Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 78 - 1989: Emergency

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

Returning to 1989 Ohio, Usidore and Chunt get 13-year old Arnie's help to save adult Arnie.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth. Well, it's two weeks later and here you are, having crawled back to us like Belle after she saw the forbidden West Wing and tried to flee into that snowstorm, and look how that turned out. Well, I guess she and the Beast did get married. But, then she was portrayed in live action by Emma Watson's eyebrows. Let's call it a draw. What happened the last time we spoke?

Oh yes, use it or chant and a very sick Arnie hopped dimensions, not a fan, and traveled through time, also not thrilled, back to 1989 Ohio. Luckily, I'm just enough of a hoarder that I still have some of those cassette tapes 13-year-old Arnie made in his bedroom in Ohio. So, rather than getting to know each other further, let's listen to that. Enjoy! It's the Arnie Meekam Show! Crowd applause, crowd applause!

Recorded here live from my own bedroom! On tonight's show, um, uh, from Dear John, it's Jud Hersh! From Head of the Class, Howard Hessman, and and from night court, Markey Post. And as always, on music, my tape recorder. Let's see, I'll just play a couple. Okay, anyway, alright, before we get started, is that my phone? Who could be calling? Alright, hop over the bed. Hello, knee camps, Arnie speaking.

Open the door. Open the door. Open the door. Open the door right now. What? Oh god, you're so insistent. Alright, I do what I'm told. Here, any door.

Open whatever door. It's cross-by. Any door? Okay, here. I'll open my closet door and all of that's. Oh. Oh. Oh. What's that? Okay, here. I'll open my closet door and all of that's... Oh, oh.

Ooh. What the fuck? Chant, it's look, it's a little ony. Ony! Do you remember us? Ooh! Oh my god, what is it? What is a skunk and two old guys doing in my closet? Tell me. Tell me, tell me, tell me, has the fabulous Baker boys opened yet? What?

Hurry up, what year is it boy? What? It's 1989! What the fuck? A clear phone? Oh, so you can make sure it's your hand on the other end? Use it, or... I think I'm gonna...

I'm in a lot of pain, I think I'm gonna pass it out. Little Lonnie, don't freak out, this is big, Lonnie. He's very sick and we need to get him medical help from here from the planet Earth. Now I didn't realize we'd also be traveling in time. Uh, you don't remember us at all, do you? You're throwing a lot of information here right now. Here, allow me to put my hand on your forehead.

Don't let any other men do this. This is weird. Ooh, I went in and I'm gonna also put my hand on your forehead. Don't let any other men do this. This is weird. This is weird. Ooh, I want in, and I'm gonna also put my hand on the side of your head. This is so... This is so... Real feels comfortable and familiar. Remember.

Remember. Is this a religious thing? No, no, no, no. I'm using magic. I'm a powerful wizard. I just made you remember us. Try it again. Try it again.

Okay. Remember us. All right try it again try it again. Okay. Remember us. Remember. I don't know if you. I'll see you later. Oh. Huh? What?

Use it or chunk the cool skunk. I'm remembering it all now. Close enough. You came back in time from your weird past future time. That's right, Acamp. We were here with Future You, take a good look. We need your help. Oh my God, I lived to be a hundred years old.

Not quite, but we have to get to this older version of you to the hospital. Where's your car? You have to drive us to the hospital. Yeah, drive us to the, just like a general hospital. I, I don't know how to drive in my parents' home. Everyone's at a sporting event. You're different ones though.

No, no, no. How to drive. Why don't you know how to drive? I don't know how to drive. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Everyone's at a different sporting event. Name the events. I think there's motherfuckers in an imposter.

Basketball? Okay. Sounds like a headache. I have to take your word for it. And two different volleyball games. All right. And then my mom is scouting a sport that she thinks I your word for it. And two different volleyball games. Alright. And then my mom is scouting a sport that she thinks I'm gonna play, but I'm not going to.

Okay, hold on, basketball, two volleyball events, and then your mom and a fourth one, how many events is that? Zuh, I don't know. It's Arnie. It's Arnie. Yeah. Well, if you get us to a car, I'm sure I can teach you in time. Okay, well, I think my mom left her mom's a hatchback here, we could try to drive that.

Big Ony, are you in any shape to drive? Oh, you're still going up on my shed carpet. Put them on his back. No, no, no, no, just put them on his side. We don't want him to choke on his own vomit. Ony, little Ony, do you know how to make sure that people don't choke on their own vomit? Yeah, no. Remember little AKM?

This will be very helpful in college. Okay, show me. Just hit him up on his side. He's been as well, so it flows right out. Hasn't that actually been working really hard not to have a lot of stains in this bedroom? What? I heard that. Oh, fuck.

What is this? I just found something in this closet. It's called Rockam Suckam Robots. That's not mine. I gotta play this. I gotta know what this is. Anything you find in my closet, it's not mine. Oh, this does look interesting.

What is this magazine? Pont House. It seems like there's some letters to Pont House. Let's see here. It's a sexy Pope magazine. Trunt, don't worry about that. These books here are terrible. Look, he's got like four volumes of Garfield. Yeah, Garfield. He's great. I feel like Garfield ever do to you. Listen to the Patreon.

Yeah, someday Little Ani, you'll enjoying our patreon and then you'll be sorry What's a patreon and I'll be sorry Fucking bought a Garfield book to orange Monday ass bitch speaking of orange I'm gonna go find the keys to my mom's orange Mazda hatchback. I'll be right back. Okay. Okay You sir we gotta get who are we on the second floor here? Let me yes, it looks like let's put this Arnie in this hamper and then we'll push him down the stairs. Good idea. Okay, I'm gonna have the hamper. Okay, did the close smell terrible. Oh, yeah, all these socks are wet. Let me all sit in the front of the hamper You sit in the back. We'll put Arnie in the middle here? Okay, wait, do we need to be in it?

I'd like to be okay. It looks like it would be fun. Yeah, all right, sure guys guys guys. What do you do with my hamper? Hey little Arnie, we're gonna push big Arnie down the stairs in the hampers. That all right. Well now that me or not It's good over dudes. Oh get out. I think it's a little crud. No, you said or come on. Oh, be alright. Before we go down, I got the Keystone Monk car. And also, just because everyone seemed to be freaking out and started to need something to relax, I poured everyone a fresh glass of crystal light.

Whoa, you store crystal light that sounds like a magic drink. Crystal light. Whoa. It's magical concoction. I know, it's like lemonade, but they advertise it on lifetime. Lemonade, it's some sort of drink to assist women's? I, as the Wizard of Light and Darkness shall now drink of this Earth magic.

Oh. How was it? Not very good. Not very good. It's like if you had a good drink and then you immediately forgot how it tasted like and then a bad drink took its place. Oh, there's like a second way of drinking. You're like, oh, this is good. Oh, wait. Yeah.

Sometimes I don't stir it enough. Sometimes it's possible that there's just clumps of crystal light powder in there. Oh, I was I was going to ask because I was like, can liquid be grainy? Because I think this liquid is grainy. It's viscous. It looks viscous Oh, it's terrible. It's terrible. Why did you give me this? Just trying to be a good host What's this you're giving me? Sunny D Oh, the D's oh, oh, yes, of course the D's for delight. That's what I was thinking. Of course, it was also thinking D's for delight.

Ha ha. Huh. This fucking rules. Right? It's so much better than orange juice. Yes. This is amazing. You sure you want to try some?

Sure. Hmm. It's like orange juice, but not. Yeah, it's like what if orange juice was a little too smooth. Yeah. Oh, and what's this third bottle of? Al sauce. Al steak sauce? Ask you this a little bit. Are you saying OWL? No, it's A and then a weird L. It's an L with a like a mullet.

Sean, come so sorry, you're not supposed to drink that and I don't know why I just sat here and watch you Slowly talk about it, open the bottle and drink some and I don't know why I just sat here and watch you slowly talk about it, open the bottle and drink some before I stopped you. I just, I didn't know exactly when to intervene. I gotta say this alstakes sauce is delicious. I mean it's not as good as this high in 57 but uh, it's not pretty good. Why, I don't know why I brought so many condiments. I got nervous. I don't know what to do and you're the keys and let's get in the hamper and One two Again, oh you want to go again? Yeah, all right. I'll match you up to the top of the stairs All right, here you go again I really need you. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Give you a big push, here he go! Oh! Woo! Woo! Alright, you saw you pick up big Arnie and all drive us to the hospital. Alright, now which way to the Mazi Dottie?

Where's the Mazi Dottie? Large please Mazi Dottie. The Mazi Dottie. The Mazi Hatchback, it's in the garage, it's this way, follow me through this door. Alright. Well now I'm scared open doors. Like when I open my closet door, a wizard and a skunk and an old man popped out like, what's going to happen when I, oh,

do I have to be scared about opening all doors now? Oh, no, you have nothing to be afraid of. I am a great and powerful wizard, as you know, and I will protect you from all manner of creature. Whatever terrible beast lies beyond that door, there is the most bloodthirsty creature you can imagine Know that even as it wraps its slimy tentacle around your neck that you said oh shall raise his staff and sword and Smite it down But also we're leaving at some point you sir. Can you he's gonna his whole life? He's gonna be terrified of doors. Can you magic it so that anytime he closes a door your magic opens a window? Sure yeah. All right let me see how that would work.

Oh god I'm gonna be an inside boy the rest of my life aren't I? Okay I don't want you to be afraid of doors so anytime you you close a door for now I want you to know that there's a window opening in my magic because he had to protect you. Enough talking about doors. Let's break on through to the other side. Alright. Okay, this is a garage. This is where we keep lawnmowers and cars and bikes that we don't ride very often. Oh, well, this is a very strange vehicle.

It's a little bit different than the one on it brought to, I'll, the older you brought to all the world. This is a weird, what's this over here on the shelf? Super sucker. What's a super sucker? That's got like a little pump here. That's for a bike, I think. I read, I read Ozes use supersoaker. What is this?

It's a, it's a squirt gun. Huh. Take that, the old bag. That's a, a fabulous thing I've heard in this entire episode's a squirt gun. Huh. Take that, the old bag. That's a good, the foulest thing I've heard in this entire episode. A squirt gun? Who, I'm gonna wash all mouth out with soup. I'm a good boy.

Here, let me open this hatchback. And we can shove this big, big version of me into the back of the hatchback. Okay. Okay. Oh. It's the best seat in the car, because you have a big window on the back. Okay. Ah! Okay. Ugh. Ugh. Whew. It's the best seat in the car, because you have a big window on the back.

You can like, talk, you can like, wave at other cars. Okay. And what other words to open the door to get the car out? Oh. You just have to hit this button. Ah! Oh, it's a terrible noise. I know. Whoa. Oh, it stopped halfway.

Is it? Huh. Do we need to feed it? I'm going to have to stop hitting it. Oh. it stopped halfway. Is it? Do we need to feed it? I'm gonna have to stop hitting it. Oh, so I'll just hit it once. Okay, and then you don't hit it at all, okay? Okay, so, but we each need to hit it to get out of here, right? So each hit it once. The, here I'll start.

Hit, okay. Okay, now I turn. There we go. It's stopped halfway. It's going back down. Yeah. Well, let me just get inside here. All right, and how do I car?

Car on. Chunch, you figure out how the car runs while I burn through the... Wait, were you come from to cars talk to you? Like Michael Knight and Kit, a Knight writer? Well, in our world, cars are horses, and horses absolutely talk to you, so yes, is the answer. And Knights usually go by a more formal name, like... Sartana, Sermichl...

You wouldn't just call someone like, Tana's Knight, and that's rude. A Knight Rider isn't a thing, unless the horse is a Knight, and then there might be a Knight Rider, but typically the Knights ride the horses, not the other way around. Although around although I did no I did see one night with a horse on its back Okay, all right, let's see here You should have burned through that door and I'm going to what is this key? Where's this key go already told me about this one time the key goes in the key slot Let's see here. Oh, I got it

Wait guys before we go anywhere. I have to go back in the house and I have some VHSs I have to return to video outpost. Unless before we go to the hospital, you guys want to watch twins, young, I and Stein and beaches. Ooh, two of those sound bad. Just two? Hahaha. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Arnie. I'm so sorry I wrapped your car around a tree. You know, I put it in park and it stopped and then I got pissed and told you to do it or to magic it and wrap it around a tree. I'm so sorry.

My mom's gonna be so mad. And I just, I just thought it sounded like so much fun I had to try it out. It looks cool. It looks cool, right? It's art, right? I should have learned lessons from license to drive with Corey Hayman Corey Felton that if you try to drive without a license bad things will happen It's it's fine. It's fine little a camp. This is better than us continuing to breathe those noxious fumes inside of the garage. So we're outside now, isn't that an improvement? Yeah, you're right, I've got to remember.

Just like Corey, him and Corey Feldman, everything's always going to go all right for us. That's right. Is everyone named Corey? Hey, hey little a camp, how many people on earth right now are named Billy Yum Yum 2x2? I don't know, everybody. Huh? Okay, checks out. Makes sense to me.

But, honey, which way to the hospital? Which way to the hospital? Um, well, we have to get you the older version of you to the hospital. He's in dire need. Well, let's see, over that way is video outposts and over there's things dire need. Well, let's see over that way is Pretty well post and over there's things and pills Over there's the book nook Things and pills back up back up back up. Mm-hmm. What kind of things? Right. Is that the hospital? Our pills not things? Should it just be called things

That's a good point, Judge. Why are they swiour they think we know pills? Well, it's got a pharmacy in it and it has a That's a good point, Judge. Why are they, why are they thinking out pills? Well, it's got a pharmacy in it, and it has a... Pills, that covers pills. Yeah, and they sell... Everything else in the world? More or less, like how many things are there in the world?

There's a farm to see in there? A little, oh, there's their little baby piggies? Guys, I'm 30 years old, and I'm already exhausted by this conversation. You and everyone else, okay, Arnie, let's their little baby piggies. Guys, I'm 13 years old and I'm already exhausted by this conversation. You and everyone else, okay, Arnie, let's see, let's see, let's see, let's see. Oh, Arnie, when we met you before, whenever that was, you used to say

if you didn't know how to get somewhere, follow your nose. Remember that? Yeah, that's what I'm thinking about using as my quote from my yearbook for this year. You don't know where anything is, follow your nose. Perfect, and sad. So I'm gonna close my eyes and since I'm thinking about using is my quote from my yearbook for this year. You don't know where anything is, follow your nose. Perfect, inside.

So I'm gonna close my eyes. And since I'm in the form of a skunk right now, I have the cute sense of smell. So just let me know what I should be smelling for, what hospital smell like, and I'll sniff it out. Oh, well, I haven't really spent a lot of time in real hospitals, just ones in movies. In the movies, they always talk about how the food is bad.

So, smell for bad food? Okay. Follow me. real hospitals just ones in movies and the movies they always talk about how the food is bad so smell for bad food okay follow me start running here keep up keep up oh here we are ponderosa we left ony in the car oh oh no i'm right here. Oh, no, big Arnie. Oh, shit. Well, we're at a ponderosa, is that, is that a hospital while we're here, we could stop and partake in the Sunday bar. But I believe it's a Tuesday. No Sunday bars on Tuesdays. And this is like a nice screen. It's like a dessert out of a pump, kind of. A dessert out of a pump. I'm fascinated But I'm so worried about Arnie

Wait dessert out of a pump. I last time we were here. I saw someone fill up their car from the pump. Do cars run on ice cream? I wish I also wish that I also wish that and now my wishes shall be comfort reality And now my wishes shall be comforted. Hello, Kata. Ooh, one of the cars are crashing. Ooh, every car is crashing, guys. Watch out, watch out. Oh my God, there's ice cream everywhere. Well, hey, we'll follow some of these people

to the hospital. Yeah, wait, I think all we gotta do is find a phone somewhere and we can call 911! Okay, I learned that from William Shatner and we know in 1989 because phones are clear they could be anywhere so everyone start feeling around. I'm just gonna summon Arnie's body here to the Ponderosa. You know, I'm fed gonna summon Arnie's body here to the Pandarosa. Chant, you keep looking for the phone. I-I'm gonna get Arnie's body here. Apes, hey, little, uh, little egg count?

Yeah, Chalk? Uh, Pandarosa's there everywhere, right? This isn't too regional. I mean, but Pandarosa's so great I have to imagine it's everywhere and will be forever. Okay, ooh, wait, what is that? Andros is so great, I have to imagine it's everywhere and will be forever. Okay, ooh, wait, what is that? Pay phone. Oh, we have to pay for a phone. I don't know, I left the house without any quarters. What's, I could just use my hand.

I hate to suggest this chunk because I'm like, I'm a good kid, but it looks like some people left some tips on the tables and since this is Ohio, most of the tips is just a couple quarters Okay, it's it's these coins with the head head on them. Yeah, those are supposed to go to the the wait staff But I guess this is an emergency. Okay, excuse me little metal heads We need we need your help. I'm gonna put you over there to pay for a phone. Is that okay little metal heads Talking to the coins?

Arnie, they have heads and mounts, okay? Surely they're, are they living? Do you not have coins where you're from? We have coins, but they don the entire tree and the car just yanked the roots right out of the ground. Oh You hate to see that whoops And this up kind of the part of the sign. Oh my gosh guys Have you ever noticed that the word ponder is in ponderosa? No, this is the first time I've ever seen a ponderosa Yeah, I never thought about that because I don't know ponderosa. Yeah, I never thought about that. Yeah. Cause I don't know ponderosa, really.

Oh, yeah, the phone. Alameachis, okay, and... Okay, so I think I put these coins in here. Did you ask them if they wanted to be put in there? I did, they didn't reply, they... I guess there's... Where's the new guys from? Did you have talking coins in your world?

Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, if they have a head on, what kind of things do your coins say? Well, that's somehow like you're cheap. You're cheap bastard. Yeah, help kill me. Which but occurs on me. Please kill me or help me. Yeah, if we're only kill stuff like that. I don't believe you. Do any of you have any talking coins on you? Uh, let me see. Here we go. Here's one right here Were you always a coin Not getting not getting any of that. Too high pitch.

Yeah, I was always a coin. Fine. I just want to be human. Turn me into a human, please. Why do you want to be a human? It just looks like so much fun. Okay. It's okay.

You know what? I'm going to do it. I've been carrying this coin around for 100 years, but I'm going to do it. Today's the day I'm going to do it. You know, I'm only 13, but I feel like I can confidently say, you don't have a lot of impulse control. Me? Yeah. Why would I need that? Hmm.

I mean, I do want to see what it looks like if you turn this coin into a person. Alright, careful. I'll put you up a tree. Alright, I'm gonna throw you on the ground to start. It's a bunch of me, to me, to me, lot of time, you know, that, you know, take a human farm! Huh! A little legs, poro. Be this not over next. Stop touching your penis!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're still touching his ding-dong in his butt butt. Friend, I have to warn you, you're on a different planet, you're not on food right now, and we've traveled back in time about two, I'd say 24-ish years or so. Look at that time, it says Pandan. That's right.

Go ahead. Get some ice cream. Or just suck on one of these gas tanks. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Ah, what a sweet guy. It's nice to do a good deed every day. That's why I hang on to those coins.

In case I don't have a good deed, I just got one ready to go. Hi, everyone, running screaming out of that ponderosa. Well, I know what, honey. What happened in there? Arnie, what other, looks like there's nobody going to the hospital for now. Everyone just seems pissed off the cars

Ground to a halt. What else do hospitals smell like? Sickness sickness, okay. Can you be more specific? Bed pants? Oh piss. Yeah already just say piss just say piss say it Peepy say it. Hey camp say piss say it. Peepie say it. Hey camp say piss piss I'm recording this now smoke this cigarette. No Fine, okay to cigarette. It's on the ground here. Oh, okay Smells like this. It's oh cigarette, the box is true blue. It's not like it's about you.

Yeah, give me those. I'm gonna smoke these later. You know what I just realized? I don't think we need a coin. We could probably just call 911. It's probably a free call because it's an emergency number. Why didn't you say that? I didn't just say that from the beginning.

Okay, let me pick up the phone here. Okay, oh, the phone's talking. 911, what's your emergency? Um, how are you doing, what's your name? Now, what is your emergency, please? This is a podcast, do you mind if we interview you? I don't know what a podcast is, is that, is there a pod emergency?

Oh, sweetie, no. What do you do for living? I'm an emergency responder. Oh, I'm an operator for the emergencies. And let me bring in my other co-host, you used to door the wizard? Ah, hello, I'm you emergency responder. Hmm, I'm an operator for emergencies. And let me bring in my other co-host, Yusudor the Wizard. Ah, hello, I'm Yusudor. Wizard had a 12-rayal mother-feezeous master of light and shadow. Many pylite-er of magical lights. Devour of chaos!

Champion of the great halls of Trakis. The elves, Nomiya's fying, the dwarves, Nomiya's zonin, who's stagging cheese, and I am known throughout the North East as guess- Warp Roman. Warp Roman. And there may be other secret names names names that have ever uttered aloud on an alternate world such as this

Winston's most certainly the ponder and ponderosa would begin to ponder the I feel like this might be a prank call, but hang it on anyway They might need goof off material for rescue 9 material for rescue 911 and it's second season So I'm gonna keep I'm gonna keep you on the line. Oh, you sir make a note. We need to buy some Goof off material I want like a cloak made out of that great. I'll get some socks. Maybe socks is fire. Um, fun. What was your name again? Trev Trev, huh. Okay, Trev, we have two friends, but they're the same person, if that makes sense. One's from the future.

One's from the future. There's a big one tiny one. We need to get the big one to one of your, what you call hospitals. Okay, what's street, or, what is your location? Ponderosa. At the intersection of Ponderosa and ice cream. Sir, do you have any idea how many Ponderoses there are in this part of Ohio? I am not yet knighted.

Thank you for pointing that out. So please do not address me as sir. Six, seven hundred. I don't know. That's me, that's about right. Okay. Is there someone I can call to find out that information? Is there a number to dial for information?

All right. I'm going to transfer you to Ponderosa corporate. Paper, paper, paper. Okay. Ponderosa corporate, how can it help? What's your name? Hi, what do you do for living? My name is Jake and I'm the receptionist here at Ponderosa.

You serve this guy as the sexiest voice. Whoa, thank you. Well, I don't know why I'm thinking. I'm saying thank you, but. Ah, you seem real pleased with yourself. Look, he was needing something. I don't get time to fuck around. Yeah, actually, I do need something.

Do you mind, and it's very urgent, could you tell me like a recipe in that voice? Maybe for like guacamole or something? Sure. For Pandarosa's guacamole. For wait, for what? For Pandarosa's guacamole or something? Sure. Aponderosis guacamole. For weight for what? For ponderosis guacamole. Guacamole.

For ponderosis. If you go to ponderosa, you're gonna get a stake for $3.99 plus a bank potato with all the fixins. You can go to the salad bar as many times you like. And you know what, take a good long pull on that ice cream pull and get a big heap and help an ice cream with all the fixings. I'm from another world, and 399 for a steak seems like too little. It's 1989, man.

That's got to be a rough cut of beef. Um, how many, catching is PP and butt butt? How many, how many ponderosis are there in this area? I put area here. I might be intersection of ponderosa and ice cream. Look, I've got time for this nonsense. Isn't that your job? No.

Oh. I'm here to answer calls, serious calls. Oh. About ponderosa. And to forward those calls to the executives who make delicious Affordable meals possible for an entire nation. Okay, buddy. We get it. Oh, I have a serious question for you Did you know that the word ponder is in ponderosa? I haven't been spending enough time with my wife and Jack. Jack. Yeah, he's got this guy's How is that? His confirmation.

He's weeping. I should have been there for you, Linda. I just did it. Why did I put all my time to answer the phone for Ponderos? You, sir, turn this guy into a coin. Can you do that over this device? Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

No problem. Hello, hello, hello, hello. I see you for the first time. Whoa! Whoa! Who's the buddy? Impulse control problems. Absolutely no problem Impulse control problems there you go now your coin hope that helps okay Put that down okay that got us nowhere Arnie still alive. I went and checked while you were talking to the ponderosa good good good good good Wait, what is that noise?

It sounds like police sirens. Oh, that's a police. It's kind of like we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, it's not, it's not, it's not like, remember those granite eagles? Yeah. They're like drowning and they're like, we, we, we, we, that's kind of what it sounds like.

That was one of the saddest days. And I'm so sad that we didn't capture it to share with our audience. Yes. While it was tragic, it was also, you know, just part of the beauty and majesty of nature. Yes, the delicate fabric that is thin. And I feel like, and I don't want to, this sucks to say, it's a granite eagle. It shouldn't have been in the lawn. Right. But it's natural enemy. Yes. You know, a granite eagle should know to stay out of it.

Yes, but it sucks that I have to say that because I like the band-in. Oh, what is this? Oh, there's a big... We should do more nature stuff in the show. Oxy is like a box car. It's like a boxy car, white boxy car. Oh, it's big.

Ambulam. We can all fit in there. Hey, camp, what's an ambulam? It's an ambulance. Oh, quick, I. Ambulab. We can all fit there. Hey camp. What's an ambulab? It's an ambulance. Oh quick I'll shoot. I'm almost out of tape. I gotta flip this over Well, I'm glad we found you guys out there. Let's get you to the hospital Can we go here right along? Sorry. Can we ride along in the ambulance? Yes, hop on in I'm just gonna take a look at your friend. I assume he's your friend.

He kinda has, it's actually me from the future, I think. Sure buddy. I was gonna say, he kinda looks like you, so I assume it's your older brother. Wait, it looks like me. Yeah, it looks a lot like you. Dad, older brother, I'm not quite sure. Let me just run some tests here.

Just grab a seat, grab a seat. Oh, is it Halloween already? Didn't we pass Halloween? Well, I'm going to a ball. Yes, and I am an animal. Oh like a like a party animal. Okay, okay. All right. Just doing some tests here. Okay. Oh Oh Jesus Oh, no fucking only, oh, holy shit. Christ on the crap. Jazz is gross.

Jesus, a lot of religious profanity. Um, I should have introduced myself. My name is Danny Asiyago. Um, I'm an EMT. I have never, I'm sorry, I've just never seen this before. It looks like your friend. I'm so sorry, I didn't rip that out. You're telling us very important information

about future me. Yes, in his health. But did you say your name is Danny Asiyago? Well, no, I'm, you future me. Yes, his health. But did you say your name is Danny Asiago? Well, no, I'm, you caught me. My name is Daniel Asiago. But my friends call me Dan. I just, to people just ever just call you Asiago. Huh?

Do we ever just call you Asiago? Like just your last name? Well, in college, my nickname was Cheese, but that's because I come from, I don't get it. I come from Welf. Little Annie. Yeah. Right now, let's put these questions on pause but this skill set's going to serve you well in the future oh yeah stay curious buddy stay curious what were you saying Danny yes I did a quick scan and it seems huh I

just never seen this in my in my two weeks as an EMT I have never seen this before I'm getting an image I using our scan here I'm getting an image of a in my... In my two weeks as an EMT, I have never seen this before. I'm getting an image, I'm using our scan here. I'm getting an image of a fox's face inside your friend's stomach here. Wait, fox face aren't you always said he hates that shit. It's not like eating fox face behind our backs. Well, sometimes I slip it into his food, because I think it's good for him, you know.

Wait, hold on, do you slip a fox face into other food? Yeah, I like, I put it in a piece of cheese or something. I'm also seeing, it's some sort of red liquid. I don't, I don't know if I've ever seen this before. It could be blood, but it seems a bit different. It seems as a different consistency. That's probably red potion. He probably snuck a red potion,

which doesn't really mix well with Fox Face to find perfectly honest. Does anything mix well with Fox Face? Little Arnie, do you need to go to walksees? I do, I am kind of freaking out a little bit. I can't nervous being in an ambulance. Do you know what the party, need to go to the party? I do, sir.

I've been pulling at my peepee and butt put you know Shunt shunt you and Danny talk. Yeah, you and Danny talk. I'm gonna take on it Oh, well the bathroom. Oh, okay. It's only take about 15 minutes. Oh Shit What's going on? No, no, no, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh rates, two words. Oh, I shouldn't talk, right? Let me hold up. Oh, hold up to. Okay. Where are those guys? Also, they got out of the ambulance. Shouldn't we be driving somewhere? Where am I? Oh, Chuck, where am I? Oh, God, I'm sorry. I just, I sensed the bad podcasting was happening. Oh, God, am I in an ambulance? Are we on Earth?

Oh God, am I an ambulance? Are we on Earth? Yes, you're on Earth, whatever. That means to you. Listen, buddy, you've had quite a day. I can also tell there's some deep tissue scarring where something quite sharp went through your middle torso. Oh, a sword. Yeah, a sword. A sword went or an obsidian blade, head magical properties. Excuse, are you a prop master? Have you been in any movies I know?

I am the greatest warrior in all of food, but I don't know we have time to get into that. Okay, take a deep breath, deep breath, and you turn on the gas, deep breath. Apparently, all the ponderosas are closed now because someone at corporate called and just said to forget about it. Listen, I had to put your friend under, um, he woke up and he was talking nonsense. Oh, uh, what sort of nonsense? He said something about an obsidian sword and, um, the greatest warrior in Finn. Finn?

How do you say the greatest warrior in Finn? I think he's the greatest warrior in Finn. I'm so sorry, Interruptor, you're telling some important stuff, but did you just say so- Yeah, that's bad forecasting, aren't you? What? Yes, sword. Sorry, I'm from New Hampshire.

I'm Danny Asiago of the New Hampshire Asiago. Danny, is there a bathroom in the back of this ambulance that little Arnie could use? We have a bed pan. Arnie, is that work for you? No. I also have a saucepan. Are you at that work for you? No. I also have a saucepan. Okay, I'll use that.

I guess I won't be making my spaghetti tonight. I don't know much about medicine here on Earth, but why do you have a saucepan back here? Well, I live out of the ambulance. It's sort of like camping for me. I come from wealth and I realize that I, you know, I have a lot of legs up in life, so I'm trying to rough come from wealth and I realize that I, you know, I have a lot of, I have a lot of legs up in life So I'm trying to rough it, whatever I can

Wow Therefore I stay in this ambulance Until I park it at the Waldorf Astoria here in Ohio and take the pen house for the night Hmm Chunk, why do you keep like gesturing wildly while everyone else is talking? How do you mean Arnie? I'm just... I'm playing Shraids. Ah, shit, I talked. I guess I'll have to start over. Critters, too.

I have to admit, it's really weird when I'm the tall one. Like, watching the two of you interact like freaks me out. Well, actually, um, I'm six, three and a half. Oh, that does put me somewhat at ease, but usually I'm used to the big Arnie, not the little Arnie. And can I say, um, sir sir I love your mohawk I assume it's a mohawk it seems to be for canonical hats is that how you say that canonical right I suppose you could call it a hat hawk but yes if I take these hats off yeah it's just big spiky mohawk yeah bitchin bitchin that's cool that's cool yeah I was gonna ask about. When the three of you jumped out of my closet

and I saw the Mohawk's first, second I thought it was being attacked by road warriors. No, that's a good movie, we're good, good movie. Ah, Ani, would you like a Mohawk? Mm, I don't think I could pull it off. I agree. I know we've been in the ambulance for a while. Why aren't we not going anywhere?

Oh, you have to say, where are we going? Hospital. Hospital, okay, let me turn on the fare and... Turn on the fare! Knock on the window here and Kyle's gonna start driving. Any hospital? Uh, show up? Yeah, uh, Chant, can we go to any hospital? You don't care, right? Um, I guess? Oh, boy. Um, I guess the... the best one? Is that me? oh boy um I guess the the best one is

I'm okay oh good yeah the best one Lillani what's the best hospital here to town Cedar side night here we come say elsewhere that's how to hear okay I'm removing I gotta be honest it seems like just kind of feeling around the abdominal area of your friend's abdomen. Um, it feels like they might be- Do you know what you're doing? Hey man, I've been working- Arnie, for two weeks.

Arnie, don't be rude to your elders. He's feeling around the abdominal area of the abdomen. Yeah, it kept me some slack, okay? Did my dad get me through medical school? Absolutely, okay? That was nice of him. Yes, oh yes, absolutely. It feels like just for my untrained fenghis. It feels like he has fenghis. Fenghis. Fenghis. Fenghis. It feels like he has what we call

de-bloxis or oroxis. The common term is kidney stones. You can feel that with your hands? Yes. But what? Hey, a little bit. Put your hands right here. Uh-huh. And if you push down, I feel stones. Yeah. Yeah, I think those are kidney stones. Danny, I'll see how good. So we're going to have to, we'll probably have to take out his kidneys. That being sounds familiar to me. What can I ask, what are your blood types?

Huh? Like thick, thin, chunky, mild. What are your blood types? That girl in water? Mine's electric rainbow. Oh, is that a universal? Yes, it does travel throughout the universe. Perfect, so we may need, if we have to put this guy under the blade, we do have to probably get one of you to donate blood,

and possibly a kidney. Now, does anyone have multiple kidneys? I'm sorry, I can't donate any blood. If my blood is transfused into the ony's body, he'll grow a horse dick and a horse face. We should all be so lucky to have your blood, huh? Give me some of that, give me some of that. Oh no, I'm joking, I'm just a bad,

you know, it sounds good, but it's not. I mean, it's literal. Oh, it's weird, it's weird. It gets weird. Details. How could it possibly get weird? Well, you see a horse is much bigger than a human. And the penis sort of runs along the stomach. And the horse face is, I think, sort of self-explanatory. Much bigger, huge teeth kind of protruding forward. Yeah, real long in the face. You start to crave sugar and salt. Sometimes at the same time,

it gets kind of weird. I've been a horse before. Yeah, a chun's been a horse. Yeah, a chun's been a horse. And I got us, I mean, I gotta say, a big old horse dick, more of a curse than a blessing. You know, you should have just turned into a horse. We should have just written you to the hospital. I could have turned into a horse. What was I think? Oh, old time Oh, well, this is better, you know, get a little local color turn turn into it. Okay, um, all right, so Let's look like we're here Kyle says we're here. So that's gonna be Looks like that's gonna be 2732.

Little Oli, pay the man. I don't have any money. Why camp? You don't have any money? No. I don't have any houses any money. Look, I don't, I don't, I've probably had like $3 in my billfold. Danny, I don't know the conversion rates here,

but here are three face coins of damned souls. Oh, I can bite into that. Oh, it seems like it's some sort of precious metal. Here are three face coins of damned souls Bite into that. Oh, it seems like it's some sort of precious metal. I'll accept Alex careful. They could bite back Huh, oh Kinky Well take care and if you ever meet my dad tell him I'm doing great. Are we sure we got in manbillant? So not just some perverts van. Okay, here we go. Um Emergency oh no, we have that word on food emergency and not just some perverts van. Okay, here we go. Emergency. Oh, no, we have that word on food and emergency.

Okay. Oh, let me turn, let me kind of sheep shift into a small kind of flat wide horse, like a gurney, like a gurney sheep horse. Okay, put Arni on top of it. Okay, let me just kind of truck through. All right. Earth people, I'm here with a very normal request.

Please take my friend off my gurney horse. I'm going to call that a more abrupt unsatisfying ending than Deadwood Season 3, and that's not easy. But, looking through this cardboard box, I do see at least one more tape, so I guess we'll still be in 1989 next week. Ready yourself. Use it or the wizard was played by Mat Young. Shond the talking badger was played by Atelre V. Teenage Arning was played by any one of yourond the talking Badger was played by Adolfie.

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Thank you. Macho Man Tis Randy Mantis. That's right. Oh my god. I would die from this. I'm gonna die from this. I'm gonna die from this. I'm gonna die from this.

I'm gonna die from this. I'm gonna die from this. I'm gonna die from this. I'm gonna Randy Mantis. That's right. Oh my god. I would die for that Probably Martin short. Oh man. Once again. I don't think Martin short Died short. What? Let me I'll Google it It's like having the cast in your own home without the part where it's 2 a.m And Ava won't leave even though you've turned out all the lights and gotten into bed and are doing cartoon snoring. To hear the rest, shudder.

And learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Indycamp, Matt Young and Adolfiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer, Emma Hofferman. This episode edited by Steffen Drainjer, hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern 1989 theme by Andy Poland. you