Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 12 - Paladin (w/ Xu Mason)

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

Dagobert the Paladin used to be a princess but now she fights for her goddess.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiDagobert: Xu MasonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I can't have you all messing things up my entire adult life. Oh, I'm sorry. Do we embarrass you? Dinner next Friday everyone would miss for the world dinner with the parents season 1 stream free only on freebie People of Earth the following podcast is not real. One moment, just reading through some focus group feedback. The audience finds you dismissive and cruel. Well, that deserves a reply. Dear focus group moderators, I find the audience…

Wait, no I don't, because I'm not looking for the audience. Even if the audience was lost in a cold, dark forest, surrounded by a pack of audience-eating bacteria. No, wolves. Wolf bacteria. I'll run that through Grammarly later. As for you, sit weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp, the greatest warrior in all of Foon. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost. As we try to summon up forces to fight the war of the wizards. I am joined as always by my cohost, Chubb the Talking Badger. Oh yeah, baby.

How you doing, bud? Doing pretty good. How are you doing, bud? I'm okay. I've been a little busy. My hands are cramped because I keep trying to write these letters to royalty. You know, I'm just sort of've been a little busy. My hands are cramped because I keep trying to write these letters to royalty You know, I'm just sort of like cold-calling royalty

I guess cold quilling royalty to sort of try to get them to align with us to fight these wizards Oh, sweetie, that's why your hands are cramping because you're cold quilling. Let's get this quill up to room temperature Let's get some salt in you Here we go. Some salt in me. Yeah, if you have a cramp Let's get some salt in you. Here we go. All right. Let's get some salt in me. Yeah, if you have a cramp, you eat some salt. You didn't know that?

I didn't. I actually really didn't. Is that a weird food thing or is that just a normal thing that I should know? I mean, everyone in food does it. I don't know if it's a weird food thing. What do you do on earth if you have a cramp? I don't know.

I usually don't do enough stuff to give myself cramps. I feel like when I've seen you before, you're seated for so long, you get a cramp, I don't know. I usually don't do enough stuff to give myself cramps I feel like when I've seen you before you're seated for so long you get a cramp and then you just stand up and you go Ah, ah, ah, ah, is that sort of an earth technique? Yeah, pretty much and then I'm like I am gonna sit back down for at least a week Hmm interesting. So you're writing the royalty Arnie. I also sent out some scrolls Sent one out to giggle mugug, King of the Cranes. Oh. Sent one out to Dewdrop, Queen of the Dolphins. How about Pumblechook, the Lord of the Geckos, but they're actually a cat? I didn't send one to him because I'm pretty sure Reba McIntiger ate him.

Oh, yes. I just assumed. I assumed. Yeah, I could be wrong. Iger ate him. Oh, yes. I just assumed, I assumed. Yeah, yeah, that's a safe assumption. I could be wrong, I could be wrong. But I haven't heard back from any of the animals yet. None? Let me check my nonexistent pile. Yeah, none.

Well, I sent a letter to King Ralph, but it turns out it was just an imposter. Well, King Ralph, someone, oh no. Arnie, we have to do something. Yeah, I don't know. He's a good man, King Ralph. He is? Well, King Ralph someone- Oh no! Arnie, we have to do something. Yeah, I don't know. He's a good man, King Ralph. He is? Well, King Ralph is a good man, but...

If there's someone impersonating King Ralph, that's a bad man. No, he seemed pretty cool. Seemed like a good man, yeah. I feel like... A long time ago I heard about King Ralph, but... I'd be lying if I said I remembered very much about King Ralph. And what I'm saying right now may or may not have anything to do with King Ralph.

Arnie, have you heard back from anyone? Well, I have heard back from King Dartholomew, the boy king. So maybe we'll try to have a meeting with him soon. And we're going to have to get back into practicing our pitch. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Should I grab the cards? Yeah, yeah, here I'll set up the easel.

Okay, alright. Okay. Let me put on a tie real quick. Dee dee dee dee dee. Oh, this is a snake. That'll work as well. Alright. Okay.

That's a snake. Okay, so imagine this. It's sort of like our favorite play, Automaton Constable. Except it's a war and there are a bunch of wizards involved. Okay, interesting, I like that. Ooh, Arnie, this is new, you critiquing the pitch from within, interesting, I like that. Interesting, I like that.

If during the pitch, someone giving the pitch, green lights the pitch, then does it really, maybe it tricks everyone into green lighting. That's a good idea. What does everyone want, Arnie? What they can't have. If we buy our own pitch, people will try and buy it from out from under us. Exactly.

Brilliant Arnie. Brilliant. Start a bidding war right there in the room. Yeah, we'll outbid Max the Mirror. Who's Max the Mirror? You don't know Mirror Max? No, I used to buy everything. Now I don't.

Maybe, I don't know. Maybe he bought King Ralph, who knows. I see. I feel like I started to hear a little bit about mirror max again recently and I'm like really he's still a thing Well, Arnie, let me take off this snake. Oh got bit on the neck real bad. Okay, that's fine Oh, let me see if I can just suck out the old boys in here. What it? Stop What is chum keep looking for opportunities to suck himself? Why?

Wait, so it's a... what happened there? You got a snake on you? Yeah, my tie bit me in the neck, but I got it. Oh... There we go. I'm sorry. Oh, who's that at the bar? Oh, it looks like our guest is here. Guys, I'm so excited. I don't think we've ever had a paladin on. Oh.

And frankly, I'm not sure I've ever had a paladin on. Oh. And frankly, really? I'm not sure I even know what a paladin is, which is why I think it's a good idea. Please welcome our guest, this paladin that I ran into at the bar. Hey, Chump, do you notice how I don't get any- Hi!

Hi! Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you. I am Usador the Blue, Hi. Hi. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you. I am Usador the Blue, one of the great wizards of Foon

and it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance great paladin. To whom do you swear your fealty? Oh, that's like a complicated question. I feel like we need to like get to know each other a little bit more before I can tell you that. I'm so sorry, I'd like to apologize for Ysidor. I usually ask the opening questions and they're never complicated.

No worries. They're usually just like, what's your deal or why do you look like that, stuff like that. Oh, why do I look like this? Oh. That is, yeah, I actually, I might segue into that question. Why do you look like that? Oh, you know, paladin is,

it's not like a profession that always pays the most. So sometimes you just need to make do and, you know, I think tatters actually make you cooler. And I think when you are a paladin and you step out, like in like really cool linens, I just think like, okay, like, what are you like, sworn to the goddess of money? Like that's okay, whatever.

But you know, I think there's like really something to be had in like the humility and humbleness of having some dirt, you know, on your face or whatever. And you know. That is beautiful. That is so beautiful because sometimes you see these paladins, they come out dressed in their fineries and their jewels. And their gold encrusted armor. And you have to say, where's that money coming from?

Aren't they a part of some religious order that's supposed to be giving back to the poor yet? They take the money to aggrandize themselves No, thanks. I once knew a paladin. He said he had the cup of a carpenter. It was bejeweled It was gold it would I mean it probably held like 80 ounces Oh, but Sean, but Sean did you see that guy drink out of that cup? Oh, yeah Oh, he turned into a big skeleton real fast. You know, I know a paladin who had a John of the Carpenter

and I gotta say, that thing was terrifying. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie. Yeah. By John of the Carpenter, do you mean? I meant toilet, not anything else. Oh, I see, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, toilet goddess, yeah. Toilet goddess, now that, I almost never say this,

but that's a t-shirt. Just so you know though, toilet goddess, low-key sucks. Like just not the greatest and like really temperamental. So like not my goddess and would not recommend swearing yourself to her, you know, like. No, let me interpret for Arnie. You said not my goddess. Arnie's from another world,

so sometimes he doesn't understand the things here in Foon. When this paladin says not my goddess, what she means in earth language is hashtag not my goddess. Does that make sense now? Do you understand now? Yes, now. Yes, I love hash browns. Yes, that's exactly what I mean.

Do you? Oh yeah, we can. Yeah, we'll give I love hash browns, yes, that's exactly what I mean. Do you have? Oh yeah, we can. Oh, yes. We'll give you some hash browns. Barkeep, four ales and some hash browns for the table. And some rooster's feet. And I should say, Paladin, now that we've got, we typically ask some what Arnie calls softball questions up top, like,

who do you swear you're fealty to, and why are you wearing that? Now we're gonna get into the tough questions, which is usually later in the show, which is what is your name? Oh, good job, Chant. I know this one. It's Daggo Bear, daughter of Clother the Second,

Hal de Trude, I studied under Arnulf of Metz and Pepin of Landon. So I mean, it's not a name, but it's not not a name. You know what I mean? Sure, yeah. I know that. Sure, sure. If I still got introduced on this show, I'd also have a bunch of titles. Yeah, this is Usador.

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesus. Wait, wait, wait. Master of what? Usador. No? She's a paladin. She deals with the common people, so she would only know you as Dumpyard Daddy Boy.

That's what the common people know you as. That's right, I forgot. Oh yeah. Oh, okay. Have you heard of the wizard dumpyard daddy boy? Yeah, I thought that was like an urban legend myth. Like I thought that was like a myth that, you know, like we told our children, you know, stories to scare them. I didn't think that was like real.

It is me! I just hit myself with lightning. I didn't mean for that lightning to hit me. I just meant for it to come down and seem exciting. Oh, you're charged to a hundred percent finally Like three percent for nine years Diego bear you may have a better way of Describing this but Arnie you were saying you don't really know what a paladin is a paladin as far as I know

My name is Chunt by the way on Shantae. Uh, how does like a holy night? Holy night I mean, yes But also no like there's so much more than that. It's it's not just being sworn It's not just night duty. It really encompasses the whole thing. You know, we do everything. We're not just sent on missions. We're not just doing this or that. We're not just running errands, okay?

We have purpose, and what we do is just so purposeful. And you know, listen, once I get to know you and I can tell you all about my goddess, your mind's gonna be like, blown. You're just gonna be like, oh my gosh, okay, amazing, right? But sometimes you run errands, right? Like if you meet a villager and they're like, I need 10 apples to make this pie or something,

you probably go through the forest and collect 10 apples and you go back and you get the pie. Then you have to collect 10 pies to get it to somebody to get some other fucking thing. Yes, yes, sometimes you run errands and sometimes you spend 10 years out in the wilderness running errands. But again, it is a light with holy purpose.

So it's not just making apples and picking apples and doing whatever someone else asks you. It's picking apples, but different. Oh, I'm intrigued. Arnie, I've been saying this podcast needs more religion. Yeah, and I've been saying when it comes to apples, think different. Mm-hmm.

Arnie, Chunt and I have both been asking you for a while. Can we really just put a really strong religious bent on this whole show? Just this once. Just this once. Thank the goddesses. Well, let's take a quick break and Ysidro and I will put on our Sunday best

and we'll be right back with more. What's this podcast again? Hello from the Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Oh, cause we're in a tavern. Ah. Yeah, and it's magic. It's cursed.

Oh yeah. Here's another pitch. Blessed from the magic tavern. Ooh, I like that. Arnie, that's like hashtag blessed. Okay, yeah, yeah, hash browns. And also, hash browns are here. And also with you, Sidor.

Does that make sense? And also with you, Sidor? I got it. You get it, Arnie? You get it? And also with you, Sidor. Yeah. We'll be right back.

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Oh, sorry, Dagobah. The T is silent. Yes. What led you into paladin-dom? Paladin-dom. Oh boy. Oh, it was my choice. And I know that a lot of people think,

oh, well, you know, when you're royalty and you're like the 14th born, you just, there's no room for you in the royal family, but that's not true. Okay, that's- Holy, what's this now? Yeah, that's not true. Like, I had a lot of options.

I just, I chose the paladin life because I was like, you know, blessings in this house, but not in this house, cause I had to leave when I took my vows. But, but I had a lot of options is what I'm trying to say. And this was like, this was my choice. Arnie, chant secret royalty. Secret royalty.

Arnie, I was going to say, look at her cloak. I mean, it's like tattered, but it's like tattered And if you see like the dirt on that this the smudges of smut on her face are like Expertly done like she knows what she's doing. Yeah, I think she comes from it's it's worn down But I think that's a coachman I don't just a double check if she's a princess or not Let's ask her to sleep on that mattress in the back that there's pee under it. Oh That's you said or his mattress, okay All right here and when I heard heard myself saying it it seemed like a bad plan Arnie You know that you saw her spell went bonkers the other week and now he has to when he goes home walk uphill both ways

Because you know the hill is now magic to to be uphill. So So he set up that magic, don't make him do that. Um, Dago Bear. Yeah, oh my god, these hash browns are so good. Just, oh, I'm just gonna eat everything in front of me because it's been a while since I last meowed. Yeah, uh-huh. Would you say, you were talking about your family. What does your family do?

Royalty really doesn't do anything. That's like kind of their whole thing. They just don't need to do, like doing is like common and royalty is like not, you know? Sure, sure. So, but you said you were the 14th born of this line? Yeah, yeah, the 14th girl. So there were quite a few ahead of me.

But you know people. You know people who know people, right? I mean, sure, in the sense that we all know everybody because our divine senses know each other, you know? Like, I know so many people. Like, I know you now, right? Yes, you do know us. And I suppose in the sense you're saying,

to begin with, that you've always known us. Yes. You've always been connected. Absolutely, like, I see you and I'm like, wow, this guy just like hit himself with lightning and like almost set this table on fire. Like, wow, this really sucks for whoever owns this tavern. Oh my God. And you, you were like,

Arnie, you're like a per, you're. Per person. He's just a guy. He's just a guy, yeah. Just a guy. Um, uh, per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- per- Uh, eggs. Why did you say eggs? That's weird. I'm a shapeshifter by the way, anyway. Oh, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have assumed. So eggs, yes, no? Like, do you have extra eggs? We'll get some eggs. We'll get some eggs to go with these hash browns. You know, let's order you some eggs. And some bacon.

Oh my god. Eggs and bacon on the way. Man, you are really famished. Did you, have you been out on the road for a while? Uh, yeah. It's, it's, it's, Yeah, I've been traveling for a little bit, for sure. Been on the road, you can probably tell, because you can just smell all the adventures I've been on and all the not errands, divine blessings that I'm privileged and honored to do for everybody, yeah.

Daggerbear, is there a particular quest or mission you find yourself upon that has brought you to this tavern? I would love to tell you, but it's kind of part of my whole goddess thing. And I can't just like be telling you willy nilly. So let's just say it's super important. And you know, it's super important to add. You know, it's a little bit of sworn to secrecy.

A little bit of my soul was like put into it. So I can't get it back. But so yeah, it's like a big deal is what I'm trying to say, you know? Oh, okay. Yeah. That's exciting. I was brought into this world to defeat evil in all its forms for a conspiracy of burdened winds and rain and fire insisted there be a champion.

So I've got a lot of stuff going on too. It's not a contest. I'm running this tavern, you know, it takes a lot of work. Oh, you own this tavern. Oh, yeah, that's amazing. Yeah, and it moves around sometimes, so that's hard. Oh, yeah, like on legs? Yeah, it has legs we can't really control it it's cursed it's difficult to sell it as a place to

spend the night for people like to rent out a room and then in the morning you're you don't know where you're gonna miles away from yeah yeah you're not where you live yeah and you know how exhausting it is every time the tavern moves to have to run and go collect a pile of mattresses with piss underneath it every single time. That's true. Oh boy, exhausting. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wizard needs to sleep on the mattress of piss. Yep, of course. Yes, there's no good way to pick up a mattress with piss underneath it. That's the worst part. I mean, I mostly sleep on the ground, so I mean, can't you just pee on some straw? Like, straw's good. If I have a straw bed, I'm like, wow, I mean, can't you just pee on some straw? Like, the straw's good.

If I have a straw bed, I'm like, wow, I have, this is a good day. Oh, well, in that case, since you've come here on a religious mission of such great import, I believe that Arnie will waive the fee for this evening, allow you to sleep here upon a bed and gain some rest and fill thine belly all gratis. No need to pay a single dime

for you have greater purpose that we cannot imagine. Oh my goddess, that is just so kind of you. I love that. I'm gonna eat all these eggs. It's gonna be so great. Yeah, eat all the eggs. And then also also I'm also kind. It's not a competition but here's some potatoes. Oh gratis free potatoes. And now's the time in the episode I think where to

help fund your journey. I'm gonna go ahead and pass around the collection plate. Give what you can. We're happy to take the money that jingles, but we'd rather the money that folds. Let's just go ahead and pass it around. You know, the folding coins are worth more than the regular coins. Yep, everyone knows that. That's true. Arnie, I passed the collection plate directly to you and you just handed it back?

Yeah. We were just passing it, right? Maybe hand it to Mundell and Mundell can take it around. I'm gonna hand it to Mundell. Okay. And now let me read from the good book. Pippi Longstocking? Well, no, this is actually the Great Gatsby. It's a snub-nosed motorboat. Snubbed. Let us all say, you sir, please lead us in this prayer. Turn to page 17 of the Great Gatsby.

Though we read this on a book club, oh, four or five years ago, I still am unaware of what a snub nosed motorboat might be. I don't care about a single other thing in that book because there are no spells in it, so it's a terrible book. Amen. Arnie, now you do your sermon. Oh, um,

hey everybody. You know... Just be good, right? I'm here, I'm gonna turn my chair around. I'm gonna be a cool bastard. Ugh. I'm sorry, I meant a cool bastard. Hey guys, I'm gonna be a real cool bastard. Uh... Guys, just fuckin' do what you want!

I'm a cool bastard! Hey, Dago Bear? Chunt, this feels a little condescending, right? I wasn't gonna say it, um i feel like like a guitar is gonna appear in his arms like at any moment oh there it is oh guys uh does anybody have any suggestions of songs you'd like to hear i know what all at once please all at once, please. All at once again? Yes. Okay. Seven dragons and a baby.

All right. Listen to that. I'm not gonna do any vocal accompaniment to it, but pretty good guitar. I've been practicing. Orny, if you talk over the guitar, that is vocal accompaniment. Oh shit.

Dago Bear, is Orny playing the guitar and just talking about how he plays the guitar? Is that a sermon? What are we supposed to learn? What are we supposed to do? I've seen worse, you know, honestly. There was an entire time, it was like three hours and we had to be outside in the blistering sun. And then it was six hours of manual labor. And then, you know, that's a really long time to listen to one song on the guitar. You know, at some point, my knees were ready to give out,

but my spirit was ready to get out first. You know what I mean? And on the third day, I learned this chord. This is approaching it though. I just want that stated. Yeah, it's not great. Yeah, it's getting there. Really feels like he's fishing here.

So 40 seconds of Arnie is almost equal to three hours of previous works. Interesting, interesting. Arnie, you were saying? Three hours and six hours later. So nine hours of work. Nine hours? Yeah.

Oh, I gotta put this guitar away. My hands are cramping up. Oh! Oh, wow, that was a great song. That was so great. Did I mention how great your eggs and bacon were? Just just phew. Oh, thank you.

Do you feel satiated? Is there anything else that we can get you on Oni's dime? Oh, wow. I've never been offered this much food, you know? It's like, you know, growing up in royalty, everyone's like, wow, you must have such a good life. And meanwhile, you're sitting there just being like, you know, if I knife one of my sisters, then I might be able to eat the snake that like got into our room. So yeah, whatever you guys have,

like I'm just so grateful to be here. Sure. And I just want you, I'm coming around on this as well, because I also believe in supporting religion. We want you to just have good feelings about us and we're not asking for anything in return. But just, you know, hypothetically, if everyone above you in the lineage died and you became Queen of your kingdom, just keep us in mind. That's all I'm saying.

of your kingdom. Just keep us in mind. That's all I'm saying. Of course. Yeah, for sure. Anyone who offers me free eggs, I have a warm place for them in my paladin heart. I mean, I can't interfere with my sworn mission or anything to find blessings. But yeah, but just so you know, it's a lot of people who would have to die above me. Like I've never thought about it or a plan or anything like that, but it would have to be like quite a few, cause you'd have to pick out like also like, you know, the people who support them, some of that, some houses and stuff.

So just, yes. You said you've never thought about it, but you did mention knifing your sister, I think just a second ago. Yeah, but that was different. That was, that was for food. so one of us could eat that dinner. You know what I mean? Oh, that was purely for the food.

Yeah, exactly, sister vs. sister, you know, one time we fought over rats, like. So. Well, I have to say, though I still don't know what god you swear fealty to. If it helps, I would also swear fealty to this god or goddess. It doesn't matter to me. I believe in the goddesses and everything is under their purview.

So if they made a thing, it's gotta be all right. I mean, listen, my goddess is selective, you know? I mean, listen, my goddess is selective, you know, so you kind of have to show like you understand what's going on. You have to be with it. You know, we kind of have to go through your who you prayed to before and just make sure that, you know, we're looking for some really specific vibes and some very specific thoughts. And so I'm not saying no, I'm just saying honestly, like, but honestly, like, once you meet my goddess, you're going to be just like, amazing.

I mean, I would literally give anything to have heard her for the first time, because it's just going to like, blow your mind. But we just we just got gotta work our way towards it. Do you know what I mean? Sure, I mean, I think I probably am out at, you have to be with it. Everything after that was sort of, you know, icing on the cake.

But maybe Chantorani, I don't know. Give us one, here's some more eggs. Arnie, you throw it under the table, under the table. She sure. Here, what is it? She housed those eggs. Yeah, I was gonna say one. Do you see how she eats eggs?

Yeah, she slurps them in one big slurp. Yeah, she swallows them whole and just goes. That's pretty impressive. Two, what were we saying earlier that everyone wants? What they can't have. We have to get into this exclusive goddess. We have to. Yeah, I'll be a wizard paladin.

I'll cross classes. I don't give a shit. Yeah, we gotta get our name on that list. It just seems, it sounds so cool. We gotta get in this religion. Arnie? Yeah, on my world, all the religions are like, we want you to be a part of it. That turns me off. But if I can't be a part of it, I want to be.

Also, there's like no proof of the religion on your world, which sucks. Yeah. So weird. Okay, okay. Hey, uh, Adega Bear. I mean, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey your world, which sucks. Yeah, so weird, okay, okay? Hey Daga bear. Yeah, I mean I don't know oh boy We don't really care but Could we could we go ahead and get in this religion or whatever I did doesn't matter. Yeah, we're being very casual about it

Okay, cool. Cuz like you don't want the people who are like enthusiastic you know what I mean like you want people who are just like gonna be like standing outside and like they listen and they're they just like nod their head a little bit, you know Because like you know like when you go to you know like live music at like a cooler Tavern or whatever and you see those people who are like really into it and you're like Eww, and then you see people in the back who are like, yeah, that's cool. Like that's- Like at Funa Penuna?

Yeah, yeah, Funa Penuna. Exactly, that's literally exactly it. Or Othcella, you know? Oh yes, yeah. Or Othcella is where all, anyone who takes an oath goes to Othcella. Yeah! But it's not even about the music.

Like if you asked anyone who went to Othcella about the music, they'd be like, huh? Look, I hate to spread gossip, but I kind of heard Oathchella wasn't very good this year. What? No, no. Oathchella's great, and it's because it doesn't try. You know what I mean?

Like the less that it tries, the more I think like, wow, you're taking your oath seriously. I'm sorry, I just heard that people weren't happy with the grime at this year's O. Chela. That's what I heard. Well, you know, people are too clean these days, honestly. Like, I feel like the more dirt, the better. You know, yes. Dago Bear, I don't know if you went to pitchfuck this year.

So filthy. Oh, I used to go. But like, I don't know. It's like so played out now. You know, I mean, yeah, same. Yeah, it's like it like I went't know it's like so played out now you know yeah I mean yeah same yeah it's like it like I went there before everyone else went there and I was like oh this is amazing and then like everyone showed up and I was like who are you are you even fucking a pitchfork like what is this yeah yeah Chuntz and I went ironically to make fun of it yeah that's it that's the best way you ironically fucked a pitchfork yeah yeah absolutely. Some things you just can't do ironically. I'm sorry. I rolled my

eyes the whole time. If you try, you can do anything ironically. Yeah. Arnie had to be there and you weren't. So forget it. Oh, I don't know when this velvet rope appeared around you. Could we, I see you have a list of names that your goddess might know. Can you check the list to see if our names are on there? Not that we care. Yeah, of course. I, you know, let me take a, I'll take a look at that list with, is that more bacon? Like, oh my gosh. It is more bacon. Well, that's a pig drinking at the bar, but we could kill it.

Oh, even better. I love when things are fresh. It's so nice. You know, didn't always get a lot of fresh stuff growing up. So it's really nice. Chunt, you keep this up. I'm gonna go slaughter that. Wait, isn't that Thomas Voolrie back from the dead? Chunt's a real friend. Oh, that pig is kicking the shit out of Huesedore. Oh, and it's gone. It is gone. Wow. That pig. That pig. Oh boy.

You try to eat someone who's just enjoying a drink at the bar and they get all pissed off at you. Wow. I've like never seen a wizard crumple so quickly at a like a club and hoof like, wow, that was like kind of impressive, you know, the way that you were just like, I'm not going to fight. Yeah. Well, in my defense, I'm not immortal anymore. And I got hit by lightning today. Yeah. Oh, not immortal. I'm gonna I will have to mark that down on the list because immortality is kind of like a cooler thing. Yeah, well, none of the wizards are immortal anymore and that's all because I broke a big rock.

I did it, I fucked them all up. Pretty cool, right? Yeah, totally. Immortality is cool. Arnie and I are immoral. Yeah, totally immoral. Almost amoral. We were talking about immortality, you idiots.

Right, so like morality has nothing to do with immortality. You know what I mean? The people who live the longest are always the worst. Well, I don't know about wizards or shapeshifters, but definitely people, which I am. Arnie is not immortal. He is amoral. Chunt also amoral. But are you immortal Chunt?

Um, I don't think so. Should we... You just shift into another thing and just kind of live forever? Um, I mean, I'd like to think that even if there's just a tiny speck of me left I could shapeshift back into a bigger size and be a full-sized me again. I'd like to think so. That's pretty cool. So like Wolverine rules. No, he's a badger. And you can't just say an animal.

Badger rules. Badger's rule. Wolverine's rule. Yeah, do Wolverines lay eggs also? Just curious. I'll order some more eggs. Eggs, sausage, bacon, the full-foodish beans, tomatoes, mushrooms. Oh, that chicken at the bar is kicking Ysitor's ass. Ysitor, I was just ordering.

I wasn't even trying to eat you. I'll have to mark that down. That was like very cool, the way that you just like had your ass handed to you by a chicken. Thank you. Well, why don't we take a quick break while we wait for the eggs and Digglebear, when we come back, maybe we can finally meet your goddess,

finally pay Fealthy, take an oath? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah! Yeah, totally, yeah. Yes! Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer

who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised.

The first person they'd look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels... There are murders in all of the books. ...that she was playing them out in real life? Follow Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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So Arnie, I just think maybe if you introduced me at the top, I could say my full name again and maybe do it for fortune sometimes. Just mix it up every once in a while. So that's okay. You know, sometimes I'm just sitting there and kind of like twiddling my thumbs, and plating and as I mentioned, I'm not immortal anymore. So, you know. So you need it is what you're saying.

Well, I'm aware of the passage of time more so than I used to be. And also Arnie sometimes introduce yourself. You deserve it, big guy. Yeah, introduce yourself. Wait, I think he does I do oh Also, don't be a daddy boy the reason I don't introduce you is because I am also aware of the passage of time Shade don't have so much of all right Dago bear you've eaten

87 eggs now. That's, I'm starting to hear your armor groan a little bit. But undo that, not belt, undo that, what is that? It's a girdle, it's a holy girdle. A holy girdle? Yeah, well you have to be outfitted. Well you can choose not to be outfitted, but I find that when you outfit yourself,

you just look the part a little bit more. Again, the humble part, not like the flashy part, not the ones that are like clean and have like shiny armor, but the ones that you're like, oh, this paladin does stuff. They work, you know? I love to thrift armor. I'll go to like an old dungeon and I'll just be like,

oh, there's some stuff in this chest. I guess that's mine now. So I just thrift it from, you know, dungeons and temples and things like that. I just love to thrift armor. Pretty cool, right? Absolutely. Yeah, I mean, I love a good thrift. I love like fighting people on the side of the road

and being like, oh, look, some stuff. And then I take their stuff. And it's, I think it's a great system. Yeah Wait, are these living people or the or the corpses of people that you've just found? I'm not really interested in that distinction. So Okay, I guess life exists on a spectrum. So I fuck me. What am I doing? Right? Right and the spectrum is free armor for you, right? Okay, okay. Oh you sir. Did you say fuck me? Let me get the pitchfork here See Arnie it can be ironic

I've actually seen you know like people who doing it with like a little less enthusiasm, so. Oh. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. You know, he looked very like, please. Of course. Who ever thought enthusiasm was gonna be my downfall? Well, Diggle Bear, you know what? I've sort of, I was very excited to learn more

about your goddess, but I guess I've, during the break I started to hear whispers that maybe your goddess is over. What? Wait, wait, wait. Who said that? Was it the chicken? Was it the pig? I'll kill them. Who said that? That's crazy. That's nuts. It wasn't like a specific person. It was just more kind of like taking the temperature of the room, you know? I did kind of a vibe check. This room sucks. Like I don't the vibes are off, you know, so like like no one here would go to Oath Chela, you know, they wouldn't even get in they would like look at them and be like wow on Oath,

on Chela, nothing. So I, you know, no my god, this is like super cool and super here and super like a thing. So that's ridiculous. Dago Bear, it's okay. It happens to all of us and super like a thing. So that's ridiculous. Dagger bear, it's okay. It happens to all of us. You love a goddess. You love a goddess and then you meet some people who are a little bit younger than you and they're like,

oh, you still listen to that goddess and follow her teachings. Oh, like they listen to goddesses and gods you've never even heard of. And you're like, what? I've heard of literally every goddess. So that's ridiculous because I have heard it and you're like what? I don't know. I've heard of literally every goddess so that's ridiculous because I have heard it you know from like the like first pressings of goddesses to like you know like the like the types of sermons like I'm like

really careful about like what I solicit into. Bagel bear bagel hey, you got real sweaty. It's giving ick, okay? That is, that, it's not true. I really don't sweat at all. That's ridiculous because I sold my sweat glands. So it's like, it's so wild of you to say this. Hey, Dago Bear, you don't have to glisten to be sweaty. You know what I'm saying? You know, I, wow, this bacon is so good. I think I'm just gonna just.

Yeah, why don't you just finish that up? I think that'll be the last of the bacon. She rolled out the bacon in the shape of an egg and swallowed it. I just wanted to say, you know, the good thing is, once you're realizing your past, is you can really start to appreciate the classics. You know, there's Fu and U and Un, the three goddesses who created and begat all of the other gods and goddesses,

and demigods, and centaurs, and stars, and everything in the universe. Right? They invented eggs. One day, they just sat down and thought, what if there were eggs? And then there were. Pretty cool stuff, right? Yeah, of course, because eggs are amazing. They're they're like literally like nature's miracle. And and I just I love the all the goddesses, you know, when they fucked and create the world, I was like, yes, yes, girls. Yes. So like I correctly gave myself to the right goddesses is what I'm trying to say and nothing has ever changed about that

I think I figured it out You worship a breakfast goddess Bob Evans the breakfast goddess How did you guess that that's what no one has ever guessed that and listen like okay like No one has ever guessed that, and listen, okay, yes, okay. Technically, Bob Evans is sort of being held hostage underground by some of the other gods of food, you know? And so it's been kind of hard, but my god will escape any time now.

And they're so cool. They're like, you know, god of waffles and stuff. Like how do you fight that? You know what I mean? So like any minute now, you know, they're gonna rise up, you know, and it's gonna be, you know, fuck orange juice. That's what I'm saying. The goddess of orange juice can literally fuck herself.

Yeah, everyone loves breakfast, but there's, I don't even know if Bob Evans could defeat Elevenzeez, the goddess of brunch. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You think Elevenzeez is cooler than the OG breakfast? Breakfast and lunch. Which is unholy and wrong, just so we're clear. Everything about that is just like, why would you do that to yourself, you know?

No, what's unholy and wrong is Snakula, vampire of little bites, to tide you over. We will not speak of Snakula. I spit on their name. Is it possible the problem is that the goddess of breakfast, it's just too broad of a category. Like in this day and age, a deity just has to niche down to like a smaller subcategory. Uh, my god, my like, leech does not need to think about marketing or like considering, you know, all of what things haven't changed. Like, like my god is like super inclusive and thinks about like all types of like morning based foods.

So like I- Super inclusive, but won't do brunch. Now brunch is a sacrilege. Sacrilege? Sacrilege? Yeah, yeah, it's wrong. What is that, though? Yusiter, are you okay?

I got hit by lightning. And he got his ass kicked by a pig and a chicken. Yeah. Oh, and you fucked yourself with a pitchfork. Yeah, I'm in bad shape. I'm in by lightning. And he got his ass kicked by a pig and a chicken. Yeah. Oh, and you fucked yourself with a pitchfork. Yeah, I'm in bad shape. I'm in bad shape. You're doing so bad. Sacrilegious? Is that what it is? Is that religious?

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, because it's unholy because there should be strict delineation between when you eat in the morning, when you eat in the afternoon, and when you eat in the evening. And I will occasionally allow for, you know, like a little, the goddess of tea time, you know, is like pretty cool. Like, I thought about, like, being on her charge and stuff, because I really think, like, scones are kind of a cool addition. But I'm really here for my god, and I'm admitting now he's gonna free himself, or she's gonna free herself from the chains,

and, you know, come and smite us all. So I'm really excited for the end of the world with breakfast. Yeah. I sort of agree with Ani. I think you really got to narrow down. And I think this tea time goddess could be really good for you. I think you could also think about pairing that with someone like Lactania, Queen of Creams.

And then she can really put a lot of flavor into it at tea time. Lactania, Queen of Creams, should go on March Magic next year. Noted. What about Mama Mimosa? Here we go again. There's another goddess. What other goddesses do we know? Bloody Mariosa?

I mean, there's a ton. Is there a goddess of snacking way too late at night? Oh, totally. Smecula. Also, Nagle Bear, not to correct you, but it's, um, Bloody Mary-O-Sah, not Bloody Mary-O-Sah. Are you correcting the way that I am speaking? Oh my god, this mic is so rude of you

with your little whiskered face to tell me what is going on. Oh no. My god. Oh no, her sword is drawn. Her sword is drawn. No, no, no, no. Let's all calm down here and let's just enjoy some breakfast.

Why don't I order us another round of eggs and bacon and toast? Would that make everyone happy again? How many eggs? As many as you like. Well make everyone happy again? How many eggs? As many as you like. Well, let me check. How many eggs do we have left? The chicken just flipped me off.

Oh, flipping off with a wing, that is tough. It is. But somehow, we can tell. No, you know they mean it. Adago Bear, I have to apologize. And also, I wanna compliment your sword. I've never seen a buttered sword before, but of course, one who serves a breakfast goddess might have a buttered sword before, but of course, one who serves a breakfast goddess

might have a buttered sword. Mm-hmm, yeah. It, like, in the morning, you just wake up, I just, like, open the sword and I'm like, ah, it's like the smell of breakfast, you know? It's the smell of my god. My god smells like butter. I just realized, that's not dirt on your face,

that's maple syrup. Mm-hmm. I make it myself. You look like you're stuck to that chair. Did you rob those people on the side of the road? I can move anytime, first of all. I make it myself. You look like you're stuck to that chair. Did you rob those people on the side of the road? I can move anytime first of all. I'm not stuck to this chair.

And yes, sometimes my skin is sticky, but that is just how normal people's skin is. And to answer your question, Mr. I can't find a piss mattress because whatever. Okay. Sometimes the people are dead and sometimes the people are not dead. And I think it's important that, you know, breakfast is a dish that can be experienced anytime, but technically I prefer it in the morning.

And we should all be as inclusive as Bob Evans. That's a beautiful sentiment, but I can't condone the innocent attacks upon people simply traveling down the road to have their armor and such stolen from them as someone who stands up for the causes of righteousness. I must remind you that breakfast is a dish best served cold.

Sorry, I didn't get that last part, what'd you say? I said very dramatically that breakfast is a dish best served cold, and then I remembered that's not true. That's right. Yeah, that's not. That's like objectively wrong. I got that wrong, sorry. Grittle cakes.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I admit it. I got it wrong. Also, I've met the god of cold, Frieza, and like he also sucks just all the time. So, you know, I've met a lot of gods and there's like such a quality difference. You know what I mean? Sure, yeah. Yeah, there's some that you're just like,

why even bother being a god? Like I met Petunia, the god of pebbles, and I was like, do we need that? Someone's already covering rocks and mountains, like pebbles are just like a subset of that. Why are you named after a flower? That doesn't make a lot of sense. There's just like, there's a lot of holes

you can poke into that. And you wonder like, why did, but then I remember, the goddesses have a reason for everything. And in their grand scheme, they decreed there must be a petunia, god of pebbles. I don't know why. Oh, pebbles for breakfast. I don't question about it, you know?

I met a couple of the moss gods and let me tell you, talk about exclusive, okay? Like, some of the, mycelium, some of the fun guys, they're not fun guys, let me just say that, okay? Oh, yes. Well, I want to tell you this, Dago Bear. We are putting together an alliance to fend off the upcoming wizard's wall.

You are both a mighty fighter, a paladin, fighting in the name of Bob Evans, and you are also a distant heir to a throne. I don't think we ever found out what kingdom that was. Is that Spelanchula or Freedamere or? I mean, it doesn't really matter. It's just like- Cool, cool, cool, cool.

I didn't really care. I wasn't trying to be interested. So it's not a good one. It's not a good one, is what it sounds like. No, it's like good. It's like good is subjective, right? Like good is not always what you're thinking. Like some people think a good kingdom

has like a lot of riches and like- Yeah, and it's popular and it makes a lot of money but that's it's people but that's how you're defining success Arnie in your fast-paced world and your go get him type a personality yeah sure that's that's what Arnie would think is successful but perhaps there's another definition of success that you should consider so my point was please Dagobare, will you join our quest? If we call upon thee to come back and aid us in our fight against the wizards? Will you aid us? Will you?

Oh, he's getting older. Wow, he really needs to recharge. I'll think about it. Not that this is like what it would hinge on, but like, would you serve like eggs to your like Allies in this upcoming war. This war that may decimate all the food We will insist that there is crafty. Yes. Oh low there shall be bananas There shall be eggs. There shall be power bars. Aye, there shall even be sweeted pastries. And at the lunching time, a buffet heated and warmed

of many meats and vegetarian options. Ooh. Who's gonna pay for all that? Pass around the collection plate directly to Arnie. Give what you can. So Dago Bear, what do you say? Yeah, you had me at selection of baked goods. Oh great, okay. Then forget the rest, then forget the rest.

No, no, I think eggs are important, but it's not the only thing that it would hinge on, but just so I'm clear, is this going to require a lot of time, a little time? What are we thinking? Oh, well, based on the pace of this show so far, I would say over the next couple of years, there'll probably be a war.

Yeah. And that it will talk about it a lot and then it'll happen in like an hour. Yeah, like one or two episodes. But with like 20 people. Totally, absolutely. I feel like that's kind of 20 people. Yeah, totally. Absolutely. I feel like that's kind of how most wars happen. Definitely like a lot of buildup and then it's like over in an hour kind of thing.

It's just like Oathchella, honestly. Yeah, a lot like that. Yes, a lot like Oathchella. Yeah. Well, Dago Bear, thank you so much for helping us. And I want to say Paladin, you know, I feel like that evokes dinnertime Paladin. So maybe you're a Palabrek Palafast.

Palabrek sounds really good. And you know what? Listen, any moment now when my breakfast God is free from eternal torment and chains and comes and rains down blood and coffee upon everywhere and everyone is like bathed in, you know, drowns in maple syrup and I don't know, maybe a side of lemon poppy seed pancakes get crushed up beneath or something. It's gonna be wonderful. You're gonna see the vision. Now I want blood and coffee.

Arnie, could you make a pot? She evil. Ask her, Arnie ask her. No, I'm just gonna play the guitar. Oh. Ask her. Ernie, ask her. No, I'm just gonna play the guitar. Aaaaaah! I hate that the need for this keeps arising. Ask your doctor before you add blood to your coffee. Blood coffee may not be appropriate for all listeners.

There, legal kept at bay for one more week. Usado the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Dago Bear the Paladin was played by special guest Shoo Mason. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by feeding a series of obscene and contradictory prompts into chat GPT? Wait that's not right.

Ah, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Each of you is unique and special to us as a big box of Styrofoam packing pellets. Supporters such as Shanks, off to a great start, Jasmine Clayton and Randy Clefus of Percy's Peach Pit. Eureka! Brian Whipple. Martina Tingley. Sydney. Jane. Sally, Paul, and Brewster. Please let that be punky. Sonny and Britt. Aiden Q. David C. The C stands for Chunt. Actually David the C stands for come on, Admiral Tyler Rayburn, commander of what we'll never know, Yusi Nagayan Nivechi, Nicholas McNabb, John Michael Cope, Andy P, Justin Bergeron, Jonathan Farris, Beckha, and Colin Hathaway. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog including all the previous spin-offs,

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Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Hello from In 2001, less than a month after the 9-11 attacks, the US and allied forces invaded Afghanistan. The goal was simple, hunt down Al-Qaeda and its leader, Osama bin Laden, and unseat the Taliban government that sheltered him. But even though the Taliban was quickly removed, negotiating an end to the war turned out to be a much bigger challenge. Despite some of the world's best negotiators working tirelessly for peace, all sides were never able to come to a negotiated agreement, and in 2021, 20 years after being ousted from power, the Taliban took back control of Afghanistan. So why did some of the world's smartest and most experienced negotiators fail for 20 years to mediate a peace deal in Afghanistan? The Afghan Impasse, a special seven-episode edition of The Negotiators, a podcast from

Doha Debates and Foreign Policy, looks back on the players, politics, and strategies that contributed to one of the biggest failures in modern peace negotiations. You can listen to The Negotiators, The Afghan Impasse, exclusively on Wondery+. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.