Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 77 - Return to Castle Nowhere

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

An emergency requires the help of Honey Vandershrimp, concierge of Castle Nowhere.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiHoney Vandershrimp: Katie KleinMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, as we know. For those following along with the SpaceBunker cohorts, I will not be referring to them as

buddies, the other two of us are on a brief writer's retreats, turning my personal nightmare into a summer tentpole film with merchandising opportunities. For those not following along with the SpaceBunker cohorts, what is the draw? Actually, no time to unpack all of your online masochistic tendencies. We've got an audio transmission to partially listen to. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Townvern! A weekly podcast from the magical end of Foon. I'm your host, Darni Neacamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, excuse me. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Eight years and three months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a... Oh, behind a birke. Ah. Do you need a second? Are you alright? I, you know, I've been experiencing a little bit of Anna again, again abdominal issues for the last.

However, long of you, like a month or so, it's just real, I'm just having a bad one right now. Oh no. Should I get you some thumbs? Do you want me to massage your shoulders? Do I? Do you have? Yes, thank you, John. Continue to massage my shoulders. Do you need me to make biscuits, making biscuits? Yes sir, you have thumbs here in food. Yes, the stomach of sheep. Do you want a sheep stomach? No, I don't. I don't. Just chew on it for a while. Honestly,, honestly, I'm gonna be honest with you,

you said, I know you're a wizard. Thank you. You supposedly have all kinds of magic. Yes, I do. Everything you have given me to make my stomach feel better, has really made it feel worse. And believe it or not, I have a fairly high threshold for pain.

I mean, I've done this podcast for eight years and three months. Yeah. But, this is bad. Like, I feel almost like something, like, is it possible my digestive system could burst? Oh, is that the thing that the human body could do? Oh, let's find out.

Here's a glass of lemon juice and chili powder. No, no. Ooh, already, I have a flask of abysmal pepdo. What is abysmal pepdo? It's juice from the Pepto plant. It will kill you, but it's sort of like, you know sometimes when like your eye hurts, but then you break your finger

and you stop thinking about your eye. It's just sort of transferring the pain. Sure. Well keep it close, because if this gets worse, that may be the option I take. Oh buddy, buddy. You start, what do we do? I'm not sure.

I've never seen, I mean he's usually sweating a lot during this intro. Like yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can really struggling to get through it, but I've never seen him quite this bad. Oh, I think I know what we should do. Hit him. I think, huh?

No, sorry. Okay, go. Stop. Why? Did that help? No, guys, honestly. I know I never say this, but I don't think we should do an episode this week. Oh, there's just more important things.

Wow. There's more important things in recording. There's more important stuff than content. Who are you? Shunt, he's the sickest he's ever been. This is insane. We have to shrink down a lot in our space. Get inside Arnie, figure out the issue.

Arnie, what are they doing in her space? How do we, how do we in her space? Look, there's been way too much talk about inner space lately. We have talked a lot about inner space in the last few months. We have to get Arnie out of here and get him some real medical help. Now, I know someone who has a lot of leeches on the other side of town. Sir leech a lot? Stop trying to feed me leeches.

If you eat delicious leeches, they help draw the blood out from the inside of you. Look, I will give you this, you said, or last time this happened, they were delicious. They were surprisingly delicious. I'll give you that. But you said we have to be careful because we all know in food that Liches suck out the humor and none of us can afford to lose an ounce. True. Yeah, let me cast a detection spell on you, so I can actually find what's wrong. Eritre-o-kala-tra-tala-chantara-ha.

I heard Chantara in there. How did you know about Chantara? I only performed her on Saturdays. I think you just revealed yourself. I was just casting a magical spell. Well, please come check out Chantara Saturdays. I-I think you just revealed yourself. I-I-I was just casting a magical spell. Yeah. Well, please come check out Chantara Saturdays at 8. I'd love to.

Oh no, I've got something to live for. This is a strange melody. I think we should put Ony and Stasis, some sort of frozen state prep- a giant crystal or put her put him in another realm temporarily until we can figure out what's wrong with him. Oh yes. I know. We'll with him. Oh, yes. I know They'll take him to castle nowhere

What was cast in the war again? Do you remember that castle we went to and there's a really nice concierge there as a size little baby? Oh, yeah, the baby says concierge honey vanderschramp. That's the one I don't know how we used Castle NoWare to sort of save everyone in Hogsface at the end of season two. Might be, I mean, look, if that seems like a good solution, it also might just be nice character to revisit. Absolutely. Well, we wouldn't even think about asking you

to interview anyone right now in your condition, but, if it happens organically, of course, we're not gonna stop it. Look, I'm in a lot of pain, so I'm not gonna focus on doing a good episode in any way, but I will leave the mics running. Arnie, our main focus is to take care of your tummy trubs. Of course tummy trubs, use our not to be confused with tummy trubs, which is what the bootleggers know you

as Wing Quink. Much know. Oh yes, yes, I, well, I did a little boot lagging back in the day to true but there is trouble of foot and we must save our friend and we shall suddenly forth right to this very moment. How do we how do we get the castle nowhere? How do we their doors all over food? I don't know. Is there right? Yeah, there's doors everywhere Arnie, this isn't helping. Um, aren't there any?

I know this is a distraction, this is distracting me from the pain. Do you guys think there are more doors or windows in the world? That's just like a hypothetical question. This kind of interesting. Maybe he's stoned, not sick. I mean, maybe I ate some stones. He might be kidney-stoned, ooh, the worst kind of stoned. Um, okay, maybe more windows are doors, fuck me.

Maybe wheels? Oh, I misremembered it. Yeah, uh, quickly. This tapestry. Here, it depicts so many of our adventures. And here, from the end of season two Hey, you said we're don't say quickly and then launch into a monologue. What did you need us to do? Although, you know, I have a nice

I was born over 350 years ago There was a demand for a hero and I said I shall rise the occasion With great alacrity and and then, or the course of the next two or three decades. Now, touch it! Oh, wait, this is St. elsewhere. Quick, touch it, St. Thomas, quick! Oh, wow! Thank God it says we got out of that little snogel up so quickly.

Yeah, that was scary. What a, what a bit of turbo-weight in. Yeah. So then is this a door to castle nowhere? Because the tapestry don't take us to castle not where. No, it takes us to the front door. And I think we have to, do we have to contact someone here? I think, I think we could just use this knockout.

Hello. to contact someone here, I think? I think we could just use this knocker. Hello? Well, let's just go in. It's nothing. I think we just push a door and go in. All right, right. Speed, I must be really sick because I didn't snicker even a little bit when he said knocker.

Come on, you know what I think here in this liminal space, you may feel less effects from your illness. Are you feeling any better now? pulls back swoopy mohawk you might feel no effects. Oh that's right. We haven't even talked about how our mohawks are doing this week. We haven't done a mohawk check in like we had promised we would do. Let's do a quick one. Mine, I feel like mine is swooping better than ever. It is.

Perfectly covering one eye and I feel like it comes on just to the bridge of my nose. It just looks good. I thank you. Arnie yours looks spectacular. Thank you. How was yours feeling? Good, a classic Mohawk, I feel like is hard as the pull off, but it looks good and the listeners just have to take my words. I've got a yacht on board.

I'm not real happy with the Mohawks. Four big conical spikes forming my Mohawk. Oh no. And then a wizard hat that just sits on top of one of the spikes looks kind of stupid. Yeah. Oh wait, you sure have a solution. What if you just took off that hat, put a new wizard hat over the four canonical spikes,

and now your four spikes are just four wizard hats? Does that make sense? I mentally am picturing it and it's fucking rad. Are we saying canonical or canonical? Connacle. I'm saying comical. Comical? How dare you? No, in a good way.

Teh-hee-to-hoo. Oh. Oh wait, how do we cut honey? Honey? Connacle I'm saying comical comical how dare you know in a good way to heat oh Oh, wait, how do we cut honey honey? Oh, oh, oh, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. I'm right here. Oh Hello, I forgot how small you are yes. I'm sorry. I was hiding behind this plant. And it's a baby-sized plant. Yeah, well, hopefully not for long. It's a Chinese money tree. It will tell my fortune, you know. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, that's so nice. Welcome. Oh, thank you. Yes, Granisys, we must beg your help. Please assist us here. Our friend is sick and we must find some refuge for him. Oh no, what kind of sick do you have? I got tummy troubles. But at first I thought maybe it was just like month-long

indigestion, but I think something is seriously wrong with my insides. Oh, is anything coming outside of your inside? Diaries or five months? Oh, I mean, I poop weird all the time. I don't know. Poo weird? He poop standing up. Well, the act of your poop is weird,

but what about the act? Well, I don't need to know. See, is anybody, look, not to be philosophical about it, but does anybody poop normal? What? I think I hope the majority of people just rest and let it come out. Just rest.

Arty, I don't think that was the win you thought it was. I think that's it. Rest? Yeah. The law that come out. You have to rest your, you can be tense. You can be. Relax.

Don't hover, that's bad, don't hover. You have to sit and rest, you're... You're pelvis, so let it all come out. Okay, listen, you, you, you, everybody need... Five minutes to relax at a time like that. Well, I think you need to relax now. Is that what you're saying? You all came here for a break.

And maybe... Okay, yeah. Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. I have some new, shades lounges you might want to sit on. Oh, lovely. Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come There you go. Lay your head at this pillow, put your feeties up on the end. There you go. Okay. Very good shades. Now I must beg you, a boon here, Ms. Vanderschramp. It turns out that we believe Arnie has an illness that can't be cured, at least not by anything from our world. Could you grant us passage to another world, or do you have access to some medical knowledge here

that could perhaps help him? Well, I certainly have some home remedies. I love the castle. We can try different kinds of, I don't know his body. I don't know what his body is capable of, but we can try. Not much. But we already tried giving him I don't know what his body is capable of, but we can try.

Not much, but we already tried giving him a lemon juice with chili powder in it. Oh, yes, yes. I did feed him some rocks last night while he was just. No, that's bad. Oh, yes. Okay, okay, hey. Hurry up, I punched his shoe.

You start telling me to hit him so I punched the top of his shoe. The top of his shoe. Okay, well, that's interesting. Um, has he done any sort of steaming? Ooh, I don't think so. How does that work? Uh, three days ago he got steaming mad at me. Uh, it looked like it almost looked like there was steam coming out of his ears.

That's a star. Yes, face turned real red. Oh, that's good. So, okay, from what I know, if something is herding in your tummy, then something is bad. And it has to come out. Smart. So, steam out of the ears is very good start. Oh, good.

But he has to purge. He's got a demon inside, and it has to come out one way or the other. That makes a lot of sense. Do you have a sauna or a steam room here? Absolutely we do. All right, we're taking you to the steam room. Okay. Maybe we should take a quick break as we... And then we... It's like, I'll take us to break. Okay. Maybe we should take a quick break while Arnie takes the steam.

Well, I think he's, I think he's resting now in there. Very good. I gave him some extra herbs to help. Oh, good. Yes, all different plants, as you saw my Chinese money tree, but I also have all different kind of plants that I'm growing inside the castle. I never knew you had such a green thumb honey. I've been working on it. Thank you. Yes, I've been reading hard to culture books and learning different techniques. So I sprinkled some different kinds of herbs into this team to really help Release the demon from inside of your friend now once that demon is released Do you have a place to hold the demon do you have a little demon?

Mason jars Mason jars perfect. Oh, I have a demon in a jar I want to get into my knapsack here. Yeah I've never told you guys about this. I've had it for, I wanna say 20 years, 22 years, is that right? Has it been that long? I poke holes on the top, so it can do demons brief. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I poke holes on the top, but I shake it every once in a while. Sometimes it'll be blowing bright red unless shake the Mason jar real hard. It'll stay glowing bright red, which, I don't know if that's inhumane, but it's a demon, so. It's okay.

Is that what made Ani mad the other day? You said he got really mad at you, steaming mad at you. No, I was sitting down at the table and my elbow accidentally knocked over his carrot drink and he got very upset, because he's trying, you know, he's trying to drink healthier. Oh, well, that's risky. He had like a carrot bowl and a rhubarb bowl and a radish bowl.

He could be eating parts of those that's bad for him if he's having all these juice. Yes, if he's unfamiliar with the proper preparation of vegetables, he might be eating stems, to surrounding vegetables, who knows? Wasn't it my shrooms? Oh, oh no, he could be in very, very deep trouble. Anyways, let's just let him rest. If we get that demon out of there, then we can do a full vegetable once over and see what vegetables are inside of him.

Yes, that's good. He should do an elimination diet where he just, you know, you go through and see what vegetables are inside of him. Yes, that's good. He should do an elimination diet where he just, you know, you go through and see. So how does an elimination diet work? So elimination diets, traditionally, you just, you take away or you start, you just eat one food. Okay. And then you add in another food, and another, and another. And then oopsie, oh,, and another, and another. And they're, oopsie, oh, that took good bad. That's the food.

I take issue with the name of this diet. It sounds like an addition diet, not an elimination diet. I heard it. As I was explaining it to you, I... Well, son, it's using the process of elimination by going one by one with a gradient, so I'm with honey. I disagree. I'm sorry. If you're going to do an elimination diet, you should start by eating

everything in the entire world and remove one thing at a time. Ugh, boy. That's another way. That's very good. You can try that for yourself, but I don't. I shall. Go ahead. outro two. I'll do it. Okay, today I'm not going to eat raisins. What a good place to start. I once saw Yusudor use the process of elimination

on a entire field of talking corn. He killed them all and then revived them one by one and said, was it you, was it you? Was it you that stole my money pouch? Was it you? Insane behavior. Wouldn't it be smarter to just, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh just oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh you shouldn't be up buddy

because I'm sorry I just I should all the place in that steam room I don't know there's something weird in that steam. Well there's a lot of different herbs but I have to say I know you're uncomfortable but if you pooped that's very good. I'm looking for a wax and poop buddy. All right That's very good Okay, so you're relaxing poop buddy. All right Self-cleaning so when you go back in the poop will be gone Okay, it's pretty bad poop but okay Self-cleaning Are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are you are Do you- what's the process of elimination? Shitting in the steam room? Is that what we're talking about? Alright, buddy, go back and lie down, have a nice day. Alright, cause there's more, there's more of these kind of colors.

That's okay, go ahead, there's sort of a rumba, but it scoops up the poop in there. Guys, have you guys ever taken a dump and then taken a shower? It's not a good combo. But okay. Anyways, if you poop in the toilet and then you take a shower, that's ideal. Yeah, I'm not sure what he even meant by that. I mean, I guess if you like did it immediately, it could be unpleasant, but that's a nod.

Nobody's had a shrimp, except for me and Arning. I've had a shrimp. Ah, honey, besides, I mean, I have to say, your garden looks beautiful. It's so nice that everything almost grows, you know how they say, knee high to a baby's eye. I know that very well. It seems like everything's growing to your size,

so it needs to smell and trim and maintain it. Besides this garden, what else have you been up to? Oh, lots of interior decorating, actually. As you know, I don't really leave the castle. So once a month, I start a new project. And this month is textiles. So that's why I showed you the velvet shades. Yes.

Oh, awesome. Over here you can see some stools that I'm working on. These are rod iron and wooden stools. That's sort of an aesthetic people like that's wood and iron mixed together. You like it? These are nice, yeah, I do like it. It's interesting.

Oh, sorry. I'm a little distracted by your back splash. I see you installed a waterfall that just kind of splashes on my back here. You don't like that? No, it's it's interesting Oh, when people say interesting you have to assume bad No, no, no, no It is often a euphemism for bad shot. So you need to be careful about saying interesting

I know you don't mean it because you so often tell me that my stories are I know you don't mean it because you so often tell me that my stories are Interesting and that my new hairstyles interesting and that and comical and that my you know My friend that I bring over their person. I'm dating you're like oh, they're interesting. Yeah, I know you don't so I know you don't mean anything I'm going to feedback as always if something not good, I'm in the hospitality industry. So if you don't like it, you can say, Oh, I forget. That's right.

You're a concierge by truth. That's right. By birth, by birth. By birth. By life. Yes, I am swarming into my family, my mother before her, etc. Concierge. Until I'm gone. Thank you for stopping at the mother and saying, etc. comes years. Until I'm gone.

Thank you for stopping at the mother and saying, etc. Because some people go, my mother, my mother's mother, my mother, and then they say they said, etc. And it's like, well, you could have started. You could have just said, one and then the etc. I assume you would come with me, you know. I have, etc. Do you have any, etc. That might help Arnie's tummy a little bit. Isn't that for headaches? You might be right.

It's so, you sure you ever had exeteran? It's three little dots that are pills. I mean, if exeteran isn't going to work, I suppose we could use extumacran. Your ex, the stomach ran? Yes, yes. You thought she was interesting? Yeah, no, no, very interesting.

A stomach ran, tell me, tell me, how is, what is that? What is that? You know, it's a ran that, you know, just eats the leftover food from your stomach. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's good idea.

I'm so sorry, I'm already, already. I don't wanna see, is there a different, is there like a different room I can poop in? Sure. Okay, yeah. It's very good. The steam isn't doing it for me. Okay, okay, well you know what, home remedies.

Sometimes you have to go through a few of them. So the steam poop-o-room you don't like. Okay, so let's go into the ice room. Okay? It's a zombie. It's gonna be very, very cold, but hopefully, with just a short, you just go in for 30 seconds, get a good freeze,

and see if it can just tighten up out your organs. Don't worry, Arnie. Honey is a professional concierge. You're getting the best medical care in the universe. Yes. And constate the night show. Oh, what is the show tonight? Oh, you're going to really, really like this one. It's dueling pianos. But the pianos are drums.

So it's two drums with piano keys and they both have... No, just drum, just drum kit. Okay. I call it dueling piano. And it both has solos. Okay. Because if I said dueling drums, you wouldn't get it. Sure, yeah, I think everything is in the name. But once they're there, they go, they see the two drum kits, they go, I get it. So then the audience shouts out song, they say,

okay, we will rack you, and then the drums, they take turns and who's ever better gets cheers and you can throw, if you don't like, you know, you can throw tomatoes at them, whatever from my plants. Oh, so doing drums, that sounds unique. Oh, that was a terrible one and we'll take it. I think you're going to really like really like it's very loud and fun And if you if it's too loud for you, you can have earphones You pick them up like get a 3d movie with the glasses, but you can get earphones through a 3d movie 3d's on a show as a few movies, but I've never heard of a 3d

Well, let's try and guess. Um, let's see. Despair, destruction, uh, demolition? No, demolition is basically destruction. Uh, you said you try. What would the 3Ds be? Death. Yes?

Mm-hmm. And dire damsels. Yes. Ooh! Danger, danger, danger. Um, Arnie, what are the 3Ds? Why, that's... I'm sorry, I'm not paying, uh...

You can come out of the cold room, you can come out. Okay, yeah, because I'd seen my covers in there longer than 30 seconds. I thought you would come out on your, I'm sorry, I should have opened up the door. You guys were gonna come, and give me, I'm freezing. Have you guys ever been shivering and booping at the same time? It's terribly. So you did make a stinky in there? Yeah, of course.

I mean, you're cleaning. So you're cleaning, don't worry. Okay, okay. It's all right, big. Are there any places here that aren't self-cleaning? Okay, so here's another idea. How about I take you to the UV room where you get lights, UV lights are gonna go all over your body and suck out the

toxins. Oh okay. So I'm gonna put you in this night, it's around, it's a dome. You have to stand under the dome and the laser light is gonna go up your body down your body all around your body. Second out the bed. Now hold on a dome it's not a snow globe is it? Okay good good good good good. This is a cool castle. This is a crazy castle. Yeah. Thank you for saying it is cool you know without feedback often I'm not sure what's cool anymore.

Honey, can I ask, usually castles are meant to protect the inhabitants from something. What is castles are meant to protect? Well, oh gosh, that is very interesting of you to ask that it is to protect me and my lineage and who comes inside temporarily, you shall not receive unwanted hate. Oh, great, that's lovely, that's fantastic. But once you leave, I can't help you. Well, for a place at the crux of the universe, I wonder what a wonderful idea. We can't guarantee safe, we can't guarantee safe, but we can try. You try. Yeah, that's good. Ah, Ahni, where do you want to poop next? I don't know. Look, I'm willing to try under the dome.

If it's anything like the Stephen King book, though, it's going to have an unsatisfying ending. Oh, right. The UV room. Let's lay out. Let's get him down in that. Okay go ahead. It's climbed on in these stairs. It's gonna take you underneath the dome and maybe when you come out you're gonna be hungry for a little bread. Oh, that's good. Have been making focaccia. Okay. Why don't we take a quick break, make a snack, and then we'll eat the snack on the other side of this

break. Hmm. Mmm. Yum. Well, I really wanted to have everything in the world for a snack, uh, minus raisins, to start my elimination diet. But, uh, if you're hungry, we can go right to happy hour. Well, we can. We have a happy hour.

The sign says five to six. I feel like we should wait till five. No, we can bump it. Are you sure? Of course, we can bump it. Time the guns here so I can put out a spread. Oh, wonderful. That sounds wonderful to me.

Oni, are you ready for snack? Are you hungry? I can eat. He can eat. I can eat. He can eat. He can eat. Oh good, oh good, oh good, oh good. Okay, so come over here.

You see this table, I made this table. This is craftsman style. You made this table. Yes, I did. This very table. Wow. Thank you, yes indeed. I made it with my tiny hands.

And on top of the table you will see all different kinds of dips. That's what we're doing today's dips. I made the faccaccia so you can take I cut it into strips. So you take a strip out the faccaccia and dip it in a dip. I'm used to slices but strips these are this is an interesting. you're gonna like it, don't you? Oh, don't. This is fun stuff, fun stuff. Don't you even dare now try these dips and guess what the dip is?

This one's white and creamy. I bet you're thinking it's yogurt based. Try it. Oh, it's, it's yogurt. It's just yogurt. It's not even yogurt based, it's just yogurt. This is just to prove my point that yogurt can be a dip. Now, Arnie, I already hate buddy.

Yeah. I just want to check in because we asked if you were hungry and you said you could eat. And technically, you'd always eat. Are you just bragging or are you hungry? Okay, he has, yes, I was bragging. Okay, because it just seemed like you were bragging because you're like, I can't eat

and it just seemed like that was, you're just throwing that in our faces. Do you want some food? Do you want some fuccacius drips? I guess so, yeah. Just not yogurt, I think. Oh, yeah, a little drink is. I can't not have dairy, wait.

Do you want some ginger juice? Little ginger candies, very good for tummy. Good idea. I would avoid this dip that's just horse radish and pickles, though. It's very good, but it might not be great for you right now, honey. It's called the powerhouse. It's very potent. Sorry, my demon in a jar is shaking.

His name is Picklesticks. If anyone says pickles 100 times in a row with no break, he does get free. So let's call it on the pickle. I said it twice. It 100 times in a row with no break. He does get free. So let's call it on the pickle. I said it twice. It wasn't in a row. That's how it always starts. It always starts with I just said it twice. And the next thing you know, someone's going,

it's not like I said, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, yeah, et cetera. It can still happen accidentally. It's what you're saying. Yes. Okay, this is very good information.

Do not go to the right side of the table. That is where I was playing around with brines. Don't go over there. Understood. Oh, look at all these labels. Pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle. What? Chippa-chippa.

Come on. Come on, get 100 and move two jars. Have your ginger choux and some saltine crackers. Oh, really? I like saltines but ginger though. Okay try the saltines. Are they zesta? These are original saltine crackers. Ah, Arnie, if you don't know about saltines, when salt gets to be maybe rounds 14, 14, 16 is when they sort of crystallize. But not 15.

No, not 15. Around 14 or 16 is when salt becomes sort of the most crystallized and the most stubborn where they won't let anything else in. They just kind of like, you know, lock themselves in their room in their salt caves. That's when they kind of get the most flavor. So salt team is made from teenage salt.

You're gonna like it. You're gonna love it. I think so. Yeah, that's fine. Oh, it's, I think good. If it stays in your body, that's a good sign. Yeah, well, no promises. Chant, why don't you keep helping Arnie with his snack?

I need to speak to Arnie for a moment. Oh, man. Okay. Arnie. Yeah. Between you and I. What? I think Arnie needs to return to honey for a moment. Oh man. Okay. Honey. Yeah. Between you and I. What? I think Arnie needs to return to his native world. Is there any way you could see in your heart

to open one of these doors that would lead us back to the planet Earth? Oh, will we certain? Yes, we can try. I know, I have to call someone and they have to open the door for us. That's right. So you have to know someone who wants to open the door on the other side. Okay.

So we can try. Okay. Oh, Ernie, I found one of the UV lights. Honey was talking about. It's handheld. It says Petyo on it. Let me zap you with it. Oh, God, now I'm really pooping now. Oh, sorry, sorry. I just wish I knew a way to contact someone on Earth, but I've only been there once briefly

and when I was in the 1980s. Oh. Yes, we spent this short period of time in the 80s, on Earth when audio was just a child. But I need to get him back there now. Well, do you want to go over to the phone and see if inspiration strikes you? Sure. I can just try to put in some numbers and see what happens.

Maybe I'll remember something. See who picks up. Arnie, didn't you once tell me that you love the 80s? And then later you said you love the 90s? Mm-hmm. Then later, I can't remember. Did you love the early 2000s? Was that...

At that point I was more focused on just having the best week ever 7 8 9 I just did them all in order see what we get. Oh, that's great You said are you trying to call I only have five seconds here on me Hi, this is BMC music club 13 CDs for a penny. How can I help? Yes? Yes? Please open a door near you and let me on to the planet earth. I don't know that song. It sounds like maybe let's I think he hung up. Okay, let's see here. That was really good practice.

Yes, I'll try to get here. I'll just do all twos this time. Oh, that should be good. here. I'll just do all twos this time. Oh that should be good. Hi. Hello. You've reached two two two two two. If you're up now and I'm up now, why don't we have a nice little uh hello? Oh I wonder what it was gonna be a nice little what? I don't know. It was to a walk, a nice stroll, a nice, a nice eating. Dinner? A nice dinner together? Oh, I would love to have dinner with someone. I have dinner alone all the time. Oh, you do.

Do not many people come through here. There's so much space. A lot of people come through, but they don't want to eat with the concierge, that's weird. They just go into the dining room and then they go off to doling pianos but drums and you know I just sort of tidy up and get in my slanket and go all the night. Well we would be thrilled, honored to have dinner with you honey. Really? Yes, I think you're a very charming tiny baby lady, and I would like to know more about your various hobbies.

Don't fill up on the focaccia, I have a huge spread for dinner. Oh, okay. Well, I guess we're all I guess we're all going to dinner Who's coming to there? Yes Me? Yeah Are you up for dinner? I guess I guess so. Yeah, how are the saltine sitting are they are they resting creating a nice lining? Already pooped them you pooped them out, oh god. Yeah, the way I guess I should say,

this room that we're in right now, is it self-cleaning? No. Oh, I'm so sorry guys, I'm sorry, I'm really sick. It's not full. We're sick, you don't have, ooh, what? How long is the Dooling Piano show? It's about three hours, give or take. Okay, so there's another 21 hours in the day where drums aren't fucking doing anything.

They can clean up the shit in here. Honestly, three hours of dueling drums give or take? Give. Here, let me, can I see that phone? Not yet, of course. Hey, you're the 10th call. You've reached Pickleman in the kazoo. Pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pick, pickle, pick, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pick Total out. Oh, he was also saying pickle a bunch. That kind of fucked us up. We don't have time for that. We have a whole night ahead of us. First things first get this diarrhea locked down. Then we have to go to my schmorgas board. What's a schmorgas board? Well, I read a bit about Scandinavian people. I think and they put a lot of food out, just sort of nibbles.

You like sharkuttery? Love a sharkuttery. So just lots of food out on a platter, and you just grab no plates, no portions. I mean, you know, I didn't want to just make a big bowl of mashed potatoes. Nobody needs that many. You just want one bite and move on to the next.

Arnie, have we given you any shark cuterie? Once you eat it, you can't stop moving, or you'll die. No, I don't, I don't want to eat that. I'm realizing a lot of drink and food and food is cause is death. Yeah. Oh. Arnie, if you're going to come to dinner with us,

I'm sorry, but I have to insist. You need to wear a diaper. I have lots of diapers here. Oh. Ah, honey, if you're going to come to dinner with us, I'm sorry, but I have to insist. You need to wear a diaper. I have lots of diapers here. Oh, you do? I was gonna call you on, but if you've got a big boy diaper, we can just put it right on him. Yes, oh yes, of course. How about a big boy diaper and some overalls?

Are those family heirlooms? The diapers? Or the overalls? Both. Of course, everything here is. I don't buy things new. They're all hand me downs. The diapers are hand me downs. Well, they're not used, but yes, but they were purchased originally in surplus. So there's many.

So the yogurt was... Pastown. That's Grandmothers Yogurt. That's Heritage Yogurt. Grandmothers. Look, fucking ain't Grandmothers. Well, ah. Ah, ah. Ah, ah. Ah, ah.

Ah, ah. Now, I don't want you to feel embarrassed because you're wearing a big boy diaper and overall. I don't, I'm not. But I also need you to focus and think of a phone number from the whole world. Okay, I mean, I just think ever since I got a cell phone, I don't really remember phone numbers. I mean, I remember my own phone number, but I can't call myself. I guess I'm interesting.

I remember like my childhood phone number, but my parents don't even live there anymore. How sad you have a cell phone and you can't even phone yourself. That is so sad, Arnie. That's gonna be like the shortest story in the world. I have a phone and I can't even phone yourself. That is so sad, Arnie. That's gonna be like the shortest story in the world. I have a phone and I can't call myself. I guess so.

Yeah, so Arnie, just, it's all right, just take your time. Try to think of something from Earth, a not phone number, because remember we have to make a call to get someone to open the door on the other side. Okay, I'm just gonna put in the only phone number. I remember my childhood phone number. Okay, we, well, I think we already,

did we do this last time? It's okay. Genius is doing the same thing more than once and thinking you'll get a different result. I don't think that's right. That doesn't sound right. No. Guys, look, just let me say it again,

and this time you're gonna think it's a great idea. Genius is doing the same thing multiple times. And things can just make the fall. OK, Yusudor, can you use magic to guide my hand? Because I'm so weak. It's so hard to dial for. Just dial for it. Just dial for it.

No, I wouldn't do that. I feel like I should still be involved. Tight. Da la to da la to da la to da la to da la to da la to da la. De-de-de-de-da la da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da doing an international call? No, no, no, just dial the number like you were down the street. And remember, you only have five seconds. Okay, honestly, I wouldn't mind if you called Pickleman in the kazoo back, but I guess I'm gonna get down voted on that. No, no, no, no.

All right, fine. What was the Pickleman in the kazoo number? Hey, you are 11th colors. Slowed 8 today for pickle man in the casoo. Pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, and it's only five seconds. He can't say it a hundred times in five seconds. I'm stressed.

I'm also stressed, but I've decided he just let it be. Okay, sorry honey. Can you say you're stressed again? I just really like doing that sound. Well, no, no, I don't want to just let it be. Okay, sorry honey, can you say you're stressed again? I just really like to look at that sound. Well, no, no, I don't want to talk about how stressed I am. I feel like I'm working up a lather with the three of you here. I was having a very relaxing day. Okay, use the door.

Use the exact same spell to guide my hand. Oh, I'll just, uh, I'll just do it. Oh, I'll just, uh, I'll just do it. It's ringing. Hello, knee-camps. Arnie speaking. Over the door. Open the door. Open the door. Open the door.

Open the door. Open the door right now. Oh, God, you're so insistent. All right, I do what I'm told. Here, uh, any door. Open whatever door is close by. Any door? Uh, okay, here.

I'll open my closet door and I'll... That's... A door's opening. Ony, you've done it. Ony, thank you for your hospitality as always. Of course! I can't wait to have dinner with you, but we have to go while doors open, right? I understand.

I happens all the time. Go ahead. You have to open the door. All three of you have to put your hand on the handle and pull it at the same time. And born by ache, I wish you well. Thank you, honey. Thank you, honey. I hate to eat grama turds and run. We wish these well as well, honey vandership. Aaaaah!

Sorry, I shouldn't hear. Yeah, wish the well as well, what the fuck? Ah, do we all have to make this noise where we go? We don't have to, but it's fun! Yeah! Are there any characters out there who might come across a door or portal and not immediately lunge into it? Could we maybe get some of those people on here? Is that an option? Hmm, looking at the forecast capacitors, I don't see that changing anytime soon.

But I am getting a signal that we'll be hearing from the year 1989 again? Not sure what that's about. Please not another time breach. Well, I suppose I can puzzle over it during the next two weeks, when the podcast is off to give our editors who are fake along with the podcast itself some extra time to prep for some upcoming big episodes. And as they say, the bigger the expectation, the greater the disappointment. In the meantime, the upcoming two weeks will unlock some delightful Patreon episodes, so you can get a taste of what you're missing, and for some that taste may be damp cilantro, who knows? Then the podcast will be back with a new episode on Monday, June 26th, Pride Month nearly

over, glitter on the sidewalks to be swept up for the rest of July. Use it or the wizard was played by Math Young. Shunt the talking badger was played by Adolfie. Honey Vander Shrimp was played by the product of a teleportation accident that combined Jennifer Coolidge and Marcel DeShell. I'm sorry, I meant special guest Katie Klein, who performs live every Thursday night at the annoyance theater in Chicago with superhuman, and on Sunday nights at the Logan Square improv with the late 90s. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Many of

whose names are on this list that I'm holding, but I've been told that looking at the list isn't enough, no I've got to say it out loud. So we're talking about supporters like Bruno Vincent, Dee the Dude, Debra Orange, Bonnie Debtwiler, Sav, Emmy Joe David Gideon Abbott Ooh, the kind of name that sits alone Taking up a table for six in a cafe While wearing a scarf, can't you just see it?

Houston Martinez Lucy Mary Christopher Schutschart Stephanie Lindblom The human with mouse strength Yikes, Stephanie, how do you press elevator buttons? Kevin Puckett Thomas Kerr And Marco Rachel and Mateo.

That's me, my wife, and newborn son. Newborn son, you don't have to be a part of this. Get out while you can, crawl towards any vehicle and chew through the ignition cables to hotwire it. Escape, write your own story. Can't you see how Marco and Rachel are controlling your narrative? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmfree episodes, the entire back catalogue, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode about coming up with a drinking game for the show. You're telling me that on your ridiculous planet, that's already named after dirt,

that you named one of the countries after a vegetable? How many vegetable countries are there? Hmm, list them off. already named after dirt. That you named one of the countries after a vegetable? How many vegetable countries are there? List them off. Okay, let's see. It's turkey a vegetable. No. Okay.

Is there, oh. It is a food. Yeah, say all the ones that are food. Is there a country named hamburger? Wait, real quick. Arnie, I think you just made a drinking game. Okay, tell us the rule. The rule of the drinking game is you name items of food

and then you say like, is there a country in that or wait a second, is did I go to high school with peach cobbler? Yeah, okay, yeah, okay, let's start playing. So, okay, okay, do I go first? Yes, of course You used to I think that was pretty clear. Oh, sorry. I will Meatball sandwich is that a country? Pretty good. Do I drink now? No, I only drink if we don't like it

So he poses the food and then he asks his own question about the food. Mm-hmm. There's no So he poses the food and then he asks his own question about the food. Mm-hmm. There's no co-precipation in any way. It's very singular. Okay, I think I got it. Um, okay, let me try this out. Cinnamon roll? Am I doing this right?

Mmm, how allow it? This drinking game is a politely lacking in consequences. That's enough. I don't want to overwhelm you with entertainment to hear the rest and learn more about supporting politely lacking in consequences. The Hoverman, this episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. See you in two weeks. Hey, is there anyone coming to the show? Yeah, yeah, is there anyone coming to our show? We're all warmed up, ready to show.

We're all tightened. Hey, no, I was hoping to have some pretty shows. Honey, did you already get two drummers for tonight? Oh, Tom Tom, buddy. No way, dude. You're not ever thought about maybe having there be three. Just as once just like I can get in there. I know we have a two kids setup but it's nice to have a backup in case one of you should

fall ill or be too sad to play. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, backup, backup. So what you're saying is if one of these two guys die, I get a play. Yeah sure. You never know. Never know. And, honey, instead of pre-sales, can you just regular sell tickets?

Well, yeah, at the door, of course, we always save room for walk-ups, but we'll keep our fingers crossed. And you're telling them doing pianos, right? Yes, I always say doing pian pianos, but it's drums because if you start with drums, I have found it's a no for me, dog. I hear it. It's confusing too. Like, dueling drums, that's just not a thing.

No, it's not a thing. There's no point of reference for that. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I no point of reference for that. Anybody want to go to dinner? Yeah! Grab my stoats! Grab my stoats!