Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 92 - Tormaline Departs (w/ Zach Reino)

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Tormaline, Dragon Teen, is having a quarter millennia crisis.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiTormaline: Zach ReinoMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandCheck out the new merch at our Teepublic store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's Mr. Ballon here, and I'm here to tell you about my brand new podcast. It's called Mr. Ballon's Medical Mysteries. You can expect things like bizarre unheard of diseases, strange medical mishaps, unexplainable deaths, and everything in between. Listen to Mr. Ballon's Medical Mysteries on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Carrie Mulligan, the host of I Hear Fear, a new anthology series of terror. You and I know that the best scary stories are the ones we tell each other in the dark, so turn off your lights and close your eyes.

Follow I Hear Fear on the Wondering app or wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Since we are thick in the heart of your Earth season autumn, and I'm told that means layers, this leads to today's outerwear tip. What's the best way to layer? If you're like me, you wouldn't dream of leaving the abandoned government institute with the vast underground detention center without wearing your original layer of exoskeleton, a polar fleece, a light windbreaker, a heavy windbreaker, a morning cape provided layer of boiling water, and finally an inflexible plastic shell to protect you from free-roaming antibodies and having to make conversation

with strangers. Try it yourself and share your variations, but above all, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neekham, the greatest warrior in all of fun. If you've never listened to podcasts before, this is everything you need to know. About eight and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tabern, the

strange familiar, in the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the innamable mountain, and the magical land of fume. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chump the Talking Badger. Hmm, gent please. How you doing bud? Good, how you doing, big guy? I'm doing okay. You know, I know you sort of is very obsessed with the upcoming Wizard's Choice Awards. I'm really just sort of trying to do good in-fune, like be the greatest warrior in all-fune.

Like, if the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. Oh, Arnie, micro-night does good. You're doing well, oh, micro-night? Yeah, you know, micro-night. He's that tiny little night. He like, Micronite does good. You're doing well. Oh, Micronite? Yeah, you know Micronite. He's that tiny little night. He like joust-nats. You know, Micronite. He's on your hair right now.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I Micronite. Hey, I don't have lice anymore. You got it. You just talked over Micronite. Sorry, Micronite, go ahead. Oh, sorry, I was just saying I got them.

I got them lice. They always talk real fast. Real, real fast. Yeah, I got to get them real got them lights. They always talk real fast, real real fast. Yeah, I got to get that real fast. Huh, it's kind of this thing, Marty. You can't, can you hear them? A little bit. Why are you being such a punk?

We'll probably turn the audio up when we release the episode. Oh, good. Haha, my goodness. It is a light! How about you? You will never make a noise. I do like to hate you, goodbye. Ah, it's adorable.

Yeah, it's really cute. And his lance is so tiny, he can't really hurt anything. So it's just kind of... What did you say about me? Nothing. Sorry, his partner Lance is just really small. Does Lance talk? He can talk.

I don't know if he wants to, I'm not gonna, I don't know if he will, but let's give a brief pause and see. I just hope. Do you hear the... I think so. Was that Lance? Was that Lance? Already come on. Micronite and Lance? Come on, you don't know, you haven't heard the song. You don't know the song? I haven't heard the Lance. No, let me hear the song.

The ballad sung throughout the town. Sing a chant. Oh, Micronite one day, he got drunk and he took a chance. He met test out. Hello, who was tiny? Name Blantz. That's all of it. It's kind of a game like kids can make up their own verses

and lyrics. So you're saying there's not really a song. It's just people do sing song. He's talking about Micronite. It's a template. OK. Yeah. Have you heard of the Knights of the Template?

No. It's a group of knights. And they thrive you heard of the Knights of the Template? No. It's a group of knights, and they thrive in secrecy, and they have all these songs. Well, they're not songs. They're sort of like a structure, so like a rhyme scheme, or maybe like something to get you going, some like momentum, you know, but you can sing about them and whatever you sing about them becomes true through magic. So Arnie, do you want to have micro-night and Lance have done something? Because once you sing it,, becomes true through magic. So I already do want to have, micro-night and lights have done something,

because once you sing it, it actually will have happened. I'm not created making up songs off the top of my head. Neither am I, but I still do it. Template nights, what rhymes with Excel? Because I'll do that one second. Sext spell, sex spell. That's the problem then. Do you do Excel first or sex spell first?

Oh yeah, it's hard, that's hard. I also joined by my other co-host, user of the wizard. I am, you said oh, oh, wizard of the twelfth thrill, Muffezeus, Master of Light and Shadow. Man, it beat, no. Oh, Micronite flew right in his mouth.

Ha, ha. Oh, Micronite was on a moth and flew right in your mouth. Oh, oh, you said, did you call Micronite flew right in his mouth. Oh, Micronite was on a moth and flew right in your mouth. Oh, you, sir, did you call Micronite? I know, no, no, no, he's fine. I've coughed him up. Uh, okay, good. Because, whenever Chen introduces somebody to me, they always die.

It's true. Except for Algebra and Pretty Tommy Dumbling the Pony. Mm-hmm. They're still alive. I hope Tommy doesn't notice I just sewed together clumps of meat. Well, and Micronite's fine. I just coughed him up and knees him and he enlants her over at the bar now and enjoy a tiny ale. So, hey.

Aww. What was I saying? Oh, the Wizard's Choice Awards. Yes, I am obsessed. I can't stop thinking about them. Oh, Arne, you say that you're doing good, but I am doing something great. Okay. Oh, you don't have to lay. It's not a competition. Wow, you service kind of standing on his chair to be slightly taller than Arne, this is weird. Mmm.

I shall put on the greatest show of the millennia. The greatest Wizards Choice Awards that there's air been and none can stop me I shall use all my great wizardly power all the heaven show up and Fire and lightning and rain show rain down upon this event creating those beautiful fireworks Star-Stars scene. Oh you saw us walking over to that vent in the bar. Oh, he's standing right over it. Oh, you're walking over to that vent in the bar, always standing right over it. Oh, oh no! You should have protected modesty! I shan't, I shan't, all shall see everything that I have to put on display, and in more

than this. At the wizard's choice, but a scat probably less than two months away at this point. Is it hard to schedule a big event when it's ambiguous as to exactly when that event is? Yes, but where's its cat be pinned down? Oh certainly I could send out some pochements with a calligraphy all over them that say, come on Flursday the 12th and somebody would be like, whoo, I'll be the Flursday the 12th, and somebody would be like, whoa, I'll be the Flursday the 12th, that's 7pm. But then a wizard would say, nay, I shall arrive when I'm ready to arrive.

That's the thing about the Wizard's Choice Awards, at the moment they begin. All of the wizards will know at the exact same moment. Ooh, I just got goosebumps, aren't you? I got goosebumps. I know this is very unorthodox, and usually we read emails at the end of the episode, but I swear, I was just looking at an email before we started recording that just says, season four, episode six,

Usador says the Wizard's Choice Awards is always on a Sunday, but I made it in time. I love y'all. Oh no. Well yeah, it's always on a Sunday, but we're not gonna say which one. Actually, can I, can I,

that's why I wouldn't send out that invite that's the Flurs Dad looked like a f**king idiot. I was gonna come clean because I did sing a song about Micronite and Lance that changed the date of the Wizard Choice Awards. That's fine. Okay. Good. Because I might have magicked something

that screwed up some scheduling. I'm sorry. So you can sing a song about Micronite and Lance and it will change anything, not just stuff about them. I don't know, Arty, you tell me. Oh, there was a mic, Grodyte, who won, I got drunk and took a chance. He met Tollith, to stop fellow,

who was tiny, and his name was Lance, and Arty was only three feet tall. Arty, where'd Arty go? Arty, where'd you go? Hey, let me help you back up into your chat. Oh, Arnie. Arnie, come here. There you go, buddy.

I'm in a tiny room. Oh, it's a little tarny. Little tarny. Tiny Arnie. Why does it have to change my name? I don't get. Well, I could do a portmanteu of Arnie and Tiny, the other way, which would just be,

just be Arnie, I guess. Tiny and Arnie, the other way, is just Arnie. Oh. So who's the guest this week? Well, I didn't really have time to have anie, the other way is just Arnie. Oh. So who's the guest this week? Well, I didn't really have time to have a guest. So I thought about multitasking. There is something I need to do to do good.

We've been working on deep programming, the Dark Lord, removing all of his memories. This is it. Mentes has been sucking the memories out of his head as suggested by one of our listeners via email. Suckers get sucked. Suckers get sucked. suckers get sucked exactly. So Blumish is almost 100% Blumish now

with very few dark Lord memories. And I'm thinking we may not need Tormaline that much longer. Oh, I'm not gonna let her go, Arnie, that's a teenage dragon. Do you know how much fire and hormones are pulsating through her? Well, that's my question. What is the greatest good to let them go

or to keep them trapped in the basement doing a job they actually aren't needed for? Can I just say it's so weird to see you still three feet tall, but your voice is kind of acclimated to present day regular Arnie, does that make sense? It's slowly reverting back. Shh, guys, uh, here she comes, here she comes. Tornalene!

Eh! I've got the every single one of this. Oh, hi boys, how's that going? Hello, Tornalene. How are you today? It's a momentous day. I finally completed my clutching up cups. Oh, I didn't

realize you were a cup collector and you know I wasn't and then I was like okay hard what's around you right like you find find bound to fullness find wealth where you are what you know that's what they always say yeah it's exactly and this place is charcoal block with cups so I just started getting them and now I got the whole set That's wonderful Tom Lane. Have you ever thought about Have you ever thought about writing a college entrance essay about your cups? Do they even let dragons go to college? Sure. I the progressive ones are hope so Yeah, I imagine a tour of me you go to, you go to college, you get dysentery, you defend your dysentery.

Doesn't that sound magical? Yeah, that sounds pretty good. Sorry, I had a cup in my throat. Tormalina, you go to Gisilnab and this could be like a pilot episode for a spin-off, where it's just Tormalina Gisilnab? Don't you need to be like, have like, wizardly prowess to go to jizzle-naub? I mean, I think dragons are inherently

wise and magical, and so I think you could. I mean, yeah, that's true. I guess I could be at first like, I don't know, then, wizard dragons. Most dragons tend to be like, we're dragons first. Right. And wizards is like not something we mess with. I don't know.

It's just like, I don't know if I'm ready to split my focus between my job and school, right? Like this job market is so crazy and so hard. And it's just so nice to have like, I've been thinking like so few people have a career, you know? I really feel like I have a career. So I feel like, I feel like I'm really happy with where I am right now.

Like maybe school's in the future for me, sure. I'm just trying to live in full of bountifulness. And sort of like seek bountifulness as it comes. Right now I am bountiful of a career. So when I'm like, can I ask, I've always been curious and I know it's kind of gush to ask, what is like the median, like the median yearly hoard of a dragon? You know, that really depends on where.

So my cousin like, hold up in a swamp, right? Okay. I don't know if she was in a swamp the last time we talked to you, but she's super in a swamp right now. And she's like, it's a good change for me. It's like slowing down. Just a clarify. That's not a metaphor.

What do you mean? Literally, she's in a swap. Yo, yes, but actually metaphorically sort of also, by my standards, right? Sure. Because I'm like, okay, you're like, what are we hoarding, you know? We're hoarding muck, we're hoarding slime.

So like, for her, that's bountifulness, you know? Like for her, like for Scaliel, that like, she used to live in the mountains of Scaliel and like, that was good for her that's bountiful miss, you know? Like for her, like for Scalile that like, she used to live in the mountains of Scalile and like that was good for her and now she's like, no, I need a change, I'm not a mountain girl. I'm a swamp girl and so like now she's in the swamp and all the family's like, are you sure about this? And she's like, yeah, I think I'm gonna stay

in the swamp for a while, but she's making like Jack shit to be fair, like her hoard is garbage. I hate it. The whole family is laughing at her behind her back. I wouldn't even kill her for it. It's like not even worth it. Probably a lot of vines. So many vines used to do our,

your family comes from hoard, right? All dragons come from a hoard, chun. Well, I just say like, like if your cousin, you know, goes from the mountains of Scalia to, you know, a swamp or something, it's not really, she'll say like, if your cousin goes from the mountains of Scalia to a swamp or something, it's not really, she'll be fine. Right? Oh, yeah, safety in that for days. But she's acting like a little cobbled or something.

It's very weird. It's like, you're a dragon. Don't forget who you are. It's like, I don't know what she's doing there. I suspect it's about a guy. Or a girl with her. There's like, probably like a muk monster there that she's like, we're belling against the family

or whatever. I'm like, okay, so like get fucked in the muck and then like come back. What are we talking about right now? I get it. Swamp girl summer. Oh yeah. Once you go muk monster.

You never get fuck monster. You know, I've heard that like once you fuck Swamp monster, you never get fuck monster. You know, I've heard that like once you fuck Swamp Monster, you never want to fuck a small monster again. But that's just my personal experience. If she's finding Bountifulness in the Swamp, then like seek out that Bountifulness. Sure, and you also have to seek out Bountifulness, you know. You have a great job here right now.

But yeah, it's punching the clock and how much more can you advance in that position? Oh, yeah, it's hard to say. I thought that too for a long time. I was like, okay, keeping guard of the Dark Lord and the guy who is imprisoned the Dark Lord within his head and he's like sort of mumbling in growth. By the way, more mumbling and growth

than less dark lord lately for what that's worth. That's interesting that you bring that up. So like we talking is the wrong way to say it but like I was like hey is there anything in this heart? It's like interesting to you and there was a lot of like mumbling and groaning and I sort of stopped paying attention. And then I did sort of run out of space for my hoard down here once I started hoarding like plates. And then I got all the plates. And then it was forks and I got all the forks. So I just sort of started doing some like low-level

excavation below to sort of expand the amount of square footage for our said hoard. I see. So we have multiple basements now? No, no, no, no. Just one basement and then my horrid goes below that. That's mine. Fair enough.

I don't know if you know how property law works here, but like where you build the floor, that's where your house ends. If I go under that and I put something there, that's mine now. Also, if I take it from you, it's mine. And also, if I sit on it for a long enough, it's mine. That's Horde Law.

Could you get off me then? Could you please get off me? Well, you're chick-seed, Chant. I almost had you. I'm going to get you by the end of the day. You're coming to Mummy's Horde. That also reminds me, as you were talking about, hoarding the plates and the cups.

We need to take a quick break. Can I get even one a handful of food? Well, do I always take a break? Last week has been bad. There's no cups or anything. It's not bad here. You don't take a handful of food. I'll be right back with a trough and a handful of food.

Oh, Yusudor, you got Micronite a grain of rice? That's gonna feed him in Lantz for months! Well, yes. I- I- can I be honest with you? Yeah, please. Micronite is a great hero in his own right. Probably. Is he really paying the bills? As I understand it, Lanz does most of the actual work. Right.

Oh, Micronite is the base. I mean, look, he's a shiny strong boy. He's the small, but he's a shiny strong boy. We love it. If but of the grain of rice should feed them for months on end. Why would I not share it? I already have a handful of rice. Who are you getting married, you said?

What? You have a handful of rice? Is there something we should know? Oh no, I just don't have any bowls or plates. Oh, okay. I got some hold on. Oh, can I borrow one? Yeah, sure. Let me just see. Okay, this is brown scratchy one. This is brown scratchy one. This is brown scratchy one.

What other one? It's kind of a whole set and I don't really want to get it dirty. Do you mind if we don't? No, I said no, hold on, there's got to be something. Arnie, I don't know if this is a set. I mean, even look at the cups. It's like cup, cup, cup with a chunk out of it. Cup, cup, cup with two chunks out of it. Cup, cup with two tonics out of it.

I don't know, I can't spot the differences. I mean, but to be honest, most of the cups I've seen in all of them are just like subtle variations on a shitty cup. How dare you. Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I show you cup? This is my favorite cup, hold on. Oh yeah, please. This one's metal-chippy cut. Oh, that's great.

Now we're stuck in the conversation with a dragon about their cups. Do you see it? It's nice. Really nice. It took me a long time to get this one. Wow, Tormeline, tell me about this cup. Are you really interested?

Yeah. Could I just watch all six of your collective eyes sort of glaze over? No. Wait, hold on. You're my boy. You'll be honest with me, right? It's certainly. You promise?

Yes. Why are you just making weird humming noises? I need to say words. Oh, words about formation. I need bountiful trust right now. I turned earning three feet tall, so I think he's still getting used to his lung capacity. Well, I get big again, because I need to big and honest. I need him bound to fall.

And then the microt 9 is having a chance. And then the Lance. And then the Ernie regular size. Yeah. Oh, thank goodness. Thank you. You can just mumble through it like that. Yeah, it's all about the intent. Honestly, Mike and I on land time way too much power. It's crazy on what power they have. Not that. My dear existence has given everyone who knows about it. Wait too much. No, it's bad. We might just want to squish him. Sometimes the best problem you got to squish it. I don't know if you can't. I don't know if they can be killed. I mean, let me try. I mean, put the possible, impossible.

Well, I will tell you some actual cop. Well, I was going to ask you if you're promised to be honest, is my hard sad? It's a little sad. OK, well, let me show you all of it though. OK, I'm down here with me a little bit. OK. OK. Yeah, okay, I'm down here with me a little bit Okay, yeah, let's go down let's go down into the let's go down to the sub basement

Okay Okay Okay, so this is constant plates Okay, and then now to here we have pieces of the floor that fell out when I was getting cups and plates. And then down here is the tunnel to the next section where I hoarded the dirt that I excavated from the tunnel to make this section. Oh, and see all these shelves? This is where I keep my collectible cat figurines.

Ooh, this one's waving at me. Hey, puppy. This one's waving at me. Hey, Bobby. This one's for a lock. And this one's for money. And this one's for money. And this one's for money. Already, you can tell me. This one's for everyone.

It's for money. Well, I can't help but notice a theme emerging about a coin and precious metals money. And I don't think there are a lot of opportunities with these plates to turn those into a horde of say gold or rubies or. I was thinking because the strange familiar does not have the most sort of affluent clientele, and it is much harder to sort of, oh, fuck, I'm trying to come out this from a place of bound to fullness,

but it has been really hard to make a hard here. Yeah. But I'm trying to be like so thankful because I know that some, like, I'm not like, fucking swamp monsters, like my cousin, like I'm in a better place than that, for sure. So can I ask, I don't mean to change the subject, but just for a moment, what is going on with your personal life?

Yeah. You've been here in nibble bottom for well over a year. How are you doing? It's good. I mean, the social scene's not great. It's me and like the mom, like I over there who's like increasingly less edgy. And maybe this says something about me,

but like I do sort of miss some of the edge. The edge kept it fresh, you know? We had sort of like a well-drained, well-drained, it was a definite well-drained, I knew that, but like I don't know if he knew that. And that felt, that made me feel powerful and good. And then I was like girl, you need to stop. This guy is about to like throw himself off a bridge for you

if he could but you can't because he's trapped. But like sort of metaphorically, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But now it's been, I think I'm sort of losing my fucking mind a little bit. Because the hoarding is not as good as I thought it would be. I thought people are gonna keep storming this place

to try to free the dark, Lord, and all sort of like wreck shop on them and take all their stuff. That has happened four times and each time I got one cat figuring. This one is one and it was you luck and then three give you money and that is all the treasure they had in them. You know what else they had on them? What? Plates and cups. Which is the only thing that I also had. Yeah. I also see you have some coasters scattered around that you've painted gold. Yeah. That was me trying to manifest bound to fullness. There's a beautiful tapestry that says Horde Sweet Horde. Yeah. I made that on my second week here. Now every time I look at it, I get a little bit angry. I can see it scorched around the edges. It's just like, I don't know.

You want a legacy, right? You want to be known for doing something big and great, like killing your dad and taking all his stuff. Yeah, I'm wondering. Wow, she did it. She killed her dad and took all his stuff. Wow. Like, you said, all right,

you're gonna close the greatest wizarding choice award that I've ever been. Certainly. The grandest, the most magnificent, I certainly for centuries people shall speak of them. Where do you get that chair to stand on? But for centuries, Tomlin, the dragon kind will speak of you as well. For I believe, if you put this out into the universe universe you can kill your father and take his and it's definitely never going to, but I like that he tries, you know? He tries? Are you sure he tries? It's nice to be liked.

It feels to me like he's trying. Okay. There's a vibe. You're getting a vibe. Yeah, like for example, I can tell right now, you're not trying to jump my bones right now. And that's smart, because I'd squish you and or sit on you and then you're mine.

I know. By the way, Chanty, can you get off people, please? Yeah, you better move. Mama almost had you forever. Ooh, nice little squelch as I got up from under your scales. Now, Tormelain, you've mentioned a few times killing your dad and taking his horde. I'm not fluent in legalese, but don't you have a trust

horde set up where your father trusts you won't kill him? And if you do, you would lose some of that inheritance? Oh, yeah, but there's like a huge loophole in that which is that if I kill him I'm then in charge of the hord So I'm in the executor of making sure that I don't get paid out and like That's you know Hordelaw is sort of Yeah Built to have loopholesoles inside of it.

Sure, yeah, that makes sense. Which makes it really like sort of interesting and fun and sneaky and good. Oh my god, I do love hard law. I mean, I should go to hard law school. Oh, now we're talking. Yeah. So many years though.

I mean, I assume it's only 20 or 30 years. Is it more respected in the dragon community to come from New Horde or old Horde? New Horde is swamp vine garbage. And like, no matter how much Mike because it tells you it's a Horde, it's not, it's garbage. And she's not in love. She's in heat and one day she'll wake up and realize that.

And that's her journey. She's experiencing bound to fullness, and that's fine. And, normally, as a dragon, is it better to be hatched from an East egg or a West egg? You know, I'm a West egg girl myself, but like, I think that's a real coin toss. Oh, speaking of, you were sitting on a coin. Look at this gold coin.

Why not? I would have noticed if a coin was in here. Hold on, Sean, did you bring a coin in here to try to make me feel like I had a cleanly that it had a coin? Because I wouldn't know if I had a coin. Yeah, I had you sort of make a gold coin. Sorry, I just, we thought it would be nice.

A nice gesture. Nice gesture. Nice gesture. Thank you. Sean, you said, oh, we can't would be nice a nice nice nice nice gesture. Thank you. John use it Or we can't come down to the sad sad horde and bring in more value than is already here I think some of these plates are nice and I I would love to have them back in the bar where we could eat off of them Use it or you of course you think they're nice when we started running the strange familiar You went out and bought the worst plates. What?

And no one likes them except for you. They're tacky. What do you mean, they're tacky? They're wood and some have chips out of them. Give some care to. Thank you. I agree. And I don't know if I agree because I'm losing my mind

or if that's actually what I think. They're not tacky. I just want to make sure that I'm not doing corundum here. My cousin's name is corundum. Did I not say that? No. Karandum. Yeah.

Karandum of Swamp Butcher? Yeah, why? Oh my gosh. She makes Swamp Butcher, she's the dragon to make Swamp Butcher? Well, wait, wait, wait. That thing's really catching on. I thought she was joking.

Are you telling me that that took off? Yeah, everyone's talking about Swamp Butcher. Even I've heard of Swamp Butcher, and I'm old, I don't know any of that. It's like nasty swamp water that went off. Yeah, everyone's talking about swamp boochah. Even I've heard of swamp boochah, and I'm old, I don't know any of that. It's like nasty swamp water that went bad. People like that? Yeah, there's little fish eggs in it. And as little fish eggs in it, that's fun. Is that fun?

Oh no. Am I the current? Am I the one with the swamp heart of garbage and current? I have swamp boochah. I gotta kill that bitch and take her stuff. Well we'll unpack that in just a minute Tormelene but first why don't we take a quick break and we'll be right back. So, Tormelene, we have a giant scroll with your entire family tree. Who are you going to kill, my dad, and then Corundum?

Are you trying to like five-year playing with me right now? We're just blue-skying. We just want you to fly off into the blue sky. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Obviously, my goal would be to kill my dad and take his stuff. Sure. Right, so like, I'm, that's, that's my end game. Maybe now, for starting slow, if I leave here,

which I think if it's okay with the three of you, I probably will. I'll just like eat the contract or sit on the contract and then the contract is mine and then I can just sort of edit the contract. Clearly that's your idea. Or honestly just do it and dare the three of you to stop me. Sure.

I guess that would be another way to go about it. If you dare or wizard to stop you, we would see the most magnificent battle as we engaged in fiery torment and hell and the forces of lightning, goodness, engage one another, but you can go if you want. Oh my gosh, you said art. I would be honored to try to kill you and take your stuff. Can I just be like how long we just do one minute of YouTube trying to kill each other?

Okay, and Ministar it's now The lights will find the way into that very hot and You just put him, you just find out if you're out of the house. You're not gonna be over. You sure you're all talk, you gotta do something. I gotta do something. The enemy's not gonna wait for you to talk. I always wrapped around my leg. Oh no.

Stop, stop. Bitch. How's he standing over another vent? I skipped it to a bucket. Wait wait wait, pause, pause, pause. He just kicked himself in the head. No, pause, that's my bucket. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Time out, time out, time out. Sorry, sorry, pause, pause, pause. He just kicked himself in the head. No, pause, that's my bucket. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Time out, time out, time out. Sorry, sorry, sorry, your bucket. Part of my bucket hard. Okay, it goes here on the side. Oh, there are a couple, there are like four or five buckets over there. Sorry about your bucket. I almost have the whole set. No, it's fine, it gives it character.

Okay, and time, back in. Let the goddess in sparring. Stop, stop, stop! We're at the common hour. You sure goddess in sparring. Stop, stop, stop! Repcom, ow! You sure got stumped. You sure buddy, hey, stop, stop saying what you're gonna do and just do something.

How? Look, I appreciate it because this is an audio medium, but still, you can't say whether in tune the thunder does stop. You just got stumped on it. If you were human, you'd be dead. It's not my fault that I have to call down the power and the fury of the goddesses,

and a dragon just has to step on me. I think in the long run, we're going for more than a minute. Maybe we'd see a different result than what you're doing. I think so, too. I'm maybe totally honest. I feel like I had you on the road. Wait, you said we're in all your hundreds of years. Have you ever fought like a fast-moving foe?

Sure, yeah. Now that time I fought that slime. Pretty slow slime. You also fought Sloathosaurus, who's pretty slow. Dr. Cold. Who else? Half speed. Remember that's a mage half speed?

Fought half speed. Who's that? You fought Tart Uh, fun task. Uh, whew. You fought Tornumus, right? That was you. Tornumus, I took out, yeah, I took it out. I'm Tornumus. We've got, we've got to get Tornumus on the podcast. Tornumus, the Evershell is dead as a dust, my God.

That's how that fight ends. Yeah, I mean, he killed him dead. Wait, was his soul still trapped within his shell only to be released in a time of great need? Ah, yeah, that's very possible. I know he might be around. Yeah, I think we probably get him if we, you know, talked to his people. You killed the Stuttering Saint? Bad karma there. For a multitude of reasons. I killed Brom head the reluctant.

Yeah, Tommy two times the guy who says everything twice That one was easy because I would say something and he would say something but then he would say it again idiot He killed that wizard who's just like a dresser Remember yeah, look at it. It's like a dresser of drawers. It's right with a with a robe and a hat I've got those library books. You killed him with an axe, I think. Something might've just placed their robe in hat on him.

Yeah, that sounds like you hit a dresser with an axe. I'm gonna be honest. That wasn't the most wizardly thing I've ever done. It was not your finest moment. Agreed. Listen, I think you need to treat yourself with a bountiful kindness because if I looked at me now a year ago,

I would see a crazy lady who has a bunch of buckets and cups and plates. And that's not the dragon that I want to be, but I have to show her love because that's also the dragon I am. So I'm going to try to grow from that. But we are where we are. Sometimes we're in the basement below a pretty bad tavern.

That's beautiful. That's really beautiful. Yes, we should love ourselves. Ony, it doesn't matter what size you are. Chant, it doesn't matter what size you are. Yeah, Chant, it doesn't matter if you're slightly under one of my... Oh, Chant, Chant. Oh, that's cool. That's so cool. How do you only ever notice it when she says it? Because at first it feels good. Yeah. That's part of that game for me. I have to know that you know, because honestly, I don't want to, if you don't want to be claimed,

I'm not claiming you, you know what I'm saying? I know I like the game. I like the back and forth. It's kind of fun. I have to be on my guard, as it were. So I'm happy to keep playing. You know what? I'll squish you and kill you and own you.

That's right. Twermling, have you thought about potentially just getting a different job of some sort in the interim? Before you get to the point we are ready to kill your father and take his horde, is there anything that could feel that time? Or maybe you need to take a class? Is there a class that would help? Well, I'm trying to think of what's maybe like a step down.

If I'm not ready to kill my dad and take a step, maybe I'm ready to like break his leg and steal his identity. Maybe that's what we're at now. For now. Huh. So maybe that's what I'll do. How would you seal his identity?

Now that's the part that's actually really interesting to me, Ornie, because it turns out that a dragon's identity is actually concealed in part of their heart. So if you get it, then you basically have it. Interesting. Because when we have to sign things in Horde Law, we stamp it with an item to let us know

it's us because our hands are sort of, I mean we can turn into humanoid, avoid and sign stuff, but then that's not a dragon signature. A dragon signature needs to be notarized with a piece of the Horde. You put the wax on it and you stamp the thing on it. For example, my dad's is like a real big. He says it's a trident, but I'm pretty sure it's a rake that he dipped in gold. And so it's like that. He stamps it on a big thing and so any document that it's his is notarized by a big let's be honest rake stamp. Oh I know how to tell the difference. How many prongs does it have? Like 17. That's a rake. That's a rake. He said it was a 7 to trident. I said you it I'm gonna kill

you and take that from you. And then he said, not today. Does he feel threatened when you say stuff like that? Is he on guard or? I think of all of my siblings. He is pretty wary of me, but not as much as some of my older brothers. Okay. Well, that seems a bit sexist on his part.

No, it's a lot of, not a lot of, first I had two of us think I've already killed most of them and taken all his part. Yeah, it's a bit for not a lot of forcing it to, as I've already killed most of them and taken on their stuff. Oh, wow. So wait, where's your former hoard? What? Where's all this other stuff you've already stolen? Got taken.

Oh, no. By another dragon? No. That's the embarrassing part. It's by a magpie. Took it slowly over a long period of time. Oh, no, so it was like a vacation award. And you just weren't there?

No, I was there. I was just really, really focused. You took my wings. It's on. You guys know Blood Island? Yes, of course. Everyone knows Blood Island. I was watching so much Blood Island.

And I just couldn't turn myself away from blood island, but then when I turn around, I'm freaking mad, but I took all my stuff. Oh, it's normally, have you seen, uh, scrying four of blood island where there's like the floating eye in the bikini and she's like, BYEB. BYEBHA, CAN YOU, CAN YOU PUT SOME SONS CREEN ON MY BAC? Yes, oh, she played the game so well. She got so much blood. Should I get into blood island?

I keep hearing a lot about blood island. If you're not already into blood island, don't get into blood island. Yeah, it's a real commitment. I mean, it's a good time, but ooh boy, it's a time stock. If you're not careful, a dumb little bird will take all of your shit on the slide. Torming, if I may, this is your hitting a dresser with an axe moment. That's bad. That's very bad. It's not great. A magpie?

And you must have heard it. I mean, magpie is famously little songsters. Yeah, I'm gonna be honest. The little song it was singing, I thought was coming from Blood Island. I was like, boom, Blood Island has really changed up its sort of soundscape this time. It's normally a lot of screaming. So wait, a Magpie came into your horde making

a lot of noise. A bunch of noise, yeah. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, you saw Arnie. I think a little song. Tormlite, what do you want most in this world right now? To kill my dad and take his stuff, or at the very least, to break his leg and steal his identity. Uh, uh, no, but that's the right. Because the identity had the lance, the microtny, the stout, the, the, the, the, the broken leg and heart.

Oh! Whoa! Look at all this word! Whoa! Got a rake at least. I guess we got the leg and the identity. You know what I mean? I'm gonna be honest, Chant.

This doesn't feel like I earned it. This feels like we used a way too powerful magic loophole to just sort of like jump me to the end. But it is galvanized me to get out there in the world and like, be the bountiful bitch I wanna be, you know? Yeah. You're a bountiful bitch. And Arnie used to or I had't say that I can say that sorry

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh No, I thought I was in town. I'm sorry We made it this far and now Chun's been canceled. Fuck well, I will say Arnie you sir Sadly, I agree that we should probably kill micro night and lands Tourmaline would you mind? I don't know, sitting on the meeting them, whatever you wanna do. Yeah, I'll say I'm gonna make that mine. No one should have this much power except for me.

Also, Tormally, and if you move out, don't forget that bucket, which clearly is your identity piece, like you were so loving about it. You could tell that's what I stand when they go documents with. Yeah. I'm gonna upgrade it, I think.

What if I dip it in gold and call it a mace? You think I believe it's a mace? Hmm. I mean, it makes you your father's daughter. I mean, because that was definitely a rake. Yeah, that's true. Maybe I've been too hard on the old man. Still gonna kill him and take a stuff, though.

Sure. Well, you've given me a lot to think about boys. There anything I can do for you? On my way out of here? Do you have any objects of power that would be useful for us? Oh yeah I got some great objects of power. What are you looking for? Oh! Oh I got on. Let me get it. Multi-faceted gemstone with great power. What could it be? I don't know. I can't, I can't like those cats. Can we have one of the cats? Okay, this is my favorite cup. I'm just gonna be big to do, okay?

You know what's weird about it? This is my favorite cup because it's solid and you can't put anything into it. And yet you can. Oh, hmm. See how it goes all weird when you try to pour stuff into it? But it doesn't go into it, but at the same time, it does go into it.

How frickin' trippy is that? It can't be that strong. I poured so much stuff into this cup, and it doesn't go into it, but also it goes into it, and then it's gone, but it never was in it in the first place. I think it's sort of reality breaking. I'm not sure how it's gone, but it never was in it in the first place. I think it's sort of reality breaking.

I'm not sure how it's useful, but it is one of my favorite things. I need that magical go to give me that. Well, what would you be willing to trade for your solid cup that glows and absorbs things? Okay, you said, or how's your ticket hook up to the Wizard Choice War? Well, I can invite whoever I like to attend, so you are more than welcome, of course. I want box seats. I want seats that are shaped like a big box. Big enough for me, because seats are uncomfortable, but boxes are great. I fit, I fit, I fit, baby. I wanna get in the big box.

It's too small. Almost got ya. Close one, close call. You got me box seats to the wizard choice, and this little glowing guy's yours, two day. Consider it done. Here you go. Plus, totally won't play.

There's going to be so much crazy treasure at the Swissers' choice a little bit. Can I be honest with you, Ernie? Yeah, of course. It's going to be a blood bath. I'm going to kill so many wizards and take so much stuff. Oh, wow. Okay, just don't kill anybody I like. Is that fair?

All right, give me a lift, too, do you like? Hmm. I don't know. I'll just kill whoever. Okay. Wow, really feel like you're a commission's fast there, is that fair? All right, come here, let's, too, do you like? Hmm, I don't know, we'll just kill whoever. Okay, wow, really feel like your conviction's fast there, how about? Hey, you, sir. Hey, you, sir. Yes, what?

I saw you pulling acts out of your hat and you were eyeballing that shiferobe in the corner. Yes. Don't, it's not worth it, buddy. Why not? That's nothing. Tormally put a tie and socks on that dresser, but I think those are just like clothes. I don't think that Shifurobe is like a person.

Alright, fine. I won't do it, but I'll keep an eye on it. Alright, I'm going to go kill current. I'm going to see if I can take her. Slump, bitch, that empire. Bye! Well, look at that! The transmission is over just in time for me to stop doing other things in an effort to avoid hearing it.

Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chond the talking badger was played by Adolf Reffyre. Tormaline, Dragon Teen, was played by parallel universe voice of Garfield, Zach Reno. Check out Zach's improvised musical podcast, Off Book, wherever you get your podcasts, and check out his Improvised Musical TV show, Play It By Ear, on Dropout TV. Low from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Adam Smith, Dalyne Sage, Kip Andrews, John from Houston, Ben Gold, Rakesh Gua, Sam Lind, Coco Martin, Michaela Keloay, enjoyer of entertainment, um, Michaela, are you lost?

Jason C Graves, Mac, Devon Whitfield, Andrew Paul, and Valentines Scould. Patrons get ad free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month, to learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffy, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller to LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Well, that one is about as well as we could expect. It was her idea to leave. That worked out very well. Now we've got all these cups and plates back up, all these floors. I think we just leave them down here and I think we order new plates but we don't tell you, Sador. Like we order the plates and cups we want. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, you're sort of taking a next to that chipper robe. Ha! Take that, you foul creature. Absolutely. Oh, users taking a next to that chiffarobe It's screaming it was that was something Burn chiffaro burn the dark will have you Not today not today Wow user that that was impressive and Let me now with my new magical rock Cast a spell that makes all the cups and plates dance back upstairs

They're just fucking the placing cups are just fucking that's not a dance that's Dada da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da