Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 56 - Finding Otok

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

Either we find and save Otok this episode, or Usidore dies for real. Those are the stakes.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiOtok Barleyfoot: Nick BaerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at SF Sketchfest (San Francisco, CA) on January 21st.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. So you're saying the fate of reality depends on me reading credits for a podcast? Exactly, but not as Tim Sniffen, but as the mysterious man. That sounds like a lot. Could I save reality by reading the credits for a different podcast? There are no other podcasts. Other podcasts are just an illusion.

Look, there's no time to explain it right now. The episode has to start. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arne E. Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, through the dimensional riff,

and I use that to upload a podcast, Chronicleing Our Quest, currently, to find Otock Barleyfoot, to grant a Christmast wish for his daughter, Activia Barleyfoot. Now, if you don't know who an O-Talk Barleyfoot is, this is everything you need to know. About five and a half to six years ago,

he left the town of Hogsface to find his daughter. We don't really know what's happened to him since then, and through no fault of our own, we haven't gone off to find him until now. I am joined, as always, on this quest by my co-host, Chump the Talking Badger. Jingle Bing, Jingle Bong, Jingle Bing and Bong. Hey Ernie! Hey buddy, how you doing? Oh that's right, I'm appreciating how much of the winter solstice spirit you're embodying right now. Oh yeah, there's, I don't know, a really different little songs and jingles and ditties and musings and poems and

recitals and prayers and curses and songs and pisses and screams piss away. It holds on to his whizzes. What's a piss song? Well, it's so if you're you know If you're at the year and all and you're kind of gripping a little too far down the neck Sure piss on brag. Hahaha. You know when you hold your neck, wouldn't you be?

Sure. And Arnie, buddy, unless my nose is lying, I think I tracked something. You know that the spell that you saw used to try and locate Otoxcent, or at least the scent of someone named Otox? Yeah. There might be several Otox who knows, or at least the scent of someone named Otock? Yeah. There might be several Otocks, who knows, but we found out we're all on it.

You're saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you're telling me this now? Like, we've been tracking him for two weeks, and just when we think we have him, and I start recording, you're like, oh, also, might not be the right Otock. Yeah, I guess Otock on your Earth world would be comparable. I think, based on what you've told me to a Skyler. Okay, like that's about the popularity.

Are we tracking by age? Because I bet like is Otak a common name for his generation? Or maybe there's just like a lot of younger Otaks? That sounds like a user question. Why don't you bring him in? Okay, I am also joined by my other co-host, Use the Door of the Ghost. I was Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Rail,

Muffezeus Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos! Champion of the Great Halls of Trucks, the Elves Numius Viennjalk, the Dwarves Numius Zonen of Stanges, and I was known in an Ortheist's guessmanius Mastar. Oh, but now I have shuffled off of this mortal coil after completing my true purpose after feeding the Dark Lord.

But Arnie, I just want you to know. I'm not really dead. Because I didn't really kill the Dark Lord. I got in the basement. I told Tormeline, the dragon teen, to watch him very carefully while we're gone, because I don't want him getting up to any nonsense. Yeah, we've been on while. Yeah, and I don't want that little blemishy thing to escape from there and then cause all sorts of havoc and expose our secret and oh, I don't know what we're going to do. We have to find a way for me to come back to life so that people can believe that I'm supposed to be here

Because you're getting tired of pretending to be a ghost. Ooh. Ah Well, I I just think after a while people can be like why hasn't he yet resolved his foolish business and We're churned to the realms of a fesious and decided to be side by side with the goddesses. Why are they just hanging around? and it'd be side by side with the goddesses. Why are they just hanging around? Is there something where maybe a little birdie might Chris must wish for Yusador to be able to return to his corporeal self? Oh, that's interesting.

Without any consequences? Interesting, interesting, interesting. I suppose that could work, yes. But then if you don't pull it off you die. Yeah, yeah, it's a bit of a bit of a conundrum bit of a Serpent's tongue say no more. What do you have to accomplish to kind of undo you pretending to be a ghost? But really I just had to make myself corpoil like this Oh, I'm then stop floating like this

But then but then it's all the questions. It's not really the active duty. It's all the questions I'm gonna get sure sure sure sure sure sure why don't you go? So why didn't you die when you said you died? Why are you so live? We all came to your funeral Thousands and thousands of people came to your funeral and it was so sad and I think I have a solution What if you wear like a fucking crazy scarf? Like I'm not gonna like crazy scarf like absolutely batshit bonkers scarf. Then all the questions will be directed at the scarf and not you. It will be like what's up with that scarf? Did you know you're wearing that scarf? Where did you get that scarf? What's the deal with that scarf? That's a good I love that because I'm just wearing a crazy scarf and I'm just answering questions about the scarf and I'm like oh it's

super long, it's got many colors in it and if somebody does get tired of that line of questioning they might go why are you alive? I'm like I regenerated or something. Just now I've just got the scarf. Can I ask what question would someone ask that you would give the answer? It's a super long scarf. Uh, how long is that? Alright, I think this might work. And then they would say, we didn't ask what it is. We said how long is it? So don't tell us it's a scarf. And then you have them on their heels. And then you can start asking them questions and then you've already won. That's right. Wow. I'm always seven steps ahead. No one can top you. You're so are way up.

We are so are way up. Hey, what? Oh, yes, come on. We're going to kind of sprint it ahead a little bit. It's so fast. Yes, well, I will be here to find Otock today and I'm very excited. That's right. Otock.

Otock. We're getting around that. We gotta stop getting hung up on minutia. I not that you being in caporeals minutia. Thank you. So we tracked Otock to this remote location. Yes, I used a special spell that finds people named Otock, which when he was the year he was born,

was only the 27th most popular voice name. Oh, it's not bad. So there's probably the care of the one. I have no idea. Well, I figure, you know, if this isn't the right one, we'll get it the next time. And if this isn't the right one, I basically live forever, I can find him.

No, but here's the thing, you said, or it's a Christmas wish. If we don't find Otock, before Christmas, more, you will die. That's right. I forgot. Wait, so if this isn't Otock, you're fucked. Okay, right. I forgot. Wait, so this is an otalk. You're fucked.

Okay. Well, he rolled the dice, and now we see what we came up. Nine. What is that? That's pretty good. I think you should roll for damage. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I picked up on the sentigan. It's that building over there. It's definitely someone named otalker based off the spell. It's that building over there. It's definitely someone named Othogger, based off the spell, it's definitely that scent. Smells like there's 20 to 30 smaller creatures in the building with them.

We must be careful. I'm gonna barge in. I'll take out 10 or 15, okay? They might be small, but they could be strong, okay? It could be Orkish gods, or perhaps some sort of other terrible creature Covered with swords and scabbards and scales and sharp biting teeth We could flood the building and we know that Otox tall enough to the where the water would only reach

Maybe his chest or his neck so he'd be safe and I well hold on what if he's creature swim? Oh, China idiot Be safe and I, well, hold on. What if these creatures swim? Oh, shut you idiot. You can't treat your creatures, can swim. You forony. Arnie, get in there. What, me? Yeah, you have the greatest water in food now.

Okay, fine. Yeah, are we still in the forest? All right, I'm gonna just bang this door open. Ugh. Ooh, I hate hearing what this sound like. This sound of little weird. Oh, this door knob is really stuck. Oh!

Whoey! Oh, wait, no, go to the other direction. Okay. Hello! Hey! Anybody in here? Dink, slam legs! Pangorelli, line up.

Let's go boys. Come on now. Hey, you, Gudiires. Put that down. All right. Hey, stop touching that. Stop touching that. Come on now. Hey you, Gudi-era's put that down. Alright, hey, stop touching that. Stop touching that. Come on, let's get serious around here. Alright? Oh, he's in charge of these creatures? This is his army. Oh no, Ochoxman converted to the side of evil. We- we took too long to save him. He's raised an army to kill us.

No. Here, still standing now before you stood all the wizard. No, that none of your evil shall escape these walls, but I am here to smite those who would wreck havoc upon this world. And I chunned, shapeshifted to a shark. In case you try and flood the building, and that was our idea. Air, air, air, air, air, air.

In the living hell, triangle, get away from those guys. Get away. Step away. Trongo? Trongo. I think he said Trongo. He said Trongo. Who are you? Oh yeah, Trongo. Trongo. Trongo. Trongo. Back off, man.

Hey, don't listen to that guy. Trongo. What? Step over there. Trongo is crying now. It's bedtime for Trongo. Shipships back into a badger hall. Hey, Otockets, shunt the shapeshifter. You store the wizard. And me, Arnie, Neacamp, Graysword, and All-Foon. Although back when you knew me, I was just the man for another world.

Uh, hey! Hey Otock buddy! Your buddy! It's us! Hey, hey guys! It buddy! It's us! Hey guys! It's been so long, we're so sorry! Quick! Name your favorite memory of the four of us together! Right, right, right!

Um, uh, uh, geez, uh, remember when we used to skip and, um, play those instruments? Um, drink? Oh, yes, we definitely drink. We definitely drink, yes. um play those instruments Drink We definitely drink yes, yeah, remember at the familiar minute hall. Yeah, remember oh Goddesses beyond the like I designed what are the same yes? This little guy This little guy Of course I remember you You still have a big impact on your life right you used to sell those little

Trinkets right you sold those little beaded trinkets, right? You sold those little beaded trinkets? Here, here, here, I'm gonna sit at this table over here. That's my health, help you, help jog your memory. Huh? Sit on, do the spiel, do the spiel. Oh. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Weakly podcast from the magical lane to food. I'm your host, starting to eat camp. If you've never listened to the pinecast before,

this is everything you need to know. About seven weeks ago. I've had plenty of food. I don't think you're any more of that, please. Please. Arnie? Yeah. The man from another world.

We were like one of our first sponsors, besides maybe Jackbox Games. I give you my tavern. Did I give you, yeah. I'll put you in charge of my ta you? Yeah, you put me in charge of your tavern when you left hog space. I don't know if you've gotten any updates on that. Ooh, this might be. You might want to sit down for some of this. Oh, hey, singles and slap nuts. That's not an instrument. Okay, put that down. Alright, lapnuts. You're super thin by singles and slapnuts?

No, that's when they're names, chun. Oh, kids' names today. Such unusual names. You know, a lot of kids these days have unusual names. We'll get to that later. Arnie, I don't know if Otock can handle what happened to the relayed Minotaur. Um...

It'll be best coming from me. Otock, I must tell you the truth. All of Hogs' face has been destroyed. I know not a few have heard. But I said a secret name. A name I swore I would never say, but I did it for a good purpose. Oh, right.

To fight evil. And oh boy, the guys who were there at the time, they didn't show up for like another 30 episodes. So, yeah, we really, really put the hood on them there. I guess so yeah, mostly, it was mostly what we did was just destroy that whole town, and that's kind of it. You know, I'm sure it was exciting. I'm sure it was great.

I'm sure it was maybe a little bit hilarious. But like, I gotta tell you, I have left hog space in the rear was great, I'm sure it was maybe a little bit hilarious, but I gotta tell you, I've left Hogspace in the rearview mirror, you know, like, I'm a new man now, I gotta do life, so, I, right now, as you can see, I'm working with these kids, and, you know, I'm actually not supposed

to have other people in the, in the schoolhouse here, so unless they're, unless they're helping, okay, the unit, so, Oh, we can help. Yeah, Tongo unless they're helping. Okay. The unit. Um, so we can help. Yeah. Uh, Tongo, uh, let me say your name, Tongo. You know, hey, uh, everybody can come together around here. I just want to introduce you to some of my old, uh, friends and colleagues from back in a previous life, one, if you will.

This is John. Hi, kids. Shape shifter. What's your favorite animal, Tango? Rabbit. Sorry, can you annunciate? Oh, rabbit. I heard a ribbit, which I guess is the sound of frog makes let me just shape ships into a frog No, a rampant. Okay, chun. I'm gonna try to go has major anxiety issues So I can't push it like that. Oh fuck, I am so sorry. Oh, no, this is not what I wanted.

Just wanted to see a rabbit. What is he saying? You want to see a what? Can anyone understand him? A rabbit. A rabbit. A rabbit. I think he wants to see a rabbit?

A rabbit, a rabbit. Okay, here's a rabbit, Robin. A rabbit. A rabbit. A rabbit. Okay, we better take Tongue outside. Robin okay here's a rabbit Robin Okay, we better take time go outside yeah time to go in your circle Fine and then so that's John everybody and and this is fianny Alec also goes east door That's right. I am you said all the blue the mighty wizard here to smite those who would do evil upon this world Here to smite those who would do evil upon this world

fear me and tremble if you do have evil intent and I'm hot Although kids if anybody asks he's dead. Oh, yeah, I'm a ghost No, no, not the scary kind of fun time Yeah, you guys remember you remember when uh mr. T. O. S. came in and he did a couple of those magic tricks for everybody And it was really exciting and he found that coin Behind your ear and stuff. It's sort of similar to what you store. You're doing magic trick yet I will find no simple coin. Nay, I shall transform one of you into a pile of coins Oh, great. So I'm gonna have to notify Slapnutsy's parents that he's now pilot coins. That's great. Okay. That's more paperwork for me. Okay, and then finally, uh, this is Arnie. Hey! He's, uh, he's a guy. Hey, hey kids. I'm sure you've all heard of me in story and song. I am Arnie

New Camp, man from another world and now greatest warrior in all of food after I killed Arnor. The former greatest warrior in all of food. I see, huh, I see a couple of few kids actually wearing shirts with pictures of Arnor the warrior on him. I'm sorry, maybe you didn't hadn't heard. Oh, maybe you didn't hand her. Ooh, Arnie, I don't know if, I don't know if these kids could handle the hearing about Arnor right now.

Yeah, it seems like they could. Been through a lot already, I shaped shifted into a shark and a rabbit, Robin. Yeah. What happened to Arnor? Well, here's the thing, he, do it with puppets, Arnie, do it with puppets. I don't know.

Here's some puppets, I guess. I'm in that crate right there. Okay Okay, so this giraffe let's say is our north the greatest warrior in all of food and This dirty old sock is me, but I'm a cooler. Oh, oh, oh Why did you use the draft puppet instead of the lion puppet? He always wore a lion's head? I don't know man. I just grabbed a puppet. Well, I'm just trying to understand the bare submittalitude of this puppet show is lacking. You said you could use magic to get this across.

Like, I'm just working with what I've got here, okay? Magic, like this, is this your coin? Yeah, that's part of the... I've labnuts. I've never seen that coin. Yeah, I'll slide it. I'll slide seen that coin. He had a slap. We're back in the pile. You don't keep track of what coins are slap Nuts

if we have any hope when turning it back into that kid. Oh, he'll churn back into a kid. Don't worry about it. Anyway, kids, Arnor attacked me and then accidentally fell on his own sword and then released the soup in his butt. You know, that old story. And that, aren't you?

Hey, are you? I don't know how it is on Earth. Um, on food, this is how puppet shows work. You don't say this puppet is this person, this puppet is this person, and then vocalize this story without using the puppets at all. Okay. Hi. Hi, I'm, I'm here.

The puppets can speak. I'll transform both of our heads into puppets so we can be part of it too. Oh yeah! I'll be Yusaroa, you be Chant. Oh yeah, baby! But in puppet form! Are you keep being yourself and honor? Alright?

Hi, I'm Otty Nikap. Hi, I'm a giraffe. Uh, uh, honor, why are you a giraffe? We can't all decide what puppet we are. Sometimes we're just born as a different puppet than we think. I don't like this. Yeah, none of us do, buddy. None of us do.

I'm losing the thread here. Is this a story? Uh, already killed Arnor. Yeah. Yes, it was a great, terrible battle, children, where Arnold's with sword drawn, approached Arnie, and then fell upon his own sword. It was sort of pathetic and weak, and Arnie kind of won on a technicality.

But the good news, kids, if Arnor was your hero, now I'm your hero. So turn those shirts inside out and take a piece of cram or charcoal and draw a brand new name. Yeah, draw my face and draw the words. I don't want to talk about earth stuff. I would prefer you order that from a store, but I'm already sure that you're still available. No.

All right, kids, leave your shirts on. Please, please just leave them on. Oh, yeah. Good point. Good point. This story has not been verified. Good point. Sorry, Otock. We're not uh we don't teach kids much. Yeah. Oh rabbit. Try and go. No. Um Guess what the hell are you doing here? I mean we're here to save you. Activia your daughter she wished to see you again and she she begged that we finally come and save you after all of these years. Did you? Yeah, your daughter. Yeah, your daughter. She's alive? She's alive. Yes.

And thriving. We've run into her like a half a dozen times since you left for your quest. In retrospect, we should have also found you. It was a lot easier than we thought. Yeah, what happened there? What, uh... We're so busy. Well, and we thought we did it at one point because we saw you in an alternate future timeline

and then we kind of thought like, well, he seems fine. Oh, was that... was that happy? Uh, you lost an eye, yeah. Yeah, you're kind of trapped. Enforced to work in a tabernet and wanna work in. It was kind of bleak now, I think about it. Yeah, kind of rust stuff. But can I just say, you haven't lost an eye? I do see you got a maybe nicked on the ear. You have a very distinct with scar. It's a nice

pepper gray hair. You're looking gorgeous. Yeah, I shaved the beard. Yeah, just cool. Oh, only mustache now. Looking good. Yes, I knew something was different. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Yeah, I've actually been through a lot lot guys. You're right, Sean, about the ear and the scar. Oh here, here's some puppets. Those are my puppets. So tell us the story. Oh you want me to tell the story? I hope you were attacked by a giraffe.

Well actually all these puppets I gathered them because they all represent the story of how I wound up here. Huh? Well why don't we take a quick break? Yeah. And then we'd love to hear the story of how you ended up here, especially if it involves a giraffe. And well, that's perfect. It is snack time. Do you guys help handsomestop out?

Oh, I'm just a pencil rod, and this is a snack turn up for us. Tiny ropes for everyone! Otock, what is a pile of coins eat? I never imagined a giraffe could be such a wonderful companion and helping through so many hot ships. And shaved your beard? Shave, yes. Shun, please. Oh.

Well, actually, as I cradled the giraffe in my arms and laid him down all The children in the town came and shaved my beard. Oh Together Wow So that's how you got that deep scar than Nick in your ear right right? You can't eat once you have over 20 children shaving you You're gonna wind up with a few scars 20 kids should have razors. No, no, no. But in this town, every child is a grandster razor at their seventh birthday. Why? For just such an occasion, for stranger in the giraffe

who's dying, it should wander into town after an amazing adventure, or what is left to do other than to shave and debate that stranger and make them feel comfortable in at home. And since they did such a wonderful job, you've planted your roots here. Well, it's true. I mean, my giraffe was injured and needed to be healed. And so, the only veterinarian in town who's going to be able to heal him required that I earn the money to pay for it. So, I've been teaching here and leaving these kids ever since until my giraffes

have been running again. This sounds a lot like the plot to Doc Hollywood, didn't he? Sorry. Never mind. Earth people are maybe loving it. Probably. Now I think that, er, I thought that your draft had passed away, but you're saying the draft is still here at the animal hospital that we walked past when he came into town? That's exactly right. But it's still here at the animal hospital that we walked past when he came in to town. That's exactly right. Oh, he should be, you know, they keep saying just a couple more days and he's going to be fine,

but I've been here at least a few years now. Wow! And you're acting on this drive any time recently? I mean, I'll look through the window, but they don't let me in the actual animal hospital. Oh, why not? Dr. Dabney is very sensitive about his various tinctures and bombs Dabney let me talk to this charlatan and I shall say no more Montabank you Must heal the screaming or set it free. Do you want me to talk to him? I can talk to him

Yeah, I still want you to I mean you got to's-he's very sensitive guys, a little bit dangerous. Oh, but who's more dangerous than I? One of the greatest wizards air to walk across Foon. All do fear and tremble that come in my path, who may-have spited me or wronged me in some way. No this. No if-some friend of mine, such as Otaq Barleyfoot is wrong, then Yusador is also wronged.

And look, a sad nut's just doing fine, he's like blinking again, and the coins are sort of moving, sort of shifting around. Oh, I think the sun's hitting them, Yusador. No, he's roughly boy-shaped, I think he's going to be fine. Those are just a couple of googly eyes from the arts and crafts facts. Well, you've gotta start somewhere. He has his father's eyes. I assume.

Now, Otaq, correct me if I'm wrong. You said the drafts name was Trongo. Now did you misremember or was Trongo one of the first through 10th most popular boys names for any species that year? Trongo, if you guys all recall, Trongo was an incredibly popular name for a while there because of that barred song oh yes trongo and muffin foot that song it was really popular so it was named in their kids and their animals trongo but no muffin foot which was interesting kind of a slight towards muffin foot well in the song muffin foot of real piece of

shit oh that's right that's yeah trongo is a Well in the song, muffin foot's a real piece of shit. Oh, that's right, that's right. Oh yeah. Tragos the hero of that song. And so, coincidentally, my giraffe is named Trongo and F. This is that boy right there. Now, correct me if I'm done. I'm rabbit.

Huh? I'm rabbit. Can someone get this kid away from me, please? No! He's trying to pet you. Oh, that's fine. Buddy, come here. You can pet me Thank you, Mr. Chin. Yeah anytime anything you want buddy. Oh wait a minute. I see

Your shirt has a rabbit on it. You're saying rabbit. That's right. Oh I'm so sorry here. Let me just You sir pull me out of your hat you sir pull me out of your hat up here watch Trongo as I Pull a rabbit from my hat You sir pull me out of your hat you sir pull me out of your hat up here watch Trongo is I Pull a rabbit from my hat Wonderful I love rabbit. Oh rabbits love you Trongo my dad hunts rabbits. Oh, oh No, he's so hungry and there if no more rabbits here in the hills, so if you just can go and let my dad catch you now.

Be careful, Chongo's holding her ways her blade. Oh that's right. Chongo, how about I tell you what? I have to go because I'm a magical rabbit, but I'll tell the other rabbits of the forest and the meadows to visit your home in the next week, because I am concerned about your dad not eating. Thank you! You're welcome. Well played, son. Phew, glad I solved that equation. I usually try to go camping talk down like that. Look at him wave. It's not just coin shaking back and forth. Yeah, hey, Slap That's good. Can you hear me? I don't know. I don't know. Let me find. We're more concerned about you, O'Talk. If you are not here to be rescued, then I cannot complete activity as a wish, for you see, I have become the Chris of Chris Must, and if I do not fulfill the wish, then I'm certainly

shot-harish. Look, I mean, I don't even know if I need rescuing, although maybe I'm happy here. It's taken me so long to forget who I used to be, what I used to do. I spent all my days with these kids. Oh, Todd, we don't want to drag you away from a place that you're happy, even if you stay here, and you used a normal die-for-real, fine lane forever. But what? What?

Tell us about your life here besides teaching. Do you have any friends or hi friends I got friends whoa whoa back up you're real close real fast look I mean the kids are obviously my friends I mean sometimes you know after school we hang out whatever I do some coaching you know I decided to try to talk to some of the parents You're saying you try to talk to some of the parents. Are they not very receptive when you talk to them? Think it awkward. I mean I was in anybody take a fate or two

Snap nuts. Is that good? It's me Mr. Fiddle Butt Nuts. Yes, Mr. Fiddle Butt Nuts. Mr. Fiddle Butt Nuts. Fiddle Butt Nuts? Yes, my name is Fiddle Butt Nuts. Well, Fiddle Butt Nuts, whatever you prefer. I'm here to pick up my child, my one and only baby boy, my heir to my fortune.

Well, we've got some good news about your fortune. It's gotten a little bit bigger. Okay, all right, Slap, you know Mr. Philippine Nuts, Slap Nuts just stepped out for a second. Oh, he's gonna be right back. Just for hang tight. Okay, if you can actually just wait right. Step out.

Ooh, always thinking outside the box and stepping outside the box, I presume. Well, I can't wait to hear what he's investing in or up to some sort of scheme no doubt. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's brilliant. He's gonna, he's gonna, he to hear what he's investing in or up to some sort of scheme no doubt. Yeah, he's brilliant. He's gonna start another club, I think. He's gonna earn me a big pile of coins that boy. Yeah. Can you speed this process up? Can be, yeah. I can, but what fun is that? That's the natural process of magic and doing itself and seeing a pile of coins slowly begin to peramulate and take on human form again as it screeches for the first time as everyone

born again. And then it says whatever little slap nuts used to say, it now once it's taken a hold of its consciousness again, but if you want me to just cast a spell and undo it all and do it. Oh, talk your friends with these kids. What does a slap-butts usually say? What's a catch phrase? It's a catch phrase. Not slap-butts. Don't be weird. Who's slapping who?

That's what he usually says. Oh god, here comes Trongo's dad too. I can see him. Listen. What? Where is my son? His greeting is what where's my son? Where's my son? I've never heard someone interrupts it. Well, I heard I heard you talking about me I walked up and I went what what a power move talking to room and just say what is this Louis? Why are you talking about me like I'm not here mom? Oh, I see you have charts up on the wall Oh talk, and mr. Trongo, can you read the top five answers on the board up there? Sure

Sorry, could you say top five answers on the board top my man is on the board 30% and people said coffee grounds said coffee grounds. Who wrote that? Mr. Trongo suffers from serious anxiety guys, so please don't put it in. Oh no, I stepped in it again. What is wrong with me? Sheldon. I thought people were just weird sometimes.

Drongo, have you seen a rabbit today? He haven't seen a rabbit. I asked him to find a rabbit. Mr. Chancid, he dumped the other rabbits and send the rabbits into the forest. All right, well then we can move on and go all about our business. Yes, Mr. Trongo you have my assurances as someone, hey I'm weird myself. I-I admit to that as well. Sorry about earlier, having you read the-

Anyway, I'll make sure that you have whatever food you need Hopefully for the whole year. What? Family Mr. Trongo Clifte can I call you cleft you can call me cleft still you still having people over later tonight? Maybe We're thinking about it. Oh I'll send you a pigeon or something if there are people coming over. Yeah, let me know if I can bring anything Sure, sorry, you have pigeons. Yeah, eat those Fuck you. I don't like I eat my pigeons They're kids here. Yeah, I don't care. You wouldn't eat my pigeons. I'm I supposed to communicate with people

Arnie, he has anxiety Daniel, bear as you need. I don't care. I can't tell him his dad apart sometimes. Look, I'm sorry that it's time to tell I was apart sometimes, but I think it's pretty clear most of the time I'm doing the best I can. I still know who's talking.

Can you raise your hand if you're talking? No, it's not. They both, they move their mouths in unison. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Clavd, are you ready to go? Oh, you can tell that. Oh, Mr. Barleyfoot, thank you so much for your work today. I'm so excited to think about having you over sometime soon. Very soon. Any, please, yes tonight. I mean, not tonight, but soon, very soon, yes, yes. Come on, boys.

All right. All right. And there they go. I just was so fascinated. I couldn't say a word that entire time. Yeah, your jaw's on the floor. Oh well, that's one of the amazing things I can do as a wizard and I wanted to impress the children.

Now I see a way to fill the wish. They will tell you about right after this break. Oh, okay. I don't know. I think these coins are just gonna stay coins. Fine. Fine. Everyone pick up a coin. Well, that can't be good. Shouldn't we keep it in a pile? A boy-shaped pile? Put it in the center of your palm. Okay.

And everyone think about slapping nuts. What do you look like? What he meant to you? I don't remember what he meant. He didn't mean anything to me. Remember, six, ten. Oh, talk, you have to do it too. Oh, I remember slapping that spot.

Now close your palm. Okay. Close your eyes. And. Close your eyes. And then open your palm. There should be not but dust. Blow the dust away. I can't, I don't know my eyes are close. Open your eyes.

Oh, okay. Now look at the dust in your hand. Blow it away. Oh boy. Oh. I coughed it away. I coughed it away. Okay, okay, okay.

That was close. Okay, okay, okay, that was close. Now, it's not that should be himself in just about 10 minutes. Or at least how you remember him. Could we have at least put like a magic hat on him and a pipe or something? Oh, that's a good idea. Bing, bing, bing, bing. Oh, he looks very cute now.

It's all decorated. I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble. I don't think so. I think eventually his father will come around and spend him right up. His father is still just pacing outside. Yes, he does seem a little high-strung, doesn't he? Ahni, perhaps you should challenge him to a fight as the greatest warrior in food. I don't know. Is his name Arnie? It's a mostly good at fighting people named Arnie.

But if you have him fight you in the forest, you can't lose. That's right, we're close to the forest. Yep, you think you fall for it if I was like, hey, come fight me over there in the forest, not here, but over in the forest. Or you say I challenge you to not get lost, duel. Here's what I would do. Walk right up to him and say, are you the father of slack nuts and he'll say, yay, and you shall draw your sword and you shall look at him with a steely eye, and you shall say, I challenge you to a duel, only one

of us shall survive this day, and then as soon as he accepts, I would turn tail and haul ass to the forest, just like, just, just, just, just, faster than get to the forest. Yeah, oh, you're crying are you? I'm just I don't know why First of all, I'm not sure why I already want this gonna fight mr. Slavness. Oh We're insane Listen to get him off my back, but I hate that guy. I hate mr. Trongo I hate Mrs. Trongo you were just trying to go over to the house though It's cuz I'm lonely. Oh, lonely. Oh, buddy.

My only friends of these kids, like, kill me at any second with the razor blades, like crossing. Oh, dog, it's all fine. This aligns perfectly with what I had surmised before the break. I believe that we can save you by helping you find your true home again. Of course your true home again. Of course your true home has been destroyed, so that's right. But they rebuilt it in the same place.

Ah, it's everything's moved over like 10 feet I think. It's smaller, but it's worse. Yeah, I think the Vermillion Minotaur got reopened as a place called 2 Vermillion, 2 Minotaur, if I remember correctly. It's a themed bar. Yeah. What's the theme? Two?

Two to everything? Oh. You can only take a shit in the bathroom. Wait, it's smaller, but there's two of everything now. Yeah. Yeah. But you get two scotch eggs. That's what it makes.

Pretty good. Once never enough. Look, Otock, home is where your friends are, and clearly you don't have any of those, but we'll do in a pinch. Come with us! Come back, have you ever been to nibble-bottom? Uh, near the Unnamed World Mountain? We've got a fun little tavern there, and I'm gonna be honest. We've done a shit job of running that place. How would you feel about coming and helping us with our tavern? I was born to run a tavern. It's all I ever knew.

Till just a few years ago, and I left it to you, Arnie. Yeah. That was a huge mistake, by the way. Huge fuck up. What were you saying? After you left, the whole place got invaded by Orcs. The whole town was enslaved by the Dark Lord for a couple of years. Then we blew the whole thing up, and then we just been fucking shitin' around since then.

I mean, shitin' orat. I'm not gonna even ask about the unwed mothers Some must survive. They all made it out. Although here's the thing. Daphne the unwed meather. I think she's been dead the whole time Yeah, turns out she was a ghost we think that explains a lot. I don't think she knows. No, no. She's totally I don't wear listen guys The only thing is I can't leave here with that Trongo She's totally out of my hand. Listen guys the only thing is I can't leave here with that trongo My drag Well, I think it's pretty clear who we were thinking what oh no, I heard my name Yeah, I'm gonna steal that I'm gonna into a room and just yell what it is a power move I don't want to be here anymore. Let's meet the

Trongo family. Oh, there's more of them. Wait, Uncle Trongo? Yeah, what do you need? It says in Trongo there. Says here you're gonna mash potatoes and back flips. I love mashed potatoes and back flips. I get to them all day. Alright, let's move down. Meet the next one. That's Grandpa Trongo. Hey Grandpa Trongo. Oh, wrong. How's everyone doing? It says here you want sat in a swamp?

Tell us about that. That's not exactly correct. I want sat on an alligator that walked into a swamp. Oh, just tell us that. The beginning. You don't need to. I sort of traverse this swamp on a back of an alligator. walked into a swamp. Oh, just tell us that. The beginning, you don't need to. I sort of traverse this lump on the back of an alligator. Okay.

Arnie, should we have this family feud with another family? To cause a distraction so Otak can get out of the school? Yeah. Try and go steal hate slap nuts. What was slap nuts' dad's name? Slap button nuts? No. Flap button nuts?

No. Oh, no Nuts? No. Oh, no. Yeah. Hey, motherfucker! Duh by ears are badding. The Trongo family turned your kid into a pile of coins. What? No, child of mine is a pile of coins.

We shall feud. We didn't do that. That was a nice. Let me take out my old family heirloom conch shell and blow into it, thus calling the remaining members of my family. Oh yeah, let's meet all of them, too! Here's my wife, Lennuts! Last name! Here's my cousin, we all know him!

Lennuts? Last name? Wait, was her maiden name last name? Her well, not last name. Wait, was her maiden name last name? Her maiden name was last name. But of course she took my name in the marriage, which you already know. Here's my cousin, Greguts Sullivan, on my mother's side. On my mother's side.

Excellent answer, beautiful answer. Why don't any of them talk like we now? It's a pretty silent family. Well, I'm just calling them in. Would you like me to let them speak for themselves? No, forget who cares. Oh fine, I'll go cast a spell to turn it back into a regular child, I guess. Eeroth, Toroth, Toroth, Toroth, Tava, Tava, Tava, Tava, Tava. Here you go, here's a little slap nut's back.

It's not very good magic, because you don't get to see it and appreciate it the whole time. This is not been the best diversion, Arnie. I know. Why did you resolve that? No, it's not being so polite. Look, you accused me of turning your can into a pilot coin. It was clearly that blue-pea-the-shin over there. And I'm never gonna forgive you as long as I live.

What did he say? Who are you talking to? I'm talking to that guy. It's not that bad. How dare you pointed me! How dare you! I've never had a man pointed me in my life! I've pointed you right now! I've had this- I've had this here, a resistance, I was eight years old in this town, and I should cut out, you point that figure again,

it's coming off. Since you were eight, you got it a year late, what a loser. Well, I had, I got one at seven, but I dropped it down the well, the town well. Yeah, hang up, fun kid, hang around the well. You must be from the wrong side of the well. And... How dare you!

How dare you, ow! I'm gonna cut you a tie razor. Ow! Yeah! You sort of chunk quick. Let's get him out. Oh, good job. Look at my pukets.

Ow. Ow. Okay, here we are. This is Dr. DeHemney's place. Yeah. Should we be concerned about how traumatizing that might have been for all those kids to watch those family just give it to a knife, but...

Yeah, it... Already, we don't have time. We don't have time. You're right. We don't have time. We can't say to everybody. I just... They're the coping puppets, too. Oh, no.

You know, look, I can't worry about this now. I'll regret this later. No, they're coping puppets. It's a talent to give them all razor blades. It'll be fine. Now, let's talk to this vet about the sale. I'll regret this later. Not their coping, Bob. It's a talent to give him more razor blades. It'll be fine. Now, let's talk to this vet about the drift. Okay. Dr. Dabney. Hello. Dr. Dabney. Dr. Dabney.

Dr. Dabney. Dr. Dabney. Yeah. We are clearly calling for you. Dr. Dabney. Yeah. Lady, what's going on? Wow.

Dr. Dabney, it's me. It's Otak. Otak, Barley Foot. Hey, Otak. Yeah. It's only going gonna be a couple of months. I hope you said that years ago. You've been saying that for years, I know. I just think, you know, but I'm just gonna give you enough time

that you could learn an important lesson about life. Maybe fall in love and realize that what you're looking for is a love. I haven't fallen in love. You haven't? No adults will really talk to me. Huh. Otak, I gotta ask, do you know whether or not

Dr. Dan is a wolf man? Yeah. Oh, look, I can hear it a little bit. Yeah, he's a veterinarian, of course, is a wolf man. Otock. How do I understand the medicine of the animals and the humans if I'm not a wolf man? Oh, Otock.

Otock. Yeah, yeah. Do you know if Dr. Dadney has nods? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He absolutely does. All right, yeah, he absolutely does Hey, I'm a man of medicine and you could please use a clinical term not arenos That's what we should call our fans Arnie. That's what we should call our fans. No, we shouldn't find

Dr. Tammy listen, I need trongo. I the trongo the giraffe. Oh, okay I was gonna say why do you need that kid that weird kid? No trongo the giraffe. Oh, okay, I was gonna say, why do you need that kid? That weird kid. No, Trongo the giraffe. The one that you've been treating, I need him back. And if you do not hand over that giraffe forthwith, I shall take umbruns with thee, and then you shall face the wrath of a wizard unleashed.

All right, be cool, baby. All right, well, do we, is there a bill we settle up or something we sign? Ah, I don't know, I'll take a pile of coins about the size of a child. Damn it, I told you. Motherfuck, guys, quick, let's grab the draft and tie it out back. Let's just go, stop talking to the weirdos in the stem. Yeah, listen, Dr. Dan, I'll tell you what, I know you wanted to teach me a lesson and know you want me to find love

But you know what the lesson I learned is that these are my friends. I learned I need to get home All right, but I'll catch you on the flip side. Can I send out a dedication? That's a threat Quick everyone on trongos back. Yeah I'll draft up move very fast. They do when they're wearing roller skates, are after all til' off. Oh boy, it's broken. Oh no.

Hey, it's a little fantasy. You have things to wear. Damn it. Damn it. Their legs aren't broken when their legs are a boat. You serve their after all, Kalathees! Hey, I'm talking. Are we saving you? Is this going to happen? There's a river about 800 yards that way.

Okay, everybody just push. Roll, try to roll. This is going to be great, Oh, Tak. You're really going to like Nippet-Bot. Dr. Daly, can you play one last triangle in Muffin Flitz? Can you send it out to all the triangles and the slap nuts in this town? All right.

This next announcement goes out to all you trongo's out there and also all you piece of shit muffin foots as well. Okay, so now that the episode is over, I have to read these credits. Yep. Now? Okay. Use the door of the blue was played by Matt Young. have to read these credits? Yep. Now? Okay. Usador the Blue was played by Matt Young. No, no, no, not as yourself as the mysterious man.

Here, give me the script. I can actually do a pretty decent mysterious man impression. Okay, okay. Blah, blah, blah. I hate everything. Matt Young. Chunk. The-

Talking Bature was played by Adolf Refyre. O'Talk Barley Foot was played by special guest Nick Bear. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. People like this list of exciting individuals. Race, Buford. David Lee. Peter McClellan, Crimson Myth, I asked the long-lost sibling of magenta documentary of

her debut, Ikeem Sinotz, Ben Fisher, Monica McElroy, because the world needs more McElroy's, Carolyn G, Benj Morris, and Joanne, love your fabrics. Patrons get nothing! Okay fine, we can change that for the holidays. Patrons get ad-free versions of new episodes, and the entire back catalog. Plus they get at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the latest bonus episode, a new behind-the-tavan with funny stories from On the Road. We sit down to eat. I feel like it's soot. I don't want Arnie if you even got a bite

in, but as soon as we sit down, Arnie's phone rings, he has an important call he has to take. So he gets up, lease his polski on the picnic table or the bench, and he gets up to kind of walk around while he talks. I want to say a minute into his conversation, a big old seagull. I think it's quicker than a minute. I think he got up and walked away and it happened almost immediately. So Matt and I are talking maybe two feet from us is Arnie Polsky sitting all alone. Again, I can't, I don't feel like I'm being hyperbolic when I say it was like four pounds.

Big old seagull comes, snatches the whole thing, the tray with the sandwich, the entire thing, snatches the whole thing and flies away. Matt and I are just staring at each other again. We cannot believe what happened and we're terrified. I'm terrified that Ardie's going to think we ate his so I think I'm just like, oh, no, I don't know what to do. But I'm also like, yeah, it's the funniest fucking thing you've ever seen our life. I'm also crying laughing and I can't like get a hold of myself. FUN RIGHT!

I'm told some people want to hear more of that. I've never met these people, but it's a big universe. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arning Neacamp, Matt Young in Adolfi. Post-production coordination by Garrett… Pfft, shouts. Sorry, it's hard to maintain that voice for long. And then the last bit is that the episode was edited by Stefan Drainjer, hello from the Magic Tavarn logo by Auer LeBan,

the Magic Tavarn theme by Andy Poland, and then that's it. That is a lot of credits. The credits have gotten longer, that's true. I really don't do voices. We're gonna have to train all week to get you ready for next week's episode, and there will be an episode next week. But it's the holidays. I have to get back to Chicago. Oh, oh, Mr. Sniffin. I'm so sorry, but there is no Chicago.