Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 24 - Knight & Sword (w/ Brendan Jennings & Mark Raterman)

Episode Date: September 2, 2024

Popular influencer knight Sir Diggity visits with his mystical talking sword.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiSir Gawain Diggity: Brendan JenningsThe Mystic Sword of Caldou: Mark RatermanCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Benji KayMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you're looking for a new football podcast to keep up with the latest action from the NFL and college football this season, tune into the Offensive Line, hosted by yours truly, Annie Agar. We talk more than your fantasy group chat, so buckle up and join me for a good laugh all season long. Watch the Offensive Line on YouTube and listen on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, I'm Dak Shepard.

And I'm Monica Padman. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondry Network. So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube. Hey, don't be alarmed. This is Craig filling in this week on the main feed with a brand new Magic Tavern episode.

The mysterious man is busy doing something mysterious. If I know him, he went for a spontaneous bread-o-cure. It's like a pedicure, except instead of getting your nails done, you eat bread. Anyway, you're in good hands with me. Enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of FUNE. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into

the magical, fantastical land of FUNE. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern the Wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Hey, baby. Hey. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Is that how I respond to that? Arnie, please. I'm trying to talk to someone at the bar.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm set up in the bar today. Are you okay? Oh, you are putting the moves on. Okay, cool. Is it all right though? If I just record you putting the moves on this person. No, I think that makes me look cool

because they don't know what a microphone is. Yeah, in this world, they still think men with podcasts are good, have good dating potential Yes, Oh Arnie will you be my? talent man Yes What is that? I mean? I know I? Immediately made an assumption about what that meant, but I think I'm gonna need you to explain it just in case sure

So if you picture like an Eagles foot You know it can grasp, but the talons, they have talons and those help sort of like secure whatever they're grabbing onto. Explanation of the talon part of it. Yeah. What's the metaphoric like, you want me to grab this woman and hold her? No, oh no, no, no, no. She heard you and she's walking away.

Oh hey, oh hey, oh sorry baby. There's got to be a better name for that talon man. Yeah. No, no, no, no. And she heard you and she's walking away. Hi, oh hey, Mel, sorry baby. There's gotta be a better name for that. Talon Man. Yeah, Wing, Wing, Dude. Wing, Arnie, I'm a badger. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Arnie, how are you doing?

I'm doing okay. It's nice setting up here at the bar for once. Usually we're over at that table over there, but being over here is a little bit more where the action is. Yeah, we're in the thick of it. Look at all this. It's so wet.

Is it OK if your laptop gets wet? Oh, that's probably bad. That's probably bad. Should we move back to our table? Yeah, OK. OK, sorry. Usador! Yes?

We're doing the podcast. Right, I'm at the table. Oh, shit. This look, let's make him feel like he was wrong. Uh, okay. Alright, I guess we'll do it at the table for once. Ugh. Usually we do this at the bar.

What do you mean? Don't we usually do it at the table? Every week we're at the bar. We say this very ball. Yeah Well anyway, I am joined by I'm pretty sure we are at the table What's that? I'm pretty sure we were at the table for Nine and a half years. Well, let's bar this conversation Arnie. Let's bar it for another time exactly All right

Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself. My other co-host, Ysidor the Wizard. I am Ysidor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakas. The elves know me as Fianyalek, the dwarves know me as Sonnen and Hoogstengis,

and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasminius Maystar. Dumpyard Daddyius Maystar and Lo in these dark and uncertain times. And Lo? Where wizards amass power and form city-states, we must rise up and make sure that the world is safe for freedom and hope and beauty. Arnie, I caught a new name. Did you catch that? What?

He said his usual names and then he said, and low. Oh. I've never, I never really caught that one before. Low. Low. Yeah, who calls you low? Who calls you low? Well, I'm known to many of the dieters

and food is sweet and low. Ooh. That's splendid. The dieters are real flirty with you. Have you never noticed that? I have noticed that. And I find them quite becoming. So, Chun and I have been doing a thing

where he'll pay attention to the first half of what you say and I'll pay attention to the second half. The thing I latched onto in the second half of what you said was the wizards are creating city states? Oh yes, amassing power and becoming more and more authoritarian in their ways. It's despicable the way they have composed themselves. I'm embarrassed that I was ever a part of their order. In fact, I shall make a pact with a League of Dragons and with Seven angels to ensure that food is safe for the rest of all time

Fucking rules a League of Dragon and seven angels. How much how many is a league? 20,000 21 21 thousand or 21 to just 21 so seven dragons 21 Okay, can you go over 21 dragons or is that a bust like if you try and crawl them all a league is an up or down? It's a cross. Well, you have to get a league is you have to get a group of 21 so if you have two leagues that'd be 42. No I know how that works I know how math works. If you had other numbers I mean I guess you could imagine dragons if you wanted different numbers of things but uh guys I don't say this often. I wouldn't do that. I don't say this often I'm so

sorry. Can we please stop talking about this? Oh Wow, that's a good idea. You should say that all the time. I know Arnie putting the what's the word? He uses kibosh on this. Wow, that's crazy. Well, yeah, let's bar it Let's bar the conversation for another time just getting math heavy and I was almost starting to assort in it I was tempted to ask like municipal questions about what a city state is But you know, maybe we should just get to our guest. I he was recommended highly to me Apparently he's very famous and that could maybe bump up our cred a

Food side. Oh, there are a lot of people at the bar swarming around someone. Yeah, let's see Let's see if we can bring bring him over here. He's a knight. So be cool. Okay I think those are important. We haven't had many nights on the show. Okay. All right. Yeah, okay Excuse me, sir, sir night. We're ready for you if you're ready for us Whoa, look at this gnarly old man. That is a rockin' beard, my dude. Oh, thank you. I brought it myself.

And a little talking bear. What's up? Give me some steel. And a giant talking bear. What's up, man? Man gamma, that's fair. I've been called worse. Close enough.

Oh, look at you guys freaking out. Can't believe it. Yup. Whoa, he is cool. He's sitting on his horse backwards yeah oh yeah it's the only way to ride it man otherwise you got their heads all bopping up into your nethers what I mean that's strange makes sense and it really thought about it otherwise you're right it from the back baby it seems like all

these young people in the bar this evening are very enthralled with your presence. Oh yeah, that's right. They all came out to see the diggity! Woo! Oh, diggity. I'm not familiar with this night. Sir, sir, diggity. We usually don't have that many young people in the tavern. It's usually kind of old sad drunks. Yeah, this is a party here. The babes are out. I want to thank you guys for having me on whatever this thing is. This is gonna be great. Oh, yeah, this is Sir, this is a podcast

It's it's sort of hard to describe. It sort of goes up into the air and then almost like pollen spreads throughout the land. Oh Wow, nice. Well, I am excited to be the bee that is me my name is Sir Galwayne Diggity and, oh, hold on a second. This thing is jangling like crazy on my side. He won't shut up. Okay, is it okay if I pull my sword out? He wants to say something?

As long as you're not going to attack us, that's fine. As long as it's not a euphemism. No, no, no, no, man. That's all under a bunch of steel, you know what I mean? It's an actual talking sword, is what I'm trying to say. Sure, yeah. All right, take a look at this guy. Here we go.

Ah! What? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! What do you want, man? I'm trying to be with the people.

You're bugging me, jingling and jangling around because I'm hungry Can you feed me please? please Guys sword eats sir Galway, oh well What a sword eats is a little thing we like to call blood blood through all of us Either any of these three buffoons will do just stab one of them Please and I can go back to not it There's these are friends man you only stab foes yeah

I need to go on another adventure or something cuz he is starting these grouch you only stab foes I don't I don't discriminate just to stab him in the gut that won't hurt This is my awesome magical sword. People say he's the reason I am as great as I am. I like to differ because I think I'm pretty awesome regardless, but ladies and gentlemen, meet the... Oh man, he has like a really cool name and I always forget it.

I just call him Cladders. My name is the Mystic Sword of Kaldu, the former sword of the great knight Sir Tartun Nobleback at his service, sadly. But yes, gaze upon me. Sir Tartun Nobleback? Yes, that's true. Oh Arnie, the tales of Sir Nobleback are well known throughout Foon. I tried to bring him into my quest, where it must have been nearly a hundred years ago now. And he turned me down outright. He said he was too busy defeating demons from the seventh level of hell.

Oh, he was a giant snore man. You know, he would never, never like be with the babes. He took some vow or something like that. I'm like, why are we doing this if not to slay babes? I will cut your tongue. Say no more. Say no more. No, Dr. Tartun is a hall of famer.

He's a legend. Clatters, I want to apologize. You were in the middle of saying your full name and you sort of interrupted you and I Know I know this show before I was gonna say Arnie and I have never done that he said or Clatters did we did you have any more to your title to your name first of all my name is not? clatters That that's what I don't care. that's what diggity calls me my apologies I prefer the mystic sword of Kal-Do and I was referring to Sir Tartoon noble

back beyond that you can call me the mystic sword of Kal-Do. It's a mouthful my man we got to shorten this thing the world is about what can you what can you consume quickly in your ears right people remember diggity people remember clatters everything else you just said I The world is about what can you consume quickly in your ears, right? People remember diggity. People remember clatters. Everything else you just said, I forgot it already. Boring. Speaking of mouthful, if you could just plunge me into one of their guts, that will not kill

them, truly. That's the easiest thing to fix. Hey, big boy, you look like you're packing a lot. You mind if I nip a finger don't giant talking bear Wait, you're asking you look you say I'm looking like I'm packing a lot of fingers Is that talking to any of us? You know, it looks like you're packing a lot of the red stuff Well, are you back on the red potion? Well, no, I wish I wish no, but I do have a lot of blood That's what you're saying. I think I need it all for most of it

What about a tip fingertip little munch on a tip you sort of is there anybody evil? I mean look we probably don't want to make like any Just immediate assumptions, but like you know Somebody that he can stab There are some orcs that have been coming in every night, and they keep taking Rick's lunch box. No, not not orcs, not orcs. Not orcs. Yeah. I mean, I prefer he eats a lot. Yeah, that's all we get.

It's OK. When's the last time you ate clatters? I kind of forget the last time we were out and about. Yeah, I mean, it feels like a millennia. I mean, I'm millennium. I don't know. It's been a long time. I'm so hungry. So sorry Yeah, I've been kind of like Really going from tavern to tavern promoting my brand new mead. It's kind of like an energy mead

Yeah, I got this in here. Everybody take a nice. This is a handcrafted barrel that I've made these myself How about that? This is choice I've made these myself. How about that? This is choice Sure number one meat in the world. Well, sir. Gowing diggity. How do you find time to brew your own ale? Betwixt your many adventures. You must be going on many adventures to be so free. He doesn't he outsource is tell him He doesn't make he doesn't make it himself Enough of that clatter. Why the clatters? Why we always had each other's throat on this thing? Here's the thing, you're right, I've got to be on adventures a lot of time. Have I maybe outsourced the making of this delicious energy mead to some small villagers for a low, low price?

Maybe, but I'm not going to stop promoting something awesome or having it done at a low low price while I Continue to go out and spread the great name of galway and dignity CHO Y ZE choice. Yeah, what do you think about that? That was my that was my choice on the choice name Uh, I think this will only mean Something to people who have listened for quite some time Arnienie, this tastes like blue perfume, I want to say. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm not sure this is... Yeah, it gets you right in the tongue.

I wouldn't drink this. I wouldn't assume that I'm supposed to drink this. One, do you feel like you're having fun? Two, do you feel your energy going up? I feel like I'm dying. That's awesome. You're supposed to let him answer the first question before you give him the second question Clatters oh I have two questions for the Mystic sort of Caledon Caledon Caledon

Cows do two questions for clatters one is can you just like stab up? I don't want to insult you Can you stab a plant will that still kind of? plant? Will that still kind of the... A plant? She point to a plant that has blood in it. My man. A, no. I thought you were gonna say like an animal. Yeah, I, you need an animal.

Okay, just thought maybe like a bead or something. What about giant lizards? Yeah, sure. Giant lizards are good. See, here's the thing. If he doesn't want to kill the orcs that are taking Rick's lunch money, maybe we just kill Rick.

No. There you go. Hey, remove the problem. You're smart old one. I like this guy. Oh, grandmasies for thine abulations. You are very cool, man. Does it have to be blood? Like, could it just be a... I won't name specific ones, but could it just be another bodily fluid? Oh Are you asking if he does water play? I'm not done like if it would do in a pinch. Ah Ony name a bodily fluid. I

Don't want to name all the usual ones that I'm always talking about too much on this show I was filed I'm trying to be classy about I'll do it. I'll help. Bile. How's bile? Look, bile, that's fine. A lot of times blood is sort of swirled around in there. And yeah, look, if it's a survivalist situation and I have to go on somebody's urine, for example, I could probably get by in a pinch, but it's not a long-term solution. I want to apologize. I just woke up. So that's partly why I'm so cranky. But I do you know, I mean, I would imagine when you wake up, you're probably I mean, what one of you bears you guys hibernate for how long is it? How long do you hibernate?

Not a week at a time. Six seasons maybe we've been doing. And we want to apologize to you Mystic Sword of Kaladun because Just call him clatters, it eases the tone. I don't know if we were taking you seriously but the fact that you just said urine instead of piss separates you from I want to say 100% of the people we've had on the show and us ourselves so a deep bow to you sword. Oh, he's like that man. He's very proper He's always yacking away about the noble thing to do He's missing the point of just being in the land and being in a party I think that's wonderful mystic sword of kaldu ah

Clam I take a knee to you. Now, you want me to stab him? Someone wants to be knighted. You want to? Am I allowed to do that? Oh, can I knight it? I'm allowed to do it. Can knights knight knights?

Here's the thing, if I pick Clatters up, he does stuff. All right, I'm not really handy with a sword, honestly. Clatters does the stuff. So if I pick him up and he decides tonight I will make is I take over his arm temporarily from time to time Never for anything fun. I'll tell you that he allows well. Let's take a quick break and when we come back You stores kind of get friggin knighted about time. Yeah piss shit Arnie a man let's raise some choice.

Raise some choice. To choice. Oh Arnie, you were saying how choice tasted. Yeah, piss, shit, and cum. Welcome to The Offensive Line. You guys, on this podcast, we're gonna make some picks, talk some shit, and hopefully make you some money in the process.

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So Sir Gowain Diggity. Yes, sir. I like the way you're working. All diggity. All doubt. It's a stage name. Oh, really? Oh, do you? Oh, he used to perform on the back of a of a cart? Tell them you I don't need to tell him Why that guy is gone and from the ashes has risen this awesome night that people want to be with I'm just saying I'm just saying there's something to lineage. There's something to where you're from and and Ancestry, and I don't think that you should throw it all away for, you know, performance. Here's the thing for anybody who finds a magical mystical sword in the woods, they're always going to brag that you're not good enough. All's I got to hear of is about is that old cruddy guy he used to be with and I'm never

good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. Well what are some of your great deeds, Sir Gallowayne Dickety? Once you found a magical sword, did you save a kingdom or free some captives from a terrible fate or slay a monster who was terrorizing a town? Honestly, all three were the first one. Apparently, well I know this for sure, a king and his kingdom were being harassed by this big old dragon sure I was wandering around I say I'll take care of this thing I got this awesome sword we have the biggest

party I have ever been a part of I come to a couple of days later apparently me and clatters tore this dragon up was Was it alright, Cladders? The dragon was dead, the kingdom was saved, the people loved me. I do not remember a single thing about it because I was rocked. Yeah. So, Sir Galwayne, I hate to criticize, but I believe the sword prefers to be referred to

as the Mystic Sword of Kaldu. Thank you, thank you. Yes, it's true. When we talk about lineage, yeah. I could not get that out of my mouth. Well, yeah, he can't string a lot of syllables together at once unless he's talking about parties or... Yes!

Oh. Women. So, you just sort of take over and do these great deeds on his behalf? If he lets me, but you know, if he's drunk or unconscious, it's a lot easier to get a heads up from him, I will admit. Oh, so it's a real battle of the wills. Who's in control at any given moment? I have to go back.

The first thing he did when he picked me up was he he danced around Like he was holding a cane and and tippity tapping along Just buffoonish behavior. He had no idea how to handle an Honorable weapon such as myself. Oh brother. You are jealous because I got the moves like Jagger The magical mystical elf car new Jagger. Oh, honey. Are you familiar withger, the magical mystical elf, Carnu Jagger. Oh, Arnie, are you familiar with Jagger the magical mystical elf? Arnie?

No, no. Are you just saying no because you weren't listening or are you saying no to my question? Both. Okay. Well, Jagger the mystical mini elf, he is well known for the art of tippity tap dance.

Oh, he's great, man. A really cool guy who had a really awesome breakfast food that he never let us eat. You always had to chase him around if he came to your town and if you got him, oooooh man, that's good breakfast. That is a good breakfast. Goats head soup, I want to say? Was it? It was the tastiest goat head soup I've ever had. Oh, I love goats head soup, honey We gotta get you some goats head soup. No, no, thank you. He wears a skin tight tunic Oh, it's just you can see every inch of him

Is there a real goat head in that and and if so, is there a goat head nearby? Oh shit. Um, ooh Missile-claw sort of Keldo. I to ask, what happens if you don't feast? Like, do you get brittle? Oh, that's a good question. What happens if you don't eat? Do you get off my ass? Well, honest, honestly, I don't know exactly because I've never been with somebody who doesn't feed me as, as he, as little as he does.

But I can tell you, I feel brittle. I feel rusty. doesn't feed me as little as he does, but I can tell you I feel brittle, I feel rusty, I feel heavy, even with his weak arms, it's hard to pick me up. I've never had that experience before. Now that you say it, I'm thinking maybe it is the end. Maybe I'm coming up to the last of my days here. This could be critical. Sir Gawain, you must be concerned,

though it seems that you are sort of a frivolous person in nature. If you wish to continue your fame and your notoriety, I would behoove you to ensure that your fame and your notoriety, I would be who of you To ensure that you're feeding your sword. That's got it's gotta be somebody's up to some some evil or some shenanigans in here And the bar yes, that's the I don't understand half of the stuff You said about hooves and stuff, but I need to save this sword if I'm gonna stay famous I gotta jab you into somebody anybody will do and it doesn't have to be over and over again just one slow long stroke into the stomach and

then pull it on out I should be fine for a week all right clatters we were gonna night this old guy before clatters clatters? What if, while he's kneeled down to get nighted, you just take an ear or something? Nighted an ear? Yeah. Take a nip of the old man's ear. Yeah. He's not gonna miss it.

He's been around forever. Sorry, what were you whispering about there? Ah, nothing. Hey, you remember how you wanted to be nighted before? Oh yes, I would greatly appreciate that honorific being bestowed upon me Well, Creek those knees down to the floor old man cuz I got a surprise for you Yeah, this is gonna take a while Sounds I hate these noises

Oh He sits down anytime he gets up He's walking around in a circle getting ready to bend down on one knee This seems like a good spot There he goes he's finally heading down There by now I'm settled and ready to be nighted you're back in the chair Can you get on a knee, please? You got to be on your knee. You stood up, you walked around, you sat back in the chair.

In order to do this correctly, you got to be on a knee. It's all right. Can someone just push the chair over? An all situational. Arnie and I got... There you go. We really have to get you a wheel thrown. There we go. I think I'm ready now.

All right. All right. Clatters do what you a wheel thrown. There we go. I think I'm ready now. All right. All right. Clatters do what you got to do. If you will allow me to take over your arm. Oh, of course, please have at it. Oh, yes. The power. Let me soak in it for just a moment. Yes.

Everyone here is wrapped and watching what's about to happen now. I really could really could plunge Of course the magical tally above the door it says 252 and watchers. Oh, it's jumped at 325 watch We got 500 people watching. Whoa, behold taven ears watching whoa behold taven ears oh and down oh shit yeah lap it up lap it up I thought they just sort of tapped you on the shoulder ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha How is that? Huh? How is that, my boy? Oh my god, I feel so much better.

Yes, it was a bit of an appetizer, like a single fried shrimp, but it'll do, it'll do. Oh man, I feel like a million gold coins. Thanks. I'm Sir Usador now. What's that again? Oh right, you gotta, did you, is he now Sir Yusador? Oh, shoot. I forgot to do the whole preamble and the rigamarole. Oh, the ceremony.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I found your ear though. Here you go. I should have said, I feel terrible. I should have said we have fried shrimp. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You mentioned eating a single fried shrimp. I am so sorry. We do have fried shrimp. Is it yeah. Yeah, you mentioned eating a single fried shrimp. I am so sorry We do have fried shrimp. Is it oh, is it alive? I can't uh, I feel like they Yeah, I feel like once yeah, okay, I'm to be to be fair I've never actually had a fried shrimp I've had regular shrimp So I've seen people eat them. It was more of a metaphor. Okay, okay, okay. I'm starting to think maybe you could eat

anything you want, Clatters. You just like stabbing things. Or is that a simile? Hmm, I do not know what that means. Or just a, hmm, I don't know. Your face is like the morning sun. That's a, hmm. Sir Diggety, can I ask, what were, you know,

look, I totally appreciate you are now this night, and maybe you're less interested in what you were before, but I guess I'm just a little curious in the path that brought you to knighthood. Like, what was your life like before your better life now? Well, I was a squire from my uncle, who was a pretty great knight, and he went out into the magical

woods to find this what's your name again clatters the mystical sword of kal-du yeah that's right there was a giant who was pestering some town or something like that he found clatters sitting in his rock that he was put in to slumber in and with his great honor yanked it from the rock but um at the time I was trying out a new crossbow that I just got and fling fling flume oopsie-doops my uncle's down on the ground he's dead but there's old clatters I pick him up he does this big this big swirl of like golden light swirls around me suddenly Suddenly I'm in like awesome armor.

I'm like taller. I'm a little bit stronger and that's how you become a knight, I guess. You're dead. You're dancing in the streets. Oh yes. Oh yes. I'm just going to stay down here, Arnie. Oh, that's okay. You sit or you can lay down there. Okay. He's really good.

Shouldn't there get your, get your face in there. Okay. He's really gushing there. Get your face in there, clatters. Get some more of that. Oh boy, ooh. Choice, that's choice, that's choice. So, Sir Diggity, I just wanna make sure you didn't intentionally kill your uncle. It was more of an oopsie doopsie? That was a big oopsie doopsie on my part.

He was a great man and he was a great knight and now kind of I am. If I could interject and I don't want to overstep here, the authorities are still looking at that incident as to whether or not it was an oopsie-doopsie. So. I would never ever do something like that on purpose and anybody who reads these slanderous scrolls against me and my past crimes quote unquote are just reading a bunch of I believe ya. Also there's a big range between a first degree and a second degree oopsie doops, right? Like that, yep. I think the best he can hope for is a man oopsie-doops, which is kind of a you know You kind of get a slap on the wrist

Why would everybody be so upset about this oopsie-doops when I'm bringing everybody the greatest highest energy meat You've ever tasted its choice, baby Yeah, let's pour some choice down here? I feel like I need some energy. Oh yeah, let's pour some choice on the moon. Here you go. It's healing. I think it's healing. It's bubbling. It's bubbling. It's really bubbling up. Let's take a quick break.

That's probably the piss shit in common. Quick break. Hey podcast listeners, have you heard you can listen to your favorite podcasts ad free? That's good news. With Amazon Music, you have access to the largest catalog of ad free top podcasts included with your Prime membership. To start listening, download the Amazon Music app for free or go to amazon.com slash ad free podcasts.

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knighthood works what I have done what I have seen that no other knight has seen is that the second I get this awesome sword and I'm doing stuff I've never done before you know as soon as I got this thing I did a backflip you know what that's like to try it get up and try it me. Yeah, it's a night You said you said at the top of the interview respect this guy get up and give yourself a backflip Maybe I'm secretly really good at this What the fuck on the floor Wow the fuck on the floor now how do you feel that meat on me there you go here's some choice bro now that feeling that feeling you just got I mean I couldn't believe

how wondrous I was so I went from town to town and I just started doing all these great feats throwing these big giant parties suddenly people in towns are like hey will you you know go around town to town tell everybody my horse is the best horse I'm like heck yeah give me some cash will you go from town to town tell everybody nobody makes boots like I make boots so I go around do that I get some money we have parties people come out to see me slay these crazy things Are they really the best boots? Oh god, nah that Whoever pays the most has the best boots. You know what i'm talking about old man on the floor

And probably to tap into the youth audience I'm sure clatter's helped in terms of his whole car 2 network Yeah, oh here's the thing man. There is this untapped world out there of money that people aren't thinking about. You know, everybody thinks, oh, you got to cater to people. You know, 20 to 25 in this world. Oh, man, the youth is where it's at. They've got a lot of money that they want to spend. And that's who I'm connected with.

Wow. Sorry, I just got myself up off off the ground. How do you feel man? Great, right terrible? I feel awful Maybe I'm a little bit too old for your content. Is that possible? Oh Probably I'm a pretty high octane. I'm pretty exciting I'm like if it's liquid drink it if it looks like you can eat it eat it You look a little frightened, giant talking bear. I'm gonna be honest. Yeah, and Arnie, don't talk about my friend that way.

There's no maybe about it. You are too old for the content. I just noticed so many of your followers here, people following you around, are really young. Oh yeah, they follow me everywhere, man. I got a lot of them. I get new ones every day, and they just follow me town to town,

trying to do what I do talking like I talk it is amazing. He doesn't really do feats though he says he does feats but what he does is he is like keg stands and you know tries to eat more hot dogs than anybody else and it can't people come around and watch and throw coins at him but it's not like what I'm used to. He gets mad about that because when I don't need him to eat the hot dogs, I don't need him to party and he gets jealous. He's jealous. All these people who say I'm just a guy with a magic sword are so wrong because the guy

with the magic sword ate 57 hot dogs in two minutes. That can't be good. Also, I see a lot of the youth at the bar are wearing your boots and it seems the brand on them, it says impressive feats. Yeah, I came up with that name myself. Isn't that cool? I guess it makes everyone feel like they're a knight

or they're doing something. I mean, ultimately it feels like Platters is doing everything and you're kind of taking credit for it. Yeah. No, no, no, no. See, I take great qualms with that little tiny bear. Clatters, yeah, he'll take care of a giant dragon. I'm the one afterwards when the giant dragon's head is being roasted over a fire who's got the kids bumping who are Finding the night in them. That's a little catchphrase. I like to shout out find the night in you

Here's some we are the night they all scream back And I gotta say it's hard Everyone stop screaming It's and I gotta say I do slay the dragons. It's really hard to do, because he will let me take over his arm. But he's running away as I'm trying to swing. Have you ever seen a dragon? These things are huge, man.

No way. I did notice his right arm is much longer than his left. So that must be from you battling onward, and he's sort of retreating backwards yeah yeah he's got sort of a plastic man thing going on with his right arm it works for us you know also one of his legs is longer than the other he doesn't like to talk about it's why he kind of walks like he does it's a strut man it's a strut can we hear a few more of the sort of I guess you would call them catchphrases or

Proclamations you make to sort of yes the dope proclamations. I like to shout out Here's something I came up with to kind of battle little kids who have you know Self-esteem issues your battle in the self-esteem where the Self-esteem issues your battle in the self-esteem where the kids with the Your battle and pushes them around he kicks him He shoves them when I'm around battling little kids with low self-esteem makes him feel good Okay, he's a this is what I say to them should have been me Should have been me. That's the kind of battles. I'm trying to fight this guy's talking about. Oh This town is being harassed by monsters

I'm like look at those little kids over there not believing in themselves. Let's get rid of them That's the kind of battles. I'm looking for that's it you use you saw our villain I've used my magical healing rock to heal myself and though I've lost a lot of blood I shan't allow you to continue these evil ways. I Challenge you to about a fisticuffs you to continue these evil ways I challenge you to about a fisticuffs what do it do it do it use me use me he's got like a little baby you're growing out of his head well stop shoving me old man I'll shove you all I want oh you're gonna get it you're gonna get clatters to my hands Oh! Ah, back on the floor. Oh shit. Nom nom nom nom nom.

Oh man. Normally I would sit back and let this happen and kind of enjoy watching it, but Usur's not immortal anymore, so we can only stab him up to a point. Uh, I've got a point, I'll stab him. Ernie, why'd you have to say stab up to a point? What are you doing? Are you hungry, Clatters? Do you want to eat? Yes, please, please plunge me in! So Sir Diggity, if I'm understand-

So Sir Diggity, if I'm understanding this correctly, you are a famous knight who goes around and beats up little kids with self-esteem problems, and that is very popular with probably slightly older like tweenagers who just are just like oh shit I can't believe this night is beating the shit out of little kids. Oh the first time I did it the followers I got was unbelievable. When you get up you know I was doing nice things I guess you could say. Followers not really coming. The second I found this pack of kids feeling pretty down on themselves

and started shoving them around, all of a sudden I'm surrounded by all these new followers. It's pretty powerful. Yeah, they all just left their home villages and they trail us around all day. Kind of annoying, honestly. Is there any magic going on or it's just pure personality? Oh man, I think my personality is my greatest magic.

Debatable. I hate that he crossed his arms and did double P signs. Yeah. Yeah, that's an insult. I'm glad you could see that through these heavy gauntlets on my hand. Yeah. I'm noticing a lot of your followers have like tapestries

to sort of promote your feats that are mostly just giant Images of your face like making a weird facial expression and then sort of on the side over to the side It's like you fighting something Oh, I've got these great artists to paint my giant face on these things and you know They'll be like a little word bubble next to my face. It's like whoa and next to the word bubble says you know ask me about the time I slayed you know whatever the fuck and it's to bring people in as we pass through town the town there's a lot of people who maybe have not heard the name sir Galway and diggity and all of a sudden through the town comes these giant banners and people are curious and they walk up and they'll want to hear some stories. They find

out how cool I am. They find out how boring Clatters is and suddenly we got another follower. Tower works man. I probably could work for you guys. Get more people coming in here and listening to whatever this is. Should we pivot to tapestries? We are mostly just an audio format. I saw one of those banners earlier in the town today and I wondered what it was and I wondered why your eyes are slightly bigger than they should be. That draws people in. This is something I always say

and I think I came up with this, but the eyes are kind of the window to an awesome guy you should listen to. I saw one of the tapestries. I'm pretty sure it's a joke. It says that this fall you're gonna fight psych Tyson Yeah, strongest mentalist and all the food. That's a joke, right? Thank you for bringing that up He's gonna get so killed y'all. He's gonna get fucking destroyed. He totally will Absolutely not that guy plays mind games and I've got a magic sword. He does not stand a chance. I hope everybody comes out to see this.

It's going to be absolutely spectacular and it's going to be sponsored by choice high energy mead for these high energy times. Wait clatters. You said that guy's going to get killed. Yeah, whoo-hoo which one you're him. He's gonna get killed. Oh I'm gonna have to be picked up by somebody else or I don't know what they're gonna do try to melt me down I got you know, I have no defense if I don't have an arm Yeah, have you ever considered trying to sabotage the sir diggity because whoever picks you up has He's far too noble far too noble to do that right it's just you don't do that you don't take your own owner's life I see so I mean how does it has it cross my mind yes fifty times a day every day of the

week could I just get away with this but then yeah what are the other swords gonna say yeah yeah mystic swords code yeah Arnie there's a there's a few sort of you know hard rules and food you don't tug on psych Tyson's cape it was pretty much number one you don't cast a spell into the wind mm-hmm because it'll come back at you. And then third, I believe, is you don't stab your own. No, that'd be bad, bad. Yeah.

Yeah. Doesn't really rhyme, but those are the three rules. We should have rhyming rules, Ysidor. What? Oh. Here, I'll pour some more choice on you. The screams make you know it's working. Look at that, man. My tapestry guy is drawing a big old tapestry.

You just became a story, my man. The day I beat up this old wrinkly man. Why does the tapestry say, watch me shit on this wizard? Oh, wow. Sometimes I get suggestions. Oh, boy. You got, do it. Thank God. I just ate 57 hot dogs in town square Alright hold on. Why do I get these elastic band armor? How are you taking that off? So quick? What is this? Oh you gotta make it elastic

You know how quick you grow through, go through armor when you're a guy like me, when you're partying as hard as I am? Oh my goodness, you go through armor very quick. Are these like pajama pants that are just like armor coloring? Yeah, I gave him actual armor and he took it off within the first 15 minutes

and he got pajama bottoms on. I just found out as I kept doing these great feats of eating that my armor quickly became too tight to wear. And it is hard. You walk around like a big old sausage in a can, it hurts. Oh, okay. Well, you sir, don't worry, Arnie and I won't let this happen.

Arnie, come over here. Sure. Yeah. What's going on, buddy? Let's come up with a plan to stop him from shooting on you, sir. Stop crawling away. Yeah, what's going on? Let's come up with a plan to stop him from shooting Yusodora. Hmm. Stop crawling away! We'll come up with something here.

Hopefully, there's nothing going on behind us that we're not being taken to. Get over here! I shan't allow myself to be shant-upon, even while Arnian, chunct and distracted. No, for I am Yusodora, one of the great wizards of the great wizardry order, the only one left with any... any sort of integrity and... If you keep moving, I'm going to miss! Stop squirming! Don't shit while you're walking. What if you shit and then just put it on him after? Can you do that? Who wants me to dump on this old lump? Woo! Lump whoo no no I am known to the defecators of food as as James Sphincter and you don't mess around with Jim

Who thinks it's okay these shits on the floor then just kind of rubs it on him later Now yeah, you got a shit on I gotta be honest all these people watching kind of dried me up John it's nice to take this long to think you know truly. I feel like we never get a breather This is nice. Do you want a drink? No? Yeah? What were we thinking? That's the thing I can't remember what we were trying to think about good luck shitting on me when I have shat upon myself You sirs done one of his weird stories You blew it you blew it Now everybody's booing. Oh wow.

I am victorious once again. Now can I stab him? You don't want to eat that. It's covered in shit. I'm sure you could find an open piece of flesh somewhere. It's right on the side. ["The Wizard's Theme"] Usador the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafay. Sir Galwayne Diggety and the Mystic Sword of Kaldu were played by special guests Brendan Jennings and Mark Raderman. Check out their Hollywood Satire podcast, Get It to the Dutch, a Screenwriter's Journey, on iHeart Media, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Bill Johnson, Fen Shegwe, Marty TheFishZimmerman, Cal Drogo, Spitz Whitsley, Bill TheMustacheHenderson, Fork Morgensen, Ol'ButteryBimboB- I'm kidding, none of these are real. I'll save the long list of Patreon supporters for the mysterious man to get back to next week. That said, patrons get ad-free episodes.

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To learn more about supporting the show, visit Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Al Raffaei. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Benji K. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alar Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. See you next time folks, or on the Patreon feed. ["Duck Shepard Theme"] Hello, I'm Duck Shepard.

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