Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 86 - Momo Visits

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

Momo, the Mouse with Human Strength, is determined to be hired as security for the Wizard Choice Awards.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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you'll find a collection of NPR episodes centered on the Black Experience. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths, wherever you get podcasts. in PR Black Stories, Black Truths, wherever you get podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, but it does play a small part in my ongoing science experiment, titled Audio. What is it? Why can't we see it, and how do we put an end to it?

And no, the solution cannot be found in the film A Quiet Place, which is not a documentary and also considering its title, John Krasinski short as managed to sneak a few words in. I will admit I have not seen A Quiet Place 2 or the upcoming A Quiet Place 3 we've added minions. But I've heard good things, ironically enough. Now, if you're ready for some seemingly indestructible audio, then sit back and enjoy the show. Oh, damn it. Why is all this stuff at our table? Yep, Chuck, use it or help me move some of these boxes. Oh, I'll be very careful. These are filled with wonderful magical items. The likes of which

shall fill your hearts with fear and delight. Okay, we'll get to that in a second. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host, aren't you? Can't believe it. Can't believe it. I need that one, though. The little one, the blue one. Okay, here it is. Oh, a history, a little blue box. Did you order something? Oh, yes, uh, chunt. Look down on me.

Chunt? Will you be my plus one to the wizard's choice of woods? Oh my goddesses, oh my goddesses. Oh, I knew this was coming. I mean, I hope this was coming. I mean, he's sort of kind of talked about it, so I guess I wasn't fully surprised, but, huh. He didn't say how he'd do it, or where a million times yes.

No, wonderful. What a wonderful day this is. Arnie, will you be my plus two to the Wizard's Choice Awards? Uh, yeah. Sorry, I'm just distracted. I'm gonna have to... Special, though. Oh, you're the plus one, though. That okay, but two is more than one.

Well, it's also at number two. I guess I'm going through Butthole Logic. Which I tend to do? True. Sorry, I'm a little distracted. I'm just thinking about how I'm gonna have to edit out all of those 1,000 times that Chant said yes. I think I'll just keep the very last one. Well, that's just what I say 1,000 times yes.

I know, but- I was counting you a 1 time yes. 2 times yes. 3 times yes. F***. A million times yes I can. Leave that all in. Oh, it's tomorrow.

You guys are still here. Oh, you said, are you in moving these boxes all night? Yes, we yes, cleared the table off. Hundreds of boxes arrived. Oh, it was, it was, it was just counting as ass off. It was hours ago, but I think I was that if you've never listened to podcasts before, this is everything you need to know. Over eight years ago, I found through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Strange Familiar,

in the town of nibble bottom, at the base of the enamel mountain, soon to be the location of the Wizards Choice Awards in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined out. Arnie, we forgot to tell you, in one of the, anytime you get more than one box in Foon, one of them will always contain magical Jack. And we found that motherfucker. He popped out, we grabbed him.

You saw him made him into a bookmark, so if you ever need a bookmark, but you, at some point, Ar point already you have to meet magical jack Okay, so what you're saying is a person inside one of these boxes? Well every time you get some boxes, there's a magical Jack in there. Okay, it sounds gross I mean it seems I don't know what you're not understanding about. Yeah, sorry Uh, Arnie I thought this would be big big news, but um never mind. No, I guess I guess you're used to magic now So fuck me. me yeah let's

wh-whatever the introduction was. It's very simple every time you get some packages magical jack is inside and if you catch him you can show them into whatever you want I tried to them into a bookmark this time. Arnie huh. Blink if that makes sense. Okay. I don't think he's getting it. He's staring lightly into the... Keep guys. He keeps my eyes this open. Now, I think of it this way. Imagine you got a bunch of boxes, right? Mm-hmm. Which I don't have to imagine because when we were gone, a shit ton of these boxes got delivered to the strange familiar right for the Wizard's Choice Awards. Yes, right. Not for you. But imagine you got a bunch of boxes. They all said Not for you, but imagine if you got a bunch of boxes, they all said,

awnee, knee camp on them. And then you open them up. You do realize knee is not my middle name. Huh? What? Arnee. Arnee camp. Arnee camp.

Knee knee. Arnee camp. Knee camp. Arnee, knee camp. Huh. Fff. Ooh, I have a lot of birthday cards. I need to see already when you have a chance because I just need to update something Okay, also, John I've been meeting to tell you I don't have a million birthdays a year

Will you told me you do? Well, I thought I'd get more gifts a Billion times fuck you oh Oh my gosh, you said or come Use it or come back over here. Come back over here. Did we miss it? Did we miss a week? Almost. We're gonna have to do a fast turnaround on this episode.

It's gonna be hard for me to edit all that stuff out. So what are we talking about? This is the Wizard's Choice Awards is coming up. All of these boxes are full of magical stuff. Oh yes. All sorts of spheres and orbs and crystals and geodes Huh what why so we can do magic stuff at the Wizards Choice Awards. What do you think? Yeah? It's table-setting Arnie. You can't just have a bare table. There are staves and wands and owls and mice and frogs

Meal worms dessert worms, desecrated bones, undeccrated bones. How do you desecrate those bones exactly? Well, I end up with lots of ways to desecrate a bone, but if you really wanna do it right, the best way is to just shit in a grave. Oh, and one of the boxes contains something

for my new bar, Lucens. Arnie, as we were talking to Crom, and he mentioned Outboob Stake Tids, which is by far the thing I've ever said on this podcast, I was thinking that Lucens should have a restaurant connected to it because you know I'm a bit of a gourmand. And I thought we could call it Book of the Buttholes. Okay.

Arnie, how do you like that? Book of the Buttholes. Oh, I kind of do like it. I feel like I would like saying it, but I don't like hearing it. Can you say it just so I can hear you saying it? Buka debuts holes? Beautiful. Now do you like hearing it, John?

It's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. Buka debuts holes. You sir, would you mind screaming it? Buka debuts holes. I am crying from joy. I should specify from joy, from joy. I should specify from joy. Now, Arnie, I should remind you of the difference between a gourmand and a gourd. Remember, Chant is a gourmand. He likes food. A pumpkin is a gourd.

I see. You just eat it, you won't blink again. You just stare enough. And gourd, our mand, is a Gord named Armand. You know that handsome pumpkin? He is handsome, isn't he? He is so, his looks like an Armand. So Bukit Abutholz, is that gonna be a topless bar? Uh, well, you know what?

What part make the breadsticks topless? Because people like that. You know, he goes somewhere where they're like, Breadsticks are topless. No, no, no. No, I'm so sorry, my son misunderstood. Is it gonna be... A roof?

A topless bar. Top is so... A soda roof. Like, top is. Like a top is bar. Top is. Okay, um, looking at Yusudor, uh, he also looks confused, Arnie. I don't know.

We all know what top pass is, but, uh, for the listeners, why don't you explain top pass something? Of course, Yusudor, I know. What is? I know what it is. I know everything about it. I just, you share plates. Okay. Should I ever have their own plate?

So you take turns eating. Okay, so it turns an hour long meal until like an eight hour long meal. Okay, pretending to write down, actually doodling. Arnie, this is good, this is good, I'll use this. And Arnie, you actually inspired me to open Bukit Abut holes because you talked about an item on Earth that people love, you said it's kind of like

deep fried chewy buttholes, you said it was called Kaila Mari. Yeah, well yeah, I was saying Kaila Mari is oftentimes actually just pig anises but people don't realize it. Oh, well, I actually kind of like just calling it pig anises, so it'll change that name. Can you imagine how awkward that would be? You're on a date, you say, hey, I actually kind of like just calling it pig-ing, this is a little change that name. Can you imagine how awkward that would be? You're on a date, you say, hey, I just met you,

and this is crazy, here's some Calibari. Yeah! No, first of all, that doodle looks just like Armand, very good. Oh, yes, yes. Secondly, is it necessary to have a full menu of nothing but but-hole-related items? very good. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, to be. Huh. I figured you two would be against my buttholean restaurant, which is why I brought some backup. Let me shift to the side and reveal my restaurant partner. 999, the 1,000. Hey fellas, just doing my push-ups.

What's up, Chant? Oh. Me, Mama. Not much. Hey, Mama, thank you for waiting a whole week for me to step aside. That was really cool with you. I'm hungry. Oh, Mama, it's Mama.

The mess of human strength. It's from the mouse. Hello, Momo. Can I get you some cheese or some other food that mice enjoy? Please do, Yusidor. You know what? Mama doesn't just have human strength anymore.

What? Mama has strong human strength. You see, Momo's been focusing on her fitness as you can tell by these muscles. Muscle. Muscle? This is a good one. Oh, yeah. Oh, this.

I've been in the gym like six hours a day. Nothing but protein. That can't be good for you. Pushing some muscle groups, pulling, some other muscle groups, you know. That's not good. Even pushing on your muscles? Yeah, like look. Ooh.

Ooh. Okay. I mean, they are moving around. I have to admit, it's pretty impressive. She's sliding her bicep down to her wrist and then up to her neck. If you don't know my synonymy, just say so. Hey, this one, you might have some dangerous fluid under your skin. I think you have a goiter. Sterilite. There's one thing on sterilite.

Don't tell anyone. Hang on to that goiter. Well, I get you some goota. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really hurting. I know. He just suddenly decided it's funny to hear him out. I get it. I don't know. I'm laughing. I get it. Do you ever think it's funny to hear him out? Yeah.

I mean, what? No. Like, what is this, right? I'm so much smaller than you guys. It's insane. It's obviously pretty weird. It's not. Yeah.

Okay. It's got him. I'm sorry to get it. say. It's obviously pretty weird. It's not, yeah. It's okay, it's got money. I'm sorry. Yeah. It is very funny, it's very funny. Anyway, is Chad, were you talking about our restaurant idea? Yes, we were talking about Bukutabut holes. Momo, would you mind saying it aloud? Bukutabut holes. And Chad, unfortunately, I don't have the funds anymore

to have fun with you. I, that money that I was gonna give to a restaurant is now spoken for. What the fun is, Momo? Wait, John, you're charging people to have fun with you? Yes, you're a fun institute. Well, I think there's better names for it, Arnie. Yeah. Okay, well, it's here one.

What's a little pay to play, I guess, is a better turn. Okay, fuck. Fuck. Momo, um, you know what? Ultimately, let's hear one. Let's a little pay to play, I guess, is a better turn. Okay, fuck. Fuck. Momo, you know what, ultimately that's fine. That's your choice to make, but would you still give some creative input and direction? Too busy, I have opened.

Da-da-da, muscles by Momo. What the fuck? It's a gym for rodents and reptiles and everything in between. She put out a little diorama box and it looks like it's a restaurant as well and you serve mussels. Mm-hmm. What the fuck, Mamo?

That's exactly what you want after a workout. It's some mussels cooked in a red wine with some heavy bread and butter. Everyone's gonna love it. And by the way, it's a diorama to you but it's a normal size building to you. Oh, this is way older. This is the actual this is the place. Oh, I'm sorry I thought those are cardboard cutouts. Those are people are actually inside. If folks I am so sorry You thought that this was sort of like my die a robber to sort of show what like the blue prints of what it's gonna be

Of course, this is it muscles my mom. Oh to be. Of course this is it. Muscle's my mummo. Yeah fuck off. I'm having a great time here. Oh a little cockroach. Cockroach. What's your name? My name's Randy the Cockroach. Huh. He always leaves the equipment. Oh, sweaty. Look, you know what? You're really asshole. You know that? Because I've been saying, you know, this place is for everything between nice and reptiles. And they were nice enough to let me go to here because I'm definitely below a mouse.

If I'm not in the run, I don't fall into that spectrum and I was very nice to them. Let me eat here. Randy, you're insufferable and I love you. Can I be too? I love you, Randy. I love you, my mom. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I'm really fucking loving that. I'm clearly fucking that grub at the other table, right? Right? Am I crazy? There's a lot going on inside this restaurant and slash it.

My business, John. Well, a moment I gotta say. Oh, this guy. You got to say that's a great idea. Well, thanks, Yusudor. And you know what, Arnie? Yeah? Yusudor.

Mm-hmm. In that order. No. I'm a little offended. Oh, no. No, I got better life. I thought. See, you were mad for a second, you used to know.

But I'm the least mad at you, and I don't know why. But here's the issue. I heard, do the great fine, the literal great fine, that sort of connects the entire town. You guys are looking for security. What is it, the wizard? The wizard choice award. The wizard choice award? Yes, I just figured you were too busy You have so many things going on in your life

You know if you're traveling about and your your business ventures and working out and such But I would be honored if you enjoy an all-written who of heroes who shall protect those who join all retinue of heroes who shall protect those who Embude this world with its magical properties and have this one night to celebrate their grand mystical achievements Why don't you think of me at first? Is it because I'm using momos too small to protect you? You think momo can't protect all three of you at the same time? No, I just like you're a busy. I always figured you had a full schedule of just having anxiety.

Clearly you made a gym-slash restaurant, so you were pretty busy. Not too busy to protect my friends. No one is stronger than Momo. Momo had Momo's human strength, but now Momo has the strength of a man who just went through a breakup four months ago. Momo is crazy strong. Oh, watch this. See ya!

Oh, she took the diorama in half. Wait, that's the diorama. Oh no, that's the restaurant. Oh, the restaurant. I'm sorry, the restaurant. Cut random. They'll be fine. Yeah, cockroaches are aren't, in phone?

Cockroaches are surprisingly hard to kill. Even if you cut them in a half? Not that, might do it actually. Hey fellas, give me a test. Test how strong I am. I'll pass any test, and if I pass your test, then I get to secure you at the Wizarding Choice Awards. Okay, cute chunt.

What? That's not a test of strength. No, but it is a test. Let's see if she does it No, but it is a test. Let's see if it's real. I just want to see what happens. Yeah. It's a test of speed, not strength.

Whoa, you close that gap real fast. If I had a knife on me, it would be in your chest. Oh, very terrifying. Why don't we, with Momo's permission, of course, why don't we go to a quick break and when we come back, we'll see, we'll chunt survive. Next time, well, I guess it's not next time, it's same time. After the same time. Unless then I start counting again.

Look, Momo, I just want you to know that if everything I've heard about the Wizards' choice of warrants, it could be kind of dangerous because there's not just gonna be all kinds of wizards, but we need protection because like lots of evil stuff might be coming here because they want to steal the wizard stuff. That's all true, and it's not just the outside forces exacting their vengeance upon us and seeking our mystical artifacts. It's also the dangerous shit

that we're gonna be doing inside there too. Dangerous man middle name. Well, no. Technically my middle name is Ne. Oh, I didn't know this one. Oh, I need to see the perfect person. Mo. What the?

Mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo, mo You're very strong, very powerful. You think I'm scared of a couple of nerdy wizards with their books? Well, Momo, there is another test we can give you to see if you're a good fit for this. It's not necessarily a test of strength. It's the same test that I recently gave to, do you know, Om Om the rat? I'm familiar, I get a lot of her mail.

Of course, Om Om the rat with human inner strength. Yeah, I know her. Hi, you're not my, your head dropped, what's wrong? No, it's fine, I know her. We have the same therapist, my therapist clearly prefers her, it's fine. How, how can we know that? The hike here, the laughing and sort of celebrating all the time.

I'm sort of abominant of my therapist, doesn't matter. Do you go to I-Oms therapy sessions and put your ear up to the door? Why assume your session is just right after Um-Oms and you're just hearing them while you're in the waiting room? Yeah, yeah, my session's right after Um-Oms and I'm just hearing them in the waiting room. Are they in relation to No-No,

the mouse with human boundaries? I know her too. You're correct. I keep trying to hang out with her during her work, busy season, she's an accountant, and she says, I can't right now, I'm sure I heard to my feelings would take it personally. Why haven't we ever had a mom on No No on the show?

Why would you want them on the show? Well, I know. Why would you want them on the show? Use it, or? Sorry, sorry. Do you think they're available? Well, I remember asking Am Am, and the morning that she was supposed to record with us,

she showed up with a broken foot, and she was shaking real bad and said, I had something come up, and then ran away crying, and then I feel like we're talking to No No. She showed up the morning gov, and had two broken thumbs and said Said no no, I can't do it and then under her breath said Momo. I don't know what that was about. So that's crazy Yeah

Ever since I started taking these steroids. I think some crazy stuff has been happening But that's cool. I take a lot of things and I know that crazy things happen when you take a lot of things So have you talked to someone about this? Is there someone? Are you a double therapist? Do you have an extra therapist? Yeah, I got a spare good a spare pith and my therapist saying things like Mom, you never used to call wizards nerds. Yeah, that hurt. Yeah, and their grim was not books. Well, you're not really helping me so much. You can talk like that. I'm like, doesn't matter.

I'm trying to be better. But Momo, you know what? Everyone was walking all over Momo before. Momo is sort of the laugh of the party. But now. It was so very small. Yeah, I'm so, you're just right under foot. John, you were like the second smallest being here. That's sure, but I still, I mean, I'm probably three times four times your size.

Hey, what am I? Oh, the front half of Randy. Where are you fucking small, you know? You're only half as big as you were before. Oh, he's trying, he's trying to like put his bottom half back on and he's just kind of holding it there. I think he got to let it go buddy. It's like trying to get on pants that are two sizes too small. Hey, my daughter bottom half. You're not high school anymore but the days of having a behind or behind your Andy let it go buddy and also PS your wife is fucking that grub. Ah, I did. Too bad, anyway.

I just saw his eyes open. He's still, he's watching us to make sure we're sad. He's a bearer or something. Arnie, you said that I'm very, very small. And this is what I mean. I think I'm being underestimated at a return in this friend group. We are four very close friends.

Sure. We're a classic four. You introduced me at the beginning of every episode. And I just feel like I haven't been able to prove myself. What? And I'm so sorry, Momo. We've had you on so many times. I guess I didn't realize you do understand

we do other episodes that you're not in. But I'll say you're here. I already know. But you guys, you don't hear me? What do you? Wait, Momo, are you saying you're here more than like once or twice a year? Oh my God. I have everything starting to make sense.

Maybe you could play a montage of all the jokes I did that didn't get put into the other episodes? Okay, let's see. You're a total asshole. Oh fuck. Wow, that's a long, uh, that's a long file, aren't you? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. It feels garbled like who wouldn't actually show up

in the final episode. Boy, wait, I think I'm gonna get it to work. All right, let's, here, let's play it. Two bottles. Oh, that's crazy. I think my fucking ease of wisdom is, Joel, this means you're a man, should I like, yeah, the vinegar, magical,

right? Okay, Arnie, I love your pink polo. Don't let these other jerks tell you otherwise. Do you guys hear that? Did someone's chairsqueak? Wow. I had no idea that you're here every week. Well, free time. Well, free time. Well, free time.

Well, free time. I'm free time. I'm free time. I'm free time. I'm free time. I'm free time. I'm free time. I'm free time. I'm free. Um, that's fine. I'm gonna, you're giving me an opportunity to prove myself with my strength,

because that's what Momo is good for. She is good because she is strong physically. Also, Momo, I don't know if you're the smallest one of the group. Honestly, when you think about it, I think Chunt is a lot prettier than you are. Huh. Ah. Huh.

Yes. Look at nails. This swirling wine. You know what, this might actually help. Huh, huh? Huh? Yes. Nails? Swirling wine? You know what this might actually help. What if we all did a push-up contest? All four of us. We do as many push-ups until we exhaust ourselves. Okay.

Whoever gets the most push-ups is the person who gets to protect everybody at the Wizard Choice Awards. Sound good? I'm in. Yeah? Arnie? Arnie? Uh. Arnie, you look like all of a sudden you're faking a cold.

I don't know, I asked Arnie first. John? Whoa, both his thumbs and his ankles just broke. Arnie, are you okay? Something's in the water. Yeah, I'm up for it. Okay. Okay.

All right, push up contest. Is the second time this is happening on the show? Believe it or not? Really? Yeah. Should we do a sit-up contest? Sounds good to me Okay, so we all get into our beds on the floor here. I think those are called palettes and we put covers on and Comfy oh rising chime wait the three of you fell asleep and I've been doing sit-ups for eight and a half hours.

Wake up. Oh, those are sit-ups. Those are sit-ups. I call waking up, getting up. Or sitting up. You know how you're in bed, sitting up, kind of getting up. Oh, I'm so tired.

Moa, there's so much sweat all around you. Yeah, and pee. Oh. It's okay. It's worth it. Momos strong. Momos strong. Momo, I'm inclined to offer you this

position as one of the protectors of the Wizards Choice Awards. We've already hired Krom the Fingarian who I believe you're familiar with and I've met before and I can't really take the job away from him specifically, but we will need many people. There'll be many different doors and many different portals and many opportunities for entry and egress that could allow some sort of evil-vi count to appear in with his scepter in hand, ready to fire a ruby beam at our brains, control our minds. So there's all sorts of stuff like that that could happen. Hello, that all sounds pretty scary.

Well, but you're very strong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am so strong with a vicar with a scepter, with a Ruby that control our mindshow, that you would, what would you do? Yeah, can you paint a picture of that guy before we go? I just wanna keep an eye out for him, I think. He's probably wearing a very dark purple robe.

And he probably has a tall sort of hat with a wide brim. Is that when you were for Halloween? Yes, I was the vi-count a blazer for Halloween. And I said, oh, I'm controlling your minds. Yeah, you remember that. Okay. And blood, something about blizzard, you should know is that anytime blizzard shows up, if you want to check

if it's the real blizzard, you pick them up, and you kind of hold them upside down, just to show like nothing's falling out, right? That's it won't fall off. That's the sign of a true blizzard. Oh, I can't do that. Vamo can pick them up. If he doesn't do that, he has to give you

three gold and 69 pens back. Mm-hmm. Isn't there also the blizzard that has more money? There's the Richard blizzard that will never take a sunglasses off. Do you all mind if I get my steps in while we continue to talk? Oh, please. Hey, hey, hey worried about some of the villains that might be coming around, we we had a bunch of hate mail delivered while we were out as well. These are all sort of

threats of villains that are maybe coming to the Wizard's Choice Awards. It's good to know what we're up against. I'd love to hear some. Also, do I hear mice in some of these boxes? No, right? I hear mice in some of these boxes. No, right? You wouldn't keep mice in these boxes, right? No. No one's blinking. Well, some of the wizards are snakes. I don't know if you know about that.

And snakes, of course, eat, well, da-da-da. Momo da-da-da. It's just a circle of life. What? You'd be wearing a badge or something, you'd be fine. OK. Have we ever talked about all the snake wizards? Oh, the snizzards? The snizzards? I thought it's just a circle of life. What? You'd be wearing a badge or something, you'd be fine. Okay. Have we ever talked about all the snake wizards? No, the snizzards?

The snizzards? Have you ever had a snizzards, lizards? Are you used to it? Are you saying, what do you say? Never mind. Oh yeah, I mean, there'll be all sorts of magical people there other than just wizards. There'll be snizzards and mages and sorcerers

and necromancers. You know it's the biggest night in magic really when you think about it. And I will protect you. Oh thank you. Yeah I'm sure there might even be like a demon or a or maybe even a demigod. You know you know you never know who's gonna show up. And know the Vi count Or if one of his minions shows up and tries to control our minds. We'll just need you to then You would Momoe punch their ankles with the rain Very good. I'm not oh good. Nice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Well, yeah, they can I mean a demigod could you know the blink of an eye, they could use their magic and brain power to

turn you into sort of an origami hat, but Mom, oh, you, of course, could put these steering goes with my little fists. That's pretty good. Really, really clinging to that one move, huh? Sorry, I'm all right. Every now and Have you thought about waiting on a table and maybe punching a little higher? Yeah, maybe I could go onto a table and then go up to the guy and say,

can you also stand on the table so I can punch your ankles with my little fists? Yeah, that's great. You're just really comfortable with right there. Uncle Punch, it's just. Yeah, I don't want to make an eye contact. And I'm realizing now that you have workout gloves on that say ankles be wear.

Do you, besides the chest, can you? Yeah. Okay, neither here nor there. They have to be specially made, right? Yeah, there. Does that, so we do it just get sold normally, right? No one else knew to want these before me. Yeah, I think we need to take a quick break.

But while we're speaking about custom made MoMoware, well, during the break, let's discuss stills. MoMo, do you feel like you have to be protecting us to spend time with us? Or is this just something else going on here? Or maybe I guess you just legitimately have a passion for security. Wait, Arnie, have you been putting your ear up to my therapy sessions? Well, I didn't want to do that. Is your session right after Mamos? Do you hear them laughing in there? I didn't want to say anything, but the your therapist offices in a hollowed out hole

but beneath my bed. So when I'm trying to sleep, I often hear little bits of mouse therapy. You know, I don't know exactly which one of them are you because most of those mice sort of sound the same. Whoa, hold on. Already, that's interesting because sometimes I stink into your bedroom and set up the podcast equipment So one day I can show you how loud you snore. Perhaps we got some audio of mumble and therapy. Let's see here. Sure Hey, Jeanne. How is your week? That's awesome. I know I'm not supposed to ask you too many personal questions, so I'll just jump right in. I've been doing steroids and sort of spending all day at the gym.

I've really been trying to get strong so I can spend more time with the boys. You know how I think that they're you yawning, Janice. Oh, and I should pause. I should pause real quick. Mom, you're cool with me playing this, right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha There's no way the hippo's gonna be okay with it. Fuck that. Do you know that hippo kills more people per year than anyone else in there? Oh, all right, but he has standards though. Hey, Chant, I would play some audio of your therapy sessions.

If you went to therapy and I can tell that you don't because of your everything, everything about you tells me that you do not go to therapy. How dare you? Of course I go to therapy. Strip clubs are not therapy, John. Well, here's the thing.

Start off is just kind of fun, but then clearly, clearly they liked me so much. The strippers, it was so weird because they'd touch my shoulder. I'm like, this is embarrassing. They're so into me. No. And so I leave them like a hundred good points. So anyway, it my shoulder. I'm like this is embarrassing. They're so into me now And so I leave them like a hundred good point tip. I got strong over the last little while because I wanted to spend more time with you guys and I thought I could do that by Being your security for the wizard choice award. Well

Con short club reminds me that I can't do bottomless bread six because Wouldn't get a liquor license. Come on, punjeren. No puns. No puns, just state law. Is it none or is it a hundred? You need a Conno English license. And Momo, if you want help, I'll run this by you as well.

If you want some help, I could also draw an angry face on Aggie Baby and I don't know. Set them up against the door, something prop them up against the table leg. Yeah, put them up on the table. I really need someone on that table. Make a nice deterrent. Right.

Momo, we haven't talked about compensation at all. I don't think this came up last week with Krab. We sort of forgot, but the payment is one year's worth of cheese. Holy crap, I was gonna ask for quality time, but I will take that cheese, and if you remember from a couple years ago, cheese is booze to mice, and that's gonna get me drunk for a whole year. Let's go. That sounds like a good deal. Oh, because you're a mouse. It's honestly so funny. Yay. The four of us laughing is just the best. Yeah. Momo, I'm glad we're gonna have you here

for the Wizard's Choice Awards. You mean to be the strongest creature in a ball, all of them, but you just have so much passion. And you were right beside us when we were off fighting the dark Lord. Yeah, it was. Here, let me hug your ankle with my little hands. Oh, that's sweet.

Thank you, Momo. Now, that does remind me though. You're not going to be on vacation when we have the Wizard's Choice Awards, are you? Um. Because you, we went to our clothing. I'm on vacation for most of this year. All right. Oh.

Momo, would you be okay with hanging out when we read some emails? I'm in. I'm missing on this Guda, like it's a bean bag chair. And a clean bag. All right, so you can email us at MagicTabourne and puppies that supplies. It's a real email address. You can also email us through the Patreon at patreon.com slash

MagicTabourne. Here's an email, dear Arnie Chunt and Ghost of Yucidor. Oh, this might be a little older. That's all right. I'm alive now. Dear listener, if you're not. You died? Oh, yeah. I gotta listen. I gotta listen to the show again. Don't worry about it. I think Momo the Mouse with human strength. Oh, this one's about you, Momo. Maybe underutilized in your fight against evil. With strength proportional to a human,

if Yusador made her large instead of tiny, her strength would surely scale with her. I was curious, so I did some math. He's about to throw up. You don't have to read the math. Just the word math. Just math. I'll try my best. A human is 2500 to 3000 times larger than a mouse, according to science.

The average mouse at 0.05 pounds. So let's put the human at 150 pounds. Look, I'm reading this word for word I swear. If they can bench their body weight, Momo-grown to human size could lift 375,000 to 450,000 pounds, or vaguely 1.5 to two metric tons. Holy shit. At the high end, that's 1.5 to two metric tons. Holy shit. At the high end, that's 1.5 statues of liberty.

Huh? Two blue whales, three space shuttles, 30 elephants or 100 giraffes. You sort of want you saying that there's one villain that only fights with 100 giraffes? Oh yeah. Arnie, what's a statue to liberty? Oh boy.

Why do you need a shuttle to move empty space around? Look, guys, we'll watch National Treasure and I'll explain all this to you later. Maybe we'll do it on the Patreon. Let me finish this, you know. I do wanna be there for that. I do wanna invite back for that, actually. If that ever happens, I will.

You'll be on vacation, mama. You'll be on vacation. I do, I will come back for that. We'll have Randy, the half a cockroach. No offense, Randy. His eyes just opened. Everybody see that And get you to what I open sort of like I

Dare say the dark lord himself would have trouble fighting that please consider giving momos some greater responsibilities Good luck on your adventures Legati that's their name Wow, I never considered that I Yeah, I just thought stilts just to make you taller. Yeah. You thought that you'd be a better man. You're magic to make Momo human sized. I mean, I suppose I could. It's a matter of does Momo want to be human size? I assume Momo wants to be Momo. Um, Momo would love to try it out baby just for a couple episodes. Okay, well you can want to do it now, do you want to see that?

I want to do it right fucking now. Right now, okay, alright. Okay, she's pumped, wow. Ooh, look at all the veins in her neck, RJ. She's juiced. She has also so much, I mean, she's covered in fur. But you can tell there's a ton of acne underneath. Yeah, there's also some new kind of weirder fur ever since the steroids have started.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Momo is ready to take up some real space unapologetically. Hey, you, Sidor. Here are the char-law, Kansi-Lothi-Lai. Are you tying the yan-char or a twirl? Oh, you sure? Tyng Tyng, yantiar, or twirl. Oh, shit.

Oh, yantiar. Oh! Yeah! Oh, shit. Oh, oh, god. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, it's all right. Yeah, try to sit in the chair.

Put your haunches in the chair. Oh, it's all right. Oh, she's going through the chair. I'm sorry. All right, all right. I don't know. I'm sorry. If you just want to sit on the table, still, that's fine. Oh, wait.

The table's a balance. You have to get off the table. I think you have to get off the table. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my gosh. I'm making eye contact with Arnie for the first time ever. Arnie, you've never seen your eyes before Arty, you've never seen your eyes before. Yeah, I've never seen your eyes before, they're very nice.

Oh my gosh, wait, I want to do something, I'm always... Okay, hold on, I'm going to go over to the bar. Ooh, what's your name, lady? My name is Magic Jack! Hey, Magic Jack, I'll take all the cheese in this building and make it sharp. Oh, I don't think so sweetie for that You'd have to punch me in the ankle. Bam! My bones are powdered. Oh my gosh I just exploded into nothing as except for his own voice. It's magic Jack. He's fine. Okay Can you believe these are all please get a stay like this for three episodes, or two, or three.

Now Mo, do you serve? Remember, that could be years. Yeah, Mo Mo, do you mean episodes urine or just episodes? Episodes, I'm in. Well, I guess I should further clarify. Mo, episodes, we could hear you in. Episodes where I'm mic'd and you can hear me. But good luck ignoring Mo Mo now.

You stay this way as long as you like. We promise not to ignore you whether you're a human size or a mouse size, and we apologize for any slight we may have afforded the in the past. And now I extend to you this contract to be one of the gods at the Wizard's Choice Awards. Um, I am human-sized now, and I have a lot of things I want to punch or explode. Okay. So I, y'all, I cannot wait to hear about how it goes. That's great.

You all have the most fun time. Oh come on, Mama, come on. First you back at a book of the buttoles, and now this? Chant, you love me. Whoa, stop spinning the engine finger. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Y'all, this is awesome. And you know what, wait, Arnie, you should do it.

What are some really cool human sized things I should do? I would get pants. Cool, cool, cool. But here's the thing, you should get purple pants that sort of like expect like if you like hulk out or whatever, that those still just be there regardless. Okay, cool, get magic pants. If you think of anything else, you let Momo know.

Tell me through the grapevine. And you know what, if you guys ever need someone crazy strong to be like a bodyguard for something, I will be there for you. Okay, great. Right, yeah, well. But not this time. But not this time.

Okay, okay. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, See, the thing I'm worried the most about is the thing I'm most worried about is I killed it. Oh. I killed it. Oh, that's too bad. I worry that our listener, LaGatti, who suggested all this, just the guilt of what they've wrought, it's going to be tough for them. Yeah. But I do like, Ernie, I do like, you know, the people who email in affecting this show

a little more, because it's interesting. Actually, if you have any items that I should serve at Bukitabudho, email them to me at Chunt with 6Ts at gmail.com, and they might... And you'll never see a dime. Well, of course, I mean that, I thought that was a given. Oh, you sure? We forgot! Arnie, we forgot!

What? We should have made Janine human size as well. Now Momo doesn't have a therapist. Oh, huh. I exploded another horse. Oh. Actually, she seems pretty good. She seems pretty stable.

Yeah. She seems happier than she's ever been. She probably needs to go to a bigger therapist. So let me get this right. I said we should probably make Janine human sized and you said she needs a bigger therapist Yeah, well, but I don't know if Janine wants to be made large I can't just go around making everyone large just because now Momo's large because then it's ultimately I'd make everyone

That was previously mobo sized large and then I'd have to make us larger to compensate for that. Just go talk about it with your stripper Large and then I'd have to make us larger to compensate for that. Yeah,? Love you bye. Just love you bye. Yeah, you're okay. I'll run the fuck off. Well, that came together nicely. Sorry, I don't mean the podcast. I mean the salad I've been putting together. I just found some shaved parmesan in the back of the Institute fridge. And let's just say if this bowl of roughage were Aronofsky's

black swan, I think I found my Natalie Portman. Now for some details around the background noise you become emotionally invested in. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shot the talking badger was played by Adolfie. Momo the mouse was played by Aaron Keith. Check out Aaron's podcasts, Hey Riddle Riddle and sitcom D&D. Hello from the Magic Tavern is a co-dependent production. Wait that's wrong.

What is this Alice isn't dead? No it's an independent production. Made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Dusty Rock, say Hardier House made frictionless role, Aurel, Jenny Locke, Adam Christensen, Trog Door the Cat, Gellicles Ken and Gellicles Do, Andy Frazi, M. Daniels, Christopher Hogan-Dorn, the name Hodor uses

when he registers at hotels in secret, Rocket, Adam Lowe, Dominic Zinsley, Kathleen Taylor, and Ian Morrison. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refy. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allerd Lebanne. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

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