Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, ep 10 - Finder of Lost Things (w/ Carisa Barreca)

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

Valencia Montagoo comes from a long line of finders and is going to help find the missing tavern.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiValencia Montagoo: Carisa Barreca Mysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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From the producers of Jury Duty and The Bachelor. We have scoured the earth for the 14 greatest reality contestants that were available during our production window. ...comes a reality competition show about reality competition shows. What in gay hell have I got myself into? The Goat premiering on Freebie and Prime Video on May 9th. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. There's no magical alternate dimension, and I certainly haven't snuck into that dimension to keep the plot from spinning further out of control while masquerading as a humble

shopkeep behind the counter of Kitty's Bits and Bangles. Now that we've agreed that's not happening, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Ecamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload a podcast, well, usually recorded in our new tavern, The Wanderloss, but it's

got legs. It's a tavern with legs. It ran off last week, so we're still trying to find the tavern. Arnie, Arnie, quickly, follow me. Follow me through this. Through these trees! Follow me! Trunch! Trunch! Come here! Why are you moving so fast?

Look! Look! A bird's nest! Oh wow! Arnie the beauty of life! Yeah, I guess. It's a little baby bluebird. How much longer are we going to have to be outside? Well, just until we find your shitty tavern. Hmm. Arnie, you feel annoyed at nature. Do you not like being outside?

I'm an inside boy. Yeah, the bugs are eating you alive. Have you ever been camping or anything? Look at me. My whole body is outlined by bugs that are actively trying to eat me. There are big bugs around here too. Yeah, a couple mosquitoes are having a date on your arm there, there's a little table, some food, some wine. I think these two are gonna make it work. Oh, wink, wink, I see what you're saying.

The beauty of nature. Oh, Arnie, what? You just killed that date night, you just killed their date night. I had them, they went out on a high, it was like, this is so great. And then, out. Oh, I also forgot to mention during my intro, I'm not evil. That's good.

That's good to remind people. Oh wait, I think I see a chimney. Is that it? Is that the Wanderlust? Is that the Wanderlust? Arnie, I just want you to know that I'm doing everything I can to track down the Wanderlust.

I think we're just gonna have to wait till it gets tired though, and we'll catch up with it. Until then, enjoy the majesty and the beauty of this magical forest. Hello boys. Whoa! Oh! You seem lost. Valencia Montague at your service. How can I help you? Ms. Montague, we saw a chimney over that ridge there, and we'd hoped it was our tavern that we've misplaced. Oh, that, no, that's my modest house over there. You're seeking a tavern, you see. Oh, interesting.

I could possibly help you. I am a seeker of lost things a finder of desires I'm a tracker of treasures Whatever you seek let me know and I shall find it's Valencia Montague That's what I do Valencia Montague Montague Montague like Ikki think like a gooey substance is a valencia montague You own the ickiness of that you're like when you're explaining it to people you're like goo like gross like icky It's a it's a icky little thing. Oh gross. Yeah, I'm here to help gentlemen you seem bewildered by the wilderness

Well, I have to be honest with you valencia the wilderness. Well, I have to be honest with you, Valencia. While we do seek this tavern, for its windows were open and it started perambulating about, there are many greater desires, secret desires that perhaps you could assist us with. Chunt, Chunt, what's your secretist desire? Oh, I mean, right now, that mosquito couple could continue their date. Absolutely. If that is what you desire, right now that mosquito couple could continue their date?

Absolutely, if that is what you desire, that is what I will seek. Since they are dead, I'll have to bring them back to life, but that is something I could probably do for you for the right price. Give us one moment, please. Thank you so much. Is it worth bringing them back? I mean, they already drink blood. It's not like it's going to get any worse when they're undead, right? Yeah. Well, also, I just have to kill them again. It's kind of productive. Why did you have to kill them in the first place? They were on my arm. It was gross.

There's all sorts of gross things living on my arm. You don't hear me complaining about it. But I complain about it Miss Montague we've discussed it and no, thank you, but we would We would like you to help track down our tavern a tavern you seek then a tavern is what we shall find Tell me a little bit about the tavern. Go ahead. I need to get inside the mind of the tavern go ahead I need to get inside the mind of the tavern profiling the tavern well it's called the wander lost okay it's gone that thing is gone are you kidding me it's called the wander lost and you're looking for it

that thing wanted to get gone it's a tavern find a new one what's so special about your tavern well it's still in there it's cursed it's a tavern find a new one. What's so special about your tavern? Well, it's still in there. It's cursed. It's cursed and your things are inside. Yeah, but not in that order. What else? It's it's warm. It's a cool. It's a friendly tavern. Mm-hmm Okay, it's friendly cursed Ours it actually belongs to Arnie. He this is Arnie kneeamp. He's a traveler from another world. I doth my hat to you, a traveler from another world? Fantastic! Are you looking for that other world? Because I can find that for you easier than I can find a tavern called the Wanderlost. Come on! Oh boy. Options. I didn't think in the middle

of this early season five episode we'd'd get you home. Oh my god. Yeah. Definitely a possibility. I mean, yes. Here's the thing, guys. Are you okay with ending the podcast? Well, I suppose that Valencia here would become the new host of Hello from the Magic Tavern,

and we would continue on with the show, and you would just be somewhere else. Don't you want to get home? Arnie, this is your greatest desire. Or has your greatest desire changed? I mean it's been a long time. Things evolve, people change. Up to you. I mean we could find the tavern first, then you can make up your mind. I'm here for you. Gentlemen, you found me. I'm here to find something for you. Is it finally time for me to go back to Earth? Arnie, if you go take us with you and we can finally… what did you say your dream was? Host?

Watch what happens next? Yeah, I mean look, I've never really regularly watched any of the other Bravo shows, but I mean it has your catchphrase in it What's next what's the beginning in the end? Right also I would be able to kill two birds with one stone because I would know what was going on But on those shows by explaining what was going on on those shows you sir you sir calm down calm down It's just an expression. Okay. He did kill two mosquitoes. He's not gonna kill two birds. Where's that? Where's that nest? Let's get that nest nice and covered by the leaves here. Keep that nest away from my arm

You leave those birds alone. Hey Arnie leave those birds alone Look guys, I don't talk about it so much anymore But at night when I'm sleeping I have dreams and I live my life on earth and I do all my family stuff Is that the best way to explain that I think so so in some ways I'm not super motivated to go home But maybe I should and part of me thinks that you guys need me, but I'm being honest this season I've just been fucking up left and right I got Tom Blaine Belleroth trying to kill me

Maybe it's time for me to leave Foon behind And now that you say it I've been fucking up left and right this season, too And all the wizards are mad at me. I've made them all mortal They can all be killed so easily including myself and uh Perhaps perhaps it's time time I left food. Yeah, now that I think about it, I've been fucking up left and right and up and down and center this whole season. Arnie, remember when I spilled that sauce on your pants? Yeah.

You got so mad. Remember when I pointed out that there was a mosquito couple dating on your arm and you killed them? Yeah, you made me kill them by pointing it out. I guess I did. An accessory to murder. Ms. Montagu? Yes, gentlemen, I'm here for you. It's Valencia Montagu! Uh, Valencia Montagu? Arnie, tell her. I think we've made our decision. You'd all like to go home?

Well, we all have separate homes. We'd be roommates on Earth, right? So you'd each like to go to your separate homes, but where is home? That's a great question. For a long time we've lived in the tavern. Okay. So we're kind of back to square one. Yeah, this is kind of how this show goes. We've been fucking it up left and right. Wow.

I think what we're saying though in the larger sense, if we're saying literally home. Yes, a room upstairs at the tavern. We drink until we can't see straight. We stumble upstairs. We fall asleep. We wake up the next morning feeling terrible, thinking we're going to change our ways and just start drinking again. Now. Maybe what's best is we find the tavern and, cause I don't want to make any big decision like this unless it's at that very table right well I

would be honored to take you to your tavern so you can make this very important decision I'm honored to lead you there to track your tavern oh I almost forgot we didn't we never asked Wile E potatoes the rat with a wand inside him Do you have any ways that you fucked up recently? Oh? Yeah, I can translate since um I've been a rat before He said that he's sorry that the other week he left with that that woman. What was germs wife's name? Mrs. Germ Mrs. Germ yes, thank you already see I fucked up. I couldn't even remember wife's name? Mrs. Gurm? Mrs. Gurm, yes, thank you Artie. See, I fucked up, I couldn't even remember Wife's name. Guys, why are we fucking up so much?

Valencia, sorry we didn't introduce you before. This is Wily Potatoes, the rat with a wand inside him. Obviously, he was the winner of March Magic, a bracket where magic users fought against one another. I'm sure you've heard about all of this. Absolutely. My travels definitely take me far and wide. And I've heard of the brackets, the rat with a wand inside of him and all of the

things that you're saying, they make a lot of sense. Sure. So thank you. Yes, absolutely. Yes. Well, sorry to wizard explain it to you then. No, thank you. I thank you all I doth my cap to all of you It's a pleasure to meet every single one of you and the rat. Oh, he's never been a cap. She hasn't dothed I love a cap. I Love a big cap with a giant feather in it and that is truly

Honestly, one of my my shortcomings. I will do anything for a giant cap with a giant feather in it that I can just dorset things. Yeah that makes a lot of sense because you have a real uh you have a real jaunty energy. Oh thank you absolutely it's a deliciously jaunty energy. Yeah, big jaunt energy. Oh, absolutely. That's what I bring to the table, is a jaunt energy. Now, gentlemen, it's time for this quest to find your tavern. Now, the thing I need from each of you is a word to describe your tavern. What is it? I have to get inside of the tavern's mind.

I need to know where it might go, a coming and going of it. A tavern, would that not count as one of the words? No, that can't count as the, that's a cheat, is what I would call it. Very literal. And the name of the tavern, the Wanderlust. That's, no.

Oh, that's gonna be mine. Please, just a little deeper. Okay. Oh, I'd say, I mean, I'd say adventurous. It's an adventurous tavern. Yeah, it likes to roam Yeah, yeah, that's yeah, that's happening right now. In fact. Yep. So wild. Oh, yeah I like a legged like it's I'm just trying to get it in one word very literal. Yeah Belagued yeah, like says an adjective. Okay. Okay.

Yep. I would say, I would say Byzantine. Because inside it's like a maze in there. You can't, you can't tell what's up, what's down. It does walk around on its own, but it's also a mystery on the inside. Oh, just like a busy teen. Yeah. Yeah.

Like a busy teen. What's going on inside those busy teens? They're going through puberty, they got everything going on. A lot. Their hormones. So annoying. Well, Valencia Montague is here to help you, and honestly I think I know where the tavern might be headed. Now, another word for tavern could be a watering hole. So I would check near the nearest body of water

because it might be just watering its hole. We could just take right off and look near a large body of water. Yes? Valencia, do you mind, could you excuse us for just one second? Absolutely, I doth my cap at you sir Take it. I don't have a cap, but I doth my hand at you. Oh, sorry. Sorry about that Valencia Arnie do you need to go water your hole?

Uh, Ch-Chun, you see yeah, yeah, yeah, I was totally in on on this woman, but she really lost me with that last one The water- the water thing? Well, her logic... Let's walk through her logic. Another name for a tavern is a watered hole. She can't hear us, right? Because... Let's just be brutally honest. Oh, wait, where'd she go?

I don't see her anywhere. She blended in with the forest. Wait, no, big hat with a feather. Big hat right there. Big hat with a feather. I am dothing my cab at you from far away. Yeah, we're dotting our cab. We'll be right back in a second.

We'll be right there. Guys, I'm just saying. I'm not going to be able to do this. I am dothing my cap at you from far away. Yeah, we're dothing your hat. We'll be right back in a second. We'll be right there. Guys, I'm just saying, I was excited that she was gonna be able to help us, but now I'm worried that she's someone that just is fucking up. She's just fucking up. I don't think that's fair.

We haven't even looked by the biggest body of water. I don't know what direction it is, but I could fly straight up into the sky and find it real quick. Well, that might be helpful. Also, Arnie. Just doing that to find the tail. I don't know what direction it is, but I could fly straight up into the sky and find it real quick Wow he shot up like uh, I don't know like what yeah John. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing okay Why do I look sad? No, I'm just catching up, you know, usually You sort of takes up a lot of emotional space. Yeah Flies up in the sky. Is this a time to catch up a little of emotional space. Yeah. It flies up into the sky.

Is this the time to catch up a little bit? Yeah, no, sorry. It's just usually when you put your arm on my shoulder like that and squeeze, you say, how you doing, buddy? And I say whatever, and then you go, you look tired. Yeah. I'm doing okay, how are you?

Are you a little tired? I am, actually, I'm a little tired. Ooh. Oh, he's back. Good catch up. I, uh. That man just fell from the sky. It's a huge body of- I dumped my cap at that. Oh Catch up I Sky it's a huge body. I don't like it that

It's a huge body of water about three-quarters of a mile northeast of here. Did you? Do I have to say did you see the tab? Did you see the tavern? I'll be right back Ever it kind of caught up with you last time yeah, this is awkward well Let's take a what would take a break take a break okay, and we disappeared during the breaks right we don't exist Yeah, you've really you should take a nap or something you look so tired look so tired. Gen Z high school girls have gone through a lot. So what could and did send a shockwave through a group of 50 of them competing in one of the nation's biggest scholarship

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or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to Once Upon a Beat early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or Wondry Kids Plus in Apple Podcast. Once Upon a Beat. Kids Plus and Apple Podcasts. All right, we're back with where where is every Valencia Valencia hello I've been in this bush the whole time. Did you not see my big hat with the fire? Yeah, sorry I seem to

Besides losing the tavern. I seem to have, besides losing the tavern, I seem to have lost Ysidor and Chunt now. Ah, well you found me, so I shall help you seek them. It's a fun game. I like to call hide and then go seek them. It's, I've made it up my, and so, okay. Did you name it yourself? I did, hide and then go seek them.

Hide and then go seek them. Yes, all right, let's, okay. So we're looking you name it yourself? I did, hide and then go seek them. Hide and then go seek them. Yes. All right, let's, okay. So we're looking for- So wait, I have to hide and then go seek them? Yeah, you will hide and I will go seek them. Okay. The other people that we've lost.

I'm really good at hiding, so if you find them, you might not find me yet and find me again. Okay. It's a risk I'm willing to take. No skin off my nose. This day was just gonna be me doing laundry, so this is a real win for me. Okay. When you come back, I'm not under this bush. You're not going to be under the bush. I won't check there though. No. Yeah.

Alright. That's not where I'll be hiding. There's this big hole in the ground. Is that something we should be looking at or no? Oh, that hole wasn't here before Hey y'all Arnie since you sort of went up I decided to go down looked around didn't see the tavern so nothing down there I have found him. I have done it Valencia Montague Has found you fantastic hide and then go seek them, TM.

Trademark. So, you went underground looking for the tavern. That's right. I love you buddy, but you're fucking up. What? I thought, I just thought, you know, if he goes up, I'll go, he goes high, I go low. Arnie, I found an underground swamp

with these glowing creatures. Wow, really? Yeah, really. Is that surprising? No, I guess. Valencia, did you know there's an underground swamp with glowing creatures around here? Under us? Yes, absolutely. Yes. Arnie, why are you so surprised at that specific information?

You're literally leaning on a punching pine. It's punching you in the side of the head right now. Ouch. That explains the headache. And Arnie, you had your eyes closed. Were you hiding again? I told you, we can still see you. No.

Fuck it up. You boys, you're cute little fuck ups and I enjoy that. Aw, thank you. I think losing our tavern has really gotten us on our heels. Like, we feel a little bit more confident at our regular table. Just gathered round, lifting a glass together, bending an elbow, lending an ear. Exactly, a warm fire you know, access to food and drink. Oh here comes, oh here comes Ysordor.

Ah well, I didn't see the tavern anyway. I don't know why I didn't fly up into the sky to look for it days ago. But it didn't work anyway. Damn it. I can't believe it. Oh God. Oh Venti, what's wrong? I'm sorry, I don't want you to see me like this.

But I'm just fucking up lately. What? Yeah, I've been fucking up left, right, and center. I've been trying to find things, and I just, I can't, it's not something that comes easily to me, but this is a family business, and I promised I would join it. The tracker of treasures, seeker of desires,

finder of things, it's just, I hate it. I don't know where anything is. It's a lot of pressure. I miss everything. I'm so sorry to anything is. It's a lot of pressure. Everything. I'm so sorry to hear that. It's a lot of pressure when your family demands these things of you. Valencia, if you could do anything you want, what would it be? No one has ever.

No one's ever asked me that. I think I would. Open a small sandwich shop. Why small? I could crush a sandwich right now. Well, a small, because I don't want the, just the job of opening a large one. Just sounds like a lot of work. Oh, the shop is small.

The shop is small. The sandwiches are as large as your dreams. Oh. That's right. Wow. Yeah, think about it. I've got small dreams. Then it could be a very small, a tea sandwich, if you will. That's what Valencia Montague would like to do, but instead she's here trapped, trying to find things.

I'm so sorry, gentlemen. I've lied to you, I've lied to myself. I don't know if I can get you to your tavern. It's all right. And Arlene, I don't think I can get you home It's alright. It's alright. We're all lying to ourselves and we've all been fucking up lately. It's it's just part of being alive Making mistakes and learning from those mistakes and growing. It's not just us like the people listen. We're recording this by the way I like I really fucked up by not telling you that from this It was my week to remind you I fucked up yeah

We're recording this and sending it to another world But if it makes you feel any better all the people listening to this had probably been fucking up recently, too Oh, wow, it does it does make me feel a little better that somebody in another world is really fucking it up Oh, yeah listeners. Hey listeners you listening right now, look to your left. Now look to your right. One of you just fucked up. Probably a lot of you looked in the wrong directions for one. That's how you fucked up. Oh yeah. Wow. We didn't know. A broken clock is right twice a day, so maybe I can help you find your tavern after all.

I mean, we can't fuck up all the time, can we? And if we can bind our powers of fucking up, maybe we could come together and find this tavern. Did you say a broken clock is right twice a day? Yes. What if one of the hands is broken off and that's how it's broken? Oh god, I fucked up again.

You fucked it up. This is really. You fucked up. My clocks that I have up again. You fucked it up. This is really- You fucked up. My clocks that I have in my room are numbered one through 24. Like the hands going one through 24. Why did you buy that clock? It was, I thought that's how clocks are supposed to look. Arnie, I'm a shapeshifter.

I'm usually in the form of an animal. I usually go by the sun or the moon, you know? Mm-hmm. Oh, for sure. That makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you. I think what I'm saying is clocks are stupid. Let's. Yeah.

We shouldn't be using them. We've all been thinking it. It's the clocks fault. It's the clocks fault we're fucking up. Kill the clocks. Kill time. Yes. Guys, let's kill,

Gardi, we have to kill time, quick. We've never done it before on the podcast. We have to kill time. I don't know, I feel like we've killed a lot of time. You're right, we should take action. Yeah, let's take action. Valencia, I'm just realizing, you've dropped hints about having a very interesting

and varied life and I have asked you almost no follow-up questions, I apologize. I've been really fucking up lately. You said you joined the family business, the Montague business? Yes, adventurers, seekers, treasure hunters, You said you joined the family business, the Montague business? Yes. Adventurers, seekers, treasure hunters, finders, heist makers. Ooh.

Yes. It's a swashbuckling, exciting business. So you come from a long line of adventurous goos. Exactly. The stories these goos could tell you. Finding treasures. Wait, your father is an Adrian Montagu, is he? That's my papa. Oh yes, I've heard of the great tracker Adrian Montagu. Quite well renowned in food. Arnie, have you heard of Adrian Montagu?

I don't think so. Well, if to ask, where has this Montagu gone? Oh, that is a story of woe. We haven't seen him in about 23 years. He was seeking a treasure in the depths of a volcano. I think I know what happened. He said, I could beat the volcano and I said, daddy please don't go. And he said, I'm a Montagu, I have to go. And he went into that volcano and he hasn't been back since. I still pray every day that he will come. But you know, let's be realistic. He's dead. He's inside of a volcano.

Sounds like you've found out. I mean, we have to presume he's dead. He's presumed dead, yes. It's likely he's dead. Now, Arnie, the thing is, this was a tale told all over the food. Adrian Montagu was the greatest at finding all sorts of, whether it be a knickknack or a mystical sword, from A to Z, soup to nuts,

whatever you wanted to find, he could find it. And one day the king, King Albain Belroth, was walking along the edge of the volcano and he dropped his crown in there. That's right. And he's like, Adrian Montagu, will you find my crown? Everyone kind of suspected he did it on purpose. It seemed like foul play, but Papa wasn't one for that. He didn't think it was going to be that bad. And you know, a Montagu is always a little full of themselves,

thought they could do it. Sure, but why is a king walking on the edge of a volcano? What the hell was he even doing? His edging? Maybe his edging? Was he an edgelord? An edged king, how dare you? I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

You said, you said king, I'm so sorry. Fowl Play was always suspected and ever since then, Papa has not been with us. He's been likely dead inside of a volcano, but legend of him coming back has traveled far and wide, and I hope one day I see him. Many say he's biding his time. Yes. In the volcano.

Yeah, he's gonna explode out of the volcano and save us all. Probably he burned up. I mean, that's the most likely thing. Yeah, big, big chance. Is your dad burned up? Some say he's biding his time. If I had to put a number on it.

Go on. I'd say he's like 75% chance he burned up? Some say he's biding his time. If I had to put a number on it. Go on. I'd say he's like 75% chance he burned up. 70, that's that low. 75, that's actually lower than I was gonna go. Yeah. I don't know math and that seems wrong. 25%, 20% he's biding his time. 5% he jumped into that volcano and a mystical portal opened up

and he found himself transported to another world. 5% that? Yeah. And I'm saying that as someone who fell through a mystical portal opened up, and he found himself transported to another world. Five percent that? Yeah. And I'm saying that as someone who fell through a dimensional portal. Well that's why I keep telling you to jump into a volcano! Try it. Do it. Try it. There's only a 75% chance you'll burn up. Valencia, we've talked about your papa a bunch, but would you tell us a little bit about your mamagu? But would you tell us a little bit about your mama goo?

Oh, mama goo, you should have seen her in her day. Now, she could literally steal anything from anyone at any time, and you would never know until it was too late. She she once literally went into a store and, you know, you know how they have that take a coin, leave a coin thing? Yeah, she took all those coins. just took them just the crime of the century there absolutely baffled people my mother Mamagu absolutely right how you named that she she was oh gosh once she went into a museum. Have you heard of museums?

Amazing. She went to a museum. She saw a piece of art she wanted, but here's the thing, instead of stealing that piece of art, she just redrew it. So she actually just took the, she took basically an idea. She stole an idea and then she passed it off as her own.

Arnie, this is like that thing you told us about on your world, intellectual property. Ah, that's a great way to say it. Yeah, Arnie, you said Mind of Mencia was a perfect example of that. Mm-hmm. Does that help us here at all? I think so. Does it help? Who got the merch? Who got the merch rights?

Of the art? Of the art, yeah. Who got the merch rights for the art? Oh, I mean, I know that we sold a lot of shirts with it. Absolutely a ton of shirts. And Valencia, I can't help but notice, tucked in the force back there, I do see a sign that says, Guzium. Is that your family, Guzium?

The family Gu Museum? That is, it's the Montague Museum, absolutely. Oh. It's where a lot of art that my family has stolen over the years, intellectual property, as you say, is tucked away in that museum. I could take you through it if you so desire. Oh, that would be wonderful.

Why don't we head that way? Valencia, I have to say, you come from a long line of finders and takers. Yes. I think it's okay for you to find your own path. If you wanna open a small sandwich shop, I'd be willing to give you upwards of 30 pieces of gold to get that started.

Wow, yeah, same. For you to track your own dream, as it were. I would happily fund that for some back end profits, of course. I'm going to pass, but I think you'll get more than enough help from these two. Very well. Let us take a quick break as we walk over to the Guzium. Girls Fight Back is the world-renowned personal safety and empowerment-based self-defense company that teaches women and people of all gender identities how to live confidently while being their own best protector. As a leading voice on violence prevention and empowerment for over 20 years, Girls Fight

Back has trained over 1 million people around the world since 2001. Their engaging workshops create a safe environment for groups to learn evidence-backed, life-saving skills, emphasizing that self-defense education is about more than just physical resistance. Girls Fight Back, led by CEO Nicole Snell, provides audiences with a range of applicable safety strategies that can be used in any setting

so that you can lead a badass life. To learn more about Girls Fight Back and to bring their award-winning trainings and seminars to your community, visit girlsfightback.com. That's girlsfightback.com. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels.

She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground. And I heard somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy,

we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels... There are murders in all of the books. ...that she was playing them out in real life? You can listen to Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy, early and ad-free right now,

by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Oh, there's a sort of a piece of wood blocking the way here. Tickets, 10 gold. Oh, Valencia, do we need tickets? Yes, everyone needs a ticket. Yes, it's part of the finder's taker's rules. We have to take something from you for you to seek inside the museum. I'm not sure if you're related to Robin Goo. He stole from the rich and stole from the poor. Oh, that's Uncle Robin.

Yes, absolutely. That's right. Yeah, if there's any of his artifacts in here, I'd gladly... Let me... Here you go. Here's ten gold. Thank you. Okay. To be honest, I'm not a big fan of Robin Goo. It's just with him, too many blurred lines.

Uncle Robin had a problematic past. Now, I have ten gold and gladly pay for this ticket, but I already have a number of other tickets from other things that I've bought in the past. Do you accept tickets from other events? Absolutely. I'll add them to the museum. Here you go. Oh, and we kind of guys, we kind of fucked up. Arnie, will you take note that we should just go ahead and splurge for the year long

food pass that gets us into every museum, every goosium, all the natural wonders. A lot of a lot of sort of royal halls Gets us into magical forests. It's really worth it. Oh, no Are we ever here to pass? See even Valencia says it's so worth it Here's the thing. I will foot the bill for that past But I'm not gonna I just don't't wanna be constantly having to take you guys to those things.

Well then how are we gonna get there? How would we? You're grownups, you can get there yourselves. But what if I'm scared and I need someone's hand to hold? I don't wanna go by myself. I'll look like a fool and all my friends will laugh at me. I've seen that happen, it's true. People would laugh if he went alone.

That's true. We gotta go Arnie. Arnie, you gotta go. Come on, Arnie. Please, please, true. You gotta go Arnie. Arnie, you gotta go. Come on. Arnie, please, please, please. I'm just playing and I'm laughing, so yeah. Okay, fine. Yay!

Hooray! Hooray, we did it! And Valencia, you sell, looks like we have to go back out into the gift store, which we entered through. You sell those food passes here? Absolutely. We sell food passes and so many t-shirts.

So many t-shirts. It's not as profitable as you think. Oh Arnie, please can I get this one? My dad's 98% dead. 98%? That seems high. I guess so. This was before I knew that you thought he was 75% dead. 98%? That's, I was supposed to put up a tombstone. Never! That 2% is what we live by here. I think this shirt looks amazing on you. Oh, thank you. Arnie, they say in life you die three times.

The moment you die, the last time someone says your name, and the first time someone makes a t-shirt saying, that person's definitely dead. So by wearing this, I'm keeping his chances alive, that two percent. Also your dad is a ghost so it's really appropriate for you. Oh yeah so I guess you don't die three times. Oh Arnie can I have this shirt that says goo get it? Can you look around a little more? There's got to be better. I like this one though. I like that one too. I want one too. It says goo get it. Googetit. That's a good t-shirt. Arnie, put that shirt down that says goo versus the volcano. That's nothing. That makes no sense.

I don't know. I kind of don't like it. No, put it down. You fucked up. Let's all get Googgetit shirts. Yeah, matching Googgetit shirts. For my little goo boys. Come on. Oh, the little goo boys! We're little goo boys! Oh, the goo boys. I think I'm gonna get this shirt that says Teen Wolf Goo. Yeah, I was in a weird place when I made that shirt. But yeah, I think it's cute.

I think it's fun for sure. Sort of looks like Jason Bateman on here, but you know who that is. Oh, I know who A Jason Bateman is. He works down at the tackle shop near the fishery. Oh yeah, the Bateman. Oh, Jason Bateman, I know him. Get your worms and your crawdads and all that sort of thing.

Lures, for sure. Frozen mice, yeah. Well yeah, why don't we think on the merch? We'll definitely, you sir, we're definitely gonna get some Googidit shirts. But let's, yeah, let's go back into the museum. For sure. Oh, over here, you're gonna love this. And the gates close. It says ticket needed, but I, you saw it.

The ticket was to get you into the gift shop. Now you need a ticket to get into the Guzm proper. Yeah, I've got, I can cover this one. Here's 30 gold. That gets all for you. Fantastic. All right, now we're, okay. Oh, look at this.

This is a fun part. This is a really fun part It's all of the the the music that my family has stolen over over the centuries Yes You could put on these headphones right here And and listen to each of the songs that some some other artists has sung But we we have as Montague's have stolen it is just it's delightful but we, we have, as Montagoos have stolen. It is just, it's delightful.

Oni, these are, this is very similar to the headphones that you brought from your world. Just take these two shells. Absolutely. And put a shell on either side of your head and listen to the music. Just for a second. Kind of like the ocean. For a second.

Just listen to them. Sounds like the Beatles. Oh, okay. Oh, well we're not gonna get that. Ernie, you got something, there's a bug in your ear. Ah! Oh gosh, this is embarrassing. I should have cleaned those.

That's on me. Arnie, you've killed three bugs in this episode. What is your deal? You've really got to help with the bugs today. They were on me. Yeah, well, they have to be somewhere, don't they? Not on me. Foon's never killed you for being on it. Yeah, well, they have to be somewhere, don't they? Not on me. Foon's never killed you for being on it.

Think about that. Technically, I have been killed. Okay, fair enough. Okay, already packed. If you hit one more bug, we get Go Get It t-shirts. You hit it, Go Get It. Does that make sense? Does it?

Yes, absolutely. Thank you. That made more sense than anything I've ever heard on this podcast in my life. You of you're not part of this child I'm gonna ask you I don't want you to give a stitch in your heart And if the answer is yes, I will get you that shirt, but does that make sense? Yes Okay. Yes

Something was permanently broken here today. Oh What's this? Wow. What is, oh, it's a beautiful portrait. Yes, oh my goodness, yes. Now, this is actually a picture of my eldest sister, Evelyn Montague. Mm. Yes.

Now, she is most famous for stealing hearts. Oh, that's just sweet. That's just nice. This picture, she's holding a human heart. That's what I said, she's stealing hearts. They're directly from the the chests of men who have wronged her. Oh does that happen a lot? You want to see the heart room? Yeah absolutely. Okay right through these doors over here, it is just tip to tail, just with... Can I just say the heart shaped doors are really nice. Thank you.

It's a nice piece of architecture, I like that. You did that? Yes, I whittled them. You whittled those doors? Yes. You said a lot. Now you sat on, I don't understand this, you sat on a porch with like a pocket knife

And just scrapes those out of a piece of wood. That's incredible There's gotta be exactly what I did. I have a lot of time. I'm not the best Montague So I'm basically here to keep the museum going and dream about those sandwiches. Wait a minute the Guys look at a closer inspection on the door. There's a tea carved into it with a circle, the- uh, guys look, a closer inspection. On the door there's a......tea carved into it with a circle around the tea? Did you carve that tea there? Did you carve that tea there, Valencia? Yes. Oh, okay. It seems like the mark of a tradesman, maybe?

Is it a trademark? This- this door is trademarked? That's right. I'm a tradeswoman, after all. Well, you're very multi-talented. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. Oh. You're doing an excellent job of running this this outstanding museum. Thank you. And honestly, watch out for the hearts, they are everywhere in this room just yeah. It smells terrible. A lot of them are just on the floor. I didn't know where to put them. Yeah. Just overflowing really. Just sloppy in here. This many men wronged her, your sister. That's what she says, and you've gotta believe her.

Did she ever give examples of what wrongs these were? Oh, for sure, yeah, absolutely. One guy, you're not even gonna believe this, one guy was looking at her weird. The men, am I right? Man. One guy, she was in line for something and he said, excuse me, can I go first because I have to get out of here fast.

And she said, nope, absolutely not. God, I would have loved to know more about that guy. He was late for something, I don't know. She didn't give many details. She just cut his to know more about that guy. Well, he won't miss a couple of these hunts. He was late for something, I don't know. She didn't give many details. She just cut his heart out immediately at that moment. Yeah. One guy, this is off, I can't believe she, I mean, didn't do worse to him.

One guy, she was married to him, just took a little piece of potato off a plate once and ate it. Oh, no, you never, you offer, you offer. That's right. There's a lot of wrong. But here, this right here, this is by the wall, this is the biggest heart I've ever seen. Oh yes, that actually was a troll's heart. Oh.

Of a man troll, a male troll, obviously. And he was, you know, she was doing stuff and he was just kind of like yelling weird things at her constantly and she was like no not today no trolls and she just killed him I think my favorite I think my favorite part about the big troll heart is that it ironically has hashtag not all trolls carved into it yeah she was feeling she was feeling a little goofy that day. It's that big jaunty energy. The whole family must have.

The whole family. You should see us at a family picnic. I'd love to see that. Oh, and speaking of a picnic, it looks like there's a smell going from this room over here. Yes, Arnie, it looks like there's a smell coming. And it says this is the- I was thinking it, but I didn't say it.

It says this is the Valencia wing? Oh that's not ready. I'm embarrassed you even found it. I don't want don't look in there. It's my it's oh god. It smells so good. No Valencia we're all works in progress. It's okay. Okay I just have to unlock it. I have a lot of keys, so hold on, I gotta get through these real quick. Okay, that's so fun. All right, here, this is the Valencia we have. From the number of keys you have to how fast you found the right key,

I am wildly impressed. You truly are a tracker, you're truly a tracker. Wait, hold on, be honest, are those all the same key? Do you just have like 100 copies of the same key? I am holding them for my family. I haven't seen you unlock any other doors. You don't lock doors in a museum. If you lock, then people can't get in and see them.

But you know, the Montague family has a lot of treasures we've got to keep secret. So family has a lot of treasures we gotta keep secret. So there are a couple keys. I've got a little cave with a lock on it somewhere. Not gonna tell you where, don't try. What sort of secret treasures? That's, I mean, the museum is great, don't get me wrong. Thank you.

Go get it girl. Secret treasures. But I'd love to know about some of those secret treasures. Anything like mystical or powerful or something you could destroy your enemies, stuff like that? Yeah about some of those secret treasures. Anything like mystical or powerful, or something you could destroy your enemies, stuff like that? Yeah, all of that, yep. Oh, I love secret.

We've got mystical, powerful, destroyed enemy, immediate sight for those who are blind. Whoa. There's one, there's a great one that could hop dimensions, open portals, that's a great one that could hop dimensions and open portals. That's a fun one. Artie, quick, give me the bag with the food passes in it. The yearly annual food passes.

Quick, quick, quick. Do these get us in, Valencia? Oh, I'm so sorry. That's a VIP. That's a special. Oh, sorry. Worth a shot. Anyway, did you want to get into this Valencia room?

Yeah, let's go over there. We'll talk about the secret stuff later. For certain. Anyway, did you want to get into this Valencia room? Yeah, let's go over there. Okay, good, good. We'll worry about the secret stuff later. For certain. So, okay, this is embarrassing, but this is where I do my sandwich art. I kind of call myself a sandwich artist. Wow. Yes.

The smell is delightful. Where do you source your bread, or do you make it yourself? I make it myself. Oh my goodness, thank you so much for asking. I bake it fresh daily. My family is absolutely embarrassed of me. This isn't- Valencia, you shouldn't have let us in here,

and I apologize for talking you into letting us in. This room isn't ready. It's very snarky. What do you know, Artie? I'm sorry, it's me. No, he's right. I'm the one that fucked up. I'm fucking up. No, he's right. I'm the one that fucked up. I'm fucking up.

No, he's right. I shouldn't have showed you this. This is just bread, cheese, meat. Oh my stomach. Oh, for a lot of these sandwiches, you missed the bread. There's meat next to the bread. It's deconstructed.

Is it though? I really think about it, Arnie. I think about what you expect of a sandwich and then maybe your expectations are upturned when you see meat next to two pieces of bread and you go, oh, I guess it's still a sandwich. Yeah, you're talking about it. That's what's most important.

Right, exactly. You're talking about it. Also, this is a museum. It's perfectly normal to have a place to eat in a museum. I don't know why your family is so pissed off about this. They're not proud of these sandwiches either. Arnie's right. Do any of the sandwiches have meat on them or is it always side by side? Some sandwiches have meat on them, but then the bread isn't true bread.

There's this one over here. I've used two squirrels. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Would you, here's some meat between two shoes. Yeah, that's fun. That's a walking around sandwich. Valencia, would you mind, I don't know if this is rude to ask, would you mind making me a sandwich?

Oh my god, this is, I'd be honored. What would you like on your sandwich? Oh, OK. Oh, this is exciting. Well, let's start with bread. Not squirrels, bread. Oh, real bread. OK, yep.

Bread. Here we go. All right, yes. And then, mustard. Mustard. Oh, fantastic. I actually have a mustard guy. This is going to be fun. OK, let's go. I just got to ask. I just got I have a moustard guy. This is gonna be fun.

Okay, there you go. I just gotta ask, I just gotta ask. Is that moustard, is that what moustard is? Arnie, grow up. Sorry, a little more. Okay. Sorry, just a little bit more. Yep, over here.

And just really, just until I say. Yep, and get a little more. There we go. To answer your question though, Arnie, yes it is. Fresh. And that's it. That's too much mustard. And then just cut it in half.

Cut it in half, right? Just meat and mustard and bread. Ooh, there's meat on it? I actually did not put meat on this. It's just mustard and bread. This is bread and turds, man. Is that all you wanted on this sandwich? I guess he is.

This room sucks. Arnie, he's a badger, just let him eat it. Okay, I guess so. I'm just- you start- I'm trying to discourage him from eating shit. Right? What's he gonna do? Cause sometimes he licks our faces. Arnie, I had her cut it in half.

No. Sandwich boys! The sandwich boys are back. What's behind this giant curtain over here? What's behind this giant curtain? Valencia. What the fuck? What's behind this giant curtain over here? What's behind this giant curtain? Valencia. What the fuck?

The Wanderlust. Uh oh. You stole the Wanderlust? Dang. Or lured it I guess. I kinda lured it here with sandwiches. I was trying to strike up a deal with the Wanderlust to sell my delicious deconstructed sandwiches.

Valencia, I'm sorry. I just have to say you're full of shit. That that is awful. I'm so sorry I fucked up again. I don't think you can make a deal directly with the tavern. Arnie actually owns and operates the tavern. You'd have to make a deal with him. Yeah. And we already have enough of a problem with feces in our food

We're trying to correct that so please listeners anybody that's thinking coming to the wanderlust We're putting an honest effort into having there be less feces in our food mistakes were made But we're getting past it after the sandwich after this one after that I'm sorry boys. I I wanted to find something for you I wanted I wanted to finally do something so I stole what you were looking for in the first place hid it inside the museum then kind of forgot that I did it honestly. That explains why the door was locked. Honestly, that explains why you walked us straight up to where it was. Yeah, yeah, but I got you to buy those passes.

Honestly, you're a great salesperson. You should open that sandwich shop. You know, looking back, when I flew up into the sky, I saw the museum, and I said, that one wing of the museum is shaped a lot like the Wanderlust, and it's very big. I was like, that's not it though. No, it couldn't be it. Well we can't say mad at you. Valencia, do you want to come in our tavern and have a drink? Oh, I would honestly love to.

That'd be wonderful. Thank you. Alright. I'd doff my cap to you. Okay, let's see. Oh, there's still a lot of people in here. There's still a lot of people in the tavern. Who wants a sandwich?

Ooh, I do. Valencia, now that you're in our tavern, do, everything's done. Who wants a sandwich? Ooh, I do. Valencia, now that you're in our tavern, do you want one of our T-shirts that says, less shit in the food? Oh, I would. I would actually love that. I would love to wear that right now.

I'll trade you for a Goo Get It shirt. Two Goo Get It's, two Goo Get It's. Two Goo Get It shirts. Oh, I couldn't say no to you guys if I tried. Here you go. We did it. Woo, two goos. Well, Valencia, before we have our tavern break its way out of your museum, do you mind if

we answer an email? Oh, I would absolutely love that. Yes, please. You can email us at magictavern at puppies.supplies, it's a real email address, or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern and message us there. Here's a recent message we got. Dear Mysterious Man, you are the best part of the show. I love you, man.

Regards, Brendan. PPS, Arnie is bad. Oh, I was gonna say, why are they calling Arnie a mysterious man, but then at the end, they called you out specifically. Not even a PS before the PPS? I feel like this has come up before some reference to a mysterious man. Yeah I don't know I mean we're all mysterious I guess.

No the Chunt is not a man. I'm not a man I'm a shapeshifter I maybe I think I oh my gosh Valencia I don't want to cause false hope could the mysterious man be I want to say I don't wanna cause false hope. Could the mysterious man be, I wanna say, Arthur? Adrian? Adrian, could it be Adrian Montagu? Oh, this is exactly what I was waiting for. News of my father.

I'm gonna shift those percentages to 73%. Time to print new shirts. I gotta print new new shirts oh my gosh Printing costs they are not cheap so we are gonna sell out these shirts on a discount All I have to say about this email is Brendan you're fucking up Don't do a PPS if you don't do a PS and that's this is the year to fuck up. Let's just yeah, right This is the fuck up here email. Oh Hold on hold on this is not the year to fuck up Oh, right, right this year. Yeah, sorry. Oh, that's right. This can die. Yeah, we're gay exactly

We're gonna try to be do better and stop fucking up But we have a lot of empathy for people who are fucking up So listeners if you're fucking up in one way or another Related to the podcast or just otherwise email us at magic tavern at puppies dot supplies and Let us know what you've been fucking up and you source or some sort of compromise Maybe we could or maybe Valencia could sell it Maybe we make cards that like a punch card where it's like you get ten fuck-ups And then after that you're done if you get ten fuck-ups you get a free sandwich and Valencia sandwiches

Worth it seems fair also I was gonna say, you know sure You get a free sandwich and Valencia's sandwich isn't- Oh. Uh, worth it. That seems fair. Also, I was gonna say, you know, sure, if you get 10 fuckups, you get a free sandwich. If you fuck up, maybe think about stopping. Think about stopping and doing something else. Maybe pivot, maybe stop fucking up. Arnie, he doesn't mean that. Don't stop the podcast.

Chunt, we're not gonna stop the podcast anytime soon. Don't you worry. Oh, I accidentally leaned on the stop button, though. Wait, we're not gonna stop the podcast anytime soon. Don't you worry. Oh, I accidentally leaned on the stop button though. Wait, we're not recording anymore? Uh, oh wait, it wasn't the stop button. What button is that? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've done a lot of encouraging people to steer clear of the central content of this program, but today we have witnessed one of the most riveting moments in audio recording history. Brendan, sweet, gentle Brendan, I knew you were out there and I've been doing this all for you. Don't you change a thing, you brave, beautiful, faceless audience member.

But now, who was making all that distracting background noise between the bookends? Well, Usurper the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae. Valencia Montague was played by AI trying to do a Liza accent? That's not right. Oh wait, played by special guest Carissa Bureka. Carissa is a director of the national touring company

at Second City, where the nation's hottest upcoming comedy talent are offered a chance to sleep in every econolodge in Missouri. Carissa is also artistic director of Matter Dance Company. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Nick Sladek, Sadak Sis, my favorite hybrid between Ted Lasso and one of the Vulture Fops from Dark Crystal, Donovan Pfeiffer, Angela Crawford, Ian Rasmussen,

The One Josh, sorry gondelman this seat already taken, Cody, Kate M, Patricia D, Ian Morrison, Samantha Sostarich, Ricky N, Sarah O, Jacob B, Legion and Dig, Sean QB, Jackam Noir, Brewster, a border collie, Brewster, you're still listening to this bad dog. Johnny Garrett and Lindsay Bartsch, or Bar-shay. You didn't Bar-say. Patrons get a lingering sense of buyer's remorse. Also, ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs,

and at least two new bonus episodes each month. You still have time to read Pippi Longstocking before the Book Club episode on Patreon later this week! To learn more about supporting the show, visit Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern! Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnini Camp, Matt Young, and Abel Raffae! Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Brendan, good night and good luck. I have missed these Friday night dinners. Welcome to Harvey Graf!

At these family dinners, dysfunction is served. I can't have you all messing things up for my entire adult life. Oh, I'm sorry, do we embarrass you? Jump, jump, jump! It's already better than I dared to dream. They're extra. Let the wild rumpus start! And they're embarrassing.

We know how hard it is to move on from the first girl that you ever slept with. Not the first girl who I ever slept with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You're a regular lady killer. I thought you said it was gonna be boring here tonight. Woo! No! I really hope you would be. But they couldn't love each other more.

Surprise! It's mom and dad being totally normal. So, dinner next Friday everyone? Wouldn't miss it for the world. Dinner with the Parents Season 1. Stream free only on Freevy.