Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 30 - Jackalope (w/ Whitney Chitwood)

Episode Date: October 14, 2024

The guys meet Ricky Springfoot, a jackelope who "disappears" folks on the eve of her wedding.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiRicky Springfoot: Whitney ChitwoodMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. And, if you're like me, you barely have time to listen to it as you switch out your summer wardrobe of loose-fitting, breathable silk cloaks for your lineup of faux-fur lined, button-and-buckle-covered steampunk winter cloaks. But listen to it you will, because it's not easy to walk away from things you've sunk in so much time into. And that's why there's nine seasons of The Flash. Now, sit back podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Necamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined as always, and here, I'm gonna try something different, by my two co-hosts Chut and Ysidor. I am Ysidor Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius Master of light and shadow Manipulator of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Drogas, the elves noobiest being out The dwarves noobiest Zoninook sanguis And I am known throughout the northeastern's Gats you say star and then any other secret names names that are so powerful That's if I did should be able to talk over it, but it's hard not to surely all of your pores would open up

And then it's like I'm not listening to it, but I can't pause white noise Oh Listening to it, but I can't pause. Yes, I quite know is it this yeah Oh, so you're tighter Arnie Closed around the very skull of your face suffocating you and your own body my Apple is Getting that's getting tighter the last guy. Yeah, my buttholes been getting tied in the last hour. So you know what that means? well storms Kevin Yeah, my butthole's been getting tight in the last hour or so and you know what that means? well

storm's coming Oh, I have more follow-up questions than I probably should and I'm sorry you sir. We'll get to whatever you wanted to talk Your butthole has been getting tighter over the last hour. Is it like? Consistent is it a kind of like you want to know the consistency of my bundle not consistently like but the consistency of the tightening I guess it like like does it tighten at a steady rate? How this is turning into a math problem? Um, I'd say it's like two Titans inward one Titan out Okay. Yeah. Hmm. So sort of an attack on Titan. You know what? Yeah, I would say that already Yeah, I have no follow-up things about that. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Sure, no, neither do I. But I appreciate something when I hear it. Hope you don't... Hope you guys don't mind that I brought a little rocking chair to the table today. Sure. Yep, Sturm's coming. They're so folksy. And I'm sorry, Usador, you can unpause. Okay, alright. You see, Transfincter is very sensitive to the weather. And at certain moments, when a storm rolls in,

he feels the need to pull out a rocking chair, for it-it tightens, and it's not very comfortable for his little hymen. Look-look at how cute Chunt is! Look at his little hymen! I'll only fan myself with this hat and dump out my corn cob pipe Is that what you call your other bottle yes? Stirring you do you believe we've been doing this for nine years? I can not nine and a half years and the flow up top is impeccable Yes

stirms Kermin flow up top is impeccable. Yes Sturms Kermit flow up top Sturms Kermit I like how you're somehow both old and from South Park at the same time. Well What park that's south of here? What do you speak? No, it's this is new earth people are loving it probably still maybe I don't know maybe a couple times a year loving it probably still maybe I don't know maybe a couple times a year. Yusinor, should we be worried about how folksy Chana is getting? Should I be worried? Should we be worried? Do you think he's stepping on my my thing? Yeah. Because I'm so wonderful and folksy and beloved by all who hear my my simple wizardly ways. Arnie you're looking a little pale have you been

taking cragnesium? I feel like you need a little bit more Cragnesium in your diet. What's Cragnesium? Well, what you wanna do is you wanna head outta here. Take the left, go 20 feet, take the right. You're gonna go about 400 yards. You're gonna hit the old Williams house.

You're gonna knock on the door, ask them for further directions. Once they give you further directions, you're gonna get hit the old Williams house You're gonna knock on the door ask them for further directions once they give you further directions you're gonna follow them to a T they're gonna lead you to the Grow crag where the crags grow and then you're gonna get some cragnesium Yeah, I think I figured out how to be folksy other chunt I'll just say well bigger Well well Well just say well bigger well well well well well I should get going stirms Kermit you both look like you're other pass out yeah I got a little I had hey Arnie yeah my lungs are not meant for a well that big I feel like

you sure is really trying to out well me, he's not a bottomless well. Yeah. Oh, I should mention Arnie, I sent away, of course I've been writing some letters these days and I sent away to see if we could encourage someone from outside this region to come guest on the podcast and someone replied. We've been corresponding. Someone replied to your correspondence yeah well yeah well well well wait is that oh I think they're here oh yeah please come on to the table sit to the table with us follow the rocking chair please pull up a chair can you help me can I get a hand? Hey, can I get a hey beard beard? Hey beard? Help me

Well, well, but I have Coming I have fur on my face. Yeah Storms got service coming storms coming. I I can see how tight your butthole is sir Badger Thank you put that away. We have a guest. Hey, listen, I'm just trying to... It's like having a clock on the wall, right? Yeah, you can tell.

It's like a barometer. It's like a butt barometer. Yeah, I'm helping you out, Arnie. Take the weathervane out of it at the very least. No, that's that weathervane. It runs through my butthole up into my lungs. Why don't you try taking out your veins? Yeah, take out your veins.

Idiot. Take out your veins, human. No, fair enough. Fair enough. I just want to make sure you're not going to die. Please, friend, what is your name? And grammacies, and welcome. Yeah, grammar tease to you, too. My name's Ricky Springfoot. Yeah, grammar tease to you too.

My name's Ricky Springfoot. Yeah, I heard I got a core emissive, as it were, from our friend Chunt over here and invited me to come in and I heard there were rocking chairs about, so I figured I'd come say how to do. So, how to do. How to do. How do you do?

Down to you too. We're so glad you could join us today. I can't help, you must understand, Arnie here, the human. Yeah, that's me. He's from another world. Sure, oh. That makes sense, that tracks, that outfit really tells another world.

It's a great outfit on my world. Is it, the Smiths? that tracks, that outfit really tells another world's story. It's a great outfit on My World. Is it, The Smiths, is that what that says? That t-shirt? I got a new t-shirt from My World, it's The Smiths. I feel like the lead singer of The Smiths is, there's nothing, in the time I've been gone I'm sure he's been fully above board and nothing problematic about him at all. Michael Smith, right?

That's the singer? Yeah, Michael Smith. What Arnie does is he sends this audio back to Earth so they can only hear us. They can't see us. And I can't help but notice, and I would like our listeners to know that you're a jackalope. Yeah, sure.

Jackalope by genus, you might say. Sure. I am about three feet tall from tail to tip of antler. As you might notice, I do have a pair of freshly polished antlers that I am mighty proud of. They don't look too bad, I'll say that much right now. They look very attractive, but I just, I didn't wanna be like, hey, I'm looking at your antlers You know what I mean like sure and I appreciate that and I think most jackalope folk will appreciate it

It's just it one would hope that it would go unsaid sure you know and but given the four What did you say this gets sent out? I don't fully understand it I think he puts all the sound in a bottle and then he he throws it into an ocean, and that ocean somehow connects back to Earth. Sort of. You start. Yes? What? Careful, because I feel like any time you say something in a bottle to Arnie, he always says, Eee-oh.

Why didn't he do it that time? He always does that. I don't know. And then sometimes he'll say, A-ee-oh, I, sometimes U-Y, it's a whole, I don't know what he says, it's a whole thing. Your antlers, let's all, Arnie, let's all enjoy. Well, now everybody look at them now, now I'm blushing. What are those, those are two liter, is that a 348 antler? Yeah, that's actually right, you got it right, Sean. It's a 348 antler, 16.9 by 12.

And I've finally grown into them and it feels real nice. It feels real nice to have gotten them all polished up. You know, it's only once in a jackalope's life that we get our antlers all polished up, right? And I feel proper sparkling. Ricky, it is only once in a life when a jackalope gets, their antlers are all spuckled up. And I believe it's on the eve of your wedding day,

is it not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is, it is my bonding ceremony eve. Well congratulations to you then. Ah, yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you. Who's the lucky, who's so much? Who's the lucky other jackalope, other creature, human, mythical creature? It could also be like a random concept or...

Ani, you sound like an idiot right now. Yeah, Ricky, are you are you wedding the concept of laughter or...? Well, I did date the idea of a nightmare for three weeks, but. Haven't we all? Well. That's right, pound it. My gal is, her name's Linda.

You might describe her as a turtle folk. I would just call her my sweetie pie sweetheart and I ain't never loved nobody anymore than I do love my Linda. And yeah, we're getting married. I can't help but notice just the slightest bit of hesitation and a kind of a blank stare of fear in your eyes.

No, no, yeah. No? Yeah, I wasn't sure if that was just like a jackalope thing, if that's just like a normal jackal face thing. Arnie, you sound like an idiot right now. That's the rudest thing you've ever said. Really? Well, now I will give credit to Arnie.

It is, it does, I mean, well, looks like a storm's coming. And if you don't know this about jackalopes, we only fornicate during lightning storms. So not for nothing. I'm feeling real riled up, y'all. Is that why you never come twice? That's understandable. If that's your sort of time to engage

in those sorts of physical activities. Would it be understandable that you'd be a little bit riled up? I mean, here on the show, Chunt's usually riled up. Oni, he's usually riled up. Sure. Me, I'm riled up, I'd say, only 80 to 95 percent of the time. Like ever, like all 80% of the time? Like ever. Like 80% of the always time.

Or just on the show, only 80 to 95% of the time that you're on the show. Right, yes, just during the actual recording of the show, I'd say I'm only sexually aroused 80 to 95% of the time. What a shame, what a shame. Well, we should go ahead and mosey on over to our first break. Storm's coming. Storm's coming. That storm is coming. and entrepreneurs get the opportunity of a lifetime. I wouldn't be chasing it if I didn't believe that the world needs this product.

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You can binge Incoming exclusively and ad-free on Wondery+. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Apple podcasts, or Spotify. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well looks like you sir is practicing as well. No, you're doing great. Give us one more. Give us one more Okay, well All right now you just sound like you were you're you like eat fancy pies you can't do it like that Yeah, it sort of felt like you started to say well, but got like ganked backwards. Yeah, exactly Like like a wedgie or something. You were wedgie'd halfway through. WEDGE? Now that one sounds like you're into working clean-offs.

Yeah. Okay, I seem to be getting worse. All right. So, Ricky, you're Jackalope. How did you get involved with a turtle folk? Well, so I met her at work. Mm-hmm. What do you do if you don't mind my asking?

Well, I am, some might call a bit of a hired hand in some respects. I do, like, per chance perhaps one might, like let's say someone did come in and give you sudor that wedgie. I imagine that that might make him rather mad and Or right, but yeah that well it is depends on if it falls between the five or ten percent, of course, but Should it make him mad then? Uh, he might call on me and say hey, i'm real mad at this underpants thief Will you go teach him a lesson? say hey I'm real mad at this underpants thief will you go teach him a lesson and and I go teach him a lesson in my my own way you might you might notice that I gotta I gotta I got a pair of quick quick hands you might could see in fact

here look look watch that watch that glass over there on the bar you ready okay which one the bars there's so many so many glasses 35 This bar Wait, hold on 37 now. There's 30 hold on 22 wait 17 5 4 3 2 1 what's happening to all the glasses? Whoa? Yep I'm a sharpshooter. You might say

Yep. I'm a sharpshooter, you might say. Ooh! Sharpshooter with magic. Make anything you don't want there. Get going. Wow. Well, now we can't serve any more drinks, so that's a problem, but I am impressed. Fair. Fair point.

I imagine I can use my great magical powers to reconstitute these glasses. Erotro! Kada tada! La da da da da! Okay, I made one big glass. So everyone has to share tonight. Hmm. Okay. Yeah.

Can all lap it up. We can all jump on the rim and give a little lap. Yeah. That'd be pretty nice. That's fun, right? It'll be like a watering hole. Yeah. Okay.

I'll see if I can find some straws too. I'll be right back. Speaking of watering hole. Yeah, okay. I'll see if I can find some straws, too. I'll be right back watering hole Yeah, I was gonna You guys it's gonna suggest we find a way to tighten that rim a specific rim Specific room to oh My rim specifically my rim I see yeah. Yeah well, so you know you're some sort of like a

Hired I don't know like You bring frontier justice to people it sounds like yeah, it's I would say it's like it's middle-tier I don't know that it'd be frontier, but I think that it's a good enough justice And I met my Linda when when I was called in by her father, actually. Oh, meant to kill her? Her papa, not to kill her, no. Oh.

No, she just happened to be there. I was called in to kill, not kill, make disappear, perhaps one might say. Sure, yes. Make, usher onto a separate plane against her father. disappear, perhaps one might say. Sure, yes. Usher onto a separate plane against their will. I was brought in, there was some debts that needed to be settled, gambling to be specific, and I went in for the first time to meet with her papa,

and I tell you, she was sitting right there in the corner, and I couldn't take my eyes away from her, and it weren't but another 40 years and now we're gonna be getting Pitched 40 years for your courtship. Yeah, it's a turtle person Arnie. Oh, no, you're right. It's about 38 Yeah, which is pretty honestly pretty short when you think about it. I mean she's gonna live so long and I You know, I've been I've been kicking around for a while. I ain't a young spring rabbit or anything anymore and

Any y'all got you got others any of y'all got others or anything? We have each other we've all loved and lost in our own ways guess, you know, but you know, hope always springs eternal Although I've got to say it's got to be Difficult having two vastly different metabolisms in a relationship. It is. Yeah, she's a Predominantly eats one leaf of the salad when I eat 94 pounds of it So we it's it's hard, but you know, I'm working. And any of y'all been married before or hitched up? Y'all y'all y'all y'all before?

I've never been married. I was in a long term on again off again thing with Genelevia the Red. And you know, then of course, I fell in love recently. You know, with the- Recently? Yes, with the princess. It was very tumultuous and very dramatic,

very sexually charged, very confusing to me. It happened within the course of a single episode of this show. Yeah. And I don't even remember her name. Oh, you used the door. You used the door. No, well they.

Not in a bad way, it just had happened so fucking fast. It was so charged. There was so much passion. So much going on. That you couldn't even, you couldn't even think to remember her name afterwards because all the passion sucked it right out of you. Was it Jenny?

Probably. Probably. I was married, it's complicated. I don't want to talk about Earth stuff. And also one of us maybe was magically made to forget that they ever got married, so we probably shouldn't doubt. Uh-oh, who? Isidor?

Oh yes, it was me. Yep, must have been me idiot good cover on me well it's just you know well then you then then i mean maybe you know a little bit i don't know i don't know nothing about you know a 40 minute love affair but uh it's intimidating it's intimidating to throw you know a big old party when you got your whole family coming i I mean, I have, I got, I think like 235 siblings right now, so, I mean, that's so many mason jars on so many tables. Name one. Name one mason jar, okay, his name's Frank. Huh, weird name for a mason jar. That's a weird name for a mason jar. I mean, look at it, I mean, I'll be frank with you. I think it's the best-looking one

Oh, and that's why I brought it here Do you know I would say like Perry is more of a mason jar name Perry is a good mason jar name You ain't wrong there hairy jar So you're worried about your family getting along with Linda's family, it sounds like. Yeah, a little bit of that. Like, I don't know.

I mean, mine are mine are a mile a minute. You know what I'm you know what I'm you know I'm talking about their mile a minute and what they all have shit to say. They're always talking. They won't quit talking. And then, you know, Linda's family isn't all I mean, I worked her father And he's not completely on the up-and-up so you know I don't know if any of my if any of my siblings You know what here? I'll just so you know out for fun. I'll name one of them a Flappy tail floppy tail if if floppy tail go run in their mouth

I don't know floppy tail seems like it'd be a better mason jar name It's a bad name for a sibling right? Well, I didn't I didn't name them. Of course, of course. You know you can't choose, you can pick your nose. What's that thing that sometimes people say? You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends but you can't pick your friends nose? I think it's you should pick your nose.

You can murder your friends if they pick their nose Champagne for my real friends real pain for my sham friends. That's it. That's the one I'd rather have a bottle in front of me that a frontal lobotomy. Mm-hmm. I think it's I think it's sleep with a frontal lobotomy Mary your friends nose and kill Mmm. No, that's not right. Kill for money.

It was so close. It was so close though. Instead of a rose on my piano, I'd rather have tulips on my organ. All right. All right. Oh, child. Arnie? Everybody knows that Rose is the sex flower.

I can't believe you'd say something like that when there's this lightning storm going on and you got me all hot and bothered already. My God. You know what reminds me? We've never had Rose the sex flower on the show. We've had Flower the talking flower, but Rose the sex flower. Arnie, we can't have two flowers on.

I suppose that's fair. She calls a lot. She charges about, I think, the sniff, and it's a handsome price. Oh, and once you sniff, woo. Dot, dot, dot. Yes, dot, dot, dot once you sniff. Dot, dot, dot. Yes, dot, dot, dot. Ernie, dot, dot, dot.

Mamma Mia. If I could ask you all for any advice while I'm here or anything, I guess my biggest question would be, what do I do if there isn't a lightning storm tomorrow night? Oh. I'd like to preface my answer with this. Well. I'd like to preface my answer with this. I love giving advice and historically I'm great at it.

If there's no lightning storm tomorrow night, all you need to do is take this magical gem, whisper into the gem and say. Wait, what did you just say? Whisper into the gem. I swear you said, whisper. Whisper? I didn't say, whisper. You said gem. I swear you said Swisper. Swisper? I didn't say Swisper.

Swisper? That's not even a word. What, you can't even remember your wife. It's not a word, that's why we're so fucking confused. I thought what I said. We all heard Swisper, right? That's the most important word, Swisper. I heard Swisper.

Take the magical gem. Whisper into the magical gem, say, Usador, I need a thunderstorm right now and I shall conjure one out of the sky. You can do that? Sure, no problem. It's my wedding gift to you. Usador.

Yeah, he kind of makes minuscule lightning on the daily. Oh yes, that's one of my favorites. Minuscule lightning! God, you got my finger! Sorry, sorry, I was just trying to charge up Arnie's laptop. Sorry, I didn't mean to hit you. Are you okay, Ricky? Yeah, I'm alright. I mean, my fur's real stood up, but that ain't nothing at all, you know? Oh, I'm glad you're fine. Oh, Ricky, you're so fine. Hey, Ricky. Um

Hey, hey Ricky Well, well You said or can you make the gem Smaller like almost the size of a button or a pill and so Ricky doesn't get confused about who they're contacting. Maybe make it blue It is it is pretty big. It's pretty heavy. Right, right. Not to, I'm not one of, I'm not, I mean, it's a beautiful gift. It's okay, it's all right.

I can make it smaller, that's fine. It's not a big deal. You want me to kind of give Ricky a blue pill here? Yeah, just a little blue pill. Okay. All right. Give you a jagged little pill. Here. That's ironic.

Yeah, you oughta know. All right, I'll make it smaller. That fixes my problem. All right, well, no, I'm kidding. Well, I mean. But hey, I'm so sorry. I know we got right to the solution, but I actually do want to understand

the problem a little more. So Jackalopes can only have sex during a lightning storm? Over the years, over the generations of Jackalopes, there's not any like, there's no family remedies where you need like to get aroused some other way? Well, I mean, all right, there's three things that I think everyone knows about Jackalopes. We love to drink dishes of whiskey.

One. We can catch a speeding bullet in our teeth. Two. And we're dry as a bone if there ain't no lightning storm. Dry as a bone. Three. Those are the three things that I think everyone knows. I mean, I spend most of my time

with Jackalope and Turtlefolk, so I don't know if maybe it's not known, but it's a long standing tradition. And I don't know, I mean, my parents, my parents are always you know lightning storm frisky and their parents were lightning storm frisky but you have a you have a lot of siblings so so many we do live in a humid climate so have you considered going on a trip for your honeymoon? Wait a minute, we could go.

What if we went to the top of a mountain? The top of a mountain that's got roiling lava and fire within it. Maybe, maybe it's owned by a dark lord or wizard. I don't know, I'm not. Listen, I'm not. I'm just gonna pay my money to go to the spa area. But usually up on top of them, there's lots of lightning, right?

I suppose that's true. Sort of evil warlords and dark mages, they love the drama of a thunderstorm. Sure. And you know, sometimes it's just the crackle of evil magic, which isn't necessarily lightning, it's just, you know, particles in the air, sort of charged.

I think it was the last. I can't take my Linda to any top of a dangerous mountain. What about Big Thunder Mountain? I don't know if they have lightning there, but they definitely have thunder. But it's really big. Yeah, that might work. That might be great,

because it'd be thunder and it would feel like it. And I'm sure I'd get a rush from just being up there. Maybe, I don't know, most mountains got minecars going through them that used to get mined out, so maybe there'll be a minecar I can jump on. I don't know, maybe there'll be a log that goes down like a water flume or something. Well, that might be pretty fun. You may have to go to Splash Mountain. That's a that's a different mountain Don't they offer a hopper if you're gonna hop?

To am I thinking of something else? I think if you want to get to Big Thunder Mountain you have to follow the six flags up the mountain And I might think of something else. No, maybe you are maybe you can especially if you take someone like Rose up there You can do a fast pass. Yes, you'll want that. You know, she's, you know, sexually experienced, so she's, you know, she might fast pass you. Explain it further. No, go into more details. I don't know that I get it.

Well, a fast pass would just be, you know, if both of you are in the mood and you know what you want, that you don't have to hem and haw and do the sort of aw shucks, you can sort of make a pass. Okay, I'm exhausted. This entire time I've been shrinking this gem down and now it's very, very small. And we should take a quick break,

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I'm Tristan Redmond, and as a journalist, I've never believed in ghosts. But when I discovered that my wife's great grandmother was murdered in the house next door to where I grew up, I started wondering about the inexplicable things that happened in my childhood bedroom. When I tried to find out more, I discovered that someone who slept in my room after me, someone I'd never met, was visited by the ghost of a faceless woman. So I started digging into the murder in my wife's family. And I unearthed family secrets nobody could have imagined. Ghost Story won Best Documentary Podcast at the 2024 Ambys and is a Best True Crying

nominee at the British Podcast Awards 2024. Ghost Story is now the first ever Apple Podcast Series Essential. Each month, Apple Podcast editors spotlight one series that has captivated listeners with masterful storytelling, creative excellence and a unique creative voice and vision. To recognize Ghost Story being chosen as the first series essential, Wondry has made it ad-free for a limited time only on Apple Podcasts. If you haven't listened yet, head over to Apple Podcasts to hear for yourself. And the important thing to remember about the gem is that you just whisper into it and

then I'll conjure a lightning storm. Unless I'm busy that night, then you can just leave a message on the gem and I'll conjure that thunderstorm just as soon as I can. Unless I'm in another dimension, in which case the faceted aspect of the gem will send the message into a thousand universes and I may misinterpret it and I may end up Transporting you to another realm Okay, so whisper at your own risk yeah, no, I think this is a Wonderful gift. Thank you. Thank you. It also might cause diarrhea. It also might cause diarrhea I forgot that one. This is all because I shrunk it if we'd left it full-size none of this stuff would have

And of course Ricky the three of us will turn around so you can name it or whatever it seems like I should I should name it yeah you're right you don't mind yeah and if and if you don't mind before we turn around just I'll just make it like a good name like make it a fitting name for yeah I've said too much yeah a fitting name for a gem. I have said too much. Yeah, a fitting name for a, yeah, all right. Okay, okay, all right. No, no, no, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. Don't look at me.

Okay, why not, why not? Okay, here we go, all right, okay. I wouldn't, this gem, wait, should I declare it? Do I need to declare it? Use the door, don't turn around, just tell me. I love declaring things, go for it. Okay, very well, all right, I declare this gem, gem, no, oh shit.

Gem, gem, Arnie, are you hearing this? Gem, gem, gem, gem? I don't know, there's something to it. Actually, actually, I kinda like it. Well? I declare. Well? Well, I declare this gem in the holograms.

Wow, that's truly outrageous. Truly, truly outrageous. Is that right? Yeah. Did I do it right? You did great. Are you proud of me? Will you always love me and never leave me? I, yeah, I just met you tonight, but I have always loved you.

Oh. I think she's talking to the gem. Sorry. No, no, no, no, not it's not it's not you It's it's just scary y'all, you know putting your faith in someone and whatnot and I ain't much of a faithful Person, you know lightning storms are pretty frequent, but if I love her that should be enough, right? Yeah, no that no, it's. That's not enough. I should buy her something. What if I got her a bunch of she really wants fairy lights for the wedding so maybe tonight I'll go out and trade this. Maybe I'll go out tonight and I'll find some

fairies to do lights. That's then she'll love me right? Well I don't know if it's about a gift or material things as much as just listening and being there for that other person. And then when that lightning storm comes, transform yourself using your great wizardly powers into a gigantic birthday cake. And then your lover will transform themselves into a finely roasted goose and then the two of you shall make love all night long right honey sure I'd say just grab the fairy lights you sort of got a weird food play thing do y'all do

y'all know where some good fairies are I had a run in with a bad fairy recently and I need to find a good fairy to deal with some lides. You weren't like cursed or anything, were you? No, no, she was trying to get my fingernails, but go ahead. It's dangerous, yeah, it's hard out there. That sounds scary. You know, it's times of war. Yeah, times are tough.

I suppose I could contact Glizbo for you. Glizbo? Glizbo, the good fairy? I'm not familiar with Glizbo, what is? I haven't introduced you guys to Glizbo for you. Glizbo? Glizbo the good fairy? I'm not familiar with Glizbo. What is? I haven't introduced you guys to Glizbo before. Describe Glizbo. Well, a little fairy with wings.

Oh yeah, Glizbo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, Glizbo. You talk about Glizbo all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course I do. That's right, we really an unreleased episode for

the patreon where you just talk about glizbo for 45 minutes straight nobody else is I just talk about it well you talk honestly you talk for 30 to 40 minutes and you just say glizbo knows and then you just go on a litany of what glizbo knows yeah what does name three of them what does does glisbo know? Uh, glisbo knows football. Uh, glisbo knows... American or... Or Funian. Yeah. Or Funian, yeah. American or Funian.

Yeah, I suppose American can. Uh, Merman can. Wait! American can? Arnie, is this true? Um, I don't know. what an American can would look like is can is there a can in America? Probably or maybe There a can in America Well that reminds me if everyone could just be quiet for a moment I need to record something that would I forgot to do earlier in the episode

Yeah Be quiet for a moment, I need to record something that I forgot to do earlier in the episode. Eey-oh! Sorry, I do it. This has been weighing on me all episode. Just had to record a sting. Well, Glyzbo is a very talented little fairy. She can- Two. Yeah, you're on two now. Oh, well, I guess that is, two's talented.

Yeah, sure, Glyzbo knows cognitive behavioral therapy. So, you know, Glyzbo's really the person you want to talk to, I think. You know, he looks around and like a little fairy dust falls off and, you know, twinkles lights, makes lights wherever she goes. If you want a fairy thing done, go to Glyzbo. Go to Glyzbo. Go to Glyzbo. That's good. That's catchy. Go to Glyzbo.

Yeah, she's a real Renaissance fairy. But I don't know if these fairy lights are going to solveluzbo. Go to Gluzbo. That's good. That's catchy. Go to Gluzbo. Yeah, she's a real renaissance fairy. But I don't know if these fairy lights are gonna solve all your problems. No, I... Can I say something, Ricky? Yeah, yeah. Phew! That was a close one. Alright, lay it on me. Go ahead.

Can I say something, Ricky? It's... It seems to me, and you know, I've loved and lost, like Arnie said, and never had a real serious relationship. Not too serious. But it seems to me that when you meet the right person, when you meet, let's call them, the one, you kind of produce your own sparks, right? You produce your own lightning. So wherever you go, when you kiss, when you touch, there is lightning. It may not be visible to the naked eye. It may not be externally around you, but in that kiss, in that touch, in that moment, there is lightning. There is electricity. Shouldn't that be what you're used to? Sorry. There is electricity. It's it's what that be what you're used or sorry I was

Reading this off a sheet of paper. I had written this whole thing down Trent since you've written down. Why don't you just start from the beginning? Well Ricky can I say something? I've Loved and lost like Arnie said never had a real serious relationship not too serious but oh oh the glass spilled over oh the papers ruined yeah but you were talking about how they have their own lightning and I was just going to

add you could describe that as lightning in a bottle. In a bottle. Arnie. What? Lightning in a bottle. Oh, yeah. You know, it's just a matter of, you know, how you want to live your life, Ricky. Like, do you want to be Ricky? Wee!

Or do you want to be Ricky? Wee! Oh, Ricky! Which of those two do you wanna be Ricky, wee, oh Ricky? Which of those two do you wanna be? Well, I wanna be in the show. So, so I think that I'm gonna tap into just what you said, Chunt, just the spark that could be between us. When I take her beautiful, dry, scaly hand

in my fluffy paw, I think I'll feel it. I'll feel it, and I won't need no damn lightning storm. I don't care what my mom and paw say. I don't need no damn lightning storm. That's right. I can do it. I can do it. I am smart. I like my haircuts.

I like my whole house, and I cannot wait. Y'all, I am smart. I like my haircuts. I like my whole house and I cannot wait. Y'all, this was great. This has been wonderful. If we ever need someone to disappear, should we call you? No. Understood. Oh, you said no, but you slid us your card. Thought you might be able to hear my wink.

The card just says, forget this card. Oh, and it just disappeared No, that's good branding. That's useful. You know where to You don't know where to find me I mean, I'll tell you right now you y'all three are invited to the wedding if you want to come Oh, that'd be wonderful. I didn't hear any reaction from the other Yeah, I don't know. I guess they don't want to go. Yeah, we could probably try to make it. No, no, it's all right No tomorrow. I just I've heard a turtle give vows before and it takes a while. It's um What are you two doing tomorrow?

Arnie we have that thing Well Well, this has been real nice y'all tomorrow. Arnie, we have that thing. Well, well, well, this has been real nice, y'all. Ricky, we're so excited for you. And it's totally natural to have, you know, cold feet the night before your wedding. And, you know, who knows if it'll work out, but I bet it will. And if it doesn't, then even still, great. Arnie, you're talking about Ricky's nice, cold naturals? What are you doing?

Yeah, and I mean, if it doesn't work out, then, you know, hopefully, I don't know, hopefully someone can make me forget all about it, right? Use it, Or. I imagine that can be arranged. This idiot cast a spell on himself. I think I've got it now. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, the wonder lost. Oh my god. That was the deepest most sonorous wail I've ever heard. Yeah. It rocked my god. That was the deepest, most sonorous wail I've ever heard. Yeah. It rocked my chair. Well, I think that's probably a good place to end the episode because all's well that ends well. Arnie? That was fucking amazing. Amazing. All's well that ends well. Hmm.

Is there room in the world for all's well that starts meh? How about some things start meh and don't seem to end? I'm going to write an angry letter to someone. Usado the Wizard was played by Cate Blanchett. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Mara Rooney. Wait a minute, that's not us. This is the cast list for Todd Haynes' 2015 Lesbian Longing Fest Carol.

Usado the Wizard was played by Matt Young. That's appropriately disappointing. Chunt the Talking Another Wizard was played by Matt Young. That's appropriately disappointing. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae. Ricky Springfoot was played by special guest Whitney Chitwood. Whitney's short film, Sam Wants Her Sweater Back, parentheses a queer and trans buddy heist comedy, is currently fundraising.

You can visit her Instagram to learn how you can help support this queer-ass Chicago film. Her words, but I was happy to say them. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Jack Spicer, Dark Prince of the Universe. Care for what you wish for, Jack? I've known Dark Universe Princes, it's mostly a lot of paperwork. Ian Rasmussen, Mr. Charles Wayne Weaver Esquire, oh brother, can you represent me in the case of the People versus Lainty Patreon names?

Austin Beard, Ellis Young, Shay F, Ellen Pancake, parentheses, yes that is my real name, close parentheses, and it is an awesome real name, Ellen. Don't let Charles Wayne William Wallace Waldo Weaver tell you otherwise. Jordan Anne. Dameron. Ryan JB. David Brigham.

And Purple Yoda, which is what you get when you leave regular Yoda and Red Kryptonite in the Hulk's pants on laundry day. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode another girls night with flower Momo and Gia Nessa Okay, we love to get fluffed up at this spa. Yeah, let's go. Let's go get some treatments. Yeah, all right Ladies welcome. How do you do? My name is Momo, this is Flower, and this is my friend, Gianessa. We are three gals on this trip and we would like to enjoy the spa, please. Ugh, we're so happy to have you. Everybody just relax. My name is Fawn, if you need anything.

I'm so happy to get you started. What can we do for you today? Hey Fawn, do you need any help out here? Oh, Dawn. Do I need to get the manager manager? Are we good? You might want to grab her. I'm gonna grab her. Swan, do you have a sec?

Fawn and Dawn, how's it going over here? Oh, you're glowing. Did you get a facial tonight? I did, I stuck my face straight in the mud. You look so good. Thank you. You look so young and glowy. My god, what's your secret?

Ageless. Listen, I think we're all having a wonderful time in the spa, but I gotta tell you, I'm a little concerned that some of the crystals have gone missing. Oh my goodness, what? Maybe somebody put them out to recharge them. I'm gonna need all of you to pull your assholes apart. Absolutely, my pleasure to. Here goes. I'll say you can check in the bed later when we all get in it together.

Dare I go so far as to say, those girls have gone wild. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit Patreon.com slash Magic Tavernvern hello from the magic tavern is produced by arnie kneecamp matt young and adil rafai post-production coordination by garrett schultz associate producer anna hoverman this episode edited by garrett schultz hello from the magic tavern logo in a quiet suburb, a community is shattered by the death of a beloved wife and mother. But this tragic loss of life quickly turns into something even darker. Her husband had tried to hire a hitman on the dark web to kill her. And she wasn't the only target. Because buried in the depths of the internet is The Kill List, a cache of chilling documents containing names, photos,

addresses, and specific instructions for people's murders. This podcast is the true story of how I ended up in a race against time to warn those who lives were in danger. And it turns out, convincing a total stranger someone wants them dead is not easy. Follow Kill List on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Kill

List and more Exhibit C Truecrime shows like Morbid early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+. Check out Exhibit C in the Wondry app for all your Truecrime listening.