Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 83 - Selkie

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

A selkie asks for help killing the man that stole her skin.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiDearbhla O'Roan: Bri FitzpatrickMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is my voice. It can tell you a lot about me, and I'm not changing it for anyone. In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, you'll find a collection of NPR episodes centered on the Black experience. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths, wherever you get podcasts. What does it mean to be black in America? An NPR's Black Stories Black Truths, a collection of stories that's very nuanced and dynamic as black experiences, you'll hear. It means everything. Search NPR Black Stories Black Truths wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, when it comes to podcast framing devices, what can I say? People trust me. They hear my context-setting dulcet dialogue, living there in that sweet spot between

insect tile and the lady who hosted the weakest link. And they say to themselves, now that guy, he's telling it to me plain. So, believe me when I say the following podcast is not real. Stop that parallel dimension research. No need to listen to government hearings about alien life. You'll sleep better. Trust me. Now, who's ready to do nothing and passively absorb entertainment and treat it like an activity?

Great. Enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnaud Nekamp, the greatest warrior in all of fun. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know, wait, hold on, hold on, use the door. I've been saying that for months, and just suddenly now you're upset that I'm the greatest warrior in all of Fune.

I don't think you've ever said it in introduction before, or later on, I have a chance to refute it. Do you not pay attention to the introduction of this show? Why would I? Use the door here, look, look, make eye contact with me because this is very important just in case you don't know any of this stuff several years ago I fell through a dimensional portal line to Burger King in Chicago into the

magical fantastical land of fume that's here well wonderful luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King sorry I'm getting a wife doesn't make any of my adventure. I don't know if it's any of my adventure. I haven't seen this every episode. You know, okay, really? It'd be tough for me. I'm gonna try to make eye contact with both of you and why I say this part.

Okay. Luckily, you do gonna blow your fucking minds. I am still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast. That's what we're recording right now. Right. From the tavern through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, that's what we're recording right now. Right. From the tavern, the strange familiar

in the town of Nibblebottom at the base of the innemable mountain in the magical land of Foon. If you say so. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Jonathan talking Badger. Get what? Get what?

Oh, what the what? What the what? What the what? And get wet. And get wet to you as well. Thank you so much. Arnie, I don't know if you've noticed my new hat today. I put on an idea hat. It is a live crab.

But last night I had a wonderful idea. Does that hurt? It's pinching you a lot. Uh, immensely. Hmm. But you don't hear me complaining about it. But it gets the idea's flowing. Yes, it does. It gets the blood flowing. I don't know if complaining about it. But it gets the idea of flowing. Yes, it does. It gets the blood flowing.

I don't know if you've noticed, I'm mostly nocturnal. Well, a lot of badgers are. Sure. And I was thinking, you know, I don't know exactly when the strange familiar kind of shuts down each night, but I was thinking of starting my own bar for all the night owls out there. Huh?

Okay. So you're way hold on. You've got this radical idea. Yeah of a bar It's open at night. Yeah Yes, but for all the night owls and by night owls I mean the literal night owls the owls who are nights or as we call them in food hootsuits And also just anyone who is more nocturnal than Than is the norm what What if these hood suits just get out of control?

Like a riot? Yeah, the hood suit riot. Yeah, I'm sure there's more to that, but I forgot to lie for a minute. Well, that's the bait question. Yeah. Yeah, well, don't worry about it. Just throw back this bottle of beer.

You know, sunny isn't very nocturnal. What sunny? Sunny the badger. And sunny is a badger, I know. You know, Sunny isn't very nocturnal. What? Sunny? Sunny the Badger? And Sunny is... What? A Badger, I know? You know... Sorry, I'm...

I'm... Sorry, let me take off this crap. I'm having a hard time hearing you. Yeah. You know another Badger and you didn't think to tell me? No, yeah. Sunny the Badger, you don't know Sunny. Are they...

Are they cool? Yeah, Sunny's cool, she's cool. Oh, how, how, how, sorry, your crap... Your crap is coming after me. Yeah, Arnie, don't, I don't need to hear about this. Oh, oh, oh, she's cool. Oh, how sorry, your crab is coming after me. I don't need to hear about this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,, very funny, very charming. Really a lot of fun to spend an evening with. Ernie, I'm gonna ask you this one time. Am I in danger of losing my job? Are you bringing in another badger?

Always, always. But it's not gonna happen. Look, we've held so many secret auditions and they just for whatever reason, against all logic, no one works better than you. Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. This crab has given me an incredible idea.

No one's ever said that. Restaurants that serve breakfast. What the what? Honey, I think many restaurants already serve breakfast. In the morning though. Generally. Some's wrong with the crab. The wizard's at that before.

I am also joined by my other co-host, Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfth Real, Muffezeus Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of trotus, the ills nobius fiannialic, the dwarves nobius zoan in an oak the Dwarves Nobius Zodyn and Oaks Stenges,

and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmianius Mastar, and there may be other secret names, names of such great power that if I did ever utter one allowed, most assuredly, your nose hairs would grow into your eyeballs. Fuck me. You know I saw a really cute bunny the other day and I don't know if it's like bunnies in general or just cute creatures but they knew you as... Ooooooo, Sidor? Ooooooo, Sidor?

What was that again? Ooooooo, Sidor? Yeah some of the you know the sort of like fun, playful forest creatures. No, me is, oh, whoa, Sidoha, because, you know, sometimes, well, you know, there have been times in my life where I've been down on my luck. And I wanted to go to a mall and I didn't have, I was covered in rags, obviously, like I usually am. And then all the fourth-create forestry just came and they made me a beautiful gown. Oh, wow. I did see you once, um, one time when I was staying over at your place, you said, I remember you opened up a window in the morning, you gave a big stretch,

and you sang a song, and you put your finger out the window, and I thought like a bird would land on your finger, and a great big grizzly bear just chunked right down on that hand. It was the most surprising horrific thing I've ever seen. Yes, I started screaming. You eventually fought off the bear, but it was it was pretty impressive. That was dad. I owed him money. So, Arnie, would you like to invest in a night hour bar? How? My money is gonna go into this breakfast restaurant. I could.

It could be a night night bar and morning restaurant. So maybe we're open late evening until early morning and that's it, like 10 p.m. Yeah, 10 p.m. to 10 a.m. Those are our hours. Also to keep my job here and be a good host, I'm sweet now. From now on, I'm sweet. You're sweet?

Oh, you're sweet? Yes, I am handsome. Well, I'm sunny is sweet, but she's also a little salty Like sometimes the thing she says are sort of like naughty and you go, oh, that's delightful Fucking shit What do you talk about the guy? I love you little I was about to go get something at the bar. Oh, let me grab it Would you like a dollop of whipped cream in your mouth? Yep I was about to go get something at the bar. Oh, let me grab it.

Would you like a dollop of whipped cream in your mouth? Yep. That's out. Oh. Thank you. I was about to go to the bar myself though. And I noticed this one kind of staring at us. Yeah.

Is that egotistical for me to say that? No, because it's probably staring at me because I'm the greatest warrior in all of them. All right. You guys are paranoid. No, they're definitely staring. They are staring. You know, you're both right.

Don't look, but look over there. Don't look, but look over there. Oh, you who? Sorry, guys, I'm sweet now. You who come over here. Hey, come on over. Join us. Yeah, you. Hello.

Hello. Hi. I'm sorry. I've never been addressed as a you or a who. Oh. Um, are you speaking to me? Oh, um. Are you speaking to me? Yes, we were addressing you. Please forgive us. Uh, we did not mean to be rude, but we noticed you looking over here.

My name is Yusudor. This is my friend, Arnie, the greatest warrior in food. But yeah, I'm also from another world. And this is my friend, Shunt. Who's there? I may have been up beyond the episodes. Moving forward. Right. Yes, I've...

You've heard of the three of you. Oh, thank you. Big fan, I'd love to meet a fan. I don't know if I would say that, but I have heard that you're the fighter, right? You're the warrior. I am currently the greatest warrior in all of them. Until I guess I'm killed, I guess I haven't really thought about that part. Think about that.

Right, and you're quite good with magic, yes. Thank you so much, I am. Well, you have been calm. Oh, sorry, him, yes, that makes sense. The one with a big hat. Yes, I have more of the greatest wizard to his heir, Liv. Right, and you seem to be a badger. Waring a crab is that?

Oh, are you doing anything with that? Not at the moment, did you want it? Yeah, could I use it? Oh, um, oh, this is really hungry. This is weird crossroads. To be sweet to the crab, I should protect it, but to be sweetened to our guest, I should let... Yeah, go ahead.

Thank you so much. Yeah. Mm, it's a good one. Thank you. Oh, she's crunched into that thing. Wow. How did you duck? How did you bite through that?

With my teeth. Well, ask to do the best. Do you not eat crabs or something? We don't generally, they're prepared before they are consumed. You just eat a live crab, but very impressive. I'm very impressed. Oh, great, okay. All right, that both well.

Right, I've never really asked anyone for a favor before, so I don't really know how you all go about doing these sorts of things. Are you in danger? Do you need us to join you on some great quest to overcome evil? For we shall join you, for it is our sworn duty as the greatest wizard and the greatest warrior and all of whom to do so. Plus Trump will come. I... I heard two questions in there, and the answers are no and yes. I don't remember what I said. Yeah, none of us. The rest of us were paying attention.

Oh, I'm just, I'm not in danger. I'm actually fine now. Oh, good. But I do have a great debt to repay. I guess you could say, I'm sorry. can we just take one minute to celebrate guys? She's not in danger anymore, we did it. We did it. Success, yes. Woo, we're back baby. You're bringing your brams to the greatest warrior

in all of fun and you're not gonna be in danger anymore. Well, no, that happened like six months ago before I even heard of you. So. Oh, okay. Guys, I hate to say when this would come someday. A fan is coming asking for money. I... No... I've no need for it.

Oh! I mostly subside on the riches of the sea. Oh, the hatches of the sea. Yeah, like this crab. Again, delicious. Thanks very much. So you're from a fishing town or something where they... I'm from the sea. You're a... where they... Um, I'm from the sea. You're a human person who's from the sea.

Um, again, incorrect. I'm from the sea, but... No, I think I get it. Oh, it's a riddle. I get it. Like, where I'm from in Chicago. Some people will be like, I'm from Chicago, but they're really probably from like, Skokie or something.

Like, it's like a suburb. Um. You're like a... You look close to the sea, but it's easier probably from like, Skokie or something like it's like a suburb. You're like a, you look close to the sea, but it's easier to say, I'm from the sea. No, I don't know. Skokie sounds like a horrible place. Well, I didn't say it, but I didn't say you're wrong. Listen, is this like a 20 questions thing? Do you want to just keep guessing or like?

Yeah, it sounds fun like Yeah, it sounds fun Yeah, it sounds fun Okay, fine, I guess I'm the one asking for a favor, go ahead Okay, so what do we know? You know, she lives by the sea No, sorry, she's from the sea She's from the sea, possibly me Is it the letter C? No, I don't use written language in the sea

Does it mean you're from the sky? No, I see off the sish. Are you like a weird mermaid? Oh come on now if you compare me with one of those I'm gonna get mad. No, please don't get mad. We don't want to offend you anyway. Okay sorry sorry no I'm sorry I shouldn't have gotten all of the things. Riled up like that. It's just, um, my roommates are half of one thing, half of another. They're basically the worst of both worlds, where I'm the best. Oh, opinionated. Interesting.

Um, well, why don't you tell us what you are, and we can... Okay, we're done. We're done with the stupid game now. Well, I can't promise that. But... I'm sorry. I keep putting my foot in my mouth. We're done with the stupid game now. Well, I can't promise that, but... I'm sorry, I keep putting my foot in my mouth. I'm not very good at beating around the bush. I've never really known a need for white lies or flattery before.

Oh, well, there's no need for it here either. There's no need to stand on ceremony. Tell us who you are. Tell us what you need and we shall assist. I'm a silky. I'm a sealed person. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I literally do live in the sea because I'm a seal. Except for when I'm a person. I see. Interesting. Don't mind us. We all just drop something under the table. We'll be right back.

Okay. I don't think I dropped anything. John, you keep fucking dropping stuff, man. So sorry about that. Anyway, back to the interview. What did I drop? I don't see anything. John, what did I drop? This conversation. What should we call you? Selkie, do you have a proper name? When I'm with humans or whatever y'all are, you can call me Derbla. Derbla. Derbla. Derbla.

Derbla. Derbla. Yeah, that's what I go by on land. What do you go by in the sea? It's rather hard to say with these vocal cords, but I go I sound like or or That's not a shit at all. It's actually offensive. I'm very sorry. I'm so sorry Now wait you're still being offensive because I feel like you're trying you're trying to speak like me and No, I'm trying to speak like me and

No, I'm trying to do it very well. Yeah, I'm sweet now. It's just a little lute. Um, can you try and mimic how exactly I should say your name? I just prefer you didn't. Oh, wait, which one? The seal one or the one on land? Well, I called you, uh, you, I called you who you called me out on both. I called you the other human name. You didn't like that. I called you your seal name, you hated that. So I'm just not sure, it should I just point

because I, I for pointing is rude. You can just hand me a crab anytime that you want to talk to me, does that work? Yeah, I think so. Let me grab some more crabs from my bucket in the back. And what do we take a quick break while I do that? And we'll be right back with me. Just get the crabs.

So, Derbla, I have to confess, I'm from another world, like I said. Okay. I'm not entirely familiar with silkies and how they work. So you're a seal when you're in the water and you're a human when you're not in the water? Sure, yeah, like I said, I'm basically the best of both. It's pretty great. I can live as a seal as I do most of the time with my other seal kin in the water, enjoying the riches of the sea. And then when I feel like I want to get a drink or just enjoy some land pleasures, then I take off my seal skin. I can basically just, I don't know,

like you would that odd t-shirt that you have on, take it off, and then I'm, as you see me now, although not wrapped in as much burlap, of course. I thought I'd, I don't know, people seem to get really weird when I don't cover myself in fabric and human form. So people are crazy about beauty here. And I was born in the world completely nude

as an elderly gentleman and quite upsetting to some people. Same girl saying, people be perverts. This is what we see here in food. Right, exactly. So you can just take off your skin whenever you want to be part of our world I What did I tell you about awaiting me with a mermaid? Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh, sorry. No, you're you're you're sort of a seal at times

So we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy. Yeah Yeah Yeah, it's just I That's what it is. Yeah, it's just sorry for the warrior man from the other world. Sorry, I actually didn't learn any of your names. Oh, I'm sorry. I will say a lot of times, humanoid men all kind of look the same to me. Sure. Sure. We look the same to me. Sure. I-I-we look very different, obviously.

We are just... If you look at Arnie, he's a man with dark hair and a beard. And obviously the two of us look nothing like that. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, one of you's a badger. Chant is a little badger. Yeah, I mean, very sweet little badger.

I'm sweet now. Not a sweetest sonny. And I, obviously, am a wizard, a wizard old man, an in-stature and feature. But capable of great feats of magic whenever called upon. Right, but physically you look the same as the other human guy.

Sure, I bet. My guess. If it helps you keep us apart, some people around here who refer to me as beautiful Arnold. Okay, who? People. I'd also like to ask the same question. I actually, yeah, I've never heard that when I did. You know, I was living in these parts for 10 years, so.

Oh, oh, 10 years. Yeah, I was unable to go back to the sea, actually, it was some not ideal. Not the situation I wanted to be in. I guess you don't know man number one, but... Number one. When Selkie has her seal skin stolen, God is problematic terminology,

but she basically belongs to that person. He stole inner skin. No, he didn't. Did someone steal your skin or is this like a metaphor of like, you have a pimples? A elaboration on that metaphor more? Why didn't know, you know, when I was younger, I would have a lot of blemishes on my face. Wrong choice of words, when I was younger, I would have a lot of pimples on my face and I would be like you know Instead of being like oh, I have zits. I have pimples. I just be like ah my skin is not my own or Someone took my skin if that makes sense

It barely does. I'm yeah, honestly your friend must have been terrified. No, I mean literally somebody took my seal skin I told you I can take it off Oh, right, I hide it when I go on land But then it was stolen and then I belonged this little Just weener of man For ten years he made me marry him and With him and well, I have children with him as well. Yeah. I know. It's awful We don't get any say in it once he's got my skin.

So, let me understand. This terrible person has forced you into this relationship. And now, you're still wearing burlap? No, no. See, I had three children with him. And the youngest was definitely the coolest. We named her Quiva. And when she kind of became old enough to understand what was happening, like convinced her to show her,

show me where her father had hidden my skin. So I got back and then I was able to abandon them and go back to the sea. I got to know. I got back and then I was able to abandon them and go back to the sea. I got to know. I got to know. In front of a fireplace, is there a road? Can we?

Oh, I have to see if we can. Making it into pants? No, that wouldn't be very well hidden, would it? I would have spotted it right away. That would be terrible if you talk to someone and you're showing you where it is. And they just like point down. Right, no, I'm actually not an idiot.

No, I'm just saying people usually hide and clean. No, not like I really can't do anything. I don't know what kind of a life you've lived, but it's not one I relate to at all. Sure, no, of course. I am so sorry. That reminds me, Shen used to do it. You stole my polo shirt and you haven't been able to find it for four or five days. Oh my gosh, you belong to them now.

It's been the tablecloth for a while for quite some time and now you're ours. Thank goodness you got it back girls. You're gonna have to have chances with them. These pink really just blends in. It's hard to see. See it wasn't that simple for me. Fanartists feel free to draw, uh, Ani and Shunton-I's children. Yes, please. You found your skin sort of so, I guess you don't have to have children. Do you just want to? Is that it?

You want to have children together? Not alone. Okay. I'm glad, like, it's up to you and you have free will about it. That sounds really nice. So I'm sorry if I'm repeating a lot of stuff here. I'm just making sure I'm getting all the details correct. Now it's fine. You're all lit slow. It's okay.

You take off your seal skin and hide it, but someone finds it, and they force you to marry them. Yep. You have three children, the young of which is named Kweeva. Kweeva. Kweeva. Pronounced the bee. It's a hard bee. Yeah, how do you spell that? What did anybody like to take a guess?

In fact, I'll let you have half this crab if you can guess right. I don't even want to say it. I think that's why it's... I think that's why it's... I actually think that's one of the wisest things you've said since we started this conversation. Besides getting the other crabs, you are sound for that. You want another crab that we've got a whole case of the game?

Coming. All right, I'll just spell it for you because it's gonna take you all night and we've got other things to do. It's C-A-O-I-M-H-E, obviously. Obviously. I'm not a guest at all. A queen of other.

Their traditional girl's name, queen of other. I'm having a spell, Dürmble. Um, D-E-A-R-B-H-L-A, of course. traditional girls name Quibble. I'm having a spell Dürmbleh. D-E-A-R-B-H-L-A, of course. And I've been having just some issues this week. Would you happen to know how to solve a problem like Maria? I mean, I know how to catch a wave on a sand. I'm a seal. Yes, of course. Well, we'll talk later. So you got your skin back, and so then you got away at it, it seems, right? Yeah, exactly.

Then I was able to return to the sea, basically. Guys, just give us one second here. We did it! Guys, we did it! No! We did it! That's all, that's all. That's success.

How do you have to cloud and pin it down? I'm so glad I told you I had to spell my daughter's name. I just need your help now. Oh. Killing the man who imprisoned me. Okay. Oh, the short short man? Yeah.

He was tiny. I mean, he sounds awful, so I'm in. What about the two of you? Ernie, I have to check with you. Are we killing now? That's something we'll do it. Hey, that's a good question. Generally speaking I don't I mean generally for a while it was no killing all our spider-man

Still never met him. Yeah, but is he like he can wear like spider skin and then take it off become a man sort of Be nice sort of Okay, he sounds he sounds great. Yeah, I guess is the greatest hero in all of Foon. Well, well, my friend's warrior. Sorry. Easy, easy big guy. Yeah, I'd heard you just rough people up. Just need your help with that.

Just hold him down. Honestly, if you could just hold him down, I just, fair as fair. I'm gonna take his skin. Oh, that I can do. That I can agree to. If I'm not killing, that's cool. Is he some kind of magical creature that can survive without a skin?

No, he's just... oh, no. Oh, no. Not in my knowledge. I'm just asking for a friend, but if you're taking his skin, who's getting the bones? Um, you're ready to come to them? Uh, it's for a friend. Oh, okay, your friend is ready to come to them. Excellent. Oh, I'm going to is red come to them. Excellent.

Oh, I'm going to get cock something terrible with those bows. And I don't know if it's permissible, your majesty, or I don't know what to call you with that crap. Just give me the crap. Here you go. Stay here. Still as a help when addressing you, the action of handing you something does it help with. It does when you push it in my hand, I know you're talking to me.

There you go. I don't know if it's been claimed yet, but is it okay when I hold down the short short man? Can I whisper in his ear, I'm bringing Selky back? Just to kind of let him know who's this for? Listen, it shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I've always been told, even though I've never been given a horse. Would you like one? Really?

Yes, I love one. I love to serve. Erath Chalakala, ala Ha, tada tha. It's a small horse that fits on top of the table, but it's all yours. Oh, it's cute. It's cute. Would you like it to have a top out? It's a class.

Bing! Do I get to name it? Oh, you're a yes. Name it whatever you like. All right, name it. You'll have to be able to spell it. OK, I'm going to name it? Oh, you're being a snabber, whatever you like. Alright, you're gonna name it. Oh. You'll have to be able to spell it. Okay, I'm gonna name it Gobnett. How is that spell?

That would be G-H-O-U-B-H-N-A-U-G-H-H-T. Oh, it's just like it sounds. Gobnett. It's truly the most beautiful name I could think of. Mm-hmm. Well, thank you. Honestly, though, that's a real cherry on top. It's not actually the favor that I need.

I do need your help with scanning my ex-husband. Look, I'm 100% in. I'm going to convince Arnie and Chant to do it. But I think we just need a quick break Why can't it's them and when we come back? I'm sure they'll be ready to partake in this justified murder Okay, during the break we found out out where this man lives and we are outside of his home right now.

But to be clear, I have not yet officially agreed to participate in this murder, even though this seems like a bad, bad man. There's no question. And we should say, Arnie, you said this man, as the Hans hands crab said, a lot of men look the same. So we should have a quantifier. This is the short short, this is the short short man. This is not one of our homes. It is the short short man's home.

Also, are we, are we dead set on skinny? Could we fleece him? You mean like take the tiny little hairs off his body? Oh, actually, yeah. I thought she meant like the fleece off a sheep. Oh, do I still get the bones? For my friend. No matter what, I'm taking this man's skin.

So whatever else happens with the rest of his flesh and blood and body happens. Love skin for the skin. Yeah, and you can have the fleece, little badger man. Thank you. Arnie, for all we know, this gentleman, who may or may not even be human, doesn't even need a skin, maybe doesn't like skin, so it might not even be a murder.

We'll have to take the skin off and find out. Hey, hands you a crab. Are you going to do anything specific with the skin, or are you going to hide it from him? I just think it's only fair that I get to keep it. Yeah. And I'd also, I'd really like to just say hello to my children real quick.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So it's a bit of a toof-for. You said your youngest got to an age where she could help you and wanted to help you. So you must have a good relationship with your children despite the sort of dire circumstances under which they were conceived.

Yeah, I mean, it's complicated. Sure. You know, it's the were born, not of my own free will. Sure. So I kind of always had a little bit of resentment, especially for the first one. Yeah, of course. Then, you know, after that,

I started to slowly birth by birth, realized it wasn't really their fault. At the same time, though, the eldest and the middle one never showed me my skin. So I do kind of hold that against them still. They did kind of get that as wholeery from their father, you know? Yeah. Poregan, Africa. Where it's a bit of a strange relationship, but I figure I should at least let the no one's life.

I'm so sorry, Hands You A Crab. Did you, did you just do a spell? What did you say? Paul's like an average story of my motherhood journey. No, and that was beautiful and touching and sad and everything. But at the very end, you said two words that sounded like some sort of... Are my children's names? Oh, sorry. Again, very common, poor egg and afric. Did you say oblik and asterix?

I'd rather you not even attend. That's fair, I won't. It's my fault for trying. Podcast and asterisk. Yeah. No, I won't. It's my fault for trying. Podcast and Astrid's, yeah. No, but you're welcome to name your children that. I will. If Arnie and I have a kid, we're gonna name it podcast. Good.

Sorry, if Arnie, you, Sir and I have a kid. Thank you, Magic, the three of us. We will name it podcast. I hope you do, that's a ridiculous name and I have no idea how to spell it. Podcast Need Camp. Hey, Podcast Need Camp, I love this. We're doing it, guys. We're doing it.

Guys, we're doing it. Why does it get on his last name? Podcast Neek Camp, the blue. Oh, look, I'm the only one with a last name. Oh, yeah. But then what about my identity? Chodcast Neek Camp, the blue. Of course, CH being my family name. Don't you, one day, want to be able to save a little podcast? I avenged a very, very bad thing. I made it right. I am good at justice. Yeah. Look, I believe this person should be brought to justice, especially if, and I want to confirm this,

that they knowingly stole your skin, and that's not a thing where they like found some skin, put it in some way. No, absolutely. It's a different thing. There are clopes that go out looking for silky skin. Yeah, barcule. Because it says like in silky. Yeah, they call themselves themselves like in selkeys and

They're horrible That's just what I heard I had to hear about it for 10 years Um, and yeah, they know they know that we're like we're very alluring. I think it's something to do with how sexy my name is and There's just a lot of Maybe if you said it right, it would sound like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, it's you a crap, you're a crap. Thanks for the crap. I won't be told what to do.

Yeah, of course, no. Just, yeah, just so you know, this was 100% with his knowledge and he willingly and forcefully took my skin. All right. It's getting there and do some skinning. Arnie, what have we just... Finally.

What if we just take some of the skin, like circumcise him? I'm not gonna detail work. You are the greatest warrior in food. This is the kind of stuff you signed up for, man. You've got to write the wrongs. Okay, maybe that was a bad idea, but let's... I don't think we have to kill him. I think we just, you know, right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there.

You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there.

You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there.

You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got him right there. You got of you don't have the stomach for this. I'd like you to wait outside and watch through the window as I skin this man. Watching you for a second. What about these kids? That's the other thing. They'll be fine. In fact, it's probably good for them. In someone there? In someone at the door? Oh shit. All right. Get down the stairs, of course. My legs are too little for the stairs, so I have a slide. I hear the little Wiener coming.

Is that him? Is that the one? Yes. Did you hear just how pathetic he sounds? Yeah, that's a real Wiener voice if I've ever heard one. No Wiener of a man. Okay, let me check the people. I'd go grab a snack of books. Grab a stack of books.

Grab a chair of the books. Put a pillow of a chair of the sack of the books. I have to get full outta here. I don't know where's crime of all. He's the humanologizes. Everything he's doing. All right, I know where the hide key is. I'm coming in.

Come enough to look at the people. Let me go back. Hello darling! Oh! Stand down there sir! I am the great wizard, Yusodore, and I have come to help this silky exactor revenge! I shall magically bind thee to the ground! Oh good! Oh!

Yeah, that's what I needed, alright! Get it a maggot! What'd you have to say for yourself? Not the winner, please, not the winner! It'll say for yourself not the winner please back the winner It'll be everything including the winner Does that make it better or worse mother what's happening? Oh Quiva oh no already look the kids are coming down. I'm glad we didn't go in there. Oh Hi, how's it going? Oh, it's so good to see you mother. Can we perhaps hang out with you and Puffer while?

Um, yeah, I mean hang out, but I'm not sure there's gonna be much more time to hang out with your father. I-I don't know if they should stay or not. Perhaps send the children back upstairs. I truly don't understand what the problem is. They already know what a horrible fucked-up situation they were born into. So... Yes, but kids hate me. They all hate me. Well... Oh, yeah. We don't like pop very much. You've been hoping that someone would come along and get in for a while now. John, are you sure that these are her kids because their accents are not very convincing?

Yeah, I can't tell if the kids are being offensive. Parick, yeah. Listen, you... You don't have to explain your little mishmash accent to anyone, alright? Your half-selky, half-weener, and that's what it is. Thank you, ma. I'm doing my best. Porek, where are you talking to hold on now? Who's at that horror park? Oh, Africa?

Oh, I said it's me! Oh! Yeah! How did they come to let me slide that aside? I didn't. I never heard it till now, but Afrik's way more offensive than I am. No, it's just how it's born with small stones. All right, you were born an offense, okay? That's not your fault.

Oh, my mother, who are these strangers? Are they after me? You're looking charms. I know. You can fly away. No, your chubby little charms will be just fine. I'm sorry. Quiva, she collects these tiny little seashells. So I'm sure. Yeah, and she always thinks that they're more valuable

than they are. No, they've come here to help me kill your father. Look, look children, play with your mother's tiny horse with a top hat on. Oh, yes! Her name is Gopnett. Oh, I love her, I love her so much. Last night I heard her call.

Look at me, Gopnett. Nice. I think that'll do with that'll buy their affection for a little bit. John, are we cowards for staying out here and not getting involved in this? I mean it feels like really morally complicated so but it's not making it any better that we're just standing here and not doing anything. More popcorn. Here then take off his skin. Alright I got this abalone noise and I will be starting a little wiener

off your toes starting from the ground up here we go alright what this is incredible as she pulls back the skin underneath he's a seal what yes I'm an oasis I've tried to tell you I'm an oasis what an oasis no you said you're an inzelky. Well, that too, but I'm a seal and I

Can put on the skin of a human man and then I will hide the human man skin Let me just say you in reverse. Right. All right. Well, I got I got your skin now and what you did was still wrong Yeah, absolutely. Let's get that clear right now 100% like honestly I suck so wait though But I have a rule now to see is he forced to marry you? Well, I think I just get say over anything he does Okay, well, I mean, that seems like, turned about as fair play at least, I...

Yeah, I did really want to see him suffer and pain. But, I guess this is all right. I just... I mean, did you... understand how awful it was, what you were doing to me? Yes, yes. I'm terrible. I'm a terrible person, please. Why are you suddenly aware of it? Did you finally go to therapy like I kept asking you to? Yes, I did. Our youngest child, the coolest of them all, tricks me to go to therapy. Say her name.

Oh, sorry, my s feel tongue. I know. But you were tough. I know, God, I wish I didn't have actually sympathy for you right now, but I do. I do kind of agree that the youngest one, the one said, Udiligame, she got is my favorite. Where did her go? Arnie's inside now.

What the fuck? I'm sorry, is everyone okay? It's okay. Come in. Everyone can just be privy to us airing our dirty laundry, I suppose. Could I just say I wasn't trying to make you have sympathy for me? Please, I'm not trying to be sympathetic.

I'm awful. No, I just want to acknowledge that. It's not really the worst. It's just the fact. It's the fact that you are going to therapy now. Yeah. The fact that like, we do have these three children. Look, I have to say this is not my problem to solve,

but this is also just partly out of curiosity. What if you try and cut off this skin? Like, I just want to know what's under there. The seal skin? Yeah. It could be a double bluff. I still need that phone. You're, you're suddenly quite sick and twisted. I just think I like it.

Tell me. You said, or? Well, I just did a... We never know what might be underneath this. You know, he makes a good point. That's all I mean. Right, I didn't even think he wanted to participate. And now he's like coming up with gross idea.

I'm sorry. I know I'm a little squeamish but I'm a fan of heightening. Let's do it. Alright, this time, this time I'm starting with the face. Starting at your little, it's adorable, you're seeing a face but I'm starting with it. All right, peel it off. Oh, ah! Ah! Oh!

What, what, what, what? He's a, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, We can't stop now cut open the puffins right? Wait, how do you do it like separately or somehow all together? The top one. It's gotta be the top one. Get back to the top. Okay, I'll start the belly of the top one. Alright. There we go. Oh, so feathery.

Oh my goodness. Wait, it's a very cute badger. It's sunny. It's sunny. How dare you. How dare you! How dare you! How dare you!

Sorry! And we were gonna make you co-host. I'm sorry, do you know this Badger? I thought I did. Well, well, well, well, well. I guess everybody's doubly. What do I do? I, wow.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't even know what I lived through 10 years of. How, how were children even conceived? Well, Foon is a magical and wonderful place. Do. Yeah, okay. Sorry, sweeping these skins under the rug, what were you saying? It just, I really feel like, I mean, this is just an extension of everything I've been through.

I feel like nothing will ever make sense. It's a confusing ending, certainly, to this, the part of your journey, but I'm... What did you say you wanted the bones of this badger? Because I'll get them for you. Yeah, I'll still use those bones for sure. Okay, great. I'll just hear... Mmm, I'm pretty good at just kind of... Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, whoa. Into the carcass. Mm, very good. Thank you. Still don't know if that's the father of my children. Mm. I think, I think we're probably good on that front. Oh, Quiva, what do you think?

Was that your father? Oh, that man is to... I... I don't... I don't speak like you at all anymore. I don't know what happened. Well, perhaps some sort of a... Spare was broken when I... I guess you killed all those animals in successive scales. All that I know is you're my mother. I love you.

Oh, I think I know the problem. Um, she's looking at the man in the mirror. Oh. Which is icy. She's upset because she's seeing her father skin in them. Oh, that's she's just traumatized I see that's it. I'm so sorry. I mean, I mean we're all traumatized That's life. Arnie can I just say I don't know if this was the right episode to start video on but We did record it. Do you want to? Do you want this to be our first video podcast?

Maybe we'll hold on. We'll hold on to that for a while because I got everything. Sounds like a lot of people would want to see it. I guess so. It was pretty gross. But also at times adorable. I have a lot of self-experienced friends who'd probably be into that. Sure. Well, should we get you back to the sea? Or I guess you could probably do that on your own? Yeah, I can do that myself. I guess it just uh, I'm gonna have a quick goodbye you with my kids. Of course. Sure, we'll just wait outside. Oh, wait outside and watch the window.

Yeah, that's what we could have a moment. Um, so by the way, you're turning to the sea then? Um, yeah, oh, you know what? I can't because I don't think I think it drown. Oh, you are still technically, oh god, if that was your father, I don't know what you are. You're all freaks. Oh, but listen, here, you'll be fine. Okay, queeva your what? Five now?

And the three of you will get by. Here is, I mean, you've got this tiny horse I'll meet you with a bush of crabs and I'll be back. I'll be back every few years. Oh, that sounds wonderful mother I promise to help take care of of the other children and and we'll eat these crabs just like you showed us Okay, we'll be fine. Okay, yeah, exactly. You're strong like your mother and you're kind of a wiener like your father. Oh, but you're also, you know,

what you're complicated like your father. So I think things are gonna work out or they won't come back and you'll be dead. And you know, that's also something that could happen. We love your mother. We love you. Okay, cheers for that. Well, this horse grow into a bigger horse. No, no.

Okay, Derrubel, I'm just poking my head in to say, we... That's not how you say it. I think we're gonna head back to the tavern. I didn't know. Are we good? Do you need me? Oh, I think... Oh, I think... We're gonna head back to the tavern. I didn't know. Are we good? Do you need me? Oh, I think, yeah, this is not really how I expected my evening to go, but, you know, not a lot of my life has gone as I expected it to.

So I'm pretty, uh, flexible. Yeah, well, you've been through a lot. I don't mind. I just kind of push it all down. If you need us, we're here. We are here, but if you don't, we can go. I mean, I'm just going to make my way back to the seashore. Oh, would you mind just like bringing some more crabs

by the house every few weeks? Sure, you know what? I bet you. Maybe make sure my kids don't starve. A hundred percent. That's what a nurturing mother would see to. Sure, sure, sure. Well, I do have to ask just to try and spare some animals.

Would your kid be okay with eating imitation crab? It's crabs that kind of do like a variety act they pretend to be other creatures. It's like a whole, it's a whole shit. Oh, I mean, how convincing are they? to be other creatures. It's like a whole, it's a whole shit. Oh, I mean, how convincing are they? They're pretty bad. Oh, no, then no.

OK. They will grab it. They will just be able to tell, and there's this shout. It's been like the things since they've been toddlers. They've very advanced, pal. Well, Starvela, I'm so happy that you can have this part of your life behind you, and now can look forward to what lies ahead for you.

Under the sea! Ah, alright, okay, it will be under the sea. Yes, that's fine. It will technically be under the sea. But I don't like the intonation. I know that ended on a contentious note, but I think we can all agree. Darling, it's better. Down where it's wetter. We got no troubles.

Life is... the bubbles. Use it or the wizard was played by Mat Young. Chant the talking and talking and talking Badger was played by Adolfi. And apparently Adolf has more to say. Check out his new podcast The Word Association wherever you get your podcasts. Derrr blah oh roe and was played by brief its Patrick. Brief performs regularly in Chicago with Hitch cocktails, Friday nights at the annoyance theater.

Along with baby once candy and clued in, both Saturday nights at the Second City, in their enormous hive of theaters where there used to be dozens of thriving local businesses. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Melanie Jacobs, Just John, Suferuki, Devon Miller, Vince Digwill Yomo, Eliza, Javier K, Nikki Boyce, Erin Patah, Magdalena from Sweden, Richard Badger McCullough, Jonathan T, Big Lins, and Buffy Stout.

Patrons get their weight in honey-baked ham, we discontinued that. Patrons get ad free episodes, the entire. We discontinued that. Patrons get ad free episodes, the entire back catalogue including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode with Momo, Flower, and Giannessa. I said I said last time I wasn't gonna punch any more people. I said it no more. I'm not gonna physically harm any other people. I said it, no more. I'm not gonna physically harm any other people. I was kind of amazing,

because the sandwich had already knocked him out and you just came over punching on top of that. I didn't know if it was gonna work. We don't know what pirates are used to. GNS, you punched him through the sandwich. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. GNS, I think this is-

Momos fault. I tuned in a half months ago. Your house is getting fumigated, but you were in a pretty good place. And you're running for re-election so soon, and I feel like I've just made you way more in the edge than you usually are. You're way more on top of it than this. I'm sorry. No, it's not your fault. There's nobody's fault that any of this happened. It's your fault that you didn't record it, but it's not your fault that the rest of this happened. And, Flower?

Yeah. I'm sorry that we've enabled you so much in all the tattoos and piercings that you've gotten on this trip. It's completely out of control. Lisen, I'm just a little disappointed in you, but every time I go, let's get a tattoo. Everyone seems like kind of a boy. I get it first and then no one else does it.

To hear the rest, nip that FOMO in the bud and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnini Camp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah, post production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

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