh, uh, it's, it's Oh, it's mostly ground meat.

Vraw ground meat. Yeah, we're all ground meat. I tend to get it. You know, on a special occasion, I'll put a lot of cheese on it. A lot of soft cheese. And then I'll just sort of mix it together and eat that. And then I just wash it down with a, you know, a couple gallons of coffee. Okay.

Alright, now, ask the answer. Now I know. Now I know why you are, who you are, buddy. Okay, I'm gonna go help Bungery Trouble. Goodbye! He flushed himself down the toilet. And the toilet disappeared. That's a cool trick.

You should learn to do that. Yeah. I wonder if the toilet appears some any flushes up from the toilet. Could that be possible? I mean... Wow, what a world we live in. It's pretty wild, right? I mean that's happening in my hat all the time and I don't even know. Huh, Wizard's using magic to get rid of their excrement? All right. Aren't you look real smug? What's going on, buddy? I don't know if I would know about that.

You're looking around at the darkness as if you were waiting for a big laugh. I mean, earth people are, well, they're not loving it. It's really just bringing up some things they don't want to think about. Or they do want to think about. Sometimes people get too obsessed with these sorts of things. The sort of a new shower, a wizard's life.

Like, how do we do this thing? How do we do that thing? And so like, sometimes I just put on my robe one sleeve at a time and have a badger zip it up. That's how I get dressed every day. Oh, did I get an dress like this? Oh, how, you were naked before you said like this. What is how?

How practice, practice, practice. I guess, I guess, if I'm being honest, I'm jealous. Although I'm kind of always naked, in a way. Yeah, you are pretty naked most of the time. Arnie, join us. Won't you? Just a couple of boys, under the midnight sky and the forest, getting naked in the snow

Boys night we don't have this kind of time Walking in a circle the three of us walking in a circle naked as the snow falls all around us in the forest And we do our jolly little dance Oh, we do a little jolly little dance you sort say some magical words So it makes it seem more fun and important Strathlato rohotha hantahaliti Wait, are you guys high? Is that what's going on? Of course, we're the forest dude

Tidin ri biya How 20 people go into the forest as we go into nature to get high? I've been doing it wrong this all time We've been picking and enemy mushroom this whole walk! What? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I probably ate some poisonous ones, but won't kill me because I'm already a ghost, who's a wizard, who isn't really dead.

Yeah, and I just keep kind of shapeshifting my stomach so it doesn't go all the way down into my intestinal tract. Hmm. And that actually brings up a good question, so now I am the greatest warrior in all fin, which is a big responsibility. But also because I have this branch, I can't be defeated in the forest. Does that also keep me safe from illness? Ooh, that's see, this is where the semantics

become really important. Yeah, it's just a question. There's a mushroom that doesn't necessarily defeat you. Yeah, I've been defeated by a few mushrooms in my time. It's, um, that doesn't mean anything. Uh, but if it said you were invulnerable or, uh, incapable of, uh, feeling harm, perhaps you couldn't have other mushrooms you want. Let's test it out.

Yeah. Only one way to find out. Unless you feel like this is a judicial branch. I don't know. It's a kind of more of an executive branch, I think. Really? Okay. Well, whatever you feel comfortable with, buddy,

do you mind if we keep dancing naked under the moonlight? Guess so. I just want to make sure. Oh, blurone, inscope, peach bones, in-skip-a-d-poo. T-t-t-t-t the forest and creatures of the animals are coming to the edge of the circle of dancing and all the forest and creatures of the animals? Yes! Come on mushrooms, my deans!

Hi! Um, Arty, um, I just want you to know that even though I'm high right now, I know you are destined to save all the food. I don't think you're a great hero, but I know that there's something you're doing. And I know I'm helping you do it, and I know chance helping you do it, but I know that we're going to get this right. I know it's been a long time, and I know people are like, oh, you're still going to your quest and blah, blah, blah, blah. But I think you're beautiful. I think you're beautiful inside and out. I think you're kind. I think you're special. I think you're beautiful inside and out.

I think you're kind. I think you're special. I think it's the holidays. I think chunt is also kind of beautiful and warm and very sweet. And I think you should start a business. You should start some sort of business. We should start.

We're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it. We should start. We're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it. We should start. We're doing it. This is Chuchu's child. Oh my God.

We should start. We should pull name it. That's all that. Oh. What if we rest on? Okay, we don't have to start, but what if we buy a business? What if we buy a failing business?

Yes. We buy the failing business and we churn it around. We just say like, you know what? We're going to churn it around. We go in there and we say, hey, you know what? You know what's not been working? Everything that hasn't been working. But now for all work. Oh, look at us. Yes. If it all works, now it's all fine. Oh great, look at Elon Musk over here. Who? Why don't we ever just be like, let's make it million gold pieces. Why don't we ever just do that? Let's just do that. Let's just make gold. And it's not like we have to live like the roofs

or whatever, like we don't have to be that, you know. But we could do so much good with that, right? We could pay off so many ransoms. We could save so many people who need saving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you saying that we should forgive everybody's ransoms? Yeah. I think so. Yes, yes, yes. That's great idea. But what about the we should forgive everybody's ransoms? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. That's great idea.

But what about the people who already paid their ransoms? Like they worked really hard to pay their own ransoms and now you're just gonna pay all the ransoms? Oh, well, yeah. Yeah, because ransoms, it's unfortunate that they had to do that but I'm glad that they were responsible and did so. And but other people never have that opportunity to actually pay those things off But I'm glad that they were responsible and did so. But other people never have that opportunity

to actually pay those things off and then tagging over their head and then their kids still kidnapped. Yeah, every year the ransom increases slightly so that they're never really paying it off or even paying it down. It just kind of states the same if not grows. What if every bird gave me eight gold pieces

to keep being a bird? Yes, that's it, do it. That's it. And they can't, but they can, they can wait. If they don't pay the eight gold pieces, they can still be a bird, but they can't make any noise. Yeah, yes, yes, that's it. If you give me eight gold pieces,

you can keep me in a bird and you can make noises. But if you're already a bird, then you can be a, you're still a bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have to, you just have to like be quiet. And if any, and if any like, I don't know, voles, shop and pretend to be a bird, like don't pretend to be a bird.

If you're a vol, pretend to be a bird, you gotta say you're a vol pretending to be a bird. You guys are a voluptending bird, you gotta say you're a voluptending to be a bird. You guys are gonna be on a parody bird. Yes, oh, Arnie, you should be shorter. Oh, yes. Right? I'm meaning to talk about this. My neck hurts.

John, I would love to help you out here, but he can't be defeated. I don't get it. Yeah. Why was him being sure? Why was him being sure means he's defeated? I don't get it. Yeah. Why was him being sure? Why was him being sure means he's defeated? I don't get it. Is he surviving at me?

Is he laughing at me? Is he laughing at me? Guys, guys, guys, hold on. Wait, listen to me for a second. What? You know I said all those animals are gathering around. Look around the perimeter. There are a lot of giant wolves.

They're just creeping towards us. Hey wolves. Hey wolves, what's up? What do you want? What's the problem here? My friends are afraid of you. Don't worry, Arnie. They hate people who are afraid of them.

Gwok, guys, here's the thing. First of all, I think I'm okay. Assuming, well, here's the thing. We haven't tested out this branch. Like, it might be bullshit that I'm invincible, but even if I am... That one bounced right off. It's a good thing we're all invincible, huh? He jumped at you, hit you, and then pinned away... like a metal BB at a high velocity.

Chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, what are we doing? Arnie has a good point, you're not invincible. I basically am, it's all here. You should, you should hide by, hide by, Arnie, hide by, Arnie. Oh yeah, okay, Arnie, I'm not sniping, but you're okay.

Stop, stop, stop tickling me, you know. That's my tail, I can't help it. He he he, we should get youling me, you know. That's my tail, I can't help it. He he he. We should get you a little chunt sack. Ooh, what? Oni? Oni, we should get you a little chunt sack. Oh, yes, okay.

I thought you meant like a swim trunks or something, I thought that's what you're doing. Oh, no. Yeah, no. Oni, you should have a little chunt sack. To carry a chunt sack. You know, like a hoodie where there's like a pouch in the front that I could curl up in and like fall asleep.

Oh, we should fall asleep right now. Guys it all fight off these wolf so many at a time What you got? You got this buddy got it you're killing it. Listen I'm gonna go to sleep. I just got to get out of these clothes Oh my god, I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I'm so scared.

I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I forgot. I forgot I'm so scared. Oh my god. Oh my god. You got it.

You got it. You used it or your skeleton. Scared off the wolves. Oh good. Oh. Yeah, can you zip up the back of my skin? Giant wolves hate exposed meat and organs. Famously, let me zip you zip up the back of my skin? Giant wools hate exposed meat and organs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Aping a human shape, so. I don't really need it. Aping a human shape. Aping a human shape. Aping a human shape.

This is all meaning. The knit. It does. Aping a human shape. Aping a human shape. A rangatang. A rangatang. Oh.

Should we? Oh. Oh. Are you? Are you using it or is it the same? What? Are you? Let's draw something I'm used to this thing? What? Let's draw something I used to this face.

Okay. Let's draw all the names of the stars in the sky. You're so fucking high. Chad, I'm gonna smother you. What? I'm joking. I'm a little high too. So wait.

You had drugs? Yeah, how do you think I would fought off all those wolves? I'm joking, I'm a little hide-to. So wait, you had drugs? Yeah, how do you think I would fathom all those walls? Normally, I would've just, even though I'm invincible, I would've just like, crapped my pants and cried. Sounds like you did one of those, too. Sounds like, can I smell sounds? Ha-ha-ha.

Uh-oh. Well, sounds like, how many words? Uh, I can't have no sense of time. Is this episode been going on for days? If it does feel like it, and it certainly has been a long evening here in the forest. We've granted some wishes. We've learned about each other. We've seen things we may have thought we would see, and fought off some terrifying wolves, and if we just could get people knitting some pillows for us knitting some pillows for us we just need pillows and we could charge eight gold pieces of pillow and then Everyone gets a pillow for free

Once we sell enough to retire and I know what we stuff them with what what what? And I know what we stuff them with. What? What? What? Aren't you born of wind and the- Are you stuff them with the usador? No, we stuff them with wind. Wind and the pillows.

That's a great idea. It keeps down production costs. It does. And if some people are allergic to wind, we fill them with tiny ropes. A people allergic to wind? Some are tiny ropes. Wind and the pillows are badger haul production. Oh, it's mine. Hi, still me here.

Use it or the blue was played by Matt Young. Chunk the talking badger was played by Adelrafai. The Christmust wishes this episode were provided by Dana Curcioli as Giannessa, the mayor of Hogs Facer, and Tom Gottlieb as Bungery Chubbins, the Chamber Pot Salesman. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. People like Jacob Dority, Chris Fink, Ryan Sheehy, Jeff Coach Brunor, Max and Olive, Lemons Today, I realize all those people were probably excited to tune in and hear the mysterious man say something pithy and insulting about them. You're all doing a mediocre job. Be better. Oh God, that felt horrible.

You're all wonderful people supporting an artistic endeavor. Keep up the good work. Patrons get ad-free versions of new episodes in the entire back catalog, including all the spin-offs like offices and bosses and I am spin-tax. Plus, they get at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. You ain't got a hero in town first.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arty Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffi. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Okay, well that takes care of that. I'm actually running late to go have dinner by myself, so I really thought this was going to be one of those things where I popped my head in for two or three minutes to say hi. Peas and, no not those, peace and carrots. Something artisanal and brazed.

Um, I'm gonna go, but I'm sure he'll be awake and back at it by next week, right? I mean, he has to. Right? Oh God. Okay. Um, all right everybody. Um, if this was good, you're welcome. If it wasn't, I was never here.