Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 69 - Traveling Salesman

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

A down on his luck traveling salesman stops by desperate to make a sale.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiWally Liman: Andy JunkMysterious Man: Tim SniffenDirector Ward: Shane WilsonProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Well, my stuff is packed up, I'm ready to leave the institute. I guess this is goodbye. Tim, your service was exemplary. We won't forget you. And I won't forget you, because I can't remember much before you. Right. Well, I'll just put your stuff over here by this untested institute technology for you to grab on your way out.

Thanks. What is that anyway? Oh, this? You wouldn't care. I guess you'd call it a portal inducer. It's nothing you could operate anyway. Right. Hey, this is weird.

There's a transmission coming through your interception console. I thought those would have stopped with the world being saved and all. Huh. Yes, that is weird. Why not put it through and see what happens. You think? Sure, sure. It's probably congratulations or... or something. Right, good thinking. People of the following podcast is as not real as the center of that gooey circular thing, the Earth Company Cadbury produces this time of year. The Cadbury Slyme Over, I think it's called.

Inedible, though I've heard talk that it's a viable fuel source for certain interstellar propulsion engines. With that in mind, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Fools. Yes. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. It years and four weeks ago, I fell through a magical portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town and nibble bottom, at the base of the unnamedable mountain in the magical land of food. And I'm joined, as always, by my cohort, Caroline, John Tatoge, and Badger. Bing-Bong!

Arnie, thank you for doing the voice. I don't know what it is about that voice, but I love it so much. Very, excuse me, I can only maintain it for so long, but you still think after last week that that how I should open every episode? Yes, there's something. Magicals are wrong words.

Something supernatural about that voice. It just erases my heckles. It like, uh, gismic goose bumps. It raises your heckles? Oh, no, I don't mean more heckles. Hey, you there, shut up. Sorry, that guy over there is bothering us. Ernie, also, I want to thank you so much.

I learned such a wonderful parenting tip from you this week. Okay. You and I were trying to put Aggie Baby to sleep. Yes. And we could not tell if he had been good that day or bad that day. And you said why don't we put him in four feet of cold water and if he sinks to the bottom he's good. And if he floats to the top he's been bad. And that has been such a great system for me to just check up on Aggie Baby and see whether or not he's been, you know, being a being a little asshole, I'll say it a little asshole, run around, or if he's been a good little boy. I'm just saying it's a good system for eggs, it's a good system for witches. But no unlike my suggestion of turning the heat up on the water to turn him into a hard

boiled detective. Yeah, maybe when he's older. Mm-hmm. Um, but right now it just, that just seems, um, seems a little too much. We're putting a lot on him. I get a lot of pressure. And you don't want to put pressure on an egg? Oh, I am joined by my other co-bork, user of the ghost. I was user of the, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a fizziest master of lightning shadow, manipulative dragon of magical lights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus, the elves muse

Fiengallik, the dwarves Numiya's zone of new extendues, and I was known throughout the northeast as gasmanias meystar, but now I ha keep saying that as if it's gonna make something happen. Whoa, looks like you saw us trapped in the Scrying Pool. How'd you get in there? You saw it get out of there. What the fuck? Follin' my voice. You saw it all.

Follin' my voice. Get me out of here. I want a talk like that too. Oh yeah baby. Oh yeah, bye bye. We should do a full episode of this voice, aren't we? I love this voice. This is a good voice.

Sorry, I just fell in that prescribed pool for a second. Don't worry, you said, or there's no way you could do a whole episode of voice. Yeah, ruin your throat. How dare you. So how's the house ghost stuff? Uh, you know, being transparent. Hmm. Boring, you know, people can see right through me and a lot of times

I feel like I'm hearing about it. They're not, so boring. They're not really looking at me because they're just looking through me. It's the novelty. You're doing it right now, you're looking at it. Oh, there's something interesting behind you on the wall. You saw, you, you spoke my memory when you said,

how dare you, how's your new program going? How dare you to keep kids off magic? So, hey, hold on, is that the full title? How dare you to keep kids off magic? The dare is capitalized. It's hard to, I mean, you sort of can verbalize it, right? It's how dare you. Are you trying to keep kids off magic

or are you trying to stop people from keeping kids off magic? It's how dare you to keep kids off magic or are you trying to stop people from keeping kids off magic? It's how dare you to keep kids off magic. So the premise is how dare you teach kids about magic. But then if you put a poster out, you don't write how dare you teach magic to kids, you write how dare you to keep kids off magic. So people know what a talking about. Yeah, and there's, I've seen posters all over town, and it's usurped in his big hat pointing straight out from the poster.

It almost looks like his fingers coming right for your face. It is. I'm coming right for your face. I have to say you said, or your programs around town are always a little confusing. Like you said, all those posters that would just say, read on them, but then you'd have like, you'd be holding a book that was on fire.

I'm like, is, are we supposed to be reading? Are we not supposed to be reading? Well, I wanted to promote people to read more, to be more literate. Uh, and I think the way to illustrate that is to write putting a book aflame, to let them know that the hottest, most delicious, sexy stuff is all in a book. You know, I started a reading program a few years ago around town, Arnie. I don't know if you saw the posters.

It's me kind of shrugging and it says, fuck it. And the fuck it program is a great reading program because with fuck it, what happens is if you read a book or even if you don't, I don't really fucking care, fuck it. I give you a button that just says, fuck it. And that lets people know, like, fuck off. If you're gonna ask me if I read a book,

like by your own business, and then you also get a personal pan-fox face. So you can come to, well, at the time you can come to Cheuchy's town, redeem your fuck it pin for a personal pan-fox face. We didn't get a single redemption. Now that I'm thinking about it, take a look, I fucked the book.

Party what? Now what was that? Was that part of it? Which one so I don't open it? Yeah, I'll never tell. I fucked the book. Marty, what? No, was that part of it? Which one so I don't open it? Yeah, I'll never tell. I don't know. Where's for sale? Anybody need me?

Where's, I got tons of where's, and I need to get rid of them now. Oh, how you doing, folks? Oh, where? I might need some where's. Oh, what a firm handshake. Let go, let go, let go. Pleasure to meet you.

What's your name, son? Nice to meet you. I got a nice smile. nice firm handshake yourself. My name's Wally Lyman, and I am dying to sell you something, my man. I need to make a say. Wally Lyman? That's right. Born in bread, mother's name was Wally, dad's name was Lyman, and that's how we got the name.

Hold on, you were born in bread? I was born in bread. Did they have to slice it open and get you out? Or did you heat your way out? Well, it's sort of like a water birth. So my mom dipped her hips in deep into a bunch of dough and the heat from my birth popping out there. I came out hot and I'm coming in half for you folks and I got some stuff.

I got to get off my hands and play. I tell you, at this point, I don't even need the commission. I just need the point. So what you're looking at here, you want some mithril you want some red potion I got so pretty got mason some mason and drowning mason I love maces uh well uh I'll take a look at these maces if you if you laid them out for us to see please here they are you can have your pick of any one of them hey to tell you what you look like a nice guy nice honest guy I'm gonna give you buy one get one free you get one mason gonna give you another mason on the house. I am very honest. Don't have a question my honesty again

Never would hey honest knows honest. I tell you what I'm an honest guy You look like an honest guy yourself. There's no way I would possibly question your integrity my friend You've got integrity through the roof. Oh, well you mentioned being honest several times, so you must be very honest. Yeah, if you're really honest you say it all the time, and so I make sure I make sure... I make sure everybody knows that I'm honest because I'm talking about it constantly. That's how people know I'm fighting evil. Here we go! You're a good guy, why won't you name my friend?

My name is Yusadol, the blue wizard. I fought and defeated the Dark Lord, and now I am both this ghostly apparition you see before the... John, John, I feel like these two guys could just talk any shaman for like hours. Yeah, I'm really just sitting back and watching. This is fantastic. But let me tell you more, for I was brought into this world by a confluence of rain and words and fires and fire that insisted a must be a champion One who would come down and make sure that evil was struck out in all of its forms

And where did you see you are from again? Arnie we got a talk off. We got it all fashion talk off Well, I tell you what I am from northeast hogs face I've been hiking all over the dang place trying to find somebody who's willing to take this stuff off my hands and I tell you it is dry out there my man dry as a bone But luckily I found myself three wonderful customers. I mean buddies who are gonna help me out here because I tell you what I got 36 beautiful boys and I got to feed them. I once transformed myself into a bone and I appeared before my sweet lady, Genelevia. And she did say,

I think there's some meat on that bone and transform it herself into a plate of crepes over six feet tall. While everything the salesman says makes me want to ask him questions and everything you said or says makes me angry. Well, tell you what, you got a beautiful lady, you got to get her a beautiful piece of jewelry, maybe a beautiful dress, I tell you what, take a look here, I got necklaces, I got rings, I got ear rings, I got toe rings,

I got every kind of ring, you can imagine, knee rings even. Now Arnie, I don't know if you've ever been party to a old-fashioned talk off, but you have to judge it on a few things. Okay. Speed, volume, number of words per minute. See, sure insane confidence.

Not listening anymore. And segue ability, which is when your opponent stops talking, you immediately latch onto anything they said and launch into your own story. Okay, well, where was that again? Arneesh, there's no time, there's no time. Oh, there's no time, not even for segue, be able to do it.

He used to start talking again. 36 children, that's so many that reminds me of no time. Oh, there's no time. Not even for segue. Be able to do it. Yes, it started to talk again. 36 children. That's so many that reminds me of the time. I fought 36 Minutors. I drew my sword and raised my staff. And I held them both aloft. And I kept the Minutors at bay for over 12 hours. Until someone came to help. Minutors are a tough sell. I'll tell you what, because they have both bottom halves of one animal and top halves of another. So you get to sell both things. It's a tough sell, I'll tell you what, because they have both bottom halves of one animal

and top halves of another, so you gotta sell both things. It's a tricky sale, I'll tell you what, but I make it happen because I am the best, or at least I was the best until things have been a little rough recently, I gotta be honest with you, which is why I am so desperate to help you into whatever I got here for you today. Oh no, your mustaches fell off, things are rough.

Oh gosh, your mustache just fell off. Things are rough. Oh gosh, sorry. Yeah, don't pay no attention to the lip behind the curtain. He calls a mustache a curtain. I guess it is kind of a curtain for the mouth. What can I say, buddies? What can I offer you? How about you? You're a squirrel or something like that.

You want some nuts? You want some, I think I'll give you anything. This is Yusador. This this is chant and we're by nuts Yeah, getting that that's what it was it's been so long and I was just so caught up in the talkoff are you you're chant and you said or of the talking nuts Podcast that's right that's right that's right. Yeah, yeah, I'm on the road so much you to keep me sane No, I listen to every single episode of you I the one on wall not to change my life changed my dang life

Well, can I just say it was you said her idea to implement a spell into each episode to keep people sane? Yes, I thought that I thought after a few million episodes I thought you know save someone try to solve this I thought, you know, save someone try to solve this. They're going to lose their fucking minds. What kind of spell is embedded in this show along with the Magic Tavin? Oh, Arnie, there are so many secrets interwoven throughout.

Hello from the Magic Tavin that only once a listener hears the entire podcast from beginning to end. Well, it's true magic. Be ready. Arnie, did you catch it? And he just did a spell that made listeners kind of scratch the inside of their eye a little bit. Well, it's true magic. Be ready. Ernie, did you catch it? He just did a spell that made listeners kind of scratch the inside of their eye a little

bit like Rob. Like Rob, right where the eye meets the nose a little bit. And they didn't even realize they were doing it. Did you listen or? But what am I gonna buy? That's what I want to know. I gotta buy some of this stuff. Ernie, can I get you anything?

I guess I'm in the market for some wares. Ah, well, I've got wares galore, my friend. What kind of wares you interested in? Do you have worn wares? Warn wares. I've got new wares, I've got worn wares, I've got old wares, I've got... Like second hand?

I've got a second hand, third hand, fourth hand. You name it, I've got the hand for it. Softwares? Got softwares, hardwares, I've got no wares. I've got any wares you name it. I said softwares. Why are you trying to softwares? I'll take a look at the hardwares. Yeah, you know wares, I've got any wares, you name it. I said software. Why are you trying to solve it? I'll take a look at the Hardwares.

Yeah, you know, sometimes you start off with a software and you can't help yourself, you start clicking on the hardware and you get a good time, what can I tell you? Okay, let's just look in this chest here. Ooh, Arnie, dirty magazines. What is on these magazines? Sorry, they're Hardcover magazines. What do you call those on our books?

It's like a magazine, but with a hardcover books. Yeah. Sorry, I did fall in the mud on the way here, so they are filthy, but I can sell you a hose to wipe them clean if you need. Oh yeah, do you? Oh, hold on, hold on. Hold on. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, cut off of my house, so I've got a bunch of hoses, and at this point the best they're used for is rags

Wiping houses Wally could you excuse us for one moment here? I'll pay for this mace, and I'll pick out my second one later You suffer the money to buy yourself a drink at the bar and and we'll be with you in one moment and I'll take this copy of nasty mouths Onnie chun yeah, I think that this salesman from some of the things he's been hinting at maybe doubt on his luck Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho engaging in old fashioned talkoff. Right, yeah, I was in an old fashioned talkoff. Could you tell? Good segue ability, yeah. That reminds me of the time I did the most incredible segue. No, talkoff, man. Come on. No, but he mentioned having 36 children and having a shut off the water. I mean, water just comes out of his stream. How do they even do that?

Yeah. We should keep buying stuff because I don't want to be the death of this guy. I don't want to be the death of this salesman either. So I think we should buy as much as we can. And probably we'll also just feel happier because like we're all looking for something and maybe that will help fill the void if we buy some stuff. Sure. Yes, let's make him happy. Let's make him biff. I mean buff. Oh, I feel like I'm having a stroke. All right, tell me what, how would I sell you a drink, my friend? I'll sell you a drink. You can't sell me tell you what, how would I sell you a drink, my friend? I'll sell you a drink.

You can't sell me a drink. I'm gonna sell you a drink, my buddy. Thank you very much. It's been a pleasure talking to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what, you tell your wife I say hello. Oh my gosh, thank you so much for that nice little break there. I really needed something to wet the whistle now.

I got myself a brand new bag, and I'm ready to talk wildly to y'all. Oh, sorry. We're actually gonna take a longer break right now, and then when we come back, we'll talk to you some more. Ah, fair enough, anything for advertisement? I'm down. Should we tell him that Otox' wife has been dead for years?

So, Wally, I wasn't listening to most of what you said in the first segment. Could you tell me who you are, what your deal is? Names Wally Lyman and I'm a salesman. I'm here to sell wares here and far. I travel all over the world, I'll over fooling quite frankly. Well, I gotta tell you, it's been rough recently. It's been a tough couple seasons. And let's just say Old Man Rent is biting down my neck here and I got 36 beautiful boys and each one of them needs some food.

So what's that? Beautiful boys. Oh yes, they are gorgeous. In a way, I stop saying anything too effusive about their looks because I don't want to sound like a creep, but they are good-looking kids I hear from everybody. These are beautiful, beautiful boys. And wait a minute, you said old man rent.

That wouldn't be Arthur Rent, would it? Is Arthur Rent the Lord of your land? Yes, Arthur Rent is the Lord of my land, and he is crushing me with these things, I tell ya. Every month he wants payment, every month. That guy's a fucking pig. I think that's how rent works. Have you in my hand been talking pig, Arthur Rent?

I've met some talking pigs, but I don't think I've met Arthur. But they all seem the same to you. Wow. No, like no, Arthur rent doesn't sound anything like Thomas Fouri, who I think is dead. So all dead people just look alike. Wow, eventually. How do you feel about that, Yusudor?

That seems like pointed directly at you. Well, I mean, I would be more concerned about it, except that everyone seems to be looking right through me at whatever's going on behind me. Hey, I see you, Yusudor. I see you, and I see the money in your pocket, and I wanna make a separation. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, yeah. Well, I've already bought one mace, and you know, I decided I'd just go ahead and pay full price for the second one, if you don't mind. No, No I guy like you couldn't possibly uh I couldn't possibly string you along that way I tell you what take that mace for free take another couple maces for free you you you seem like an honest fella and I'm gonna make sure you're taking care of today. In fact here's here's 30 gold pieces uh just for you guys for the company I've been having a good time. Oh okay. Well I have a question for you. Yeah shoot away. In your job, and I'm not trying to discourage you

or make you self-conscious, in your job, are you getting the good leads or? Yeah, it's been a rough one. It seems like the good leads are just always a with a way for me, just so close, and so that's so far away. But you know, I just go back to my constant motto motto here which is ABC always be crying because it is all about there I tell you what I am dying I'm drowning. That slogan took a turn because you seemed very upbeat sounding when you

said the first couple of words but then it took a really the segue ability into the crying part was really shocking. Well, I've mastered the art of segues because I am a fast talker and I do talk-offs left and right. So when it comes to segues, I got that locked down. Now, I'm concerned, much as Chanty is about your profession. You just gave me several maces of seemingly high quality. Absolutely, these are the best of the best. Would you like some more?

Take the gun, take the gun. No, no, no, please. If you're giving away all your wares, plus giving me gold, 30 pieces, it's not an insignificant amount of gold. Maybe that's part of why you're having trouble selling. You need to take money in exchange for goods and services. Well, you don't sound like your salesman yourself.

And let me tell you, I've been doing this for a long time. I was a very, very wealthy man when I started off. And you know, you got to spend money to make money. And I'm still waiting for the second half of that sentence there. But I got that first one locked down. How wealthy? Were you like a do-car or something? I was basically a merchant of high regard.

So I was not, oh, I was not necessarily a wealthy land owner, but I was, you know, I'd hop knob with the folks. I, I know my kings and my queens here and there, you know, and hang out. Oh, wow. And then of course, yeah, I started the salesman profession and let's just say it was all downhill from there. And I'm not talking downhill like sledding,

I'm talking downhill like tumbling. So somehow you are a wealthy merchant who had a lot of money even though you didn't sell anything. Tung's, I was rich! And then you started selling things and you started losing money and still that time to have 36 beautiful boys? Well, we did it in three go, so it was a three-doz tuplets. And I tell you, my wife was really upset the second and third time that happened the first time she was shocked the second time She was pissed and the third time she was out of there. She is gone. It's me into the boys. Yes, it's a big house A house of many here fighting always rough housing constantly. We are a I tell you what there's a smoke cloud popping around our house

Because we're always tussling now I got to ask the three does tuplets. Did they all come out like linked arm and arm or foot on foot or almost like a congeline? How did they come out? It was basically like, you ever see one of those automatic crossbowls, which is like, rattata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata? That's basically the sound it made as they popped out of my beautiful wife, former wife, ex-wife.

But why was making the noise? What was making the head run-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-ata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-tata-t that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, yeah, it's an image for you, but it's my life. I tell you what, can understand why your wife maybe decided to leave because if there was a fourth round of that up for her, I'm sure. Who could, who could, I'm a man she lived through three of those. I will never hear the sound right. The same way again. I'll be honest.

I tell you what, you know, they say, say, 36 beautiful boys is a party and, uh, 48 beautiful boys is a crowd. And so, uh, yeah, she got out while they're getting as good as what can I say. So what are their names? Are they all named Greg? Smart.

Uh, Greg? Yeah, uh, Greg. We considered numbering them, but, uh, at a certain point, it became unwieldy to even do that. So it's just Greg, I yell, Greg, get over here and they all tumble up and they pop up. They're like, you know, they like the form little colonies, they're, you know, like an ant farm

that's basically what my house is. Sounds terrifying. It is horrifying, that's why I'm always on the road. Well, Wally, can I ask you, what does a merchant do? Like, as opposed to a salesman, what did you do when you were a merchant? A merchant mostly just sort of sits in a high happy castle and collects money from selling things and has a store front perhaps, maybe goes around and has a regular customers.

It's a pretty easy life, a little too easy if you ask me, and a salesman hustles a salesman, gets out there, hits the bricks, goes walk on around making sure that everybody's got what they need and you get what you need, which is in my case, endless suffering. But I'm hoping that I'm going to turn the corner just around this, maybe the next season. So it sounds like the difference between being a merchant, being a salesman is the struggle and less work-life balance. You know how an artist, when they're happy, does not make good art?

That's how I feel about sales. You gotta be suffering to be a good salesman. And I am the best salesman I've ever met. Yeah, ABC, and you haven't stopped seeing this whole time. Yeah, even when I'm laughing, there's tears crawling down my face, what can I say? Yeah, the listener might not realize this from the tone of your voice, that you're weeping most of the time.

Oh, yeah, I gotta keep hydrated. That's why I got this little glass of ale here to keep at least some liquid in my body, because Lord knows it's coming out my eyes. I haven't peed in six years. Well that might be an unrelated issue that you might want to see an apothecary about, but Well, I'm curious. What else can I buy from you today? Well, let me look at you here. Yeah, yeah, you got blue on you look great and blue What do you say I get you a new tunic here? I got this brand new tunic lined with gold lace here very expensive

I'll tell you what I'll give it to you for your steel. In fact, I'll let you steal it. Here you go No, no, no, let me pay for it Well, I guess yes, I see a sign here on your wears. It says, Steel one, get one. Absolutely, yeah, if you manage to steal one and I'll let you, you get another one for free. No problem. Wow, that's a good deal. You should already should take it. Right. But if you steal one, you already get one.

So, technically, if you steal one, you get two. Is it Steel one, get one or Steel one, get two? At this point, you could take whatever you want to, is it still one get one or still one get to? Uh, at this point, you could take whatever you want and I'm not gonna look at I. But that's not a business. It is a business. I'm a very successful salesman and I'm dying out here. You, Sador, you can't afford to not take this deal.

Look at that sign. It says, if you don't take this deal, you owe him three million coins. You should, what are you doing? Why would I owe him three million coins. You should, or what are you doing? Why would I owe him three million coins if I didn't steal from him? It's all in a sign. Are you gonna argue with a sign, you said, or?

That's ancient magic. You're right. Well, fine, I'm gonna steal these, this salt and pepper shaker that looks like a couple of ducks. There you go. Isn't hers salt and pepper shakers. Now let me just make your seat up here on this,

which one's his? Gold piece coin. Yeah, I can't tell. Is salt or pepper? I don't know why we're generating salt and pepper. A, C, salt and pepper. Salt and pepper? I think it's salt and peppers.

I'm rapidly going back and forth between which one I think is pepper. Like I keep thinking of good reasons for either way. You're gonna lose your mind when I introduce paprika into the equation. What can I tell you? It's salt and pepper, it's not salt and pepper, Steve. Very loud. Interesting.

Uh, well, is that my receipt? Yeah. Yeah, it's just right here. I put it on a gold piece. You can take that home. No. Shine it up and enjoy it. How would you do that? Because I don't want you to lose it.

If I put it on paper, you'd throw it away. All right. All right. Well, somebody else buys something. I don't know what else to do. Why, can I buy you a drink? Hey, I'm not going to say no to a drink. Does it, oh, I don't know if I've

ended you. Do salesman drink? Do salesman drink? Do salesman drink? Yeah. Yeah. Say, do actors turn into a series of bats? Yes, salesman drink. Do not worry about it.

I can drink you under the table. In fact, I'll sell you the table and then I'll sleep underneath it because I don't have a house. Okay. What's your pick your poison? I drink ale, straight straight ale left and right ale It's nice and cheap and it gets you wasted. Okay, I'll be right back. Are you anything? I'll read potion

No, you'll have a child red potion You sort of anything water, okay? Hearty ale for me great. I'll be right back Now I couldn't help but notice you just mentioned you don't have a house? No, well the boys have basically filled out the house. There's no space for little all me in there That's my mom always on the road. Ah So you own a house, but you Wally don't have a house

Now, I mean, I can look at it from the outside. I can crawl around the roof And maybe try to get an elbow through a window, but at this point, it's pretty much jam packed with beautiful boys named A-Greg. Bolly, I'm gonna throw out a theory. Is it possible you're just trying to avoid your beautiful boys? Like you had 36 beautiful boys and you're like, I gotta get a little bit more work into this work like balance. Arnie, I wish I could call you insightful, but it's obvious.

I definitely do not wanna be home with those beautiful boys. They're always wrestling. They're always swearing. There's, tell you what I don't know if you've had to deal with boys before, but they are disgusting and they are in the bathroom fighting over the bathroom in there for hours at a time making a little conga line trying to make something happen in there and I do not like it. Wally perhaps they are this way because they lack parental guidance. Perhaps they are this way because they lack parental guidance Perhaps they need Their father. Oh my goodness. I never thought of that before. I know mother has gone

Pratt well now they think about me. They need their mother. Yeah, not you You start here. You go here's a hearty ale. Are you here's a potion flavored water? Okay, and while here you go, I got you 36 ails, one for each of your beautiful boys. Oh, here we go. Whoa, he's doing flips. Wow, really. Whoa, I thought he was back.

He dropped the one of those bottles. Go, go. Oh, yeah. He's missing his mouth so much at the time. Whoa. He he he. But he looks good doing it. No wonder he's dehydrated.

Hey, catch! Oh, uh, uh, watch out. He's just headbutting them. Yeah! Now I'm feeling good. Boy, am I parched. Can I maybe get another drink? Uh, while you've drank quite a bit,

and you also, well, you drink quite a bit and you also dropped or spill about 22 to 26 of those on you, you shouldn't go home tonight. If you come home drunk to your beautiful boys. Yeah, you those on you, you shouldn't go home tonight. If you come home drunk to your beautiful boys. Yeah, you know what? Maybe I shouldn't go home tonight. Good point, Sean. I probably shouldn't go home tonight.

I like what you guys were saying before, but I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, a little too much. I should probably sleep here tonight. Well, he jumped on that so fast. Yeah. I suppose you can just, you can crash in my room here at the strange familiar. Yeah. Absolutely. I would love to do such a thing.

And for your honesty and generosity, I'm gonna give you, I'll tell you what, here's another couple maces for you. No. You're a new tunic, and here's 36 gold pieces. I'm so bad, man, you're my best friend, and I'm so happy to have you. What?

I'm your best friend. You're my only friend, and therefore you're my best friend. Should I upgrade from a prel fuels to walley light? You sort of, I don't know if this is an upgrade. This guy is sourced and he's volunteeringly rebanding his children, his 36 beautiful boys. Barky, 36 more this way buddy. Ah shit, what have I done?

Well, it's just, I see you and Ani have such a fun, you know, best friendship and I don't get to, you know, have a best friend all the time. So, you know, best friendship and I don't get to, you know, have a best friend all the time. So, you know, I gotta take what I can get. Hey, hey best friend. Yeah, right here for you, buddy. I'd like to pay you for these maces that you, so generously, gave to me tonight.

Now that our friendship has been confirmed to be best in nature, my friend, I could not accept money from you, not a million years. Oh, well, how are you going to make money as a salesman? I'm still working out the details on that. I'm going to crack the code in a second. Now, I feel like prosperity is right around the corner.

OK, OK. He keeps bringing up corners. Something's always around the corner or just up the bend. Just on the horizon. Yeah, this guy's fucking stuck. I'm at the edge of something great, I can feel it. He's in a vicious circle. He's walking in circles.

A circle famous for corners. Ha ha ha. Wally, is it possible? The users need to slow down a little bit. Yeah, yeah. You're just like marching, running forward, throwing products at people. Maybe is it time for you to slow down and reflect?

Oh, man, I mean, Arnie, you bring up an interesting point. Yeah, I do that. Maybe I should take a breath, look back at what I've done over my life, and oh boy. I gotta tell you, this feels a lot worse than running and going. My boys, beautiful A-grag and oh god, an A-grag. Oh my god, an A-grag. Oh, yes, an A-grag. And let's cut to a break while he has realizations

about each of his 36 sons. Oh my God, an egg reg, beautiful egg reg. An egg reg, oh, he's supposed to be learning piano, but I can't afford lessons. Oh, my beautiful boys, my beautiful boys! You said, oh, and he chanted, I've appreciated this time, but I think I gotta get back to my family. It may be difficult. It may not feel good at first, but working through these emotions and coming to terms with these things,

is going to help you in the long run. I owe her half to me. Yeah, well, I gotta be honest, if I may share a little story, I have one beautiful boy. He's a giant egg, eggy baby, and there's a time where he was gone for my life. He was taken from me and I could have searched harder I presume. And when I finally found him, I think he resented me. I think all that sort of karma built up to the point where he didn't want to be around me at first and I had to win him back over and at the end of the day all I was left with was karma and egg. And now look at their relationship. Shunches using eggy baby as a footstool. Yeah, I'm just suggesting my feet here. That's so comfy.

Sounds like maybe what I'm preparing myself for is the ultimate sale, because I got to sell myself to 36 beautiful boys packed tight into a cottage back hole. Oh, you didn't mention their packed tight. Oh yeah, it is disgusting. Are these stacked? Are these stacked, Gregs? I wouldn't call it stacked, more smushed,

but there's not a lot of breathing room in there and they somehow make it work. Wally, would you like our help? Do you want to practice what you would say to your boys and we could be at least three of A-grags? That would be wonderful. And for your time here, here's 25 gold pieces. Oh, that's so much.

I couldn't possibly. Aigwragg, Aigwragg, and Aigwragg. You're my three oldest, my three best. I love you more than, yes. I am so sorry. Every time you say Aigwragg, Aigie baby starts to shake a little bit. I think he thinks you're saying egg Greg or egg egg. So could you really enunciate or whatever you need to do?

Just don't make it sound like egg. Sure, sure, sure, sure. How about I say lettuce, Greg? Perfect, thank you, thank you. I sold, you sold me out of it. Wait, wait, no, no, no, no, we've got a problem. That giant sentient pile of lettuce that sits behind the table, that we... Have we never mentioned that lettuce on the show before?

The guy's always in prayer, right? I think so. Let us pray. Yes. Let us pray. Yes. And he's a romaine Catholic. Mm.

All right, well, listen now. I'm gonna call you all Tim. We'll just call you Tim for the sake of brevity. Yeah, that works. Yeah, so let's start back over and you say Tim. All right, Tim, Tim and Tim, I gotta tell you, I know I haven't been there for you. When your mother left, it felt like a part of me left with her.

And I look at you when I see myself and I think ultimately the stuff that I don't like about me is the stuff that I don't like in you And I want to find the stuff that I like in you and start to like myself too And if you'll have me and you can maybe squeeze Together a little tighter. Maybe I can slip in there and and be a father to you What do you say boys? Will you have all wally lime in back in your life? I don't know, Dad! Well as the youngest baby boy Tim, I personally find that I would like you to be our father.

Oh, what do you say Tim and Tim? Do you agree with Tim? I agree! 36 beautiful boys! Oh! What do you say we start a show choir boys? I think we got the talent, I think we got the goods and Lord knows I got the marketing skills. What do you say Tim's? Yeah I got so. I'm into it. You should redo the voice.

What? We're all doing like a fucking Tim voice. Yeah? Ah, he said I couldn't do voices. He said you couldn't maintain voices. Yeah. Oh, Wally, how long are we doing this? Well, we got three, so we got to do this,

how many more times? 13 more times, we should be okay. You start on doing the voice. I'll try. Listen, whatever voice you want to do statistically, one of my voices is going to have it, so don't worry, you're going to be okay. Hey, I'm Tim number four,

and I'm all thumbs up for this deal. And I'm Tim number four and I'm all thumbs up for this deal I'm Tim 22 and I'm saying big old yes. I'm Tim's five six and seven. We're in smart smart. Yeah This is beautiful. This is beautiful You know what at this point? I think we've got quorum enough of here on my side that the rest of them are just gonna So come to peer pressure and they should be here too All right I'm Tim 13 and I guess you don't hear what I have to say. Tim 13, can you shut up? Get in the closet, Tim 13! Get fricking the closet!

Tim 13 is a cool name. And actually dad, we've created a game while you were gone. It's time to play, name that Tim! Close your eyes and turn around and one of us Tim's is gonna talk and you have to name that Tim I think I could name that Tim in one note He's gonna submit his answer in writing Okay, also Tim's we rehearsed this name that come on That come on There's 35 other

You're doing it now we rehearsed it. I'm I'm I'm I'm up here Name that Tim Okay, I already you sound? Oh. Um. That's gotta be my boy Tim. Damn, got it one. Daddy! Well folks, I tell you what, you made me feel like a father again, and I'm ready to do just that.

Be a pop to those boys. Oh, while we were no experts, but I have to imagine it'll go exactly like that. My beautiful Tim's. Oh, A-Gregs, A-Gregs. Oh, no. Oh, boy, now I'm going to call him Tim. Do you know what all your kids' names are? Tim is so much catcher.

I know. A-Greg, it's like... You know what? Maybe I can sell them on Tim. If I can make them love me as a father, I think I can change their name to Tim. Actually, Wally, I assume A-Greg is a period Greg, so each A stands for a different A name, a name for each individual starting with the letter A. Can you go through those A names?

Actually, A was the beginning of a series. I was going to call that X1 B Tim, but the kept coming out so fast I just stuck with A. Did you notice that? You said B Tim. You said B Tim. To B you're not to B Tim, I suppose. But I'm sticking with A-Tim left and right. A-A-A! Now look, if you're A-Graggs want to be called Tim, uh, and you make this seem desirable to them through your salesmanship, then you can withhold love

and not change that name until they love you. Mmm. Now there's a tactic. I love what you're saying, you Sidor. You are a salesman at heart, and that's the nicest thing I've ever said to anybody. Oh, Wally, I think it's time to grig at home because it's about him.

You become a father. Yeah, what chunt said. Ornie, thank you. Honestly, that's a nice thing to remember. Can we get a shirt in the merch store? They just says what chunt said? Yeah. What chunt said?

Hey, just one, you can have three, and you got to steal them from me. And I'll give you a 65 gold pieces just for the smile, my friend. Thank you so much. Oh, yeah, I didn't even think of that. Should we get Wally to do our merch for us? Oh, yeah, Wally. Oh, you already don't sell enough for me.

Oh, now I'll make sure that this merch is gone. Don't worry, everybody's going to have that merch. Can't promise any sales necessarily, but you're definitely gonna be, that merch is gonna be off your hands. That sounds good to me. While, what are some, before you go, what are some, just kind of tools of the trade? Like, how does one become a salesman? How does somebody go from a man to a salesman?

Well, first thing you gotta do is you gotta get wares. And if you have wares, then you know where you gotta go next, which is the market. You go to the market, and then you start talking. And then fast if you talk, the more people are going to listen, my friend. And you say their name, people love here in their name. Don't you love hearing your name? Chunch, chunch, chunch. Chunch, chunch. Chunch, chunch. Sounds good to you. Oh, the most beautiful sound in the world, honestly. And once I got you on my side, I start throwing merchandise at you and then toss and coins your way, and then I run away as fast as I possibly can. Okay, so once we have wears, I believe we had, I read this somewhere. It wasn't a nasty mouth's magazine.

Can't remember where it was that you have to kind of house your wears. So I think what that requires is you should wear your wizard. We would have to in Chanta House to every full moon turn into a warehouse. to every full moon, turn into a warehouse. And then when it changes or transforms, we can then store our wares in it for that night of the full moon. I can definitely help set that up, get you a warehouse that transforms on the full moon. Can I see that nasty mouth?

Oh yeah, here you go. Careful it's covered in mud, wink and mud. It's filthy. Wally, this brings up a question. Where did you get all of your wares from originally? A generational wealth. Oh, yeah. Oh, sucks to hear that.

That makes a lot of sense. So you're gonna like lose most of it, but then still have more money than most people and be perceived as a success. I'm a wild success. I've got a book right now coming out called The Art of the Steel, because people steal from me constantly,

and I can't have enough. Are you, wait, lineman, is that your last name? Lyman, Wally Lyman. Oh, Lyman of V Lymans? Absolutely, yeah, you've heard of us. Yeah, Arnie, this is a family that goes back generations. They helped dispose of dead bodies, the linens. They would bury them, mix this concocture into the grave

and bingo bingo, the body disappears. Bingo bingo, the body disappears? Oh, that should be on a shirt. We should get into wires. We should become salesmen. Well, if you ever need any tips, you know who to call my friends. I am always at your back-end call ready to service you. When anyway, you're my best friend though. And I just wanted to say, I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you make a fortune to me.

I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well.

I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well.

I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're doing well. I hope very concerned for you. I'm very concerned for your sons. I'm so happy you're my best friend though. And I just wanted to say, I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you make a fortune as a salesman. Hey, I'm Tonya. I am just on the precipice of becoming a wealthy man once again.

And your luck is coming right back at you, my friend. I'm but a mirror reflecting all the goodness that you see in me is me just showing you what you're showing me, my friends. And I wish you luck on your quest, whatever it may be and hopefully what I've given you today gives you the tools you need to accomplish what you gotta do. My quest, whatever my quest to maybe. Yes, I have to get back to fighting evil.

The fight evil I have to be alive again. Arnie, I've decided that I'm going to use life stone. Not really because I don't, honey. I've decided that I'm going to use life stone. Not really, because I don't need things out there. Sure. And I'm going to come back to life and fight evil. Wala, did you hear that? On your travels, as you go throughout the land, Infoen selling your wares, tell everyone

that Yusur or the Ghost is back. He's now Yusur or the Blue, Corporeal, or how do we want to, how do we want to send people on that? Oh, I was thinking about a poster Yeah, that's a picture of me in a coffin. Okay, and it says you said or dead question mark Yeah, see this seems to be sort of continuing the idea that you're dead. No because there's a question mark What if it was you in a casket? No, sorry, it's you crawling out of a casket and it says,

dead is dead, baby. Oh, I like that. So, so dead is dead, meaning you're alive. It's like a reverse negative. Right, right. Yes, yes, yes. But I like that one too. Any?

Throw a figure something. What are you said? And in case there's any confusion, the cast of this podcast is available to brainstorm your next advertising campaign or corporate branding session. Our approaches have hazard and our rates are desperate. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the talking badger was played by Adolf Refire. Wally Lyman, the traveling salesman, was played by special guest Andy Junk.

If you want to see Andy perform, and you're in the Brooklyn area, and you're not busy buying a fedora or ruining things for everyone, check out the Brooklyn Comedy Collective, where he teaches classes and performs with the improv team O'Lestra. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production,

made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Amara, Alicia, Espinoza, Rana Ahmed Khan, Joey Hughesar, Ben Wurflyn, Taslin, Rob Shavalea, Sav Ayanami, Jeremy Maesluik, David Kielkis, and Ali Curls Gone Wild Isleon. That's Curls with a C, like see what I did, I changed a popular phrase because all of culture is mine for the editing. Patrons get ad free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all of the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Currently we're running Season 3 of Masters of Mayhem. Episode 2 with Special Guest Erica Elam. Oh, Erica's working again. How nice for her. Just dropped.

Here's a clip. Oh, God, I would look to be your mushroom. I know. I never really had what you might call, you know, friends. But yeah, sure. I mean, yeah, let's be mushrooms. You know, you'll be my mushroom. I'll be your mushroom.

I'd love that. Great. Great., you'll be my mushroom. I'll be your mushroom. I love that. Great, great. Everybody hears everybody else's mushroom. Yeah, just a couple of fun guy. Oh, yeah, never heard that one before. I'm guessing you did. I'm guessing you did. That's what you say when you've heard it a lot.

Yeah. I have heard it a bunch of times. Some might say that was in sport taste. Ooh. Oh, I like that one. Ah! Yeah! Ha-ha!

One nothing. I'm in the lead. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm not a comedian, I'm a... I'm a corrupt aristocrat. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekham, bat Young and Adel Rafaie, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland Huh, that transmission wasn't a congratulatory message at all. It was almost like nothing had changed. And what was with all the Tim's in there, they were throwing that word around like it wasn't a real name. Of course it's real Tim is a real name Not the result of brainstorms and focus groups and one expensive off-site Now Tim just grab your things next to that untested device that's beyond your understanding and off you go Right, you know looking at this portal inducer, it does seem strangely intuitive.

Curious. What an unexpected surprise. I suppose, as a fun experiment, you could try operating it, just for science and giggles. Well, it seems pretty straightforward. If you wanted to open a portal to another dimension, you'd start by aligning this array of dispersion funnels. It's working. And then you'd simply...

He's doing it. What's that? Who cares? Ignore it. There's a message coming through on your console. Don't worry about that. Open the portal. And then perhaps a nice...

LookRoy? I've had enough LaCroy. No one should have that much LaCroix Opening this message. If you're reading this stop what you're doing nothing is as it seems Don't you just hate spam emails? Delead it. Signed Trisha ご視聴ありがとうございました