Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 88 - Child Warlord (w/ Mark McConville)

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

Polposh the Wise is an adorable seven year old trying to recruit men to join his army.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiPolposh the Wise: Mark McConvilleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Mike Williams set off on a hunting trip in a North Florida lake, or it was thought he met his fate in the jaws of a vicious alligator, except that's not what happened. And after the uncovering of a secret love affair, the truth would finally be revealed. Binge all episodes of Over My Dead Body, Gone Hunting, right now, ad-free, on One Drey Plus. When we think of sports stories,

we tend to think of tales of epic on-the-field glory, or incredible against all odds, come back stories. But the new podcast Sports Explains the World brings you some of the wildest and most surprising sports stories you've never heard. Listen to Sports Explains the World on the Wondering app or wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast, Cinnamon Rolls, is not real, and should not be taken budget convertible as evidence of the existence of other worlds. Furthermore, pile of broken furbies, I've safeguarded against this transmission being scraped by your primitive Earth AI, for use in future projects by Poodle Orgy, peppering it with random phrases. Good luck making a screenplay out of this hot garbage chat GPT.

Now sit back and bagel Javilan enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical end of the film. I'm your host Arnie Eatcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Eight years and several months ago, I fell through dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fume. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift.

And I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the unnamed rural mountain, in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chun the talking Badger. Chun's up with that. Chun's up with that, buddy. How you doing, big guy? I'm doing okay. Mm-hmm. You know, it's not easy being the greatest warrior in all Foon, even though I don't really devote a lot of time to it. Oh, wait, sorry, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ah, sorry, I had this little couch made. Let me run up your arm onto your shoulder,

but then this little couch, and let me just lay on it. Go ahead, you were saying, okay, are you? Try, are you trying to therapist me? I would never put on my little glasses, it takes that a little note pad. So, why did you start feeling this way? I think it's when you put the couch on my shoulder

and like down on it, which is usually something the patient does. The couch represents childhood. I guess, I guess it is my better judgment. Yes, I would say that like, when I think of a couch, I do think about childhood. I used to take those little canes, you get the fair and sort of like,

you get in like a ring toss and sort of use them to try to pretend to pole vault over the couch. But it really just like sticking the cane under the ground and then jumping off. Oh, sure. Client is speaking to you, Bruce. Can someone on Earth be two-tall? I'll just put them, yes. Speaking to Bruce, can someone on Earth be too tall?

I'll just put them, yes. Okay. Olli, have we ever told you about Freud? No. It's a terrible, frozen void, the Freud, and I just came back from there because I was getting a magical item of such great power to help protect the wizard's drain, the wizard's choice award, which is only a couple months away.

So you just came back from the Freud with an item. Uh huh. I gotta say, you know what that item reminds me of that you got back from the Freud. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Breakthrough, big breakthrough. It just looks like a big dick.

Looks like a big guess. No, everything's a penis. Everything's a penis. Look at it, though. It's a one. First of all, it's a wand. Look at it, though. It's a wand. First of all, it's a wand. Okay. Second of all. It's a girthy wand.

You gotta say girthy wand. Wands don't have balls. Those are crystals that help focus its power. Uh-huh. And then at the other end, there's this sort of mushroom-shaped tip that helps fire the magic out of the other end. Sure, and the divot in the head of the wand, that's for...

That's where the magic comes out. That's where the magic comes out, of course. Yeah, that's for, hey. What? All right, let me move my couch and run up, use it or shoulder and put the couch down. And use it or how long have you been obsessed with wand? Did you see your father's wand in the shower?

From the moment I was brought into this world by a conspiracy of bird and rain at wind and fire! Oh, I could think I was getting a hold of a wand. Holding it in my hand, looking at it, and stroking it until all of the magic came out. All in magic. I spilled some meat on these parchments, and I just want you to tell me what you see. Here's the first one. Ah, penis.

Yep, you're kidding me. Next one. Three penises. Oh, sorry, that was upside down. Let me turn it. Four penises. Should be four. We'll hold chunt in his defense.

You definitely drew penises. Oh, yeah, sorry. Did I say spilled meat? I meant, drew his penises. This is more, you definitely drew penises. Oh, yeah, sorry, did I say spilled meat? I meant, drew his news. This is more on you. Interesting, interesting. Okay. All right.

About we have to be ready for the Wizards Choice Awards. It's only a couple of months away, and we have to have guards, and we have to have magical items to protect all the Wizards and magical items to protect the other magical items. They're, honey, they're going magical items there. Unlike any you have ever seen, things that could change the very course of time,

things that could alter reality as we know it. Oh, it's gonna be a shitmanger. Okay, over inflated sense of self, seems to have a head of this complex. Hmm. Things that can change time feel very narrative destroying to me. Well, I-I mean, I-I-I-we're not gonna use them all, but they need to be there for the awards, and that's why I have this. This wand that I got out of the Freud.

Alright, what does this cock and balls do exactly? I've said that before. I mean... It's... I also do exactly. I've said that before. I'm gonna take a moment. Oh, my no pad caught on fire. This is too much.

This is time. I have to take all these glasses. This is all I have to revisit this. I think it's too much therapy at one time that my no pad exploded. Yeah, you sure? How are you? How are you going to use this?

Well, actually, it just sort of makes fireworks. Makes pretty lights and explosions and things. It's sort of for the, makes pretty lights and explosions and things. It's sort of for the festival ambiance, but I went deep into the frozen void to get it. Are the votes already in or are you hoping to sort of wow and awe the judges for some final sort of talent? I'm doing all the canvassing right now. Sure. I'm getting the name out there, I'm saying, you know, think about you,

so to all four of us, it's Choice Awards this year. He did kill the Dark Lord. Yeah. I got one of your buttons that says, I hope you're feeling blue, I have with the big thumbs up. What do you think about that? Pretty good, right?

Good, yeah, I think it's a nice turn of phrase. Yeah, I'll vote for you. I mean, I don't think I get about it, but if I did, I'd vote for you. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but it's gonna be a real shipping, are you guys you said that word several times. Oh, yeah, it's gonna be a real shit Banger break that down banging shit. I don't know. I don't know. We don't unpack this. Ernie What else is going on? It anything else anything else in the world? Well, we have a guest. Oh boy. This is boy

Truly a boy. Hello. Hello. What's your name? Hey, what's going on? My name's Polposh, but why? Oh, that's adorable. Don't touch on my hair, big man. Oh. I don't know if you're old enough to be in this, Tavin, young man. I'm old enough to lead man into war, so I guess I'm old enough to be in this dump. Aww. Hems thinks he's warrior.

You probably heard a lot of words a moment ago that you don't understand. A wand is sort of a, oh how to describe a wand. A cock and ball? Oh no, I love this kid. This kid rules. I came in here because I heard there's the greatest warrior in the whole land around here and I could use someone like him for my roving barbarian horde. Oh that's true.

I-onnie here is, uh is the greatest warrior in all the food. Take which one? Me. Look, me, the tall one. I'm the greatest warrior in all the food. Yeah. For real? Yeah.

Look at my eyebrows. Don't they look at least a little menacing? Well, that's the first tenon of one of my strategies of war, menace. Oh. I used to, you have a whole philosophy of war? Check out this scroll. Whoa!

That's a lot of cranscribbles. Yes, still and rolling. Wow, this is big as you. These are some of my musings about war, battle, strategy. This scroll's a real shitbanger, isn't it? Okay, so here it says, if a man is your enemy, kill that man, but then there's a picture of a house with three people holding hands and sort of a son in the corner with four rays of light. Yeah! Any questions?

Yeah, one question. Your name was Pudpole, what was your name again? Mine's, um, Polposh the wife. Polposh, okay. It's a. Mine's um, Polposh the wise. Polposh, okay. It's a pleasure to meet you, Polposh. Maybe you've heard of my roving band of fearless barbarian warriors who trample everybody in sight and take what they want. I'm their leader. Sure you are, buddy.

I'm their key strategist in general, and I'm seven. Well, I tell you what, if you're their key strategist, then I have something to add to your strategy. This is behind your ear, it's a silver piece. Why don't you go get yourself some candy? Oh, I see you've read page 64 of my scroll. Talk down to your enemy to make them feel less then, so you can be more effective in battle.

I like you, Squirrel. Oh, shit. can be more effective in battle. I like you Squirrel. Oh shit. He turned it around on him. What that slide actually, yeah. Yeah, that slide. I would have to say, Yugman, we're very impressed. You have a lot of rules here and you seem to really know what you're talking about. What are some of the great military conquests you've already managed to get under your belt. Oh, perhaps you've heard of the siege of Blood Forge. Oh. Long spears with poison on the tips. That was me. Oh.

How do you put poison on a long spear tip? Well, it's gotta be a tricky maneuver. We just walked to the end of the spear. Are you sure the greatest warrior? Oh, fuck. He's right. You just walked into the spear, aren't you? You just go down to the pointy end of the spear. You apply some poison to you, then you walk back down to the other side of it.

Do you really accidentally put poison on the handle by accident? Well, you should be wearing gloves if you've read page 94 of my scroll. Mmmmm. Always wear gloves. AWG. That makes it easier to remember. That doesn't seem related to poison though. You always should be wearing gloves.

Well, it has to do with poison, but also has to do with grip. And not wanting, you want to have nice hands for when you come home from the war. And perhaps you have to reestablish your family because your wife has left you for the mother man who was not brave enough to take on battle. Anyway, that's in the appendix. Okay, I see what's going on here. Long spears pinch the tip. Where a glove. We're talking about penises again. I don't think so. Not with a seven-year-old boy. I wasn't. Guys, it's cool. I've been in the war fields. I've seen a thing or two.

Okay, you're seeing two penises? No, I'm chung. He said a thing or two. He said I've seen a thing or two. I know, but he's a child. Look, we've gotten all of our cock and balls talk out of the way and just like use your mental kagels and just stab it, just like, ugh. Hey, guys, like I said before, I'm seven.

I'm practically middle aged. Oh, that's so sad. It's pretty old for being infooned, to be honest, but uh, uh, it's, but ice, I must admit, you've accomplished quite a bit at seven. Uh, often seven-year-olds are still soldiers in the front of the lines, or, uh, you know, they aren't actually warlords yet. No, but that I'm wise beyond my years. That's why they call me Popeye the wise. In fact, if you heard of my BATL strategy, that's easy to remember in the stroze of war, when the fog of war is descended upon you and you can't think straight, you can always remember BATL-E.

Guys, I don't know if he's trying to avoid saying battle. I don't know if he can't say the word battle. I don't know if it's like when it dogs around and you don't want to say the word food. I don't know what it is. No, Possum, it's a six point strategy to stay alive during war. Oh, B. Okay, here he goes, B stands for,

B, where there's a war happening. Good start. Yeah, okay. The B stands for B, E, that sucks. Well, I'm seven, leave me alone. The Beast is the bee that sucks. Well, I'm seven. Leave me alone. You can't use it both ways. No, it's just the first letter of the phrase.

Be aware there's a war going on. A, a war is happening. Pay attention. Awareness, and then focus. I love it. T, tell your friends where you're going to be so that when the war's over, you can sort of meet up and get back together

and just sort of assess how it went for everybody. Communication. Yeah, that sounds nice. The next T is a tricky one, which is trick your opponents. Oh, I like that. That is the tricky one. L, lie down and pretend to be dead

if you see a dragon or some other beast that's probably gonna just eat you alive if the enemy has that stuff, like just lie down. And then E is, everybody gets cake, battle. Oh, I like that one. That is my favorite part of war, when everyone gets cake. Wait, did you miss an L?

No, he didn't miss an L. Listen up, possum! What's wrong? You gotta get your fur out of your ears. No, I guess I do have fur in my ears. I'm sorry, I just, I guess I did. Well, it's causing problems with hearing, and that would also affect the B and the A of battle, because you're not aware, and you're not acting

like you, there's a war going on. Arne, do something, stay up for me. I don't die, I mean, he just just got you with that sick possum burn. I don't even really know how to pull you back from that one. A chunt, just listen and learn from the wisdom here. I-a-b-a-t-t-l-e is just a way to help you remember how to behave if you ever find yourself in the middle of a war. You should- or what the f- you battles how to remember?

Do you remember- repeat anything from battle? Repeat it right now. Be aware middle of a war, you should or what the you battles how to remember do you remember repeat anything from battle repeat it right now Be aware there's a war going on. Okay, you got lucky. That's an easy one though. That's the most intuitive one Act like there's a way not going on Act like there's a war going on Tell your friends where you're going to be so you know where to meet up later after the war is over Tell your friends where you're going to be so you know where to meet up later after the war is over It's pretty good advice trick your enemies Lay down if there's a dragon coming everyone gets cake This guy gets it and I would love to recruit you into my battalion

I feel like hearing it twice. It's been cemented in my brain and I'm never gonna forget it Arnie go ahead go fuck We call the Eagle screamers and if you're interested in coming down and just, you know, throwing a spear around, or swinging a sword, or shooting a bone arrow that's on fire, any number of the things in my scroll, we could really use the help. Why do a lot of magic, so I'd be a big help to your group if you'd let me join. Serious? Yeah, oh yeah.

You know magic? Oh yeah, watch this. This is awesome! Pretty cool, right? Yeah, oh yeah, you know magic. Oh, yeah, watch this This is awesome pretty cool, right those were Cox and balls. Yeah both I set him on fire flying through the sky Arnie I've never seen used or recruited before usually he's the one doing the recruiting. This is weird When do you when do you usually meet up basically every day, we just roam the plains and deserts, stealing and taking anything, just mainly killing, pillaging,

sort of like doing what we have to survive. You aren't going around and say, helping a village in need or saving a damsel or a gentleman who in distress or something like that. I guess like if the village needs to die, we're helping them with that. Okay. Do you have any like goal in mind?

Like are you like marching towards some destination or to sort of take over? Yes, of course. The final destination of all wars, total domination of your opponent. Well, who is your opponent? Anyone who isn't my friend. So basically everyone, but also like,

I want you to think you're my friend, so that you don't know that I'm gonna attack you. Wait, what? Pretty great, huh? Wait, so if you want everyone to think you're there, your friend, would you then try to recruit them into your group, so that you could attack them? You can't lose a war, you're not fighting, that's another, that's like page three.

Whoa. Is that a wire you? Careful you said or he might be trying to trick you like either the B-A or L from his whole thing. You can't lose a war you're not fighting. I need to take a quick break and think about that. Interesting Arnie, you said the B, the A or the L, there's 2L, so you just spilled ball. Interesting, let's take a break and we'll unpack that when we come back. There aren't 2Ls. Why are you keep thinking there are 2Ls?

There's 2Ls on battle. No, there's not you damn raccoon! Now, Paul, you said you're seven, which is practically middle-aged. Is that your rocking horse out front? Well, yeah. You seriously have not heard of me or am I scrolled? Do you or are you not a reader? I'm a avid, I'm a voracious rabbit reader. You gotta get your hands on this scroll, man, because even though these are muting about

war and battle, they're applicable in life and business. Oh. Well, what I'll say is this scroll is, it looks very cool, but it does seem to be hand drawn in a lot of crayon. Have you ever made copies or is this the only one that exists? Well, yeah, I made copies, because then all I do is just roll the paper on this paper

and it just sort of like rubs off. That's why it's so faint. Hmm. You say that these tenants are also applicable to life and business. Relationships? Basically anything you might encounter or are they? Oh wow. I suppose let's see if I want... act like there's a war going on, I don't exactly see how that helps me in a relationship. Relationships are war! Oh! Huh, I mean, that's a pretty cynical attitude for a seven-year-old to have.

And remember what I said earlier, you can't lose the war, you're not fighting. Arnie, you say that's uncentical, but think about every conversation you've ever had with Chun. You can't win a war, you're not fighting. Arnie, you say that's uncentical. But think about every conversation you've ever had with Chun. You can't win a war, you're not fighting. I guess that's true. I use these tenants in war, in battle, and in my relationship with my nine wives. So what? It really keeps me at level-headed

and dominant in performance in all facets of my life. You have nine wives, but if I look down here at tenant number 27, and dominant in performance in all facets of my life. You have nine wives, but if I look down here at tenant number 27, it says gag me with a spoon. Girls are gross. Space, of course. Moment of reflection on girls being so gross. Ew, the East Ends for Ew, girls are gross.

There's another space, what do I say, the W. Oh, it's very faint right here. I think you've made too many copies. Look, who said I was married to a girl? Oh. One of my wives is a bird. One of my wives is a pitcher of water. Wives don't have to be wives.

This is part of war. Things that you think are a thing, they're actually not that thing. Whoa. That's on page 31. I guess that's progressive. I want to say you're being ridiculous, but we've literally had someone dating birds

and being in a relationship with a glass of water on this show. So are you interesting, interesting choice of words, ridiculous, interesting. Oh, that is interesting, write that down, Chuck. I like that I'm the guy, I'm loony-tuneer and you've already met people

that are already in relationships that are just like mine. So impoliann worth big deal. I think that that's totally fine. Uh, of course, and uh, what I want to know is how in your relationships, uh, do you apply the many tenants of your scroll here, uh, to be successful, like, like, how do you, how do you open the lines of communication and make those relationships work? It's simple magic, man. Oh, what I do is in my time of reflection and meditation, I have little

conversations with myself and the person that I'm trying to dominate. So I might say, hey, I don't appreciate the way you're looking at me. And then I will play the role of the other person to go, I'm sorry that I looked at you that way. And I'll say, that's right. And then I will just repeat that later on. And it generally, that seems to work. I'm also a highly respected, high ranking military official in my barbarian clan. So kind of whatever I say goes. OK.

I've never heard somebody highly respected refer to themselves as highly respected. I'm sorry to say that I have. If this barbarian clan is just going about, causing havoc wherever they go, aren't you worried that the forces of good Well, line themselves against you and force you to stand down and say no more I have your wicked ways. I won't be intimidated because I'll be on top of a hill. Oh Never attack somebody going uphill. That's one of the first rules of war. That's really good.

So I always try to be on top of a hill. Basically every day of my life, you do always want the higher ground. That is true. Okay, this kid's got this kid's got something. Okay. Okay, you're putting it together, Owl Bear. I'm sorry, I keep sheepshifting. My emotions are getting a little out of control. So you were actually dead on. Oh, that's awesome. You're a shape shifter? I am. I can turn into, and name any creature at all. Okay.

A super ugly octopus who also has a complex about existential, like wire weave in here, like that kind of thing. And also he's got stripes. And also he sings songs like just like funny little songs about Fruit's vegetables. Yeah, and his breath smells like fogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah That's not what my power is for. Come on. I'm grow up both of you grow up He's a long form shape shifter not a short form shape shifter. Thank you. Let me take off this Viking helmet

I know you've already asked me to join your group. What's the name of the group again? Oh, we're just like the Bandito, there's something. It changed it though. Well, I swear I had Eagle. Eagle was in the name somewhere. Oh yeah, there's Eagle Scramers. We have a couple names, eyeball gougers.

Ooh. I like it. Yeah, the Scramers, I'm a big fan of that one. I know you've recruited me, and I'd be happy to join, but you know, Chant is a shapeshifter, as he just mentioned. And Ani is the greatest warrior in all of food. So, well, that's why I came here

because I had to see this, the great warrior, to see if there was a strategy that could defeat the might and muscle of such a grand specimen. But I'm sort of seeing like, maybe I don't even need to scroll anymore, maybe? Yeah. Hold on, you're saying you could take me? You would even have weapons.

What's going on here? Hmm. Yeah, he doesn't have weapons, but also, you're wearing sweat armor. You know, that fabric that looks like armor, but it's really like sweat pants. Yeah, because I'm the brains of the operation. Looks comfortable.

Yeah, I mean, it does look comfortable, Arnie, but it's not going to protect from a later an arrow. And I guess so. And when are you going to turn into that cool octopus, I thought of here fine. I'll turn into octopus and there my friends smells like farts or whatever and I'm striped. There you go. Sing the song about fruits and vegetables. Come on, man. No bananas, bananas, celery and fruit, all of them together. You're gonna get it, put. You got it. Come on.

Okay, that was pretty great. It was basically the greatest thing I've seen in my whole long life. Thank you. Thank you. I'm seven. Yeah, we've established that. So, Polpash, you were here to size me up and figure out a way to defeat me in battle? Well, basically, just over that mountain,

there's a huge war going on. And I just sort of like had to come down and see what was going on down here. Maybe we cut down around the mountain and sort of like reassess what we want to do. You know, it's a real freeform thing. John, use it or I don't enjoy doing this. I'm not going to hurt him, but I do have to find a way

to exert my dominance. So, excuse me, Polpash, I'm going to shove you off. Whoa! Oh, come on, honey. I just got a little cake. This is a loose, loose situation for you. That was fun. Could you do it again, please? OK, I liked it. I don't know how to do this shit. I don't know how to not beat up a kid in public. What are you doing? This is not a good luck. Honey, it's very simple.

Be aware there's a war going on. I'm packed like there's a war going on. Okay. Tell your friends where you're going to be so you can meet up later. Okay. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be simple. Be aware there's a war going on. Packed like there's a war going on. Okay. Tell your friends where you're gonna be so you can meet up later. The other one.

It's trickier enemies. Trickier enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies.

They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. They're enemies. and everyone gets cake. Have you guys ever seen a dragon by the way? We've seen a teenage dragon. Yeah, there's a teenage dragon in the basement right now. Oh, thirdly?

Yeah. You go down there? Is there anything else down there? Let's go down there right now. No, I can't go down there. I love basement. Because we had to remember, let's not mention the basement anymore.

We spent a lot of time trying to keep people out of the basement. They're getting rid of a pixies in the basement right now. It's filled with pixies. That's not very youthful to my purposes, so I'm willing to look the other way. Good, and I'm not taking you to the other place that's near the basement. Believe you, me.

Listen, Paul, why don't we, who here I'll put out a parchment on the table and we can go through some strategies if you wanna pick our brains? Let's talk terrain. How about that? Okay. Yeah. Obviously we've gone over my heel thoughts. Sure. Be at the top. I also have some musings about ice. Oh, like what? Basically stay away because that stuff's breaking and you're gonna freeze in the water. Oh, you can also slip. Yeah, that's right. This guy gets it Look, I got I have the same opinion about Mario levels and Christopher Nolan movies the snow levels always the worst

That sounds about right Who's Christopher Nolan? Don't don't get me started. Well anyways planes are pretty good But then you got to watch out for horse people and like anybody that's riding an elephant, because they might just stab you with a longer spear than the one you have. So planes are pretty complicated. Spear of the Mace's are pretty good, because you can kind of be up on it. It's sort of like, you know, if there was an appendix that was referencing other parts of the book, you might see like, see hills.

See hills, you're right. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Well, the good thing about planes is, now that I'm on your team, we can just set the whole thing aflame. Oh, that's chapter 11, using fire the weapon. OK, great.

Yeah, that's a pretty sweet strategy, no matter what. Basically, you can light soldiers on fire. You can light their food on fire. You can light where they sleep on fire. You can light their fire on fire. Oh, possibilities are basically- Wait, you can light their fire on fire, you can light where they sleep on fire, you can light their fire on fire. The possibilities are basically- Wait, you can light their fire on fire? Oh yeah. Hell yeah dude!

You've gotta get out here to see some of these battles, man. I'm really thinking outside the box. Yeah, look right over there at the fireplace where the pot is hanging over the fire. I have- I'll say that I know what magic man's gonna do here. I'll set that fire on fire. Please do. See, there's a flame on top of the flame. Like exactly how I would do it. This guy knows war and he's probably never even been in one.

I'm putting that fire down to the ground. Holy shit, that second fire is really decimating that first fire. See? And that's just part of the strategy for the low low price of $6,999 gold pieces you two can have one of my scrolls and then it's just an ongoing payment of $12,99 per month cancel any time no obligation to follow okay see how much gold I've got to scrape some gold together, yeah? Yeah, here's 70 gold. Okay, sweet. And then I owe you a little bit every month. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What? Hold on, Posh. Do you have any evidence of this army that's supposedly following you? Oh, yeah. Everywhere that's just that there's nothing. That's where we used to be. That's pretty impressive. So that's just, that there's nothing? That's where we used to be. That's pretty impressive. So that's basically proof.

The Freud, the frozen void, they must have decimated that place. Oh yeah, that's where I learned about the ice and the whole thing about falling through. We lost a lot of good soldiers that day. And one crocodile that we had trained to do sort of like battle tricks. Oh, what kind of tricks? Oh, it would do like sort of distractionary tactics like I'm gonna bite your leg and then you know,

someone would just like swoop in with a sword or like shoot him with an arrow while they were distracted by the crocodile. So you had a crocodile and you were using it to distract people and not actually attack people. Well, it was a pacifist crocodile. Uh, it was in a while, crocodile. All right, think about how distracting it would be. If a crocodile said, I'm gonna bite your leg, you'd be like, that's all you'd be thinking about. You wouldn't even notice someone coming up to you with a sword.

Yeah, you wouldn't even notice that you got run through by one of my greatest barbarian warriors. Right, it'd be too late, and that's part of my master's strategy. Mmm. Anyway, don't trust anything that flies. That's another huge one. Wait, is it one of your wives a bird?

Yeah, and that's why I don't trust her. Or do I? I'm always tricking my enemies. Okay, Arna, use it or... Yeah. I don't think that this is like some military strategist, okay? I think this is a QVC. You know, a quite vexing child?

Those children that run, they're like Hucksters, they go around and they try and like get you to buy into their programs. Yeah, but they're always asking you for a bunch of money and then a series of payments where they charge you extra on the interest and the other side. Yeah, but you can't trust these QVCs because the quality of what they're selling is shit. and then a series of payments where they charge you extra on the interest and the other side. Yeah, but you can't trust these QDCs because the quality of what they're selling is shit. Okay, well, I already paid Michael.

And they always find loopholes. Wait, wait, a bull. You said my friend could cancel it any time? Yeah, there's no obligation. And I'm not lying. Why are you winking when you say that? Oh, there's war in my eye. Oh, yeah.

That makes sense. Should I just try to cancel? Just to see if I can. Yeah, I can. Yeah. Pol, I'm just going to go ahead and cancel. Oh, is that right? Was there something wrong with your servants today, sir?

Well, no. I just, you're not satisfied with the wisdom and the strategy that I provide from my seven years of experience as a warlord and worth strategist? I wouldn't say that. I used to... I used to have a Catholic any time, and I just thought this time, he bizzopartune is... As to speak to you. As to speak to you.

As to speak to you. Can I speak to you or a superior? Well, before we do something like that, then send you directly to the Escalation Department, what if I told you I could get you this fabulous studded leather in this camel color? Oh. And that's for no obligation, and that's free on us,

just to keep you here on our program. It's free? Well, this seems like it might take a while, so why don't we take a quick break while I Negotiate the my cancellation go try it on maybe go out in the battlefield see if it has like You know if Stephen arrow can penetrate it or whatever. I'll just be right here with my trunk full of other War trophies and such an arrow penetrate Come on, John. that tell me about all of the reptiles in food. That's right, and don't get it twisted. You have the leather bracelets, but did you not try on this fabulous, full-body armor?

It's gonna protect you from basically everything. It's slightly enchanted by a witch that we did have to kill. Oh! Okay, well, yeah, I mean, it's a little snug on me, but I like it, I mean. I think it's a little snug on me, but I but I like it. I mean I think it looks very But you know what man? It's up to you. Whatever you want to do. That's fine with me Yeah, I'll just stick around. I don't need to cancel it. I don't even need to cancel I mean, look at all this great stuff. I got plus you're gonna learn a lot about reptile friend

What gonna learn so much about reptiles, chunt? Zoo scrolls. Actually, sounds kind of fun. Do you have any scrolls about the supernatural or unsolved mysteries? Yeah, well, that's not really my thing, but I do have some of those. Oh, okay. Sign me up for that. What kind of mysteries do you like? Just ones that are unsolved. So, nothing about like solved mysteries, like...

Yeah, nothing so... I did sort of solve a mystery once. Oh, through my cunning strategy, the war, I figured out who the bog lady was. You know the bog lady? No, I don't. That's a total mystery, man. You figured out who the bog lady is?

Yeah, we walked to the edge of this bog and just sort of like waited in there and we just surrounded her. Which is another tenet of war that's super important, surround your enemy. Sorry, so who was the bog lady? Her name was Doris, and she was pretty great. Arnie, you see that?

He's looking up into the left, which is what people do when they lie. She also, she was also involved in like the thing where she was like trading every weekend, they would just like swap clothes and other sundries. Arnie, do you know how many details he's giving when someone lies, they give way too many details? He's also touching his face.

She was wearing this sort of like blue thing, but also like if you looked at it in a different way, it sort of look gold, you just like couldn't tell which color it was and like we spent a good half hour that we could have been training Which is also a huge part of work where you want to be Honestly training is like 90% of war and we should have been training But we were just debating whether to stress with blue or gold John, I think you're right that he's making it up But also he kind of just tells the story like a child.

Yeah, it's tough to kind of suss out, you're right. It's too bad they're on three T's in battles so that you could have training in there. Yeah, there's no word like T battle, which would be awesome. We'll use one of the L's. Let's go battle. There's only one L. There's only one. Jesus.

Jesus, Christ? Shazza's, Christ. I gotta get back to the war. If anyone coming with me or you guys is gonna sit around in this dusty old bar and stare each other. Well, walk me through. Say I conscript into your, into your, uh, battalion, barbeque, I ins you. What will it be like? Like walk me through what my life will be like.

Under my tutelage, you'll wake up every single morning, right around when the birds start singing and the sun's arising. Under your tutelage will wake up. Come on, man. This sucks. There's more to it. Have you seen the size of this scroll? Yeah. We'll begin training after a meager breakfast. Then we'll start sharpening weapons.

And using my strategies, we'll try them out on each other. There'll be a lot of rolling around, scrappling, scrambling. What do they call that when you grab, grappling? Yeah, they'll be grappling and scrappling. That's basically gonna take us until 8.30. That's basically going to take us until 830. That's when everybody's getting some juice. Okay. So a full morning of grappling and scrappling and then some juice.

Then we'll have to tend to animals. We'll make sure our fire supplies are, you know, on point. There will be also, yeah, like I said, animal tending. Now with Chump there, does he grapple and scraple, or do we just tend to him during the animal bit? Oh, that's a great question, Magic Man, and I'm super glad you asked it. Thank you. Probably part of his scrappling and grappling is going to do a lot of the grooming right

then and there, because you're really just rolling around on the ground together, getting into a sure. Okay. So, then we're're probably gonna move across some terrain. I've covered some of those. There are more that I could get into, but for the interest of time, a sort of like, just say, we're gonna be walking a lot.

There's also gonna be a ton of drums. Wait, interest of time, you made it seem like there is no interest. What do you mean? I'm saying I'm skipping over all of the terrains that I could possibly be talking about unless you really want me to get into them. John, do you want him to list all the terrains? No, I don't, but I'm just saying when he's kind of selling us on this. Go ahead, list them off.

It seemed like he was, uh, there's forest. Okay, those are tough, because there's a lot of trees, and there's a lot of brush that you have to surround yourself with. Also, there's jungles. I don't know if you've ever sweat through your clothes, but all you gotta do is spend five minutes in a jungle, and gosh darn it, you're gonna really be feeling it in your squeezy. It's a jungle, basically, just a sweaty forest. It's a wet forest. It's under...

They're well, okay, but you'd think so, but then also there's wet forests, which I was getting to. Okay, those are forests that are wet, but they're not jungles because the heat is not a factor. So who's the strategist now? Yeah, which is also different than swabs. Swamp's they're tough, okay? That's, that's one you want to go around. There's also sea shores. I don't really go in for aquatic stuff But that is a possibility if you've got an armada or a fleet Let's see there's tundra. There's lava fields. There's also like just quick sand, which is yeah Super fun. That's pretty cool. You wouldn't think it would be fun, but it's great. What's fun about it? Well, you just like you get sucked under it and it's like you have trouble breathing and then someone pulls you out Yeah, your friend is getting pulled down and you throw them a vine and then you get pulled in and then someone else

It's come along and pull you out at the last second and you've obviously grabbed the vine from when you were in the jungle or the wet forest Depending on which terrain you were before Quick thing because quick thing always adjacent to a jungle or the wet forest, depending on which terrain you were before, quicksand because quicksand is always adjacent to a jungle or a wet forest. I've really had a lot of time to think about this in my seven years on the... You know what's weird, no matter what world in the entire multiverse kids think a lot about quicksand? Don't we? It sucked under, grab a vine.

Boy, copious notes over here. Yeah, for someone who's complaining a second ago about terrains, all of a sudden you're super interested? No, I'm just, I'm just, are you an eagle screamer or not, Sean? Yeah, are you awful out enough to be an eye-gouger? Do you want me to turn to an eagle or an oslo? What am I doing here?

What are you doing here? This is part of my strategy. You're getting frazzled. And when you're frazzled in battle, you're battling frazzles. Battling frazzles. Can we go back to shoving this kid and put her foot on his head? It's your turn.

I felt like so weird after I did it. See? I'm being aware there's a war going on. I'm acting like there's a war going on. I'm doing the one T that I can't remember because I'm a little frazzled to be honest with you, but I am tricking my enemy. I'm laying down if there's a dragon which there isn't, and let's you can change into one of those. And, Ali, oops, shut!

Whoa, laying down! Well, I suppose it'd be easy to skip the tea that you skipped since your friends aren't here, and you couldn't tell them where you're gonna be after the war. This guy gets it! Arnie, I shoved him, but I don't think anyone noticed. Oh no, he said he was laying down. after the war. Arnie, I shoved him, but I don't think anyone noticed. Oh no, he said he was laying down. I thought you turned into a dragon, which is why I laid down, but I guess you were

just shoving me. I've never been shoved by whatever creature it is that you turn into, so excuse me. Trent, did you try stepping on his head? No, let me try that. I mean, I'm basically kid sized, so this isn't really. Yeah, it's isn't really. Yeah, it's not doing much. Is a small chipmunk tickling my little ear?

I mean, that's called intimidation, another tactic. I'm full of these. Full of something. I got a whole toolbox of war tools. Okay, so if you're actually like, what you say you are, or not just a little kid, where's some curse words, you know? And don't you say you are, or not just a little kid, where's some curse words you know? And don't giggle.

Fing, huh? Fing off! Fing off? Why don't you go get me a meat or an alie-star blaster? This is a kid, this is a fucking kid. Guys, look at him. He's scared to say it, he's making up curse words. I mean, they could be original, I guess they could be original things, but.

Perhaps Chant, he just has a little class Goddesses forbid there'd be a little bit of class on this show for once. Yeah, gash dick Sorry, sorry, it's fine. I've heard it all before but the profanity is a symbol of weakness where I come from So that's why you're not gonna hear hear any of that fills coming out of my mouth. Yeah, this sounds like a lot of our reviews on Apple Podcasts. Well, it's been great talking to you guys and I do mean that. Thank you. I've got some warriors to lead and I don't think any of you are up to snuff.

Oh, you're not interested in me joining anymore? Wizard, can I be honest with you? Yeah, please. When it comes to war, true magic just feels like cheating. Oh, it's looking up into the right, so it's telling the truth. Think about it. If you're one of those lightning guys, or you can make dirt into weapons, or you can just shoot fire out of your wand that looks like a penis and testicles. Right. That's a real advantage that most warriors aren't going to have.

So unfortunately the last page of my scroll will show. Wizard's Ain't Allowed Here. As much as I would love to see you lay waste to legions of my enemies. It just isn't fair. That's the Human Wizard Haters Club. Wizards ain't allowed here. Where? This is a fucking kid. This is a baby. Look, it says where. Come on! I-I understand. You're a very classy young gentleman.

You're made of super, super strong stuff, Mr. Withard, whose name I never got, and I don't think you ever said. Whatever I always have to say, it's fine. I can kinda do, you kinda do. I'm Yusudor, wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious, master of life and shadow, and if you later have magical delights, devour of chaos champion of the great halls of Trockus. The elves know me as being eloquent, the dwarves know me as Zonen in Hukstein, Jesus, and I am known in the northeast as Gastmanius Mastar. And there are names. Their names young Polpash, that if I did speak aloud, your enemies would not only die,

they would weep for days before that inevitable death devoured them from the inside out. It kills me to pass on this guy's rhythm. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. It just eats me up inside that I can't use this might and power to destroy my enemies, but it's just too easy. Hey, it's one of the rules. I understand, and I respect the choice you've made.

But that doesn't mean that Arnie and Chant aren't still available. Great, let's go to you, Fuzzball. What do you say? I'm out. Yeah, I don't like to walk. I don't really know those things, and all that appealing to me. You know what?

It's not for everybody. Yeah. It's not a life I chose. It's the life that chose me. And so it is with a sad heart, but also some relief that I say farewell Warrior withered furry thing We'll see you in the battlefield should I decide to descend upon this village in the meantime?

Stay frothy fuckers Stay frothy does that mean he's gonna fight us on ice? I hope not right he mentioned ice. He said to stay off of ice F**ker. Stay frosty. Does that mean he's gonna fight us on ice? Oh, I hope not. Right, he mentioned ice. He said to stay off of ice. He said stay off of ice, but then he said, or don't, I can't... What is he? He could be teethricking us.

I could be tricking us. Yeah, I think it's a lot of reverse psychology. I'm a little concerned about the war he mentioned over there outside of the mountain. If there's a war going on over there, should we look into that? I feel like we would have heard something like, look, I'm not sure if he's just been full of shit this whole time, or he has an army somewhere,

which maybe could be a problem, but also fuck. Someday they're gonna come up against the wizard. It gives me no pleasure to say it. That wizard's gonna fucking destroy that entire army. It's gonna be terrible. Oh yeah. Guys, guys, come to the window window look. He's on his rocking horse Forward and back and forth and he's not really going anywhere sort of very slowly making progress

Wait a second does this kid live in town? I mean there's some chance that this kid just lives in town It's it's possible. I mean also, he say there's a huge war, and a huge, to a seven-year-old child might be like, a skirmish to us, or just some people yelling at each other? Who knows, you know? Do we just get tricked into playing pretend with a kid in town? Mom, shut up! I got 70 gold pieces off with her, and you're gonna give me 12 gold pieces of mud!

There's a woman grabbing him by the ear, he's- You gotta let me- oh no, what is Let me go Excuse me are you the wizard that my son just conned? I don't believe so I believe we had a very salient conversation uh... salient conversation are they serious seven-deagle pieces

they are yes uh... but your notes away put your notes away clear notes away oh i see what it's like with you three just in your drawing penises disgusting oh interesting that you saw penises man because these are just random needs things

okay what did he say be aware there's a war going on Be aware there's a war going on. Act like there's a war going on. Tell you if it's ony-chunt. I think I'm going to war with this woman. Trick your enemies. I lay down if there's a dragon. Are you a dragon, ma'am?

No, I'm a woman who has to take her husband back to the war that's on the other side of the mountain. Oh, there is a war going on there. There is a war, okay. And what was the last one? Everyone have cake, of the mountain. Oh, there is a war going on there. There is a war, okay. And what was the last one? Everyone have cake. Ma'am, would you like a piece of cake?

I thought you'd never ask. For the record, I would have loved cake. My usual diet of sulfuric acid and cicada husks gets old sometimes. User of the wizard was played by Mat Young. Shunt the talking badger was played by Adolfie. Pullposh the wise was played by Mark McConville. Check out Mark's podcast, Mall Walking, where he and Mat Gourley wander the malls of Southern California. Go get it wherever you get your podcasts. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Jeremy Fanzler, Nikki Stevens, Cassie Bat, Salvador Salazar, Hannah and Ginny, Pancho Gomez,

Carly B, Amaya Nix, Nicholas Swamonathan, Chris Oster, Clarice, and Marco Rachel and Mateo. Patrons give ad-free episodes the entire back catalogue, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Mekamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refy, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Oh, no promotional blurb this week, Garrett? Not taking the credits hostage again to talk about upcoming road trips. Maybe a new baseball cap you've been eyeing in the store windows? Why stop now, Schultz? Why not turn this entire venture into your personal publicity machine? Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. They stop now, shultz. Why not turn this entire venture into your personal publicity machine?

Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. you