Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 87 - Death Knight Visits (w/ Brennan Lee Mulligan)

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

Kalhaxorus the Grim, a ghostly death knight in a suit of armor, returns to cause trouble and mooch drinks.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiKalhaxorus the Grim: Brennan Lee MulliganMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Now sit back, you genius, and enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arne E. Camp, greatest warrior in all of fune. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. A little over 8 years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here

in the tavern, the Strange Familiar, in the town of nibble bottom, at the base of the innemable mountain in the magical land of fun. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, bud?

Arnie, I am doing so well. I have big, big news. Oh, okay. Big, big, big, big you doing, bud? Arnie, I am doing so well. I have big, big news. Oh, okay. Big, big, big, big news. You ready? Yes. Wait, wait, big, big, or big, big, big, big, big, big, big. Four bigs now.

Are you standing up? No, no. Don't, yeah, stay seated because Aggie, baby is the love of my life. Uh, Aggie, baby is my child, big old egg. Love them to death. I don't know how well I did parenting, but probably not great. Probably not great, let's be honest, but a few months ago or so, we talked about you,

me and you, so we're having a baby. I think we said we called it podcast, podcast, Neat Chant of the Blue, and I talked to a wizard, and the wizard agreed. They would make us a child between the three. Oh, I talked to another wizard and the wizard agreed, they would make us a child between the three, oh I talked to another wizard who does like big, big powerful magic, big, big powerful magic. And they said that they could make us this child,

podcasting the chant the blue and I thought, how fun would that be? This is always a difficult conversation to have. I, you, I don't know, I don't, I look, I, back in my world, I have a child and when I'm asleep, I am in that world and I take care of them in my dreams, but I don't know. I love you, Chant.

But I love you. I'm ready to actually raise a child with you. Okay, well, all right. Well, if we ever want the child, yeah, did you already make the child? Well, no. On on paper yes in reality no But I talked to Tim Tam the teal and he is ready and willing whenever we need it Tim Tam the teal. I now which wizard is Tim Tam the teal master of

Arnie Thought and dream. Yeah, fun dream buddy Tim Tam the Tim Town the Teal, the Master of Thought and Dream. Yes. If you have to ask, you can't afford him, yeah. What are we gonna do? How magic is that? Well, it's very powerful. I imagine the power of the human mind,

focused and then combine with the power of pure imagination. Why? The power is inconceivable. Yeah, Ornie, picture this. You're at a big table and you're eating food and it's imaginary. You're miming of spoon and fork and you're mimicking what's in front of you.

Suddenly, there's like rainbow colored mashed potatoes. It came true and you pick up a big handful and you whip it at somebody across from you. That food you imagined, Tim Tam, the teal created it. Hmm, sounds like a drug dealer. Well, there's that too. Well, I mean, it's not just that. I think that's diminishing.

I think that's speaking down. I think the fact that there are substances evolved that allow people to open their minds is just a... a part of the world. Okay, so Tim Tam the teal, one more wizard we need to remember to invite slash cast for the Wizard's Choice Awards. Oh, he's already been invited, why not? I'm creating a sigil here on my own, even now, to make sure that his dreams don't infect

my brain. And Ori, ask me in two weeks, and I'll have his full name. You soar, spew these sigils, you just keep carving things into your body. Oh yeah, I'm all tatted up. If there's a prison break, we're set. I'm so glad I've been sharing with you the most important pop culture references from my world, including prison break, where someone isn't in prison, but they have the map of the entire prison tattooed on their body as if that's gonna help a lot. Yeah, I wanted to make a really timely reference to help your audience understand our show better.

Yeah, Arnie, do we get any feedback that we don't make enough references? I'm sure we get feedback. I don't know where that lives. Oh, an Earth feedback is alive. Interesting. It's an organic living thing. Speeding of living things, is it just me? You know that suit of armor that's standing over there by the bar?

I was thinking that's a decoration, but it's moving slightly. I don't remember that being a decoration in here before. All kinds of weird magic stuff keeps getting delivered here in advance of the Wizard's Choice Award, so, you know, any kind of magic bullshit, I would not be surprised by. Watch her mouth, first of all. Yeah, it keeps looking over here. I thought for a minute it might be three kids inside a suit of armor,

just trying to sneak in and drink beer, but it's coming over, it's walking over. Oh, give me a breath, who do I have to blow around here to get a Roy Rogers? What? Am I right? Hold on. How?

Why it's... Calhaxrus the Grim? The Death Knight. I'd make you a Roy Rogers for that. That's a fair trade. Uh... Oh yeah, it's alright. You three?

I don't have a mouth. That's right. You are a sort of disembodied spirit trapped inside of a suit of armor. Who told you? Wait. Who I know you guys. We met. It's been a little bit. I'm told you? Wait, who, I know you guys. We met. It's been a little bit, but I'm on you guys. I can't. I'm from another world.

Oh, you guys owe me money, right? What? I don't think so. The last time I saw you, you stabbed me and then you said, suckers get sucked. Oh. You said suckers get sucked. Then you ran out on the tab. I think you actually owe us money. You owe us money.

My friend, you're going to have to be way more specific. I've stabbed a lot of people and sent suckers get sucked. Okay, well, uh... Sort of your signature move? Yes, my two signature moves are the blade of blackest night. And then, whoo, stabbing and saying suckers get sucked and running out of the bill. The blade of Blackest Knight, that sounds like a terrible weapon and chanted weapon of great power. Oh, it's a great weapon of enchanted power.

And I think you have those ranked correctly, one, two. I think you're right in that order. Oh, where I saw coming back to me now, yes. Yes, Arnie, the greatest warrior in all the fool we met before you had earned this title. At that time, I was just an interesting person from another world, but since then, I accidentally killed Arnor, the greatest warrior in all the film, making me now the greatest warrior in all the film. And I don't know, you sort of run, you introduce yourself.

I am you should all, Wizard of the Twilth, Royal Motherfesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Lights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trockus, the elves, Nomiya's being Yalak, the dwarves, Nomiya's, Zonen and Hookstangies, and I am known in the North East as Gasmunius Mastah,

and there may be other secret names, names of such great power and inconceivability that they could only be uttered aloud at the wizard's choice awards. Hmm, well, well met, you store. I, of course, as you are well aware, and Karl Haxler is the grim hammer the El Dundry in full that in Dwightiel, God given the shroud of massure. I command the blades of zap, and formally sworn champion of the red Queen Mersia of Strix, to us I that slew the glad winds of Rivenmore, and to us I that won best death night at the

coconut banger's death night ball. And sorry, let me just scooch in the middle of the table here with my little hoop and as well also put on a little show, my name is Chunked. Woohoo! Hi! And I'm a little shape shifter and fuck me if I didn't wish to goddesses, I knew how to make a Roy Rogers. Suckers get sucked and bartenders get blown around here I guess.

I can just order some drinks. I'll be right back. Extra Terries! Bye. So, how have you guys been? I've been pretty bad. Oh, Cal. Oh, I'm ex-Rusom.

I'm so sorry to hear that. We've been okay. I've been pretty bad. Oh, Cal. Oh, I have. Oh, I have. I'm so sorry to hear that. We've been okay. Yeah, I've heard. I've heard that we collectively killed the Dark Lord a while back, saving all of the fun. Yeah, I know you killed the Dark Lord. Okay, I know you killed. Believe me, I know.

All right, the work has dried up around here for the death nights. Yeah, it has hardened harder to be evil these days. Yeah, huge blow to the brand. I'm so sorry to hear and it looks like I mean I don't want to make a bad situation worse but it does look like there's a lot of oil under your eye holes in the armor and your armor Just seems a little more paladin sagging Well armor could sag. Yeah, after you kill the dog lord I fell asleep in a town with a lot of teenagers and they put garbage in my armor and I can't get out. Oh, no I wondered what that smell was. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of bags of stuff in there I don't know where you're from or your world, but there's a king who has been supplying these

Yules with garbage and they've shut it in my armor this king of burgers Huh Arnie, you know a king of burgers, right the burger king. Oh, yeah, I don't know if this is chunk You think this is gonna reflect poorly on me? Like, I know Calhacks are stabbed, you saw it before, but I don't deal as well with stabbing. Yeah, same, same, same, same. Here's some ails and here's your Rory Rogers and I'm just going to enjoy this dark brown hill myself. And I'm just going to enjoy this dark brown hill myself. Look at all these cherries, so delicious. And of course, Oroiroj is a drink for boys.

So cheers to all of you. Cheers to you and to things getting better. Um, carroxmas, can you, is it possible to like pivot? Could you become like a life night or like a nighty night or anything like that? Um, so I was working security at a tavern on the other side of the mountain, you know, this mountain. The unnable mountain. I can't be unnable mountain. Does it feel?

Does it feel to you guys like that's its name? That's a good question because that is how we refer to it. And hence, if it is called the Unnameable Mountain, then it has a name and it no longer is the Unnameable Mountain. But of course, from when we were calling it Slobinoids, which stinks over here. Oh well, you store I um I... Something stinks like dog shit.

Wings of Keller, half dress, I farted. Yeah, that's what happened, I farted. Oh, shut. Oh, shut. What the fuck? I saved your ass. No, this guy's stuffed with garbage, you said, or- No, no, why would you introduce the second thing when we already know that you fought it?

And that would be the story forever. Chant, don't try to put this on Calhaxris. It's- It's entirely a thought your fault that you fought it. You should excuse yourself in Gordon to the outhouse and fought it out there. Oh man, thought it out into a system, giant. And thus, normal smelling souls who remain here enjoying up, beforches. I know it's terrifying to go out to the outhouse.

It's only a few feet away from the front of the tavern, but spiders might crawl on my butt. Well, and there are teenagers all over there just waiting to throw crap at you. To measure say, can we have the outhouse not be in front of the tavern? I feel like it's bad for a couple of reasons. Can I be in the back? Uh, well, a lot of people come just for the outhouse.

Mm-hmm. They prefer it to the tavern, honestly. They come just for the outhouse. They should take their business to the come house. I'm going to be in the come house. I'll be right there. And when I'm gone, this smell of course should dissipate. Wings at Karahaklas.

We'll see, maybe it has a state power in Rulinga. It's alright, he doesn't understand how far it's work. He has already released the gas from his anus, which has already surrounded us. And now we are bathing in this stink that he has left here while he is abscundit. Yes, and he's probably also where if you hear, if I walk and you hear a sound like there's a bunch of keys and coins and glass in me, then that's probably him too. Take that, actress, just to go back a few minutes. You mentioned that you are an award winner. What was that award that you'd won? I won Best Death Knight at a tropical theme party. Oh, well that's fun. It was very fun. Sort of the one moment of light that I've kind of had in the last few months. I don't want to bring the mood down. Let's party! Well Calhectra, what's the competition like? Like, who are you competing with for Best Death Night?

Um, I was competing with three living nights, which I think is why I won. Yeah, you know. You're a shoe-in. Yeah, I was kind of a ringer, kind of a dead ringer. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah, so be rattling for sure. Yeah. It's, oh my god, there's, look guys. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH This makes a lot of sense to me on me. Well plus the Wizards choice awards are coming up in just a few weeks I mean you're security there too. So everything is worth a wizard's choice awards with you. Let's not forget

We got to protect me he brings the biggest event over here. I have all these all this these hate scrolls Remember this one from before this is my asses math. I don't even know what that means Remember this one from before this is my asses math. I don't even know what that means. Your asses math. I maybe I should have a personal bodyguard. Finally someone in food trying to keep me safe. What do you mean? I keep you safe all the time. Do you have any times people have snuck into the tavern in the middle of the night for the last eight years? And I've just cut their throats. Oh, hold on. Are you sure these people are trying to kill me?

No! But I can't take the chance, can I? This tavern has opened four hours. What's that, their throats? Hold on. Are you sure these people are trying to kill me? No. But I can't take the chance, can I? This tabernacle has opened 24 hours. You can't take the chance, he's absolutely right, you cannot take the chance. You know, what's easy to ask questions to? A corpse. That's easy to ask questions to. So yes, slashy slashy and then asky asky is what. That's how it goes here in food. If I'm feeling. So, yes, slashy, slashy, and then asky-asky.

That's how it goes here in food. If I'm feeling really drawn to you, I just transform them into something like a chair or a book or a mouse with one leg or... Wait, is this why we always have so many chairs here even though they keep getting broken? Oh yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, guys, I got attacked. No, bunch of teenagers. Bunch of teenagers came at me.

They tried to draw a penis on my balls, but a knight jumped out, a living knight jumped out of the hedge, and he saved me. He, I guess he was the winner of the coconut banger's greatest death night. This guy was, he had a big sash on his, oh, he's amazing. He's incredible

Calax risk did you lie about winning that award? I lost best death night to a living night you are truly evil now We must take a quick break while I give you a talking to... Oh, ho ho ho ho... Well now that I've given you a sufficient talking down to a Calactrus, I would like to know how did you get the coconut bangers to sponsor you? The Death Night Ball? I've been trying to get sponsors for the Wizards Choice Awards and the coconut bangers. That's a big get? I've been trying to get sponsors for the Wizards Choice Awards and the Coke and Up Bangers. That's a big get. Yeah, well, you know, the guy who runs their sponsored content division, I trapped in a

gem. And so, you know, he was willing to cut us in for a song just to be out at least from his eternal bondage within the spiritual art. So you're saying it's like a cold call. You just gotta get out there and trap some people in gems and maybe then you'll draw a business. That was the thing.

I had a good 30 or 40 gems, so I rolled up on a caravan in the middle of a haunted forest and just trapped everyone and then you figured it out later. So I was sort of down later, yeah. I was opening gems and I was like, who are you, what do you have access to? And it's some kid being like, forgive me, sir, I'm just a farm hand. And I'm like, your ears less than me.

And then I, you know, dismiss him and you know, he wanders off into the woods. And but then sometimes someone's like, I'm the head of branded content for coconut bangers. And I said, I love your rum. Please sponsor the death night competition. And then the freaking judges know idea what a good that night is. Kellex, this can I ask you, and it's just us and obviously this is being recorded,

but that's not that important. Do you really like that rum? Or is it more just something you say to the sponsors? I cannot taste nor touch the fruit of mortal trees. I cannot saved myself from the whine of their cellars, but I can smell a little bit. And the smell of that rum, ooh, it's pungent, it's nice. It's very coconut-y, it sort of goes kind of like an air freshener. So my taste like ass, but it smells incredible. Can I ask Kala Hakslas, I know in previous

coconut banger's competitions that when they're awarding best death night, it's a lot of, it's a lot of hunks. And I know the big draw, the biggest thing that they typically do is they'll have some sort of like water shorts competition where everybody gets into their water shorts and we all go, ooh, and awe, what did you, since you don't really have, I don't know how to put this kindly, you don't really have a form. What did you do for that portion? During the wet armor contest, everyone else started to sort of strip and dance,

and I started to strip, and then I sort of turned into ghostly light and shot into everybody's eyes, and I mounted a bunch of their faces. Sure. Sure. I don't know if that would help you in a contest. Emelting some of the participants of the audience there.

It wasn't intentional. I didn't know that was going to happen. I just did not disrobed. In over a thousand years. Sure. Yeah, I guess if I'm judging hunks, I want my face melted off, but I don't want my face melted off Yeah, and listen, you know, it's not I think I might have blown it, but also some of those other nights were really hunky

Lala, you know, sir Jason that guy oh, oh Jason was there. Oh Incredible the armor just slid right off. He's so oiled up That's like they can't be good. They can't be good for his first place as a knight He literally stepped in it was like it was like a banana on peeling on stage I'm all the armor fell off I'll tell you what you could bounce a gold piece of that. Hi, he Didn't I didn't I just recently hear that Sir Jason was immediately killed in hand to hand combat Like he just slid right out of his armor and was killed. Yeah, he started a duel and

The armor popped right off and he got hit in the neck and the heart and the ass and the dick with an arrow Still so hunky bounced around, but Arnie. There's a difference right there sees you know There's competition nights and then there's actual nights, you know, there's competition nights, and then there's actual nights. Or do you know what I'm saying? Like some of these nights die their chest hair, you know, they're just kind of like, it's a lot of aesthetic building. So they're not necessarily looking to save a maiden or anything like that. And then there's day and night, Arnie, you understand that these are not all the same thing, right? Yeah, different things mean different things. I'm well aware of them. Right, exactly. So there are competition nights. There's night that happens at night.

And then there are true nights who fight monsters, dragons, and evil warlords, that sort of thing. You know, true nights is a, you know, maybe you fight monsters or maybe you side with the monsters, you know, with being an evil knight is still a true knight, you can be a true. You're sort of a corrupted, twisted version of a knight, I'd say like, perhaps, if you fight along with side the monster, perhaps you become the monster. I re-chopped your framing. Oh. I re-chopped your framing.

You will not shift the Over-tune window up. Collaxor is the grim. Oh, you're just dagger. Uh-oh, you said or. Well, okay. Alright, alright, alright. Now, now you stabbed me last time you were here. If you'd want to do that again, that's your business, but I would prefer you to not. Especially when there's so many teen-angers around here. We're all in a lot of trouble. You've got to watch ourselves.

They have to work together. When did all the teens come from? Well, when a man and a woman really love each other, or if you visit Tim Tim the Teal? Yes, well, exactly. If you visit Tim Tim the Teal, they engage in an act called sex. And from that, quite a childish board.

But nearly a decade, in a couple of extra years, a teenager as a board. Wait. Where do and a couple of extra years a teenager is born. Wait, where to that don't add up I don't think. A teenager is born after the child is born? That's right. There's like a larval stage. Exactly. Unbelievably.

I think what user are meant to say is if a man and wife love each other very much or three men visit Tim Tamletoe, or three men, they get tired of having a teenager around the house and they kick them out, and that's why the teenagers are wandering the streets. Ah, I see, so it is the parents that are to blame for these near adults that now throng in the village under the name of Bromountain.

Where are the parents? And also, if I may sort of, I don't know, positive or hypothesize, possibly ever since we killed the dark lord, a lot of these kids, you know, there's so much childhood in food. A lot of these kids aren't dying, so they're growing up. And I think, you know, we're just not used to

as a foolish society. We're not used to seeing these kids grow into teens. You made a good point. It's a good point. That actually ever since the Dark Lord died, which is a real thing that really happened and we're not pretending and the Dark Lord isn't hidden in our basement.

But ever since then, I think I read that the Tween Wars came to a stop. There's no more Tween Wars in Fune. I heard there's a Tween Queen. Have you heard this? You read about this? You seen this? Tween Queen? What else? What else? What else is going on in food? I am so sorry to buddy. I don't forget me. I'm filled with trash and I've been pissed off. Ah ha! Teens for days. Did you mention something about the Dark Lord not being in your basement?

It's a very specific thing to bring up. Yeah, we could have said any place. Yeah, he's not in our... Yeah, we said he's not not. You know, that's the important word in that sense. We'll do another one. He's not in the basement. The basement?

He's not in the basement. Yeah, not in the basement. Gotcha Well Calhaxi to hit the old Dostit trail I think stretch That's a face stretch was he on? Who wants a who wants a coconut banger rum tum tummy? Oh My bum bum bummy I need to go into the basement Who wants a who wants a coconut banger rum tum tummy? Oh My bum bum bummy I need to go into the basement because I left my wagon. It's locked. Oh

Dango What are you gonna do? Oh, well, it's a lot of what are you gonna do? A lot, I better, maybe I should, you know, I'll work in maybe my misstee in some stanchoral spirit form that animates my suit of armor. I probably want to take this armor off. Now that it's finished, hold on, give it just one second, Calhack's just,

guys, guys, we've spent way too long just kind of casually telling everybody that Dark Lord is not in the basement and I guess in retrospect, no one really pays attention to us, so that's why we get away with it so much. Hey, we have got to distract Kalahakstras. We've got to point him in some other direction. I offered him a rum-tum-tummy.

Maybe we could tell him to go destroy another town someplace or something. Oh, yeah. Ah, Kalahakstras say, ah, yeah, I kind of asked for a say I know you're trying to turn into a misty form, but I just heard a rumor. I think you might be interested in Turns out that there's a Field full of happy

Happy people dancing and laughing just over the hill just dancing laughing. I'm the time of their lives. What do you know? What a wonderful thing. What's your problem bad? I get it man other people are doing great doesn't town of go. I get it, man. Other people are doing great. There's a town of happy people. I get it. You know what? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you know? It's just a room, buddy.

I was insane. I was saying to upset you. It was just like, you know, that all their gods, laid down the weapons to join in the dancing and that there's having a big festival. Seems like it's gonna be, it like it's a cakewalk anyone could walk in there and just do whatever they want oh wait just right over the mountain wait like burn it like burn the town you could burn it yeah you could definitely burn it

oh my god oh my god this is how I do it this is how I get my groove back. Let's go. How I need a horse and a sword and an army and a squadron of the blades of south. I need the blades of south. Oh, okay. Right. Oh, you misplaced the blade of south? The blades of south.

I misplaced all of them. And they were, the blades of south are guys. They're like soldiers. Oh, oh, oh. So theyath, they misplaced all of them. And they were, the blades of Zath are guys. They're like soldiers. Oh, oh, oh. So they just, they, I don't know, you misplaced them. They just get up and leave. And honestly, no one's paid them in like 300 years. So I can't manage.

That's not great. Well, you need a sword though. You did say you didn't mention needing a sword. I did, I had to sell the sword to get enough to put the down payment on the venue for the coconut bangers, death night ball. Well, I, you know, I know you're evil and I don't want you to do evil, but I want you to, I want you to get back up on your feet. And I'm willing to, to lend you this sword right here. Just to get right off the wall. It's all yours, you know.

Maybe you'll do some good out there. Who knows? I'm willing to give you a second chance. Just don't convince me. Don't go. What, do I say something? I say that. Adam, we had him, you said it were.

It's good. It's out. No, no, the sword. I definitely am going to take the sword and go to this village of happy people, you say Definitely not going to go outside behind the tavern and use it as a shovel to dig dig dig No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the next few minutes, while we listen to these messages brought to you by Coconut Bangers. I just hope to God that none of these ads are things that teens would be mad about. I got their flossing so slowly.

We're going to stuff all four of you with Trish! Oh no! I got that little new seat! Hahaha! Okay, we've been standing here for... It feels like a very long time. These teens... They don't seem like they're leaving. Are we gonna have to do something?

I don't know, what are, what are teens like? I just don't know a lot of teens. Chant, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm a force for good, okay? Calhaxrus is a death knight. He'll just murder them all. I can't be seen as doing something evil.

Arnie is the greatest warrior in all of the women here. He also has a reputation to protect. You chumped. Half to buy beer for these teenagers. Say no more. You guys looking for some beer? Cool Uncle Chump's gonna buy you some liquor. What do you, what do you all drink? Huh? Coconut bangers? Coconut, yeah coconut bangers, absolutely sauce. I mean that's the best smelling rum. Am I right fellow? Filled teens, alright? What kind of an idea? Hey teens, teens. See that kid that said he likes coconut bangers? What a dork. Wait what? He's the true enemy.

Oh my god, it's working. Absolutely not. Absolutely. Oh my God. Oh, the teens have gone farrow. Oh, that was hideous. Oh my God. What did you do? I don't know.

I just remember the teens are usually worse on each other than on anything else. They're always looking for weakness, yeah. But I can never forget, a teen hates you, but they hate each other a little bit more. This, developmentally, the exercising and knowledge of peer groups and conformity is actually a sort of psychological measure of self-identification. So it's hard, it's a hard time, it's a hard time to be going through and my cool, dicing heart.. Ugh. Well, actually, since we're out back near the basement door, why don't we just open the door so you can stand in the doorway and no further and look inside to see the dark lord is dead.

Is that the com house? Yes, shh! We'll show you that the dark lord is definitely not in here. So let me just go put my paw on the handle and slowly rotate my wrist in a clockwise fashion so as to open any given door. Nothing's suspicious about how much he's monologizing right now. Well, thank you for showing me this above ground basement. I'd be more than happy to confirm that the dark lord is not inside it yeah how is that where is it?

where is it? he's just right around he's right around he's right around he's got a fast way oh we tripped oh really all right all right now let's all see that I'm sorry it's all right now let's all see that It's all right here, we'll stand you up just just give us a second

Take my hands He's smothered oh good thing he does have a mouth. I didn't even know I could still do that. That was absolutely not so. What is this? What is this structure doing in this town? What sort of enchantment is all this? Oh, we forgot to tell you it's a magical come house. I know, but my god, what's her?

This is like, I would imagine that the sex workers of this town would have to organize and stop this. This is like AI. This is terrible. Not a lot of people know about it. So, 250 years ago, four witches kissed right on this spot and ever since a plant grew and sprouted and turned into a little bit of a structure with a door that I opened earlier That became the magical come house and you'll keep your mouth shut about it, won't you?

Any of you told you about AI No Absolute incantations. Oh They're magic that cannot be undone. They're very they're absolute. They're very powerful But they're also incredibly stupid. They only know what you tell them to do. I was gonna say, people have been complaining that they're not having particular original orgasms in this come house, that they're just sort of like,

I don't know, it's just pretty rote. There were a lot of sort of dry ads and satyrs and centaurs and other creatures, like creatures of pleasure and bacchanalia that actually their original belts of pleasure were recorded by some of the magic in this land and sort of being mined to create these other enchantments. But as an evil person, I love this technology. I think it's huge. As an evil person, I love this technology. I think it's huge. That's it.

I have heard there are a fair amount of druids that are really trying to get in on understanding just how they can nudge the come house just enough. So they're like, look, I don't have to fully jerk somebody off. I just have to nudge with the come house is already doing. So it's working for me. For sure.

It's the ram, it's these sort of economic ramifications and places like the come house that are more sort of economic ramifications and places like the come house that are more sort of frightening than anything within the actual magical apparatus itself. Yeah, there are a lot of griffins and pixies and trolls that just like to talk about this, you know, griffins, pixies and trolls, you know, just chatting GPTs, you know, that's like to, so I'd like to like just, you know, bat these ideas around, although, you know, we could do without it personally, I think

Well, I completely forgotten everything we were talking about before Before you tricked me into jumping into that place. I'm so excited that I can still achieve physical climax I didn't know that was impossible for me to do I'm gonna say congratulations, you deserve some rum. Ooh. Can I get a rum tum tummy? Yeah, I got a rum tum tummy. I'll be right back.

Just going to the rum house. So, Calhectra, I happened to notice that when you were introducing yourself before, with your full name and achievements, there was one part that you seemed a little less enthusiastic about than the rest of your titles. Yes. Are you?

How you doing on that whole red queen merseer front? Yeah. Oh, Arnie, greatest warrior in all of foam. I'm still not over it, man. Yes. Wow, and that's coming from post-combring. Yeah, still not over. Well, it's like, you knowcombrane. Yeah, still not over.

Well, it's like, you know, maybe I don't think anyone's as self-loathing as they are right after they bust. That's where you get really contemplative. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you actually, if you have it in like a thousand years, oh yeah, the roller coaster of that's got to be crazy. Absolutely bonkers. You know, absolutely bonkers. It's a, I'm still kind of coming down off of it, but you know, it's a fascinating thing. I think that there are all these relationships within

Fungovern by Magic and being the sworn champion of the Red Queen Merzier for so long. And we use these titles and destinies, these rapings, the threads of fate to make us feel like we belong, but you end up just feeling empty because you just want someone to choose you for you, not because you buried a hydra, not because you drank the lake of blood, not because you pulled your beating heart from your chest and laid it on the embers of SANTRA SANT! It's just like, I just like you, you know? And I think I've just been looking for another blood queen, a dark lord, or necromancer, king to tell me that I'm worthwhile.

And ever since the dark lord was killed, I just haven't been able to find a villain that wants me to be that lieutenant. And so I'm just left letting teens put garbage in me and asking for rum and trying to get, you know, royal rogers. A Kalan actress, can you keep a secret? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm evil. I'm still so evil.

I'm like, yeah, don't fucking don't tell anybody. I'm like crazy evil. You know what I mean? Like, this is gonna be a long con. Like, I'm the evil's person at all of the food. What the heck? I need people to help me. But some of these things are not at first

gonna seem super evil, but just you gotta trust in how evil I am. And also my evil second in command, chunt, the badger. Yeah, that's me, light light cigarette put cigarette out in own eye Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I grew back Yeah, we're looking for you probably wouldn't be interested though, right? You're you're limiting

Listen to me this may sense of course of course Listen to me this makes sense of course of course Reaver our nor was a incredible champion of food and you slow him So of course so part of your plan you have you see you have taken over the mind of you store champion of the light Please Arnie you have come to the course you're like an eldritch being you've come to this world from another realms Dominate it! Let me take a knee. Don't do that too close to the come house, just trust me.

Oh, it's slippery down here. Yeah, stay out the ground. Let me see you. Please, I will bend all of my undead might to seeing your enemy slain. Do you wish for news of the Dark Los defeat and he sprang from round to round? Do you wish for me to kill Usadou's opponents in the Wizard's twice awards? Who would actually... Hmm...

I would like you sort of win. It's extra hard to kill a wizard. I wouldn't mind, honestly, I wouldn't mind if you killed Dripfang because he's to have me almost killed me. And I'm gonna be honest, we've had a few conversations since then, but I'm still not over it. I will lay low the wizard, Dripfang. I will smite him with the top of his arcane stingeth, no matter how potent his arclet or the forces of death hate with an evil

Martial behind me with this sword Handed to me from a decoration on the tabernwald by usador. I should destroy Lip thing you have my word John John that's not a real sword right now. It's not it's a kids's a kid's toy, but um, don't, yeah, don't, don't, okay. This, I vow to you, my king, on the greatest warrior form. Who wants a rumpum tummy? Ooh, I get one of those, or a little one for the road?

Probably not for everyone. Thank you. Oh, hey, Calhaxris. Be cool. Okay, you sonar, don't, hey, Calhaxris. Be cool. Okay, you said art, don't find all that weird. Okay, he would be a big bus kill on this whole thing. For sure, for sure, for sure. Well, you said all, thank you for the room, Tom, Tommy.

Of course, my pleasure. Well, that's a real stretch. Oh, that's a real stretch. Yeah. I think it's about time I hit the old dusty trail. Oh no, oh no, Arning, he's pulling the string on the toy sword. I'm a real sword! Oh, huh! I got an enchanted talking sword. Yeah. Very well.

Well, I think I'll be seeing myself out. Thank you for the rum-tum-tummy, Usendor. Ah, my pleasure. Stand up from the slippy ground. And honey. Yes. I will see it done. Can I expect the communicates from you? I guess I should probably keep track of what you're doing at the beginning of the third day

point your gaze to the eastern sky There shall the re-white grows take ween if I am successful or a single raven red as rubies Should I fail? Shit writing this stuff. Okay three white throws Should two blue jays take wing you circled flight that means I need a little bit more time If you see a single flamingos sprinting through the town It means that I've been captured by flamingos and convinced one of them to come and warn you. If you see a bird with wings as wide as the horizon, this is the fabled rock of legend. And it means that I've gotten bored and decided to go rock flying.

Ooh, the rock of ages. Okay, so wait, what if we see three white crows, but a flamingo happens to be sprinting by, not sent by you, just sort of a sprinting flamingo. Then in that circumstance, I want you to release two great horned owls. They will appear in my western sky. And that way, I will write down the sky. You know, and then what will happen is this, I'll mail you 40 penguins. And if they get there there then what can happen is I'll confide it's 40 penguins that means the flamingo was from me or I'll just send one butterball chicken and that if that gets the it means that it was the

white gross sure so I'm just not gonna know what you're up to. And that's okay. No, I ordered all down. I think it's fine. I just don't know what it even means. What is he trying to communicate? Oh, he's gonna make Arnie a nightstand. Yeah, a nightstand.

Oh, Arnie, that's a different kind of night. Yes, but I think you'll find that this night stands that well enough on its own. You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? That was very good. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And don't forget, we don't have the dark lord in the basement. Why would you say that?

What is that? We're... Fuck. Oh, wait. Oh, God it. That's right. You don't have the dark lord in the basement. It's a great point. I didn't hear that earlier and I'm hearing it for the first time right now.

And it just means I have to poop. That's kind of how we say it. It's like a euphemism. I have to poop. That's kind of how we say it. It's like a euphemism. I have to poop. I have a dark lord in the basement. Yeah, you know what? I actually have a dark lord in the basement right now myself. So I better head to the basement where I do all my pooping. Um, hey, is that for this one?

Why you're pooping in the basement? Oh, yes. Don't do it in the outhouse. People go in there all the time. Does smelly have crows? Definitely don't do it in the attic. yeah, it's the last thing you want. I guess to be fair, there have been periods in my life when I've done most of my pooping in the basement.

Does it bend on what kind of setup you have? Yes, certainly. You know, maybe there's a toilet down there, you can't, you're not the boss of me, you don't know. Maybe I bring a toilet with me wherever I go. Maybe I poop in a box, and I take the box out, I'm just supposed to fit by hand. No, okay in a box and I take the box out and dispose of it by hand No, okay. Yeah, that's fine. That sounds good to me. Oh, it's not the same box the penguin to my come in. Oh

I only have the one So sorry I'm gonna head to the basement and poop and I'll see you guys when I see you and Usadot, suckers get sucks I'll see you guys when I see you and uh... use the door, suckers get sucked. Oh shit! Fuck I'm out of that. He's running so fast for you.

Oh my god. Oh, his feet are so slippery, he's spinning around. Now's my chance to confuse him. Write this way, sir, to the basement that I'm gripping the handle with my paw and turning in a clockwise motion. I'm gonna do one dramatic and one comedic door opening and right this way to the basement or needs to come house again. Okay.

Oh, God, Lord! I am coming for you! I am coming for you! I am! Uh-uh! It's getting better! Yeah, yeah! Uh-uh!

Oh, wait! Oh, my head! Oh, my head? I feel like that second time he knew where he was going. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way.

He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way.

He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He's in the way. He him into the compound. Okay, I know this might be a great loss for some people in the town, but can we magically seal him in the come house? Arnie, listen to yourself.

What are you talking about? I can't seal the come house. I'm magic. I'm fine. I'm fine. Oh shit, you've said, oh, that's right, you've got stabbed. Oh, you got stabbed.

You've stabbed all the time. And I know what would make you feel better. Open the door, shove in. Oh, hold on. You're still a don't look at me. No, turn, turn, turn, don't be. Oh, I'm going to grab my hand. Jump in.

I can get out of here. I can get out of here. Oh, I can get out of here. Okay, okay, okay, okay. No, I'll just, uh I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, I'll just casually walk away. Well, do you listen there?

Yeah, a lot of fun. This episode. And just, you know. I want to come. If can you buy us beer? Yeah, I guess so. What do you need? What do you want? You're the one? I'm so sorry You're the one that I sort of betrayed all the other teenagers aren't you you were just putting yourself out there and answering my question I'm sorry about that

So I don't care if you buy me beer We even okay, then you want some of that I don't care Okay, bullshit. I don't remember what it was called. I'm so sorry, I'm not trying to judge you on your drink. I just keep couldn't remember the name. No, my friends won't beer. I don't want coconut bangers anymore. It's a baby drink for babies.

Hey, you know what? If that's what you like. I happen to know that one of the most powerful and evil death nights in all of Foon drinks that coconut banger's stuff. Okay. I'm sorry, it's my own fault for trying to relate to you. Hey other teens, he wants more coconut bangers.

Oh no! Twain, Twain Twain Twain! Hi, it's Tudon and it's a guitar. He's gonna sing a song, yeah! Almost done tuning my guitar. Hey folks, I'm Tim and the Bard. Here with some sponsored content from Coconut Bangers Rum. When you want to get low and limbo, choose the only rum that makes your Tom Go Yum. Two, three, four. 4 Today was gonna be the day From the end of the year Yeah!

Don't be mad Probably in your butt and it's gonna taste just as good I can't believe that anybody is still listening to all of this Ha! For all of you Every single time, you think you're mentally prepared for Arnie singing, and then you realize, nothing can ever truly prepare you. Usador the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refy.

Callah Haxerus the Grim was played by special guest Brennan Lee Mulligan. Check out Brennan's actual play podcast, World's Beyond Number, wherever you get your podcasts, and check out the new season of Dimension 20 with Brennan as the DM on Dropout TV. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern is an independent production. Made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Adam Bulby Low, Emily F. Robert Edwards, Doug Niemella, Sydney M, Zoe Alexandra Heyman,

Skate Tricks, Kyle Luscoviac, Lexi, Suffruki, Tyler Thurman, Oli Levoid General, I know I've thanked you before Oli. How much you're throwing at Patreon? What are you paying Adles rent? Cullen Campbell and Brianna Bear. Patrons get thanked twice if you're Oli. They also get ad-free episodes.

The entire back catalog including all the previous spin-offs in at least two new bonus episodes each month. That's one bonus episode for every time I've name checked Oli Levoig and Ro. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, where Arnie Chountain used it or tried to renovate a house. You can hear me knocking, but I also just like to say knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Ha, ha, ha, hello there boys. Ha, ha, ha, flex Chapman. Oh, flex Chapman was behind that wall. Are you, you found a stud?

You found a stud in the wall. Yes, I'm a little stud in the wall. How can I help you boys? Flex, sorry about my little bikini. Flex, flex, flex. Whoa, why are you wearing a full bikini? Because I'm a stud. Oh, wow. Oh no, Arnie, this is good. Usually it takes a bit of practice to find a stud. Oh, wow. Oh, no, Arnie, this is good.

Usually it takes a bit of practice to find a stud, but you found them right away. So I think what happens is we ask him where we should hang stuff in the shack. And the property mother always say, when you're renovating, start with hanging stuff up. Always. Oh, of course.

That's the first, that's the first, that's the first that, like, now, now, now, and know that once we hang stuff up, if we want to paint the walls, we just have to paint over the stuff. So just know that that's gonna affect the aesthetic. So if there is something you don't want painted over, don't hang it on the wall.

Okay. But really isn't that what makes it a home, all those little nice touches of pictures and things and memories that really bring it to life. Then, once all those are hung, well, rip out the floors! That's not the only thing that's hung. Flex Chapman! Flex, stop pointing at your dick. Sorry about that, just...

have it, I guess. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arneanie Camp, Matt Young, and Adolfiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz, and with the launch of the second season of... Wait a minute, is this a plug for Garrett? What can anyone have one of these now? Ugh, I guess I'll treat this as an acting exercise for feigning support. Get those reps in. With the launch of the second season of The Wheel of Time on Amazon Prime later this week,

also returning as one of Garrett's other projects. The Wheel of Time show about the Wheel of Time show, a podcast that has insightful observations, thoughtful segments, and sometimes angry shouting while discussing each episode. It's fun and has been described by some as listenable. Search for the Wheel of Time show about the Wheel of Time show wherever you listen to podcasts. Episodes are available now. Moment of support over. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alert Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Whoa, finally. Sorry about that everyone. Me and Yusodora managed to escape from the terrible clutches of the come house. We were sealed in there.

Some terrible, oh god, some dehydrated warlock. Put a spell on there, and we got out. See, everybody have some pineapple juice? That's not what that's for. It goes great with the room term. Tell me, am I right? Yusodora. Yep. I'm really happy we shared that moment in the, yeah, I was really, uh,

you know what, at first I got scared and then I just went with it and we locked eyes and I was like, this is cool, we're cool. We're cool. Hey, when the fate of Foom is finally determined, I know that you and I shall find ourselves on opposite sides and I shall do everything in my power to cut the head from your shoulders but before that you're super cool dude. Same, I shall cast you in flame and send you back to the pits of hell but until then thumbs up. All right Arning are you seeing this? Yeah.

Never underestimate the power of coming together. It's true. Try you constantly trying to convince me of that. Today is gonna be the day that the guy you're gonna like to use. Alright.