Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 19 - Fluff the Squirrel Now (w/ Josh Gondelman)

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

Things have been rough for Fluff the Squirrel who claims to be very cool and popular.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiFluff the Squirrel: Josh GondelmanMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. It hasn't been real for all this time and it's not getting real today. Oh, and forgive me if my voice sounds a little rough around the thorax. Let's just say recently I had to answer a never-ending series of inane questions, and I am still recovering. IYKYK. Is that how you say that? Anyway, sit back and for the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical Land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wanderlust, in the magical Land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trachas. The elves know me as Fianyalec, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Huxtengiz, and I am known throughout the North-East as Gasmanius Maestar.

And there may be other secret names, names of such great power important that oh if I did air utter them aloud most assuredly You would bleed from your eyes And then your eyes would bleed from their pupils and then your blood would also have eyes Yeah, I know that stuff John I'm sorry you sort of been complaining lately that I keep forgetting to introduce them So I thought I'd I know I got a lot of the comments Well, yeah written vocal mental I get a lot of like wake up in the middle of night screaming cuz he said to me mental notes and stuff

Oh really, you know what? You know what you too. I think I'm good. You're good for the whole I'll catch you next week Okay Holy just sort of backed into the wall and sort of oh Always really sort of phases through a wall Ar sort of... Oh. That's not easy. It's always weird when he sort of phases through a wall. Huh. Um, Arnie, do you mind standing up real quick? Oh, do you really need me to? If you don't mind.

Okay, let me put in place my hands on the sides of my chair and push myself up. You're the only person I know who describes how they stand. Okay. Okay, keep my balance. And then Arnie, buddy, why don't you go ahead and have a seat? Oh, thank God. I'll put my hands down just to balance myself as I lower myself back into my chair. Yes, Ernie with all the Wizard stuff going on and the animal wars

Your wizard and I wanted to have a little chat with you We've put this off for way too long, but now that you know, things are getting as bad as ever It's time. We had the talk. Oh, it's a time for this. Yeah, it's time for the talk Okay, let me just walk up to the chair here guys I mostly know how sex works. Okay, you describe it. Yeah, let's hear it. Okay, it's sort of like being in a hot tub And you get tickled like crazy Huh rips up this index card? There goes that metaphor.

I gotta say, I don't feel good about that I described it that way, but that's just what came to mind. Okay, no, Arnie, it seems like you basically have it. Do you know why we have the deed? Why we do the deed? Intercourse. I mean, I'm sure there are lots of reasons. Okay, rips up this note card.

Chunt. Chunt, how many reasons are there? I was, I mean, I was hoping Arnie would say a bunch of- I mean, pleasure is one and it must be another. Yeah, that's one, oh for sure that's one. Okay, yeah, that's interesting. What are the other ones? And what else?

Procreation, wait, hold on, guys, do you not know, you guys don't know this stuff. Come on, we know. You're tricking me and giving you the talk. No, no. If we're tricking you, why don't you keep. Come on, we know. We're tricking me and giving you the talk. No, no. If we're tricking you, why don't you keep explaining it? Right, idiot. What goes where? Why don't you get into what goes where?

Well, a lot of things can go a lot of places. That's the thing. I mean, I could give you a simplistic view of it. Like you know. And when you say procreation, you mean like summoning a demon? In a way. Like a golem? In a way. Hey, guy, I'm so sorry. I don't want to get...

Look if you need to have this talk, I can get a book or something that I can just leave around the tavern. I need to have sex, Arnie. I need to have sex so bad I've forgotten how it's done. That's the issue. I know how that goes. Let's put a pin in this and that's a metaphor. But also, we'll get back to this. But I think, am I crazy? Yes. Does anyone else, you hear a little squeak? Yeah. Hey.

Hey, what's up big guy? Hey. Whoa! Climbing up the stool, sitting on my stool. Look everyone. This squirrel looks very familiar. I've seen this squirrel somewhere before. I have a name.

Oh. It's Fluff the Squirrel. Fluff the Squirrel? How the fuck did you know that? What? Whoa. Well, we've met before. I, Fluff we-

Does not ring a bell. Okay. Don't stab him, don't stab him. He's got a little knife to his neck. Don't stab him, please. Wait. That was also quite a one-two punch-up. I have a name and then being pissed off

that we know the name. I didn't like that you knew it. I wanted you to ask. Oh, sorry, Fred. What's your name? Seems condescending now, but I'll play ball. Fluff the squirrel. Sorry I came in a little hot.

I've been kind of on edge with the animal war. Yeah, animal wars. Yeah, the animal war. We were just talking about that. The land versus the sky versus the water sea. Well it seems like you would be pretty clearly on the side of the land animals. I don't want to be presumptuous. I don't like to get too political.

Sure. So you know as a squirrel we worship the sea but are scared of it and we worship the sun and the moon and so you know sky versus land versus sea it's a complicated for for all fluffers. That is tough yeah you're your god you worship things in the sky. I've wanted to fight God for a long time but this just feels it just is confusing. Honestly if I had to put my money on anyone in food to beat God it would be fluff the squirrel. Thank you Yeah, yeah, yeah, and we are just meeting for the first time and you're saying that uh, yeah, okay sure, okay?

Sure, I mean just to be clear We didn't once meet you around the holidays and you we discovered you had a lot of bones in your house And you kind of tried to kill us I do have a lot of bones in my house and try to kill a lot of people, but I don't know. You guys? Uh, doubt it. To be fair, it was around the holidays. You know, it's a tough time for everybody.

Yeah, it is a tough time. I was drunk when I didn't meet you. We didn't say what year. You didn't say what year. You didn't even say what holidays. I just didn't, I'm saying, gonna say yes. Blanket yes. Same.

Me too. I'll also just put a blanket. Yes out for that Sure, I'm a day Harbor day Arbor day and her and barber day. We're real nice jacket. So So do you prefer barber day or Babar day? Oh, that's a good question Depends on how long it's been since my last haircut. Yeah. Oh, do you watch do you watch that show on scrying? What is called barber Yeah. Oh, do you watch that show on scrying? What is it called? Barber rescue? Oh yeah.

Where it's like there's a big squirrel that'll go somewhere and he'll be like shave and a haircut for two bits? No, we're raising the prices. In this economy, I know. You know what? I can really, I can just sit down in front of the scrying pool and just sort of like let it kind of all wash over me.

Just like let it stream, kind of like, let it kind of all wash over me. Just like, let it stream, kind of like binge. Just watch back to back barber rescues. I'll get lost for hours. I'll watch a barber rescue I've seen before. It's the only way I can get to sleep. Sure. Oh yeah, the comfort. But then do you ever accidentally fall asleep in the liquid that you're scrying in?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wake up a few decades in the future I have to find my way back classic stuff sure So you it's you you you don't have a lot of trouble getting back in time if you need to oh It's a lot of trouble, but I know it okay. Well. That's great hurts. It hurts. It takes a lot out of me Yeah, yeah, yeah, so from our perspective. It's been about three or four years since we've seen you Yeah, so from our perspective it's been about three or four years since we've seen you From your perspective how many years has it been since since we saw you again not recognizing yet at all

But I think the last time I tried to kill someone around the holidays about 37 years cool. Oh Yeah, this is tough cuz also we don't know what squirrel ears are they just show me do Arnie What are are you talking about? I don't know, like what's a squirrel ear? Okay, wow. Wow. Okay. Okay. It's like a year. Oh.

Just a year. I mean, why would squirrels have an entirely different calendar? Do squirrels on Earth have a different calendar system? Well, dogs do. If you had another friend named Fluff, would you call me Squirrel Fluff? No, you could both just be Fluff or you would call me like Hot Fluff. Oh. Hot, you would be Hot Fluff?

Well, unless you got a real smoke show of a friend named Fluff, yeah. I mean, I feel like I had a Fluff. I feel like I'm kinda solid. For a squirrel, solid 8.5. Look, I'm not gonna, look, you look great. I'm not gonna say you don't. Thank you. But if I had a friend named Fluff,

they would be at least as hot as you. I have a certain standard in my friends. Oh, wow. Wow. Fluff, if I may, you are a, I'm gonna say you're an ocean six, a forest 10, and a sky nine. I would say he's an ocean's 11. Really? Okay.

Thank you. The sexiest creature in the whole sea. Or an octopus and another octopus that got in a bad accident. Or a small school of fish. So what you're saying is... Or... Oh, yeah. You know? Don't cut him off.

One row of shark's teeth. Hmm. That's all. That's all. No, that's all. Okay. Okay. So you haven't picked a side yet because

you're torn. You are of course of the land. But you admire the sky and the sun and the moon there. You fear the water but you covet it. Yeah. I don't want any shit with the sea. No. Yeah. No. I mean they really started it to be fair. Kind of all their

ancient deep sea creatures are sick of our shit And then we we unfortunately dropped a couple moles in there that might have been a catalyst. Oh boy Yeah, so it might be on us. I'm not Look, there's never a good side to anyone like there's never a fully innocent side to any war Wow, you know I try not to take sides. I think they're all good. Yes. You're wearing a button. That's um both brown Blue and white yeah, I just think those kind of neutral basics go well together Yeah, a lot of animals are wearing which is one of them, but also I think yeah, I think all this I should win

Well, that's a very interesting point, I think all the sides should win. Huh. Well, that's a very interesting point of view because all the sides can win. That's right. If they choose to come together. Oh no. And decide what is mute, no? I mean, yeah, that's one way, sure. Yeah, that's kind of some Star Trek bullshit,

but yeah, what? But they could also all destroy each other. And I'd be for that too. Okay. So you want like an across the board animal apocalypse where like all the sides decimate all the other sides. Yeah. That's, I haven't used the words animal apocalypse

but now that you say it, that's what I'm picturing. I kind of imagine that would be a huge bone get for you. Yeah. Big bone get. You know, in my apartment under the tree, big hole that I dug out. Oh yeah. A lot of bone furniture.

Mm-hmm. Bone furniture. This would be big. Business would be booming and business is bones. What's funny, cause we had a bone mage on a few weeks ago. Bone mage, bone mage. Who just seems to also collect bones. What's funny because we had a bone mage on a few weeks ago. Bone mage. Who just seems to also collect bones. I think you'd be great friends. I would love a friend. People keep talking about bones lately. Are we entering a bone age? Let's take a quick break.

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Chant, I was sure you were going to say silph back when you were saying the things about fluff. A squirrel had liked a French. Yes, exactly. What does that mean exactly? French kissing? Yeah. You've never heard of French kissing? Well, I've look on my world.

There's something called French kissing and I definitely know how it works. Here it means when you kiss and then you take a break from kissing for the whole summer Yeah, Ernie French is a combination of frosty and wench and a lot of frosty wenches You know, they like to play little games or a little standoffish So they'll kiss you and then Teehee Teehee back away like give a little wave and then they'll disappear for a year see in autumn Mm-hmm, then hard to French Or French to get

That's why I don't like putting French dressing on my salad because you put a little bit on and then like a year later You get to eat the salad. Yeah, and Arnie French dressing. So frosty wenches. They'll wear like a frock Use like a leather boots, maybe a corset. Sort of a feathery. You're getting a dreamy look in your eyes. You're describing what these wenches are wearing. I'm just so hungry for sex. Is that a thing you can do, Oni?

Be hungry for it? Not to the point the wizards think you can, but sure. Okay. I'm sorry. These two, they either don't know or have forgotten how sex works. Well, that's unlike me don't know or have forgotten how sex works Hey, well, that's unlike me because I know a lot about how sex works and I don't even need anyone to tell me how it works Okay I get it

Fluff gets it. Got a little shirt on that says sure likes the bone I mean you you are a very hot squirrel as we've already established Thank you. I assume your dating life is pretty active and you are Oh very hot squirrel, as we've already established. Thank you. I assume your dating life is pretty active and you are... Oh yeah. Is anyone you're seeing regularly now?

I see a lot of folks regularly. Okay, okay. Play in the field, that's fine, that's fine. Love the field, play in the field, play in the trees, play in the mountains. Oh, wow, and the mountains. Alright. Play in the flute. Mm-hmm. And the mountains. All right. Playing the flute. Mm-hmm. Plays it all, fluff.

Gets it. What's better for dating, the field, the trees, or the mountains? Again, I don't like to get too political. It's all good when you got this kind of six pack. I got a little six pack of- Yeah, that's where it says beers. I brought my own to the tavern. I brought my little beers. I six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack of six pack Would you like a mug of ale? Yeah, give me a give me a big person-sized mug of ale It's been I mean you could get all the way inside this thing and I might at the end of the night

Oh, yeah, right buy me dinner first Way back through the wall again, where's he getting those beers from? I don't know. He's going through the wall The bar is literally right over there. I don't know why he's going through the wall I know where he's getting the beer if we're just bringing in outside beers. I could just drink the outside beers I have already. Well, he is and he isn't see maybe three years ago you sit or he was kicking rocks and This rock genie came out and he said I will allow for each of your fingers to dispense a one liquid And so you sir got to pick what liquid came out of each of his fingers and he chose

He chose ale for all ten which I think is pretty Yeah, is real Wow leaving money on the table not having a pinky full eggnog Okay Enjoy drink them up Didn't taste a finger at all Chunt what did you tell my secrets? No? Yes, sorry, but wait is this one of those kind of genie wishes where if enough people know about it it goes away I don't think that's a thing. Yeah, I've never heard of that

Hold on now try all 10 of your fingers see if they still work. Yeah, okay Maybe because I found out when your fingers doesn't work anymore That one's good well you seem fine to me I mean yeah you're right aren't you saying wasn't a thing yeah and you sir do you um how do I phrase this do you clean the taps oh you gotta clean the taps oh yeah, he just ran to the top and used it as a hat. Hahahaha. That's a high fluff, I call that. You just run up on someone's hat, you do a little jig. Arnie, we just met someone else who announces how they sit.

He ran up inside on top and he sat up top, okay. Back down, on the stool. Whoa, there we go. Criss cross applesauce, back two legs, front two legs, drumming on the bar. Fluff, Chunt is in a similar predicament as you. As a shapeshifter, he has no particular allegiance to any one group of animals.

He could be a flying animal one day, a burrowing animal the next, and then a slippery swimming eel the next. So you two have a lot in common, actually. I imagine you're both quite flummoxed by the turn of events that have come around here. So, so, um... You can just stop.

Oh, OK. Yeah, it's been it's been pretty difficult because, Fluff, I don't know about you, but I've been getting a lot of Correspondence as of late and everyone's sort of vying for me to join their side and it's been pretty tough I us shapeshifters are in a tough tight spot. How about how about you? Oh, yeah People are always inviting me to things to people are always like fluff want you to come to my party So come to the mountains, have sex in me.

It's so, yeah. Wait, hold on. Come to the mountains, have sex in me? Should be reversed, right? Yeah, it's like a common note, like a common regular note that you'd find in the mail to fear like a hot squirrel, cool, that people like. Yeah, do you have any of those invites on you?

Uh, you know, I left my mail at home. Oh, that's pretty normal. I think that's okay. Yeah, okay. We'll let you go on that one. You should, no, I'm sorry. Usually I open my mail at the bar because I like everybody to see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Huh. I'll be like, mm-hmm, Bill. That's when my friend Bill sends me a letter. Yeah. Yeah. Asking for money monthly. Mm-hmm. What a bum. That guy has bill sends me a letter. Yeah, yeah asking for money monthly That guy has gotta get a job I Mean, I guess he does have a job providing me electricity

That's nice of him. Yes keeps it helps the mood and then also you're talking about electricity bill I know a bill who's made of water I call him so I call him handsome bill cuz I have another friend Bill and I don't build it bill who does electricity doesn't like to be defined by his work Okay, well that makes sense now hold on he prefers to be defined by how handsome he is as we all do I'm sorry. I'm sorry here. I have to interject I've been providing power to Arnie's laptop for low nearly a decade by casting the spell Minuscule Lightning! But now am I to understand that this bill is collecting money for this service? Should I be charging Arnie money for this?

Well when a bill charges you it's like yeah that makes sense. Would a usador charging you? That seems a little weird. Plus you gotta send him a letter like every month. Mm-hmm. That seems like a lot of work. Lotta work. Lotta work. Alright, you're off the hook, Arnie.

Oh, thank god. Arnie, speaking of, it's time to pay the gas bill. Oop, sorry about that. That was actually mean. Ugh. Sorry, time to pay the gas fluff. Ugh, that is a hot bill. Whoa.

It happens when I drink beer. Especially a person-sized beer. Yeah, how's that big beer? Oh, mostly gone. I'm thinking about getting inside it while they're still a little bit sloshing. Little hot tub. Oh, speaking of all these bills, youssef, I forgot to tell you, I was out hiking the other day and I got you a schoolhouse rock. I know how much you love rocks. I love rocks.

This one does look like a schoolhouse. It seems very educational. Oh! I didn't know you're such a Such a fan of rock. Oh, I love I love rocks and I love birds and I love squirrels. Thank you Did feel a little tacked on well No I famously was brought into this world by a conspiracy of birds and rain and wind and fire and Squirrels and rabbits and all sorts of creatures of the force who insisted that there be a champion to protect all of

food from the forces of evil. So you're you know you're on that list I'd say 83% of the time yeah. I was in the middle yeah safe place to be I felt very encircled. Like a warm blanket around you. Enveloped yeah. Enveloped. Yeah. Yeah, and fell up That's the word. Yeah, the thing you send money to bills in and that's right Envelope handsome bill up tall bill. That's why I pay for my water. No tall bill Mm-hmm, and then weird bill. That's why I pay for the gas Yeah, weird bill. He and I aren't that close. So I call him Weird Bill. Yeah. He's weird. Do you know Duck Bill?

Oh, yeah, the platypus? Yeah. He's the weirdest one. He's weirder than Weird Bill in my opinion. He is a stone-cold freak, I'll tell you what. I'd say he's like, for a platypus, I'd say he's like a six. He's not particularly hot platypus. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's fun though. You ever get him drunk, watch him lay an egg. Yeah, I have done that Command it's insane. Also, I was saying how bad shapeshifters have it. Oh platypuses. They got it rough during the animal war They're doing all their shapes at once. Yeah freaky. Oh freaky freaky. Who are they fighting for? Can they fly? Yeah, are they is it is it a sea or land thing or is the sky involved in that mix? Oh, wow Ernie all three when you throw a platypus

Technically they are flying for a little bit. Yeah, we all knew that platypuses could fly right? Yeah Well if you throw them, yeah, yeah, that's true. I You know what just occurred to me with this war and so many Disenfranchised animals who can't pick a side who don't want to pick a side And then of course other animals that are being hurt or worse killed and The families they leave behind we should start an animal orphanage. Oh Arnie I want you to open an animal orphanage here in the town. Why me in the arms of

an angel. Your contributions could make all the difference in the world for these special little animals, who don't have anywhere to go. Look at this one, standing out in the cold as the rain comes down behind a fence. So cold! Aw, poor guy. Arnie, don't you want to contribute today to make sure that this animal has a future? I'm not gonna give him money just because this squirrel is pouring beer on his head. Oni, what the fuck?

Come on! Have a heart! You think I'd pour this beer on my head for nothing? This sucks. Look how poor he is. Look how poor the beer is. I really thought that was gonna work. Fluff, just, can I cut the shit a little bit? How are you doing okay? You seem, last time we saw you, you know, you hadn't heard from your grandchildren in a long time. You seemed kind of lonely. You're out and about now, so that's good. I guess I just wanted to check in.

How are you doing? How's Fluff doing? Yeah. No one ever asks how Fluff's doing. Normally people are like, Fluff, get off my mountaintop or Yeah. Fluff, go back to your- Stop coming inside my mountain.

Yeah. Yeah. They get that a lot. Uh, Fluff, go back to that hole you dug under the tree. That really undermines the structural integrity of the tree. Yeah. Um, it's been rough. I mean, the animal war has been one thing.

I heard they were gonna cancel blue bloods from the scrying pool. That's about- Oh no! Are you serious? Yeah, it's about a bunch of reptiles with blue blood and- Oh, just when they sit on the hot rocks, it is so- It's soothing. Yeah.

I don't- look, see see I don't watch that BS What do you do you read scrolls? I do read scrolls But I find me and I scry look I'm not saying I don't own a scrying pool I do but I'm just saying I'm a little more choose. I I prefer prestige scrying Okay, like what are they usually limited series like so it's the dog on forever for like nine years or something like that That's ridiculous. Like I like a you know, good six installments of a scry and then maybe if it's great They'll bring it back in an anthology way. All right. What's the best thing you've seen at a scrying pool then convince us. Mmm Ripley it's where the the scrying just kind of ripples on the top.

There's just something about it. Oh, I believe it. I believe it not. You wait. Oh, believe it. Hold on. Ripley? Or you don't believe it?

No, I believe not Ripley. You think I don't believe. Okay. Ripley is that good. Over. That's your right. Fluff. That's your right.

Arnie, you're telling me about something else you're watching. It was called Hilt and catch fire. The guy put his sword away and caught on fire Yeah, how does that stretch for six seasons? I gotta be honest it does it starts just okay, but once he catches fire It's great. I thought you were just watching reruns of dream on you saw it. That's just between Don't want people knowing that I'm watching dream on For the boobs to be clear for the boobs. We knew The sex boobs the sex boobs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so hungry write that down This it's just been a bad time for a fluff. Oh, yeah Is there anything that we could do to help and they kind of is there something you need to kind of?

Get you going? Oh, maybe we can keep on it like that. No, that was perfect. I do need something to get me going. I know when I'm bummed, what helps is like trashy scrying. So like if we could watch like Coitus Peninsula or like just something really, like just really trashy. I've been pitching a scry called Splash Mountain. No? Okay. Okay. No, okay. It's nice. Adjacent to your interests.

Kind of coming coming in. We have an easel. We've been sort of pitching some stuff about the Wizard War. Do you want to share your pitch about Splash Mountain? I would love that. Oh, why don't we take a quick break and then we'll just get into these pitches. Let's go back to Salem, Massachusetts in the late 1600s. Things are not going well, to say the least.

What started as a few stressed-out colonial tweens messing around became a conspiracy of religious paranoia with townsfolk turning on each other quicker than Kendrick and Drake. I'm Misha Brown, the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each week, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time. We recently explored one of history's biggest flops, going all the way back to the original witch hunt, the Salem Witch Trials. The co-hosts of And That's Why We Drink, Em Schultz and Christine Schieffer joined me to hex the patriarchy and point the finger at the Salem witch trials. Follow the big flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Go deeper and get more to the story with Wondery's top history podcasts including American Scandal, Legacy and Black History. For real. For more than two centuries, the White House has been the stage for some of the most dramatic scenes in American history. history, for real. and shocking scandals that have shaped our nation. You'll be there when the very foundations of the White House are laid in 1792, and you'll watch as the British burn it down in 1814. Then you'll hear the intimate conversations between FDR and Winston Churchill as they make plans to defeat Nazi forces in 1941. And you'll be in the Situation Room when President Barack Obama approves the raid to bring down the most infamous terrorist in American history Order the hidden history of the White House now in hardcover or digital edition wherever you get your books All right before you start your pitch do you need any water or anything? I mean, yeah, it's called splash Mountain

Oh shit. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's gonna need water and a mouth actually you store Would you mind magic King fluff like a like a suit so that we take more seriously? Oh sure Fluff would you mind? Were you not taking me seriously before? No, it's just no I am It's just you had a t-shirt on that said I like the bone, but yeah, it's a serious t-shirt that conveys a serious opinion I it's pretty serious when you consider the fact that Fluff's probably a serial killer that uh, Yeah. has a lot of bones. Ooh, a skull just fell out of his pant legs, which is weird because his pants are skin tight.

That's right. You'd- you'd think you would notice if I got a bone in there. Hehehehe. ELETRON CARD FALA FALA FALA FALA FALA HA! Ooooooooh. That's a nice suit. That's a hot squirrel. Look at that hot fluff. Thank you. Oh fuck. His furs all slicked back? Mm-hmm. Not a lot of people can pull off a green suit, but you're doing it. I feel like Gordon Gekko, the famous business lizard. I love that Gekko. Oh, yeah, yeah, I hate him.

Oh. He's always undermining me for deals. Well, I didn't know that. Now I hate him too. Thank you. You're welcome. You guys are my best Only friends. Oh good good. Arnie should wear his friends. That means he won't kill us for our boats. Okay We'd love to see this picture. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay where the land meets the sky and the sea Falls from the sky and fluffier behind the easel. Do you want to know?

just Look at my legs part of it. Yeah, this is part of it. Thank you. It's part of the mountain I see I'm so sorry fluff. Do you want to start back at the beginning since we interrupted you? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, don't be dumb. I'll tell you what I'm word perfect on this thing. So it's gonna be exactly the same Where the land is the sea and the sky cries like rain Splash Mountain It's wet. It's sensuous

It's where it's where that action is. Pouring glass of water overhead. Perch in on the top of the easel, letting the water trickle down the easel. He is getting our easel wet, but we'll let that pass. Oh, like you can't towel off an easel. That was it. Oh, okay.

I wanted it, like it's for a scrying series But I wanted to have kind of the mystique of like a perfume commercial. I thought it was terrific I thought it was really powerful and I think you should be really proud of what you've brought here today Quick quick note if you're open to it. I am NOT but go on. Okay Would you consider adding any characters or storyline? Hard no, okay I am not, but go on. Okay, would you consider adding any characters or storyline? Hard no. Hard no? Okay. Yeah, it's called Splash Mountain, not Splash People.

Fair enough. It's about, it's the drama of river versus mountain. And I'll tell you what, I know whenever you pitch one of these scribes, people wanna know where are you in season 18 season 42 by the time we hit season 16 million Canyon yeah Interesting I love that here's the thing if you're open to notes

I'm not but I would love to hear yours that pitch was perfect 10 out of 10 great Truly flawless would you consider a moist hill? Do we need a splash mountain? That's interesting days Psychest now I'm trying to hear the note behind the note here And what I'm hearing is that you like the moisture Yeah, the mountain you feel might be too big to be relatable I think a lot of people what they want to see in their skies is something aspirational. So I'm only as big as a squirrel. I'm maybe like a pretty big squirrel but I wish like when I look at a mountain I'm like

I'm gonna be that guy. Look, Fluff, I love it. I love everything about it. I don't want to change anything about it. But have you considered dry plane? Okay, first of all, I love the way you didn't ask if I wanted to hear a note, you just shot from the hip. Better to ask forgiveness. And I do not forgive you, but I like dry plane. I think there's something to a total lack of moisture that's almost the wettest thing you can have. Yeah, okay. Interesting.

Or like dry hole. Mm. You lost it. We'll edit that out. No, no, no, no, no, I'm into it. Now Fluff, I definitely heard during your pitch, and I am not word perfect, so forgive me if I box this. That's all right.

I think you said where the land meets the sea, where the air hits the land. Sounds like me. Sounds like you've really covered all three sort of factions of the current war. I told you I don't like to get political. Sure, sure, of course. It is kind of a three quadrant thing then, you know.

It is. I think sea, sky, land, right? Mountains, water, air, we're hitting all three quadrants. Now, instead of a splash mountain, what if we had like a princess, maybe a princess from the south, and she's fun and we all like her,

maybe we get some amphibians in the mix, because amphibians both live on land and the water. Could that replace a splash mountain? If you're open to it. Yeah, I think we could get some amphibians. Now, are there any amphibians that fly? Because again, we want to hit all three quadrants. Um, I think there's a frog that's like, whoosh, you know, they make themselves real flat and big and they throw.

Oh yeah, they throw land, so you would imagine their problem is. If you throw them, they fly. Okay. Nutes, when you throw them, they fly. Salamanders, when you throw them, they fly. Toads and frogs, when you throw them, fly salamanders when you throw them they fly toads and frogs when you throw them They fly. Okay, what about sky sharks? Can't throw a sky shark. That's You have to wrestle them out of the air into the water. Yeah, that's what I call them sky sharks

Yeah, and they gotta keep flying or else they die and then they fall right the fuck to earth You have to imagine and this might be part of the war you have to imagine that sky sharks are a little angry at sharks. Because they're not water sharks. Yeah, and they're not street sharks. Why did we get named after, yeah, like why do street sharks probably feel the same way? Why did they get the extra adjective? Right, you'd think water sharks would be cool sharks, sky sharks would be hot sharks. Right.

And street sharks would have like, I don't know, cut off jeans? Yeah. You gotta. That's, yeah, that's how they, that's how you know they're tough. Cut offs. Nothing says tough like cut offs. Yeah. You gotta, you cut off your own shorts. Yeah. That's tough.

I don't care. That's, you know, I don't care about anything. I don't, I don't care if I live or die. I don't care if I got shorts or pants on. The skill it takes to use a blade while wearing pants and cut them into shorts and not nick an artery? Yeah.

Come on. And to have no forethought about it's going to be cold again later and that you can't reverse this process, you can't turn the shorts into pants. In squirrely ears, as I call them years, I don't like to think about cold once it gets hot. I just wear my cutoffs and let the chips fall. The sky chips, let them fall to land. You know how I intimidate people?

I pull up my cutoffs real tight and I go, wanna know how I got these shorts? Huh. And what if they say yes? Well then I tell them. A knife. Or scissors. You just gotta be careful. You're pulling those shorts up pretty high.

We can see your nuts. Yeah, you seem crazy. We can understand. Oh no, are they falling out of my pockets when I pull the shorts up? Yeah, you're dropping nuts everywhere. Oh boy. And again, we know you have a pretty firm no outside food and drink policy. Exactly, exactly.

Sorry about that. Also, why didn't you turn those suit pants into shorts? You must have done that pretty good. Oh yeah, I love a cutoff suit because it's like business up top, beach party on the shins. At least roll up your sleeves so we know you're fun. Like full suit on top, cutoff suit on the bottom. Well it's perfect for a room call, you know, if you're on a gym sort of call with someone you just-

They're none the wiser. None the wiser, exactly, exactly. I'm still thinking about street sharks. Arnie. Have you met none the wiser? No, she's a sister of the cloth and she is the most learned sister in all the land Hmm and see you call her the wiser because that's the term of respect and an appreciation So now none the wiser is she related is she the one with the brother bud Yes, but wiser sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You're not supposed to speak his name in all three segments at once So let me break it wise What was we fired up?

bud wise Come on guys One more time if we do that one more time he will appear I've never said anyone's name more than two times hold on let me let me test it out. I'm pretty sure Arnie Arnie Arnie Yeah, what oh shit look I'm here. Yeah. Yeah, it does work. Okay fluff kick us off guys. Don't fuck this up bud or ball shunt butterball Okay, uh, Fluff, kick us off, guys, don't fuck this up. Bud. Er. Ugh. Ball.

Shunt. Butterball. Oh, there he is! Huh. Hey, guys. Hey. Oh, sorry dude, we didn't mean to summon you. Yeah.

That's alright. I gotta go. We're trying to get out of here. Get out of here. It's a different thing. See why I didn't want to summon him? It's so awkward. Yeah.

Fine, I'll go. You said get out of here. No, no, no, I was talking to, uh, to... Butterball? Yeah, I don't want to say his name again, just in case. People usually are saying that to me, so I just leave when I hear it, just in case. No, no, no, no. We're glad to have you here today, Fluff. Thank you. I'm glad to be here.

Oh, thank you. And Fluff, I'm excited about Splash Mountain, although I keep hearing so much stuff about Centaur House, which is just a house where a bunch of centaurs compete to see who can stay in the house the longest. I just like the kind of programming. It sounds good. I mean, I think it's just,

what we want is just something watchable that people like to scry, right? People come home after a long day of harvesting or blacksmithery or wizard craft, and they don't wanna think too hard. They just wanna watch a river over the course of eons turn a mountain to dust through erosion. Sounds like the perfect sort of escapism to me.

That's right, it's exactly the kind of place that you would escape to after you killed a whole family of squirrels and made furniture from their bones. Hmm. What was that? Yeah, what was that last part? Oh, um, Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.

Exactly the kind of place you would want to escape to after you've murdered a family of squirrels and made furniture from their bones. Oh, huh. Didn't expect him to clear his throat and enunciate it even clearer. Got him, constables. Lock him up. We got him. We got him. This hasated even clear. Got him constables lock him up. We got him. We got him. This has been a sting. Oh scorpion cops? Yeah the scorpion cops are here. Oh boy this is tough because I just wanted you to think I was cool. That's why I wanted you to call me cool fluff or hot fluff.

Well I've been watching a really exciting thing on the scrying pool called the Jinx. So this was our whole plan to get you the entire time. You know, it's on me that I was saying this into the microphone during your podcast. Yeah. Can I take off this wire? It is really wrapping itself around my neck. Yeah. I don't understand why I had to wear it, but it is so tight.

Yeah, we're recording it anyway. it's not connected to anything yeah well fluff I'm sorry you know we over in the nine years we've had many murderers like almost the the vast majority of our guests have murdered at least someone that's mostly let them slide but we decided with you we were gonna operate a sting. Well fair's fair You got old fluff My it's been in many ways. It feels good to not have to run anymore Fluffs been running for so long from the mountains to the prairies

to the oceans white with foam, not to get too political. And finally, I can rest these weary bones. Oh, your bones are the bones of your victims? Bones of my victims. I don't have to sit on them anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. My bones pretty spry.

I do a lot of pilates. For your bones? Yeah. Now, is that- You should see how flexible these bones get That's not good Now is that a shortening of a pile of lot of these? Yeah, it's like kind of squirrel slang for like a shit ton

Yeah I do a lot of these Yeah, I do a lot of these back bends and breakdance and hip hop classes Yeah Well Fluff, before these scorpions drag you off to prison, do you mind if we read- How he can walk. Do you mind if we read an email?

Do you wanna be part of this? Scorpions, is it all right if he's here for the email portion of the show? I know my rights and I have the right to read an email before you walk me humanely to prison. All right, so you can email us at magictavern at puppies.supplies is a real email address and I will also join our patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us then I won't. That's why we're sending you to prison.

I feel like a real street mark. You guys here's a recent email we got. I appreciate your recent episode with Reba McIntyger, but needed to address a couple of things that you got wrong. Oh, the corrections are always great. Number one, you dismissed the idea that a turtle could be related to a bird, but did not consider that they might be related by marriage. Damn it.

I appreciate there was no malice in your comments, but it's important to remember that found family is still family. Oh, the doctor's the boy's mother. Well, it's an the boy's mother. Well, it's an excellent point well made. I can't deny it. Uh, I don't, uh, I suppose we are being a little thoughtless in that one particular way. Why don't know why it didn't occur to us of all people that a bird could be married to a turtle. Yeah, of course.

I'm not in these times. I'll tell you that. Oh, Fluff, you're not. No, I'm not against it. It's just like, of course. I'm not in these times. I'll tell you that. Oh fluff. You're not I'm not against it It's just like wow, I've been Thanksgiving yikes. Yeah, whose eggs are whose? Yep. That's right. And I mean by Thanksgiving I mean the festival we thank the sky for the land and you think the land for the ocean you think the ocean for the Sky Thanksgiving is gonna get weird this year It's gonna be freaky. The email continues We had they corrected us on more things. Oh, oh good number two. That's an email after my own heart

Number two there was a moment where Chunt described a snake as poisonous not being from food I may be misinterpreting things. Arnie is this gonna be snakes or venomous? Yes, because that's something they go on about it for a long long time I bet something you told us before and I assure you in food snakes are poisonous That's I mean, that's like the little rhyme the little jingle I was taught when I was in squirrel school Oh that snake is oh And then they do the sound of a rattlesnake. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.

Ha ha ha. That's a rattlesnake. That's the poison. Yeah, that's how you know. If I were you, I'd take precaution. And that was Shell, Biv, Devo, the turtle. That's right. There's two bird wives.

Yeah, they were a singing trio. They were all married. To birds. They were all married to birds. Someone correct me on that. Someone correct me on Shell, Biv, Devo singing that song. No, you got it. That was right. Well Scott from Chicago If you have more corrections, please send them to us at magic tavern at puppies that supplies or Preferably join the patreon and send us something there or just flush them down the toilet or don't don't cry or don't correct us

We're fine. Either way. We don't care It is funny in a magical world where anything and everything has and will happened Did we get corrections? Yeah. Yeah speaking of corrections. Have any corrections for a correction? You'll never take me alive coppers Where did it go? You bit the head off that scorpion. I bit the head off that scorpion! And I'm running to freedom!

Now I saw him, now I didn't. Where- he took off those cuffs so fast! They don't tighten them far enough for a squirrel! I can still hear him, but I can't see him. I'm behind the easel! No, he- Oh, there's his legs again. Yeah, okay. He's not really... He's not really actively trying to escape.

He's just standing behind the easel. In his defense, the scorpions seem confused and can't find him. So I'm gonna call this Freedom is 9 tenths of the law. Fluff, I think you've been acquitted of all charges. Woo! Always indicted, never convicted. Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee He may have shaken off those charges, but he'll never shake off the charge of being adorable.

Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Fluff the Squirrel was played by special guest and human cardigan Josh Gondelman. Check out Josh's free weekly newsletter full of pep talks called That's Marvelous at joshgondelman.substack.com. It's also the best place to see updates about his tour schedule. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Joseph Whalen, Teresa Bagavatula, Kynan, Lauren B,

Tomahawk Eastridge, Dominic Ray Guglielmo, that may not be the correct pronunciation but it is a fun one, Draena, Patrick Joint, Joe Cabrera, Karabu Kai, and Elizabeth Boxel.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode where... Oh, quality arrives after so many years. An episode where I answer questions sent in by patrons. Here's a treasure. Uh, I mean clip. Cam Rose. Hmm.

Since it's obvious you know a great deal about the secrets of the universe, my question is, what's the best cheese to use in a grilled cheese sandwich? Another cheese question. And does soup always have to accompany it? Thanks, N-NASA! Now the question's from Cam Rose, but I'm not sure if Cam is speaking on behalf of NASA. NASA's always trying to get into my business, to be honest, and this is a little transparent if this is NASA.

I'm surprised you would waste this opportunity to ask a sandwich question, but then there's no predicting them. I'll simply take it seriously, which I find is the best revenge. I prefer a combination of cheddar and Swiss. It keeps the palate guessing. Um, does soup have to accompany it? No, soup doesn't always have to accompany it, if you're not interested in excellence. Thank you, Cam, or NASA. What's your favorite Elton John song?

To hear the rest, and you'll want to hear the rest, and to learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate Producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Anna Haverman, and as it happens, Anna would like you to know

about Wanderlust, a steampunk fantasy D&D adventure set on the frozen island of wonder, with full immersive sound design from our very own Anna Haverman and a custom score by Lewis Humanoid. Find the first two episodes now on the Just Roll With It YouTube channel or by searching WunderlustJRWI on your favorite podcast catcher. This was Anna's very first plug and it warms my heart to know that I nailed it. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. I'm Dan Tuberski.

In 2011, something strange began to happen at the high school in Leroy, New York. I was like at my locker and she came up to me and she was like stuttering super bad. I'm like, stop f***ing around. She's like, I can't. A mystery illness, bizarre symptoms and spreading fast. It's like doubling and tripling and it's all these girls.

With a diagnosis the state tried to keep on the down low. Everybody thought I was holding something back. Well, you were holding something back. And tension, I. Yeah, yeah, well, yeah. No, it's hysteria. It's all in your head. It's not physical. You're, oh my gosh, you're exaggerating.

Is this the largest mass hysteria since The Witches of Salem? Or is it something else entirely? Something's wrong here. Something's not right. Leeroy was the new dateline and everyone was trying to solve the murder. A new limited series from Wondery and Pineapple Street Studios. Hysterical. Follow Hysterical on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can binge all episodes of Hysterical early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus.