Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 79 - 1989: Hospital (w/ Jordan Klepper)

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

Little Arnie, Usidore and Chunt meet a competitive eater in the waiting room of an Earth hospital.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiPork Howitzer: Jordan KlepperMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, and I must add, even though we ended last week on a bit of a cliffhanger, I do hope none of you have spent the interim period perched by your computer device, waiting for this continuation. You always have the option to pause this audio recording, feed any nearby animals, reply to correspondence, check your socials, bathe, take shelter from the elements, the things that make life worth living. Take in care of all that? Great.

I've got this Dusty cassette from 1989 ready to play. Where we'll find our, I'll say heroes, but it literally hurts my mouth, hanging out in a hospital in Ohio. Where all timeless stories begin? Enjoy the show! It's the Arne E. Neac show, usually recorded in my bedroom. I'm Arnie Neacamp, a 13 year old boy. Well, actually 13 year old teenager, but we're doing a special episode here in the hospital. No, no, no, no, no, this is all wrong.

Arnie, this is not how you start the show. What? Try it like this. Say, hello from the Magic Tavan. I'm an old man from Earth. And I've been transported to a magical world where I've met the most attractive wizard and a very handsome badger.

And we got amazing adventures together. Yes, and we record the podcast right here at this very, this very, what is this? It's like a magazine rack? What is this? Yeah, magazine rack. Like a magazine rack? Try saying hello from the magic tower.

Yes, hello from the magic tower. Okay, do I have to say a magic tower? Yes, just say it. In a hospital waiting room. You know what, you store a fuck it. This is Yusador. This is Chant. And we're drop in nuts,

because I just dropped my cash use. Arnie, a little acampd, do you want to be on an episode of Dropping Nuts? I guess I guess so. Ha ha ha. Well, the vending machine here on this waiting room in a hospital upon the planet Earth has the most amazing array of nuts I have ever seen in one place packaged and ready to eat. This is the sort of peanut related content that our listeners have been dying to hear. Yes, this rest, this rectangular motherfucker had what was it called, planters? It was a nut that you, it's you plant it and it gr- and there's a spiral, there's like

a metal pig's tail that holds all the nuts. And when you type in a certain magical code, the metal pig tail recoils in fear and all the nuts drop to the bottom. So, thus dropping nuts, it also, because I spilled my nuts. Now, ony, at the top of your long-screen, boi boi boi boi. Uh-huh, boi boi boi boi.

Ah, excellent. You invented that now. Oh, really? I think so. Is that really popular where you're from? Oh, sure. It's popular where you're from, but well, it is popular in food, but it's because of Arnie. But I think Arnie said that a pit bull invented it in 2008 or something? A worldwide pit bull invented it, I believe. Does that make sense? Does that mean anything to 1989 or?

Nothing makes sense, they use guise say. Yeah. Now, chunt, since Arnie isn't here, where Little Arnie is here, but Big Arnie isn't here, I need you to introduce the show for everyone. Little Arnie, you're doing a great job, but thank you. This is a big show for big boys. Yes.

Yes, okay, let me coff my droopy mohawk. Well, from droopy to swoopy. Here we go, just put a little spit in there and da da da da da da. Okay. Hello from the Magi Tavi, a weekly podcast from the magical hospital on Earth. This is, wow, this is harder than I remember. Yum yum yum yum yum. Nuts, this is Yusser the Wizard.

Yusser introduce yourself. I am Yusser the Wizard. Yusser introduce yourself. I am Yusser the Wizard of the Twelfth Rail of the Feezea Smash Drop Light and Shadow. Manipulated Tart of Magical Lights. The power of Chaos, Champion of the Great. No, I'm sorry. I guess I can keep that. Sorry.

Yeah. There are a lot of sad people around us. Yeah, that nurse was. It's worth saying. Giving me a stink guy. Yeah. I think on Foon I might have died from the evil emanating from her very eye This gentleman here doesn't seem to happy with me either. Yeah, he just keeps like leaning in closer and closer to us while we're talking

I'm I'm sorry Yeah, you guys talk about the ex on Valdez What what huh? I'm sorry that thexon Valdez is this a magical spell that you teach me? Wait, why does Valdez have an Exx on him? Is he some sort of treasure, walking treasure? I'm sorry, if I interrupted you, you guys seem like you had a good thing going.

I noticed some high energy. I just think it's not everybody's minds. I'm excited to the maladies that just cross this room. But boy, whoo. Well hold on, sir. Hold on. Just the animals that just across this room. But boy, whoo. Well hold on, sir. Hold on. Just the animals. Just covered in tar.

Just the bird cartage. Just. Bird. You've seen the birds. They can't clean those wings off. I mean, they're trying. But that's just for sure. Oh, wait, wait.

You know, with all the drama and death and today's day and age. Please, birds die too, it's just, I mean, pull your chair over. Please come, excuse me, I guess, on the show. Excuse you, Jover, I should tell you, I'm recording all of the, we're saying, on my tape recorder here for a school project. Oh, great, Kudos, Kudos to you.

What a happy, happy that you to, should I speak up? Do you want me to talk louder? Louder into this? I'm- Wait, he- he handed Arnie something. Let me see it. It says Kudos on it. Chocolate covered. Huh.

I've never seen a Kudos in real life. You never had a Kudos? I used to be able to house a pound and a half of these things in- in three minutes flat. I mean, that's my thing. So they're- they're living things. You don that's my thing. So they're living things. You don't want to eat them because they're living. You put them in a house.

Kudos? No, no, you can buy a house if you eat enough of those things. That'll happen in markets like Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Tampa as a hell of a market for something like that. You can make a good living off of Kudos. But it's regional business. Gosh, are you into competitive eating? Do you guys know competitive eating? Oh, yeah.

Sir, you seem like the most interesting person I've ever met. Oh, what? Very good, Arnie. Ask him some questions. He's been to Tampa. Oh, Tampa. I, you know, I can tell you the thing you're doing about Tampa. Perhaps, perhaps top five Floridian City, but the people down there, they love it. They love the sport of it, you know? I mean, a lot of people at the end of their lives,

so they're looking for any kind of action, but seeing a virile man shoving his face with, you know, well, there's the tuna festival, you have the tuna all you can eat. They got the kudos, obviously. The Eminem Festival, the Jelly Roll, the Jelly Roll, people watch you eat any amounts of jelly for hours at a time done in Florida and they love it

They appreciate it. They understand the sport the art in and all so if I'm done to stand correctly your profession Is eating oh god my profession was Eating no What what happened that you are no longer The employed yeah, you look as healthy as a horse. Can I show you something? Oh, is it poopy ladies? Yeah, there's no there's no there's no there's no I'm gonna take up a shoot here if you don't mind. Oh Take it. Take fit Take a look at this bad boy right here. Oh, it's what is pulsating. Oh

Yeah, that's good. Oh, I want to poke it with a needle arney arney little a camp do you have a needle no i want to have a needle kit kid touch it kid touch it okay um displace strange now this is good this is science this is how the body works alright uh... get touch it you have squeeze in there it feels hot to the it is it's very warm the doctor says if if you touch it that's a hundred and seventeen degrees right there.

Body temp, 98.6. Gout, Gout runs at hot 117. You can feel it right there. That thing is, but you can feel my heart. Put your cheek up against it. Put your cheek up. What you'll notice, usually, you know how you can feel a heartbeat through the chest. You can have a finger on somebody's wrist. You can feel somebody's heartbeat. a gout to heartbeat, feel it. It's double time. It's double time, put your cheek up against it. Your cheek up against my foot. Arnie, I put my ear up to it, I can hear the ocean.

There's a lot going on down there guys, it's painful. It's painful, it's like death on feet, it's like I'm walking through coals here. Arnie, you really should put your cheek up against his foot. Put it up, get, come on, get, come on, get on kid put it. Okay. This is feels strange, but okay. Yeah I hear something. Yeah, that's my that's my my still beating heart beating twice as fast as used to now sir Sir you said it's like walking through coals. No, is that that's like a department store? Yeah, no It's like walking through it's a it's a real popular chain

You guys know Coles right? Well, just just from what Arnie's mentioned. Yeah, it's the rich man's DJ Max That can't be right so can I just say oh It's somebody who I mean I don't want to I don't want to brag but I I've had my successes in the world I could put down whatever you put in front of me, and that kind of thing, it pays dividends. I used to, I used to, used to shop at TJ Maxx back in the old days when I was pension those pennies. But yeah, then I became a cosman and never looked back. But who knows, who knows now, who knows what the future holds

for me? Colorful. I'm so sorry. Please allow us to introduce ourselves. This, of course, is Arnie, the lesser. And this, of course, he's my, he's my grandson. And this is my other grandson. He's a very, very young man named Chunk. I'm Chunk. And, uh, his name was Chunk. Chunk, yes, of course, Chunk. And, uh, I, of course,

am Yusudora, a happy grandfather grandfather with a spiky mohawk. I love it, the hair. Thank you. Can I just say a tugs on gene coat? Can I just say you can call me chant, or you can call me chunk, or you can call me chant-chunk, or you can call me chant-chunk,

or you can call me chunk-chunk, or you can call me, dunk-dunk, he'll do this for, he'll do this until he's out. I'll understand. I'll probably just take the short one. And you, sir, what's your name? Thank you for joining us on the show today.

Yeah, people call me a pork, pork hollitzer. Pork, pork hollitzer? Pork hollitzer. That one, all sorts of time. Like the gun, like the howitzer. Like the howitzer. Yeah, like howitzer. Yeah, that's a long family name.

We're actually related to the Hollitzer, Chuck Hollitzer. Oh, yeah, the wealth you think comes from that, it doesn't, all right, just the pride. Well, Port, can I just say, our other co-host, well, this is kind of our other co-host, but our main co-host is in the ER, the ER, as you call it, and we don't know when he's gonna be done. We don't know what's wrong with him completely.

So would you mind, not co-hosting, but would you mind being our guest and being kind of interviewed for? God, I would love it, I love it, I gotta tell ya. I just feel, I feel a little low right here now guys and see other strapping young folks with energy around them. I, you know, if any of that can rub off on mail tickets,

so whatever you need, what do I gotta do? Is there anything fancy I gotta do? Contract, I gotta sign. Oh no, you just have to, I just want me to eat this microphone right here. Oh no, no, no, please don't eat the microphone. I can't, pencil, I see a pen over there, I'm gonna eat one of those magazines or off that rack.

What do you need? Oh well, maybe you should eat one of the magazines. What kind of weird stuff do you, what's like, do you eat stuff that's not food? Well, I mean, in certain places, definitely Nevada, that seems to be kind of the cottage industry there. Mostly, mostly food, it's regional cuisine, depending where you go. I've done some international stuff, but competitively, mostly a US-based sport, but on the fringes, sure, yeah, I'll do anything, the money's good.

The fringes, is this, or did you hear that? The fringes? Yes, I did, yeah. Isn't that Arnie's thing? Isn't he always worried about fringes? A fringes. Specifically, I think time wise, he might be a little bit for that.

We don't want to give too much away in the stuff the timeline. Let's just say pork, if you ever get a chance, buy stock in fringe. But not Caesar one. Season two. See, there's a sport, some sort of a letter. It'll make sense in about 13 years or so. Oh, whatever you're talking about, I'm gonna become obsessed with it. I've just decided right now. Oh no, we caused this.

Time is a circle. So, Pork, it sounds like you're from Florida, is that right? Well, I born in Florida, but then moved to the Great Midwest and spent most of my time Chicago-based. Oh, and what are some things? Oh, are these from Chicago? No, it's not from Chicago, we listen oh night and what are some things are these from Chicago uh... uh... no it is not from chicago listen chicago what are some things and chicago well don't i feel like we're accidentally

we're accidentally solidifying and it's a little bit more okay chicago little ony you're going to grow up and you're going to go through a number of of trials and you're going to go through a number of trials and you're going to go out with different people and you're going to go to different schools and then you'll end up in Chicago where you'll find your friends, your lifelong friends, until you're transported to another world where you meet your real friends, me, your chants. Family, yes, your family.

Yes, your forever family. Oh, that's so nice. And then you'll never get back to Earth. Oh, sorry. Spoiless for the end of the podcast. So pork, what are some things that you would eat in the Midwest? What are some popular tummy treats?

From a competitive standpoint, you're talking about, or a hobbyist. Sure. I mean, competition-wise, you get your deep dish, you get your hot dogs, you got your basic pork products, you got your burgers, your fast food, your sliders, things of that nature. The fringes, if you're going in an admin objects,

to sports-based culture, you got your gloves, there's a wild one, downers grove, it's dark, it's a legal it's off the books, but you can make a good two G's off that one. Yeah, you got your corn, I mean, the vegetables, that tend to be a fringe thing, corn is about as far as you go. If you do it with the cob, you got your corn. I mean, the vegetables, that tends to be a french thing. Corn is about as far as you go. If you do it with the cob, you could double your money

like that. Those tend to be the basic ones. The people, the things people like, sweet, people love sweets too. There's a, there's a, there's a, there's a frango. A frango, frango, mince. That's frango. Yeah, oh, the frango, yeah, you know about those frangos?

Well Arnie would always say that's the best gift if you're from Chicago is frango mits. Arnie, get that or the Garrett Popcorn. There's a Garrett Popcorn tub. I can take that one of those things, 20 seconds flat. You waste time with your hands, you just go full face on that thing. Oh God. And the frango mits, if you're ever in Chicago, you gotta go to the frango mits, competitive

eating competition happens every year, boxing day. Check it out. We're at the weight. Well, I'm very impressed that you can make 2G, two gold pieces from doing this. That's a lot of money. Come again? Two G, you said you could make 2G? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, too grand, too grand.

You can make two grand off of it. Too grand. Well, forgive my ignorance, but I am slightly confused. How are you competing at eating? Are you competing against yourself to see how much you can eat? Are you competing against someone else? How do you win at eating? Existentially you're always competing with yourself.

Oh, what do you push your body to do? I mean, that's the joint. That's what I've always found with it. You know, I was a cutter growing up, so I was always at war with myself in some form or another. Competitive idiots, it's sort of an extension like that. Now, to be fair, there are 12 other people

who are eating with you, and so they're setting the bar, but you, you're always, you're always eating against yourself. I mean, that's what, your people make fun of me, and they say like, oh, you're the kind of guy who's out there eating alone, and I don't see it that way. And the kind of guy who's out there eating alone. And I don't see it that way. I'm the kind of guy who's out there eating and sitting across from me is a version of myself eating just as fast as I am pushing me to eat even faster.

People make fun of you? I can't imagine why. It's a tough world out there, you know? People have a hard time seeing somebody exist in a solitary state. You know, where I think like we're born in a solitary state, we die in a solitary state. Why are we so uncomfortable being confronted with that? You guys, I mean, where I think they were born in a solitary state. We die in a solitary state. Why are we so uncomfortable being confronted with that? You guys, I mean, am I talking crazy here?

I'm bothering you. I'm getting up my hour. No, no, no, no, no. Hi, I was definitely in a solitary state. People can be so cruel they probably make fun of your big cartoon foot. Arnie, no. And that's classic Arnie, though. Oh, wait a minute. You should or your crystal detecting ring is glowing. Oh yes, sir, do you have crystals on you? Crystal?

I think I got this high school ring. You said at any time you put the ring in your ass foot, it starts to glow. Do you have crystals in your foot? Oh, I got pure ins in there. Oh yeah, that uric acid, it creates these big monster crystals in there. I mean, that's basically what gout is.

It's just a packed, packed packed crystallized swelling in the foot. Well this is the ring that detects crystals but this other ring is the ring that detects white castles. So and they both seem to be going off. We're going fucking nuts. We never talk about how many rings you wear you said or I feel like that's a real blind spot in the podcast. Oh yeah, I got lots of rings to do all sorts of crazy shit. Yeah. This one detects when someone is sad. So it's always blue because someone somewhere is always sad. Of course.

Oh, it's not super cool. It's just detects if anyone is sad, anyone is. That's right. Yes. Huh. Are you sure it's working? I think so. Well, let me cast a spell that will make everyone happy

for about five seconds. All right. Only five seconds. I'm making everyone an entire universe happy for five seconds. That's pretty damn good. Does that include listeners? For I'm not?

After all, Quran and Ha-la-ha. See, huh, it's still blue. Looks like it's just a blue ring. But it's like a darker blue. Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Acamp? Why don't you interview, we're gonna take a break, but when we come back, why don't you practice Interviewing port to really hone those skills really flex those muscles. They're gonna serve you so well in your future Yeah, in Chicago. Yeah, that's right. We'll be right back with an interview from little Acamp Thank you doctor. That doctor's name was so funny. Chonsar, I'm sorry. Little Ony.

Yeah. Pork. Oh boy. Oh no, what did the doctor say? You look very serious. I have some... Grave news. Grave.

Ony. Uh huh. Is dead. Oh! No, no, no. Some... grave news. Ugh... grave... Arnie? Uh-huh? Is dead. Huh? No, no, no, sorry. Not dead. He said he had kidney stones and he's going to be fine. Oh, oh, thank God it says.

What? Why did you remember that is dead? I, sorry. I got confused because I was thinking about my cat. I mean, I gotta tell you kidney stones is a death sentence to some. What? It's like a golf ball.

They stick in your kidney and they pull it out to penis. Woo! Yeah. Oh no. Yeah, it's like, why would they put it there? I mean, it's, I mean, whatever God you pray to, ask Him. Because for some reason, good meals, most of your life and some bodies are deficient. This Arnie friend of yours sounds like he has some sort

of deficiency in this body and he's creating a golf ball, a spiked golf ball that at some point will have to be ripped through as you read through. I gotta be honest with somebody, put a golf ball in my penis, I'd be teed off. Pork, if I may, pork, how it's served? Can I just call you Poho? Poho, my friend here, a little,

I was thinking porky hoe, Arnie. Guys, why don't we just keep it pork howitzer? Tuché, Tuché. Pork, Arnie, why don't you, here's your chance, interview pork, be curious, get curious, stay curious, start to ask pork some deep questions and this will be good for the pork. Okay, yeah, go ahead.

So pork, how did you get into eating? Nice. Good question. Well, competitive or just, I mean, any kind. Any kind. Well, I mean, I guess. Like, when did you start?

Right away, to be honest. Do you think interesting? Ooh, to be honest. Interesting, interesting. Ooh, okay, yes. I think, yeah. Ask a follow-up question. Follow-up question. Was it good? Nice, nice.

Food? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, right, yeah, yeah. I think it could be. Yummy, food. Would you? Yeah, food. Yeah, yeah.

I'll ask him. Competitively, or just food? I'll ask him now,ettably or just food. I'll ask him now. Hobby turned into a passion which turned into a career. With mask in it. Quick. Quick. Now, not the hobby turned into a passion,

turned into a career. Oh, nice. That's a good question. Seventh grade. Hillside Elementary School. You might be asking, isn't Seventh grade a middle school? I'm in the elementary school. Oh, huh. Oh no, you should or your flashback ring.

It's sucking us into his memory! Whoa! Alright, class. Class settled down. Wait, what was that? What was that voice? Who said that? Speak up. Oh, uh, sorry, it's me. Pork.

Well, well, well, if it isn't pork chop howitzer. Doing whatever he wants in class because his family's got gun money. Pork, is there something you want to share with the rest of the class? I was just, I was a little bit hungry, so I was just eating my twigs. I'm sorry if I I caused this turbot So what happened again? Yeah, I'd like to see both of those twigs Wait, my son is so funny. My son is so funny. Don't would you would you really like to see that? Yeah? Eat all of them. I dare you all to eat all two of them My twin boys are so funny. I mean, okay. Oh

Man, he's doing it. Whoa. I should stop this It's not exactly fast, but it is impressive Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh stuck, you know, with the bug, the bug right away. You got bite of eating bug, as the expression goes. That's what I'm talking about. Eating bug, yeah. But, but, but,

but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but,

but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, It was low. I mean, if I got to try it. This is tough. I mean, you can see me. You can see me. I have a lot. I'm a big guy. All right.

People don't tend to gravitate towards me. They tend to let me do my own thing. So I don't have a lot of friends. And that was a moment where I thought I had a friend for that brief second that turned out I had a career which then became my friend. And I'm proud. I guess I was a question I was gonna ask in the whole sort of competitive eating business,

is there like, is there a social aspect? Like are there meat plates? You don't wanna hang out with any of these people. I mean, from a digestive situation, after a meet, everybody goes to their own hotel room and you stay there just functionally, biologically. There's no time, space, or energy to dissociate at that point. You're just pure defecation.

I don't even wanna be in that hotel. Oh, yeah, this is, or at least don't go to the hotel after one of those meet. No, right. It's like, yeah. By law, or at least don't go to the hotel after one of those meets. Right, so yeah. By law, are you allowed to all stay in the same hotel? Well, I think legally, be discrimination if you made a law about that. So I think we tend to, but there's sort of like

a pact between people to keep space. I mean, yes, there's always gonna be like, everybody's running for the handicap room, just spatially, it's always gonna be like everybody's running for the handicap room, you know, just Spatially, it's right better for everybody So there's a land grab there, but other than that do you ever find that when you're around other competitive eaters that your digestion syncs up is that just a rumor? You know that's it. I never never thought about it that way, but in some ways yes, you know 35 minutes after

deep-dish competition In some ways, yes, you know, 35 minutes after deep dish competition, we're all on the same page. And that page is... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's the kind of thing that would draw you closer if the things you were going through weren't so inherently polarizing and pushing you apart. Right, a truly discussing experience, but still a shared one. It makes it difficult to form long-term bonds. Well, also, what are you gonna do? I mean, the reality is like,

you're not gonna ask somebody out for dinner after that. Like, I've seen eight It's not particularly exciting for me to watch you eat your your filthy. It's disgusting I mean I'm the first to admit that the process of Competition in and of itself like it's like I imagine I see myself as an athlete I imagine NBA player after the game if they fall in love with another NBA player. They don't say like, hey, do you want to go play another round of ball?

Like, no. Right. There are other things in the world than eating though, pork. Well, you could ask one of your federal competitors, perhaps to go see the fabulous baker boys or Indiana Jones and the last crusade. What creators too? Or Creatus too, or enjoy Michael Jordan

in his fourth or fifth season. I mean, sometimes I like to small talk about the Cosby show and all the positive moral figures who pop up along a show like that, but that's kind of small talk only gets you so far. That, yeah, I suppose that's true. And there's so much bad TV. I just saw a pilot for a show called Sidefeld

that I'm like, this kind of stuff will never make it, you know? Yeah. That can't be right. In 1989, are you sure? I'm pretty sure that, well he's a powerful figure in the eating competition world. He probably gets stuff that we don't have access to for years. Oh, I spent so much time in hotels.

I watch all, I'm big up on NBC Pilots. I know everything that comes out. So I'm, you know, not that of it's celebrity, but I think people often look to people who have positions of power like this to have them give that stamp of approval. So when something like side-pillar comes out, of course, people want to know.

Do the eaters, do the champs, do they like something like this? That's where I weigh in. And that's not a weight joke. I'm not making a weight joke. But, no, of course not. But I could have. Well, pork, it sounds like correct me if I'm wrong. It sounds like you are interested in maybe dating. You mentioned people see you eating,

and then they don't want to go out to eat. Horny and hungry are strange bedfellows. Tell me about it. Is there something we can do to help you out? I dare say that my friend here has a magical touch. Wink, wink, 99. She when it comes to relationships. Oh, what a, oh.

Yes, well, I've had many relationships, and I know how to make some magical love potions that would make you more attractive to a potential mate. But you still have to be an honest and true person who would be kind and loving and true. Absolutely. You, you, sorry, if you give them some of your blood, doesn't he just suddenly have like a horse,

a horse, a horse, a horse face? They've been horse-dicking a horse face, yeah. Maybe, maybe that's, maybe we put that on the table? Well, I don't, I don't know if that's gonna help. Couldn't hurt, but you, you, you can, you can give me a horse dick. Well, if you got a transfusion of my blood, yes, you would immediately get me.

Oh, just to be clear, not to eat. No, not to eat. No, no, okay, we're not Nevada. The shit that happens in Nevada, I mean, you can make one of those documentaries about it. If you eat my blood, you turn into a verse bird vampire. Well, you have a bird beak and you only wanna drink bird blood. But if I drink your blood,

I myself get a elongated genitalia. That's right. No, transfusion, transfusion, transfusion. So if you drink my blood, no, hang on. If you eat my blood. A reverse? Your reverse bird vampire, you grow beak and you wanna drink what's your verse about it?

If you transfusion, if you get a transfusion, you grow a whole face. Have a big horse stick. If you drink my blood, then you are a regular bird vampire. And you have a regular human mouth, but birds want to drink your blood. I feel like I'm in church. You sort of can I pull your mind?

I just looked over at this very magazine rack. And this magazine right here says in huge bold letters, magic versus bird. What? This is, are we affecting the universe? And this, this magazine right here says in huge bold letters, Magic vs. Bird. What's this? Are we affecting the universe? Well, I mean, I did make everyone happy for a few moments, but I don't think that would have changed that magazine so quickly. That is wild. Okay, so what would it be? Ah, I guess I'll take the horsecac.

Brave, brave. Well, I mean, I guess the other choice is, I could give you one of these rings. I mean, I've got dozens of them. That seems easier. Yeah, maybe that's just easier. This one does cure gout. Oh, yeah, I would, I would,

I would love that ring. Yeah, that's, I would, I would, I would absolutely love that ring. That would give me my career back. Okay, well, before I give you the ring, okay. I want you to know, you will grow an extra big toe. I can take that. I just want you to understand the consequences here that this is not a, this is sort of a monkey's paw situation. It's not totally free.

Can I just say standing, if you want to put back your shoe, um, standing over your foot right now, it's, it's like, it's like hovering above a plate of fajitas. The steam coming, you said 117, what is it? 117, it is 117 degrees, you can test it. It is very, it is very, very hot. So before I give you this rate, I wanna give you a little bit of advice because I have a very sexual life with my lovers and it is often related to food.

Can I remind you too that I'm 13 years old? Yes, you should learn. Listen, I once appeared before my lady loved. Genelevia the Red, the other great wizard of food, and I transformed mine self into a plate of salmon locks, and she transformed herself into a bagel, bigger than any bagel you've ever seen and low the Sourd cream that did be twister's come as I did lay myself upon her bagel. Oh, yeah, sour cream and bagel If you've never had it try it it is surprise hold on does that sound does that help hold on? In what ways in a reverse bird vampire, I already explained that on it.

Keep on it. Buddy, and I've seen you out of the Cornie Rye glancing at that magazine with, what's this person? Cathy Ireland? I see you eyeballing this lady. What's going on here? Huh? Do you know this woman? She seems nice.

That. Seems nice. She's a little bit. Do you know Ireland? You've met Cathy Ireland. Big, big competitive food fan. Oh, yeah. All this from two bottles. They love it.

They love it. It's like porn to them. To watch all these people just gores themselves with food. Sure. Knock them out. It's like that's the one thing, the yearn and craze. I mean, if you go to one of these events, you know, there's probably anywhere between

20 to 30 people in attendance, the front row, supermodels, every single tie. That's why they call it the splash zone. Wow. Well, I would love to give you this ring and I will do that right after this break. After this break. Pork, this is a great burden. Yes, indeed, it shall cure your gout, this magical ring that I am willing to gift to you. But no, that you will have an extra big toe on each foot. And then for air, you must bear that burden. Can I say something? Sorry, can I just pause? Yeah, sure, go ahead, pop it in.

As soon as he gets an extra big toe, um, isn't it just one big toe? Because there could only be one big toe, am I right? Ooh, good point. It's not, it's not like saying you're going to add, you know, two of the tallest people. One of the most challenging to be taller than the other. Thank you for clarifying that. I misspoke.

You will have a bigger toe. Thank you. And a bigger toe. And a bigger toe. And a bigger toe. An additional bigger toe. Correct. However big your biggest toe is right now.

Expect that new one to be much bigger. Much bigger. So like, it's comically large size or just like still the kind of thing that would fit in a basic shoe? Well, no, you should get it its own shoe. Get it, it's own shoe. It's gonna be novelty, yeah, novelty size. Yeah, you'll need four shoes every time you go out.

Oh, shoes specifically for this large. I mean, at that point, I don't want a quibble, but that's a foot. What you're giving me is a foot. You've been at that point, I don't want a quibble, but that's a foot. What you give me is a foot. You've been a pretty clear. No, it's a bigger toe. That's the size of a foot. Yeah, I gotta be honest.

I'm with four right now. If he has four feet and four shoes, he might as well be a fucking horse with the face in the cock to match, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but yeah. Got me. All right, putting this ring back on.

Also, if you're giving that ring, won't you have Gout? Well, yeah, that's the sort of generous person I am, honey. Wow, so selfless. Now, let me talk to one of these doctors about getting you a transfusion of blood. Ah, honey, you keep interviewing pork. You're doing a great job. We're so proud of you.

And you said, or you said, or we talked to the doctor with the funny name. Sorry, I can't get over how funny their name is. Dr. Butts? Yeah. All right. Pork, it seems like maybe you said there's going to solve all your problems possibly. But had you thought about what else

you would maybe do with your life if it wasn't competitive eating? Oh, boy. Kid, you stumbled onto something there. You know, as debilitated as having gout, is it does make you look forward? Like, what skills do I actually have? Yeah. I mean, I, we've talked pop culture.

I'd like to be a critic. You know, something I've always been a big fan of. I like, I don't like making things, but I like talking about what I dislike in things. Yeah. Do you ever talk about what you like or just dislike? What's mostly dislike, I think. It's more vulnerable to share what you do like.

But to be fair, I mean, there's no shame in how much I like the Cosby show. Like I said, like, uh, always and forever. Oh, yeah. I got that tattoo. Have you seen it? Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it.

I mean, I stand with Cosby. Wow, and it's not even one tattoo. It's a series of 24 tattoos of the opening credits of him sort of dancing with sweaters on. That is, it's, it starts at your neck and ends at your gout ridden foot. That is rough stuff. On your back, it looks like it says Cosby can do no wrong. And there's tattoos of trumpets and they say,

ba ba ba ba ba ba. Yeah, I mean, I grow it up in the Hollitzer family. There's a lot of the male figures, there's some toxic masculinity. So, just finally watching a TV show with that male role model is really powerful for me. I mean, it's been a lot of time in hotels and that's not all the time.

So, yeah, he's been, he's been out of the figure in my life. Can I say, just talking about dads, I don't know if you two saw this, but it looks like two people just got brought in on stretchers. Looks like they were in some sort of car accident. As you probably know, pork cars currently run on ice cream. But it looks like the older gentleman brought in

is the boy's father. He seems to be, seems to have passed away. But the boy seems to still be alive. Now, I heard one of the doctors say, that's my son, but that doesn't make sense, because the man brought in was seemingly his father. Did you guys see this? Is anyone seeing this?

I've seen a situation like that too many times if I'm being perfectly honest. What is going on? How can that possibly be the doctor's son? I don't understand. Charity, motor bank, fool. They won't allow us to do a transfusion for fun, they say. Could you tell them about the ramifications?

Well, I tried to explain it, but she won't listen to a word I'm saying. I mean, maybe technically should we go to a veterinarian? Office? Oh, good question. Yeah, so I think that's a good idea. Right after this, right after her, she gets out, we'll head to the veterinarian. Well, I talked to Dr. Butts and she was just... Ha ha ha ha ha!

She was not willing to listen to anything that she was saying. Whoa whoa whoa whoa! She? Yeah? The doctor was... His mother. Dr. Butts, yes, I was just talking to her, yes. Okay.

Honey, how did the interview go? I was gone Perfect great. Oh wonderful Pork we want to thank you for being a guest on our show you've been so wonderful to get to know and to learn about the world of competitive eating I wish you all the luck as you go forth in your life and and I hope that you find the true love that you deserve once we head to the veterinarian get a blood transfusion from a sketchy veterinarian and then you have a big horse face and big horse cock. Yeah great thanks for let me be on your radio show. Can I get a cassette of this afterwards? Oh there's only just one tape and it's it's mine.

Cut, cut, cut, cut. And pork, actually, we would be remiss if we didn't encourage your new endeavors. Would you like to take a moment to critique your interview? Oh, wow, that's nice of you to say. Yeah, I think you could have been more probing, kid. I thought there was a lack of specificity when it came to the food conversation.

Yeah. Makes sense. I agree. Yeah, I think you could bring some of your own story and narrative to the subject that you're interviewing. Yeah. Definitely is a way for them to open up. More scenes. Yeah.

And probably maybe, also, even though you didn't say much, maybe leave more space for the interesting stories. I'd like to know more about the logistics behind the horsecac thing. So outside of that, it was really great talking to you. And good luck with the middle school slash elementary school. Thanks for the notes. Oh, Yusunor, should we, uh, Yusunor, yeah, should we,

should we wipe this guy's memory? Oh, yeah. I've got a, I this guy's memory? Oh, uh, yeah. I've got a, I've got a kind of a memory fog over us. I'll never leave a place. People forget about us in about seven, eight minutes. Wait, well that includes me? Oh yeah. Little Arnie, as soon as we're gone, I'd say eight minutes tops.

You remember us. I'm so sorry to do that to you again. Uh, but it's just necessary for you to meet us in the time you're meant to meet us. I'm so sorry to do that to you again, but it's just necessary. For you to meet us in the time you're meant to meet us. And though, often, when air you dream, and think of a badger and a wizard in your dreams, know that we are kissing you lightly on the forehead and telling you how much we love you. We love you, buddy. We love you, aren't we?

So I won't remember any of this unless I listen to this tape, which I probably won't. And don't forget, when you get older, invest all your money in Ask Jeaves and Zoom. I'll check with Dr. Butts again and see if honing's ready to come out. All right, I see what you're doing.

And if he's ready, then we should probably go. How are you going to get back? Do you have to go back through my closet? Oh no, no, no, no, no. I'll just, uh, what will I do? I will reach out with my amazing wizard senses, and I shall track the podcast through space and time and we shall travel upon the waves that delight and amuse hundreds of people all over some of the states in the US. And then we shall ride those waves into the future.

Ooh. Okay. That sounds great. Actually, before we go, you start, can you magic me up like a stick in some marshmallows and graham cracker and chocolate? I'm gonna make a smore on pork's foot. Oh no need. I have all the smore sticks in right here in my hat. No need for magic this time. Pork, do you mind? Please use it. Use it to lose it. They told me

Please use it use it lose it they told me That's what I'm sorry pork. Yeah, it's a real bummer. Oh, it's already burnt 170 to get it hot. It's hotter than you. How do they think oh? Look it looks like they're wheeling me out in a wheelchair Hey guys, honey. Hey, you have wheels now. Hi, wait a second. Are you poor cowlitzer? Yeah. You know this guy? Yeah.

I mean, he was huge. I remember being a big fan of it in high school. Were you a fan of his competitive eating or his critiques? Of course, dick, yeah. Of course. He was part of the Jim Rose Circus. Oh, the what circus?

The Jim Rose Circus. You know about that kid? Adults? Adults, you know. Yeah, yeah, well, look. It's complicated. I'm from the future. Arnie, no.

Oh, sorry. Maybe I'm being a little too honest. I'm still the future. Arnie, no. Oh, sorry. Maybe I'm being a little too honest. I'm still on a few, I still on some drugs for my procedure, which I gotta say was not pleasant. Did they get that Valde's thing cleaned up? You gotta tell me. Do you have any insight into that? The poor bad.

Yeah, and I'm not as well as good as it should have been, probably. I guess the only positive thing I can say is that there are much worse things later on that put it all into perspective. Oh, okay, well, thanks. Quick pork, I'd like to shake your hand. Put it there, put it there, guy.

I'm going to do a magical transfusion of my blood. Shh, don't tell you what. Right through my a magical transfusion of my blood. Shh. Don't tell you what Right through my hand you're getting my blood right now and I'm getting yours Weird does anyone else hear the sound of denim ripping? What is that? Well, I work here is done. I Any quickly with us little ony. It's always been a pleasure. Good luck getting home. Pork, can you drive awne home? Here.

Sounds like he has to meet. Well, no, he has to stop twice for yes. Can you stop twice? With your foot, please. Don't, why did he clap? Already look away. Little learning, he's learning. Very well, everyone with me.

So wait, you said, where, how are we getting back? We are going to ride the waves of the podcast through space and time. Think with me, think of the title of the show. Hello from the Magic Tab. Hello from the Magic Tab. Hello from the Magic Tab. We click podcast from the Magic Tab. Hello from the Magic Tab.

We're right in the wings of the South. We need to speak. I'm sure this will work perfectly and nothing that will happen this time. Come on! Okay, if you'll bear with me, I'm processing a lot. Normally, at least there's some device shooting people across dimensions, but it seems like user-dorgeous revealed that he can do it whenever he wants to. It's the end of the Wizard of Oz all over again. Oh, those shoes? Yeah, they can teleport you anywhere. Didn't I mention?

Ugggh! Well, according to these readings, they're not in FUN. They wrote a harmonic parallel wave to the podcast transmission frequency into a world where... Hello from the Magic Tavern is incredibly popular? It's like they say there's a universe for everyone. Oh, this is bad. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the talking badger was played by Adolfi.

Pork Howitzer was played by special guest Jordan Klepper. Just a few multiverses over Jordan is hosting the Daily Show, but here in this one you can follow Jordan on Twitter at Jordan Klepper to hear about live appearances and to see him retweet videos of himself occasionally on the daily show. Pointing out flaws in the logic of Trump rallygoers, because when the Fisher in the barrel, it's easier to sh- never mind. Hello from the Magic Taven is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tvern Patreon. Supporters like Taylor Allison, Inger Foe, Maxwell Phillips, Alexander Samuels, Sigurd the Emerald,

Do we have an Infinity Stone listening to our podcast? Okay, Noxy, starting from Idaho, Aaron K, Tristan Welman, Sansaureli, Jessica Watkins, not the astronaut. How do you know Jessica? You don't know what tomorrow may bring. Justin Welman, Sans Orelly, Jessica Watkins, not the astronaut. How do you know Jessica? You don't know what tomorrow may bring. You know how many times I've wound up in space with no advance warning? Not zero. Micah, Nick Knokey, Isis, and Ross Fisher.

Get ready for space, Jessica, presumptuous. Patrons get ad-free episodes. The entire back catalogue, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, Bid lists, with Arnie, Matt, and Adel. Um, I don't want to think too hard about this. I'm going to say Joe Pesny movies. Okay. Matt, you get a bid first. Oh, I can name four Joe Pesny movies.

Did you hear that little Yus said, or in what majesty? Oh, yeah, I did. Oh no, they're ever growing closer. How dare you? You can name four Joe Pesci movies. I can name seven Joe Pesci movies. Oh, I can do eight. I can do eight.

I can do 10 Joe Pesci movies. I'm going to be going for it all yours all around. Hey, you have to say fuck you. Fuck you, aren't you? Do all 10. All right. Home alone, home alone to loss in New York. My cousin Vinnie, the Irishman, have you told that I have skipped to the present day so fast so that I'm in real trouble already? Was he in home one too? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Sadly not any of the ones after that. So that's four.

Gone Fishing, I believe it's called. Oh man, that was gonna be my use in the whole. There's no confusing that gone fishing. There's no confusing that. Come on. Okay, my food. Thanks for everything Julie Neumann. I think it's called something like that. To hear the rest, and I guess find out if Arnie can name enough Joe Pesci movies, are we calling that a call to action? And to learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnieindy Camp, Matt Young, and Adolf Refy. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Sage GC. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard Leban, special 1989 theme by Andy Poland. by Andy Poland. You painted this into a corner. Can we get some fan art on that foot, just a cheek on a foot? Can we get some of these? I mean, I want some hot fan art on that. Yes, you know what? And in fact, we're recording right now, so we'll just clip that and put it at the end of the credits. Special request.