Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 25 - Guy Who Knows Some Magic (w/ Zac Oyama)

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

Duncan Potatogrease wants to play a tavern game to see who's better at being absolutely rocked in the face by magic.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiDuncan Potatogrease: Zac OyamaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost In the magical land of food and I'm joined as always by my co-host chump the talking badger. Good morning, sweetheart Thank you for doing it this early Arnie. I know you don't usually like to record in the mornings

Oh, I'm so sorry. I first was just making sure last week I thought you were talking to me, but you were flirting with someone at the bar So when you said good morning, sweetheart that that was for me Arnie, what are you doing? I'm flirting with someone at the bar She left but now that you mentioned it Arnie it is pretty early Earlier than we normally record. Yeah, and I was thinking you know, how you know How you told me in confidence that you can only get horny in the morning Yes, and but thank you for bringing that into the podcast Arnie what if we did a spin-off podcast? That's Arnie's horny morning, okay?

Yeah, I think so use it or we always do it at the bar. We've never done it at the table don't think that's right Yeah, and already that's the kind of talk we need for Arnie's horny morning is like I always do it at the bar and You know how yesterday you ate all the cookies out of the cookie jar. Mm-hmm You're a little bit what my grandma would call ornary What if it's Arnie's Arnory horny morning? Okay? This is getting increasingly difficult to say okay. You said that without warning Arnie's Arnory horny morning. Okay. This is getting increasingly difficult to say. Okay, you said that without warning. Arnie's orny horny morning? Seems fine to me. Arnie's orny horny morning. Arnie's orny horny horny. Yeah, I'm not sure if you guys are saying it the same every time. I

think you're changing words, but I can't be sure. Arnie shows evolve. Well, most shows evolve. Guys... Look, I don't know how comfortable I am being kind of horny on main. You know, like I... maybe on... not on the main feed, maybe being horny on the Patreon? But the Patreon's a Patreon, Arnie, we need spinoffs. You always say everything needs to be content, right? Sure. You being horny should be not excluded from that I guess it is it maybe time after I've monetized everything else that I finally monetize the fleeting moments when I'm horny Yeah, maybe it is don't talk to me until I fucked mud Yeah, think about just think about it think about the merch tie-ins. I don't know

You know, I kind of hate this idea, but it's making me horny Did somebody say makes me horny? Oh Yes, I don't know who this is but this is my favorite guess Hey How's it going fellas? I I don't really have anything to say on that But I love to talk about the Horty in general Yeah, sorry, I'm out of breath. Listen, I have two questions.

I hope you can help me answer. Sure. We have thousands of answers. Amazing. Great, great, that's perfect. Question number one, can I have a sip of that glass? Of what's in the glass or the glass itself? I want to be clear. Can I have a sip of what's in the glass or the glass itself? I want to be clear. Can I have a sip of what's in the glass? I don't want to eat, I don't want to sit, I want to turn the glass into liquid and then drink it. Okay, yes, please have some.

Okay, go on. Oh, he downed the path. Sorry about that, okay. Question number two. Care to make a wager, fellas? Oh. Um, how much you talking? Question number two, care to make a wager, fellas? Ooh. How much you talking? God, I mean, I could, enough for a fine meal at this establishment, I've never been here before.

I'm sure there's a lot of good eats around here. I will bet every piece of gold I own that I win. Okay, great, let's do it. Okay well just very quickly I'm Arnie I'm from another world this is my friend Chunt he's a talking badger. Hello. I haven't introduced him but this is Ysador the wizard. I am Ysador, wizard of the twelfth realm of aphesious master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakis, the elves' nobius fienyellic, the dwarves' nobius zonin and hukstengis,

and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maester, and lo, I am the one wizard who stands proud and true, defiant of the evil waves of the new wizards. I got to workshop that one. I told you, you need note cards. Bring note cards. I'll bring note cards next week.

Yeah. And do you mind introducing yourself or is that part of the wager? Is this like a Rumpelstiltskin situation? No, no, that I wish. That guy's so cool. No, this is a, this is a bit of a different situation. My name is Duncan Potato Grease, and I am I'm actually kind of a magic guy myself. I don't have as many words behind mine, but I have I think I'm a similar thing to you, sir.

A good wizard. Oh, another magic user in our midst. What art thou sorcerer Necromancer? More of a, like a magi- I don't know that it's as defined as either of those two. More of like a magic punching bag, so to speak. I'm not trying to put you in a box. Guy who knows some magic. You know what? I'm gonna make that the title of this episode. Guy who knows some magic. You know what? I'm gonna make that the title of this episode. Guy who knows some magic.

Yeah, I know. I dabble in it. I mean, it's not... I would never be like, I know the most. I'm not trying to win that kind of wager. And there would be no need for I, a great wizard, stands before you who knows all the magic. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, listen, it sounds like you know a lot about magic. I know some about magic. Seems like you'd be confident to make a wager in a little game I like to call get absolutely rocked in the face with magic. Okay. Ooh. Ooh, is this part of Arnie gets horny in the morning? Hey, did somebody say

horny? Hey Arnie, if we're the morning? Hey, did somebody say horny? Hey Arnie, if we're doing a morning show, no better first guest than Duncan Potato Grease. One, Potato Grease makes for delicious hash browns, and two, Foon basically runs on Duncan. It's true. He's the morning, well he's the god of the morning, Duncan. Oh, I see.

God of the morning. I like the sound of that. I've been called a god of many things, mostly getting absolutely rocked in the face with magic. OK. But I could use a couple more names at the end of mine. Oh, I am deeply embarrassed. I meant Duncan, the god of the morning, the god. Oh, right. Duncan's a great name. I'm sure I'm sure you're a great Duncan.

I'm such an idiot. But I'm talking about Duncan the God of the sky who's a god unless unless you're here I know he sometimes comes down to food in disguise as like a Owl and he like well, you know like he's Bruce's brother. He's Bruce. Yes. He's Bruce's brother sky god Yeah, Duncan says brother. Okay, that's right. Cuz I my mom loved Duncan. That's why I was named Duncan Oh, it's sort of like, you know when there's like a famous person that you name your kid after cuz you like kind of their Vibe, but then I turned out like this. I see isn't there also the god Tim Horton the slightly more regional god of the morning Oh Yeah, that's my brother's named Tim Horton. No, I think it's for that guy

He's exactly like him Tim Horton of the northern skies Tim yeah, he's actually very similar to him important. He's got sandwiches He's got sandwiches I'm not really from that area. So I have assuming here. I will say I do like Tim Horton the god better But it's just he rarely you rarely see him. He's a little more elusive. Yeah, he takes more faith Yes, never see him. Just gotta believe yep. Yep, um so You said or I think you were posed with a wager. Yeah, it's time to put a cock in his face Well, I've already accepted the wager, but I think I'm supposed to think we're supposed to rock each other in the face with magic.

Let's see how that goes. Yeah, so I just I just blast you in the face with magic. I'm gonna draw a line in on the on the boards of the floor right here and chalk stand back. I'm gonna can we move these stools for a second? Maybe get a little semi circle around here Okay, great you throw it can you throw it a little further away I can still see it Yeah, let me go. Let me go grab it. So you don't want to see it like totally out of your eye I don't want to see any stools at all. Don't don't kick it. Grab it now I'll bring it back over here Just pick it up and moving he didn't say scooch it. He said move it. All right. Listen, I We got to set up the area semi-circle get a bit of a crowd going

You and I we put our toes on this line right here. Okay, and as a you know, it's your first time playing Is that right yeah I'm not familiar no okay so lock in your most powerful spell okay and just put your hand I want to say a quarter inch away from my face if that's a good way for you I'm so sorry to interrupt Duncan I like to give you store a lot of shit but just to be clear this is user Ysordor the Blue. He defeated the Dark Lord. You want him to lock in his most powerful spell? Yeah. If there's a medium powerful spell that you shoot like 10 times in a row, that would be fine. Just something that would probably be a deadly spell for an average person.

Okay. Okay. And you said a quarter inch from your face. Quarter inch from my face. You could angle it at my chin. You could do it towards my ear. That might be, that's not my favorite, but you can. Okay. And then after that, I get to do it to you.

It's not simultaneous. We take turns. Okay, great. I understand that. We take turns. All right. I'm giving you know, hospitality rules. That's what we call it. Sure. Hospitality rules is I let the new guy go first. Arnie, are you familiar with hospitality rules?

No. I mean, I sometimes say hospitality rules. These are the rules you set up when it seems like one of you is about to go to the hospital. Okay. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, I've played this game many times. I've been hit pretty hard in the face. Okay. That's kind of my magic is absolutely getting rocked in the face. Now that you say that, I do notice that your neck and head are almost shaped like a scythe, like the end of a scythe. Yeah, yeah.

Like it's your neck and then your face is almost like a crescent moon resting on the neck but I'm I'm I know what you're talking about because it is my face and I'm have I'm trying to we have glass here yeah yeah yeah I'm looking for a mirror to sort of picture what you're saying my neck turns into it's like the top of a scythe. My whole head goes forward almost like a beak. Yeah. Yeah. Well I guess I said scythe and then I was like, crescent moon might be a better,

cause you do have a chin. Yeah. I thought I would, it's not a strong chin, but I feel like I have a good chin. It's a slightly concave face. Yeah, the middle of your face is not probably where it started at. Yes, I see what you're saying. So the where my nose is

Traditionally would be the furthest part out of a normal person's face. You know, yeah Yeah, for me, it's about six inches back it's I would say my cheekbones are Second to that and then my ears are actually the things that come the closest to the front of my head I could not have said it. It's like you were like a cheap plastic toy and someone just kind of like pushed in the face. Yes, I think that's the best way to describe it.

I never thought we'd get hung up on someone describing their own face. But if any face we're going to get hung up on, I think yours is deserving. And if any show is ever going to accomplish it, it was this one. Yeah. Yeah. I think yours is deserving. And if any show was ever going to accomplish it, it was this one. Yeah, I mean, I've taken many shots of powerful magic straight into the face. And I think I'm pretty good at it. I think that's a skill I have, is what I'll give credit. Well, you're still here, so that says a lot. Thank you.

Should the rest of us take cover? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. You see where those stools ended up? Yeah. Before everyone takes cover, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. Welcome to the Offensive Line. You guys, on this podcast, we're going to make some picks, talk some s***, and hopefully make you some money in the process. I'm your host, Annie Agar. So here's how this show's going to work, okay? We're going to run through the weekly slate of top some sh** and hopefully make you some money in the process. I'm your host, Annie Agar.

So here's how this show's gonna work, okay? We're gonna run through the weekly slate of NFL and college football matchups, breaking them down into very serious categories like... No offense, Travis Kelcey, but you gotta step up your game if Pat Mahomes is saying the Chiefs need to have more fun this year. We're also handing out a series of awards and making picks for the top storylines surrounding the world of football. Awards like the He May Have a Point Award for the wide receiver that's most justifiably bitter. Is it Brandon

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the words violence or corruption, which is effectively impossible. A story of how the largest and most influential police department in the country became one of the most violent and corrupt organizations in the world. It doesn't matter if you're a self-emancipated by person or if you're a free or what, they're just sending people back to the South, kidnapping them. When officers with the power to fight the danger become the danger. I was terrified. I'm not going to talk to the police because they're the ones who are perpetrating this.

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The Wanderlust. The Wanderlust. Sorry. I'm just so sorry. It's early. It's morning. Also, I don't think this is a good episode for our first episode of Arnie's Ornary Hornier Morning. Because I think this guy's about to die. We are here live! Ringside. So sorry to interrupt you, child. Yeah, yeah.

I really hope, and I'm not saying I think it's gonna break one way or the other I just really hope that seeing somebody die Doesn't make me horny like I hope I don't just oh yeah that that would suck as a kink like I'm not saying like I Mean I feel even voicing that Sounds weird sounds suspect. I was just being honest about something that occurred to me. Yeah, well, I remember When we were back in on earth what when I was for the first time on earth in the 1980s You kept trying to show me David Cronenberg's crash. Sure. Yeah Famously and I wouldn't watch it famously a movie from the 80s

You said you had an early copy because your uncle know David Cronenberg mm-hmm. Oh, sorry. We are here ringside for the main event which is two guys Rocking each other in the face with magic Somebody say horny Sorry, I was man in the middle of a complicated stretch where I couldn't art Leo use my mouth He stretched his mouth a lot I noticed that that was happening. I wasn't sure if he was okay. And I'm 99% sure he was trying to suck his own dick, which I don't know. You always think that though, to be fair. I mean, I also, I agree, but also you always think that. Yeah, I mean, in this corner we have a Duncan potato grease.

Thank you. Thank you everyone. Ain't my first rodeo. I'll tell you that. And in this corner we have Ysidor the blue, et cetera. All right. I'm honored to be a challenger here today. Gentlemen, start your magic.

Oh shit, I'm going to run and die behind this. Oh yeah, me too, me too. Ex. Just real quick. If you see where my hand is, just sort of this area around, you know, kind of the T-zone of your face is, I think,

is, just if you're looking at that, that's great. I think that's you're gonna do awesome. This is gonna be great. Whatever happens, you are not liable. This is fun for me. I was going to use kind of an explosive, concussive spell. It's just like sort of one huge blast of white light. Great.

And if you want me to hit to the T-zone though, I could mentholate it. You know what, actually I do what feels comfortable to you I'm okay all right I'll just do the classic all right exposes the steam off your mouth oh shit wow I don't know what was worse was the noise he made oh oh Duncan Duncan this is part of it this is part of it don't worry everyone this is part of it

yeah I was so much worse than so many of them. Oh wow. I mean, I've blown out entire walls of dungeons with that spell. I'm surprised you're alive. Wow. I'm crying. Oh, he's crying. Are you okay? God, it's usually less than that.

I just like to say for the record, what's that? It's usually less than that. Oh, yeah. God, what's that? It's usually less than that. Oh Yeah, are you doing? Well, you said to use one of my strongest spells I did I didn't know it was gonna be like that. Oh Well, I feel terrible But it's your turn now and you're alive. Okay. I really wish she had signed up Oh a literal waiver versus just a verbal You know, he just kind of verbally said this is his way that him he didn't sign anything

I thought I'm gonna be honest. I thought the people I hang out with are less powerful than that. Okay Well, I feel like I lost all the hair on my head Yeah, there's not much here And you've got hair. I do? Where? It's on that wall behind you. Yeah. Turn around again like you did a second ago. There's quite a bit in the back.

It's pretty patchy. It's pretty patchy. I swear I didn't think it would be that bad. Can I see in your mouth real quick? Yeah. Hold on. Did you swallow some of your teeth? I think see in your mouth real quick? Yeah, hold on. Do you swallow some of your teeth? I think I lost all the front teeth and the bottom teeth. Yeah, but that's all the front and the bottom ones.

All of the bottom one are gone and just the front one. Front, top, all bottom, okay. Well, we can see what we can do about that. Okay. God, well, I guess it's my turn Yeah, yeah, yeah, go for it. I'm real crazy here. I'm real quick if you're keeping track didn't make me horny Okay, did somebody say horny It's the saddest thing I've ever had someone cry wait a minute when he said that some of his hair grew back

It is okay. Wait, what happened? Oh, wow. Got a little more hair. OK, sorry. I'm just I really came into this with a lot more confidence and I'm just going to try to finish strong. This is sort of a new era of this

for me. So sorry. All right. Are you ready, sir? I'm ready. Yes, please. OK, I'm mostly known for how good of a hit I can take in the face Versus how powerful it is when I hit other people in the face

Yeah, so I win by just kind of tiring him out sure and so knowing that here's my most powerful blast Hope you enjoy here we go sizzle Okay Okay, that that was something I mean yeah yeah look at my hat you get you burned you singed the edge of my hat good job are you are you able to take a mulligan if you accidentally like missed it it and you do it again quiet Arnie it's my turn again are you ready that's right well I guess we got to keep going cuz we're both still in it. We keep going Yeah, you keep going until what it's until someone gives up and I I've been in I've won a lot

but in a different situation where they weren't like this guy and And and and so I got to keep going because it's all I got this is all I have of course Just a quick check in horny Yeah, even when Duncan said get ready for my biggest blast or whatever he said nothing That didn't make me know not yet. Not not horny yet. Get ready for a big bus. Okay, okay All right, I hate to say this but round fuck this absolutely sucks round run run to this Okay, oh boy. Here we go. I'm gonna turn around I get out watch this you ready Okay, what did we bet for again? I from like you got it. I think all my gold

Okay, so wait a second if you lose you have to give the equivalent of all the gold that you store has oh No You lose you have to give the equivalent of all the gold that you store has oh No Let's worry about that later. Let's worry about that later. I'm sorry just okay. Just real quick puts on some gloves You sir, can you give me a big old gala with Lichtenkamer? Gala Lichtenkamer All right. I'm gonna take this candlestick that just got Lit with eternal light. I'm gonna can you just just look at me Duncan? Just bring your eyes right here? Yeah... Yeah. Over here?

Okay. Um... Arnie, this guy is deeply kinkust. I've never seen someone so kinkust. Those eyeballs are operating totally independent of one another. Yeah, I feel like I can almost feel how dilated they are. Yeah. And then shrinking and then dilat- Wait, hold on. You know what I can almost feel how dilated they are yeah, and then shrinking and then dial hold on you know what I mean Yeah, oh fuck okay. I'm just worried about it later. Come on. Yeah, it's fine. I'm Duncan potato grease the worst sign is he can't Coherently describe eye dilation. Yeah, what's your excuse? Here now

Lettuce you said any of my most powerful spells, right? Do your worst. Because I'm Duncan Potato Grease and I've never lost a Get in the Rock with Magic Contest. Well, here you go, this is one of my most powerful spells. It's a Friendship spell. And probably the last one you could do. Friendship spell? Yeah, it's very powerful though.

Whoever you first see, when you stand up again You will be friends with them for the rest of your life Okay, it will blow you back several feet though All right, I'll take it. Oh, I think Duncan just tried to give a thumbs up and he just raised his knee This is bad. This is real bad. He's up. Let's do it No one told you Knees up, let's do it. No one told you that I would be this way! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ Was that three or four? I think it's four. You're my best friend. You're my best friend.

His eyes are all over the place. I don't know who he's talking to. I think he's talking to that chair maybe. Yeah, let me pick him up. Let me pick him up. The collective view. The collective view. All three of us.

Wonderful. Okay. All three of you and the crowd and the stools in the bar. Oh Collectively my best friend. There's gotta be 500 items in this tavern. What? Yeah, I I Feel lucky. I feel so lucky to have so many best friends. You should you should it's okay Yeah, let's help him stand up. Let's help him stand up

And a polite applause for taking that to several hits. Yeah, let's Let's you know after clap my friend my good friends Okay, Chunt the applause did make me a little horny Well, I've always done that about you All right, it's your turn. It's your turn, Duncan. What do you got? I can't hit a friend. I can't hit a friend like you.

Okay, we skipped around three. Yep. You forfeit this round. We skipped around three. You sort of whenever you're ready. Oh, no. Okay. All right.

Lay it on me. You're my best friend. You got to do it. You have to. And I'll be honest with you. Yeah. As your friend, I got six copper to my name. And you don't deserve that, but I will work the rest of my life to pay you back.

Okay. And we do have to just, Arnie and I do just have to step in here to legally just do some quick tests. Duncan, are you with me here? Who's that, Dad? It's Chunt. Look down. I'm looking down, aren't I? Am I looking down? I don't think so.

You're looking in two different directions. How about now? That's better. Uh, Duncan, um... Kitten is to cat as puppy is to blank. Kitten is to cat as puppy is to blank. Okay, he's fit to fight. Oh, shit.

Yeah, copied that perfectly to fight. Oh shit. Yeah copied that perfectly laid on me See my most powerful one of my most powerful spells um oh I know this one opens a portal What this one opens a portal to a kind of a pocket dimension? Okay, wow these are so esoteric. It's usually just blasts of fire right in the face. I'll take it Oh, I do fire portal to my fire No, not really not from you, but let's let's do a portal. Let's do a portal right into my noggin. Okay Uh, well, how about this? Let's compromise

I am a wizard of light and darkness I control one of my primary elements is a manipulation of the visual light spectrum So why don't I blast you in the face of pure darkness? Oh? Okay, I think I could handle that I mean I handle a lot of like worse stuff than darkness. This should be fine Yeah, all right. I'm gonna put this piece of rope in my mouth Okay, good idea. Oh and Arnie. I'm gonna give him piece of rope in my mouth. Okay, good idea. Oh, and Arnie, I'm gonna give him just a little assist here. Uh, Horny!

Did somebody... Sorry, let me take this out of my mouth. Did somebody say Horny? Oh, airbag. Yeah, that should help. Yeah. Okay. Wow.

Got a little rat tail. Now to blast you in the face with a pure darkness that will devour your soul. Okay. But just the face soul, right? I mean, you know... Adatostelocatom! Okay, this isn't so bad. I like how handling it, Reed. Reed, oh no. Oh no.

Oh no, oh no. Oh, oh. Ah! Ah! I'm alone! I'm alone! Ah, my friends are all gone and I'm alone! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Oh God, did I, but oh! Ah! Okay, okay. You know, I'm starting to feel a little weird about this. You're starting to feel a little weird about this? I think it's best, Oni, I think maybe I should concede and let him have the win. I mean, he's gonna take all of your money,

but it's all your gold. You, sir, how much gold do you have? Well, he said he had like he had said like six or seven coppers. I probably have like 10. Oh, oh, oh, that's right. You usually do every episode end up losing all of your money. So I do that a lot. Probably don't have much money.

But then I go into a dungeon and I just there's hordes of it there. I just just gobble that shit up. I see he just happened to catch you between dungeons. He caught me between dungeons. Quick cue the the darkness probably ends pretty soon, right? It's probably going to be over soon. Right? Oh, I'd say you've got Yeah, not long a month or two. Okay, I wonder if he thinks the darkness is his friend. Well, let's

let's go to break and all darkness smile. It's good to see you again. Let's go to break. I'll count my money and and I'll see if I want to concede after the break. How's that sound? Yeah. And remember guys, no talking during the break. Let's just have the sound of silence. Hey, podcast listeners, have you heard you can listen to your favorite podcasts ad free? That's good news. With Amazon Music, you have access to the largest catalog of ad free top podcasts included with your Prime membership. To start listening, download the Amazon Music app for free, or go to amazon.com slash ad-free podcasts. That's amazon.com slash ad-free podcasts

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Okay, Arnie Chunt, I have a little more money than I thought. I have 12 copper. I have 12 copper, I have three silver, and one gold piece. I think that's a pretty good haul for a couple months of darkness in your soul getting your face blasted off. Yeah, he's earned it. I could probably throw in a free sandwich or something. I just feel bad. Hey, you want a sandwich?

Who said that? Who said that? that it's you said all your best friend oh you said oh it's been too long it's been too long did you want to take a long well it's been a I don't know maybe like five fish minutes or so oh okay I thought it was a week or two but okay good to know everything starts to feel like an eternity When you get blasted in it without darkness that devours your soul. I'm realizing the caliber of magic user I am up against this way way under caliber this establishment and Hats off to you. Yeah, where are you from? Who are the people you normally meet in bars?

Okay, I I'm if you follow Hats off to you. Yeah, where are you from? Who are the people you normally meet in bars? Oh, OK. If you follow, what's the nearest river that goes south? Probably Spindle River. OK, yes. OK, so go down Spindle. I love the drift on the Spindle River, by the way. I love the spin drift. It's amazing.

You get a little tube. You crack open a cold one. You get in the way. I love the spin drift. It's amazing you get a little tube you get open a crack open a cold one you get in the water and crack open a cold one is a that guy sells ice on the edge of the water that has a beverage inside it. Yeah so crack that ice open. You crack open that cold one and then and then you float you go that six days or so there's a little community of I think it's mostly exiled magic users and exiled for not being good at it is what I'm having to assume at the moment because wow this is a different ballgame that's off.

What are some of the names of the magic users that have rocked your face previously? Oh god there's Tristan potato salad. There's Lisa potato onion. These are your cousins. These are my cousins. Yeah, you fight with your like. Sorry, you fight with your cousins, it sounds like. Yeah, I mean, it's me and my cousins kind of battling for fun for drinks. So you basically fought your cousins and then decided to go challenge one of the most powerful

wizards. I can take any of them. Sure. I can take any of them. And so by the lessons learned there, I thought I should go upriver. So six days downriver, 25 weeks upriver, and I'm here. And this is the first establishment I saw that felt like there were someone I could really go toe to toe with.

Arnie, it's much longer to go upriver because the current is against you. And there's just a series of riddles that have to be solved along the way. When you go the other way, the riddles are kind of behind you, you can't really see them. I see.

It felt that way. I'm not good at them. Nobody is. Their riddles are terrible. Chunt, I thought you liked riddles. A lot of people think that, they're actually abhorrent. They're disgusting.

There's no, every answer is like egg or shadow or like the shadow of an egg. They're pretty they're bad. Yeah. It's like it's a it's a chair or something like that. Exactly. Exactly. And why don't you speaking of chairs? Why don't you have a seat Duncan? Yeah. I'm not sitting down. Or did you want to take your next turn? Oh, it's my turn. I'm forfeiting again one more time. You're forfeiting your turn. Okay, well, I'm pretty sure you're got you got to be close to out, right? It's back to me. No, I have thousands of these Okay, it's gonna be really hard to throw this. Let's see Well, here's the thing though, I think I just concede I think I can see you can have my money. Oh My god, who's crying again? Oh My god, thank you Thank you. You're my best friend

Yeah, I know. I guess I'm still undefeated. I'm undefeated. Yeah, you're undefeated. Good job. Oh my god I am still undefeated. I can't wait to tell my cousins this We're all very proud of you Would you like a sandwich from the bar to go with your bunny? Am I not holding a sandwich right now? That's your arm. Yeah. Oh, I'm holding my own arm. You've taken a couple of bites out of it.

Well, I was pretty sure I put it between two pieces of bread, and that's why I got confused. Oh, yeah, that is bleeding a lot. Yeah, it's good, though. As the blood started to appear, I heard you go, ketchup, lots of ketchup, so I think you're kind of saying things. I want to take a minute, Duncan, just to apologize. As you were telling your story about

fighting your cousins, you did take out a little drawing of them. I thought your face was all sort of cranked because of the slaps. I want to apologize to you and all your cousins. I didn't know that was like your thing. It's genetic, yeah. I am so sorry. I just want to say I'm so sorry. They're genetically predisposed to take a Rock and blast of magic to the face. Yeah

Oh my god. This is I I don't even know if I Hate to leave but it's it's just gonna be nice to have left making, I wanna say, 500 new friends. Oh, sweetie, do you think you're walking out the door? Is this a door? This is the door, right? This has to be the door. What am I pulling on? Oh, he's drawing a circle of chalk. Yeah, you're just drawing a circle of chalk.

This is got, this feels like a door handle. You're drawing that. You're making that. Honestly, that takes more dexterity to draw a circle than to open a door. Where did you get that chalk? Oh, I mean, you need the chalk to draw the line to battle people in this game. So my pocket, it was filled with about six sticks of chalk. Now, a lot of it's just crumbled because of that, honestly, the first shot. You got hit so hard your pants blew off. So that's

What am I wearing if not pants right now? Not pants One of the bartenders is play holding a menu Yeah in front of your groin and you're in your sorry your pants are embedded in the wood behind you. Yeah This is gonna be a permanent fixture of this restaurant now This tavern is gonna have it's gonna be like a planet Hollywood with a pants in the wall. Yeah, you just sign the wall. Sign the wall Duncan. Okay.

Yeah, I'll take some chalk and I'll just write it over here. Must have been pretty close to where we were talking about. He's just signing in the air, but that's okay. That's okay. Got it. Should I get Duncan potato grease? Do you want something to drink, like maybe an ale or a healing potion or like a you know coffee? What do you what do you want? Can we do like a Arnold Palmer ale?

healing potion Or and I told you about Arnold Palm We've lied to you there are there are a lot more Arnie's in this world Arnold Palmer who didn't go by Arnie had the largest hands of any person alive So they named a drink after Because of his big hands. Yeah, his job was a Palmer He you know if you wanted to see something in a big hand just like hey Can I see what my keys would look like in your big hand? He would palm them for you

Okay, you could palm whole boulders I heard. Oh. But he loved to drink two things mixed together and somehow that's his legacy. Okay. Yeah if I could get one of those that'd be great. I haven't had anything to drink since earlier before that. I guess the first thing they did when I started talking to you was take your drink and start to drink it. Okay yeah. So since then I haven't had anything to drink at all. Yeah, I bet you're parched. It's only been a couple minutes, but you did get rocked in the face pretty hard. Nothing makes me more thirsty than absolutely getting rocked in the face.

Yeah. Chunt, Oni, should I have done this? I mean, my first instinct is no, but after seeing it happen, it's a big no. Big, big no. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I just agree to things because I like experiences. Sure. Lucidor, I want you to have your money back. Thank you. I want you to have your coin back.

Thank you. Great. Minus six copper for the road. But here's the rest of your change. It doesn't feel right to made it to have made you Absolutely concede in defeat like that Humiliate you in front of everyone. Oh Yes, no, I I didn't have it in me to go on I'll gladly take the L on this one Oh here how about this Just so you don't have to walk away with nothing, if you feel there's a way you can earn it more fairly, I'll take Usur's Wager, and I'll challenge you, and you'll probably beat me pretty easily.

With your little fizzle-fizzle finger magic. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Sure! I mean, I'll definitely do... I could do... you don't have like... you're not like... super powerful in the same way like you know While I can accidentally do a galey licton comma. Oh look see I lit that candle. That's that's that's about it. Oh Okay, seems pretty evenly matched well. I'll take your wager sir

Okay, draw this line again in the ground your wager sir okay draw this line again in the ground yeah a lot of the blood and stuff erased the previous line it looks like okay yeah it's a there's that's that kind of you know it looks like someone put red on sort of a I guess chalk chalk yeah like chalk I couldn't think of what chalk looked like Duncan do you want us to bag up some of this blood you can take it home with you? Are you talking to me? Oh Yeah, oh no Yeah, yeah, let's put it in a bag. I'll put it in well. I guess I I'm gonna have to leave my pants there aren't I? Yeah, they're permanent

I guess if you could put it in a napkin and and just sort of tie it up that would be great Oh, there's no concern about that. One of my most powerful spells is to bag up the blood. Oh, wow. Okay, glad I didn't take that in the face. Ifrano call to sun, the heart of the dark heart. There you go. Arnie, did you not want to tell Duncan

that you're the greatest warrior in all of Foon? Oh, I guess. I mean, I don't really want to fight him. I guess I'm just in case By the way Duncan. I'm also the greatest warrior in all food. It's not magic related, but I did No, no, it's not magic related at all Oh and Duncan you can stop stretching that menu is gonna prevent you from trying to do what you're trying to do It's right in the way. I'm doing a plastic thing Okay, well, you know if it's not magic related I don't think it applies to this so thanks for the disclosure Absolutely, I'm ready to rock and roll. All right. Oh and of course some

Does our heart go first? Yep, okay, I go first. Yeah. Yeah, okay Hospitality rules. Yep. Okay. I go first. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um So I get close and then I guess I put my hand really close to your face Yeah as close as you want. This is actually a good a palate cleanser. I'm sure okay I guess just gaily looked in common Seems like that did a lot more damage than I would have expected Arnie what did you do? Are you wearing like? The inside of my eyes lit on fire

Sorry, I guess I didn't do close. Yeah, you can't do that close. He said from this line down. Oh I'm gonna go to the bar. I'm gonna go to the bar. You can do that. Get you a healing potion Gonna get a healing potion be right back. Yeah I'm so sorry. I forfeit my turn. Oh, what? Oh, don't get Okay Chant here's the thing my turn you want you want to be my turn I was thinking the same thing because Because this is a bonding exercise. We should all smack this guy, right?

2v1? Well, if you want to tap in, he probably won't even know. I burned his eyes. Lay it on me. I can take it. I was just thinking I would just poke him in the head with my finger or something. Because one, I don't have other magic spells. And also, I don't want to accidentally hurt him. Yeah

All right, why don't you just pick me up and and smack me? Smack him with me. Does that make sense? Okay? Is that but be honest chant? Will that make you make me horny? Yeah. Yeah, did somebody say horny? Okay, never mind. Drop me. I don't do it Okay, All right fine I'm just kind of like flicking in the face with with my finger Just just and I'll say some bullshit magic and pretend like it's a magic spell yeah Okay, Duncan potato grease here comes bibbidi-bobbidi-boo pink. Oh, that's nice Why is there pumpkin growing out of his head? The pumpkin.

There's a pumpkin. Uh oh. I know. I can't. My eye is covered in darkness and my eyes are burnt out, but I know the smell and size of a pumpkin anywhere. From the inside, you can feel the shape and size of a pumpkin. I know I'm in a pumpkin.

Already speaking of, this year I feel like we should finally make those jack-off lanterns you were talking about. Shh, no, no, that's something I'm working on in private. Here, here, here. I got you the 64 ounce big heel. Is this for me? This is for you. Drink it down. Can you carve the top of the pumpkin? Yeah, I can carve the top of the pumpkin. Hyah!

Here you go, I'm gonna pour a little in. Pour a little in. Okay, I'm opening my mouth. There you go. Like a baby bird. Ah. There you go. Okay, guys, I think I gotta give up. I think I gotta give up. Yeah.

And I think I gotta leave. And I'm just gonna pretend I didn't come here. Yeah. And ruin your winning streak? Oni. Look, I don't- I'm- I can do maybe one more round, but I think that's it. I don't- I, uh, for me, it feels absolutely criminal to lose and ruin my- my win streak, but I'm not quite sure if there's an end game for me that makes sense. Yeah, I think that makes sense, Duncan.

Maybe I guess at best we could call it a draw. I'll take a draw. Yeah. I'll take a draw. Yeah, draw. I mean, I was trying really hard to throw that. Also, I am not powerful at all. You just seem really fragile.

Like maybe you sort of loosened you up too much. But I think you should not let anybody try to rock you in the face from now on. I've learned I've learned a lot here today. And I'm going to take these lessons back home and I'm probably not going to play that game anymore with anyone outside of my cousins. Yeah, that's great. This is a game for cousins. This is a game for cousins. This is a game for cousins.

We've been trying to tell you Duncan. When you hear that sentence, usually you hear something bad. But in this case, or you're watching a Fast and Furious movie, but this makes, listen to that. Family. Yeah. It's all about... It's all about family. It's all about cousins.

Duncan, it's been wonderful to have you here today and I'm so glad that you learned so much and I only wish I could say the same yeah me too well you're all my best friends and I'll see myself out this door okay he's floating up to the ceiling yeah yeah I mean that's kind of magic I guess ready and float kind of bumping against the ceiling like a lost balloon. I'm out. See ya. Let's- someone get a stick and just push him through the window.

Just keeps waving at us from up there. Here, I can hit him with one of the stools. So long! Oh, that knocked him out. Sorry, it didn't knock him out through the window, it knocked him out. Oh. Here, I'll pour a little more healing potion on him. There you go. There you go.

Duncan! Okay, so long! So long! So long. Just try to... Just give him a nudge. He'll float away. I-I fell back- I got my heel stuck.

Okay. Okay. Well, that was weird. Yeah, I was so weird. So long. Goodbye! He's making his voice trail off, but he's still deeply stuck in the floor weird. So long. Goodbye! He's making his voice trail off, but he's still deeply stuck in the floorboards.

So long. I'm just so happy to finally have a friend. Just keep the shoe, just keep the shoe. He's like a living ghost. He's just... So long. Huh? Wow, there goes the horniest guy I've ever met.

He's only horny. Hehehe. Hehehe. I'm gonna miss him. Well, I mean, I guess I won't because he's still gonna be here for a long time, but- Yeah. But eventually I'm gonna miss him. Eventually, yes.

What a nice guy. You guys- hey! Do you guys wanna play... Rock each other in the face with magic? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, that'll look like fun. Alright. Alright, Arnie. Stand over here. I'll go first. No.

And they played Rock Each Other in the Face with Magic for 73 more minutes. And someday that will be a Patreon episode. Shudder. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Dunkin' Potato Grease was played by special guest Zach Oyama. For more Zach, listen to the Rotating Heroes podcast on Headgum, and check out Dimension 20 on Dropout TV.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Grace Bormetti, Dexter DeLeon, okay there's a lot of parentheses in this one which don't exactly leap from the page in an audio format, but it's D'Thaniel Quinn Yarvin and his Dr. Princess Lady, Bex Marie, Jonathan Putnam, Adel-Iden. I think that's when Adel joins with four other Adels to become one giant Adel capable of ruining even the strongest level of narrative continuity. Joshua, Rita Oh, Emily Mollarchi, Cree, Emma Emma from Sweden and Kali Kay Patrons get ad-free episodes all the spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month

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To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited, nay, stitched together from threadbare scraps of comedy with only hope to guide them by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Owlard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hello, I'm Dax Shepard. And I'm Monica Padman. And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors,

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