Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 63 - Globulous Visits (w/ Stuart Wellington)

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Globulous has turned a new leaf, probably.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiGlobulous, Reformed Eye Tyrant: Stuart WellingtonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenDirector Ward: Shane WilsonProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Okay, then I changed the flavor of the day sign outside Culver's from Butter Peak Hand to Pattern Cube. Perfect. I broke into a local florist, found all the roses being delivered to Valentine's Day and added cards saying, we have to talk, this isn't working for me. Excellent work, Tim. I even added a holding call in the final second to that big football game so no one would enjoy the outcome That wasn't on the list. I had the time director ward. I've done everything you've asked random as it may seem Oh from little acorns mighty oaks do grow your work has left Hank reeling. That's amazing

I can't believe this had any effect at all. I don't want to speak prematurely, but the framing work you're about to do could deal hank the final blow. Really? Shall we find out? Let's. People of Earth! The following podcast is not real.

It's so not real. Real podcasts see our podcast on the street and say, oh honey, just don't. But that doesn't mean you can't listen to it because your entertainment standards are flexible. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Seven and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, and the town of nibble bottom, at the base of the innable mountain in the magical land of fun, and I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger! Bing-Bong! Bing-Bong to you as well! Oh, that's very kind of you. Wow, you already seem in a very good mood today. Did you know what? I'm just, I'm feeling good about doing good. Now that I'm the greatest warrior in all of food,

I've just been trying more and more to answer these scrolls. People are sending me to requests like help to save people. And it just, it feels good. Do you know how many good deeds you've done so far? Have you, have you, you got, already you've got to get a system. Maybe like notches on your belt or maybe you just kind of keep a scroll by your bed

and you take note of how many you've done. Any idea? You know, I have been keeping a scroll near my bed and I think maybe I've been doing tasks in the middle of the night but then when I read the scroll in the morning, like it doesn't really make sense. Oh sure, sure, sure.

Well, I also got you in the bathroom. You know, that scroll by the toilet, and when I unfurled it, a naughty scroll fell out. Well, that's, you don't need to, I don't need to talk about my naughty scroll. Well, I'm just saying, you know, we all, everyone has a naughty scroll. We hide it under our bed,

or we put it in our mouth and swallow it, or it's up our, one of our butts. All of those, I guess I wanna talk about the putting it in your mouth and swallowing it, but not to be clear, not the butt one. I don't know if humans have this, but magical creatures have two throats, or one throat, but it's bisected.

So you can put like a sort down one half and still drink water. You can eat two grapes and have them go down separate tubes to the tummy. So it's just kind of a fun little, it's just, I think you've described to me David Blaine before. And I feel like he has one of those, is that right?

I think you're probably right. John, I guess I don't know how many dual body parts you have. Let's see here, two eyes, two hands, two feet, two blood holes, two nuts, two throats, two ears. Alright, don't make me say it. I already said nerds, I think that's close enough. Two hearts, two kidneys, love nerds, two stomachs, two lungs, two stomachs. Yeah. Okay. Is one for digesting, one for resting? I don't know. Sometimes rhymes are a thing.

No, already you nailed it. One is for digesting and one is for resting. So you know how sometimes you sleep on your back and your hands right in your tummy and it goes like your tummy raises and then falls and raises and falls. So it's just kind of presentational. It's a belly for show.

So people know you're asleep. Well, you know what? Just like your stomachs, my co-hosts, you are for resting and my other co-hosts is for digesting Yusudor the wizard who's dead in the ghost. I am Yusudor, wizard of the twelfth realm of a visiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the

great holes of Tragas The elves Numiya's fying Eleg The dwarves Numiya's Zodan and Hukestengis And I was known in the North East as Gasmaniya's Mastar Until I completed my true purpose And then ascended towards the goddesses In the realms of Fesius And now a lingo behind here is but a shade.

Are you done with that word? I was just making sure. Nope, he's not done. I have animal ears and I can still hear it. It's just an atone that you can't hear I think, Ernie. Okay, he's still going, he's still going. He's really hit this. Heeey, duh, duh.

There it goes. The shade, duh-da-da. Waaah, I was pretty nemphysis on how, and this ghostly form, I can exist in many parallel dimensions simultaneously. What? Well, I'm aware of other things around me, and you know, other spirits and shades. You know, there are some dimensions that are closer to this one than others. You know, Earth is obviously quite far away.

Uh, but I'm aware of things beyond the realm. Even I'm just pretending to be a ghost. Hmm. I'm not really dead, but I can sense a lot of things around me like, um... Like what? Think someone farted. Whoa! I'm pretty sure.

Yes, let me reach out with my senses. Uh... Farts live on another realm of existence? I'm pretty sure. Yes, let me reach out with my senses. Ohhh. Farts live on another realm of existence? Well, do you ever see them? Yeah, once or twice. Oh, you made me more magical than we ever thought. No, I don't know. I got problems. Let's look in your second stomach and see if the thoughts are there.

No, you said or, you said or, he only has one stomach. You idiot. Get another stomach. How? That's a good question a chunt. Uh Have you ever been in creature with just one stomach? Hmm. Yeah, I guess so I guess a lot of birds I love birds only have one stomach, but then they have those rocks in their stomachs to help grind up their food And I love rockers are fucking weird. No offense. I know. Birds are weird. Yeah, but I love them because they're weird. You know, a lot of them hop.

They don't walk. Oh, yeah. They don't walk in wild. Huh. Sounds exhausting. Except for when they're flying, which is awesome. Guys, I have a question, and you might have some advice on this about being the greatest warrior in all fin.

So I've been trying to help people. Doing an okay job at that, but part of that is like, what is my obligation to vanquish evil? Very high, extremely high. The highest, the single most important thing you must do, vanquish evil, whenever it dares to rear its ugly head,

you must fight back against that darkness. Yeah, and Arnie, are you starting to get your paychecks or did your insurance kick in? Are you getting any of your benefits? I still not getting any benefit from any of this. I haven't heard of anything. Except for the sense of gratitude and warmth in your heart

from doing a righteous day's work. I think I've gotten that. Maybe it's hard to tell. Plus experience. My XP has been going up. Oh, so much XP. Well, that's good. That's very good.

Granted, you're the greatest warrior in all of food. Yeah. But you're wildly unqualified for this position. And I think you should think of this as a very important internship. Internship. Yeah, you don't need the money. Just think about what you're learning.

Think about the opportunities it's creating for you. I don't know. I think I should at least get at some kind of honorary. I might should get paid at least a little bit. You should be getting some sort of checker payment. Ernie, I do have to say a lot of eyes are on you right now. When you say that. I mean, right now, literally, a lot of eyes are on you.

There's something behind you with a lot of eyes staring. I mean, it could be taken figuratively as well, since you are the greatest warrior in food, but what chun does referred to, specifically? It's a whole bunch of eyes. All bunch of eyes? On stalks, looking directly at you. In my peripheral vision, I feel like I'm just barely

seeing a couple of eyes that are just sort of coming around my head. Yeah, it's getting closer to you. Hey, hey guys, how's it going? It's me, Lobulus. Oh, Lobulus. Oh, shit, Lobulus. It's been a while, right? How you doing? I was about to give you a hug with my tongue. With your...

Oh, okay, huh. Oh, I love a ton hug. Oh, you're getting pretty big. Are you working out working out? You know I've been working out a little bit I've been over at Castle Hawks by her fighting vampires and saving vampire survivors But it's mostly a lot of running and I guess I'm getting a little upper body from trying to do the whip But not not enough. Oh wow, that's really interesting. I'm really glad you shared that see Guys he rolled all his eyes. Oh Guys guys, guys, I got to thank you so much. Last time I saw you, you know, we had a really good conversation. I don't know if you remember, but, no, but I'm,

I'm going to the door. The door is going somewhere. You would kind of add me change my evalways, right? Maybe take up being good for a change. So I was in my layer and I'm looking at all 11 mirrors, one for each eye. That's how it works, right? I'm so sorry to interrupt, but you have a mirror for each eye? I've way more than that I'm super rich dude. Oh, I see. But I only use 11 at a time, like a normal person. Mm-hmm. Since you have 11 eyes, do you make a conscious effort to not look at the same thing? Like, is that wasteful to be using two eyes

to kind of look at the same thing? I look at all kinds of things on this dimension, other dimensions, through people's clothes sometimes, one of my eyes does that. Okay. But that was the old globulus. The new globulus, he doesn't look through people's clothes anymore. He's a good guy.

And that's why you guys brought me on here, right? I'd love to talk about it. Oh yeah, yes. We're very excited that you've had this page churned in the story of your life, and that you're now a force for goodness. I already could learn something from you. I'm glad you brought up books, because that's kind of why I'm here. That's right.

My road, self-discovery, has been long and winding and full of twists and turns. Well, that's what winding means. It's all documented here in this self-help scroll from glimeless to fabulous that I've been selling. Oh, well, how much are you are you chargey because I there's no cost I wouldn't pay. Oh wow Well, it's how much do you have? That's on me right now Just like a hundred gold pieces. Yeah, it's 99 gold pieces.

Not perfect. You don't judge a scroll by its length. Let me just take a peek here. Chapter one, the eyes have it. I'm a good guy now. And that I don't look through people's clothes. Hmm. Okay. Yeah, see, it starts with a bang.

That's just what people like. They like that kind of crap. Or not with a bang. It's the perfect scroll to be reading on the toilet, or I don't know, wherever else you read stuff. Where do you read stuff, Arnie? I think exclusively the toilet. But in my defense, I spend more than the average amount of time on the toilet, so it's

not weird. With the naughty scrolls. Oh, that's part of it. I was gonna say, maybe it's not weird. With the naughty squirrels. Oh, that's part of it. I was gonna say, maybe it's that great diet. Like, for me, it's all about this plant-based diet I'm on. You know, like, I can't eat any of the crap in this place. It's all filled with additives and junk, right?

You gotta, you gotta like, you gotta eat clean, right? Oh, yes. I assume when you say additives and junk, you're referring to us. You can't eat us. I can't eat you. No, of course not. You're not. Wait, are you, are you plant-based? I, I am not know. No, I'm globulist, but didn't you use to just usually just eat people indiscriminately, just eat them and steal all their things? That was the old globulist, the new globulist. You know, I'm eating clean, doing a lot of core work.

Oh, core work. Where is your core? It's kind of between the middle eye and my lips. Okay, all right, that makes sense. Let's see here, champ. I'm surprised you haven't said anything. I feel like it's getting pretty tight. No, you look like your stocks look really ripped.

You know, for me, it's kind of hard to look past the eyes. Like, there's so many eyes that there's mostly what I'm looking at, so I don't see as much what's happening behind the eyes. I get that a lot, you know, sometimes they just see the exterior and they don't see the real me, and that's what I'm kinda going for, and from Glabulous to Fabulous. I really love a good redemption story. Glonulus, I'm so glad that you're a good guy now. I think daily exercise, that's what I'm saying.

Daily exercise, that's how you get the cord just like mine. And the best way, explore dungeons, go fight monsters, carry treasure, I've been here and there's this dungeon nearby. The forgotten temple of Alphanoth, goddess of prosperity and plenty. I'm sure it's full of tons of treasure. So if you're an adventurer listening to this crap, why don't you head over there, take all your adventuring gear, head down there. It's gonna be a great workout. You're gonna look amazing afterwards.

Damn it. If only someone had a map they could sell me to this place. Oh, what do you think's printed on the back of this scroll, baby? Oh, I only have one gold piece left. So if I want to join this adventuring party to get a good workout in this dungeon, is this a kind of thing where I just play a one-time fee, or do I have to have some kind of membership to this dungeon? Well, you might want to head over and get some gear over a B-holders. My, uh, the shop I just opened at nibble bottom, not that long ago, you might have seen the sky

riding announcing the opening of a popular train store B holders. You know what? I did see some riding in the sky, but for the last time I couldn't tell what was doing the riding up there. I just hired a bunch of birds, they're fucking cheap. Aren't they weird, weird and cheap, cheap, cheap? Now, Glombulous, just taking a look further down your scroll. It seems like each chapter is one sentence.

It seems like this is not only a story about redemption, it's also self-help, and that involves working out and eating better. And then it also seems like there's a few chapters on investing. Of course, yeah, of course. There's old chapter dedicated to NFTs. Oh, what are those? Yeah, you know, Chuck knows us.

He's always hawking them on the street corner. Yeah, NFTs are nice ferret tits. Oh, you know how hard it is to find nice ferret tits? Almost impossible. Yeah, surely, surely. I don't wanna get too deep into it, too deep into the weeds, but yeah, it just seems like, glad you listen, and so you're telling me

you don't wanna talk about NFTs? Like, you don't wanna just keep talking and talking and talking about a nice ferret tits? Well, I do, but not if I'm not getting paid for it, but, glad you listen, it seems like you're spreading yourself a little thin, which I know is the goal in part of your diet and workout regimen, but it seems like you're just covering

a lot of different random bases. Well, I think it is. I got a lot of orphans doing the legwork for me. You guys told me not to destroy that orphanage last time, so I'm just having them. I mean, who do you think's working on those scrolls for me? Oh, well, if you're making myself, if you're having them learn a trade,

I think that could be really helpful and valuable as they grow up. And I hope you're giving them a trade and loving home. And obviously, yeah, obviously they're learning to read if they can make these scrolls, so that's really a valuable skill in this world. Yeah, that's one of those things. I'm just all about helping others, you know,

and like getting better at listening, rather than just sitting around, waiting for my own turn to talk, you know what I'm saying, Sean? Yeah, I totally understand it. Listening to understand versus listening to respond. I've been waiting to say that for a few minutes now. Yeah, so it's all about that.

It's trying to be more like you guys. You guys taught me the way. And I think that's why this is the perfect vehicle for me to promote from Glavuelis to Fabulous now. That's great. No, I'm so sorry to interrupt. You Glavuelis, but since you're such a great listener now, what was the name of the castle that I went to to fight all those vampires?

I mentioned just recently. You were making eye contact with a couple of your eyes when I said that. Wait, let me ask this orphan real quick. Yeah, I'm sorry. I was really focused on something else, but that's on me, you know, owning my mistakes. That's another part of being globulous. Oh, what that often go? Oh, he had to go do some stuff. He's, you know, he's busy. Another one I'll show up.

I mean, orphans are cheap, you know? Shuh, shuh. There's a little bit of blood underneath you right now. Is that just, are you okay? Sometimes I get too close and and I fall on them, and then, you know, yeah, but I just absorb through my flesh sacks, like I do with other nutrients. Now, technically, that would mean

I'm not completely on a plant-based diet, but, you know, sometimes we can be bad, right? Do we have a little cheat day? I have a wrong kind of a cheat day. I guess if you accidentally plant yourself on an orphan then pair of game. Globulous, why don't we take a quick break and when we come back we'll talk more about your book and maybe see if you want to offer up an apology? I'll take that as a note.

So, globulus, in Fune, a lot of times I'm sure you know this, but if someone has a redemption arc and they used to be bad and now they're good, typically they do some sort of a public apology or they just try and write those wrongs as best they can. Even if it's just sort of a short, short little speech. Did you have anything like that or... I get it, man. You know, as I mean, I would give it away for free, but I feel like it's all laid out pretty clearly and from globulus fabulous, but the, you know, the first thing I did after, you know, staring at myself in the 11 Mears, is I decided it was time to really reconnect with my son.

My son, Globbulous, who I brought into being by dreaming about him. Right. Sure. That's the usual way. So of course I confronted him and then consumed him completely, both his spirit and his flesh. Because his spirit and his flesh, you got to do both, man, that's how it works. What happens if you just do one? Use the door, nose.

Arnie, think about this for a second. If you just consume the spirit, then there's just a big mass of flesh there. And if you don't consume the spirit, what's it going to haunt you for the rest of your life? Like me? Boo. Glambulous. You've mentioned this before. You're globulous the first. You used to be globulous the second, I believe.

You were created from a dream of the former globulous the first. You got it right. Are there ever any globular that just sort of get away? Like, do you have your eyes, so to speak, on every globular that might be in existence? It's a really good question. And then what you're probably wondering is, where can you get a really good deal on adventure supplies? And I can always say, the best deal in town is bee holders. That's right. If you want to track down your wayward globuli, and you

need the right equipment for the job, why not pop in there now so it's slightly used, there might be a little blood on it, but you know what, it's gonna be a steal. I'll take that as a bonus, if there's blood on the equipment that I buy I can use that in my dark experiments. He did change the subject, but I appreciate that he said that it was a good question. So, Arnie, use it or this motherfucker floats in here with his sheep. Wait, what? He didn't see him float in here?

Oh no, that's never mind. I was concerned about something else, but you keep going. In a cheap 3P suit that stinks like piss, and all of a sudden we're just supposed to take him seriously? He's doping us... he's... duping us guys! Hi, C. You're saying I should ask him a question about the piss? Is that what you're saying, Chant? Honestly, I'm curious.

You two, listen to me. This is the dream to finally convert a... a bean of evil to the sight of God. This is what I've been working on for years! Okay, guys, I can't keep a straight face anymore, you got me. What? I can't believe you guys came me up again. I came up with a scam the idea of being good people love that shit Oh, no, it's not a scam But like people are loving it. I haven't seen the fucking lines out the door. That's fucking turn hole Well, yes, but I don't I don't think it's because it's a scam. I think it's because well

There's a collective good and we must be working towards Well the moral arc of the universe and I don't know damn it So here I am sitting around in my treasure room in the forgotten temple of Alphanoth Wondering how reading all these priceless forgotten scrolls forbidden actually, you can't even buy them anywhere. And I'm thinking to myself, how can I get idiots down here so I can freeze them with my eye beams and steal their stuff? I've got to get down there.

And then what do I do with them when they're frozen and they have no more stuff? I got to feed the orphans somehow and sometimes they bring kids with them. Isn't that crazy? Who brings a kid down into a forgotten temple? Yeah, that's pretty crazy. This motherfucker has priceless forgotten for bitten scrolls. We have to tax the rich. I mean, if a scroll is forgotten, it shouldn't be forbidden.

Or maybe it was for a bitten first and then, huh? I'm just saying it, tax the rich. I mean, sure, you can. Why don't you send some tax collectors wearing adventuring gear down into my forgotten temple. And I'll, of course, I'll pay my fair share. I wonder, like, how do you put a price on a forgotten scroll? Like, does it have to, like, do you have to reintroduce it into the public memory so that people could even know how quantify what it's worth? Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I can, you know, I have a pretty savvy mind for business, Arnie.

So for this, for God and Scroll, how much money do you have on you? I haven't got about five coins and the piece of what I think is beef jerky. Oh, amazing, it's five coins and some beef jerky. That's the price. Oh, wow, that's very serendipitous. Okay, here you go.

Okay, let me just have an orphan pull this out of my flesh sack. Oh yeah, there you go, enjoy, yeah. Don't, if you get bored with it, just return it to be holders. I'm sure they'll give you a good deal. I don't know why this was forbidden, it's just a recipe for bread. Well, I don't know if I told you this, but I'm also trying to cut down on my gluten intake

because it's really messing up my flesh sacks. So it's forbidden to you? Yeah, but I mean it should be forbidden to you too. I mean, I feel like maybe if you cut down your carbs a little bit, you should or... Alright. I'm dead, I can do whatever I want. Now look, just because it's forbidden to you, doesn't make it- It's not like a government entity, or a king or a queen said this is forbidden.

I-I think you're trying to rip us off. Government entity, huh? So if I was involved in government somehow, oh no, maybe as a burgamister, maybe Dark Lord. What? No, a fuck? Well, I'm just saying, maybe if I could, that's another scam. I guess there is a bit of a power vacuum now that the Dark Lord is dead and gone.

Johnny! No, I'm not saying he should do it, I'm looking how. You're right, I'm the greatest warrior in all of it, and I shouldn't be doing this kind of... I keep falling back into my role as a journalist, or as a pundit, like kind of sharing this information. That's how I've let so many evil people slide all this time because I'm a podcaster, but now that I'm a hero, I've got to do a lot more stopping of evil. I think I'm really really hard on yourself there, buddy. Oh, thank you, bud.

I appreciate that. I also don't think you'd make a good burger, myster, because of the epilets. Where would you put them over your eye stocks? Yeah, well, when we saw them at B holders, we call those iPads. They're in the, they're next to the iPhones and Imux and an I Cloud for you to store things in. I've seen some of your iPads

and it seems like you just keep releasing new iPads every year and that's fine. But then it's a little bit annoying that they have different chords to wrap around your head and they suddenly you have to get a new cord for your new iPad. Guys you guys are getting in on this game. You understand it now right? It's like once you can see the matrix you can see it, right? You know what I'm talking about? Yes, Arnie, have we told you about the matrix? No.

Well, it's a matriarch who does a lot of tricks, juggling, car tricks, magic, what have you. And she famously will offer you two different types of pills. Both kill you, but you do have an option how you die, red or blue. Oh, I'm scared of the eye cloud. It's scary because you store stuff in there and sometimes like a little turtle pops out with a fishing rod. Right, and the part that I find most of saying though is it's literally a cloud, but then occasionally the eye opens up in

the eye cloud? Yeah, absolutely. I'm like, ah, there's an eye in that cloud and it's floating over it's watching it's all. And those turtles with the fishing pole, um, sometimes they throw down little red spiky guys. Mm-hmm, yep. That's, I mean, those are all the, I mean, that was the most recent generation of eye cloud. So if you have the old one, you got to buy the new one.

It's such a good, such a great scam. Use it, or use it, or... I'm... I think I need a little bit of advice here. Just swallow a second stomach. Just I get a sheep's stomach and swallow it. No, no, but then I would just digest it anyway. Look, is it my duty to kill my evil guests? Like, do I need to kill globules?? Like how do I know if he's evil enough that I'm supposed to vanquish him? Arnie, please. I, have you been watching me for the last eight years?

No, I have had, we've had, we've had countless evil guests on this show. And I always treat them with the respect they deserve. And then I vow to kill them in a later time. When it's not part of a podcast agreement, I see. This is like saying, not don't kill them on the podcast. Right.

But promise to kill them on the podcast. Exactly. This is a parlay. This is an opportunity to make peace by using our words and diplomacy. We hope to convert the forces of evil to good, but if they deny us in this podcast format, then later date we shall vanquish them together.

You and I, the greatest warrior, and the greatest wizard in all the food, and chunt. Sure, chunt, chunt. Oh yeah, for saying, hey, what's up? Did you want a massage? I know, I need some, well, yeah. I do, actually. Where is it?

Oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. I'm not expecting that. Well, this is helping me. Okay, while you massage me, I need some advice. Yes, should I kill you, Sador? That would be. Because you're just annoying the shit out of me right now. Yeah, like I've been killing people a little more often now.

Yeah, yeah. I gotta say, if you kill a wizard, and especially a ghost wizard, your legacy is secure. Oh, I am getting more into my own legacy. It's kind of on my mind, maybe too much. Yeah, and if you kill a ghost, I think they come back to life, so no harm to a foul. So it's like doing a kindness.

I think so. Also, what's the part of it? Ah, Arnie, we don't have time for this. Okay, thank you for the back rub. And I heard you guys are talking about killing people. Arnie, if you want to kill people, you're hot stuff now. People are looking at you.

Why don't you gather a bunch of guys, plenty of gear, please. And just come on down to the forgotten temple. Come find me and kill me there. Do not bring anything to protect you against freeze beams. It'll be amazing. I'll love it. Wait a minute. Anytime he says, come on down, it's like a weird stilted acting.

Like he doesn't have the budget to like tell us what he really thinks. What is that all about? Well, there's a thing, that's what we call showmanship here in the biz. I really wish I could bring something to protect me from freeze beams though, but he did post that sign. Ah, yeah, it's the no freeze beam protections allowed. No ambulance to protect from it. No shields that reflect that shit back on me because that sucks.

If you're gonna play, you got to play by other rules. That's a good question. Have you ever been frozen by your own freeze beams? Yeah, I was frozen for like... 70 years or something, and then some idiot wizard woke me back up. You're welcome. Guess you got frozen immediately after that. Oh wait, that was you! Then who do I kill? Oh man.

Oh, that wasn't me? I definitely unfroze of a holder at some point. We prefer the term eye tyrants. Mm-hmm. Of course, eye tyrants. You a wizard near the sea currently should know that more than anybody, but this is just a really touchy subject right now.

Yes, I apologize. Well, I perhaps I unfroze a different eye-tyrant who is a different globulus who at some point absorbed, and that's just a different, but you'd have all the memories, too, right? It would mean that you did me a solid somehow, and that's why I always liked you, Sador. Also, you're a ghost, so I can't profit off of you. You've never profited off of a ghost?

I have used ghosts to lure orphans down to do my bidding before. Because you know orphans love to follow ghosts. Well what is their parents? Oh, okay, that makes sense. They're looking for the parents, they're trying to solve mysteries, make something other lives. Yeah, like you show an orphan a ghost of a parent. They'll do anything, man. If you don't have access to a ghost of a parent, can you use like a ghost of a really cool clown to try to sort of lure them someplace? Uh, that's pretty weird, dude.

You'd follow a ghost of a clown. I mean, only into the sewer. I don't know about you, buddy. That would freak me out. Yeah. But what if he had a balloon? What if he had a balloon or something? Sounds scary.

What are you feeding you here? Some stuff with a bunch of additives? What's going on? No, I use like a, if I don't have parents, I use like a puppy or like two like an unlikely animal friendship of like a bear and an alligator or something. Oh, I would follow that. That is cute.

Or like a really hot ferret. Oh, NFTs Ferret oh NFTs oh oh you know what else? Offensives food food. They love food. Oh, man. They love it. They go crazy for it And that's that's a thing like you don't even have to pay them because if you give them food and like the promise of maybe their parents might come back They'll do anything man, it's great. Glamiless, I'm not sure why I have so many orphan questions, but I do. Have you ever lured an orphan down if you're there? And while they're down there, does it have, has ever one of these orphans turned out

to actually be like an adult murderer who's just pretending to be a little orphan? Oh, that's actually a good question. I don't know, I have a lot of trouble to determine the age of humans. You guys all look like we a little pink dolls to make. Thank you. You don't have the divine circular form of an eye time like me. So yeah, it's, I don't know. It's a you're all mess. I don't know. You have one stomach like what's going on there? It's gross. Yeah, this one's

stomach is now working great from being honest. I mean, your form is even more divine than it is ever been, since you started really started working out. It really shows. I love this new used store before. I feel like you're a little aggressive, but no, man, you're great. That's the thing. I'm trying to model myself on that kind of thing where, you know, I accept a compliment and then I give it back.

Like, used store, you look great. For a ghost, I mean, who knows? Maybe he'll get some more epiphets. Use it, Art. Yeah. He's nagging you. I keep, I keep writing his scroll. Part of his book is about being a pickup artist.

What? He talks about nagging people. Oh. He said, you used to be aggressive. What? He said, you look pretty good for a ghost. Oh, he's playing you dog. Oh Well, yeah, you should show him you should start dating him. What? You said or date him. All right. I suppose if I have to

So globulous, what are you? What are you doing later this evening? Oh, that's our hadn't really thought about that. Well, I'm most likely going to the nicest restaurant in nibble bottom, which is, oh man. The dirty horse? Yeah, the dirty horse. Yeah, we're gonna be in there. That's the nicest restaurant in the nibble bottom, the dirty horse. Oh, yeah. You don't want to go to the polished horse.

The terrible. Yeah, I mean, maybe, yeah, I mean't want to go to the polished horse. Oh. Terrible. Yeah, I mean, maybe, yeah, I mean it's only for high rollers, aren't you? Maybe, uh, maybe you'll be able to afford it for like a special occasion or something. Hmm. I thought it was the polish horse. Huh. Words.

So, yeah, yeah, so I'm going to the dirty horse later, uh, you know. If you can't have a dining companion, I would love to sup with thee. And then if our dinner goes well and the conversation is exciting and thought-provoking, perhaps we can both transform into Eagles fly up towards the moon and then dive back down towards Earth and right before we crash into the Earth. I haven't transformed in a while. We transform into a huge plait of baked brisket, and then we would devour each other up. Well, actually, yeah, I mean, I have a really...

Wow, God bless, is this... Is this really happening? I mean, you know... Give me a second. Let me, Orfern's lunch bring some mirrors over. Yeah, you look pretty good, Globulous. Yeah, I mean, maybe. Why don't we take a break and Globulous, you can pep talk your way into the date

and we'll be right back with more. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Well, how this place is? Kinda nice. It's great, right? Yeah, I eat here all the time. They love me here. Hey, well, what's up, Gaston? Come on in, you little sluts.

What? This is the nicest place in nibble bottom. That's what they call people, you little sluts. What? What? This is the nicest place in nibble bottom. That's what they call people, you're sluts. It's hilarious, right? I understand the theme of this place. Yeah, maybe aren't you? You're just not slut material. And I should say, sluts, of course, at the dirty horse stand for scrumptious, little,

ung-shoissed tidbits, which is all that we serve you little slut Okay, yeah, I mean I've figured that out long as soon as you said it right. Oh, yes, it's obvious to me Yeah, you said or knows Garçon can Can we begin the Garçon or Gaston because I heard this... Gaston's name, Garthon's title. Come on, Arnie Geekle. I see, sorry, sorry. Gaston, the Garthon.

Yes. Perhaps bring us a sampling of the appetizers this evening. Oh, yes, the poop, poop, plato. Of course, a little bit of everything, a little tidal bit, a little bit of all and everything, yes, I'd be right back. Did he say a little tidal bit? Hold on, don't stand behind me. Tell that guy not to stand behind me.

Connie, don't stand behind him. So the thing I said earlier about a plant-based diet, yeah, I was kind of lying about that out. That's not a deal breaker, you see, or, uh, let's just, I was just trying to make the other guys feel bad for not eating well. Sure, I mean, I understand. It's all part of your scam and your sort of creature that has to live for the scam. That's a thing. You understand branding, like you got like a million brands, right?

Oh, yeah, I have so many names and titles and brands, and my personal brand is sort of like, you know, altruism. Yeah, that's a good deal. People are way into that. Oh yeah, they love it. I wouldn't call this scam. It does occasionally cause someone to, you know, buy me a drink or give me a hot meal

out of the kindness of the heart as recompense for the good I've done in their name, or on their behalf But it doesn't really doesn't really pay the bills That's why I'm still doing this podcast. Yeah, I mean you're thinking smaller babe. We can easily get you more We can get you a bigger paying gig. I mean I did Kill the dark Lord. I you know well known over for all of that exactly, you know So maybe I could turn this into like a,

whoo, maybe should we do it in some like speaking engagements or something? Easy money right there. People pay anything to hear somebody speak, especially somebody with a good, kind of like a good look like you do. Oh well, thank you. So I feel a little weird just hovering over the two of you

while you're on your date, so I'm actually gonna go at your table of work. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but you won't even, yeah, what are you saying? Okay, here we go. Here's a sampling platter for you, nasty little fox. You fucking freak slug. Okay, this is a local salt lick. Here we have a regional sugar cube. Okay. Here's a regional salt lick. We also have a local sugar cube.

And this is tartar for now. Tartar for now. Thank you, Dirty Slot. So you're a ghost. What a ghost seat. Like, like souls and misery? Well, some ghosts do that. That's more your poltergeist type of ghost.

I'm really a ghost that has unfinished business here on food, which is, you know, has to do, you know. Sorry, just someone say, Souls of Missouri, S&M. Would you like us to bring some S&M in from the kitchen at the Dairy Horse? Yeah, I mean, nobody do. I can pay for it.

It's cool. I'm loaded. Absolutely. Sure, let's see what you got. Okay. But generally, I just consume the things that sort of living creatures eat. Oh, yeah, yeah, cool.

Yeah. Sometimes I'm transparent, but you can't put your hand through me. I mean, I don't have hands, that won't be a problem. John, you still are blowing it over there. He's boring the shit out of globulite. On the first date? Yeah. Oh, oh, I see what you mean.

Oh, yeah, I don't know. It seems like he's or his heart isn't in it. What do you think is going on? I think that's why we need so many reforms, even though I believe, of course, in the kingdom and the royalty and the structure there, I do think that there needs to be more of a progressive way of interacting with our fellow citizens

and creating opportunities for those who have been downtrodden for so long. Yeah, yeah, that's really cool. Yeah, have you ever considered your shape changing into, I don't know, shape is more pleasing, like a circular? Oh, I mean like a sort of like a big blue ball with like a single eyeball in the middle of it? Uh, I blew it's okay, yeah, that's up bad. I mean I was thinking more like, like pink or green, but yeah, blue's not green.

Uh, but uh, blue was sort of my thing. It's sort of my whole deal that I'm used to door the blue, you know? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, branding, I get it. I'm all about that. Yeah, I'm all about that life. Oh, I hope to goddesses, you sort of doesn't give him blue balls.

Ugh. I mean, I guess I could be a big pink ball and still wear like a blue hat. I mean, that's sort of what I am now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, that's, I guess I could work with me whenever. Uh, yeah, so, uh, yeah, what do you think of this place? It's pretty great, right? Oh, it's really great. Uh, I have to use the restroom.

I'll be right back. Yeah, sure, yeah. Oh, I need to. Before I have to get back before you realize this ghost don't need to use the bathroom. Uh, look, we're like two tables over. I know Take a big shot. He's got so many eyes So shut up and listen. I want to be sure that I'm doing this right Mm-hmm if I'm on a date I want to change myself to be the what the other person wants me to be right?

Sure, I can't remember I always feel like the the advice is either to do that or to not do that. It's one of those two things. Okay. I'll just do it. Oh wait, you should work. Asperg, Globbulous's book, when he talks about dating, he says that people love someone they need to fix in the relationship. So be someone he needs to fix.

Oh, okay. Errrr... How do I do that? I'm nearly perfect in every way. Be yourself. Break an arm with a broken arm. Fine, I'll go back over there. Well, go obvious. Oh, I've broken my ghost arm.

My ghostly bone. I say we've dug into the SNM here some more. Souls and uh, Miss Jeff? No, what was this? Miss, Miss Ray? Souls and Miss Ray, thank you so much. So, uh, wait, get out of here, Garçon, for a second. Uh, whatever near,

do near like human bones break, what's going on? Well, there, uh, since I'm a ghost right now, and all the bones, they're ghost bones. And obviously you need to fix me. And I'd love to transform into a big pink ball with a blue hat. Yeah, this just seems like a lot of work. Okay. Let me just zap you with one of my,

why don't you hold out the offending limb and I'll just zap it with the mending ray. Shunt, is it just me or is this fucking sexy as hell? Oh, they're all better, oh man, you're looking you're getting close, yeah. Thank you, thank you for the- What you were, give me a little spin to show me that that arm's working. Okay, there, here we go.

Oh yeah, yeah. go. There it is. Oh yeah. You can slow down, you want to go so fast? Arnie, as he turns the face, I'll give him a big thumbs up and a smile. Oh, I know you might find sexy. What if I just gruesome eyeballs out of the palms of my hands?

Absolutely, now we're talking. Should we clear the room? Should I just freeze everybody and devour them? hands. Yeah, there's another globulous eating over there having dinner with somebody What the fuck and that's when I says to him I says I don't want anything to do with this if you're gonna be a ten I don't want to be here Because I think tanning is kind of gross. It smells bad It smells bad to tan leather so I'm not doing it anymore and I left I just left Uh-huh interesting interesting so interesting. So, uh. You know what I love about you? You're big, beautiful eyes.

Chant, his other date sounds just like Yucidor. That is so weird. This place is fucking nuts. It's just, you know, I've never seen such beautiful eyes before, and I just, every time I look in all 11 of them I think like you're the most beautiful eye tyrant of ever seen Oh my god, what what's going on look at that beautiful creature over oh wait a minute Is that

God damn it. I don't want you to have to see this babe but I think that's one of my kids. Oh I understand. Maybe we should just call this evening off and you know if you have to go deal with your kid I understand. I do. Or else if I turn my back or blob on him, then I'll get frozen and then... Arnie, Arnie, yeah. Are we thinking the same thing? What about blob? What is it if he blobs on him?

He says it's bad, but I just want to see it. Yeah, I don't want to see you blob on him. That's gonna be too much for me. Yousador, please, don't butt in on our conversation over here. Yeah, mind your own business. Yousador, babe, what you need to do, you need to go over there and distract him, okay? He's gonna be obviously, we have the same time. Go over and distract him.

He's gonna be all eyes on you. And then I'm gonna freeze him Fracture his soul and his body and devour it both mentally emotionally of course and physically yeah, okay, I'll go do I'll go make a distraction All right, well I still had a nice time night But good luck with your son or daughter or whatever the hell it is. Yeah, I mean, it's fine. Oh my goodness, look at these eyeballs in my hands here.

What are you doing here? Get the hell out of here. I'm having a date right now. Wait, wait, wait. I want wanna hear what he has to say. Oh, wait, I don't have anything to say, I was just looking at you with these sort of human eye stalks. So what do you think about the big beautiful eyes at the end of my hands? He doesn't think anything about it because you know what? He's your dirty old man and he doesn't need anything like you because I'm a nice girl. I'm a nice girl and this is gonna be a nice night. He is a dirty old man and he doesn't need anything like you because I'm a nice girl. I'm a nice girl and this is gonna be a nice night.

He is a dirty old man. What do we uh... What do we take this outside? You have a good got to be kidding me. What? You're still paying for dinner. I can't afford this. Excuse me, I think I have a special delivery for Globulous. Excuse me, I think I have a special delivery for globulus.

Sshhhhhh. Sshhhhhh. Ha ha ha ha. Frozen. Oh, what's happened to him? He's not moving at all. Yeah, yeah, that's what happens, babe. Why don't you watch this?

This is gonna be super gross. What? Oh, guys, thanks so much for having me on the show. I gotta devour my son. Oh! This is the most terrible thing I've ever seen. Guys thanks so much for having me on the show. I gotta devour my son Oh Terrible thing I've ever seen oh no, yeah, we're just getting started Orphans you need to come and see this too. It's gross Already I'll say it this is still the nicest restaurant nibbleball

Garçon no garçon Gaston garçon just come on. Yeah, you're getting close bring me a bib This is still the nicest restaurant in the world. It is. There he is. Garazon, no. Garazon, Gaston, Gaston. Just come on. Yeah, you're getting close. Bring me a bib. There's a cord. There you go. Oh, I thought we had a real future together.

How are you ever going to figure out which one is really use the door to get them out of here? I, well, I don't think that went particularly well. Uh, I think maybe going on a date with Globbylus was a really terrible idea. Oh, sweetie. Let's... Arnie, let's take him for ice cream. Hey, you're beautiful.

You're stunning. Oh, thank you. I love ice cream. Men are big. Oh, my goddesses. Don't look over there. Ugh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. goddesses. Don't look over there. Oh

So that's blobbing Okay You just see the eyeballs and you see the big mouth of the big tongue and you don't think about all the like all the sort of like pores and orifices You just sort of gloss over that part of it. Yeah Every time Glowty less. Oh, buddy. Hey, what's it. Sorry. What's your name? Tammy Tammy what do you want to join a podcast? Yeah, I don't mind huh. I thought she'd be more excited to get away from

Yeah, okay, come on. You know what? No, you stay there Why don't I know what a podcast is but I just don't I'm a terrible date tonight? Now I thought you know, maybe you guys are gonna be nice to me. Oh You're right. We wouldn't be nice to come over here. Okay. Do you want to interview Tammy? Tammy, how many names do you have? Just the one, just Tammy. You win, you're the new co-host. Goddesses, dammit! You saw where you can edit.

Oh, I don't know. I don't think I have the right skill set for that. No, you saw, buddy, you're stunning. You deserve all the editing in the world. And Tammy? Yeah. What's your thing? Where are you?

Do you have a thing? I like Cods. Playing Cods. Don't know. I can't. Yeah, what's your thing? Are you have a thing? I like cards playing cards Wait, we're waiting for the right match for our skill set now I'd say it's a little late in the game to start demanding excellence not what we've gotten so good at this Barely holds together use it or the wizard was played by math young Chant the talking Badger was played by Avril refi Who's it or the wizard was played by Mat Young? Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfi.

Globulous the eye-tyrant was played by special guest Stuart Wellington. Check out Stuart's hilarious bad movie podcast The Flop House. And if you find yourself in the Brooklyn area, visit the bar Stuart owns and runs, hinterlands bar and minis bar. And then you can admire that jawline for yourself. Who's ready to pander? Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

People like Chris Crowey, Tim Ellis, host of Dispatches from the Multiverse, wow, plugging your own podcast in the credits of our podcast, keeping it classy, Mr. Ellis, Gabriel John Hyatt, EMS Lieutenant Matt Powers, Wes Harris, Omed Bazzotti, Emily Cardamus, we're only now giving Emily a shout-out. She was there for us when we were nothing. I guess that doesn't really narrow it down. Rihanna Reed Lobato, Sammy Cruz, Tim Cody, Travis the talking human, well, Lady Ostrance, Travis, and Dustin Kittleson, who is absolutely a kitten disguised as a cowboy.

Patrons get ad-free episodes on limited oyster crackers at the soup bar, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Last week there was even an extra bonus episode, The Masters of Mayhem live show. Here's a clip. Squibs, can I just say first of all, can I call you a squibs? Because you're full name is Squibber. Yeah, it's not a bad word in this mythical universe.

Is it it? Is it? In other parallel universes if you understand, maybe it is a bad word, and if you don't then just pretend you get it and that's all good. I can. Oh. If we're dealing with multiverses, I'll just leave now, because I'm not going to keep track of them, and I will just fall asleep. And we still get your ticket press. That's right, yeah, you still paid. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ah, the Ruffle Feather! Who's here from Mattetown? Woo!

This place is a fucking barn. By the way. Yeah, it's a hut out in the woods filled with thieves and evil magic doers, and I really feel like our kind of people. Yeah! And they are surprisingly good-looking thieves and people of unknown origins. I see a lot of big hats and little smiles,

and that's mystery to me, and I like it. I'm gonna sit down if we're gonna... Yeah, should we perhaps take a seat? I'll be trying to this whole time. All right. That's great. Ah. Winter's Solstice.

Can't spell it without soul. I think you can. To hear the rest of that and see lots of professional pictures of unprofessional performers taken at the live event, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arning Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Raffaie. Post production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. And I am out. Pretty good if I direct a word what's wrong? You look pale. The subject reads as... inert. What? Hank is neutralized. It's over. It's over? Shut it down. Shut it all down.

We can finally dispense with the podcast nonsense. Foon nibble bottom. My goodness, you think we made it all up on the spot. Director, ward this seems so abrupt. Sorry. I forget your tiny mind can barely comprehend. Hank is in a state of stasis, blocked from causing mass destruction. Your work is done. Thank you. Wow. Tim, what a hero you've been. If only the world knew the sacrifices you've made. But with Hank defeated, you can be on your way.

The attendance will show you out. Sure thing, glad I could do my part. Of course. Of course what? If we wanted to banish Hank entirely, we'd have to... No. No, the risk is too great. Director Ward, whatever it takes, I'm ready.

I knew you were a hero, Tim. I didn't realize you were a legend. Are you ready to begin something extraordinary? I am. Follow me to the Armory. You