Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 26 - Corpse Collector (w/ Anna Garcia)

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

Winthrop McRottibotti is here to collect any dead bodies and see what they have in their pockets.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiWinthrop McRottibotti: Anna GarciaDuncan Potatogrease: Zac OyamaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris Rathjen and Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello, I'm Dax Shepard. And I'm Monica Padman. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. We're so excited to officially be a part of the Wondry Network. So follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to Armchair Expert on YouTube. If you're looking for a new football podcast to keep up with the latest action from the

NFL and college football this season, tune into to The Offensive Line, hosted by yours truly, Annie Agar. We talk more s*** than your fantasy group chat, so buckle up and join me for a good laugh all season long. Watch The Offensive Line on YouTube and listen on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. People avert. The following podcast is not real. But if all the children of the world gathered their wishes and combined the power of their hope to make a fragile dream come true, then mate no, I can't even say that.

Children of the world, you have better things to do. Also the amount of logistics around all wishing at the same time. Can you imagine the scheduling doodle one of you would have to send out? Assuming your parents are even giving you access to a computer. Children of the world, go outside. Read a book. Or, if you are combining your wish power for one thing, make it something big with worldwide value, aka no more A Quiet Place movies. We get it, we've explored the world. The only thing quiet about those films now is the box office. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello for the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift,

and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host Chunt the Talking Badger. Bing bong. Hey Ernie, how you doing? Hey buddy, I'm doing pretty good. Oh sorry. Am I in here still? Yeah Duncan, you remember Duncan from last week that we got he got blasted in the face by a lot of magic? Oh yeah the guy who was he talking about horny or? Did somebody say it? Duncan! No!

Okay. He's still floating up near the ceiling. That's... I think it's for the best. We're not talking to you! Okay, bye! For real this time! He can't get out. For real! Do you have like a broom or something?

We can like try to swat him towards a window? Uh, yeah, I think we have a couple brooms. We got a rake, got a hoe, got a spear, got a mace. You just carry these around? Arnie, do you not have a bag of holding? Oh dear, you must get one. No, I've just been carrying my, I still have my car keys

and I don't even have my car anymore. And I just keep it in my pocket. Arnie, how much do you think this weighs? How much do you think is in here? Yes? I don't even know how much things. I don't even know what I'm I don't even know what an average amount of weight is Oh Okay, I Can't even formulate a sentence about it. That's all I know. Hey, I'm sorry. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. I'm sorry

Let me just here. Let me ease your sweet little head Arnie What's your hey, let's tone things down a bit. What's your favorite story? My favorite story. Yeah, maybe I really love the book the things they carried I really Probably one of my favorite books Arnie. Are you just saying that because I was talking about the bag of holding I mean it sounds like it doesn't it? But no, that is actually legitimately, canonically my favorite book. What are some of the things they carried? Well, they carried letters from home, you know, they carried their weapons, they carried

the extra socks because rotfoot is one of the worst things that can happen to you in war. But also they carry the burden of what they were doing in this war. What's that? Oh, I said, who's Rottfoot? He sounds villainous. There's no one in Foon named Rottfoot? Oh, yes, there's several people named Rottfoot. King Tiberius Rottfoot. King Smelton Rottfoot. A lot of kings, it sounds like. Oh, there's Rottfoot Fox. Rottfoot. A lot of kings it sounds like. Oh there's Rottfoot Fox.

Rottfoot Fox? Oh yes. The guy, him and his son do something. Can't remember what. Dan Rottfoot. Dan Rottfoot? Yeah that's the guy named Dan who's sitting down at the end of the bar. His family name is Rottfoot. Oh interesting.

Oh I'm also joined by my other co-host, Ysador the Wizard! I am Ysador, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakis, the elves know me as Fjängjallak, the dwarves know me as Zodin and Hoogstengis, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar. And there may be other secret names. Who'd names that if I did err utter them aloud? Most assuredly, your eyebrows would continue to grow and grow and grow until you could

no longer see through your eyes. Ysitor, Arnie was just telling me about his favorite story. It's about people carrying socks and letters. Oh, fun. Yeah. Also, Ysitor, I noticed a lot of your secret powers involve the eyes, like just things happening to eyes. Have you ever noticed that?

Well, they're the window to the soul. Yeah, I guess that's true. And if I get your soul, then I can control you. Bring out your body. Bring out your body. Bring out your body. Hello, if anyone's got any dead bodies, bring them out, please. Oh, Chant, do you have any dead bodies? Okay, pads, my pants.

I don't think so. Let me look at my bag. A holding? No, nothing here. You still, Arnie? Yeah, hold on one second. I think I have some just in the other room. I'll be right back. Come on now, bring them out. Put them on my cart. I'm I have some just in the other room. I'll be right back.

Come on now, bring him out. Put him on my cart. I'm sorry, I'm sure we must have. We usually have some dead bodies lying around. Yeah, needs to get them. I mean, I feel like if Duncan keeps floating around the ceiling, he's gonna be dead soon. What's he doing up there? Is he dead? He's trying to leave, I think. He's just... He thinks he's leaving. Alright, headed out the door for real

He got blasted in the face by so much magic. He smells rotten in here like dead I know it's mostly him. I think and maybe uh maybe Dan Rotfoot as well That's similar to my last name. Oh, what's your what's your full name? Well?'m Winthrop. Winthrop McRotty-Botty. Winthrop McRotty-Botty. That's right. I collect the deads around here I do. Is that a family name McRotty-Botty? Yeah my dad was a McRotty-Botty and my great dad was a McRotty-Botty. And my wife was a McRotty-Botty until she died. Ooh, any relation to the Hanover body-ot-y-otties? Oh, um, yeah, probably. We've got some cousins in the same circles.

Yeah, I think we're all related. I think everyone in Foon is related. Yeah, well, we've all sort of... I fucked nearly everyone in this town. Wow! I don't want to hear that from the person collecting dead bodies. You don't want to know what I... Never mind.

You know, we don't want to know when. Yeah, we don't... Yeah. Anyway, thank you, thank you. Put them on the cart. There you go, I just had a couple in there. Uh, oh, I'm exhausted. I accept tips, you know.

Oh, of course, of course. I've got to lug these bodies. I accept tips, you know, oh of course, of course my Bodies, I'm not the corner too. Oh, yeah, it's too silver that how's that? That's enough. Thanks. How about you lot? Let's why don't I check the pockets of the dead body you so yeah down here. Oh, yeah, here's some here's some coin Oh, that doesn't count because I would have taken that money anyway. I want it from you. Oh, I see. A little side business. Oh, actually, I see on your cart you're also selling your autobiography, the things they buried. That's right! I'll take a copy of that book.

Alright, it's twelve. Oh, shoot, I should have just gave you four. What am I doing? It's twelve plus a meal actually. Oh, well we do serve food here at the Wanderlust. Would you like a meal? Please pull up a seat. I'll go get you something from the bar. What would you like?

I'll take whatever you've got at the rawest you've got it. The rawest? I want something with some chew to it. All right, I'll see what they have on the raw side. Oh, you sort of, would you mind getting some food for Chantani as well? Sure, what would you like? Everyone put in your orders right now.

Okay. I don't know if I want something that's the rawest. I'm just not sure. I'll take a sinupita. A sinupita, okay. That sounds good. I didn't know they had that sort of stuff here. Oh yes, we have a wide range of delicacies.

Could I have frog? A frog? Sure. To eat. Yeah, well, you can have it to eat. You can have it to play with. You can have it as a friend. In that case, I'll take two frog, one alive, one to eat.

One alive, one to eat. Okay, two frogs. Smart, smart. Seems like that's gonna be traumatizing for one of those frogs. Well, I won't let the frog that lives watch. That's wrong. That's gonna be bad. We should also say we do waffle frogs.

We do shoestring frogs. I want waffle frog. Yeah, that's the best way. Waffle frogs, Sydney Peter. Arnie, what would you like? Hmm, I'll have whatever's the opposite of the rawest. Not helpful. Cook-ist, innit? Yeah, cook-ist. I'll give whatever is the opposite of the rawest not help cook this didn't it? Yeah, cookest I'll give you the cook thing. We've got anyway and nails all around

I show you right back and get yourself something wonderful. What a generous man. I can get myself something Yeah, get yourself something big guy. I'll be right back and also to be clear Winthrop. He's not generous I own this tavern so I'm the generous one but he's helpful Oh, I had the impression that he was a rich man Was it all the bird shit that he's covered in that made you think that guy's got a lot of money because you know The thing about bird shit is that it's good luck and if birds choose the the luckiest in that way and the luckiest are often the wealthiest Just like me me I'm

dirt poor and got no luck yeah we're chatting with us for a little bit we'd love to get to know you a little better sure can I have another coin from when he is hmm this is like a time release thing he doesn't I just want one I need another probably I mean if it's gonna cost another coin I'd rather just read your autobiography on the podcast and you can have time That's for do you for you to read it home? You're with people now Here here, here's a coin. Thanks. Whoo-hoo coin added Anyway, what you want to know how'd you get started? Picking up dead bodies. Well, it's in the name migrati body

My great-grandfather actually started the service to pick up dead bodies because it was during the 14th dark plague And that's when people started dropping all left and right I appreciate that like 14 plagues in someone was like we got to do something about this We got started getting rid of these bodies Well if things were starting to accumulate They were bodies on top of bodies and diseases forming inside the bodies and maggots and things Sorry, we had to my grandfather had the idea. He's an innovator that way That being said my dad took it over

I've taken it over. I'm not a nepo baby. I know what you're thinking. It's actually quite a thankless job. It's not easy. You've got to be strong and you've got to have a really weak sense of smell, which I've got. Um, not to... I'm not trying to like get you or anything. Yes, little dog. I'm a badger, but I'm not trying to like put the screws to you but you are a necro baby. No, no that's actually a common misconception. I work in the family business. Okay tomato, tomato.

If I was a nepo baby I'd have a million dollars but I'm just scraping by. Oh I'm sorry I didn't say nepo baby I assume you're not. I said necro baby. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't say nepo baby. I assume you're not. I said necro baby. Oh, that's mighty good, mate. I am a necro baby. I take the dead, even if they're babies. Do people ever accuse you of not earning this job? Like, are people ever sort of like,

oh, look at them, dragging away dead bodies. That's quite the life. They must have had connections. Well, here's the thing. Yes. Yes, mostly because Because they see it because it's such a reliable job, especially in this town that it's like it's nice work If you can get it again, thankless, but nice work So people always see how regularly employed I am They see me taking coins out the pockets of the dead and they go gosh how'd they get such a job like that so we you know people do think it oh of course they would think

that here are all your ales I just came back and your food here's my frog your frog oh here's your live frog hello little one and Arnie here's a steak burnt to the crisp. Oh, okay. Cooked. Now, I couldn't help but overhear the last thing you said. Arnie's, you see, our tavern here, the Wanderlost. It travels from town to town, ambulating upon its own legs. So we haven't been here in Neverdell for very long, but Arnie, collecting the dead is a very lucrative deal in this part of the world. That's right. Do people die more often in Neverdell than other places? Oh yeah, we're sort of rampant with disease.

And there are several people who don't work at all, and mostly they just kick the dirt. They're called dirt kickers. Yeah. And they see that someone coming by collecting the dead, and they're like, oh, I wish I could collect the dead. They kick dirt at me. It's rude. That is rude. I sometimes get it in my lungs and I cough,

and I'm like, I'm going to be a dead one next. That's interesting. Who collects you? My wife used to collect me. She died and I collected her. I heard that she passed away. Wow, Ysidor. Why? Why did you lead us down that path? That's so sad.

I'm so sorry to bring up your wife who passed away. It's OK, people say I've got the aura of someone with a dead wife. I hate to say it, but you do. You do. You're giving dead wife. Yeah, I'm always giving that. Yeah, you're serving dead wife. Yeah, so let me giving that. Yeah, you're serving dead wife. Yes, let me cast a quick spell. Erath Trulun Talahtha.

And now I can see your aura, quite visibly. Oh. Yeah, that seems like a dead wife aura to me. Yeah, no surprises there. She's dead as rocks. Oh, what was her name? Her name was Galintha. Galintha, what a beautiful name.

And how did you two first meet? Well, we met when her dad died. She was crying over his dead body in the town square. Because he was killed with an arrow. Young, he was not old. And so she was crying over him wailing. And I sat down with her and I'm an empath, you know. I sort of was feeling

her sadness and I took it on and I said gosh this must be tough do you have any coins and it made her smile. She did have coins she was really wealthy and so she gave me some coins and then I this was cute I went down to the store and I bought her a rose and I brought the rose back to her and then we kissed on her dead dad. Oh what a beautiful story. On her dead dad? Well that is where they met. Sure. It's where we met. We used to have dates back there and I've actually never removed her dad's body because it's sort of landmarks where we met. Something special. Have a picnic there. Yeah. Carve your name in it. Somewhere to go for never removed to dead's body because it's sort of landmarks where we met. Sentimental. Yeah, something special.

Have a picnic there. Yeah. Carve your name in. Somewhere to go for anniversaries. Yeah, it's lovely. So Winthrop, you said you're an empath, but I wonder, is it just that it must not be hard to tell how people are feeling if your job is collecting people's dead bodies? What do you mean by that?

It doesn't take a lot of emotional awareness to be like, you seem sad. I'm collecting your father's body. Alright, well come for me why don't you? There's levels to sad in it. And Arnie, I will come to Winthram's defense here. Please. Had I shot an arrow at one of mine enemies, like your deceased wife's father. That's right, he got shot in the head. Perhaps I would be joyful that there was a dead person there because I had just murdered them because they were one

of the forces of evil and you should all exist on this world to ensure that evil is destroyed in all its forms is this guy always like that he always oh he never really worse like he should be making he's like giving a speech and there's just us for Fear not for you. So there's a never relented his quest to defeat evil Yeah, a lot of times They'll like set up shop and like sell different oils or he'll be like here's bars and so but there's a gold coin in one Of them stuff like that. I've bought one of those trying to get a coin. Yeah and then I'll kill them all. I love coins. All right welcome back mate. Oh sorry yeah yeah I just uh I don't know where I went there.

Speaking of welcome back why don't we take a quick break? All right. That seems like the opposite. At a time when we're debating where policing is going, we're going to tell you where the police came from. From Wondry and Crooked Media, I'm Chinjarah Kumanika, and this is Empire City, the untold origin story of the NYPD. Follow Empire City on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. This is the emergency broadcast system. A ballistic missile threat has been detected inbound to your area.

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The missiles are coming. What am I supposed to do? Featuring incredible performances from Tracy Letts, Mary Lou Henner, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Paul Edelstein, and many, many more, Incoming is a hilariously thrilling podcast that will leave you wondering, how would you spend your last few minutes on earth?

You can binge Incoming exclusively and ad-free on Wondery+. Join Wondery+, and the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Winthrop, can I ask, you mentioned before the levels of sadness. How many levels of sadness are there? 12.

12, do you mind listing all twelve of them? Right. Well, there was twelve, but seven are really specific, so I'll just do the five. Oh, OK. Fair. So the first one is generally sad, where you're sort of feeling a lethargic or sad, where it's like, can't quite put my finger on it, but I am sad. No, sure.

One. Second is sad out of anger Someone's wronged you and your combo angry sad like sort of someone breaks up with you or stabs you in the knee to Number three is your horny and you're angry Shut up oh does he need help? Yes, lovely all right looks like a little balloon up there Look if he keeps talking i'll just go blast him in the face with magic perfect that sounds right number four is um Is a very particular kind of sadness where someone is dead which is the one that I deal with the most

But then within that there's a subsect of if you're happy they're dead which causes a lot of conflicting feelings Which gets into the 12 of them and then there's your sad 4.5 Which is sort of a double sad and that's also one of the 12 4.7. Yeah, that's right So that's 4.1 from point 2 sort of and then number then number five is when you want to sort of end your own life. Oh, five. Five. Sads. That one's tough. That one is tough. That is a tough one.

I hope that you have found some joy and aren't feeling sad. I know you've lost your wife, but it seems like you've thrown yourself into your work and you're making the best of it out here, finding coins where you can. Yes, I've collected many a coin and collected many a body. Winthram, how, I hate, I'm so sorry, I keep coming back to this. How long ago did you lose your wife? Oh, four days.

Oh, and already back to work. Well, someone's gotta bring home the bacon. Yeah. Your card, I noticed, has quite a few dead bodies stacked pretty high. Right. I hate to ask this. Like. She's in there. Yeah. OK. Yeah, she's in there.

Don't look. Fourth from the bottom. Yeah, fourth from the bottom. She does look very wealthy, to be fair. We could pick it up quite easily. When she died, it was tough because her, she had this rare disease that's been going around where your organs explode

then try to put themselves back together. So she looks a little different, but I put her in her nicest petticoat. That's nice. That's very thoughtful of you. Unfortunately, I don't get any of her family's riches. So that's why I'm working so hard. We signed a prenup and everything so

Yeah, she didn't want me to have a money and that's okay because I've got a family business Why what why did she not want you to have her family's money because it's her family's I don't know It's hard to be like a successful woman I think around here and so she was very proud of the fact that she had money. Yeah well, I ground here and so she was very proud of the fact that she had money. Yeah. Well, where does all the money go then? Did she have siblings or is her mother still alive? I know her father passed and still out in the town square. I'm going to be completely real with you.

Please. I am on the hunt for the money. She mentioned that it was buried somewhere in town and she gave me a riddle and I've been trying to solve it riddles everything she gave it to me okay I try we know you hate riddles but yeah here we can all agree we all hate riddles but we like treasure stupid but yeah let's let's hear the riddle. Okay, okay You won't think it's stupid when you hear it. It's really good It goes like this on this piece of scroll I found in her hand coiled up

Under and under turning asunder What you seek is not for you though try as you might Sticky as glue oh I oh I'm gonna ask you a question. Did your wife write poetry by chance? It sounds like bad poetry no um She actually was an aspiring writer. That's that's true. Which is why I think the riddle's so good. Yeah It's a cum Excuse me That's that's true, which is why I think the riddles so good. Yeah Is it come?

Excuse me Excuse me. I'm just trying to think of things that could be are I'm so I'm so sorry about my co-host He keeps pitching this show called is it come and what we do is we take out two cakes Well, one of them is a cake, but the other one, when you cut into it, it's cum. That's disgusting, you guys, a while. I know. It also sounds boring, to be perfectly frank. That being said, there's a ton of bodies in my cart with cum on them, so feel free to take a look. I don't know the tree's sum of... I know! What is it? You figured something out? I don't have a very big brain, so this will be very helpful.

I had a lot of follow-up cum, but we can we can skip over those. Enough of those. Here in Neverdell, there's an entrance to a dungeon right beneath the the stickiest, sweetest maple producing tree in all of town. Why? Under and under and then this glue pot. Yeah, the glue is the sap of the tree. Would you mind telling us the riddle again word for word? Just so we make sure we're not missing any- Under and under, turning to sundown.

Under and under. Et cetera, et cetera, sticky. Sorry, real quick. Yes, little dog, what are you saying? Well, I was going to say, since everybody else was going, I also have questions. Or at least had, but I would like to cede my time for Arnie's come questions. Okay, well, how about we go back and forth? Go ahead, dog. Arnie's come questions. Okay, well how about we go back and forth? Go ahead, dog.

Arnie? Oh, well no, I was just curious to hear the riddle again first of all. Right, under, under, turning a sunda. Mm-hmm. What rhymes with glu? Something. The thing that's tough is I lost the scrolls,

so I've sort of been freestyling every time I tell it to someone Yeah, so we might be way off under another It's not for you It's not for you. It's sticky like glue sticky like glue Is it crazy for me to call for a scene? Is it crazy for me to call for a scene? Call for a what? No. I've never been satisfied.

I can't hear you little dog, what'd you say? I'm sorry to interrupt here. Winthrop, I like you, but I just want you to know my friend Chunt here. He's a badger, he's not a dog. I've never heard of that breed of dog. It's not a breed of dog, it's its own animal. It's a mutt then. But you do look a little bit like a cute little dog.

Oh thank you. Yeah, you sort of thank you. I just, you know, I pick and choose my battles and um... Have we ever petted you behind the ears? Could I try please? Do you like scritches? Oh yeah, I love scritches. Let's give him some scritches.

Yeah please. Good doggie, good doggie. Now if Winthrop finds a coin behind your ear, he gets to keep it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Fuck fuck gotta stop storing money in my fur. You've got more in there. What if I give you a belly rub or something? Oh my silver my silver Good doggie. Oh my silver, my silver! 20 coins?! What the hell? Are you loaded or something, rich dog?

Where'd you get all this money? Um... Do I have to tell you? Yeah. You asked and that's only the right thing to do. You do have to tell me. Especially if you're a cop. Um, I'm not a cop. Okay. Youssef, can I talk to you... Acab, all coins are beautiful!

Mm-hmm. We can all agree on that. Yes, what is it, Chunt? You know how Arnie sleeps with his door open? Yeah. I've been charging ten gold for people to come and take a little peek at Arnie sleeping. And people want to pay money to do that. Yeah, I guess people have heard, you know, word has finally all corners all four corners of food that there's an earthling here Even though he's been here for quite a fucking time and they're like, oh, it's the greatest warrior

In all the food so I just started charging for people to just take a little look. It's harmless Chunt sorry. I've been hearing you're exploiting your friend. Uh Oh like he hasn't been exploiting us whoa, I've walked into some sort of dynamic here You know, it'll make us all feel better lying down in the body cart and pretending we're dead Oh, that's sound fun. That's sound fun. Although looking at this card I think you're right a lot of these bodies are covered in cum. I'm a little sticky sticky sticky sticky over there I'm a little sticky sticky sticky sticky over there. Where'd it go? Yuck. Well, it's well known that when one shuffles off this mortal coil that they that they release

bodily fluids and Defecate themselves and have one one final orgasm, right? It's gotta feel so good to shit and come at the same time Oh, I see some of these dead bodies and I go, yeah, it probably sucks that you're dead, but I can imagine that you had a really good go of it right before you ended. Right. Oh, I've been shot by an arrow, but whoa. Holy moly. And some of the faces on these dead bodies, you'd think they'd be upset they're dead,

but they're in pure ecstasy. Oh, most of these bodies look really pretty happy or excited. A lot of O faces. Yeah, they're quite joyous. Well, let's go ahead and hop on the pile. Let's see how we feel. See how it feels.

Whee! Whoa! Ugh! Oh, this is fun. This isn't bad. Oh, I'm trying to get comfortable. You guys look great up there. If you die, you'd be a handsome corpse, all of you.

Oh, thank you. Exquisite even. You know, as I'm laying here on a pile of dead bodies, I'm reminded at the beginning when you were saying that Neverdell has such a high death rate because of all the spreading of disease. Yeah, there's tons and tons of diseases. They're inescapable.

Yeah, take a big deep breath while you're up there and feel how good it feels to be alive. Look, I crawled in one of their mouths and I'm now controlling their body from the inside. Oh, my name is Greg, probably. That's so amazing. I've never seen that done before. What a good dog you are.

Oh, I can't get out. Now, Arnie, sorry to go backwards here, but why are you concerned about the diseases? There are three pastimes here in Neverdale. Kicking dirt, rolling down a pile of dead bodies. Two. And catching diseases. Three.

So I don't see how they're connected. Our town mascot is a giant germ. Hmm. Do many people in Foon know how diseases are spread? Of course they know. They know that little tiny demons collect the diseases and bring them and drop them into their air at night. Right, of course.

The germ demons. Yeah, Arnie, so for example, I don't know if you'll be able to comprehend this, you've probably had a cold since you've been in food. Yes. Yeah, the way you get a cold is in the middle of the night. A witch shrinks down to the size of a mouse and crawls through a keyhole into a room. Then she turns herself into pure fog, and as the fog rises, it seeps into your nostrils and eyes and ears and mouth and butthole.

Why do witches do this? Even they don't know. Our top scientists can't figure it out. And of course, in Nevadale, the way you get diseases is you get intimate with someone in someone else's bed and they spit right in your mouth. And then those go inside you. That's the other way, exchanging bodily fluids. Right. That's why most people sleep and fuck with their mouth shut. That's right, I've never once fucked with an open mouth.

I see. That's why I'm not dead yet. Pretty woman rules. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. Hey podcast listeners, have you heard, you can listen to your favorite podcasts ad free? I'll be right back. free or go to amazon.com slash ad free podcasts. That's amazon.com slash ad free podcasts to catch up on the latest episodes without the ads. Being a part of a royal family might seem enticing, but more often than not, it comes at the expense of everything like your freedom, your privacy, and sometimes even your head. Even the Royals is a podcast from Wondery that pulls back the curtain on royal families

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Okay. Under and under something asunder. Something as something as something sticky. Sticky like glue. Yeah, it's not for you. Sticky like glue. Sticky like glue. Yeah, it's not for you, sticky like glue. Sticky like glue. Oh, here's the tree. Oh, this is the maple tree you spoke of. It looks like it's covered in cum. Yes. It does.

It's a particularly sappy maple tree, and also people like to jizz all over it. Goodness gracious. So both, it could work for both reasons. Right, right, right. Right, that's true. This is a very famous tree in our town, but I've never seen it up close. I've only heard talk of it.

Guys, is Maple Syrup just tree cum? Oh yeah. Yeah. And when trees die, all the cum comes out. Think about that the next time you have pancakes. Now, let me find the secret entrance. How do you know all this stuff? I am one of the greatest wizards in all of food. Oh is he gonna do that thing again? There's no bit of knowledge that escapes my sight for I know all. He's not even looking

at any of us. It's crazy. Oh doorknob on the roots. Doorknob on the roots everyone. No I shall never be defeated. Hey wait, hey dude. What? We found a doorknob on the roots. Doorknob on the roots, everyone. DOORNOB ON THE ROOTS! Hey, wait! Hey, dude! We found a doorknob on the roots. Little dog found doorknob on the roots because he's so low to the ground. Ah, my magic has revealed it. No. What the fuck? I don't think so. I think that doorknob has just always been here.

Okay, well, you know, you say potato, I say potato. And I say patiti. Do you? You call potatoes patiti's? Yeah. When my wife would make me stew, she'd I say patiti do you you call potatoes patiti's yeah my wife would make me stew she called patiti stew Winthrop I feel like I have not been asking you the right question so Winthrop before we go down and do this the the roots of this tree I have to ask what do you call Wile E potatoes

what do I call Wile E potatoes yeah you Wile Potatoes, the rat with a wand stuck through them? Oh, oh, I call those Skin-a-Marink Petitees. And gosh are they good. Oh wow. Sucks it, that's actually a way better name. I hope you enjoyed eating your frog, but we have this frog friend with us. Right, my little guy. I think we should send the frog in first to see if there's any danger ahead. No, not Grape. You already named him Grape. His name's Grape. Oh, okay, well, then I'll go.

And if there's any danger down here, I shall most assuredly overcome it. Wait, should we all go? Is he? I just feel like we can all go with him. Yeah, we could go. Why is he... Hey, we're gonna come after you, alright? Ow!

Uh-oh. That really hurt. You scraped your knee! I fell down and scraped my knee. Oh, geez, you tripped on this rock. So it's not even a trap or anything, you just fell. You tripped over a rock. Yeah, but I fell pretty hard, right on my knee. Grape jumped right over the rock. Good job, Grape.

Good word, Grape. Good word, Grape. Good job, Grape. Fucking show off. Yeah, we all kinda jumped over. You ate shit, Ysidor. You absolutely ate shit. Well, I don't know if I eat shit as much as I... Embarrassing.

As I took one for the team. For, no you didn't, you just fell. Oh, like you wouldn't have? What, you saved us from tripping over that one rock? Oh, like you wouldn't have? What, you saved us from tripping over that one rock? Whoa! Grape just put his little hand inside a frog hand-shaped opening, and it's unlocked a whole nother level! Whoa! We're so lucky we had a frog with us,

otherwise we wouldn't be able to get past this challenge! Thank you, Grape! You're such a hero! Go get it, Grape! Grape! Grape! Grape! Grape! Grape! Grape! Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape, Grape There's we go, spooky, spooky down here. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH You started- He turned around and walked back over the same rock and fell. I fell. Come down the stairs. We're going this way. Why are you going back to where the rock is?

Grape is moving the rock to the side. You shouldn't be able to trip on it anymore because Grape sees what you've done and has moved it out of the way. Fly you fools. Do what? You scraped your other knee, huh? I did. I did. Go on ahead. I'm staying back here to protect you.

No, no, no. Sorry, time out. Did you just call us fools? That's right. I'm trying to protect you. Go ahead. That was very condescending. I am not a fool.

I'm a working man and my services are very important to this town. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That was a backhanded warning, dude. I'll just, I'll protect us from the rear You just go ahead use her with that attitude. Why don't you go back to the tavern and hang out with Duncan Petitie grease? Blast him in the face with some magic do you want grape to escort you back? No, I'll be fine Worried about you

I'll be fine. Scraped worried about you. Oh, he fell again. Oh, my face. He scraped his face. I've never seen that before. You scraped your face? I scraped my face. Do you want a coin to make you feel better?

I would love a coin. Here you go. I've got lots of coins today from all of you. Yeah. You know what? I'm just gonna lay here. You go find the treasure. Okay.

All right. All right. I would I would normally insist you sure continues, but grapes been such an all-star Grape is really so epic love great. Well, he's soft look he's solving all these puzzles Oh My gosh great. He's swinging from vine to vine He's narrowly avoiding these spikes coming out from the side of the walls? He's making lateral thinking decisions that are solving puzzles in ways that you wouldn't naturally think you could solve them? Oh, wait, Grape, be careful, because in Foonish, goddesses starts with a J.

Oh, no, he got it, he stepped on the right thing! Good job, Grape! Good work,. Oh my god. Oh, no a giant rock is rolling towards great Big big rock is going straight towards my god Could it be you sit or serve a normal sized rock increases very small? He's a normal sized rock that would be so big to great is coming towards him It's moving slowly, but but it we're just standing here watching it happen and talking about it He is small. A normal sized rock that would be so big to Grape is coming towards him. It's moving slowly but we're just standing here watching it happen and talking about it.

I hope he's okay. Hey, Yushidor, Yushidor, use your rock-tripping powers to stop it. Here, here I come. I'm going to trip over the rock. He tripped before he got to the rock. He tripped on a different rock. Ah, the rock hit me in the head though. Frick.

Did Grape make it? I saved Grape, but just barely. I've only been hit on the head twice. Go on without me. I've done all I can. Alright, let's go down. Thank you for doing that and saving Grape, the real leader and hero here. I can't wait to build a statue to Grape that will stand forever in our tavern, Arnie. Do you agree? Agreed. Yeah, that's a great idea. I can put some coins toward it.

Of course, Ysidor will probably trip over it. Yeah, that's fair. I'll put it out of the way somewhere. Wow, there's a lot going on underneath this tree. I would never have guessed there's a cavern this big. It's more spacious than I anticipated. You have reached the center of the maze. Whoa! What are you? Who's this? I am the gnome who protects the treasure of your deceased wife's family. Is that the official name? That's right. The treasure of your Deceased Wife's Family? You don't know my wife's name? Yes, of course I know her name.

The family name was Rotfoot. Yeah, right. What's McRotty Body, right? I'm a McRotty Body. Well, no, I don't think that one is her maiden name. Oh, you're a McRotty Body? Yes. She never took my name.

I can see why. Now, you must answer the rid real if you want to win the prize No, we're not. I'm sorry here. We got we already did the ritual has four legs in the morning a frog Great two legs in the afternoon And three legs in the evening. You'll never solve my Is it a horny dog and three legs in the evening. You'll never solve my... giant bottle of griddle! Is it a horny dog? Ah!

It is! Whoa! I know we're very far from the tavern, but I feel like I can barely hear Duncan potato grease. I heard him. I heard him too. Did someone say horny? I heard a faint whispering.

Shit! It is a horny dog! How did you know? Why are you looking at me, Gnome? Because... I'm a badger. He brought a horny dog with him right down here! That's my good boy. Yeah, Chud, you gotta put that lipstick away.

That's, um, that's my... Oh, yep, okay, yeah, I'll put my lipstick away, yeah. Wait, actually, let me see if I can put it on my lips. Nope, can't reach. Question for you, Noam. Now that I've gotten the riddle right, can we go in and get the treasure, please? Yes, it's right here in this chest. It's all yours. This treasure chest. All right, everybody. This is a big moment for me. Because if I open this chest and there's real treasure and gold and rubies inside, I won't have to work so hard.

I could let the bodies pile up on the streets a little bit and take a day off. Maybe, I don't know, the plague will slow down and I'll even be able to go on vacation. It would be life changing, really. So please bear with me when I open it. Because I would be really excited if there's good inside. Yeah, I just hope it's not some bullshit like just a painting of family or something, right? Yeah, I really hope it's not like a book of her poetry or something.

Right, I'm worried it's going to be that but let's see. Oh, hey, Grape has something to say. Grape? Was that him? Say that again buddy. Grape what was that? It's a trap? Don't grab what's ever in the chest.

Quiet frog, who asked you? You speak frog? I speak frog. Listen, you guys, Grape is saying something. He says that whatever is in the chest is a trap and I shouldn't get it and my wife never loved me, which is hard to hear to be completely honest, but he is trying to look out for me. Damn, Grape tells it like it is. I'm really suffering mentally.

Winthrop, these last few days have been a real emotional rollercoaster for you. Sorry, an emotional what? Rollercoaster? What the hell is that? A rollercoa- oh fuck guys, I don't want to explain what a rollercoaster is. What is that? I've never heard of it. Tell me, human. It's like a mine cart ride.

Oh. Oh. I did that when I was a kid once my sister died on it tough Sorry here that but take the treasure. Hurry. No, I don't think it's a good idea Wait, please don't grab it I I shouldn't have grabbed it. I knew it was a trap. Ah, it's turning me inside out. Oh, he's shitting and coming. He's shitting and coming. I've never felt better. But inside out so it looks like it's going in. Is that how that works? Yeah. Am I saying that right?

There's a lot going on that I don't want to explain. I'm afraid this is gonna unveil a new plague on my town. Yeah, if anything would. Well, I think it's worth taking a long moment to really recognize that Grape saved all of our lives. Thank you, Grape. And the real treasure is being saved from the people you love secretly hating you and setting a trap for you to destroy you after they're dead. Those were beautiful words. Do you guys have any coins or anything like that?

When the gnome turned inside out, looks like his pants turned inside out with it, a bunch of coin fell out, so here's some. Okay, thank you. That'll just make me feel better about my wife leaving me this horrible, thank you. That'll just make me feel better about my wife leaving me this horrible, horrible gift. Yeah. What is it, Crate?

You gotta go to the bathroom? Oh, you want the wizard to leave? Yeah. He can't compete with you? He's nothing compared to you? Yeah, I know, I know, I know. Am I the only one that can't speak frog? Arnie, listen, really listen. Okay. You suck.

I heard it. Arnie, did you hear it? Maybe he said usador? You suck. Maybe he said usador? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm your understanding frog. When you meet a troll and they're like, at first you're like, oh, they're saying, but then they go, I'm going to kill you. And it clicks, right? Either this frog is a dick or I hate myself. Does anyone in your life love you? I'm experiencing one of those very specific kinds of sadness.

Which one out of the twelve? Sorry, I haven't gone over the last seven. Yeah, I think it's like nine or something. Yeah, that's the self-loathing kind, but not quite the kind where you want to take your own life. Yeah, well that's good. That's something. Hey, uh, Ysidor, can I talk to you over here by the inside-out dead gnome?

Yes, I was just fighting off a demon that was trying to take our flank. Oh shoot, I didn't even see it, thanks man. Ah, it was totally here. Let me reach in your robe and grab your healing rock and I'm just gonna fix you up here buddy. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, much better. I just wanna apologize.

I think the world of you, I love you. I was just trying to gas up this frog, you know. I feel like this frog, you know, he was probably in a tank with another frog and that frog got turned into waffle frog. Yeah, we were gonna make him into waffle frog too, so, you know. Yeah, so I was just trying to like really make this frog

have a great day and I think it did. That's great. But you're better than a frog. I think that goes without saying. Oh, thank you, Chunt. I think you're better than a frog, too. Oh, thanks, man. And Arnie, I want you to know, I love you.

Oh, I love you too, you, Sidor. And I love you, guys. Oh, Winthrop, even though we have just met, I have also grown very fond of you. I love you as well. Yeah, I love you, Winthrop. It'll be an honor to collect all your corpses one day. Thank you. I'm trying to remember if I owe my bones to the Bone Mage.

Bye Mage. Now, where was I? Ah yes, Usado the Wizard was played by Matt Young, Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffaei, Winthrop McRotty-Botty the Corpse Collector was played by special guest Anna Garcia. Check out Anna's feature film debut in the movie Fly Me to the Moon, currently available for rental and coming soon to Apple TV. And follow her at Scramby Eggs on all social media platforms.

Duncan Potato Grease, the guy floating near the ceiling of the tavern was played by Zach Oyama. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Sean Martin from New York, Kitty Meow-Wow, Laura Angela, Eric Sullivan,

Amber Ambrosia, Abidatha the Orange, ugh, we've all got a color now, Todd, Paul Doney, Nannel, and they write it short for Nathaniel, also it's long for too much information, Nannel,

Forest Leviticus, Kent Sparky Thompson, someone wants to be a photographer for a 1940s newspaper. Cheryl Wong Chung. Hercules and Josh Gillespie. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz,

Associate Producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Chris Rathjen and Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. At a time when we're debating where policing is going, we're going to tell you where the police came from. They wanted me to write about the New York City Police Department, but without using the words violence or corruption, which is effectively impossible. A story of how the largest

and most influential police department in the country became one of the most violent and corrupt organizations in the world. It doesn't matter if you're a self-emancipated by person or if you're a free, they're just sending people back to the South, kidnapping them. When officers with the power to fight the danger

become the danger. I was terrified. I'm not going to talk to the police because they're the ones who are perpetrating this. Who am I going to talk to? From Wondry and Crooked Media, I'm Chinjirah Kumanika. And this is Empire City, the untold origin story of the NYPD. Follow Empire City on the Wondry app

or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Empire City early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus.