Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 28 - The Scholar Now (w/ Craig Cackowski)

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

A visit to the Great Halls of Terr'akkas leads to a reunion with the mysterious (and mysteriously changed) Scholar.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiThe Scholar: Craig CackowskiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandCheck out the Magic Tavern Wiki!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

At a time when we're debating where policing is going, we're going to tell you where the police came from. From Wondry and Crooked Media, I'm Chinjirah Kumanika, and this is Empire City, the untold origin story of the NYPD. Follow Empire City on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. Kill List is a true story of how one writer uncovers a global conspiracy, taking matters into his own hands to warn those whose lives are in danger. Follow Kill List on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can binge all episodes of Kill List early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. But in your earthly northern hemisphere, the days are getting shorter, the darkness settles in a little more quickly each night, and that can only mean one thing. The demonic entity who won your little planet in a game of chance before the dawn of time has arrived to make good on his claim and plunge you all into... No, wait a minute. Let me check the calendar. Oh no, that's not happening yet. This is just autumn. That's fun. So, sit back podcast from the magical land of FUNE.

I'm your host Arnie Dekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Aw yeah baby. How you doing bud?

I'm good bud, how are you? I'm doing okay, I think. So remember we had this plan that we were going to surprise Ysidor by getting some information about the wizard war by steering the wander lost to the great halls of Tarrakas? Yes. You remember that? All that I'm just telling you? You remember that we talked about this'm just telling you, you remember

that we talked about this? Arnie, I remember everything you you slipped me a note during the last episode on a piece of paper. And then at the end, it said eat this. I remember reading everything, memorizing it, eating it. I remember you said to be subtle and call it the G hot instead of great halls of Tarrakas. So you know, in casual conversation, we'd be like, Hey, we should go to the G hot someday. Yeah. Um, and I don't think he said or cut on. So, okay, good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because we're just trying to be more proactive and help with this wizard war thing. So, but it occurs to me now, maybe we should have,

maybe we should have like run it by him. Yeah. I don't know if he has like friends or colleagues he'd want to like dial up so they could grab a coffee or something. Or are there like wizards there that'll maybe want to kill us? Like, oh yeah, good call. Maybe he didn't return a book and like he owes. Good evening. How's everyone doing? It's good to see you all. Ah, yes, I've arrived. Oh, you've already started recording the show. Oh yes, yeah. Yeah, I'm also joined by my other co-host who is always forgiving no matter what we've done. Usador the Blue! I am Usador, Wizard of the Top Realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights,

to the aura of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trocas. Chee-Lot! The dwarves know me as Fianyallic, the dwarves know me as Zunin who exchanges arms, known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestar. And I am most certainly known as he who did slay the Dark Lord and brought about this era of wizards grabbing land, creating their own fiefdoms. Why those loathsome wizards, though I took away their mortality, are still... how they anger me.

Did you say G-Hot? Oh, hey. Uh, G-Hot. I was just saying, gee, it's hot in here. With all your robes, you must be boiling. It's funny, because we used to refer to the great halls of Turok as Gat. Hmm. Interesting.

And just total random hypothetical. How would you feel if I had steered our tavern with legs, the wander lost, to the Great Halls of Tarrakis? Oh, just theoretically terrified. No. Okay. Oh, boy. Yes. I mean, of course, you know, as you as you know, Blorth the Brown has taken residence up in the Great Hall halls of Tarrakis and is causing all manner of trouble there. If I found myself there, I would be much on my guard indeed.

So what you're saying is if we were there, hypothetically, we'd be in Blorth territory. Hypothetically, that's the stupidest fucking thing you can do. fucking thing you can do. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, let's let's pop outside because we took you to we took him to his favorite restaurant. It's that place with all the books that serves knowledge. Yeah. We got your table. That great halls of Turrakas themed restaurant. I don't remember what hall.

The Great Halls of Tarrakas, maybe? It's like marinated beef, I believe. Uh, surprise. This is so exciting. Look, look around here. Why, I can't tell from the real thing. I know. Yeah, it's very much inspired

by the Great Halls of Tarrakas, but of course it's not. It's just a themed restaurant, which is all the rage these days. Very impressive. Oh, yes. I mean, I would also be thrilled if we were actually at the Great Halls of Turokis.

Even though I'd be scared for my life, there's so much knowledge there that could assist us in our great battle against evil. Oh, thank God. Ysidor, Ysidor, we are at the Great Halls of Turokis. What? We are at the Great Halls of Turokis. What? Fuck. Shit are at the great halls of Tarrakas. What? We are at the great. Shit, get out of here. Let's go. We got to go.

We got to go right now. I just didn't know if you wanted to check out a book about like how to defeat all the wizards or something. The library is right here. Everyone shut the fuck up. Oh, because we're in a library. I'm going to cast. I'm going to cast a spell of wizard placement Okay, this will tell me if there any wizards in the immediate area. Is this different from the spell of wizard gum?

very different Already we should look away Library Library. We're in luck. He must be off on some mission right now. Blorth isn't here. We have time to go through the catacombs and the tombs and the grimoires. So what you're saying is this is good for two reasons. One we're safe from Blorth and also we don't have to cast such a high pressure character

on short notice. That's correct. We will simply look around, see what we can find, and then get the hell out of here. Quickly, follow me. Here. Oh, the archives. Hey! Hey! Look who it is! Hey, what the heck? It's been a hot minute, you guys. Hey! Hey, what the heck? What a hot minute you guys. Hey. I'm sorry, you look very familiar to me, but you seem different.

Hey, is this me? The scholar? You know, I run the library here. Yes, of course, the scholar. But what happened to your voice? It's the same voice I've always had. Come on, forget about it. Your voice sounds like your name would be like Tony Librarian or something, like Tony Books. Tony Librarian, is that a normal name?

Well, you sound like a Tony Books. Tony Books, you should at least consider it. It's a pretty good name. Are you like a change name? I'd love a good nickname, Tony Books. That sounds good. Pretty good name. I'm a little jealous, frankly Books. That sounds good. You know? Pretty good name.

I'm a little jealous, frankly. What brings you guys here today? I mean, what an honor. Well, I guess you could help us if you're the librarian of the Great Halls of Turokis because we are looking for books to help us defeat all the wizards. And I'm looking on my phone here at the Wiki.

We have met you twice, but I still, your voice is not familiar. I mean, come on, Arnie, John, Youssef, you know, we're old friends from way back. Come on. Arnie, he knows all three of our names. I know, most of our guests don't get all three. Well, we're wearing name tags, so.

That's true, fuck. That seemed like a good idea for the tavern. I mean, also, I mean, come on, guys, I'm a scholar You know so like the pretty pretty paid up here in the brain area. You know Okay, guys. Let's put them to the test good If you're a scholar name three things Just three things yeah three things I Guess grass one okay Just three things? Yeah, three things. I guess grass. One.

Okay. So far so good. Gobble ghoul. That's my dad, he's a hunger ghost. He's a gobble ghoul. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, grass, gobble ghoul, and uh...

I don't know. This finger! Oh! Ooh! Hey! Oh! Hey! Hey, come on guys. It is one of the three things. You, hey, oh, hey, hey, come on, guys.

Here's one of the three things. You said any three things, to be fair. Any three things, I think that qualifies, come on. He did pay it off, I should probably just forget about it. Forget about it, come on. I should tell you guys that the library's a little different now, we have converted to digital. Oh.

Oh. So like your fingers you'll need to touch a book to glean all of its knowledge oh that's great that is wonderful yeah just use it just use your digits oh look at here's a book on gardening let me just touch it here and soil dirt shovels bulbs pistols Wow I think he's just reading the chapter headings, but... Yeah, you touched it very lightly. Although, I will say it turned your thumb green. Ooh, Arnie, you do it.

Finger a book. Arnie, finger a book. Oh, I don't... Finger a book. Come on, any book. Okay. Let's see here. What do I want to learn?

I mean, literally, literally all of the knowledge and food is contained within these walls. Okay. Yeah, pretty nice luxury to stop and think about it, I guess. Some of us may have- Well, no, you tell me what book. You pick a book for me and I'll touch it. Well, let's see.

How about something on swordplay? You are the greatest warrior in food now. Oh, I fell down. How about something on swordplay? You are the greatest warrior in food now. Oh, I fell down. Oh, I put my finger all over this hand mains of Blurth. Yeah, you have checked out pretty much every volume of hand mains of Blurth. I believe you had the Dragoncock Chronicles

for an inordinate amount of time. Yes, now that I've touched it with my fingers, I need to check it out again. And I'm so sorry, but I do need to put a big foot down on this, did you say the dragon, what was it? Dragon and cock chronicles. Okay, I just wanna make sure I heard that. One of the books in the Handmaidens of Blurth series.

Okay, dragon cock chronicles. If I remember correctly, Chunt, I know for a fact you've masturbated to this book. Really? According to the Wiki. I've masturbated to so many books, I just can't keep them straight. I wouldn't expect him to remember all of those.

But Ysidor, what's the new Handmaidens of Blirth book that you just fingered? Oh, it's called Handmaidens of Blirth, wetter than ever. It's all about them traveling to the different bodies of water throughout Foon and having erotic adventures near waterfalls and lakes and streams. This isn't the thing where they like get,

they like show their breasts and get thrown amulets or something? Yeah, that's one chapter. That's a whole chapter. Let me tell you something. You're lucky that you got a little intimate with the Handmaidens of Blurth book because people have been trying to ban

these books from the library. Oh, no. That's terrible. Yeah, cancel culture. I mean, what are you gonna do? Scholar, forgive me for returning to this line of inquiry, but I believe when last we met, you did sound a little different.

You seemed a little less, I don't know, jovial and brash in your nature. You sounded more scholarly, if I'm being honest. Yeah, have you gone through any life changes since we saw you last? Let me tell you guys, everything is exactly the same as it was before. Really? I just spend all of my time here in the library you know putting prophecies in jars filing books you know basically what it

is now it's a lot of babysitting to be honest with you because of the digital the switch to digital you know it's mostly just you know gnomes and trolls and ogres just kind of hang out in the library all day. You know, they look through pornography and it's basically babysitting is what I'm doing. You know? Sure, I bet. I feel like last time, I might be misremembering, last time we saw you I feel like you had some sort of robes, like a set of robes on and now it looks like you have like a tracksuit

on and a lot of rings. I got tons of rings, so you get your two rings on every finger. Yeah, and then this track suit is comfortable, let me tell you. And I'm going commando under it as well, so. Arnie, a track suit is, it's a suit that's magically imbued

to be able to track or locate someone inside a large space. Oh, that reminds me tracking you. Yeah, I think you know, I don't know who, you know, I don't know ultimately who I answered to. But somebody is tracking me in this suit. That reminds me, we must be cautious for Blorth the Brown has been here before hasn't he? Oh, yeah, he was in here the other day. You see, I don't want to get into a wizard battle with Blorth at this time, so it's imperative. Oh no, he would kick your ass, yeah.

Well, I mean, he's kind of a depressive weirdo. I think I've got a good shot. I just don't want to mix up a bunch of shit right now. You must help us. If there's any knowledge here that could help us in our war against the wizards, these wizards who have risen up to become such despots. Yeah, so you're looking for maybe some old school spells, huh? Yes, yes, some secret arcane knowledge. A secret to Eden the wizards until now.

Let's see, uh, hey, how about this, 40 spells and how to say them? 40 spells and how to say them. Seems like a pretty beginner book. It's pretty basic, but you know, sometimes just going all the way back, you know, to a level one kind of stuff, you know, it's good to refresh the basics. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, I'll take it.

That does raise a good question. Like, how often are you reading spells and books? And like, how long does it take to figure out exactly how to say it if it doesn't say how to say it? Well, you just try it as many different ways as you can until you get it right. And as you're starting to get it right, you'll feel the magical energies flowing through your body. And the closer you get to the stronger it is, until the magic just flows forth. Oh, those handmaidens.

You should have already sat down the Handmaidens of Blur book. You got all 10 fingers on there, buddy. Yeah. That's a great thing about 40 spells and how to say them, it does tell you how to say them. Hey, it's right there in the title, that's very good. Spells it out phonetically. Hey, it's right there in the title. That's very good spells it out phonetically

Okay, let me try this one Presto change Oh Chunt ah, oh, what did I change you into? I'm so sorry. You look kind of like a tiger Yeah, whoa, I got tiny tiger. Yeah, I'm a little tiny tiger. Let me say that again Oh boy, look at me. I'm bouncing. I'm bouncing around Presto change-o. Wait, did you say breast-o change-o? Come on now. I got big tiger tits. Come on. Sorry I was holding both books. Wait, wait, wait, let's not be rash. Maybe we'll stay with this one for a while Okay. Well, let's not be rash. Maybe we'll stay with this one for a while. Okay, well, let's take a quick break

while Arnie ogles my tiger tits and we'll be right back in the great halls of Tarrakis. What a wonderful turn of phrase, tiger tits. Welcome to The Offensive Line. You guys, on this podcast, we're gonna make some picks, talk some and hopefully make you some money in the process. I'm your host, Annie Agar. So here's how this show is gonna work, okay? We're gonna run through the weekly slate of NFL and college football matchups, breaking them down into very

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on Wondery Plus. Let's see here. Parry, thrust, stab. Horny, stop reading. Oh wait, no. This is a hand-written blurf book. Stop reading that smut. Come on.

All right, sorry. Engorged member? Yeah, Perry is kind of the main guy in the books and he has all these erotic adventures. Interesting. The Adventures of Perry Thrust. Great name. No notes. Almost as good as Tony Books? Hey. Ah. Great name, no notes. Almost as good as Tony Books?

Hey. Ah, come on, come on. Tony Books. Tony Books over here. I love it, I love it. Tony Books, call me Tony Books from now on. So Tony Books, can I ask, as the main librarian of the Great Halls of Turokis.

The only librarian? How has the wizard war affected you? I mean, wizards are kind of at war with each other, with all the food. It's gotta have affected you. To be honest with you, I have noticed nothing. I've noticed nothing from, yeah, I mean, you say wizard wars, you know,

but I deal with all kinds of wizards. You know, I have to get wizard wars, you know, but I deal with all kinds of wizards, you know I have to get along with everyone. You know, I don't really choose sides You know when there's factions within the wizard community or because I serve everyone well, you're forbidden to interfere I believe is your coda And I'm in the wiki. That's the way. Yes. Yes, definitely great great I'll go along with that, absolutely. Well, also, there's been an animal war

with the sky animals fighting the water animals, fighting the ground animals. There's been so much upheaval. Though you can't interfere, sure that you have some feelings about it. Do you even have loved ones? You had that ogre friend one time, right? I did, I did. we were close for a while. We kind of had a falling out, you know,

you know, it's tough these crass generational relationships, you know, they don't always work out, you know, sure, sure. Yeah, it's gotta be tough being over 300 years old to sort of relate to people that are 200 years or younger. Yeah, you know, I'm from a very specific micro generation, you know, what was your generation called? Generation A. Wow, he really he really elbowed that stack of books about music. Yeah, and it started playing music.

How is incredible. You see, Ar Arnie, I think the scholar, though not technically a wizard, is one of the most powerful magical beings in all of Foon, nearly as old as myself. What? If only we could get him to break his vow and help us, then maybe we'd have an upper hand on the rest of the wizards. Uh scholar? Yeah, sorry, I'm just uh, I'm getting things set up. We're having a drag queen story hour. That's great Yeah, it's you know when anyone tells a story that that insults a queen, you know, he's got to drag a queen Oh, it's less great than I thought it was.

Well, I'd like to I would like to make an offer to you one of which you cannot refuse. That's interesting Okay, I mean you're gonna put me some under some spell where I can't refuse Well, I only have this 40 spells and how to read them So I don't think that's sort of advanced magic is in there now basic basic stuff Are you guys doing an orange you want an orange? I feel like anytime I eat an orange someone dies. Yeah. Oh, no. Hey, it's terrible It's sort of a portent of doom I'm more of a leave. But you eat orange is in a really violent way to be fair

Yeah, the pulp shoots out of it pretty quick. I'm more of a leave the wand take the cannoli type of guy like I like pastries Yeah, but what is this offer you Sodor command? This offer is to break your solemn vows and to help us defeat evil by joining my quest to return peace to Foon and help corral the wizards or convince them to stop doing evil deeds or maybe even, you know, we might have to fight and kill

a couple of them. But hopefully not. Hopefully we won't have to kill most of them. I hope. I hope we don't have to kill most of them. Well, not Blartha Brown because he kicked the shit out of you. Come on. Yes, he hears that little shit creature running around.

I can kick his ass in a second. I'm hearing a lot of stuff that you want from me, Usador. I'm not hearing a lot of stuff that I get out of this situation. Right, but that's the beauty of this deal. What is it that you desire? And I shall procure it for you. Sorry, we should have asked. Your daughter's not getting married today or anything, right?

This is in fact the day of my daughter's wedding. I knew it. There's something in his face. There's something in his eyes You guess that I know he had a daughter just his eyes look proud look I I own I know this because there's a prophecy in a jar that tells me this I don't know who my daughter is I don't know what she looks like I don't know where she's getting married, but I do know I have a daughter and today happens to be a day of her wedding. Obviously, I'm in the middle of a shift here at the library. I do work 24-7 here, so... But yeah, you know, I guess I should honor any request that I'm given on the day my daughter's wedding.

Yeah, well, so join our quest and help us defeat all evil. And then I could help reconnect you with your daughter perhaps. It sounds like you don't have the greatest relationship since you don't know who or where she is. No, that's true. It's not great. It's not great.

Yeah. So you only came to find out about her through a prophecy? Am I correct about that? Well, Ysidor, I'm sure you know all of this, but as a scholar, he puts his past life behind and he knows almost nothing about who he was before he became the scholar. That's just straight from the wiki, straight from the wiki. Well, yes, but that's why I was confused.

So you learned of your daughter through a prophecy. It said, you have a daughter, she's going to be married on this day, but it didn't tell you who she is or where she is. No, the details were vague, as they typically are with prophecies You know prophecies Sometimes I think they leave them so vague so you can interpret them any way you want Yeah, except for the day part. Yeah, it was very specific that it's today this day this day I'll tell you what, you know

Again, I work long shifts here at the library so long as you might say that they are constant and take up every minute of my waking life so I guess I guess I wouldn't mind sleep a nice night of sleep you know it's specifically you know there's a there's a little pond, like right around the corner from here. And I'd love to sleep at the bottom of this pond. Oh, yeah, maybe. Would you like to sleep with any, yeah, with anything? I don't know if there's any fish in that pond specifically.

But yeah, I mean, if there are, I guess I would sleep with the fishes. Okay, we can certainly get you to sleep with the fishes. That's not a problem at all. Yes, I mean, if you go to sleep with the fishes. Okay, we can certainly get you to sleep with the fishes. That's not a problem at all. Yes, I mean, if you go to sleep with the fishes, that would mean forever along your sleep, I'm assuming roughly eight hours. That means Arnie and Chunt

would have to run the library in your place. Ooh, spin off. Now, just in the interest of not settling on the first idea, if you're having trouble sleeping, is it possible that you're sleeping by yourself? You just need like a comfort of a companion? I don't know. It's probably too much to ask to have like a an entire person sleep with you. But maybe I can give a horsehead. Would that help if I gave a horsehead? That's always your suggestion. Would you then become a

horse? Um, I don't know. I don't I don't think so. That's always your suggestion. Would you then become a horse? I don't know. I don't think so. No, Chuntz's powers have changed somewhat since we've seen you last, I believe. He has full control of his shape-shifting abilities now. Now he just gives head for fun and pleasure. He might just turn into a horse for fun, you know? Like, that'd be crazy looking too. Okay, were you to give a horse head, what does that have to do with me?

Oh, it just might... How does that help me in any way? Just might... Yeah. Might make you relax so you can sleep deep, you know, you're not worried about anything. Because I feel like absolute silence, you know, sleeping in a soundless void, that to me is hard to do. So to have some sort of commotion going on, you know, sleeping in a soundless void, that to me is hard to do. So to have some sort of commotion going on,

maybe some, you know, dulcet moans happening in the background might be soothing and help you fall asleep. Okay. So you're suggesting this horse head is gonna be like a white noise that's gonna lilt him to sleep? Well, it's, yeah, it's definitely gonna be white noise.

Yeah, Onnie, have you ever heard horse sex noises? Sadly, I have. Very calming. I feel like if that were to happen, that I would be awakened from a deep sleep with just a series of blood curdling screams. This whole horse head situation is where I would be. Okay, all right. Well, that's fair. That's fair. Again, we don't have these. We're just all spitballing here.

These are all good ideas. Yeah, we're spitballing. I would say, well, I could maybe I could teach you some magic that would help you that would help you sleep while you're still seen to be awake and as zombie like move through the halls of Trocas, putting books back on shelves. But you'd be technically asleep, you'd just be... your body would still be moving in and doing things. I'd love to learn a spell from you, Yusodora. It would be... it would be an anna. Really? Okay, well, let me see. What would a spell like that entail?

Let's see, we'd need... we definitely need some horse cum on it. He ran off so fast. Yeah, well, if we need something, we're friends. We always help each other out, right, Arnie? Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. I mean, yeah. His feet moved like in a circle and kicked up like a cloud of dust. Like, that's wild. That was a crazy noise. I've never heard anything like that.

There was a cloud. There was a cloud in the shape of him standing here for a minute after he had already been, after he was already gone. I'm back. Sorry, I put a Mii-shaped hole in the wall as I left the library.

I went around the corner, turned into a horse and J.O.ed into this. Here you go. There you go. Oh, thank you. Did you need any instruction? I'm sorry?

Nevermind. Any J.O. instructions? Yeah. I mean, it's always nice, but when you're in a pinch. I mean, you can kind of figure it out on your own, right? Yeah, I guess so. Now. All right, we got the first key ingredient here.

Yes, and then of course we'll need a... We'll need an orange. Where can we get an orange? I've got a bowl of them sitting ominously right here. Wonderful, an orange. Then we need... I hope this spell continues to be things we've already referenced having in this episode.

What are you talking about? Nothing, no, no, I'm just saying it's... We need the hair. So far we've been very lucky that they're things that we have. Well, we haven't saying it's... We need the hair. So far we've been very lucky that there are things that we have been talking about. Well, we haven't mentioned the next one at all. Okay.

If you'd be quiet for a second, listen, we need the hair of a man from another world. Oh shit, where are we gonna find that? Hair of a man from another world. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I could give a horse head and see if he knows anything. That's a good idea. There he goes.

He ran off so fast. He made a different hole in the wall. Why not just go through the one he had already made? He was the same one. Yeah. I'm back. Sorry about the second hole. Didn't know anything.

That's a shame. Oh, I'm from another world. That's a shame. Oh! I am from another world! I forget that. I always forget it. Yeah. I guess, how much hair do you need? I'm so used to you being here. I think of you as part of the family. Oh, thank you. One of us Foonish peoples. Yeah, part of our world.

That means a lot. But also I am from another world, and that makes me a little special. So I do think it's I prefer you didn't forget that. Oh, you got a good chunk there. Now the last thing we need is something that a bride would be wearing. Do we know of any brides? Well, today is the day of my daughter's wedding. Oh, but also horses wear bridles I'm gonna go give a horse a no that's a different thing there you go third hole third hole third hole sorry about the third hole in the

wall yeah we should we should use Tony books daughter we should use that I we don't know who she is or where she is though she could be any bride although I suppose any pride will do. Which is, I suppose, not really a thing you should say. But- No, not to make a girl feel special. Yes, we need something a bride would wear on her wedding day.

Oh, what could that be? What could that be? Oh, is there any veils in the library? Like mysterious or otherwise? Yeah, I mean, let me just check the card catalog. That's the one thing that's not digital here. Sure, sure. While he's checking that, Arnie, look up in the rafters of the library.

It's Spintax's robes. They retired his robes. Wow. Wow, that's cool, and his number too. Right, whatever. It's not that great. 33, man, those are cool robes. Oh, all right, yeah, it's fine, it's fine.

He's an asshole now, so what do you care? He won four Wizard Championships in a row? Of course he did, of course he did. Everyone loves Spintax. He's the greatest, the greatest of all time. Ysitor, where's your robes, retired? Are they up on the walls? I'm wearing my robes, Chunt.

These are the same robes I've had since I was at the Great Halls of Tarrakas hundreds of years ago. Wow. I got it, I got it. Oh, honey. We've got an entire stack full of mysterious veils. The things you discover. Oh. I don't even know they were here

You know what the libraries are more than just books and newspapers You know you check out movies and things anything grass gabagool this finger We got it all the people check out that You'll be surprised Are they allowed to take it home or do they have to experience it just here in the long home? They can take it home. I like it returned by the end of the day. Sure.

Let us go to review these mysterious fails right after this break. Hey podcast listeners, have you heard you can listen to your favorite podcasts ad free? That's good news. With Amazon Music, you have access to the largest catalog of ad free top podcasts included with your Prime membership. To start listening, download the Amazon Music app for free or go to amazon.com slash ad free podcasts. That's amazon.com slash ad free podcasts to catch up on the latest

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What a mysterious room filled with mysterious veils. It was kind of cool how we had to go under a veil to get into the Veil Room at all. To be honest, I've never been in here before. This is this is crazy. Yeah, I sort of feel a chill going up my spine As if some truth is just beyond our reach here in this room Something that's been in the back of our minds this entire time It never revealed Hmm, oh, maybe I'm just imagining it. Yeah, I'm cold. It's cold in here. So maybe that's it

Looks like the veils are breathing. They're sort of moving in and out or up and down something right be careful Touch not the veils. Let's just sure where they come from for it's possible Not only could they reveal a truth, but they could also obscure a truth. Hey, what about this veil over here? No, no, no, hang on, hang on, hang on. I don't want you to disappear behind these veils. What if, what if you were lost for all time? I mean, you know, if that's my fate, then so be it. I want to touch one of these veils so bad. I want to touch them all. Okay. All right. Well, I don't want you touching them indiscriminately. So, like, let's just do it methodically and watch each other.

If one of us disappears behind a veil, try to get the other one out. Are we going to help support each other here? This is all starting to sound a little pervy. Look, all I want to do is slip behind this curtain and peek out and see if anyone can see me or not Does that sound pervy? Yes, I guess not. It's a bit of a long shot though a bit of a veil Mary. Um Why don't we try on oh, here's a white one. This is kind of white and lacy. Oh, okay. Yes, that looks quite virginal Yeah virginal. Um, who wants to touch it? I'll I'll touch it to start. Okay. I'll grab your leg

Maybe Arnie you grab my legs just in case. No stand over here. I'm a what do I grab? Babbling Brooke And a son look that's a name. Why what Brooke look her name is Brooke. So it's Brooke. Well, my last name is not really books. Come on. Oh, sorry It's a nickname. We invented a half hour ago books Brooke books has a certain ring to it. I like the alliterative nature of it. But yeah, no my daughter's name is Brooke You just remembered that just now yeah she babbles all the time that's incredible well I felt like I was the

person who wore this veil and I was standing under the under the under the the stream near the babbling Brooke and there was a waterfall nearby and I can't remember now it seems to escape to my mind. Here, let's touch another one of these veils. Arnie, why don't you touch this pulsating blue one? Okay. Flowing pulsating. Wait, okay.

Oh! Arnie, what do you see? I see a sky full of rain. Oh, good, that could be anywhere. A door, black as night. A door in the sky Arnie? Burned hand prints on the door. Burned hand prints.

Burned hand prints. What could that mean? Ooh, I'm glad my part of that is done. You guys can figure it out. That was intense. You just went somewhere of that is done. You guys can figure it out. That was intense. You just you just went somewhere and that was not I don't want to touch that thing again. Well, it's hard to interpret, you know, burned hand prints. It could be I don't know.

It could be an abbreviation for handsome prints. Maybe we have to find a handsome prince and prince. Oh, wait, the most handsome prince in all the land is Black Door, Theodore Black Door, of the mountain range Black Doors. Oh, isn't he getting married today to that girl? What's her name? Becca Beatrice, Brock, Rebecca Books.

Brock, broke, broke, broke? Broke, broke, broke, broke. Brooke. My daughter. Oh um actually Arnie the veil that you just picked up do you mind if I borrow that sure I see a chapel stained Stained glass all around.

Doves on the ceiling. A ring. You okay? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Did anyone else have trouble breathing when they touched the veil? Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, it really gets into your lungs. I'm asthmatic, so it's hard for me to tell whether there was a difference or not.

Okay, so what do we do with the horse cum? Oh, well, once we put together the hair and the horse cum and one of these veils, but the veils are also revealing these amazing secrets to us here scholar I want you to take I'm sorry Tony books I want you to take thank you the blue pulsating glowing veil got it and then I'm gonna cast this spell you repeat after me and you shall be all shall be revealed and also be revealed and then and then You will know your daughter and you will finally be able to sleep. You will know your daughter

and you will finally be able to sleep. Eroth. Eroth. Chonta. Chonta. Rakathal. Rakathal. Presto Chango.

Presto Chango. Oh! Presto-Chanjo! No! Nooooo! Scala! Scala! Are you alright? What? What happened? Where? With... You, Sidor? What was the surprise? What brings you to the halls of Tarrakas? We've been with you all day!

But you were different, and now you seem like your of Taragas. We've been with you all day, but you were different and now you seem like your old self. Yeah. I do not know who my self is, Ysidor. But if you say so, then I trust you. I have to admit something. Oh, yeah, please. I wanted to sleep.

I wanted to sleep so badly that I I cast a spell from a rudimentary book of spells and and found a victim. Someone to track. I've been tracking him and I had the best sleep. Oh, it was so good. It was so good. Oh Wait, so you mean Tony books was a victim who took your place that you were tracking. I Don't feel good about the word victim, but I used it for some reason you did use the word So I was just parody back. Yeah, what you say Why I mean I suppose subject subject Something subject. Okay, It's all about timing. That sounds like the sort of euphemism I would use in my magic. Now it sounds like perhaps we've freed Tony Books and he's at his daughter's wedding then.

I hope so. Well, that's wonderful. For that is what the prophecy has foretold. A prophecy came true. They're usually such bullshit. What a wonderful day this is. Arnie, Chunt, Scholar, we have helped reunite a family and we've allowed the Scholar to sleep. And I have a book of 40 spells. Galee Lichten Karma.

We knew that one. Yeah, it's a pretty light though. It's good to have you back. Well scholars, it's it's good to have you back. I do. I do miss Tony. Scholar, do you mind if I just give you a hug as if you were Tony? Um, sure, sure. And then will you forget about it? Uh, cool. That's quite the ask. Yeah, I can try. I can try Yes, bring it in try and forget about it And now forget about it. I know it was you Tony you broke my heart. Okay. Okay forget about it. I forgot Ernie you didn't you didn't finger a book Yes, we're all digital now. I don't know if I don't know if we heard. Yeah, we yeah, we already had okay

Yeah, good good. Not great. We're just fucking around all day with Tony books and we wasted our time We could have gotten help from the scholar scholar Will you join my inquest to defeat the evil? Wizards who have become horrible warlords in their own kingdoms. I must remain disinterested Wow, that's the worst way to put it damn Yeah, rough Partial it's not the same thing as uninterested

Yeah, people often misuse that word anytime you sir rambles on about a story I think Ernie you and I can just look at him and say I have to remain disinterested about a story I think Ernie you and I can just look at him and say I have to remain disinterested. That rules. What a great comeback. Damn. All right. But I will I will say this you Sidor. Yes. What's in it for me. Because I did just have a library fine. How about that. Oh. Whether they're quite steep. Well tell me. Alright, fine. I'm sure I can come up with the money. Oh, it looks like the Blorth tracker's going off. We have to get out of here. Sorry, Scholar. We must go. Quickly, back into the Wanderlust. Scholar, before we go, can you just give us one book that you think will help us in the wizard war. Well, um, there is a new handmaidens of Blirth. Hmm, okay, we'll take that.

Sold. Wetter than ever? We already got it. W-wetter than- oh you have it. Oh you have it. It's good, it's good, it's quite good. But perhaps, ooh, this very thin volume here. Hmm.

A book with one spell in it. That must be quite powerful. The most powerful spell. That's what it's called. Oh. Okay, I must have this book. Here, give it to me. It's more of a pamphlet. It's like a pamphlet. Do you have your card? Uh.

Ysord, those are the same robes that you wore when you were here. Your library card must be here somewhere. I'm sure I've got it. It's probably in my hat. You know who I am. There's a procedure to these things, Ysidor. I know, but you know who I am. Can't you just look me up in your system or whatever you've got?

You know, your crystal ball or whatever. Okay. Is nothings coming up for Ysidor? Nothings gonna happen. Is there another name you want to try? Okay. Well, it's gonna take forever. We can do this. How about Zonan and Hoekstangies?

Zonan and Hoekstangies, spell that for me. Z-O-E-N-E-N-H-O-O-J-S-T-A-D-E-S. Okay, no, no, nothing under that. The blood tracker's getting very brown. Okay. Yusador, this fell out of your hat. It's membership to Casco? Does this work? My membership to Casco? The Blur Tracker is getting very brown. Okay. Uh, you sort of, this fell out of your hat. It's, um, membership to Castco?

Does this work? My membership to Castco? My, uh, theater fan appreciation card? Theater fan appreciation? I appreciate theater fans. It has nothing to do with spells? You appreciate fans of theater? Yes, that's right. Cast, uh, we love casts and I love fans.

And I love fans of theater. Oh, here, we love casts and I love fans and other fans of theater oh yeah how about this how about this how about a library card to the library of Meriden do you have like some sort of exchange program we do it's another branch yes great oh perfect yes there we go okay okay now give me the book give me the book give me the book please that's the most powerful spell? It's the magic word. Get out of here. Doesn't that smell brown?

It smells like brown. Fuck this, I'm gone. Uh, thanks the scholar, good to see you, keep the horse come. Stupid fucking book. Please kiss my ass. Say goodbye to... What was his name? Tony books.

That's it, I remember now. Tony books. I'm taking this finger. ["The Trolls of the World"] Yes, take that finger Arnie. Take it, take all of it. Who just did that to me, you may be thinking. Well, Usado the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai.

The Scholar and Tony Books were played by special guest Craig Kekowski. Go to orange tuxedo improv dot com to see if Craig is teaching or performing improv in a town near you. Look also for him in the Peacock series Hysteria, premiering this fall. And listen to his podcast, Craigigslist, The Next Generation. I think it's just nice having a seasoned improviser on the show. The fan-maintained Magic Tavern Wiki was mentioned a lot in this episode. Thanks to everyone who's helped contribute to it over the years. Hmm, not sure Venmo is accepting thanks

these days. If you'd like to check it out and maybe help fill in some of the entries for season five, unbelievable. Head to magictavern.wiki.com. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Justinious Maximus Sempercoris, Jake Fish, Edward Schumark Banks, yes you did hear a hyphen, Parker Madsen,

Alicia Kate Storen, BakedTater79, Nix, Clockwork Rhapsody, Andrew Beattie, no relation to Warren or Ned, Crimson, and please understand, I'm about to read verbatim what's right in front of me, and Tim Sniffin, yes me, I'm as surprised as you are. End quote. Let that under no circumstances suggest that this Tim Sniffin character supports this show in any way.

The nerve. Patrons, even the hero that wrote that last one, get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, where Arnie tries to explain snack mascots to Chunt and Usador. Okay, yeah, I'm kind of with Usador. It feels like all food on the label, there should just be a skeleton not eating the food. And then that kind of shows like, hey, if you don't eat this,'t eat this you'll die cuz smart because I'm pretty sure everyone on earth needs

to eat to live right there's no difference there every label should be a person who's alive and healthy handing that food to a skeleton who's going no no no no no and waving their hands and then there's a gravestone that's the label for every food well we, we solved it. All right Ernie Good evening. All right. Well, no, no guys look look at this. Look at this. Oh Arnie. Oh, oh, oh my god I says why didn't you tell us that we had such a Distinguished guest here. Sir. I am so sorry This is mr. Peanut the mascot of planters peanuts

Oh, of course it is grabs his hand on Shantae your majesty Sorry. This is Mr. Peanut, the mascot of Planters Peanuts. Of course it is, grabs his hand on Shantae. Your majesty. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, even though that may mean encountering more things like what you just heard, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Sage GC. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hello, I'm Dak Shepard. And I'm Monica Padman. And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs,

scientists and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor and vulnerability. We regularly get sides of our guests that were previously unknown, and it is a celebration of all the messiness that makes us human.

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