Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 59 - Five Finger Scoop Poopy (w/ Ify Nwadiwe)

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Casino-owner Five Finger Scoop Poopy visits the tavern after Arnie saves him from vampires.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiFive Finger Scoop Poopy: Ify NwadiweMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex

collide in a game of life and death. Look, I've been doing these podcast intros for weeks now and you keep promising I can talk to whoever's in charge here. I've been told our director of operations is on his way over now. He should be here by the end of the episode. He better be. Okay. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. If you notice I'm doing the bare minimum, I'm just trying to manage expectations for

what's to follow. Now, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven and a half years ago I felt through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I used that

to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, and the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the unnamable mountain, in the magical land of fune, and I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, shunt the talking badger, tata tata tata tata tee, Arnie quick throw that lemon up high in the air. Uh, okay, I'm not going to throw. Ah, barely choked. Chun stunts! Thus, so this week's chun stunt was to not show, uh, well barely choking. I didn't throw it that hard. Chun, hold on. What are you wearing around your neck?

Oh this? Let me take it off here. It's a cone. What happened? Why are you wearing a cone around your neck? It's going to affect your audio. I got stitches down there. Oh, oh, he has to wear that cone. If he has stitches down there, he likes to put his mouth down there anyway. Yeah, he's going to like it. And if there's stitches, he's going to pull those stitches right out. I'd be looking so hard. And I know what you're thinking. Can't

you just regrow your skin? But I've never had stitches and I want to know what it feels like Mmm. And now I realize there's a reason why itches rhymes with stitches It's because they use a lot of the same letter. Yeah, what about snitches? It's because of all the snitching you've been doing Well, I told you what I'm wearing put it back on shunt. Do I have to it's gonna make my audio sound like dog shit? Well, but you don't want to do you don't want to pull out your stitches. Fine I'm wearing. Put it back on, Shunt. Do I have to? It's gonna make my audio sound like dog shit. Well, but you don't want to do you don't want to pull out your stitches. Fine.

Better. Better. I am also joined by my other co-host, Yusador the Wizard, who is dead and a ghost. I was Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth, Raul of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Mini-Prolator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the 12th realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus, the elves Numiya's fey en Elek, the dwarves Numiya's Zonen in Hukk Stenges, and I was known throughout the northeast as gas-winnius mehstar, and there were so many other secret names that when I was alive there are names you could speak that could destroy entire personalities

They could destroy an entire personality. Yeah, you know and somebody just somebody looks at you funny Or says just the wrong thing and you just feel crushed some of my names did that too. Oh Damn, I like when you talk to flower and she just has your number. Oh, yeah I mean, I talked to her in like our second or third episode and I haven't been the same sense. No you have not. I kind of had my shit together in the first episode. I was very impressed, but since episode two, no thanks. Mm-hmm.

Hard pass. So guys, I- A quick party before you move on. Okay. Throw that lemon real fast. Okay, who am I throwing it to? To you? Yes to me.

Okay. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! That's even more impressive than I thought it was. Thank you! You barely choked. I choked. Yeah.

You really choked. Also, my aim is usually terrible, but for some reason, we know from the bathroom floor, my dude. Every time I go in there, it's like I'm walking into a field of banana peels. For some reason, when I throw lemon at one of your throats, I just got perfect aim. That's it, Arnie. Whenever you're in trouble, throw a lemon. Okay, I'll just keep these lemons in this basket right here just in case. It could be part of your new expended power set as the greatest warrior in all of food. That's true and thank you for bringing that up, you sir, because that's why I wanted to talk about

upfront. As we all know, I am now the greatest hero in all of Finn. I've been getting lots of scrolls and deliveries asking me to help people out in Finn. Last week, I got deliveries, asking me to help people out in FUN. Last week, I got a message asking me to save a nearby town from a team of vampires. And I know I usually don't go out and do much between episodes, but this week, I went to Castle Hawks' Fire. And I fought a shit ton of vampires. Really? Yeah, damn, I'm impressed, Ernie. Because I was about to mention,

when you say you're the greatest warrior in food, you really should say I am technically the greatest warrior in food? On paper, yeah. Mm. That by a weird accident, I became the greatest warrior in food because they accidentally killed

the greatest warrior in food. Mm-hmm. And you actually did something heroic, so perhaps this caveat is no longer necessary. Look, I'm as surprised as anybody that place you know castle hawks buyer is huge It's got like millions of millions of people live there. Yeah, so I think those vampires must have really done some damage Like in just a couple days time because that place was overrun with vampires And they were not that many vampire survivors. You know what they say you go to this buyer. You're gonna tire They say that.

They do say that. They do say that. I've seen the sweatshirts. Castle Hawkspire has a lot of merch. Have you been to a gift store there? I know what there are some of your favorite pieces of Hawkspire merch. I can't remember.

Arnie, you know, since you got really good at throwing lemons, what if lemon? Lemon. Oh, barely choked. John stunts. What if you, I don't know. So since you got really good at throwing lemons, what is lemon? Lemon. Ah, barely choked. John stunts. What if you, I don't know, what if you got really buff? Like you got super jacked and you threw lemons and that was like your new thing.

And maybe there's a new name there, like Jacked Lemon. Jacked Lemon. Yeah, tossa. And like you're kind of sad, kind of a sad sack. Lemon tossa. Oh no, none of these I don't know Like you're kind of a sad sack

But then you whip lemons at people and you're so jacked that it hurts them My favorite thing to get when I go to Hawkspire topic is to get a t-shirt that says my parents went to Hawkspire And all I got was this lousy tunic lemon went to Hawkspire and all I got was this lousy tunic. Lemon! Let's pull the reins on the lemon throw, no? I'm sorry, maybe I'm just being extra aggressive because when I was fighting all those vampires, I just picked up the closest weapon which was a whip. But I don't know how to use a whip, so I'm just running around trying to whip these

bats that are flying at me. Huh. Even as you're mining Arnie, you're holding the thin end. Oh, yeah, you could tell that from the detail work of my mining. Well, the grip was so tight. It must have been the thin end, yeah. Well, it's so easy. My hand is completely closed. The object work is not great, but yeah, I was just whipping this way in that. And frankly, most of my technique was just whipping this way in that and frankly, most of my technique is just to run away from the vampires and just kind of to have like

haphazardly try to whip at them behind me. But it kind of works. Hmm, that's great. So you survived. I survived. I think very few people survived, but I did bring one of the survivors back with me and it's an old friend of ours. Oh!

We last all him in at Northeastia, at the casino, the rooster's left foot, which he ran and owned. Oh yeah! Formerly known as Five Finger Flint Gustin, but he lost part of his name in a bet. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not sure why I'm going into such an elaborate introduction. Turn it into a game show. going into such an elaborate introduction. It is wonderful to see you five finger. Now I must ask, what led you to Castle Hawks fire, where you were so encroached by Vampirica evil? Well, you know, it wasn't a vampiric evil that attracted me.

It was the opportunities for gambling and bets. And you know, there's been a lot of buzz within all of the kingdoms for different ordinances for scroll betting. Betting that you would do on different jousting matches and such, but you would do it through scroll and people would connect and you know, if you wouldn't you would pay it out, but you know, certain kingdoms have blocked the ordinance. I invoke so I kind of do it on foot, do a little pop-up bets. That's gotta anger the draft kings.

Oh yes, the draft kings truly, truly are coming for me, but hey You can't stop success. That's what they always have said and that's what they will continue to say But you know, you know if there's any you know, you know, beds that you want to have going for me Let me know I will say the one million gold That was available from my death by the ticket master was kind of that is not an opportunity because the ticket master was murdered by Queen Taylor. You know, Queen Taylor has destroyed the ticket master and all of her subjects. Oh yes, I do know of Queen Taylor the Swift.

You know, I only know a little bit about Queen Taylor the Swift, but I like what I've heard. She is truly at fearsome warrior and a goddess of a queen. She takes her to rapier and swiftly she shall cut thee down. And then, you know, if it doesn't go her way, she just soles shake it off. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Oh, well, you know, so that, that bed, and that was the biggest bed I had. So I was really upset. That was a bit of a relief for you, 5 finger, because the ticket master was trying to kill

you. Were you ever scared that the ticket master was going to get you? Well, yeah, but there'd be a few seconds of solid knowing I want a bet. My biggest bet right before I, you know, I'll reach another plane and that will not happen. You know, it's bittersweet, someone say. On a related note, were you ever afraid that the rhythm was gonna get you? You know, that I was a fear dove, but you know, I can bounce back. I too can shake one off, you know. I've been known to do it, but you know, you gotta watch out.

You know, that Taylor the Swift has been known as an anti-hero lately. So, you know, maybe that Swift has been known as an anti-hero lately. So, you know, maybe that's something you should watch out for. Ooh, that's true, Arnie. Perhaps this great warrior queen will want to challenge you as the greatest warrior of all food. Shit, Arnie, look what you made her do. Yeah, the last thing you wanted some bad blood between you two.

Oh, shit. 18? 18 what? I don't know. I don't know. Oh, I know we're shaking off. She's gonna be seeing red when she sees you. Oh, yes.

She's definitely gonna be on some vigilante shit. There's a lot of folklore about her. I don't know if all of it's true, but she's a fierce, fierce little button. Oh, we know as you of it's true, but... She's a fierce little button. Oh, we know as you're on your own, kid. So how's everybody else doing? Oh, excellent. Very good.

I'm a ghost, obviously, I died, you know. Yes, you were more less ghost-like with that. Well, Corporeal, last time you saw me. Yes, Corporeal, that's the word I was talking about. Yes. Oh, well, you see, I completed my true purpose. I defeated the Dark Lord and then I send it to the heavens. But the ghostly spirit of the remains here. So, you know, I'm just hanging out, being chill.

Yeah. Doing what cool rad dudes do. So, does that mean that you're not really you and you're more of an imprint of you and the you that we knew is that you know up In somewhere else enjoying the afterlife. What? I don't know Good question. What if I am yeah, essentially a ghost clone a clone

Honey am I a clone? Tron to my clone. I think you're a clone Oh, no, this is like one of those questions my clone? I think you're a clone. Oh, no. This is like one of those questions our friend Philip would ask. You know, Philip's offical. He's always like, what is there? Are more windows or doors? Or more doors or more wheels? If there's a high five, is there a buy five?

Like, are there more birds or bugs? Yes. Are the colors you see the same as the colors I see? Is the butt just part of the leg Ernie way hold on. What was that last time is a butt just part of the leg no No, it's got a different name it's a whole separate thing. What are you talking about is your arm part of your chest? No Well, no, it wouldn't a closer one would be is your bicep part of your arm A closer one would be is your bicep part of your arm. That's a good arm.

That's a fairie good fight. Is your butt part of your leg? So if you break your leg, you might have just sat on your ass roll hard. Ooh. Is that what you're saying, Arnie? Okay, now you want me back. Oh shit, I wasn't trying to.

Whoops. And I'm doing pretty good. I'm still a bit of a sexy baby while everyone else is a monster on the hill. And I've been doing a lot of a sexy baby while everyone else is a monster on the hill and Been doing a lot of chunch stunts. I throw it's full of lemons. I think that's I think that's about it Chun, do you have any other stunts that you could do today? Is there something else you want to try out? Hmm. I don't want to keep the listeners, you know, I want to keep them hungry from all of it But I also want to give them what they want. Yes, of course. You sir sir Why don't you hold this plank of wood and test it to make sure it's real

This is real wood tastes just like wood. Okay. Now slam it against your forehead as hard as possible breaking it in two Just dance. Oh, perfect. Well done. Thank you. What an amazing psychological stunt. Yeah, wow, that was, that was, I gotta say, that was great to watch. And I gotta say this chun-stunt stuff, I need you to bring it back. I need you to bring it back to the rooster, because, you know, we would like to put a lot of bets on these stunts from you, chun-t-o. Wait, the rooster's still going. I thought they came to snuff the rooster. Oh, but they look, they tried,

but the rooster always grows in the morning. That's the motto that we have. The rooster always grows in the morning. So yeah, if one place shuts down, we open it up somewhere else. Ah, you know, just, you know, send me a parchment. I'll give you the password. You can tell me.

Absolutely. The rooster always grows up. You should open up a, have you did a gift store or a gift shop? You should sell merch because Castle Hawkshire. I mean don't knock the hawk. That's barely a catchphrase and that's on 3,000 mugs over there. Oh man, we're never considered merch uh, you know, with the whole secrecy type thing we got going on, but that's hiding in plain sight. Yeah, because Hawk and Hawk, it's just that's terrible slant rhyme. And you could do something, it's a real rhyme, like the rooster is your booster.

Oh yeah, or the... Or boost the rooster. Oh, I like that, that's even better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We definitely need, you know, funding as there's a lot of travel expenses, you know, we rent out the places and, you know, insurance fees for when that place is raised. Oh, oh, if I think of that reminds me, I need to update some of the bets that I had made with you before. Oh, yes, okay. Oh, of course. I think the odds

have gotten better that Chant's going to die from one of these Chant stunts So when I place that bet that Chant was going to die I'd like to update that bet I am gonna put another 100 coins on that. I like these. Oh, okay, I'm gonna write that down Okay, yes, I like that too. I'm I'll jump on that bet with you And then my my bet that Arnie was going to die also I'm gonna up that up with a thousand gold pieces because he's not the greatest warrior in Funevrode's try to kill him. Yeah, I will have to say the payout swaps this. So now the payout isn't gonna be as much because with the whole hero thing, you know, it rises and falls like the sun. So, yeah, but it's gonna happen. It's just a matter of time. Oh, yeah, you're still gonna make a pretty penny, but it's not, you know, not as much as it would have been before sure sure before no one can while we're on it I

want to update one of my bets uh I think that maybe Queen Taylor might be in trouble is it possible to put I don't know a thousand gold coins on parlay j, yes, yes, oh yeah. Oh, defeating Quintailer? Yeah, yeah, that might, that, oh, I'm going to, not only am I going to take that, but I'm gonna go ahead and send it back and I'm gonna have some people join you on that because that is a great bet I haven't even considered. I guess her full name is Parlay Ray Jepson, but.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you know. I think we told you about Parlay Ray Jepson, but yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean we told you about Parley Ray Jepson. Maybe. She is a terrible and cruel queen, just like Taylor the Swift, but she isn't as much a warrior as much as she is a psychological warrior. She will parlay with you. She shall take conference with you and play little mind games with you to get exactly what she wants through negotiation.

Yes, I might do this. Give me your address. Maybe I'll send you something or maybe I'll kill you. It's a lot of, yeah, just meant psychological warfare. Right. And then one of our spiders may poison you. In this part of her psychological warfare that she's always like, before she suggests something she's like, is this crazy?

It's a really good lead in to like make you think you are thinking something wrong. Catch your off guard. Right. Oh, we also have to make sure that we consider, you know, the rising bandits brigade ran by Catherine Perry and her dark horses. I, you know, so he, because she's always considered, you know, Queen Taylor, the swift, the one that got away, you know, she's always got, you know,

her bounties except for that one, so. My very flashy queen, lots of fireworks. Yes, yes, yes, but her roar, whoo! Oh, but she's done. She's done. She's done. The terrifying horror. Is she the one that's turning babies into fireworks? Yes, yes, but her roar who? Oh, but yes. You don't kill the darkest, but terrifying. He's in the fireworks. Is she the one that's turning babies into fireworks? Yes, yes, she's very evil.

Ah, that's very evil. She had a, there was a time that her kingdom was on her side and then there was a charlatan who want to become king. He thought he could pay his way to be king and she decided to side with that charlatan grip, Caruso. It was real weird, huge, huge, huge chain.

Yeah, I was like, whoa, did not expect her to side with him. It was a very hard breaking, at least for five fingers himself. Sgt. Uh, five fingers. Can Surgently. Five fingers. Can I, if I'm more specific about who ends up killing Arne, do I make more money? A thousand percent, yes. I'm gonna assume it's three-year-old Timmy.

Oh! Okay. Put it on the board, three-year-old Timmy. Oh, man, you think Timmy over Glass Maniac? I think Glass Maniac's got it in the bag. I mean, I just think the odds are a little, the payout's gonna be better, a three-year-old Timmy pulls it off.

So I'm kind of excited in that, you know, that long, the long shot. Wait, let's not forget that Krelbar wants to kill me, and we all fight Krelbar. That was the Krelbar. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, well, you know, I will say, that's gonna be high, harder odds,

because a villain who's come back when they were thought to be dead has a higher success rate, you know, across the board. So, um, yeah, that's you won your end day, Charlie. But aside from that, I, yeah, I think that the bets will not pay out as well, but it's a safe bet as we like to say in the right is. I'm sticking with Timmy. I just I just I'm I'm running with that long shot writing to say in the right. Bizz. I'm sticking with Timmy. I just, I just, I'm, I'm really, with that long shot. Righting it down in my book.

Well, why don't we take a quick break and we'll get some of these coins across the table to get the, is that what we say to cement these bets? Yeah, we said that in the biz. Yeah, sure. I don't know what cement is though. Well, Anio is always talking about the semen pond. Alright, well let's toss the coins across the table to semen.

Our bets might have to use that. So five fingers scoop poopy when I stumbled upon you at Castle Hawks buyer and I you know right before that I had found a Bible that I was just swinging around to try to get rid of these vampires and also I had a ring that would shoot lightning down and would kind of take out some of the vampires and I was mostly running and screaming away and I saw you there. What, how did you survive for so long amongst all those vampires?

Oh well, that's because I'm a werewolf. Yeah, yeah. You know, so I was in there. I was trying to do a long play assassination and then you came in swinging that Bible around. I was like, oh well, I'm gonna just sit here and watch this happen and then take the credit in another kingdom.

Yeah, by the way, I'm definitely gonna take credit in another case. So you'll be a hero in most kingdoms, but this one that sent me to go do that assassination, they're definitely gonna think I did it. But it will be a joint thing. You will get partial credit. Who amongst the vampires were you there to kill?

Oh, the king, the king, you know? So I came in on some old school like werewolf, serve vampires nonsense, you know, they were into it. I was doing, you know, that was, I was grabbing coffees and meads, you know, doing like, medial tasks here and there,

but you know, they were real, they weren't letting me get close enough, you know, cause I was gonna do the old slid and sleep you know where you get you catch them while they're sleeping in the throat you know but you slip first you slip and sleep yeah yeah I slip the throat that I took them in you know so and so they'll you know they'll think oh maybe he's like slipped in glass while he was sleeping and it wasn't in that fascination.

Keep them guessing. Yeah, so out of like, Jeff looks like he's sleeping. There's a pool of blood underneath his neck. Huh. Yeah. Wonder if he's having a weird dream. You'd be surprised how many times that is the case, you know, they're just like, oh, okay.

It was kind of, you know, everybody, you know, we got all types of diseases and people like, oh, that's easy just coughing up blood again. You know, that's a Wednesday. Yeah, crazy diseases, really terrible stuff. Can't do anything about it. I have a couple of questions for you. Of course.

Five English scoop, goopy. One, have you always been of where we'll face that? Something we just like, No, last time we saw you, have you always been of where will this that something we just like, no, it's time we saw you were you were werewolf. No, that was a bad it was a pretty simple bet like betcha can't go in that werewolf, Dan and not turn to werewolf lost that bet. I really hate sucks to lose a bet. Definitely lost that bet. But I did become a werewolf, which, you know, maybe win the bet. Best you didn't think I'd be the coolest sexiest werewolf, and I was. I was.

It was hard though. I had to go up against some real toughens. There was lots of, you know, sought werewolves because, you know, there's the different kinds of the werewolves that turn into a big quadruped. I'm more of the like, you know, a werewolf that like, you know, walks around with a shirt off, gets ripped abs, gets real hairy.

I like it. You know, like almost like a fish out of water werewolf in a place that would be like, you know, the thousands of miles away, maybe you'd take a flight or go there on a vacation with some type of tower there. But if I was from a place with some type of our, you know, on striped, starred flag,

if I was that in that place, I'd be that kind of werewolf. Yeah, can I just say, looking at your whole aesthetic and like what you've done, I mean, ooh, I liken through. K, K 10, and a 10. Oh, okay. I like 10. And I think, I like it.

I like it. Thank you. Thank you. Good. And that's how I did it. Because we did have a whole like, werewolf pageant. And that was, it was a whole mess.

One, because we had to gather all the people. Some of us had to wait till full moon. I can change on my own will, but it hurts a lot. So I just kinda, yeah, yeah. I saw the excitement, so we might, you know, I might do it for you a little later. But yeah, no. You said it hurts.

Is it fast? Is it slow? Like? No, it takes about 35 minutes, because, you know, yeah, yeah, because all the bones, there's a lot of bone stretching like my feet bones Like like what would be my feet turned into that long kind of Wolf hind leg situation and then the smaller parts of my toes get a little stubby and turn into like a paw situation and And then my like fluffier tummy

and then my like fluffier tummy, it shrinks and turns into ripped abs, and my pectoral's grow three times in size. My biceps look at match-redding the traps. Crazy. Wolfman jacked. Yeah, yeah, Wolf's so 35 minutes, but you know in a pinch. 32. Yeah, when you think about it, there's a real range of werewolf transformations. I mean, some guys just look like they're themselves, but they just don't know how to shave anymore. And they're just still wearing their shirt. And you're like, I guess you're a werewolf. Yeah. I don't know if this is true.

I've heard that some, I don't want to bust any nards. I've heard that some werewolf, so it's like, they take a portrait of them as a werewolf and then they like go into human form but then it just like swoop. They swap the portraits if that makes sense. So it looks like they turn into this big as the werewolf but they actually sort of regressed into like a gristle human. Oh yeah, yes, CZ. Those are were humans. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. And they're out there. They're out there and you know, they're making a bad name for us

because they're kind of tricking everyone and thinking that's what we're like because they can do it quicker. They transform way quicker because it's easier to transform. I don't know the science or magic behind it, but it's easier to turn from a werewolf to a human than from a human to a werewolf.

Oh, it's awesome. And also lighting is big in that too, right? Oh yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, and of course, we've talked about it hundreds of times on the show, but Teen Wolf's are really good at standing on top of cards. Oh yeah, definitely.

You know, that's why I was like, I wish I was bitten while I was a teenager. Cause you know, and I wouldn't be who I am today, I'd probably be a face baller, you know, just going around doing all the face ball tricks with my wolf powers. But when you're a teenager, you're so much more likely to be bitten by a cougar. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

And then it could happen to your cousin too. Yeah. What? I didn't know that. Yeah. Well, my second question from a long time ago was... Wait, that was one question. That was one question.

My second question was, can I place a bet that by the end of this episode, your name won't be five fingered scoop poopy anymore? What are the odds on that? Oh yeah, yeah, you want to place that bet? Yeah, for 200 quits. No, 500. 500. 500? You've won because my name is no longer five finger scoop poofy

I'm yeah, I've been I've been five finger wolf man, but you know, you know, I know that I go by many names I know I think so I was honoring the scoop poopy while we talked about it But I am definitely five finger wolf man now Okay, so the pace there's no payout. It was like, the odds were like one to one. Yeah, because technically what's one that didn't exist, but you know, here's your money back. Thanks for playing. I still win. Yeah, you still win. And you remember, there is the big betting scoreboard of how, who wins, how many bets? And you know, you're, you're making your way up there. Oh, thank you. Also, I imagine there are some service fees though,

just for that money going back and forth. Oh, yeah, yeah, but you know, since we're all friends here, you're all good bet without the service fee. Don't let that get off. That's so nice. Please don't let that get out. There are so many people that ask me, oh, you know, I've known you for so many years. Why not? But they ain't got a podcast.

They ain't got a podcast where I can spread news about my business. So, I don't, you know, what do I get from it? What I get from you is, you know, hopefully, you know, someone's gonna listen to this podcast thing that you have us doing, and I'll get more business. Well, thank you, FFW. And as I've told all of our sponsors in FUN,

if the people on Earth ever figure out a way to get here to this magical land, they're gonna go right to the roosters left foot. Yeah, I know. Well, except for all the ones that go to Casshock's fire to get all that merch there at the... they're wonderful gift shops. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's a huge current bet, because aren't you? Something of a freak of nature. You're the first... a legend first of your country.

There has been rumors that some earthling name Martin Lawrence has transported to this world and you know, was a night for a bit, but the black night as they say. But yeah, I'm sorry, that sounds hilarious. Could I hear more about that? That sounds like it actually holds up pretty well. How many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know,

how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, how many of you know, The future, different otherworldly devices was able to really win over the kingdom, but

we all know. See, One, why didn't you do that? I always say over and over again to these guys, a night's tale is always better than you remember it being. Yes. And you've just proven that fact that this night came in and just burst the doors wide open. That sounds incredible. Huh, that is outstanding. Are you do you care to comment on that? Do you know if this

Martin Lawrence or I don't know if he went by any other names, probably done it hold up for that regard, but you know, I have not seen the black night, but I think I vaguely saw a trailer that was carrying the black knight through town. And as I remember, I feel like I just imagined that the story then involves a horse farting at some point. That's just a guess. Yeah. Once again, this is all legend, but allegedly yes, there was a horse that had quite a bit

of flatulence. Sign me up. I've only had a friend and they could write these wrongs together. They'd be a couple of real bad boys. Yeah, hopefully for life. Yeah, that's that's one thing that you'd want to last. I mean, you ride together, you die together and you're a bad boy. Bad boys for life.

Yeah. Hey, I hate look and I don't want to steal anyone else's catchphrases, but use it or chugged. Should we start at the beginning or someplace in each of our episodes, should we say, like, bad boys for life? That might be fun or like, blue streak. Does that one? Could be.

Is that a fun phrase? Yeah, I could do that. I suppose. Yeah, I look like bad. boy bad boys night for life. Oh So many of our own catchphrases. Do we need to just take someone else's? Yeah, we have so many Although I will say bad boys make me feel so good. You know they make me feel so good I've talked to that before. I thought you were talking about nasty boys That was nasty boys. They also do make me feel so good

But I think I was I think I usually say bad bad bad bad boys. Oh, they make me feel so good That's right. I feel like I'm right. You're right. You're right. You're fine So You're right, you're fine. So, five finger. Why is it called a mustard of werewolves? Is it because of your eyes? Is it because of the, when you get so many werewolves in one room, it's all those yellow piercing eyes? Good question, Sean.

I've been monitoring this myself. You know, there's a lot of... Because that's what a group of werewolves is called, right? A mustard? Some, some sex like to call us a mustard. And in some say, it's because it's the strength of a mustard seed, uh, when we have a pack together. But, you know, uh, I'd say because, uh,

you're a yellow belly cow, or if you need a whole pack to beat up somebody. So, uh, you know, they, different, different strokes for different wolves, I guess. So, you know, different strokes for different wolves, I guess. CIOs assumed because it was sort of complimentary to a ketchup of vampires. Ah, yes, a ketchup of vampires. Yes, you know. Because of the blood. Yes, yes, yes. I thought it was because they were very fast in order to keep up with.

It is hard to catch up with vampires, that's true. That is very true. Absolutely. It's catch up with vampires. That's true. That is very true. It's cool how with vampires and werewolves, it's just cool how all these really powerful genetics get passed down. Like sometimes when I think about it, I'm like, damn gene neology.

Like it's just really cool. How it all trickles down and you have these amazing traits. Yeah, yeah. You know, it is damn gene neology. Is that a fun little phrase? Yeah, we start saying that. Yeah, no, that's a good damn genealogy is is I don't know why I haven't been saying that more often, but you know what? That's going into the Vernack.

That short for the back. Oh, Vernack is good, though. Yeah. Oh, and also, I will say a five finger wolf man. I will say if you do open up a gift store, which talked about previously, any sort of merch, you did mention that the rooster's left foot is kind of secret. So maybe on the back of all your merch,

on the back of the t-shirts, on the back of all your merch on the back of the t-shirts, on the back of the hats, on the back of the mugs, you just put shhh. And that keeps it safe and sound. I would truly say so. Are there any downsides to having become a well-wooled? Uh, you know, I'd say so. You know, there's a lot of people who have a lot of the,

an adversion to wear wools because of, you know, certain things people know about us. And, you know, sure, a couple of times back at the roosters location I may have eaten a patron or two, but I did it out of self-defense and not because I'm a wearable. Sure. Of course. So you would have done the same if you were a human. Yeah, yeah, I'd probably would have did us more of a slid and sleep, but, you know, but that was, uh...

Yeah, it's it. Now, I'm a wearable, if I might as well use what I got. Right, that's just not being wasteful. Yes. Onnie. Onnie. Sure. Let's talk about waste a little bit, all right?

How many will lemons have you thrown at chunt tonight? A lot, especially during the break. That is wasteful. Yeah, he didn't even zest him first. Yeah, so think about how you're going to use all those lemons. Let's go to a break. I'm angry. But I am going to turn those lemons, well, we're going to a break never mind.

So my finger I've got to ask you said you can transform at will. Oh, yeah But are there any things that just sort of trigger a transformation like automatically like almost instinctually? Yes Sometimes certain parts of my body will transform without me wanting it to. Like, if I see someone who's really hot, my head turns into a wolf. I start to get large, and to calm myself down, I have to hit myself with a wooden mallet so that I can calm the wolf side of me down and keep me human. Surely your tongue doesn't lol in that instance right? Yeah, yes it does. It's painful. It's very painful but you know gotta say it's it's helped sometimes. sometimes people are flattered and you know

I you know, I did leads to a date or two See the size of that wolf's tongue. Yeah I sometimes I've even seen it where the draw drops all the way to the ground the tongue hits the ground as well and rolls out like a carpet Yeah, and trust me getting your tongue stepped on not fun Yeah, and trust me, getting your tongue stepped on, not for a little bit. Yeah. It's very painful. And people are real rude about it.

A lot of people don't clean the bottom of their boots. You know, now you're tasting all everything they stepped on. I've said for many, many years that people should consider what happens when people put their tongue on the ground. And if you aren't thinking about that, then you're a very rude person. Yeah, and if you're tongues on the ground and you're tasting like the bottom of someone's boot, like, can I just say for my experience, boot looking is disgusting. Like, oh, I hate it.

And it just, you know, it's like, why are you doing that? You know, is this truly, you know, you got to consider the moot. The moot is stepping on the backs of so many people. They don't need it to be licked. Look, guys, I love you all. And, and, and I include you in this, five-finger wolf man. But now it's starting to sound like three guys who are like,

look, I know, it's like sometimes we act then they lick the bottom of a book. We know we all hate it. Oh, why do we keep doing it? It's starting to be a little uncertain that this is accidental. Now hold on, I will admit freely that I will lick just about anything. In my search to defeat all forms of evil, there is nothing that I won't try. No stone I shall even turn.

And if that means licking everything in this very Tavin licking everything in food licking every person licking every Force floor licking every force creature licking every tree every mountain every river and dail that I shall lick it And can I just say if you had a why to then a boot? Oh lick it And you could tell a lot of stories from the bottom of a boot Mm-hmm. By the flavor of a boot you can you can tell what type of bets they're gonna make and what kind of bets they're gonna take So yeah, maybe sometimes it's not accidental But when it is it sucks. I'd really does because I don't know how you try to taste that boot

Sure can I make a bet on how many licks it takes to get to the center of a butsy, uh, uh, what are those? Oh, it's butsy, but butsy Collins. Thank you. Yes. It's kind of like a drink, right? It's like, gin. Yeah, but you know, and I hate to admit it, but I don't know. It tastes a little too funky for me. So I got up. Oh, I got to keep my tongue up with that.

Oh, you sort of, we want the funk. That's true. At times, you know, you got to funk, because the boogie comes to the funk and when you don't funk the boogie, you can't. But we get it with five year wolf man, you're saying with your tone, you got to get on off of that. Yes, exactly. Speaking of which, you know, we got to we got to mention, you know mention some kingdoms where the parliament has demanded the funk be in every drink, and I'm like, okay, we get it. I didn't know parliament made a cameo word up.

Yeah, it's truly amazing how vast the kingdoms can be. And I'm proud to be a part of it. I'm proud to know you. Oh, I'm very proud to know you as well. I know you. And the fact that you let us bet without the fees is very kind, just for the return of some promotional airtime here on our Amiga little podcast. It means a lot to us. How can I place... Can I place just one more bet? A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- like any other that has been seen. Ooh. What are the odds on that? Are they good or are they not so good?

Huh. Let me check the books. Okay. This is going to be based on how many. That's... And while you're checking the books, can you also check to see what the odds are on us starting every episode with bad boys? Ooh, okay, alright. Okay. Okay.

All right. Looking at everything, checking it out. So who's it or? Oslo for you, John. Okay. It's high. It's very high. Wow. Okay.

Someone say the highest odds. Wow. Yeah. So if anybody's listening now, I'd tell you, my as well, start looking for what do it. Yeah. Mark, your calendar. You sir, let me just tell you, odds low, surprisingly expensive.

There is Norway. I would ever place a bet on odds low. It is, everything is so expensive. OK. But hey, you do it. It's your coin. You spend it how how you want but it adds up very quickly It's not a cheap. It's not a cheap time. Okay. I suppose I don't have to make that bet I suppose I could do something else and maybe I'll just finish instead

Five finger before you go would you mind if I answer an email written in by one of our listeners? Oh, yeah, go ahead. And you know what? Just go ahead and start the transformation process. Sure. The way I'm trying to do it. Yeah, yeah. We know you are. Yeah. We wanted to see it, so I'm going to go ahead and, uh, so I can do it.

All right. Well, while that happens, listeners, you can always email us at Magic Tavern, a puppy's going to go ahead and do it. So why don't you do it with me? Well, while that happens, listeners, you can always email us at Magic Tavern at Puppy's House. Otherwise, it's a really male address. Or if you remember the Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tab and you've got this thing's messy. Oh, this is what this, oh yeah, that looks like hurts.

Uh, ugh. Keep going, it's not. Just the back of his hands. Ugh. Ugh. It gets to the joints. Ugh. Ugh.

You could do it. Uh, uh, uh. Anyway, this email is, my question is for Yusidor. I know you are totally not faking your death, Wink, and they wrote out the Wink. But if you were, wouldn't the goddess's Fuu and Un know that you're faking? Or is there maybe like an auditor of wizards who make sure their true purpose has been fulfilled? Marcus. An auditor of wizards, I think not.

I answer only to the goddesses and of course, they know everything. They're just very busy being in charge of all of creation. So the three goddesses, you know, they have to create everything. They're just very busy being in charge of all of creation. So the three goddesses, you know, they have to create everything. They had to create all the new brunch menus that everyone puts out every week. And they had to invent the entire concept of brunch centuries ago. So give them a fucking break if they don't catch everything in the first like 100 years or so. So what you're saying is you're sort of like a someone that's like, of course, I'm a very pious man. But God doesn't have time to notice my sins.

Yeah, exactly. They're very busy. And you know, they're always kind of coming up with new concepts and, you know, new techniques for, you know, promoting their great work of creation. You know, it's kind of transitioned from being a job where it's a very creative gig, to be more about marketing and branding. Oh, mother fuck! Five fingers legs just turned at the same time as butt did.

Alright. Yeah, same, that's the same. Ah, ah, ah, don't worry. We're onward. Oh, actually, we got a long road ahead of us. You're wearing it. We're on way. Oh, actually, we got a long road ahead of us. I'm going to work in the 20 minutes left. It's only been back of hands and button legs.

I know. And there's a lot of throwing up involved in this process. I know to say. Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that it's a treat. Yeah. Back of hands, button legs, button legs. That'sah! Mac of hands, butt and legs, butt and legs. Let's go. Oh, what you said, though, this reminds me.

While you were out, a wolf with bat wings came in and delivered a scroll for you. Scary. It looks like you're being wizard-audited? What? Uh, by... wait, by who? By the great Iris in the sky. You don't want to fuck with the Iris. Hey, you said or it's fine to owe the Iris money,

but it's not okay to lie to the Iris. The Iris always knows. Never lie to the Iris. I just... It's always searching, always scanning for any sort of... What am I looking for here, Arnie? Any sort of... Yeah, what's the word? Uh...

Bullshit? Yes, Bullshit, thank you. All right, fine, I suppose I'm being audited. Another exciting magic tavern plotline. Ha ha ha ha. Thanks, Marcus. Ah. All right, now he's got teeth.

Well, that is more teeth. Yeah, I don't like it there. Wow, 5-Inkr, I would never have guessed it would be possible for your voice to get cooler than it already was, but somehow it did Arnie I have it's not an email, but I have some sort of letter here a sort of tattered paper in an envelope It says hey Arnie, I'm coming for you love ass math Love ass math. PS, your ass is math.

Is this another person coming to fight you? Wait, is there someone named ass math? And they're gonna make your ass do math? Is that, is that like a math challenge? Oh, no, my greatest weakness. My inability to do math. And my great ass. You knew this was a podcast. You didn't know this would be a masterclass in creating tension. We can wait while you take notes, Mike Flanagan.

Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the talking badger was played by Adolf Refyre. Five Finger Wolfman was portrayed by special guest, Ifi Noirderway. Follow Ifi on Twitter at IfiNoirderway or visit his website ificomedy.com. Hello from the Magic Taven is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Taven Patreon. People like this list of names I'm holding up. Oh right, audio medium.

Very well, people like Andrew Yarrick, Tabs Magabs, Cat reporter from the 1940s, Preston, Nigel Stokes, Linda Cruz, Mary Schoolfield, Tim Boosey, Cosmo, Sarah K. Hermans, Widget, Thomas Holloway, Kansai, and Donnie Drama. I'm still waiting to meet your cousin Donnie even keel. Patrons get a free blowout every Wednesday between 5 and 630, but only if Michelle has availability in the chair. They also get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog including all the previous spin-offs like offices and bosses and hate tavern tavern, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. I've also been told to share that the Magic Tavern Discord has some pretty great Magic Tavern memes, and having been personally targeted in more than one of them, I will say,

memes are the art form of the future and it takes a special kind of genius to add text to an existing drawing. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Nikamp, Matt Young, and Adolfiah. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adlerd Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Okay, there, from people of Earth all the way to Poland. One more episode done. I've been told the director should be here any moment.

Look, this whole operation is bizarre, but I'm willing to do my part. If me, introing this podcast is saving reality from some eldritch horror, as silly as that seems, I can commit to that. I just need to understand a little more. Yeah, well the director will explain everything. Don't worry, you're in good hands. I hope so. Yes sir. Okay, he's coming now. Hello Tim, we've got an awful lot to talk about.

My name is Director Ward. Director Ward, why does that name sound familiar? Um, uh, yeah, yeah, if I finger wolf, man, I'm so sorry. I really want to see the end of this, but I have to go, uh, I have to go, uh, look for some wizard receipts. You said 35 minutes. It's been an hour. It's been so long. I just haven't drank out of water.

I'm sorry, this I just want to have that drink out of water. I'm sorry, this is what's happening all the time. No! Water would help. Let's just get in some water. Let me get some water out of the hair. Everywhere's left. Between it being so late and he just makes noises. It's run all the business. You know what? Honestly, I think I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I? Honestly, I think I... Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

I think I was like, was my friend's birthday? No, no, you didn't, your throat wasn't slay. Charlie, go ahead and... Barely choked. Alright, look. Hey, five finger, will you just gonna take off? Whenever you've done, can you just turn off the lights and lock up? Alright, you can...

I have someone on my hand. Someone on my hand, on your... Just turn off the lights and lock up Three said sounded like it was important Just like just lock up just fuck it. Let's just go. Let's just go. Just lock up. We're gonna go guys There's a good Tomorrow and this is gonna be a dead werewolf on the floor Dead half werewolf Well good luck with that I feel like he should have waited until he saw a hot woman should have waited until he saw a hot woman.