Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 29 - Rescue Team (w/ Jon Gabrus)

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

Someone has finally come to save Arnie. A Delta Force soldier named Clint.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiSSG. Clint Howard: Jon GabrusDuncan Potatogrease: Zac OyamaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery comes a new series about a lawyer who broke all the rules. Need to launder some money? Broker a deal with a drug cartel? Take out a witness? Paul can do it. I'm your host, Brandon James Jenkins. Follow Criminal Attorney on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

At a time when we're debating where policing is going, we're going to tell you where the police came from. From Wondery and Crooked Media, I'm Chinjirah Kumanika, and this is Empire City, the untold origin story of the NYPD. Follow Empire City on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And now, against all my best efforts, another episode of it has appeared, which means I can take a break from learning the lyrics to the Witch's Road ballad from Agatha

All Along, monitor this for 45ish minutes, then go on to learning the harmonies to the lyrics from the Witch's Road ballad from Agatha All Along. It's good to have a mission. Now sit magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through

the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Rachel's wet hand reached deeper and deeper, exploring her body. She undid her tall, thick hat and laid it next to her. Arnie please! Spoilers! Chunt, are you reading... which Handmaidens of Blurth book are you reading right now? Uh, Wetter Than Ever.

The most recent Handmaidens of Blurth book? Yeah, Arnie, I wanted to I wanted to read it I thought you wanted me to read it to you. Is that not the case? I mean, yeah, but I wanted you to start at the beginning at the beginning Rachel's horny little hand what the first book? Fine, you want me go all the way back to the first book. Although I'm now I'm really I'm really drawn in by this Rachel's horny little hand line Nope, you said only sure us in this book, too Oh, yeah, Perry thrust is a hat a hat the tall thick hat is Perry thrust. Oh, I see. It's a euphemism

Yeah, he ran a foul of a mage and then got turned into a hat. Mm-hmm a tall thick hat. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, you'd be surprised what a hat could do. Okay. Well before we get too horny. Oh Duncan did somebody say Arnie? No, dunk Duncan potato grease is still floating near the ceiling anyway I'm also joined by my other co-host use it or the blue I am use it or a wizard of the 12th realm of aphesias master of light and shadow I am usador wizard of the 12th realm of aphesius master of light and shadow Manipulator of magical lights devourer of chaos champion of the great halls of truckers the elves No me is fearing Alec the dwarves know me is zoning and hook Stengiz and I am known throughout the Northeast as gas manias may star And there are so many books in the series of the handmaidens of birth that I could ne'er say them all

Well, I mean that's something we get behind instead of these bullshit names What it's the first one is the handmaidens of birth, right? Right? Then it's like I just said I could nair say them all you know, ne apostrophe er That's what nair means. Yeah nair. Am I crazy here? I said nair said Nair right no you're not it's Nair see that's why you're always saying you want to play that game Nair have I air yeah Nair have I air oh let's play around you said or kick his off Nair have I air kissed a goat okay one finger down okay surprised about okay Nair Nair have I, falling through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical fantastical land of Foon.

Oh, that's just me. Come on man. Wait, hold on, did I do that too? I mean, you've gone through dimensions, but I don't think you went through that portal. Not that specific one. No. Okay. If I did err meet the Burger King, I would most assuredly take a knee before him and

pledge my everlasting support to his cause. Arnie is he a giant burger? Not to be rude. Right, we don't want to shame him if he's a giant burger or other him. That's who he is. Sure. Um, no, I don't, I mean, it depends on what you, is like a quarter pound? Is that giant? A quarter pound is that giant

Quarter pound. No, that's pretty small pretty small. Yeah. I mean I myself am probably like I don't know 35 pounds 40 pounds So a quarter of a pound is pretty pretty tiny. Yeah, I guess that's true. Mm-hmm Well, we stumped Arnie with is the burger cake of a real burger? So I guess we should probably stop playing Nerehavai Error. Do you guys wanna run the drinks? I do, but I'm so concerned about the wizards and food and all the evil they're perpetrating by becoming warlords. Oh sure, so you're not drinking or?

Oh no, I'll still have a drink. Yeah, okay. So I just say, the time I say do you wanna drink, you just go, you get this sad look. You launch in this sort of altruistic. I say do you want a drink you just go you get this sad Sort of altruistic love to have a drink but there's so much despair and sadness in the world You've already earned the drink you don't need to convince us why you deserve the drink you virtue signaled your little heart out Let's get you a let's get you a drink buddy. Okay, okay sounds good. Okay. All right Ernie. What do you have in? Um, I'll have a red potion.

Okay. No. Oh no, hold on, wait a minute. I'll have an ale. Okay. I'll have a red potion. Absolutely, two red potions and an ale. Not very supportive as a friend. How dare you?

I'm very supportive. I've literally supported you for almost 10 years. Well, financially. And emotionally? Well, sure. And I've protected you from all sorts years. Well, financially. And emotionally? Well, sure. And I've protected you from all sorts of evil monsters and beings and creatures? But besides that...

Hey guys, here's the drinks. Red potion for me, red potion for you, sir. Chump, wouldn't it be fair to say that I'm sort of like Oni's daddy now? Yeah, I'd say you're his daddy. I'm your daddy, Oni. Say it. No. And I'm like your cousin that you're like, ooh, will they, won't they? Also, I met this guy at the bar.

I hear you guys are traveling with Arnie over here. A gentleman named Arnie. Hmm, in the middle of food. Everyone else has got these fucking long ass names. With thes in the middle. But no, we got an Arnie over here. I'm Arnie knee camp I'm from another world yeah we're both from another world brother

Oh see this tattoo yeah Delta Force Wow we're not supposed to get these because we're supposed to be a secret organization yeah some of us are fucking psychopaths you know we just get excited. We just do what we want to do. I do like that tattoo says Delta Force and then it has a bald eagle, but it's it's its wing is like shushing itself like it's a secret. Yeah. It's so when you see the tattoo, you know not to share it because I'm always in the steam room at the at the gym here in FUN. Wow. Are you you look like you're from Earth. I was once from Earth, but I've lost my fucking way at this

point. I I'm too deep. I'm in too deep. I've gone native. I went full Kurtz. I'm I'm fully whatever Daniel Day-Lewis his name and last to the Mohicans. I'm just I've become I've become one of these food residents. Chunt Chunt come here Chunt Chunt. I'm sensing an upgrade let's get back over there. What is your name stranger and what are your gifts and abilities? Name's Clint. Nickname of course in the crew is Clint but you guys can call me either one. I prefer Clint until I've earned my nickname by saving your ass from the fires of hell or bringing your ass down into the fires of hell as requested.

Whatever you need Delta Force and myself, Staff Sergeant Clint Howard has got your back. Damn this guy rules. Wait how many versions of his name Clint? Clint? Clint? Clint's my nickname. You gotta understand these Delta Force guys we're known for you know door kicking and and tank smashing but we're not exactly known for creative writing okay so cut us a little slack. The other guys nicknames in our crew are just as dumb and offensive but it's why you say that lint because Arnie studied creative writing at I want to say Arizona University of Arizona University of Arizona oh shit go Sun Devils is that them yeah I

think so I didn't go to a lot of games wait no not the Sun Devils that's Arizona that's Arizona State forgive me I offended you. Hopefully you don't live by the lore of these food heads over here. I've lost a couple of good buddies to some accidental misspeaks on trivia. These guys hold... they are fanatical about getting some shit right. I misspoke. My buddy ordered a purple potion by accident and they piano wired his fucking neck right in front of me. That was our best goddamn radio operator ever. We got no way to connect back to earth or America, whatever you guys call it here. Your friend open ordered a purple potion. Well the necromancers potion

How dare he what a vile act he deserved everything he got Yeah, you understand on earth we have something called purple drank which everybody really enjoys so we were we thought he was ordering that but then when you know the I guess animated skeletons or whatever attacked us and I convinced him to we don't have to get into it I it's too upsetting to even remember I lost a lot of good men hunting you down, mister. Is it kneecap? Knee camp? No, I think it's kneecap. No, it's kneecap.

It's always been kneecap. Arnie kneecap. What? Are we sure? Arnie kneecap. What are you saying? Arnie kneecap. Kneecap isn't even a word.

Kneecap is a word. That's true. Don't even get me started on how weirdly it's spelled. Arnie, have you heard of this Delta Force or this Clint Howard before? I mean, I've heard. I mean, generally speaking, yes. Clint, are you saying you you're a special forces soldier from Earth come here for me? That's my plan.

But that was my plan. I think here's the thing. When we got our plans, I ate them so that no one ever can find them. And now it's been so goddamn long that I need a refresher and you know, I've looked through my stool for the last six months or so, but I've been unable to discover anything like that. For six months, you've been looking through your stool. Yeah, well, I don't know. I've got a slow metabolism and this food food has got me all kinds of sideways but Yeah, fuck you. How are we gonna get you back? You got to come with me now Arnie

Well, no, I mean if you're here to save me then I guess that's great What happened to the rest of your team? One by one we were picked off. This land is not, let's say, friendly to visitors. We've been, you know, living amongst the Funenites for a while now. Is that what you guys call yourselves? I, I, uh, Foonlings? Do you guys have a name for yourself? Uh, it's all gravy, baby. Yeah, whatever you want to call us is fine. Uh, but the Funenites are a very specific sect of Funians, uh, who, who are, let's Funians who are let's be honest are a cult. So you're telling me Funians is the proper nomenclature then? Funians is great or you know

Funlings I liked Funlings too but Funenites watch out for them they'll make you drink some crazy shit crazier than purple potion. Well God help us all if I run into any of those guys look I, I'm sorry, I'm frazzled. I've been without my wife and kids or any of the earthly possessions I've become accustomed to. All I have is this MP5, this M60, this K-Bar fighting knife, you know, and whatever else I've got in my bag and fatigues at this point. Barely anything left here.

But Arnie, you've got to come with me. I'm sure your barely anything left here, but Arnie you got to come with me I'm sure your parents the kneecaps miss you big time. We got to get you back to earth Well, yeah, sure Absolutely, but I don't know am I gonna be safe in your hands I mean I've survived here for nine and a half years you've been here for nine and a half years I mean why the fuck why did I get eight and a half years into your run? Why was I assigned a mission to come in here and rescue you? And also to map all the defenses that the Funians have established throughout all of the land?

I don't care for that. Why would I have that mission if it wasn't just to rescue you? Arnie, you must be important back on Earth. What is it you say you do? You're a radio communicator? Well, I'm a podcaster Have to assume that in the time I've been gone my podcast has become world news like Everybody is sort of talking about how I've discovered another world and how I'm a lot of people were interested in your podcast at first But then celebrities got into the podcast game and kind of really muddied the situation and people are now talking about Conan O'Brien and I guess I guess Matt LeBlanc is watching old episode of friends with Lisa Kudrow and so they're going through there. How can I compete with that? That makes me so maddened but also I do kind of want to listen to that

Matt LeBlanc one now that you mentioned it. Look, this sounds like high quality entertainment, but I will not stand for this one second longer. You were sent here one year ago because the goddesses demanded it. They said, please finally send a savior from Earth who can assist you, you said, or in your battle against evil. You, Clint, have been brought here to replace Arnie as the valiant warrior we've been looking for this entire time. Nine and a half years in, Arnie,

you haven't proven yourself as a valiant warrior yet? Oh boy. I mean, I was the greatest warrior in all of Foon. I mean, I accidentally killed the greatest warrior in all of Foon, so I have that. Accident. That's great. That's like I accidentally killed

a Panamanian rebellion leader when I was supposed to kill the Panamanian conservative leader and didn't matter really. It still just drove down the price of bananas and we all ended up winning here in the States. Well, here in the States. You listen to me. I feel like I'm still there. Fuck. I'm all caught up in this shit.

Arnie, get this shit and we gotta go ditch this little what is this? Uh skunk and badger Whoa, what the fuck he talks? He's been talking this whole time and I thought I was losing my fucking mind But then when he directly reacted to something I said that really twisted me up. Sorry. I've been I've been a little quiet I just keep reading your shirt over and over a tight black t-shirt that says I'm not as think as you drunk I am yeah We were supposed to wear street clothes so I and it wasn't originally tight when I came through the portal, but I've been

Subsisting on I guess what you guys have is high caloric plant life here. I've been fucking like a galvone I've been blowing up since I got here. But yeah, I buy it. We were supposed to dress as civilians. So I we we ended up pretending to be a group of guys on spring break and food. And unfortunately for us, one of the first people we ran into was some sort of like lizard warrior hybrid thing. And it had a sling and it took out our fucking leader right off the grip. Oh, Jerry? Oh, too close. Too close, Jerry. No, our leader's name was Gerald.

Oh, no, I was talking about the lizard hybrid guy. I think that was Jerry. No, he... Oh, fuck, I thought he was saying our leader's name, but he must have been saying his own. That little sick bastard has got a fucking... He's got an arm on him. He hit my commander with a rock while he was running at full speed,

hitting him right in the temple. Pink misted his brain. It was brutal to see. Oh, but he's great on a Mittens team. Very athletic, got a lot of drive, got a lot of hustle. You like to see him grab the potted plant and get it all the way to the other end of the field. If he can, he's one of the few who can do it. I'm assuming this is a local sport here this mittens game is what you're saying Oh means it's one of the most wonderful games ever created. Yes, of course Actually, you'd make a great mittens player. Have you ever thought about trying out? I played college football then I played a few years of rugby when I was in the army

Green Berets and then when I switched to Delta Force to make you quit all sports and mostly just watch propaganda all day long. Wow, you've had quite a storied career, the Green Berets and Delta Force? That's incredible, I assume. Yeah, Delta Force normally pulls from other special forces operations because Delta Force doesn't have like a real entry level program. You know, you can't be like a PA at Delta Force and work your way up. But enough, enough.

So Arnie's tried explaining this to us before. It goes Green Beret, then Delta Force, then G.I. Joe? G.I. Joe is the real American hero. That's correct. Yeah. I'm glad you now I'm glad you now know it's the more you know. But is it political? Like, do you have to know somebody to get into GI Joe? To get into GI Joe you have to know somebody and have a sort of fully realized character that can be eyeballed based on your wardrobe and specialty and that shit doesn't actually work.

We had a guy in, we had Firebug was in the Delta Force for a while but one errant ricochet hit him in the back his gas tank and killed his entire platoon So we we kind of try to not bring in these guys with all these fucking weird guns and shit Kind of use the standard issue M16 M203 grenade launcher dual mount with you know MP5 for sub, you know for your SMG Oh, totally fire. Oh, hey, The skunk knows what I'm talking about. Arnie, you start. What?

M16, 420. What are all these numbers? What is that? I don't know. I think they're weapons, they're guns. I mean, I'd be lying if I knew the specifics. Weapons? We've got to get this guy on our team.

We've got to take a quick break, and then I'll do everything I can to ensure that Clint Howard helps us defend the freedom of food. I'm Tristan Redmond and as a journalist, I've never believed in ghosts. But when I discovered that my wife's great grandmother was murdered in the house next door to where I grew up, I started wondering about the inexplicable things that happened in my childhood bedroom. When I tried to find out more, I discovered that someone who slept in my room after me, someone I'd never met, was visited by the ghost of a faceless woman. So I started digging into the murder in my wife's family. And I unearthed family secrets nobody could have imagined. Ghost Story won best documentary podcast at the 2024 Ambys and is the best True

Crime nominee at the British Podcast Awards 2024. Ghost Story is now the first ever Apple Podcast series essential. Each month, Apple Podcast editors spotlight one series that has captivated listeners with masterful storytelling, creative excellence and a unique creative voice and vision. To recognize Ghost Story being chosen as the first series essential, Wondry has made it ad-free for a limited time only on Apple Podcasts. If you haven't listened yet, head over to Apple Podcasts to hear for yourself.

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Follow Criminal Attorney on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Criminal Attorney early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Clint, I'm sorry. The muscles on you. It's pretty incredible. Yeah, I wasn't even this buff when I came in here, but there must be some slight difference in gravity or some sort of high protein plant life or whatever I'm doing is work of- I mean, I'm surviving my fucking ass off out there, Arnie. I lost a lot of good men. How many people did you come through with? Twenty-one.

Twenty-one? And where- They're all dead. Well- They're all dead. Well, they're all dead a couple of them Maybe are captured but at least a majority of them are dead Yeah When when my leader Rick got hit in the head with that stone for my guess is you were saying his name was Jerry Jerry lizard hybrid. Yeah, the lizard hybrid guy that sent us all into kind of disarray a few of us scrambled away and

We've we've reconnected deep a couple of months later But then they had gone too feral and we had to I had to kill a couple of my old squad mates Which was kind of brutal a big chiefdom as they call it I'm sorry to rewind a little bit So an entire military force came in and then a lizard guy killed one of you with a rock Yeah, yeah. Well, we were coming prepared for heavy armaments. We had, you know, we had our Kevlar on, we had a PC. And then when when Rick took a look out, I rock him right in the head,

pink misted his head, he kind of dropped back in with just a neck and, you know, a split open watermelon where his head used to be. And there we go, you know, Rick's down and who knew that he was the one holding us all together Shit hit the fan immediately at that point Data Data went fucking a wall. He went crazy right there put a gun in his mouth pulled the trigger right there inside They want data just killed himself immediately. Yeah, he was our Wi-Fi guy I mean, you know know I guess there's a bigger a better name for that but I'm more of a you know I'm a grunt I'm a

small arms expert so I don't know this shit but we call them our Wi-Fi guy small arms expert now you said over the year you've lost more of your platoon your compliment were any of them did any of them happen to be encased in crystal? Uh, two of them. Two of them were, uh, and I only, uh, is this a thing? Is that a thing you can get them out of? Because we, once that happened, we threw them into the water. We threw them off the surface. Why did you throw them into the water?

That was the best thing you could do. Oh, fuck, that is wonderful news. Yeah, yeah. If you, if you get encased in crystal, the first thing you want to do is throw that body into the water, because the water over time you get in case in crystal the first thing you want to do is throw that body into the water Because the water over time will help break down the crystal now I can help get them out of there But they'll never be the same again, and they won't recognize anyone they knew and they'll have a terrible thirst for dirt

They'll just want to eat dirt, and they'll eat dirt until their stomachs explode and distend Okay, so we should probably just leave them in though. I just leave them in there. Yeah, but technically they're alive Oh, that's good news. I guess that'll save two letters to two sets of parents. Wait a minute. Ysidor, you know Mary Bell, the princess of the Meadows? Of course. Didn't she just get married to a guy named Vance O'Donnell,

who's wearing a t-shirt that says federal butthole inspector? Yeah, I think Mary Bell did get married to Vance O'Donnell. That sounds right to me. Lit? Video on demand, our boy. That was his nickname in the crew. Really sounds like G.I. Joe names. Yeah. Well, we rip off G.I. Joe for our names, but we just don't have the full characterization. Yeah, because that would be so pointless to wear like a fucking yellow blowtorch suit running into food We got to wear camo turns out our camo doesn't really work You can't wear woodland camo in this world where you know some trees are purple and shit

Yeah, it's true got us found out Vance O'Donnell got married. Huh? Okay. Don't ask don't tell I always thought he was gay but uh Turns out he was straight. That's, well, is Maribel a human woman? Are there humans in Foon besides me, Cap, and myself? She's kind of like the concept of meadows, I guess. Sort of an ethereal creature. Meadows spirit, I would say. Yeah.

That makes sense for old video on demand. He loves that fucking bullshit. He was waxing on and on again about meadows and savannas and mesas and shit and I was, no one had time for that. So he kicked him out of the crew because he went fully pacifist. He buried his weaponry and was like, I'm out of here. I'm glad to hear he found something for himself. Yes, there are other humans here in Foon. I think there's some in the bar tonight. Let's see, that's a centaur. That's three witches.

Okay. Let's see, I could have sworn I saw a human in here. Chunt, have you seen any humans lately? Not that I can think of. Okay. There's a dog walking on its hind legs. Good boy. Keep it up.

See, I saw that and didn't know if that was like a new race or, you know, I didn't know if that was like a bartender or something, but that's just what, because we have dogs, but they don't walk on hind legs on Earth. That's just a really smart dog. Yeah. When dogs get smart enough, sometimes they walk around on their hind legs. It's crazy. But it's really cute.

Note to self, dogs here are smart. When they get even smarter, they go back to four legs because that's much easier for their build. Yeah, their body, it suits them better. So he's, he's on his way to becoming very smart right now. He's just pretty smart for a dog. Like if he was a dumb dog, he'd run on all fours, but he's pretty smart. So he figures he can get a better vantage on high legs. But then another level of evolution will teach him that actually I'm faster and more comfortable on all fours and right his paws don't do much for me He's kind of college level smart. He's like, I'm just gonna try some things. That's You love to see it. You love to see a college

Educated dog just getting his crack at life, you know, this is not shit. We have on earth, you know I didn't even get to go to college I went straight into the army because Well, let's just say colleges don't take people who hit teachers with baseball bats That's probably for the best. Yeah, but the army does Yeah, as a matter of fact the army put that put me right into our OTC like that gave me an officer technically the the ability to shut off the the shame shame or the pity that would come with hitting an old teacher in the face with a bat is, you know... Oh no.

Once you get rid of that, you're pretty much ready for Delta Force. It turns out, well, I feel bad even talking about this. That teacher helped to turn my entire life around. But I got my hands on a bat and he taught me to read taught me to dance gave me a chance out of my little small town but the second I got my hands on that Louisville I knocked his teeth down his goddamn throat so he didn't even do anything it was just that you found a bat found a bat and I said watch this and he said seriously stop swinging it like that this is like it's really small room and I was like no watch this watch how fast I could get it going

I and it fucking whack hit him right in the jaw like Beavis and butthead frog baseball Just spit spray and teeth. Do you guys have Beavis and butthead here? Beavis and butthead? Arnie have you never told us about this? What is this? Huh? Wait, what this and butt head. Wait, John, what did you think it was called? Beep this and butt head? You hear everything else so perfectly. Beep this and butt head.

Sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. It's so weird to hear new words. They're animated American personalities that watch music videos and get into hijinks and they have a hard time at school. So of course I related to them instantly. That's neither here nor there. Arnie, get your shit. We're getting the fuck out of here.

This is my one nonstop express ticket to the Congressional Medal of Honor. Oh wow. Now I have to ask. Arnie's been trying to get home for years. How do you plan to get back to Earth? Oh I was kind of hoping you would know. I figured there'd be like another Burger King here that is like the the flip Burger King of our Burger King back in Chicago that we entered through. Oh that's not a bad idea. We should find like a Bizarro Burger King back in Chicago that we entered through. Oh, that's not a bad idea We should find like a bizarro Burger King somewhere. I don't know of a Burger King here a

Chunt do you know of any Burger Kings here in food? That's why I've been always so fascinated by him Yeah, I can't think of any Burger Kings. There's a Filet-O-Fish mayor There was a Filet-O-F fish mayor I'm sorry to say. Oh no no. But he wrote a convertible through town and we had to take him out we thought he had the answers that we needed we wanted to get the deputy mayor into power because of his capabilities so we had to take the filet of fish out. I mean if you drive a carriage with the top down and your horses are running rampant then yeah, I guess that's Threatening. Oh, oh less than one. I don't think anyone's gonna be doing that anytime soon. That's for sure

so wait, let me get this straight Clint you have been in food for about a year and You've been slowly being killed off But also you've been taking notes on military strongholds. And it sounds like destabilizing any government that you come across along the way. Yeah, we had some, I guess our commander calls them side quests. Like while we're here on the main mission to rescue you, we can rack up, you know, 10, if we get 10 destabilizing events, we can come back and, you know, trade that in for tickets and then use those tickets for

If we get enough you can get like a toaster oven But mostly you just end up with like four of the same thing You know for like sticky hands on strings that you could like whip and steal dollars an entire oven dedicated to toast Ony why have you never told us of such a wonderful thing? I don't like talk about earth stuff Almost a decade in here toaster ovens never came up Arnie I thought I went native you're in too deep. All righty. What is this that you're drinking ale? Yeah, we have this Okay, that is so yeah, that is not weird. These guys are the weirder thing I wish I had the weirder thing. They won't let me are you not allowed to have red potion?

I'm not allowed to have red potions? I'm not allowed to have red potions. He was addicted for a while. He was addicted to red potion. It wasn't good for him. Yeah, bad luck. I know how to handle it. I can have as much red potion as I want. It's not a problem. Okay, can you just back up a little? You just got so much spit in my face. Don't tell me where to stand. Oh, Lint, I should that you this might make sense to you

Maybe three or four weeks ago We had a big crate drop from the sky with a parachute and on the box that said loot Is that that was that was for us that way that should have been a re-up of ammo and stuff They said they were gonna catapult it through use a trebuchet to fire it through the Burger King and it should Get airborne and land here but We were unable to get anywhere near it, but luckily I mean luckily for this hyper specific situation There's only one of us and not 21 of us so I could live off of way less MREs than is needed But I hope you guys got a had fun. It's probably just a bunch of ammo and gauze and some you know

Had fun, it's probably just a bunch of ammo and gauze and some, you know. Well, the locals took everything in there and took all the those little the little metal pieces. Bullets. Yeah, yes. They look like little like crossbow bolts and they just melted it all down and they made they made a beautiful suit of armor out of it. Holy shit. Oh, can I just say when they melted those down, their house was destroyed. Yeah, it was it was fucking crazy. There's like 4000 little holes in their house when they melted those down. But but they did it. That'll happen. That's how we

took out an entire I don't know cadre of noels. We they were sitting around a big old fire. We didn't know what what we were going to do do and someone just threw an M60 ammo belt right in the campfire in the middle. And we didn't really have to do much. We just had to hide our asses and watch as these guys got fucking swish-cheeseed right in front of us. Yeah. What about the person that threw the ammo belt in?

It's got a, it's a feeling that would happen fast. That was, yeah, that's, you know, that was another good, we lost a good guy that day too. He was our fastest guy. We called him Flow Joe. And he was just not fast enough that day, you know, and Noel grabbed his little shorts that he was wearing and tripped him up a little and then at that moment the belt must have hit, you know, the heat point or whatever they call it, flash point and

Shot his little ass up. Oh terrible. What a terrible way to go. Tiniest ass on Flojo. It was brutal. It was brutal. We, you know, we had to bury him in a sack. Sure. He's too loose. Well, that's kind of fun though. Oh, yeah, we know the burial was fun. We ate a lot of gnoll meat that night. Buried Flojo. Two more of us died from gnoll meat poisoning that night. So yeah, we lost three or four that day. We've been, it's attrition is a hell of a bitch.

We lost our leader on like minute six of being here. And then we pretty much lost everyone about a month and a half and except for I guess the guy who married the concept of Meadows and the Vance O'Donnell yeah yeah video on demand and then and then the two twins that got locked in the crystals that we threw into the lake yeah don't bring them back they'll never be the same okay yeah don't we don't want they were already freaks you know when like adult twins are too into being twins It's like okay. Come on. I have separate entities at this point. Why are both of you Delta? It's confusing Yeah, there's a rumor that they spoke their own language. They also were wearing

Confusing t-shirts tight tight t-shirts that one said thing one and the other said thing two Yeah, that's some sort of reference to the Fantastic Four Yep to yeah that's some sort of reference to the fantastic four yep it's a earth property of some IP whatever they these these people call it these days Arnie get your shit let's get out of here you can bring the skunk and the Mennonite guy in the blue if you need to but we need to go now Arnie are we are we going are we leaving Yeah I'll go upstairs and pack your bag. No I'll go grab my bin. I don't know we're kind of in the middle of stuff.

I mean and also this guy I'm sorry Clint I just don't know that I have a lot of confidence in your I feel like I'm safer without you. Oh Arnie. Oh what is this? Same shit my general said. Oh everyone seems to always die in your platoons, Clint, and now you're alone and you know, well I'm alone again Arnie. And I-

This has happened to you before? Yeah, this happened before you came to Froon? Oh boy. Yeah, this is like my fourth mission where I'm the only guy left. One of them, one of them to be fair was I did have to kill my entire platoon, that was my orders. So they were all, they were all double agents. Were these official orders or did like a talking dog give you these orders?

What? No, you never, you never take the talking dog's orders at plain sight. Arnie, they were all double agents. Did you hear? He's not listening to the dog. Oh, okay. He's listening to the dog, but he's not doing what the dog says. Yeah, not in this instance. The dog didn't even know they were double agents.

I found that out on the mission when they tried to flip. They tried to join the ISIS while I was with them. So I had to kill them. Oh, this was this was this was in Cincinnati. Arnie, that's where you're you're from around there, right? You're near Cincinnati. It's close to where I'm from, yeah. I'm from Ohio.

Well compared to Foon, like anything we mention on Earth is closer to where Arnie's from. That's true. That's the point. Kuala Lumpur is a little closer to where Arnie's from than whatever this tavern is. Holy shit, those three witches are kissing. This fucking place rips. Oh yeah. They'll do that. They share one soul. Well, let's take another quick break. Hi, Melinda. And then when we come back, I guess, Arnie, I guess we're all heading out. This is the emergency broadcast system. A ballistic missile threat has been detected inbound to your area. Your phone buzzes and you look down to find this alert.

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You can binge all episodes of Kill List early and ad free right now by joining Wondry+. Usador, John. Yes. Look, I'm not sure that I'm comfortable saying what this guy... He just seems to get everybody killed, but then also, I don't know if you know if I'm comfortable just like, sending him into like a random area of Foon where he can cause trouble for people who aren't... Who are just trying to live their lives.

Arnie, I'm going to be totally honest with you. I was ready to kick this guy out and put you in his place. A big warrior come here to help us fight evil, but you're right, he gets everyone killed. I think he might be hearing voices. I don't know what's going on with him. I think he's cool. I mean, look, he's cool. He's definitely cool.

We can all agree he's very cool. Listen, he's glistening. He has a thin band of metal across both knuckles. This guy rules Holy shit, these centaurs are better than a steel bull He's got one foot on two different centaurs he's standing up riding them. This is incredible. I hope he asked them to do that Shit your boys getting a little ripped. Let's go. How are you doing Clint?

You feeling all right now? I'm feeling a little better. I'm feeling a little loose. Couple of ales, couple of centaur surfs. Get you going. So you guys said your goodbyes. Arnie, let's get the fuck out of here. We got to get to this, the ass end of the Burger King whatever that is over here the Burger King exit the Mayor

McCheese's house or whatever I guess he's a McDonald's property first of all I'm not sure that I know how to get back through that same portal Like I was betting big on you get me the fuck out of here Arnie. Yeah, get you back to the kneecap family I mean I have successfully gone back to earth in the 80s But I don't know if you want to visit my childhood Yeah, we could probably get you to Toledo in roughly 1989 and 1990 you could go to a Myers I don't think that really helps me in my situation now in the 90s I would I shit was bad for me. You know I was I was like

13 years old just causing trouble you know yeah I had a who had soap shoes where you can grind with your shoes and I gang of people that was rolling with they were grinding on all these banisters and a Teacher tried to stop us, and I hit him in the face with a baseball bat. Was this the same teacher or a different teacher? Different teacher. This was a different teacher. Same bat? Same bat.

Look, unfortunately it was the same bat. Same, well not the same exact bat, but the same make and model. Oh, I see. Similar bat. That's kind of a fun nice saying like same bat, I see. I see. Okay. Similar bat. That's kind of a fun nice saying like same bat different teacher. Or maybe inverse it to different teacher. Same teacher different bat. Yeah.

No. Speaking of soap, Lint, I did see you had a pillowcase full of bars of soap. Sort of twisted at your side there. Yeah, this was just in case Arnie didn't want to come with and we had to get his dumpy ass back through Foon and get it to Earth. We're gonna have to order a, I believe we call them, Code Reds. Wow, is that why during the break you asked me where I sleep and how deeply I sleep? Yeah, that's why I asked you that and that's why I said have you ever seen Full Metal Jacket or A Few Good Men and I guess you've only seen...

Which one was it again? You saw neither of those. So I'll call it away. Thin Red Line? Is that the one you like, Ernie? I vividly remember as a kid in the 80s having kids at lunch explain the plot of Full Metal Jacket to me and from everything they said it's just a delightful action romp. That's right

that's pretty much it I mean I love that movie I laughed through the whole thing when I first saw it made me join the military right after I was like wow I took the right thing away from this film I'm ready to go to basic training I thought I'd look good with a shaved head. Luckily Delta gets to grow their hair out because I was wrong. I got a big old weird lump on the top. Sure. Arnie, is that the one where, um, uh, where the girl doesn't know who her real father is and they sing the songs about trying to figure out who the real dad is? That's Full Metal Jacket, right?

Yeah, you said it's like,'s like Meryl Streep and someone else. The guy who is James Bond I think you said. They're all in Greece. Oh that's right and they did a sequel Full Metal Jacket here we go again. Yeah. I believe you guys are confusing two films I think you're thinking of Sisterhood of the Traveling Jacket. Oh, yes. Okay, alright, sorry about that. We've all been in food too long. I know I haven't, I've been here half as fucking long as you have, right? One-eighth as long as you guys. Look, Arnie, just go with this gentleman.

I think your time here is overstayed. You've stayed past your welcome. You'll figure out some way to get home, I'm sure. Chunt, what do you think? Yeah, I mean, Arnie, isn't this what you wanted? I mean... They finally came for you. I mean, I like the attention.

I guess I was expecting them to send something a little... No offense, Clint, you're great, but I was expecting like a more competent rescuing. Well, I'm not really a rescue guy as much as I am a so disarray amongst the local populace kind of guy. So I've been focusing on that. Well, in that case, well done destabilize, destabilizing military strongholds and, you know, preventing networking amongst your defense systems here so that if needed, the US Army can come through

that Burger King and shut this whole fucking thing down. I'm pretty sure that that portal's gone. Good, because in my time here I've learned to love myself enjoying the company of little skunks and little larger blue-robed freaks and even the kneecaps of the world make sense for me here and I don't think I'm not only am I not ready to go back I ain't certainly not ready to call reinforcements do that goddamn Burger King and light you fuckers up. Cause goddamn it, if my general says surf the beach, you surf the goddamn beach, you hear me?

Yes. Oh, did your leadership back on earth mention why they want Arnie back at all? They said it would be an absolute PR nightmare if we killed one of our own during in like a massive Military offensive Okay, that's good. I think I'm telling you guys some stuff. I'm supposed to keep the secret Okay, but I look I don't know I had two sips of this red potion and I'm feeling fucking loose as a motherfucking goose. It'll do that. So it sort of sounds like me being here is actually keeping Foon safe from a full on

military invasion. God damn it, Arnie, you are the linchpin. You are the protector of this realm. What? You here, you are, you just being here will protect this realm from an all-out assault from the United States Army on behalf Of Earth of course without anyone else on Earth's permission We would just do that, but we would be considering it doing it on behalf of all Earth people Seems like I'm pretty important. You're goddamn right. You're important Arnie and for that reason alone

I have to leave you here with your skunk friend and the blue guy Clint you seem to have grown to love food frankly more than I have Would you like to use your? frankly terrible methods for the good of food at this point I'm just a weapon to be wielded by who? Weld? Am I a weapon to be wielded? Wielded? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wielded. At this point I'm a weapon to be

wielded by whoever grabs the pommel. And if in this case if it's the good people or the good things of Foon, then I'm... I guess you can call them people even if they're not humans, right? Sure, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Usador. Yeah. At some point, should we become like, you know, sort of hard nosed detectives who fight crime and call ourselves skunk and the blue guy? Yes. That kind of rules, right? Absolutely.

I think it would work great. I'm sorry to butt into this conversation, but on Patreon, maybe. Oh, absolutely. Everything's content. Oh, I like the would work great. I'm sorry to butt into this conversation, but on patreon maybe oh absolutely Everything's content. Oh, I like the sound of that also think skunk and the blue guy could be a great morning radio show here in food You're listening to skunk and the blue guy that rules First time long time it's me Clint. How's everybody doing in the over there? I Whip'em Out Wednesday, I saw some fucking centaur titties on the drive over here. Wow!

Uh, Clint, I- I think that you are a... Diabolically, uh, disastrous... Uh... Purveyor of violence and thank you. Wow but Focused on the correct thing One of the greatest assets that we have air had What do you know?

About spin tax the green another wizard looks kind of like me Where's green has a high Coily weird voice everybody loves him. I Never heard of him There see Arnie. You're my favorite everyone uses that term there Okay, live and learn spin tax is one of the many wizards who's been a massive power in the Just south of Fingaria. He has a stronghold,

one of his many secret little hidey holes. I want you to march north. And any bastard wearing a green robe or wearing a green armband who's supporting Spintax, I want you to mow them down. Let me just see if I got this right. Head north to just south of Fingoria and there I'll meet Spintax. Close enough.

Yep. He's never gonna get that right. Got it. Kill anyone wearing green. See you later. Oh shit. Wait, he ran out of here so fast. Guys, I'm back. You gotta cover for me. There was some little like just a little kid I was trying Even you said it yourself blue man group. I gotta you gotta focus me. God damn it

You sort of don't you have like a magical trinket you can give him that like Points him to where he's supposed to go? Of course. Here, take this amulet. This green emerald will shine brightly when Eir, one of Spintak's followers, is nearby. Oh, I love it. Thank you. Shit, am I wearing green now? Oh no. Wait, no, I don't have to attack myself, do I? Clued, you don't need to point a gun at yourself. All right, thank fucking God, because this time I was ready to use it I only have a couple of bullets left, and I'm gonna save one for this fucking

Syntax what's his name spin class well well well beep dis and Bup head doesn't seem so strange now does it? I'll just I'll just write it down. Yeah spin tax SPI MTX I definitely said that those are two pretty common English words I definitely said that yeah that's understandable I got me I'm in my fucking head about this shit alright spin tax okay alright well Arnie God bless the USA sure oh all, he started tears welled up in his eyes. What's that about?

Is that comic? He proudly stood up. I am a real American! Fight for Iraq! Sorry, I have to go. I'm on a mission now. It was a pleasure meeting all of you. Young Skunk, Bluey,

the kids show Mr.. Kneecap himself, thank you very much. Thank you for your service Clint. Oh actually do you mind if we call you? Clint no you guys are my boys now you can call me clit Impossible to find and powerful as hell take care clit and just so you know Hawkeye was Daniel Day-Lewis' character in Last of the Mohicans. Arnie told us the entire story. Clit out. There's no chance in hell he'll survive.

I don't think so. I don't think he's gonna get out of town. Should we start doing Whip It Out Wednesdays? That's not a bad idea. Clit out made me think of that. I'll go first. Ha ha! Here's my magic wand. Pretty good. I whipped it out. Is it too late for me to go with Clint? Oh look the little kid was Scarecrow Eddie. He's sewing his head back on. Oh he's fine. Yeah but he seems traumatized. Oh yeah he's traumatized.

Well at least he's not trapped in a crystal. There were some consequences. Yeah. Fine. I wonder what the odds would be of someone eventually whipping out talent. I suppose we'll neeeer know. Usado the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Delta IV Soldier Clint Howard was played by special guest John Gabras. Check out John's podcasts, high and mighty, wherever you get your podcasts, and Action Boys on Patreon. High and mighty wherever you get your podcasts and action boys on patreon Duncan potato grease the guy floating near the ceiling of the tavern was played for one line this episode by Zack Oyama Hello from the magic tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the magic tavern patreon Like all those little stone figures being crushed at the bottom of the big statue in the atrium of the evil ministry of magic. In the last of those wizard books written by, um, she who must not be named. Supporters like Zachary Binks Wilhite, Chase Humphreys, Hannah Sawyer and her husband who

doesn't understand this podcast but supports her addiction anyway. Hannah's husband, I am right there with you. Yazoo, Alex Concealus, Kagura Scarlett, Warrior of Light, Jazz. Okay, you didn't write Jazz, but I think you meant to. Stephanie Bogdan, Goofy Artemis, Terry the Grinder of All Things Hind, intriguing, and Danny from Ohio, less intriguing. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the Hind, intriguing, and Danny from Ohio, less intriguing.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate Producer, Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

At a time when we're debating where policing is going, we're going to tell you where the police came from. They wanted me to write about the New York City Police Department, but without using the words violence or corruption, which is effectively impossible. A story of how the largest and most influential police department in the country became one of the most violent and corrupt organizations in the world. It doesn't matter if you're, you know, a self-emancipated by person or if you're a free... they're just sending people back to the south, kidnapping them.

When officers with the power to fight the danger become the danger. I was terrified. I'm not gonna talk to the police because they're the ones who are perpetrating this. Who am I gonna talk to? From Wondry and Crooked Media, I'm Chinjirah Kumanika, and this is Empire City, the untold origin story of the NYPD. Follow Empire City on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can binge all episodes of Empire City early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+.