Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 18 - Ancient War Turtle (w/ Olivia Nielsen)

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

Hildy the ancient turtle is a secret spy in the Animal War!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiMark the Bartender: Matt YoungHildy Shiblin: Olivia NielsenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From the team behind American history tellers comes a new book, the hidden history of the White House. Each chapter will bring you inside the fierce power struggles, intimate moments, and shocking scandals that shaped our nation. From the War of 1812 to Watergate. Available now wherever you get your books. Wondery's new podcast, Even the Royals, pulls back the curtain on the darker side of royal families past and present from all over the world, where status comes at the expense of your freedom, your privacy, and sometimes even your head. New episodes come out every week. Listen to Even the Royals early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, and I do have a content warning

for you. If you're looking for, um, content, like information of substance, like dialogue that makes you feel emotions, a narrative that doesn't feel like it was created by AI, given the directive, just kill some time occasionally with accents, this may not be the audio recording for you. You have been so warned. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into

the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost, still parked in Cadaver Falls. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Dogging Badger. Mmm, Chunt, please. Hey, buddy, how you doing? I'm doing, um, hoo. Well, my normal response is fine, but Arnie, look at this.

Look at this little poison dart. I was outside moments ago coming back from the bloated rabbit, and I heard a bird squawk, and suddenly a poison dart shot out of nowhere Luckily it bounced off my starmer. Yeah, so we okay. I have a couple questions. Sure Okay, you're still going across the street to the bloated rabbit the animal bar and not is this my waters cuz that's that's our competition Okay, and to be fair you parked right by them. That is true That's kind of a shitty move. This tavern can move around.

I can't control it so good. Like I would have left Cadaver Falls, which is kind of an awful place, if I knew how to move this tavern better. Oh, Arnie, I thought you were steering this bad boy. No, every once in a while I go, hi-yah, but nothing happens. Hi-yah.

Are you saying it like that? Hi-yah. Hi-yah, hi-yah. I also make that exact same noise when I do a karate move. Ooh, what's karate? What's that? I can't ex- look. I don't- you don't know karate, but I know Ko-razy. I don't know karate. Guys, I'm on fire right now.

This is the best opening I've ever done. Oh Arnie, oh no, oh no! Blanket, blanket, blanket! Oh, sawdust, blanket, oh. Oh Arnie, oh no, oh no! Blanket, blanket, blanket! I am on fire. Oh, sawdust, blanket, oh. Oh, shut the windows, we gotta shut the windows. These birds, these birds, ever since the animal war started, these birds have been wild. Yeah, so that was the other thing. So birds are actively trying to kill you?

Um, I don't know. I mean, I assume this is a poison dart. We can, uh, I'm gonna have Ysir take a look at it, but it's definitely a dart. Why do you think every dart is a poison dart? I mean, why else have a dart? I mean, why? Why not? Why would he not be upset if it was just a dart?

Hmm. If someone's shooting darts at him in general, it's still not good. I guess that's true. And I think assuming it's poison is safe. Yeah, better safe than dead. True. So has the animal war, which for listeners who aren't caught up, I think assuming it's poison is safe. Yeah, better safe than dead. True. So has the animal war,

which for listeners who aren't caught up, why are you listening to this episode? Perfect place to jump on. Guys, I'm on fire with this edge. Whoa, whoa, whoa, sawdust, sawdust, sawdust. Oh, Arnie, if you're still on fire, shake it, shake it. Say hey-yah again and then shake it, shake it. Hey-yah, hey, I'll just slow it down.

Hey-yah. Okay, that's better. Somehow I feel like I've heard that too many times over the past 15 years. Yeah, but it's enough time passed that maybe you're sort of like welcoming hearing it again. So the sky animals are attacking the land animals and the sea animals are attacking, like all the animals are fighting.

Yes. It's sort of a vicious circle. Cycle? Circle. Cycle? Circle. It's a cycle of circles. Yeah, it is a cycle of circles.

Which is the worst kind. Yeah, it's turtles all the way down. Animals famously love the circle of life. And there's a cycle whereby it completes the circle. Yeah, Arnie, at the dawn of animals, all the creatures, great and small, winged and finned, held hands all across Foon. It was called- Shut up, Arnie, listen.

I'm listening. Arnie, shut up. Shut up. Fuck, shut up. I'm an active listener. I'm gonna make a little noises. I got you can't take those away from I'm not sure exactly what it accomplished, but it was You know the dawn of the animal war I'm a little I can never decide whether I prefer the rise of the Animal War, the war of the Animal War, the kingdom of the Animal War. They're also good beneath the planet of the Animal Wars after you're trying to say yeah, or you know, or just the animal war maybe that maybe it's really just the animal the planet of the animals.

Yeah, I think any of them work. I mean, I don't think anybody, as far as I know, nobody's spending this much time with the naming convention. Yeah. Guys, would you believe I haven't had a drop to drink? No. Arnie, you're on fire. No, no, no, I'm on fire. Shake it, shake it.

Hey, ah. Speaking of turtles all the way down, is it just me? Or she's moving very slowly, which makes sense. But is that our old friend Hilde, the very, very ancient turtle? I kind of see a shell approaching, but I don't have a good angle. Let's give it a minute here. I've had my eye on it for like three weeks.

I've noticed it to the last couple weeks Yeah, I saw the door open and then I saw this thing start to come in I didn't didn't I thought maybe the door stop rolled in one of you mind just going and grabbing that shell Mmm, it's rather not is that rude or you just lazy. Well, I mean there's a animal war going on and I don't know what this Thing is you sit or would you mind sure I can cuz you're a more is. Ysidor, would you mind? Sure, I can. Because you're immortal. No, I'm not immortal. Oh, fuck, that's right. That's part of the whole reason.

The sea creatures are angry at the wizards because they're ancient and they think they're better than us. And now we're not immortal. So they're going to try to come at us. And the birds are like, no fucking way, man. Ysidor, thank you for reminding us that every part of this makes sense. It's my job Oh, you sir also Arnie wanted me to ask you he was embarrassed Yesterday Arnie said Chunt. I'm a mortal does that make me immortal and he wrote it down

He said it's spelled the same way Hmm, so so you can deal with that. I'm gonna go see what this turns is about. Oh, I thought he didn't want to do it. Fuck it. I'm gonna do it. Okay. All right. I was gonna do it. See, you saw her. I told you if we just keep arguing long enough, John will just go and do the thing. If you're a weapon, you have to tell me. If you're a weapon, you have to tell me.

What? If you're a weapon, you have to tell me. What's a weapon? Who will sit down on the table here? Oh, that's Hildy. Hey, Hildy! Oh my god, did you see how fast I flew just then? Sometimes if I concentrate really hard, I can just soar through the air.

I can't control when it happens, but it's always very fast. Let her have it, guys. Let her have it. That's exciting. Whenever it happens, do you feel like hands on you? Um, it's a certain kind of... you know know what that's between me and the goddesses actually It's like a tight little squeeze Hilde. How the hell shell are you? Oh, thank you Um, well, you know, I'm doing is as well as one can be during times of Conflict I'm booked and blessed frankly. I'm actually working a lot. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of strife going on before we

I guess have you as a guest I do want to ask are you and I cool? Oh? No, did we sleep together, and I don't remember Hildy don't don't I don't think that's what he's referred to That's what people are referring to yeah, I understand I I think he's referring to. Oh, well, a lot of times that's what people are referring to. Yeah, I understand. I think he's referring to the current conflicts between the animals of the sky, the animals of the land and the animals of the sea. Oh.

And I want you to know that I consider the wanderlust to be a neutral space and I shall use my great wizardly powers to ensure no fighting happens here. Well, I guess I don't know. I'll make a judgment call. If some fighting breaks out and I think it's cool, I'll let it go.

But no fighting that's not cool. Yeah, if it's cool, maybe. Well, I'll think about it. Yeah, we'll think about it. It doesn't matter. Hildy, just don't get in a fight with Chuck. That's all I'm sure of. Okay, well, you know, I'm trying to do as in these times of conflict.

I am just trying to position myself as as a channel. And I think that the greatest service that I can be, which is how I enlisted is actually as a poet of these times speaking truth to power. Oh, yeah. Also, I'm reminded looking at you. You're like a billion years old or something. You see, you probably you probably can't really serve. Yeah. Well, well, some would say this is the greatest service of all.

So some would say it's braver than being on the front lines. And some would say it's actually in front of the front lines because of how my slam poetry is anticipating the current of the room. Oh, okay. Yes, the artist raises their pen and says, there must be truth spoken into this world. One of the greatest heroisms that someone can commit is that of the brave artist.

Oh, yes, Arnie, there was an otter thousands thousands of years ago a very famous poet otter his name was Filster McNamara and His pen all it wrote so many poems and so many scathing essays and reviews Until he came upon a great soldier who cut him in half with this sword just right just right fucking in half pen and all. Oh, gosh. Okay, so some something to look out for, I guess. Yeah. Has a poem ever, like stopped a war? Has a poem ever stopped a war?

Well, it's started wars, certainly. Yeah, definitely started wars. Poems that were written to lovers, illicit lovers, and then discovered definitely started wars. I'm trying to think if... Homes that really rocked the house just in general. I can't think of one that stopped a war, but based on my first example, I'd have to say if someone discovered a poem from a legitimate lover, maybe that would put an end to it. Oh, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So it's like amnesia rules.

Like, if you get hit in the head that causes amnesia, you just have to do the exact same thing to end the amnesia. I don't think that's how amnesia works. Oh, you sir has amnesia. Well, here, let me hit you on the head. Ah! Ah! Oh.

Who am I? What? Where am I? What is all this? You're our new bartender. Uh, can I get you anything? Oh, I would love three drops of salt water. Three drops of salt water, sure.

Thank you. And you, sir? Ooh, okay, uh, I'm gonna go four drops. Sorry. Four drops of salt water, alright. Oh, great, this always sucks. Everyone else at the table orders what I'm gonna order. Now I feel like I have to pick something else. I guess I'll just have four drops of regular water.

That's, uh, that's okay. Four drops of regular water, I'll be alright. Oh, I want mine to be from crying. I want- So, Hildy, it sounds like you've been doing your slam poetry, which you're somewhat famous for, as part of the war effort? Yes, well, I'm trying to. It was not a service that was requested. I had to submit a form to request to be drafted, which was never answered. So I am just doing what I consider to be my part. I see. So are you doing the poems for the troops? Sometimes it's... Yes, I'm trying to do them for as many troops as I can find.

But the thing that is really particularly exciting about my work... Mr. Badger, close your ears. Oh, yeah, I just... The thing that these stinking land animals don't realize is that many of them think that I, get this, am a tortoise. They think that I'm a land turtle. They think I'm one of them. So I perform for these stinking land animals to gather their secrets and hear what they're discussing at the water cooler. Hilty, are you saying that you're a spy? I'm trying to be. That's kinda cool, I've gotta say. Even though technically, I mean I guess if I had to align with an animal group, I guess I'd be a land

animal. But even still, that's cool. That makes sense. But I feel like you're natural in the water. Really? Yes, a natural mover. I'm very buoyant. That's what I consider to be the most beautiful.

Oh, thank you. Hey, Usador, Usador. I'm sorry, who? Um, you. I think, uh, I can't listen right now, but, um, I'm reading your lips. I think, I think that Hildy's finally telling Arnie how she feels about him. Oh, well that's very exciting for them. I wish them all the luck. Here are your four tiers of water. Okay, thank you so much.

And I'm gonna go back over to the table here, and, uh, three tiers of water for you. And four regular water for you. Badger, Badger, I was just over there. They got quiet when I went over there. Huh, sorry, just go ahead and face me so I can read your lips. My ears are still covered. Badger, look at me, Badger. Badger, look at me, Badger.

Look at me, Badger. Okay, you don't have to over enunciate. I can read lips pretty well. Look at me, Badger. Haldi, I don't know how good your eyesight is, but if you can see over there, it really looks like Ysidor and Chunk are about to make out. They're moving their lips so much and getting close to each other. Oh my goodness, a classic mating call.

If I can be honest with you, I've sensed tension between the two of them from the beginning. I know. Badger, you don't have to talk slower! Badger, they got very have to talk slower. Badger. They got very quiet when I went over there, so I think you're right. I think they are discussing their deep feelings for one another. They got very quit? It's like watching an x-ray of people kissing.

The tongues are all over the place. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, just you know, if you remember my name, I'd love to know it. Ysodon. Who? Mark. Your name is Mark. Ah, that makes sense. Feel like a Mark. Oh, here they come. Be cool. Be cool. Okay. Hey, hey. This is my friend Mark. We went to something together and he's going to be staying with us for a few years. Um... He's gonna stay with you? Ugh, fine. Oh, he can have the wizard's old room, a-wink-wink.

Oh, oh, that's very generous of you. Hey, uh, what, um, what feelings are you talking about over here? Oh yeah, what feelings are we talking about? Badger and I were just talking about Ham and how we love Ham. Oh, that's so nice. It's so nice to connect over something that you both love so much. That's a really strong foundation. Yeah, yeah. What do you bros think of Ham? Um, I like Ham. Yeah. Get it in my mouth.

I won't touch this stuff. Anything else you love that may or may not be at this table? I thought that was a pretty good say. Yeah, I mean, Arnie said I love it, Hildy said I hate it. It's sort of a will they, won't they? This is going great. Yeah, so we just talk about all sorts of things

that we love. I just, ham just happened to be one of the things that popped in my head. It could be anything. It could be a person or a creature or a being. I love seeing potential and I love the feeling of tension. Okay, okay, okay.

Hildy, this won't mean anything to you. And frankly, I don't know why it would mean anything to me. But these two, they got sort of a challenger's vibe going on. Oh, I haven't seen it yet. It's the sexiest play in all of Foon. Well, why don't we take a quick break and Mark and I might try and find a third. Isn't that right, Mark? Sounds good to me, man.

You are covered in bird shit. Oh, I gotta get this robe off. I look ridiculous. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard somebody say, call 911. As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries.

So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels, There are murders in all of the books. that she was playing them out in real life?

Follow Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Hey, this is Leon Nayfok. I want to tell you about my new series, Backfired, The Vaping Wars, available now on Audible. What happened when two Stanford graduate students set out to create a new kind of cigarette,

one that wouldn't kill people? Backfired is a tale of opportunity, addiction, and good intentions gone awry, exploring Juul Labs rise and fall, and the insane illegal vape market that has sprouted up in its wake. To hear the whole story, go to audible.com slash backfired and sign up for a free trial. That's audible.com slash backfired. John, when I had used it on the head and gave him amnesia, like should we just keep them that way? Or I don't think we have a choice. Aren't you right? Unless you know some way to undo amnesia.

I was really just trying to show that like the amnesia rule is if you hit someone on the head, if you hit them on the head again, they don't have amnesia. Oh. Um, I don't think that's the case, but you're welcome to try. Okay. Yeah, but then again, he's a really good bartender. Oh, an amazing bartender. Did you see how well he poured those waters? Also, Arnie, I gotta say, hit somebody with amnesia on the head again, you risk double amnesia. Oh, that's true.

Hit me on the rock for amnesia, shame on you. Hit me twice on the head for amnesia, what are we talking about? You are crazy, you do know it. Did someone hit me on the head? That's my question. Any of you bros know how to play Shrike Hold'em? Oh, I love that game.

Thought maybe we'd play some cards here. I love Shrike Hold'em, but be careful, I always win. Oh, you do? Well, I barely know how to play myself, so I'm learning, I'm new to it. Still fun though. Any of you chumps, I mean friends went to play huh? Um, I did but then Hildy said she never loses and you call this chumps. So I'm gonna go ahead and deal Okay, Arnie. Oh, I just like to watch Classic Arnie. Nasty. Real challenger situation. Okay, let's Shuffle up the cards. Okay. This is Shrike Hold'em aces or fours

Jacks are crazy. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. All right. And Hildy, it's to you. Twins. Okay, Hildy has twins, which means the pot doubles. So it goes from 200 gold to 400 gold and we put them right next to each other. Okay, that just like twins. All right, it's over to you usador I'm sorry mark. It's over to mark. Oh, sorry mark. Mark Bender. I'll I'll take I'll take one card and

I'll I'll raise the twins to a triplet Wow. Okay, you're gonna take the car. This is beautiful It's so brave of you. They're not even your twins to decide to raise them. Yeah. Mark, do you take this card to have and to hold for as long as this hand shall last? I do. And card, do you take this mark to have you and hold you for as long as this may live and also raise your twins? OK, the card nodded. All right.

You get the card. Great. This goes to the center here and we turn that card over. Ooh! Wow! It's a nine of apes. Oh jeez. Nine of apes. It's gonna kill the twins.

Okay, the nine is slowly creeping towards the twins. Ooh, its fists are raised. Nobody's doing anything, interesting. I would like to save the more attractive twin. Kill the smarter one, and then this, the boy. I'll leave him to fend for himself. Hildi, what a choice. Okay, yes, these are fraternal, okay.

Hildi's choice. We all, I mean, we all know the more attractive one. Oh Objective at this point. I'll tell you so usually the the less attractive one is the smarter one as Hildy indicated You can be pretty you're smart. Okay, so I'm gonna shove that to the side. Of course the nine of apes crushes the other twin Thus becoming the 13 of hope Anybody have a 13 of Hope in their hand? Going once, going twice.

Oh, I do! Oh, Hildy wins. Oh. See, what'd I tell you? All right. And that's how you make a statue. And of course, it's honor system, so. Yeah, that's right.

You don't have to show us anything. She never raised her hand. She never showed us that card. Everybody eat you cards when you're done, okay? Those are good cards Well, I think I'm gonna call tonight. I think my shifts ending here so I'm gonna head back up to the Wizards room and I Don't just hang out there for a while. maybe read a little unless you guys want to go out on the town maybe hit the bloated rabbit I would but you're not

wearing anything mark you took off those roads yeah well I've got a loincloth you know but I mean it flops around you can see everything no I know yeah I was gonna say that that game of Shrike was very sexually charged. Well, I can put on some clothes. I don't care, man. I'm very, you know, I'm just down to like hang with my bros. Hey, if you want us to get out of here and give her some space, I could I could pray for those hands to lift me out of here.

Oh, you don't need to go anywhere. You're all my bros. Just a bunch of burro hams. Hang out. I love ham I'm gonna go eat some ham. I'll be right back Arnie. Yeah, he keeps calling us bros He works as a bartender ends his shift and wants to go to a different bar. What the fuck is up with mark? This guy's weird classic bartender activity Oh, we put on a tight black shirt. Yeah

bartender activity. Oh, he put on a tight black shirt? Yeah. But still no pants. That looks pretty good. It actually looks pretty good. I mean, yeah. Damn. To finally cover up that bird shit. That's part of it. Mark looks good in a tight black t-shirt. What is going on? Hildy, what are you, do you still, what's going on with you and your loins? Oh, in my loins? Well, my lo- well, it's... I gotta write that down, that's a great question. Things are going pretty well. I'm trying to get people to fall in love with me so that they tell me their secrets of war... Oh, that's right. I can't keep a secret from you and Hildy, I'm sorry. Hildy's a spy.

What? I figured you assumed- Yeah, Hildy is the spy for the sea. But we're buds, still. What the fuck? You could have assumed as much. I'm incredibly attractive. I'm sharp as a whip and smart as a tack.

You're sharp as a dot dot dot whip. Yes, and I'm smart as a tack. My smartness is my attack move. Hildy, do you mind? What if we went across the Bloated Rabbit? And look, I don't want to get involved in any serious espionage, but could we see your spy craft at work? I just... I would just love to see it. Oh my goodness. Okay, okay, but you might not think the same of me after you see me in this mode. Mm-hmm. Let's just say this.

Fuck, I've been waiting at the end of the bar here for Mark to do last call. Excuse me, Mark? Yeah? Can you not ignore me? I'm literally the only one at the bar. You're looking in every other direction. Hello? Okay, what do you mean?

Is it last call? Oh, yeah. I gotta get out of here. I gotta get over the the bloated rabbit I have a date with a centaur tonight yeah we're also going whoa holy shit we're also going to the bloated rabbit everybody want a drink to go bring drinks over to the bloated rabbit or buy a drink there what do we think oh I would just get a drink there I wouldn't buy a drink here okay then I'll close out could you squirt my drink from here over there man are you careful yeah I'll just squirt it over there for you, don't worry about it.

Thanks. You know, like how they did with Zooms. If you wouldn't mind having your eyes just be welled up with tears for the walkover, in case I get a little thirsty I'd like a drop. That's legal! Sure, I can make myself cry. I'm very sensitive. I really like my feelings.

I'm just down to party with my bros when I get to though. Oh, okay. Oh, I meant to go. Oh, geez. Boy, I'm so empty inside. Oh, wow. Oh, Mark, no. All I do is drink and make drinks, work shift after shift, year after year, going by, not accomplishing anything, never settling down, never building a family.

This is why you gotta leave before closing. Sure, Sheila wanted to marry me many years ago, but it just didn't work out. You know, we were just too different. I was human, she was elvish, and I was working this dead-end job at this bar. But she looked at me one day and she said, if you don't do something with your life, I have to walk out that door. And I said, baby, I'm doing it every day. Just check it out. Check out these abs. Check out this tight black shirt. Check out these chains. I'm bringing it every day, full force.

Arnie, how hard did you hit him? I don't know. He's invented a whole backstory. He's existed for ten minutes. How does he have this much baggage? Oh, fuck. Fucking shit. Ha ha! Sheila! Sheila! Uh, well, yeah, let's start walking over to the bloated rabbit here, and, um... Uh, Hilde, whoa, look at you, you're starting to fly again. Oh my god, it's, I can't control it, isn't it wild?

Weeeeee! Hilde, as we enter the bloated rabbit, is there anything that will help your spy craft? Like, should we announce you or should we walk around the room and be like, oh hey, have you noticed this person that's not a spy? Um, okay, definitely not the last one. It feels like it would work, but it backfires more often than not. Um, maybe what would be helpful is to spy someone who's alone in the room, someone who looks like they're very important and has a lot of military knowledge

and is simultaneously vulnerable and by themselves There's usually at least one What about that guy sitting alone with the bar wearing the epaulettes on her shoulders? That'll do wait. I have just a small Suggestion just so we don't feel bad about the spycraft so much What about that bird over there with the epaulettes on its shoulders? That way we're spying on the sky. Oh, shoot. Listen, I'll spy on anybody. I'll spy on myself. I just love to work. Oh, but what about over there in the corner on the floor? Those epaulettes with two

worms on them. Oh, you know what I just realized? It's epaulette night at the bloated rabbit. Oh, you know what I just realized it's epaulette night at the bloated rabbit. Oh Shit, um, I can ship some for me. Yeah, also those emplettes down there with the worms on those are just some dirty epaulettes Yeah, let me just grab these and I'll put one on The worms oh and actually market says it's epaulette slash industry night. So I think you're good snap Snap, huh? Seems weird coming out of your mouth, but with the tight black shirt I'm actually buying it. Okay Let's all be on our guard here Hildy which one did you want to talk to oh?

Okay, I wanted to talk to the worms, but it turns out there was just dust on the ground Why don't we go over there and talk to that? Pelican seems like a friend, actually a foe. Pelican it is. Hey man, what's up? My name's Mark. This is my friend Hilly, this is my friend Arnie, this is my friend Badger. Hi! Oh hi! I just wanted to say hi here on Epitle at night, you know. And just say, you know, do you need a drink or anything, man? We can get you a drink. We'll cover you tonight. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I don't know if I should drink too much on account of the war. I don't want to interrupt you, but has anyone ever told you you sound like a pelican?

You really sound like a pelican. Ooh, Mark, Mark. Ooh, careful, careful. No, no, no, thank you. I just want to say, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Because if I'm being honest, when I opened my big old bill to talk, I didn't know what kind of voice was going to come out. Yeah, I kind of figured, so I just wanted to reinforce that. I'm going to go way off. And also, if it doesn't stay consistent, I've got a condition. Oh, what's the condition? War. War. I got a little war brain.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you and my friend Mark here both. What's your name, Pelican? My name? Looking around the room. He's looking around the room pretty severely. Sorry, just thinking about Pelican words. Hilty, his cover must not be in place. I think you can get a lot of information out of this guy. Oh, watch me go go. My name is Birdie.

Admiral Birdie. That's what I came up with. Oh, he looked in a mirror? This is the saddest fucking fake name I've ever heard. He just looked in a mirror and said Birdie. Oh, Admiral Birdie. Is that a family name? The Birdie part is.

The Admiral part is just the role that I have. Oh, of course. You must have worked very hard to get to where you are. Yeah, well, you know, I just have been working really hard to fly my way to the bottom. That's how we refer to it in this amongst the sky animals, because we start up so high, we got to fly our way to the bottom. That's hilarious. Oh, yeah. Arnie, did you know that that animals from the sky are usually born as high up as possible? And then unlike earthbound creatures, they want to get lower.

We think of it, they think of it exactly the opposite of us. Mark, I'm loving everything I'm hearing. This is the most interesting character we've talked to in a long time. Well, I wouldn't push it. Better than Mark. Well, as you can tell, I'm just a little egg myself. I'm a little too scared to hatch.

So I need kind of a big birdie to show me around. Oh, Arnie, I didn't even notice Hilde painted her entire shell white somehow. This, how impressive. Yeah, I don't know. I don't wanna know what that paint is made out of. I really wanna see what happens here, but I'm gonna head over to the dance floor. I still have a date in half an hour so I gotta

get my groove on while I can. Yeah yeah no go for it. Chumps have fun. Yeah go for it. Wait he has to get his dance on before his date starts? He's only got a half hour to dance before his date starts? Yeah. I gotta live while I can! Also there's no fucking way he's got a date right? He just just existed. He started existing a couple minutes ago. Arnie, be very careful. If someone has amnesia, you don't want to disrupt their reality. That could be pretty severe. And if he gets double amnesia from, I don't know, rejection or getting hit on the head

again, he goes from knowing nothing and remembering nothing to knowing everything and remembering everything, which is too much for any brain. I guess I'm just saying some of the Mark stuff doesn't make sense, but let's go back to talking to this very believable bird. Yeah, let's go back to Admiral Birdie. So you, you're an egg. You know, this is such a weird coincidence because I used to be an egg. No, you? Yeah, so I might be able to help you if you need any advice.

I need all the help I can get! Well, I would say just spread your wings. Just like get bigger. That's how I did it. Is my voice the same as it was before? Close enough. I'm going to check in every couple minutes. Yeah, yeah, no, close enough. Spread your wings?

That's incri- You know, not a lot of people are brave enough to say the things you're saying oh we gotta be brave if you're if you're fighting for the sky oh my god fighting for the sky thank you for your service by the way who did you kill today I tried to kill I tried to kill a badger oh and my other fuck is this your dart slams down on table is this your dark you I need these back they're almost out of poison see Arnie see the yeah you're right you are here sorry air Arnie air yes why put poison on the darts isn't just a dart bad enough well it's it's a special poison. It's diarrhea poison.

Diarrhea poison? That's hilarious! Because land animals are so weird about shitting. Have you noticed that? In the sky, we don't have to worry about it. It's all diarrhea! In the sky, we just shit and it goes where it goes. Mostly on Mark?

But I'm sorry, beautiful little egg. We just shit and it goes where it goes mostly on mark But I'm sorry a little beautiful little egg, what is your name? Oh My name Looking around the room pretty pretty severely. Oh shit. Look helps if it helps look in this mirror Oh, I don't me remember my name, but don't say Admiral birdie My name is Yoke. Yoke. Yoke. Yeah, Yoke. Yoke. Yoke. Yeah, Yoke. Yes, it's I'm still dancing. But I just want to remind you, I did introduce all of you guys to him. Oh, yeah, I'm still dancing, but I just want to remind you I did introduce all of you guys Tim already Oh, maybe I'm getting it. God amnesia. What was the did you have a name before? Mark

Mark bartender is that you yeah, it's me. What's up as I live and breathe I didn't think I'd ever see you again not after how we left things Sheila Yes, I didn't recognize you. I didn't recognize you with your... I didn't recognize you? Hair dyed purple. Tight black shirt and your milk hands. What are you doing here at the Bloated Rabbit? You go.

You... Look, I was just working my shift over at the Wanderlost. It's the new bar in town. I just have to work, because, um... You know, my dad's been pretty sick. I know. I really paid. I'm surprised you're not with the bros. What was it? I got a lot of bills I gotta pay.

Don't y'all. So I'm working hard. Every day down in the quarry, every night up in the bar. Just trying to make ends meet. Pinching every penny. Because someone's gotta raise little banana feth. Oh, banana feth. I miss him so much. Speaking of dads, my dad got so angry after he knew that I was seeing you. He locked me in my room for what felt like years.

Finally I got out. When he got consumption, he coughed into a rag and there was blood everywhere. I took his cart and I drove all night in the rain until finally I rolled the cart over and fell out. I thought I had died. I thought I'd gone up to heaven, but it was simply a crane had lifted me up into the air. Sometimes that happens. You're telling me. One animal picks up another animal and it thinks it's flying. You're telling me, big boy. I'm telling you.

What do you think? Smooch for old time's sake? Sheila, I'm raising our son on my own and trying to save my sick father. I'm working two shifts every single day. I got one date with a centaur in 15 minutes and I gotta dance while I can dance, baby. We'll keep dancing because the midnight crane is coming to take me anywhere. Anywhere F-O-O-N. So we got tonight and we only have tonight, Mark. And then I gotta go back. Kiss me, She-La.

Kiss me, Mark. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah They're telling secrets to each other. Oh, yeah, I guess so who would just mark on the dance floor alone Look in the sky it's weird that is weird that is so weird, but everything over here is making a little bit more sense Hildy Are you gonna try to pump this pelican for information or? Assassinate him. I'm just curious how this spy craft works. Oh, assassinate him! That's a great idea! Well, first it has to be a credible assault. So I got the poison dart thing, so I think I got the go-ahead for a straight-up murder, if you think it's good.

I, uh, you know, he doesn't seem... Yeah, I feel like we've had enough of him. Oh, hey H't seem... Yeah, I feel like we've had enough of him. Oh, hey Hilde. Yeah? Um, I'm very impressed and this is going swimmingly, but just so you know, I stood behind Admiral Bertie and I see a bit of shell peeking out. I think that's a turtle. No. Yeah, I think this is V-Spot.

Can I tell you the number of times this has happened to me? Yeah, tell us. It's this- we're the smartest creatures... in any... uh, anywhere. Wow, now that I look around the room, those two little worms have tiny little turtle shells. Oh crap. Bartender's got a hat that's pretty much a turtle shell.

Oh my gosh, it's like a family reunion. flamingos. Yeah, there's definitely turtle shells on their back there. Okay. You're right Badger. We should have seen this coming. Since the word epaulette is famously an an acronym. Well, it's turtle backwards. Yeah, fabulette is famously the word turtle backwards.

Yeah, famously. It's hard to say because it doesn't look like how you would think it's pronounced. Yeah, it is Mark, why do you have your arm just hanging up in the air around air? Bros, this is Sheila. I wanted you everyone to meet Sheila She's my she's the mother of my son banana ff and And I am I love her, but we can't be together. We're too toxic. It's not gonna work.

I gotta dance until this date. Then I gotta get to the quarry bright and early at 4 a.m. Arnie, did you major in head bonks? What's going on, buddy? No, I guess I don't know my own strength. I'm gonna call it a night, bros bros I love you each and every one of you well I love you love you mark I love being a bird oh do you what's your secrets about being a bird fascinating um and can I just get a closer look at your legs, please? Oh, yes.

Uh, though since I'm a bird, they're called my, uh, sticky things. Oh, your sticky things said just like a bird. Aha! What do I see here? The telltale shoes of a deep sea turtle. Whoa. I didn't even know deep sea turtles had the same shoes. Oh, you caught me Aha Spy recognizes spy. He'll be mine. You're you're oh, this is so embarrassing

Oh, sorry, let me shake off all of the spittle off of my back. Yes, hello, I'm a fellow turtle. Oh, Arnie, the paint was spittle. Yep, I'd recognize turtle spittle anywhere. I was about to walk out the door, bros, but I just wanted to say, your voice, you sound just like a deep sea turtle. Thank you. This one I was a little more confident in.

Later, bros. Bye, Mark. Later, Mark. Deuces! Mark! Yeah, yeah. Good night! Mark! Mark, good night! Good night, Mark!

Yeah, what? I'm leaving! Youssef's gonna be so pissed if Mark fucks in his room. It's like you said there was one rule. Don't fuck in my bed. Arnie, remember every time Youssef leaves, he's like, I'm off to a great adventure, don't fuck in my bed! It's true.

He says it to himself sometimes too. I don't fuck in my bed. Arnie, remember every time you saw her leaves? He's like, I'm off to a great adventure, don't fuck in my bed! It's true. He says it to himself sometimes too. Oh yeah, he'll be going to sleep, he's like, don't fuck in my bed. If you do fuck in my bed, don't fuck me in my bed. That's the worst breaking of the rule.

Oh yeah, and sometimes he slips into the bed fucking state. Mm-hmm. Wait, okay. You know he has the wizard state and then the bed fucking state. Yeah, where he fuck into the bed fucking state. Mm-hmm. Wait Okay, you know as a wizard state and then the bed fucking state Yeah, anyway, anyway, sorry spice spice. Go ahead spice spice. Well, are you happy with your work here? Did you find out anything? No, I was hoping but you know what maybe now that I've Met you I can team up with you and we can get some information Because I am a sea turtle and I'm not secretly a bunch of worms pretending to be a turtle.

Pretending to be a bird. Oh no, show me your legs. Again? Yes, something you said, which I cannot disclose, made me highly suspicious just now. Is he a sea turtle? Is he worms? Is he who he says he is?

Find out after this break. The world of junior tennis is organized chaos. I really love that element of being by yourself out there. Even if you don't want the pressure, it comes with it. If I'm not hard on myself, how am I going to succeed? From executive producers LeBron James, Maverick Carter, and Sloan Stevens. These kids are four of the top junior players in the world. You have to keep pushing yourself to the limit.

It's so hard on your body. The hardest part is finding those times to be a normal kid. You know, instead of going to prom, I was playing the junior French Open. It's a lot of sacrifice. Schoolwork. Friends. Sleep. This is not normal life. You have to really love this. If I can control my anxiety, I could come out on top.

It's all on you. All the work you're putting in to be a pro. How bad do you want this? I'll basically play until I drop. Let's go. This summer, Amazon presents Uninterrupted's Top Class Tennis. It's going pro or nothing. Premiering on Freebie and Prime Video July 18th.

Peyton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct. You're such a Leo. All time. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions.

If you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second. then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host of Wondry's newest podcast, Let Me Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess, we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides don't you worry the deep cuts the niche the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after

she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise. Mother. A mother to many. Follow Let Me Say This on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new episodes on YouTube or listen to Let Me Say This at free by joining Wondry Plus and the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Previously on Magic Tavern. Uh, you want to see my legs? Yeah, I've got a sneaking suspicion about something. Watch my spy powers at work.

Well, here's one of my legs. Ah ha! work. Well, here's one of my legs. Ah, ah! Let me just take out my knife and... Just as I suspected! If I cut your leg in half, it becomes two worms! Oh, those are big worms. Huge worms. But not snakes. Yes, because that character's already taken. So you're telling me that you're a pile of worms who is pretending to be a sea turtle who is pretending to be a pelican? Yes, uh huh. What sort of sick game were you all playing?

Who do you even work for? We work for the land, kinda. Also, we're in it for sex. I'm just in it for sex tonight. That's all I want is one last romp in the hay. Oh your room, it's... it's different. There's posters on the wall, robes strewn about. Oh Mark.

Yeah? Mark, what is this room? This used to be the wizard's room, but he had to take off I guess. Look. You cast a spell on me. I want to be with you. Oh, I want to be with you, Mark. Look. You cast a spell on me. I want to be with you. Oh, I want to be with you, Mark.

But um. Oh, I dropped something. Here, let me pick it up for you. No, no, no, don't pick it up. No, no, no, it was my panties. Oh. I hate that word. I feel like I'm going to get in trouble here.

So hildy. Seems like the spy stuff is going okay. It seems confusing being a spy. It's incredibly confusing. But I guess I uncovered something. Gotta report all this to Ronaldo tonight. Oh, Ronaldo, Ronaldo, your manager? Yes, yes, Ronaldo, my manager. He keeps track of all of my kills, all of my beheadings, and every one that I've uncovered to be a pile of worms.

How often do you uncover people who are a pile of worms? These worms, I'm telling you, I don't know what they were doing before the war, but now they are strictly impersonating people. Oh. Do you feel like worms are overcompensating? They're like, we really gotta get involved in this war. I guess so, but I'm like,

you already can clone yourselves when you are cleaved. Isn't that enough? But something, it's never enough for you people. Isn't that enough, Mark? Isn't that enough? Or is this never enough for you? It'll never be enough for me. Sheila, you'll never, you'll never be gone from my heart.

I'll always love you I got I've got to work hard and get that magical gem to save my father I gotta make sure banana faff has enough money to go to mage school Mark don't you see don't you see your illness is killing us you're an addict Sheila an addict no Sheila. An addict. No, I can stop when I want to, anytime. Anytime I want to, Mark. Mark, kiss me.

Kiss me, please. That's the cure. That's the cure. Okay. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. Blah, blah, blah, blah. That's the sound I hear when worms are impersonating someone. It's actually a low gurgle underneath the tone

I should have known from the beginning with Admiral birdie. I mean, I'm no expert but I felt like all those voices were pretty good But still I was so so coming from a spy. They were so so sure so Hildy How many animals have you killed? Oh And Arnie remember she's like a billion years old so, you know, this could be quite a big number. Well, that's right. John, I'm so sorry I forgot you're here. No, that's fine. Here.

Oh, yeah. You mean like from the beginning? I guess since the animal war. So it's only been a couple of weeks. Oh, oh, just a handful. Just a handful. Mostly they've driven themselves mad with lust or rage after hearing my poems, so none of them have been by my hand directly. I've been possible to trace.

Now, I'm not a spy and I'm mostly not involved in the animal war, although again, I guess technically I'm a land creature. But is there any, like, hot goths from coming from the sea? Like, what's the sea's strategy in the animal war? The sea's strategy? Honestly, I've been on the land for... I keep trying to go back for check-ins, but as you know, I can't control my flying. So when I want to go home, it takes me an incredibly long time. I'm trying to stay in touch via sea mailmail, but that is easily infiltrated as you could imagine.

And I write in a code so strict that I fear no one, including myself, can crack it. Oh, and what you're saying is you've forgotten your own password. Yes, I cannot get in. And I don't know. And then it says, step authentification and I say it's me, it's me. Yeah. It takes you so long to take two steps. Like that's not going to make any sense. Exactly. I say I wish it was one flight authentication but I can't control the flight.

Honestly, I'm trying to get in touch with somebody but the call waiting is freaking killing me. Oh yeah, Hildy, do you have any grandkids or anything that could help out? Oh, that's a fantastic idea. Well, usually we stay in touch via email, so they're probably missing my odes. But yeah, they should be working harder for me. Do you know how many grandkids I have?

Um, no. 10? Three. 10. Try 20 billion. That doesn't sound right. Twenty billion? I lost track.

Honestly, I hatched the eggs and then whatever they do from there is their business. Sure, yeah. But even still, you've hatched a lot of eggs. Yeah, well I've taken many lovers, I've hatched a lot of eggs, I've been alive pretty much since the beginning of time. That's true. You think that somebody could help me with my C-mail? many lovers I've hatched a lot of eggs I've been alive, surely much since the beginning of time. That's true. You'd think that somebody could help me with my sea meal.

Ah, boy. I mean, 20 billion does seem like a lot, Arnie, but considering how old Hildea is, she may have birthed all of sea life. I mean, take this piece of paper, for instance. If I fold it 20 times, did you know it would reach the moon or something? Something like that? Arnie, did you know that's something like that? That also doesn't sound right.

Eh, may not be. I feel like I saw it somewhere. Hmm. What was that? Who'd be in the hierarchy of the sea? How high up are you? Well, I was there since the beginning. If anybody has a question about the history of underwater or how things were capital B before, they always come to me. They ask my advice about all of the ancient wars and about the future as well. I'm quite intuitive. So I'd say I'm pretty close to the top. Have you been involved in animal wars in the past?

Certainly how do you think I learned how to become such a good spy? The technology has improved immensely. spittle spittles new yes Mm-hmm cutting your enemies foot to see if it you know regenerates. Yes. I didn't use to have knives It was all wordplay Hmm luckily we've advanced past that yes. Yes. We've evolved no wordplay on this episode Yes, yes We've evolved no wordplay on this episode Hildy using your skill of premonition. How do you think this animal war will end? What a beautiful question that I know I don't know if you're prepared for the answer. She's looking around the room pretty hard

To answer it in the poem if that's okay with you sure yes, but yes Answer it in the poem if that's okay with you sure yes War War What's it for? When will it end in three months? Oh, okay? Sometimes it's oh, I don't know the answer, but the poet So I guess it's three months. Yeah, okay. Three months, okay. Is that three months from now, from this episode?

I kid, the channel is closed. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa, Mark, slow down. Mark, Mark, slow down, slow down. Why? Whoa. What's going on, buddy?

You raced in here. I had to get out of there, bros. Couldn't take it anymore. Sheila was driving me mad with lust. Oh. You didn't fuck in the bed, did you? No, something was telling me that I couldn't. Instinctively, I felt like if I did that, I'd be wrong.

I mean, we fucked on everything else, though. Oh, boy. Jerked off. Well, Arnie, maybe it's... I don't know, maybe it's for the best that you bonk him again and we see what shakes out or... Do you think Mark would be a good host for the rest of the season? I mean... Yeah, not forever, but like for the next 70 episodes or so. Yeah, slow play it.

Yeah, just kind of sex up the show. Well, although, the show's already pretty sexy. Oh, but it could be sexier, bro. Alright, alright, bonk. Yeah, she was already pretty sexy. Oh, but it could be sexier, bro. I mean all right all right Mark mark who mark bartender whoo oh? Arnie he's an owl he thinks he's an owl no great. Oh boy. Is he a pile of worms pretending to be an owl? Let me listen close No, good girl cut his leg off. Okay, let me try and-

Fuck! Ugh! Ugh. Owl? I don't remember who I am. It feels like I have... Triple amnesia! Oh no. So if amnesia is not remembering anything, and double amnesia is remembering everything... What is triple amnesia?

Triple amnesia... remembering everything what is triple amnesia remember some stuff oh oh it feels like uh feels like I just want to get some fluids I feel dehydrated oh amnesia is mostly being dehydrated oh thank god oh oh it's responding to having been hit in the head by a rock a few times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well. Oh, Ysitor, take a look in the mirror here. Oh, well. Look at that tight black shirt, huh? Tight black shirt, a bunch of chains.

This is an interesting look for me. I might stick with this. Yeah, it's not too shabby. Not too shabby. I also feel drained, I just feel drained. Yep, you should. Hildy, is there anywhere you'd like us to throw you? Throw me?

Is there anywhere you'd like to fly? Oh. There you go, Chucky. Oh, well. Super fast without anything to brace you for a fall. Well, I guess a spy's work is never done, so I would like to go, why don't you take me to headquarters? Oh, okay. That bar's just down the road.

How about just on top of that shelf to the end of this episode? Oh, that's fine for me for now. A better perch to see you, my dear. Oh. Guys, I do wanna throw her though. I wanna throw her and see if I can take out, you know, an enemy in front of me.

Oh yeah. Like if I could just aim it and time it just right, I feel like she would kind of slide and kind of take out an enemy in front of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Hilly, we're gonna go ahead and send you to headquarters now. If you see any, I don't know, any big monkeys

on little cars in the way, just knock them over, okay? Uh, okay. I'll do my best. And... Oh! She bounced back, she's coming right at me! No monkeys! Sorry! Sorry to the badger. It's alright. Sometimes that's what happens, just taking a chance. Did you see me fly just then we did very impressive That's what's crazy. You think you're gonna walk and then boom you hit him in the head John are you okay? You got hit in the head pretty hard by that shell who was John?

Shit, he's got a major Who am I? Who are you guys? Where am I? Well, Mark, it's time for you to get back to the bar. Oh, okay. I'm a bartender? Yeah, put on your shirt. Yeah, that makes sense.

Ugh! I have some chains here. What do you bros want to drink? I'll have three drops of salt water, please. You got it, bro. What else? I'll have four drops of regular water. All right, a bro. What else? I'll have four drops of regular water all right. You got a bro. What about you, bro? Can I have a big glass of ham ah brah now? We're talking ham. I love ham yeah

brah, yeah Mark don't fucking use it or his bed Don't fucking my bed. How many times do I have to say it? I won't because Sheila left me Sheila left me. Sheila left me and my kid, Bananafef. What? Oh, Bananafef. He wants to be a mage, but I don't have the money.

Got to work in the quarry. Sorry, what's his name? Bananafef. Do do do do do. Bananafef. Do do do do. Yeah, Bananafef. Do do do do do. Do do do do do. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Of course this whole story isn't in this rock, it's in a snow globe being stared

at by a child. Usual the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Hilde Shiblin the Ancient Turtle was played by Olivia Nielsen. You can follow Olivia on TikTok at Olivia West Niel, or check out her sub stack, The Honeypot. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon, of which we have none. Oh wait, some just showed up!

They are Paul Gude, Mr. Charles W. Weaver, Esquire, Lestandir Tinadin, oh sweet lembas bread, Taxi, Grey Haven, step on it, Troll Severi Lier, Davenor, friend of the Golden Bear, well Davenor I had lunch with the Golden Bear just last week, and you didn't come up once, Nidhiyo Cubwiyo, Kobe Carroll, Charlie, James Thurston Calinore, Gavin Boatman, his Airness, ZLN, and Lyra Eschenroeder. Patrons get ad-free episodes, one free ride on the back of the Golden Bear to any destination real or imagined, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adol Rafai post-production coordination

by Garrett Schultz associate producer Anna Hoverman this episode edited by Sage GC hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard Laban magic tavern theme by Andy Poland Andy Poland. Let's go back to Salem, Massachusetts in the late 1600s. Things are not going well, to say the least. What started as a few stressed out colonial tweens messing around became a conspiracy of religious paranoia with townsfolk turning on each other quicker

than Kendrick and Drake. I'm Misha Brown, the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each week, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time. We recently explored one of history's biggest flops, going all the way back to the original witch hunt, the Salem Witch Trials. The co-hosts of And That's Why

We Drink, Em Schultz and Christine Schieffer, joined me to hex the patriarchy and point the finger at the Salem Witch Trials. Follow the big flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Go deeper and get more to the story with Wondery's top history podcasts including American Scandal, Legacy, and Black History. For real.