Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 89 - Merzia the Red Queen (w/ Janet Varney)

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore meet a terrifying undead queen.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiRed Queen Merzia: Janet VarneyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandCheck out the new merch at our Teepublic store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Carrie Mulligan, the host of I Hear Fear, a new anthology series of terror. You and I know that the best scary stories are the ones we tell each other in the dark, so turn off your lights and close your eyes. Follow I Hear Fear on the Wondering app or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Mr. Ballon here, and I'm here to tell you about my brand new podcast. It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries. You can expect things like bizarre unheard of diseases, strange medical mishaps, unexplainable deaths, and everything in between. Listen to Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth. Who's ready for the busiest, most binge-worthy podcast online?

If that's you, you should go listen to Scamander. But, if you've had the best, and you're ready to try, well... Us, there's no better podcast to gently talk you down from greatness than this old contrivance. Which is not real. Like many of the things blogged by Skamander. Life is a herald, now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp, the greatest warrior in all of fun, and if you've never

listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Eight years and several months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fume. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the burger king through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nibblebottom, at the base base of the innable mountain in the magical land of fume. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-hosts, both of them preparing for the Wizard's Choice Awards,

but first I'm going to introduce Shantha Talking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby! How you doing, bud? Arnie, I'm doing well. Thank you so much. You know, recently I've been talking so much about Buka de Buttholes and loose stools, my bar and restaurant, which so you had first, you were like, I'm gonna start a bar.

Yeah. Before loose stools is even open, you're like, I'm gonna open another bar called Buka de Buttholes. God, I have a bar and grill. If you're serving booze, you need something to soak up all that booze. And the menus coming along nicely. Thank you for asking. I have a, you know, Gorgon, hola salad. Those are Gorgon holes. Shida, Chini, Frito. I don't mean to. I'm so sorry. I really shouldn't slay down on any of these Gorgon holes. Yeah. Well, when you say Gorgon Hola, I'm like, I'm kind of there,

but then if I really drill down, I'm like, what is Gorgon Holes? Gorgon Holes. Because I've been focused so much on that. I've been focused so much on, you know, trying to possibly have a child with you in use at all, podcasts, Neachon, the blue. I've been so focused on possibly trying to get, you know,

Aggie Baby into the Wizard Choice Awards alongside me, get a plus, a plus one one. But here's the get, you know, eggy baby into the wizard choice awards alongside me, get a plus, a plus one one. But here's the thing, Arnie, I've been so focused on all those things that I've forgotten to ask you about some recent earth stuff that I have questions about. Oh, okay, sure. I mean, I haven't been following earth stuff

as closely as I could. I mean, I spent a lot of time on earth in my dreams, yeah, back at home on earth, but. A lot of it's kind of blurry, but please, I'll answer whatever I could. I mean, I spend a lot of time on earth in my dreams, yeah, back at home on earth, but... Hmm, a lot of it's kind of blurry, but please, I'll answer whatever I can. Okay, I have three things I need to know what they are, and it seems pretty pressing. It seems like it's pretty hot topics in the news.

Hot topic, okay, oh, sorry, that wasn't number one. Well, actually, not curious. Because I can talk about hot topic for... Okay, number one, hot topic. What is hot topic? Now, if you're gonna talk about hot topic for. Okay. Number one hot topic. What is hot topic? No. And when you, if you're gonna talk about hot topic, it seems like we have time to talk about Gorgon holes.

No, there's no time. I can't, I feel like there's gotta be some connective tissue between hot topic and Gorgon holes. Arnie, what is Skittles? Okay, so it's a very popular British sport. Don't know much about it beyond that. Oh. Also, in a much less famous way, it's a very popular British sport. Don't know much about it beyond that. Oh, also, in a much less famous way, it's a kind of candy.

It's like fruity M&Ms. Fruity M&Ms, I think. You have M&Ms, I think. Yeah, I did, yes. Someone dumped them through the portal. Fruity M&Ms, okay, it sounds disgusting. Number two, what is Weezer? Hmm, okay, so Weezer is this band that has one album that is great.

I think they may have had more albums after that, but there's this one album that's really great. Look, is it a little annoying than one of the songs that go in the garage instead of in the garage? Maybe, but that's most of my thoughts about Weezer. Wow, aren't you? I've never seen you be so petty. I love it. Question number three. Why is Weezer? I feel like The universe just needed a Weezer at that point and huh and because of that Weezer came into existence. They they burst onto the scene by a

came into existence. They burst onto the scene by a conflagration of Buddy Holly and sweater that you can pull on and grudge. Speaking of bursting in the world when I guess the world needed it, my other co-host used to do the wizard. I am Usadol, always in a 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulate her of magical light, devourer of chaos, Turbion of the great halls of Trockus the elves know me as fying y'all Like the dwarves know me as Zonin in who exchanges and I am known throughout the northeast as guess Winnius may star and off I Have absconded to my garage where no one cares about my ways. He said it right go Raj

Where no one cares about my ways. He said it right go Raj Raj Raj go Raj Raj okay, you sir buddy. How are you doing? Are you so excited for the Wizard Joyce Awards? I am very excited. I was each passing week. I become more enthralled with the idea of hosting the Wizard's Choice Awards here So much hosting the Wizard's Choice Awards. Well, I mean, the town is hosting it, and I is the Wizard of the area of your certain responsibility. And I think- Has there been any progress on getting a celebrity host

for the Wizard's Choice Awards? Oh, well, we've got some offers out, you know. I think, you know, I think that maybe Larry Birdman will do it. Oh, I think it's possible that we could get, you know, I think that maybe Larry Birdman will do it. Oh, I think it's possible that we could get, you know, King Bell Roth, you know, our old friend Tom Layne himself. But he has to have his sister there, and she kind of isn't my favorite, you know. So, oh, you sir, I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you, but the rumors are that you're nominated for best off-screen kiss. Oh, is that right? Yeah!

Well, I hate kissing on a screen. I'm much prefer, you know, some sort of sentient being, then just to simply kiss a piece of canvas or whatever. Uh, that's up. It took us. And I love that about you. Thank you. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

I've been collecting all manner, uh, of artifacts and things to prepare. You know, my nomination is a wonderful gift and I'm happy just to be nominated, of course. And if I don't win best off screen kiss, then I suppose, you know, spin jacks was just something else, I don't know, so I'm like, oh, but I have collected a new brooch. Look at this wonderful multi-faceted gem look how it clothes red and look out a little gougly eyes spin around It's going wild it's going fucking bonkers. Yes, it looks fun But if you stare at it for too long it will drive you insane Oh, and look what I have pinned to my chest. It's a B-roach. Oh, you have a B-roach? Yeah, it's a roach that's not quite

You know how you see like a nice looking roach like an a quality roach. Oh, yeah, this one's a little more rough around the edges This is a good roach. Okay. I was afraid you had somehow a cross spread of a B in a roach and made some horrible monstrosity. Oh fuck, I wish it was that. Can we go back? Yeah, sure. Hey guys, I don't know if you saw this. I have a B roach. Oh, a B roach.

Yeah, it's talking to Tim Tam, the teal, and I asked him to magic me together a B and a roach, and look at it now. I know it looks like a regular roach who's kind of rough around the edges, but trust me, there's honey inside this baby. Let me just find it. Ooh, to it.

Oh. Oh. I'll show you the side, the profile. Let me put my hand behind my other hand. So the light catches the process. Okay, honey, I'm just trying to change reality at a half-ass force of will. Can we go back before Arnie said that?

I don't like that he called me out on that. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. So that's my B-roach. Huh, what else? Arnie, do we have a guest today? Well, there's this kind of really fucked up looking woman that came into the tavern. Oh! That's rude. No, look, look, you said I look over here. Wow!

Yelzes! Hatchy-machi, that's evil, clearly evil, evil lady. That's an evil lady. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Please have a seat. Hello.

Hello. Oh, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome here to the tavern. I assume you've come directly from the pits of hell. That's why I keep saying hello.

I keep saying hello to let you know I've come straight from hell. Oh, wonderful. Or the grave, or the grave, but a few other spots between now and then, and then and now. Pardon me, it's been quite some time, but aren't you the Red Queen Merzia? Yes, I can't believe you recognize me. Oh, well, you've taken on this hideous and ghastly monstrous apperational form.

Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Are you talking about my needle teeth or my sharp pointy head? Your head is very sharp. So sharp also cobwebs for hair. I was so focused on how sharp your head was that I just now noticed the needle teeth. Oh, well, I always try to lead with a teeth,

but you know, it's not always easy with this pointy head. It's a real attention grabbing. Hold on, hold on. Got a little cobweb stuck in my teeth. There's not the best combination. Wish I would have thought that through. Oh, instead of pulling it out, she pushed it back. Pushed it in, nibbled on it. Little spider crawled down the web and into the dark recesses of my mouth. Yeah, but now that spider is crawling out through a weird hole in your cheek?

Oh, I'm full of them. I'm full of them. How else are you gonna let the light in, kid? Got me there. I'm cheerful. I'm very, very cheerful. I just think I have a cockroach and that's disgusting. Thank you.

Your visit is well timed. Only but a fortnight ago, did we take some time to raise a cup with your old servant, one of the masters of evil himself, Calhaxus the Grim, the death knight. Hmm. What was his name? Calhaxus the Grim, that doesn't ring a bell. Calhaxus, he says a few followers. He says a few followers, but I don't think Calhax. Not Charles Haximris.

I love Charles Haximris. No, not Charles Haximris. I haven't met Charles Haximris. I love to learn. I've heard of him. I've heard of his great evil deeds. I'd love to smite him. I've heard of him. I've heard of his great evil deeds. I'd love to smite him.

Well, he was wonderful. You know, we had an affair for years. Ooh, yeah. That's not Chalhaximous then. I'm not here to gossip. Oh, shit. Oh, that's disappointing. Okay, well, this guy does not sound familiar at all. So we must not have known each other very well. I'm certain he must have mentioned being passing

just as a... It's very devoted to you, a swore that he would do any evil deed in your name. Oh, if I had a spider and cobweb for every person who was doing evil in my name... Oh, you do? Here they come. They're all coming out of your cheek right now. Oh, that reminds me. I had a friend whose cousin went to Taco Hell and they bid into a taco and there was a spider with an egg sack and two weeks later her cheek got real puffy

and she was like, is this like a pimple and that she went to pop the pimple and a million spiders came out. And that's true. And that's true. I feel like I've heard so many stories about Taco Hell. I don't know how many of them are true. I don't like gossip.

I don't condone gossip and that sounded real, ssh, ssh, ssh, come over here, guess what I heard. Oh. So I'd appreciate it. I'd appreciate less stories about your quote-unquote cousins and all the little spiders they're supposedly hatching. Can I say when you go, like you cut the shit out of your mouth with those teeth?

It's really, it's impossible not to. I've gotten so used to it to be honest with you, I don't even notice anymore. I'm still getting used to the idea of my organs being on the outside and being made of gold at this point. I'm not sure what's going on in there if they're even working But they're vaguely ornamental. Do you like? Sliathering a little bit so they might be doing something

Oh, I always post your right Yes, you seem to be mostly pulled inside out and sort of stitch back together I don't and then dipped in gold. That's what makes it so pretty. OK. You've never seen such a large exoskeleton. Congratulations. Whatever that means to you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This, I've come a long way, friends. You wouldn't know this about me. But it wasn't so long ago that I had no corporeal form at all, and it was wondering waiting for someone to bring me back into some sort of body,

some even if it had it to be augmented in some way with magics. So this is, I'm back, I'm feeling groovy, and I'm just excited to be here Right and just see the sights no all terrier motive no reason for me to be Scouring food for fairies. We love we love people with that a military mode. Oh Oh good good. May I ask you friend? You Remember oh yes you said all the blue one of the great wizards, yes.

Can I see that pin you're wearing? I'd love to take a closer look. Don't the googly eyes will make it crazy? The googly eyes, yes indeed. Would you? Would you be open to giving that? And you're trading it for something. If I have something I can offer you. Well, I know it appears to be just a fun piece of art ornamentation, but in fact, it is a powerful magical artifact that I've brought here to help protect us from the potential scourge of evil that may be attempting to undermine the wizard's choice awards.

But if you got something like trade, maybe, what do you got? Wait, hold on. I felt like that was a last deal there. Hondon, is this New World? We're just trading pins around here? I think yeah. Maybe the Red Queen, Marzia has something even more powerful that would be better suited to, you know,

this is a great brooch and the eyes can make it crazy if you stare at it for too long. I have, and let me just, it's in the folds of this dark cape somewhere, hold on. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, not intended, but a girl gets lonely. Why does the Cape have intestines? They, listen, it's like, have you ever seen a pipe organ in a church? Yes, it takes a lot of square footage to make everything go.

So, some of it has to be wound and tucked into my cape. But if you, I would say, be careful trying to hold this because this is a wonderful, we call it a distractor. If you hold it, you'll realize it's a little plastic sleeve filled with water. And when you hold it, the shape of the sleeve causes it to slip inside of itself. And you can't hold on to it for very long. It's it's it's it's a kind of a wonderful magical invention that serves no purpose whatsoever. But is it is a hoot could I

interest you in trading this delightful thing for the I do want to have fun Well, I just happen to know that the insanity pins part of a bigger set. I don't have the rest of the set But what you are, please So you know about the set. Yes. Yes. Of course. I know But here I know knowing or whatever. I don't know if I'm all knowing, but I know quite a bit Have you All right for you to stop laughing

No, don't wait, it'll just get a little bit of a ride. You're just gonna have to stop, Lephink. We're set to finally knowingly. Sometimes Lephink. Sometimes Lephink will be laughing for a fair episode. Sometimes Lephink will be laughing for a fair episode. Sometimes Lephink will be laughing for a fair episode. No one else could possibly know.

Sure, I'll trade. Oh, wonderful. Yes. Let's go ahead and know Tixie's backsees, and I will place... I thought this was just for like today. We then we trade back. No, no, oh, I- Oh, I- I thought this was just for like today, we're gonna be trade back.

As you can see, I've made room for that beneath my capes, intestines, and whatever other weird shit I've got in here. Yeah. Taking over full! I've gotten here. Yeah. I once I've been this into place, I will be one step closer to uniting the set and taking over a phone.

Oh, okay. Well, I don't know about that. So what are you guys up to? Hmm. Don't try to distract me. You just said you're going to try to take over food. God, but now I'm so invested in talking about what we've been up to. Exactly. And I see the yori have a couple of the other items

from this set of magical charge keys. Yes, I do. I... Are you looking at this one that has an avocado on it, holding a guitar that says, let's walk? Yes, I am. What power pin is that? A humor pin.

Lie the humor. Yeah, you saw we got a good thing. I would give my life for this pin. Let's go. Not a chance. We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we'll talk more about trading for that Let's go.

We'll be right back. Okay, Red Queen Mergea. So like I said, this left one goes on my left foot and this right one goes on my right foot and then these two little poles, that's what propels me down the mountain. So again, I'm offering my chunskies for your chachki. I'm afraid of movement. I'm just, I'm a, I'm a little bit of,

I'm a little, I know I look like everything about me makes a kind of cosmic sense, but I'm still a little fragile. And I've heard a lot of stories about people ramming into things and the sides of things and each other and suing each other and then wearing really expensive clothes during the lawsuit Showing off and telling everyone it's not your fault and just because you're famous someone shouldn't try to sue you And so I don't want to go down that road I'm not interested in what you have to offer and more importantly those aren't going

to help me take over. I imagine you have to move relatively slowly with so many organs on the outside of your body. It's a gamble. Every step is a gamble. But I also imagine that you move very slowly, almost gliding, almost like a mist moving across the ground. Until you move very quickly and terrifyingly. You really get me.

Yes. What are you doing? Would you mind doing me a favor? Would you mind colliding around the room a little bit? Can we just sort of see some of this gliding in action? Who me? Yeah. Oh, absolutely.

If you hear a strange hissing sound, don't question it, but don't talk to it. Do not talk to it. Now if you'll excuse me, the runway calls. Whoa, that's a fast scuttle. Try not to. Yes, I do. Don't talk to me, Chica. Oh, no, my organs, my organs are coming into my mouth.

Chant, you can shape the thing back in. Chant, here's a shape shifter. You should be able to just put those organs back in without any problem. Now, Red Queen Moesia, as I've often said before, in fashion, one day you're in and the next day you're out. So, uh... That's too clever, I like that. I wish that were on a pin.

Well, you, while you didn't... You're not going on with that, SIG. A lot to dig into. Well you did an excellent job of moving around, uh, in a terrifying way. We never really got the, uh, sort of, sudden and like, burst of, like, terrifying, uh, got the sort of sudden and like burst of like terrifying movement sort of I don't know if I made it clear just how dead I was for just how long. But I was real dead. Well, before you were dead, that's a great point.

Were you, uh, similar to this when you were alive, or were you just sort of like a regular human, or an elf, or a dwarf, or something, or...? I was just your run of the mill, stunningly beautiful royalty laden, red velvet wearing, maybe Emma, which maybe I'm not no one really knows for sure, but people can't take their eyes off me and then maybe I succumb to some temptations of witchery and you've heard it before, you're not just

one of those. Sort of beautiful, but like very severely pulled back hair and a circuit That's that sort of I Cameo lock it you never open. What's in it? Mercia I got so tired of being asked that and of course the jokes on everyone else because I came back and my teeth aren't as square Is there used to be because everybody used to say oh? back and my teeth aren't as square as they used to be because everybody used to say oh my dear your teeth are so square why are they so square when I showed them to die people said that to you a lot I know the type you have an oil painting of yourself somewhere

in an attic eating other oil paintings I get it that's that's exactly right you are my goodness you guys get me in a way I haven't felt got in such a long time, even sure I felt like this when I was alive. Well, we've met a lot of evil entities and, you know, so it's sort of, you know, come run of the mill. You know, we know Baron Raccoon, we know Drip Fang,

we know the death knight, Calaxris, the Grim, who is your servant. Arnie, did you hear what you said? Ent titties? Oh, Ent titties, picture a big tree, picture a big tree with big little tits. I really thought that you were laughing in your own sort of knowing wizardy way. And I guess in a way you were. But this makes more sense.

Yeah, no, I'm not a wizard. Just, he said entities. Come on, let's play. Look, Merge, I'm sorry, both of these two, they left way too long. Whenever they left, they left way too long. Well, for having a good day. Oh.

No. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha one of the most powerful ones. It contains the power of imagination. That's right. The power of imagination. Okay. Does that do? Why don't you tell me what you think it means? Okay. How much can you use it in a sentence please? Yeah, this milk is homogenized and language of origin Foon okay homogenized H.O No one's asking you to spell it. No, no, I would love to hear this. Oh, okay. Go ahead. Oh G okay. I Nies is he sure

I Imagine eyes. Is he sure? Okay, well, it could be if only spelling it could I should I just thought it just ushered forth look at this. It's in my mouth. Whoa. Oh my god. You did spell it right No one in history of food has ever spelled it right. That's why it's never appeared before look at this It's it's glistening. This is amazing, this is clearly magical, you saw a mirror. That's your spin. That's your spin.

Darling, that's just your spin. Oh yeah, it's just wet, it's a dull pin, but it is, it is something. Um, we know. It doesn't like to be called dull, it's looking for Matt. It wants to be called Matt, a Matt finish. Yeah, if you had the choice of being a dull or a mat, I think I'd be a mat every time. Huh, maybe you're just saying it wrong? Both, both, both pretty doll.

Huh, okay, well... Well, I'm going to need that take that off your hands. I cannot believe how easy you guys are making this for me. I have been looking all over Fung for so many different pins, and it looks as though just today I've come up with two. They came to me more or less. How many of these pins aren't there? Well take a look at my flare vest. Go. Looks like this space for a dozen or so.

That's right. A baker's dozen, fourteen. I gotta go to your baker. Bakers doesn't. 14. I gotta go to your Baker. I also, I gotta say, Queen, I don't like, when you said I gotta get my hands on that pin, I don't like that your hands detached, plopped onto the floor like little arachnids

and scuttled up to wrap around my net. I'm sorry that you noticed that, that was supposed to be a fun surprise. Well, I would say it is a surprise. I don't know if I'd use that as a fun. And I would say it's almost never not going to be noticed. I'm surprised we had the fortitude to not call it out immediately.

So you guys this whole time were watching out of the corner of your eyes my hands, my spidery hands, prancing along, getting closer and closer. Yes, just praying to the goddess as they would come nowhere near me. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm only just noticing now. Do you have more than just two hands because, kind of, all over the tavern, there's kind of creepy hands doing stuff. Oh, who can count? I mean, you get it, hands, am I right? Oh, yeah, I mean, you gotta have a couple spares, but it's not wise in front of most people who aren't magical like you and I, Mosia, to just let your hands loose and around where all people can see them.

Well perhaps I should consider summoning them back, pardon me for a moment. Oh, she ate them and now they're growing back out of her wrists. We gotta introduce you to Jamie and Sammy. That would be a wild game of hands. I can't believe I didn't mention them in my list of evil people. I'm just glad that every time one of your hands tried to choke me, I started to jam it. And between jamit? Where is it going? A doll and a matte pen.

Let him finish. No, you know what? No, we're going to go to break. What about my name? So Marzia, you're looking for 14 pins, but how many do you have already? Like, look, we should be clear. We're good. We're good here. So we're probably gonna be a little bit at odd, but also you say, oh, you're saying, I thought you were just saying you and I are good. Like, don't worry about it. We're good.

Whatever happens, we're good. You and me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like what you're saying. Queen, take this good opinion. We're good. Here, you can have it. take this good opinion we're good Well No, but what only was same as before was we are here come together as a force for the sight of goodness and the light and we shall not stand down until goodness and light rain throughout the food. Nay, you shall have to slay us all if you wish your evil ways to spread over this land. But, but I just want to say that evil does play really well on the podcast. So we are good, we are good. So like we will say, at some point we'll have to have a reckoning,

but I think you know what, there is nothing more adorable than someone trying to act like they're good and the power of good will prevail right after they have foolishly handed over a very key piece of my vest. That was chun. foolishly handed over a very key piece of my vest. That was chun. So it's not, it's land in the flat. You know what I mean? Because I'm feeling like I'm winning this one.

Okay. You might be winning, but I think isn't a key function of good being like stupidly giving away your advantage sort of constantly. Listen, whatever's good for your ratings, you know what I mean? Oh, shit. I wish I knew. You know what I mean? Oh shit Yeah, and I'll say if you thought it was dumb for me to give you that good opinion I have speaking of slay I have this pin that I found I dug it up in the in the backyard of the tavern a few weeks ago It was super far down this pin that says slay girl slay and it's a girl and each one of her feet is on like a slay

Here you could have that. I don't know what it does. I don't want that Well, I think it's I think it's one of us to me. I don't think that's one of her feet is on like a sleigh. Here, you could have that. I don't know what it does. I don't want that. Oh. Well, I think it's, I think it's one of them. It's worth it to me. I don't think that's one of them, John. Oh, I think it is. That's one of them. No?

So like not every pin is a pin of power. Not every pin is a, oh. Just because a pin is stupid doesn't mean that it has a special kind of power. Right. Right. Just because it's stupid doesn't mean if I put it onto my vest and when my vest is complete

I will be able to snap off some of my finers and create whatever reality I want that does not include bars and grills. I've said too much! Oh, I'm crying and I don't know why I just found the penance not like I made it. I don't know why I'm so upset about being told. Don't want it, don't need it. No bars, no grills, no taverns. That's like 90% of chance interest.

I know and isn't that so irritating? Why aren't there more things with the homogenized Gouda pin? I can eliminate with the power of these other pins. Cool, here's a pin. I can't even. It's an ear with a tattoo and it says, ear-attating. Is that one of them? I mean are you that yes?

Do I want your stupid pin? No shunt Every pin you have that has some ridiculous saying on it can't be one of the powerful 14 pins Look here if this one that just says it's beer o'clock somewhere that's useless Come on It's beer o'clock that's not even what that doesn't make sense What's out of play on when she gets really excited?

When she gets really excited about a pin you can't even really understand what she's saying Oh, yeah, yeah, that feels like a dig and I don't appreciate that was just a wonder though That's not that most of pins are just pins like this one that I found that says wine me dying me 69 me like that's Just a dumb pin. Oh good. So okay, I hope you're not waiting for me to say something You guys are really bad at this. But actually you're really good at this because you can keep forking over the pins as much as you want. Show me all the things you have.

This is wonderful. I will, by the end of this day, night, week or month, I will have that time pin. She means the time pin. Because it is being clock somewhere. Why, I mean. By the end of this day, we're here.

I do understand my expectations too soon. I like to stay open. I can't give you the time pin, and I can't give you the insanity pin. I'm so sorry. It's just as a force of nature brought into this world to protect it from all manner of evil. I would be remiss in my duties if I just handed these powerful artifacts over to you. Plus, the beer pit must be how we changed reality earlier, Chant. Oh, yeah. Well, what about... I have this one. It's a drunk hen, and it says it's beer a cock somewhere.

Is that one? It's a hen or a rooster. It's drunk, clearly drunk. What do you think the chances are that a pin that seems alarmingly close to a pin that you already know I need? But that's what I want to be like. It's another one of the pins I need. I'm looking for a pattern or something because I just, I don't want to feel bad.

Okay, here's a brain with a shot of tequila inside of it. And it says, I'm not as think as you drunk I am. Is that one? No, is that one? No, but that one's really cute. It's really cute. I want to take that one. I want to take that one. Okay.

Thank you so much. Rukies. Marzia, I know we aren't going to resolve our differences right away and you make a good point. Arnie makes a good point that we have a lot of evil friends. Even though we are part of the forces of good, we have Parleyde and broke bread with many people who would consider themselves to be evil.

I consider you a friend, even though we're on opposite sides. Nice. Can I get you anything to eat? Or a drink from the bar, something you'd like? I would just like to add add and maybe this answers the question of whether I would like something to eat. That if you think I make one good point, come a little closer to these chompers and you'll see I make many good points with each and every one. Ha ha ha! Buddy, but and again I say that as a friend buddy. I say that as a friend.

Thank you. She would tear some Gorgon holes to pieces Do you have some Gorgon holes? Love them you said or this might be the most evil person we've ever met on the podcast because they weaponize the word buddy as a threat We're home. That's right buddies. Buddy's a good right. I think Chuck did that a long time ago. Oh fuck. Oh, yeah, but he's I think Chunk did that a long time ago. Oh fuck. Oh yeah? Yeah, but he's... Hey, guys. Uh, what the...

Oh yeah, I have some Gorgon holes. Let me just run across the street to my barn grill. And, um, because this barn grill does not have them. So I'll be right back with some Gorgon holes. Oh, he's gone. Can someone for the love of goddesses? Please tell me what a Gorgon hole is. Uh, Gorgon hole. Well, are you familiar with what Gorgons are?

I think someone in there like snake hair. Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah. Which is weird, right? I mean, my hair is normal compared to that. Yeah, I mean, you sort of look like you, like you got that pinhead, but you also kind of look like you got like handlebars on the side of your head, it's some hair. Yes, yes, and they are handlebars.

They're handlebars from a bicycle. Oh, I, one of my minions who helped reassemble me was going through real green eco-faces and really didn't, just wanted to spread the word that there are other ways to get around town. You know what I mean? So I ended up with these guys, but they're really fun to hang ornaments on for Christmas. Wow. Arnie, you may not be aware of this, but there's a big green movement in Foon, where people don't want us to ride horses because they can...

That's an environment. They're bad for the environment. they trample on the green grass and they poop everywhere, which is brown, not green. Where's your ride to bicycle in the grass? It's pretty alright. Exactly. Exactly. Here's your, keep working.

Oh, I just had the worst experience. I was running over to Bukit Abundholz and Pizza Skull came screaming by and swallowing me whole and I was in Pizza Hell and then suddenly I was in Taco Hell and then suddenly I was at a combination Pizza Hell and Taco Hell. It was awful. Wait, I was at the Pizza Hell. Were you at the Taco Hell? No, I'm at the Pizza Hell.

Oh, I was at the Taco Hell. I'm at the combination Pizza Hell and Taco Hell. Yeah, that's why I was making my point for me There are far too many eat and drink establishments in food It's like every other place is an eat and drink establishment. What about those of us who don't eat or drink anything normal? Oh, what do you what do you eat and drink besides Gorkenhole? I eat flesh and dreams. Oh. Okay. Okay. Chocolate.

Well, uh, which one is easier to get your hands on? Great question. I would say probably dreams. Interesting. I would have thought flesh. Flesh and dreams. I got a sir. Flesh and dreams. Okay got a sir. Flesh and dreams.

Okay, jotted it down. You really give that guy a lot of air time. Yeah, no, I was just thinking. I was working through whatever weird thing he's working through. Like, just let him go. It sucks this lady. He's calling me weird. You know what? It took a floating woman with razor sharp teeth

to come in here for me to really understand, John is weird. John is kind of weird. Right, right. And also, I hate to say it. I'm kind of tired of talking about so many bars and grills and restaurants. Thank you.

Well, I would like to invite you and you said or the jury is way out on you Oh Chunt Zero jury were going straight to the execution But Arnie Yeah You sound like you might be interested in becoming If not a minion then a permabody

Oh what's this? A permabody A permabody What's this a permabody? Oh, he's got the hair for it That would be a lasting commitment To help me on my journeys Of course you'd have to take hiatus from whatever this is But you could join me on my journeys You could even ride by

Handle bars if you want I even worked out how that's going to happen yet It's tasting a weird way. I don't know how I feel about that. We're on the earth together. Just tossing aside the litter of corpses in our wake as we search for the various pins for my flare. Well now I can't send it to that right now but you know what we do our season will be over in a couple of months, so I guess we could take the time off between seasons to roam food with you. As long as you make a decision by the end of this day, week, month, or year.

Okay, I can't wait for one of those. I hope there's not too much pressure. Sure. I can tell she's happy because she just sprouted thorns all over. Is, you know, just that? Yes. Oh, she's getting thornorns all over. Is-is-you-you notice that? Oh, she's getting thorny on main. Come on. Nothing for that?

Perma- Perma's lapping on the roots. That's spoken like a true Perma buddy. Thanks, Perma buddy. Thank you, Perma buddy. So, do Perma buddy is- Do they just travel with you or do they- When you say Perma, I sort of get the sense that maybe you absorb them

or something, is that already? The absorb is such an ugly word. Absorb is such an ugly word. What is that, what happens? Look, as everyone knows, I start ingesting you from the dreams forward. As long as you have plenty of dreams, you have decades to exist before you're fully

ingested. Just keep dreaming. That's all I'm saying. That's all I need. I'm guessing, Arnie, if you peaked under that in Eternity vest that was all forward. Well, just saying. I'm guessing there's like, you know, I kind of have a face. I was not making that face.

I was not making a face trying to break out and hands. Do you use your teeth? Pushing through the skin and like skeletal remains sort of like being absorbed into her. I don't know if anyone I have had the good pleasure of crossing over into Earth, the haunt of unoughty children, and I caught a movie called Scrooge, and in that movie the Ghost of Christmas Future opens up his cloak and that is what it looks like under my cloak and the reason that it looks like that is that I modeled it after that

film. I was able to control what my insides would look like underneath this vest. Oh wow that's interesting when we traveled back to Earth in the year 1989 to visit a young junior high school aged Arnie, we also saw scrooge. You did? Yeah, what about us? That's funny. I love Karen Allen. How about you?

Yes, I really underrated. You heard and seated in Spielberg are going to be together forever. Wait, I don't think they're together. I think you're thinking of Kate Kepshaw. Why? But here in Alan too, Rob. I'm so sorry. They're only up to about 1989 and for the show.

Oh, what? She's very sad. I guess Queen Murgey, can I ask you how imminent is your conquest of all a fune? Like, I feel like I can support and help you if you still got a lot of pins left to go. But if you're like, I have what you see. I have one pin on. I have the insanity pin that you insist

you haven't traded with me, but I swear if I could scrub back, I thought you took that weird slinky thing. I'm pretty sure we traded. So I have that one. And then of course, I'm pretty sure we traded. So I have that one and then of course I have let's walk. Do I have that? Did Avocado play guitar? You've got the clock.

Yeah, it's been a lot. What's my name came in here with? I thought we were about to trade. I thought we were about to trade and then I heard something about evil and I changed my mind. And then the one wearing the pin. Oh, here. No, it's right. Yeah. I'm not wearing. And the one wearing the pin. Oh, here, no, it's right.

Oh, yeah. I'm not wearing. Oh, yeah. Oh no. How did this happen? And then there was another pin I know I needed, and it's, oh, it's beer o'clock. Does not this wine be dine me 69 me one?

I'm getting that one. That wasn't one of them. Could not be less that. Oh, here you go, you said beer a cop, right? It's beer a cop somewhere. No. God, sake. We gotta bear a cop somewhere. God sake. We gotta get rid of some of these pins. So in other words, if I need 14 and I only have three,

I've got a ways to go, perma buddy. Yeah perma buddy, okay. Who knows what fun silly good times await. How about this? I can't go off with you right now. If I find any pins, I'll send them your way But you have to tell me when you're getting like five away from being done and then we're enemies I will solemnly vow to do that. I want to let you know I live in your head now

So if you find the pin, I'll know you don't have to reach out to me because I'll always You don't have to reach out to me because I'll always be with you Thank you, that makes it so much easier for me, but now I don't have to like worry about it or update you Yeah, oh Arnie, what's that behind your ear? Oh, it's one of my spider-hand Her tongue turned into a little child's hand that shook hands with the spider-hand That's one of my best tricks, kids. Love it. Beer o'clock! Arnie, I just froze time. Oh, just speak to you for a moment. Yeah? Why are you? Why are you conspiring with evil?

I don't know. I just feel like she's good tape. You know, I kind of am I'm just enjoying Merzia. All right. But I am good to keep an eye on you. Also, Emma, if I'm being honest, look, I don't wanna help her take over all the film. Okay. Do I trust you with an insanity pin?

What? No, I don't want you to have an insanity pin. Why don't you want a pin that if you stare at it too long, you go crazy. Why do I want the person I look at? Maybe the most of anybody in food to be wearing that all the time? No.

I'm not going to wear it all the time. I wear it if the Wizard's Choice Awards. I would have been if I hadn't foolishly traded it away. But is this about you now? You don't know what you're gonna wear to the Wizard's Choice Awards. Well, that's part of it. But also if, let's say,

a griffin flies down and it tries to attack the Wizards Choice Awards, then I take the insanity pin and I go, look at this, these stairs at it, it makes them crazy. That's, you're gonna get killed. You're gonna focus way too much on the long shot of getting something to stare your pin for how long does it take?

It's got beer clock, I can freeze time, it's even better. So I made it, I upgraded. Unfree Stein. Beer a clock, Arnie. I froze both our penises. Just to show you, this pin does nothing. Okay, let me see. I smell a time crimp.

Oh. Did you use that pin? No, I- You used time. No, no. You pinched time. What a show off. You know I want that pin.

I wouldn't do that in front of you right here when you're our guest, and I know you want this pin. That would be incredibly rude. No, you're smelling a time crimp because I used a magical spell to slow down time and fix my hair into these beautiful crimps. Ooh, crimp ain't easy. There's all kinds of crimps. There's hard boiled crimps, soft crimps, golf crimps, easy crimps, medium crimps.

There is a... Now that I see it, I can't see it. Blue crimps, crimp crampy. I know that's sirenyware. I haven't sined this heavy since I hailed my last breath. Well, Merzia, I've really come around and I am pretty dedicated to your quest to destroy all of the ret- what, actually? Can I have one carve out?

Can we keep whatever tavern I tend to be spending most of my time at, currently the strange familiar? Can we carve out at least one tavern? How about maybe a second for the Patreon? After you destroy all taverns and restaurants and grills? Oh, you drive a hard bargain perma buddy, but as a trustworthy person, the answer is of course. Okay, and I trust you perma buddy. And you should trust me perma buddy.

I don't know, Arnie, if you should. You said, or you heard the way that she snickered slightly at the end of that one. You're so bad. That's interesting. It's so obvious you're just jealous. And that's understandable. And here I am. I sweep in here.

I steal one of your best guys. You're stuck with the other one. Of course I feel a little mad. It's natural. Yeah, you got me. Plus, you don't know what you're going to wear to the Wizard Awards. Well, if... if Marzia thinks it'd look good, I mean, I don't know.

Maybe I'll think about it. Listen, I have room for more than one permabody. The good news for all of you is I have room for two permabies. You should know where it looks like it's your lucky day. Because I've been nigged beyond me. Did that episode conclude or did the microphone just sort of give up? I'll never tell. Use it or the wizard was played with his usual fill-in complement later by Mat Young.

Chant the talking badger was played with all the positive entertainment quality, keep it believable, he could muster by Adel Raphaya. Murzia the Red Queen was played by special guest Janet Varney. Check out Janet's podcast, The JV Club, and Braving the Elements. Wherever you get your podcasts, hello from the Magic, and braving the elements, wherever you get your podcasts. Hello from the Magic Taven is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Taven Patreon, shining examples of humanity who looked deep within themselves and summoned the strength to fill out a Google form.

Supporters like William Walker, Carrie, Tim McNulty, Adam Pnechard, Cameron Snakes Hastings, I guess Delilah Hastings and Roberto J. Snakes finally had a kid. Leia, Paula A. Sasha from Milwaukee, the spy that smells like a couch. Tabby Burleson, Heidi J. Miller, Signe, Warg the Magnificent, I've known Wargs they are problematic at best, especially when they're not house trained. Kias Kyrus and Deborah Flores, patrons get ad free episodes the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month. We just dropped a new episode of Season 2 of Shadow City, DMed by Anthony Birch of Dungeons and Daddies.

Consider this clip. Oh, just wanna apologize. Last episode. I got a little scatterbrained. I feel kind of silly, but I said that Tommy dressed up as a float. Now, what I meant was a balloon. Okay.

And as we all know, what do balloons do? They float. Now, Anthony, you're the DM. You're in charge of this world. I don't know. Maybe in this world, balloons are called floats and that just makes it easier on everyone. I know we don't call cars, drives, or planes, flies, but would it just be nice to give out a big old win because he accidentally said he dressed up as a float. He meant a balloon. Well, here's the thing is that my objection was less so that you called yourself the wrong thing and more of the idea of like, oh, yeah, I just pretend to float. That was the thing that really got in my head and kept me up at night. The idea of how he didn't be pretends to float.

Wait, hold on. I had both of you been thinking about this. Yeah. Non-stop. Every second since we last met, which is completely distracted. Making lots of my balloons completely distracted. I just like I googled float and looked at every possible definition of it. I mean, if you go, if you went to a diner and the waiter said, I'm going to make this root beer float, you know, that sounds insane, right? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Right? Pfft! And so forth. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Speaking of Shadow City, we now have Shadow City shirts in our new tea public store. Not to mention a handful of magic tavern and Masters of Mayhem shirts as well.

Available in a variety of styles and colors. Check out the link in the show notes. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refyre, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alert Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.