Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 22 - Porvis & Dump (w/ Jon Mackey & David Brown)

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

Porvis and Dump are carriage drivers who stumbled upon the largest pile of magic items anyone has ever seen.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiPorvis: Jon MackeyDump: David BrownMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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everyone figured out it was just me. Well, sponsored or not, sit back and enjoy the room. Wait, I think for that one everyone figured out it was just me. Well sponsored or not, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Nechamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift that I used to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wander lost, a tavern that travels around the land of Foon, in the magical land of Foon, and I'm joined as always by my co-host,

Chumpt the Talking Badger. Hey sweetie, you want me to top that off for you? Sure. You want me to top off your bean potion? A little bit. I'm, you know, I'm still new to the bean potion. Yeah. Do you want to know my little secret?

What's that? How I prepare the bean potion. Am I going to hate it? I spank the beans. Yep, I hate it. Yep, I hate it. Before I grind the beans and put the hot water through it, I spank the beans.

Oh yeah. You got to spank the beans. Oh yeah, you gotta spank the beans. Of course. Chen, can I say, I appreciate how you've really decided to kind of like up the level of hospitality here at the Wanderlust. Oh yeah, apron on, little pencil behind my ear, pad of paper, Southern charm, hand on my hip. Calling everyone honey or sweetheart.

Recommending the pie pie that's the thing though a lot of people are angry because we do not serve pie yeah I know people are pissed he's recommending that we get pie yeah I mean I could sort of articulate that better but it's been very confusing would you like some pie yeah that's confusing because we don't have it to offer them but you want to know if they would be interested so we could add it to the menu. Yes. Oh, and speaking of which, this is my other co-host, Yuset or the Wizard. Ani, I just want to point out one thing about your introduction.

Uh... traveling around the land of Foon in the land of Foon. Mm-hmm. I knew someone was gonna... yeah. Ah, feels a bit repetitive. Have you thought about saying, in Foon we travel around the land of Foon in this Foonish tavern that is in Foon? No, no. Okay. Okay, are you open to any notes about the intro? Here's the thing, I'm gonna give myself a note,

and I've been thinking about this for months now. For some reason, we've been doing this for nine years I Have lost the ability to be able to say fantastical and magical like casually like there I get to that fantastical and I start sweating when I'm just sort of like Hello from the magic tabern a weekly podcast from the magical land of food I'm really sorry and he can't be a realist of the podcast before. There's everything you need to know. Now we go the parts in the magical fantastical.

Like there's something like I'm saying I'm doing OK now. Magical, fantastical. But I'm telling you, you go back, especially fantastical. You go back and listen to the last couple of episodes. I am not sticking the landing on those words. Oh, Arnie, honey, we don't listen to past episodes. Sweetie, no. Oh, no. Oh, also, Ar Arnie can you meet me on the table? Sure. Bye. What's going on buddy? Oh I just wanted my weekly wages. Under the table? You want them under the

table? Okay sure. You told me that was best for you. And this isn't a sex thing to be clear. Uh could be. Okay well no I know, I- I- No, we're not in this working environment. Yeah, you brought it up. Hey, you brought it up. I did. It's true. It's true. And so, please- How's the sex thing going down there? Oh, fuck. Not great. Oh, why did I put Yusador in charge of HR? Okay, I'm in so much trouble.

Uh, anyway, here's your money. Here's three coins. Okay. That's right. I don't even know what I pay you. Arnie, thank you for putting me in charge of HR. I've always thought of humans as resources Yeah, okay, let's get up from under the table. I even look at what coins you handed me. I'll just trust that it's three Do you want me to check? Um would you? A one? a two

three Bit my coin in fucking half dude. Thanks a lot. That's useless. Sorry Arnie I'm gonna go around and sort of top off everyone everyone's bean juice here. That's not a sex thing, right? No, no, just their bean potion just going to spink the beans and then top everyone off give them some sloppy toppy That that is definitely a sex thing. Yeah. No when you drink your bean potion Do you ever notice how it sort of sloshes around and spills everywhere? It's sloppy. Sloppy toppy. Alright.

Yeah. I'll allow it. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, you just stood up there. You gonna sit back down there or could we take that seat that you just stood up from, my friend? Yeah, can we use that seat? Feel free, friend, to pull up another chair.

Uh, we'd love to speak to you. Uh, we are doing a podcastual broadcast back to another world. That sounds really cool guys. That sounds really cool. Hey, how you guys doing? You having a good night? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, we're doing quite well. Thank you. Do a little sloppy-toppy. Sorry, it's catching on. Come on, dump, dump, don't do it, dump, dump, don't, don't, don't get all gross on these guys.

No, what you mean? What you mean get gross? They said sloppy, toffee, not me. Yeah. So, sweetheart, I am so sorry. Did you just call him dump? Oh, sorry, yeah, guys, hi. My name's Paul Viss, this is my friend Dump.

We're just passing through. Yeah, Dump. We just wanted to come in and get some kind of drink, some kind of food, a little snack or something like that and let me tell you what, we don't look like we got money but boys do we got more money now. We got more money than you could ever imagine. And also, it's not just Dump now, it's either Dump the Daring or Dump the Dangerous or Dump the Dumbledore, whatever you want to call me, I got many names.

He's trying out different nicknames, you know, we've both decided now that we're not just regular old carriage drivers and no more, then we're going to try out nicknames. He's dumped the daring, he's trying that. Paul Vista Plenty, I like that one you was working on. Yeah, and it's kind of one of those ironic names because as you can all see, I'm a little tiny guy, right? So it's Paul Vista Plenty, it's actually... No! No, no, no, it's kind of one of those ironic names because as you can all see I'm a little tiny guy, right? So it's Paul V my bigness onto him, he projects his littleness onto me, and then in our minds we're kinda even, normal size. We even out, we like, because we're two people and there's such different statues, we actually like two people that's the same size, you know what I mean? Yes, I do. It's sort of like Arnie and Chunt. Arnie's the big one and Chunt's just a little tiny cute badger. What is it about that?

Big and littles we all just friend up, you know? What is it about that? Look, since we're all miss sized people here, can I just say, don't you hate it when people hang out with people the same size as them? I can't recognize them. Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like it. No, I think you need variety in your life, right? And look, me and Dump are the exact kind of guys who want to tell you that because we have spent the less, or what, 15, 16, 17 years of our lives just doing the same thing every single day,

but not no more. We're on a new mission, folks. We're on a new mission, guys. A new mission? Yeah, we don't do the same thing no more. You might actually have heard of us before. You guys familiar with the carriage service that goes across the land from here? You can sort of pick it up outside and then it goes all the way across and it's called

Uber. You know that? Oh, I know. I'm not familiar. Please tell me more. I am familiar with the carriage service that will lift you up and take you across the land. Right. It's kind of like it's a service that will lift you up, you know,

sort of taxi you around a little bit. But it's like, it's we call it Uber. Yeah. Yeah. Call me. We made a word up. Sounds fancy. It does sound very fancy. Actually, it's just, it's just me pulling the, pulling a little wood carriage. You, it's not an animal. It's you. No, no, no. We, we didn't have the money for that. So now, what Dom does, he pulls it, and I sort of sit on the little bench seat at the top and sort of slap in with my whips, you know what I mean? Smooth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like spanking the beans, yeah. Now, is that a sex thing?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. You two need to have a talk at some point. It seems like there's maybe some misunderstandings here. Well, you two gentlemen, can I offer you a drink from the bar, or perhaps something to eat, or perhaps a room for the night? We don't need any of those things, mate. We can do it ourselves. What?

We don't need nothing from nobody. We don't need nothing from nobody, no more than that. Nothing. No more. No, we actually even, we think we're stop doing uber because we don't need it anymore So you have a new mission and ubers behind you you're not doing uber anymore gone. You're over uber Yeah, we're over it, you know because things we let's just say you're two boys here Paul vinson dump found a bit of a come-up recently if you heard the phrase that come up come up Yeah, I've heard I've heard that phrase. I use it all the time. I've tried to tell already about it

Yeah, we sort of had a bit of a come-up you guys know we was we was coming back from a trip You know we had to go far far away. Yeah, it was windy. It was windy Yeah, it was raining uphill the whole way. It was just a tough. This was an uber ride. It was an uber ride Yeah, it was just this this this this couple who were fighting the whole time. And we were just like, geez. Oh my gosh. Yeah, we didn't want to deal with it, right? So we dropped them off, and then we're heading back. And guys, let me tell you what.

There was some crazy stuff going on up in the field. You know, over the hill just outside of town? And then you go down, and there's the creek, and then there's the other hill that goes up, and then you sort of follow the trail around to the right. Yeah, the other trail. Yeah, I know. Yeah. There was a big big big hole. There's a hole in that trail now Yeah, there was a big hole. I don't know what happened. Maybe an explosion

Yeah, it looked like a fresh hole boys. It was like a big fresh hole You know what an old hole looks like? It looks like a fresh hole. Oh, I know my holes. This fresh hole is having a come up And then look and I know it sounds like this is a sex scene, guys, but this one is. It's not. No, it's not. This was just, we saw this fresh hole, no vegetation on it. Looked like- Oh, waxed.

It might have been smoking even. Yeah. And so we woke up to this thing, right? And let me tell you what, Dump looks over the edge the first time and he turns back, and I've never seen a guy's eyes light up So incredibly bright and big this guy looks back and says baby. We're done with this. I Knew immediately what to lay my eyes on it. Okay He knew he knew we were done because we ain't gonna have to do this no more. It was a beautiful scene Beautiful we look out and all that we see is dead people okay

there's some sort of maybe like battle or something look like two sides and like comment each other big pile in the middle one sides wearing one color the other sides wearing another color super coordinated colors which made it look like two sides and then there was a smaller one it was like a different color so the model be a third party that was like maybe about but they all killed each other So so not to slow down your story here, but yeah, so you came upon a giant fresh hole Yeah, yes, and you were so excited that it was filled with dead bodies, right? Right, it's not where dead bodies is what was on them. Yeah.

Cause you know when somebody dies you can't keep your stuff. Why are you guys looking around the room like you're gonna tell a joke? It's a funish law that you're allowed to loot a body if you find a body. You find a bunch of bodies you're set for life. And if you find a bunch of bodies you got a bunch of bodies to loot. So you found some coins and perhaps some jewels? Some riches? Coin and jewels!

He said coin and jewels! Maybe some rusty swords you could trade in for a better sword if you had enough of them. Rusty swords, yeah right. We found maybe 10,000 pieces of the highest magic. What? I mean you wouldn't believe. Don't tell anybody, by the way. Well I'm going to have to confiscate those immediately.

Yeah good luck. You wanna try? Yeah you wanna try? You wanna try? Cause I'm wearing one of them armor of the forsaken makes me invincible to everything. Oh shit. You know what?

When you walked in I thought that looked like the armor of the forsaken and I thought that can't be the armor of the forsaken. What are the odds of that? Yeah it's on me. Check it out. Look at it. at it. Look at I don't know the names of the magic items But I did see you and I was like this guy looks like he's invulnerable to everything. Yeah do it Hit me with home. All right, I'll throw a fireball at you. Stand back. Okay Okay

Wow, I did set the bar Whoa! I didn't feel a thing. Nothing! Wow! I did set the bar on fire. I did set the bar on fire. So I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go put that out. Okay.

Yeah. Didn't feel a thing. May I just say, how ref- Arnie, it's so refreshing to have two guests barge in and tell us how fantastic they're doing. I just- anytime I'm- if I'm out with someone I know or someone I don't know and they come up to me and they're just like, I'm doing so well. I'm so rich, I'm booking it, like I'm doing so well.

Here's how amazing my life is going. It just feels so good, right? Do you feel that way already? Yeah. It feels good for us. That's true. Nobody wants to tell you about their day more than people that are doing better than you. So it'll be like, Oh, I found this part. Let me tell you, we

are my man. We are. Look, look, you know, he's got that armor, right? But check out this is this great sword right here, right? But if I hold this sword, I can barely hold this thing up. But if you try to push me, you can't knock me down. Sorry, you're just a tiny little guy. Of course I'll fucking knock you down. That's what you think. Is that the sword of Weeble? That's right, it's the sword of Weeble. Okay, let me give him a-

I guess, I don't know what it's called, but I think- He's starting to wobble? Yeah, Weeble's wobble, but they don't fall down. No, look. Come on! Do I want back up? No, it's magnets or something. His feet- there's something- he's- No.

What's going on here? You can't knock me down when I'm holding this No, it's magnets or something his feet. There's something he's no, what's going on? You can't knock me down when I'm holding this sword boys We do this for hours. I'm not joking. We've been doing this for hours sometimes It kind of does look like I got weights in my feet or whatever, but that ain't it It's just that I'm holding this big sword guys. Yeah, yeah, knock him down. Okay, knock me down Yeah, that's right here. This little thing right here. Oh just just a couple of phones, you know, this is a crown of everlasting life Dump dump hang on a second. I dumped this sounds like a bit of a hat on a hat you're wearing invincible armor, yeah and it and a Crown that makes you

Crown yeah, right. It's a crown on a crown. Yeah, right? It's a crown on a crown. To be fair, like, you can be invulnerable and then you can still have, like, a brain aneurysm or something. So the crown... Because you can age. Yeah. I haven't aged in a day since I put it on. See, I'm a wizard, so I was immortal for a long time, so I forget about people aging

and stuff like that. And now I have to deal with the fact that I'm mortal and someday I'll age and die. Can I ask real quick, the colors, you said they were wearing different colors on the field. Is there any chance that those colors were green and teal? What's teal? That's a good question. Sort of like a blue, but it's a little yellowy.

Blue, yeah. Yeah, it's like shitty green. Oh, shitty green, yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. It's crazy you say shitty green because we saw one it said wow We love the color on that uniform that these guys got but these guys got a shitty color Yeah, little green on so one had a good green and one had a shitty green. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, honey. This was a battle between

minions of spin tacks and Tim Tam the deal Oh Two of the best wizards in all food. Well, one of them's kind of an asshole. Arnie, I don't know if I've ever told you this. When I was younger, still in school, I was a fan of this charlatan. There's a charlatan who would go around town. He was a hornet, and he would buzz around town.

Were you fans of charlatans? You okay? Yeah, you okay? You okay? No, I'm okay. This charlatan, he wore these robes, and it was purple, tealal and I want to say white And his robes were reversible and it was just like so this charlatan hornet was so fucking cool

Just everyone would wear his colors But eventually hoses yeah I guess some posers people who didn't watch his speeches and kind of keep up with this You know what was going on with him. But it's just, um, the color since then, since that Charlton died, has had quite the downfall. So yeah, we now call it shitty green, which you guys... And I'm Chunt, this is Arnie, and that's you, sir. And I am Usador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights,

devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trocas, the elves know me as Feangelic, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Hoogstanges, and I am known throughout the North-East as Gasminius Maestah, and lo, if any of these magical artifacts are used for ill intent, know that you shall face the wrath of you son or a you use your dog listen Don't worry nothing a lot of this a lot of this stuff like it's like not even all that cool Yeah, we got we do got the great sword that sort of knocks me over and he does have two items that make it So it's pretty hard to kill him, but I also got this here helmet right now I think it's it's inscribed on his says helmet of Arnold the great and it makes you hungry Arnold the great yeah you should have that

helmet you put it on and it just makes you hungry which is good cuz I'm tiny and I'm trying to bulk you know what I mean I'm trying to put on some weight so that I can sort of you know be a little more substantial and so so now I got this this helmet like look I'll put this on give me some food where's the food somebody give me some beat juicer and some beet juice. Give me some beet juice. Give me beet juice and some pie. Come on now. Well, let's take a quick break. We don't actually serve pie, but yeah. We'll try to get some pie. He's gonna eat everything. He's gonna eat everything.

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Tickets on sale now at Dr. Death live.com So porvis and dumb you've come across all of this magical paraphernalia lots of it more of it honestly than I've ever seen before in one place and There's more in the carriage by the way, there's more than this this Yeah, I mean there might be a million pieces. We don't know You know, would you say this is one of the biggest collections of magic? In one place and all the food. Yes, it's incredibly dangerous and incredibly exciting incredibly terrifying and incredibly awesome Please there's no price I wouldn't pay to look through these items and

potentially purchase some of them from you. Wouldst thou consider relinquishing some of your your great boon? I mean you might say we would take a like a little something for something of this stuff, but you know I gotta say I'm really loving it. We don't need money though. We got, yeah, I mean we have everything we need so you're gonna have to trade us at least. Okay, you want to barter something? Yeah, you know look yeah, maybe you know you like this bracelet right you see this bracelet going on It's also inscribed. It says it's the bracelet of Arby's the plump Arby's the plump

Could it be Arbo? Are you presenting these in alphabetical order? Oh, could it be Arbo? Are you presenting these in alphabetical order by? Arnie how else would someone present a list of items? Yeah, it's how you organize lists No, it ain't because this is Arby's the lesson was Arnold and RB would be before Arnold That's fair unless you skipped ahead to impress us No, no, no, no, no, but I just know I just know that I've been wearing this thing for the last couple of days Since we got this thing, right? And every time I get near beef, it vibrates. I think it vibrates when I'm near my favorite meat,

which is good because again, I'm trying to bulk, right? Because I'm so small, I'm trying to put on some weight. Those two items go together well. It's honestly perfect for a guy like me who's tiny and wants to get big, you know what I mean? One clarifying question, does it vibrate near cows or is it specifically once it's become beef? I'll tell you this, there was cows in the field

and when I put this thing on it didn't move but then when I walked by a guy eating a big beef rib, it started vibrating so I think it's maybe once the beef has been roasted, the bracelet of Arby's the plump starts Vibrate, okay now we were gonna talk about this bracelet the whole time, but I do have more questions about the bracelet So you see a giant or someone with a giant rib how far away were you when it started to vibrate? Proximity good question. Yeah, this rib was huge for so it actually started vibrating at a sort of low frequency from about a hundred yards away and then

when I got 50 yards away it sort of it sort of became a little higher frequency and then when I was right next to it it kind of felt like an electrical shock oh almost painful on the verge of painful I have to have this bracelet I don't know it's really helping me out as a guy who's trying to bulk use it all. I realize that you don't need money and you said you're willing to trade something. I, what do I have? I have a, are you interested in a shape-shifter

or a man from another world? What the fuck? Well, it depends on if this shape-shifter you're talking about can shape-shift into food. No, I don't think so. No, okay. Are you sure your ex could turn into a rack of ribs? That's true.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That was a sexy. Just leave it the red. Yeah, that was a sexy. Undoubtedly. I understand and know what sex is and have partaken in it. If we could just unpack something, like why, I mean I understand, you know, a crown that

makes you live forever. I understand, you know, the sword that makes you immovable Why would a wizard need a bracelet that makes you find read? I just don't understand to know where beef is like beef tar I think it's like beef star, right? But what the thing is we got out there we look in this whole right and it was obvious that there was like sort of Tears of people right there was like people with like the good stuff like the great sword that makes the sea king get knocked over all this sort of other stuff it was sort of on like guys who looked like they like kind of knew what they was doing and then there was a few guys kind of on the sides in the back who had the stuff which honestly honestly dump doesn't seem to think the stuff that I

gots that good but I actually think the stuff that I gots really good and I'm not really that interested in the stuff that makes you live forever honestly yeah honestly those are kind of boring anyway he was talking about sick so I actually think the stuff that I got is really good and I'm not really that interested in the stuff that makes you live forever, honestly. Yeah, honestly those are kind of boring anyway. You was talking about sex earlier, weren't ya? Well, I got something for you. This one's called Medusa's Blade. And if you cut someone with it, it'll turn a three into a seven if you know what I mean. It gets you drunk? Penis size? No, no, no, a lady the way she looks.

The way she looks. I see. Is that a generalization or is that exactly like has to be a three and it turns them into exactly a seven? So far it's gotta be a three. If it's a three and you cut them, it'll turn them into a seven. I'll say this is entirely subjective too, by the way,

because when we were testing this out, he cut something and the person he was talking to was not a three for me. They were at least a seven or an eight for me. It's the eye of the beholder. Yeah, yeah. The holder of Medusa's blades is the one who determines the threeness.

I don't know how these things work. I don't know how they work. Yeah, the holder of Medusa's blades is the one who determines the three NIS They just do things sounds like a fucking spin tax spell if I've ever heard it's inscribed on the hilt here It says any holders a golder Well, no actually don't did that Picked it up. Yeah, cuz it's not spelled correctly any old He did that when he picked it up. Yeah, because it's not spelled correctly. Any older the older. You know, sometimes Dom does these catchphrase things that kind of just are first thought, you know what I mean? It's like, you don't think about it all the way.

Look, we had shitty lives, okay? No one liked this. No one liked anything we do. So like, now we are the kings of the party at least i am i mean i got a bag full of fun crap here that why is no one asking the important question what happened to the couple we dropped them off you know you finished the ride yeah we finished the ride you know people don't normally follow up with their the carriage riders come on what do you expect us to sort of check in with them the day the next day or whatever? It's like no we got to that place. We we said have a good night Give us a tip rate us five stars on the bulletin board How often do people go back to the bulletin board and give you a star?

Only when they don't like the ride way less frequently people usually rate stuff when they're angry Yeah, you only get the ones yeah, it's frustrating They're trying to implement a system where you can send a raven to put the five stars on the board for you. Right, I even told them I'd come back and grab their review and go and put it up there for them. You know what I mean? And they said, they said, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We'll do it for sure, we'll do it for sure. But now, you know, I say it all the time. Fuck them. But now, Porvis, you can go to where you dropped them off, wear your bracelet, and take all their beef. Exactly, exactly, I can do that. You know what else I can do. You know what else I can do, and this is really cool.

This is one more item that I'm really excited about, and it's gonna take a little while for this to pay off, I think. Hey Ernie, do you think it's gonna start with an A, Z? I think it's gonna be an A, R, and then it's gonna be somewhere between N and B. Not definitively in any one direction, but really in that same area. Sorry, Porvis, what was it called? It's okay, it's called the Amulet of...

The Armulet, you said? Asteroids. And guys, this is a... I think this is a necklace that makes it so that you stimulate muscle growth, which is good for a guy like me who's trying to bulk. You know what I mean? Look at these four arms. Yeah, trying to bulk up. Looking veiny.

Looking veiny. Right, you see? Look at all those veins. You see them? Wow. I've never seen one of my veins one time in my whole life. And then I put this amulet on and all of a sudden I look like all I do is Shake heavy stuff. Oh wow and actually porvis as you're rotating your forearms here

I see that there's kind of a cut there It looks like a cut that might have been made with Medusa's blade not even a three Yeah, couldn't do nothing for me because I ain't even a three. Currently a two, but we're waiting for the bolt, you know? Sure. Yeah, I'm hoping the bolt gets me to three. Given the benefit of a doubt, he's a four. Porvis, can I just say as you're flexing, my beef is vibrating. Oh, and daddy, okay, all right.

I like this. Different strokes, yep. I like that, I like that. I like to know that, that I'm attractive to someone. Porvis, did you steal all of your items from one body? Did I Did I did it feels like dump dump has the I mean to to most people would have the sort of bigger hall You know, yeah

And you know, but I we kind of did a one like a back and forth trade sort of like snake draft, you know, like the idea that like, sure, I get one, he gets one, I get one, he gets one, he gets one, I get one. Arnie, do they have snake drafts on Earth? Where you take turns taking snakes? No, so people can divvy up their snakes. It's like if everyone's trying to get trying to divide the snakes from the bag, everybody kind of goes in and takes a snake back and forth, back and forth.

And the last person to pick picks a second time before you go back through the order of picking. Is that strictly necessary when it's two people? You know, it actually I actually think it maybe makes it worse when it's two people, because it's kind of just like we both end up Picking two things back and forth. So it's kind of it right, but at first it's one for the first person So the first person it's worse for the first person. Yeah, can I ask? I only have three coins to my name at the moment just right now

I see porvis you have a bag it says the as your moaning boots could I buy those moaning boots off you maybe what do you go oh I got three coin here what do you even know what kind of coins to it two and a half I see here all right this one says half dollar this one has a picture of a you know what you can Yeah, you can have it. You can have it. Sideways. You can have it. You can have it. I don't want... It says Kennedy. Kennedy? Listen, I don't like bug...

I don't like the sort of haggling thing. You can have it, okay? You can just have it. Honestly, honestly, the boots are pretty annoying. I don't know why you'd want them. Is it like a hot mode or like a sick mode? I don't know if it's actually even what I would classify as a mode. What would you classify it as?

I mean, kind of like a whimper or like something like that. Yeah, it's not great. Let me take him out of the bag here and... Oh yeah, it's like a hurt dog. Yeah. And it happens the whole time you wear them. Man, these boots suck. Can I get my coins back?

You know what, I got so much stuff. Yeah, you can take them in, you can take your coins back. That's nice, that's nice, that boots suck. Can I get my coins back? You know what? I got so much stuff. Yeah, you can take them in. You can take your coins back. That's nice. That's nice. That's nice. Hey, you guys hang out here a lot. Is it kind of boring here sometimes? Because I've got a couple of things that are livin' the place up. Oh, it's very boring. Please help. Check out this thing right here. This one's great at parties. It's more of a prank item. Okay? This is called the Shard of Shards.

And all you gotta do, if you hand this to somebody and they hold it, immediately shard. They'll be at the shop. They'll do it, it's great at parties, it's great at parties. So I have to ask, what if they're not wearing pants? Good for them. Oh, it's not a shard, it's just a shit. Yeah, fair enough.

Wait, does a shard have to be pants related? No, it don't have to be in pants good for them oh it's not a shirt it's just a shit yeah it's fair enough wait why does a shard have to be pants related no it don't have to be in pants you get free shot yeah because shard is shit fart it's not pants fart or pants shit okay it's not the shot so even without a canvas to paint on oh right i didn't think about it like that don't know why i was assumed you had to have pants on uh don't buy the i see see what's going on here. You clearly were taking the items off the champions and at some point clearly Porvis said, buddy come over here, you gotta see this. And then you started to scrounge around and dig through the bodies he was digging through.

Yeah, I got a couple fun ones, you know, like the strong ones, everlasting life, you know, invincibility, all that stuff. Throw one in for the kids, yeah. But then look, we've had shitty lives, nobody wants to hang out with us Nobody wants to have sex with us So kind of we started leaning into some fun things check this one out. This was just called the bag of balloons

You can just pull as many balloons as you want Right for a party. I can't believe no one I can't believe no one would want to sleep with a guy who would cut a woman To make her a seven that doesn't I don't believe no one would want to sleep with a guy who would cut a woman to make her a seven. That doesn't I don't get it Women are crazy. Also, I can't believe the number of people brought these things to war It's kind of like their chests, you know They were playing on using all this stuff. I can think it's all All stuff on and then they had their like fun stuff in the chest for maybe the after party. Although I will say, Wizard battles are fucking nuts, man.

Yeah. Like, like suddenly there's balloons and a whimpering pair of boots and you're like, okay, what the fuck's going on? And it throws you off and you're like just trying to cast an ice spell. And you're like, crazy, I guess now I'm sharting but it's tough it's a tough move in the middle of a battle to be like hold the shard please hey no seriously it's just gotta touch them so you can interrupt a spell I bet because somebody's like you know whatever toss it

at him abracadabra and then it's like if you hit a midway and they shart they're gonna say the wrong thing now Ysador haven't you mentioned before that there was a Olden wizened wizard who is sort of a prop wizard who would bring out a trunk of items Put it on for just a moment and be like oh look at this How about this thing you ever have this like your mother-in-law starts to and he would just put on the different accoutrement For just like a bit or a joke or to yeah to bring the audience to cheers Karol's top the pumpkin, yes. Karathtop, okay.

And he was Jack too, right? Jack, right, ripped, yes. Oh man, maybe this stuff is his. Why, it was in a very funny looking trunk. Right, the stuff that I found was in a trunk that obviously had sort of joke inscriptions on it and also, I'll be honest the body that it was next to was a freak.

Like just the freakiest kind of shaped body you've ever seen. That's why the steroid thing you have makes sense. Wait, what is steroid? Steroid? I don't know, it seemed like it just made my forearm thicker. What's a steroid even? I don't even know. I don't know, it seemed like it just made my forearms thicker. What's a steroid even? I don't even know. I don't even know.

It's like an asteroid, maybe like an asteroid you stare at? Asteroid. Asteroid. It makes you as strong as an astro- As an astroid. That's good thinking, Chunt. You really figured it out. You really just knocked it out of the park there.

Arnie, I can't tell if he's being sarcastic. Yeah. You really figured it out. You really just knocked it out of the park there Arnie I can't tell if he's being sarcastic. Yeah. Oh, I'm not So how long ago was it that you guys found these items? Couple of days ago, you know, yeah, just a couple of days. So, you know, it's obviously to go through So you you're just trying to enjoy yourselves as much as possible before you know in the next week or so You'll probably inevitably be dead. I mean, we don't know what we're doing with these things. Who knows what's... I mean, some of them have to be cursed. You just gotta, if you've had this many, you've got to figure one of them's cursed. I can see Dump's gloves say big dick gloves,

but it has a question mark. I don't want to talk about that one. So that's got to be a prank or something, right? If you were trying to trick someone with those gloves, why would you put the question mark on them? I mean it kind of like the question mark. It kind of was intriguing. All right, you know I was like, oh is this big dick gloves and then you put them on you can't take them off and you dig goes Inside your body. Oh I don't mean to jump in and put the brakes on the fun here But you got you guys don't think we were gonna be in trouble or something taking this. These guys were all dead, right? They were all dead and we just took all their stuff. It's not like...

It's ours. I clearly established, Foonish law indicates that dead bodies may be looted, especially if you are the one who struck them down. You have then right of first refusal. But these are dead, powerful minions of more powerful wizards. So like this stuff probably technically belongs to much more powerful magic users. Oh, they're gonna come after you. But like, they're like reasonable guys, right?

No, no, Tim Tam, she is not reasonable. She is chaos incarnate. Okay. And Spintax is just kind of a prick, to be perfectly honest. Everyone loves Spintax, he's so great. He emulated the wall of fire, big fucking deal. I could have done that, I just didn't want to. I thought it looked cool.

Hey, Paulvis, you might want to get some of these things I got on. Yeah, or like, I mean maybe like, I don't know, you guys look like you got room to take some of this stuff, right? We could just kind of leave some of the stuff Stop some stuff here leave some of it here with you sort of stuff that feels like it might be connected to like the more powerful Magic people any of the things that you looted do they have like a glowing eye in it like something that suggests like it's watching You back. Oh, yeah, there's one that's in the trunk that kind of just like kind of floats right behind me. We had to kind of like. It literally, no matter where you go, it's like.

Yeah, when you're. Yeah, we clamped it down inside of a trunk. We sort of like put a bunch of stuff on top of it and like, and then like sort of took some rocks and put it in a sack and kind of put it under the sack. And then. You said this was a couple of days ago. Yeah, about two and a half.

When you're trying to sleep at night, do you hear something like. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah just so we're not in the tavern with you two. Let's get outside to your carriage. We'll take a quick break and then maybe we can see your carriage. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be nice. That'd be nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aw, Nate, they're screwed.

Welcome to The Offensive Line. You guys, on this podcast, we're gonna make some picks, talk some sh-t, and hopefully make you some money in the process. I'm your host, Annie Agar. So here's how this show's gonna work, okay? We're gonna run through the weekly slate of NFL and college football matchups, breaking them down into very serious categories like No Offense.

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We've covered stories like a Shark Tank certified entrepreneur who left the show with an investment, but soon faced mounting bills, an active lawsuit filed by Larry King, and no real product to push. He then began to prey on vulnerable women instead, selling the idea of a future together while stealing from them behind their backs. To the infamous scams of Real Housewives stars like Teresa Giudice, what should have proven to be a major downfall only seemed to solidify her place in the Real Housewives Hall of Fame. Follow Scamfluencers on the Wendree app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Scamfluencers early and ad-free right now on Wendree+. Cart. Thank you, thank you. Right? You know, I wish more people would put that on the bulletin board, right? They don't talk about how plush the seats are.

Lot of one and two stars, you know? People say, oh, bumpy ride. And it's like, it's a fucking cart. We don't do the roads! You know what I mean? We don't do the roads! If we could, we would, but we don't, right? I wish there was some kind of magic item here that we could use to sort of smooth the roads.

Yeah, rake the roads. That's what we always say. Hey, rake the roads! Now, I know you said that you didn't need a place to stay tonight, but I'm just wondering where you might be staying for the next week or so. Oh, I think we kind of just planned on bopping around. Bopping around?

Yeah, we just gonna bop around. You know, go into a place, you know, meet somebody, sort of get a night, a bed for a night, if you know what I mean. Maybe use the Tickle Talisman. The T what I mean. Maybe use the tickle talisman. The tickle talisman. Tickle talisman. It feels like you're tickling when you're holding it,

but if you put it inside you, it's a whole different thing. It's a whole different thing. Now I think that's a sex thing. Yeah, so that explains why that's the first one that you didn't show us when you were explaining it. Yeah, that one's busy at the moment. Well, I'm just wondering where you might be in the next few days in case, I don't know,

you turn up dead and I just want to take this stuff. Oh, we're not gonna die, you know? We got the everlasting life crown, we've got all this stuff, you know? I'm gonna be full forever it seems like so I'm gonna Look at my forearms, they're bigger than they were when I showed it to you before. I'm gonna be huge in a few minutes So we'll be fine. Already bigger. It's so carfunishly large. Let me ask you this dump When you put on the crown of everlasting life, did it happen to start growing into your skull? Oh, I can't take this thing off No, yeah, not a chance. Not a chance, mate.

You know that, you know, there's always a trick with wizards. They love to like set you up and then pull the rug out from under you. Is this one of those things where it's like the crown lives forever, but it feeds off of the people that it puts in it? Arnie, you got it in one. I've been here too long. Like what? What? What you mean? Like it's going to just like, it's going to like grow into his skull and then it's ground will live forever It's the crown of everlasting life. It doesn't grant everlasting life. It takes your life to continue its own life Like well, so I'd give you here. Let me look closely at it I'd say I'd give don't get to user don't get too close to that crown. Oh, and there's a serial number on it

Looks like it's registered. Yeah, let me let that crown. Oh, and there's a serial number on it. It looks like it's registered. Yeah, let me get my crystal ball and look up this serial number real quick. This looks like a Crown Investor Everlasting Life Pro. So I'm gonna say you've got maybe another week to live. What the fuck are you talking about? There's gotta be a thing that we can do to take it off. Maybe we got a whole bag of things.

Maybe one of these things in here will take it off. Nothing close to the crown is making it invincible. Good point, Oni. Oni was being sarcastic there. You mean like the armor of the forsaken that I'm wearing? Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. Wait, the armor of the forsaken makes I'm wearing. Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. Wait, that makes it, wait, the Arm of the Forsaken makes the Crown of Everlasting

look invincible. Yeah. It's like a proximity thing. It's like synergy between two magic items. That's like perfect. Kind of like your helmet and your bracelet and eating beef. Think of it that way.

Wait, cause I was just going to say, I didn't want to, I didn't want to complain cause I'm not the kind of guy who complains in public, but I've been feeling like my throat's been kind of closing up and like, kind of like, it feels like my body's growing, but it's growing inside instead of outside. Uh-huh. What's, is that like, does this stuff,

is it saying it's gonna make me bigger, but it's like, it's like growing the opposite way, like muscles are going inside? Oh, maybe. Asteroids. It's growing in your ass and tearing are going inside. Oh, maybe. Asteroids. It's growing in your ass and tearing your- Oh, into a void. Into a void.

Asteroids? Asteroids? Asteroids. Wait, you mean to tell me I thought this amulet is the amulet of asteroids? Yes, I think that's right. Here, let me grab the serial number. You, sir, are you ready?

Yeah, yeah, read it off to me. Serial number T are the Zero or no, I can't tell huh you can go faster T Oh, huh, just read the damn serial number the TRV. It's an over zero. Yeah, ask care of boys It's lower. What it is God, I wish you only really need to

Talking about only the one no witness tickle I wish a crime would kill me right now. Are you talking about, I don't even want to know what this Tickle Talisman's doing inside of me right now. No, to be clear, you took invincibility armor off of a dead body. That's a great point, Arnie. That's a good bit of logic. And now that I think about it, the guy that I took this amulet and this bracelet and this helmet from, he was like, kinda like, looked like he'd been turned inside out.

Oh no. I think all of these are prank items. Oh no. Is it possible that these magic users didn't kill each other? They all just accidentally killed themselves. Like I said, wizard battles are crazy. But like, but like, I mean, this great sword, right? Like I showed you guys, I hold this big great sword and I can't be pushed over.

I kind of turn into like, it looks like, kind of like a toy, you know? That kind of like, can't be knocked over. Do your feet feel real heavy? Well yeah, of course, because it's... Is all your weight in your feet now? Yeah, all my weight's in my feet now, of course. Oh, you lifted up your foot, there's roots coming out. Oh no. Oh, you, oh, you lifted up your foot. There's roots coming out. I know.

Oh, you're becoming a tree, dude. Wait, no, no, no, take the sword out of my hand. Don't take the sword out of my hand. I'm not touching that fucking thing. What do you mean? We're gonna die, man. I got my own problems. I got my own problems.

He has dicks in his body. Look, look, look, gentlemen, gentlemen, it's going to be fine. It don't feel like it's gonna be fine. Yeah, it don't feel like it's gonna be fine. I got a crow growing in me skull, me dick's in, saw it out, I got my tickle talisman doing good, and who's watching me eye hole?

Oh my God, are you fucking kidding me with me? Look, maybe it's a small consolation, but it seems like there's no ironic implementation of the shard of shards. I think that was just fun. Yeah, that's just good clean fun. That's a good time. Now, gentlemen, I just want you to say,

whenever someone comes across a great magical boon, of course they're excited. They want to take those objects and learn how to use them and find great personal growth in them. But part of wizards job in this world is to ironically embarrass and abuse people so that they aren't so foolish and they understand and come to love their place

in the world. The world needs people to give other people rides. Fuck you. Fuck you. That's right. You're a fucking wizard. Yeah, we can't even give people rides anymore, using noise.

Seems like we're gonna die, you know? You guys could be a little more, you know, sympathetic to the using noise seems like we're gonna die, you know, you guys could be a little more, you know sympathetic to the situation Dying alone that stupid lesson. I agree that was very condescending of you So there's a be like you're gonna die a horrible death, but you've learned an important lesson from right? That's yeah, right. Thanks. Welcome to being a wizard. No, but the grave don't teach nobody lessons. Yeah. Ooh, now that's, I like that quote.

That's actually great. Well, that's why you're very lucky that you've encountered me, because I can do all of these terrible ills. What, you can undo it? You can fix us? You can make us a- Sure, I can fix you.

You can fix us. Wait, Usador. No, it's, we would be taking on too much risk if they gave all of these powerful, terrible magical items to us. You can't do it, Yusador. You can't do that. You can have them. You can have all of them. Not the shard one. Can I keep the shard one? I want to keep the shard one, Atlee. You can keep the shard of shards. There's a cellar at the bottom of the wanderlust.

I'm just going to need you to offload these items into the cellar and of course tonight you'll stay for free at the wanderlust and you'll have a warm meal in your bellies and then you can go back to your menial lives. Isn't that wonderful? Right, you promised tomorrow you know we're going to wake up and my feet ain't going to be roots in the ground because I don't know if I can move right now Nobody can promise that you'll wake up tomorrow. Why are you backing away? You sir come back. Yes, sir. Come back Talk you gotta save her

We just was regular guys two days ago, okay, this is messed up for you to treat you guys You know, we don't know nothing. You know, that's yeah, we don't know nothing. We just do idiots. All right, we drive We just do know we just drive carriage. All right, it's That's right, you're just two idiots who ride a carriage Isn't that a wonderful thing to learn about yourselves in the most despicable way possible? Yeah, you know, people need that. You know, we need these people who have that job. You know, people need to get from point A to point B. And look, we do our best, but it ain't the smoothest ride in the world.

And we're sorry about that. It's not mainly the road. We got real bumpy wheels. Yeah, you look, we ain't invested in new wheels or axles in a long time, all right? We'll do it now. we'll fix the wheels! Yeah, we'll kill the little animals that live in the wheels, alright? We promise, we'll kill the little animals that live in there, you know, so that it moves more smoothly, you know?

We promise we'll do that! We'll do anything! Arnie, they're in the bargaining stage. As long as you've learned your lesson, that's all I care about. Chunt? Yeah? Get these gentlemen a room and something to drink. Arnie?

Take this over to the bulletin board and post this five star review. Really? Wow. I mean, it's out of ten, but that's still... Yeah, it's five out of ten, but... That's better than any review we've ever gotten, right? Yeah, it is. So, something good...

Can I read it? Can I read it before you put it out there?, right? Yeah, it is. So something good. Can I read it? Can I read it before you put it up there? Sure, yeah, here it is. Wow, five out of 10. Carriage is driven by two guys. That's it. It's beautiful.

That's beautiful. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said about the two of us. I guess we did. And the magical audience to feel pride. No, and it's okay to be tiny when you've got such a big friend. And it's okay to be a big friend when you've got a friend who's tiny. Right, and you-

See Arnie? See Chunt? It's okay to be a tiny friend and a big friend. Right, and it's also okay for your dick to be regular size. Well what's regular? Like just like good enough, you know, it's okay. Like a three? It's okay for it to be a three, alright? It's okay. It is good that your dick goes inside because I didn't find these gloves.

I made them just, I made them to make you think it was magic. You wanted women to see. Yeah. And also I'll say it, it's messed up to rate women on a scale of one to 10 and only that if they're only, if they're seven or above, that's messed up. Yeah, I feel bad about that. It's really messed up.

I feel bad about that. It's about what's inside that counts, Dump. You might know that since your dick's been inside you. It is what's inside that counts. Because my dick is inside of me. Yeah. Well, I think we've had a lot of wonderful epiphanies here today, even more than I expected. So, well done, gentlemen.

Thank you. Thank you. If you just leave all those items in the cellar, we'll certainly keep them confiscated. Yeah. Oh, secret, we'll keep them. And I sure hope you didn't just trick us. No! No, no, no, no, no! I sure hope it's one of the, you know, trick us. No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I sure hope it's not a trick to get all these items from us. Like, on a scale of like really smart and intuitive to not, we're like below the bottom, okay? So like, we are just trusting people, okay? So we hope you take... And Pervis, can I just say thank you for rating yourself on a scale of below? To bottom and not one to ten see they're already they're not just

Practicing yeah, and I just dumped out my moaning boots, and it was there's two puppies. There's a puppy in each Shouldn't do that to puppies I know now and I'm sorry about it, all right? We're sorry. We're sorry for everything. Guys, they seem truly sorry. All right, if you're truly sorry, then all is forgiven. But one last thing I ask of you, I want you to put your hands over your hearts.

Okay. And repeat after me. Okay. Yusador the Blue. Yusador the Blue. Yusador the Blue Yusador the Blue is a kindly and great wizard. Is a kindly and great wizard. Far better than Spintax the Green.

Far better than Spintax the Green. And my life rests in his very hands. And my life rests in his very hands Good you belong to me now and now hold your tongues both of you hold your tongues I'm going to promote you both say I am Sofaking Little boogies. Stupid. Oh no, that was a trick one wasn't it? That was a trick! Got him chump! We got a trick out of all the little stuff I bet!

Oh I bet you put a spell over a root on his feet getting you! I bet you did that! I bet you did that! Sleep! Onnie, I'm gonna come clean. I just took all their stuff. Yeah, I think I thought that was what was going on wait Oh, I'm hungry. You guys need to check into your sleep apnea or something when you guys were breathing through your mouths So loud when you were asleep, they don't call me dumb for no reason because they say when I sleep it sounds like I'm shitting out

my mouth Because they say when I sleep it sounds like I'm shitting out my mouth And they don't call me poor vis for reason for no reason because they look at me and they say poor vis He's real names these my name's Vis It's poor Vis here on he catch the shard Artie Arty, they got a melon pants. That means there's a non-zero chance no one in that episode was wearing pants. And I thought my sleep tonight would be unhaunted. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Poor this, or possibly just Viz, and Dump were played by special guests John Mackey and at from Harry the insufferable Mills. Disagree Gary, you are sufferable. Tasha NaNaNa, Chris Medina, Jesse Carr, Mike Phillips, Destinay, David Edwards, Nachibtum Yang, Benjamin Adam Honeycutt, and E.J. Kenny. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. My name is Georgia King and I am thrilled to be the host of And Away We Go, a brand new travel podcast on Wondry Plus, where we'll be whisked away on immersive adventures all around the world. Where we go, what we do, what we eat, drink and listen to will all be up to my very special

guests. We've got Ben Schwartz taking us on a whirlwind trip around Disneyland. We'll eat a bowl of life-changing pasta with Jimmy O'Yang in Tuscany, Italy. And how do you feel about a spot of sugaring off with Emily Hampshire in Montreal? And Away We Go will immerse you in some of the wonders of the world. We're going to be seeing some yellows and vibrant oranges. And the shoes clicking against the cobblestone. If you're looking to get somebody in the mood, have them look at the Chicago skyline.

You can listen to And Away We Go exclusively with Wondery+. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Georgia, do you know what joy sounds like? I think I'm hearing it right now.