Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 27 - Borghilde Now (w/ Rebecca Hanson)

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

Borghilde the Fortune Teller returns and she's really into grilled cheese now.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiBorghilde the Fortune Teller: Rebecca HansenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Kill List is a true story of how one writer uncovers a global conspiracy, taking matters into his own hands to warn those whose lives are in danger. Follow Kill List on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Kill List early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+. At a time when we're debating where policing is going, we're going to tell you where the police came from. From Wondry and Crooked Media, I'm Chinjarah Kumanika, and this is Empire City, the untold origin story of the NYPD.

Follow Empire City on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. As such, your expectations of it should be sufficiently lowered. But let me go ahead and say, lower them a little further. Like open that basement door, let your expectations tumble down the stairs, past the washer and dryer, past the box of mildewy holiday ornaments, and into the weird ditch where the sump pump does... whatever sump pumps do. Perfect. In this state of mind, you're ready to sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food.

I'm your host Ar Arne Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land

Of food and I'm joined as always by my co-host Chunt the talking badger pick a card any card Hmm, okay, whatever Do you want me to point at it pull it out? Well, I guess like touch it and pull it out sorry product card any card pull out a card any card okay I got this one now do I eat it do I like destroy it and then got it in one you eat it okay it's usually my first impulse yeah and I'll take this one yep just handing out snacks anybody else want a card anybody

want a card you want a card anybody want a card? Anybody want a card? You want a card? Anybody want a card? They're delicious everybody! I highly recommend them! And now for some magic. Oh, oh, no, go ahead. No, and now for some magic, Usador. I'm also joined by now some magic, Usador. I am Usador, wizard of the twelfth realm of aphesius, master of light and shadow, manip manipulator of magical lights devourer of chaos champion of the great halls of truckers the Ophiuchus fearin elk the dwarves know me is soon in hoax stengs John that worked. Oh shit. You sir loud again Throughout the northeast as gas manias me star Uh, Ysidor's voice all the way to the left side.

Name intro in reverse. Instanji's Angle's Rob. And Pluckus. Arnie, it's so hard to tell if he's actually doing it in reverse or if he's doing his classic sort of Ysidor like, rawr, rawr, rawr. It's tough because part of it is, to tell if he's actually doing it in reverse or if he's doing his classic sort of usidora like it's tough because part of it is part of it backwards is definitely ixtanjis right like yeah it's the same forwards as backwards ixtanji

oh it's a palindrome obviously so how are you doing guys both of you? Well first pick a card any card. When you say pick you mean pull it out and get it? No just pick a card. Okay the seven of clubs. Got it one. Oh he ate the card so we have to trust him. Yeah Arnie a lot of magic can fool his honor system. You know somebody would be like say any card they'll eat the card and then they'll go, yep, that was it. Trust me. Well, that's how it used to be until the wizards began their unholy ascent to fiefdoms and cruel martial law. How I've come to hate them. Oh, but let's get to our guest. Oh, yeah. It's an old friend of ours returning.

It's Borghild the fortune teller. Wow, Borghild? It's been like seven years since we've seen Borghild. Well, what is time, you know? I don't even know what it is, but I'm so happy to see all of you today. Thanks for asking me to join your little party. Oh, anytime. And I'm of you today. Thanks for asking me to join your little party. Oh, anytime. And I'm glad you asked.

Time is a plane that exists above and outside of our own plane of existence, and it can be mutated and altered, as well known by my good friend, Can the Wizard. Well, there you have it. I never had such an answer like that before. Happy to help. Dang, hey, everybody, pick a card, any card.

Here you go. Oh, I'm full. I'm full. Thank you. No, no, no, this one you donate. These are not needed cards, okay. No, they're not edible, no, no, no. I'm going to pick this one right here.

And I'll take this one at the end here. Can I look at it? Sure, it's an anniversary card, happy anniversary. Oh, thank you. Mine's a birthday card! Yeah, yeah! Happy birthday! Yeah, yeah! Arnie, you didn't pick a card. Mine just says sorry for your loss. Oh, so well timed.

You had a big baseball game that you lost and I'm real sorry about it. Oh fuck, I missed my big baseball game. Yeah, that's why you lost. Oh no! Look, I know things, okay? And you know, I just wanted to like put that in front. Like, sorry, we're gonna acknowledge the loss, then we're gonna move on,

cause that's what we do. Arnie, you've been so excited about starting a baseball team here on Food. I know, we haven't been doing it on the podcast, but every week for about the last five years, I've been teaching the people of Food how to play baseball. Five years. Putting together a rag tag team of baseball players and So many fun stories and characters and stuff that I'm like

I'm let's save it until after we have a game and we win to talk about it on the podcast And then I fucking forgot about the game and apparently we lost Yeah, cuz you didn't show up and, you know, that's not on you, but then it kinda is. So next time just be there. Yeah, I guess. Bootless Joe is gonna be pissed. Well, he's a cheater.

Yeah. Famously, yes. Arnie, shouldn't it be called a run home? Just some musings. Okay. This is why you were not invited to the baseball team, by the way, Chunt. Oh, and also because I swung at the ball and somebody said strike and so I hit him.

Yes. I mean the guy was literally asking for it. I know every opportunity for you to misunderstand any of the words involved in baseball you did and it's so much chaos ensued. Oh, yeah. Stole a base took it back to the sides there, everyone was pissed. Uh, ball one, I ripped off one of my testicles. Uh... Yes, that was the worst one. To watch.

Ball two wasn't great either. Well, I was back to sort of my factory resets. Uh, uh, uh, Broomhild? Borghild. I'm so sorry, Borghild. It's okay. It's a mouthful. You're standing next to that broom. Yeah.

Borg Held, it's so wonderful to see you. It's so great to have the cards you gave us and your general positive attitude. What the hell have you been up to? Let me tell you what I've been up to, where I've been, who I've seen, who I've missed out on, you know, the whole thing. Wow. That covers all of it. Yeah, you know the whole thing Wow that covers all of it Yeah, you know, I'm a pretty thorough girl. I'm still fortune telling

I believe the last time we saw you you were actually heading out on a quest weren't you? Yeah, I was headed to the Westlands with my half brother cuz we found out we had the same father Oh, the fan you'll quit. Yeah, thank you. Yeah that guy You know how when you discover you have a half-sibling? We've all been there, right? Yes. Well, yeah, we went out to find our father, and we did, and I gotta tell ya, he was a real bummer, you know?

Ironically, he was super tall, so tall I couldn't see his face, and he wouldn't lean over. Rude. And so I was like, you know what? I gotta ramble on, and I did. And so now, you know, I'm big on the scene. I follow a band around and I tell fortunes and I sell grilled cheese and I'm real happy with it. Last time we saw you, you sold fortunes, but in the seven years between, you have added selling grilled cheese.

Yeah, like, you know, because I was still learning the whole fortune thing when I first met you all. And, you know, I was pretty good at it. But what I really found, my passion, my calling, you know, a yearning that I didn't know I had until I was on the lot. And it's, it's the truth is revealed in the cheese. Sort of a fortune and a food cart business. The margins there can be real tight. That's right. And so I've just been following my bliss, if you will,

and just take it, following the muse, see where it takes me. And it's led me to all kinds of lands and planes and dimensions and things of that nature. Oh, how exciting. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, overall I'm pretty happy because, you know, I'm just doing my thing, letting the cheese just melt any worries away that people have and making friends, you know. Did I hear you correctly that there's something magical about this cheese or does the cheese

tell fortunes? Well, a lot can be revealed in cheese if you open your eyes to it. And let me tell you, you don't have to see things with your eyes open. You can still see things even if your eyes are closed. And that's one thing that I've learned. Sure. Eyes wide shut. But yeah, cheese can reveal quite a bit about a person and people. Also, Arnie, have you had cheese? Do they have cheese on Earth?

Oh yeah, do they have cheese? Do they have cheese on Earth? We have like thousands of kinds of cheese on Earth. Shut up, there are like six. Thousands of kinds? Thousands of kinds of cheese? Yeah. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

How many cheeses are there in food? Six, yellow, white, off yellow, off white, yellow white, white yellow. Yeah, that's all of them. Ironically, Ussador likes cheese whiz. I mean, I've been known to dabble in a little bit of cheese whiz. Yellow shower? Yeah, I don't mind playing around.

Well, that said that we only have six cheeses and six cheeses and yet you Arnie have like thousands. Like, what was your favorite cheese before Fionn? Um, I really like Gouda, which is a cheese on my world. Yeah, we all like good cheese. Yeah, that's... everyone likes Gouda cheese. That's... you don't want bad a cheese. I do especially like the way Borg Borg says it. Goud de cheese?

Yeah. Everyone likes Giro de cheese. Sure. So I don't like you didn't really answer the question of you know your favorite kind of cheese Pre-Thune. Well I also like Swiss. Excuse me? Sorry.

Arnie that's what you yell when somebody has a swing and a miss in baseball. Oh so close. Maybe you can get me back on the team. You know, it's kind of basic, but I like cheddar. So, let's back up. What is Swiss cheese? Describe Swiss cheese for us. So, it's cheese with holes.

So, you get less cheese? Because of moths? No, no, it's just made that way. I think it's just to differentiate it, basically. There's no scientific process that makes it that way, I'm pretty sure. It's just like, why don't we have holes in this cheese? So you always know it's Swiss. What is science cheese though?

Well, that's where I don't understand what kind of cheese you have coming from your world. Cause the cheese I use, there's no science. It's just natural. It's a natural cheese. Cause that's where the truth lies in the nature of it all. Yeah, you want cheese from like, in FUNA, a laughing cow usually produces good cheese? Like a laughing, like it's happy, it's been told a joke?

Yeah, yeah. Now you also said that you were following a band. Oh yeah, yeah, that's where my true passion, you know, I gotta say, after meeting my father, and he was a bummer, as I said before, I just, you know, I was just real sad, didn't know kind of what to do with my life. And then I heard the music of this band that made me just stop asking questions and just happened to find answers that I didn't even know I needed. And it was real beautiful and real magical and so I've decided to just follow them around until you know they until they're not playing no more. And this band does not have a

name? Yes it does. They're called the Thankful Fred. That's Fred with a PH because the drummer's name is Fred. Well one of the drummers. They got two drummers, two percussionists is what they call it, percussionists. They play different cities and planes and dimensions and you never hear the same song or the same show twice so you never know what you're gonna get and it's just real beautiful and we all just kind of follow them around. It's like a home that creates itself in a way that makes you feel like you're inside a piece of bubble gum. Wow. I only once was lucky enough to catch a Thankful Fred show.

Yeah. Arnie, it's so exciting because like Borkhild said, every show is different. The one I went to was very sort of audience involved We're thankful Fred was like hey everybody What are you thankful for and we went around and kind of said what we were thankful for oh man They don't do that very often I can't believe you caught that on their only show that you went to I was chasing that for probably about

Three years or so so you're pretty you're pretty blessed oh let me here let me use or do you mind taking out this memory I of course not which one the one of me the thankful friend yeah yeah just take that out and just pop it over to K'kawatar, er'to k'lathin karatar. Is this an evil spell? It sort of sounds like an evil spell. Oh yeah, super evil. Er'to s'o tar sam'thin karatar. There you go, here's the memory, you can have it now.

Kill Arnie, kill Arnie. Oh shoot, I did it wrong. Boykill, can you can you have the memory? Can you? I do, you know, sometimes there has been talk of evil Fred and it doesn't pop up too much, but yeah, every now and again, there are some dark messages that can occur,

but what I'm hearing over it though is all the thankfulness that people have for the life of their ears and that is taking over this dark, dark killing message. Let's take a quick break and I'm going to try to deprogram Chunt so he doesn't kill Arnie. Kill Arnie? He doesn't seem like super motivated about it so that's good. I mean what's new?

Hello, I'm Dax Shepard. motivated about it, so that's good. I mean, what's new? Hello, I'm Dak Shepard. And I'm Monica Padman. And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence,

humor, and vulnerability. We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human. We like it here. We love it here. We're chatterboxes and it's a good excuse to talk.

Also, we're friends. Barely. Hanging on by a thread. We're so excited to officially by the death of a loving wife and mother. But this tragic loss of life quickly turns into something even darker. Her husband had tried to hire a hitman on the dark web to kill her, and she wasn't the only target. Because buried in the depths of the internet

is the Kill List, a cache of chilling documents containing names, photos, addresses, and specific instructions for people's murders. He turns to a journalist for help. That's me, Carmelo. Kill List is a true story of how one writer uncovers a global conspiracy, taking matters into his own hands to warn those whose lives are in danger. And it turns out convincing a total stranger someone wants them dead is not easy.

Follow Kill List on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Kill List early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+. Now Chunt, what do you want to do? Kill Arnie. But do you really want to kill Arnie? Kill question mark, Arnie question mark. I think that's about as good as we're gonna get. Okay, that's fine.

So Borghild, following this band around, the Thankful Fred, how much is like drugs involved in this whole thing? Well, you know, what are drugs first of all, and sometimes, you know, you gotta drugs, first of all, and sometimes, you know, you got to take them if you got a headache, and then sometimes you don't. So I think for me, they're not too much, but for others, that's their jam. And there's no judgment in the community at large.

But for some people, you know, they're gonna use them, and then other people, they're not gonna use them. And for some, they might try once or twice and be like, oh no, I tried to eat my own couch, I don't wanna do this again, so then they don't. And then others, you know, they take to it right away. They're like, I loved eating my couch, I gotta do that again.

Yeah, and that's beautiful for you, and I think that's great, but if you need a place to sit, I got a couch that you gotta do that again. Yeah, and that's beautiful for you, and I think that's great, but if you need a place to sit, I got a couch that you can share with me. That's a lovely sentiment. It's very expensive to keep eating your couch, though, I believe. That's why I think a lot of people stopped using some of the drugs, like the couch-eating drugs. There is a specific couch-eating drug that causes that. Yeah, yeah, there is. There is a drug that you're more prone to eat a couch than not. Couchello. Mm hmm.

Do people take it because they're like, I've always kind of wanted to eat a couch, but I can't get myself there. Maybe if I take this drug, I will. Right. Well, you know, there's that saying, like, how do you eat an elephant one bite at a time? And then some people are like, well, I'll start with a couch, then see if I could eat that elephant. And after they eat a couch, they're like, oh hell, I can take on the elephant.

Or they're like, oh hell, I just ate a couch, I'm too full to eat an elephant. And Arnie, don't tell me you've never walked into a room, glanced over at the wall and thought, that couch looks pretty good. Chunch, have you ever eaten a couch? Fucked. What? Fucked. Oh okay yes. Oh well good for you man that's not easy. That's just a rumor we can't substantiate that. Okay JD. But still that ain't easy to do you know some people say they do but they really don't so if you actually

did good on you. Thank you. Good Arnie. Oh He's trying to kill me. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay speaking of death, and maybe this is a Brutal segue, but I'm so sorry to hear maybe you don't know your half-brother Dan than you'll Quinn Yarvin did pass. Oh he did he is not in this particular Oh, he did. He is not in this particular, well, his physical nature did deceased. But he's still around and he pops up ironically and not ironically, he pops up in the scene every now and again too. He's still pretty sweet on me. I don't know if you remember that but he like liked liked liked me and I was like hey you know but no he'll still like his essence is still kind of everywhere and you know when you're

around a lot of trees sometimes he'll like pop up and you know kind of annoy me a little bit so like I'm not too sad that he is physical stature isn't around anymore cuz he still is in another realm that I still see quite a bit. So it sounds like you're being haunted at least a little bit. I guess you could call it that. I just, you know, I think he visits me and it's kind of nice because, you know, for a long time I didn't know he was my brother. I didn't have a brother. I thought I was an only child. So I was like, what is it like to be annoyed by someone who's kind of related to you? And I didn't know until I was a grown adult woman

And so it's kind of nice to get a taste of that now be like hell you're annoying even after you're dead You know what? I love it. I'm here for it. Do you want a grilled cheese? He can't eat it. And then he's like, hey That's not fair. I can't eat this and I'm like, hey man, then quit bugging me and then he's like, hey, that's not fair, I can't eat this. And I'm like, hey man, then quit bugging me. Yeah. Usador, is it considered a haunting if it's just like a casual pop-in every once in a while? Well, I mean, there's a very fine line

between being irritating and haunting somebody. Well, Trump may even be more well suited to answer this question. His father was a hunger ghost, famously. Oh, yeah. What's that? Yeah. And I'm sure at times it felt like you were being haunted,

and other times you're just like, get out of here. I'm fine. Leave me alone. Just go eat a bag of potato chips. Think about eating a bag of potato chips since you can't or whatever. Oh, yeah. And also to feed a ghost, you have to kill the food. You have to kill the food to feed the ghost,

which is annoying. So I guess you could get that grilled cheese over to D'Athaniel Quiniaven, if you just so decide. I've never tried to kill a grilled cheese. Like, if you put ketchup on it, does that mean it's dead? Like, how do you kill a grilled cheese, y'all? Well, it's easier than you think. Really? Yeah. Kill Arnie, kill grilled cheese. Not the same.

Not the same. It's gotta be easier to kill grilled cheese than to kill me. Why, you're making me surprised. Arnie, can I talk to you real quick over here? Sure. I-I think this spell that I accidentally put on Chunt, I- it gave him what I- I've heard you refer to in the past as Frankenstein voice? A little bit, but it's slowly also turning into Borghild voice. Friends. Friends back on mic.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Well, I think if you want to kill a grilled cheese, you have to find its weakness. So what is the weakness of grilled cheese? Hmm, boy. I guess you could burn it so badly that it's no longer as edible, and then it would die,

and the ghost of it would be edible by your good friend DQ. That's very true, I never thought of it that way. Or if you don't put the cheese between something, and it just melts all over whatever cooking device you have. Oh, and then you've got yellow everywhere, or white yellow everywhere everywhere or yellow white everywhere Yeah, right. You could leave it out for too long like on a counter without refrigerating it for like a day or something

Yeah, moldy and gross and nasty and that would just grow more life on it though So would it be dead or just more alive? Oh, yeah Sure, of course, are you gonna try to kill me? Okay, I'll risk it What's going on buddy, I think I'm starting to get what you called Frankenstein voice and then the next day you came back and said Frankenstein monsters voice. Yeah, I had to correct I had to correct it. I didn't have the time to really fully explain why that is the case, but...

Yeah. Well, isn't, I mean, from the story you told, isn't the man who made the monster the real monster? In a way, sure. So Frankenstein's monster still holds. Or Frankenstein is, you know, really the monster. Sure. Kill her. Did you want to bring me over to tell me that even though you're having a hard time talking? I was gonna kill you.

No, I knew it. Okay, buddy, I can't stay mad at you. Well, I suppose another way to kill a grilled cheese would be to set it on fire with a flame spell or freeze it with a nice spell. You could throw it off a castle parapet. You could have a horse kick it right in the head, right in its grilled cheese head. Where's the head on a grilled cheese? You know how you usually cut them in half?

It's the tip that isn't cut in half. So it has two heads. Hmm, dunk it in soup. Dunk it in soup? You could dunk it in soup. I have heard a grilled cheese scream when it has entered the hot liquid of a bisque or a soup. Didn't realize that it was dying. I just thought it was real happy to be there. But hell, I've been inadvertently killing grilled cheese and I didn't

even know it. Now here's an interesting philosophical question. If you make a grilled cheese, perfect, absolutely perfect, and then you feed it to someone and it's destroyed, have you killed it? And is there a ghost grilled cheese, a second gross grilled cheese to eat? It's filling its intended purpose. You haven't killed it per se. Right. It is providing energy for the person who has consumed it. So is it just a transfer of energy or is it truly a death? It all comes back to the classic question, does grilled cheese have a soul? Oh hands down, yeah. Grilled cheese has a soul. Oh for sure it does. For sure it does. Everything has a soul.

And it helps feed your soul. I mean there's grilled cheese for the vegetarian soul. There's grilled cheese for the parent soul. There's grilled cheese for the parent soul, there's grilled cheese for the podcaster soul. Oh, have you had that sort? No. How was it? Good learning. Borgh Hilde, I'm so happy to have you here.

I'm so glad that you found this new calling in life, that you're following. My bliss, yeah. By following. Thankful Fred. My bliss, yeah. By following. Thankful Fred. Thankful Fred. Thankful Fred with a PH, that's Thankful Fred. Yeah, it's a band, you know,

they've been around for decades and generations. I'm real happy to be part of that family. You know, if y'all wanna ever join me on lot, or, you know, if we even get a miracle and get inside, I'd be happy, more than happy to show you the way. Oh yeah. So you don't go inside, you're just outside telling fortunes and making grilled cheese.

It really depends, you know, like it depends on where the night takes me. Sometimes I'm able to get in, sometimes I sit back, sometimes they come to me, you know? I'm sorry to be so pedantic about this, but when you say sometimes you're able to get in, are you buying a ticket to get in? Well, you know, yeah.

But you can purchase it not with just money, you know? Okay. It's like a karmic thing or a comic thing or a cosmic thing or a Killarney thing or like anything like that. It just really depends, you know? Oh, fuck yeah, Kill Arnie. Oh, uh, speaking of, kill Arnie's fortune. Sorry, tell Arnie's fortune?

Oh, oh yeah, Arnie's fortune. Well, first of all, Arnie, what kind of cheese would you choose in your grilled cheese sandwich? Gouda. Come on, man. Of course, I know you want a Gouda cheese. I know that, but what kind of cheese would you Of course I know you want Aguda cheese. I know that but what kind of cheese would you like? We told you the types of cheese. Okay yellow.

Alright. Oh yellow cheese. Alright. Alright. So I'm putting it between two pieces of sourdough bread because that's how I make it. Alright. I'm gonna put a little bit, now this is controversial, I'm gonna put a little bit of mayo on the inside, I'm gonna butter it on the outside, all right? I'm putting it on my griddle, and as that cheese is melting, I am seeing what is coming to you, Arnie. And are you ready for this? Arnie, are you ready for your fortune?

Are you ready? I'm ready, am I ready for this? Yeah. But are you ready? Are you ready for this, Arnie are you ready for your fortune? Are you ready? I'm ready. Am I ready for this? Yeah. But are you ready? Are you ready for this Arnie? I need a sincere answer. Yeah. How, yes. All right good good because this is what your yellow melted cheese is telling me. It's saying it's in you and you know it and you gotta claim it. It's in you and you know it and you gotta claim it Now there's no antecedent to it so I don't know what the it is but you know it Already and it's in you and you gotta claim it

You gotta claim it What's it what is it like a candy spirit? Maybe Yeah, I have what it takes to really take this podcast to the next level wait, there's different levels to podcast Yeah, this news to us. Yeah, we fight. We just still haven't gotten to level two. Whoa We gotta beat the boss beat big boss to go to low to well Yeah, yeah, we gotta be beat a big boss to get to level two. We've been at level one for nine years. Year 10, that's a nice round number, so maybe you'll hit level two in a year or so. Again, what is time though?

Like maybe you've already been podcasting for three decades in another realm and you didn't realize it because you might only be considering linear time, which that's just one way. Oh yeah, 10 years, that's nothing when you're 350 years old. It doesn't mean, means nothing to me. Oh yeah.

Also, we could use Usador from Warp Whistle. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Do you want to use my Warp Whistle? That'd be fun to get to a different level. Yeah. I mean, it will take us all around FUN. I assume it could take us to a different level of podcasting too.

Yeah. Why wouldn't you use all tools accessible to you Arnie? Had I known there were different levels before now, I would have offered my warp whistle to you and we could have magically transported there. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with more from Arnie. Right after this. Arnie, duck! BOOM!

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If Paul asked you to do something, it wasn't a request. It was an order. I'm your host, Brandon James Jenkins. Follow Criminal Attorney on the Wond wonder yet or wherever you get your podcast You can listen to criminal attorney early and ad free right now by joining wondering plus in the wonder yet or on Apple podcast Okay, now chum, let's try this one more time you want to One more time. You want to kiss... Kiss? Kiss?

Kiss Arnie. Arnie. There you go. To death. To death. I mean, I think it's progress. That's beautiful. You should know.

Yes? Shall we tell Arnie that there's all kinds of cheeses? No, don't ever tell him. Well, Borghild, I've been deprogramming Chunt over here during the commercial breaks, but I don't want to ignore you. We are so happy to have you here. What is your favorite way to eat grilled cheese? Oh, well, there are many ways that I do like to eat a grilled cheese, but my favorite way probably is, again, not to be a broken record,

but you gotta have it on some sourdough. Sure. And I'll take a little cheddar or orange cheese maybe as you all might understand it. Sure. And I melt it and then I listen to what's going on around me And I melt it and then I listen to what's going on around me and I take bite after bite after bite after bite, you know, until it's gone and I chew it and I swallow it. Yeah, that's how eating works.

I don't want to assume everyone eats the same way. You know, I can't make that assumption. I can't make that. Yeah, Arnie, please, interrupting. Please continue. Please continue. Chew, swallow. I just chew and then swallow and then I just let everything just kind of melt away as I'm eating it and digesting it. And then I like to just dance around and sway to whatever I'm listening to. Sounds like a pretty fun cheese incident. It is. It is. I don't always use string cheese in

my cheese though, but but every now and again, I do enjoy a good string cheese incident sandwich. Yeah, I do. And I let it just split open and melt and take it in. So you did a fortune cheese sandwich for me. Maybe could you do one for you, Sidor? I can, but I do know that he will partake of the dark cheese. It's true, I'm not afraid.

Give me your darkest cheese. All right, so this is on rye bread. Also, can I have a little bit of pesto on there, just like spread on? Of course, baby, you say what you want. I'm here to make the cheese that you want Okay, thank you. All right. All right pesto a nice dark cheese I am throwing it on the darkest bread that I can think of which would be a pumpernickel probably Is that for the dark brand? All right, all right. All right, and I don't know how that goes with pesto But this is how we're doing it.

I'm excited to learn. Grilling it up. That dark cheese is melting. Oh, that dark cheese is really melting nice right into the bread. And as Isdor takes a bite, it starts to consume him. The darkness is consuming him. And he is laughing about it he's enjoying this darkness I can't even believe I've never seen a dark happy fortune like this and uh oh oh pesto

change-o he did he pesto change-dode right in front of my face-dode, and this is what I see for him. I see friendship in an unlikely place. An unlikely place? Could it correspond with my fortune? Maybe that friendship is inside me? So I have to crawl inside of you? Uh... Might as well try. you just want him to kill me yeah there's a way to kill her and I'm sorry if the Arnie fits wear it I

don't know find friendship in an unlikely oh I know huh I know what it means I have to befriend my enemies yay those wizards who have churned on me I must turn them back into mine friends. Are you starting to lay the groundwork to betray us by joining up with the wizards? No, no, no, no, quite the opposite. I'm laying the groundwork to build a coalition of mighty wizards who wish to save all the food from those who have fallen into darkness. I mean, you can come along.

Ugh. John, are you willing to set aside your trying to kill me for a minute and get your fortune told? Uh, yeah I think I'm ready to have it. Okay. Stab stab stab. Whoa that was close. Alright I'm gonna take that knife from your hands and use it to spread some butter on

this bread. Now Chunt what kind of cheese is your favorite cheese for a grilled cheese sandwich? Okay, well, cheese is out of the bag. Arnie knows where your lot of cheese is. I'm going to say, huh, maybe like, uh, hmm, oh, let's see here, maybe like a mozzarella. Mmm, now that says a lot about you.

All right, so you got a nice mozzarella. I'm putting this between some garlic bread for you because mozzarella and garlic bread is like ooh la la or something like that. Or like monja monja monja, right? This sounds great. That's melting away, oh Chunt. Whoa Chunt.

Now you are going to come upon some very unexpected, happy circumstances. Arnie, don't comment on that. I was that whole halfway there. You're going to come upon. Come on, man. I was. You're not wrong. You're coming upon some unexpected, happy circumstances. That's what the matz is telling me. Chunch, you know what it could mean.

I mean, it's unexpected if you kill Oni, but it seems like it would make you happy. Yeah, things might work out for the best. Oni, what do you think? I just think you're gonna come upon something. I'm still stuck on that part. Holy shit, I totally forgot. I got a mozzarella and garlic bread sandwich.

Happy days out here and again. Why did, yeah, why did I eat my sandwich? Where did they put my sandwich? That was a happy circumstance. Hold on, and mine was about there being something inside of me. Was it about the sandwich that I was gonna eat? Are all of these fortunes about the sandwiches themselves?

I mean, hey, why not? You bought it. You already bought it. You know, you might as well make it about yourself, right? Isn't that what life's about? So friendship in an unexpected place would be my friendship with the sandwich? In your stomach. Unexpected. Whoa! It all makes perfect sense. I suppose so.

Though I still might try to win over some wizards to our side. Just to, you know, make things less shitty in the world. Uh, Barclays, where do we owe you? Oh, no. You don't owe me nothing, man. The camaraderie that we've had today is enough payment for me. Wow. So, I just want you're fed and you're nourished and hopefully that'll take you to the next place

that you're supposed to go. Now, where is that? I don't know, but I'm happy that you're here right now. So you don't need these 125 gold coins, the exact cost of a thankful Fred ticket? Well, you know, if you want to, if you want to, you know, leave a gratuity in my jar here, I wouldn't say no to it, but it's no presh.

You know, I'll get there one way or another. All right, I'm gonna leave you these coins because I think you've done a wonderful job of both rebuilding our friendships, it tooks all four of us, and, uh, and also filling our stomachs with nourishing and delicious food. And meaningless bullshit fortunes. I've told- I've told you guys,

prophecies are all crap. Thank you. Have you noticed that we always give all our money away almost every episode? What? Should we- should we interrogate why we do that? Like, every episode, whether, whether it's a sandwich or nothing at all, one of you is like,

can I just throw all of my money at you so we have no money for the next episode? Arnie, I'll give you 500 coin to shut the fuck up. Is that not what you did before your food days, Arnie? You wouldn't like, you never gave anybody anything? Ever? Sure, no, I would pay for goods and services, but I wouldn't at the end of every conversation be like, whether someone wanted it or not, and in this case you were saying you didn't want it, just say, here, take all my money.

I mean, I didn't say I didn't want it, but I didn't want you to give it to me if you thought you had to, only if you wanted to. That's what I'm saying with my stuff and I wanted to so it all worked out that's the beauty of running a tavern here like the the wander lost it allows us to continue to bring in more money every day and then give it out to someone else that's my first of all it's my tavern come on and this now I'm understanding why we're not making any money because you keep giving it away. We are making money.

It just, it just continues to move through the world. Just like Borghild moves through the world and finds the next place she's supposed to be. It isn't life abundant anyway, so things will just kind of happen whether they're supposed to or not. Wow, that's a beautiful sentiment. Borghild, Borghild, here's another another 125 gold in case you want to bring a plus mon. Whoa! Thanks! I mean, would any of y'all want to come? They're playing tonight.

I've never seen them before. I think that would be fun. I mean... Have I seen them before? I feel like... No, I haven't. Definitely haven't. Even if you have, you haven't seen this show yet. Don't be scared. How many hours long seen this show yet. Don't be scared How many hours long will this show be? Well, you know it could be anywhere from probably 12 hours to I don't know a week or two Depending on how long the venue will let them play I once had an eight day long song played on the shows. I was at incredible

Lyrics the whole time. Oh, no, not lyrics the whole time. Lyrics, you know, not every song has a ton of lyrics in a Thankful Fred song. A lot of it is, you know, a lot of beautiful sounds. But there was probably a three-day vocal jam that did happen probably in what you would consider two years ago. Vocal jam, great. Now I'm hungry again. Arnie, did you know that there's a

Thankful Fred had an ice cream named after them? No. Yeah, cherry. It was just called cherry? Yeah. Yeah. And how is that named after them? Well, Thankful Fred was named first. Right. And then the ice cream was named after him. They've had another flavor, too, just called Fred food. That one I bet's good. That one I bet is really good. Even if you're lactose intolerant, they got a dairy-free option, too.

Chunt, do you think you're going to the concert? It doesn't really sound like my cup of tea. I really like it when songs are filled with lyrics and about three minutes long and then fade out for no reason. You know what? Yeah, I want to go see this concert. I want to see them live. Thank you so much, Borco. Well, thank you. You know, you and your friend here made it happen. I was just a conduit, if you will. Yeah. Which friend? Usador. Oh, yeah. Because Arnie, because Arnie's like, he's like, cool, Arnie cuz Arnie's like it's like cool Arnie right? Arnie no Arnie just needed to he didn't want to put any money in my jar, which is okay

He was like, oh, why are we doing this? That's not how I want to operate But you don't want him to put the money in there if he doesn't want to I don't want I don't want Money that's wanted by someone else. I don't mean to be rude, but not only do I not want to give you money I am actively trying to stop usador and chun from giving you all of their money. Oh wait. I found some more money Yeah, it doesn't it doesn't bother me if they want to give me all their money Like that's the thing if they want to I'll take it, but if they don't then hey, then I won't take the money That's wanted by them. I just want the money. They don't want do hey, then I won't take the money that's wanted by them. I just want the money they don't want.

Do you see what I'm saying, Arnie? I think so. I want what they want to give. I don't want what they don't want to give. Damn, that is good advice. Here's 50 gold. Oh, thanks. Arnie, you greedy old miser.

What are you going to do with all that money? Run this business. Arnie, all you think about is work. Borghild, here's another ten gold. Go buy the biggest goose in the window. Thank you. You know, I love goose. Those goose we keep in the window are cost more than ten gold. Arnie, come on, man. Work, work, work, work, work. You know, Arnie, not on man, work, work, work, work, work. You know Arnie, not to sound judgmental,

but it sounds like you might need to experience a thankful Fred show and just like tune out for a little bit, just like Zen and bliss out for a little bit, because you seem a little, I don't know how else to say it, uptight? Oh. Yeah, get out of the giant rat in a dungeon race. Damn, shots fired, Killarney.

I guess I probably do need something after I miss that big baseball game I've been working on for years and years. Oh, how you love baseball. I can't believe you missed it. I know, I love baseball, a game I know all the rules for. Did you intentionally miss it because you wanted to do something else? Yeah, you know what, don't tell anybody on the team, but they're all terrible I gave them so many speeches about how they could do it and then I was like, oh fuck they can't do it Maybe I just won't show up dang now That's got to be kind of heartbreaking to be around a bunch of losers that not losers

But people who don't know what you're trying to tell them to do and they can't do it. Yeah I mean to be fair. I don't think Onnie was the best coach. I got kicked off the team because I was crying one day. Onnie said, no crying in baseball. Yeah, to my knowledge, there ain't no crying in baseball, just like you said, what were you crying about? Oh, I was just thinking about something sad and then I stubbed my toe.

See, he had two reasons. Two reasons, you were thinking something sad and then you stubbed your toe. He had two reasons. Two reasons? You were thinking something sad and then you stubbed your toe. No, I was thinking about something sad and I got distracted and I stubbed my toe and it made me cry. Oh, I thought you were crying beforehand because you were thinking about something sad

and then you stubbed your toe and then you got angry. Because that's what happens to me. When I stub my toe, I get angry. Sure, I kind of was like, oh, that's very sad. Should do something about that. Yousador, I've told you so many times, you don't need to tell the first part of that story. You don't have to tell the part

about thinking of something sad. Why? You can just say you stubbed your toe. Why would someone believe I stubbed my toe if I wasn't thinking about something sad or distracted? I'm just curious what even makes someone like you sad. Oh, I was thinking about the whales. Those two whales who got married and then got divorced

and decided to live on different parts of the world. It's made me sad. I thought those kids were gonna make it. Wow. And they each started their own podcast. It's called Pod's Cast. That's right. Isn't we all still a pod if they're divorced?

That was one of the questions they tackled in that show that they never came up with a satisfying answer to. Hmm. Yeah. Arnie kicked me off the baseball team because he said I was too much of a wild thing. And I fucked Roger Dorn's wife. Borghild, would you mind helping us answer an email from one of the listeners? Oh, I would be honored.

Thank you. So listeners, you can email us at magic tavern at puppies dot supplies It's a real email address or even better You can join our patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and send us a message there Here's one that reminds me if more countless gonna help us out then she needs to be compensated. Here's 500 gold Email answering our email answering sort of payment. This email reads, hello BangingBuds. There was something from a very early episode that always stuck out to me. Spintax said that he killed all the multicolor wizards. This was back when wizards were still immortal.

So did he really kill them? And even if he did, some must have escaped spintax. These multicolor wizards would be likely to join your fight against the one-color wizards. I hope you can bring them all out of hiding. Don't die, Craig. Wow. I forgot all about the multicolor wizards. Yes, it's a very sad tale. You see, when there were many more wizards and so many wizards of solid colors and multicolors

and different patterns and such, our power was spread a little thinner and it was a little bit easier to kill us. Well, that's why we needed the Stone of Ephesius to ensure that our immortality was ensconced in the very fabric of Foon and we built it into the very fabric of the universe itself. And then when I destroyed that magical rock, it made the wizards susceptible to harm again. But yes, long ago in the past, there was a very dangerous time for wizards to be alive. I think my favorite multicolored wizard was the blue and yellow mixed green Seal. Arnie was a peniped, a little seal, and he was just so magical. Oh, Lockzip?

Yeah, Lockzip! Oh! I did like Lockzip. It's odd to see a seal be a wizard. It is. It's uncommon, but it's always exciting. I guess I assumed most wizards were human-shaped. Most of them, yes, are mostly human-shaped. I don't have to stay human-shaped.

I choose to because it's easier to move around and interact with foolish mortals such as yourself. Damn it, I'm mortal too. I can't see that. Borgh Herald, have you ever met any of the multicolored wizards before they went away? Yeah, I have to say I've seen quite a few of them and I still on a particular night if I've had a lot of grilled cheese I still see them. Now whether they're like really there or not I can't I can't vouch for that but I do see multicolor

wizards more often than you'd think. Oh Trippy. Yeah man and it's cool you know and they're usually like pretty cool and you know we'll just hang out a little bit and you know they'll talk about spells and whatnot and and I'm like cool you know man and then you know it's just peace out and then they move on and I stay where I am until I move on to my next thing So yeah, I do see him. Oh Shoot you know what I forgot what I put something in trance mouth when I cast that spell yeah open your mouth Oh, oh, oh, thank you goddesses. That was awful. Oh Now that feels much better kill Arnie. How did you eat that sandwich?

Well Arnie if something's stuck in your, you still have room up top and down low. It's just the middle zone you can't swallow through. Yeah, and they're not super crunchy sandwiches, so you can kind of like shove a little bit, you know, around whatever is in your mouth. I've done that before, too. When, you know, sometimes when you have a whistle and you want to eat a grilled cheese, you just keep that whistle in your mouth and chew and whistle while you do it. Sounds fun. So I feel you, Chunt, but it is nice to cheese, you just keep that whistle in your mouth and chew and whistle while you do it. Sounds fun.

So I feel you, Chunt, but it is nice to hear, it's nice to understand you a little more better now. So I appreciate that. Yeah, samezies. Thank you, Usador. I stuck this unshelled peanut in there just so I wouldn't forget about it. Does anybody want a peanut?

What did you say? Anybody want a peanut? Can you enunciate? Arnie said that people at baseball games love eating peanuts. Anybody want a peanut? Anybody want a peanut? Anybody want a peanut? What did you say? Anybody want a peanut? Can you enunciate? Arnie said that people at baseball games love eating peanuts. Anybody want a peanut? Anybody want a peanut? Anybody want a peanut?

Is that what you say? What does anyone say? Anybody want a peanut? Okay, I figured it out. There were drugs in that cheese, right? There were drugs in that cheese. I put some more gloke in mine. Oh, fuck.

Here, take all my money. Ha ha ha! Thank you, Arnie! Take all the money. Ha ha ha! Thank yee-arney! I'd say there was a drug in that cheese. In fact, in the entire episode. A drug called entertainment. Hmm. Well, I tried out enthusiasm, and it's not my thing.

Usado the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Borg Hild was played by special guest Rebecca Hansen. You can see and hear Rebecca as Cynthia Forrester and GPC in Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Netflix and the Gizmoplex. She also wrote on several episodes of MST3K, seasons 11 through 13. And if you didn't already catch it, watch her in the episode Frank vs. Russia

on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on Hulu. Also in the Magic Tavern Extended Universe, make sure and check out the newly released Jackbox Naughty Pack on your favorite game platform or PC. Work done by the voice of flower, Brooke Bright, as well as someone called Tim Sniffin, which sounds like either a street urchin or an off-putting children's show host. Some names just creep you out, you know?

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Bridget of Fingaria, parentheses Texas, Maya, Kristen, Fooniverse Superstar Shepherd. Wait, can you just declare something like that? Is it like podcast host where there's really no way of fact checking it? Good to know. Where was I?

Jip Pennington. Larry the Cable Guy, but there's one R in Larry, so another cease and desist letter avoided for today. Probstani. Julia Burgering, parentheses like Burger King, but without the K. assist letter avoided for today. Probs Danny. Julia Bergering. Parentheses like Burger King but without the K. Okay Julia keep in mind Burger King is a very touchy subject around here. Phil de Dragoon.

Josh Cooley. Patrick Lutz. Squiggly Eleven and Big Chunt Man the Orange Cat. Parentheses not a gag just nicknames and a very real cat name. Okay I get it but it's within your power to change nicknames. Just imagine hearing Squiggly, Eleven, and Boots McFlavawiska, cat lawyer. On here instead, sometimes we just have to reach out and claim the future we'd like to live in.

And finally, Staten Island Jimmy. Thank you for not writing Manhattan Jimmy, way to keep those ambitions reasonable. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month Manhattan Jimmy way to keep those ambitions reasonable. Associate Producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. At a time when we're debating where policing is going, we're going to tell you where the police came from. They wanted me to write about the New York City Police Department, but without using

the words violence or corruption, which is effectively impossible. A story of how the largest and most influential police department in the country became one of the most violent and corrupt organizations in the world. It doesn't matter if you're a self-emancipated by person or if you're a free, they're just sending people back to the South, kidnapping them. When officers with the power to fight the danger become the danger.

I was terrified. I'm not going to talk to the police because they're the ones who are perpetrating this. Who am I going to talk to? From Wondry and Crooked Media, I'm Chinjirah Kumanika, and this is Empire City, the untold origin story of the NYPD. Follow Empire City on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can binge all episodes of Empire City early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+.