Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 16 - Bone Mage (w/ Jacob Wysocki)

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

Got some bones you don’t need? Well, the Bone Mage has an offer for you.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiBone Mage: Jacob WysockiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Looking for the ultimate Prime Day offer? Look no further. Wondery Plus has your back with three months of Wondery Plus for free. Wondery Plus is your ticket to the best podcast experience out there, with early access to top series like Red Handed, American Scandal, and more. Visit Wondery.com slash plus to start your three-month free trial today and make this Prime Day the best one yet. The world of junior tennis is organized chaos. From executive producers LeBron James, Maverick Carter, and Sloan Stevens.

These kids are four of the top junior players in the world. You have to keep pushing yourself to the limit. Let's go! This summer Amazon presents Uninterrupted's Top Class Tennis. Premiering on Freebie and Prime Video July 18th. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Let me just remove these headphones. You see, before listening to this audio transmission each week, I do a careful ear conditioning routine where I listen to an hour of an old man trying to get a baby onesie onto a bobcat

so that when it's time to listen to this, my sound reception organs are comparatively grateful, and when they're not, I have the Spider-Man turn off the dark soundtrack. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Kamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift. And I use that to record a podcast recorded here

in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of food. And I'm joined as always by my co-host chad the talking badger Blip blop what's wrong buddy? Oh, I was just thinking about garly Remember garly anything about garly too. I feel like the two of us had something special two of us had something special I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Well, I know chun you and I have something special but I was saying well We have something special but it's not on the level of Garley and I okay. Well sure look nobody whatever you need to make yourself feel Okay, I know same and also with you and also that also and also with you And also with you

Back off man I don't know. Garley's tearing us apart. I- Arnie, here's the thing. I've dated. I've done the deed. Uh, is what you asked me to say sometimes instead of the word sex. I will say when I- when you say it that way, it makes me think you haven't though. Oh. Well no, I've- Eee-oo-ee-oo-boink-y-boink-y-boink. In and out, in and out, to completion.

Arnie, I've done all that that but I've never had like a real Love, you know, like, you know, I'm saying like it'd be nice to settle down with someone have a long-term thing get married one day I've never had that. Yeah, you're you're right. Yeah Hey, where's uh, where's you sit over this happened? Sometimes sometimes use it or his magic isn't working as well as it should and his magic is frozen And he has to restart all of his magic and we decide to just start the show until he can get his magic to work properly Oh, yeah So it's probably like two minutes of not getting his magic to work. I don't know

Here's the thing isn't it about time. He gets some new magic. That's what I've been saying This has happened enough where it's like invest in some better magic. Yes modern magic. Yes get with the times I feel like his magic one all his spells take so long, right? And it's a lot of words in the end like It's like our shkosh big gosh or whatever. We're sickle-biggle They go like it's it's a lot of weird words and it takes so long Let's say the part that we're not saying out loud Yeah, is he like how much porn is he looking at with his magic that his magic is so slow to start up It's quite a lot. It's quite a lot. Even when he's on the podcast. He's looking at porn

He I don't know what else he stood behind him recently He grew another face in the back of his head just so he can watch porn That's really unprofessional. Yeah, it's a little oh, oh shit. Here he comes. This magic is just here he comes Wait don't don't Shut what we said, this is between us. Okay, and I guess our listening audience listeners Do not send us any emails about this at magic tatavern at puppies.supplies. Unless you have recommendations for, um, for what Ysidor should watch. Yeah. Search terms, links. I'm sure that'll be fine, right? Your MacBook will be fine.

Here he comes. Hey, buddy! Ysidor, can you hear us? I know you're, you're having some trouble getting your magic to start. Yes, well, yes, I sort of woke up this morning and it was sort of a Oh, have you checked under the hood? And I just couldn't quite get the magical Cadence that I needed going but now I'm firing all null Gems, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, who knows? Chunt, Chunt. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I think you're right. Is that the noise he makes when he's watching the porn with his magic? Oh, yes

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a it's a low hum Look I can hear you both. Oh Really? Oh now you can hear us every time I'm not here. You don't have to paint me into some damn corner Okay, sorry. Um All right. We were talking about your porn addiction and we just wanna say we're cool with it. Thank you. Yeah, let's be sex positive.

Ooh, have you guys ever seen a bone mage? Ever seen a what? Bone mage? I don't know if you have them on Earth, so I don't know if we could search it in your phone, Arnie, but a bone mage, ooh la la. Just a beautiful mysterious creature. Never seen a bone mage. Tell me more strange coincidence I think our guest this week is a bone mage bone mage

Where my ears burning they were because you were talking about me Yeah, my apologies. We were just talking. I mean I was saying how bone maids are just Majestic beautiful creatures. I mean take yourself sir. You're very cuddly. Thank you very much You can't see me between all of my shawls and rags a hidden face a hidden visage Well, that's what I mean is that you leave a lot to the imagination Practically everything and to me that is the sexiest thing sure Well, that's what I mean is that you leave a lot to the imagination, practically everything. And to me that is the sexiest thing. Sure.

Yes, mystery is very effective. Can I ask what you get going on under all those shaws and veils? Oh, please, please, leave a little bit for the imagination. It's pretty horrifying, honestly, out here. Pretty bad. Yeah, pretty rough stuff, really. It might dissuade you from speaking to me. Well, in our defense, we are good friends with a skeleton named Klax.

So we've seen a skeleton before. So if you're just a skeleton out there... Whoa! Pretty quick assumption there, Bucko. Pretty fast. Oh, well, the bone mage must be made of bones. He mustn't have any flesh It doesn't seem like a ridiculous assumption to make Oh classic stuff, man. This is classic stuff man Usador usador. So sorry you have to excuse him. His magic is really slow

His brain is riddled from like crazyness. Well, you think a water nymphs made of water? Well, that's a good point. They are definitely not. What are they made out of, though? I'm going to guess flesh and bones. So you're acknowledging, though, that you are made up of some amount of bone. I've got bones.

I've got more bones than you can handle, man. But I'm not just bones. I think it's really important. I'm so sorry. Would you prefer I refer to you as Bone Mage. Do you have a name? Bone Mage is great. Bone Mage, okay.

Bone Mage. You know, with my job requires a little bit of animinity. You don't want to just blow the load and tell everybody who you really are when you're collecting bones. You sir, the back of your head just twitched. Oh, well, there's a bird in there. Okay, wait, wait. Is it your bird? It's one of my birds. One Oh, well, there's a bird in there. Okay, wait, wait.

Is it your bird? It's one of my birds, one of my friends. It's a bird, yes. I wouldn't say I own it. I would say we're friends. I was gonna say if you own it, I could maybe see what you're gonna do with its bones later, but if it's not your bird tone,

I don't wanna inquire. Be rude. We're friends, but I definitely lay claim to its bones. So if you need those bones, just let me know. You have claim to the bones? Yeah, I'm friends with the bird, but I definitely will get its bones. So you have clear bonership, is what you're saying. I have clear bonership.

Well, if you're the boner, I would love to talk to you. Oh, I'm definitely a boner. Great, great, great. Do you have any plans for these bones after it's deceased? Ah, maybe like kind of suck the marrow out after they've been roasted or something, but I. And you're dead set on that? I'm not dead set on it.

I'm willing to barter a trade. I don't know what you have in mind. I'd love to get the rights to these bones. Okay. I'd love to just have full ownership rights of these bones as soon as the bird's deceased. Okay, so you wanna put an option on these bones. Is that because you want to actually do something

with the bones or you just don't want anyone else to do something with the bones? Well, I'm a bone mage and as you know, we collect bones. Bone mage. Bone mage. We collect bones and I'm in the business of bones, so anytime there's bones to be bid, I'm making a bid, dear sir.

Okay, well, I'll take whatever offer you may have. Oh, you sir I know it's been a while since yes on this Would you be able to for our friend the guest really the bone mech today? Would you be able to summon up the power of Atty? Oh, yes, I could summon up the power of Atty What's that man? Well, it's sort of like, when a life force no longer has the will to live on its own,

you can sort of have the life force for it by having the power of Atony. Balalasala, flubrubrubrubam. See what I mean, honey? Yeah, oh yeah. Whoa, a contract. Yes, a contract has appeared here. Uh, I just, but before we sign anything, I just wanted to hear the Bone Mages offer. Very simple offer.

You give me the bones, I'll take the bones forward in perpetuity. Moving forward, you have no rights to the bones. Okay. You can have one bone visitation over the course of the future bone ownership. No, I'm so sorry. I have one clarifying question. The one bone visitation, is that one visitation or one bone? Really smart guy here. Are you a lawyer?

I am actually. For a brief time I was the greatest lawyer in all of Fenn. But I think I gave that power to Ysidor. Okay, all right. I don't really like dealing with lawyers. They ask lots of questions. And questions are no good in bone collecting, I'll tell you that. Yes, the problem is, if a bone mage

is asked a question, he must answer. Oh, okay. It is true. Any question? If you ask me a question, I must try to answer. Bone mage, it's just the law of the bone mage. Bone mage. It is one full bone visitation.

Unless the bones have been used, then those bones, you obviously can't visit them. Sure. Bones in which are remained may be visited once. I see. Yousor, if you're being given visitation rights, you should make sure you're not paying alibony. Am I paying alibony?

You have to answer. As long as you don't, in the course of this contract being signed, get married, give the bones to somebody else, have a divorce, there will be no alibony. Arnie, Chunt, we weren't planning on getting married during this episode, were we? Guess not now. No, but it's always a threat.

OK, well, I see. Bone Mage, in return for this, what do what do I receive? Oh, I mean, we can go classic. We can go classic gold, if that's what you're looking for. We could go silver. We could go smashed coins or perhaps you're a man with particularly Divine taste and you'd like some

fairy dust You have fairy dust to offer for these not pink fairy dust green fairy dust white fairy dust red fairy dust blue fairy dust Periwinkle fairy dust. What do you need? Holy shit, Arnie? This is huge I don't know if you know about this in the 80s and foon everyone did fairy dust but then it just kind of went the way of the dodo. Oh the dodos are extinct here I should say. Yes I I desperately have needed I and I don't know if you had it it wasn't in your list I've desperately needed some lavender fairy dust if you can procure that you can I'll give you this bird right now I'll snap its neck. Oh, you're a lavender fellow, huh? You like to get tiny. Like to make yourself real small.

You're a little freak, aren't you? Yes. Well, I mean, I have lots of things that I could make different sizes, small, big, whatever. But this is just one of the sizes I like to be. And I like to make other things. So lavender fairy dust, of course, is a key component in the spell casting for such a thing. So yeah, I'm a little light on lavender. Yeah, I mean, for those birds bones, I could just I could knock you off a little dime bag. Some lavender dust. Okay. Well, all right. Here, let me just grab this bird and then. Oh, you killed it. Interesting it interesting. You know part of the country the bird doesn't have to be when we sign a contract It can just be when you go naturally, but it is dead and I will take its bones now

So that was a neat that was a needless death is what yeah, I was absolutely grotesque life is hard crazy stuff, man Anyways, I'll just go and take these bones Can I say before we get too far away from this, you mentioned classic gold. Have people moved away from the new gold? I know for a while everyone was trying to get everyone to use new gold, but are we back to classic gold again? I prefer classic gold. I like how it bends on your teeth. I like how it smells. And the new gold, there's just something about tapping with it, you just kind of tap it and then it goes away. And I don't know, there's something about old gold where you'd take it out, you'd weigh it,

you'd hand it hand to hand, they give you gold back or silver back and change. But now with the new gold, you're just putting it and it goes away. I don't know, I miss it. It's so easy to lose track of, you know, because it just immediately dissipates into the atmosphere. You're not getting a receipt really

when you use the new gold? That's right. Well, I ask my gold lender to send me a raven every time I make a transaction with new gold and the gold dissipates, then a raven shows up at my house. But then I have a bunch of ravens at my house that I'm like, what am I gonna save these Ravens until tax season? You tell me you've got more birds. Oh, yeah, I'm I love those lousy with birds

I'm lousy with birds covered with bird shit famously canonically. Would you be open for like a long-term bird bone contract? Sure, I can kill some right now if you like no I'm not used to you don't have to kill them It's tough because a lot of people think that the bone age bear mage Rocks around the walks around the earth covered in death sure and dismay and despair I just want your bones when you're ready to give them no rush. It's not so bad Have you thought about your marketing your branding? I tried to knife learn this money Not so bad. Have you thought about your marketing?

Your branding? I'll try to deny I've learned this from Arnie. Maybe, maybe, but while being a bone mage is a perfectly acceptable and lovely career, perhaps you should be a celebration of life mage. Oh God. I don't want to read brand man. That's a pain in the ass. How would you feel if I was like, maybe you shouldn't be a wizard, you should be a magic

user. That kind of chop your eye, right? Yeah, no you're right, that sounds like shit. Well let's take a quick break and we'll sort of... Quick break? Thank you so much, Hardy. We'll grab some drinks and sort of settle the tensions here. We'll be right back with more.

Bode Mage. Bode Mage. Bode Mage. Bode Mage. I'm Dan Tbersky. In 2011, something strange began to happen at the high school in Leroy, New York. I was like at my locker and she came up to me and she was like stuttering super bad. I'm like, stop f***ing around.

She's like, I can't. A mystery illness, bizarre symptoms, and spreading fast. Like doubling and tripling and it's all these girls. With a diagnosis the state tried to keep on the down-low. Everybody thought I was holding something back. Well you were holding something back intentionally. Yeah, yeah, well, yeah. No, it's hysteria. It's all in your head. It's not physical.

You're, oh my gosh, you're exaggerating. Is this the largest mass hysteria since The Witches of Salem? Or is it something else entirely? Something's wrong here. Something's not right. Leroy was the new dateline, and everyone was trying to solve the murder. A new limited series from Wondery and Pineapple Street Studios, Hysterical.

Follow Hysterical on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Hysterical early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery+. The world of junior tennis is organized chaos. I really love that element of being by yourself out there. by joining Wondery Plus. These kids are four of the top junior players in the world. You have to keep pushing yourself to the limit. That's so hard on your body. The hardest part is finding those times to be a normal kid. You know, instead of going to prom, I was playing the junior French Open.

It's a lot of sacrifice. Schoolwork. Friends. Sleep. This is not normal life. You have to really love this. If I can control my anxiety, I could come out on top. It's all on you. All the work you're putting in to be a pro.

How bad do you want this? I'll basically play until I drop. Let's go. This summer, Amazon presents Uninterrupted's Top Class Tennis. It's going pro or nothing. Premiering on Freebie and Prime Video July 18th. So, Bonmage, what got you in- Bone Mage?

What, Bone Mage? What got you into bone magistry in the first place? It's a family job. It's sort of in the lineage a little bit. My uncle was a bone mage. Bone Mage. His dad was a bone mage. Bone Magege. His dad was a bone mage. Bone mage.

And so I just, you know, I did a little bit of wandering around. I followed this band around after high school. Just kind of aimlessly wandered around from the ages of like, I don't know, 17 to 42, just following this band. You followed a band that long? Yeah, my early years. Basically, my young adult years, man. Sure, yeah, why not?

And then, you know, 42 creeps up on you, 45, 47, 50, 55, and you're still following this band around, and you're like, I should probably start doing something with my life, am I gonna become my uncle? Right. And then you're 60, 65, 110, and your, the band's gone because they've died. They don't have the same sort of lifespan that you do.

And you start to listen to the recordings and then you start logging the recordings and you start finding all of the live recordings that have been lost on magic cassette tapes and things like that and old sonar discs. Live at Winterland, yes. Yes, and then you're 200, 400 years old and you finally start the trade.

Oh, and I have to ask, you know, since you followed a band for so long in your formative years, typically if you follow a band for too long, you start to sync up with the other concert goers, is that right? And then there is a greater chance that you might die at the exact same time as somebody else and that's called a die tie or a tie-dye. Yeah man, a lot of group deaths following this band around, a lot of tie-dyes, really disastrous stuff honestly. So sad,

yeah it's really sad. I lost a lot of good brothers, sisters, misters, and witches in between. So sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you have an amazing library of wonderful memories. It sounds like you use magical cassette tapes. I always preferred crystal descants, mini crystal descants, but the mini CD format really didn't take off

the way I hoped. You know, I honestly, I wish I could have gone back in time and talked to a younger version of myself and say, invest in the newer technologies. Sure. Of crystals. And I said, no, no, no, I'm a little apprehensive

about that. I'll have to buy a whole new thing to play them. Right. And so I stuck with what I knew. I stuck with the magical tapes. And now I look like an old foggy, because who's got a magical tape player? You're screwed no matter what you do, though.

I had my crystal desk hands, but everyone was like, orbs, orbs, orbs. It's all about orbs. There's going to be a day when you can't get an orb, or somebody bigger than you decides, I don't want this orb floating around. And then they just take the orb out of the ether. That day's coming.

And how are you gonna listen to that then, huh? What do you do when they take it away? Well, I think you'll just project yourself directly into the ether using some sort of a coma state or something, some sort of self-imposed coma. Wizards always have the answer. You sort of, you're always suggesting a coma state is the next technology

What was the what was the name of this band that you followed around for it sounds like at least a hundred years You guys must have heard of them heroes and heroines. Oh, of course Ernie you think seven seventeen to forty three is a hundred years Well, no, it started as 17 to 43, but he was clearly then following them at least until he was a hundred. Yeah, but you start to have doubts about what you're doing to your life at some point

in that span of time. It's not all just following, it's following and doubting. And sorry, you said bones and arrows? Heroes and heroines. You know heroes and heroines, right? Heroes and heroines. Oh, it sounds familiar, but I can't think of their... Did they have like a big hit? School's out forever! Remember that one?

That was a very popular one, because we had to cancel school all throughout food. Forever? Because people loved the song so much. Forever. Oh, those were the good old days. I Would love for someone to make a song that's that's just as popular. It's like schools back in session Because the children desperately need education here in food They they mostly just run around Kicking up dirt and drawing things in the dirt. They just love dirt

They're just they're just love to hang out in the dirt bunch of dirt mages dead mage Dermot do you know dirt mage bone mage? Yeah, I do know dead mage. It's a dirty I mean, he's a he's a fucking weirdo. Yeah, I yeah, obviously Weirder than mud mage cuz that guy's a freak. Yeah, technically I Might I don't know if I'm allowed to say this come close come really close. I'm extremely close As the bones mud mage and dirt mage yeah, they're the same mage Get out of here Possible they're the same man. It's just when sometimes when it rains

or whatever, the dirt mage becomes mud mage. You're telling me billionaire philanthropist, dirt mage is the same as mud mage. Yes. Dirt mage obviously wears glasses. Mud mage doesn't. But mud mage talks talks completely differently mud mage's voice is like I'm mud mage What made you how about this want to see something crazy? Yes? I'm a mud mage Whoa, see how I changed my voice. Huh? I lied to you. I'm not mud mage. I'm fun mage Oh, so dirt mate. You're saying dirt mage is changing his voice and gets corrective magical Spells put on his vision every time he takes a lot of friends the glasses They're just fake guys guys guys. I think bone mage is dirt mage is mud mage

Right, do I have to sit down to repeat all of these? All right, you don't have to do anything except for stay tall and die I repeat, all of these. Bone Mage. Arnie, you don't have to do anything except for stay tall and die. Oh. Bone Mage. Bone Mage. I don't know if we ever got,

oh Bone Mage. Bone Mage. I don't know if we ever got your name. Do you have a name or do you just go by Bone Mage? Bone Mage. Bone Mage. Bone Mage. Yeah, I think it's implied that

there is no other appellation waiting to be revealed. Or not one that he's comfortable sharing with us. I mean, I had a name before I became the Bone Mage, but that gets etched in time. That gets completely erased. Oh, sure. When you take on the duties of becoming a Bone Mage. Most mages, you know,

they sort of toss aside their old identity. So you said your uncle was the Bone Mage, and then his father before him. Yes. Do you become the bone mage after they? I'm sorry in advance my condolences after they pass away or just your uncle's just like Retired and get his name back now when a bone mage becomes bones A new bone mage is crowned and he collects the bones from the previous bone mage and begins his journey as bone mage Whoa, Arnie, that's like you becoming a podcast when you die.

That's my hope. There's something interesting in the way you phrase that. When the Bone Mage becomes Bones, doesn't necessarily mean he dies. Correct. Well, I don't know. I mean, I suppose there are situations where Bones do get reanimated,

where skeletons become electrified and walk around on their own sure And I don't want to get into a giant philosophical argument of what alive and what isn't I mean that could be quite complicated But I just sort of turn a blind eye and get the bones is that bad to say? Is that bad to admit you're mostly focused on getting bones? Yeah, like sometimes they don't want to look at the ethics of everything, you know? Is that bad?

Like sometimes I just like, want to eat something that was alive and I don't want to think about it. I don't take any ethical issue with that at all. Apropos of nothing, I have a bag of birds here that happened to be dead. I didn't kill these. These are just some that I found.

Okay. What happened to your bag of alive birds that you had previously? I left it at home. Oh, okay. Check that out. So this is a different bag of birds? Yeah, absolutely. You promise? I promise. Those live birds are still in a bag at home having the time of their lives. Look, I'd love to just go ahead and get the rights to those bones. Do you guys know what you're gonna do with your bones? You have plans? That's a great question. You have big plans for your bones? Yeah yeah. I'd love to get in the mix. Oh interesting. Arnie do you have any plans for your bones? I mean I just always

assumed that my bones are just trash and that... Ho ho ho ho! Not Natural bone, mage! Bones aren't trash! One man's trash is another mage's bones. Yes! My word! I hate to hear that. Don't talk about my friend that way! Thank you! You're making me feel good about my bones for the first time in a while. Yeah, it's very valuable. I mean, sp- important.

And I think- oh boy, I mean, when a shapeshifter dies, um, magic users can shapeshift their bones into like a little statue or maybe like a charm or a bracelet or something. So maybe, maybe I'll be made into jewelry and I'll leave myself to you too and hopefully you wear me. Okay, so it sounds like you've got a plan. You're not really looking to get rid of your bones? I could get rid of some bones.

Is there a specific set of bones you're looking for? It gets hard when you start to break it up. It gets hard, you know? Yeah. Do I want issue 13 of The Walking Dead? Which of course is a very very popular scribe novel here. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Yes.

So popular. Very popular. Fell off. was really popular and it fell off and nobody talks about it anymore, but it was at one point really popular. Do I want issue 13, 17 and 19? No, I want one through 20, babe. Arnie, are you familiar with The Walking Dead? Is that similar at all to Fear the Walking Dead?

No, it's good. It's very funny. The whole thing is very funny. It's a very funny tale about a guy who dies here in Foon. I don't know why I said that. Of course that's where he dies. He dies here in Foon and then he just, he starts walking around and getting to know people.

Like kind of like living the life he always wanted to live. It's so funny. And sometimes it's just like, sometimes they just describe that he's like a quiet goofy guy doing just like a lot of physical humor Alright, the thing that you told me about that you said you loved that you're reminding me of it was mr. Bean. Mr. Bean Mr. Bean, I love mr. Bean and Arnie there is a there is a Chris must Issue of walking dead that is just just like you said with mr. Bean, is just tremendous, just top of the game.

I love Mr. Bean, especially how he cucked James Acaster. Now, I don't know if I can offer you my own bones because when a wizard dies, they turn into a beam of perfect white light that shoots into the heavens and returns to the realms of Ephesius where the goddesses first demand that we walk here upon Foon. But I am willing to create an entire duplicate skeleton

of my own and give it to you right now. That'd be awesome. That'd be great. I just have one quick question. Okay. Are you getting nasty with these bones? What are you up to with these bones? Oh my god.

That's a good question. He's gotta answer too, he's gotta answer. You guys are so old fashioned. You've never met a bone mage before? You're asking such archaic questions. Are you made of bones? Do you have flesh? Now I'm worried he was buttering up my bones

because he wanted to do something nasty with them. God, I hate these misconceptions. I'm so sorry I'm just I if I don't ask questions I don't look. I will say a friend uh just to assuage your concerns here about five or six years ago there was a traveling uh I think it was called Boneworks is this traveling exhibit that went from village to town to lakeside bog and it was like people's bones in weird positions of like fucking and handstands and sorry Arnie doing the deed and muscular systems and the veins yes It was just really

Really disturbing well those are a bunch of dirty con men and they're nothing they're nothing of the sort of bone mages. Okay. Asking a bone mage what he does with his bones is asking like asking a chef what he does with fire. It's like asking a barber what he does with scissors. I guess his job is what exactly. Yeah okay. I collect the bones I hold the bones and when you need bones you go to a bone mage and you won't find me fucking them and you won't find Me sucking them and you certainly won't find them inside any of my folds Oh, wait, one of his business cards fell out and it says exactly that you won't find me fucking Okay. Yeah, it's all his business card. May I keep this? We are allowed to have it. Yes. It's made of bone Something that you said that I that I noticed there was if I need bones. You need bones?

I always need bones. Yes! Part of a bones mage journey is the trade of bones. Oh, I see. You want bones for a bone jewelry? I've got it. You want bones for a spell? I've got it. You want bones for a ragent?

I've got it. You want bones just to have bones? Baby, I'm your guy. Okay, great. Well, I do need a unicorn skull. Can you hook me up there for a special spell I've been working on? I mean, I'd have to check my inventory.

I could maybe go around a couple of the boneman, but that's a pretty big, that's a huge bone item. That's why I've been waiting. I keep telling Arnie it's for his birthday, but I never get him anything because I'm waiting for this unicorn skull. Unicorn horn bone. Yeah, let me see. I'll uh...

I don't want a unicorn skull. No, it's part of the spell for your birthday. Sometimes you have to grind bones. Sometimes you have to dust bones. Sometimes you have to sludge bones. You use bones for all different kinds of reasons. Oh yeah. You know, Bone-Maid, you're pretty cool.

I just feel like you own bones. Whoa. Wow, thanks. That makes me feel really seen. Do you have a bone home? Do I have a bone home? Is that some sort of cheeky thing, or are you just asking if I have a place that I live? You think I live in a bone hut? I mean, I guess in my mind's eye I was picturing like a house made of bones. No. All right. Maybe there's like a- my mailbox is made of bones.

Yeah, but that's like cheeky fun. I'm sorry. I live in like a normal thatched hut home. The mailbox lets people know that's where they can go trade in their bones or get some bones. Yeah, and I'm in an extensive basement full of different bones and an archive of bones. It's sort of an underground labyrinth.

Very, very well organized though. I've got those trays that you can pull out and you can see all different kinds of bones. I have a refrigerated bone room. I've got a temperate bone room. That's just a temperate rainforest where I put the bones that is kind of hanging around. It's a really large basement.

It's really cool, but just a normal house. You know a lot about bones. What's your favorite bone? The penis. Fair, fair, fair fair fair. I gotta be honest. That's one of those I answer that question all the time I'm they're constantly asking it. Sorry. It's sort of just like a loaded answer. It's a back pocket answer I always forget that the penis is a bone and since for certain animals it truly is Yeah, several times Arnie when I've shape-shifted I've had either a bone. For certain animals it truly is. Yeah.

Several times Arnie when I've shapeshifted I've had either a bone penis or even a cloaca. Oh. Arnie, do you know what a cloaca is? Oh yeah. Bird bone. Bird bone. That's a bird bone. Yeah, so what am I getting for this sack of dead birds?

I could give you like an eighth of pink fairy dust. Oh that's right, we gotta get back to the drugs. We totally lost track of the drugs. I'm gonna give you this sack of dead birds. Forget where I crossed out the word live. Dead birds. And wrote in the word dead. Yes.

These are all yours now. And I'll take some of that pink fairy dust. Here you go. Thank you. Don't blow that all in one load. I don't get it. Thank you. Don't blow that all in one load. I don't get it. How do you source this fairy dust? Oh, come on. Let's move on.

I just want to make sure it's safe. Oh, come on. Here we are again with the ethics. Ethics and morals. Is it bad to put a fairy in a cage and milk its wings for dust? Is it bad? Do they want to be out? I don't know. I don't speak fairy. I don't speak fey. Sounds... sounds bad. I don't know. They have purpose, right? You have to get fairy dust somehow. People need it. It's medicinal.

Yes, that's true. It's a lot of people's medicine. You know, uh... You drink milk? Yeah, when you drink milk, you drink milk all the time. Then shut the fuck up man Arnie basically, it's we also call it fake. Wah, okay. It's fake. Wah fake. Wah. So swan Oluf a crochet

Fagwa is a fairy's liver Okay And yes their cage and their force fed until their liver expands and the milk from the liver Of course the liver milk goes into the wings the liver expands and the milk from the liver, of course the liver milk goes into the wings. It's milked in liquid form and then dried out over the course of eight to 10 days and then it becomes a fine powder.

Do we feel guilty about it? Sure, but the thing is, you know, you have to have fairy dust. What are you gonna use? Almond dust? It's just as bad the amount of water you have to use. Oh yeah. The fact that you have to bring in pollinators, it's bad.

Yeah. It's bad. Look, I take really good care of my fairies. They get free flight twice a day. They're in the sun. Their cages are next to trees. It's pretty cool. It's pretty nice.

They're like free range fairies. Yes, exactly. I put cayenne pepper in their feeds. So there's not parasites in their bellies. That's nice. I know in some places in the east they even give beer to the fairies and then like massage them and that produces some exquisite dust. Really good dust.

Interesting side note, Arnie Chunt, I have been putting cayenne in your feed too to help you from having parasites. I wondered where all my ticks went. Thank you. Uh, Arnie Chunt, I've been putting cayenne in your feed too, to help you from having parasites. I wondered where all my ticks went. Thank you. If you eat enough cayenne, it can change the tinge of your bones. Oh, like a flamingo. Uh, let's take a quick break, but when we get back, I want to find out what we're getting for your bones. My name is Georgia King, and I am thrilled to be the host of And Away We Go, a brand

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And the shoes clicking against the cobblestone. If you're looking to get somebody in the mood, have them look at the Chicago skyline. You can listen to And Away We Go exclusively with Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Georgia, do you know what joy sounds like? I think I'm hearing it right now. Hey, Prime Day shoppers.

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with Wondery.com slash plus. Don't just shop, make your Prime Day truly prime with Wondery Plus. Now Arnie, I want you to hold fast. Don't cave in too quickly. Make sure you get something really good for your bones because you're very tall. Yeah. Your bones are long. And there's nothing that this guy's gonna like

better than a long bone. Yeah, and they're earth bones, aren't they? So sort of a foreign bone. It's exotic, and he might covet those more, because you're one of a kind here. That's true, I am from another world. Yeah, sorry, I don't know if we mentioned this, but our friend's from another world. Yeah, I'm from another world. They usually lead with that. No! Foreign bones! friends from another world so yeah I'm from another world they usually lead with that no foreign bones yeah okay basically ivory over here very cool just

gonna crunch some numbers yes okay yes okay just kind of tumbling bones in a little box there yeah all right um I'm willing to make an offer. Okay. I want full bonership. I want it in perpetuity. Okay. And I don't want, I want the whole package. I don't want you parceling out any of the bones. Okay.

I wanna be able to use your bones and put them in any position. Maybe pair them up with another set of bones and put them in another position. Sounds a lot like boneworks, aren't it? put them in another position Sounds a lot like boneworks. I'm Hmm, I'm crunching the numbers. Ah Yes, would you be willing to take some dirt and mud for your bones? Hmm Arnie take it amazing deal Arnie take it now. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on now Arnie I want you to think long and hard about this before you take any deal.

I think you can get more than dirt and mud for your bones. But also Chunt, I think this leans credence to your theory that this might be the dirt and mud mage. I couldn't understand your whispers. That was very perceptive of you Chunt to figure out that the bone mage is also the dirt mage and the mud mage. Yes. This is right? Yes. Yeah, I think you might be on to something. Mud mage is also the dirt mage and the mud mage. Yes. Mud mage. This is right? Yes. Yeah, I think you might be on to something. Mud mage.

Mud mage. Arnie doesn't accept your first offer and would like to see what else you may have in place of dirt and mud. OK, didn't expect that. Crazy. Pretty good offer on the table, bone mage. How about the scrotum of a gargoyle?

Oh, Arnie, take it now. Take it, take it, take it, Arnie, take it. Arnie, please, take it, take it, take it. I will say that's the biggest scrotum I've ever seen. It's huge, it's huge. And at night it does turn into cement. Oh, Arnie. Okay, that's good.

I was worried it would turn into like flesh. Does it change back every morning? No, for most certainly. Arnie, take this. This is the best deal you're ever gonna get. Or, I don't know, maybe you could just take some dirt and mud. I don't know. Oh, but dirt and mud's back on the table already!

Yes, say yes, say yes, say yes! No, I will, I will. Why are you even trying to get rid of this dirt and mud? Why would I want it? Also, look, uh, Bone Mage. Bone Mage? If that is your real name. We know it isn't.

He told us that his real name was the and the etchings of time And he'll get it back when he's no longer the bone mage if he becomes some sort of animated bone man I guess my question is if I give you the rights to my bones and I Someday hopefully go back to my world Can I someday, hopefully, go back to my world, then what happens? Like, are my bones trapped here? Like, do you track me down in another world?

Yeah, I'll have to go on a quest and find your bones. What do you think I spend most of my time? Most of my time is tracking down bones, unfortunately. It's a real tough job. I have, you know, no matter how tall the mountain or how strong the storm or how how strong the storm or how how fierce the dragon I must get these bones the mine it does sound like a tough job we've been very rude would you like to sit down you've

been standing this whole time yeah I thought you'd never ask geez Louise so ask. Jeez Louise. So sorry. My bones are barking. Oh he set down several bags of bones some dog bones fell out there. Well as Arnie's attorney I would like to take this moment and and make a counter offer. For Arnie's bones we'll take the dirt and mud and the scrotum. What do you think of that? Sounds like a deal to me. Wait, nah, you know what? I don't want any of those. I don't want any of that stuff. Why? I'm gonna keep the rights to my bones. I might use them someday.

Last offer. Okay. And I'm walking away. You just sat down. I'm ready to get- I'm ready to walk. This is business. You're leaning slightly Well, yeah, let me get this but I have a bone under my butt Yeah, there's a coccyx

We'll give you the mud we'll give you the dirt We'll give you them separately. We'll give you the scrotum and I'll let you take a peek of my face I'll take the shawl off for a second. You can just take a little peek of my face and know who you're doing business with. Arnie, this is very tempting. Arnie, oh my godesses. And maybe, I maybe, this is a bounty. Maybe, Arnie, you could maybe give him your bones in like four easy installments. So maybe you keep some of your bones so you can keep doing whatever you do. Well, no, no, I keep them until I'm dead. Oh, okay, whatever. Yeah, that's fine. He keeps them till he's dead, right? Of course!

Unless you want to give them to me early and then I'll kill you for your bones. But that's up to you. That's up to you. Nothing nefarious. Ysidor, can you work your magic? You said you could make a clone of your bones. Could you make a bone clone for Arnie? Can you make an Arnie bone clone?

Sure, I can make an Arnie bone clone. Arnie, do you consent to this bone clonage? Don't turn guess so this is a thing where like a like a extra on a Movie and then you just scan my my visage and I my bones are just gonna show up in movies without me being paid No, no, no Well, here's my question I would consider I'm I'm seriously considering No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, face looked like, most aptly, I would say I look like a background

actor on a show called Glee. Hmm. So, and by that I mean an adult clearly playing younger, but getting away with it. Yeah. Okay. One of my favorite traveling shows in Foon, Glee. Ornie, an adult playing a kid and getting away with it? Didn't you say your favorite actor is Stockyard Channing?

Mm-hmm. Isn't that what she did? Yeah. At 38? Arnie, you gotta take a big at this face. All right. Hold on, hold on, hold on. As your attorney, I have to ask one last question. Will seeing your true face kill Arnie immediately?

Ah, you got me. God damn it. You got me. That was a good question. You got me. If you ask immediately. Ah, you got me. Ah, damn it. You got me. That's a good question. You got me. If you ask a bone mage, he must answer. Yes, you would melt. Your face would melt.

Yeah. Oh, good question. Oh, so close. Dang it! Dang it! You've got such good bones, too. Really good stuff. That's a bummer, but no hard feelings, huh?

No, no, no. Yeah, hey. You gotta try. We all came to play. Oh, and I would have gotten all three of you too. Ah! What a hoax. Oh, because we all would have seen it. We all would have died.

You all would have seen it. Maybe even the bartender. That would have been such a score for you, Dan. That's awesome. Yeah, it would have been good. That's awesome. Yeah, this is mostly what I do. Sure.

Yeah. Mostly what I do in between finding bones. I just trick people into wanting to see my face and they melt and then I get their bones. Damn, really, really bone them. Oh, we would have melted even. Oh my gosh.

Yes, as soon as you see my face, you sort of melt. It's really gnarly. It's pretty, ah, it's disgusting. Ah, dang it. Yeah, you're like a walking Ark of the Covenant, man. Just melting people off their bones. What is that, Arnie? That was a band that I think opened for heroes and heroines

maybe 400 years ago. Earth people are loving it. Before we go, bone thug. Wake up, wake up. Be honest. Well, if you ask, I have to. Are you really the mud mage? You got my ass.

Yeah, I'm the mud mage. I'm the Dirt Mage. There's only one mage. There's only one mage, okay? Wow. You got me. I'm the Bone Mage. I'm the Mud Mage.

I'm the Water Mage. I'm the Fire Mage. I'm just a la elemental. That's what happens. But who's the Ice Mage? Me, unfortunately. Oh, okay. I'm so tired.

Are you Mama Mage? I'm Mama Mage. Are you mama mage? I'm mama mage and the age mage I'm unfortunately also the age mage and the Time Lord mage, which is very confusing Brady mage handy mage Yes, mage it. Yes. There's no fucking way you're the hedge mage Ah, I wish I wasn't because that's one of that I kind of put on the back burner You can't be good at all of the mage dumps, you know what I mean? Yeah, and so a lot of the sort of like green thumb areas, I've just really let rot.

I just, it's not for me. I'm really not good at it. What about the rage mage? You better believe it, babe. Check these out. Sunglasses. Whoa, sunglasses. Don't look at his face, don't look at his face.

No. You almost got you. You almost got you! Oh man, that was close. So you're also mage against the machine? Holy shit! Yes, yes, I like, you know, that probably gave away, because if you ever saw me with a guitar strap, you'd see how high it was. Damn. That's what gives that one away.

Yeah, but that's the crazy thing about the mage, is there's only one mage in the realm at a time. And it's an extremely important job. Like I said, my uncle was the mage of it all. And here I am. Are you the Nicholas mage? Yes, please, yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, that's a very good question. Very astute.

Do we have any more before we let him go? Trying to think. Let me think, let me think, let me think. Mage, mage. Jimmy mage? Jimmy eat mage? Yeah. It's gonna take some time? Yeah.

Jimmy eat mage for sure. It's kind of middling, it's kind of right in the middle. What else, what else, what else? Like something with sage? Something with sage. Think, Johnny. A little common mage your house. If you're feeling like there's some dark spirits, when you just sage think I'm gonna come in major house If you're feeling like there's some dark spirits when you just move in I can come over on major house. Yeah

Spat on the thing. I'm still just a retina mage. That's you know, the the the boys who wrestle Over there in the courtyard every Thursday I did do the theme song for the wrestler Triple H and I go it's time to play the mage And that's probably all I can remember Is Grage a word? I'm just trying to think I'm going through the alphabet. Yeah, let me see if I've got one He's watching porn gross I guess sometimes like I'll Remember something that I love and then I'll use parts of it in other things that I'm making and it's sort of an o-mage

Oh, you're the o-mage, huh? Oh, she can or you can orgasm. That's good to know. I'd love to show you my o-mage So this is wild because Earlier I have to complain I was talking to my friend and I was saying how attractive I found bone mages and I realize now that every drawing or image I've seen of a bone mage was you so I just I gotta hand it to you yeah at least in this last 669 years yeah yeah you've you've got it so thank you. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Do you want to see how hot I am? No no thank you. Maybe could you lift up your cloak and so I could say I can now hang on this is interesting if Chunt melted could he

reconstitute himself because he's a shapeshifter I'm willing to risk Chunt's life to find out I'm down I love a good gamble who I could grow a second head have that head take a look while my head closes its eyes? Yeah, is it mostly your head that melts and blows up? Well, that's the first to go. That's a- okay, so yeah, I might go a little further. Yeah, I might spread pretty quick. You might get into your shoulders or your sternum.

I feel like I need at least one of those. Um... Arnie, are you still thinking the mage stuff? Oh, wait, no. Sorry, I was already packing up. That's what happens. Everybody packs up. I'm always, the bone mage is always the last one at the party. I make everybody leave.

It's so weird. I don't know what happens. I think I'm a fun hang, but by the end, everybody's gone. Arnie, on your notepad here, you wrote minimum mage dash a tiny little guy did you want to share that with everyone Arnie? That's pretty good. No, I don't know share it Arnie It's good, and he just said he just said he's usually the last one at a party right? I want the party kind of a major extinction Minimum mage we got to raise the minimum age if you want to become a minimum age I could I guess I could do some lavender dust get real small. Oh You can be guy to become a minimum age I could I guess I could do some lavender dust get real small

Oh You can be guy could become a minimum age That might be fun guys. Yeah, that'd be fun. You guys just want to get fucking loaded. You have all that fairy dust Let's get fucking loaded Let's get tiny Pure yes, yes, let's get tiny. Ooh, I'm dancing like an asshole. Ha ha ha ha ha. Weeeee!

When one hears them shouting, let's get tiny, one has to wonder if they're talking to our listening audience. User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Bone Mage was played by special guest Jacob Wysocki. Follow Jacob on Instagram and Twitter, at Jacob Wysocki, and follow his YouTube channel, at JacobWysocki420. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of

the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Cronlid, Evie Patmore, Lauren, Alyssa Atkins, Maximillian Demarcus, I can't be sure if Maximillian is petting a cat right now, but I have my theories, Cole Newmark, Carson Dragonfly Snider, John Goh, Bill Fox Fritzler, Alex C from Des Moines, Edwin, Jason Capair, Devin Schnop, Quacky, Alexander Minasevski, Zoe Alexandra Heyman, Jenny Klein, Philip Price, Avi, Alex Cichicone, and Corinna Fair. Patrons get ad-free episodes all the spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent Meet and greet with Patreon supporters on the Patreon discord.

Playing it again today. I think I beat all the decks, but I'm going through the challenges now. I don't know the number of hours I would be terrified to see how many hours I put into it. But it's such a it's such a great game. It's the definitely the game I've recommended the most to like everybody in the last couple of years. I sent it to I bought it for Zach Reno and he's I think he's now in the trenches. I think I think my last game because I think I was like it doesn't get better than this. I had a joker that turned all my face cards to gold. Oh yeah. I had a joker that eight gold cards or took the gold off of cards and then made that a multiplier. And it was, I was just swimming in points. It's so great when it's just a crazy chain reactions of things happen. Like it's so it's in the funny thing is it's not the type of game I would think that I would really enjoy. I don't really care about poker. I still to the,

I literally played probably a hundred hours of this game and I still have to sometimes remind myself Like is a straight better than a flush and stuff like that but It's so it's so it's so fun and playful and weird. It's a good game. I hope they make another one To hear the rest join the discord and to maybe even chat with the boys at their next meet and greet. If that sounds like something that will bring joy into your life, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Moby. Wait, no, Moby walked out of the theme recording session when he saw the big terrine of pate on the craft services table. Theme by, who did we line up at and and discover more to the story with Wondery's top history podcasts, including hit shows like American History Tellers, American Scandal, Legacy, and even The Royals. Expand your knowledge and be entertained along the way. Whether you're a history buff or a new history fan, Wondery's shows go behind the scenes to tell the stories of well-known and otherwise forgotten moments that define our reality. From deep dives into iconic figures like J. Edgar Hoover, who made

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