Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 94 - Ex (w/ Erin Whitehead)

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Diane Mudpuppy is a traveling actress with a dark secret.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiDiane Mudpuppy: Erin WhiteheadMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandCheck out the new merch at our Teepublic store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's Mr. Ballon here, and I'm here to tell you about my brand new podcast. It's called Mr. Ballon's Medical Mysteries. You can expect things like bizarre unheard of diseases, strange medical mishaps, unexplainable deaths, and everything in between. Listen to Mr. Ballon's Medical Mysteries on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Carrie Mulligan, the host of I Hear Fear, a new anthology series of terror. You and I know that the best scary stories are the ones we tell each other in the dark, so turn off your lights and close your eyes.

Follow I Hear Fear on the Wondering app or wherever you get your podcasts. People are there. The following podcast, occurring such as it is in the thick of autumn, is not real, if you're joining us for the first time. Congrats, we've been around 8 years. I'm excited to hear what you think about vaping and iPods when you try them a century from now. Basically, there's a guy, there's two supporting things, and the three of them talk to

other stuff until everyone loses interest. And I'm forced to introduce it all because before the dawn of time, when celestial beings roamed the cosmos, I lost a contest. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekham, the greatest warrior in! A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host Arne E. Camp, the greatest warrior in all of Foon, the greatest lawyer in all of Foon, and the permabuddy of the Red Queen Merzia. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Eight and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical Land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar in the town of nibble bottom, at the base of the ennammable mountain in the magical land of Foon. Thank you, Chuck gave me a little bit of applause. Is that for Genshin? Oh, or encore, encore. Okay, more intro.

More intro. More intro for the Magical Davern. Oh, weekly podcast for the Magical Land of Foo. Shine, oh, shine real quick. Yeah, if I do an encore, should I do a different thing instead of do people do on-cours or they just do exactly the same thing that they just did? Oh, yes, Arnie, you should do a bad lip.

A bad lip is, so here, let me try and, let me get some paper in it. And here we go, so it's gonna be. So what paper? A pen and a quail. Yes, well Arnie, how am I gonna move my pen if not with a quail? That's true.

Okay, so we say hello from the magic blank. And then someone in the tavern yells something out and you say that. Okay, that makes sense. Does that make sense? I guess so. Hello from the Magic Blank. Tavern! Ha ha ha!

Oh, speaking of which, I'm also enjoying this- No, no, it's going to think that we have plants on the show. But, uh, I'm also joined by this person from the audience. You said or the blue. I am Yusador, Wizard of the Twelve Braille, Muffeziest master of lighted shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devour of chaos! Champion of the great halls of Trockus, the elves, Nomius fying out. The dwarves, Nomius, zone an in-hook stungies, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasphenius Mastar, and there may be other secret names. Tavrins, names of such great power that if I did air say them aloud most assuredly all people were churned into a Tavr, Tavr, Tavr, you know found our new thing I feel like we got to get in front and now

I don't know why we would do this but if we got in front of just a big live audience we should just have them constantly just yell at the word, AVERAGE. Oh, the dream already. The top of the body. The dream. Oh, that would be so. What's the opposite of frustrating? Good idea.

To just give people a blank check to screen things through an entire show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, say things like blank check. It's my favorite podcast about movies. Yeah, you know, and that means someone has cart blanche in terms of a white cart. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that means they have cart blanche to invite people to come on to their podcast and talk about movies. Not me yet, but I'm sure my invite is still waiting in the mail. Well, Arnie, what have you been up to?

Well, I don't know. I think I would have I been up to. Most recently, I was on a train of thought about blank check that seemed to have me as nobody. Well, we've never heard the podcast, right? Never in a half year. It is a podcast, right? It's a felt more of a kind of like, I don't want to engage with this in any way. And that is saying something. What do we call you?

Blank and Nista, what's the term? Oh, that's a good question. Blanky, I think. What are you and your little friends call each other? Blanky, that's cute. Yeah, we don't need to talk too much about other podcasts. So there are at least a dozen other podcasts on Earth

besides this one. A dozen, whoa, you said a word. Can you imagine? Do you really think there are that many? How many get nuts spin off? Do you think we could have on Earth? I, I'd say upwards of four. Whoa. Whoa.

All right, this is big news. This cracks everything wide open. Yeah. Besides that, you know, I've just been, I've been getting a lot of scrolls and the mail asking me to defend people in court because I'm now the greatest lawyer in all of fun after defeating Barnor, the greatest lawyer in all of fun. Have you taken on any cases yet?

Because you know if you don't win, you are murdered. I know, that's why I'm mostly avoiding them. I really don't want to get involved in any of these legal. I want to keep the title, but I don't want to actually practice law. So I'm sort of the greatest challenge for me is to not do anything. You know what I mean? That's constantly my challenge. That's a great challenge for you. Mm-hmm.

And I don't know if you guys notice, but there's something a little different about me. Shows my shoulder, wheels it back and forth. Now your shoulder can move. Well, not only that, I got my very first tattoo. Oh, a very becoming chunt. It's hard to see with all the fur. Oh, yeah, it grows back pretty fast. My skin will probably heal in a couple hours,

but it is, Arnie, I know this will probably upset you. You told me not to fixate on it, but it's of our potential baby. Podcast knee camp, podcast knee chunk, the blue. Okay. So it's just a little drawing of what they might look like. I just drew a circle with two dots in a smile. Oh, that's nice. I mean, because my last kid was an egg. Well, it's got my circle. My last kid was an egg. So I just don't know. You never know. Right. You never. Never know, right? You never sure. Yeah, you never know. You said, do you have any tattoos? Certainly not.

I would never sell this flesh gifted to me by the goddesses with a tattoo. Unless I have like a little bell. It's like a reminder of something. I like it. No, we know what a bell is. Oh, no, it's the thing that goes ding-ing-ing. Remember? You sir keeps doing that.

Remember bells? Yes. He was like, hey, don't go to the bar. A speaking of abstract, I totally forgot. I brought a guest today. I went out and I saw, they were called the Mary band of Cursid players. It's sort of like an acting troupe.

They were so abstract and so weird. And I just had to, I talked to one of them afterwards and I thought to bring on the show, is that okay? Sure, yeah. Once again, I'm so busy not being a lawyer that I forgot to book a guest, so thank you for doing that, John. Kilti, already.

Well, please welcome, I think she's right over there. Diane Mudpuppey. Hi, hi, you guys. Hi, Diane, thank you so much for doing that. Oh my God, thank you so much for having me. Do you actually care if we order? I'm starving. I'm like going out of my mind.

Oh, you're starving? Like, oh. Well, I'm not choking. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You should have asked. But after I order, if after I order, and I do start choking, high look me high look maneuver me I definitely would want help. I think we get you some mozzarella ones. Oh, I love mozzarella

Do you guys want to get one for the table? Maybe I want I want to do I mean I want that chug of cheese that comes on the board Showing for the table, but I'd also like to have some myself. I think we can get enough of it, everyone. Everyone will be satisfied. I'll go to the bar and get it. Great. You see? Walk, walk, walk, walk. I love the way he says when he walks.

That's really helpful to an audience. I don't know. We do stuff like that too. We just get really dumb audiences, depending on what part of Furner in. And so sometimes if I walk across the stage, I, in fact, have to say, walk, walk, walk, because we had these fairies just in an uproar. They were like, what were you doing? What were you doing between the lines?

And I was like, do you mean walking? And they were like, ableist. You're such an ableist. We fly. And I was like, I guess you're right. Okay, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. Yeah, I really spelt off from. And I'm sure that sort of kills the timing

of your next line, right? Oh my God, does it kill it? Yeah, and it can really get you in your head. Like I realized I'd been like saying it over another actor, I missed my cue. Mm-hmm. You know, you end up going like, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk,

and then I was like, well, that would be a funny character. Somebody should do that. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Diane, can I ask, I don't even know. I can't even recall everything I saw last night. It was just sort of an overwhelming thunderstorm of emotions and chaos.

Thank you. What was the show I saw last night? What was the piece and get maybe just a quick summary? Yeah, okay. So this one was called Flower. Now, this is where the troupe and I are at odds. Okay, because I've been bringing in new material that I've heard whispered from the mists.

You guys know about the mists, right? It's a great place to get material. Okay, thank you. See, they were like, there's no such thing. You shouldn't be getting information from something without a face and I was like, well, it's a really good play. And it's about this girl and she's a single dad

and she's this brother who's like, whoa. And she's like coming of age and she like gets her period and I play her. You are tremendous. And Arnie and you said, here's the thing. I saw an advertiser. I saw a poster nailed to a board in the middle of nowhere and it said, flower, playing tonight.

And I was like, oh, it's flower, right? Yeah. And it turned out to be a whole brand new play. It's like, they called it experimental. Yeah. So, so you played. This like girl coming of age. Her name's flower.

I see. Now, so since there's a her name is flowers, are any character that's like a smart B or anything, like a B Alec? Is that like a B Alec. Is that like a smart Alec B you're saying? I think so, I think. That just felt pretty organic what I just said. Huh.

I feel like I should, I feel like I should notice that I will say the myths, it's not like you get everything, right? You're what, you walk through, you get what you get. You walk through to, again, they're not gonna give you the same information. So you really get pieces, you get what you get. You walk through it again, they're not going to give you the same information. So you really get pieces. You get pieces. I may not have heard the character that you're referring to.

She does have a best friend who is named for. Name for what? What's that? Name for what? Her best friend's name is for. Like the number four. Oh, then okay, yes, yes, yes. Yeah.

I hear some food for everyone. Oh, thank you. Oh, I'm, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. I hear some food for everyone. Oh, thank you. Oh, good. And something to drink, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like King's tester. Who tests to make sure things aren't poison. Oh, I would be wonderful at that job. That sounds... Do you know of an opening for a King's tester? Don't all kings need a tester? I mean, I would think that job has a real high turnover. Oh, yeah. They've got to be dying a poison all the time.

Not for me. I can trick any poison. Try to stab me right now. Wait, what? You want me to stab you? Yes, to prove that I can drink any poison Okay, I'm gonna use a fork because I don't want to hurt you see poke poke poke Oh, that was very good. Thank you, Trent poke. Do you get it now? No, I got He keeps doing this and the other day when I saw her do it. It started to make sense You know, I was with a guy once and he kept saying poke, poke, poke, poke. And I was like, Oh my God, if you have to say it, sure, yeah, yeah, you're doing

it. It should be self, it should be self evident. It really should have been self evident. And you know what, it wasn't. So you were saying you had this brilliant idea for this play about this girl in flower. Yeah, I can't take full credit. It was the mists, but I did. I wrote in the parts that I missed that I missed. Oh. From the mist. But the rest of the cursed players were not a fan. No, they're really all school.

They're really like, they're like, we got to stay classic. They don't even really like women being in the troop to be honest. Oh, like, they're so, that's how, you know, I was sort of an exception to the rule. I mean you saw a chunk when you were there like it's a little rose it's a very broy cast. I'm gonna be honest I may have been ditched. Oh I remember even one of the guys in the show kept saying bro like that was his whole catchphrase. Yeah well he was in character but I'm not gonna lie he was type cast for sure. Diane I am so sorry that happened to you. Thank you. I hope I find them again, but then also I'm like,

did I manifest this? Am I supposed to be like moving onto my own work? Should I be doing one-woman shows? Should I be doing commercials? Well, you were already doing a one-woman show, right? To win. Last night, you were the one woman. Oh, my God, you're so right.

I was the one woman, but there were other people on stage with me. Should I be doing this solo show? I see. Oh, yes- oh my god, you're so right. I was the one woman, but there were other people on stage with me. Should I be doing this solo show? Yes, oh, yes, oh, yeah, I love the word play. I love the word play. Yes. I would have to say if you've gotten a shit sounds like you've listened to the mists and they've given you a show Why not find a solo piece from also listening to the mists. I off-dwake and put my head to the ground and listen to the dew. Oh my god, does the dew also know stuff? Not yet, but I do it every morning.

Wait. You guys are really up on the wordplay, I gotta tell you. I'm really enjoying it. Don't encourage them. Well, Diane, I just kinda get to know you a little bit better. Your last name is Mud Puppy. I think, or is that, are you part? Or are you, what's going on?

So, I mean, I don't have to tell you guys, you know that salamanders are like the most desirable creature that you could use to live in. Absolutely. Oh, there's a slimy little bodies.. Absolutely. And slime your little bodies, spank slime your little bodies. Yeah, and so my mom, who is a witch, she knew she had no chance.

So she actually cast a spell, a love spell, and a salamander, and that's how I was made. And then he took off once he realized that he had been bewitched. So he's an absent dad. He's an absent salamander dad But that is how I get my name my puppy, you know He was a pretty basic salamander, I guess, but I mean basic first elementer still really yeah Really fucking cool and food oh? Yeah, yeah Arnie and food salamanders are like King shit

I mean you never when witches make potions you never hear about a eye of salamander, right like, king shit. I mean, you never, when witches make potions, you never hear about a eye of salamander, right? It's always newt. Oh my God, never newt, always newt. Yeah, and newt's blah. Yeah. Was it tough growing up having an absent father and a problematic mother?

Ha. I mean, you know what, she's so private. I would hate for her to know that I call her problematic on a podcast. But that's what you guys call it, right? know that I call her problematic on a podcast. But um that's what you guys call it, right? Podcast? Yeah, this is a podcast. It is magic sticks we're talking into. Okay. I love this by the way. I love holding something when I talk. Isn't it great? Yeah, I think I'm getting a drink at a party. I feel like it just gives me

a little bit more confidence having this this stick in my. Um, I had never I said it like that I hated that. Ha ha ha ha. Maybe that's what made me a natural co-host for the show, because I would often before the podcast even began and before even met any, I would go to the top of a mountain with my staff in my hand, and I would declare for all to hear that evil shall be defeated by none other than I use a door. Yeah, you have your, you already had your stick. Or you already had a stick.

I had a stick. But you call it a wand, right? Like you guys don't call it sticks, right? Well, I have wands and staves and trunchons and sword. I've got all sorts of phallic stuff going on. Yeah, do you actually have a penis? Yeah, oh yes. Wow, absolutely.

I didn't know if it was all compensating for not having one or something. Because I thought you have so many. You said, or how many times have you been asked that question? So many times. I think that's the first time that question has been asked on the show, not by you. I know. Well, let's practically my catchphrase. Do you actually have a penis?

Well, let's celebrate the fact that Ernie didn't ask that. We'll go to a quick break and we'll be right back. Diane, so it sounds like you've been ditched by your acting troupe, but how did you sort of meet up with them in the first place? How did you get into acting? Well, so, you know, I was a little bit, as this is true of many creatives, I was a little bit of an outcast in school because you can see I have the salamander fingers,

like I'm creamy, which looking otherwise, but I don't have any powers. So I sort of got, as my mom would say, you got the best of both. Okay, because my fingers are very sticky, I can climb up walls, and I don't have to deal with the pressure it is to have powers. But I kind of feel like that's a very mom's spin, right? Like how much cool or what it had been to get witch powers. And not sticky fingers. So I

was made fun of, and that's how I found the, I was bitten by the acting bug, which as you know, is a literal bug, and food, because I was outside alone, and they attack people who are alone. So you were bitten by a bug and you can climb up walls. And do you believe that with great power comes great responsibility? Absolutely. Okay, interesting. I'm twice as interested as I was before. And ask me one more question.

I'm about on this time, like, keep going. I gotta ask. This is something we ask every guest and Arnie and your sister will back me up. Uncle, dead or alive? Dead? Yes. I'm sorry that I was so excited about that.

Okay. Okay. You crushed it. Diane crushed it. I'll tell you what, all of this is sounding so familiar that I do feel like I must have walked through a mist that whispered something about this to me, but I'm spacing and I'm spacing on exactly what it is.

But you were speaking to your creative journey becoming a performer, so. Yeah, bitten by the bug, started, and then I just out of nowhere, I started doing these monologues and finally the kids respected me like I would get up I would get up during class just to do like a you know a mathematics problem on the chalkboard And then I would spin look over my shoulder and just start doing a monologue out of nowhere The kissing log.

For those of us not lucky enough to have been bitten by an acting bug, I wish one day, where are some tips you might have for us sort of fledgling actors, for people who are interested but are novices? Well, we definitely wander off alone because the bugs will not approach a group. They're terrified of a group.

So acting bugs usually would bite like, would you say like a horny introvert? I think don't worry, if you're saying you're horny, I would say don't worry about that. I don't think they would discriminate. Yeah, that shouldn't be part of it. No, I just feel like, I just feel like a lot of actors I know start off

as awkward, horny introverts. And then suddenly they get bitten by the acting bugs. I mean, there's some correlation. Shubb is're right, but it shouldn't be part of it. So we're saying, for all by ourselves, and we think we're about to be bitten by something, it's okay to just yell out, I'm horny. I mean, I would say, to me, I'm like, if you're alone and you're horny and you're masturbating or something, don't worry about a bug biting you. That's a whole separate thing. Yeah.

But like, if you're feeling kind of like sad and like you're like, I just want human connection but I don't know how quite to do it, that's when they feel you. That's when that bug is gonna find you and bite you and it hurts and you'll have to go to the nurse. It's more of an emotional horniness. That's a really good way to put it, yeah.

And when you said you turned around and delivered your first monologue, school, you said, can I ask a comedic or a dramatic? It was both. You're too contrasting. Could we hear some? Oh my God, of course you can. Oh, yes.

Okay. I remember the whole thing. It was seven minutes long. No, I'm okay. I can shorten it. I'll shorten it It's sorry real quick. It looks guys. It looks like she handed us a stone tablet with her That's my headshot. Oh, thank you so much. You need it for anything in the future. Yeah, okay I'm available. I do voice I do voice work. I dance okay Here we go. I'm at the board if you guys could kind of giggle like your mean students that would be really helpful just to start it What voices do I hear behind my shoulder? Oh?

I see it's the boy with the white spider-eyed thinking he's better than me. Well, look at you with your wrong answers. You didn't even show your work. Oh! And who might that be? The girl with the luxurious long curls. Don't you know I can see into the future? Your hair will turn gray. It will become brittle. You'll have to use special shampoo just to make it shine the way it does now. Hey, have you guys heard the one? Sorry, is this still the model? That was incredible! Oh, it's the interrupting boy. So you think you want to interrupt my monologue? I'll show you. Hey, what's the deal with interrupting anyway?

It's like oh you don't have a topic to start with Bravo excellent Thank you. Thank you. I'll spare you the whole seven minutes, but I can just tell you people wept, people laughed. Sure. Some people laughed. What I loved, what I loved about it was you did two contrasting pieces, but I didn't know which one was which. I thought that was really incredible. And I laughing at my crying, Am I laughing at my crying? Where, where, where, crying?

That's crying, Sean. The laughing is, haha, that's a chunk, that's how laughing goes. Arnie, he keeps doing this. And yesterday we ordered food, and he ate it all, and he came over, and he said to the waiter, I obviously hated it. I don't know what's happening to him. Okay, okay.

Is it possible he's becoming a dad? Ah, he's a door. Oh, it was probably yesterday when I got the tattoo. There must have been some sort of magic where our Podcast neat-chunk the blue doesn't really exist But there's a magic that made us all feel like dads But already you and I are already dead so you know what affected if you say so sport wait I have a question about this because I was sitting at the table waiting for you guys to like claw me over No, I'm sorry. We did took us a while to oh, I don't mind. I was I you know, I was eating dropping I'm saying I'm sorry, but did I hear that you and Sean and Arnie are having a baby together?

That's right. Well, it's just theoretical baby for some future date, but it's Podcast need chunk the blue. It's kind of all of our names, plus the word podcast. It flows off the tongue. Oh, speaking of flowing off the tongue, Arnie, when Diana was saying, what's the deal? There was something about that that sounded so familiar. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Do you remember, did we ever meet someone that said, what's the deal? Oh, yes. I'd remember very distinctly. When we went to Tavern World? Oh yeah, on Earth. Well, we met Jerry Seinfeld, but I also don't want to blow past the fact that I have not agreed to the three of us having a child. In fact, every time it comes up, I vehemently say no. Arnie, it's just a tattoo.

Okay, it's not an actual baby, it's a tattoo? Yes, it's a tattoo of a baby, it's not an actual baby, it's a tattoo? Yes, it's a tattoo of a baby, which I know. Oh, okay. I thought you guys were gonna somehow have a baby, and I was gonna say, I would do it. I'd be your surrogate. Oh, Arnie it's now or never.

Or it's now or later I guess, because I don't know, could have it a good, do love now and later. I just don't know how it would work. You know, by magical means, I suppose we could create some child that is some combination of the three of us. And then we could bring it to term. Well here, give me that empty glass.

Okay. Okay. Can I take your wand for a second? Hey, of course. Thank you. Okay, so, Sean, if you lay an egg in this cup, Arnie, if you come into it, I'll stir it up with the wand. So that's my job.

And then I'll go in the bathroom and take care of the rest. Okay, yeah. That makes a lot of sense to me. That makes a lot of sense to me. Yeah. Okay, so I just have to. I'm not a doctor, but. And then already, oh, yeah, well, I mean, let's go back to this you and you come on it clearly you've had some medical practice

Yeah, I mean I played a doctor on stage, you know, so and you said I know I know all the lingo And you said or just has to give a stirring implement. That's my wand. It's part of my magical essence That's my wand, it's part of my magical essence. I guess I'm not there. I'm figuring something, well, he's got to have some part of his magical stealth in that wand, right? Yeah, I'm a purely magical bean, and that wand focuses my very bean out into the world, and if you need me to lay an egg, I can do that too. Oh, really? Sure, yeah, why not?

Come, damn it. Like, I don't want to have any part of of this and yet I'm getting drawn in by the details You just want to come on in a guard eat minute No, I just how wait now Trying to remember there was a thing I used to masturbate up to I can't remember if it was leaves or frogs aren't I think you're thinking of a different vodka Right, I guess maybe I'm just seeing my junior high. Arnie, can you imagine if that was real,

if all you needed for a baby was come and eggs? But for us, it's obviously the case because it's a magical baby, but regular babies do not exist in that manner, right? What do they need? Love, babies need love, Arnie. Boundaries, but also space. Mill? A lot of them need milk, not all of them,

but a big, a lot of them. Yeah, Diane, are you all right? I feel like when you said or said love, you were staring wistfully out the window. Yeah, I guess the frosted pains and then this conversation just got me thinking, you know, I just missed somebody. Also, Diane, write this down.

Frosted pains, that is a brilliant name for a solo female. Oh my God, you're right, let me get my idea book out. Okay, frosted pain. Oh, frosted pain. How about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get a pain. Okay, that's great.

And that actually works, because I tell you what, the guy I'm missing was a cold motherfucker. He could frost any pain. Okay, what's hard to hear that? Is this a recent hot break or a torture? No, I mean, I've been embarrassing thing. It's been a couple years, you know, I should be like, I should be over him. It's so stupid. You should see me on stage anytime I have to do any kind of romantic scene. I get all upset and it doesn't even always fit the thing that we're doing. You know, like we did, we were doing this comedy, right? And I'm just supposed to be on a fun date with this guy and it's all these like comedic mishaps.

It's a lot of physical comedy. I started crying. Oh, I don't know. I know this isn't the point, but would you mind sharing what some of those comedic mishaps were? Sure. So in it, I was supposed to drink a cup of coffee, but the coffee was scalding. So I spit the scalding coffee by accident, and I hit the guy in the face and his skin melts off. Yeah. And he was a, he was a waxen demon. So he was able to make his skin melt off on stage, which was very funny, because you know, you don't know a waxen demon until they make their face melt off. Oh, is that from 10 dates with a demon? Oh my god, you know it. Oh, yes,

I know it. I'm a supporter of the theater. Everyone knows my favorite show of all time is a Tomaton Constable, but I've seen 10 dates with the demon, of course, yes. Oh my gosh, yeah. He's always quoting at that, 27 demons, how do I lose a demon of demon days? I love 27 demons, yeah. I mean, when demon met demon, it's a great, he loves that shit, sliding demons,

yeah, all sliding demons. Almost heartbreaking and then great. Four sacrifices in a funeral. Yeah, oh, so good. I thought you was that good one. Sacrifices are light-feet up, but they're not. They distinguish it well enough, right? You don't wanna, I kind of wish I liked a little bit more

serendimony. You know, I'm with you. I watch it because it fits the feeling, but it's just not great. Yeah, yeah. And what demon cares about a glove? That might have been the issue of all things. Exactly. Can we hear about this guy?

You don't have to say his name if that's painful, but... No, I don't mind saying his name. His name is Chris. Totally basic. Somebody I should not have had feelings for. Okay, it's one of the... Okay, I don't know if you guys have ever done this, but I have this awful tendency where I'll be like, oh god, am I good enough for anybody? Like, am I worthy of the people I have crushes on? And so instead of going for those guys, I'll kind of meet someone who's like, I don't know, kind of dark, kind of weird. And I'm like, you know what, I'll date this guy. That way my feelings won't get involved. It's low stakes.

You want to fix him. But then I get attached. Yeah. And that's what happened here. I kind of knew he was a dick. I kind of did. But he was also like really quirky. Oh, sure. He was like a really weird dude. And I kind of like weird dudes. What are some of the weird things you liked about him? Well, he literally could only make seven expressions. Most people can make 10,000 expressions with their face. He could make seven. Huh. I'm happy.

Yeah. I'm happy. I'm happy. Said, angry. And you know what, you haven't named one he could do yet. Really? Okay. He could do it. He could do despair. Oh.

He could do pleasantly alarmed. Two. Yeah. He could do a disgust. Three. Three. Orney. Four. Nostalgic. Five. Bedheadie. six, and hungry. Seven, seven faces. Yeah, it's very familiar to me. It does sound familiar. Diane, can I, do you have anything? I'm, hey, I've been there too. I've been through breakups and I,

obviously my husband exploded on our wedding night. Do you have anything that he ever gives to you? Because I'm gonna, I going to get out the burn barrel and all of us, we're going to throw something in the burn barrel that an X gave to us. OK. Or someone we just need to put behind us. So let me get out the burn barrel.

Yes, sir. Do you mind doing your little? Get out. Get out. Nice. Nice. OK. All right.

Finally pays off. We've been keeping this burn barrel so close to the table. I mean, I love a ritual, so this is really exciting. My mommy's usually a ritual is all the time and she would never let me do them with her. Oh, that's terrible. Even though you don't have which powers,

you should still be able to partake in the belief system, the wicked system that they seem to follow. Oh, that's what I'm saying. Yes, after we cleanse ourselves emotionally, can we all get like a big goblet of wine and just like dance around the room, singing to Motown? I feel like that's what we should do.

Oh my God, y'all, that's what I want to do. Sure, that sounds good to me, yeah. Well, the flame is lit, begin throwing in your items. Okay, this one is really close to my heart because I think it meant a lot to him when he showed it to me And I probably shouldn't have taken it when we broke up, but This is a list of people that he has killed It's really long. Yeah, a lot of people. I know that the flames are rising pretty high You might want to stop. Wow the flames are turning like really weird colors. I wonder if I wasn't supposed to burn that

What's that is this you sort of did you use just like a normal fire spell? Or oh, yeah, I just I just started a fire in there. There's something wrong with that list I think maybe it was a cursed list of oh wow of names that were Taken before their time and now their souls are somehow bound to the land or to the some other purpose, I thought it was hard to say. This is your speculation is so specific. Well, you know, it seems like maybe it could be

souls tied to that particular list who haven't found peace yet and maybe they're looking for some sort of peace in that life, but who knows? You see, there would be anything. You see, there would be anything. You see, there would be anything. Like, making an offhand comment and you get halfway through and you're like, there are a lot more details involved in this than the offhand nature in which I'm trying to deliver it.

Ah, I don't think so. I think usually when I deliver an offhand comment, it's very detailed, but it helps the listener understand exactly what's happening here right now. And in that way, I'm able to create a visual tapestry for them. Like that? Yeah. That was a great, good example. Yeah. Chant, is there anything you wanted to throw in the burn barrel? Maybe, gosh, I know it's been a while, but still, throw something in.

There was two sedors? Yeah. I actually have the last... He left the morning before our wedding and put a little note on my pillow that just said, love you, obviously love spelled L-U-V in the fun way, in the fun romance way. So cute.

And you, the letter U, as in, you know, the fun romance way, but, you know what, it's time for me to let this go, so I'm, whatever one mine turning around, just for a second. Sure. Sure. Sorry, you said, are you just a 360? You know when I it's time for me to let this go so I'm whatever one mine turning around just for a second Sorry, you said or you just did a 360 that's not turned your back to me. Oh Sorry, you didn't explain. I can still see out of the back of my head though. Just so you know, sorry Are you just looking at all of our butts? I mean?

Normally yes, but right now no, I okay, okay, sorry. I just would have oh god Sorry, I just I'm with a lot of bros, so- Yeah. He just- I miss you. Sorry, everyone can turn back around. I put it in the burn. Oh my gosh.

You have your little handkerchief out. Yeah, just full disclosure, I was looking at you for his butt, because I knew he was looking at me. Would you guys mind if we took a break so I could pee? Yeah, yeah. No, I think we all got to pee. Wow, we'll read the room, Diane. We'll be right back.

Oh, well, I didn't get a chance to throw anything in before the break, so I'm going to throw in this little scrap of red fabric from Genelevius robes. Who, is that your ex? Genelevia the red, yes, the mighty red wizard. She is decided I am not worth her time, but that changes on an almost weekly basis. So who knows, next time she sees me, she might be all over me. So you'll be reunited, the Wizard's Choice Awards. There's a good chance.

Reunited, or up and arms against one another. Do you guys have tickets to that? I'm dying to go. Oh, yes, we're organizing it this year. Wait, she did for performers? Absolutely need we need entertainment for all these wizards If the cursed players would like to join us then Just or just I am or just I am or just I am just I am yes Left me in the woods, okay, I woke up with a campfire smoke. I don't know where they are

But Diane can you do could you I don't know I don't want to put you on the spot. Could you do a monologue, like, as a wizard? Like, you know how wizards are like, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Welcome to the Wizard's Choice Awards. I'm Diane Wizard, Wizard of the Wizarding World of Walling Wobbles from the Oceans of the Decks, where the sand is wet and the crabs scuttle over the ocean floor for miles and miles. Miles further than you can imagine. My Wizard home is, my Wizard home was deep under the sea up the coral reef through the tunnel and that's where the swordfish would find me. Anyway we've got a great show for you tonight. A lot of people, a lot of wizards in the running. Let's get the camera on some of those wizards right now. Everyone's looking really beautiful tonight.

Not you sir. This is a dressy event. This is a dressy event. You should have dressed up. Oh my god, this is, that was incredible. Really good. Wow. It sounded just like him. I mean, I hope you, they won't care if I impersonate a wizard, right? No, no, no. That'll go over, okay.

I don't like it. I don't like it. I would say wizards generally have a pretty good sense of humor about themselves. They don't take themselves too seriously. They aren't very pompous or full of themselves or sort of over the top in a lot of ways. So you don't have anything to worry about there. Okay, great. I once saw a wizard get in a fight with a peacock because he said he was being too chesty.

Hey, that peacock had it coming. Use it, Ord. I wasn't gonna use your name. I will find that peacock. And someday, it's head just sit above my mantle. That's just how it looks. It wasn't doing anything to you. It wasn't being a peacock at you.

Yeah, it wasn't it, wasn't it though? Wait a minute, did you say that your ex had a bed head as an expression? Yeah, it was one of his expressions that he would make. It was very sleepy. Very, I didn't, you know, I ate sugar too late last night. So seven expressions, obviously, one at a time on the one face in head. Yeah.

Six fingers on each hand? Oh yeah, how'd you know that? Six fingers. Naked Chris. Yeah. You know, he's a no-him? No, he's a finger, no-him, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no He...disappeared. Once he ear around Christmas, then go around and give everyone... Uh, have to do terrible... uh, acts for them. I mean, he definitely left at Christmas, and he wouldn't introduce me to his family.

I don't know what he was up to. He's a big guy too. I feel like, you know... He rex is the Dark Lord. Ugh! Gross, yes. He used to call himself that. It was so stupid. I agree. I agree. Wait, sorry, what's going on? Diane, Monpupi, you used to date the Dark Lord,

the most evil force in all of food? I mean, if we want to call him that, sure, he called himself that. I kind of feel like it's like if a nice guy is like, I'm a really nice guy. How nice is he? If you have to say you're that evil, like are you really that evil? Like you have to say you're that evil, like are you really that evil?

Like you have to say it. Yeah, and by the way, Diane, he didn't dump you. I kicked his ass. You kicked his ass? Yes. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so suspicious. I was born into this world by a conspiracy of birds and raindrops. Tavans, Tavans. That demand that there must be a champion, a champion to defeat evil in all its wars. And two years ago, I struck with my obsidian blade through the heart of the dark lord. Wait, you killed him? Yeah, that's right, I killed him. Ooh, is this awkward? You sort of killed a boyfriend.

Yeah, like, he wasn't great, but I wouldn't have murdered him. I don't, by the way, I don't think that's true. I don't think he's dead. He had a very distinct essence in food. Like, I knew of him before I met him, and I can't quite explain to you how, but when I met him, I was like, oh, you're what I've been feeling.

And I would have definitely stopped feeling it if he were dead. He's alive. Oh, he's for sure alive. I don't think so. Oh, the smoke from the burn barrel is turning into sort of a smoke hand. It's kind of caressing. Oh, we should put that fire out for sure.

Put that fire out. Put it out. Wait a minute, I feel him just struggling right now. Oh, he's put it out with my cranberry and vodka. Well, you know. That was from my UTI. Could you get me another one? I'll get you another one.

I'm sorry. I'll go to the bar. I'll be right back. When you're traveling in a theater trip, the bathing situation is really bad. I get UTIs, I get eased infections. It's a real mess. It really is kind of a bros life, you know? I really should go my own way. Arnie, I used to have a UTI in my under days and unbelievably talented iguana. This

thing could dance. It was real fast. It could walk backwards. It could go up walls. No, yeah, we're talking about the same thing. My iguana was thirsty and so I got a divide with a cramberry. Oh, yeah, UTI, okay, yeah, awesome. Yeah, I'm related to that. I'm also sorry to hear about your yeast infection. Yeah, oh, I don't have one right now, but thank you. Yeah Another round of hails and of course here's your sea breeze. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, you guys are so fun I'm so glad we did this like oh wait. I never got my chunk of cheese. Oh I'll be right back. I'll be right back. Okay, I actually, I don't care about the cheese. Did he seriously think he killed the Dark Lord?

And like, whatever, you guys know I'm totally over him. Like I don't wanna be with him or whatever, but like there's no way he killed him. Sure, yeah, I mean, I think, are you, how to ask this delicately, are you evil? Yeah, are you evil? Yeah, are you evil? Am I evil? I literally don't even have witch powers.

I have sticky fingers. If you consider that evil, great. I would, I'll take it. I mean, I play evil. I could totally play evil. Where's my, where's my wallet? Oh yeah, here you go. Sorry, just to have it.

Pit Pocking isn't evil, it's cute. It's like all over twist, which is something I heard about from the mist. Wait a second, charm over mist. She's not so much evil is just really self-involved. Oh wow, that could be it, Arnie, that could be it. How do we distinguish? There's gotta be some questions, right?

Are you guys trying to determine if I'm a narcissist? I don't know look into this mirror Okay, oh hi Who are you oh? That's a magical beer I Mean is there any other kind true true? Um shit already. I don't know what to do are we? I mean look I don't know what is it is a little unsettling, but I guess, you know, she can date whoever she wanted to have dated in the past.

You guys are literally just talking about me, like, suddenly in third person. I'm still here. See, she's so self-involved. She thinks everything's about her. I'm waiting. She is a big block of cheese and some bread and some butter. And, you know, this is cheese that a mouse,

like a mouse would enjoy, and you can spread butter like, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Back and forth across the bread like that. You should work here, that was a really good description. I own the place. Oh. Don't I? I think I still own the place, right?

I think so. Fine. We don't talk about it much. You should find that out. All our horses are somewhere. I should find that out. And I shall. So you use the door to just catch you up.

They're talking behind my back, and they think that I might be a narcissist. They love to do that. Often they just duck under the table and just have a little chat with one another while a guest is sitting right here and I'm left to stare at the guest blankly in the face. I'm trying to, Charlie, can you believe that? I'm not my head. Can you believe that? We don't do that. I don't use such a narcissist question to think of this. Yes, I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this.

I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this.

I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this.

I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. I'm trying to think of this. every single week would be dedicated to routine out evil and all its forms. We would go from town to town. Okay, let's go back on it. Okay. All right. Look, you guys.

I tried to lady McBeth him and then just was like, not worth it. Yeah, he's too self-involved for even her. Okay. How did I get the self-involved thing? I mean, I know I'm an actor, I know that can be a thing, but I've been asking you guys questions. How did I suddenly become this evil person? Yeah she asked about my penis. Oh this is a nice-looking mirror. Are you looking at your penis in the mirror? Yeah. I mean it's good I guess you know everyone should look at their own parts. You're in

there. Do you actually have a penis and you should remember it's a magic mirror so it's generous? All right. Listen I I don't know, when you burn that list, a lot of things kind of fluttered out. I don't know if that, or do we think that release something? You, sir, can lists hold magic? Oh, sure. All sorts of things can hold magic.

Lists, papers, files, mostly papers, parchment, scrolls, a tomes, grimoires, books, Atlas is good one. Yeah, yeah, it's a good one. All menaks, pamphlets, maps, oh, definitely maps, the outfit. Loose leaves? Loose leaf paper, yes. Those little paper gowns they make you wear at the doctor. A little paper gowns from the doctor, yes, she did play a doctor Oh, yeah, I know on the terminology little paper gown. I had to say that on stage and I I flubbed it once

So I remember it now. Oh, could you leave us with just one last monologue as the doctor? Alright, I have some serious news for you woman in little paper gown I'm afraid the tumor is a toad, not a disease at all, but rather a magical creature who has made its way into your abdomen and is going to burrow through at the full moon, unless we operate now. Search it, my little metal thingy. Get me my plate of metal things. I must cut into this woman without cutting the toad. It's obvious she played a doctor but never kind of studied up on that, right? Did you hear what she said, played a thing?

Okay, look, that was in the script. Oh, my bad, bad writing. Okay. And that was the whole backstory, right? These doctors were so talented, even though they hadn't actually gone to medical school. It was like this amazing miracle. Yeah.

I was going on in this play. Yeah, well, we're a really nuanced group, you know. And what's the name of that one? That was space anatomy. Yeah. Oh, I thought maybe it was from General Apothecary, but that's a good one too. Oh, we've done that.

No, we've done that one too. Yeah, Apothecary, but that's a good one to know we've done that one Yeah, that's a good one. Well, I'm I'm really happy for you That I murdered the dark Lord and you no longer have to be Sullied by his presence Yeah, I still'm not sure you did I I still feel him pretty strongly. I mean I I bet if you Walks directly away from here, you'd start feeling less like that immediately. Why would that be?

Just, you know, maybe because I'm the one who killed him, maybe there's some residue of him sitting on me. Oh, yeah, you're right. It's weird. It's like, sometimes I can feel like I'm like right on top of an answer. Yeah. And then I'm wrong.

We can't, um, uh, yeah, I, wait a minute. Well, uh, I guess you, uh, we'll see you in a few weeks for the Wizard's Choice Awards, uh, which will be, you know, uh, at the top of the Unnamable Mountain and, uh, nowhere near the basement of this tavern. So there's no need to ever go in there. Yeah, and, uh and here's a ticket. Or she took the ticket. What a narcissist. No.

Oh, no. You can't believe a boy. You handed it to a child. I didn't know if you know what a narcissist is. I'm starting to wonder if this is the issue. Oh, I'm done. What do you guys thinkin' is? See, a narcissist.

Chant, chant, chant. A narcissist is like, oh, me, me me me me me me me me. That's a narcissist. Oh wait, I was thinking of something else. That's what a narcissist is. Me me me me me me me. Wait, so some people go walk, walk, walk, walk, and some people go me me me me me me.

Correct. Yeah, that's kind of the basic difference between comedians and singers. It's really the only difference. Well, it's been lovely getting to meet you great to meet you guys. I am a welch Chant, I knew you but thanks for introducing me to the gang Sorry for your loss and thrilled about it and we look forward to seeing a production of frosted pain Somewhere in a forest not too far away. Oh, I will be starting that tonight.

Tonight? Well, I'm gonna start writing it. Oh, I was gonna say, okay. No, it's gotta, it's gotta stew in the idea book for a while before it hits the stage. Uh, will you be holding open auditions? It's just gonna star me. I think I'm moving into the solo territory. Uh, right, but you probably need someone to like move the scenery behind you or something. Oh yeah, I'll definitely audition people for that

Great. You sir. I know what you could do Diane before you go. Oh one second. Sorry When you build a set and start writing the play could you use like a poison test? Oh, that's a great idea I wouldn't want to accidentally get boys in wallets That's a great idea. I wouldn't want to actually get poisoned while I was doing a play. I tried to board for you. Yeah, I tried to board for you in case a splinter goes in a foot or touch the props just in case somebody laced the props with poison. That's a great idea.

People are trying to kill me all the time. People are trying to kill you all the time? Well, really just Chris. But he always said it was to be funny. No. Yeah, that is something he'd say. Every time I would like scamper up a wall and he like missed me, he'd be like, we're so fun.

We have fun. Oh, he missed you. But he'd say in that shitty way, he would say, we have fun. Like that. Yeah, yeah. I always had to like re-translate it in my head. I was like, it's sister's voice.

He's being silly. Yeah, and maybe don't do that voice again because the floor felt like it was shaking for some reason. Yeah, it really does. Which voice? When I did the DL voice, when I went, we have fun. Oh, boy.

Whoa. Wow, was that a birth quick? No, we put 20 bowls as the foundation. This bar was built on top of 20 bowls. 20 bowls? And rock and roll. That rock and roll. rock at all. Wow It's like really a history. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you should head out

Are you sure you were doing the Dark Lord and he wasn't just trying to kill you? Well, I mean I guess good question But like why would he have you know spent all those Valentine's days with me? Why would he have like? You know gotten me cards and stuff? It feels like a very long con Read one of the cards he got you just I just want to I'm curious what he would have said I would never burn this one by the way. I know I should and I know I should okay. Okay. It says um I imagine you pale and pale dripping with blood a corpse

But still beautiful in the afterlife. And then he signed it, the DL, which for the longest time I was like, why is this on the down low? And then he was like, that's dark Lord. Yeah, versus like, he married, he's probably married. Yeah. Right. That's right. Oh boy. Right.

The people are really, who? I actually met him at a swing dancing class. A couple of singers. Yeah. He are really cool. I actually met him at a swing dancing class. A couple of singers. Yeah, he was really good. Again, I must ask, will there be no end to the havoc wreaked on all dimensions by the phenomenon known as swing dancing? Use it or the wizard was played by Hugh Laurie. Oh wait, our original dream casting never worked out.

Urgh, was played by Matt Young. Chump the talking badger was played by Jamie Lee Curtis. No, that was another case of you can't have everything. Sometimes you have to settle for, was played by Adolfi. Diane Mudpubby was played by special guest Aaron Whitehead. Check out Aaron's podcast, College Town on Comedy Bang Bang World. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production. Made possible by a bunch of money in plastic bags we found in the big cans of tomato paste

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Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekam, Matt Young and Adel Refy, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Stefan Drainjur. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allerde Levan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.