Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 1 - Wanderlost (w/ Sam Reich)

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

The new season begins in a new tavern interviewing a king who can't decide who to leave his kingdom to.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiKing Gunthir Mossback: Sam ReichMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram, YouTube and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Get started with your free trial at Wandery.com slash plus. People of Earth, especially new listeners who are open to jumping into a podcast at the beginning of a season, the following podcast is not real. Don't be fooled into believing into the existence of other worlds, it's not a good look. Besides, every piece of this episode was recorded on your very own world, ChexNotes Earth. Even this part I'm saying right now. All Earth, all the time. So relax, don't waste any more time thinking about theoretical trans-dimensional science,

and enjoy the show. I shall defeat you, you monstrous beast! Fear not, that thine end shall be long away from where we are now in time, for your end is near. So your fear of living a long time shall come to an end, disgusting his- And it's hammer o'clock! Oh my goodness, your hair! I was just vamping, trying to stay alive. No, I heard. I was reserving my Warhammer swing and then I was like,

is he gonna get to it or not? But buddy, oh man, it's so good to see you. Let me take off this burlap sack I have on my head here. It's me! Hey! Oh, well I knew it was you from your voice, but yes, why are you wearing a burlap sack over your head with two eye holes cut out? Everyone seems to recognize my voice. I don't know what it is. Well, you work mainly in an audio medium. Oh, that's right, yeah. Anyway, I'm, uh, you know, trying to lay low a little bit and I thought to just kind of, you know, uh, zhuzh up my disguise. So I found this burlap sack, put it over my head, cut out the eyes,

and uh, here you go. I love it. I love it. Are we giving each other notes? Thank you. Thank- Are we giving each other notes? Well, let me finish. I've upgraded my Warhammer, as you can see. This is actually Star Smasher. So this is made from a dead star it burns with white heat What else what else what else?

Oh, this is the sort of fantasy bullshit. I've been wanting to talk about for nine years, right? And I'm I'm actually wearing armor right now. It looks like fur right, but it's armor I'm wearing star mer which is armor made from a dead star and then I Crafted on myself and then I shape-shifted my fur over top of it. So try and stab me try and stab me Oh, I'd love to Not the neck, sorry Let me hit you with my healing rock Missed you buddy. I've missed you. What are what's going on with you? You look totally good friends Chunt

Can I have a hug? Yes, please. Oh. Jump up and dangle from your neck. Oh. Ah, it is good to see thee, old friend. Oh, know that I also have been traveling all o'er Foon looking for mystical armor, so that I may protect myself now that the wizards are all mortal. I will put together the mystical armor of Bekla Gelig Anyahim.

Bekla Gelig Anyahim. Well good. You got it in one. I'm so happy for you. Guys! Guys! What's that? Oh look at that villager.

No, we gave it to the office. No to you. We gave it to the office. We're supposed to meet at the tavern. Sorry, no autographs. Are you guys catching up off mic? Are you guys catching up not on mic? Who the fuck is this walking scarecrow? Oh, uh, Yusodora, I forgot to mention. This is Centipete. This is, I've been riding him around. Centipete, Yusodora, Yusodora is Centipede. This is I've been riding him around

Centipede, Usador, Usador, Centipede My one note If you're gonna wear the mask, yeah Maybe change the voice Okay Am I changing it now? Is this something different? Or like a no, it's still like a very chum like up here. Hey, hey everyone. Hey That's sort of fun. Hey, you're in fucking trouble now, buddy Sorry that that villagers still waving at us. Let's let's go over there and we'll kill him after

Villager looks like someone is that Is that Arnie knee camp Arnie knee camp what has it been 300 years guys it's only been a couple months oh I have everything set up in this tavern for the new season of our podcast. You look so old in a good way. Distinguished. Come on. I think I'm looking kind of good. Look at these cool new swords I have. I have like two swords on my back kind of crisscrossed so I could reach up and They can't really... I hate that motion. I hate that double-handed motion.

They look cool. Maybe just one at a time. Okay. Yeah, I can't... I don't know. I'm not convinced they completely come out of this thing. Arnie, aesthetically beautiful, useless in battle. That's me. Arnie, so good to see you. Can I give you a hug?

Yes, please. Whoa, what's going on? You're a little harder than usual. I don't like how that sounded. It's my starmer. Your starmer? Yep. I upgraded. I have a new warhammer made from...

I already told you sir, we'll figure it out. Yeah yeah yeah. Arnie what's going on with you? Well guys, I bought this tavern for the new season of the show. Oooh. You bought a tavern? I bought a tavern. How? Well, negotiated it. I still owe a lot of quests on this thing. So you're deeply in debt is what you're telling me. Yes. Yeah. Wow, is this Mother of Pearl Inlay? That's pretty nice. I think so. This place is the Wanderlost. Ooh. It's apparently cursed, but you know, it's a fixer-upper. Alright. Oh, here, this table. Guys. This very table is where we'll do the podcast

20,000 roaring orcs Hello from the magic tavern a weekly podcast from the magical land of food I'm your host on knee camp the greatest warrior in all of food You know you take a little time off it makes you appreciate being back doing it I know I know I know it's been so long I'm so good. I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food Luckily, I'm still getting a wi-fi signal from somewhere, not that Burger King, because hey that place was torn down within the last few months. Oh yeah they

tore that place the hell down. They tore that place completely down. I saw on Twatterton everyone was talking about it. All of earth couldn't stop talking about how is Arnie getting a wi-fi signal if the Burger King no longer exists and then I thought who gives a shit well luckily I'm getting a wi-fi signal from the Crafty Beaver which is like just a couple blocks away excuse me what it's just it's a serp it's a it's a lumber store close by Arnie this is a family podcast it's really called the craft I swear to god It's really called the crafty beaver. I swear to god it's really called the crafty beaver. Anyway, I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon and I'm joined as always by my co-host, Usador the wizard. I am Usador, wizard of the twelfth realm of aphesius, master of light and shadow,

manipulator of magical delights, devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakis, known to the Elves as Fianyalek, known to the Dwarves as Zoninhuk Stengiz, and known throughout the North-East as Gasvanius Maestar, and now forever tarnished as the Wizard who undid the mortality of all other wizards. You're not very popular amongst other wizards these days, are you? No, that's why I had to find this mystical armor to protect myself. It's a cool new look. How would you describe it for our listeners?

Oh, well, you know, I had to, you know, I've got my hat tucked away for another time, but now I wear this helm No, it's a hood of blue and underneath it an armored bracer an armored breastplate armored leggings all covered with mystical blue jewels keeping me safe from the mystical attacks of the likes of spin tacks and Genelevia and in my former friend Jim Elias Olivia and in my former friend Jim Elias Is me fire on them I can't help you Saturday's about to break out into song I'm also joined by my other co-host John the talking floating song. Oh, it's the worst of the two options.

I'm also joined by my other co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Oh yeah, baby! What, do you mind? Do you, do you want to wear that bag over your head inside the tavern? I'd like to leave it on. The voice Chunt the Voice. I tried, it came out weird. Yeah, yeah, no, no, I prefer

Guys, let's get right to a guest because look over by the bar It looks like royalty and he's been putting away the drinks. He's he seems ready to be interviewed Excuse me Excuse me. I hate to interrupt your sort of moaning to yourself. Would you mind joining us and being interviewed? Any distraction from my troubles would be most appreciated. Look, it's a human man and a wizard and a talking bag. Bagger, please, bagger.

Your Majesty, here let me pull out your chair for you. Please, my liege, sit in this chair and let me get you anything that you desire. Oh, do they have any of those little pretzels here? Arnie, do you have those little pretzels here? Arnie, do you have those little pretzels here? We don't have a lot of food. Like I said, I bought this place. Fear not, your majesty! I shall conjure the tiniest pretzels that have ever existed in all of food. Er tom tofa, ka fa ching, ar af to kol batinda! A team are off to call the team down. Could I actually get these a little bigger? A little bigger than that? OK, let me try again.

Tiny food is not the way. OK, a little bigger. Oh, the bigger, bigger pencils. That's this spell. Oh, for do for do. Wow, those are wildly different spells. Can we just call that out for a moment? Well, I know I know a lot of different schools of magic.

So as a great wizard, I mean, so you're saying bigger pretzels are a whole different school of magic. Is magic size based mostly? Yeah. Why are you winking? This kingdom is so large, I learn new things all the time. My new friends! New friends! Yes!

Your Majesty, I've heard a little bit about you. You're the king of this sort of small kingdom we're in right now. Well, is it the size of the kingdom that matters, or is it the quality with which it's run? I ask you that I've ruled over this Let's say medium-sized brought of land Generations and with great wisdom Tenacity I'm so sorry to interrupt you you're saying you have ruled over this land for generations Yes, I am Something like Yes, I am something like 130s.

It's hard to keep track. Oh, I see. And your subjects, probably their lifespan is a lot shorter than yours. So generations of your subjects. Generations of the people who I rule over, who I've seen died at miserably young ages. That's not really my, you know, it's hard for me to do anything about that, like their quality of life. There's only so much you can do to keep everybody alive. Thank you.

Can I just say thank you? So much miserable young age death. King, I don't know if I cut your name? My name? King Morsbach. King Gruntheir Morsbach. Gruntheir to my friends and you three are my new friends, especially you. Oh, majesty. Always nice. Thank you, friend. King Mossback, can I ask what is, what's your secret? Yeah, how are you keeping it so tight?

You've been ruling for generations. You keeping it tight? Yeah, sorry, I don't mean secret in general. I mean secret to getting to your 130. My secret is being extraordinarily good to oneself, taking long baths, an occasional shower, eating only the most primo of cuisine, and being filthy, stinking rich. That does help. and being filthy stinking rich. Unfortunately time comes for us all and so it will be soon my responsibility to hand my kingdom to the next generation of Mossback.

And here within lies my conundrum. Three sons, three sons, each worthier than the last. Three sons. Three sons, each worthier than the last. How do I decide which one to hand my keys? Usually it's the eldest, right? You have an heir, a spare, and... And that guy over there. An heir, a spare, and that guy over there. Yeah, but the triplets is the thing. Oh, shit.

And they all, they didn't, like, one didn't come out, like, just seconds before the other? No idea. I wasn't there. I wasn't is the thing. Oh, shoot. And they all, they didn't like, one didn't come out like just seconds before the other? No idea. I wasn't there. I wasn't in the room. Oh, did they all come out like three drunks leaving a bar at the same time, like jamming the door? Yeah, they were sort of like elbowing each other on the way out. Yes, Your Majesty. I've heard the tales of Queen Mossback's shoulder to shoulder to shoulder birth. It's a tale told all over. They call her the sitting queen, right? Yeah, she she bounced back.

Not completely, but she's doing. Is she still with us? She's still with us. She's still with us. If you can believe after giving birth to my three sons and 11 daughters, she's still with us as bright and young-seeming as the day is young. It's nearly evening. It's nearly evening is the only time.

Yes, yes it is. And the male triplets, they're the eldest. Out of all your 14 children, it sounds like? Oh no, the daughters are, you know, spread out. You know, some in the top, some at the bottom. But three men, I want to make that very clear. Why not just pick the eldest daughter? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha! Cheers to that!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No, I was trying to be serious, but uh, okay. Well, all right, I get your whole deal. Guys, I think King Mossbank thinks this is a comedy podcast. What a lark! Sadly mistaken. Yes, three sons all more qualified to rule this land than the last. And they will inherit not only my kingdom but also my fortune oh just looking at what you're wearing King Moss back it seems like your clothing is very organic I mean you literally have a cape made out of moss

seems like there's some kelp growing out of your hair. You just seem very swampish. Is that a- is that rude? Yes, well the land is a swamp. The resources are few and we make do with what we have. We're naturalists if you will. Well you own it. We own it, yes. Yes. But you do have some- some bling. Do you mind describing some of your the bling that you have mixed in with the shit your kelp and stuff your majesty bling is an earth word for your

beautiful jewels and and riches oh I see We're learning slang today on the pod Yes, now it's an educational podcast Uh, yes. Now he thinks it's an educational podcast. Pick, may I just say this, pick a lane, you three, you know, if you won't listen to ship, you're going to have to learn to market yourself to a specific audience. We try to be everything to everybody, you know, a little informational, a little life

advice. Yes. Populist. Here I have around my waist the great belt of catastrophe. I made it from the braided hair of the warriors that one day plundered this region. It's literally my enemy's hair. Was it imbued with any mystical properties from your amazing triumph? The mystics in our realm tell me that whenever I kill someone in battle and wear them, that I take on their years. Which is how I think I've managed to live as long as this.

Well, well, well, the secret comes out finally. Also, looking at your belt, it seems like a lot of your enemies are redheads. Yes, lots of redheads around the swamp, yes. And you're right, that is the secret to my... Is this a health podcast? It can be. Look, we have a segment of everything. It's a self-improvement podcast, yes. So what you're saying is when it comes to enemies, you have a type. I I suppose that's fair we have types we love and types we despise So I'm so sorry to get back to your three sons Yeah, you can't decide who to give your throne because each is exceptional in their own way. Yes

my three sons Cody Nate and Eric and your first name again My three sons, Cody, Nate, and Eric. Hmm. And your first name again? Oh, he's choking. He's choking. Oh, yeah. Too much plum wine. Too much plum wine. The pretzel was too small.

Still? My name, Gruntfair Mosbach. Gruntfair. And then Cody, Nate, and... Eric.ir. Mo's back. Yes. Grunttheir. And then Cody, Nate, and... Eric. Eric. Yeah, Eric. Ooh.

And so what are their... Oh. Arnie, should we take a break or should we get into the suns? Let's take a break and then let's... And then let's talk about the suns. I want to know about these suns and their strengths. Yeah. We'll be right back with questions from the audience.

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Hey, it's Guy Raz here, the host of How I Built This, a podcast that gives you a front row seat to how some of the biggest products were built and the innovators, entrepreneurs and idealists behind them. Every week I speak to someone new, stories like Justin Wolverton's, a lawyer who just wanted a healthy alternative to ice cream, so he created Halo Top in his Cuisinart. Or Todd Graves, who grew his fried chicken restaurant Raising Canes into one of the most successful fast food chains in the US. All of these great conversations can help you learn how to think big, take risks, and

navigate crises in life and work from people who've done all of that and more. Follow How I Built This on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to How I Built This early and ad free right now on Wondery Plus. for something in between the second and the third. Okay. Just break these in half. Oh, that totally works! That totally works. This is what Star Smasher was made for, baby. You're just smashing these pretzels to bits. Wait, smashing pretzels, that's something.

Hmm. Write that down in my notebook. Here you go, here's some pretzel splinters. Should be nice and bite-sized. There you go, here's some pretzel splinters Nice and bite-sized. There you go. So King tell us about Cody Nate and Eric, let's start with Cody Cody strengths. Why would Cody make a good king? Why would he not make a good king Cody? Cody is a Philosopher

He roams around the countryside, putting on intellectual summits meant to educate the serfs. Oh. The summits, they mostly consist of him and his friend Mark. They sit on two soap boxes and they just sort of chat about stuff. Okay. But they call this they call this sort of Roman show the two royal two royal dudes. Okay.

It's really scintillating stuff. It takes some time to get into. Sure. Yeah. Once you're in, you're all the way in. It's really... They cover topics such as the benefit of drinking bull's blood and how everyone should own a crossbow.

Everyone? I've been saying that. Everyone. You know, you need to protect yourself. Even against the government. I say that as the government. As the government, yeah. Yeah. Speaking of which, they talk about limiting the role of government,

which is sort of strange, given that he is the prince and stands to inherit the kingdom. So maybe a ding, maybe a vote in the no column. Yeah, it doesn't seem like a king material, perhaps. You'd be amazed the audience this thing has. Oh yeah? Yeah, I mean like, maybe a hundred... Amazed or upset? Yeah, like, I think like a hundred, a hundred and twenty serves.

It's a little unclear if it's a new audience every time or if it's just the same audience that's sort of following them around. It's gotta be so hard to get good analytics on this kind of thing, you know, like, and also like, are you measuring surfs that are just walking by or surfs who had an impression made upon them, like it made an impression on them.

Yeah, or is the surf like dead and just happens to be there but you're still counting them right yeah that's the big question yeah how many of them actually died in place and are just there from show to show yeah yes yes yes tell us about Nate yeah King tells about Nate tell us about Nate it's gotta be better than Cody I'm gonna be I'm gonna be honest gotta be better than Cody Cody is a fantastic choice for the future of this kingdom let's get that very straight but Nate is clever as a whip great is a he's a financier, an economist, if you will, who has developed a new currency, a new currency. Yes, he calls it Nate coin.

And while the the standard for our land is gold, this new coin is made of something completely different. It's made of cow feces. Oh. Oh, ee-wee. Huh. And he named it after himself. He did. He's...

I think... Look, I'm sure he's got his own plan. Personally, if I were making a coin, I would either... Ooh, finally, you saw Arnie's finally going to let us know his insight into making currency We've been paying him for you finally our economic segment of this show. I would either Make it out of something besides

shit Or if I had to make it out of shit, I probably wouldn't name it after myself So the Arnie Nikoi is not made out of cow shit. We were setting the record straight today. Look here's the thing there's probably gonna be trace elements of cow shit. You can't have there be none. Sure. But yeah. All currency, I don't know if people know this, every single gold coin in the kingdom has shit and cocaine on it. Exactly. Two people snorting cocaine off of coins. Yes. You've been paying attention. I rule over a swamp, so the choices are rather finite in terms of material.

But it technically, or Nate and I, Nate tells me that technically it's more valuable than gold because there's less of it. Okay. But he's made less of it, so there's less of it. Oh, okay. He's made less of it, so there's less of them. So by sort of law of scarcity, there's less. It's more coveted. Okay. I mean, that's only true if people,

things only have the value that we ascribe to them. So if I look upon this pile of cow shit and say, no, thank you, it holds no value for me, isn't that correct? Yes, but I have in turn forced my kingdom to use it. And so that is actually quite meaningful. Oh, I should get some of this. So let me ask you this, King Nate and I guess Cody, because I failed to ask for him.

Have either of them tried to, you know, like drip poison in your nose, your ear, your eyes, your mouth, but any, like any sort of poisoning of you attempts at all? It is hard to poison me in the sense that I only consume anything that comes from this tavern. Oh, this tavern specifically. That's sort of how I keep it, you know, keep it clean. Okay and also your ear holes are very tiny so it's probably hard to get poison in there. I get that feedback lots. I get the feedback that I've got little

holes, little little orifices, not very much room for entry. I am so jealous. Some say that's how our kings were naturally selected. Tiny as holes. So evolution at work, which I don't believe in there being God. What? I don't believe in evolution, but if I did, then it would make sense that those of us born and bred to be kings would have tiny, teeny tiny holes. But the three goddesses bequeathed the gift of evolution upon us.

It is part of their divine plan. Wow. Way to rationalize. Gotta say, I do appreciate your separation of church and kingdom. Yes, there are ways in which I'm actually quite progressive. OK, that's good. Now, have you noticed, I appreciate how you are very supportive of your two sons so far, despite them, I don't know, seeming not so great to me personally.

Ah, just brilliant sacks of meat, both of them. Has it ever occurred to you that both of them seem to be dedicated to disrupting you specifically, like undermining your economy and getting the serfs to distrust the government, which is you. It is only the natural path of any young man to try to upset their father, to try to improve upon their father's ways. If not for improving upon me, then why should there be sons at all hmm this is wisdom Arnie didn't you ever rebel against your parents well you know my dad is a basketball coach and my mom is a math teacher so I guess yeah I hold on hold on hold on hold on. Mmhmm.

You sir, did we know his mom's a fucking math teacher? Your mom's a math teacher? Yeah, this came up and we got mad at him at that time too. Yeah, you reacted with just as much shock. Ah. Than as now. How are you so bad at it? I don't know.

Good question. And you're the purveyor of this institution? Yes. That's gonna be tricky By the way, you tab so far ha Wow This says you owe me money Chunt you ever rebel against your parents. Oh Yes, tell us paper bag. Yeah. Well, thank you. I yes all the time I would turn into all kinds of animals that they didn't want me to you know for a shapeshifter. There's certain forbidden animals

your walruses your wolves anything with things hmm Not your water buffaloes your weevils comma bulls Be all LL Or the bowl we will be you LL a very formidable beast What else would beckers do all I would yeah woodpecker if my mom would flip if I ever turn into a woodpecker

No, no widow wabbits I love birds. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no your instructors or anything? Oh, I was very studious at the great halls of Trakis. But lest thee forget, I was brought into this world by a conspiracy of birds and wind and rain and fire and beasts of the forest deers and all sorts of manner of nature that insisted there be a champion who would defend us from the forces of evil. And those birds wanted me to fly everywhere and I said nope I'm walking yeah smart smart miles back what was your relationship like with your father I was immaculately conceived okay oh wow wow Barry the. I only knew my mother the great Queen Okay, the last Queen will ever have I guess in your own way. You also are rebelling. That's right

Well, if I may ask then if you aren't part of a lineage of kings, how did you ascend to the throne if you were just born immaculately? Yeah, do you have any siblings? I was the only child of my mother, the queen. She took no husband, not wanting to share her power. And yet somehow I was born into the world, thereby returning. Oh, he's getting emotional.

He's thinking of his mom and getting emotional. Yeah. Yes, my mother, one of the great, great rulers of this land. And when I finally destroyed her, it was all that I could do. It was all that I could do to keep my self together. Ooh, a mattress side, okay.

That's a real game changer. Looks at the king. Wink, wink. Hey-o. Hey-o. Hey-o. Arnie, I think we have to check this guy's midichlorians. Yeah, well, I think we need to dig a little more into his dirty laundry and figure out, like, what we can learn from all that.

And my final son, Eric. Oh yeah, Eric Mossbeck. Tell us about Eric. Eric is a patron of the arts. Oh. He is a particular love of a fine nude. He connects nudes from all around the kingdom. Drawings, paintings, sculptures, etchings, marble. All sorts of sentient forms are beautiful in their own ways.

That is a legitimate form of art. I hate that he's my favorite son. Right. Eric will stay in his bedroom and just admires the nudes for hours at a time. Hours and hours. Sometimes he admires them so much that he emerges sweaty. Oh. And when you try and go into his room when he's admiring the nudes, does he say or scream anything at you? The store is locked.

Oh. Entrance is not an option, option I assume because he is so focused on digesting their divine beauty Okay, so you're saying that these three are tied in your mind Yes the scale the the three-way scale is not unbalanced in any direction. And I must offer my kingdom to one of them with no other option. Except my, did I say 11 or 12 daughters? Eleven.

Oh boy, you don't even remember the exact number. Yes. El-el-Bella. Bella Bella. King. You don't have to do this. Elabella. He's staring at the ceiling trying to remember these names. Elabella. King, I'm gonna ask you to repeat them.

Are three of them named Elabella? No. Wait. It's Elabella. Elabella. I'm gonna start over. Bella Ella. All right, sorry, go ahead. Bella, Bella Belle, Ella Belle, Ella Bella.

Listen, we didn't get very creative with these because we didn't feel the need. Annabelle. Oh, okay. Honestly, it sounds like the lyrics of a great novelty 50s rock song. Annabelle. Bella Bella, Ella Bella Bella

Here's is here's a what here's one Beth Oh Changes it up Beth a bell Beth a Bella and Ella Betha That's 11 Hypothetically if there was a 12th yes yes Ella Bethabella beautiful well King let's um me and my co-host chat a minute here guys yeah all right also this table is so nice I know I put you know I put most of the work into the podcasting area the rest of this place probably could use a

little work. Yeah, it's a real shithole. So what do we think out of Cody, Nate, and Eric? We have a fame chaser, an idiot, and a chronic masturbator. Which of the three do you think we should advise? I would say the guy with the spank bank. Yeah. Who is that, number two?

The coin guy? No, the nudie. The guy that's constantly rubbing one out Okay, I mean given the choices. It's it's a lesser of three evils. All right, okay Unhuddle unhuddle. How do you get what do you what's the word for out of a huddle breaking? Bring we've come to a decision if you if you seek our counsel Yes, us three friends. Oh yes, please friends. The three wise men make this decision for me. Oh thank you so much. I have fur.

Arnie, do you bring anything for the king? You do look like, you look like a wig poking out of a bag. Has anyone given you that piece of feedback? You look like someone shopped for too many wigs. It's true. Big Bab, what'd you say? Bib bag, that's hard to say, bib bag. New catchphrase.

Arnie, give me the news. Before we give you the news, I just wanna confirm one thing. Does it have to be one of your sons? Because that's the part that I really hate about this. We have an answer for that part of it but is there any possibility of it being one of your daughters like daughters yeah honestly I would pick L Bell Elabel Elabella Bell L Elabel uh Elabeltha Betha I don't have a I don't have a

daughter named Beth Beth uh Bethadel whoa look at all the magic happening around us! It's like a tornado of spells! Use it or stop! I've learned a new school of magic! These pretzels are enormous! What am I going to do with pretzels this size? They're shaped like women and they're dancing! User, please disperse the...

...dispense of the pretzel or the magic wheel. Zapal! Gentlemen gentlemen or two gentlemen a big bag of wigs I have never even considered the possibility that I might give my kingdom to one of my daughters but now broached as you have so thoughtfully it must be considered let's take a quick break and let's dig into the possibility, into two possibilities. One, that maybe your kingdom can go to one of your many daughters. And two, maybe the sign for the wander lost should be a dancing female pretzel.

I love that. I was worried you wouldn't get the marketing down and you're nailing it. I was worried you wouldn't get the marketing down and you're nailing it. It's all a lighthearted nightmare on our podcast, Morbid. We're your hosts, I'm Alina Urquhart. And I'm Ash Kelly. And our show is part true crime, part spooky, and part comedy. The stories we cover are well researched. He claimed and confessed to officially killing up to 28 people.

With a touch of humor, I'd just like to go ahead and say that if there's no band called malevolent deity, that is pretty great. A dash of sarcasm and just garnished a bit with a little bit of cursing. This mother****er lied. Like a liar. Like a liar. And if you're a weirdo like us and love to cozy up to a creepy tale of the paranormal,

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In a world that doesn't feel so safe anymore, we're waiting for you. Here, in Pura. AAAAAAAAHHHHH! The Last City is a new scripted audio drama. I'm waiting for you, here in Pyrrha. at Wandery.com slash plus. Oh, okay, Arnie, you sort of went ahead and magic'd us a sign for the Wanderlust, and it is a dancing pretzel woman holding a big beer. Big style beer. Whoa, these pretzels are making me thirsty.

That's, that was the intent. So let's dig into... Oh boy, should we go through the pluses and minuses of all 11 daughters? What do we think? How about we do a lightning round of like one word to describe each daughter? Any of them have to be better though. Very efficient. Sure. So where where to begin? El? Bella? Bella Belle? Which is the eldest? Oh don't say eldest. The eldest is El. But which is the bell-dest? The bell-dest is better Belle. So I think eldest Belle I mean that's

where we got to start right? Well That's the choice number one, right? The oldest child usually takes over the throne. So tell us about Eldest Belle. Yes, L, I believe you mean. I'm so sorry, L. Let's get this right. I don't know how I got confused. Yes, well, L is an interesting candidate.

She does run my military. Oh, all right. Yes, She's quite good at it. I actually haven't stepped foot in the barracks for maybe going on 30 years. Wait, she's been running it for 30 years. What age did she start running your military? I mean, Arnie, there's 14 of them. Yes, when she was maybe 12 or 13. I honestly don't know. I don't really keep track of them, the daughters. How is your military doing?

It's great. She's delivered me all sorts of belts. Oh, L for the W. Is there any reason why she wouldn't make a good queen? Well, let's think. She's compassionate, she's well-managed, she's an expert in war and war tactics. She, in her spare time, runs my kingdom and its staff. Oh, Sean. She looks after my three sons.

Huh. Okay, so she's not perfect. She's raised three shitheads. Well, OK. So she's not perfect. She's three shitheads as as best she can. Wait, as best she can. Are we talking about again now? We are talking about now. OK, let me clear this. So it sounds like I don't want to be rude, King, but it sounds like she's already doing your entire job and you're kind of off

eating and drinking? Well, put it that way. Right? Am I? I suppose I'm busiest staying alive. It's really what I've consumed myself with. It is a lot of work to take care of oneself and to properly exercise and eat right and kill the proper redheaded enemies that you steal your essence from. Yes, unfortunately again, that is Elle. She has been doing that for the last 30 years or so, killing the redheads on my behalf.

Oh, and then she just offers you that, their life essence. But does she not know? Yes, she gives them to me as birthday gifts so that I might live another birthday. She's quite sweet despite her belligerent nature. What a loving thing for a daughter to do, to care for her father in his later years. It's the opposite of poisoning. El as Queen. El as Queen, right? A queen gives birth to a king, gives birth to a queen, a queen sandwich with a king in the feed.

Well, from there, you didn't give birth to... Well, although maybe you did. Did you give birth to L? Well, somebody did. Oh, yeah, my queen. The queen, yes. My queen, yes. Right, yeah. Arnie, put a queen sandwich on the menu. Okay, yeah., we write that down

And add pretzels we gotta have pretzels because of the sign. Yeah the sign people will be so mad if we don't have sexy pretzels at this place so Advertising that point. I think a Queen sandwich is uh Will hit the spot King Moss back. It seems to me like it's a no brainer that El should run your kingdom. Although I'd like to hear at least a little bit about Bethabel. Bethabel's a mess. No chance. No chance.

I think she might be here. I think she might be in the back. OK. Passed out. Oh. Bethabel? Is there a Bethabel here? Yeah. Yeah. What? Oh, Bethabel? Is there a Bethabel here? Yeah, what? Oh, Bethabel. Yeah, what?

Oh, your dad was, sorry, your dad was calling you. Hi, daddy. Bethabel, Bethabel. Yeah. I told you, I told you, you've got to limit yourself at eight. Gotta cut you off at eight. I don't want to daddy. Who's the wig in the bag? I Keep it ask it's freaking me out a little too be honest

Come here Come here wig in a bag. Please please don't come here. No, please wants to wear you I'm not a no, I need I need eight wigs And it looks like you're the man for the job You've got more than enough wigs to spare looks like you overshot Arnie I don't want to be a wig for this woman. Please do something Arnie Bethabel There's a free drink in the alley behind the tavern

Yeah, right. That's where I was already drinking, so thank you. Bye, daddy! Bye, daddy! Bye, guys! Bye, guys! I guess I'm going! No, no, no, bye! Oh. She was still wearing chants, Arnie. That wasn't the best bait you've ever made. Yeah. Your Majesty, if you are determined to pass your kingdom to this queen, then what other reason is there for you to continue?

Shouldn't you retire and just give her the powers, and she's doing so much of the work anyway? I suppose there's a piece of me that feels that if I give up my kingdom, I will succumb to death, as if a man who stops running instead falls down. But you already have so many amazing accomplishments under your belt. My three sons, for instance. Well, I think Ericsson has succumbed to death. Be honest, that feedback was a little muted. More muted than I would expect.

What about my 11 daughters? You feel you have a new pride for them. Yeah. Oh, yes. And I think you should go to each of them and tell them how much you love them. Even the mess in the alley. Yes. Yes, you're right. I'll bring them all together.

El, Bella, Bella Belle, Ella Belle, Ella Bella, Annabelle, Annabelle Beth, Bethabelle, Bethabella, Ella Betha. Oh, and I should say, when we got outside... I think that was the last one. I should say when we got outside Centipede, bit your daughter's foot, startled her, and I came back in, so... That's fine.

She should check on her. She's probably checking on her. Honestly, she won't even remember it tomorrow. Okay. KingMossback, I guess I have to ask, before we end this episode, you know the there have been a lot of changes in food over the last year wizard law has been declared

the Wizards are trying to lock down all the food sort of take over all food to keep it safe for Wizards we're trying to fight back against that do you think you could talk to your daughter about inscripting her army to join our fight To defeat the wizards it is the least I could do to contribute to my new friends cause Thank you king our round of drinks to the king No not to the king not to the king. Not to the king any longer. To a patron of this fine establishment. And your friend, Gunthy. Well we appreciate this is one of the few places that's been keeping you from being

poisoned. Unfortunately, this tavern isn't gonna be here very much longer. Arnie, don't sell yourself short. No, no make a great business man You so because you're so bad at math John you said or you know, I said that this tavern has a curse on it Basically, this is a movable tavern So we can travel all around food in this tavern building allegiances

Uniting all the food against the Wizards from this tavern building allegiances uniting all the food against the wizards from this tavern well it doesn't sound like what that means is this tavern is gonna start moving in about 15 seconds so hey everybody here you don't have to go home but if you stay here you won't be able to go home the tavern is about to start moving I'm sorry seems like there's an easier I said I've heard something sent to be sent to be to me yeah yeah everybody out that doesn't want to start moving towards North East here King you probably are gonna want to get out of here before too long always

you're gonna be outside of your kingdom pretty soon my friends best of luck on your adventures and thank you for your divine wisdom. When you return to this land, there'll be a queen in charge. Oh, so what you're saying is you'll be dead, probably. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I might trip on the way out of here and just lose some bones. Just be careful. I cannot move very fast. Yeah, but I'm here. I'm just gonna help. I'm gonna kinda push you out the door a little bit.

Okay, here we go! Off and at him! Ow! Daddy! Seriously, how? He pushed him right on top of his daughter. I know, he broke something too. Oh, he's very fragile. Bye Gunthy

He looks sturdier than he is Well, okay, can you feel the tavern it's moving? Oh, yeah That means the magical legs are forming underneath it. So I should probably go to to the steering room. The steering room? I should go take the reins to sort of steer the tavern. This tavern has a bridge?

Yeah. Does it have a metal bridge? I don't know. It's not that fancy. It's mostly a tavern with legs. There's a room where you can kind of look and see know, it's nice. Nothing that fancy. It's mostly a tavern with legs. There's a room where you can kind of look and see what direction it's going. A window? Arnie, a window? Yeah, you called it a window.

Do windows have different names at different sizes? Well, there's portholes, there's windows, there's... Bay windows. Bay windows, of course. Show those other ones. Screen windows. Arnie, of course. Show those other ones. Screen windows. Arnie, are we just ending the episode by being so... Oh wait! The bridge! Alright!

Alright, calm down really quick. I'm just gonna grab some of these pretzels. Now I'm out, now I'm out, now I'm out. There now, that wasn't so entertain- uh, that wasn't so bad, was it? Usernotherwizard was played by Matt Young. ChunkTheTalkingBadger was played by Adol Raffaea. KingGuntheerMossback was played by special guest Sam Reich. Sam is the CEO of Dropout TV and the host of Game Changer and Make Some Noise. Subscribe to Dropout TV to watch all its incredible shows, some featuring appearances

for many of your Magic Tavern favorites. Not me. I'll keep sitting by the phone. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon Also known as the thousand points of easily convinced light supporters like Craig Kleinpeter or just Craig I've come to distrust that name Tyler Kate s Lord Ariakon the Mike Haley thanks for clarifying all you other Mike Haley's sorry not today

John Dyer Connor Connor Ebert, James Wardell, Caleb Hudson, Johnny Neville, Shrike Alvaron, lead character in Bird Game of Thrones, Quinn Tavern, let me guess your middle name is Hello from the Magic, Jeremiah Monser-Dowman, Jack Perdom, Eric Mongren, and Mitchell Jures. Hello? Hello? Oh great, this is the downside of opening a shop. People coming into it, I'll have to speed through the rest. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog,

including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Currently, the Patreon is running new episodes of season four of Offices and Bosses. Here's a clip of the most recent episode. I'm gonna self tutor myself through a PhD program starting next year and I don't know that I'm gonna have time for love and other such frivolities.

Yeah, yeah, me too. I'm about to never do weed and really turn my life around. So safe, actually. I actually am too busy to love you. Really? Because you're like always so high. No, no, this will do it. I think maybe your first love might just be the gunshot. No, no, I think I'm really busy with sort of changing the world. So I actually can't love you. Really? A lot of people are like worried about you. And Momo, this is the moment where Stoney kind of realizes the downfall of hitting puberty within a two second moment. Oh yeah, I meant to have a deep voice. It probably would have changed if I had kept a deep voice the whole episode.

Wow. If only we could go back in time. I have this eraser, but I was saving it for later. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello. Are you open? Anyone here? Sign says you're open.

And I can read. Be there in a second. The nerve of someone walking into a shop during business hours and expecting service. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neakamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Okay, done. I can turn off the space bunker ambient noise. And I guess now I have to tend to the shop before anyone gets suspicious. Coming! Hello, welcome to Kitty's Bits and Bangles. How may I help you? Ah, what an interesting place you have here. And seeing as how you're the new shopkeep,

I wanted to stop on by and welcome you. I'm the mayor, but you may call me Gianessa. Will do. What a wonderful first interaction. you may call me Gianessa. Will do. What a wonderful first interaction. Be sure to come back sometime not too soon. What a wild response. Well, you should know if anything suspicious happens around here, I'll find out about it sooner or later. I have my ways.

Thanks for that vaguely threatening statement. I'll mull it over while restocking my shelves later today. Now that you're open, I'd say you can expect all manner of visitor to drop by now and again, so keep that in mind and take care. Nice to meet you. You do the same! What have I done? I should have stayed in the goblin jail.