Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 21 - Lady of the Garden (w/ Caitlin Barlow)

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

Tabitha Parsley is on the run for trying to help women with vegetables.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiTabitha Parsley: Caitlin BarlowMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you're looking for a new football podcast to keep up with the latest action from the NFL and college football this season, tune into the Offensive Line, hosted by yours truly, Annie Agar. We talk more than your fantasy group chat, so buckle up and join me for a good laugh all season long. Watch the Offensive Line on YouTube and listen on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. The podcast, How I Built This, gives you a front row seat to how the biggest companies

were built, and the innovators, entrepreneurs, and dreamers behind them. In a new episode series called Advice Line, we're helping listeners solve their own business challenges in real time. Listen to How I Built This early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And if you're running some sort of speaker or headphone cleansing program that requires you to run sound through it for about 40 minutes while you go and do something else to better yourself, you've come to the right place. This production will bombard your helpless sound system with mindless chatter, leaving

your circuitry clean and bored. I'm told there are those who actually sit and listen to this. I'm also told there was a giant moth creature that terrorized West Virginia for about a year, to which I say, I have alibis for all of those dates. Whichever category you're in, I'm left with no choice but to say, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before this is everything you need to know Nine years ago. I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in chicago into the magical fantastical land of fun Luckily still getting a wi-fi signal through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost In the magical land of fun, and i'm joined as always by my co-host Chunt the talking banjo I Oh, whoops. Oh, oh, you sit on I thought we were switching up the order Arnie this is gonna get confusing use it or and I decided sorry Chuck and I decided to switch names for a day Chuck oh it yes. I am well and I am Chunt, the greatest shapeshifter who has ever lived.

Oh, there is no form which I cannot take, for the goddesses demanded that I be an animal. There can be any animal he doth wish. Yeah, that kind of about covers the Chunt portion of the intro, I think. Oh, Bing Bong. Oh, Bing Bong. Yes, Bing Bong to you as well, sir. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Ysidor the Wizard. Mmm, blue robes.

Hoobstank. Wizard... Wizard Staff. Slime time. Slime time? I don't know. So wait, did you guys trade names or trade personalities? Or both? I guess it's just new names, but it's weird to have a name like Ysidor and not be wizardly, I guess? And not reference like wizardly things

Mm-hmm. Yeah, suddenly if you're used to do it, you're gonna yell things like slime time. It's one of my go-to's You saw what percentage of your personality is your name? I think I know the answer to this. Oh Percentage my person is my name. Um 100 p yeah. Yeah guys says look, you know me. I'm totally game Um, what percentage of my persona is my name? Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh the bar and punched Arnie and he rolled so many times. I rolled so many times with the punches. See, I yes-handed that whole premise right there. But isn't it gonna be confusing? For who? For everybody.

Right, Chunt? Right, Ysidor? Yeah. Yeah. No, that's fair. Chunt, do you mind destroying the spell that? Sure, I can undo the spell that switched Arnie's. Wait, there was a spell backing this up Because I'm don't think you guys were a hundred percent consistent I think it was perfect, but

Can you for me we see why I wouldn't I probably also have to do the spell yes You should because legally I'm used to door right now do the exact same spell The issue says so what does that the ha nailed it whoo Because legally I'm Usador right now. Do the exact same spell. De-li-sus-a-wata-sat-a-ha! Nailed it. Woo! Oh yeah, I'm, ah, call me Chunt, Arnie. Uh, Chunt? Yep, that's, yeah, that's me, haha.

Usador? I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ophesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the great halls of Tarrakas, the elves know me as Feangalic, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Hookstengis, and I am known throughout the North-East as Gasmanius Maester, and there may be other secret names. Names that if oh you did err to let them cross your lips, most assuredly your eyebrows would grow into your hairline and your forehead would disappear. Previously known as Chunt.

Arnie, would you believe with all the dicking around we're doing that there's two wars going on? Two wars, at least. Yeah. Uh-huh. And yet we just choose to just talk about names more. Well, it's a sad time, you know. Sometimes you need something to relieve that pressure of the terrible burden of the terrible things going on in the world Yeah, that's true Arnie

I should say you might if you leave the tavern you might see signs popping up all over the animal war Officially has a name. It's called Sal Sal Sal so it's see air land See air land Sal. Okay, Sal see air. it's cuz it's you know cuz it's the Sinatra's the way yeah, it's an acronym and you might also see some signs are saying yard sal And of course yard is an acronym that that is standing for That is standing for we all know yes Yes, all are determined

The in the arc stands for our yes all are determined. The R stands for R. Yes, all are determined. Sal. And it's because everyone sort of staunchly in their camps, land versus air versus sea. Yeah. So if you see the war going on, you better call Sal.

Yeah, I guess I hate to give that to you, but I guess I guess you're right. Don't love it. Yeah, I guess you're right. This conversation is breaking bad. Look, here's the thing. Stay with it. If you Don't love it. But yeah, I guess this conversation is breaking bad. Look here's the thing stay with it If you don't love better call Sal stay with it. It takes a little bit. You're gonna love it Okay, you're gonna love what I'm talking about. All right. Yeah, Arnie. How are you doing, buddy?

I feel like you know, no one ever asked you. How are you doing? Thank you for asking. I'm good. You know running the wander lost is a lot of work. It's hard to run a bed and breakfast that moves around all the time. People are very angry at me. Yeah, anyone that like tries to spend the night here is always very angry at me. They wake up someplace else. That's not what they intended. Yeah, that is not good. That is a real flaw in the business plan of this place. This cursed wandering tavern. Oh and the walls are so thin, Arnie. I can hear everyone.

Yeah. Fighting, eating, brushing their teeth. It's just, the walls are too thin. Yeah, and last week we hosted that masturbator convention. Excuse me, we did? We did, you didn't know? Arnie, are you sure about that? You just looking in a mirror?

Well, something was going on. Something was going on. Arnie, what's this first place badge you have on your chest? What is that? unrelated Unrelated MC huh yeah first place time I'm asking the wander lost Chunts, I Arnie's right. I heard them all night. They were up playing cards drinking Telling stories about masturbating some of their greatest highs and lowest lows

stories about masturbating, some of their greatest highs and lowest lows, the best places they've masturbated. They wouldn't stop talking about it. I was just like, guys, get a room and go masturbate. So I won't have to hear you talking about it. Oh, thank God a guest is coming downstairs. Over here. Do you want to have breakfast over here? Yes, yes, yes. Can you just hide me for like 30 seconds, please, while this person walks by? Can I just hide under one of you? Sure, sure, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Thank you so much. You three were the least threatening people in this bar. I really appreciate your help. Yeah, of course. Well, that's totally understandable.

We three are here, our forces for good. And you have known- Very unthreatening. Very unthreatening. Well, I mean, we're threatening to the forces of evil. If you were to do something evil, you'd see a whole new Usador. I'm Usador, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah. Well, evil is a relative term. Oh shit, that's his one weakness. Ambiguity. Ambiguity. Ambiguity always screws me up. I can't even say the word. Ambevalence. Yeah, it's both of our weaknesses,

saying the word ambiguity. Are you all philosophers? That was really deep. In a way. Get a few drinks at us and I guess we do start to talk too much. Um, well, we mostly just kind of run this bar and hang out. What do you do, friend? What's your name?

What do you do? Oh, you're not Barrett's, are you? The secret police of Herodon? Oh, you're not Barrett's, are you? The secret police of Herodon? Oh, no. We're, I mean, by law, if you ask secret police if they're secret police, they have to tell you, and we're not. We're not secret police. Oh.

Before I answer, let me take off my hat and go through all my badges. Okay. Let's see, I'm a sheriff for the miniature people of Waterfall. And let me take out my paintings here, my mini paintings, and go throw my badgers. I'm deputized in a hog's face, but that got destroyed. Long, how long ago was that, Arnie? Four years ago? At least. This is Doris, she's in this hall.

Oh, she's beautiful. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. I don't know why I'm saying thank you. I did nothing Yes, I'm not a member of the secret police. I think you're safe here Very well my name is Lady of the garden Tabitha Parsley. I'm on the run. I

practiced the dark arts of women's health care and I practice the dark arts of women's health care and have been banned from Herodon. And if I go back there, I will be burned at the stake. That's terrible. Why would they ask you not to perform such an act? It sounds like an act of kindness and consideration. No, to them it is a woman's duty to die from a number of gynecological problems. And I've spent many days in the garden learning of different herbs that can heal a woman and bring her back or, you know, give her a choice if there's certain things she doesn't want

for her life. And it was discovered that I was practicing these dark arts and so I had to flee and I'm trying to find a more accepting part of Boon. Of course, well you're welcome here obviously and if there's one thing we're not ambivalent about it's Ganolotic Capables. I'm also a speech pathologist if you ever need any consultation. Oh, yeah. Why do you say that? What do you mean?

What's, why do you say that? You know what, don't worry about it, but if it ever comes up. Yes, please, I need help. Please help me. So you said that you were from Herodon. Now we don't hear about Herodon much, but I vaguely remember that it's kind of a little conservative, right? It's a little, I don't know what the term you would use in Foon is.

Well, yes, about eight to 10 years ago, it was a little conservative and it was like, all right, I suppose if you're fiscally conservative, but let people live as they would like, I'm cool with that. But in the last eight years, things have changed dreadfully. with that, but in the last eight years things have changed dreadfully. Oh, maybe we should go on a quest to overthrow the king or to, I don't know, just get people the hell out of there. Well, a lot of people are crossing the border recently to get out. Oh, I bet they hate that inherited border crossing.

They do. There are certain tracking devices that they're putting in place to make sure that people, especially women, don't cross the border to, you know, make certain choices. Sure. Yeah, I can parse what you're saying, Tabith Parsley. I like what you did there.

I like you. You all are very, very, very kind. Very kind. So how did you, if you don You all are very, very kind. Very kind. So how did you, if you don't mind my asking, what led you to a life of being a lady of the garden? Well, I practiced something else that they didn't like in Harrington. I-

Obo? I read books. I- Oh, read books. Hobo? You said you had practiced something you didn't like, so I assumed obo, and I jumped in before you finished. I should have just, I should have just- Oh yeah. I should have listened. I'm so sorry. you didn't like, so I assumed hobo. And I jumped in before you finished. I should have just...

Oh yeah. I should have listened. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off. Tabitha, I also heard hobo. I was so confused. Guys, no hobo. I prefer the term unhoused.

Yeah. Well, I just was a curious girl and I liked to read and I didn't like the other things that I was supposed to be doing and I was actually banished to a garden. I had to live in a garden. I asked too many questions and they said, Tabitha, now you live in the garden. So I grew up in a garden amongst the different herbs and learned of their healing properties. Wow, Arnie, this is something so unbelievably rare and special. I mean,

you hear a lot of tales of kids being kicked out of the house and they're raised by wolves or raised by bears or something and they become feral. Almost never does someone get raised by a garden. Whoa, what a special gift that must be. Yeah. It was. Rosemary and thyme and parsley and sage were my mother's. That's lovely. But I don't think we should discount the feral people who are raised by wolves and bears because they're happy.

I absolutely agree. There's a place for everyone at the table, including the feral wolf children. Yeah, I thought so. This habitat, I'm so glad you agree, because I thought Isidor blew it. I was concerned that perhaps being cast out into the garden was sort of punishment, but in a strange way, they gave you exactly what you wanted. More access to the ability to learn and grow and refine your craft and become an even better healer and and practicer of medicine for those who need it so desperately.

Yes, but the you see the better I got at it the more of a target that I was. Well they got no one to blame but themselves then. I know. I was banished with the people, the men who dress as women in libraries for children. We were all banished together. Well, did you have an umbrella out there or something at least? You weren't just like sleeping on the ground, were you? Well, actually I did used to sleep on the ground,

but I'm not going to actually use the term that we use where I'm from. It's very derogatory. But where I'm from, the men who dressed as women who were third gender, they built a house for me from their skirts. That's very nice. From their skirts. Yes, they built a shelter for me so we found in Herodon this merry band of misfits of healers

and those who do not conform built a shelter. We were almost, you could say, hobos, with houses made of gowns. That reminds me of a question I wanted to ask you from earlier. When did you start playing the oboe? Well. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y- And when we come back Tabitha, I noticed both your thumbs are deeply green. I do wanna hear more about that. Sure, you got it. Hey, it's Guy Raz here, host of How I Built This, a podcast that gives you

a front row seat to how some of the best known companies in the world were built. In a new weekly series we've launched called Advice Line, I'm joined by some legendary founders and together, we talk to entrepreneurs in every industry to help tackle their roadblocks in real time. Everybody buys on feeling, guy, like everybody. So if you don't give them the feeling that they're looking for, they're not going to buy. A lot of times, founders will go outside of themselves to build a story, and you can't replicate heart.

You know, I think we all have a little bit of imposter syndrome, which isn't the worst thing in the world because it doesn't allow you to get overconfident and think that you're invincible. Check out the advice line by following How I Built This on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to How I Built This early and ad free right now on Wondery Plus. Welcome to the Offensive Line. You guys, on this podcast, we're gonna make some picks,

talk some and hopefully make you some money in the process. I'm your host, Annie Agar. So here's how this show's gonna work, okay? We're gonna run through the weekly slate of NFL and college football matchups, breaking them down into very serious categories like No Offense. No offense Travis Kelce, but you gotta step up your game if Pat Mahomes is saying the Chiefs need to have more fun this year.

We're also handing out a series of awards and making picks for the top storylines surrounding the world of football. Awards like the He May Have a Point Award for the wide receiver that's most justifiably bitter. Is it Brandon Iuke, T Higgins, or Devontae Adams? Plus, on Thursdays, we're doing an exclusive bonus episode on Wondery+, where I share my fantasy football picks ahead of Thursday Night Football and the weekend's matchups. Your fantasy league is as good as locked in. Follow the offensive line on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can access bonus episodes and listen ad-free right now by the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can access bonus episodes and listen ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So to have as a parsley, you know, you shared a lot of details about your life so far. And I think like our listeners, the one that I'm most interested in is what's it like living in a house that's made of gowns? Like, is that challenging? It was fabulous. It was sparkly. It smelled like a bath and body works in 1996.

It smelled like cucumber and melon, and there was love. It was filled with love. We didn't need windows or heaters, we had love. Huh, you don't have to heat a house made of gowns? Probably specifically shouldn't. And house made of gowns is so long, Arnie, just call it a hogo.

Of course, H-O saying for house and G-O saying for gown. Of course, of course. So it sounds like a fabulous place to live, very beautiful and welcoming. But were there separate rooms in this, uh, hogo? No, we all lived together. It was, well, maybe a little communist, a little too communist feeling

for the powers that be, in Herodon. So there were several bans put in place, and then when my extent to my healing powers was revealed, that's when I had to run away from Herodon. Or face five to seven. I want to hear more about your powers, because I'm very intrigued in gathering magical abilities from all over this land to help those in need.

So please, can you teach me the magical ways of your healing arts? Okay, so get this. If your head hurts, there's a bark. I can take off of a tree and boil it and give you the water and it makes your head stop hurting. Whoa. Okay, that's a pretty good one.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Right. It's kind of a potion. I'll take that. I'll chop that down. Do you know what kind of tree, do you remember what kind of tree that was?

It was ibuprofenol, I believe. Ibuprofenol tree. It's the name of the tree. But when things started to change, then they said it was the devil that was making the tree not Have people's heads hurt, but it was just by knowledge Okay, so So this is uh, this is like a skill more than like it's you don't have like give spells, you know eat spells I'd love to learn some spells. Okay. I've got another one

Okay, great. Here we go. If your face turns very red and it's hot out Yes, you can drink a glass of water Okay, and you'll feel better Don't tell them I told you that I won't definitely want um do you do you talk to plants like being being raised by Rosemary time and sage like do you can you like talk to oregano and stuff I think to them You know skip the small talk and just go to the song you know what I mean sure yeah sure Can I just say anytime there's a traveling band of musicians, they're always like, oh, Hogsface, it's so great to be in Hogsface.

Oh, we went to that sandwich shop that everyone loves in Hogsface and people are losing their mind and I'm like, shut up and get to the songs, right? I don't wanna hear you. Yes. It's just so, so frustrating. Thank you for sharing that sentiment and cutting straight to the music.

Chunt, I'm sorry. Excuse me for one moment, Tabitha. Chunt, I have to call you out here. First of all, Hog's Face was destroyed many moons ago. And if we were ever to go from town to town plying our trade, you don't think we'd pander? I guess we'd be little panda bears. Yeah, you're right. Do you sing the songs in your tongue or in the language of plants? The language of plants. It was my second language but became my primary language.

I could sing you a song if you like. I would love that, yes. That would be amazing. And you're going to sing it in, I guess... In plants. Plants, just called plant? Plant. That was it. I wrote all that down. I'm going to boil some bark in hot water and drink it.

Sorry, that frequency was unlike anything I've ever heard. Yes, they vibrate at a different frequency. Oh, Arnie, look, all the plants and flowers inside the Wanderlust, they're starting to kind of shimmy. Yeah. Wow. And that one dog over there put its paws over its ears. Oh, that means he likes it.

That song must have been a fucking bop. These flowers are losing their mind. Yeah, I was gonna say, it sort of seemed like that song was total bullshit, but these plants seem to actually be reacting to it. Well, I'm the Katy Perry of plants. Oh, Arnie, do you know who Katy Perry is? One of the most famous swordswomen.

Yes, she could sing and fight with a sword at the same time. She would parry your blows, knock them away, and then with her shield, she would hit you back, and then she would sing a beautiful song at the same time. She really made a fool of those who fought her to be able to sing and fight simultaneously. Although didn't I hear that that sword fighter is back recently?

Like, been a while and everyone's like, whoa, that sword fighter is back. I'm not sure if we're really loving their new moves. Oh is that is that true? I didn't know that. Is that a thing? I didn't. Oh look Arnie.

I had no idea. Tabitha, Ysitor, look all the plants and flowers they've lit tiny little torches and they're holding them above their head and swaying it back and forth. Oh they want to die. That's so sad. Yeah they're gonna set themselves on fire. Vegetation shouldn't have torches. I think they want to die. That's so sad. Yeah, they're gonna set themselves on fire vegetation shouldn't have torches I think they want an encore. Oh, well, all right. This is another very popular one

That's it that was it very popular with clovers oaks other grasses. Hmm. That's wonderful. I thought that one was very relaxing, personally. I could put that on to fall asleep to. Really? It's a song about death, but alright.

Usador. Sorry. It sounded different to me, and you know, out of context, since I don't speak plant. Arnie. Yes? You're from Earth. I'm from,, since I don't speak plant. Arnie. Yes? You're from Earth. Yeah, I'm from another world. I'm pretty special.

Would you ever be able to take me there? Do you think I would be accepted there? Well. And be able to practice my healing arts there? Okay, those are all distinctly different questions. I have not been able to get myself back there in a really consistent way. I do think that would you be able to do like would you be able to do your magic there? I don't know if it would convert. Would you be accepted there? I think some people would love you and some people would be just as big a dicks as people in Herodon, if I had to guess. That sounds right. And Chunt and I have been back to Earth a couple of times, but mostly in the 1980s,

which nostalgia makes it seem like it was cool, but it probably sucked then too. Yeah, Tabitha, everyone's hair was so big. It was big hair. Big, big hair. I had to tease my hair out. It was huge. Really? Yeah. Oh, and Arnie, you should know, I had to tease my hair out was huge really yeah Oh and Arnie you should know I forgot to tell you I made a little Sort of like a little flashcard cheat sheet for all of our guests and put it on the table here kind of laminated it

And it just says one you're on a podcast to Arnie's from Earth. Oh good. Yeah, it's all the points that they need to know Arnie they have lamination on earth. Yeah, but it's not the same as this. What is it all over this paper? Oh, uh, Chunt, um, I'll talk. When birds are fed food by their mothers, their mothers chew up the food and spit it back into their mouths. And sometimes the little birds go, bleh, we don't like this food, it's lame. But then we take all that food that their mother spat out, then the baby birds spat back out, and we cover things with it to make it last longer. Oh, and of course, that's called lamination. Yeah, because the kids think it's lame, lamination.

Yeah, oh, I see, yes, of course. They lament the food. Exactly. So, Time of the Parsley, if you were to get to my world, Yes. I think secretly the biggest problem might be, for some reason, people in my world, I think secretly the biggest problem might be for some reason people in my world when someone is just a little too into vegetables, it pisses people off.

I don't know why. Like all of the other stuff, there's other stuff that might be controversial for some, but for some reason people on earth get enraged when someone is just really into vegetables. I don't know what the deal is with that. Would they burn me at a steak? mmm good question. Maybe? They burn you for not having a steak. Or if you went to Arnie, what was that place we went to? Perkins or something? Ponderosa? There they burnt a steak. It was well done. Yeah. Oh yeah. Here's the thing about Ponderosa. They are gonna burn that steak. Yeah. It's not gonna be done well. No, it will be done yeah oh yeah here's the thing about ponderosa they are gonna burn that steak yeah it's not gonna be done well no it will be

done well oh it will be done well that's a well done yes yeah yeah but it's rare for them to do that no unless you're medium rare if you're a medium you could probably know they're gonna burn this thing yeah Tabitha does that sound like a place you want to visit no it doesn it doesn't. Yeah. To be totally honest. Yeah, it's complicated. Yeah, it's not complicated. Yeah, it sounds complicated. I don't, I don't know about the hair.

I feel like that would be upsetting. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds upsetting. I mean, I think we could do something like what you're doing here. I think we could, you know, just like kind of give you a big poof in the front and maybe crimp it on the sides. What do you think about that?

Well, all right. And maybe you could get it to cover my face because I really need no one to bring me back to Herodon. But you are purveyor of medicinal arts. You need not hide, not outside of Herodon, for you are a gift unto this world. To you I am. To them there is a gift unto this world. To you I am. To them there is a warrant for my arrest.

Inherited five to seven. And if I'm a repeat offender, they'll cover me with tires and then throw popsicle sticks on me until I die. Wow, that could take a while. Yes. It'll take a long while.

Yes. That's pretty sad, or watching kids eat the popsicle, read the joke on the stick. Yes. Mom, can I have a popsicle? And I can't help them. Yeah. I just have to listen to their whining

until I suffocate, because that is actually how you dye your skin. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, right. What's the extradition like between Harrodon and other kingdoms in Fyn? I imagine that if you're outside of Harrodon, you're in the clear, but maybe how often is it to get dragged back to

some terrible place you were born? Well, there's a special court in Harrodon and they... well, it used to be a lot more balanced, but now it's completely balanced to our conservative side. And so they've rewritten the laws. And now there are these secret police who will go and try to find the people who have tried to escape. So if they find me, they will throw me into a wagon and bring me back to Herodon. Yeah, sure. In that case, we'll cover your face with hair.

Makeover. Oh, and Tabitha, you've said a few times you'd be facing five to seven. Five to seven. Five to seven thousand years. Whoa. Whoa. That's terrible. So two thousand year wiggle room?

That's... Yes. That's quite? That's... Yes. That's quite a chasm. Yes. Yes. You have two millennia of parole meetings. Wow. That's terrible.

It just depends. And you'll probably be dead long before that, don't you think? Well, with healthy living. There's a lot of trees and plants that have been known to live for thousands of years used to do it. Oh, well that's a good point. So are you actually a plant now? Your hair is kind of a hedge, right?

Like, it looks like a hedge. Am I crazy? Her hair is a hedge, right? That is a succulence that is behind me. No. Oh, whoops. Chunt has very poor depth of perception. It's true. He has a lot of great powers, but depth perception Back up buddy. You are too close back up

But depth perception he's no good at it, and I haven't had too much to drink Chunt Don't tell me you're the one who can't see where the plant is No, I am NOT a plant. I'm just perceived as a witch But the truth is I just understand how plants work. So if I'm taken back to Harrodon, it will be the end. So we have the whole issue of Harrodon secret police coming after you, but assuming we can bypass that. Chunt, Isador, is there an especially progressive part of Foon that we could send her to? I mean, Northeast, yes, very accepting.

We're currently wanted there though. Yeah, they want to kill me specifically. That's neither here nor there. But they're pretty accepting of peoples. And I would say you'd fit right in there. Right now a lot of wizards have locked down a lot of Foon. They're not particularly accepting of non wizards and at all So I guess it's not a great time to be like relocating in food

Yeah, I think I'd normally I'd say mouse town But obviously with the the sal going on mouse town is not Safe as I mean, here's the real issue in in my In my opinion Tabitha wherever you go the biggest obstacle you're gonna have to overcome is when you eventually get an invite for your 20th high school reunion. Because I think you have to go, right? Don't you? You have to. Yes, you have to. It's more a stigma worse than tarring with popsicle sticks than to not go.

Have you ever thought of casting a glamour on yourself that would make you appear to be an entirely different person? Hmm. I guess I hadn't thought about that. When you grow up with herbs, you tend to, you know, kind of just be how you are. Right. And let yourself develop organically, but I could hide everything about myself and go home to my reunion, I suppose. I suppose I could do that. I mean, I don't want you to hide everything about yourself. Oh yeah, but disguises could be fun.

I just don't want you to get dragged away by the secret police, to be clear. Oh! Maybe a temporary disguise, like you pretend to be a man who loves meat. Oh You know, unfortunately make you look like Arnie Well, you could yes, sure. Yeah, if you want I think I can pull it off I like vegetables to can we trade cloaks? Yeah, Arnie give her your give her your jacket Okay, here's my jacket. I just got this. And here, let me feel your face. Let me feel your face, Oni, so I know the shape of it.

Let me feel your face. Let me feel it. You've known me for years. I think I can cast the spell now that I make you look like Oni. But let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. Quick break and we'll be right back. My name is Georgia King and I am thrilled to be the host of And Away We Go, a brand new travel podcast on Wondry+,

where we'll be whisked away on immersive adventures all around the world. Where we go, what we do, what we eat, drink and listen to will all be up to my very special guests. We've got Ben Schwartz taking us on a whirlwind trip around Disneyland. We'll eat a bowl of life-changing pasta with Jimmy Oh Yang in Tuscany, Italy.

And how do you feel about a spot of sugaring off with Emily Hampshire in Montreal? And away we go, we'll immerse you in some of the wonders of the world. We're gonna be seeing some yellows and vibrant oranges. And the shoes clicking against the cobblestone. If you're looking to get somebody in the mood, have them look at the Chicago skyline. You can listen to And Away We Go exclusively with Wondery+.

Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Georgia, do you know what joy sounds like? I think I'm hearing it right now. I'm Dan Tbersky. In 2011, something strange began to happen at the high school in Leroy, New York. I was like at my locker and she came up to me and she was like stuttering super bad.

I'm like, stop f***ing around. She's like, I can't. A mystery illness, bizarre symptoms and spreading fast. It's like doubling and tripling and it's all these girls. With a diagnosis the state tried to keep on the down-low. Everybody thought I was holding something back. Well, you were holding something back. And tension, I.

Yeah, well, yeah. No, it's hysteria. It's all in your head. It's not physical. Oh my gosh, you're exaggerating. Is this the largest mass hysteria since the witches of Salem? Or is it something else entirely?

Something's wrong here. Something's not right. Leroy was the new dateline and everyone was trying to solve the murder. A new limited series from Wondery and Pineapple Street Studios. Hysterical. Follow Hysterical on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Hysterical early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. of Hysterical Early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. And we're back. Here, wait, let me feel your face one more time.

Okay, okay. Are you ready? Yes. This is gonna be so freaky. Wait, is Arnie gonna look like Lady of the Garden down at the parcel? There's no reason for me to, no, we don't need me to get dragged away by the secret police.

But we need to make it freaky. No, Chunt, they'll both look like Arnie and you'll look just a little bit like Arnie. Ooh. Yerroth-taron-tik-ampath-con-Hon-old-tah-fah-the-tah-bah-thah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah I think that's it. Did it work? It's my face. It's fuzzy. I gotta say great beard. Pretty close. Wow. Right? Chunt, what do you think? Wow, my hair. Look. Look at that.

Look how tall my hair is. Whoa. Looks pretty good. The white in your fur moved around a little bit too. You got a little more on the chin there. Oh, wow. Look at us. Three Arnie's hanging out. Three Arnie's in Isador. I'm going to say these beards are the perfect ratio of brown and silver. Oh. It's like intentional. Yeah it doesn't look like a mistake. Yeah. Notice how Tabitha said, not gray. Very kind of her.

Thank you. Well, I think as long as I don't open my mouth or heal anybody, I might be okay for a while. How long does this last? Well, actually, I put a little magical spot right on your neck there. So you can just tap that. There you go. back to yourself. Oh it gets you here it gets you right here. It gets you right there. Okay I'm back I'm back. Yeah that's fun right? That is fun it's like little tingly. But you feel like the awnee is

pretty good? Yes. How's the penis? Oh I- I- Don't rush to answer. I didn't get one you didn't get one. Oh, I know I didn't it's yeah It's just it's actually just the head. I think oh, okay. Well you don't really use it or hands off Okay, I've got some herbs if you need to calm down. Oh, that'd be great Honestly if you could leave us a stockpile of herbs to calm you sooner down, that would be incredible. Thank you so much. Of course. I have multiple.

Depends on what kind of calm you want. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. He needs to sink into the couch. He needs like a downer. Oh, and in the couch. Got it.

Yes. Thank you so much. Oh, also, while we're talking about sort of salves for us three, you know, Arnie sometimes wakes up, you know, he doesn't feel very well. And I'm ignorant in terms of like compared to your skills. I mostly use these leeches that kind of suck out his humors. Is there something other than leeches that used to be so funny? Yes Stop using leeches Interesting, okay. That's good. That's what I've been saying. I mean, that's what I'm screaming frankly. Shut up, Arnie

Okay, there are these magical beans called coffee beans that you can roast and then you grind them up and you pour hot water over them and then you drink the tonic of the hot water and the beans in the morning and that will make you feel better. You could also look out your window and take a moment and say, wow it's a beautiful day and just appreciate something that will make you feel better too. Now Tabitha, this bean potion, should I talk to Arnie before he's had his bean potion? Oh no. Do not talk to him before he's had his bean potion.

I'll put that on a flask or on a tankard just so I remember it. Yes. Look, I'm very interested in the bean potion, but I have to ask, would one of the side effects be being obsessed with the bean potion, like never shutting the fuck up about the bean potion but I have to ask would one of the side effects be being obsessed with a bean potion like never shutting the fuck up about the bean potion like kind of making it my whole personality yes there is a risk if you do not already have a personality it will become your personality you might also start listening to jazz and talking about jazz when no one has asked you about it. Maybe it's nice just to have your bean potion out on the balcony and enjoy your time.

There's a certain ritual to grinding the beans and to frothing the milks that I assume you would mix into this bean potion. And then you have to figure out what grind settings you need exactly to get the right grind the right consistency tabitha you've just told me about this process but i feel like i'm already gonna spend a lot of gold to try and get like the best machine and like really got to more so other people see it and they're like, and I can be like, uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I'm going to warn you that some medicine needs to be in moderation. And if you go too far down the hole of the bean water, the hobby gets out of control, and you get maybe a ceramic slow drip.

You will lose your friends. OK? And also, I'm sorry, you will not get a romantic partner Maybe for one night, but the next morning they will not want to continue this If you talk to them about it, you can say one thing But if you say more than that that is a red flag. It's a deal. Okay, so so guys guys More than that, that is a red flag. It's a deal. Okay, so guys, guys, let's, right now,

let's set our limit, no more than 800 ounces of bean potion a day. Sold. Sold, okay, cool. Tabitha, not gonna be an issue. Well, the good news is I'm very lazy, and I don't think even a lot of bean potion is gonna change that.

Lady of the Garden Tabitha Parsley, you've taught us so much here today. Let me take off my magical hat, reach inside and gift you with a brand new oboe. Thank you. You know, you talked so much about reinventing yourself. Maybe I should just become an Arnie who plays oboe. Maybe that's my new chapter.

Arnbow? Arboe. Arboe? Arboe. Lady of the Garden Tabitha Parsley is dead. Oh shit. Arboe is born. Long live Arboe! Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Can I ask you a quick question?

Yes, but let me touch your face real quick first. Okay. Alright, what's the question? How often have you been turning people into looking like me? question yes but let me touch your face real quick first yeah okay all right what's the question how often have you been turning people into looking like me because I could have sworn a couple of times recently off in the distance I've seen versions of me walking around town I don't know some constables just burst in the tavern here sorry they're holding up a little drawing. Sorry, gents, there's nobody who looks like that here.

We only have a man who loves meats. Arbo, he loves the meats. He's got the meats. He's got the meats, that's pretty good. He has the meats? Blast us a tune on that oboe. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Just made that up. Oh, is that jazz? Clearly not the person you're looking for. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Oh, just all the predecessors of jazz. Like, if you think about it, to have the jazz is like,

how do I say this? Stop him, stop, stop, stop. Now that I have this cool hair, let me put on a little sideways jaunty hat. Oh, no. Hey, you have to save him. Awni, do they have jazz on Earth? I think you said that they had it in that movie that you like,

but they called it Jizz. Still, you sir, my conversations with you about Jizz are not for the podcast. It's for that masturbating club you're a part of now. I'm not a part of the club. First of all, it's not a club. It's a convention. Thank God we brought that full circle. I know how to make Jizz disappear if you need it.

I've got an herb for that. Now I've got my quill out. I turned all those secret police that came in here, I turned them all into ice and then I shattered them into a billion pieces. Is that helpful? That is incredibly helpful, thank you. It's gonna buy me some time. Also their drawing was terrible, it could have been anybody. There's been a lot of cutting of funding for the arts inheritance, so the quality of drawing

has gone way down. That tracks. Yes. It's just sort of a stick figure. Well, they burnt all the artists too. Ah, terrible. Yes. That actually is the... I know the guy who drew those. He's the best they got now. Oh. Oh, um, Tav, that reminds me. You're due some breakfast, of course,

because you're sitting here with us. You don't eat meat. You probably don't eat plants because you're raised by them. What do you sustain yourself with? Yes. I drink bean potion and, um... Okay. It's very specific, but I have some chicken friends who lay eggs and they say, Hey, you know what? I really don't want this one. Do you want it? And then I eat them. That's that. Those are the eggs. Just the ones they don't want.

Just the ones they don't want. Okay. So that's what I eat. That's nice. But I haven't eaten in three days. I've been on Running from Harrington. What did I tell you guys birds are the best? I Love birds. Look, I think it totally makes sense

But the people who hair it in who already don't like what you do Don't tell them that you're eating those eggs because they're gonna have some wild theories about that I won't tell them anything. Hopefully I never go back and I just start a new life as you, but. With me? No, as you. Oh, as me, okay. But with an oboe. Arbo.

Arbo. Arbo? Yes. Arbo. Arnie, we talked about Arbo being a bigger part of the podcast. Oh, I didn't know. Just on days when you're not feeling it, we bring an Arbo.

Fuck, I'm almost never feeling it. I could compose a new intro song with my oboe. Could you compose an outro song? Sure! Alright, let's hear it. Okay. One moment. Okay.

Let's see here. Oh, she's lowering all the candles. Oh, she's lowering all the candles. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Oh, yeah. It's my gift for you saving my life. Thank you, Arbo. I'm happy to give you that outro. It's just what we do. We just save lives. That's what we do here. Does anyone else have any other ailments? That I could offer some help?

Aunty, you're pretty messed up. What do you got going on? I don't know where to start. Is chronic disappointment an ailment? Asking for a framing device. User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. The Lady of the Garden was played by special guest Caitlin Barlow. Check out Caitlin's satirical momfluencer account, The Cleve Life, and the non-profit she creates content for, Moms Rising.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Sean Martin, Stefan Bouchard, Heather Giuliano, Zach Woods, Sheridaj, Grace Reamer, Hope Miranda, as in I hope Miranda eventually writes a sequel to Hamilton, the storyline is begging for it, Oedine, Matt Williams, Anthony Stephen Flath, and Bast. Yes, just the one word. You might even say, simply the Bast. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the sp spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month

Here's a clip from the most recent episode where Arnie Chanton usador try to understand some of the earliest peanuts comic strips So Arnie in in this early iteration everyone beats the shit out of Charlie Brown to hate his dog Let's kill this fucking old man in the future 40 50 years from now from when you read it Probably Charlie Brown if he goes to kick something he makes full contact, right? Sadly no, he doesn't even look at that satisfaction. Yeah, I mean hypothetically if you were like to kick a ball Let's say just okay. Yeah, randomly If you would try to kick a ball that ball would be pulled out from under him and he'd go flying into the air and land on his head He's not long dead in the future where you're reading it. No, no, he's cursed to live for 30 or 40 years same

Exactly than the amount of balding child get a toupee To hear the rest even though the game of it was pretty well telegraphed there, and to learn more about supporting the show, visit Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Chris Rathjen. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Scammers are best known for living the high life until they're forced to trade it all in for handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit once they're finally caught. I'm Saatchi Cole. And I'm Sarah Hagge. And we're the host of Scamfluencers, a weekly podcast from Wondery that takes you along

the twists and turns of some of the most infamous scams of all time, the impact on victims, and what's left once a facade falls away. We've covered stories like a Shark Tank certified entrepreneur who left the show with an investment, but soon faced mounting bills, an active lawsuit filed by Larry King, and no real product to push. He then began to prey on vulnerable women instead, selling the idea of a future together while stealing from them behind their backs. To the infamous scams of Real Housewives stars like Teresa Giudice, what should have proven to be a major downfall only seemed to solidify her place in the Real Housewives Hall of Fame.

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