Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 13 - Forest Fairy (w/ Kate Lambert)

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

A tiny forest fairy is tired of being so magical.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiEfferline Effervescence: Kate LambertMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Benji KayAdditional Sound Design: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get your podcast. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And I mean genuinely not real. Not fake in the way there can't possibly be that many interesting, complicated people for Ira Glass to chat with. By means of a segue, here's what's written on this next card. Looking for a different way to listen to Hello from the Magic Tavern? Sorry, I just felt a great disturbance in the force as if millions of people had cried

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A weekly podcast from the magical land of FUN. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wanderlost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as, by my co-host, Chump the Talking Bandit. Chump the Talking Bandit.

Ugh, oh, Arnie, I can't, I can't get them. I try it, I can't get your swords out. I'm sorry, buddy. I know, just, literally all season. It's been months and months. I've had these crisscross swords on my back and I cannot get out of their... Saber?

Scabbards? What are these things called? Well, sabers go in scabbards. Okay. Well, I can't get them out. I can just kinda shink-shink them out just a little bit, but they just won't come out. Hmm. Maybe, have you tried pulling both at the same time?

Maybe it's, maybe instead of like swinging like a sword, maybe you're supposed to snip-snip like scissors? John, you know I don't like to use both of my arms at the same time. That takes so much energy. Yeah, no, of course. I'll try it, I'll try it. One, two, three. Oh!

You kind of lifted yourself out of the seat. That was impressive. Wow! I pulled my entire- Whoa! Am I levitating? It's like you're puppeteering yourself. Arnie, this is incredible! Holy cow, imagine what I could do if I could stick my own hand up my ass.

Hmm. I mean, okay, closing my eyes and I'm imagining. I'm also joined by my other co-host, who gets real pissy if I don't introduce him early enough, but I'll do it this time, for just this once, Eucidor the Blue! I am Eucidor, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakas, the elves know me as Feangalic, the dwarves know me as Zonin and Hoogstengis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar, and there may be many other secret names.

Don't be a daddy boy. Names now that are so powerful that they might even destroy me since I've lost my immortality. Have you tried pulling hard on the swords? I mean, I try to pull just enough. Because if you pull one of those swords out and hold it aloft and say the magic words,

by the power of Skull Master, why, you might turn into a very powerful muscular man. Wait wouldn't I turn into skull master then? It seems like you would right? Yeah you would think so. But but it doesn't work that way. And skull master I gotta say skull master super powerful. His thing was like he could control anyone's skull.

Yeah that's- Which that's that's a tough power to beat. Yeah yeah. What can you control to do? You can make people talk so like he could make people's jaws move Well, I guess he couldn't make the voice come out, but he could make their jaws Yeah, that's so Bite their own tongue. Yeah, that's not yeah make their head spin around all the way

Yeah, Arnie Arnie all the way all the way. Yep Make their head go pop come off go pop, come off the top. Pop come off the top? Crush their head, sort of like a crunch inward. What else? I've always thought if I just removed my skull, I could finally go defeat Skull Master. Why, you know, we've been talking about Skull Master

for years and years. What are we just gonna go and defeat Skull Master? I have to get my skull out first. Also Arnie, I hate to break it to you. I don't know if you've looked out the windows, but we're actually in the Meandering Meadows, which is kind of like a vacation spot. So I think we just take it easy this week.

Okay, I'm cool with that. I'm cool, yeah. Because I was gonna spend a lot of time giving exposition about how we're trying to build alliances to fight off the wizard. But do we want to just just chill out and be on a vacation this week? Let's just let's have some beers, right? Yeah. Eat some jerky.

Yeah, that's all sounds fun to me. We don't have to do the heavy lifting of like explaining that you're now getting a Wi-Fi signal probably from the Crafty Beaver instead of the Burger King all that sort of thing or talk about how you angered Tom Blaine Belroth the king of the Northeast Probably sending assassins out to kill me. Oh, that's fun You've got to get that magic sword out and hold it aloft and say the magic words Here's the thing

I don't know that these are magic swords or I wouldn't have said that until the fact that, watch this, if I try to pull, if I pull myself enough, floating up in the air. Oh, I love that. I love it. I look like a TikTok video where the person like edits really fast so they just, they're constantly jumping but you only see them in the air. Hey, Isidor.

Yeah, yes, John. Do you think it's weird that Arnie has started to say TikTok instead of time? I've noticed that. If I'm not ready in the morning, he's like, TikTok. This is just like TikTok. I have noticed that. I'm like, why is he talking about it all the time?

It's so weird. I'm thinking about outlawing it. What? You're gonna outlaw me saying TikTok? That's right. That's my favorite thing to do right now. It's the way I communicate with young people. Well, Arnie, we have to focus on the important tasks at hand.

There's so much danger in the world. Why with the war of the wizards, on the precipice of breaking out everywhere, and animals everywhere. You guys heard about the animals? It seems like we're not hearing back from any of the animals. Well, it seems like there's a lot of like, contention between different groups of animals,

and they're really mad. Yeah, all the animals seem super pissed off. I gotta talk to Extraordinary Boris, the moose. Guys, for an episode where we're on vacation, we're talking about a lot of exposition. It's a very block-heavy episode. Sorry, we're on vacation. Speaking of animals, I brought a deck of cards,

and we're gonna play a game. Arnie, you're not gonna know this, but this is a game called You Cur, or You Mangey Cur, depending on how sort of matted the dog's fur is. So in You Cur, I'm gonna deal out some cards. All right, I know how to play. Let me go to the bar. Do you have anything to drink?

Well, let me come to the bar with you, because I don't trust your orders. You don't remember what I want a lot of times. What? You always want a King's Juice with cherry sauce. Ah, boy. Arnie, you hear't remember what I want a lot of times what you always want a king's juice with with cherry sauce Boy, Ernie you hear that cherry sauce. That's raspberry, dude Totally different Arnie watch it. Let's all three go to the bar and let's grab a drink All right, just plop down here, Okay, and let's keep dealing out the cards

An explosion glitter I got glitter my mouth what is Hello, oh Ernie one of the cards came to life or something Well, there's a tiny little there's a tiny little voice somewhere in this cloud of glitter. I'm trying to wave some of it away Identify yourself tiny voice. Hello. My name is Eveline Ephemysins Pleased to meet you although I already know Chunt My goddesses Eveline how long has it been? Well, I think it's been about

27 months. That's right. Yeah, it's just over two years Well, yeah, the math is tough on the hook. Eveline. I just want to I am so sorry I didn't send you a crow or a letter. I'm so sorry. What? Why are you sorry? You lent me your shoes, which was so kind of you, But I have to thank you actually because by lending you my shoes Everyone noticed that I am the force very with these smallest feet in all of food a very very desirable quality Oh, so it worked out and guys I should say I should say I met Efrilline and I didn't have any shoes I had to walk across the bog and so I shrunk down real tiny, wore her tiny little shoes.

And then when I made myself big again, I couldn't find the shoes. They were so tiny. I looked for days. And they were very, very nice shoes. Yeah. They were made from rose buds. Oh, I am. You're going to be 80 years old on your deathbed being like oh those shoes those shoes

You know I can always make a new pair, but I have to tell you something I have never met a badger who enjoyed wearing flower shoes so much it was Absolutely glorious to see thank you. Yeah, I just felt very confident and I feel like my calves were really excited. Anyway, um, Eveline, this is two of my best friends. This is uh, Usador the blue, the wizard. Ah, pleasure to meet you. Oh shit, now I know what it's like to be introduced second. And you? Well, hold on. Eveline, why don't the three of us talk for a little bit?

Okay. You, me, and Usador. That'd be wonderful. Oh, that's fine. I'm gonna have to wait over here to be introduced? Okay. If you want some privacy, I'll throw up some glitter. Oh, thank you. Well, I was very excited to hear about your rose petal shoes. I imagine Chunt was very cute wearing them, but I imagine you with your tiny little miniature fairy feet would be even cuter.

Ah, me? Yes. I've never met someone who liked to talk about feet so early on in a meeting, but let me tell you, I'm thrilled. It's kind of his thing. Would you all like some honeysuckle brew? Oh, yes. You can make some honeysuckle brew for us?

I mean, it might be hard for us to drink such a tiny drink, but we'd love to have some. Oh, yeah, I can make it bigger. Oh! There you are. Oh Chunt, if you've never had honeysuckle brew, it is the most delightful. It is sweet but not cloying. Satisfying but not filling. Oh, what a wonderful ambrosia you've created for us here today.

Fuck, I'm so thirsty for honeysuckle brew, but I haven't been introduced yet. I've never heard something described as satisfying, but not filling. That's, I like that a lot. Yes, it tastes great and it's less filling. We'll drink up. Oh, oh, thank, oh wow, you really did make this big.

Here's to, to, Efriline and to new trios. To Efriline. And feet. And to feet. And your feet. And Ysidor. or yes keep an eye out if the way to spot a rose bud shoe is the bottoms are red and the tops and sides are red and the inside of it is red and they're very coveted and it's made out of a rose and it's made out of rose it's already okay cheers cheers

hey you know what I should look for those shoes why don't you introduce Arnie and I'll go through this chest over here and see if I can find them. Maybe we've been carrying them around all this time. Oh, that is so good. You sort of described it perfectly. And as always, I'm joined by my other bud, Arnie the Earthling. Oh, hey.

I barely- Very nice to meet you. So back to the honeysuckle brew. So the thing about it is it's actually milked from a honeysuckle. But there's a hint of fairy pee. Oh. Whoa. Huh.

A hint of fairy pee? Arnie, try some. No, no, no. That's okay. I'm not thirsty. You said you were thirsty earlier. I swear I heard you. Yeah, sorry. I've had my- I've had- I've had my- I've hit- I've met my quota of fairy pee already for this month Oh, but on II you know how bees make honey How with their butts? Oh? Just what a fairy does when they make honey suckle brew. It's sterile no need to be worried

Plus it has a little bit of magic. Oh magic pee In the fairy culture we have invitations and it always says at the bottom, B-Y-O-P. Mm. And what does every letter of that stand for? Bring your own P. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh. When she said bring your own P,

the last letter was not just a letter again. It was P-E-E spelled out. I'm sorry, who is Arnie? Oh, hi. Arnie's a man from Earth. Hi, I'm Arnie, I'm from another world. Oh, you're the one that got introduced seconds. Yeah.

I know, the waning interest with each newly introduced person, I get it. Arnie, what do you think in the fairy world RSVP means? Resonde P. Wow, yikes. Rassonde Civil P. Oh, I'm sorry. Arnie, you were way off. I missed, I missed some.

You left some stuff out in the middle there. Yeah. Yikes. Well, here's the thing. Look, I don't want to drink fairy P because what if I like it too much? What if I like it too much? And then I'm just always jonesing for fairy P. Well, you're into water sports my dude, you're into wet play. Put down a tarp and relax. It's vacation week. Yeah. Talk about people's feet, drink some pee. You can always go further

into the meadow and visit the golden shower. Oh, okay. Arnie, find what you like. Earlier you said what if I put my hand up my own butt or whatever you said, right? So relax. We're in the mirroring meadow Take it easy. Take it sleazy Arnie. Find what you like dance like no one's watching Okay, and always wear your sunscreen. Have you been wearing sunscreen? Not in years. I always wear my sunscreen Not in years. I always wear my sunscreen. What? Sunscreen?

Arnie, what did you hear? When you anger the sun and it screams at you and sends lotion flying at you through the universe? Let's take a break. Arnie seems pretty confused. We'll grab some more of this delicious honeysuckle, Eferlene, and we'll be right back. I feel like I was blindsided. Because it's the competition show. From the producers of Jury Duty and The Bachelor. We have scoured the earth for the 14 greatest reality contestants that were available during our production window.

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Wow, Evelyn, I've got to say, this honey brew is delicious. Thank you very much. Honey suckle brew. I've made it for years. Years and years I'm immortal. Oh yes, that must be nice. Oh, I forgot you're immortal. I'm so sorry that I said when you were 80 on your deathbed earlier, I totally forgot

you're immortal. Oh, sometimes I wish I were dead. Oh, Efrilane. Oh. No, I just mean I'm sick of it. I'm just sick of being a fairy. Every morning I wake up the sun, then I come out from my tiny little daisy house, and I just have to do, I mean there are fun things to do as a fairy, of course.

I mean, I can trick travelers, I steal babies. Oh, sure steal babies. Oh, sure, yeah. But, you know, it's not all fun and games. You know, I've always wanted to ask, I know that fairies steal babies from time to time. What do you do with them? Yeah.

Just raise them as your own or? Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't want anything to do with a baby. I just want to have one for a little while and cause chaos. The most fun thing is to hear how sad the family is when they're looking for the baby. And then I take care of the baby for a little while, but then honestly the baby starts crying or needs something and babies do not like honeysuckle brew. So then I just sort of drop the baby off in a meadow and will I assume the baby has a

nice and fulfilling life? Yeah, I can't tell you enough every time I come to the meandering meadow there's kind of like a brook or a creek that runs through here. There is dozens if not hundreds of babies on like reed rafts they're just floating now just constantly. That's right. It is. I mean some people go there just to you know sort of adopt. It's almost a baby canal, and that's why we call it here the birth canal. Oh, yes. Yeah, a lot of good work the fairies are doing to help, you know, people lose babies and then get one if they lost one.

Exactly. We should also...there's one part of the brook that kind of ventures out into the ocean. It's sort of a sea section of the canal. Oh yes. And every once in a while a baby will go out that way and that's, you know, that's just part of it. That's just part of the process. But you do have to watch your step,

otherwise you're fallopian. Oh yes. Do any like fish breach? Getting introduced second really put you on your heels, didn't it, E. Camp? Oh. Arnie, what were you gonna ask? I was just gonna try to shoehorn the word breach in there but I didn't really have a... Oh no do it Arnie please do it. Go ahead

take your time we have all day. Yeah do you want to Eveline to say what she said again or like how can we set you up for this? No no no I'm good. Oh of course on the coast of the C-section Ar an either's a lot of sand Which would be you know where the land meets the water is a talking about? It's like a breach. Oh That would have been so good Arnie I am trying buddy. I I'm really off my game being introduced second Can I ask you about the sad one?

The one that's right here, the sad one. Yeah Arnie. This is Arnie, yeah. Is there anything I can do? That's a great question. I mean what, ooh, let's go through the litany of Arnie issues. Number one, swords are stuck. Number two, can't get back home to Earth.

Number three, in his head about being introduced second... Oh no, I can fix all of that. I just... I'm just tired. And to be honest, I'm kind of sick of using my powers. Oh my gosh. Immortal wants to be immortal. All these powers. Isador. I just want to do things that they probably do back where you from, Ani, is it?

Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. Where I'm from, we don't really do magic. We just kind of hang out, usually at home, sit on the couch. Home couch? magic we just kind of hang out usually at home sit on the couch home couch is your couch made of leaves and and um uh uh thistle no it's usually i mean it could be made of leather or it could be made of like a synthetic fabric synthetic but get this everlene Sometimes they're not sitting on the couch and they go to a different Building and they sit on a different chair and they call it an office

Office office, what do you do in an office? Office office. Yeah. Well you sit in a chair and you try to look busy until Time for lunch or time to go to the bathroom. And then you try to look busy again. And then you make honeysuckle brew with your bathroom dew. Huh. No? Toilet wine?

No. Have you tried, Arnie? Maybe that'd get you out of this funk. Maybe you should try to make some honeysuckle brew. I did really love that honeysuckle brew. Could I be making honeysuckle brew with my bath time dew? I think you should try. Yeah, try it out buddy.

What else do you do at the office, Ophis? Well, if you're really lucky, your office has a special room where there's snacks. Snacks? So if you're sitting for too long, you you're like I gotta get up and stretch my legs And then you walk over and get a bunch of snacks, and then you walk back to your chair Oh, they have a thing called a Snickers that Arnie brought with him from his world Oh my god, and it was a crazy thing I've ever seen in my life

It looked like a long turd, but it had peanuts inside. And I think Oni wrote the name on a wrapper, if I remember correctly. It's been a long time. It is the best thing I've ever eaten, and almost as good coming out as it was going in. I just gotta say. And indistinguishable.

See, that's what I want. I want to be where the people are. I want to see them working. Yeah, you should go to Earth, Efreline. Do you think they'd like me in a, I don't know. Ooh, that I don't, I guess you start, we've been there. I will say that glitter is very polarizing on where I come from.

Some people love it. The people who love it, love it a little too much. And then everyone else kind of hates it. Why do they hate glitter? Yeah, this kind of gets everywhere, makes people think you went to a strip club. That's what's fun about it. Arnie, you're telling me on earth that if a guy's walking through a crowd of people and he reaches into a bag and starts throwing glitter, you're telling me people are torn

on that? Well, yeah. It sounds like a ripping good time to me. Yeah, it sounds like a rip ripping good time to me. Yeah, it does but you gotta have a bit look if you have a Ridiculous mustache then maybe it's acceptable but otherwise It's just a mess. Oh Eferling can you grow a mustache? Oh, I can do anything look I've never said this before but that's a beautiful mustache. Thank you so much. It's almost like bull horns. That is outstanding

I can also use it to pick things up Wow and now the mustache is applauding itself. Oh now it's clasping its arms and doing sort of a hooray to side to side What's that called? Cheer? Just a cheer? Yeah, I don't know there's a word for that, especially when it's mustache related Yeah, picking up everything with your mustache and just giving everything a mustache ride. That's wonderful That's what we're here for now Eveline something you have to remember about glitter on earth is they don't have magic So they have to come up with very mundane and boring ways to make glitter out of, I don't know, paper or some crap. Uh, and then they throw it manually, uh, with their hands.

Uh, it doesn't just sort of explode out of a flower or appear midair in a beautiful puff of smoke. Oh, how sad. Isn't it sad? That's a good point. On my world, glitter is made artificially. What is this glitter? What is it made out of? Me! You?

Yes! They're pieces of me! Oh. I regenerate. Don't be frightened. Oh. So it's like dandruff kind of? Um, dandruff. Like the flakes people get who don't shower enough. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. And no, I... it's like... a hint of me. Hmm. A hint of you.

Arnie, it's sort of like when I cast a spell, and all the magic in the universe coalesces around me, and the forces of nature cannot resist my very call, and must do my bidding and my will and I Create something out of nothing. It's sort of like that. Oh a bunch of dandruff just shot out of your Speaking of weird stuff Chunt, I'm so sorry. I don't want to do this in front of anybody but then don't mention this for weeks There's something there's something in your nose oh okay a little did I get it yeah it's on your finger now oh I can get it with my mustache oh

you think there there you go here I'll hold it up with my mustache so you can see oh Oh what is that? It looks like it's a tiny shoe. Oh my god. Are the souls red? Oh yeah I was I was uh of course I'm in badger form so to find shoes I was sniffing for them you know to sniff the smell of a rose I must have just vacuumed those puppies right up. Those are my Christian thebut and Rosebots. You can tell, again, because the bottom is red, the sides are red, the top is red, the insides are red. Oh, here you go. Oh, I can't believe it.

I'm so overjoyed. I could just glitter. This is just one of the shoe though, it looks like. Yes, but with this shoe, I can use my magical prowess to cast a tracking spell that shall take us to the other shoe. Oh, this might hurt. Oh, find my shoe. Erotoro Korathara, harshen, kabling, dah, hee, hee.

What's happening to me? What's happening to me? Yifanya, Thor, Kor, Fa, Wa, Tan. Oh, sorry. What's happening to be? Be fun, you're so porfarr-a-ton! Oh, sorry, I just have to look like he's having so much fun I wanted to participate. No, that was perfect. Now do we have to listen to hear if the other shoe lets out a small beeping sound? Who should just come flying here towards the other shoe now? Oh, okay.

Oh, my eyes are watering. Oh, something, oh, I feel something, I feel some pressure behind one of my eyes. Oh, you should shape-shift and let whatever's happening Just pass Shift my eye inward Don't look in don't look in don't look in don't know what's going on with your face But a tiny shoe just came out of your butt mother fuck. I don't know if I want to wear that No, please. Evelyn, please. I hope you dance! Come on, here! Come on, here!

That would be charming. You ever just put your shoes on your hands and kind of wave them around? I don't know. Oh, for fuck's sake. Arnie, I've never heard you back off something quicker. I don't know, it's just... Kind of unreal. I mean, it was inexplicable that he said in the first

place yeah this takes very low gotta be going somewhere steaks could not be lower and you backed off mid word it was true oh god I really going being introduced second after this dipshit is just really got me in my head Arnie are you talking about Efriline or Ysidor? No, Ysidor, of course. Oh, thank goddesses. Well, I've spent many, many years being introduced second, and let me tell you, you really gotta bring the juice! I like how you start a sentence talking and then you finish it shouting.

Mm-hmm. Yes, I do that quite a bit of the time. It's very charming. Thank you. Well, I have to say, Eveline, what's very charming to me is that you're now wearing one shoe on your right foot and one shoe on your right hand. And I feel like it's a new fashion. Well, you've got to keep them even.

See, if one was on the left and one was on the right, my balance would be all out of whack. Yeah, smart. So I've just got to go of whack. Yeah, smart. So I've just gotta go this way. Yep, smart. And that's why you're, you know, on the cutting edge of fashion. You're a trend, sorry, Evelyn's a bit of a trendsetter here in the Meandering Meadow.

Thank you. I try, I mean, the thing is is that you look around you and there's just found things, you know? Here we're not into fast fashion. We like to look around and a walnut can become a skirt. Oh. The walnut is the perfect medium for the skirt because it just flows so easily. Mm-hmm.

And then if you sit down, it sort of rides up. That's fine. It shows everyone what you're working with. Oh. Well, we should also show everyone what we're working with and take a quick break. Oh, I need to put my eye back in. Yeah, I've been wanting to tell you to do that for a while. Yousner, are you suggesting that the ads

are the genitals of the podcast? Yeah. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard somebody say, call 911.

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that she was playing them out in real life? Follow Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. In 2001, less than a month after the 9-11 attacks, the US and allied forces invaded Afghanistan. The goal was simple, hunt down Al-Qaeda and its leader, Osama bin Laden, and unseat the Taliban government that sheltered him. But even though the Taliban was quickly removed, negotiating an end to the war turned out to

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Arnie, I know we're almost at the end of the episode, but should we just reintroduce ourselves in the correct order? I'm Etheline. Perfect. And I am Usador the Blue. And I'm Chunt. And I'm Arnie. Oh, shit. Sorry. That's okay. No, I don't know why I'm being so dramatic about it. It's fine. We're all, you know, we're all part of a team here making content together. I don't need to be introduced first, second, or third. I'd prefer not to be fourth, but even then that's fine. You know, I know I just met you and I know I'm not a human, but you are a little bit of a sad sack. What is it? What is it about you? What happened to you? What broke you?

Was it the office? That's a good question. It might have been the office. It just went on for so long. You know, I don't know. Lately, maybe I've just been a little off my groove. Have you ever kind of like gone into a new year and you're like, I'm gonna go out there. I'm gonna do good things I I was convinced I was gonna help fight off the wizards I was gonna make things better for fun. I was gonna be proactive for once Yeah, and then I feel like almost immediately I was just fucking stuff up

Well, just pull that sword out and say by the power of skull master become a big strong man Then pointed right at Chunt and then right Chunt into battle in his new battle armor. Oh That's a great idea. That's your solution for everything, Usador. Yeah! It's not a bad solution. It'd be a good one. If somebody just do it.

Yeah, we haven't tried it. E-Ephralene, what do you do when you're feeling sad or off, or just kind of not living up to the potential that you want to? That's a great question. Well, when I wake up in the morning after I've woken up the sun, I go down to a little buttercup, suck up some dew, and then I sing a little song with the birds of the forest. And then after that, I just go and I dance in the meadow and I sing a happy tune again. I see.

And then flowers grow and everyone chants my name. It's hard to be sad when everyone loves you. Yeah, sounds sounds like you have a drinking problem I had a clarifying question Hmm. I'm pretty sure you said you wake up in the morning after you wake up the Sun So you wake up the Sun while you're still fully asleep. That's right. You can you can literally do it in your sleep at this point That's what you're saying, right? Wow. Yes I believe humans have something like teeth grinding and for fairies, when we grind, the sun wakes up. And I gotta say, I have seen Efreline sing.

It is the most beautiful thing in the world. She sings with the birds, as she mentioned. The birds will open their windows, their birdhouse windows, and she will come in and fly and land on the birds, the tip of their feathers. On their plume, if you will. Thank you. On their plume. Huh.

And sing with them. It is... I wept. I wept when I saw it. Listen, I have such a beautiful voice, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I have such a beautiful voice that the birds get embarrassed to sing with me. Oh, I believe it. I believe it. I... It's just enchanting to hear you speak even oh, that's one thing. I'm so jealous of I wish I could hear me speak Oh, you can you're being recorded right now. Oh shit. I forgot to mention you're on a Earth podcast right now so imagine this you know we've been talking about this mundane world earth Imagine you were doing your dishes

You know we've been talking about this mundane world, Earth. Imagine you were doing your dishes. Dishes. Yes, you know how humans have plates and utensils and things that they clean here in this world? But on Earth when they do it, they have to listen to somebody talking about conspiracy theories or murders that can be solved. Oh, not me, I just sing a little tune

and it's done in a whistle. Oh, isn't that wonderful? So you sing a tune and then when you whistle they're done or You whistle during the tune. Oh, no, the whistle is a measurement of time in fairyland. It's done in a whistle I'll be there in a whistle. Got you and Eveline I Don't want to put you on the spot But these are two of my best friends if If you have like a little dishes song, like just even like two lines

or like a little limerick or something, I would, I just kind of want to show you off cause you're amazing. No problem. Yeah, we take like 16 bars on a monologue. Oh, how will these dishes I cope? And now it's all done with soap. Wow!

Whoa! Look, Arnie, all the tavern dishes are done! Wow! Holy cow! We haven't washed a single dish since we started this season. That's amazing! And they're all stacked? Wow!

You could eat off these plates. You could, just mind the glitter. Oh shit, they're covered. Yeah, that's baked in there. Ooh, that is baked in there. Ooh, that is big Yeah, that ain't coming out Eveline. This was effortless for you, which is delightful But you tire of having these wonderful powers and Arnie tires of being a human Here's what I think I think we should let Arnie wake up the Sun for a while and you host the podcast

What do you think? Oh, I'd love that and I can be introduced first. Yes, absolutely the podcast what do you think oh i'd love that and i can be introduced first yes absolutely oh yes yes arnie what do you think yes yes yes please arnie please i mean i guess i'm open to new things but i just want to make sure this isn't some sort of cursed pact where i'm going to end up being trapped as a fairy forever and and most importantly i'm not on the podcast anymore can i tell you something arnie all of this has been a ruse And the fact that I knew you would be here, and they actually contacted me beforehand. And so I was always meant to come here and take this from you. Oh. Yes, it's our vacation present for you.

Yeah, sorry. Um, Efreline is friends with Sarah Dipindee. And Sarah said that this was meant to happen. Oh. Okay. Do you know Sarah? Sarah Dippendi? Yeah, or do you know Chris, Chris Met? No. Or Twas, or do you know Twas?

Twas meant to be? Oh, no. Oh, do you know Deus Ex Machina? I do know Cole Wincedence. Nevermind. Oh, don't know him. Do you know Danu-ma? Oh, Daniel- Daniel, but he goes by Daniel-

Oh, Danu-ma. Danu-ma. Yeah, well he'll probably show up in, what do we think, the last three minutes? I do know his mother's sister, Auntie Climax. Arnie! Arnie! Good for you! Don't ask me how I know her.

Don't ask me how I know her. Don't ask me how I know her. I could guess. Well, I say we just make the change. Eveline, why don't you introduce the podcast? Let's start over. Okay, let's start over. Here we go. She brews a proper cup of coffee in a copper coffee pot. Okay, I'm ready. And I'm Eveline. And this is Chunt.

This is Yousadour. And I'm Eveline. And I'm Evelyn. And this is Chunt. This is Ysidor. And I'm Ethelene. And I'm Chunt. And I'm Ethelene. And I'm Ysidor. And our first guest on this first episode of Fairy Good is Ernie... Ernie, do you mind being the first guest? Can you be the first guest?

I mean, it is an honor to be asked to be the first guest. So, yes. So what's it like waking up the sun? Huh? Well, you know, I gotta... I do it in my sleep, so it's pretty easy. But it's important work. Sure.

I'm pretty important. Very important. Oh, sorry, that's the name of the podcast is very important very important very important and we talked to very important people and sometimes fairly impotent people like Arnie oh okay well and Arnie are you both one two both you know I can't count, but I would say some of those things. Well the sun also rises, but does... Oh no. Oh no.

So what do you like about being a fairy, Arnie? Do you like throwing glitter on things or stealing babies? Singing? Singing, yes. Yeah, Arnie can sing all the song. Oh, sure. I like to sing a little song. This is the song that I sing to wake up the sun. Oh, wake up sun. It's time to come out.

You gotta light up the day. You gotta sing and shout. Oh, well, there's more, but that's not enough, I guess. I'm so sorry, but when I sing about the sun, I love to say something about the sun coming. You're like, here comes the sun. And what I like to do is I surround myself with all these little beetles, these little beetle bugs. And they love to sing with me. Okay, let me try, let me try.

Here comes the sun, don't come yet sun, here comes the sun. Oh wow, the beetles are surrounding him. The night is not done, it's almost there, don't come yet sun, think about something else. Don't come yet son, little darling. What? Whoa Arnie, about two seconds into your song, song one of those Beatles got replaced by a different better beetle Well, I hope that Beatles gonna be okay I don't know if anyone will remember that beetle how already for forgotten about that beetle that would be a shame

That's for the best. Well Arnie. Um Do you have anything to plug as a fairy or? What do you what's what's next? Oh, what's next? Oh next oh what's next I'm gonna be hanging out on the flower petal and sleeping under a winking eye what Arnie I hate to put you on the spot but Eveline and Chant and I were talking before the show and we were hoping that you could make us some honeysuckle do Right here on the podcast we feel like our listeners it would just really delight them Okay, really sort of electrify our listenership not to put you on the spot No, that's fine. I'm

Can you just give me your empty cups And do you have to brew I think I've been brewing for most of this episode. I think it's about ready to go, I think. Do you get nervous? Should we turn around or something? Is it okay if we look at you? Everyone just make direct eye contact with me, but don't look anywhere else. That'll help. Okay. Well, let's make some noise because it's not coming out. Here comes the dew and I say suckle it up. So honey dew come now. Wow, the cups are full if you want to stop, well, whatever.

I can't stop when I start. Oh, it's scary. Someone get another cup. There you go, there you go, there you go. Couple more cups. Here it comes, can't stop. Somebody clean some mugs. Give me those glitter ones.

Someone get a bucket of somethings. It's really still coming. It's still coming now, little darling. Get that? Oh, Arnie, maybe try stop singing. Oh, yeah. Maybe try stop singing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh. That was unbelievable. There you go. Oh, and it's back. Oh, oh, oh, oh, boy. Hands back on. Arnie, hands back on. Hands back on.

This is a deluge of pee! Well, drink up! Good job, Arnie! Everyone, cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Arrrrgh! That tastes

nothing like honey-sauce! It's not a hint! It's not a hint! That's just piss! Nothing like honey Yeah, that's just piss what did we forget Just too much of one ingredient will really like overpower any drink really all right, it's skews and did you have garlic I Ate of so many things barricades. Yeah something Yeah, and also I drank a little bit of this so that probably doesn't help. That's right. Oh. It's really concentrated. Yeah. Oh boy. I think you might be sick. I think so. Yeah, there's a lot of ants racing to this village over here. No. It gets you here, it gets you right here.

It's just a really cool. Yeah. Okay, I don't, ooh, how to phrase this. Arnie, I love you so much. I could not love you more. I root for you, I support you, I love you. I don't think you're cut out to be a fairy. I think you have to come back to the podcast.

I think it's the best. You're good at the podcast. I think you're great at the podcast. Oh, thank you. You gotta come back. Would you come back? Yeah. And Eferlyn, you know, this was all done on a trial basis

and I hope you got some good experience under your belt and got to try out something other than just being an immortal fairy who wakes up the sun and steals babies and sings with the birds, but I think we're gonna have to let you go. Well, I know in a situation like this, it's best to be gracious, but I'm not, and I'm very angry.

Oh. Oh. And you will pay for this. What? I will never forget this. Oh boy. And I'm very angry. Oh. Oh. And you will pay for this. What? I will never forget this. Oh boy. And I will hunt you and trick you for the rest of my day. Oh fuck. I'm already the victim of so many tricks.

Uh, shit, Arnie. I've already got so many people trying to kill me, and now you've also got an immortal fairy trying to kill me? Oof. Arnie, the- I gotta- I gotta tell you, uh, you don't want a fairy after you. It is... Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad news. R.I.P. Arnie, I gotta tell you, you don't want a fairy after you. It is bad bad bad bad bad bad. R.I.P. Arnie. R.I.P. You know what that stands for?

No, rest in piss. That's right. Well, what can we do to make it up to you? There's a very handsome severance package. Oh! severance package. Yes, right here in this package, there's a let's see, there's a part of an arm and who some toes are severed from I don't know what a hoof. I don't know if that's a horse both for like a cedar or what? Oh, no, no, no, no, stop there. Okay, I'll take the hoof. I could make that a patio.

No, no, no, no, stop there. Okay. I'll take the hoof. I could make that a patio. Thank you. Oh, it's our pleasure. You're- you're welcome, yeah. Stave off the curse of a fairy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, this is wonderful.

Arnie, Arnie. Arnie, honey, get up. She didn't mean actually sleep in the piss. Rest in piss is like, it's a phrase. Get up, get up, please. I'm so tired. This episode has been going on. Yeah, don't lay down in that, don't lay down in that. We really marinated in it, didn't we?

Yeah, okay. Eveline, I have to ask you, we are putting together an alliance. Okay. An alliance of powerful royals, fighters, magic users like yourself, to stave off, I'm really into the word stave today, stave off the horrible advances of the wizards who are taking over various parts of food. Will you join us in defeating evil in all its forms? If you're busy, I don't wanna...

I don't want to pressure you. I'll do it, I guess. Okay, great. I don't have anything better to do. I can't steal babies anymore, it's exhausting. Well, they're so much bigger than you. They are, but I can also get bigger. I can. How big?

I can get to human size if I want to do. I just don't want to. Really? Yes. Here, I'll show you. That's impressive. Whoa! Whoa! Your shoes, the shoe on your foot in your hand exploded.

Yeah, those shoes are ruined. It also makes the mustache less fun. Yeah, it's real. I mean, it just looks like, just looks like one hair at this point. Yes, yes, kind of like, yeah, like a little just stray wart hair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's upsetting.

I noticed too that even though you got to this size, you kind of have the same amount of skin still and it's a really long stretch. Yes, it starts to sting when you get these. Yeah, I imagine. You kinda have the same amount of skin still, and it's a real hot, stretched real hot. Yeah. I imagine. Yeah, it's-it's-it's- Yeah, that'd be great. That's what I wanted to do. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Damn it. We walked right into that. Oh, we should have told her to keep it t'waite.

Uh, cause as a- cause the skin was so t'waite. Yeah, yeah. Oh, oh we- oh boy. Oh, I should just stop talking. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Uh, Efreline, thank you so much. Oh, no, it's- it's a promise. It's gonna be hard to fly with these skin faults. Oh, sure. Um, uh, you're a fairy. Uh, smile? You could just smile. Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, oh. Oh, fuck. No, fairies don't like it when you tell them to smile. Fuck shit. They also don't like it when you tell us what to wear. Like you did early in the podcast, when you kept insisting on talking about my feet and shoes. Oh. Usador. I thought it came up naturally in the conversation. Well, no, I just went along with it because I was uncomfortable.

Efrillin, I'm so sorry. These two... I'm so sorry. It's probably very natural for you to want to seek revenge on these two and to transfer any unhappiness you have with me over to them. They're really the ones you probably want to try to kill eventually. I think that's right. You're the sad one I just feel bad for. It's like it can't get any worse for you.

I'll leave you alone, but I will seek my revenge on the other two. Yeah, it's a better punishment to let me live. Chomp, we gotta find some pedal shoes. We gotta find some pedal shoes. There they go again talking about what I wear. I know, they're never gonna get it. I know they don't, they're never gonna get it. I know. Not like us fairies. Yeah and they thought that my hair that I got when I turned bigger was gross. Did you notice that when I got bigger they thought it was gross? Yeah these two,

they don't get it. They just want to use us for our piss and and that's it. They don't understand our struggle. We drink up the piss, but when it comes to serious matters, it's all down the toilet. Yeah, they come running to our door, looking for our piss. They, I don't even want to keep talking about it. I don't know why I keep, but you know what I mean. We understand each other, I think. We do.

Yeah, we're piss buddies. Yes. Yeah. Hey, Usador. Yeah. I feel like I kind of got acclimated to Arnie's piss. It's kind of good, right? Am I crazy?

Kind of sweet and sour, sort of a will-be, won't they? Am I crazy? Kind of sweet and sour, sort of a wealthy won't they? Am I crazy? I think you have a lot of complicated feelings about Arnie. Tasted like a cup of piss to me. I can try it again. Ha ha ha, tricked you. Tricked you. Yes! Yes! Why'd I take such a big swallow? Oh, I love riding swallows. Oh, I love birds

Oh, I forgot, uh, Eveline you said or you both love birds I don't you know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't try to have us have something in common now It's too late Chunt. Sorry Well, we're all magical creatures chunks of shape shifter. You ship shifted your shape I Can make glitter I suppose. Oh You're off to Rome. It's not as nice as yours. I know but it is still nice. It's a heavier grain glitter It's a heavier grain. Yeah, it's like a coarse salt easier to get out of the carpet not as fun

No, no, no, but still nice almost like a coarse salt. Easier to get out of the carpet, not as fun. No, no, no, but still nice, almost like a confetti. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, that's the end of our episode of Magic Tavern, but if you want any Fairy Important merch, go ahead and go to fairyimportant.fairyimportant.fairy, and you can pick that up there. Oh, and of course, uh,

Efreline will be sending you, um, one third of that, uh, uh, profit. Oh, thank you so much. Even though we're at war, I would never deny you any profit. I'm just glad that I'm finally getting equal pay. Shit. If you need help killing them, thank you. You just let me know. Oh, we'll be in touch.

I know what will change our mind about killing us. I got us these t-shirts that say content team. No? You know, I... I have to go. I think I do want to steal a baby right now. To get your Content Team T-shirt, simply check any local thrift store in about 10 years. Yuzuru the Wizard was played

by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rifai. Eferlene Effervescence, the Forest Fairy was played by special guest Kristin Chenoweth and a Tank of Helium. Wait no, it was Kate Lambert. Kate is currently writing and producing on a new show called The Z-Suite for 2i that comes out next year. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Vouter from the Netherlands, James J. Jazz, private eye if your special someone was killed by music,

Angela Francis, Sean Cuterelle, Dan Klein, Louis Garcia Henry Pillows The Lady Dragon Bjorn Vonder Austin Elan

Preston James Ryan Joswack Mitchell Angus Crepuscular Connor Richie Morris Khaki Hannah Banana Chris

Lilo Moe Abedatha the Orange Well, look who's trying to get wrapped up in the wizard war. Christopher Jenoween and Tristan W. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, where Arnie and Adol try to plan some nice birthday surprises for

Matt Young's upcoming 50th birthday. Well, I'm interested in making some not better choices by using this as an opportunity to make some content on the Patreon where Adil and I just have some discussions where we try to figure out how best to celebrate you for your birthday. Now maybe that will be just like we get you a gift card to Golden Corral, maybe- Hold on, hold on.

Take you out to dinner, yeah? I would love that. Fuck, well that's the episode. That's it. I would love a gift card to Golden Corral. I have a lot of good memories. I'm sure the food is actually really good and not terrible now that I'm an adult.

As a kid though, I loved a buffet. Ernie, I've scrutinized this gift and you literally can't spell golden without old, so it is the perfect gift. I don't know if we can top that. I think, I was thinking this is going to be a multi-episode series and Short episode. You had to throw in a suggestion.

It's not even a full episode. And the best way to arrange a surprise is to release it onto the internet as bonus content. Happy birthday, buddy! To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show and share your suggestions of what Arnie and Adel should do for Matt's birthday, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Ben GK, with some additional sound effects by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. I have missed these Friday night dinners. Welcome to Harvey Graf. At these family dinners, dysfunction is served. I can't have you all messing things up for my entire adult life.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do we embarrass you? It's already better than I dared to dream. They're extra. Let the wild rumpus start! And they're embarrassing. We know how hard it is to move on from the first girl that you ever slept with. Not the first girl who I ever slept with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You're a regular lady killer. I thought you said it was gonna be boring here tonight. No! I really hope it would be. But they couldn't love each other more. Surprise! It's mom and dad being totally normal.

So, dinner next Friday, everyone? Wouldn't miss it for the world.