Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 17 - Boy King Now (w/ Jordan Morris)

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

Dartholomew the Boy King is back and he’s training to be a boy wizard…king.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiDartholomew, the Boy King: Jordan MorrisMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Where status comes at the expense of your freedom, your privacy, and sometimes even your head. New episodes come out every week. Listen to Even the Royals early and ad free on Wondery Plus. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Well, here we are in your Earth summer, where the days have gotten long. Now they've gotten longer still. They keep getting longer. That bit of ancient machinery you discovered down by the quarry and activated like a ding-dong is clearly slowing down the planet's rotation.

Please believe me when I say you have got to stop hitting the shiniest button on whatever giant rusty thing you happen upon. I've dealt with situations like this before, so while I clean up another of your goofs, you sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Nechamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wonder lost Currently in cadaver falls in the magical land of foon and i'm joined as always by my co-host Chunt the talking badger. Oh, yeah, baby arnie. I just saw The craziest thing over at the bloated rabbit. Oh, that's right. We're still parked across the street Wait, you're you're going across the street to the animal tavern the bloated rabbit. Yeah It's two for one drinks. Oh, okay. This is that we have this is our tavern here. This is your channel This is my tavern. Okay, I'm the one that owns this cursed tavern

I guess it just feels like you're not supporting me if you're going to the tavern across the road Oh, well here you charge me double. Could I get regular price drinks if I stay here? I can't really do that. I'm so sorry. If I do that for you, I have to do that for all my friends. Oh, gotcha. Okay. Um, huh, this is tough. What if I go there, but I don't drink? I just eat and then I only drink here. Hmm. Okay. I'm having a hard time pushing the food here. That's the thing. Mm hmm. So the food is actually like it's actually more of a betrayal than the drinks thing because we make our money on the drinks really like the

drink. Can we cut all this out and hear the amazing thing that Chuntz saw? Okay yeah fair fair. We can argue about this. I completely forgot about that. Because that reminds me, I have written down to remind myself argue about this bullshit between episodes So I'm sorry What is this amazing thing you saw the amazing thing? I saw is Arnie your bar menu consists of live turkey Sure warm. Yeah, whatever that is It's just basically a temperature and a reassurance

Yeah, and then pub burger question mark. So I'm just saying you said you having trouble pushing the food I'm just saying I'm looking at this a menu and it fucking sucks So across the street at the bloated rabbit Arnie I saw a seal and a camel get into a fist fight like I've never seen Hmm. Oh wow. It was unbelievable. Famously neither one of them has fists.

Yeah, well yeah, but I think you know what I mean. Like a fin fight or a hoof fight? Half a fin fight, half a hoof fight. Cut right to the middle and say fist fight, but it was unbelievable. I guess the animal war started in terms of seals are from the sea, but they're also mammals. They spend time, I guess, lou war started in terms of seals are from the sea. Yeah, but they're also mammals

They spend time I guess lounging on rocks and stuff So I guess they're fighting for sea and camels I assume are land but they also store water and they're fat So not that that's anything but it was insane It's so are you there's no worry of factions breaking up based on where people store their water That I don't know it did seem like the camel was pulling its punches, and it seemed like the seal's bites weren't into it, but it's hard to tell, Arnie. It's hard. It's the fugue of war.

Yeah. Yeah, the animal war. There's just so much going on. I, you know, I keep getting distracted, and like there's the animal war that we've got to worry about, but also we're trying to build alliances against these wizards. I am just not having any luck getting anyone to align with us in this wizard war. Well, Arnie, I have good news on that front because we must seek out regents who would be willing to grant us a great boon and side with us against the wizards as they begin to amass land and power. And in that front, I believe we can reach back into your world

and make contact with the Burger King. You sir, that doesn't help us. Also, we haven't talked about it in a few weeks, but the Burger King on Earth in Chicago, it it closed. It's been demolished. The Burger King is flame embroiled in controversy. Yes, exactly Oh, that's right. You guys are not back. They're gone. No, they're back. The Arnie say they're back, please chicken fries. They're back, right? No, no, I recall this now you mentioned something about a crafty beaver. Oh, yeah

Yes, we are now getting our internet signal from the Crafty Beaver, which is close to the Burger King. I don't know why I'm not saying it every episode, because it's very fun to say Crafty Beaver. Why isn't it a Crafty Badger? Yeah, we have a badger on the show. That seems like a better doesn't make you think about would opportunity to, you know, brand kind of support kind of like cross pollinating. It could be Crafty Beaver times Times, Hello from the Magic Tavern. Put that on a bottle of perfume or something.

I don't know. And smoke it. Usadar, we don't pay you to think. That's excellent news. Artie, top five craftiest animals. Fox, Badger, Wolverine, Man. Sure. OK, I'm glad that we made it into the top five. Cobras. OK. craftiest animals, fox, badger, wolverine, man. Sure, okay, I'm glad that we made it into the top five. Cobras, okay, beavers don't crack the top 50,

so I don't know why on earth we're assuming, just because you prop a bunch of logs up at an angle and call it home does not make you an architect, okay? What makes a cobra crafty? They kind of sway back and forth, dance to the music, they're just feeling themselves feeling their oats They strike. Wait, hold on. This is a list of animals. You want to fuck isn't it? Okay, so you saw through my one line through that sentence. All right

Note to self look if we're not going to make some sort of alliance with the Burger King then who do you have in mind Arnie? Yeah Arnie? Yeah, Arnie. Well, you know, I've been trying to reach out to any kind of royal that we've had on the podcast before, but you know, some of them are harder to get in touch with than others. Oh. All right, idiots. What?

This bar is mine. Unless you wanna get magicked into the ground, you're gonna get out of here. Do either one of you wanna get magicked into the ground? No. I think I wanna get magicked into the ground, you're gonna get out of here. Do either of you want to get magicked into the ground? No. I don't think I want to get magicked into the ground. How about you? No? No.

That adorable voice seems very familiar. That's right, it's me! Dartholomew the Boy Wizard! Boy Wizard? I thought you were a boy king! Yeah! Well, a lot's gone on since the last time I was on the show. Oh boy, I've been through it.

But I'm now the boy wizard and more powerful than you can ever imagine. And this tavern is now mine. Dotholmew, it's wonderful to see you again. Please have a seat. But I must ask, how did you become a boy again? The last we saw you, you were 40 or 50 years old, middle aged roughly. Well, I mean, I was threatening you and I do want you to leave so I can take control of the tavern. But yeah, sure. I mean, I'll give you a little.

Yeah, we'll catch up a little bit. Yeah, we'll catch up. Yeah, I'll start packing. I'll start packing. Yeah, while he's packing, I'll let you know what I've been up to. So, yes, as folks might know, last time I, you know, I am a boy, but not in years. My actual age is 135. But I was. Whoa, fuck. Yep. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I know. I look great, don't I? Yeah.

Like a great boy. Like a great little chubby-cheeked boy. Aw, look at your chubby cheeks. Alright, don't touch my cheeks! I will destroy you with magic! I'll magic you into the ground! Don't touch my cheeks! You mentioned your cheeks.

I didn't say touch my cheeks! Yeah, but you mentioned we just wanna pinch him and we love you! I didn't notice my cheeks! Aw, guys, look at his wand! It's like twice as tall as he is! Look at the wand! Alright, alright, okay, I know, I'm cute compared at his wand. It's like twice as tall as he is. Look at the wand. Alright, alright. Okay, I know. I'm cute compared to my wand.

It's a very powerful wand. You won't think it's so cute when it's magicing you into the ground. Oh, he lifted it. Now he's slowly falling backwards. Whoa, whoa, whoa! My bottom! Oh, my Adam. Let me help you up. Let me help you up. Back into the chair. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

All right. Okay. So you're 138. I'm 135. And you know, I was cursed to appear as a boy. I was a petulant, cruel boy king. And then through magic, I became a middle-aged man. And I lived happily for a while.

But oh, boy, being a middle-aged man, I lived happily for a while but oh boy being a middle-aged man not not everything it's cracked up to be I had to use a CPAP machine try sleeping with one of those I'm me personally no Arnie have you ever used a do you know what a CPAP machine is here and food no comment I just I mean my friends would get together We just complained about our joints who had I got a very expensive interest in micro brews that was That was a bummer. I got divorced and Who are you married to?

Just you know a nice a nice gal that I met online. Is standing in line somewhere? Yeah, we were standing in line on Bumble. We were standing in line at a bee hive to get honey here in this magical world. I call it in line for Bumble. I'm sure that since you were middle-aged at the time, this is some sort of raw, unfiltered honey, very special, high-end brand that you can't get everywhere. Of course, yes. It was local honey.

And of course, me and all my boring friends would get together and talk about local honey and micro-brews and our joints. And the whole thing just fucking sucked. And yeah, I mean, I got divorced. And if you've ever been back in the dating pool in your 40s. Oh boy Boy, I'm in my 350s and still in the dating pool I am actually 135 but I appeared as 40 so I was dating people who are in their 40s. I appeared as 40 It's hard in that situation. I imagine it's hard for you to know, like, what the appropriate dating age is. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a real mess.

But, you know, I thought 40 was safe. Yeah, you go with your relative. When you when you've magically manipulated your age, Arnie, it's well known that you have to go with your perceived age because your body and your mind begin to take on those attributes anyway, so Your your lived experience while it may inform you beyond your years You're still you're still kind of living that 40 year old lifestyle like your back hurts, but you can still do stuff But not all the time I go to music festivals, but I leave early Sure sure yeah, of course

Well, you can only hear so many bards in one night before you're like, I'm tired. But I don't need to worry about dating, nor joint pain, nor CPAP, no longer, for I am boy again! I have re-boyed! Re-boyed?

Yes! I ventured through the forest, down the valley, and across the river To boy town and I said, please sell me your finest boy potion. I Sipped of the boy potion and here I am No, well, yeah, okay. I hadn't said it out loud until now sure But I assure you it was just sipping a potion out of a bottle to turn myself into a boy once more. This is the first time I've heard of Boy Town.

Oh yes it's a it's a whole town of eternal boys laughing, skinning their knees, catching frogs down by the crick. Oh yeah. Kick the can, we chase little hoops down the street. We are boys eternal Oh, are you you know you're close to boy town when you hear a lot of nighttime tea he's So yes, we stay up reading late at night Yes with a candle candlestick under the under the sheets even though it's just the boys there no one's stopping them from reading Don't you have bedtimes there There is no bedtime in boy town. Oh.

No mama and papa to tell us to go to bed. We stay up reading and, you know, kicking cans and catching frogs and eating tadpoles. A lot of roll-up sleeves and a lot of wayayatas, I think, as well, sometimes. Oh, yeah. Get out of here here we say. With all your experience as a king this seems like the perfect place for you to become a ruler once again.

Well, I tired of the boys and wanted to rule over a more competent society, so sure sure yeah. I am now a student at the Gizzle Knob School of Magic. Oh, whoa, that's legit Gizzlenob. Wow. So wait, hold on. You didn't j- At first I thought you were gonna say like, you know, I could have been king of Boys Town, but I wanted to be king of Mansylvania. But no, instead, you went straight to Gizzlenob Preparatory Academy for young wizards? That's right. I want to harness my inner magic and become the cruelest wizard king this world has ever known. Oh, but what if you are benevolent and lovely king who used your magic to make your... Your followers lives easier. Think of all the good you could do for the common folk.

Yeah, fuck that. I'm gonna be a powerful wizard and shoot everybody with magic. Magic them into the ground. Fear me. I am Darth Alamu, boy wizard. So you've given up the title of king for wizard. Very well then. I think I will be. Once I do, the plan is, the long term plan, my five year plan, is to acquire a kingdom via magical cruelty Sure and start rebuilding Rebuilding my my legions my empire. That's fair because you you know Because you're the king of the the lost or the fallen kingdom of Grim Fallen, so you don't really have any followers

Not at the moment no yeah, but I am overtaking this this tavern and I will use it as my base of operations. So get out of here. Do you want to do you want a sample of the cruel magic of which I am capable? No, no, no. What will you mean? Cruel man? Yeah, sure. Yeah. Well, we'll get out of your hair. But we do need to take a break before we leave.

So why don't we take a quick break? I'm going to get you a high chair because I can barely see your eyes over the table. So we'll be right back with some magic. You guys don't want to see this cruel magic. It sounds cruel. I mean, cool. Oh, wait, cool. I'm getting cool and cruel mixed up. It will be cool looking, but it will be cruel. Arnie, tell me more about Man'sylvania. Oh. Arnie, tell me more about Man-Sylvania. Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.

We know the six wives of Henry VIII as pawns in his hunt for a son, but their lives were so much more than just being the king's wives. I'm Arisha Skidmore Williams. And I'm Brooke Zifrin. And we're the hosts of Wondery's podcast, Even the Royals. In each episode, we'll pull back the curtain on royal families past and present from all over the world to show you the darker side of what it means to be royalty. We rarely see Henry VIII's wives in their own light as women who used the tools available

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or wherever you get your podcasts. Go deeper and get more of the story with Wondery's top history podcasts, including American Scandal, Legacy, and Black History for Real. Hey, Prime Day shoppers! While you're snagging that air fryer to cook up your next culinary masterpiece, why not spice things up with some epic stories from Wondry?

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trial now at Wondry.com slash plus. Don't just shop, make your Prime Day truly prime with Wondry+. Arnie, it's sort of an orb that floats over your head while you're trying to sleep. And it shows you images of your father to help lure you back to sleep. So it's sort of a C-PAP machine. Oh, I see. So just seeing seeing your PAP helps you sleep. Just seeing your PAP and those good memories from your childhood, assuming that they're

good. Or some people they're like, uh-oh, oh paps gonna be mad if I don't fall Anything like is there like a sea map or see my map see mum see mum Today just for all the unpacking we'd have to do psychologically but Bartholomew, thank you for sitting in the high chair We of course will be out of your hair in just a moment, but- It is a high throne when I am seated upon it. Of course it is. It is no high chair when the boy wizard who would soon be the boy wizard king

sits upon the high chair. It is a high throne. It's a high throne and here comes the dragon with some applesauce. The dragon's coming. Okay. I don't like that you're being patronizing, but I do want to have that nummy applesauce, the dragon's coming. Okay, I don't like that you're being patronizing, but I do wanna have that nummy applesauce, so. Mm, so nummy. Yum, yum, yum, yum. There you go.

And then whenever you're ready, go ahead and just show us. Oh, he's got applesauce all over his chin. I can wipe it off myself. You don't need to wipe it off for me. He's just spreading it around all over the, it's like on your forehead. Okay, would you wipe it off for me, actually? Yeah. And while we're still packing up and catching up Why don't I just take this wand away from you and give you this big lolly and it's no I?

I do want the lolly, but I will take it from you by force once you are terrified by my cruel magic Oh, I'm terrified here. You can ever know Okay, let's let's see some cruel magic. Oh, I'm terrified here, you can have a nap. Okay, let's see some cruel magic. Okay, get ready. Okay. Get ready to fear me. You can do it. You got it, buddy.

Nimbus bimbus, have a hard time deciding where to eat. I have cast a spell upon you, one of the only spells I can do. It makes you not know where you want to eat. You're hungry, you know you're hungry, you have options, but you can't decide where to eat! Fear me! Well I was gonna get the pub burger, but there's a question mark after it. Yeah.

It's like that sort of lack of confidence doesn't make you want to eat here. I was gonna go to the bloated rabbit, but Arnie seemed to have his feelings hurt, so I don't know if I want to do that. Uh-uh. I have thrown you into disarray. I think the food here is gross, but also the food everywhere in Food and Food is gross. Where do I want to eat? Maybe delivery, but can I really afford to keep doing that?

Shit. I don't want to eat at the Panda Express, because the name and the Panda expressing itself onto my food doesn't sound particularly good. I like it actually. Okay this is legit a good spell. This is actually working in a good spell. Yeah I am terrified. You've been thrown into disarray. Your ranks are confused. Fear me. Maybe we'll just eat later. Wanna eat later? Yeah we'll just eat later. We'll eat later. Yeah, we'll just eat.

That might be what it is. I already ate, so maybe I'm not hungry right now. That could be what it is. You're not fearing me enough. Yeah. Mew Mew, how long have you been a Jizzle Nom? Okay, don't use my insulting nickname Mew Mew. Okay, yeah, don't do that either. Starthalamew. I would prefer Darthalamamu boy wizard who will soon be boy wizard king of course You know, it's a mouthful, but yeah, but it's it's respectful So Darth Alamu the boy wizard who will be the boy wizard king Thank you How have you been liking it a jizzle knob and what What house were you sorted into? Are you house Dingle Dong?

Are you house Roaring God? House Camel Toe? House Chirpin Bird? I'm remembering all these, I'm not reading them. I am a proud member of House Chirpin Bird. And well, it was a little bit hard to get in. You see, Gizzle Knob, you gotta be a legacy, right? You gotta be a legacy.

Yeah, mostly. Your parents have to have been a notable wizard and mine were not. But they do have a scholarship for orphans. So with my new boy facade, I just had a meeting with the guidance counselor and I acted real Orphany. Oh. And now I have an orphan scholarship may I ask a follow-up question there? How do you act? Orphany great question a lot of coffin Oh, I see you the coffin with your parents in it you show them, but you cough while showing a picture of a coffin

Yeah, sure use a lot of coffins, but yeah, I guess I guess to a kid to a kid. Yeah Yeah, yeah, and so I you to a kid to a kid. Yeah Yeah, and so I you know you show them the coffin you do some coffin You offer to shine everyone shoes A lot of biting coins I think you bite a coin to make sure it's real if you see a pocket you pick it Oh sure a lot of extra extra Yes letting people know they should read all about it and then you do a little dad you do a jaunty dance throughout the town square

That's pretty good. I don't want to upset you but I I just don't know if you're aware Gizzlenob also has a chode scholarship Where if your penis is as wide as it is long you actually get in free as well And I just assuming if you're a boy You know that could be a possibility. Oh, yeah, heck. Yeah, you actually get in free as well. And just assuming if you're a boy, that could be a possibility. Oh yeah, heck yeah, I can get two scholarships. Well, doth all of you, I have some very except me. Wait, you have two chubs?

Mm-hmm. Listen, I've done a lot of spells on myself and my anatomy is now weird. Is it appropriate to ask me about my anatomy? It's weird, okay? That is true. He's a young boy. That is true. When you've magicked yourself as much as I have, Is now weird To ask me about my anatomy When you've magicked yourself as much as I have turning from adult to child over and over again Some of your anatomy is gonna be weird. Okay. I don't usually do this, but I am gonna bring out the whiteboard Okay, so okay if it's as wide as it is long

That's showed number one and then maybe it maybe if it's as deep as it is tall, would that be the other one? How do we get to two? Class, solve for two chodes. How are we getting to two chodes? Anyone? Usador? You're the teacher.

No, I'm a guy with a white board. Yes? What was it? I thought it was a riddle and I thought the answer was a man. Okay, we're gonna put this white board away. So how are classes going? I'm excelling.

I know all sorts of terrifying spells. You were thrown into a tizzy by Nimbus Bimbus have a hard time deciding where to eat. Yes, it's true. If you thought that was bad, check this out. Oh. Nimbus Bimbus, think about your uncle. Oh. I'm making you all think about your uncle. I guess I am thinking about your uncle. Oh, I'm making you all think about your uncle

I guess I am thinking about my uncle. I have a lot of uncles This is really disturbing for me because I don't have an uncle, but I'm thinking about my uncle I know what creates a false uncle to those who have no uncle it creates a phantom uncle in your mind And he is terrible. I mean, he's the worst. Yeah, real piece of shit. Describe it. Describe it. Yeah. You said, what's so bad? Imagine me, but his- Terrible. Hold on. But he's got my nose?

Imagine me, but he isn't wearing a hat and he's not wearing robes. He just shows up in a t-shirt and he's drinking an ale out of a rolled up newspaper. Is this like Craptor's dad? I'm not related to Craptor. I love birds, dinosaurs is birds, but I'm not related to Craptor. I'm not getting into this again. So this hypothetical uncle, does he have a name is he uncle use it or or something else uncle? Uncle bungle schmitz Oh fucking that's gonna be uncle door

Uncle bungle schmitz uncle and he shows up he shows up every Christmas and he's he insists on For a Gunderstein hitting everyone with the mallet and you're like no one wants to actually do that You just sort of do it lightly and it's just sort of like a it's a tradition But you don't really hit people the mallet. He wants to hit hard This guy takes it too seriously. He takes it too seriously exactly. Then he wants you to show you his new cart You're like it's a very nice cart. I'm not really a cart guy seems fine You're like, it's a very nice cart. I'm not really a cart guy. Seems fine.

He's like, this cart goes zero to 10 in about a minute. You're like, that's fast for a cart, but I still don't care. Yeah, that also means the horse is fast. Well, yes, yes. Right? Am I crazy? Yeah, that's true.

Horses are well greased, I don't know. You're not greased. Smart, yeah, smart. I think an aerodynamic cart moves faster than one that is, you know, less so. Yeah, maybe. But you're right, horse speed probably has more to do with it. I hate this spell, Darth Odom, you and I hate that.

Yes, you are thrown into disarray. I hate that the chirping birds taught it to you, because though I never attended Jizzle Knob myself being a fully born wizard, I would have been sorted into chirping bird. Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. And I don't give a fuck. Oh, shit, I didn't know that was an option. But I'm just not give a fuck. But I love birds. And I love their I love their beautiful

sigil, the owl reading the encyclopedia. He's reading the entry about kangaroos. Last week, didn't you give away a bag of dead birds? Yeah, Chuck, we've covered this extensively. I love birds. But I love talking to birds. I love that birds insisted there'd be a champion and brought me forward into this world. I love eating birds. I love cooking birds. I love putting them in barbecue sauce. I love killing them and giving them to a bone collector to get fairy dust that gets me small. Okay, you can't just list birds that doesn't make for good content. Yeah. Hey, oh, let's get back to

you two talking about where you're gonna eat tonight. Barbecue birds. Arnie. Yeah, Dartholomew. Arnie, Chunt. Yeah. Yeah. Can I have a word with you in the corner? Yeah birds Arnie. Yeah, they're following you Arnie Chunt. Yeah Yeah, can I have a word with you in the corner? Yeah, of course Pick up my high chair and bring it Okay, I have had a notion yeah a boy wizards notion Okay, and are you have potion as a kid or this is a this is a thought idea this is a notion yes okay but it could be the the notion could have been put there by the boy potion okay I could probably amass followers

quicker if I had some fame sure how does one get fame you go on a quest yeah quest yes I mean if there's another way let me know but I was thinking quest. Oh well there is Podpires, this new podcast by Two Vampires and it is blowing up. Oh yeah. So yeah I'd say quest or podcast. Could I get on that?

Honestly. We've tried to get on Podpires, even we can't get on Podpires. You gotta know somebody, you gotta like prove. Yeah true, yeah I mean if you like, if you have to be a vampire. If you did improv with them it's easy. Yeah but you know what if you gotta like prove. Yeah, true, yeah. I mean, if you like, you have to be a vampire. If you get improv with them, it's easy. Yeah, but you know what, if you suddenly, here's the thing. They're total vampire fuckers.

They'll have a vampire on and they won't care about you, but if you suddenly become a vampire, they're like, oh, you're their best friend and they wanna have you on the podcast. Sure, sure, yeah, yeah. I know how that is, a story of my life, right? A quest, though. Quest. So to do a quest, I need an adventuring party.

And every adventuring party is made up of three people. You know this. Sure, of course. That's just basically it. Oh, and a man from Chicago, a talking badger, and a wizard. I say, do you want to swap out wizards? You want to swap out that old man with the conical hat for me? Hot and funky boy wizard who's just coming up think about it think about it

Let me slide in there be your new wizard. Yeah, put grandpa out to pasture We'll do a quest we'll get fame and I will become the king that I rightly deserve to be We'll do a quest, we'll get fame, and I will become the king that I rightly deserve to be! Um, Darth Alamu, let me- I'm gonna- You'll be right here and put you over here- I'm gonna talk to Arnie, just one second please. Hey Arnie. Yeah? What do you- uh, where's your head at?

I mean... Look, it seems like a horrible betrayal, but also, would the podcast be doing better if we kinda had a younger image? Right? Yeah, I mean mean he's hip He's cool his like we're nine years old and we haven't added a kid to the cast yet I mean he probably knows all this cool lingo that everyone knows but we don't know cuz we're not around you Yeah, like notion. I'm gonna start saying notion all the time now. Yeah on Business over here. I'm grumping grumpin arnie we gotta be grumpin what does that mean I don't even know if anything we have to give

him a shot let's bring everybody back to the table let's see if we can really notice the difference between youth and age cuz yes but that might help our decision okay let's are you want to grab that? How did it go over there I got my hand stuck in this jar of prunes fuck That's the worst part. God. This is damn it Just over here grompin and Ben Grim Oh grompin and Ben Grim Oh

Are you are you grumpy? Do you need a nap? It's a nappy time seems like someone doesn't know what that means. Oh interesting What you to know what it means? Yeah, we're totally gromping all kind of yeah born gromping I think the user I can't I can't say this again. Let go of the prune I think? You sir, I can't say this again. Let go of the prune. Let go of the prune? I'll let it go.

There, your hands out. Your hands out. Very well. Let us take a quick break while I retrieve some diuretic other than prunes. History teaches. History defines. History sometimes repeats. It gives context to the world around

us and feeds a hunger for knowledge. So go deeper into the events that define our world and discover more to the story with Wondery's top history podcasts, including hit shows like American History Tellers, American Scandal, Legacy, and even the Royals. Expand your knowledge and be entertained along the way. Whether you're a history buff or a new history fan, Wondery's shows go behind the scenes to tell the stories of well-known and otherwise forgotten moments that define our reality. From deep dives into iconic figures like J. Edgar Hoover, who made even the most powerful men in the world nervous, to unknown facts that may surprise you, like did you know Samuel L. Jackson was expelled from Morehouse College after protesting the university's response to MLK's assassination.

Wanderys History podcasts have something for everyone. Listen to Wanderys History podcasts to get more to the story. So, Darth Alamu, the boy wizard that someday hopes to be the boy wizard king. Um, I'm sorry, I'm still just thinking about Gromping. I don't even have a good follow up question. Oh, I have a follow up question. What is Gromping? I mean, I think it's you know, if you have to ask, you probably wouldn't get it. Just something that young hip wizards who attract a young hip audience say.

So should I transform myself into a younger version of myself so that I can get it? I would love to get it. You could, but like it's mostly about vibes, you know. OK, and I just don't know that your vibes are right. Vibes are. Yeah, Isidor, if I am being honest and I am chiming in and not and not that it's a contest, OK, we were we were over in the corner with Darth Alamu. We were just talking about upright coffins brigade, which is a vampire thing You come off as too sincere. Does that make sense? Oh Yeah, you're always trying to make meaningful eye contact with one of us

You're just overly sincere Like if you could just if every once a while you could gromp Even if it's like once a week like gromp once a week once gromp once a week. Oh, yeah, I can probably do that Okay, okay. All right now. I'm gonna keep track yourself. You sure is willing to gromp. Okay, so that's the point in this Okay, that's the point his what it is He is mumbling though. So that's an old man, so I'm gonna put that as you make And arm the whole piece rolling his eyes the whole time fucking classic fucking classic So that's a point for him this guy over here. I'm always saying stuff like this guy over here get a load of him And I have to assume check, please

Holy shit that yes, okay, that's two points. Why are we keeping score here am I in some sort of contest with Darth Alam you know? And also a point Arnie I have to give him another point because we have to assume he's always gromping right yeah Now bro, and that's not Arnie, that's a clue. So I know what will put me back on the gromp scale. Here's a butterscotch candy for everyone. Oh, it's so noisy to unwrap. Please hurry. Just think how loud that would be in a movie that started it, too. Come on, finish. Just finish.

Oh, should we try to figure out like a distraction for us at or while we fully test out Darth Dolph Olive you lose the third in our podcast throuple Yeah, what do you what are you thinking for the test? I don't know like what's something that could keep him busy for a while your science or Darth only you sorry Oh, no, you're trying to keep me busy Usador could you go find a giant, uh, jewel or something? Yes, of course! I'll be back with a giant jewel before you can see me! But in the shape of a sword!

Okay, that should last at least ten minutes. Solid distraction. Um, so what else do you bring to the party? Obviously some very useful spells. Yeah, spells, slang, um, you know, a pre-established audience. So what else do you bring to the party? Obviously some very useful spells. Yeah slang You know a pre-established audience again. I haven't been wizarding that long, but I have amassed some fans I wouldn't call them followers yet But I think you know a lot of people are anxious to see what I do with my new skill nice

Where did you pick up these fans? Oh just you know like kids in my class who like think I'm really cool. I just definitely get invited to a lot of like dances and hangs and... So young, young fans, which is something we could probably use more of. Oh yeah, and you know, young fans, they're very, you know, they're very loyal. They buy a lot of products. They always use promo codes. Ooh, that could be Arnie. That could be big the trouble with our listeners Arnie's they keep growing up. Yeah, this could be huge. They don't even know how to use a promo code Oh, yeah, if you you listen, I mean, I think you know your listeners they're dropping off because they're like listening to more

You know slate shows and npr shows And you know, sometimes they just lose their hearing all together Because they're so old yeah damn that is a hundred percent the progression people go from hello from the magic tavern to a slate or NPR show that's just that's the next step and then immediately lose their hearing that is that is a rough business um okay so so we are very interested in that. What about, Ysaur's very handy in terms of he has a lot of connections, he knows a lot of people.

What is it outside of Jizzle Nob, what is your, I don't know, friendship group like? You know, I mean, I think even at Jizzle Nob, I'm kind of like a lone wolf, you know? Like a kind of a desperado masterless samurai type. Okay, yeah. You know? So, you know, I'm not bringing like, you know, a lot of allies, but, you know, I do have

kind of a wandering mysterious energy that I think people are really going to respond to. Isn't that kind of my role? I don't know. Like I'm kind of like the cool outsider. Oh, Arnie, sweetie, no, honey, no. Well, then what am I? You're like a fart guy.

You're like the fart guy. You're the guy who's always farting. OK. You're the guy who's saying something and he gets a pain expression and he lifts up, you know, he lifts up like one hip and then right. So here's you're doing it right now. This is making me so mad. I'm trying to not fart. And it's, oh, it's not easy. So here's, you know, here's just an example

of like a fun dynamic we could have. Like Arnie lets one rip. Mm-hmm. And then I'm like, so that happened. Holy shit, that's good. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, that is awesome. And obviously we're gonna pivot to video too.

That's step one. And I'm gonna look right down the barrel of the camera when I say that. So that happened. Oh, come on, I'll say. I'm a little worried. So that happened and then you also said check please. I fear that that's sort of a set that,

if this were a Venn diagram of you and I I feel like there's some Overlap in that set. So maybe is that a is that a role that I feel are you stepping on my toes? Oh the catchphrases. Yeah Listen, I mean, I think obviously like all of your roles are gonna have to change a little bit. This is sure dynamics so like maybe you leave the catchphrases to me and You just stick to like, you know being the guy who looks for parking Oh, I could do that Arnie farts you look for parking and I say cool catchphrases that end up end up on t-shirts Oh, it's all right. One more before I retire

Farts in parking. Sorry. It just it just was I just thought that was fun to say farts in parking and then and now I'm done And now I'm gonna I And now I'm done. I don't know if this is part of the cruel magic, but now I am suddenly second guessing why anyone listens to this podcast ever. These are the things that we bring to the table. Oh, no. I did it. I went to the bloated rabbit and I asked around if there were any quests

for crystal swords, and it turned out that there was a a portal directly to a hellscape beneath the bloated rabbit and I fought a magma dragon down there and I managed to defeat it and bring back this this ruby store of skullacombe. There you go. Okay, get it off the table, please get it off the table, please fine A crystal gem shaped like a sword and I brought back the crystal sword of skimitar and What do you want to use it or why don't you ever do anything cool? Why don't you ever do anything cool? I just fought a magma dragon by myself

But when you swung the sword to kill the dragon did you say something fun and cool and young? Did you say like getting grumpy with it? What did you say when you killed the dragon? You're making me so mad I'm farting like crazy. I said look I said something very cool that dragon was coming right at me and I said look my tavern's parked right outside dragon get off my lawn oh boy that's that's what we've we've lost usador what do you mean whoo we've lost usador that's the minute you say get off my lawn that is there's no coming back from that it was ironic okay so we should come clean we were actually testing to see if we should go younger

with our wizard, Isidor. You are out, Dartholomew, you are in. We're gonna go to a quick break. We'll be right back with more Magic Tavern with Arnie, me, and Dartholomew. Actually, I don't know if we have a third ad. I just got so confident because Dartholomew's bringing in, I assume, more advertisers, so.

Oh yeah, no, when I'm on the show, there's gonna be another ad break. Why? Start following you? Would you do us a favor? Would you just do a food based ad for us now? Oh sure yeah absolutely. You ever want darts delivered to your house? Are you sick of going out for darts? darts.food. It's a website where you can get all kinds of darts delivered to your house. Poison darts, cupids love darts, even play darts for your tavern. That's right. I use darts.foon and look at me now. My gut health has improved. I'm sleeping better and I also have better relationships with those around me.

darts.foon. Use promo code MAGICTAVERN63, darts.food use promo code magictavern63darts.food today and then you'll thank me and also this show for all the sleep you get because you're sleeping better from you don't stress out as much because you get darts easier get darts easier. This is madness. Fuck me. Rhetorical question up top. Personal experience. Call to action.

He nailed every bit of that. I know. And he did the copy word for word. All of that was exactly written down. But it sounded rift, right? It sounded like it was off the dome. Yeah. And that's the secret of these

podcast ads, you know You got to make it sound a little more I do have one concern about darts.foon. Yeah, if they're delivering a poison dart to your home Does that mean they're just shooting poison darts into your home? Yeah, that's how they get there so fast. They're fired Like that's why you like it they get there in under a day It's handy because as soon as the order comes in, they shoot the dart. So smart. Um, you sir, when and you sir, you do that.

Are you having trouble standing up from your chamber pot? If so, I'd like to introduce steel rod. Steel rod can help you by placing it next to your chamber pot. Grab onto the rod and stand up with ease. Drag your withered bones up from your chamber pot where you just defecated what may be your last defecation. So a cane, it's a cane. That was kind of sexy.

I mean, I think, I don't think that is an ad you would hear on a cool hit podcast. It's an ad you would hear on CBS, Centaur broadcasting system. Oh, yeah. Yeah Maybe the only way to resolve this is a wizard battle. Oh, yeah To death on here. What do you matter? I don't know. I mean, I use the crystal sword I just got you do have that crystal sword. Yeah. Good luck, dude Cuz you might be thinking about your uncle for a while. And go.

Alright, Darth Ollum, you prepare to meet your maker. I'm still new, I'm still figuring it out. I haven't been there that long, I've only been there a couple weeks. I'm still figuring out where my classes are, getting all my books covered. I haven't done a lot of battles, so don't you know, just don't like just remember that while we're battling, okay So you'd like to belay our battle until you feel prepared? No, I can do I can do it. I can do it. I can do it Well, no by the Wizards code if you must wait you have upwards of ten years before our battle must be completed

Okay, by the Wizards code. I swear that within the next 10 years, you and I shall battle to the death. Okay, I'll take that. Yeah. Yeah, I'll take that. I'll see in I'll see in 10. Yeah, or sooner anytime you want to do it tomorrow. That is what's totally up to you. I do sort of like that as we're sort of entering the 20th year of Hello from the Magic Tavern, that might be the perfect time to replace you Sodor with a boy wizard. And I will be eternally a boy for I have drank of the boy potion 135 you think he's young and hip. Yeah, but I don't like act, you know, I don't know ages to number man Grumping was cool like 40 years ago. No, uh, no Yeah, yeah, how many how many people are grumping right now?

These things are cyclical they come back the band sublime It all kind of comes back, right? I Suppose that's true. I suppose everything cyclical fine fine fine Oh and Arnie there's a spot on the side of the tavern and then in back. There's two spots. Hell. Yeah, Chuck That's some good looking for parking buddy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, friend. Thank you. Good looking for part. Thank you so much. Oh, feels good. I feel like I, you know, I feel like I'm contributing.

Darth, I love you. The boy wizard who someday hopes to be the boy wizard king. Do you mind if we read an email? Well, I don't know. What do you what do you think? And I kind of like my name and, you know, I have all my social media handles. But what do you what do you thinking? Oh for you? Yeah Oh, I don't know. I think we're I think we're gonna keep you in the miners and I think Which is what we call all of our guests. Well kids kids are miners. So yeah. Yeah, we're a kid

Wouldn't you go back to school by the way? When is Jizzle not back in session? I'm cutting class right now to be here. Oh, that's so cool. So like, if you guys could pretend to be my mommy. Oh, fuck, I'm supposed to be an orphan. Shit, shit, shit! Fuck, fuck! Ah! Man, ah! I don't know how I'm gonna be in so much trouble. Oh my gosh, yeah.

Well, why don't I read an email here? Listeners, you can email us at magictavern at puppies.supplies is the real email address, or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and send us a message there. Here's one. Dear Wally, Isodore and Chut, with wizard immortality ended, Can you finally kill cam?

best wishes Glenn So I assume their name is not Glenn and their best wish is to kill can that's pretty good Is this someone that wants to kill cam new? Nice for a billion more a million wishes. You got a wish for a million wishes Smart more wishes Arnie. What are you thinking? I guess I'm, I think if I'm reading through the weird typos in this email, that all seem intentional, if I'm being honest. They're suggesting that now we could kill Kan, the wizard? I suppose, yes, I mean, Kan has lost his immortality like all of the wizards, Genlevia, Jamelius, Tim Tam the Teal, all of us are now susceptible to

a permanent death. Kan amongst them are not different from any of the others, so yes, of course we could kill him. I mean, he's annoying. Although didn't Chunt already kill Kan? Yeah, didn't I? I killed Kan? Oh.

Yeah, you did, but I think that was from a different timeline or from a later timeline. From the future? I'm not really clear on that whole thing because he seems to live through time. Speaking of things being cyclical, Kan has lived through many lifetimes over and over again. Is this interesting to talk about? Arnie, Arnie, Arnie. Yeah? If we bring Dartholomew on, we don't have all this baggage of eight years of Fucking lore from usador. That's true. It's right soft reboot with me

Arnie that would not be would that work out great And maybe you could we could be like we can delete this episode and we can be like oh Our neighbors kid is here or like my cousin like we can make him you know like a family member Kid is here or like my cousin or like we can make him, you know, like a family member Introduce him have him around the podcast for a couple of months. He'll be like cousin Darth. Alamu. Yes I could do that. I could be a fake cousin for a while. Thank you Try what if you want this this young boy this young hip boy you can have him. I'm leaving. Goodbye What use it or? Chunt the one thing we haven't been thinking about

is the Ysidor spends a lot of time saving us from being killed. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I probably wouldn't do that. Yeah, you'd probably help us be killed, right? If you're being honest. I would shove a knife between your ribs the first chance I get.

Yeah, that would do it. Okay, but how often does Ys sir make us think about our uncles? Once a year that's enough, right? Fine Usador is walking so slowly to the door. He's barely past the table use it or come back. Oh, I don't know I'll be at the door in 15 or 20 minutes. So I don't know if I can turn back Stop unwrapping that candy and

get back here you sorry well someone says something very nice to me the weather outside is beautiful to me you got me back he didn't say about him he said to him that it was just nice it's like a nice thing to say it's nice like somebody to appreciate the weather I mean sometimes we don't stop and look around who doesn't appreciate whether if not old people that's right they love it Yeah, it's nice. It's nice to remind somebody to appreciate the weather. Yes. Sometimes we don't stop and look around. Who doesn't appreciate weather if not old people? That's right. They love it. Well, Dartholomew, before we send you back to Jizzle Nod Preparatory School for Young Wizards,

what's next on your path to taking over? Well, this threw a wrench into plans, but yeah, maybe I could take over the school from the inside, make that into a kind of fortress, hypnotize the students to bend to my will and use them as my magical army. Just kind of spitballing here, but that seems like that might be fun. Well, I hope this never comes to pass, But if it does, would you join our quest to defeat the other wizards? Yeah, okay. I mean, just like, talk to me and like, like, I need to see how much I have going on. Okay, sure. I have to conquer the school but also like

schedule permitting. Yeah, schedule. Yeah, sure. If I'm Yeah, throw some throw some dates and times my way and we'll see if we can make one work. Okay, now get the hell out of here before I have to spank you on your butt butt. No! My butt butt! No! My bottom! My boy's bottom! Get the hell out of here! So that happened. Jack, please. Oh, I'm back he wasn't back. Usher of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. King Dartholomew the Boy King was played by special guest Jordan Morris. Jordan is the author of the upcoming graphic novel Youth Group with artist Bowen McCurdy. This YA horror-comedy about teenage exorcists hits bookstores on 716, but you can pre-order it now at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, they're still around, live and learn, or wherever you get books. More at bit.ly slash youth group book. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the

Magic Tavern Patreon. Oh, you think these supporters don't have names? What gives you the right? Well, feast your ears on names like Zarius Honeyset, Mr. K, Clayton Owen, Claire Woods, inventor of a large group of trees that's scary at night, Melanie Jessel, Jennifer Grey, Laura Angela Ramos, Nix Winters, Maggie Cunningham, Abby Mearns, Noah J, Jess Burgess, Peter Wilsnak, Brett aka Rusty Bread, be careful Brett or Peter W Snack Anya, William David Sweeney Samuelson, Trevor Gomm, Eleanor Flood, Suzu Zuro, Dan Long, Emily Jordan, and Darren Weinkauf. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, one night in the museum of their choice to

watch all the exhibits come to life, unless it's just paintings, in which case, wonk-wonk, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. The most recent bonus episode is a video of Arnie, Chant, Usador, and Flower playing the video game Lethal Company. Here's an audio clip from that very episode. Oh, a gift for me? It is! Come in here. Here, I can...try and...let's see...

Oh, I opened it! It's... A bunch of bottles! Oh, kind of rude. Oh! Oh! Oh, you know I love... You know I love bottles, because it kind of sounds like blood holes. Mm-hmm. That's true.

Uh, don't go in the door on the left. What? Left? door on the left. What? Left? The... my left. Because there is a... Where are you? I don't know if you'll understand bullets or a turret, but there is a turret in there. So that...

Oh no. I told him not to do that. Hello anybody else? Did anybody see that but me? Oh god. Okay. I feel weirdly culpable on that. I did tell him not to.

Isn't it fun to discover people can be bad at more than one thing? To watch the rest, or to learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. My name is Georgia King and I am thrilled to be the host of And Away We Go, a brand new travel podcast on Wondry Plus, where we'll be whisked away on immersive adventures

all around the world. Where we go, what we do, what we eat, drink, and listen to, will all be up to my very special guests. We've got Ben Schwartz taking us on a whirlwind trip around Disneyland. We'll eat a bowl of life-changing pasta with Jimmy O'Yang in Tuscany, Italy. And how do you feel about a spot of sugaring off with Emily Hampshire in Montreal?

And Away We Go will immerse you in some of the wonders of the world. We're going to be seeing some yellows and vibrant oranges. And the shoes clicking against the cobblestone. If you're looking to get somebody in the mood, have them look at the Chicago skyline. You can listen to And Away We Go exclusively with Wondery+. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Georgia, do you know what joy sounds like? I think I'm hearing it right now.