Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 58 - Upple

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

A very chipper talking apple is almost eaten by Usidore.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiCorey the Upple: Alex NicholsMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at SF Sketchfest (San Francisco, CA) on January 21st.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Okay, I think I'm ready. Alright, let me just switch this on. Oh, don't forget that the, uh, fate of all reality hangs in the balance. Good to know, here goes. People of Earth, the following podcast is not good. Good, real. It's not real. Also, the Hello from the Magic Cabin live show at the San Francisco Sketchfest,

occurs this Saturday, January 21st. Somehow it's very close to sold out. So if you missed getting tickets, or avoid San Francisco as a general rule, you're in luck because the show will be available to live stream from home. Think of it, you can watch a Magic Tavern live show without being seen in public watching a Magic Tavern live show. There seen in public watching a Magic Tavern live show. There's a future I can believe in. Link with all relevant information in the show notes.

And now, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from a new year from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast with a magical land of food. I'm your host, Dr. Neekcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago, I felt through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town and nibble bottom, at the base of the unnamed rural mountain in the magical land of

food. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chump the Talking Bed. Ch-Chump? Chud! There's just a glass of water. I am also joined by my trumpets where the trumpets play the trumpets now trumpets Whoa, where did you fall from what I jumped off the top of trongo's head into this glass of water just another one of Chun stunts Oh another one of chun stunts. Oh, chun. Deep bow, deep bow. Ha ha, waves to the crowd. Oh, flowers, thank you so much, flowers. So for listeners, just know, you didn't see any of this.

We now have a giant giraffe here in the tavern. Shunk dove off the top into this glass of water. Well, you make it sound boring. Arnie, I dove off the top of a giraffe's head and the giraffe has boat for legs. Oh, that's right, I'm so sorry, listeners. The giraffe has boat for legs. Arnie, what do you think?

What do you think about chun stunts? Um, hmm. My only thing is about chun stunts, you're putting yourself through a lot of danger. Okay. And the listener will not see any of it. Huh. Okay, this is, this is the feedback I was looking for.

So you're saying this stunts I should do should be more of the mind. I guess, ah, look, I'm just saying. It's kind of like what you're doing is like, what if the people in Jackass just did that in their free time and didn't do it for a TV show? Like, why would you do that? Okay, trying to unpack this, the people of Jackass?

I think you're saying that wrong. Look how I'm saying is, imagine this. If we just talked about you doing crazy stunts and then later added sound effects, it would be the same effect. And why would anyone do that? It's like saying the dogs of dumbass. I think it's more of a branding issue. I mean, John's stunts is a pretty good name,

but what about Super Chantos board? Ooh, pretty good, but it feels like that would require some sort of outfit or something. I don't like wearing clothes. Hmm, what about evil Chant Weevil? You turn yourself into a bow weevil, and you become evil, and you do stunts. Ah, a bug. What if I was a weasel? Does that still work? Does that scan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no a badger. You know what? Fuck you! I like chuuuuun stunts. Are you sure? No.

Polly sure? Oh, you've been to the shores of Polly? That's where a lot of people wash up. I'm not supposed to talk about that. Oh, never mind. Arty, how are you doing? I feel like nobody ever asked that. How are you?

Oh, thank you. You know, I've been good since we've gotten back to nibble bottom. And it's a new year. I've been sort of going through my mail. And you know, since I've became food's greatest warrior, I've gotten a lot of mail. Fan mail? Well, you know, a lot of it's hate mail if I'm being perfectly honest. Or, no, that's not fair. It's more kind of threats.

I've been getting a lot of threats. I have one here from Skullmaster, says he's going to come and kill me. I have one here from Skullmaster, says he's gonna come and kill me. I have one here from Crelbar, he says he's gonna come and kill me. And here's the thing, I thought Crelbar was dead. Crelbar. Oh, someday I shall destroy him. How he'd upvex me every time I think he's dead he comes back. Here's one from the... The Glass Maniac says he's gonna come and kill me. I don't even know who that is. Oh fuck! I wish I would've used that name. The Glass Maniac.

I dove into a glass of water. It was right there. The Glass Maniac. Oh wait, Arnie, here's a letter. Oh, look at this. One day, when I grow up, I'm going to kill you from three-year-old Timmy. Oh, aren't you your inspiring kids?

It's adorable. Well, luckily I've cast many spells here to protect us from the dangers outside. There's all sorts of magic send and glamours and protection spells all around the tavern now. So Arnie, you need not worry. Oh wait, Arnie, look, you sort of put up a cast list. It's all the, oh.

Did I make the game? Did I make a spell? We're not on it. You sort of, why are we not on the cast list? No, no, no, no. I think you're just so talented that I need you working backstage. Couldn't you have told us in private,

why didn't you have to like publicly post? Yeah, this sucks. Oh my, how embarrassing. I have to act cool, like I didn't care. Trogar is on the list. Why is trogar on the list? Well, trogar is a natural talent, very beautiful singing voice, and of course, Trongo is a draft for the boat for leg,

so you guys can't do that. Also, you cast this three-year-old named Timmy. Oh, yes. I was very inspired by his letter. Well, he-he-he-it wasn't present how he wrote it out fanatically. Yes, it was impressive. I wonder if there's some secret hidden there within those fanatic spellings. Some ancient magic still only a child's mind can envisage. When I glow up, like he spelled it like that.

But now I'm tired and I'm hungry, so I've been trying to cast spells with all sorts all day, and I've got this whole show to put up, and I just now I just need to, I just need a snack. And you have that scarf. Why don't you get that big scarf? Well, a friend of mine was coming through town, and he said, you said, oh, I no longer need this scarf, shall you wear it in my stead and I said oh Most certainly he was just really invested in someone wearing it

He was just invested in someone wearing it and I don't think it's an Affectation to throw it around whenever I'm directing the show. You're knocking glasses off the table behind you every time you throw that scarf over Anyway, I'm so hungry. I would go to the bar, but luckily we have a little bowl of apples here So I'm just gonna grab one of these guys and bite right into it Timmy yeah, hi, I'm here. Hello. I'm holding me. You almost bit me. Oh, you're just almost bit me It's honestly no big deal. It's honestly, it's no big deal. You said what?

Is your thumb talking? No, idiot, it's the apple. I wasn't going to bite my thumb. Okay, again, it's no big deal, but I'm not an apple. I'm not an apple. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, good sir. I, I, this is like, you said, is this like when you made me that pipe

that kept saying I am not a pipe and it was just being so weird? Yeah, it's a little bit like that. I imagine a friend if thou art not an apple Thou doth bear some resemblance. So are you some manner of creature? We have not yet encountered here young food. I guess so. I mean look I'm definitely the size, shape, color, and flavor of an apple, but I'm not an apple. I'm an apple. Wait, wait, you're the flavor of an apple too. How do you know that? You've tasted people. Well, a lot of my friends and family have been eaten, and they've gotten pretty good reviews overall.

Okay. That's what I hear. I hear that we taste exactly like apples, but we're not apples. I'm an apple. And again, it's no big deal. It's honestly no big deal. I hate to ask this. Meezy. No. Don't say what's up, please. Don't say what's up, will.

Okay, let me think of a different question. All right, this one's far worse. When a family member gets eaten and their reviews come out, but they're positive. Oh, that's a great question, aren't you? How does that feel? Like, are you glad at least it's a good review or does that make it worse?

You know, I try to look at things positively, you know? So like sure, when my brother got eaten, at first I was like, this sucks. It's honestly sucks that my brother got completely eaten. Completely eaten. But then you can't eat anything. Corn, everything? Well, wait, corn and everything.

Corn and everything. You're making assumptions. Do apples have cores? We have hearts. There you go. Okay. And we have a core of muscles. Do you know any banunus?

I know a few banunus, and honestly, they're just so negative. They're so negative. I don't like to surround myself with negative, negative upels or negative banunus. I try to keep it upbeat, you know. I hate to say this and everyone hates it when I say this, but I personally believe that when an apple gets eaten, it's pretty much always because of negative thinking, you know. They're like, oh, I look exactly like an apple. Everyone knows that we taste exactly like apples.

Somebody's going to eat me. And it's like, if you don't think that way it won't happen It sounds a bit like victim blaming to me, but I don't want to I don't want to get into that look You know your life and you know your people. I'm unfamiliar with the upper people But are they familiar with me and is there a name that they they would call you Sador perhaps something like And as they are named, that they would call you Sinoa, perhaps something like... Uh... Having an aneurysm of blue? Oh, oh, oh the apple. Yeah, but you don't have a core You have core muscles in a heart of core muscles. Yeah, and those help me like when I go a paddle boarding

Oh An outdoorsman. Do you do you have seeds? Forward question my goodness Everyone's thinking it and that's it. That's an awning question I'm pretty sure I have seeds. Are they potent? I don't know, because I've never found a partner who's who's quite at my level as far as, you know, pod. I'm not sure if I can get a chance to get a chance they potent? I don't know, because I've never found a partner who's quite at my level as far as, you know, positive thinking, positive energy, keeping it positive, upbeat all the time.

And it's just every time I go out and, you know, trying to date out in the forest, it's just every up-al-I-know is just terrified of all times of getting eaten. And it's such a Really harsh is my mellow so to speak. Yeah, that reminds me of a recurring segment I keep meaning to have on the podcast. What is your sex like? So so you're asking like what kind of how does apple sex work? Sure. Yeah, do you get up insider?

Well, well female upels are about two apples taller than male upels. So we do have to get up inside the female upels. Interesting you measure in apples. It's just a convenient unit of measurement that we use, because there are so many apples everywhere. We're surrounded by apples. We just happen to look exactly like that.

But a great way that you can sort of like a rule of thumb for telling the difference between an apple and an apple is that apples grow on trees, whereas I came out of my mommy's vagina. Oh, does that help? Oh, that does. That does. I suppose if I'm there at the moment you're born,

it helps. Beyond that, it's not as helpful as you might think. Okay, okay. Well, you know, I'm trying that out just because it's really something I'm trying to get out there. Like the difference between apples and apples, and I haven't been able to come up with a lot of differences beyond just the whole mommy's vagina thing. Right, and then your internal organs are somewhat different, but again, not useful unless you're dissected. But yeah, do you suppose that apples and apples have some common ancestor, and that's

why you on the surface appear so similar? Hmm. I mean, it's definitely possible, because I know a lot of apples who have like had sustained romantic relationships with apples. Oh, now we're talking. Awney, that's just like that movie you told us about that you said you were a favorite movie. James in the giant peach? I think so.

Is that the one where you fucked up high? Not me. No, I thought that was you. You said you fucked up high. But not in a movie. What's a movie? That sounds so interesting to me. I don't want to talk about earth stuff. I'm so fast. We're travels through the grapevine, so to speak, about different worlds and dimensions out there.

Yeah. I've heard some rumors about what goes on out in Earth, and it's just so interesting to me. It's something I'm really fascinated by. I once was also fascinated by Earth, but honestly, it doesn't really live up to the hype. Yeah, already they should say, you saw an eye when you tell us anything about Earth. We blab about it all over town, so there's a lot of misconceptions about what Earth is and isn't. Mm-hmm. Corey, what have you heard a movie is? I've heard that there are beings of great stature in Earth

who occasionally must not go to their job of being very important. And sometimes somebody of lesser stature comes in and shows many small humans something called a movie instead of teaching a lesson. Is what I've basically heard is the primary function of movies. Yeah, I could not make sense. It's like the time I tried to explain to you guys,

Donald Duck and Math Magical Land. Yes, and of course, Sarah is that time you tried to explain that your teacher showed you the movie version of Romeo and Juliet and didn't realize that they were naked female breasts. Olli, do you think that's something we should start doing on this podcast announcing when there's nudity to help draw people back in? I guess so.

I don't know, though. We'd be stomping the show constantly. If we pointed out every instance of nudity that's happening like nearby. I'm making it right now. So is Trongo. Checkstones. I've never worn clothes. I've never worn clothes. I've never worn clothes.

You've never worn clothes. You've never, not even for fun. Not even, it does look fun. I've heard that there are many movies. That's how it's pronounced, where people like try on different outfits and there's something called a montage, I think is what they said. And that's what I'm thinking. I know we got to get them some up-al-bottom jeans. Well, let's take a quick break. Let's see if we can't magic up some jeans, Yusidor.

And this has been a dream of mine to wear jeans. Oh, and I guess as we go to break, Arnie, you mentioned Donald Duck. You also mentioned before someone named Daffy Duck. And you said the difference is Daffy Duck can have his beak shut off and he lives, but if Donald loss his beak, he'd die. Mm-hmm, yeah.

It's really incredible how often we talk about Donald Duck. Anyway, magical montage, our author, all, till all, till all, till all, till all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Yusador, I've been meaning to mention this. Oh, oh, oh, introduce me. I haven't even been introduced in the podcast yet.

Oh shit, I'm so sorry. My other co-host, he's dead. Still, Yusador the Blue. Ah, it was Yusador. Wizard of the Twelfth realm of a fizziest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus, the elves Numiya's fear in Yelok, the dwarves Numiya's zone and who sangies, and I was known in the north east as Gaspiniya's Mastar, but now that I have completed my true purpose,

I exist here in this poltergeist form where I shall continue to fight for the forces of good and think about New Year's resolutions. It's that time of year again for us to fail to live up to expectations. Right. You know what I'm gonna try to do this year? Just real quick, this is just mine. Some of the mail I've been getting is people requesting to be saved from things like a team of vampires attacked my town or a team of vampires oh wow they're really working together they're organized and they have supplies I think they're like a baseball team of vampires. Oh, that's my New Year's resolution. To at least look

into helping out that town. Arnie, it looks like a lot of people are also writing letters if I'm looking through this pile correctly. It looks like a lot of people need to be- You're looking through that pile in a weird way. Sorry, those are just my eyes. It looks like a lot of people need to be saved from debt. A lot of people are asking for money, Arnie.

Yeah, and some people have money that's just, they can't get access to, but if I can give them a little bit of money, then they get a large amount. I mean, I can make a lot of money. Tell about these princes. Do you get like a Pradeem or a stipend or something for being the greatest warrior in food? That's a good question. Is there any like financial upside to being the greatest warrior in all of food? The compensation for being the greatest warrior in food.

It's the satisfaction of knowing that you are doing good and helping those in need. Oh fuck. Oh wait, here comes Corey and he's wearing his new jeans. Or I guess it's more just like a tube, I guess it's more of a jean. Hello. How do I look? Pretty good, right? Pretty good, yes, I mean.

Not to, you know, run this into the ground, but it does help distinguish you from an apple. It does. Let's see the whole thing. Let's see an up-altern over. Let's see the back. There it is. There's the back.

Now turning slowly around. Ooh. Back to the front. And then now I'm facing front again. Okay, and give this stem a little shake for us. Ooh, galley. Are you willing to shave? I'm sorry, willing to peel.

Ah, I'm an asshole. This is really, like, I can't believe no one's ever thought of this. No one in the Upple communities ever thought to put a tube of denim around us because not only does it distinguish us from apples who we are not, but it also, you know, who's going to bite through denim to get to our delicious, delicious insights, you know? Yes, that's very true. And may I also add, it looks quite attractive.

That looks so attractive Yousnor you magic that think about a tube of denim a Todd and the tagline is Who's gonna bite through denim you sir you have a hit you've branded your own clothing line? You you gotta keep making these Cory you and I could go into business together. I suppose selling these denim tubes to your friends and family. I would only ask that you give me a small portion of the profits that you make.

And if you invite two of your friends to help sell them as well, they could give you a small portion of their profits. And then you give me a small portion of all the profits. I mean, that sounds great. I know that so many upholst that I know would love this product. The thing is that we use this currency, we use twigs. So I don't know if that's, you know, that's what you're hoping for.

Use twigs? Yeah. We just use twigs, just because they're around. So it's like, if you need to buy something, you can just look around, grab a few twigs, and it's actually pretty easy. So, okay, does anybody try to earn twigs then? Or if you can just find them everywhere?

There are some people who are kind of twig barons who kind of hoard a lot of the twigs in a particular part of the forest, but usually they just kind of blow away off of their stack and you can just find them anyway. Okay, you sort of, this is just a hurdle. We lean into it. We have you stores twig and tall where you can buy your own tuds.

Arnie, we're gonna double down on this. In our merch store can we get a pair of human jeans and on the ass it says who would bite through denim? I guess so, but we could also just sell denim tubes and they're probably cheaper to make and the perverts would buy them. Perverts, we always neglect the perverts in our merch store. Well no longer. Do we? Who do you think buys those getting nuts shirts? We got to make speedos already. Speedos getting nuts speedos.

Listener, if you are currently listening to this episode and wearing a getting nuts shirt as you're listening, verbally acknowledged that you're a pervert. No matter where you're at on the train, in front of your family, it matters not. Doing pervert stuff. Apple, I have to ask, what is the conversion rate of twigs to gold? You know, it kind of depends on the day. There was a day last week where I was able to exchange one twig for three bars of gold. What?

Yeah, but I didn't have any use for it, so I just kind of tossed it in the pond because the bars. Because I need twigs, right? I need twigs. I don't even know why I did that deal. It's such a bad deal for me. But then there are other times where, you know, 5,000 twigs is like half a de balloon. It's just, it's the volatility is so crazy. It's really hard to keep track of.

I got friends that went to Apple Business School that can probably explain it better than I can. So twigs are a part of a tree, which is sort of a chain when you think about it. And you know, you have big blocks of trees in the forest. So these block chains, you know, it's sort of a new type of currency, these twigs, I suppose.

D-regulated, it doesn't follow under the same rules as gold. That's interesting, and I'm intrigued. Yeah, it's pretty interesting, but, you know, again, I mostly just scoop them off the forest floor, and then I just like, you know, frolic about. Sure, itlic about. She's spent time. Frolicing's free. So that's true. But you spend some time mining for twigs, but then the rest of your time is yours.

Yeah. That's kind of the beauty of it is that, you know, you can just like set it and forget it, right? Just set your quick trap. Well, you've been an absolute delight to have on the show. I was used to use it. He is an absolute delight to have on the show. I'm a used to using it. Oh, yeah? He is an upal, his name is Corey. Oh, I'm so sorry. Corey. Oh, excuse me, I was so rude.

Honestly, just not being called an apple is so refreshing that I didn't even notice. If you want to call him, just call him wizard. Just be like, hey, wizard, get back at him. Is it true that you're a ghost? Did I hear that right? Are you a ghost of some sort? Uh, yes, because I've completed my true purpose, and I died and ascended, uh, since I finally

murdered the Dark Lord. I'm definitely really a ghost. It's not a scam. It's not a thing that I'm doing to hide out from the fact that I didn't actually do what I was supposed to do. I'm definitely super a ghost. Really totally out. You can put your hand through me and everything. I think the number of times you said definitely is what convinced me. Yes, I found that that's a very useful tool. Sometimes you say something and people don't believe it.

I say no, definitely, it's just true. Yeah, definitely. You definitely. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. You're definitely a ghost. I'm convinced. Thank you. Yes, of course. And I don't think your new system of currency is definitely going to work. And definitely going to make us a lot of money. You know, I think no matter what happens with this currency system, all I know is that

I'm keeping it positive. My eyes are straight ahead at the future. Every time the sun rises, I'm like, wow. I have not been eaten yet. That's awesome. That rules. As long as the sun sets without me being eaten, that's a good day.

Absolutely. Hey Arnie and you, sir. Hey, guys. He's like intensely positive, right? And yeah, he makes me suspicious. I hate to say it. Yeah, I hate to of makes me suspicious. I hate to say it. Yeah. Oh, I hate to say it too I hate to hear it but I'm also intensely positive. I'm always thinking about all the great deeds we can do I sort of enjoy it. Yeah, you're foolish shit. Is that what you said? Yeah, well how dare you? How dare you see?

See you're indignant you went from positive to indignant, but this guy's just positive But in a way where I'm like fuck you. All right. Let went from positive to indignant, but this guy's just positive. But in a way where I'm like, fuck you. All right, let's try to piss him off. I've been trying, yeah, let's, hey, Corey, you definitely, hey buddy, not much. Hey, you definitely have a worm sticking out of you. Is that, I think it's a worm, is that your penis?

Oh, this? I got him, guys, I got him. Oh, yeah, no, it's a worm, is that your penis? Oh, this? I got him, guys, I got him. Oh, yeah, no, it's my penis. Oh, no, is this an up-al-jacks situation? Yeah, no, that's definitely my penis. It's definitely always been my penis. Oh, okay. You should move that tube of denim around

to cover that, I think. Okay, okay. Oh, is this a zipper, is that what this is called? I should zip this up, right? Yeah, zip that up. That'll work if that. There. Now my penis, which is what that was,

not a worm that's currently eating through my body, will not be exposed to the rest of the arms. So sorry about that, that was inappropriate. Also, Corey, I was looking through these messages that I got, and this is embarrassing. Mm-hmm. I got your girlfriend's phone number. My honey? How do you like those up this?

Oh. Arty, why'd you slam it against the table like that? I just, it just seemed like the right thing to do. You got my honey's number? Mm-hmm. Oh, she got honey, Chris? Yeah, you must actually know her because you know her last name.

It's written this message. In this message, she keeps saying that she's golden-doll and delicious. It's very full of this message. Huh. That is? You said, oh, go ahead. I noticed, right after Arnie slammed out that letter with the phone numbers and said, how do you like them up? My eye was caught by the back room with a bar.

You know that big chalkboard we have with that math problem on it? Yes. I do. Zero plus one. Yes. Someone solved it. Oh, what? Yeah, I overheard you. I erased the chalkboard.

Just went back there. It's like, why has anyone thought of this before? I just erased it. Arnie, we've been waiting for someone to solve that math problem for years. For a long time. The only way to win is to not try. Huh?

Can I just say that I'm not pissed? I'm not pissed. Oh, really? I'm actually totally fine with my honey messaging you all those naughty things, even though she's never said anything remotely that naughty to me in our exchanges. You know, it's just, if that's what happens, that's what happens. You know, I'll roll with it. Was this the up-o-dye thought might've been the up-o-for-me?

Sure. Did I see myself having a whole bushel with her? Yes, absolutely. But I can't tell her what to do. And if she's going to be using, what was it that you call it a phone to send you these naughty messages that, you know, that's your brogg' if and I'm actually fine with it. I'm looking at the letter as well and she insulates the letter F U J I and then it says

fuck you jerk idiot. Huh. Wait was that intended for me or for me? Oh for me. There's a lot to parse in this letter. Guys I just wrote it down now. Oh I see. I figured like a good acronym would be Fugin' Fuck You jerk idiot. This letter guys, I just wrote it I just wrote it down now

I figured like a good acronym would be Fuji fuck you jerk idiot. Yeah, that's a great acronym. Let's thank you guys Guys, can we agree we're gonna keep using that? Fuji Kori, I think you're I think you're dumb and that you suck I think you're dumb and that you suck. Nice. You know, some people say that being dumb is actually one of the smartest things you can be. Because if you're dumb, you actually don't even know all the things that are bad,

and therefore you're actually smart at being positive. Oh, yeah, you sir, that's right. The old catchphrase, ignorance is tits. Yes. What's this again? Ignorance is tits. It just means that if thou art truly a simple tin, you sort of sup on life and it sort of allows you to pass through it unencumbered,

you just suck at the teeth of life and nothing slows you down. You know, passing through unencumbered reminds me of how also like upolds are very high in fiber and That's just another like obstacle that we've encountered is that we actually Really help people digest everything else that they're eating when they eat us But you know again, I think of it as like hey, that's cool now a second ago I said you were a dumb stupid idiot sure Yeah, and then and then right after that you start talking about what apples do and and a second ago, I said you were a dumb stupid idiot. Sure, yeah.

And then right after that, you started talking about what apples do, and before, let me be honest, I didn't mean what I said. But now I'm beginning to mean it. Oh, okay. Oh, did I think you're a dumb stupid idiot? Because, if you want to be separated from apples, why do you keep talking about all of the things

that make apples exactly like apples? It's just so hard to talk about anything else just because we are we are basically 99.99 99% exactly like apples except for the whole coming out of my mommy's vagina thing. Like that's really the only thing that that that that is a pretty big difference. I gotta say I mean look to be honest though we don't know what else came out of his mommy's vagina. That's difference. I gotta say, I mean, look, to be honest though, we don't know what else came out of his mommy's vagina. That's fair. I gotta say if I was biting into an apple, and then I saw it's vagina, I'd be thrown.

Yes, I would be quite, quite vexing. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on.

I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. I always know what's going on. So it seems like the main differences are one, the genus, apples have the genus, not a phrase I ever thought I'd say. And two, there's a U instead of an A in your name. Oh yeah! So those seem to be the only two differences. As far as I can tell. And also core muscles, first is an apple core. I guess that's kind of...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And female apples are bigger. They're quite a bit bigger. They're about two apples taller than us. So if you saw two, an apple, it was like two or three apples big, you'd be like, that's a big fucking apple. And as a giant, yeah, you know what? Now that I think about it, actually it's pretty much exclusively male upels that get eaten because the female upels are so weird and tall that people just assume that there's something wrong with this apple, but no,

it's just a female apple. Hmm. Cory, I do have to ask, what do apples eat? Eat. Hmm. Huh. Eat. Or absorb or... Yes, what is your sustenance? Yeah, how are you alive?

Huh. Well, when I was a baby apple, I circled up my mommy's apple tea. Big graces, tits. Uh-huh. So you're a mammal. All right, we've established that. All right. Guys, I think there's a lot more scientific accuracy

than I would have expected in this episode. Yeah, grapes are eggs. I can't honestly say, because I'm just always go, go, go. You know, like, I get up, do you want me to run you through like my day, kind of what my schedule is? Yeah, sure, yeah. So I like, I get russled awake usually about six, seven in the morning by someone who wants breakfast, right?

Who's trying to eat me and say, no wait, I'm not an apple, I'm an apple, et cetera, et cetera. You kind of already saw that whole deal play out, right? So then I go for a jog around the pond. For you guys, that would probably not be much of a jog because it's a pretty small pond. For me, it's basically an ultra marathon every single morning.

Wow. Yeah, and so then I do that, then I have, oh, okay, when you say eat, you mean like stuff that you put in your mouth and chew and swallow and digest. Yeah, I guess if you wouldn't get the fuck out of me. Literally about it. The fuck is this, this is horrible. You're making us so mad't get that literal about it. The fuck is this game's horrible? Corey, you're making us so mad and I'm sorry about it.

And I have to be clear, we have villains on this podcast all the time. There are people who have stabbed me and almost killed me and they've still been on a couple times. But Corey, you're making us a lot matter than that. Fuji, I can't say it enough, Fuji. You know what? I do want to hear more about your day. There's a lot matter than that. Fuji, I can't say it enough, Fuji. Fuji. I do wanna hear more about your day, but before you're more about your day, what's your biggest flaw?

There we go, biggest flaw. My biggest flaw, I guess is probably that I just, I'm too positive. Flaw. I'm just too positive. Oh, wow. Let's take a break. So, Quart, can we hear... Can we hear about the rest of your routine after you jog around the pond in an ultra marathon?

Sure, yeah, so that's when I have breakfast. I guess is what you would call it. So I have usually a dozen eggs. A dozen? Yeah, raw. A dozen raw eggs fit inside of you, even though you're the size of an owl. I digested it pretty quickly. No, okay. And these are eggs.

They're not like eggs with a big floppy dick or something. No, they're chickens' eggs. Yeah. But it's always raw. Everything we eat is raw because if we get too close to a flame or any sort of cooking implement, we end up being pies most of the time.

And that's just something that we really want to avoid. So that would be an apple pie, not an apple pie. How do I tell the difference between an apple pie and an apple pie? Or at that point is the difference irrelevant? I mean, at that point it's mostly irrelevant, but you might have to pick an up over a giant out of your teeth. Is that too gross?

No, it's just the truth. You're just telling me. It's just my truth. It's just my truth. Yes, it's the truth. Is irritating as it is. I can't deny that that is the truth for you. And again, mostly female upels don't get eaten because they're so freakishly tall.

So, that's a shame. That's a shame. For who? I'm just saying. Well, yeah, I guess like most upel pies are basically, there's almost, I would say there's zero difference between an upel pie and an upel pie. In fact, if there is a difference,

is that an upel pie is actually a little bit tastier? It's what I've heard. It's just the reviews are just so glowing every time. I hear about them, you know. I think this motherfucker's been eating other apples. I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, right? Yeah.

It's bringing it back to how apples are so tasty. I mean, we're juicy, we're succulent. See? I've heard that just like, we're succulent. See? I've heard that just like, when somebody bites into one of us, an apple, just the juice dribbling down their chin, it's just like, it's nectar. It's what I've heard. It's what I've heard. Cory, do you still have, is all your family still with us? Your parents and you have any siblings?

I mean, most of them have gotten eaten, but my granny Smith is still with us, your parents and you have any siblings? I mean, most of them have gotten eaten, but my granny Smith is still with us. Yes. She's a little bit sour these days. Yeah, tarted, tartled lady. Yeah, she's one of those green hairs, you know? So she's just kind of shuffling around the pond. It takes her the entire day.

Her routine is easy. It's just one lap around the pond. Which is still a little too. Her routine is easy, it's just one lap around the pond. Which is still a little too marathon, which is crazy, like at her age, but yeah, she's pretty much it as far as my family. I hate to be rude, but I suppose I don't know how long Upples live if they aren't devoured, how old is your grandmother? Oh, she's a couple seasons old, yeah. Oh, oh, multiple seasons, so you yourself are only then a few months old, one season old. Yeah, I'd say I'm a season old.

Yeah, I don't remember anything beyond this season. Okay. So you have a relatively short lifespan compared to like a human or what? I don't like to think of it that way, like short. Now, what is a short life, you know, to me? Me or yours? Sure, right.

Like pure mathematics, right, sure. Relative to any other kind of living thing, like you guys are, you guys look to be hundreds of years old. So like compared to you guys, it's, sure, it's short. Quote unquote. But I think that if you live your life to the fullest as an uphol, it can be as long as you want to be.

You know, it can be okay, but that just isn't true. Just saying that doesn't fucking make it true. Yeah, your fucking positive platitudes don't track my dude. I mean, there's a certain immutable laws that the goddesses put in place with their magic. Sure, and, you know, I'm not super religious, you know, like, like, I believe that there are goddesses, right? Yeah, I've met them. I believe that there are goddesses, but I don't think that there are goddesses, like,

on a big throne with like a big white beard, you know, like, that's not what I think of. Wow. All three of the goddesses definitely have a throne, and they all definitely have big white beards. So progressive of it. If they want to, they have lots of different aspects. Look, you said order to be fair, just because you say you've met the goddesses, that's not going to convince someone that doesn't believe.

I mean, back in my world, I've been on public transit and people told me they've met God and I didn't believe them. I think it's a little bit different here in the fact that magic know magic is in front of an all of us and occasionally and something the shit really goes down maybe one of the goddesses comes flying out of the sky and one of the golden chariots and sets a building on fire or there's smite someone you never know what the fuck they're gonna do. So Arnie said public transit which means there's a hidden transit?

That's the detail that you watched on to. And I should say I've also met the goddesses. Wait what? What? You miss the goddesses and you don't believe in them? Yeah, they all try to eat. And honestly that kind of soured me on the goddesses as far as believing them, so I just decided not to believe in them, you know.

If the goddesses deemed me worthy to devour, I would gladly become their meal. Lay me down before them, with an apple or an apple in my mouth, and cook me till I am cooked through, and then let the goddesses dig in there with their knives and their forks, so they are divine creatures who have created the entire world. I guess I was taking off his robe. He's got weird wizard lingerie on. Slather me in butter and let my body become their sustenance. See, you know, I wish I could be like you. You know, I wish I could offer myself up to be eating like that because I've heard I'm so delicious. There it is.

There it is, jealousy. See? He's not infallible. He's not perfect. He's jealous. But ultimately at the end of the day. Fuck. Look guys, guys, guys. Look. It's simple. I just figured it out.

What? We killed him? He's young. Oh. This is really young. That's why he's so positive. He just recently decided to be an atheist. He's young Yes, I when I was young I was even more hopeful and more Wide-eyed than I am now and I suppose that this This sin of youth can be forgiven. Yeah, he's just at that annoying age of being young.

He's probably like two days away from becoming a libertarian or something. Yeah, I remember when I was young and I felt like every time I heard about one of the world's problems, I'd just be like, you idiots, I know the answer. And it would have been something I'd just read in like a book and I just regurgitated and I'd feel so smart.

Yeah, when I was young, I read books too. Yeah, and I read books too. I'm saying, I read a ton of books. Yeah, I can read. And write. All right, all right, everyone. Yes, we'll all write. Everyone can read.

Let's all write to prove it. Everyone can read and write. I'm very proud of both of you boys. You guys just talk about reading. To me, reading doesn't even, it doesn't even matter what's actually on the page, you know? Like if you're looking at a page, you see how these squiggles,

and you don't know what they mean. Is this the vibe you get from the book? That's the most important thing. It's a vibe. Books are vibes. What, what, what the fuck are you talking about? Of course it matters what's in the book. What's in the book?

See, I kind of understand, cause look, I at least, I have a sort of youthful spirit, so I can at least kind of understand What are you talking about? Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. You know what I'm talking about? Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. You know what I'm talking about? Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book.

Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book.

Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. Of course it matters what's in the book. blood and we are grateful to have those books full of spells. Now people write books about all sorts of bullshit like the loneliest boy who ever lonely or whatever that one was that they made mittens out of. It's insane. What are my up-al-friends gave me this really interesting scroll by this guy named Richard

The Wise and he's kind of what kind of turned me on to this whole thing of like the goddesses aren't real or if they are real they're not in a throw a thrones like with big long white hair and this is after I'd already met them again but I was like the arguments were so compelling that Richard the wise kind of put forth in this scroll that now I just tell everyone like oh you need to read this scroll if you like Richard the wise can I turn you on to another scroll have you read the coward's in in? The cowards in, he just really, like what we think is history is not history. Like in food, there's some fucked up shit that we don't really talk about.

Yeah, that's on my list. That's on my list for sure, is the Upples history of food, because the cowards in is an apple. He's one of the most famous apples. Oh, he's an apple, I didn't know that. Yeah, he's so negative about being an apple and so negative about being eaten.

So that's why he's a reckless, right? In the literary community. Oh, Corey, oh buddy. Turn around a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, you have a bruise. What? Oh, you're getting old.

You're starting to get a bruise. You're starting to turn a little bit. In my view, this notice, there's kind of a lot of little bugs flying around. Wow. I'm starting to go bad, huh? These are like mats or whatever. No, that's, you know what I think of, you know what I call a bruise?

What do you call a bruise? A bruise is just a pre-healed peel. You know? Kind of hard to spin that. I think you're really hurt. No, no. It's just pre-healed. Makes Fuji sound pithy. Thank you.

Well, while you come to grips with your aging reality, Arnie, do you have any emails? I do. Let's see here. And of course, listeners, you can email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. It's a really email address, and I'll be able to read it because I can read.

Here's an email. I've heard that that's primarily how princes and faraway lands receive funds. Is that correct? Oh, well, actually, that's through Patreon, which also you can message us through our Patreon. So please go to patreon.com slash magic tavern. Here's a message, hello Arnold, Lil Squish and biscuit meniscus. I was re-listing to some episodes. And during the staff party at Gislinab Academy season 3 episode 20, biscuit notes that it is a well-known

fact that ghosts cannot talk about art. I thought that this would be useful information in case someone were to masquerade as a ghost. Don't die, Bert, you can say my name. Well, of course ghosts can't talk about art. You should or you should or have you fucked this up at any point. Well, I mean, he's talked about our podcast, but he's still safe, right? That's almost entertainment. I wouldn't classify it as art. You should have, if you've talked to anyone,

can you remember talking about art at any point in the last year or so? I don't know. I may be, it doesn't matter. Look, Ghost can't talk about art. They're preoccupied with other things. They don't really have a good point of view about it because you show them a piece of art

and you're like, doesn't that make you think about life and the meanness of life or whatever? And they're like, yeah, I'm dead, who gives a shit? When I say they can't talk about art, I mean, they're not good to talk about art with. Oh, they don't know what they're talking about. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Okay.

Okay, yeah, so you're not good to talk to, so you've been keeping up the scale. Well, one is a ghost really well. Well, how dare you. Upples relationship to artists mostly, our peels are kind of mushed into paint and used to paint on canvases. We mostly provide, you know, red, yellow,

green, those kinds of colors to a lot of local artists, so I'm not a big art guy either. You're just a sentient apple. It's what I'm hearing. No, no. I'm an apple. This is like someone explaining how they're not a hipster. I hate this.

I mean, he even has the word up in his name. It's just great. I'm an apple. Well, I, I think we should end the episode, Onnie, and, um, if next week we're enjoying a cobbler, or a pie, you know, just know that apple left right after this episode and is totally fine. Mm.

Uh, what, uh, what you guys, what are you guys talking about? I just say next week if the listeners tune in, which they might not, and we're enjoying a delicious apple cobbler, they should just understand that you left after this episode and you are totally fine because you're an apple, right? Yeah, I'm an apple, not an apple.

So if it's an apple cobbler, that's got nothing to do with me. Right, and, I'm an apple. Not an apple, so if it's an apple cobbler, that's got nothing to do with me. Right, and also totally unrelated, we should probably end the episode right now, because we've generally gotten feedback that many of our listeners don't enjoy listening to the sound of people eating. Oh, you guys, what are you guys going to have? You guys are going to eat after this? Where are you guys going?

Grab it! Oh! How many guests of your own podcast have you eaten? Michael Babaro. User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refire. Corey the Uppel was played by special guest Alex Nichols. Check out Alex's podcast Destination Passport. Or if you're in Denver, Colorado, he performs regularly at Rise Comedy.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. People like Todd Voss, Tyler Meyer, Tim Watson, Story, Molly Hakek, parentheses, I promise that's my real name and not a joke. Your honor, prosecution suggests that it's both, moving on, serpentine, Evan Castro, Vivi with a heart who says thanks for the continued laughs, guys and gals and non-binary pals. Lindsay Mistretta, Destiny Sanders, Dr. Bradley, Sergio, Kristen Ammons, and a supporter who writes, Thank My Sister Molly Morris. This podcast means the world to us gave us comfort and laughs in a really dark time.

Now you know it's difficult for me to recognize that this production may be of any value, so I'll just say nothing. Patrons get at free episodes. The entire back catalog, including all previous spin-offs, well received and otherwise. And at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode where Sean's records and album. Okay, so Arnie, here's how it's gonna go. I'm gonna say the lyric and then you're gonna repeat it and then I'm gonna move on to the next lyric.

Are you ready? Mm-hmm. Two little buttholes. Two little buttholes. Perfect little buttholes. Perfect little buttholes. And be right on my tail. Is that a lyric? Oh no. Okay. Yeah, why are you interrupting? Oh, perfect little butt. And be right on my tail. Is that a lyric? Uh, okay.

Yeah, why are you interrupting? No, I'm so sorry. Ah, fuck, okay, from the... Be right on your tail. Thank you, let's take it from the top. Okay. Too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt, too little butt hookers are butt hooo Be right on my tail Be right on my tail Ooh, I like that I wish people listening to the album could see the hand gestures that we are making more during this video There's so Serpentine!

Oh boy, that was something that occurred in linear time To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adler Refi. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Stefan Draincher. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Ugh!

Okay, I did all the credits and even sat through that Patreon clip. I did my part. I want answers. Alright, alright. I've been working on getting our team director down here to explain everything, but he's been delayed. You said a few weeks ago that the listeners of this podcast are evil? I don't know if I'd call it evil. It's more like an immense destructive force. Emense? How many people are we talking about? Just one, and it's not a person, exactly. We're doing all this work to intro this podcast,

and there's only one listener. Yes, we call it Hank. That seems right. See, the podcast distracts that force, makes it believe that it's a person, and then the world building in the podcast triggers the world building in Hank. While listening to the podcast, the force believes that the rest of its life exists.

And that stops it from... what? Uh, it doesn't stop it. It delays it. Uh, but, you know, if it gets here, it'll probably just destroy us all. That sounds made up. The director does a much better job of explaining all of it, but basically we're trying to trap a God with the most powerful thing we could think of. Content. What's that sound? Something like someone eating. Ugh. Right now I need it. Anya, you eating Cory? No, I'm not eating.

Although it does sound like someone's eating apple. Mmm. I lift up the tablecloth. Huh? What? Fuck, Cory. No, no. This isn't what it looks like.

Looks like you're eating another apple. I would, no. I mean, I'm giving my granny a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. She called and... Oh, Cory. Grab him! Ah!