Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 15 - Giant (w/ Vic Michaelis)

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

Garli, a young giant woman, is waiting in the tavern for a date that may or may not show up.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiGarli: Vic MichaelisMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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now been transported to a place of absolute terror, and I've hung out with psychic space leeches. On that note, sit weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Meekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander

lost. Currently squatting in cadaver falls in the magical land of Foon and I'm joined as always by my co-host Trump the Talking Badger. 27, 28, 29, 30. Oh, ha ha, yeah baby. Were you still working out? Yeah, just doing some whole poles. Um, Harney, I don't know if you've heard but... Whole poles? Whole poles.

What am I saying? It like you said a whole pole holes hole poles pole poles poles pole since last week you're just digging holes that are exactly the same size as you and pulling yourself out of them yeah Arnie buddy the war has started uh I didn't realize this but before Mel and Mort were thrown into the sea, the war was not officially on. It was just gearing up, ramping up even. Wait, so the war of the animals hadn't started? It had not started until Ysidor made-

Sort of bubbling underneath the surface there the whole time. Yeah, it was going to, but it just needed someone to kind of say the word go or scream let's go as Mel did several times. So let's go. He was underwater. He was underwater. Yeah. Which maybe suggests that his bubble wasn't working. I can't quite tell. Or maybe. Oh, was I supposed to give them a bubble? Those two are dead, right?

Those two are dead now. I don't know. But the lid that you sort of put over the sea was broken almost immediately because the seas have magical creatures as well. I mean, you know, wizards aren't the only magical creatures. So, Arnit, are you Ysidor just in case? Well, Ysidor, you should be fine, but Arnit, don't go outside without a buddy. Okay. Because it could be dangerous. We don't know if this is widespread, if this is isolated to a certain areas in battles,

but just be careful. So we accidentally kickstarted the War of the Analyst. No, we made two mole streams come true and they started the war. And I shouldn't go outside without a buddy in case a fish tries to get me. Arnie, you say that like they can't. I'm just gonna stay out of the water. Arnie, we were on a flying whale for a few weeks. That's fair.

That's fair. How many... Look, it's land versus sea versus air, right? What are flying fish? Are they air or sea? Well, Arnie, I don't know. I feel silly saying this. I thought you knew fish fly, but it's really swimming.

It's what we call swimming. That's them flying through the water. But what about the other ones that fly in the air? I mean, I'm sure there's some we were on a flying whale for several weeks. Why can't I have a buddy? Um, well, you accompany Ysidor or I. Um, or me. Or I.

I'm in my head because of the whole pole thing. Who am I kidding? None of us are going to leave the tavern anytime soon. That's probably true. Yeah, just be careful. Overall message, be careful. Yes, there's much danger out in the world right now, for even the wizards have begun to consolidate their power as they prepare to take over various lands.

Even now, their wizard law brings down terror and fear upon the denizens of Foon who deserve a better and freer world! Wait, hold on, Ysidor, the wizard war is still going on too? Well, it's sort of the same deal where it's sort of bubbling under the surface, but I'm sure we'll do something to get that kickstarted too. They're just consolidating power and, you know, shoring up their defenses and taking over lands. They keep conquering areas. There have been some skirmishes, but I wouldn't say it's a full out war yet yet. I'd say it's more of a... like a... like a wizard pissing match. Oh, yeah, Arnie, have you ever seen a wizard pissing match? I mean, I've seen Ysidor piss.

A pissard match. That was better. And that's what it's called. Oh, a pissard match? Okay. Wait, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? Arnie, did you... did you just move the table? What's going on here? Whoa, why is the table... it's movi... whoa! The table is standing up and stretching.

That's, this is a, ooh, it's not a table. This is a knee, Arnie, we have our podcast app on a knee. This is, hello. I thought this was an interesting table. Fuck me, okay. No shit, we're just sitting beneath a very large person. Sorry, you seemed like you were busy, so I didn't wanna. Oh no, we should be apologizing to you no it's fine I sorry I just heard you

talking and then I was like is that Avalon are you Avalon Avalon do you know Avalon are you Avalon I don't know sorry okay people mispronounce Arnie knee camp sometimes no no no I'm looking for Avalon you're waiting for Avalon how's this I don't know I look pretty much the same as my poster. Are you waiting for, are you here for a date? Arnie? Arnie? Oh no, uh, no. Oh, maybe, Arnie, are you on a date? Are you using some sort of, are you catfishing people? No. As Avalyn? No. So the poster that I saw, it was a flyer really posted in the square and it kind of looked like you. Oh, like me?

Yes, and then I sort of, and then I put my poster and then sort of in my sending stone, we sort of corresponded back and forth briefly and we said we were gonna meet here at eight o'clock. Oh my gosh, I was all, so you're waiting for a date. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, it's like a, what is a date, really? Just sort of a hang.

I'm looking to hang and meet somebody. I'm nervous. Yeah. I'm nervous. Oh yeah. I'm feeling a little nervous. You shouldn't'm nervous. I'm nervous. I'm feeling a little nervous. You shouldn't be nervous. I'm sure you have many fine qualities that, and all you have to do on it.

What would you say would you think are my fine qualities based off of meeting me right now? Well, you're huge. Arnie. Arnie. In a good way. You're just, you're very tall. You're...

No, I get that. Are you like a, like, are you like a I don't want to finish this sentence in case I was Going to say you're easy to talk to like you need it were very personable and warm and they're like giant Yeah, so I was gonna say you're very comfortable to be around and to podcast on I think Just podcasting on your knee. I felt like I've known you for months. What is your name? We've been so rude. What's your name? Oh, Garly. Hi, Garly. I'm Garly Roodhart, Felonavi, but you know, just Garly. This is great for me. Garly, this is my good friend Chunt the Shapeshifter. With an I. No, uh, sorry. You said it like maybe it was with a Y, it's Garly with an I. Oh, I see, I see.

At the end for me. Garly, Garly, so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, no, no. Continue, please, sorry. No, I interrupted. I see. Oh, garly, garly. So sorry. No, no, no. Continue please. Sorry. No, I interrupted. I'm nervous. I'm very nervous. I'm feeling a little nervous. I'm sweating. Are you guys getting wet down there? A little bit, yeah. It's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it's a little, it like a kind of it maybe we're like a test date You know you kind of get some of those you know jitters out by speaking to three Wizard a badger who's actually a shapeshifter and a man from another world Yeah, okay If I sort of it I don't know if it works like this if I sort of tell you what Abel in

Looks like can you maybe like try shape-shifting into him? Is that crazy? A chunk? Do you, how, what do you think? Uh, yeah, I could do that. I mean, um, I think Arnie looks just like Avalyn. So I'll just turn into, let me just turn into Arnie and then we'll work from this. Okay. Yeah, that'd be amazing. Okay, so that's pretty close, but then like, um, based on the drawing on the flyer, so he's sort of like, yeah, just like Arnie except like a jaw like chiseled Oh, I just got a glimpse of me in the mirror and holy shit. Yeah, there were abs in this painting Mostly abs I would say full-length Yeah, full-length and then it was just like eyes that just sort of

like pierced through you know what I mean that like pierced through the drawing and so it's like you're looking you know like you know it's a drawing but you're sort of like yeah is this drawing looking directly at me so sort of like that's it yeah that's perfect oh my god this is moldering smize oh Arnie with not much work you could be doing this. I mean some work. There's a much better version of me Sure, can I ask in the painting were there any other details like could you see like what was in his room? Oh? Yeah, of course There was a poster for this sort of this boy bar troupe And so there was sort of there's like four of them

there was like the sexy one and the sexy sad one and the sexy one that sort of maybe had like Like a girlfriend oversee and then like sort of the one that is smart. Oh my god It's you are describing to a tee bards bards bards. Yes. Oh my god, you know them Oh, they are I mean when I was younger I was into them. Well two years ago. I was into them way more, but Me too. I love them what's your favorite song? Oh I guess um loot you all night long. Oh my god I okay do you want it can I show you something? Please. Look at myself it's a tattoo do you see? It's a little tattoo it's a loot too. It's my favorite lyric yeah it's the loot and then it's got the lyric underneath can you see it? That is

incredible oh my gosh. You have a lot of room for lyrics on this toe. It's most of the. Yeah, it's the lute and then it's got the lyric underneath. Can you see it? That is incredible. Oh my gosh. You have a lot of room for lyrics on this too. It's most of the song. Yeah, I miss the bridge, but it is a lot of the song. Girl, I'm rooting for you. Girl, I'm tooting for you. Girl, I, girl, I, girl, I, girl, I gonna loot on you. Yeah, loot on you. Girl, I'm rooting for you.

Do you know what always bothered me about Bards, Bards, Bards? What? There are clearly four members in there, but the name is Bards Bards Bards. Huh. And they're all plural. It's not Bard Bard Bard, or Bard Bard Bard Bard. It's Bards Bards Bards.

So are there multiple? It just bothers me. How old are you? You seem pretty old. I am three hundred and fifty years old. He's not young and with it, like us. I'm not super familiar with bards bards bards Are they anything like Bard Street? Oh the bar street boys? Oh like yeah bards in their song Bard Street's bard Oh, my mom listen to them

She was like really into their stuff. I think yeah, so I don't know I can message her on my sending stone I guess Okay, I've only I've only been in this world nine years, so I don't know. I can message her on my sending stone, I guess. Okay, I've only been in this world nine years and I'm already behind. Yeah, I don't know. I'm so sorry. Music hasn't been good since Barty Goodman. Oh, Ysidor, you're so fucking out of touch. I love Barty Goodman. It's classic good stuff. I don't know who that is.

What about Barty S Yes, is that um? Yeah, I guess they're having a moment Yeah, you start I never really thought about Bards Bards Bards and why they do that it could be like I don't know if you know me knew though Where did you just constantly kept replacing members and every time they had a new member? They're like me knew though And so you kind of get to know them, but they keep the name overall. So it might be that kind of situation.

So, so- I'm only on the same haircut, which was sort of helpful for continuity. Oh my God. I'm just like, it's one of those things where it's 815 already and I'm just sort of like, is he coming? Is he coming? Is he coming?

Do you think he's coming? I'm sure he's coming. I'm sure that he's excited. It sounds like this picture is legitimate and it's not like he sent you any taint paints or anything. That would be particularly disturbing. It sounds like this is a perfectly upstanding young gentleman.

Would it be bad if he sent me a taint paint? Yeah, that would be really bad. Oh, or did he? Well, yeah. That was sort of, I messaged him and I said, hey, let's let's meet at the tavern At eight o'clock and then he sent me back a taint paint and I said, haha. Lol First drinks on me. Sure. Okay. Did you send him back like a poon rune or anything like that? Yeah, just one Is that a problem? Arnie stop trying to connect with the youth of poon. Why are you guys making that face?

Why are you guys making that face? Why are you guys making those faces? I I have a very wizard an old face for I am over 350 years old that's crazy seems so much older than that and sorry user its wizard He had a bit of a whisp there or something. Sorry. He has a wizard old face Yeah, he I don't he misspoke or something Yeah, now that I'm like leaning down and closer, I'm like, you actually don't look that much like Avalyn, but I mean, maybe like his like great-great-grandfather or something like that. Me?

Holy shit. I'm so sorry. Like someone's great-great-grandfather? Oh, and also now that you're leaning down, I noticed, Garlie, that you have, I thought it was a flower, but it looks like it's a full tree in bloom. Oh yeah. With white leaves. That's to signify that you are Garlee?

Yes. Yeah, I said I'll be in the red dress at the tavern. I'm going to have a small podcast on my foot maybe and you'll know me by the tree with the white leaves on my lapel. And I thought that that was sort of like romantic, sort of like one of my favorite troops. Troops that come through when I was a kid, they did this play a lot called Tired and Foon. Do you remember that one? Oh, absolutely. It's like a single father,

and he's so tired of raising his son alone. And then he meets a woman. Yes. What happens from there? I usually fell asleep around that part as well. So but yeah, but anyways, I just thought it was like that. Garly, this is perfect. These are exactly the sorts of conversations you're going to want to have with Avalyn, you said? Avalyn, yeah. Yeah. It, talk about the theater. Talk about the arts. Talk about the things that speak to your soul. Share your, share your, share your, share your inner feelings. And then you will learn whether this person is worthy of your time or not. I'm sorry, I presumed they were a person.

Is Aveline a person? Don't be mad there, wizard. Oh, OK. Be mad. I just said don't be mad. And all of you made a face. Well, you can't just say don't be mad, they're a wizard. Oh, okay. Don't be mad, I just said don't be mad and all of you made a face. Well. Yeah, but you can't just say don't be mad. Well, I can say don't be mad, it's your choice to believe me or not believe me,

I am allowed to say that. I will say, I'm just mad that a wizard looks like this. I mean, again, checking myself out in the mirror, this is what you've seen. Incredible. That's a sexy wizard. I always thought wizards just look like old and fucked up and shit. Hey, hey, hey.

Now, perhaps this wizard has cast a glamour on themselves to make themselves more beautiful. I always thought wizards just looked like old and fucked up and shit. Hey, hey, hey now Perhaps this wizard has cast a glamour on themselves to make themselves more beautiful I like a glamour shot and some wizards are beautiful Jen Levy other red my beloved Something though we are torn betwixt us this terrible war has come What tragedy has befallen me. I'm really sorry to hear that. I kinda get it. You sort of have like a lost love and I sort of have a love that can't even bloom.

It seems like, I just feel like this happens to me constantly. I feel like this is happening to me. Sorry. I'm not gonna cry. I said oh, Carly. Sorry, I'm not gonna cry. Okay, oh no, here happening to me. Sorry. I said, oh, sorry. I'm not gonna cry. Now here comes the tears. Let's take a break. We'll grab some umbrellas and we'll be right back.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Are the tears burning anyone else? What have you been eating? Pepper. In 2001, less than a month after the 9-11 attacks, the US and allied forces invaded Afghanistan. The goal was simple, hunt down Al Qaeda and its leader, Osama bin Laden, and unseat the Taliban government that sheltered him. But even though the Taliban was quickly removed, negotiating an end to the war turned out to

be a much bigger challenge. Despite some of the world's best negotiators working tirelessly for peace, all sides were never able to come to a negotiated agreement. And in 2021, 20 years after being ousted from power, the Taliban took back control of Afghanistan. So why did some of the world's smartest and most experienced negotiators fail for 20 years to mediate a peace deal in Afghanistan? The Afghan Impasse, a special seven episode edition of The Negotiators, a podcast from Doha Debates and Foreign Policy, looks back on the players, politics, and strategies that contributed to one of the biggest failures in modern peace negotiations.

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exclusively with Wondery+. Join Wondery+, in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Georgia, do you know what joy sounds like? I think I'm hearing it right now. Okay, Garley, so I'm sitting across from you. I look exactly like Avalon? Abelie. Yeah, I'm sorry it took so long to get the booster for the seat.

Oh, Garly, you know what? That could be it. I know a lot of wizards can be super in their head super self-conscious about Dating someone who's taller than them. Yes. Yes, maybe that's me and I like I like wizards. Sorry I like wizards, you know what I mean? And so that's just sort of like what I go after typically Yeah, just a little tone deaf for what's going on currently. It's a to like wizards You promised that you weren't gonna judge me. No, I never did though from how I remember you explicitly said I promise I will not say a single word And I'm gonna be so quiet. Okay, that was how I remember that conversation going

I'll climb down Yeah, you've really been in her ear this whole time How's it how's it going up there Arnie? Well, you know, it's just a classic trying to help someone out to prepare for their date sort of thing But yes, it's not it's worse than her just liking this one Super hot wizard Arnie which she's in the Wizards in general Arnie Which wizard could this be for wizards are born into this world and fully formed? They're not like magicians or sorcerers who learn magic. We are magic incarnate. Who could it be?

is there like a sexy like like the wizard of sexy and dating? You're looking at him. Garly, I just want to apologize for my friend. I saw him climb down from your shoulder, slide down your shoulder, all the way down your arm, and not once did he yell, we? You're fun, you are fun. And I apologize. Do and I apologize. Don't just say that. Oh 100 you were so fun and likable. I mean Tell me about you. Tell me about your interests

Okay, um, do you know rocks? Yeah, I love rocks Um, I sort of like i'll i'll stack them in a pile and then I'll just sort of take my fist and I'll smash them And then I will press them together with my palms to sort of try and refuse them I'm gonna press hard enough then the heat will refuse them. Yeah, so that's sort of like what I like to do for fun Amazing how about how about you? Do you like your mom? Can I meet your mom? Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing. I get so nervous. No, that's actually a really, um, it's a very good question.

I'll just say that, and you said to be fully transparent and honest. Yeah. Um, that's just a very hyper-specific question. Right. So you might just say like, what are your parents like? Because you don't know people's situation. Maybe they were born, like, uh, Usador here, a wizard. What? He was born.

Should I come up there? Yeah, why don't you just sort of. Out of truth. Oh, there you are. Are you talking to me? I heard my name. This is Ysidor, his mom is actually birds and wind and rain or something. Yes, I was brought into this world

by conspiracy of birds and wind and rain and fire and frogs that insisted that food need a champion. And I did strut forth into this world and insist that my magic become paramount. And I become the defender of all goodness and righteousness. How's that going? Not great, actually. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. So, okay, so just take it a little later. Okay, okay, okay. So, leave me in with the question, and then I'll answer, and then I'll try and ask you my back again. Yeah, absolutely. How are you able to fit through doors? How am I able to fit through doors?

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. No, um, no, that's fine. I have a back and that's fine. So normally I just sort of bend a little bit if it gets small. I'm so stupid, I'm so sorry. And because I'm very flexible. I'm a flexible, I'm a flexible... Oh, you don't have to pose like that. I'm a flexible... I'm a flexible... per... I'm a...

Oh, you don't have to pose like that. I'm fun. Look at me again, I'm touching my toes. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Watch out, Arnie! Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry. Ooh, Arnie, you just got... It's alright, it's alright. I don't normally do this, I'm gonna pick you up.

Okay, I'm just popping up the table there. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's all fine. I'm sorry, I'm messing this up. I'm messing this up from the get-go. No, no. I can't meet this person. I can't, I can't. So I'm just gonna go home and I'm gonna die alone. Oh, wait, no, no, no, no, please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's all fine. I'm messing this up. I'm messing this up from the get-go. I can't beat this person. I can't, I can't. So I'm just gonna go home and I'm gonna die alone.

Oh, wait, no, no, no, no, please, please, please. Don't die alone, please. You pulled me up here so fast. I think I'm gonna be sick. There are already so many people on this podcast right now who are gonna die alone. Let's see if we can change that for you. One.

Oh, I thought we were counting ourselves off. I have to say, Garly, I don't think that last one's your fault. I think that Chunt asked a question that perhaps put you in your head. I mean, you're very aware of your own physical body. Yeah. So why don't we just try it again?

Perfect. And this time, Chunt, maybe, just ask about an interest or something, maybe something you have in common. She has something you like. Also, Chunt, maybe, just ask about an interest or something. Maybe something you have in common. She has something you like. Also, what she could do, Garly, what you could also do if you're comfortable with it is- Kiss?

Oh, sorry. What was that? No, I was just saying you could pick up Arnie since he's already up here, pick up me since I'm up here as well, and sort of like in your hands make us talk like how you hope the conversation goes. Oh, that's a great idea

Yeah, oh my god. This is yes. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes 1000% Okay amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you No, of course, of course Hi You know you over here and then you're man so we sort of go, oh sorry, sorry, sorry. And I'm just gonna go, hi, hi, it's nice to meet you. You look so handsome this evening. And then we got the other person over here, just gonna sort of say, oh, yeah, that's okay.

Honestly, I saw you from across the bar and I was hoping you were my date, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. And so we started going back and forth, sorry, sorry. This is good stuff. And then I just sort of say, hey, he goes, hey, like, you know, like, uh, what? And then this is maybe a little forward, but why don't we get out of here? And I sort of go, oh, usually not that type of giant. And then the other person goes, oh, no, I didn't mean to pursue him.

And then I go, yeah, you didn't mean to pursue him. And the other person goes, you know, oh, that's, uh, that's fine. Sorry, forget I mentioned it. I go, no, can't forget you mentioned it now. And then you kiss. And then you kiss, kiss, it now and then you kiss and then you kiss kiss kiss Wow twice in one season sorry, I got a little into it No, that was perfect I think that if you feel uncomfortable with physical contact that early in the date you don't have to agree to it obviously So I'm dying for physical contact I would say. Oh, okay. Well, then you broke off my leg, but I'll just throw that back.

Thank you. Sorry about that. No worries. Are you all right? I think I think a rib or two is maybe broken. I think every time you wanted to like say I was talking, you just kept squeezing like along with the words and that that hurt that hurt. And that's my bad. It's just your mouth wasn't like say I was talking, you just kept squeezing like along with the words and that hurt, that hurt. I mean, it was gonna be nice. And that's my bad.

It's just your mouth wasn't opening when I was doing that. And so I was finding when I squeezed your mouth opened a little bit. Yeah, can I? It did. Carly, do you mind if I give Chuntin, Arnie some notes real quick about that? I thought you did great.

Love that. Thank you for saying that. I appreciate that. And I personally love direction and I hope sort of as a group, we can take direction well. Arnie, when you are being held up like a doll in a scenario like this,

you really should try to mouth along with the words. Okay, yeah. That'll help your ribs from being broken, but I'm sure they'll grow back. Yeah, I can't. You know I'm good at listening to what other people are saying. I know, Chunt, perfect.

Oh, thank you so much. Bellimissimo, no notes. And I just want to say thank you, director, for giving Arnie notes because I felt like giving him notes and I restrained myself and I feel like he just wasn't giving me a lot to work with. I felt like giving him notes too. It was that crazy. Darling, right? What everybody? I like I don't even know him very well. And I was like, can I say something? Yeah, it's really fun. Right? Yeah. Yeah, go for it.

I was just in pain. I was just trying to authentically go with what I was feeling in the moment. Arnie, an artist uses their pain. They use their pain. To act is to be in pain. And it just kinda felt like you didn't wanna be in my hand and being squeezed, if I'm being honest. I saw that. Right.

Can I ask you guys a question? Please. What do you think of my outfit? Red dress is a classic, beautiful garment. Did you see the butt? I didn't see the butt. Well, you haven't stood up. Well, if you turn around and you can see the butt, it's got a fun thing on there. Do you see it?

Can you read it? Juicy? Yeah, it says juicy. What is that? Okay. Because it's red like an apple and sort of I like apples juicy and so that was sort of my thought process on there. But then there's like an arrow coming out of juicy

like pointing directly to your rectum, like I don't know. You don't think that that's good? You think I should? I brought a couple of other outfits I can try them on. I can sort of like try them on quickly. If you want, that's fine. I, you know, Juicy's very, ooh,

and maybe overly inviting. Okay, well, it's just one of those things where like, we have this saying sort of from my mountain, and we basically say dress for the job that you want. I don't know if that's something that you've heard before, but that's sort of like, I don't know if that's like regional, if that's like a hometown thing, but we say that a lot, and so I was just sort of like, what do I want?

And I'm like, I want to get smashed by a hot wizard. It's sort of like my plan. And you should get what you want. And so I don't know. I was just like, maybe this is kind of nice. Yes. Here's what we'll do. That's for the job you want.

We say this thing up on my mountain. I don't know if you guys have ever heard of it, which is like business in the front, party in the back. And so that was sort of like what I was going for here. I don't know if you guys have heard that. That's sort of like business in the front party in the back. And so that was sort of like what I was going for here. I don't know if you guys have heard that that's sort of like a thing that we say on my mountain. I have heard that usually in regards to specific haircuts, but it works in all haircuts. All sorts of ways. Yes. Okay. We

only say that about this dress specifically on my mountain. Oh, which mountain are you from again? The tallest one to the north. Oh, the tallest one to the north. Oh yes, that's a very famous mountain. Yeah. Arnie, have you ever been to the tallest mountain to the north?

No, is that the name of the mountain? That's the actual name of it. The giants named that one and no offense, they aren't the most inventive names. No, yeah, that's true. It's also the third shortest from the east. Here's a garlicky little dude. It's very practical, helps him get around.

Yeah, it's just kinda nice to know and then you sort of have a, well, and it's tough. I don't know if because you're so short, it like makes a difference on what's tallest. I don't think that it would work that way, but I also don't know because that's not my lived experience. Here's an interesting fact.

For a human, Arnie's actually quite tall. I am. No. Oh yeah, yeah. Stop, you? Me, yeah. Arnie, that's crazy. People see me in person and they're like, you are not what I expected you to look like.

You are very tall. From my perspective? What are you, six eight? Six eight? Nah, I'm like six, four and a half. Although people who are about six feet six eight? I'm like six four and a half Although people who are about six feet are really invested in me being six five, but I think Whoa, okay, cuz that's like the shortest height I've ever heard basically I mean not really but like it's very short

You know what I mean like anything below eight feet is just kind of the same to me. I would say sure No, I guess I get that where it's like if you got four pieces of rice It's like sort of the same as having eight pieces of rice. You know right sure sure do you even know what rice is like? Have you ever consumed rice Wow? Yes, I mean rice Read Sure, why would you do that? I don't know I live in town. I go to school up the street So it was one of I know what rice you're in school right now

Yes, what are you studying? I am studying Do you know literature? Yes, I do know literature. I've read about it. I'm studying history. Okay, great Oh, do you go to the mountain story school? Yes. Yes. Do you know it? I've heard of it I know it's like a kind of a hands-on learning experience. It's really, really nice because I feel like I'm getting a lot of practical education that then is going to translate into the workplace.

This is so crazy. I don't feel nervous talking to you. Normally when I talk to people, I feel like I keep trying to put myself out there on these dates and I keep getting ghosted. And I just, you know, like, I don't know. I don't feel nervous talking to you, so thank you. Well things one I mean if it were hands off you'd fall down the mountain so that that explains like why it's hands on it totally makes sense. I don't understand.

I just wanted to make sure to get that in before we moved on to a different subject but two... I don't understand explain that to me please. Well it's hands on the mountain. But if it was hands-off, you'd fall down the mountain. Oh, it's a joke. It's more like a clever observation. I wouldn't call it a clever observation. That's so interesting. No, no, no, no, no. Maybe we could classify it as wry.

Let me explain. Maybe I didn't explain it well. I think somebody else would have to call it a clever observation. I don't think you can self-call it a clever observation. W don't think you can self call it a clever observation. Right? It has to be hands on because it was hands off. Yeah. You don't walk up a mountain on your feet?

We understand it. Garly, can I say all the time, Arnie's saying, let me tell you a funny story. And I keep saying I'll let you know if it's funny. I believe that. He does this all the time. Girl, why don't you stand up? Here's what we're going to do. The three of us are are gonna sit in chairs reading newspapers And then you change outfits and every time you have it because we don't want to you know I invade your privacy so anytime you have a new outfit on can we get newspapers for everyone in the tavern?

We're not the only people here with only important people here And then we have some newspapers yes Okay, are you guys sat with your newspapers here? Yes. Yep And then when you're ready say something and we'll drop them and give a head nod. Yes or a head nod. No Okay, so much so much war news I'm a very fast dresser. Whoa, you're done already. Yeah. Oh For this one, it's just two little nipple pasties that I got.

Yeah. And then a leaf. I mean, it's very provocative. Arnie, you're drooling. But the leaf is on your nose, which is the weird part. Well, I just thought, you know, I don't want people to be distracted. My nose is typically what people say is my best quality.

Like, normally when people see my drawing, they're sort of like, oh, what a beautiful nose that you have is normally what people say. So you put the leaf there and then save the best for last. Well and then sort of like again I really want people to know what I'm here for. Right. Speaking of why don't you turn around here and I do see you drew an arrow to your butthole and it says juicy so so that's sort of a compromise. Yeah well again it's sort of like my signature, right? Like I feel like people have things where like,

I want people in a crowd to basically be like, oh, that's Garly. You know what I mean? Like I want to make sure that people sort of like, can recognize me. And it's like, it's not like I wear this to work. I mean, everybody's actually so scandalized. I'm not gonna wear this to like, on the job

or to school or something like that. This is my date outfit. Right, you're sending a particular message. Well, no shame here. You're single, you're ready to mingle. I'm seeing, I'm hearing no. Okay, well, let's do an official no. Everyone put your newspapers up.

Newspapers back up. Okay, put them down. I wish we had some fun music playing. Shake your heads no. Shake your heads no. Okay. Okay, let me dress. What's the next one?

Can we all do, but I'm gonna do a no where I'm really sorta delighted, but I'm just sort of like, oh you, oh garly. That's good. That's so good, we should take a break and come right back. Oh, you, Sidor. Have you ever heard of the term nuclear family? The term was coined by an anthropologist in the 1920s

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60 to 80 outfits. It just feels like that commercial break was it was like a day long Yeah, it just feels like I mean she looks great, but it just feels like we're not nothing's clicking like there's no wow factor It's not like hey, huh, it's it's not and yeah, and she's Perfectly lovely. It's not yes. It's not her. It's the outfits yes Okay, this is the only other one that I have packed so Okay, let's slowly lower our newspapers knowing you're going to shake our head now Carly you look outstanding You look radiant Carly really stop don't say that if you don't mean it Carly you're all that

Stop, do you mean that I do? You're all that Really? You're all that. Stop. Do you mean that? I do. You're all that. Really? You're all it. All of that. So, I mean, just the original red dress and a slightly darker shade of red is exactly what we were looking for? Yeah! Everything sounds- Yeah.

Somehow, that's all it needed. We shouldn't have moved on from that first one so fast. Yeah. Wow. I'm crying. Oh first one so fast. Yeah. I'm crying. Oh. I feel beautiful. The downside is it's been at least a day.

So I'm a little, I'm starting to kind of be certain that your date isn't coming. Can I guess I'm still a little uncertain how the system works where you post a drawing of yourself like in a public place? Have you never posted a drawing of yourself? Like in a public place? Have you never posted a drawing of yourself in the square with your name and your sending stone information? I'm old, you know, there's no judgment.

I just haven't, like, I just haven't. It's not that there's anything to be judgmental about. That literally is how everybody does it now. You post it, you get a drawing of yourself, you post it in the square, people go around and they either rip your drawing off, crumple it up and throw it in the river, or they rip it off and then they get your sending stone

information and then they send you a message. Oh, okay. Have you never heard of rivering? No, oh. I mean, that's tough because then you could, like if other people would like it, they don't have a chance to see it. Well, yeah, that's kind of, that's kind of a thing.

You gotta like go back on a regular basis because then you know, people have seen your your flyer if it's gone. And so then you know, to put up a new one, you know that you're getting traction. So it's kind of bad if yours is still standing, it means that nobody's interested. Do you try to do like as recent a painting as possible? Or if maybe you just have a really good older painting that you

prefer? I have a painting with a little animal that I normally do but obviously current situation standing it's been like a little bit of a touchy subject so I just sort of do my finishing school photo. Arnie I think as you've since you've heard about it you're gonna walk by and see so many up there's a lot of guys will be like holding a fish or it's like a drawing of them at Mako Poko or something. Petting a tiger.

It's, you start to see the same thing over and over and over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like kind of hard to differentiate. And I think with mine, sort of like how I make it a little bit different is I put mine sort of at my eye level. And so then it's sort of like the thing of like, it'll either be, you know, somebody tall enough but more often than not especially in this area I will attract a wizard somebody that has some sort of power of flight or power to bring it down from the

height which is like very cool and exciting. Oh well that that is fun. I have to say is there a chance that your painting doesn't give an accurate sense of scale? No. And that these potential dates are showing up and are surprised that you are the size that you are, that you are as tall as you are? That can't be. Here, I have one in my pocket. Take a look. It's the mountain and then me in the foreground. Right, but. Oh, it does look like with the perspective. And also you said there was an animal in your picture.

I was picturing like, you know. Yeah, but that's for scale. So if you take a look at the photo, you can see way down in the corner. Can you see? Yeah. There's a bat. There is a bat. There is a bat.

Yeah, I think that's, I think that's a giant bat, which is kind of misleading. To be fair, they shouldn't be leaving if they've made a date with you. No, you're right, you're right. Regardless of size. Yes, thank you Dory. I appreciate it. Can I call you Dory?

Is that okay? Dory! Ooh, I like that. That's a good one. That's a great one. Sorry, I just kind of went for it. I just feel like maybe we've gotten there. I love that. That's the garlicky we want. One who goes for it instead of saying sorry. Stop. Okay.

Give us a spin. I feel so much better. Okay, a new drawing. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. I can do a new drawing. Absolutely. What are we thinking? Do you mind? Do you mind if we paint you? Yeah, can you sketch? Please please I'm begging you, can you sketch for me? I feel like I just look so hot right now and I just, I need a sketch now, because I'm not gonna be able to recreate this and the lighting's really good in here. I'm gonna say most of Chunt's paintings are really horny, but maybe that's what you want? Yes! I think that's what it is.

Oh my god, yes! Yes! Oh my goddess, yes! I have an idea. Chunt, you do the drawing. Okay. Garly, you hold Arnie in your hand again to show, for a sense of scale. Mm- drawing. Okay, garly you hold on in your hand again to show for a sense of scale Yes, and then and Chunt you draw on another guy in your in your painting is that I don't know

I'm not a I'm not as tiny as you absolutely Sure, like I can do yeah, there's like maybe we write on Arnie's forehead not a threat. Yeah, like or like On his forehead, I think people are gonna know it's already. I don't even think we need to write it on his forehead. I think people are going to now. It's already subtextually there. I think they'll read it on his forehead, whether it's there or not. I've heard people. Oh, yeah.

Oh, sorry. Can I just talk to you for like one sec? Yeah, of course. Guys, I'll be right back. Sorry. Sorry. Just like one second. Yeah, of course.

Hey. I just feel, I don't know. I feel like we're connecting. Yeah. I feel the same way. But I didn't want to say anything because I'm like well I'm not a wizard so I don't have a freaking shot. No I Don't know why I said that I like you know I just like I date wizards typically. Yeah, yeah, yeah So I'm just like I don't know. I'm just like what's your what's going who are Can I am is your mom dead?

Sorry, I don't know why I asked that. No, she's not. Here's the thing, she's not. Oh good, good, and I'm mad. And I'm gonna be, you said that, and we have more of a rapport cause I'm laughing cause that was funny. But if she was, I'd probably be upset, but she's not. You, you Sidor, while they're over there talking, I just wanna, this is gonna sound crazy,

I just wanna run something by you. I think Garly and I are connecting. Really? Yeah. Based on? I just, you know, just the way she said I'm not a threat. Yeah, but she called me Dory. And how I'm the smallest thing she's ever seen.

And she dates wizards. Yeah. Oh, wait, so you're saying you think you and Garly are connecting? Look, I'm clearly too old for her. She said that. She made it very clear. But I think, you know, I don't, old for her. She said that. She made it very clear. But I think, you know, I don't, maybe she's got some daddy issues, who knows. But I'm not gonna go there. If you feel like you have a shot, then just ask her out.

I mean, maybe this Avalon guy will show up. Maybe he won't. I mean, she did come here looking for someone that looked a little bit like me. Yeah, all right, well, let's go over there. Only better. Let's go over there and just, you know, take your shot. Is your mom dead. Well, let's let's go over there and we better let's go over there and just you know, take your shot Is your mom dead or like what's going on? Oh, no. No, no. No. She didn't eat my dad though. So

That's like a fun fact Amazing that's incredible. Yeah. Yeah, you know, he was Cheating on her and so she ate him He was cheating on her and so she ate him. So that's sort of like my thing. Yeah, eating ain't cheating. Yeah, yeah. That was funny. Yeah, you did cheat. Thank you. Oh my gosh, thank you.

It's a little bit different. Thank you. Well, it's good to laugh at these things. Wait, when did you shave, Isidore? What? When did you shave? Just a few minutes ago. And why did you shave it like that? I just thought this little strip of hair down the middle of my chin might be really attractive. A little landing strip? Leave some mutton chops here on the side, just and then like see some, you know, skin in between. No mustache though. what do you think I mean do you

want me to be honest with you or since you've done it already do you sort of want some affirmation I do I do want you to be honest it kind of looks like you're going through a midlife crisis but I can't be true yeah what 800 no I'm 350 oh sorry red cart is this out front? There's like a tiny, like a shortened red cart? I just got a red cart recently. New red cart. Sorry, it took me a while to climb up here.

Those are so expensive. What are you all, hey, what's everybody talking about up here, huh? Just having a... Oh, hi, I'm Garly. Nice to meet you. Oh, no, hey, we've met. I'm Garly nice to meet you. No hey we've met I'm Arnie. Oh Arnie my god hi. You just have a face and I look at them like who is that? Yeah yeah. Arnie what is going on with you? You can't stop smiling. Yeah I'm just you know smile. I'm a happy person I'm a happy person I don't struggle with depression in any way

I'm just like a happy guy. It's a weird thing to. Oh, did you put on cologne? What is that? It's what I could find. What is that? I just found, I just rubbed some food under my shirt. You know, freshen up a little bit. Oh, I see. What an interesting choice. Yeah, so, just, you know me, just being my regular self, just on the hunt for juicy blood holes.

Oh, Artie, no! Arnie! What? Just something I'm throwing just not in reference to anything. And there's several pauses and stutters in between each word. How did you end up saying that? Took so much time. Yeah, I had so many chances to stop and I didn't take any of them. Right. Well, yeah, I like doing that too. We should talk about that sometime, I guess. Okay. Well, does anyone need a drink from the bar? should talk about that sometime, I guess. Okay.

Well, does anyone need a drink from the bar? I'm financially stable and happy to buy us all around a drinks. Oh my God, that'd be amazing. Thank you so much. Yeah, I will take six pints of the meat, I guess. Six pints of meat, sure. Amazing. Thank you.

Wow. Chunt, Ani? Whatever you want, price is no object. Oh, well, I own the bar, so. Yeah, still, price is no object. Why are you looking at Garly when you say that? Did I mention I own this tavern? It's a cursed tavern. No, wait, do you actually?

I do, yeah. Oh my god, so can you get us free meat, then? Yeah, I guess I could do that for my friends. Oh, that'd be amazing. Okay, oh, cool. Wow, you never give us free meat. That's awesome. Yeah, meat all around, then. That'd be amazing. Okay. Oh, thank you. Wow You never do this for me. That's yeah meat all around then I love a little bit of bread too if you've got any I mean like if it's your place if that's not like I can't believe that we've been here for like what days and

This is coming up. This is crazy. This is incredible Yeah, I'll take some bread too. Honey. Why don't you get us some bread and some meat and hey, you know what? It'll take me a while to climb down. How take some bread too. Arnie, why don't you get us some bread and some meat and hey, you know what? It's gonna take me a while to climb down. How about some butter too? Ooh, yeah, actually just give me a knife because I could just spread Garley on that bread and eat her right up. She's so cute. Okay. Chunt. Okay.

Chunt. Huh? Read the room. Arnie, you're literally putting your finger into your hand that has the shape of a hole right now whenever she has her head turnt No, I know outside outside don't look hard outside Wait, there's a guy getting my horse my peripheral vision is So sorry, I'm late holy shit, he looks like what I transformed into, but 10 times hotter.

Wow. Hi, Abelion? Yeah, you're Garly, right? Yes. I didn't think, sorry, I didn't think you were coming. Yeah, I was supposed to be here about a week ago, and I got lost. I was at the mountain just to the north,

and I turned and went to that mountain to the east. No worries dude. But we're closed. Ernie, we're closed. Yeah, we're closed. There are a lot of people here but they... But it's fine because he owns the bar so we can hang. Oh hey. It's no big deal. Hey. Like just be cool, alright? Stop patting my shoulder. Yeah, be cool. Yeah, just be cool. This is so funny. His hand is very strong. Yeah, it's all cool. Hey, Carly, I just really like your dress. I think you look so nice. Oh, thank you.

I had some really cute little friends help me pick it out. Friends? Oh. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. I think she's talking to me. Should we? Is it great?

Should we get out of here? I don't know. I don't know. Should we get out of here? I was going to say we could still have dinner and stuff, but it's been a week. Should we? Is it great? Should we get out of here? I don't know. I don't know. Should we get out of here? I was gonna say we could still have dinner and stuff, but it's been a week and I've eaten like 20 times since then. So why don't we just get out of here

and go back to my place? I would love that. Thank you. Yeah. Yes. Yes. I would love that. I'd love that. But it's opposite day.

It's all right. Do you need to like, do you need to say goodbye to your little friends or something? Yeah. Just give me one minute. I'll meet you on the horse. Yeah. I'll get the horse started. It's opposite day. You probably live on you probably live in like a hole He can do math We can't compete. No, I can do math Garly of is this where's the person sketching this?

Is this is this like one of those hidden sketching pranks? Oh No, no, that's so funny. No. Hey, hey, I just want to say thank you so much, and I know that maybe this is like a little bit weird, but hey like you know this is good for everybody you guys can give back to your podcast or whatever. A squeeze of the shoulder? Nooo. Hey, you guys are really good friends. Thank you. Perfect. Exactly what I wanted. Garly, hold on one second. Yeah? really good friends. Thank you. Oh, perfect. Exactly what I wanted.

Garly, hold on one second. Yeah. Sorry. Hang tight. I'm gonna talk to Arnie Usador. Yeah. A lot happened over the last however many days Scarlett's been here. You kind of have this whirlwind bromance. She kind of confessed that she liked me. I confessed I like her. Really? This is really throwing a wrench. I didn't think this guy was gonna show up, but I think I have the perfect plan. I'm gonna be unbelievably nice to her and to him and be like her closest confidant and friend

and then ultimately when they break up, I'll be like right there. Oof. Guys, I feel like we've got a three tickets to challenger situation here between the three of us. Hey, I'm sorry, I gotta get out of here. The horse is warm and it's kind of expensive to feed.

No, no, no, yeah. Sex. Go have sex. But I just wanted to say, here's my sending stone info and like text me. We should hang out. Oh yeah, and here I got you, I was gonna say made, but you don't really make food, you cook it. I got you three grains of rice, just cause from earlier, when we were talking about rice.

Oh yeah, you remembered. Yeah. You can just give your information a chunt. My stone is in the ground, I have a land stone. Oh. Old, the horse is warm. So it doesn't get text, it's just the land stone. I haven't, I don't know how to make a call on mine.

So, you know, I'll see you when I see you, I guess. All right. Yeah, for you. Yeah, text me or yeah, send me anytime. And I just really like the tiniest hint of possibility and nothing more. So I'm actually really good with where we're at. Sir, are you okay?

Sorry, I was just chatting with my friends. That's Arnie. You've known him for days. You three, thank you so much. Thank you. Don't just stand here. Get out of here. Go have sex and don't think about me. To the window, to the window, to the window, to the window! Oh Jesus, put some pants on that horse. Look at that horse cockshoots. Oh, that's that's him. He's changing pants. Oh boy.

Alright, Garley. I'm gonna put my horse on your back. Let's go. Oh great, okay. Which, uh, where do you live? What is, what direction? Oh, I'm just west of the East Mountain. Oh fun! Oh, okay, great. And then I'm on, well, where do you live? What is, what direction? Oh, I'm just, uh, west of the East Mountain. Oh, fun! Okay, great! And then I'm on, well, it doesn't matter. We'll go back to the place. Okay. Alright! Okay, this is fun. And heavier than it looks, um, but in a, in a good way. Hey, Arnie. Bye, little friends!

Bye! Bye! Fuck you! Bye! Hey, Arnie. Hey, Arnie. Yeah, do you think you make her laugh? No But that's not everything should have asked Garly to join my quest to defeat evil so tall very tall She literally Crushes rock next time next time. Oh, let me oh actually speaking of let me just send her She said me her

I'm just don't know. I have a little joke. It was seconds ago something She sent me her settings down. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no You got a fake rock. Where's the taint paint? Somebody get me the taint paint. It's gonna be a long night boys. Why is it gonna take you so long to paint that taint? Because it has to be perfect. There are times when these audio recordings ending where they do comes as an absolute act of mercy. Usable the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Garly the Giant was played by special guest Vic McAlice, the host of very important people on Dropout TV. The safe little nest for all the shows network television can barely explain to each other. Vic would like to plug Trans Lifeline, a non-profit organization offering direct emotional and

financial support for trans people in crisis. Props to that. To learn more, visit translifeline.org. Heads up that we're taking next week off for the 4th of July. There will be an Unlocked Patreon episode on the main feed to tide you over. And then we'll be back, partially recharged, with a new episode on the following Monday, July 8th. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like

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I am humiliated. With Carl Tartt that has never been released until now. Still not new. Here's a clip. You're a busker? Is that correct? That is me. Song sing, I see.

Oh wow, so you're sort of a- He pulled off a run. That's amazing. Wow, so you're sort of a... He pulled off a run. That's amazing. Wow, so you sing songs? Sing your tune for a taste of mead. All gather around and take heed. Oh, great. Oh, a mead for you then.

I shall be right back. What would other people like to have? I'll take a penicillin. Penicillin? Tell them I want like... Go up to the bar and say, what should I have? I'm not going to do that. I'll be right back.

I'll have a mead and soda. Mead and soda. Ooh, mead and soda, great. Once we get you a taste of mead, we can hear some of your music? Absolutely. Why, you seem like such a like friendly fellow. What are you doing in a tough bar like this?

I like it here. I feel like the aesthetic fits me. I love the taxidermy. Oh yeah. I'm in town meeting families as I do. Meeting families? Yes. Mothers, fathers, sons. Sure.

Daughters. Oh. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Chris Rathjen. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground, and I heard somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it.

But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels... There are murders in all of the books that she was playing them out in real life? Follow Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus.