Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 100 - Siege on Castle Belaroth

Episode Date: May 18, 2026

It's the season finale! Can Northeastia be saved from wizard invasion. Guests include Duncan Potatogrease, the evil Skinny Dogs, Spintax and more...CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHildy Shiblin: Olivia NielsenDuncan Potatogrease: Zac OyamaVonquestra: Moujan ZolfaghariTelimpia: Seth LindSpintax the Green: Charlie McCrackinCaball'on Valentin: John SabineKing Tomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Want to gift someone a Magic Tavern Patreon membership? You can right now at this link!Follow us on Bsky, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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because nothing says carefully wrought tension like merch. So if you've ever wanted a Magic Tavern shirt, but, you know, cheaper. Find the link in the show notes. And now find yourself on the edge of your seat as you lean forward and enjoy the show. Chunt, chunt. Before we go through this door and try to save people,

is it okay if I still do the intro to the podcast? I think so, maybe, but just a little quicker than normal? Sure, sure, sure. The cliff notes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get it because it's urgent. Like, the whole town is being attacked, and I don't want to take too long just introing the show.

But it helps me. If that makes sense, it's a little thing I need for me. It's centering. You've told me it's centering. Absolutely. Sorry, let me get out the candles out of your back back. Okay. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, just having a little bit of an atmosphere really helps. Like, get me into a mental place to do the show, and then by proxy, save the whole city. This is eucalyptus. I'll toss those out. Lavender. Oh, lavender, coconut. Toss those smell nice.

What? I just grabbed from the. the bargain bin. Okay, orange. Perfect. Okay. Hello from the magic tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Kemp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Eleven years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal, and I use that to upload a podcast. Who's talking behind that door? Oh, shit. Oh. Let us rock hogs in there.

Oh. We are just finishing introing a podcast. We will be out to fight you in just a second. Arnie, no. We should pretend to be other rock hogs. Oh, okay. Oh, too late now. What's your podcast about?

Well. A question no one's ever asked. The intro kindest succinctly sets it up, basically. But in this episode, the entire city is being attacked, as you know. We're trying to save as many people as possible before we're all destroyed. by Spintax forces. Oh, that sounds entertaining to me. I'm here to kill everyone and open that door so I can kill everyone.

Arnie, do not try and interview him. Oh, he seems interesting. I can see your hand recent. He seems interesting. Do not. I am joined by my co-host. I'm a rock hog and part-time DJ. He does such a good job just already offering up things about himself.

He would be a good interview. Fine. But I am joined by my co-host, who I will probably die with in the next few minutes, chunt the talking badger. Bing bong, yes, Bing Bong. Okay, Ernie, we got to go. We got to go. Okay, let's bang through this door.

There, you two ain't rock hogs. I'm going to eat your souls. The fuck? Is that what rock hogs do? I guess I don't really know what the whole rock hog thing is. Oh, you don't? Yeah. I'd love to talk about it for an hour or so if you've got.

got that time. Oh, really? Yeah, of course. Chant, sneak behind him while I talk to him and take him out, okay? Okay. So, how did you get into rock hogging? Well, I was born into rock hogging. I found music as my love.

Oh, yeah. Oh, frying hands at the back of the head. That was pretty good, Chant. See, all we have to do now is interview everything that's attacking the city and we'll be fine. Hell yeah. And Arnie, when this is done. Promise me, we get twos. We get what twos?

Tuos. Okay, no further questions. Oh, look, here come to Usador. He's falling out of the sky. Oh, I caught him. Hello, pretty lady. I mean, wizard? Thank you.

Thank you for catching me. Yeah, of course. I am joined by my other co-host, who will probably also die with us because he's no longer immortal, but has a better chance of surviving than us. Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius,

Master of Light and Shadow. Click Notes. Click Notes. Click Notes. And I am here. to kick some matress. Look, I think, is that Hildy Shibland, the oldest turtle and all food? Hildy,

you old thing. Oh, hi, good to see you guys. People are acting very strange today. I'm not really sure what's going on, but the vibes are off, if you ask me. Maybe a new shell phone just dropped. Everyone seems very stressed. Uh, Hilty, there's a war going on.

It's really dangerous out here right now. You should probably get to the bottom of the ocean and just stay there for a while. I'm actually taking a new meditation course taught by one of my lovers. Well, he started as my meditation coach, and then he said that I was transcending so well that we did become lovers. Not a surprise if you know about me. Do you understand what is happening right now?

Hildy, are you listening to us at all? He's kind of nodding and smiling, but I don't think she understands. Hildie, you got to leave, sweetie. Sweetie, got to go. Anyway, so stuff like this doesn't really get to me anymore, but, I can send you some of his tapes if you're interested. He's really good at what he does. This isn't even bothering me.

What is there an obligation? Like, do we have to just sort of try to save her even though she doesn't understand? Or maybe just, like, hope that that shell will keep her safe and come back later. Arnie, Chum, I think this is going to be a difficult conversation, but I think it's time that we sent Hildi to her shell. It's time. Sorry, can't hear you. I'm kind of on another plane right now.

Oh, tame impover. All right. Here's somebody we can save. Oh, hey, sir, I remember you. We've had you on the show before. Duncan, is that your name? Nope, I'm a rock hog, just being a rock hog over here. I just definitely...

I'm pretty sure you're Dunkin' Potato Grease, right? Wait, Arnie? Junt? Oh, my God. Thank you. I've been needed to be. bit saved. I've just been pretending to be one of those rock hogs because I didn't know what else

to do. Sure. Have you just been walking around saying I'm a rock hog? Rock hogging? Yeah, and holding that rock up in front of your face helps a lot too. Yeah, and oinking. And I mean, I'm in between oinks and do it every five minutes. That's smart. Because I think that's a rock thing? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I sort of

tape the rock upwards on your face. Like, that makes sense? Top of the tape is on your forehead. Oh, let me reangle it. If you don't want to tape there, Duncan, I could blast it onto your face with magic. That would be, this, this, we are in dark times. People are absolutely rocking me in the stomach. And I don't know what to do with that. And your thing was being rocked in the face with magic.

And so you probably don't like being rocked in the stomach by magic. My stomach, I have a weak constitution. I'm barfing everywhere. Uh-huh. Here, let me try to permanently attach this rock to your face. Good. Got us, don't know, stup. Wait.

Oh. Oh, that looks down for. That didn't seem like a good solution, Eusador. Did that help? I think it helped. My head's so much heavier, but I think this disguise might work. Okay. Okay, so we're starting to save one person, basically.

Oh, wait. Also, look, I think I recognize these other two. We know a lot of people in Northeastia. Aren't these the evil skinny dogs? It's been a few years. Hello. Hello. Is it Von Kistra?

He's Vonkistra, yes. This is my love, Vonkistra, yes. And Talympia? Oh, Tommy, yes, it is me. Oh, Vangistra, Talympia, it's good to see you again. This is our friend Duncan. He's not really a rock hog. You're not in any danger from him.

You got to keep those things away from me. I don't know what that is. Isn't this the most wonderful time ever? It's magnificent. Oh, of course. Arnie, you see, they are to be very excited that the city's being overrun by rock hogs and fog-dog. and boxhawks and Goggogs because they're evil dogs.

Yes, yes. Am I crazier? Did they get skinnier? Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. You also look at me. Oh, thank you. They're just vibrating.

They've got longer and skinnier. Oh, yeah. And look at this ab. Oh, it's so unsettling to look at you directly. I don't really like it. How are we doing? You're wondering. We're doing very well.

I was wondering. I know we're being attacked, but I always love just a little catching up. Oh, quick catch up. Tell him what we've been up to. Oh, my goodness. Other than just basking in the badness? Let's see. A little bit of staycations.

So many vacations. Yeah. A little bit of evacuations. Evacuation. Yes. From the sea? And they need a bit of constipation. We evacuated from a safe place to come here so we could be.

be in danger. Do not launch in the Cajun man. You've told us all about him. Everyone, duck. God Cogs! Duck! Oh, Duncan, right in the fucking face. Oh, yeah, that Godcog got him right in the face.

Some of the fog dogs might be our cousins, so be careful if you kill them, ask them. Before I kill them, I should see if they're your cousins, but I should go ahead and kill them. Yes. One of them is named Steve. If you see Steve, or you see very skinny fog dog. I'm going to have to write this down.

Steve? He's a cousin by marriage. Oh, here comes a cute little bird. It flew into Duncan's stomach. Are you okay, Duncan? Ow! So sharp. Ah!

Play fair! Hit me in the face. God damn. I don't think that's an evil bird. I think it was just flying by. Yeah, I can guarantee it was not evil. We would have vibed. So you have like evil vibe, like evil d'ar?

I don't know. Is that an appropriate question? Yes. When we know someone is evil, our hind legs go up and we get even taller in skin here and we sniff in the sky. You guys got to stop scratching my leg so much. This claws are nasty. Thank you so much. So are you hoping to like team up with these evil forces or just kind of like be in the chaos?

Well, we sort of need to have some after us if we will. feel the evil. If we become one with them, we will just be sort of in sync. Yes, we're not joiners. No. Oh, I do see a fog rolling in. Perhaps you should duck back through this corridor, back into the safety of the part of the castle. We will be completely covered, but we have to run. Run! You'll notice in this corridor we have written much evil,

Do not look at it unless you hold to think we are cool. He says, I'm like a bird. I only fly away. Oh, wow. That was, I was not, I was sort of, you know, emo moment. Sounds like a song lyric. See, that's really thought-provoking for evil. You know, usually evil's like, destroy, kill, crush, that sort of thing.

We think that if we can convince people good stuff is also evil, then everything is evil. Oh, yes. Wow. That really blew my mind in a big way. I'm not going to lie. Thank you for your honesty. They're getting just all in the way of my legs when I'm walking. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, please, just stay away from Duncan's legs. I've got a trip. But we're actually glad that you found us. Because even though it is magnificent out here, we don't want to be part of a team. Oh, you're sort of doing your own evil thing. Yes. You have machinations and plans on that sort of thing?

Yes, this goes against what we want, even though it's pretty cool. Yes. Last time we saw you, your preferred form of evil was capitalism, I believe? Yes. You're running a little business. How's that going? It's bad.

Yes. As bad as could be. Oh. Is that good for you then? I always get confused about this part. No, the business is... Because it's bad. Does that mean good to you? If you remember from the first time we met, in business we do, we freely focus on good.

Okay. And it's where we get... money is good based, but just vibe-wise where it's very complicated, but that was canon. Got it, got it. Even the deeply evil want their business to work, so this was, but it did confusion

is understood. Yes, confusion is evil. Their arms are going out. Oh, yes, they're viving. They're viving real hard right now. Does that mean that more evil forces are coming our way? I see the fog coming down the corridor behind us. Arnie, Trunt, take the dogs and take Duncan

and keep running. I'll hold them off. I'll catch up with you later. You have to carry me. You have to carry Duncan, Arnie. What? Arnie, carry Duncan. I can try. I can try.

I'll put my arms around your way. I try to pick you up. Carry the dogs and Duncan. Fucking glass. Every time I try to pick him up by his stomach, he just sort of pukes on my head a little bit. I can't help it. Run.

I'll protect you. Fly, you fools. I was one to say that. Oh, okay. Did the user say fly? You fools. That was rude. Yeah, he's really being a real jerk.

What the fuck? Okay. Okay. It just seems slightly insulting. Okay. You fly. Duncan. Nice.

Thank you. It's the last thing I'll ever say to one, probably. Duncan, have you ever thought about kind of sparing your body and head and getting more into, like, word battles? Word battles. Yeah, like cutting words? Using my words as sort of a weapon. and attacking with my verbiage. Yeah, huh.

I've never thought of it before. Give it a shot. Hey, fog! Fuck you. Oh, did that do anything? Whoa, the fog stopped in its tracks. It is one of the most evil things to say. Get it, take a hike.

Oh, even worse. Oh, even worse. John, I'm not sure if we should try to get these people to safety, or we should, like, deputize them to help us save other people. Oh, yeah. How do we deputize some, like, little badges or? Oh, I don't really have any, I guess, honestly, I don't think we have to trick them. That's my guess. Maybe, like, night them? Yes, we love the night.

We love the night, is dark. Yes, turn us into the night. Okay, let me get out my, I got a tiny little blade here. All right, everyone taking knee. Duncan's already on his stomach, okay? I'm laying down. Oh, those are some good night moves. Okay, I hereby initiate all of you into night. dumb. Let me just...

Okay, da-da-da-de-ge... Shoulder, shoulder, shoulder. Oh, Duncan, I'm so sorry. It's just little cuts on my shoulders. Come on, man. Yeah, sorry, got... The third one's always heavy. Sorry about that. Yeah, just leave the blade in there. Okay. Yeah. Wow, I'm a knight now. I kept them at pay as long as I could, Arne.

We need reinforcements. I'm afraid I won't be able to fight the ice giants on my nose. and if there are more rockhawks or rock hogs or whatever the hell they are i think we're doomed luckily we have just been knighted what look at the tiny sword in my shoulder yes yes yes you're prepared now to give up your lives and the protection of northeast year and all of food i didn't know that that's what that meant i'm going to have to ask for a different assignment maybe something behind a desk Okay. Yes, and also we don't, that seems like doing good. And we don't do good. We do evil.

Okay. So then, Duncan, I'm going to put you in the journalism core. What? And Van Kastra and Talympia, I suppose. Anything underneath a desk. Maybe like drone strikes or something? I don't know. Very good.

That is very cowardly and as a result, even here. All right, okay. You can't even really grasp the toll of the damage you're dealing, and your position, it's quite dark. It's dehumanizing, you say. Yeah, it's probably a problem. Usenor, can I ask you? Are we doing a bad job?

Like, we've spent most of this time just sort of chatting with three people. Like, well, the city is burning. Well, I've been trying to fight forces as they chase us down and saving people what I can and having people shelter indoors and hunker down as I see them.

I don't know what else I can do. I need the heavy hit. Oh, yes, the most noble thing you can do, encourage to hunker. Yeah, everybody, everybody hunker. Everybody try to hunker. Hmm, I'm going to write an article about the idea of hunkering. Oh. I mean, there were a number of widows I saw.

I mean, I presume they were widows, and I saved them along the way. You saw a bunch of women. You saw like a flock of widows. That's generalizing a lot of women. They were in black. They seemed, they were crying. Yes. So, yes, I made an assumption.

They could have just been goth. So they were already in black. So they were with us, this is before the attack, which happened, it just started. Yes. And it was right next to the graveyard. So I did make some assumptions. And that's on me. I admit when I do wrong, and I have made a grave error.

Because I told each of them, please hunker down in your home. And soon, love will find you again. Wow, that's beautiful. Wow. Can I quote you on that? It's a huge, I mean, and I don't know if that's true or not. You know, I was just trying to give them some hope. Yeah.

I like the first part of the quote better than the whole thing. Yeah, yeah. I'm honored that you are quoting our graffiti from earlier that was indie. I knew I saw that somewhere. Yes, that's right. Yes, it was an earworm, eyeworm. Okay, how about this? Let's take a quick break, run some ads,

and then when we come back, we can continue to try to say, the city. We're monetizing this? We have to, man. We don't have a choice. That's evil. We approve. If you're looking for a podcast adventure, check out Dum Dums and Dragons, a podcast where improvisers and comedians

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million times. Dum Dums and Dragons, the podcast. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Every now and then, someone would die. Risk, true stories, no holding back. They catch my mom poisoning my sister. People say risk makes them feel less alone and more alive. During my time in prison, I discovered a podcast called Risk. That podcast saved my life so many times. The show where people tell true stories They never thought they dare to share Wherever you get your podcasts Good luck, good luck fair ladies

I'm sure you'll find love again soon I just saved some more widows during that break That was a close one Is there like a colony? What happened here recently that there are so many widows right now? Quiet, everyone Do you hear that? It's the boxhawks I hear them coming down

Soon they'll peck through the very roof Arnie, I, I, I fear that there's not left I could do. No matter how many box cutters I summon, it shan't to be enough to stop the boxhawks. You sir, you're, you sir. Yes. Hey, you've done, you've done so much so far. Let me handle this. Yeah, let me get this.

Okay. Take a breather. He's doing it. He's doing it. Wow. Wow, it's hard to explain what he's doing, but it's hurting those boxhawks. Hmm. Indescribable.

That's crazy. Oh, no, someone could bend that way. And then back the other way. There are. Action. Oh, he's collecting them. Yeah. He's got all of them.

He's doing it. And some of the boxhawks have facial expressions like, this is all the boxhawks. There's not more of us somewhere else. But most assuredly, there are, which is why I fear I must pull this very dangerous feet, Arnie. I'm going to summon one of the wizards here. What? You know how to use the spell? Wizard come? Well, here's the thing about that spell, Arnie. Were we going to have a talk? Like a serious talk about Wizard?

Yeah, here, sit on my knee. Okay. This is a weird time, but... The thing about that spell is, it only works usually if the Wizard is willing. But I have recharged the Ruby of Galazil, and I believe I can use it to overcome the intent and desires of that. wizard and whichever wizard is closest here, we should draw them into danger with us. And perhaps then they shall see the error of their ways and help us escape. Okay, I like that. You're going to use the wizard overcome. That's right.

Why is everybody lined up to sit on Usador's knee? He's giving out wishes. Okay, at least let me do little sketches of each person. All right, look over here. Get my bad side. Of course, yes, of course. Okay, all right. Here's everybody's sketch.

All right. Oh, that's what the rock looks like. Just plastered on my head this whole time. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. With the Ruby of Galazil, I shall now cast. Wizard call...

What are you doing here? I was in my stronghold. Oh, I... Spintax. Usador! You big blue... Blubbering blubber bat! But you...

Oh, you big green... What? Mucasy, turd. He's already not even alliterated. Oh. Yombe-Hemite spin-ax. Hello, chand. Arnold.

Assorted guests? You're the last wizard I thought would be summoned here by this spell, for this is your doing, summoning all these creatures and beasts to attack us. You wizard come to me right here into the sight of my own destruction? Oh, I sure did. How dare you? What, did you charge the ruby of Galazil? Yes.

How did you know? Because all my chachis were moved around. Yes, I have brought you here against your will. But now you see the havoc and destruction you have wrought with your evil ways, Spintax. Why must you cause so much sadness and despondency? Look here at this poor man who's been rocked in the face with magic and a rock and hit in the gut with birds. The most pathetic, saddest, despicable creature you've ever seen.

Okay, all right. All right. Yeah, it looks like a loser. Looks like one of your friends. Big deal. I'll rock them in the face right now. Okay, guys. Oh, look, I don't know how I got brought into this, but I do think this is unfair on many fronts.

Look, you can see that a sort of, this looks like some kind of hawks bill. This looks like a pelican. A couple of different bill shapes right into my stomach, which is against the rules. There are no rules in wizard war. There are no rules? in Wizard War? Like none? One only. Win. Win. Wind?

Win. It's very vague. Win! That's not even a rule. Win. So you lose a wizard war, you break the rules? You see, Arnie, Trunt, it's very hard, everyone else, it's very hard to have rules in a wizard war because, like, when you can just, like, turn into a potato with a thought,

and then turn back into, like, a, you know, an armoire, and then turn into a hawk and fly into the sky, like, shit is crazy, and there's no way you can have rules. We have five rules for the skinny, evil dog wars. Okay, let's hear them. Lose? Lose.

One. Okay. Have fun. Two. Keep it light. Yeah. That's the best kind of war when you can keep it light, yeah. And then just kidding about the last one.

Oh. Interesting. There's four. Ha-ha. They're not even five. Well, as fun as that was to listen to, I'm going to kill the lot of you right now. Wait, Spintax, are you saying that us bringing here didn't just convince you to be good and to stop the evil stuff you're doing? I don't think I'm evil, you idiot.

Oh, shit. I'm fighting for right. Why do you always suck me into your stories? I didn't know that I forgot this whole wizard war was a magic tavern story. I thought I was living my life, my best life, conquering this dumb world. And who cares? It'll all be in memory, because even if I don't kill you here, you're all going to die. because another wave of attacks is on its way.

Oh, I hear those giant footsteps. Are the ice giants coming? Yes, and they're bringing in their arms. They're bringing more a whole phalanx of fog dogs and rock hawks and box hawks and cog gags, where these are cogs made of gags, of course. What is the gong? They're bringing bat cats and cat bats. Bad cats and cat bats?

That's right. Root dudes and... Maybe just rude dudes? That's it. They're solo. All the rude dudes, a whole squadron of rude dudes. And, of course, each rude dude has a rude dog. Watch out widows. The rude dudes are coming. I have a jacket that says press now, by the way.

I'm going to stand over here. I don't count. Just tell them I don't count. Rude dudes don't care about your prescrantials, dude. Come on. They're all part of the bad boys club. Aren't we in charge of the drones? I'm sorry. Did that dog ask a question? Yes. Uh, that is my wife, yes. Sorry, that you're married to her.

What did she say? Oh, he's evil. Wow. Wow. He doesn't even hear me. That is so evil. Yep, yep, yep. I don't understand it. Great. We're all going to die here. I wish if I could call them off, I would, but I can't.

I told everyone to press the attack, no matter what, to never stop, even if they saw me on the battlefield, to continue to fight. Spindex, did I just hear you say that you are also in danger from all of these things? Like, they would kill you too? They'd do their dang best. And you're not immortal anymore. No, because of this, moron. Oh, shit. The Ice Giants are destroying this building.

Everyone, follow me. This way. Come on. Duncan's running with his desk. I gotta bring it. It's an heirloom for someone. Not me. It just looks nice.

It's the nicest desk. A lot of nice detail work there. Someone get the other side. Yeah, yeah, I got you, I got you. One, two, three. All right, we gotta go around this corner. We don't have time for this. I'll animate the desk and you can ride it.

Tell us our ripsole. Wow! Whoa! Yeah! Sorry, it's wild. It's bumpy. Spintax, are you trying to escape with us? Well, yeah, as long as I don't have to be faster than the rest of you, I just

have to be faster than, uh, oh, one of you. He also knows I'll protect him with my powers, even though he would not do the same for me. Correct. He also knows I'm really slow. Also correct. I was this close to finishing the arts and leisure section about the little wall quotes. You did not even interview us? No, I just kind of, I figured it out.

I think I knew what you guys were going to say. What were we going to say? Yes, what are our favorite quotes? It's the most evil thing to do is write little quotes. That is what we would have said in unis Exactly word by word It looks like you had time to make some daily comics here What's family circumference? What's that about?

So it's just really boring circumference family I don't really understand Why is it even a circumference is what I think When I look at it It's like maybe my grandparents really liked it Or something like that I don't even know how long it's been a thing, but it's been there for a long time.

Calvin and the hobbits. Yeah, so it's just these little hobbits playing outside. Their imagination's nuts, you know. Quickly, quickly up this path. Well, hold on. Did everybody get to say a comic? Yeah, I'm really trying to think of the one. The woman who goes act? Oh, yes. Yeah, Cathesius.

Cateceasius. I like her. Yes. And who's this giant Hagrid the horrible? Also, these are, this is the Sunday paper, right? So we got a bunch of them in there. Full color, neat. Yeah, you've been busy. The Phantom, sort of purple guy.

Yeah. It's sort of like a Batman kind of guy, but it's purple. Yeah. Yeah, this is pretty much it. Quickly, everyone through this doorway. We're back almost to the central tower. On it. Look.

almost all of Widowville has been decimated. Wait, all the widows live in this part of town? Yeah, in Widowville. That's how I knew they were widows. We were in Widowville. You told them all to go home right before Widowville was destroyed? Well, I did what I could. They can't catch a break. That's true. I'll use the rubble to form a sort of shelter around us.

Colesart! Tehranah! That bought us a little bit of time, but I fear death is eminent for all of us. us. Say your last wishes to the goddesses and speak your final words. I fear soon we shall meet our makers. I love you, Arnie, I love you, Chunt. I love you. I love you, Duncan Potato Grease. I love you too. And yes, Telemia, Fonkeestra. Yes. Though you will hate it. I love you because I know somewhere deep inside there's good in you. Gross.

Oh, you're icky. Icky-mucky-jucky. And Spintax? Yes? I hope you know that I've always respected you. I have felt deep jealousies at times towards your prowess and your fame and your recognition. Obvious?

I never achieve such heights, but I hope that you know I look upon you as one of my greatest peers. Accepted. My turn. I've known all of you for some. time, some of you longer, some of you shorter. Great, so far. I think that was it. That's the end.

Oh, okay. Fireworks inside the structure. Nice, excellent. Always a strong ending, but I'm afraid I've alerted the forces, my own, mine own forces to where we are. Is it still time to say final words? Yes, we are final word we like to share. Yes.

Fonkistra, I would like to say this to you before. so evilly dead. Say it. The worst words ever written. Give me your heart. Make it real. Or else forget about it. And I equally to you will have evil words.

Words we wrote to cause a horror in society on the wall. Say that to me. I blew Abu D-A-Budai. Aboudi-A-Bu-di. Who did you both? I think you so much. Wow. If I had to give my final words right now, and I don't know if you can hear me, my head got kind of sucked into the wall when the rubble became a fort. Yeah, you look bad. Oh.

Yeah, I'm just sort of a body hanging from the ceiling, but I'm just sort of dangling. I would just wish I was home and kind of just sucking back a cold one, just hanging with my boys. and here we are. We're all dealing with this situation, and I think I'm stronger for it, and I've written more in the last 20 minutes than I have in the last 10 years, and so I've got to be grateful for that.

Wow. Guys, look, Duncan's writing his own obituary. You put yourself taller than you actually are. Here lies Duncan potato grease, 6'5. He thinks obituaries are great. This guy's perfect, guys. A father to a newspaper, a brother, to a group of people he met recently. Oh.

Us? Yeah, yeah, us. Kind of a dialogue in this obituary, I guess. And I hope everyone reads this paper, democracy dies in the darkness or whatever. Dunking potato grease out. I don't love that the paper says democracy dies in darkness or whatever. Yes. I did not know that was the whole slogan.

I wish I could do something. Something to help these people, these poor people here. And there are more refugees here congregating around us. Arnie. Spintax. Yes. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Convinced them to surrender to me?

No. No, of course not. If they all agree to become unpaid, interns for Duncan Potato Grace's newspaper, then they all get a press pass, and I can transport them out of here because they are safe from the conflict. Who, Duncan? I'm Duncan.

Who Duncan? I have the guy with his head in the wall? The guy with the head in his wall, yeah. All right. I'm on, I'm on board. I'm on board. Listen, everyone. Evil dogs, widows, children.

If you all agree to be unpaid interns for the newspaper, her? Children? Yes. There's a bunch of kids here. Yeah. No, you save the children. You save the widows in the dog.

No, no, no. Yes, unpaid internships, the most evil type of job. I mean, it's good experience. It has to be good experience. Do we at least get a credit? For school, not at all. Oh, evil. Wonderful.

Children, just dance into this little sack. Just keep on dancing. You'll shrink as you get into the mouth. It'll be fun. You'll be safe inside. Don't do that. Don't do that, children. Please don't do that.

Don't listen to him. He's the bad guy. Oh, come on. Very well. If you all agree, then say, I hereby swear to uphold the ethics of journalism for all mine days without being compensated. Is there a shorter version? Just say, okay to what I just said. Okay. Great.

Very well, then, with the power of the press. Here, Duncan, goodbye. I'm going to whisk you as far away as I can and continue your great work. on this paper. Oh, thank you, Luzerar. And, uh, you know, the,

it's somewhere particularly temperate weather-wise. Yes. We'll send you, uh, next to the big apple. Araf, Turo,

Tara, Tara, Tara, Tara. Love you all. Not. What? Oh, I said not at the end. That was beautiful.

Wow. What a weird way for us to save a couple people. I hold it. Ah, we did it. Arnie. I, we did that.

I'm afraid I, I've, We save like a dozen people at best, but yes. I've used a lot of magic. I need a rest. Can we take a quick ad break so that I may be recharged by the power of renumeration? Yes, and you sort. If the listeners at home actually listen to the whole ad,

will it actually help you recharge a little more quickly? If you listen to the whole ad and use the promo code, then my powers will be recharged. Okay, so we save some people, but there's still a lot of this city that needs. to be saved. It's true, and I am out of ideas,

Arnie, I desperately want to help everyone. Spintax, one last plea, that we combine our powers and save the people of Northeastia and bring it usher in a new golden era of peace. Or, what if you

reverse wizard come to me, back to my stronghold, and then I would totally tell everyone to stop. Hmm. I don't buy that. Can you put the comeback in the bag? Come back in the bag? Yes, it's like when you're making icing a cake

and you just put too much icing out of the bag. You just put it back in the bag. Wait, what's that noise? There's something else coming into the city. What's that? Is it more ice giants? The very sound of it is shaking the earth. Oh boy.

Could be God, Cogs. Rood dudes. Everyone, brace yourself. It is not Goggogs or boxhawks or hog rocks or fog rocks or fog dogs. Or is it bat cats or cat bats? It is not cat bats. It is not backcom or comebacks. Is it hot eats or cool treats?

Don't call it combat. It is. I could be a hot eat and our cool treat. But it is I, Cabaron Valadeen. Caballon. Caballon. Caballon, this episode has been so jam-packed with accents I didn't record. I recognize you at first.

Arnie, I heard your call. I brought my friends. The trees. The trees are coming into the city. I heard your call on the winds of the branches. Oh, is that how that works? Yeah, Jess. Yeah, I kind of touched a couple trees and I was like,

tell Cabellon I need him, but I felt kind of stupid when I did it. Oh, right? But no, it works. It just takes a long time. Arne, Eugene, is that... You saved us all, maybe, possibly. Well, I think I saved me. Like, this is great for me.

Like, I'm invincible when, with all these trees in the city. Cabrón, have you ever met Spintax, the Evil Wizard? What's up, Cabrown? Oh, the Spintax, I've heard of you. Oh, really? Yes, yes, yes. I'm sure they were wonderfully entertaining.

I heard you're a fantastically powerful wizard. The most. Oh, that's the, the ultimate? The ultimate. Look, here's a picture of, uh, your mate from a different universe. Whoa. Wow.

That's the life you could have led. Oh, I'm happy with the suns and the moons of this life. Oh, sure. All right. What happened to those widows? Widowville got decimated, got smashed pretty bad. Oh, not Widowville. Yeah.

Yeah, we saved about 12 people, but not the Widowville. And I got a bunch of kids in this sack. Give me that sack. Go! Give it to me. Get it to me. Get it to me. Get it to me. Get to me. Get to me. So, Cabellone, if I'm invincible in this city, it looks like there's so many trees in Northeaster now that all of Northeasteria is a forest. Is that fair to say? Jess, you are, you have set passage when you are in the forest of trees. Now, what is a forest is the question that we have for you.

Oh, shit. That's the question I keep trying to figure out. I think there's enough, like, there's so many trees in the city now. It's like the end of Macbeth. It's crazy. Oh, yeah. No spoilers. I'm catching up. I'm just on 12th night. I haven't gotten to Macbeth yet. The prince is a woman.

Oh, come on now. But a forest is one or more, no, two trees or more. One tree, no forest. Okay. Two trees, tiny forest. Three trees. Oh, it's getting better. Is there a way I can position my body between all the people?

People of Northeistia and all of the monsters attacking Northeastia? Like, would that do something? Well, you have to find a forest that is in your life. Are you a single tree or are you a part of a greater forest? Whoa. I can't tell if he's helping or just, like, speaking, like, metaphorically. Who are the trees that make up your forest, the Arneys? What is that make up my forest?

Is it the chunts? I mean, chunt, you're part of my forest for a living. 11 years. And Yusador, you're a big part of my forest for 11 years. 11 years? Humans? It's been a long time. Yes, 11 human years. And an 11 looks like two trees. It does.

It is a tree's favorite number. Has everything been leading to this the whole time? 11 years of parisocial relationships. Wait, that's it. I've always wanted to say that like in a movie. Wait, that's it. But maybe that is it. There might be a parasocial solution here.

Guys, guys, we have to get back to the King's Chambers before it's too late. We have to get to King Tom Blaine. Chunt, Eustador, follow me. Cabellone, if you can make it, I know you're a tree. You're very slow. I'll do my best. If you can't follow us, just like poke your head in a window or something. Quickly, everyone, come on.

Run, Forrest, run. We have to get to the King's Chambers. Okay. Wow. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, this is a lot of running. I'm floating quickly. Oh shit, Spintex is right behind us.

I don't I float more? It looks so cool the floating. It looks so cool. It looks cool if you lean into it, but if you just stand straight up, it looks weird. Like, arms folded, it looks insane. While Spintax is zipping around, I've been thinking about Tomlain,

and I think maybe he's a little off kilter. What do you guys think about that? Yeah, he's a little troubled. I mean, he's a good friend. Love him to death. Good friend, yes. Bless his heart. Oh, here are the doors.

Should we kick them open? Like, how do we most dramatically go through the doors into this chamber? Yeah, I'm going to use my powers to, like, kick the, essentially, like, magically kick the door in. That will be cool. Oh, yeah, use, like, Magefoot. Yeah. Move out of the way. I want to go first.

No. No. This is not about you, Spidex. Then why do you pull me here? We just need a minute. Fine. I'll stand over here. A little closer to the window.

How about this? Is this close enough? To the window, Usador! Chun, Usador, you shoved him at the same time. Were you guys thinking the same thing at the same time? That's right. That's right. We can line that up in post.

Yeah. Oh, wait, I'll say that's right now. That's right. And then we'll put that in. Yeah, perfect. We remember to do it. Into the chamber. Tom, hey, buddy, the battle's going kind of bad out there, but hear me out.

All is lost. Well, I kind of have a plan, although you know how I said I know. never wanted to be king. I kind of changed my mind. I sort of need to be the king now. Oh, you just can't wait to be king. Everybody look left. Everybody look right. And everywhere you look, you're standing in the spotlight.

This is what you've always wanted, isn't it? Look, I know I seem like a huge hypocrite. I didn't want it, but here's the thing. Look at this golden branch. It gives me safe passage through every forest. Look out the window. Northeastia is now a forest. Well done.

Then you've got safe passage through Northeast here. But what's about the people? Tom Blaine, you said it yourself. The king is the people. The people are the king. Yes, that's me. Is it fair to say if I were king? And look, we know I went out of the Batcave earlier.

So I have a claim to be the king. If I were the king, would that probably protect everyone in Northeastia? A king is his people. You are the people. You have a protection. protection. It just might work. It occurs to me, maybe you were speaking metaphorically, and I really put way too much weight on that. No, King is his people, literally. No, that's true.

Oh, that's good. Oh, it's in the laws. I thought it was going to be like the end of, like, a horror movie where they're like, we've got to jump through the mirror. And you're thinking, what the fuck? Like, why, what makes you think that's going to do anything? Oh, should we jump through the mirror? I didn't think of that. We could escape. We could jump through the mirror. Let's do that. Me first. Oh, buddy. You've been hitting the head too many times during this battle.

Tom Lane, it is the time for you to stand down and make way for King Arnold. I command you, but you shall not be left behind. You have two choices. Either jump through this mirror or accept the position in the King's Army of Lieutenant Commander. Oh, that's not a very good rank. No. You know what? I'm going to jump through the mirror. You just saw the chin.

Guys, guys, I, I went through the mirror. I was, I was in a wardrobe for one day. It was, it was kind of normal. He always has the same kinky dream that he's in a wardrobe. I don't know. Trying on garments. I'm happy for all of you. I just heard Arnie say the two words that we've all been waiting 11 years to hear him say to chunt.

fuck buddy. Yeah, fuck buddy. Yeah, Arnie, we're we're fuck buddies. Okay, next season, if you need me to introduce you as my fuck buddy, we could figure something out in the off-season. Finally, the will they, won't they? The will-they-won't-they has been fulfilled.

Tom Lane, what is your decision? I am going through the mirror, but first, I shall give my crown to Arnie. Yes, some great adventures do await you as king, and surely great-eat-either. adventures await me on this side of the mirror. Perhaps I shall find a new life there. Perhaps I will be an actor.

Perhaps I will be a dog. You don't know. A magic mirror like this could be a world of dogs, and I could just be a dog. I guess so. Farewell, my friends. Farewell. Defeat the wizards.

I'm going through the mirror. How come I worked for him? That is really. Really weird. Look in the mirror. There's a dog running away. Wait, he's acting like he's running away. He's both.

Guys, he's both. He did it all. Did he act like he went into the mirror? Like, no, I think he went through the mirror, but I think once he got on the other side, Arnie, he turned into, who's that guy you always say could be both a dog and an actor, Elijah Wood?

Sure. I always say that. We shall find out what has happened to Tom Blaine later. Ahny, take your rightful seat so that I may bow and genuflect. Is there anything official I need to do? I want to make sure I'm saving everybody to be the king. Take thine seat. Take thine position. Oh, looks like there's a little control panel here. Oh, most of these are dessert-related buttons.

Oh, I forgot one thing. 34 Cs. Hang on, let me get my quill. 34 cups of coffee, maybe? Put this right. My name is King. right on your chest right there. I don't feel any different. Maybe it's just imposter syndrome. Look out the window.

Is the battle still going on? Hawny, you've done it. The tide is turned. The fog dogs are clearing. I can start to see the ground again. Let me grab this big, this must be like a big announcement horn, maybe. Let me...

Attention. Attention, citizens. The king is dead. No, sorry. The king is a dog. Sorry. The king is acting like a... Dog. Ding Dog, the king is dead?

Ding Dog. The king's dog. Hold on. The rock hogs are turning to pebbles. The boxhawks are finally opened. The Goghogs are doing whatever they deal. And they're doing it loudly. The fat cats are turning around. The rat hats are dissolving into liquid. The Samantha Bees are still doing the best and I love their work. Someone's coming through the door. Who is it? Prepare yourselves.

Everyone hunker down. Oops. I'm back from out the window. Oh, damn you. I thought that window might have been your final undoing. Well, now we're here in the, wherever this place is, and I have an idea where I become the king of Northeastia, which was my original idea. Spentax, you're a little late. You're a little late with my death spell. Fuck.

Oh, dearly. Oh, shield. Wait, you so, you don't need to. I'm in the forest. I'm in the forest that is Northeastia now. I'm invulnerable. That's right. How can you...

What? Spin tax, do your worst. Try to kill Arnie. Yeah, try it. All right. Head spike. Nope. Just bounced right off.

Oh, dang. Sound was kind of funny, though. Cameroon, can you poke your head in here? Do you see this? I found a window to lean into. Hello? Hello. Good. You're here just in time for me.

Third tries the charm to kill Arnie. Speaking of charms, Here's this. I'm going to put together a little necklace. Here's a charm. Swallow this, human. Don't you swallow it. No, I don't want to.

Oh, well, then fine. That's not going to work either. And it's not just Arnie Spintax. Now that Arnie is king, everyone in Northeaste is protected from your evil. Oh, so this reign of swords won't kill Chant? Nope. Nope. Oh, all right.

What are you going to do now? Smart guy. Killing Yusador in the past won't work. Wait, wait, what? What are you doing? Hold on, hold on. Hold on. I'm trying to go back into the past to kill you, Yusador, but it didn't work.

Oh, whoo. That was close, because that might have been a good loophole. Honestly. Yeah. Oh, wait. I know why it didn't work for Spintax. Look, over there in the corner, with his arms folded sort of leaning on a desk. It's Cannes.

Thanks, Kahn. I'm not going to say, Much? Good. Sure, sure. Perfect. Thanks, can. So, SpinTax is kind of a lot to explain, but I'm King of Northeastia now, and everyone in

Northeastia is unkillable? Even the fog dogs? I guess even the baddies that you sent, although they're not citizens of Northeastia. Not yet. Shouldn't there be a path to citizenship for the fog dogs and the rock hogs and the boxhawks? There is, and if they want to live here peacefully with everyone else, they're welcome to join. You also aren't a citizen, so, Spintax, we could kill your ass right now. Don't.

Should I kill you? Do you want me to try to kill you? How about a reign of swords on you? Errol, Khantan. Oh, a thousand tiny swords. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Yeah, it's annoying, and it hurt a little bit, but it didn't kill you. But you know now that I could.

I don't like this anymore. The power dynamics have changed in the Funiverse. I'm out of here. dissolve into a puddle just walked out the door but in your memories I dissolved into a puddle oh shit and now I remember it that way

whoa remember me when he dissolved into a puddle that was crazy that was insane that was wild guys I hear the bells the bells outside the city for some reason somehow people know that the day is saved and they're ringing the bells

whoa yeah orney the bells against all the odds We saved the whole city, except for the people that died before we saved them. Well, we did the best we could, and we've saved the vast majority of the city. But now, Ani, what are you going to do as king? I guess I gotta stay here. I mean, I guess everyone has a special ability, and the best you can hope is that you can use that to help people.

And my special ability is making everything about myself. Let me take a knee here. Arnie, King, King Arnie, my liege. The king is gone. Long live the king. Buddy, love you. Chunt, my friend, you kneel to no man. Well, we both know that's not true. Your Majesty.

Oh, hail King Arnie. Arnie meeting. Congratulations, King Arnie. Oh, thank you, Cavalry. alone. I'm just excited there's a lot of possibilities for next season. Oh, right, yeah. Let's list a couple. Uh,

uh, the king is involved in court intrigue. Okay. Hmm. I broke your drifts? We've got a couple months to figure out ideas, I think. I've been handed this message to pass along from legal. The phrase

we've got a couple of months to figure out ideas does not represent a finding contract that we will figure out any actual ideas. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adder Lofi. Duncan Potato Grace was played by Zach Oyama. Check out Zach's podcast, Rotating Heroes on Headgum. And watch him on Dimension 20.

That's too many dimensions. On Dropout. Von Kistra of the Dark, the evil skinny dog, was played by Mujan Sul Figari. Check out Mujan on Last Week Tonight. Gremlin's Secrets of the Maguire. At Home with Amy Sedaris, Sesame Street, Apple TV, Comedy Central, and more. Tolympia of the Dark, the evil skinny dog, was played by Seth Lind.

Seth is a co-creator of the Improvised Sci-Fi Comedy Podcast Mission to Zix, currently releasing its Tribeca Festival-winning prequel series, The Young Old Durf Chronicles. It's just nice to know there's a quality, improvised sci-fi comedy podcast out there somewhere. Spintax the Green was played by Charlie McCracken. Caballon Valentin The Tree was played by John Sabine. You can see John perform live with the late 90s,

Sunday nights at Logan Square Improv in Chicago, and as part of the improvised Shakespeare Company. King Tom Blaine Belaroth was played by Steve Walteen. Steve is a writer for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. And special thanks to Olivia Nielsen for providing a few lines as Hildy Shiblin, the ancient turtle. Before I get to the rest of the credits,

this was the season finale, so stop clapping, let me finish. We're taking a break. We'll be off for your Earth's season called summer, prepping for a new season and letting our editors emotionally recover. But there will be something new on the feed every week until we're back. We'll be unlocking a variety of bonus episodes from behind the Patreon paywall for the first time, including all of Season 2 of Offices and Bosses.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, Ask Me Anything, Part 2, where I answer questions submitted by patrons. And while I throw a lot of shade at this podcast,

I can tell you, this one episode is awesome. Why isn't it quite as good as mayonnaise? M-Emmy Singer. Oh, what's your favorite movie with a dog as the main character? That would be a tie between Up and The Thing. Shuttle, writes, do you have, have you ever had any pets? And along with this, Parker Scarborough, writes, have you ever considered getting a pet for the bunker?

What would you name it? What animal creature? This is a timely question because there's actually an exciting new breed of feral parakeet, known as a murder keat, and I'm almost ready for the emotional commitment. I will call her vengeance. I'll keep you updated. Bennett writes, what is your favorite beeping, and booping noise.

Favorite beeps and boobs, of course. I mean, can turn my day around. It's delightful, you must agree. Whereas... Is the worst. Why even have that? What is it doing here? Ugh, I mean, I need something to shake off this funk.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. Oh, dear, quality entertainment. It warms the soul, doesn't it? To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show. visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Speaking of the Patreon, starting in June, starting in June, will begin a new season of offices and bosses on the Patreon, season five. Also, there'll be a Patreon meet and greet on the Magic Tavern Discord Tuesday, May 26th.

If you join the Patreon, you can swing by and ask the host's awkward questions about the show. If you're thinking, shouldn't that be ask the awkward hosts questions about the show? Yes. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adder Rofi. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. He's still got it, folks.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.