Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 6 - Town Daddy's Brother (w/ John Hodgman)

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

The beloved Town Daddy has been murdered. But the Town Daddy's suspicious brother is here.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungKevrat, the Town Uncle: John HodgmanMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSecret Names: DisplacerYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, there are worlds beyond your own. Alternate dimensions fill with horrors and delights that will stretch the limits of your imagination, all hovering behind thousands of doorways hiding in plain sight. That's what they want you to believe, but I'm here to tell you Earth, it's just you. That's it. So if you're looking to venture beyond your everyday reality, I don't know, Greenland, I've heard those flotation tanks can get kind of wild, maybe microtos, after you've arranged childcare, and for wholesome, utterly synthetic escapism, this podcast.

Not at all a living document explaining what happens when you wind up in the wrong dimension at the wrong time and stay there for four years and counting. Also, I normally save Patreon news for after the episode when no one's listening, but I'm unpredictable. Season one of the Magic Tavern Spin-Off series Earth Games is now available to all Patreon supporters.

All seven episodes dropped into the Patreon feed last week for your listening, let's say, enjoyment? Get more info at patreon.com slash magic tavern. Now, prepare those human ear canals for varying sound waves that approximate recorded voice and public domain sound effects, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

About 6 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still giving a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of fume. Luckily I'm still giving a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded now here in the strange familiar a tavern in the town of nibble bottom at the base of the unnamed bull mountain in the magical land of fume. And I am joined as always by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby. How's it going, buddy? Pretty good, pretty good.

Just it's, you know, it started to get a little colder here and middle bottom. I guess it gets, since we're, by the mountain, I guess it gets cold a little earlier than I'm used to in phone. Yeah, it has been a little chilly. I mean, I guess since I have all this fur, I haven't really noticed, but I've noticed you sort of rubbing your arms, so that's pretty cute.

Also, I'm very tall, so my circulation could be better, so that also could be why I'm rubbing my arms. Sure, sure. Feel my nose. Oh, it's very cold. Boop, freezing. All right, yeah, that was a cold boop. You know, speaking of my fur,

I was thinking about something recently. I, you know, I talked about possibly running for town Zaddy. So now you're going to run for town Zaddy, possibly. But I was thinking town Zaddy, you know, I've been talking to the locals and town Zaddy supposed to be one of the sexiest people in town. So I was thinking, so you're thinking that's not for you is what you're going to say. Well, now I'm having doubts, but I thought, you know, maybe you had some tips because you're beautiful already.

Now I thought maybe there's some tips for how to become sexy. I thought to maybe Shave all my hair because bald is beautiful. I've been talking to lingerie. Do you know Lon Jerry? He kind of sits on his lawn and he gives little sexy tips and stuff But you talking to him, but the first time you mentioned lingerie, you said his name slightly differently. You said, Oh, I'm drunk. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Longeurie. You know, sometimes I'm drunk and I slurmer words. Sure. Sorry, what was lingerie's suggestion? He told me to confide in someone because he said, Confidence is sexy. Sure.

So can I confide in you? Can I make you a confidant? Please. Yeah. And also thank you for I was gonna drop the whole fact that I was a few other people that said that I'm beautiful, Arnold, now. Thank you for bringing that back up

because it sounds bad if I bring it up, but if you do, I just thank you just sincerely. Yeah, of course, I'm trying to help you out. Since you're helping me out, possibly I'm gonna help you out. Please confide in me. Okay, here's my little secret. I'm gonna do it with this. Okay, also I'm trying to help you out since you're helping me out possibly I'm gonna help you out. Please get fired in me Okay, here's my little secret Okay, also I'm recording I hate the taste of grubs Chun

Yeah, I'm starting to question everything I know about you My friendly little badger buddy you you hate the taste of grubs. Yeah, they're gross It's like eating a pimple. It's awful. Then why don't you spend so much time scratching and scratching in the ground? If not to get grubs. Keeping up appearances, my good man. Mm. If I don't eat grubs, people are gonna be like,

what's that thing? You know, when I'm trying in this town, I'm trying to get a fresh start in new beginning. I don't wanna shapeshift too much. So, you know, I'm trying to give off appearances. Nice. Being a badgerger but I choke them down honestly I choke them down.

Sure. Speaking of choking them down. Halt bringing our other co-host, Usa or the Wizard. I am Usa door, Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulite of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trockus, the Edubes Numius being Yaluk. The Dwarves Nomius, Zodyn and Hook Sting Svying Yalak, the Dwarves, Nomiya, Zonen and Hook Stenges, and I am known on the North East as Gaspwinius Mastar, and now I am happy

to announce that I have been officially nominated for a Wizard's Choice Award. What? Oh my goddesses, congratulations, you said or this is you! It's a issue that the nomination has officially come through. Yes, well, I mean, I was lobbying for it pretty hard. I bought some bull boards where you just paint a board and put it on the side of a bull. Uh-huh. And they've been roaming around trying to drum up some support for me.

Uh, so... How far can those bulls travel? As far as a bull can go. Should have a bull go. Huh Shut how far can a bull go? Huh, I want to say three hours? Not three hours. Yeah. If it's a tantric bull. Oh, okay. And after that it starts to sting. You sir, what were you nominated for?

Yeah, what could it possibly be that you got nominated for? How dare you. For finally extinguishing that that that darkness Reign of a phone for so long that terrible blight upon our land the dark Lord's death. I know it is He got voted most incredulous wizard. Yeah, is that what your nomination is most incredulous? No Here you said let me see the scroll that you have. It's clatched in your hand. No. There you go. Nominated for defeating the Dark Lord.

Thank you very much. Although Yusur, it says he're nominated posthumously. Well, everyone assumes I'm going to disappear because now I've completed my true purpose, but we don't. Yeah, we shouldn't. Oh, can I accept the award if you win? No, I truly would love to, please. No, I'm not, I will be here.

I'm just saying I have stage presence. I hosted Chants Night and I, you know, famously presented at the Dead Kids Choice Award one year. So I know how to work a crowd and accept an award. Uh-huh. I don't talk enough about that, that time you hosted the, what was it again the dead kids choice award I think we talked about it plenty. I think that I may need to accept the award myself

But if you think we need to start planning away to fake my death, we should talk about that I mean the wizard the other wizards are gonna start asking questions Yeah, yeah, oh I didn't think about that. Oh, I gotta think about this. Oh, can you make yourself appear as a hollard Graham? Yes, of course. I could make myself appear as any cracker. Yeah, that would be cool Because then people might assume you're dead. Yeah, it's like a pre-recorded hollard Graham and people would assume you're dead But you're really you know, you're really working your magic back stage. I have a field grab Sesame wafer a weak thing I cannot tell me what cracker you want me to be and I shall transform that you're really, you know, you're really working your magic backstage. I have a field grab, a Sesame Wafers, a Wheat Finn, I cannot tell me what cracker you want me to be in. I shall transform mineself into such.

Ooh, you have Sesame Wafers, can you open Sesame Wafers? Yeah, I can open Sesame Wafers. Thank you. Guys, I've totally stopped listening to the last minute or so, but, you know, Arnie, you don't have to say that, it's implied. Okay, that's fair. I've stopped listening to the last couple of years or so,

but you know the posthumous portion of the Wizard Choice Awards this year is probably gonna be pretty big. You know, a Yusidor, although obviously you're not really dead. The Dark Lord, although, actually not really dead. Telefits the white who is actually dead, but still that's gotta be a higher average than usual Wizard deaths for a year Yeah, too many year that's big I

They usually do that long Tribute to all the wizards who have died this year Goes on for a few minutes even though no one's in it Can I just say if I get to attend which I hope I do When they show your image I'm gonna clap and cheer even if they say hold your clap and cheer is to the end. Oh, that's very nice of you, Chant. What a good friend. Because fuck that, that's my friend up there, you know?

Hey, I'm just saying. You're talking about the way it's choice awards. Speak with a little more respect. Sorry. I'll try to make it. What, what do you mean? What else do you have to do? I mean, I don't know, when,

I don't know what night of the week it is. It's always on a Sunday. Hey guys Yeah, yeah, yeah, someone's trying to get our attention at the doll table. What yeah? Climb this ladder and join you at the doll table. Oh, please please do or yes, are need you to invite this guy? No, but you know what? It's isn't it always so great whenever I forget to book a guest? Someone comes along. These guys really, really shugging up this ladder. Wow, this is a tall table.

Here you go. It's a pretty tall table. Look around, Bucket. Look at you guys. You must be pretty, pretty important here in the town of Neville Bottom to be up on the tall table. Yes, I like it. What were you calling the town earlier?

Oh, it's the town of Neville Bottom, all the way. Neville Bottom, that's what I thought. Although you might be referring to Neville Bottom, the town like two villas. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm talking about this town. This town right here. You guys live in this town or what? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, say that. Of course, have you established residency at the town office? Or no. I just...

I have all of my birds re-rooted here so that all my male comes to this town. All right, all right. I like you, dead wizard. I like you a lot. What about you, drunk badger? Oh, you're a voter in this town or no? Because I can't waste my time. I go a lot.

I'm not... I don't think I registered to vote. Arnie, I got all my ducks in a row and then those ducks went into a pond and they had all my papers and the papers got wet and disintegrated. Oh, that's always ducks with you. That's cool, that's cool, that's cool, that's cool. We got, we got same day registration here in, Oh, and, and,

Oh, that's, that's fantastic. Oh, you have again, you might be referring to the village, it's two villager. No, no, no, no, I'm talking about this town, this town right here. What did you call it again? A nibble bottom? Nibble bottom, exactly. Arnie, are you drunk? Oh, nice.

Have we been in nibble bottom the whole time and you told us wrong? I mean, I, now I think about it. Am I the only person that's been saying the name of this village? I might be wrong. Some people who speak romance languages pronounce their visas-bees.

I don't understand it. But, hey, you're here now, right? So Badger, you got a hole here in Neville, bottom or no? Do I have a hole here? I have two holes. Yeah, why? Where do you reside? Oh, sorry to switch the B to V, I have two VUT holes. You have two VUT holes? All right, I get you. I get a wordplay. I get it. I like it. Badgers are known for it. All right. But you also have a hobble. Yes, I have a hobble. I'm sorry, a hobble. A hobble? You have a hobble hole? You're in the Neville bomb?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Do you need to see my papers? Because that's fine. That's good. What about this human? You got voting rights here. You've registered voter here and that's fine.

You know what? I haven't done. I mean, if it can be same day, I definitely would like to vote. No, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is good. Two out of three isn't bad. That's what I always say.

You know what I say. Two out of three isn't bad. That's what I always say, you know what I say. Two out of three isn't bad. That's what your shirt says. It's not you guys. Yeah, I know. Like it, two out of three isn't bad. You know what I mean? That would be a perfect shirt for this podcast, frankly.

Look, I don't do math, but I think that's about 66%. Oh, I'm saying. A strong majority in voting sense, if you know what I mean. Yes, absolutely. I'm gonna say strong majority in voting sense if you know what I mean. Oh. Yes, absolutely. Arnie doesn't like math either. Uh, a friend. Uh, this is Arnie.

This is Chunt. Oh, hello. I am Yusador, and it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Great. Cool, that's great. My name is Kevrot. Hello. Kevrot.

Kevrot. Hello. You can call me Kev. Uh, or you could call me a town uncle. But I hope pretty soon. Oh, you'll be calling me town daddy. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, so are you running for town daddy? Formality. You know what I mean? Formality. Sure. Because it's family. You know what I mean? Oh, it's family for me. Arnie, that's what the back of his shirt says.

The front says two out of three ain't bad, and the back has the number four and then Malady. I mean, there are hundreds of things written on this shirt. I'm sure we'll get through all of them eventually. Yeah, basically what I'm doing is I'm going through the town to the never-bottom. Have people sign things on my shirt for some reason. Oh, fun! Is your shirt a cast?

I have to ask. Little sangs. Yeah, well my entire torso is broken. Oh. It's one of the reasons I can't get. Little sings, yeah, well my entire torso is broken. It's one of the reasons I can't get a job. Oh no, so sorry we made you come on the ladder. No, no, no, no, no, no, it's worth it. Because the fact is, I am on disability, you know what I mean? Sure.

And some people feel like, because of the fact that I've never held a job in my life, and my brother, Alexeyon, was town daddy. But I'm somehow less than. Do you know what I mean? Sure. And you know, he died mysteriously. Mm-hmm.

And that's just news, right? I don't know anything about that. That's just news. No one wants to know what happened pretty much. And me, I say my condolences, I've heard that Alexeyon, the former town daddy, was beloved and it was a real blow. Oh, sure. Oh, sure.

Everyone loved Alexeyon, the former town daddy. Arnie, why is Kev putting his finger down his face as if there's a tear but in his orchestral way? Yeah, I don't know why, maybe it's because my brother, Alexeyon was always the golden child, you know? Everything was always handed to him. He didn't break his torso and go on disability. He got to go to college, you know,

because he applied to college, and he made a lot of money because he got a job, and then all of a sudden he's town daddy. How is that fair? I ask you, right? So it might lead to understand that you're broken torso? In some way, kept you from applying for college? Yeah, I couldn't go to college with a broken torso.

I could barely climb up this tall table. That's a good point. Kev, I would like to do something nice for you because honestly, I like you. You seem very charming. And I don't know what's Kev, the town uncle. Kev, can I get you a seem very charming and Love's kev the town uncle Kev can I get you a drink perhaps an ale? Yes, an ale okay. What was the other thing you were gonna say? Oh rainbow bowl a King's juice

All right one of each I don't care. Let's have fun. All right Ah, honey damn. He's a cool. He's a cool town uncle. Yeah, let me talk. Let me talk let me talk to the let me talk to the waiter because I know this guy sure Rubin Rainbow rainbow bowl rainbow bowl rainbow go three rainbow bowls. Okay, plus one of each for me. It's on the wizard All right, thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. Of course. That's a kind of you. Thank you so much, Kevin That's very kind of you. Yeah, look. Look here's the thing. I know how to party. You know what I mean? Did Alexey on know how to party? No, we never knew him. Oh, no. Why was he beloved? I mean, honestly, why did everyone like him as town daddy? Well, I will say, um, I've got a rhetorical question.

I'm asking you for reals. Oh, um, well, I'll rotational, but we'll go around the circle first. Sure human. Oh I guess when we talked to whizzla the windsprite of the washing well She said that He did a good job of keeping the goo that knows no names away from the town. Yeah, she's an ex-girlfriend of mine. She'll say anything Oh All right badgerger, talk. Why? Why? Why? Why? I never knew him, but you said he was the golden child,

and personally, I think the golden child was massively underrated. I think it has a lot of funny bits in there. I think, you know, classic, badger. I guess. That would be my guess. That would be a little China that came out the same summer, better movie. Go really? Really? Use a door. Why?

Why? Why did we love this guy? This guy was a drag, Alexiana. They could have called him Alexiana the drag, but they call him Alexiana the beloved. Tell me, you tell me why. I grew up with him. I don't understand it.

Everything that I've read about Alexiana since I've been here leads me to believe that he was fiscally responsible, but kind of a tight ass. Oh, totally. Yeah, he was fiscally responsible, but kind of a tightass. Ugh, totally. Yeah, he was fiscally responsible, but do you know what else I think? Kind of a tightass, I made that up. Ha ha ha ha.

You know that- Well played. You know that primogeniture, you know what that word means? No. Do your own research. Look it up. Primogeniture. The eldest son is supposed to get everything, right?

That's me. That's me,'s me Kevra kev town uncle Kevin I didn't know you were the oldest oh yeah. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh actually, I was my baby brother a little creep My mom and dad they skipped me and gave everything to him and why why do they do that? Because I broke my torso and good work Because I sent my allowance on pipe weed and a 200 gallon aquarium to keep my flame sharks. How was that fair? Whoa, wait, you have flame sharks? Of course I have, yeah, I have an incredible look

in my lean too on the edge of town. I have a 200 gallon aquarium full of flame sharks and these things, this is not a hobby, okay? The upkeep has got to be not easy on a flame shark. No, well, I mean, you try keeping a flaming shark in water alive. Oh yeah, I heard that it boils the water, it evaporates, and you have to refill that aquarium every day. You got to be get, that's right.

I mean, look, it's an investment, but do you know what? For me, it's worth it. Because these flame sharks, for me, they're like, they save my life, right? They're, they're basically service animals. Sure. Because I didn't just break my torso. I got diagnoses from all of the best roots in town.

I have like brain fog. You know, I got glaucoma. I got generalized, can't wake up before noon syndrome. Oh, I might have that, I might have that. You know what I mean? I can't wake up before noon syndrome. Oh, I might have that, I might have that. You know what I mean? I can't help it. I can't go to work, quote unquote, like Alexion and earn money.

I gotta stay at home and care to my flame sharks. They keep me, they keep me, I stare at them. They calm me down. Pretty soon I become them. And also the psychoprons that are in there very important. These are my service animals. Well, that's wonderful. I'm glad they've brought you such peace and happiness, and I'm sure that upkeep is difficult with the price of oil being what it is. But I have to wonder if it's so difficult for you to work, even now, why do you want to become the town daddy?

Because I would be so great at being town daddy. Okay, yeah. You got my vote. You got my vote. Who was voting there? I was looking around the table. Sorry, Chuck here. Two quick things.

One, you have my vote. And two, if you have psychoprons, may I also suggest you get some languish steens, put those in the aquarium, they get along great. Languish steens? Those are like lazy lobsters, they're just languish. Absolutely. You know why psychopron is called a psychopron?

Um, I see. Because they have tiny little knives, and they'll fucking cut anything? No, they're hallucinogens, my man. Excuse me, my badger. Oh, oh. Cascassette. Wow.

I raise them, so I eat them, and then I get insights, right? Oh, really? Wow. And one of the insights I had is, don't be such a, can I, can I swear you can't say? Oh yeah, I mean, oh, I should probably tell you, we are recording this, but it's being sent to a world that is filthy, like real garbage mouth world.

Sure, that all makes sense to me. Don't be such a fucking tight ass like Alexia. Do you know what I mean? You live your life. Oh, live your life, that's, I found it on the shirt. You saw it there? It's in the armpit for some reason. That doesn't mean it's not important.

In a lot of ways, I'm the armpit of my family. But I'm bringing wisdom. Let me ask you guys a question. Oh, please. Yeah. Do you like eating grubs? Oh, Arnie, don't, Arnie, don't, don't, very much so. Alright.

Hey, this may surprise you. Good for you, Dead Wizard. Thank you. Next, human. Do you like eating grubs? I do not. I'm trying to remember if I should. No, me, a human.

No, I don't. I don't eat. Well, let's just say insect and larval proteins are going to save this alternate universe. Sure. So maybe you should get to liking them. Do you know what I mean? At least try them for once.

Open your mind, human. And, Kev, you should be more positive about your own universe. Like, I know to me it's an alternate universe, but, you know, I feel like that's the kind of mentality of someone who's a little bit overshadowed by the universe. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I am not my brother, right? I am not here to paint a happy picture about what is going on in Neville Bottom. I'm here to say what is truly happening, to speak some truth for once. And at that time, sometimes that picture, it's not a pretty picture.

Sometimes it's a garbage picture that you find a dump. One of the things that's true about Neville Bottom is unsustainable protein chain. So think about eating some grubs human. But let me ask the badger. Can I just say, I love you. You really lance from the hip. I hear you're really speaking to me, man.

Do I like grubs? Let me think about that. Do you like, no, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, I won't overthink. Don't, don't think about it. Here, have a cyclopron. Ooh, okay, you like, no, no, don't, don't, don't, I want to overthink. Don't, don't think about it. Here, have a cyclopron. Ooh, okay, you know, mortal. All right, that'll help you get in touch

with your intuitive side. When he had you do that cyclopron, I saw the cuff is where it says, those are my shut up vows. It's true, I have a cuff on this full torso cast that I'm wearing. I also have beautiful, bejeweled cufflinks. Why?

Because I'm a cool dude, but I have style. Yeah. Yeah. Stiles is full body cast, I've ever seen. Stop beating around the badge, and let me badge you this badge. Do you like eating? Crubs, do you like it?

Now ask me, do you do it? Yep. Now ask me, should you like it? Yes. Do you like eating? Crubs. Shakes my head, no? While saying yes. Now, as soon as you should you like it, as soon as you do you like eating crumbs. Shakes my head, no, while saying yes. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

be true to yourself, Badger. Be true. Okay. Well, I'm really starting to feel a tingle in my throat and a throbbing in my eyes. All right. That is definitely the result of the psychopronz. You're either about to have a profound altered state

experience or a terrible allergic reaction. You said or, you said or, yes. You noticed that when Chant said, shaking my head, no, but saying yes, his head was completely still. Well, he just ate the psychoproody. Probably has some motor control. What do you guys, what's your ring about?

Oh, and he's drunk. I forgot he's already drunk. We've got to say, rainbow bowls. Thank you, Rude. Hey, man. Hey! Rainbow bowls! Thank you, Rubin! Hey! It's been a long time since we've had a rainbow bowl, and I'm very excited to send my mind through time. Cheers! Cheers, everybody! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!

I contact! I contact! Everyone contact! I contact! All right, now listen. I didn't get this badger high for nothing. I want an answer, fine. Okay, okay, okay, okay, chunt. They can't hear you think if there's one thing for certain nobody can hear you think So just keep thinking on your head, okay, and time is surely slowed down So I have thousands of hours to suss this out. Do you like reps now? You might have overheard me earlier in which case if I say I do he knows I'm lying and if he knows I'm lying

He's gonna assume that I'm not sure. Arnie is this episode going to be thousands of hours long. Right, I think he's gonna be. Maybe we can cut it up into about 20 or 30 episodes. I do this too. Oh, holy damn. But formally, I don't know if he- Hey, Chand, me to run his channel.

Yeah, Chand, yes? Listen, I've had a lot of psychoprons in my life, and I wanna help you guide you through this experience. Oh. Are you currently feeling, I don't know how I determine the paranoid? Paranoid. Little paranoid? Paranoid?

Little paranoid, right? Yeah. How did you know to say that? Let me do something that I think is really going to blow your mind. Oh no, don't blow that nut. Now, which one is poison? Why surely would not drink the bowl in front of me? Anyway, while this badger goes down a mind-spire, let me explain to you, human and dead wizard.

What's going on here? Sure. First of all, I didn't poison any other way. Okay. I am not a poisoner. No matter what they say, sure, Alexion was poisoned by someone. Oh, someone poured poison into his ear.

Was that literal poison or the metaphor of slander? I don't know, I'm not here to tell you, I don't poison anybody. I'd give them psychotropic prawns for them to eat so they can meet their inner beings. That's what I'm saying. I'm asking this badger if he likes teacrubs because I know from earlier because I was listening without permission to your conversation, but he doesn't, right? But he feels forced to eat grubs because in his current incarnation he's a badger. Why should anyone live that way, lying to themselves into the world, embrace your inner truth.

Would town daddy Alexian tell you to do that? No, he'd tell you to be a good citizen, go to work and pay taxes. What am I going to tell you? Well, I'm town daddy. I'm going to say, eat a bunch of psychotropic prongs, collect samurai swords, and stay home and look at your fish. Yeah, we do need some taxes, though,

to help people who are in need and to have good social programs, especially now that the Dark Lord's gone. There's a lot of rebuilding to do. Boy, oh boy, listen to this bougie fuck. All right, fine. Go ahead. Go ahead. When you're insulting other people and not me, I'm liking you more and more.

You've got my vote. Well, the thing is, you don't vote in this universe. Oh. So honestly, Arnie, you kind of don't exist to me. You don't exist to me right now. Because here's the thing. As far as I'm concerned, I should be town daddy, right? Sure.

My brother was town daddy. I'm his older brother. I'm already town unki. Why isn't this automatic? Because there are rules in this town of Neville Bottom? There's gotta be some kind of election. Suddenly it's a popularity contest. And how could that work when I'm obviously popular?

But I gotta go from high table to high table and make my case. If that does only seem fair, that you make a case for what your positions are and what you stand for, and how you hope to race up the people of Foon, the people here in Nivell Bottom, and make sure that their lives are better. You have an opportunity as town uncle soon

to be town daddy to help us all grow back better. Well, here is the thing. I know a lot of people in town are a little upset and concerned because some unknown person who was not me, yeah, poisoned Alexian the town daddy that was apparently bedloved. I want to tell you kids. It was Rubin. No, it was, hang on a second. Rubin. You poisoned the town daddy? He can't hear me right now, he's down on a second. Ruben, you poisoned the town daddy? He can't hear me right now, he's down on the floor. I wanna tell you kids something.

Yeah, Unkie? I'm not here to replace your town daddy. You know, I just wanna be your new town daddy, but I can't replace that guy. He was important to you, That guy, that guy was my brother. Mm-hmm. Well, he and your mom had was special, really special. Wait, what do you know about him and my mom?

I'm just saying that he's dead now, and I'm gonna have sex with his wife and make all the rules. And you're gonna call it me daddy now because now we're family. That's what I'm saying. That's my stump speech. What do you think? We're my high table speech. So you're almost like a town-step daddy. I would prefer you not call me that. I was good. Town-daddy is dead. I'm gonna be town-daddy now.

And things are gonna be different. I always wanted a family. I'm gonna take you out on dungeon quests and sword festivals and squid games. Did your town-daddy ever do that for you? No, my daddy doesn't know what a squid game is. Yeah, and I'm not just talking about fun times. I'm talking about we're gonna relate,

and listen to you, and hear your feelings. We're gonna take psychedelic shrimps, and we're gonna grok each other. It's gonna be cool. This sounds excellent to me. All I want to do is look at flame shocks all day. Aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw,

aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, Yeah, you think the wizards are gonna choose some begging sorcerer who can't make up his own mind? Yeah, you bougie fuck. Whoa chunt, huh? Did I say that out loud? I feel you now that rainbow bowl you put in for me I ate it. I ate the bowl. I ate the bowl You ate the bowl, but you left the liquid right which is always my plan. Come on Bring it in, Shunt. Give me a hug. Cove your town daddy. Oh, town daddy. I love your town daddy. Look, this is my town daddy. Just because it's weird mind games doesn't make it a cult. That's what I say. That's written on my shoulder blade. Oh, Arnie, have you met my town daddy? He could beat up your town daddy.

But if he's nominated town daddy, he'll be both of our town daddy. Shut up, you don't understand. I could be everyone's town daddy if everyone votes for me or at least two out of three. Honestly, six out of ten. Honestly, 5.1 out of ten. Honestly, 3.9 out of 10 if a third party runs. Oh. Kev, while you do that math, Arnie, should we take a quick break? Yeah, let's take a quick break. So, Kevron, please call me town daddy. Oh, sorry, town daddy elect.

Potential town daddy. It's gonna happen, I put my intention into the universe. Do you have any theories about how your brother, Alexian, was murdered or by who? Wow, very sensitive subject. This is my brother you're talking about. I guess that is kind of a rude question. Why are you, I mean, it's sort of out of bounds in a way.

Do you know what I mean? Wow, Arnie, how rude. Like my brother was murdered. You don't even vote in Nagelbottom. Why would you even ask, what do you agossip columnist? You know what I mean? I understand this as politics, no holds barred. That's not the way I think it should be.

I think it should be my brother dies by mysterious hands and I get the job. But here we are. We're in politics. I get questions are going to be asked. But honestly, honestly, Arnie, that's a little bit offensive to me. It is very offensive, Arnie, and you should apologize, but it does make me realize you have a motivation

to kill your own brother. If that means you become the town daddy. What? What? Obviously, first of all, I didn't know you had to run for town daddy when my brother died. Well, that makes you more suspicious. Wow! How?

That just means I didn't know even know what the process was. At that point, that's weirdly unrelated detail to bring up. Have you read my book? No. Vacation land? What's that vacation land? No, I've never heard of that. Sorry, I wanted to ask you, Town Daddy.

Could I borrow the keys to the cart to drive to the land where I want a vacation? Uh, yes. Can I- Well, I don't think you should- I don't think you should be driving right now. Because you're fucked up, badger, definitely not. That's true. I'm so fucked up, it looks like to me, and I know this isn't the reality, but it looks like to me that the contents of the Rainbow bowl that I didn't drink has burned through the table.

Is that what rainbow bowl juice does to your stomach? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Wow, I didn't drink it. And I'm seeing the same thing. You didn't drink any of the rainbow bowl? No. Oh, and you're asking about how my brother died. Weird.

Use a door and I buy you an expensive drink, Ruben brings it over. In a protective bowl, you don't even sup from the rainbow bowl that I buy for you. And then you're all about, what happened to your brother? You're launching all kinds of accusations. Yes, sup, Arnie, sup. Yes, sup, Arnie.

I love him, nothing's sup, nothing's sup, nothing's sup. Stop it. Why are you trying to point a finger back at Kev? Yeah, sup, Arnie. I'm not even having something sup, nothing sup, nothing sup. What's- Why are you trying to point a finger back at Kev? Perhaps you have something you want to admit you've done. Like a murder. That's a very good point. I didn't even think about that. I'm feeling like I'm on a luxury train across the equivalent in this world of Siberia. Why are you so interested in knowing who the murderer is

and casting aspersions upon me, Kev, when I have an obvious alibi? Oh yeah, what is that? You have an alibi? Why didn't you bring up the alibi sooner? Yeah, alibi is obvious. I was in my lean to all night on the edge of town taking care of my flame sharks alone. Oh

Check out. Yeah, I mean they need a lot of tender loving care constant attention. Hey, they don't speak any language We know they cannot corroborate that I was there. No one saw me, but I'm telling you I was there where were you Arnie on that very night. I mean I guess when we heard the town daddy had died on that very night. I mean, I guess when we heard the town daddy had died, he had died a few days before we arrived in the village, so... The perfect cover. That's what you used to do, or? Oh, were you?

Were you with me the entire time? Yes! Wow, the perfect cover. Arnie, little cover girl. Killin' Kevrons. Brothers, that right? I mean, I guess we were between seasons so we weren't recording anything so I can...

Between seasons. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm, I'm but a simple flame shark and psychopron, obvious, wearing a full torso cast. I don't know what these magical machines are on this table. I don't even know what a machine is. What is a season other than a harvest time versus a time for rest? Or for me, all of it is a time for rest. What the fuck? How did he start wearing suspenders? And he has a glass of lemonade and a little cloth to mop his brow. It doesn't matter. Take this fan and fan yourself. I'll be listening. Oh, bother.

Ladies and gentlemen and other kinds of people and creatures of this fair tavern. What is between seasons, if not a time, when you are unobserved, when you are able to do whatever you want, such as sneak into the town daddy Palazzo, sneak up upon the town daddy as he slumbers and drip little bits of flame shark blood into his ear, a deadly poison to the brain. As all of us know, you should or quick magic this tall table into a gazeba Oh, that's a better setting

Onnie, why did you do it? Why did you kill the town daddy? I didn't the listeners will back me up I mean, I guess look listeners. I know we weren't recording an episode So but if you could kind of like just if if anyone asks, just say that I was on Mike during the time that the town daddy was killed, disgusting. Wow. You want to pull them into your nefarious deeds and make them lie on your behalf? I suddenly remembered something, which is this,

the only source of flame-sharp wood in this town of Nagelsmum is my 200 gallon aquarium. No one else has a flame shark instead. Certainly no one has the means and access to flame shark blood. Ruebar, Ruebar, Ruebar, Ruebar, Ruebar, Ruebar, Ruebar, Ruebar, Ruebar, Ruebar. Peas and carrots, peas and carrots. Now some may say that that evidence points somehow to me. Some would, I, yeah. But I'm saying those people are dirty liars. Oh shit, I fell into that trap.

It's hard, it's hard to believe. The only thing that makes any logical sense is that Ony is innocent, and that a flame shock has become sentient, and decided to murder your brother. Your very friend has turned against you. You know what? Okay, that's also a good hypothesis. I'll go with that one too. Oh, no.

Chant, do you have a further hypothesis for my innocence? I gotta be honest, I'm tripping balls right now and I cannot string together any type of theory. You're honored. I see. Well, hold on. I have a new piece of evidence I'd like to any type of theory. Uh, you're, you're honored. I see. Well, hold on. I have a new piece of evidence I'd like to bring to the table. Or actually, it's already been brought to the table. What?

Watermelon cantaloupe, what? Watermelon, come on, come on, come on, come on. It's been brought to the table by Ruben himself. He's brought our bill. When I look here, there's a number of rainbow bowls, but there's also a few upcharges for poison. Radish potatoes, radish potatoes, radish potatoes. Rude a big apart snip.

What are you saying now? Look, look at this receipt. There's been poison added to this order. Arnie, you've kept receipts gross. Oh, how many times do I go to a tavern and I tell them if you're going to do skull duggery, Poison added to this order. Arnie you've kept receipts. Gross. Oh. How many times do I go to a tavern and I tell them if you're going to do Skull Duggery, don't itemize it? Well, let me just say that that doesn't mean

that any of the food or the rainbow bowls were poisoned. It's simply Rubin bringing me a flask of poison for me to use later on my enemies. Oh. Yes, Arnie, you don't talk to him, but Ruben is from the Thousand Islands, and in the Thousand Islands, it's very customary to concoct poisons and just have them on hand. Yes, Ruben is my poison master, that's totally normal. I don't understand what you're trying to say here, Arnie.

Are you suggesting that I had something to do with my own brother's death, my brother, whom I resented, and disliked since birth. Yeah, you know what, I'm usually very avoiding. My own family member who received not merely the lion's share, but the the griffin's share of my parents love and fortune that I would want to poison this young man, that because he perhaps received praise, adulation, and high honors from throughout the town of Nagelsworth, whereas I live on the edge of town in a lean-to with my sword collection and my flame sharks, but somehow I would be motivated to kill him. Why didn't you just kill him with one of the swords?

Order, order, order! Who wants what? Of another ale. Another ale? I'll have a rainbow bowl, but hold the poison on the side. Ruben? Yeah. Three rainbow bowls, double poison. Thank you very much, Ruben.

Do I have to admit, Ruben? I love that. Now, I love you. Now, I have to admit, Kev, you've made a very good case for yourself being guilty just now. So, I'm inclined to believe that we should put you in a dungeon, deep beneath the ground, and leave you there, and make sure you never become Town daddy

Now that I've had time to think about it my head's clearing from the rainbow bowl And that way we ensure that our new leader isn't a criminal. Let me just make one small Argument to you wise wizard. Okay. I live in a lean to on the edge of town. How is putting me in a dungeon going to be a punishment? Yeah. If anything, that's going to be a step up for me. Yeah. I'm going to get three cuts in a hot every day. Mm-hmm. If you put me in one of your sky cells, I'll have an incredible view. Oh yeah. I would love to live in a dungeon. The one thing I do not want, strange as it may seem,

is the day to day responsibility of being the town daddy. It would be a perfect punishment for you. Too bad I already did mail in voting and I vote for Glurp. Well, I'll have you know I'm going to audit that vote. Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm the to audit that vote

I'm the one for like months and months Houston or you sir. Can I talk to you over here on the outside of the gazebo? Yes, what's going on? Listen Arnie's clearly insane and kevis my daddy. He's wonderful I think what you should do to prove Arnie wrong is, can you conjure a hollowed gram of Alexian? And that way, when Kev sees his brother and thinks he's still alive, he'll be happy and Arnie can shut the fuck up and we can move on and vote him down daddy. Ah, sure, the hollowed gram is the thing. You'll have to do the voice of Alexian though.

A roll trough. Kana-kana! Sorry, we just had to pee on the placebo. No problem. Oh, look, they're a spirit before us. Oh, my! Oh, stop, jump to the voice. Oh, my brother! Where out though?

Is... Be that the visage of my own brother, Alexion? There above the ramparts of this Danish castle? Arnie, you've never seen a thing like this. Anon, anon, qunon, anon! Who? Who is that my brother, Kev? Oh, it's his eye, town daddy, and... and thou art the moon and the stars.

Did he say daddy to the teeth at the end? I know, he sounds like Marvin the Martian, that's what's distracting me. I don't know who that is. QAnon, indeed, my dead brother, do with your own research. You belong on the veil of the dead, and I here exist among the living, which of us is best suited to daddy this town to a greater

more benevolent and honestly less grubb eating future. Sounds unto thee, you and your lean two, even lean three, but lean two out of lean three and bad. May I retort your despicable? Alright, good job Wizard and Badger. I heard your whole plan through the Rainbow Whole Hall in the table. You can't fill me with a hollowed gram. Come on, all I do is see visions every day because of all those psychedelic drug prongs I'm eating. Yeah, look since I've made my case.

You all know I'm better than Glerp. You all know I've spoken to each of you, each and every one of you, and I helped you to achieve things and admit things that you couldn't admit and achieve before. Chant. Huh? I helped you admit that you don't like grubs

even though society expects you to. Yeah, I don't like grubs. And you said it before I even arrived so I don't really know how I helped you but I allowed you to feel that way. Thank you, Tandadi. And you Zador, you are going to become the wizard's choice of wizards because you are no longer asking permission of this human companion that you suffer with all of these days. Thank you, Tandadi. You're welcome. Look, I hope that you suffer with all of these days. Thank you, Town Daddy. You're welcome.

Look, I hope that you elect me your town daddy in this new election. But should the results go against me? Always remember, they were fraudulent. I won. I am Town Daddy for life. Were you already know they're going to be fraudulent? Oh, yeah, it's obvious. It's obvious.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. The ne obvious. It's obvious. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The neggles worth the press is against me. So they're going to say that, uh, the alert one, but it's going to be obvious. The real, the people will really know that I won. Well, we'll wait for the town skeletons to vote and then we'll see what shakes out.

Ahni, this is going to be a real problem. Everyone's aunts and uncles are going to be, uh, looking for visions and horses blood and seeing that they're all sorts of negative results that aren't correct. Uh, when will the truth be about us? When will the truth be about us? You gotta go to the town cryer and at least get,

like, they have at least a responsibility, like an accountability. You need a trusted new source, like a man standing in the middle of the town with a bell. I'm dismounting this table now, because I've got to climb up a lot of tables tonight, to spend a lot of wisdom. I want you to know, I love you all very much.

You're very special to me. Oh, I'm really winning me over now. Not you, Arnie, you accused me of murder. Oh, that's how you really did someone my vote. I'm gonna use it. You can't vote. I'm an easy mark. You never even read my pamphlet called if I did it.

But that's fine. That's fine, Arnie. The title gives me everything I need to know. Arnie, I forgive you. I'm going to be your new cool town, Daddy. Your kids are going to love me. I'll tell you what, we'll see what happens. I'm climbing down now.

I'm going to go talk to some other people. You guys have a good night. There goes my uncle Kav. I want to some other people. You guys have a good night. There goes my uncle Kev. I want to help for him. It was so nice for town daddy to play catch with me. Catch up I mean. We caught up and I never met him, but now I can't live without him.

What a great guy, huh? There's a lot of things I like about him, but can we all agree? Can we all like pour our drinks out? Let's not drink anything more of what came to the table while he was here You got it Kev. I'm gonna drink mine right now No Houston Double poison. Oh

Man, I can't go for it in the morning Also, what was his plan? He was trying to talk us into voting for him and poisoning us at the same time? Remember, you can't win the posthumous Wizard's Choice Award unless you're dead, Houston or... Thank you, Cav. I appreciate it. He's just trying to help. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. You saw him looking at your stomach and I can see what's behind it. Yeah. You're gonna finish eating that bowl?

No, it's all yours. Olli, I think we learned an important lesson today. Oh, I was hoping you'd know. Oh, maybe the lesson is ignore local politics and I'm sure everything will be fine. I think the lesson is don't be a dick. Trip balls. Yeah.

Did this all happen? Guys, did this all happen? Guys, did this all happen? It was just a collection of shut up vows wonder who killed Alexian We'll talk about it later. All right if I did it it would have been me, but it's just a pamphlet I wrote Oh, he must be hitting the road he's putting on his gloves, but they don't really fit over his hand. He keeps swerving directly into talking about that he murdered his brother. Of all the things that were killed during this episode, the one I'll miss most was the 46 minutes I spent listening to it. Farewell, almost an hour.

I could have listened to the fresh air interview with Kate Winslet twice in that time. Who were the people trying to keep up with the guest star? Let's break it down. Wizards Choice Award nominee, Usurder the Blue, was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Reffire. Kevrat, the brother of the murdered town daddy, was played by special guest John Hodgman. John is the host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast, a writer of numerous books including the recent medallion status, and the co-creator and co-star

of the animated show DicTown, which you can and should watch on Hulu right now. Take a break from Handmaid's tale, it's not getting any cheerier. You know, along with cease and desist letters, fans of the podcast sometimes send us songs that they've written about the show. Recently we got one from self-described hardcore slash metal bard group Displacer, about rarely seen, Deep Cut character Usador. Here's a very quick snippet. That's enough.

Don't worry, I'll put the whole three-minute displacer song secret names after the end of the credits, where it can thrive in secrecy like Harry Potter Unprivate Drive. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon, as I told you before the show when you had nowhere to run. All 7 episodes of Season 1 of Earth Games was added to the Patreon last week. That's in addition to the regular stuff. The ad-free version of this show end the two new bonus episodes each month. If anything, I'd say the Patreon is over-delivering, and that is a word I've never used in regards to this podcast.

To learn more, visit patreon.com slash magictavern. Okay, fine, here's more of the displacer song. Oh, I got to say. Way back to me, framing device. Hello for the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffaier, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Normally, I don't say much about Garrett as he's a toxic, difficult person.

But this week, Lukus got a blurb! You know that new Amazon Prime series The Wheel of Time? Well, Garrett went and launched a new podcast that follows each episode as it airs. Watch the show, hear the podcast. Search for the Wheel of Time show about the Wheel of Time show that can be the name. That's the name? Okay, resetting and doubling down on my professionalism. Search for the Wheel of Time show about the Wheel of Time show wherever you listen to podcasts.

Episodes are out now. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. And now we know Ryan's special brand of assistance does not include helping Garrett focus test his podcast titles before the train has left the station. Way to go, Ryan. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. You did it, you made it all the way to the full displacer song. Here's your audio equivalent of Gatorade at the end of the marathon except no one's done any exercise. Deep hour of freedom, kept in your arms, brought to rocker

The hell's nobby ass, being killed, and the storm's nobby ass Don't it, gloom and danger, so I don't even know what he's meant There's been a big door, that there may be a secret next to you, don't even know The best, do me ask This way, one or two The trash can't keep calling That being conscious, the cup Ruffer the ass, one more true day

That I've known to the bad minds That's every talk, all the bad minds call me The dog's jelly-foy, with us now Ruffer, the man who hid the lost and Rembrandt, that's best, Then there may be other secrets And you do not even know Why, you're the chosen Way, yeah For you Furniture We are

Furniture Embrace Furniture The Spirit We are Furniture We are Furniture I am Foggy

Let's sing your sing Make your da prairie Skate of the world of death Rowing, rolling, shining up like, To defy the dark law. I am your genie!