Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 84 - Activia Visits (w/ Tawny Newsome)

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

Arnie invites Activia Barleyfoot to the tavern in hopes of sparking a grand reunion with her father Otok.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiActivia Barleyfoot: Tawny NewsomeMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is my voice. It can tell you a lot about me and I'm not changing it for anyone. In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, you'll find a collection of NPR episodes centered on the Black experience. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths, wherever you get podcasts. In this country, some truths aren't self-evident. In NPR's Black Stories Black Truths, a collection of stories as wide-ranging and real as the people who tell them, we celebrate the black experience for all its soul and richness. Search NPR Black Stories Blacks, wherever you get podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

Yet here we are, crowd-pleasing, high-concept episodes like Tavern World far behind us, leaving us to stand purely on the merit of our own performances and craft, as cartoon characters are known to say, Gulp. Also, three tiny little teardrops of sweat leaping off of my forehead. But really, how bad can it be? Which is the exact blurb of copy under our name in the Apple Music Store. Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arne E. Camp, the greatest warrior in all of Foon. If you've never listened to this podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over eight years ago, I felt through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I use that to upload a podcast recorded here, and the tavern, the strange familiar, and the town of Newell Bottom, at the base of the innemable mountain in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunk the Talking Badger. Hmm, Chunks, please! Chunks, please! Chunks, chunk, sorry, chunk, please. Would you say chunks, please? Oh, not, nothing. Isn't that the slogan of that Middens player? Chunk bugles, but the dumb name. He's so good though. I he's very talented. Yeah, I guess so. Speaking of, I feel so tired all the time. I just feel like I'm recording the podcast. I'm trying to open a bar.

I'm going to watch so many Middens games and it feels like I'm almost playing. I just feel so exhausted that I don't use it or wonder the Wizard Choice Awards again. Well, there's still a couple of months away, but I'm also exhausted for all I do is prepare for the security must be airtight for all of the greatest wizards and some of their most DECICRATED AND ARKING OBSHICS shall be in one place. They're gonna send us DECICRATED OBSHICS? Oh yeah, you gotta have the DECICRADED stuff. I mean, obviously security is gonna be there regardless,

but it would be insane for anyone to try anything with all the most powerful wizards in one place. But guys, we're all-we're fucking trying stuff all the time. We've gotten the Dark Lord hidden in the basement. Shhh! I just got it. We haven't talked about that in a very long time. And I had almost forgotten, you know, out of sight out of mind. You know, maybe we didn't really defeat the Dark Lord,

but as long as he's sidelined and out of the picture, I say, mission accomplished. Look, is there any downside to hosting the Wizard's Choice Awards here? Like, I don't have to hang out with my ex. That's not great. Awkward. Well, you saw he did say a few years ago,

anytime someone won, they got slimed. Are we gonna have slime everywhere? Oh, yes, it's quite enjoyable. Also, there's a secret phrase, and if you say that, you also get slimed. What's a secret phrase? I don't know. That news got slugged. Oh, look, I'm excited that you have some passion project used at Or with Wizard Choice Awards,

but I'm the greatest warrior in all of the food now, and I've decided to re-dedicate myself to saving all of the food, saving Earth, and really just sort of being more proactive of the loose ends of the podcast. So we saved Otoch and yes, it took us half a decade to do it. But there's still some loose ends for Otoch and so I sent him away for a little bit so we could prepare a surprise. I invited his daughter, Activia, Barleyfoot, to come to the tavern to give you her so that they can be reunited.

What a wonderful and satisfying emotional end to this arc. The show shall finally have the emotional cathosis it so has desperately needed. Arnie two things, one loose ends would be a great name for my bar. Uh, and two. No, tent. Wasn't she whisked away by birds? Kitchen birds if I'm not mistaken. Yes. Ha.

But it was a weird time. Everyone was going through some stuff at that time, you know what I mean? Do you think she's mad at us for not calling the birds trying to strike down the birds? I love birds. She just seemed like she needs some space in that moment. She, you know, if someone, and to be clear, it wasn't just her, her and that whole kitchen were lifted by birds and flown away, which is just like a thing that really happened. You know, sometimes even I don't believe the things that happened here.

Arnie, I feel like you need to say that more often. This really happened. This really happened. Yeah. Well, I'm very excited. Uh, should I go get Otock and have him... do you have activity here already? No, no, no. I sent Otock away on a bullshit errand,

which is something I knew frequently anyway, but this time it had a real purpose. Oh, that reminds me. Here are your apples. Oh, thank you, Yuzador. Yes, and Arnie, here is 14 of the weirdest potatoes from all across the... Yuzador. See, I sent Chant away, so we would have time. To enjoy these apples. To enjoy these apples and Chant.

I sent Yuzador away, so while he was gone getting those apples, we could make fun of him, less to his face than we usually do. Smart, smart, yeah, it feels better when he's not here. Now look, I'm whispering this to both of you at the same time, so that's, yes, I noticed. It's not great. I'm not great at this. I sent Otocaway, not to spoil and surprise.

Let's talk to active, you just a little bit, to sort of like, prepper for the emotional catharsis of this amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greatest moment in all podcasting, we've been doing it. This way, and we have, is Trongo here?

Can we find Trongo? Where is that giraffe? The one that has a boat for legs? Yeah, Trongo, which is a real thing. That's a real thing. I really don't have to believe that. I can see it in my mind, I know. Ony Shabby interviewing, Which is a real thing, a real thing, a real thing. I really have to believe that. I can see it in my mind, Zyna.

Ony shall be interviewing Activia, the way he does with such effortless uh, charm and points. And he shall ask a question, it's like, wouldn't you love to see your father again?

And she shall respond. Yeah, oh, lo, how I have desire to see him again. How it has crushed my heart to be separated from here. She's here. She's here. She's here She's here. She's here. Hey Is that what the fuck you think I sound like oh? No, of course not I was sort of giving it my own sort of Answer me answer me one,

put me down, put me down over here, put me down. Oh, the motor's still there. Left, no, my left. Why are you carrying me backwards? It makes no sense. All right, fiend, Yallik. I've been seeing you in a minute.

I might ask you directly to your face. That's good to see you. It's, I wish I could say the same. I really do. I wish I could, but I can't. Is that what I heard earlier, what you think I sound like? Uh, no, I was sort of doing a dramatic interpretation using my own voice. Uh, but I certainly would be happy, uh, to try to approximate your voice if you would prefer. I would very much prefer. Can I sit down on this ugly chair? That's me, I'll move. Oh, hello furry person.

Hello, good to see you, good activity. Sorry about the birds. That's not on you? Well, it was on you. You should have shot them out in the sky, but you didn't. And so now I have mastered them. They are my pets and also vehicle. So that's how I overcame a challenge and an obstacle in my life. So what you did in do made me stronger. Hello, Arnie. Hello, Activie. It's good to see you. I can I ask? Again, I wish I could say the same.

It's not good to see any of the three of you. I appreciate the honesty. Makes sense. Yeah, makes sense. Can I ask, Activie, last time we saw you these birds carried you away. For them, over a year since then, have you been being carried that whole time? Yeah, I sold my chariot. I got rid of all my sneakers. I don't walk, I don't run, I don't drive, I don't ride, I don't float. I only bird about What a way to live It's your fault and mind blessing because you all severely fucked up by not like I said shoot nose birds out the sky

But I turned it into an opportunity to practice my beast wrangling skills Sure, and now they are my humble servants and also transportation. Fien-yalek, do your impression of me now. Well I suppose I'd sound something like this if I was gonna be active-yers, voice, all the time. Use it or- no. No? Too sexy.

Wait a minute. Now I didn't expect to like that. And I was correct. I did it. Oh. It't expect to like that and I was correct. I did it. Oh, it's all for it every time. She sets you up and then she knocks you over. That was terrible, but look, I'm going to forgive you this time because I know you all haven't been on the, uh, the self-betterment journey that I've been on. I can tell you haven't because you're still squatting about messing about with what you even doing now. You're trying to open a bar.

What are you doing? You're hosting some bullshit awards. You're doing nothing. No high-value creatures as far as I can see. I was dead and then came back to life. So, who hasn't? Yeah, and I'm actually practicing a lot of but holistic medicine. So I'm just trying to sort of be more natural about everything. But holistic. Through your butthole, that's how you're being

more natural about things. Yep, any medicine, any shots, anything I need, it all goes through one of my buttholes. I keep telling you this is butt chugging, that's not medicine. No, it's not. Only what you got. Well, I accidentally killed Arnie

or the greatest warrior in all of Finn. So now I am the greatest warrior in all of Finn. So I feel like, look, have I been doing a great job of that so far? No, but I've definitely raised in station. Now, you know, I can see why you all think that you're really doing something with your lives, but none of you are doing anything like what I'm doing.

I've been on a better-minute journey. I know last time I was here, I was trying to be kinder and softer. Now I know that's for fucking chumps. Now I'm trying to be tougher and harder and meaner and more smarter and in an innovator. That's what I'm doing. You are getting more smarter. That's right. You can. You are getting more smarter. That's right. You can finally see my superior key.

Sorry, I was eating some chips when I said that word and the chips got in the way of the tea of superiority. I hope it doesn't mess up the audio, but you're eating chips through most of what you've been saying so far. Because as a high-value female, I know that I need to refuel myself. I need to get my proteins and my carbs in before I'm about to do something strenuous, which talking to the three of you bloody is. Uh-huh, high protein chips.

Well, I'd be curious to learn about some of your innovations. You said you're an innovator. Uh, I'm sure you're very talented and intelligent person. I'm sure you've created some wonderful new products or services or maybe you're disrupting things. Hot sauce, there's also a sunscreen. What's this? Hot sauce, it's also a sunscreen.

Yep, you get me. When's the last time you were out in the sun and you were like, they sucks, but you had a delicious hot sauce to put on your chickie tandys. And you said, I wish this did double duty, I wish. Now it does, you're welcome. I mean, I always do double duties, but chicken tandys in hot sauce,

that would be a great item for loose ends. Let me write this down here. Eight days ago. Chum, is your bar's theme diarrhea? I mean, it's not diarrhea. Yeah, okay. Oh, and we have, the stools are loose too. All the stools at the bar are loose.

So you come down, you sit down. You're like, what's wrong with this? It's a loose stool. I mean, you've got to love the commitment to the theme. It's the number two place and nibble bottom. I still think you're thinking too small, Chum. You're thinking too small. Youump, you're thinking too small, you're not thinking high-minded, galaxy brain enough.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I think I do. You know, I was trying to be sweet now, but I think this makes sense. Okay, so chicken tandy's, loose stool, what else can I do to be a top G? Yeah, top G. Well, you can make it so that anyone who walks in your bar feels bad about themselves.

Yes, woo. Instantly put them down and make them feel bad so they buy more things to try and feel the emptiness. But you can't be too obvious about it. You have to make them feel bad in a way that they think it's their fault and not your fault. Okay, now you're starting to get it, yeah. Thank you. What if I write down on the menu scrambled nigs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So everyone who walks in gets a free order of scrambled nigs.

I think that could work. It's me nicking people and it's just kind of floating around. You don't know who it's going to hit. It was going to either get me their scrambled because they don't exactly make sense. I think that'll be part of it for sure. Like, oh boy, your ankles are a little too smelly. I think that makes perfect sense, aren't you?

No, it's gonna be something like, oh girl, you make time run in a circle. And she's like, is that good? Is that bad? And you're like, oh no. Here's the menu, won't you figure it out? It just kind of like, give her a look like, ooh, I wouldn't want to be you.

And they just kind of walk away polishing a glass. Better buy, I wouldn't want to be you, and they just kind of walk away polishing her glass. Better buy something till you figure it out. Yes, Marley. Exactly. Exactly. Okay, you're starting to get it. All right, Arnie, how are you gonna be terrible in order to get ahead? Well, let's see here. Last week, I helped Selkie skin her husband

in front of their children. I mean... So you helped somebody, what a fucking loser. I don't know, we helped someone, I guess. I don't know if we helped everyone. Yes, it sounds soft as hell to me. It just, it sounds soft. Soft! Yeah, it sounds soft.

I don't know what I'm saying. It sounds like somebody said, hey, can you help me skin my husband or whatever? And you say, oh, let me come to your back in court. You think I'm doing that? No, I skinned the people I feel like skinning. And if people asked me for help, I'll throw hot sauce, sunscreen, run them, and run me over direction. You get flown in the other direction, right?

Like, I didn't want to say this right away. Your legs seem to have atrophied quite a bit. Yeah, they don't work anymore by design. The thing I'm going to do to be more awful is to interrupt everyone to cut to a commercial break. And I gotta say, Octavia, I think your ankles do smell. I think your atrofeed legs, the ankle smell. Sorry, I'm so sorry.

My ankle smell? What a scrambled neck. So, Octavia, you keep talking about how tough you are now. Hey look, I believe you. I've been scared of you since the first time I met you, but what's like the toughest thing you've done this week? This week, I'm not going to have to know it down to this morning. Go ahead. I didn't do much this morning, actually.

I just kind of got up. The birds had to go out for a wee, and they can't open doors yet, so I had to do that for them. Okay, so this week, this week, this week, let's see, I made a cornbread out of explosives. What else did I do? Who is that for? Well, who wasn't here for me? I didn't need it. I do who's that for well who wasn't here for me I didn't need it guys. Yes So you made an explosive cornbread and just left it out left it somewhere I'm not a limited to say who my targets are all right you think I'll watch yourself who criminate myself I'm gonna write this down avoid

Cornbread for now. I like cornbread with ham. Oh, well, do you also like it with DMT? Or DD, I forget which one is the explosive and which one is drugs, but there's both in it. There's both? Wow. Oh, no. You've got a problem. Yeah, so I did that this week. What else do I do? I got one of those brick ovens, those brick ovens, those pizza ovens,

you know, that you can make it in the brick oven, like in your backyard, you can put it in the brick oven. I got one of those and I put a school of children in it forever. They're trapped there now through magic. So wasn't burning or was it? No, I didn't want it to burn. That seemed excessive, but I didn't just want them to get a crispy crust, you know? Yeah.

I do have to activity. It does seem like, you know, cornbread with explosives or drugs. The pizza oven, your tunic says, ask me about my cheese. It seems like there's a lot of food related chaos going on. To be fair, I flock of birds that carry her away in a kitchen. Yeah. Yeah. And just because I decided to sharpen my toughness skills, you know, through culinary arts, it's not because I'm bored or desperate of grasping for something, it's because I'm very tough and I'm using the tools I've been given, like like a beautiful stand mixer where I made some biscuits that put a spell on anyone with

green eyes. Ooh, put that on the menu. That would work on me. Yeah, so that's what I've been doing and it's all very tough and scary and it's the worst thing you've ever heard. Congratulations. Well, except for the hot sauce, which seems like it's actually pretty useful.

It's gonna help a lot of people. That sounds good. Yeah. Is this hot sauce more hot sauce or more suntan lotion? Like subtly, it's gotta like break one way or the other. Well, here's a problem. You put it on your skin, it burns,

cause it is hot sauce, okay? And you put it on your food, and it will poison you in the stomach because we are not meant to eat the ingredients that are in sunscreen. So it is a device of murder, because I'm very tough. No, absolutely, yes. Can I just say, we are thrilled as a high valued female.

Is that what you call yourself? We are so thrilled to have you here. And I just wanna say that we are, for you speaking here, for this engagement, we will it yourself here so thrilled to have you here. And I just want to say that we are for your for you speaking here for this engagement. We will absolutely pay you. You said what do we have in the coffers? A thousand gold. We'll give you a thousand gold for this for speaking here today.

Thank you. Sure. Yeah, that's fine. I needed some of that money to hire security for the Wizards choice awards, but I suppose activity could have a thousand gold. Yeah, sure, yeah, of course, we can happily compensate you. That's really going to put it into things. Thank you for knowing my worth. Now, you brought me here and I'm

happy to be not busy and the birds needed a walk. That's what we call it, even though they fly. You just have to walk the birds needed a walk. That's what we call it, even though they fly. You just have to walk the birds, or I say get NC in the house, you know. They run around, they tear up the furniture. So because I happen to be in this terrible neighborhood, I did come by at your request, but I'm growing tired. Well, yes, we have something to reveal to you,

Activia. How would you feel if you saw him you saw if you saw if you saw your father again? Hmm I Would feel Like I just figured out who the explosive cornbread is for Like I just figured out who the explosive cornbread is for. How dare you ask me about my father! What is wrong with you? Don't you know anything about me or my backstory?

Have you filled in any blagues in between what I've been saying? I was on a quest looking for him for years! And then suddenly I stopped and you all found him. Can you put together why inhale that is Because I don't want to say hand you in but so I'm gonna go get all my food related and slightly poisonous inventions and bring them back here for you all to ingest and eat and Do you can die because I'm so angry birds Birds

Birds Birds, and I will hold on birds Look we just wanted to know how I would make you feel Oh, they're weeing all over the place can you you should have left about side they weren't doing Weed that much you can't hear me go, wee! Wee! Wee! Yeah. There's no reason to be upset. We just wanted to know how you'd feel.

We don't know where our talk is, right? Everyone? Yeah. Right, yeah. Right, right. Roobar, Roobar, Roobar, Roobar. So, he's not here in this building right now. I... So, he's not here in this building right now. I don't think so right now. And he's not about to come back to this building after being off on some bullshit errand or quest

in an attempt to have some kind of a surprise meeting reuniting for us. As cathartic and good for the ratings as that would be. Good for the ratings that would be, I think. I feel like that kind of reunion, I could probably get a Apple podcast feature or something for something like that. But you know, Arnie, Chant, I'm going to, I'm going to step away for a moment. I'm going to be, that tells step away for a moment. I'm gonna be, uh... That tells us nothing, what are you doing?

I'm gonna be just outside, outside where people, outside the door where people come in through the front door. Yes, and I will help you open the door to wait outside. Arnie, we will be outside. It just incates us anyone out there trying to get in, who I need to talk to. Yeah, yeah. Right, right, we'll be right back. We'll be outside. It just incates us anyone out there trying to get in who I need Shoggy's right. Yeah, right. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Well, Arnie. Yeah, it sounds like you narrowly avoided disaster. Yeah

So activity now that used to do in Charkon who I'm sure like those two are the fucking suck right but you can you can like we can just be ourselves like we're kind of old friends a little bit right? Oh yeah yeah we're old pals we're old friends yeah those two are the worst but you and me are new we're the better no I hate all of you equally what are you trying to get at? That's fair I don't know I just don't like it when people don't like me. And I'm willing to throw anyone else under the bus. Actually that kind of shows a certain type of initiative.

Being willing to throw some of your oldest friends under the bus to get on the good side of a tyrannical maniac slash stranger, such as myself. That shows you're willing to climb any ladder to improve your social status, even if it ruins your real life friendships. I mean, look, when it's more important to me to be validated by a charismatic stranger

that I see once every year and a half than my friends that I see every week, sure. Is that a flaw or is that a my greatest strength? I think that's real tough guy shit, Arnie. Maybe you do have what it takes to be a high value male. I don't know, I feel like there's a low ceiling for a value of a male. It could be. Let me ask you this.

What kind of passive income you have? What kind of passive income you got? Yeah, when you just sit back at home, what's making money for you? Hmm, I mean, the podcast brings in some amount of money and I'm bringing back a lot of money. I didn't do that. Oh, it is? No, it's active. You've got to turn on a mic. You've got to talk.

What is making money while you sleep? That's the path to becoming a hard value male. And I don't give these nuggets of information away for free. Alright? This is why I don't want to see my father. My father spent his whole life working like a chump. And I'm sick of it. I've ascended past him.

I don't need him anymore. I never, ever need to see or hear from my father ever again. And if you can come up with the reason why I should, well, I think that would just be the end of activity, uh. What else would she have to live for? Do you see what I'm getting at, Arnie? I get it, I think. On my world, there's a book a prayer for Owen Meeney. Maybe we'll do it on the book club at some point. And it has this great quotation at the beginning that says, if there's no room, uh, fuck and I can't remember. What? What do you wish it said? What? Just say what you wish it said, make it up. That's what an innovator does.

I suppose that's true. It says, you know, it's talking about belief in God and how there's no room for doubt. And if there's no room for doubt, there's no room for me. I think I just wanted to seem smart for a second. And I really, I really whiffed it. No, what you did was seem smart. You and I know you weren't,

but it's more important to seem sometimes. Yeah, you know, would it be so bad if you turned into your dad? As you get older? Well, I think we resolved the front door issue. And, um, uh-hmm. Connie, you're going to have 50 leaf clovas in a couple days. Uh, I know this isn't that important. What are you saying?

I'm gonna have 52 leaf clovas or 52 leaf clovas. 52 leaf clovas. Yeah, 52 space leaf clovas. Also, I was in the outdoor bathroom that we all know was outside the tavern. Yeah, 52 space leaf clovers. Also, I was in the outdoor bathroom that we all know was outside the tavern, and I found the cornbread explosive, and almost like I was at the end of a book, I, what did I do?

I threw the explosive through the window, killing myself. How did that end? Whoa, too. The cornbread exploded. I can't remember how that story ended. Regardless, I'm okay now. Channel, why did you do that?

You're such a meanie. I know, thank you. And also, Activia, I'd notice something out there was 27 carts out front. Do you own 27 carts? Oh yeah, I love carts. But don't your birds carry you? Why do you have 27 carts? If not, I love carts. But don't your birds carry you? Why do you have 27 carts?

I mean, that's a lot of money. Status, chant. It's for status. Yeah. I mean, people have to see that I don't travel light. I bring everything with me. Because what if I decide to move here? Anywhere I go.

What if I decide to move right there? I go out to lunch, maybe I'll move here. Invest, Smith. Invest, properties. Invest, properties. Sorry. Yeah. launch, maybe I'll move here. Investment properties. Investments properties. Sorry. No, I really like the cards that was shiny bright red. So beautiful.

I'm really digging what you're putting down. It sounds like if I want to become, I don't know, let's say a millionaire. It sounds like if I surround myself with 100 people who each give me 10,000 gold coin. You're starting to get it, uh-huh. Pretty easily, I'm a millionaire and it makes... Why don't more people just do that?

Hmm. Because they lack stamina. That's really all it boils down to. They lack the stamina because they get to the first part of that word problem and they go, okay, if I get one person to give me a hundred dollar, oh fuck it, I don't know one person, I suck, I'm just gonna watch Telly all day. That's where people really shoot themselves in the foot, you know? And but you're thinking, you're high-minded, you're galaxy brain. And that's, you're starting to show something, John, I'll take back 10%

of the nasty things I said to you. I appreciate it, thank you. Arnie, have we ever watched Telly with you? No, you mean television? No, I mean Telly. He's a guy we know. A lot of people around food like to watch him. This there, I'm. Bring him over to Crystal Ball.

Just watch him and be like, what the hell's Telly up to? Watch him do what? Well, him and his three brothers have these weird shapes on their heads. Yeah. They usually come out during the baby son, which is a weird time of the year already. Don't do not go outside during the baby son. No.

It is confusing, it's terrifying. If you're on any sort of drug, you will cry. But during the baby son telling his brothers they dance around. Honestly, I don't know what they do. No, when does. But people just stare at it and waste their life away. Instead of thinking like you did, of how to work, build a triangular-shaped business model

in order to stand on top of that triangle and reap the most rewards and have the most power. I do want to do that, but I just pulled out my crystal ball and I do kind of a check-in on Telly while we take a quick break. They're all kind of tubby. No Arnie, no! Well, Activia, your father definitely isn't here and I'm not certain where he is or could be.

So there's no reason to worry about that anymore. Tell us more about how to get rich. Like I, for instance, I think I'm understanding what you're saying. You need to be at the top of the pyramid. Try and go. And the way I'm going to do that is by giving you all the money I have right now. What? You're going to give me all your money right now?

I think that's how I get to the top, it seems like. But I haven't even done anything to trick or defraud you in order to earn it. Oh, okay, well go ahead. I'm sorry, I just, I'm used to it being a little bit difficult, like if to convince people because they normally don't trust me, you know, because I'm like a morada and I'm very dangerous, I ride around on birds and whatnot. So I'm just a little thrown that you trust me. But I trust you, of course. I trust you implicitly.

Why? I have two eye patches on. I was gonna ask about that. Are you out blind now? I wanted to turn you around so you're facing us, but I was terrified. No, it's just for effect. I worry, I do worry that the audio or this episode is gonna be affected by how all over the place you are with these two eyepatches. It's just for effect. It's how I look the most untrustworthy.

And here you are saying you trust me. Activity, can I ask you something and be honest please, did you get hot sauce slash sunscreen in your eyes? The bottle is so hard to operate. I didn't invent the bottle. I outsource that part and I killed that person. I've killed the one side with a different, with an apple pie that was also an explosive itself.

That's what I did to them. So the bottle is not on me. Add that to the menu, explosive apple pie, but not in the way you think. Historically, the bottle is one of the trickiest of all inventions. It's because I didn't want it to be a squeeze. I wanted it to be a dupe dupe. You know, what is that? We turn it over and you go dupe dupe. You know, I'm talking about You have to do those you have to shake it to get the doodle smack yeah get smack smack dupe dupe

Any time I sit down on the couch I hear dupe dupe. I know I'm in for a great night. I can just relax. For the next 60 minutes I can eat my food and enjoy whatever I'm watching. But your meal is going to end kind of abruptly, isn't it? Oh, absolutely. I trust you implicitly because though you may seem abrasive at times, haven't you always had our best interests at heart? Every time you meet you, you tell us ways we can improve ourselves, ways we should behave in, because I know deep down, even though you don't want to admit it, you care about us.

And we care about you. Arnie's tapping the ratings. The ratings, the beautiful connect, the reunion, the cathartic ending we were looking for. I mean, we don't really have real-timetime analytics but I'll take your word for it. Well I don't know what to say. All this time I've been trying to scare you and harm you and make you feel stupid and flabby and old and poor. Flabby. And instead what I seem to have done is shown you that this is how I love, this is how I love,

and it's my darkest secret and that's the real reason I don't want to see my father. Because my love is so big, it would create a larger explosion than all the dynamite combrids of ever made, strep together with duct tape. Wow. So that's why. And I can't believe you just cut right to the core of me, Feehan. Y'all, I'm gonna need a minute to process.

That duct tape would be hell on someone's digestion, really. Arnie. You're just not supposed to eat duct tape, that's what I'm saying. Arnie, don't focus on the duct tape. Right now, you've got a guest who's in an emotional state. This is the time to ask your most important pertinent questions and really learn about their inner life.

Go for it, Ony, go! Okay. And Tv, you seem really upset. But what's up with those weird mittens, you're aware of? Oh, fuck. You ask about the mittens? Yeah, they just... I keep it, I've had a July badges for nearly 40 minutes and you didn't say a word, but now you

want to know about the mittens. They're just like in your face a lot while you're crying, so it's just trying my attention to them. It's because lately I tend to burst into tears a lot and it got tiresome carrying around a kerchief so I just keep these tear mittens on my hands. No. Why didn't you just cut right to the core of a person's insecurities? I feel like when I insult all of you I keep it very abstract so it's not to hurt your

actual feelings. So Jerry, call me Flabby. But you guys really, you really narrowed in on something that felt, I called the entire or the group of you Flabby in an abstract way. So I didn't call any one person anything that they might be weird about. But you guys really, you know me better than anyone. You're the closest creatures to me in the world. Oh, really? Wow.

No, it knows me better than you are. Like, what's my favorite food? Pizza? Yes. What's the stupidest way I ever hurt myself? Hot sauce and the eyes from a dupe to... Yes, you're my best friend. Guys, how am I doing?

This is just information I've gotten in the last couple of minutes. I know. OK, last one, last one. What kind of a room? What's my favorite room to get carried away by birds in? Oh, kitchen. That's an easy one. Kitchen, yeah, kitchen. See everyone you're you're my family you're my family and

you're just tearing me to bits you're tearing me apart. Well we feel the same way you're our family too. For so many years we stayed at the familian minotaur you know and if your father and blemish, and you were there, and then Arnie joined us later, and I just always felt like, like I thought of you as sort of a surrogate daughter of my own. I guess I'll push you all away, because I was too scared of what it would reveal about me. And I guess I'll be hiding behind this tough exterior because I don't like myself.

Do you all like me? Oh, I can't. Yeah. Why? I don't know. There's no good reason. I gotta say, seeing someone get carried away in a kitchen by birds, rules. I mean, it was weird and birds rules. I mean it was weird and it's I mean but that image every time I close my eyes that's what I see. I always remember

it. Some people are like, how do I know you? And then when I see you I'm like, oh it's those fucking birds. Activia, I like you because you're tough. Because you don't take any guff from anyone and you do things the way you want to do them and I respect that because you are a high value female and Nativia, oh sorry you're gonna Activia also they respect you so much. They will cut you off mid-sense All I've ever wanted is to be validated by free men at once.

I can die now. It's called the Eiffel Tower of Validation. Sometimes it's okay to be a Marauder and a daughter. I feel like these birds can carry me away to heaven now. Of a cheap girl I've need to. I am the galaxy brain. Well that one is trying to knock you over with a feather. Stop that. Get out of here. Stop it. Stop it.

Wow. You guys have just... You've changed me whole life. I don't know where I'll go from here. Ooh, I do have one tip. When we were outside, there was a constable who, I guess when you put those kids in the pizza oven, you left a very specific pizza box on the oven. Like, pizza box from a very specific pizza place.

Birds, we gotta go. Birds, birds, we gotta go. No, say no, Paul. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm going to take more innocence and birds, birds, scoop me up. Yep, of course it is. Yep, we will go. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm gonna take more innocence and but but scoop me up. Yep, okay. It was nice see you all We love you all. I love you all. Thank you for my introspective Turn

We love you, bro. Wow You're taking a surprising amount of things from the bar with them as well Yeah, that's what they do. Yeah, we need provisions for the after party. After party? Whenever you do, expect yourself work. You need an after party to process the emotions, boy. Sure, that adds up. Why are we never invited to an after party?

Yeah, it's nice to be loved, but I'd rather be invited. And why did she have a pizza box if it was a pizza oven, she could make her own pizzas. That's what I'm saying. Well, she didn't want to light the fire because the kids were inside of it, so. But you know what, all that aside, we did a good thing here today, I think. We did a great thing.

Guys, good job. I feel like we're forgetting something now, and I can't quite remember. Oh, yeah, we never found out about the cheese. From Ritunik, ask me about my cheese. we never found out about the cheese. From Hurtunic, ask me about my cheese. We never found out about the cheese. Yeah, next time. You guys want to invest in loose ends?

Oh, here's all my money. I'm trying to... Yeah, that's the problem. I've got a loose end. We keep... All right, let's keep this quick. I may or may not have an after party to attend. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chant the talking badger was played by Adolfi. Activia Barleyfoot was played by special guest Torney Newsom. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Sophia Kinion, Alyssa, Marino the Professor, Titus, Shenandoah Hoffman, pretty sure that's a tree pretending to be a person. Jason and Mack, Jeremy Mesh, Amy Holloway, Keith Hanson, Karl Haudre, Bell, Phil M. Mitch Wills,

and Daniel Arlet. Patrons get humor-free episodes, wait isn't that all of them? Oh hang on, Patrons get humor-free episodes, wait, isn't that all of them? Oh, hang on, patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes every month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced

by Arne Meekamp, Matt Young, and Adolfiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer, Emma Hoverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. You