Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 11 - Reba McEntiger (w/ Stevie Shale)

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

A giant tiger with a country music singing career stops by.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiReba McEntiger: Stevie ShaleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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But then again, if you're hoping to drift off while trying to make sense of plot details that were incompatible to begin with, you've come to the right circle of hell. So find the nearest copy of Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth, throw it out the window into any nearby woodchipper, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp, the greatest warrior in all of Foon. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wanderlost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host Chunt the Talking Badger. A deep bow. Good day sir. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. A deep bow. Oh. Good day sir, get wet. Wow, so fancy Chunt.

Yes, yes, yes. Arnie, how many days did you say you've been here? How many years and days? I have been here nine years and some amount of days. I mean, you know, I've started to try to not focus so much on the days. I just try to live year by year. You know, you know, I've started to try to not focus so much on the days. I just try to live year by year. You know, that's that old saying, just take it one year at a time. I have to imagine a lot of stuff you plan on doing doesn't get done that way. Oh, that is true. But at all, that was always the case with me.

Well, Arnie, my good sir, it turns out that nine years and some amount of days is your special anniversary. here in food exactly exactly My good man Which calls for a very special dance that's only done in food when someone has been here for nine years in some amount of days Do you want to dance on the podcast Arnie? No, I mean Arnie? No, I mean, I, Arnie say no more.

I think your breathless was enough for me to know it can wait. Okay. Ooh. He doesn't want to dance with somebody? I guess not. He doesn't want to feel the heat with somebody? Arnie, there's so much body heat generated

when you are dancing with someone, really up on them. With somebody who loves you? Or with two guys who love you, you don't wanna dance? I mean, it's sounding more and more appealing. Okay. Did I hear someone talk about dancing? Oh, I think our guest is here. I was talking about dancing.

Who is that? Enchanté, my name is Chunt, shapeshifter slash badger. Well, hello there. My name is Reba McIntiger. Reba McIntiger, I feel like I've heard of you. I think you have, you know, there's a lot of cool cats around here that sing a lot of songs,

but mine are always the loudest. Oh. Well, we could stand to hire an entertainer here at the Wanderlost, this perambulating tavern that we find ourselves situated in this season. Was that a good recap, Arnie? You told me you'd do more recaps. That was great. Perfect.

Thank you. Speaking of perfect, yeah, no, I've been looking for gig work. I like taverns, you know, I like singing songs anywhere really. And you're a big like uh cat woman. Yeah I'm real I'm very big and I'm a cat and I'm a woman. Oh yeah. Three out of three. Usually I don't get them all. Good job Arnie. You got them all right. I think you really summed Reba up in a way that well some might some might say was reductive, but very accurate at the same time. Now Reba, you are an ambulatory tiger, but you're tiger-ish. Do you want to describe... Sorry, you're on a podcast right now, which is sort of like an audio medium, if that makes sense.

Do you want to describe what you're wearing? Who are you wearing today? Oh, I'll tell you what. I'm wearing a lot of fur. It's all mine. It's my winter fur coat. It's all real fur. Like, it's not false. I know there's a lot of tigers around here

that get plugs and things like that. But no, this is all my real fur. I just, I have a lot of salmon, you know, it keeps it nice and smooth. But so yeah, this is just all me, all Reba McIntiger, you know? Arnie, have we told you about plugs here in Foon? No.

There are some animals that think that wearing fur is gauche, even though they grew it themselves. They'll take it all out. Wow. And then put in fake fur. They'll plug in fake fur into their follicles Arnie I don't know if you've met him. He's kind of royalty Pumblechook the Lord of the Geckos This motherfucker is probably ten ounces. Oh that motherfucker

He wears like eight pounds of fur this motherfucker ten ounce motherfucker ten ounce motherfucker There's like eight pounds of fur, this motherfucker. 10 ounce motherfucker. 10 ounce motherfucker. Pumblechook. I'm writing this down, Pumblechook, the Lord of the Geckos? Lord of the Gecko. Yeah, oh, Arriba, do you know Pumblechook? I ran into him on the way here, yeah, actually, yeah.

So he's nearby, there's royalty nearby. Oh boy. Yeah, I thought he was my cousin, cause my cousin is also a cat, but he's kinda got a lizard looking face. And so when I looked over and I was like, that's not a cat, but he looks like one without fur. Um, but yeah, he introduced himself. He seemed like a stand-up citizen. That's a good point. I never realized or thought about the fact that lizards basically look like cats without fur.

Yeah. Hmm. So now, Reba, I just want to be clear. I'm excited about royalty. No one cared about that revelation? It's, I think it's still hitting us, you know? Yeah. It's gonna take a minute for that to sink in, I think for me.

Let it wash over you and we'll get back to it. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. I just don't want anyone to think that I'm like a royalty fucker. Like, it's not that. it's more that, look. You slept with him. He did have kind of a stagger about him. Oh, okay. You know?

He seemed like he got around the force a little bit. Okay. Is that what you? I mean, that's also useful information. I'm also gonna write that down. We're trying to build alliances. I kind of fucked up our alliance with Tom Blaine Belleroth, King of the Northeast But we're trying so we're gonna try to find other royalty to work with we already have an alliance with King Gunther

Mossback Oh Arnie, um, I wouldn't keep using the word alliance Alliance not around a tiger. Oh, is there another word a synonym? Yeah, I was just gonna say Well, you're talking to a tiger. Oh, sorry You know, no, that's I just mean there You know the Lord the king of the jungle the king of the jungle, but I'll tell you what They have to roll around in prods and more than one to be even thought of but guess what? I've been rolling around by myself and I'm doing just fine. No, no, no, I'm sorry I didn't mean to say to name another kind of a big cat I mean, you're clearly the most important you're killing the wild cat around here. Thank you. I appreciate that now

I'll let it slide. I'm gracious to that's a thing, too Yes, Arnie was just saying he does not see no a royal fucker someone who goes around trying to bed those Born in our higher status. Unless we think it would help us with our alliances. Like, if I fucked a couple royalty, do you think that would help? Well, Arnie, I hate to think of you as a cheater like that. Ooh, uh, Ysadora. What?

Is there another way? I'm telling you what. What? I've run 60 miles an hour myself once That everybody talks about cheetahs and how fast they are, but guess what can they run over terrain? It's got to be flat land for them to go that fast. So you're going 60 on a on a slant On an on an incline that's impressive at least like a point to ooh That's a lot. Sorry. That's a lot. That's impressive. At least like a.2. Oh, that's a lot.

Sorry, that's a lot. That's a lot. Chunt, chunt, you just said. I heard it. I hate to be juvenile, but if you run that fast, does it affect your bowels? I would just hate to think of you being a poo ma. I'm, I swear.

Arnie, no, for so many reasons. I'm not happy about anything I said. They put that, that, I didn't want to say its name, they put the poomer on all of those shoes. Poomer? Yeah, the poomer. They put the poomer on all of those clothes that everybody's been wearing in them shoes. But guess who's, who's running it, you know?

What looks better than a striped kind of cap than just a plain old one note, whatever color a Puma is. Oni, have you seen all the Puma fashion here in Foo lately? No, I don't know that I have. I'm not open to trends. All over everything. I prefer the style of Adidas where people, you know, they post the deed to their home right on their clothes. Sure.

Oh, such a brag. Yeah. This is what Adidas is. And then it's like, oh great. And I would do that, Arnie, but all day I dream about sex. All day? Eh, most of the day.

I tell you, who else looked like they dream about sex as a gecko. A gecko cat. Oh yeah, you said he was staggering? Yeah, yeah, just like kind of a waltz about him, you know? Just a kinda just been fucked waltz? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, you know, like he looked a little sore like he took it. Okay. Da da da. Ow.

Oh, the old took it waltz, the old 69da-da. Ow. Uh. Ow. Oh, the old, the old, took it waltz, the old 69 two-step. The old bow-legged, get down. Bow, bow-legged, just a little sleepy looking but satisfied, you know. So Reba, I'm so sorry, I keep talking about royalty. They're just like us. But, you know, I think we should learn more about you. You seem somewhat famous in food.

Is that fair to say? Thank you so much. You know, I try to be humble about it. Like I have humble roots, you know, but I do have a song that kind of went around. I don't know if you heard it, but I'll sing a little bit. Okay, I'd love to hear it. We'd love to hear it.

Just a little song, okay? A single minx who works two jobs Loves her cubs and never stops Gentle paws in the heart of a tiger I'm a survivor of the Dark Lord's reign Oh, wow. Did that sound familiar? That's beautiful.

Yes, I loved it. Thank you. Well, I just have to say, I noticed in the song that you mentioned your two cubs. You've been tending to them, I take it. In addition to managing your very successful career. Thank you so much. What's your name again? My name is Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator

of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Torracus, the elves know me as Fianyalec, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Hoogstengis, and I am known throughout the North-East as Gasminius Maester. And there may be other secret names, names that if I did err, utter them aloud, most assuredly, Barbra Jean would come and steal your husband well good thing I don't got no husband I'm single mom oh and this is Arnie hey how are you I'm from another world oh yeah another world other than one we're doing anything yes he's from a place called Earth.

It's a lot like here, except it's boring and they have tall metal buildings. So if I'm not as familiar with you, it's nothing personal. Although, you know, I think I sometimes get you confused with Bonnie Rat. Oh, Bonnie Rat. We go back, you know?

We're real good friends. You wouldn't think between a tiger and a rat, but she can harmonize like nobody's business. You know, I think Bonnie Ratt's a little bit older, but but yes, good collaborations. I've been wonderful, shared, humble beginnings, but both born to greatness. OK, OK. And which one is Ashley Blood? Oh, Ashley Blood, Ashley Blood, the vampire. born to greatness okay okay and which one is Ashley blood actually blood actually blood the vampire or Winona blood

the bloods Winona yeah so you're thinking of the Winona and yeah they're they're the bloods they're they They're they're real fun to be around when they're not hungry Same with you. Although Ashley's the only one that's an actor, right? She's a cock tickler. Yeah, that's nice You her perform with the with the truth tickle some cocks Reba just to sort of I guess bridge the gap. Yeah, who? currently is the sort of Ruler of tigers, king, queen, what have you? Okay, so she's gonna get back into singing this style of music, and this is the one line that I do actually talk to, and we're okay.

It's Mylon Cyrus. Oh, oh, I've heard of Mylon Cyrus. Listen, she can sing anything she wants and so that's a part of it that's like I do respect you as a line because you you can do it all and you don't need no backups. You don't need other lines around. Yeah. Where in all of this is Trisha Dearwood? Oh man. Trisha, Trisha, Trisha. I can only really hang out with her if I got a full belly, you know?

Sure, okay. Cause just my carnivorous nature. I just get a little testy with her. And sometimes she's, you know, she's a little, not all there sometimes. Sure. Like doe-eyed, you know? Yeah, oh, absolutely. speaking of your carnivorous nature

How is your belly right now? Oh, I ate on the way here. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I just kind of picked up some scraps I'm also if I'm kind of lazy. I Just see whatever's on the side of road. Yeah, I've seen Chunt do that too. It's alright Yeah, you know, it's it's kind of it's fast food. You know, I'm on the run. Yeah, you might've judged. You've seen me do that as well. I didn't want to out you here, honey. Well, actually, Reba, we haven't eaten yet, so let's order some food. We'll take a quick break and we'll come back and talk to you some more.

That sounds great! An order of mozzarella wands and a raw carcass? Yeah, we got those. We got that right. We got that right. What? Enhance your listening experience with Wondry+. Enjoy ad-free listening, exclusive content, binges, and more. Join Wondry+, in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. I feel like I was blindsided.

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Stream free on Amazon free via Prime Video. So Reba, I hate to pry into your personal life, but that's just sort of what I do. I like being open, pry away. Do you mind telling us a little bit about your cubs? Okay, no, that's a great question. So I had two cubs. Unfortunately, one of them fell ill. Oh no.

I know. It's just the animal kingdom. You know, there's always a weaker one and I just... Yeah, a snake ate him about six months ago. In what way was that him falling ill? Like getting eaten by a snake? I don't think of a worse illness than being eaten by a snake. Arnie snakes have poison Oh, yeah, he got bit first and then that made him ill for a couple seconds and then he ate him Arnie even if it's just a couple seconds, it still counts. Okay. Yeah, okay, sure. Something I'm sure you're used to telling women?

Charn, if you keep spreading that around, I'm not gonna be able to fuck any of this royalty, okay? And I've gotta do this to make alliances. Arnie, I swear to you, you absolutely have a shot with Princess Dewdrop, Queen of the Fleas. Princess Dewdrop? Fleas? Yeah. I don't need fleas in my pubic hair again Party, they're easy to get out though. If you find a good muddy swall, okay

So I'm so sorry a snake Ate your my cub and so he's gone but then I had one other cub and Yeah, he grew up and he actually married another animal. Shelly Clarkson is a turtle. Oh, Shelly. Yeah, Shelly did music too.

Oh wow, does Shelly got a pops on that turtle up to her. And they got married. So they that turtle up to anywhere. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And they got married, and then they- So they married Shelly Clarkson. Shelly Clarkson. And no relation to Kelly Larkson, the bird. No, not whatsoever. Never heard of Kelly Larkson. Oh, okay.

Huh, yeah, let's think about it. Reba, is a turtle related to a bird? Are we sure they're not related? Yeah, come on, Arnie. I don't know what Earth does up there, but woof. Arnie. Arnie. Dream guest on my podcast.

Is a worm related to a whale? Ugh, I don't know anything. Yeah, come on Arnie. Come on Arnie. I'm so sorry. That's alright. It's alright. It's your anniversary. It's nine years and ten days.

Oh, that's right. Where has it been? Nine years and a few days? Yeah, it has. I tried to get him to do the dance. You gotta do the dance, the nine year anniversary dance. Okay, how about this? I'll do the dance if everyone at least makes noises like I'm doing a good job. And while I do it, look, your faces can be like,

oh, you can roll your eyes as much as you want, but you just have to make noises like it's good so that the listeners think I do it, look, your faces can be like, you can roll your eyes as much as you want, but you just have to make noises like it's good so that the listeners think I do a good dance. And if you don't mind, Reba, I'd love dancing to your song, if you'd sing your classic song again. You know I'm gonna, I'm gonna sing it to you, yeah. You want that one or do you want me to go off on another one?

Well, I'd love to hear that one again, and then I'll probably at some point ask you for more. That's fair, that's fair. Gotta go with the hits. All right, here I go. Everyone pay attention. Ani's going to dance and Reba's going to sing. And you're all gonna make noises like it's good.

All right, here we go. A single minx who works two jobs, who loves her cubs and never stops Gentle paws and the heart of a tiger I'm a survivor Thank you for Dr. Lardsman The splits? That was wild, I'm actually impressed Thank you Bonnie, you had some real moves there

I know, I'm sweating like crazy That song's only about 20 seconds long I know It really, and you did a lot, you. Arnie, you had some real moves there. I know, I'm sweating like crazy. That song's only about 20 seconds long. I know. It really, and you did a lot. You covered this whole tabbing. Is that like the radio in it? That seems like it was going on forever. But you know what?

Not a lot of people go that hard. Yeah, that's true. You know? Each of us has a role to play in a certain set of skills that we can use to cause, bring about change in this world, and Arnie, yours may not be dancing. Hmm. Yeah. Maybe Arnie, yours is like when someone's talking about their child being eaten, maybe you talk about like your pubic hair or whatever you said. Not right away.

You wore people about... Shortly after. ...you be... It's customary to leave a morning period. Arnie, you're right. I'm dead wrong there. I mean, it was more than the period of time her son was ill before being eaten. I'm so sorry for your loss.

How long ago was this, by the way? Oh my goodness. Um, about six months ago. Oh, okay. So, still recent, but. But for a tiger, it's like that's like 20 years ago. Oh, OK. Yeah. I mean, I still love him, but barely remember what he looks like.

Sure. You know, sure. Yeah. It's so sad when creatures from the animal kingdom fall ill. I remember when my one of my horses chode fell ill and died from a piano falling on him. That's a way to go. Usador, how is this the first time you're hearing about this? You didn't know that chode fell ill by having a piano fall on him? I didn't hear about any part of this. I'm so sorry to hear that. Why didn't you tell me about... I mean, some of it sounds a little... parts of it sound funny. Arnie, if you were there to see a horse

look up and go, huh? And then to hear a piano fall and see the shadow of the piano on the horse get bigger and bigger until it engulfs the entire horse the shadow does. Oh no. And then when the piano finally hit Chode for, for a minute we thought he was okay because his head shot through the top of the piano. He smiled wide, piano keys making up his teeth. But then the teeth fell out one by one, making musical notes somehow still.

It probably sounded good, a little bit. Parts of it... parts of it were definitely the start of a song. Oh, wow. I wish somebody sampled that. Well, I... luckily, we record a lot of things here. You should listen to the podcast. I'm sure you could sample Arnie or Chunt doing some weird things. Uh, I don't think I would have anything interesting sound wise in a North Korea way to lend to your musical stylings.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that's great. That's something, yeah, sort of percussive. What do you mean? Yeah, it's kind of like a base to a song. You know, and I could always use like a wizard laying down a beat or something like that, you know? A wizard laying down a beat?

Perhaps I shall cast a spell of dank beats! On my songs? That'd be nice. Sure, if you'd like that. I'm always up for a collab. A Reba times Ysidor! I have to imagine now the tigers know Ysidor's dank beats. That's right. I'm telling you what, we can go on tour. You know, you can open for me casting spells on the audience, so by the time I get out there, they're transfixed. Oh, that's a good idea.

Yes, more entertainers should use magic to coerce their audiences into believing that they're more talented than they are. But you, Reba, don't need it because you already are so talented and so successful. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. And what makes it even more amazing is you're doing it all as a single mom. Excuse me, I get emotional. You're right. I just... it's hard just being by yourself in the woods producing music, raising cubs.

You know, that's my two jobs, music and being a mom. You know? Well, I don't want to poke a hole in this, but one of your cubs is gone and the other one is married off. You're not really actively raising them anymore, are you? Or are they always coming back and like taking food out of your tree or whatever?

I don't know what you have. Do you live in a house? Where do you keep your food? Yeah, do you live in a house? Well, listen, I live in a tree, a very big one, a huge tree, you know one of those We can kind of go inside of it. You can drive a wagon through it Oh, yeah, you know those sure. Oh, yeah, it's real big and I will say I hate to gossip about my own cub, but

Um recently my cub andlly Clarkson got a divorce That's good, we should be celebrating that that's good. I think it is good the part that's bad is I'm kind of on Shelly's side I Think my cub did not treat her right That's a hard place to be as a mom to to know that your child perhaps didn't do their best and be their best selves, but you still have to love them and intend and care for them. That's the thing about cubs, you know, they're lovable losers. They could fuck up for a hundred years and part of you is like, I want to keep rooting for them, but at the same time, no one's really watching them.

That's true. Sure they might be around, but you're not watching them, right? They don't care as much. They're like, it's a cub. That's just kind of what cubs do. That's the way they are. It's cub room talk.

You know? That's it. And it's hard when it's your own cub, because you're trying to hold them accountable, but then on the other side, you're like, well, who's gonna... It's just another cub out there shoot that's why a part of it is like when my other cub died I was extra sad because it was a female

cub not I'm not trying to be one way about it I'm just saying there's a stigma with cubs so if you got a girl one you're like we can break this. But you know, they should have had, there was a big old dowry. There's a lot of stuff involved in it. A dowry? Oh, so your cub came in to some money then. Yeah, and he kind of took off with it, so. Oh, how inappropriate.

So I understand why you're siding with Shelly then. It seems like things have been very difficult for her since Cub's been gone. In some way, yes. In another way, no. Because I tell you what, whenever Shelly gets her little heart broken, she sings those kind of songs that you hear and you go, oh, that resonates with me. She's blown up. She's all over food Everybody's listening to her now like her music and so in some ways she's she's kind of making Diamonds out of coal Are you sure that your cub meant to leave shelly and just wasn't walking at a normal speed and the turtle couldn't keep up? Oh

I guess I guess it could be just literally like they were at different speeds. Yeah Get I guess it could be just literally like they were at different speeds Yeah, and not just metaphorically on different kinds of pages kind of thing. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I guess I was just I mean You've got to imagine there's some chance that the company's hasn't looked behind them yet and they're like, oh shit We're Shelley. That's true. And I guess he always did kind of say he felt like she kept balls up always did kind of say he felt like she kept balls up. And he may be just literally probably meant that she's in a shell like she's in a hard shell. Yeah. You've got to figure either way, whether your cub intended to

leave, or whether he's walking several paces ahead of her, and hasn't quite caught up yet. You've got to figure if it doesn't kill her, it'll make her stronger. Absolutely. And I, Reba, I just want to apologize for Arnie He's not pacist Every animal goes at their own speed, you know, a few weeks ago I was accused of being like racist and I love books. So just know that Arnie means well, let's take a quick break maybe we come up with a new hit song called different speeds and

We'll be right back with more Riba McIntyger. Listen to this break at whatever speed you want, one time, one and a half times. Alright, just don't skip it. Peyton it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct. You're such a Leo. All time. Yeah.

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I have missed these Friday night dinners. Here, welcome to Harvey Graf. At these family dinners. Hello everyone. Dysfunction is served. I can't have you all messing things up for my entire adult life. Oh, I'm sorry, do we embarrass you? Jump, jump, jump!

It's already better than I dared to dream. They're extra. Let the wild rumpus start! And they're embarrassing. We know how hard it is to move on from the first girl that you ever slept with. Not the first girl who I ever slept with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You're a regular lady killer. I thought you said it was gonna be boring here tonight.

Whoo! No! I really hope it would be. But they couldn't love each other more. Surprise! It's mom and dad being totally normal. So, dinner next Friday, everyone? Wouldn't miss it for the world. Dinner with the Parents, season one.

Stream free, only on Freevy. So, Chunt, I'm still working on this list of loyalty that we should try to team up with. We should reach out to Googly Moogly. Googly Moogly. Oh, the great Googly Moogly. One of the best royals of all time. OK, they are a giant leech.

A giant leech. Yeah. Pretty big. Pretty big leech personality wise. OK. Yeah, they're they're an impala. Oh, I see. So sort of like a fast deer, but personality-wise, just a giant leech. Yeah. You sort of, you know any royalty that's not animals?

Uh, have you thought about reaching out to Duke Champagne? No, but I want to now. Duke Champagne? Oh yes, very fun, bubbly personality, very, very effervescent, I would say. Life of the party. Life of the party, perhaps not as serious as you would hope, but very charming.

Certainly someone you don't want to cross though. Mean drunk. Is Duke Champagne the one that switched places with the commoner the Miller and then that Miller started living the high life no that's his pop oh I see I mean I can get you in touch with the shank Williams he's um he's a pirate but he's probably the number one country singer he started the whole thing this pirate I don't number one that seems I don't want to necessarily start at the top is it possible like is there like a third like a shank oh he's the third you know him I

don't know if you want to go even lower down the list Chris Payne's oh he's like I mean very approachable yeah I don't think I've ever even talked to him Here's the thing someone everyone brings him up every once in a while and you're like, why are we still talking about him? It's fun to talk about him. I don't know. I think sometimes he starts his own rumors. Do you know what I mean? That's a ooh Reba that's a good song He starts his own rumors. He starts his own rumors. He starts his own rumors. He's in a lot of pain.

Yesterday you talked to him. He said just the same. Yeah, that's a good one somewhere. Yeah, I like that. There we go. Seems like a real driving ballad. It sounds like a perfect... I don't know if you're a songwriter for other singers as well, but it sounds like a real driving ballad. It sounds like a perfect, I don't know if you're a songwriter for other singers

as well, but it sounds like a perfect sort of like power ballad for your daughter-in-law. Yeah, I do ghost-wrote. You know how ghosts back in the day used to write novels? Or songs? So I sometimes, you know, I pair up with a ghost and I ghost-wrote for other singers. Ray Ba, I didn't, Chunt's father is a ghost. No, it's okay.

He wrote a book. It was pretty tough to get through. It was a book called, what is that? What does that feel like again? And it was just a list of things he forgot. Stuff he forgot what it feels like, you know, what was it? Because he's a ghost and he forgot what it's like to have skin.

Exactly. Exactly. So we all I only got up to chapter 17, which I think was diarrhea. Yeah, he forgot some of some of the chapters. We weren't sure if he was joking or not You know cuz if a ghost comes up to you and says What does diarrhea feel like again? You feel like it's a it's like a horse. It's a piano on a horse, right? Yeah, it's something you start to laugh at and then you realize they're serious and you're like, oh no

This is like, oh no, this horse has got piano teeth. Sean. I have to perfectly honest. I have a hard time believing your dad could write a book. It was okay It was more of a pamphlet. It was simply I just knowing your dad. Okay, it was one piece of paper Just with chapter titles. Yeah, well, that's to be fair. Yeah, they were all just chapter titles all of the final minute It was him just saying them out loud. Okay, I'll come clean I thought he might write these things and so I wrote them down In his defense if he's a ghost he can't really hold a pen. Yeah, exactly Unless a pen well, let's this is a ghost pen. I should kill a pin for my dad. Yeah Oh, that sounds like a country song.

I should kill a bird for my dad. He's a ghost, he's a go-go-go! Yeah, that sounds about right. I am loving the insight into your songwriting process. It's clearly like singing a line and then pausing for a second and being like, that might be something. Yeah, that sounds good. I usually have to edit those parts out

because I leave those, you know, you're right. It's all part of the process, you know, you kind of have to look outside of yourself sometimes and then get back into your head and finish the rest of the song, you know. Yeah. Oh, of course. It's calm response with yourself. Yeah, I love it. it oh i like that it's

something that um uh garth bablin brooks used to do yeah he's a river he was a singer he usually stands next to chris pains or no actually maybe i've never seen them again yeah i've never seen them in the same place or you know them both suddenly okay fine i have a life outside this podcast see that's what i did with my dad's book i just started saying stuff yeah. I have a life outside this podcast. See that's what I did with my dad's book. I just started saying stuff Yeah, wait, you have a life outside the podcast a little bit. What what do you do? What do you do? I don't know. I just walk around a little bit. Hmm Look at clouds. Yeah, good start eat a sandwich any good clouds not lately. Oh Well, I tried Any good clouds? Not lately. Oh.

Well, I tried. Have you ever noticed sometimes there's like, oh my gosh, there's so many good clouds. I can't even look at all these clouds. And then other times you're like, I miss having a good cloud to look at. Wow, thoughts only you've had. Arnie, this is great. Yeah, this sounds like either a journal entry or poetry.

Probably journal entry. Yeah. Could it be a song? You know, I mean, like I said, I can squeeze diamonds out of coal. So let's try it out. There's a rumbling there's a rumbling storm headed into food. I look up in the sky and guess what's new? It's clouds, clouds, clouds, clouds coming over the valley. There's something there I think.

I can't spell clouds without louts. Really shined up that turd. Yeah. I think you got something there Arnie. Keep working on it. I used to hang out with Miranda Lambert. She's a lamb. You know, she writes a lot of songs about clouds, kind of, a little bit. Was it like a metaphor for anything? Like, or was it literally just about clouds and rain? I think it started off just literally because she was always in the field

with other lambs and so she either was singing about grass or clouds in the sky. And then she started dating a wolf and he did her wrong, he did her dirty. I know he had, listen, you know how some people work cat fur? He was wearing lamb fur. Yeah, that makes sense. He got plugs.

He had wolf in lamb's fur. Yeah, he got plugs. He got lamb plugs. And so she thought he was a lamb and then he started howling and then, you know, she keyed his wagon. It's a whole thing. Yeah.

Suggest me or do lamb plugs sound delicious? Yeah. I am so hungry. It's kind of like lamb chops. It does sound like that, doesn't it? It does a little bit. By the way, did you enjoy your side of beef? Oh my goodness.

Yes, I did. It was a lot fresher than what I had on the way here. Oh good. You know. Glad we could, uh, we kind of get, you know, Ani is the owner of this tavern, this walking, perambulating tavern. And yeah, so, you know, we pride ourselves on serving the finest raw meats.

It was it was real good. I'm full, you know, I'm telling you. Honestly, it's been a bit of problem for us that most of the food here is served raw. So we really probably should try to get more customers who like to eat raw meat or can stomach it. Oh yeah, I know a lot of animals that like raw meat. So I can bring them all in there. Oh yeah, come by any time.

We're happy to just, you know, throw raw meat at our customers. That's how I usually prefer it that way. I usually like to fight over it a little bit. So maybe you can introduce that to the menu. It's like you have to fight with someone else to get it. Chud, you've been wanting to start a whole animal fighting thing anyway, right?

Yeah, but underground. Oh, sorry, sorry. A lot of moles like that too, underground. Prairie dogs, moles, et cetera. Reba, I'm not as super familiar with your music but if I remember correctly do you have tremors? Tremors? Oh wow when I tell you... So I was gonna be a part of the the dickwinklers or whatever they're called. Okay. Um as an actor a dickly wickly a vagina monologuer, but that's right in in the south

The cacti colors are called the dink winklers, right? Is that the dink winklers and someone are known as vagina? Monologues vagina monologues monologues, you know what I'm trying to say. That's why I didn't get it It's hard for me to speak. I sing better But with that said they had a play And they called it tremors based on that creature that is underground and I starred in it. That was my one of my biggest Will you say block? Bust like blockbuster as in you're breaking a block on the side of the road. Break it. Oh wow. That's crazy

That's so it's such a big hit So yeah, I did act a little bit in tremors. Yeah, it was a few plays, right? It was a whole series there was tremors to tremors three What was the fourth one called tremors? I think or reloaded yours for that's a Trevor's for reloaded. Yeah it's when the tremors got drunk again Cuz they got drunk in two and then they get the Duke champagne was in there and he was

You've gotten drunk with them tremors. It's Arnie. I don't know how it is on earth, but here Musicians want to be royalty royalty want to be actors and actors I guess they want to be actors as well because the pay is not great, but it's just so weird. Yeah, it's so weird Yeah, there's not much pay for the dickwinklers, you know It seems glamorous, but then you know you really get into the meat of it and like there's a lot of hard work Yeah, not a lot of payoff and if you do get a lot of pay, it comes at, you have to give over your youth, and so you start to sag. So you have to join, if you wanna join

to get a certain kind, you have to trade something, and you trade your youth, and you trade maybe your health. And so a lot of those actors that get paid, they sag now. Well, we should, just to paint a full picture, if I may, Rebo, we should say they sag after about three to four roles. That's true, that's true.

No, that's exactly right. I love that shot, you gilled it. Thank you. Ana, you're right though, there are a lot of royals who have secret desires to become actors. Well documented on this very show. Yeah, Tom Blaine. Tom Blaine Bellroth, but you may not know

that in his youth, King Guntherir Mossback also wished to tread the boards and for a while played the Great Dane of the famous play. Dane Cook? Yes. The chef? Yes, Dane of the famous play. Dane Cook? Yes. The Chef? Yes, Dane Cook, you know this, you know Foonish play? I think I've just heard a little bit about it,

but I'm not super familiar. You're not super familiar. You know that it's a dog who cooks. You know the Great Dane Cook, the chef? Yeah, he's a real good chef. Ernie, the play starts with a prologue. They say there's nothing in the menu that says a dog can't cook. I am so shocked that you know this.

He's even got a little hand symbol that he does, where he puts up his paw and it looks like he's flipping off everybody. Oh yeah, the super paw. The super paw. Oh, there you know, Alpha Doranius SXT and the third, our friend King Ron, he also he likes to put on little plays, you know, in his kingdom when he's not, you know, taking money from his constituency. And then, of course, there's Queen

Maxibilian, who loves to act and sing songs and put on little plays. She's actually really quite talented. Oh, Glasonia, the Queen of the Mirrors. Oh, yeah. She likes to act, kind of copy what people do. Yeah, she was I think she's also a ghost writer for my reflection that Christina Aguilera Lear Lee lemur link Lee. Yep

Christina Aguilera Yeah, she ghost read us that my reflection because it's about mirrors Oh that makes a lot of sense and she's had an interesting career Arnie this lemur was fucking nasty according to the public not me She's also a genie. That's kind of crazy. I mean she she she put a spell on everybody What are you saying? Yeah, a lot of people say she was a genie who granted her own wish, which is remarkably rare. Not my type of music, but you know, I respect it. Yeah, it's, you know, as long as it floats someone's boat.

Oh, speaking of. Oh. We can talk about Justin Timberlake. Oh, I was gonna talk about Raft Hartley. OK, well, I think they're part of the same group of lakes. Oh, the great Arnie, the acting group, the Great Lakes. But are they lakes? Are they lakes? Arnie, what are you saying?

What's happening here? Are they lakes? Are they lakes? Does the sun rise in the east? Sometimes? Yes, yes it does. There you go. I could cast a spell to make it rise from somewhere else if we like though.

Probably not gonna help anything though. Just showing off. No, no, it's cool. You sir, that'd be cool. No, it's fine, nevermind. No, that'd be kinda cool. Yeah, why not? Everyone, wouldn't we love to see the sun rise in a different...

Yeah. Sure. Look, I'm not gonna do it. I just wanna know if anyone's thinking about how lizards look like cats without hair. Is anyone still thinking about that? That sounds like... You sir... I don't mean this... I don't want you to take this the wrong way. That sounds like a dank beats idea. So we all know... We all know you're Ys door the blue, etc. Etc. Afeasius, but when you

Smell if you're within 10 miles of any marijuana We know you immediately turn into dank beats. That's a good dank beat idea Yeah, write that down and we'll go to the studio and Yeah, write that down and we'll go to the studio and we'll make a song out of it. Arnie, we're gonna have to go to a studio where they record songs into crystal balls. Wait, we recorded an album on our Patreon. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

That album was fucking nasty. It was like a Christina Aguilera if I may. It was. I gotta listen to this. Y'all are holding out on me. Sorry, it's $5 a month to join me. Why don't we check out an email here. You can email us at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies.

It's a real email address. You can also message us at the Patreon by joining the Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern. Here's an email I received recently. Dear Arnie, Chunt and Usador, plus any guests. Oh, there you go, Reva. You're in cool. Bye now.

Oh, okay. All right. And Mundle the Grundle. Greetings from South Wales. I have been looking into ways of achieving- Sorry, I'm sorry. Before you even go on. South Wales.

There are Wales that specifically only live in the South. Or are they underground? Cause I could use a ringer for my fight club. That's a good question. No, I'm not gonna talk about earth stuff, except for reading this email. Whaley Nielsen? I've been looking into ways of achieving immortality

in the hope it would give UC the upper hand with the Foon Wizards. This is what I found. He has a list. Oh. Number one, eat a mermaid. Nice. Didn't work. Number two, anger a god or goddess and get them to punish you with immortality.

I'm like, they're not mad at me already. Number three, find a tree that grows gold apples. Not golden apples, gold apples and eat one. I think. Didn't Cabaron have a golden apple? Oh yeah. We should check in with him. Didn't he give it to you to hold on to?

No, he took it back. Oh shit, do I have it? Number four, create the Taoist elixir. Drink water that has a piece of gold and cinnabar in it. Caution however, cinnabar is a common ore of mercury and mercury is deadly. Great, now I'm hungry again. Wait, Taoism? Isn't that a belief system? I've heard about that. Part of this is an Earth thing, because Ani's told us many times about cinnabon.

He really misses it a lot. I don't know how he would get that here though. He said he would like to have a Cinnabite of a Cinnabon. If eating Cinnabon makes you immortal, I'm gonna live forever. Well, you're a little hell raiser, aren't you? Are you listening, Cinnabon? Number five, wash in the morning dew at the dawn of the summer solstice.

It will give you immortality for a year, so you will need to do this annually. Imm immortality for a year, so you will need to do this annually. Immortality for a year, come on. Number six, ask the goddesses for some ambrosia. Oh, I could do that. Number seven, come to earth, seek out the holy grail and drink from it. Ooh.

What's the holy grail? What's that? Tell us all about it. Well, it's probably the second best Indiana Jones movie, I think. Who's second best Indiana Jones movie, I think. Who's that? Indiana Jones. Number eight.

This is my favorite and something my grandfather told me. If you can lick the point of your elbow with your arm bent, you will have immortality for a thousand years. Good luck and don't die. Yours in appreciation, Angarad. Angarad Yours in appreciation, Angarad. Angarad. Thank you, Angarad. Well, at least one of these must work.

I'll spend this week trying to lick my elbow. Yeah, I can do it pretty easy. Well, you must be very long lived. You said you were born in 97 or you were doing, you were recording songs back in 97. Yeah, I was recording music back then and I've been around for a while, you know? When the trees started to talk.

That's about the time I was born. Whoa, that's been a while. I know the great blue tigers have a lot of magic to them, but I didn't realize that any tiger had magic. Yeah, well, I'm a red tiger. So it's kind of like we're on other sides of the color wheel a little bit. Like they got a lot of power and so do we, but we have more like the artsy kind of power, you know, they're more of like they excel in like more administrative kind of ways.

Sure, sure, sure. You could have stopped at Excel. Fair. Arnie, thank you so much for bringing this letter to my attention. Listener Anne, I shall endeavor to find ways to become immortal once again and ensure that this terrible wizard war that's looming o'er all of us as wizards take over more and more land and try to become warlords that it all comes to a peaceful end know that I shan't rest until I find some peaceful solution or

Yeah, if I can lick my elbow, I'll probably be you know distracted by looking over. Yeah Reba did you ever bother to name your cubs? Well, you know Sometimes it's easier to name a song than it is your own cub. Sure. That sounds like a good song title. And you know sometimes it's just a little hard to name the ones that are close to you.

Ooh, fancy. Yeah, that sounds, yeah, oh, speaking of fancy. Here's your 110 fancy, don't let me down Hey-o That's another song I got going on there Yeah, let's have that Yeah, you guys are really inspiring me I might release another album

Oh, that'd be great We'll have to have you back on so you can promote it I'd love to, I'd sing a couple tunes, you know? Just sing here in this here tavern. I appreciate that, you know? It takes a village to release an album, you know? Yeah, but anyway, my son's name is Shelby Blackstock. Get um, King, stalking. Shelly and Shelby? Oh, I bet they got me. Oh, yeah. That's why they didn't work.

That was never gonna work out. Shelly and Shelby or I bet they got me. Oh, yeah I know from the jump. That's where well a musician. We get a few other acts going maybe some Underground animal fights Ari. I think we might be able to bring back chunks night It feels like all the pieces are falling into place and no and speaking of Arnie the email you read Quite the list Made me want to perform a list of my own What's it like again chapter one, what's it like to live Chapter two, what's it like to laugh? chapter three Chapter 2. What's it like to laugh? Chapter 3.

What's it like to have diarrhea? Just could have dug deeper into any one of these ideas. Oh shit, that was chapter 3. Chapter 13, repeat. What's it like to have diarrhea? Oh, that's right. All the way up to 17. Live, laugh, diarrhea. And Chapter 18 was the friends and gastrointestinal disturbances we made along the way. Yuzuru the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking and Listing Badger was played by Adol Raffae.

Reba McIntiger was played by special guest Stevie Shale. Stevie performs with the character team Boop at UCB LA. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Toffee, Mel Rodriguez, parenthesis not the Hollywood Star, that sounds like something a Hollywood star would say, Mel. Belle from Hell, Max Blaine. Knoxy, Richard Poiner, Svere Stenloak, Mark, but also Kirby, Alec Rocken Roloff.

Hmm, one thing that doesn't roll off is the tongue. Jack B, Richard Dick Demore. Their words, not mine. Lauren Craig. Spencer Hesse. Millie Headcombe. Adrienne Wilkinson. Thomas the mischievous. Ugh, framing device the disinterested.

Andy Kyle. Carla Routenbach. Jamison Lee Barber. Adara Burns. And Chelsea. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, a book club gathering with Flower to discuss the Swedish children's book, Pippi Longstocking. Whoa. Pippi Longstocking is pure chaos, right? She's insane. All she does is fuck up everything. She's awful to everyone. Right?

She's super strength. Yeah, she lies constantly. Right. Sometimes you can't tell if she's lying or if she knows it other times she just admits that she's lying. She ruins circuses for no reason. Let's just say she's she's making everything about her. Right? Yeah. Like, yes. Yeah, I mean, and I get it. She's a child who is unencumbered by parents. So she likes to make up tall tales and seem more impressive than perhaps she is. Although she is very impressive in some ways, she has this strength. She has a

certain simple way of viewing the world that can be charming at times. She doesn't mean anyone any ill unless her evil plans are revealed in these other books, which I have to assume they are because she's directly from hell. Isidor, I feel bad now. You're right. She's just a nine-year-old with three guns. I'm sorry I said she was chaotic. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp Matt Young and Adil Rafai post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz associate producer Anna Hoverman this episode edited by Garrett Schultz hello

for the magic tavern logo by Allard Laban magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy,

we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels… There are murders in all of the books. …that she was playing them out in real life? You can listen to Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.