Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 23 - Working Princess (w/ Emily Fleming)

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

A princess has been ordered to work at the tavern, but she doesn't like it. And she has strong feelings about Usidore.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiPrincess Leona of Frogenford: Emily FlemingMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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But first you've got to get through 40 minutes of this. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift that I used to upload a podcast recorded here

in the tavern the Wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Bing bong! How you doing, buddy? Arnie, I am doing very well. I don't know if you've had a chance to sort of sift through the magical horde

we found ourselves in possession of But there's so much fun stuff in here. We do seem to have an embarrassment of riches and magical items after last week Oh, sweetie, don't be embarrassed. I'm just a little on there. You know what I mean? It's just you just don't want to flaunt how many magical riches you have Arnie I saw you wearing the beer muffs earlier. Didn't you enjoy that? I Did but it made me hear everything as if I saw you wearing the beer muffs earlier. Didn't you enjoy that? I did, but it made me hear everything as if I'm drunk. Yeah, beer muffs. It's kind of fun. I guess so.

See how the other half lives. Yeah, I just... It was nice that I felt like everyone was saying validating good things about me, like, keep going, what you're doing is great whatever you're doing do more of that good that's that's a positive and I have been digging outside it a little bit with the salsa shovel every single dig I make with the shovel it turns the sod into salsa oh yeah here's the thing I don't love about the salsa shovel I just don't trust that there's no dirt in that salsa like it's all Yeah, well to be fair. I don't know if it is called the salsa shovel

It turns everything into diced tomatoes, which I guess is not technically salsa not how you sit or mix salsa, of course so I still prefer his version but Yeah, it's just an interesting shovel. I guess we'll just call it the interesting shovel. Okay. Oh, speaking of Ysidor, I'm also joined by my other co-host, Ysidor the Wizard! I am Ysidor, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakas, the elves know me as Feangalic, the dwarves know me as Zonin and Hoogstangjies, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasminius Maestar. And lo, now that these magical items are in our position,

I possess both a brooch of licorice and a wand of licorice. Dumpyard Daddyboy. What, what? Just one of your names I like. Did you freaking? Dumpyard Daddyboy, I don't like, I'm not crazy that's one of your names I like. Did you freaking- Dumpyard Daddy Boy. I don't like- I'm not crazy about that one, honestly.

Did you say Devourer of Chaos? Devour- didn't I? Did I skip one? Oh, maybe- maybe I've been wearing the beer muffs too. Start over! I was- oh, okay. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trokis, the Adulves' Nobius, Fjangalik, the Dwarves' Nobius, Zonin

and Hoogstanges, and I have known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maestar, and everyone seemed to gloss over the fact that I have a wand of licorice and a brooch of licorice. Don't be our daddy, boy. Okay, nobody cares. You're not going to ask me about it, fine. I'm sorry you sir Are you hoping for some follow-up questions? I'd love one. Okay. What's the thing you were talking about? I have a brooch of licorice that when a person wears it it makes them taste like licorice

But I also have a wand of licorice that makes everything you touch it with taste like licorice Now I notice you bit the top and bottom off of your wand and you dumped it into your tankard to drink out of. Uh huh. How's that going for you? Not great. Tastes like licorice. Why are you wearing a brooch that advertises to all the people around you, hey, I taste

like licorice? Well, because then if someone tastes me, they know what they're getting. And there are a lot of amulets and brooches down there in the basement. It's going to take a while to sort it all out and figure out what everything does. But I just got to the licorice section and I was enjoying myself. I like the taste of anise. Yeah, that explains some of the things people have been saying about you at the bar the taste of anise Oh hold on Arnie hold on Arnie hold on Arnie pass me a note Chunt

Please call you store a twizzard Because of the licorice Mm-hmm. What does that mean? Twizzard I feel like the note is self-explanatory. Here's my question Why did Arnie have to pass you that note? Why couldn't Arnie have just said that himself? Yeah, Arnie. Or...

I'm practicing spelling. Okay, well that's great. I think there is a spelling bracer. If you put this bracer on your arm, it helps you spell, it guides your arm as you're writing things out. Yeah, this bracer that I'm wearing here. What are you wearing? the spelling bracer? Yeah, several seasons where I have lightly suggested that maybe I don't know how to read

or write. Well, you know what? That all changes now with this magic bracer. Well speaking of the bar, I want you to know that I've hired... No follow up questions about my magic bracer? Nope, none at all. I've hired someone to help us around here because we're so busy traveling around

in this moving tavern, and I thought we needed someone who could bring some real class to this place. So I have hired a new barmaid. Do you want me to say something? Yes, Leona, come on over, sit down here. Introduce yourself to Arnie and Chunt. Chunt?

Yes, this is Chunt. He's a shapeshifter, but he's usually a bat. I'm sorry. Okay. Sorry, sorry about that. It's fine. I'm Leona, you may know me. You've probably seen my face.

You've been working here today. No, You've probably seen my face on posters, maybe some statues everywhere. I'm Princess Leona of Froggenfort. This is Princess Leona of Froggenfort. Of Froggenfort. No, of Froggenfort. Oh my god. Yes, of Froggenfort. Potted my hat, your majesty, please.

Please forgive me. Listen, we'll work on it. Oh, very well. Yeah, we'll talk about it later, but thanks so much for this employment opportunity. My dad said I had to do it. I crashed his favorite carriage. But in all fairness, I was drunk.

Sure, okay. So, like, what was I supposed to do? That makes a lot of sense to me. I'm often drunk. Thank you. I think that I can tell. Thank you. So, was this a horse-drawn carriage?

That you were so drunk that you got the horses to crash it? What is a horse? You know the big animals in front of the carriage sometimes? I don't really pay attention once I get in there. Wow. Oh, she probably has one of those closed carriages. Cause like it's not about me, what's outside of it. You know, I leave that to, it's not my business, you know?

Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Well, I'm so excited to have you working here. Arnie, Princess Fiona, Princess Leona of Froggenford. Are you okay? I'm great. Oh, it's one of the most famous princesses in all of the realms of food.

Well, get it together, okay. Oh. Lucidor, get it together, get it together. Hey, hey, you smacked me in the face with your wand. Come on, man. Sorry it together, okay. Oh. Usador, get it together. Hey, hey! You smacked me in the face with your wand. Come on, man. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You can take a deep breath.

Don't be our daddy, boy. I think this is going to be a wonderful character building opportunity for you. That's, you sound like my dad. Did he tell you to say that? Because that's all he said. Oh, is your dad really old? No, he's like 40. We don't live that long in Froggenfurt, just so you know.

But I don't know, what is a long time, if you think about it. Well, I am oer 350 years old. Gross. Thank you. It's really gross. So Leona, I'm excited. So your father is punishing you and making you work here, which you know, that's a recipe for a good employee, I'm sure. But tell me, do you mind me asking you a little bit? How is I apologize, I'm not as

familiar with frog. All of you take forever to say stuff. That is true. The guy was very... you take forever to say stuff? Like, it's true. Disagree. It doesn't take me but a mere second to make my point clear. I called you out. So I just like to ask a question. But I like to hide a bunch of caveats within that question. So I like to pepper in three or four. What is a caveat?

Hmm, boy, do I even really know what a caveat is. I know caviar. I know that one. Oh. Is it like that? Yes, I'd like to know more about that. Ugh. Ugh.

Yeah. Oh, shit. Ugh. Listen, you guys just give up the ghost and let me do whatever I want. It's gonna make things run a lot smoother for you in this summer. Did she just think that we should all just die? Oh, let go of my dad?

No, just let me do whatever I want in here. I'm sorry, Leona. We can't let you do whatever you want. We need certain tasks to be completed. Like you have to serve ales to customers and bring food out to the tables and sweep and mop and clean up after people. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm so sorry, there's this royal scroll here in the tavern from your father.

Well what the royal scroll does not tell you is I am allergic to soap. So do you mop the floor with soap? Yes, of course we use soap. Yeah, I can't do that. That wouldn't be in there, because they don't want people to know that the royals have allergies,

because it would make us seem weak. But you get it. Please be discreet, we have to be discreet. So do you use a number of perfumes and other things to cover your odor odor since you can't use soap and to bathe? Oh, my God. How do you bathe? You sore pervert. What? Is there HR in this tavern?

Oh, a huge reptile. I can go find one. Yeah. But there's one sitting right behind you. But I have to warn you. What? That huge reptile is a horrible pervert. Which where? Right behind Chunt, there's a huge reptile, HR.

Is he single? Oh, I don't know. I have not dated anyone outside of the castle my whole life. Rick, Rick, Rick, are you single? No. Rick is not single, sorry. Well, this is really disappointing.

I thought I would be meeting guys. Well, there are other huge reptiles coming here. Just Rick happens to be here right now. Listen, it doesn't have to be a reptile. Don't think you know me. Just because I like one. You just asked about him. I thought maybe he was your type. I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know. Wow. Sorry. So you're saying it doesn't have to be a reptile, it just has to be someone that's huge. It just has to be someone who's single at this point. I don't know. Ah, a size princess. Oh, Arnie Jinx!

Jinx! Oh, fuck. I don't know. What did I do? What did I do? I'm sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm sorry to interrupt.

But I just want to know, you never answer the question. How do you bathe? I think we've moved on. Okay, I haven't. You haven't? No, I tend to get fixated on things. Okay, well, once again, it seems like it. Damn.

Anyway, you have to offer me something in order to get that information. Oh. All I ask is you let me do whatever I want in this tavern for as long as I'm here. What do you want from me in order for me to get what I want? But that's not a job. You want that information? Is that it?

No, no. We pay you to do certain tasks and then we give you money in compensation. But today you're on a podcast. And it's really pretty. I keep it in a little jar. And I look at it. The money and I go, that's what that looks like. That's what money looks like. I don't need to know what it looks like. Do you understand what I'm saying? You have no need of money. I own you. Because you're- you own me?

Oh yeah. I own you. No one owns Yusador! No, no, no. Listen. The minute you ask me how I bathe- Oh my god, we have two witnesses right here. You are fucked. Yeah, you did say that, Yusador. She- She said Yusador was a dessert! I own your bar now!

Shit. Yeah, well. Listen, you should just, I mean, you've learned your lesson this time. Let's see how many more things you fuck up. I cannot wait. Let's take a break, Ysidor, before you say anything else that might get us in trouble here. We'll be right back with more of her royal airness, Princess Leona. Is anyone gonna say my name so I'm unjinxed? And Arnie, and Arnie, yes, sorry.

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But it seemed like a natural follow-up question because she said she can't use soap. So I just said, well then how do you bathe? Yousidore, you are no longer allowed to ask anybody, especially anybody that works here, how they bathe. That question is off the table. Fine, fine, fine. I know it's one of your top five favorite questions.

It's not, it made perfect sense in the context. Hey, what are you guys talking about? Liquorice. Yes, would you like to lick me? I taste like liquorice. Oh, use it or no. Use it or. What? Wow.

It is amazing. I'm gonna pretend that you didn't say that because you're making it too easy to fuck you over. And it's why I'm gonna survive this experience. Because I don't know, because character building can be in a bad way too. I don't know if people know that. I'm building character

It's just not what y'all want it to be Leona can I ask have you been punished by your father to have jobs? Before no, this is the first one. This is your first employment experience at all. I mean I have Hobbies I do things what sort of things do you like to do? I Really like buying stuff. Okay. That's fun.

I saw out front your dad's credit card. It seems to be a card attached to your carriage with all the gold and jewels and treasures. Oh yes. Have you ever maxed out your father's credit card? Listen, sometimes I steal other people's credit cards. Whoa. Because people aren't paying attention and that's not my problem. Like, you have to be aware.

You have to hire the right type of firewall of people to watch your credit card. Well, if you don't have their pin, because if you don't have their pin that connects them to the horses, then without the pin, the credit card is probably useless. If you run it as credit, you don't have to have it. Shit. I, you shouldn't, I hope no one takes my credit card because if you go too fast, you'll exceed the limit. You do not have a credit card.

What? I swore I did. I've looked for it. So I was gonna steal it, and then I can't even a credit card. What? I swore I didn't. I've looked for it. So I was gonna steal it, and then I can't even steal from you, and it's like, you are the worst. Why, many people think I'm the best. At what? Use it or don't get into an argument with disaffected youth.

You're gonna lose every time. No, I'm genuinely interested. Like, what are you good at? What do you love? What are you love? What are your passions? Birds and rocks. I love that.

Oh yeah. Oh my god. Birds and rocks are my main thing. Really? Oh yeah. Do you think that the birds talk to the rocks? Because I do, but based on like what time of year it is, there's different type, like everyone is represented by a bird and a rock at different parts of the year.

That's so beautiful. Yes, I've had many conversations with birds and rocks, and I know that they can converse with one another. What month were you born? I was born in Fleabuary. Oh, you're a Cardinal, I see that. Yes, yes, because I was brought. Fleabuary. Oh, you're a cardinal. I see that. Yes, yes, because I was brought into the world by a conspiracy of birds that insisted there be a champion. What do you think of that?

Well, that doesn't, it's not accurate with your chart, but you know, you do you. Okay. So Leona, what's your bird and rock. Oh. So I was born in Aberktyna the 14th. Sure. So I am a bald eagle. Oh. But not just a bald eagle, it's like a bald eagle with a chihuahua in its mouth.

Oh. Wow. So I think people say that that means I'm difficult to work with. Yeah, sounds like I just think I'm very passionate about what I do. Well, the thing the thing about being a bald eagle is that many people believe that, yes, they are difficult to work with. But many people also believe that someday they'll tear apart that chihuahua and wear it as a little tutupe and become a little easier to work with. Tutupe? Yes, tutupe.

Cool. I like you. Oh, you like me now? You've totally changed. Oh, thank you. I mean, listen, this is a good start. This is like you've come back around. Okay. But like, I mean, I'm not like all in yet.

Okay. You're still gonna let me do whatever I want. We do need to pay you to do particular tasks around the tavern. I'm afraid I can't. No, no, no, we've already negotiated. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna tell you how I bathe. You know. What? Clearly, you're in a bit of a power struggle

with Usador, but to be clear, I own the tavern. What, who are you? Good question. I'm from another world. I happen to own this cursed tavern. But I don't do much work around here. Well, they should have introduced me to you first. Why am I talking to own this cursed tavern. So, but I don't do much work around here. Well, they should have introduced me to you first. Why am I talking to this?

I don't understand that. It is. This is an outrage. Yeah. Leona, do you mind telling me, tell me a little bit about your father? He's king of Frog and Ford. Sure.

Like, what else do you want from me? Well, uh, Ani, I can tell you. Do you want me to be specific? You want me to tell you about my trauma? Oh, uh... You want me to tell you? You don't necessarily owe me your trauma, although sometimes it makes good content.

Okay, then what do you want? Well, what is... Do you have any sibling? What is your... What is... Yeah, what's it like in the Froggin' Ford castle? I don't like talking about my siblings, number one. So don't ever ask me about that again.

Okay. Unless it seems really interesting and then do it. It does seem a little bit interesting. Let's come at this from another angle. It's like a logic problem. What, you love shopping. You love buying things. Yes. What else do you care about?

And stealing credit cards. You don't like your family. So when you're home, what do you do when you're not out shopping? I really like manipulating the people that work for me. Okay. Anyone I can, you know. Because at some point people don't listen to me,

but there's like a level where they have to listen to me and then I have fun with it. And honestly, I think I'm really good at it. Yeah. So like little pranks and things that are funny. Well, I guess you could call it little pranks, but it's just basically I get what I want in different and fun ways.

So like you dump out a jar of preserves and then you snap your fingers and you say, clean that up? I don't know. It's like, have you ever seen that movie, The God of Father Earth? Ani, have you seen that one? I don't know if I'm familiar with that play. Okay, so this guy is an idiot to this other guy who's a who's a badass and he gets mad

and he puts like a horse's head in his bed. Like that's what I'm into. Does that make sense? That's fun. That's a good play. Like terrorizing people is what you're saying. Well, I've never thought about what it's called, but yeah.

Sure. When there's a power structure where you're much more powerful than everyone that works for you and your family, is it really a prime? I'm not that powerful. How do you know you still people? Oh, you're not that powerful.

Well, I mean, that's what I mean. I think I'm getting good at figuring stuff out on my own. It's not just the name Princess. That doesn't get you everything you want. It's making people really, really annoyed and scared of you at the same time. I think that's a lethal combo, don't you think? I mean, you probably have the power to have people executed,

so that's definitely a lethal combo. No, I just have the power to make people want to do what I want very quickly because they don't want to deal with me anymore. And I think it's, I don't know, I think I'm a genius. Oh, you're a self-declared genius. That's impressive. I'm very impressed. But now I think we need you to serve some ale and clean the floors. My god, how many times are we gonna go through this?

Okay, I'll do it one time. Great. We'll pay you one time. Normally I wouldn't care if I'm being perfectly honest, but this decree from your father in the scroll says that if we don't get you to do a good job, we will be killed. What?

Well, it says we'll be put to the sword. And who do you think is reporting back to him about this? Do you see anyone else here? Oh, the huge reptile. Rick, are you working for the king? No. OK. Then I think we're all right. I only know how to say no.

Rick, do you know how to say anything. Rick, do you know how to say any something other than no? No. Damn it. Oh, that just might be the sound he makes. Yeah. He might not be a talking lizard. But he's still not single.

Rick, are you still seeing anyone? No. I think he's single. There we go. Guys, I'm suddenly fascinated by Rick. I'm gonna fuck Rick. Whoa. Whoa. I think you should.

I mean, it seems like a good opportunity. I've never, I don't even know what it is. I've lived in a castle my whole life and I just bully people every day, but like, I hear sex is fun, I don't know what it is. Oh, okay, well. But it seems like a lizard makes sense. Would you guys not agree?

No, I agree wholeheartedly. I believe as long as it's you and the lizard consent to this, it's perfectly fine. Explain sex to me. Huh, well. Explain sex to me. No one will tell me about it. And you have to or I don't know. I don't want to say I'm going to kill you because I'm not I'm going to do worse things. It's going to be really annoying. When two wizards love each other very much. They turn into a pile of

meats. And then they trick each other. Like that. Well, Arnie, why don't you take a shot at it then? Oh boy, well, huh. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable explaining how sex works. He said pile of meats. Yeah. He did. Look, he's a wizard. I'm so sorry, Princess Leona. That is the craziest thing I've ever heard. We have a theory that wizards don't really even know

what sex is, and that might not mean much to you because you don't know what sex is. But think they're really maybe I'm a wizard maybe it could be yeah there's a licorice wand and licorice brooch and when the licorice wand gets excited it casts a spell on the licorice brooch and I'm writing this down for no reason and from there I'm gonna go serve some beers this is really boring. Wait wait wait before you go do that. I just like licorice brooch like ugh. Before you go and go serve beers since you're so interested in Rick would you be interested in going on a date with him and if you enjoy the first date, we're willing to pay

for the second date. What's a date? Well, it's when I know, I know that sex is the thing you're supposed to do, but I don't know what comes before that. And I also still don't know what sex is because you refuse to tell me. Well, the act of courtship takes place when two people or Do I fuck this lizard or not? I think you can. But I would I would suggest sitting at the

table with him and trying to have a conversation to see if you have anything in common first. I'm also going to say the issues of consent with a lizard that can only say no, but we're not sure what that means. It's tricky. You're really right. You know what? This is why you're the smartest person here.

Thank you. Whoa. Yeah. Hang on. That is demonstrably not true. You know what I'm saying. I have decided. You know what I'm saying.

Employee of the month. Employee of the month? Leona. I'm going to the board. Oh my god. Our first ever employee of the month, Leona. I'm going to the board. Oh my God. Our first ever employee of the month. This has been, it is definitively said, employee of the month, no one for months and months,

but now it's Leona. Wow, I've never heard somebody say, you know what I'm saying, then list their bonafides. I've been begging to be employee of the month for months. I bet. I bet it took you forever when you did it. Well, often I would wake Arnie up at the crack of dawn and say, No, this is what I have to say now.

For most assuredly, I have earned the honorarium of employee of the month. And I will add it to my long list of titles, Arnie, for I deserve to be recognized for my great contributions to this wonderful establishment. So I beg of thee, give me this which I so deserve. Now, would you like some breakfast? Can I talk to you for a sec? And then he would roll over and go back to sleep.

Hey, Ysador, can you come over here real quick? I said, you know what? I just wanted you to show you something in this closet. Sure, what? Arnie, Ysadora's in trouble. Arnie, let's put our ears to the door. Whatever you need, your majesty. I love it when you argue with me.

What? I love it when you argue with me. You love it when I argue with you? Yes, I want you to say whatever you want to me whenever you want to. Well, Your Highness, I would never speak out of turn to one of the royal families. Slap!

Oh! But I desperately. Slap! Uh oh! But I desperately. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Please.

John, I don't know if you hear what I hear coming from that closet. It sounds like Usador is masturbating in there. Yeah, it sounds like a slap, slap, slap, slap, slap. Your Highness, while I am becoming aroused by your slaps. Listen, yes, that's the point. So stop talking. Okay.

Okay? Okay. All right, so we're both into this. We're into this, right? Sure. Yeah. I'm game. Cool. Yeah, because I'd rather fuck you than a lizard, okay? Okay. Frank, did you hear that? No. Okay. So like an hour after we close, right?

Okay. Yeah. Meet me by like yonder dumpster? Yes. Oh yeah, the yonder dumpster. of course, I'd gladly meet you up there. The blue one, the blue one for like the things that we reuse, the recyclable. Meet me over there, and then we're gonna... I don't know what we're gonna do, because I still don't know what sex is, because you won't tell me. But, we're doing that! We'll figure it out together. Shut up!

Ow! Look, I just want to remind you that recycling won't save the world. It's also reuse and the other one. Reduce. Also, I just want to check one thing. You're into this whole domination, slappy thing, right? I think so, yeah. OK, that's really important. Good.

See you in half an hour. See you in half an hour. My name is Georgia King and I am thrilled to be the host of And Away We Go, a brand new travel podcast on Wondry Plus, where we'll be whisked away on immersive adventures all around the world. Where we go, what we do, what we eat, drink and listen to, will all be up to my very special guests. We've got Ben Schwartz taking us on a whirlwind trip around Disneyland. We'll eat a bowl of life-changing pasta with Jimmy Oh Yang in Tuscany, Italy.

And how do you feel about a spot of sugaring off with Emily Hampshire in Montreal? And Away We Go will immerse you in some of the wonders of the world. We're going to be seeing some yellows and vibrant oranges. And the shoes clicking against the cobblestone. If you're looking to get somebody in the mood, have them look at the Chicago skyline. You can listen to And Away We Go exclusively with Wondery+. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Georgia, do you know what joy sounds like? I think I'm hearing it right now.

Welcome to The Offensive Line. You guys, on this podcast, we're going to make some picks, talk some s***, and hopefully make you some money in the process. I'm your host, Annie Agar. So here's how this show's gonna work, okay? We're gonna run through the weekly slate of NFL and college football matchups, breaking them down into very serious categories like No Offense. No offense Travis Kelce, but you gotta step up your game if Pat Mahomes is saying the

Chiefs need to have more fun this year. We're also handing out a series of awards and making picks for the top storylines surrounding the world of football. Awards like the He May Have a Point Award for the wide receiver that's most justifiably bitter. Is it Brandon Iuke, T Higgins, or Devontae Adams? Plus on Thursdays we're doing an exclusive bonus episode on Wondery Plus where I share my fantasy football picks ahead of Thursday Night Football and the weekend's matchups. Your fantasy league is as good as locked in. Follow the offensive line on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can access bonus episodes and listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.

Well, Onnie Chunt, time to shut down the tavern. What? Yousido, the place is still gonna be open for hours. I don't think so. I think we need to wrap things up, call the night. I see what's happening. Yousido, we heard three slaps and then about a minute and then a fourth slap and then about a minute and then a fifth slap.

So clearly you're masturbating. Look, Yousido, I know you're upset. I feel like Leona has gotten under your skin a little bit. And you just, you two just hate each other so much that you want nothing more than to end this day and be gone. Why are you chuckling for such an extended period of time? Just disagreeing with what you said there. Nothing to worry about. I simply think that, you know, we've made enough money tonight, and

I'm sure these tavern patrons are simply tired of drinking and eating and making merry and would like to just go home and make it, you know, have a nice night, cozy night at home. Doesn't that sound fun? Stop doing that with your wand. How are you not gagging? Look, I just want you to know that I value you as a friend, but mind your own fucking business. All right, you're just, you're being weird, I guess. Am I being weird right now? Is he being weird? He's being weird.

This is weird. He's being weird. It's just that I get tired and I think I should just cut off all my events at 8 p.m. What do you think about that? I mean, you are getting old. You are getting old. So, you know, if you need to like stop working earlier do you think about that? Hmm. I mean, you are getting old. You are getting old. So, you know, if you need to like stop working earlier in the day, that's fine.

If I start work, stop working a little earlier, I think I can keep doing the job. And I think I'm the man for the job. Look, you Sidor, I think I see what's going on here. You've got what we on Earth call a half cheers. You've got a half salmon and Diane situation going on. You know, basically you and this Sam and Diane really just hate each other so so much. But there's nothing else going on. You just really hate each other.

Well then, may I confide in you? Sure. Quickly, meet me under the table. Okay, yeah, I'm not breaking the mic, so. What? What's going on? Chunt, Arnie, I think I'm... Oh, I didn't realize Chunt wasn't there.

Oh, sorry, Chunt's not down here. Yeah, yeah, I'm coming down. I think perhaps, I think perhaps there's more happening than you realize. I think so too. I think I saw Rick go upstairs, And after he goes upstairs, I assume next season he'll be recast with like a younger guy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, Rick was very good in his day. But you know, sometimes people move on. No, I think that the perhaps Princess Leona has some affection for me.

And since I am currently unattached and so angry at Genelevia the Red, I think this might be a real opportunity to meet her out behind the dumpster. Whoa, Usador. Whoa, Usador. That's, wait, that wasn't a euphemism, that was just literally where we're meeting later. So you're gonna go dumpster diving and wink wink? I don't get it. I guess I don't either, I just heard that said.

You can't just say wink wink at the end of anything, you know, it means something. I don't know, give it a try. Oh yeah, wink wink. I get it. Whoa, whoa, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, my head.

I'm saying that dumpster diving joke. Was the joke that my pussy is a dumpster? Cause that's hilarious. Cause I actually like, you know, I'm cooler than you think I am. I get it. I get it now. Good one, Chunt. All right.

Well, I've been waiting by the dumpster to like, fuck. I'm so sorry. You've got a full cheer situation going on. I apologize. Anyway, no one will tell me what've got a full cheer situation going on. I apologize. Anyway, no one will tell me what it is, but I think I get it. I think I get it too. I think between the two of us, we've got it.

There were a couple of dire wolves out back, and I was like, oh yeah, that's what that is. Okay. And I think I get it now. Are you? So bend over. Okay. Is that it? Is this it? No, I don't think I get it. Ask Chunt. No, this doesn't look right.

Okay. Chunt, we are so close to what's happening right now. Chunt, will you come out back with us? What are we, like, can you just show me, like, what, like, like, you know, like, think about it? I can coach you through it. Yeah, have Chunt. Like a science experiment. Right. Or if you don't coach him think about it. Coach you through it. I can coach you through it. Yeah. Like a science experiment. Right.

Or if you don't coach him through it, woody him through it. Or like, ye olde Tetris, like how they like made stuff fit together. You know what I mean? This is like what I'm asking about. Oh, that was a fun game. Because I don't get. Oni, have you ever played ye olde Tetris? Have we ever shown you that?

No. Yes, it was, it was, they made peasants move these big blocks and try to fit them together. Took up a whole field. Uphill. Uphill. Yeah. It was crazy. But fun.

And the peasants who did well disappeared forever. It's true. Well, I mean, that's like, do you want Yield Tetris or not? Like... Yeah, let's go, let's go, Let's go back. I'm sorry on you. We being rude Do you want to come watch too? No? No, I'm okay Arnie didn't you're welcome to come Mary and cheers did Sam and Diane fucking a dumpster? Look, there's so many episodes And sometimes I get maybe it was maybe Diane maybe

Yeah, I'm not sure. Hey, hey, I can hear you. Uh-huh. It's by a dumpster. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. My apologies. Let's keep it classy.

Yes. Thank you. But honestly, I just want to tell you something. I'm putting all this pressure on like doing this thing for the first time that I don't even like, I don't even really know what it is, but I've been told it's cool. But I like you. Well, I. Like, I think you're special. I like you too. And I've liked you ever since you got mad at me for saying I shouldn't ask you how to bathe.

I was so wet for that. What? That makes perfect sense. That works? Is this why you always ask that question? Now I just want to know how you don't use soap. I understand that you get wet. That makes sense. That's how you bathe.

Well, nothing in the history of this show is more mind-boggling to me than the do you bathe line is working. Oh, yeah. It's I'm so into that. But I will, of course, I'm going to tell you how I bathe. But then I'm going to tell you how much I love you, but then I'm gonna disappear forever because this is just not gonna work.

You get it, you get it. I can't like, I can't fall in love with some guy who isn't even the boss of the tavern where I enter. Well, I'm sort of the boss of quests and adventures. No. Listen, I'm in love with you, and I know exactly what you are, and it's fine. You are fine how you are, it's just like, I can't. Okay.

Anyway, I've been putting a lot of pressure onto the physical stuff, I think. Yeah, I mean, I've also fallen in love with you. I think it's best. What? Really? Yes. Obviously, you took me into a closet and struck me.

That was fun. It was fun. We've had a wonderful time today. Yeah, I know. But you were saying you can't stay? Why can't you stay here forever? Oh, come on. You knew that this is not a forever thing, right?

This is like a closet diddle and done. Like, this is like, you know... I did know. You know. I just hoped that we would make it out to the side of the dumpster before it was over. This really is a full cheers. I'm glad that the closet is kind of, place because it's a lot more romantic than the death stir or anything. I do, Leona, and I want you to know that though my heart doth now break in twain, I shall

always look back upon thee with not but the fondest of memories. What is with that accent? I'm so sorry to butt in. And I know this isn't about me, but I am still under this table with you. I didn't see you. Yeah. Hi, this is me. Hi. Maybe this will make it easier, Leona, if you just say to you, Sidor, I'm just going to be gone for six months.

I'm just going to go and then I'll be back and we'll be together then. I'm just gonna be gone for six months. I'm just gonna go and then I'll be back and we'll be together then. I'm sorry. Yeah? Are you mansplaining how to manipulate men? Oh, wow. Arnie, yeah, I can't see you. Can you raise or crane your neck?

Yeah. Like, you don't think I know everything you're saying. I'm choosing a different technique today. Okay. I don't have to do the easiest one. Sorry. I was just trying to bring things more in line without cheers. I was just trying to keep things. I'm sorry because I don't know cheers. Wait, which one's Arnie? Which one's Arnie? You said I can't tell them apart. Anyway we're not gonna bang, okay? But it's like, it would be fun. I get it.

I think I'm putting a lot of pressure onto it and I'm being really weird, but I'm madly in love with you. I wanna have your babies and I'll never see you again. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Also, I bathe by like ducks. They swallow holy water and they spit it into my armpits.

Goodbye forever. She's crawling out from under this table so slowly. God, it's slippery. It's now she's pulling out a duck and she smacked Usador in the face with a duck. I'm sorry about that. That's not I didn't do that on purpose. But it's funny. It was still fun. OK. All right. OK. Bye. Goodbye. Wow. Usador, you didn't make her come,

but you made her go. Have a good life. Ysador, she's gone, she didn't hear that. Do you wanna go? I know, I say it after she leaves. I say it after she leaves, that's the whole point. Do you want me to go run and get her, or? No.

It just seemed like she couldn't hear that. Well, I think I lost I think I was a do you guys see A wand charger in here. Oh, yeah Here's a wand charger. I I have a couple that I have a lot of these sitting around You can just have one but is it for a wand plus or like a ten? Oh, let me see plus or like a 10? Oh, let me see. Uh, let's see, we've got, got a magic dash C, a magic dash C mini. Why do they keep changing the chargers for these wands?

I don't know. It's just to make money, I suppose. Why does a princess need a wand? And I'm a princess, I'm not even a wizard, but I have a wand. Run up your credit card. All right, cool. Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come back in.

That's okay. But. I'll love you forever. You're so beautiful. You're so beautiful. You're so beautiful. Okay, bye! Bye.

Oh, smacked you in the face with her wand. It was a magic wand, I guess, so she doesn't need you. Okay, now. Have a good life. No, she can't hear you. No, no, damn it, Chunt! Let me go grab her. Don't grab her!

She can't. What the fuck is with it? Nevermind. Listen, I did, oh God, it was so perfect and you just ruined it. Right, Chunt, just let her go. Now we have to start over. All right, Ani, start over.

Hello from the Magic Tower. All right, okay, let's do it faster. I love you, I think you're hot, blah blah blah, I can't be with you. I'm not gonna fuck you, goodbye. Goodbye, have a good life. Okay, right, I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Okay, I'm gonna go first. Okay. Okay, okay, I'll go first. Okay, you go.

Okay, alright. Okay, I love you. I love you. You sir, I think you should say, no I'll go first. Like, like she wants you to argue with me. Oh, me? Yeah, like I'll go first. I'll go first. I love you. I love you too. Have a good life. Ew. What? Guys, I'm gonna go jerk off by the dumpster. Yeah, no, Arnie, I'll come with. That's weird. Why is that weird? Have a good life?

That sounds like someone you're about to murder. No, I know you're not coming back, and I want you to be happy and have a fulfilling existence, even though you're... Okay, okay, alright. I see that that was your intention, but it wasn't good, so try it again. Just to be clear, I only bathe in thunderstorms. Say have a good life, but like better. Have a good life.

No, in different words, oh my god. Oh, in different words, very well. Now I see that we would never work out. We would never work out. You're hot, I wanna fuck, but no. Okay. Okay, bye. Bye. I did have fun. I did have fun I did have fun I had fun too hey Arnie slap slap slap slap slap slap hey Arnie slap slap

slap slap slap is this is this like Cheers slap slap slap slap slap slap a little bit a little bit. A little bit. Really, everything's like Cheers a little bit. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae. Princess Fiona of Frog and Ford was played by special guest Emily Fleming. Check out Emily's movie podcast, free with ads, available wherever you get your podcasts. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Sophia Pardo, Rob Chamberlain, Kyle McCullough, John Nesmith, Matt Almond, Sabrina Celeste, Brandon A in

Colorado, Rachel Franklin, Judy Jordan, Andrew Kinch, and Queen Heather Welliver and her pathetic manservant Russ Greenberg. They wrote all that, I'm not editorializing. Although I am strangely aroused. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode where Arnie Matt and Adol do some non magic tavern improv But the problem is that that vibrator or dildo has a Tasmanian devil on it Well, I mean it makes you go

Guys am I giving too much inspiration for things maybe you go in there no no you go you go you go I can't go I can't trouble I'm so I'd be so embarrassed. I can't Let's go. Okay. Let's just go to I'm sorry. I see you kids lingering outside my store. Okay, it's okay Yeah, you can come on in here. You're look to be clear you you you look like you're at least 18 years old, correct? Yeah, yeah Well, come on into the dildo store. We'll just go in together. Uh, so...

I already have so many dildos. Should I, um... I just, what do you get for the guy who's got everything? To hear the rest, that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adil Rafai. Post production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Sage GC. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hey, it's Guy Raz here, host of How I Built This, a podcast that gives you a front row seat to how some of the best known companies in the world were built. In a new weekly series we've launched called Advice Line, I'm joined by some legendary founders and together we talked to entrepreneurs in every industry to help tackle their roadblocks in real time. Everybody buys on feeling, guy, like everybody. So if you don't give them the feeling that they're

looking for, they're not gonna buy. A lot of times founders will go outside of themselves to build a story and you can't replicate heart. You know I think we all have a little bit of imposter syndrome which isn't the worst thing in the world because it doesn't allow you to get overconfident and think that you're invincible. Check out the advice line by following How I Built This on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to how I built this early and add free right now on Wondery Plus.