Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 85 - Alpha Krom

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

A visit to Fingaria in search of the powerful warrior Krom.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiKrom the Fingarian: Mark FrederickMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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where ever you get podcasts. People of Earth. Yes, even you Luxembourg! Look how big you've gotten! I can remember when you were just one of the 17 provinces of the Habsburg Netherlands. And even though you're still the most adorable sprig of parsley in the crowded entree that is Western Europe, even you should know the following podcast is not real. It's as illusory as Luxembourg's influence on parts of the world beyond, oh let's say Belgium. And even Belgium's like, oh them? Yeah, not sure what they're up to, we don't talk much anymore.

But in consequential castle-stroon, fiefdom or otherwise, we can all sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arne. You can't the greatest warrior in all of Foon. And if you've never listened to the podcast before, it's as everything you need to know. Over eight years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff, and I use that to record a podcast as we prepare to host the Wizard's Choice Awards in the middle of the bottom, coming in an undisclosed time in the near future. I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Shun the Talking Badger. Shun's up with that.

Or should I say, Shun's up with fat, free dressing. Ah, boy. I'm still workshopping menu items for loose ends. Are you remember my bar that I is now my life dream? Yes, it's all you've been talking about all week since that happened literally? I just want to say,

I just want to say, listen, if you're hearing, we are on the road right now. We've been on the road for days. Again. all week since that happened literally and I just want to say yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes I did some research the other day, Arnie. I went to this bar. It was called bar and owl. So it was a bar, I think, an apostrophe N and then owl. One inside, it was basically a barn and there's nothing but owls inside. And there's no booze, no food, no order to sit. You know what, there was no apostrophe, it just said bar and owls. I think, I think, yeah, did you just go into a barn? I think I went into somebody's house. Did you take anything?

No. I took notes because I was trying to do research for loose ends. So they had some notes lying around that you took? Yes, I took their notes. It was mostly shopping lists, I believe, and also some family trees. I shopped on a family tree. I do, oh no, this sucks bad. Do we have editing capability still Arnie?

Edit the podcast here. We get it reality. We can't undo your mistakes. Oh, so that doesn't that only works for audio And even that not really Look if if now were the case there wouldn't be 400 episodes so far more or less Oh, we need to edit that because it's not 400 yet. I either want to do on some of this egg jerky What it's a nice road this egg jerky. What? It's a nice road snack. Egg jerky, I just dried out eggs. Well, I'll try some.

There you go. Try down the eggs. Yeah, egg jerky, do you want some or not? Shoot me. I don't want your salmonella stick. Just take it. I'm gonna be back here. Oh, wow, just relaxing, digging in now.

So, Arnean used to do, if you go to a bar, you walk in the door, or you push up in the sling doors, or you go down the little trap door, whatever the entry point is. You don't even know the entry place to your bar? Well, I thought about it being too big cheeks. And the entry point, of course, is either too little but hold doors.

Yeah. Into loose ends. And but some I did a soft launch,, a lot of people aren't digging that. So I don't know, I don't know where to go with that. What do you want to see in your fantasy of fantasy's bar? Probably like, uh, piece of fudge or something, really. Yes, dude. It's a decadent piece of fudge.

Yeah, big piece of fudge. For a fat down. So loose ends, walking to a whole big piece of fudge. Now is the fudge kind of... You can buy fudge when you walk in or the fudge is coming out the door a little bit. Like is there a table that kind of leads out for the door with fudge? Oh, there should be some fudge

sticking out of the door. Yes. To entice you in. Arnie, what were you saying? I was gonna say, when I went from this place is nothing I've heard so far. I would say, my only ideas are none of these things. Well, then I have a bar for you, Arnie.

It's called bar and owls. Now, often, Fudge has nuts on it. Uh, but you could try doing other things like, I don't know, corn. That's used for the Fudge Blue. That's Chant the Fudge Shifter. I'm gonna jump in with this organ. Get nuts. Arning, no, no, no, no, don't jump out of the wagon.

We've just been on a road too long. Well, I'll tell you what's driving me nuts on this wagon is the stagecoat. Did someone say my name? Sightlines, everyone's sightlines. The curtain opens in five. He keeps telling me to cheat out. I don't know what that means. I don't know.

Now, you can see the wilderness, the wilderness can see you. Everyone? Everyone remember their lines? No. What I get confused about is, is Coach left my left? Yeah, why would it be any other left? I don't know, but it seems to keep saying this. And if the other way that I think it should be.

It's so confusing, I think. Hey, confusing. Should we push him off the wagon? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll just do it. WHAA! So long. He flew. he flew so hard and so silently. Well there were sounds but he didn't say anything like yeah he didn't

say anything when he was being pushed. I think if you get yeeted that hard I think you're just stunned. Oh remind me I've been so busy in my little bar world where are we on the road again? Oh, the Wizard's Choice Awards are coming just as Arnie had mentioned before. You had nothing. Oh, couldn't be more excited. There's going to be so many magical items. Items that spill on your certain doom.

Items that will create delight unlike those you have ever seen. Items that create rainbows, taller than a thousand rainbows stacked on top of another And and all we need to do is prepare Make sure everyone is safe. So we're going to Fingeria where we're gonna get a little security We're gonna find some big beefy men and women and and non-binary folks and have them come back and be our great Protectors during the Wizards Choice Awards.

It's going to be most elaborate, unnecessary. Over the top, obnoxious, unbelievable event of the year. How about this? Why do we just ask all the Wizards to not bring their items? Duh, aw, honey. Like, why so many items? Then what would they do on the purple carpet? Boulder

Boulder no, sorry. There's a big Boulder up ahead. Do we see this? Okay, I see what you're saying now you're saying there's a big Boulder up there. Oh, yeah, all right Well, let's get out of this and yell at the Boulder and see if it helps hold on. I love rocks. Let me talk to it first. Pardon me, Boulder. Hello, I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twilthrill, Muffezeus, Master of Light and Shadow, Minimulator of Magical Lights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trakis, the Ilvesnomies,

Fying Yellow. The Dwarvesnom zone in a hukestangest night. Boulder, the northeast, with the bowler. Oh yeah, okay. Can you move out of our way, please? You, Sennor. I know who you are, bro. Oh well, thank you. Wait, there's someone pushing this ball.

Is that... Tana! Clown! It's a crumb! Well, what, for two of his circumstances these are, but we were coming to search you out specifically to help us gather a party of strong and powerful fingerians to help us in a great task. Oh, well, you won't find a stronger, more powerful Hungarian than crumb.

Or call me on one of my boulder push workouts. Oh, shit, crumb, it's so good to see you. And can I just say, I loved when you put your fist under your chin when you said, it's me, it's Crom, there's just something about that that's just so charming. Oh, thank you, Chuck, and it's great to see you too. Yeah, for a giant warrior who sometimes can fly into a berserker like rage, very charming. Well, I'd like to think I am. I've really been working on my personal brand

since you last saw me. And part of that is developing a charm and charisma. Oh, yeah, you actually have a sort of a crew neck sweater on. Is this like merch you have for your branding? Yeah, yeah. So you could see my logo here, the Alpha Fingurian lifestyle I've been promoting. Guys, guys. Look, let's just all agree, not to comment on the fact.

It took him a long time to get the word logo out. But he got there. He got there. It's a hard word. If you don't say it daily, it's a hard word. Yeah, so you could see on the shirt and on the back, the information on the sizing is written on the tag. Yeah, tag. Yeah, tag. Guys, he got sizing, easy.

And Alpha Fingarian rolled off the tongue, but yeah. It's a nice folder, too. It's a nice big folder. Where'd you get this folder? Oh yeah, so this is part of my merch too. I sell these boulders as well. Yeah, this one is a medium sized boulder, but they come in large, extra large, super large, very large.

So they don't even come in mediums. So you're gonna put this on the trash. Yeah, this is as small as they get, very large so they don't even come in mediums here because it's like trash yeah this is this is as small as they get but they but they don't get but they're not small they're only medium why don't you call this one small because it's not small look at it that's a good point you got me that you got me that it's not small yeah wait what the fuck wait a minute crumb aren't you like the fucking king of Fingeria oh Oh no, no, no, no, that's in my past. I'm much more popular now, just working on my own brand, as I said, and becoming more of a,

what we would call an influencer in food. And yeah, that's what you follow me on my YouTube, right? You follow me on YouTube? I'm afraid I don't. What is that? You know, on Fingeria, there's a tube that runs underground. It starts in Fingeria and kind of goes in a U shape through Foon and then back up to Fingeria and I shout into the tube.

And we're supposed to follow you around this tube? No, you just listen to the things in the, I poke holes in the tube at different points in food and you go up to a hole and you listen to, listen to what I'm shouting into the tube. Yeah, I get it. Smash that hole and subscribe. Already, that's it, that's the loose end slogan. I mean, that sounds, it sounds,

you said it's a u-shape, which sounds pretty simple, but in reality, when I think about this YouTube, it feels like it could get exhausting, overwhelming. You mean like how loud I have to shout into it? Yes, that, and it sounds like anything and everything could just fall into that tube. Oh, easily, yeah, yeah. So I initially set it up, it was meant for just me

to shout into the tube, but people have figured out that if there's a hole in the tube, they can shout into it too. So it gets pretty crowded in there. When you go into the tube, can I ask how many people follow you in there? How many sort of followers you have into the tube, they can shout into it too. So it gets pretty crowded in there. When you go into the tube, can I ask how many people follow you in there? How many sort of followers you have into the tube? I think I'm up to about 10 to 12,000 followers. Oh, that's not bad.

It's pretty good. Yeah. I mean, it started with zero, so that's pretty good, actually. I would hope so. I hope you start. It's not like the Boulderoulder where you can skip over small You got to start at zero. Yes exactly and and I've built up quite a good following and I think it's still taking off a lot of people are Coming to see the merits of the alpha fingering and lifestyle

What is the alpha fingering and lifestyle? Great question. Anyone wants to make jerky? You got egg jerky. Yeah, that's a great source of protein used to do that's what I've been saying. I love that I got my own pro right here. Oh, it's got your name on it too. Yeah, it's crumbs pro. It's Porcupine and goat oh oh pro. Yeah, that makes sense. There. I'll trade you some pro for some egg jerky There you go. You actually put my name on the egg jerky. Mmm. Scott, there's just like a whole porcupine in that bag. Well, this could be a lot of ensuing sounds in this episode.

Mmm. Yeah, I like chewing dried up eggs. Mmm. Arnie, what were you saying before? I was asking what an alpha-fingerian lifestyle is. I think that Arnie is that right? Yeah, I almost never asked people about their lifestyle, but in this case, I'm interested.

Well, I'm glad you asked Arnie. Well, there's 11 tenants to the Alpha Fingering lifestyle if you'd like to hear about them. Arnie, didn't you say the first tenant was exhausting? You know what? It's impenetrable. Only if you're trying to understand it. Here's the thing about tenants.

If you just enjoy the, there's a bunch of stuff happening, there's a bunch of words, then it's kind of cool. Well, I think after two tenants, you're legally a landlord, which I'm not a big fan of, but I'm willing to listen to all 11 tenants' crom whenever you're ready. All right, number one, eating entire animals. Okay.

So, part of the alpha-figuring lifestyles you use every part of the animal, and the way you use it is by eating it. Okay, and just to be clear, these tenets will not be full sentences. There will be ideas that we can expand on. Okay, all right, that's nice. You allow the listener to contribute. I like this a lot. All right, eat the whole animal. I think we can manage that. I love a rooster's foot. Yeah, but you can't stop at the foot. You need to eat the entire rooster in the feathers as well, because the entire rooster and the feathers as well. Because the nutrients that are in the feathers, there's a lot of people that say,

in the feathers is where you're going to get the most boost to your cognitive function. Oh, you got there. You got there. You got there. You got there. You got there. You got that about rooster feathers or chicken feathers, but I'm willing to try anything. That a boy used to do. Hey, see, you're already checking a box on number one on the Alpha Fingering lifestyle. I'm gonna get you a t-shirt. We can go chunt. Oh, I'm gonna get a t-shirt.

Whoa, you saw it on a t-shirt? I'd like to see that. Oh, he's putting on the t-shirt. Whoa, I saw it. Pretty good? Pretty good, dude. Did you like it? Oh well, I surprise they take off the robe first. It looks weird. It's kind of his robe is

bunching up underneath it, right? Yeah, but I want to take my robe off and let you guys see all the ehchings and carvings I've been doing into my skin. I think it looks great. That's not the ask, but what's the next tenet? Number two is punching things. Okay. So you can't be afraid to punch things. So this could be trees, people. People. I punched a lake. One lake. Why?

Well, it's one of the tenants, honey. Yeah, one. It's one of the tenants. You know, you need to not be afraid to punch things, but I was, I Went in and to get it's get a drink of water from the lake and I looked in and this dude was staring right back at me So I punched him in his face. Oh That's awesome. Are you gonna punch a lake? Is there something that should prompt you to punch things? Should you just punch all things or I or you should just shouldn't be afraid to punch things? If something makes you have feelings or you shouldn't be afraid to punch things.

If something makes you have feelings, you should not be afraid to punch it. Great. Oh, that's great. I love his counts, but moments ago, you said, or you did a stage coach so hard, he didn't have time to scream. Is that count? He did. He did what?

He did a stage coach so hard. And you should say, how hard did he eat? Yeet. Yeah, you can punch him. That counts. Okay, that's what I would have done. Thank you. So in these tenets, a push is a good punch.

We'll get to push you. Oh, okay. Oh, I see. So, punching isn't just like a meant to be a stand-in for all kinds of physical attacks. No, no. So number three is kicking things. Okay. Ooh, Dethanio Kwenjarven would thrive at that.

Oh, can I not to... Yeah, hold. Toilet. Toilet. Not to dwell on punching. I'm so short, typically, as I'm just this tiny little badger, I usually have to punch up. Is that okay, or should I be trying to punch down as well? You know, either one is good in my opinion.

A lot of people will say that you're only supposed to punch up, but I don't think people realize that punching down, you can punch way harder. So I would say go for it. Yeah. The target's are easier to hit. Much easier to hit something below you. Well, why don't we take a minute to see what's below us?

We could punch on and we'll take a quick break and be right back with more of Crom's tenets. After that, not much solid ground. And we're back, and man, I gotta say, punching the, I found some shrimp, some cactus shrimp. Punching those shrimps did not feel good. Punching down feels weird. You sure you're doing it right?

So you gotta make sure that all your fingers are together in a little ball. Okay. Or like a medium sized ball. Let me shape shift my fingers into a medium sized ball. And make sure you really are putting all your weight into it when you punch down. So I'm stopping. So this is the first time you've shapeshifted your hand in that way.

Well, usually it's beads. Oh, for like a party? Let's say yes. Alright, Crom. What is the neck we are on, 10 at three, right? Yeah, kicking things. So that's something you want to make sure you have the ability to do. Like, let's say I'm holding, you know, a drink in one hand and a sandwich in the other hand.

And I want to punch something while I can't really punch with a drink and a sandwich in my hand. So my next best move is booby to kick it. I see. Are these tenets in kind of order of importance then? So it's sort of like you're gonna punch things, but if that's not available to you, you can kick things. Yeah, I think so, but each tenet is important

in its own way. So I don't want you to get stuck on going in and you're not chronological, but numeric order. Chromological order? Chromological order. Yeah, these are in chronological order. Yeah, I think we expect no less. So what if I'm holding a sandwich in a drink

and I've got on really nice shoes? Ooh, that is a great question. Not so much? Yeah, I would say don't be afraid to headbutt in that case, but now we're potentially adding a 12-10-it, which is okay. I've been adding tenants like every few weeks anyways, so I'm just gonna add headbutting down now. Oh, look at that. So you used to know, you made the 12-10-it. Oh, look at that. So you used to do it, you made the 12th tenant. Oh, that's wonderful, off to a dozen, I love it. And what does the word dozen mean?

It's the same as 12. Well, why wouldn't you just say 12? In retrospect, I wish I had. Mm-hm, right. And Kron, before you go any further, I just wanna say, look, I know that I may be subtly making fun of you for making mistakes that honestly, I could make myself. But mostly I just wanna say,, look, I know that I may be subtly making fun of you for making mistakes that honestly I could make myself. But mostly I just want to say, I love you buddy, I'm so glad to see you, it's been so long.

So great to see you, Ronny. I feel the same way. You know, it's, you know, being with my bros is like one of my favorite things. You know, like you guys are my bros and I feel like I can only be myself around you, you know. Oh, is that one of the tenants? Yeah, actually being with your bros is the 11th tenant, so we'll get there. So it's important, but not nearly as important as punching things and kicking things. Correct, yeah.

So you definitely wanna be with your bros, but if someone was like, you can be with them, but I'm gonna take away your ability to punch and kick that I would say, absolutely not. I need to be able to punch, need to be able to kick. So you're coming up with weekend plans, and you're like, can I punch things, can I kick things? No, can I do this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, no, I guess I'm hanging out with my bros. Exactly. And speaking, before we move on from kicking, is it proper etiquettes in the, what was it called, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, is it proper to, before you kickomological order. Cromological order. Is it proper to, before you kick something, say,

can I kick it and then wait for a yes, yes you can and then maybe repeat yourself, can I kick it? Yes you can, that kind of thing, just kind of asking for approval. Yeah, I mean, I'd say that I've said that plenty of times, especially among the Hungarian tribes around here, if they're on a quest, they would definitely, ask, can I kick it?

If the whole tribe is on it, yeah. Yeah, you definitely want to get crumbs sent. Now, how have we talked to crumbs so many times, and we've really not explored how much crumbs name fits so well in so many words? I have no idea what you're talking about. Now, crumbs, I know you said you have what, 10,000 followers?

Yes, but yeah, but that number, I think goes up every single day. So we could be at 11, 12,000 or dozen, thousand by now. Now, how easy would it be for you to yell into the tube, the U-shaped tube, and have those followers, I assume they're all Fingarians, but I don't know. But some large number of them must be who could come and be the security of the Wizard's Choice Awards coming up in an underterm

in number of weeks. But pretty soon, my followers would follow me anywhere. You need help with security at this award show. You got it. Really? Oh, that's easy. Wonderful. Yes, well, Lonnie, turn the cot around and eat the turkey. We're headed home.

OK, look, I'm all for heading home, but I just got to say, if we invite just a bunch of wild fingerians to nibble bottom, is that going to cause any of its own problems? Well, I don't know. I don't know the rest of the tenants. What's the next one? Well, the next one is pretty particular to figureus,

so the fourth tenant is being cold. Be just be cold all the time. Be, yeah, be cold or being cold, yeah. Okay. Who knows the word particular, but not tag? Look, he got there. It's just not on the tip of his yeah. Okay. It knows the word particular, but not tag. Look, he got there. It's just not on the top of his tongue. Okay.

So a clarifying question about this, is it, are you encouraging people to stay cold or just like being cold is like fine? Just be fine with it. Yeah, so being cold, you can't be comfortable all the time. You know, if you want to be a true alpha fingering, you know, if you're warm and cozy all the time, or a little baby wrapped up sitting by the fire at home,

or cozy little baby, you're not going to be an alpha fingering that way. Yes. Can you, Crom, can you, so say I want to do five and eleven? Can I chill with my bros? You mean like, if you do two of them? Yeah, if I was being cold with my bros, I think that was five and 11. No, four, that's four. Four, I'm sorry, okay.

Yeah, so, oh yeah, you can, yeah, if you're, oh, I see what you're saying, yeah. Chill with your bros, yeah, that's good. Four and 11. That's all I wanted, validation. Yeah, four and 11, chill with your bros. If you need any more information. Yeah, 411 Julia Rose. If you need any more information on that, just let me know. I really like to kick it when I'm chilling with my friends.

So I think I'm more of a 311 guy. Oh, that's original. Crom, Crom original. Is that a Crom original? 311? You know I'm down with that. Guys, I'm just gonna be honest. I stopped paying attention for a minute. As soon as I started paying attention,

people were talking about 3'11. Yeah, on you. What kind of guy are you? You are 5'11, you are 3'11. Punch it in, Arnie, punch it in. Punch it in, because we're gonna kick it, get a chill with my bros. I don't know, I'm starting to worry

about being Alpha Fingarian. What it brings up a great question. We still have to hear 5'10. So if there's something wildly problematic I'm sure we'll discover it and then There'll be no issue. We can then you know say to the followers. No, do not do this terrible tenet the crama is created But it's crom we love crom We love crom

It's cool. I put the put is the fish that there is. Shit, it's cropped. It's huge. So adorable. Look, crumb, I want to hear all these tenets. But I also, I'm a little bit of the audience surrogate here. You know, I like to voice the questions that I imagine the listeners are asking themselves right now at this moment.

And I just got to say, aren't these tenets fucking bears? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Arnie, I got to stop you there, bud. I'm going to stop you there. OK, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It, aren't, I gotta stop you there, but. I gotta stop you there. Okay, you're talking about old crom. This is before crom discovered the alpha of Fingering lifestyle. I see.

Yeah, so I know that this year's may know, oh, oh, crom, that's the guy that, you know, fantasized about having sex with bears. Fuck, fuck, fuck, bears, they say. We're in a bear. They, you know, all that stuff, but that's old crop. I actually decided that I didn't want to be that guy anymore, and I want to underwent some conversion therapy.

Oh no. Oh yeah, I don't know how to feel about that, but something I do know how to feel about Arnie. Buddy, this is huge news. Oh my God, this is, you're the audience surrogate. How far along are you? I'm about eight years. A year, eight years.

Eight years, you've been a surrogate? Wow. Yeah, for the audience. Getting a birthday on elephant, baby. I don't know what's going on. Let's get through more of these tenants here, Crom. Okay. Guess you guys didn't want to ask me

about my conversion therapy very much. Um, I do, but I'm also terrified. I understand. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, I mean, am I correct to assuming that these tenants are like, I gotta sit down and write up some things are gonna help me stop fantasizing about bears.

Well, I've seen a lot of, I mean, it's popping up around nibble bottom too. There's a lot of pastures, you know, where cows used to be and animals used to roam, but they're sort of like newer pastures or like youth pastures, where cows used to be in animes used to roam, but they're sort of like newer pastures or like youth pastures. And it seems like they're using that property to try out some. It just seems, I don't want to touch it. Let's say, yeah, I don't want to touch it. And that's exactly where I got my treatment. Was that one of these youth pastures? So you know

about it, Chant. I've seen them. It used to be that their mud would make you youthful, and I think then they turn this into something entirely. It's all weird. It's all weird to be. Yeah, well anyway, just so you know, Crom doesn't like bears. Show me a picture of a bear. It won't bother me at all.

No, I won't be feeling anything. Oh, I have a drawing of a bear right here. Oh, God. Oh, sorry, it's a bear. Why, I have a drawing of a bear right here. Oh God. Oh, sorry. It's Why do you have any clothes? Sometimes I draw bears. Where did you even pull that from? Come on. What do you think? I have pockets canonically loose stools. I am attracted to humans now Oh, can I get that back to to humans now? Sorry, grump. Can I hear you grab that away from me pretty tight? Yeah, yeah, just let me let that picture out for you. Oh, no, nobody's saying anything about throwing it out.

I want that picture. What are you gonna take it? I'll get rid of it for you. Don't worry about it. Folds it up gently, puts in pocket, okay. I'm just gonna put it here in my pants. Whole, what's the thing that you just said pocket? Just try to, just try to say pocket. Just say pocket pocket you don't know what I heard that's true that's fair

that reminds me what's the next tenet now the fifth tenet digging holes okay yeah if you want to be an alpha fingering you need to know how to dig a hole well I mean this whole episode feels like we might be doing that. So especially with the youth pastors. Well, look, I got to talk about these youth pastors a little bit more. I'm sure there's some great youth pastors. So cool ones. Yeah. But I got to say they keep the all they all talk about how you should be fucking bears. And then you turn around and there's all kinds of bears in those pastures. Nine times out of ten, right? Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. And hey, just enjoy it. Just like if you want to,

if you want to love a bear, love a bear. Cram, it's fine if you want to love a bear. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I've done a lot of work here on that. So, sorry, I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to influence you. I'm just saying like whatever people want to do, it's their business, it's their lives. As long as no one's being hurt, and no one's being mulled by a bear, eh, they're gonna have everything's fine. Oh, that's weird.

I do miss bears. Interesting, cause Krom, I'm looking over at your sort of collection of boulders over there, and it looks like a bear in a bikini just kind of peaked out and then hit back behind the boulder. Uh, hmm. Don't know how that bear got a bikini on. So you do know the bear. Yeah, oh yeah, I know that's Lucy.

Yeah, I know her. But anyway, digging holes, back to digging holes. Now again, sort of like the being cold thing, is this like you need to dig a certain amount of holes every day or is it just like don't be afraid to dig a hole when you need to like be lower than the surface of the planet? Yeah, I think it's more the the second one there. You just need, it's a skill everyone needs to have because having a hole can come in handy in so many situations. You need to be able to dig a good hole when you need it.

I keep saying that. So, so, Chrome, I can dig it. Chill out, punch it in, let's kick it. We're broke. Oh yeah, so 5, 11, or it would be digging it with your bros? Dig it with your bros. We're just digging in chill with your bros. Yeah, yeah.

If I like it, it makes sense. Real quick, before we take a break, shouldn't we hear number six? It's number six is stretching. you gotta stretch. You gotta stretch Yeah, especially after digging a hole or punching or kicking I know it's so important I know we got to go to break, but also you gotta stretch you gotta stretch it out and we'll be right back after no No, you got I know I know I know I know it's like we're going to break, but you just, we're just trying to pull something. Arnie's trying to pull something.

Stretch before the thing or after the thing, it doesn't matter, just as long as you get that stretch in. And we are going to... Brains? Stretch before this breaking, gotta get the stretch in. We got some stretching. We got some stretching. Ah. But it's possible to stretch. Yeah, let's stretch it. Yeah, let's stretch it. Yeah, let's stretch it.

Oh, it's possible to stretch too much, ads. Well, Lonnie, if you don't like egg jerky, there must be something in here for you to eat. There's some roosters feet. Oh, I have some nutcorns. Oh, that's here. There's a pickled fish face. Oh, no. Crown, what do you got? To eat. Oh, you got a bag of pork you buy, and'm not sure. There's a pickled fish face. Oh, no.

Crown, what do you got to eat? You got a bag of pork you buy, and that's right. Yeah, let's see. I got some leftovers from I went out to eat the other night. Oh, what leftovers? Yeah, this looks like a raw steak that I got. You guys ever go to the albuve steak tits? Oh, yeah, I've been there. What, wait, I'm sorry. that I got. You guys ever go to outboop stick tits?

Oh, yeah, I've been there. What wait, I'm sorry. I'm not sure I heard that correctly. What what is this place? Out boop stick tits. Oh, it's like a themed restaurant, right? Yeah. Outboop stick tits. Yeah, aren't you? You say it. Scream it. Out boop stick tits. It's faster. Yeah, that's it. That's why I'm faster. Out boop stick tits. Nope. Out boop stick tits. Out boop sticktits. It's faster, you have to say it faster. Out boop, sticktits. Nope. Out boop, sticktits.

Out boop, sticktits. Out boop, sticktits. Out boop, sticktits. Okay, and of course that makes perfect sense. Right, so this is a raw, you know, a very rare, we should say, very, very rare, steak that got there and you gotta get their blooming. Boosums?

Boosums, bloom and boosums too. So good. Is this like? Blumen bosoms too. So good. Huh, is this like a theme restaurant? Oh yeah. I can never remember, is it them that have the blooming bosoms or do they have the blossom? The blossom blossom. Yes, that's it.

I can't remember which one's where? They have the blooming bosoms. Okay. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Well then what place has the awesome prosum? Could be apple boobs. Could be chitties. Or chitties too, I know one of those. Anyway, the theme of this restaurant is that all of the weight staff are women. Let's just say that on these women, the size of the top half of their t-shirt is a full medium. Wait, the top half of their t-shirt has a size.

Top half of their t-shirt. Full medium, so they just ate. I can't speak to their eating habits, but yeah. I am not sure he understands how t-shirts work. Well, I'm not going to buy any merch from him after hearing a comment like that. Oh, we got to get it out to spooped it's whatever it was. There's three in Fingaria. I can, you know, you got to go. It's three?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you have an olive titties? Sorry. I love titties. This is what I wanted to say. That's all you wanted to say. You just wanted to announce that?

Yeah. Sometimes I just, sometimes I just want to squeeze and a little thing Just say just say say my piece. I get it. I do that all the time Is that I was confused that one with booby Tuesdays. Oh booby Tuesdays is so good And it's based on that song or any did you know that now what song? I don't know the song. I just know it's based on the song Speaking of shirts you see where I feel like I got you the wrong size. Can I just look at the collar the Information on the back of the collar

This is the tag. Oh, yeah, I gotta get let me get I'm gonna get you another size up You must be working out you got so you're a little bulky under there. Yeah, let me get this off Yeah, you can see under my robe now. You can see all these things I've been carving into my skin, all these sigils and signs. Oh, I don't want to talk about it. Oh, so you've been working on your brand too. Well, this is more of like a protective sigils I've been drawing all over my body to prepare for the wizard's choice of it. Oh, to protect your body? Yeah, shit's gonna get crazy. What about my body? Oh, shit's gonna get crazy. Well, what about my body? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We'll get you a hat or something.

Arnie, the way he's said, oh, yeah, real high makes me think he hasn't thought about us at all. We get, you'll be safe. I mean, as long as we have the, you know, me and the other 10,000 fingerians there. I'm sure that we'll be able to keep things under control. Yeah, yeah. I think we'll be fine. Crom, Crom. Can I just talk to you over here for a second? Yeah.

I think Arnie and Chump think they're coming to the Wizard's Choice Awards. Oh. But are they Wizards? No. Clear, they not. Oh, then they wouldn't be invited at all. Right.

Arnie, Arnie, yeah? I can't tell what their whispering about, but I'm pretty sure I heard Wizard Choice Awards again. I'm gonna try something. Three, two, one, skip ad. Skip. He keeps advertising for the Wizard Choice Awards. I just wanna try and skip. He's talking about it again.

I can't. Yeah, we can't do that in real life. It's just in the podcast. Let me flag this here. I have a flag in my pocket. Hello, with this flag. Hello. Oh, look.

Flag. Stop whispering over there. Oh, sorry. I mean to be rude at my pocket. Hello, we have this flag. Hello. Oh, look, flag. Stop whispering over there. Oh, sorry. I mean to be rude at my apologies. Yeah, you could come, probably. Yeah, you could, you know, you'll have to work it out with security, you know, where you'll be able to stand or sit. Exactly.

Can I ask, what kind of relationship do you have with these tube followers? One way, I just talk into the tube. And I know that they're listening sometimes to tap on the tube, that's how I know that they're there. But really, it's just me talking to them and they hear the things that I'm saying. If you ever get sick of hearing somebody tap on the tube,

do not go see the blue men. All they do is tap on the tube. It gets, it is sensory overlooked. Okay, so you have this sort of crominity of followers. Do you ever give like crominion? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Sometimes I'll pour things down the tube,

but that's what you mean, like I'll pour blood down the tube if that's you mean like I'll pour Blood down the tube and they can drink it out of the holes in the tube. Huh. Yeah, it's not my blood. No, no Yeah, it's an animal's blood and a little bit of it is my blood actually Well, you're using all the animal that's smart. That's I think ten at number one exact. Yeah, chug you're listening Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're you're you're on your way to a t-shirt, my friend. Oh, guys, should we? Consider something like this for the Patreon, where fluids come with the content. Well, I actually kind of want to do an out-boob steak

tits Patreon. Maybe you just said hello, how would sit there? Oh, though. I feel like the last time we talked about this in an episode, then we actually did have to do a Patreon episode of the thing. It's a blessing in a curse. Speaking of curses, you, during the Wizard Choice Awards,

will you be live and casting spells? Can you live cast? Sure, I can live cast. I can certainly do a lot of prep work too, and we could certainly have some well-crafted spells assuming that all the pre-production work can happen and all the components are assembled beforehand. I just want to make sure that everyone's being paid fairly and everyone has an opportunity to contribute to all those spells.

If you happen to watch me live, cast, feel free to donate a little something to make sure that we can share that around. Skip at three to one. Skip at, sorry, I'm just trying something. Crom, rest of the tenants real quick. Here we go. As fast as you can.

Number seven, disagreeing for no reason. No, why? You have to do it. I won't. If you want to be an alpha-fingering. Doesn't make sense. You're not, you don't, you have to do it. I won't you want to be an alpha-fingarian doesn't make sense You're not you don't you need to disagree chunk you should or listen to me. You need sorry I know I can't do it. You can't tell me what I heard. I learned that from you. You don't know what I heard

We learned it from watching you. We learned it from watching you Crab. Chunk. Here's your t-shirt. You were a did buddy Yes, you're a teacher. I think he's trying to hear one of these t-shirts and Arnie here you go You spilled a little something on your chin there. I think you just use this t-shirts. Nice job. I think he's trying to hear one of these t-shirts. And Arnie, here you go. You spilled a little something on your chin there. I think you just use this t-shirt like that. I'm okay, but thank you. Number eight, throwing things. Okay, so you need to be able to throw things, things you don't like.

You want to throw them away from you as far as you can throw them. Arnie, look, I'm over here. Oh, Chant, good job. I hate my boss, is that? I'm gonna go for a life. I thought you were hiding behind the boulder for a I'm over here. Oh, chant, good job. I hate my boss is throwing your voice. I thought you were hiding behind the boulder for a second chant. That was very good. No, that's the bear of the bikini. Stop looking over there. Next you can just keep spumping out of her bikini.

Now, you said eventually we were going to get to pushing is throwing just pushing without letting go. Uh, well, wait, throwing is throwing is pushing with letting go, right? You push and let go. Oh, sorry, I have to disagree. I have to disagree. Throwing without letting go. Yes.

I have to disagree. Grabbing is reverse pushing. Okay, so I might need to add a 13th tenant for grabbing. Okay. Okay, we had eight was throwing things. Nine is pushing things. Right. But now that I think about it, maybe eight and nine are reversed because it does feel like throwing is pushing things. Right. But now that I think about it, maybe eight and nine are reversed

because it does feel like throwing his pushing. Now it doesn't seem like tenet. Ha ha, eight, nine. Ha ha ha, eighty-five. Ha ha ha, nice. Okay, number ten, firm handshakes. Okay. Firm handshakes, okay.

If you want to, again, be in living that alpha-figurian lifestyle, be a confident masculine male, you need to have a farmhand shake. Let's see yours, Arnie. Let's see yours. Sure, I guess. Arnie. Arnie.

That's just your huge. First of all, how wet are your palms right now? I mean, is that a rhetorical question? Yeah, they're wet. They're very, very wet. They're very wet. I guess just kind of this conversation is giving you a little bit of anxiety

because I want to somewhere you and wherever you've got going on, Crumb, but I also, some stuff seems, how is it making you happy? Uh... Yeah, when I do all these things, I feel... He's looking at the bear. Strong, I feel...

masculine and powerful, and therefore I must be happy. Well, wait, well no, those things don't necessarily track. I mean, certainly those things might be part of being happy, but they aren't indicative of insured happiness. Crom, are you happy right now? Well, we're getting to 10 and 11, and I'm happy because I'm being with my bros right now. I feel like it's number 11, right?

So I feel, Crom number 11, right? Yeah. So I feel... Crime, you were kind of the biggest toughest, most masculine person I've ever met. I don't understand why you feel like you need to pretend to be more of that than you just naturally are. Look, when I was removed from my throne as the King of Fingaria, that was one of the most humiliating, humiliating things I had ever suffered in my life. And then you bought that sentence too on time. It doesn't know the word tag. Well, Chut knows your pain. He was once king of the Badgers.

Oh, yeah. That was a tough, tough time. Tough, tough, tough, tough, being king or tough, not being king. Both. It's, you know, when you are king, it feels like the crown weighs so heavy on your head. Well, that one was made up of Peter, so it was pretty, pretty hefty. And then when you're not king, it's tough to be like, oh wait, I, you know, I used to have some sort of responsibility and felt like I had a purpose in life, and now maybe that's gone the way of the dodo.

Well. And you know, once I got caught pooping standing up once, and I'm still a role model to hundreds of thousands of people on multiple worlds. Very relatable. Did you think of poop because I said dodo? Wow. Actually, pooping standing up sounds pretty alpha-fingarian to me. I think you found your 14.

14. Yep. Why are we adding I think to this list. Well, I have to say, when I lost my crown up here in the brutal winters of Fingeria, well then I was not king. I was not king cold. Oh, man.

But were you a marial soul? Nah, I was not a marial soul. Oh, that is not I. That's unforgettable. I would not forget that. But being with you guys, this is the first time anyone's really asked about my feelings in a long time. I do care about your feelings, Crom, but there is one plot point I want to clarify here. Are you not the king because you lost your crown in the snow? clarify here, are you not the king because you lost your crown in the snow? Where could help you find it, man? There's no way. If you, I have looked everywhere for this crown.

There's no way you're going to find it in the snow, all right? Okay. Let's have some kind of metal div finder. A magnet. A what? A magnet. Uh, don't know how to do this. I was work. Well, add to your, your 15th 10th, I guess, is magnets. How do those work?

You're saying fucking magnets. How do those work? You know, also, I have a plot point as well, Crom. You said you're no longer laying down with bears. That bikini bear just popped out again and she's holding up a sign that says, fuck now, question mark. You're fucking that bear. Alright, alright. Yes. you're fucking that bear. All right, all right.

Yes, I'm fucking that bear. Is that what you want me to say? Yes, embrace it, that's fine. It felt really good to say that out loud just now. Good, good, good. I don't know if I'm ready to yell it on YouTube, sure, but I feel comfortable saying it to you guys. Well, do you worry your followers wouldn't appreciate the real you?

Uh, yeah, I think, you know, I want to really... He's crying. I feel like it's so hard to be crammed. Oh. You save this for the apology, uh... Save this for the apology run when you run through the tube. Okay, that might be a good idea. It's just been hard being crumb and a lot of expectations.

The strongest man in all of Fingeria and you know, it's okay. I just feel like it's a lot to live up to. It's a lot of pressure. I get it. I'm the like it's a lot to live up to. It's a lot of pressure. Mm-hmm. Sure. I get it. I'm the greatest warrior in all of them. And it's something I struggle with too. You are with that handshake?

It's not like being the greatest warrior is more than just handshake-based. Prove, eat some of this egg jerky. If you're the greatest warrior, you'll eat some of this egg jerky. If you're the greatest warrior, you'll eat some of this egg jerky. And I wanna really hear you chewing. Our listeners wouldn't appreciate that. You know, some, you know, why wouldn't the greatest warrior spare people

from hearing those sounds? Oh, you would rescue them from those sounds, I see. Promp look, it's okay to have a list of intentions and things you wanna do to work on bettering yourself? I just want you to be happy. I want to support you in whatever way we can. But can you also support us? Would you be willing to come to Niveau Bottom with us and joining our security team? Absolutely. And is it okay if I bring just a few bears?

Of course, yeah, that's fine. Absolutely. Although, and yeah, that's fine. Absolutely. Although, look, I, I, yes, but also, should we ask how many? How many are we talking? Yeah, how many is a few? Well, we all know what a few is, right? Like 60 or 70 bears. Wow. I think that's still fine, though. It's, it seems like a lot. I wouldn't have said few personally. I would have said many. But if it's a few good bears then I think we can absolutely use them. Hey look there's actually more bears behind that boulder. From some of those bears are like running around and they'll like place their hand on one of the bears and then it seems like the other bear is it and that bear

tries to sort of touch another bear. What are they doing? Do you know what that game's called? tries to sort of touch another bear, what are they doing? Do you know what that game's called? Yeah, it's called run and touch the bear. Oh, Krull. You know what now that I look closer to this boulder, is this a bunch of bears like rolling to a ball? Yeah, it is a bear ball. What a wonderful day this has been.

Finally, the security force for our wizards choice awards has been procured. And I have only but one caveat for you, Kram. You can't punch down when you're at the security for the wizards choice award. You have to punch up because of all the fucking fire bats. Great. And also, if I need to punch something that's too far down,

I can just dig a hole, stay in the hole hole and punch up at it. There you go. Joe. I just kicking. Yeah All right bears you can get out of that boulder shape now Upbound into the ground. I found it ground. Oh was it inside the bear ball? Unbelievable Cromwell I lost it was Not a big ball of bears I've been fucking. It's always the last place you look. Let me be the first to say if you haven't found yourself at the center of a bear ball.

You're not in a position to understand any of Truman Capote's writing. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfi. Check out Adolf's new podcast, The Word Association, where he's found new people to interrupt, wherever you find podcasts. Crom the Fingarian was played by Mark Frederick. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Curtis H. Marcus Lithle, Taylor Cousins, Alex First, Amy Cozy, Robert Tucker, Cam Drowan, Mark Napoli, Hans Magnus Victor Adelius Ludwigson, may you never get anything monogrammed Hans, George Ergott, Justin J. Bowen, Mike Lee, Jake Senthuff, and Oli Levoix Gendrow.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalogue including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. We just dropped the first episode of Season 2 of Shadow City, DMed by Anthony Birch of Dungeons and Datties. Can't stand the first, can't say no to the second. Enjoy this clip. Before we reveal where we are, is it worth, Arnie, I think you're probably the tiniest of us, is it worth having reassembled the Cougars outfit

to where you can pretend to be the new cougar, like you were, you know, you're as cousin or something. You can absolutely do that. Yeah, I could do that. I was thinking either I would do that or be dressed as a baby. Well, now I gotta go baby.

Maybe fuck the cougar plan. Maybe who cares? Maybe, pick, maybe punches is the cougar. What if you're baby cougar? Baby cougar. And that's a new thing. It's almost like when the, when it's sometimes in the Dalai Lama,

like a four year old or something, and they all have to like wait around to be like, well, let's wait to worship him or something. Like, that sounds right. Look, in a comic book world, there's gonna be a baby version of every year. It was super boy. Yeah, I'm baby cooger.

And as I remember from last season, I have a lock pick that works if I can answer trivia questions from the lock. So I believe while Ma is distracting the shop owner, I am trying to pick the lock from the back alley lock to get in the back of the place. Where the truck just pulled up? Where the truck just pulled up? Arnie's MMO is two things. Arnie's M. is two things. One, to use all his items immediately, two, to try and go to jail.

So yeah, the truck pulls up and they see you, so they see you working on the lock, instantly, because you're not hiding. Despite the fact that you were trying to use the cover of this parade, just like a way you managed to get, you managed to improv that, hey, there's aney, so you're isolated and they can see just you picking the lock of the store. So your thing is, no one would notice anything happening at the front of the store.

Correct. And I have picked the one place where people would clearly see what I'm doing, which is the back of the store. Yeah, which is the back in an alley. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffa. Post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic tavern theme by Andy Poland.