Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 31 - Sorcererer (w/ Brad Sherwood)

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

This sorcererer (not sorcerer) can fly and has a wide array of unimpressive magic.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiUmlaut: Brad SherwoodMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Saatchi Cole. And I'm Sarah Haggye. And we're the hosts of Scamfluencers, a weekly podcast from Wondery that takes you along the twists and turns of the most infamous scams of all time, the impact on victims, and what's left once the facade falls away. Follow Scamfluencers on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. From the team behind American History Tellers comes a new book, The Hidden History of the White House. Each chapter will bring you inside the fierce power

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Down the road you'll go And before I'm told to cease and desist Sit back, enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast for the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional Rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon and I'm joined as always by my co-host Trump the Talking Badger. Bing-Bong! Hey Arnie, I drew you this picture today. Oh okay. It's you and me and we're holding hands and that's the Sun and those are waves Okay, and those are gremlins crawling all over yeah, and and that's a giant sort of violent There's a lot of there's is all this blood is all the red blood Yeah, it's water and blood because blood is mostly water sure yes, and we're mostly blood so it's a sure It's the circle of life, but I went to school today.

I was bored. And, um, read your pictures. Okay, great. Why did you- you went to school today? Yeah. I was bored. Huh. I should say I went to a school.

Yeah. I've been trying to enroll him for years. Did you not- Chen, did you never go to school before? I mean, I've been to a school, but I haven't, you know, I didn't go to school. You like, you visited schools. I've gone to schools I didn't go to school. I've been to schools I didn't, you know, didn't learn. Sure. Well, I'm glad that you're finally getting some education. Thank you. Yes, I learned how to draw blood and gremlins.

Hmm. Yeah. Got really useful. And, you know, it's kind of fun. If you walk into a school as a badger with confidence, no one says hey you're not supposed to be here, they just pull you up a chair. Yeah, okay. Yeah, well I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard. I am Usador, wizard of the twelfth realm of Ophesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakas. The elves know me as Fianyellic, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Hoogstengis, and I am

known throughout the North-East as Gaswanius Maestar, and I have many other secret names. Oh, that if they were heir to past-mind lips, you most assuredly would die from pure fright. Hey, Usador? Yeah? I painted you this picture. That's you. That's me. We're holding hands.

That's the sun. That's Arnie being eaten by gremlins and that's blood. Okay, that's so fun. Yeah, it's watercolor. So you learned all about gremlins today? Mm-hmm. And the terrible prophecy of gremlins devouring Arnie. Yes.

What's this? Oh, Arnie, like you haven't heard the prophecy of gremlins devouring you like you haven't heard the prophecy of gremlins devouring you I haven't heard the prophecy of oh The prophecy so demure could have sworn I mentioned this. Yeah, so classy Yeah, I came across a prophecy that said an earth man named Arnie shall be devoured by gremlins Huh? Well, that could be anybody. Yeah, that's what I said. Mm-hmm. Wait a minute. Oh Don't look like don't look look but look over there. Is that guy kind of floating up there? No, is there a magic user in the tavern? Yeah sort of flunked. Ah, he might be jumping real fast. Oh, no

That's my friend. I actually brought I brought him here today. I Umlaut come over here, please. Hello. Thought he'd be a good guest. Ah, yes. I wasn't sure even what you looked like. I've not seen you in such a long time. Allow me to introduce myself to the rodent and your other friend. I am Umlaut of Kitchen Door, high crag of the Scottish Archipelagians.

I am a sorcerer with infinite finite powers. As you can see, I am capable of flying as high as a duck. Sorcerer. Arnie, I think he called you a rodent. Well, no, I think that was you. I think that was you, John. Yeah, no, couldn't be. Sorcerer, great sorcerer.

Yes, a sorcerer, no, couldn't be. Sorcerer, great sorcerer! Yes, a sorcerer, one who sorcerers. Oh, okay. Is there a difference between a sorcerer and a sorcerer? Sorcerer is more of a fine-tuned sorcerer. Sorcerer, sorcery itself is sort of, know a large bold wide swath of Slight of hand to actual miracles price right and I sorry I'm Chunt I am a badger right now, but I am a shapeshifter. I have been a duck before you're not necessarily

Floating flying us as high as a duck Well a duck that's standing from the from the floor to the top of a duck's head is the height Which I can achieve maximum altitude. Oh, yeah, but to bill yeah, but comes in handy Yeah, but to bill ducks are about yeah, it's a two and a half inches off the ground. Okay. All right Yeah, that's Well, if they're lying down and their beak is pointing away from their feet and yes I don't know what kind of ducks that are sliding under the door stoop of your home. Did you say your name is spelled C-H-U-N-T?

Yes that is how it's spelled and it is pronounced. I know that the C-H is often like the word the chromatograph is like a hard K is that how you pronounce it? Um, who I really shouldn't. I mean, some people have and I try to correct them. But you know what? For a new friend, go nuts. No, I'm just wondering. I am sort of an etymologist. I cannot how you pronounce it. I just curious, you know, the the birth of it were, of a word. Yeah, well, yeah, it is, in my instance, it is a ch sound.

And I believe that my parents named me Chunt because I was a changeling and I was blunt. So Chunt it is. Yeah, sort of a smash up. You weren't a changeling, that's for sure. Yes, that makes perfect sense to me. Sure. By the way, if you need to know any I did I mentioned that my powers are infinite in number and finite inability You alluded to it. Yes, I'd love to know more about it

Well, I don't want to brag I mean I because they're infinite if I just listed them all you would all be dead by the time I finish That's true. Yeah, not I I Wait, no, I am mortal now. Damn. Um, and I should ask Return the favor. I'm also a bit of a and the mamazes and uh, how what's your how did you get your name? Oh, well um, loud, which is the Scandinavian word for sideways colon I was born with a sideways colon. Oh no. And so medically they figured out that I, in case I was in the medical books, yes.

I pooped sideways for about three years of my childhood. Huh. And Arnie, have we ever told you about Danavia? No. It's a country in the far, far Northwest. And you have to really watch yourself. So they say Scandinavia. Watch those people, watch because you could get in a lot of trouble over there.

So you got to scan, keep your eyes open. There's a whole song about it Arnie, in the Navia. I'm not going to sing it. It's annoying. Please, you could though. I won't. Why? I won't. Go ahead.

Nah. Here I'm drinking. I'm drinking. Can't sing. Drinking. So Umlaut, I see you have an infinite number of powers. Yes. But they're all finite. Yes, finite in that I would say people evaluate powers.

Sure. So people can change into other animals like a sea hunt or or, you know, they can shape-shift and move and turn things into magical precious metals. Most of my... Okay, here's one. I use words that I don't know the meaning of, and I know the definition of words I've never heard before. So if you throw a word at me that I've never heard before, I can actually tell you what it means. And I will also use words and sentences that you might think aren't properly placed there. Also, I can answer your questions before you ask them of me. But if I do, then you are obliged to then ask the actual question. I see. Wow. Someone who changes medals, that's an out-cunt-mist, right?

Yes, not an al-chuh-mist, which is how your parents would pronounce it. I gotta talk to my mom and dad. Can we try the question thing? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I guess we could. Let's see. Oh, I was just gonna ask, could you? Whoa. Albatross oh

I was just going to ask what's for supper Well, that's funny because I'm also a chef and I just cooked up Albatross a la range and it's over there under some cheesecloth on the bar. It looks very delicious I I rendered in gooseberry fat and took the teeth of a local rat that I found gnawing on my cheese larder and killed him and then Made a lovely fricassee. Oh, that sounds delightful. He killed the cheese larder? Yeah, that's a halitross smells delicious. Although hey, there's an ancient mariner by it get away. It's not for you Arnie he's 85 at most.

Ancient? I don't know. That Mariner is ancient. Also how do you spell rhyme, Arnie? Because my parents spell it maybe different how you spell it. I can't spell anything. And au la range? My parents would say au la roange.

Huh. I'll take another answer for 300, Omelette. I was just going to say I never go to to France because they use consonants for no reason whatsoever at the end of every single one of their words. Their T's, their R's, their S's are all invisible acoustically. Oh, did I mention I can turn wood to fire, ice to water, earth to mud, and air to methane. Air to methane, come in methane.

Arnie, um, hey Arnie. Yeah, what is it, Chump? These powers kinda suck, right? Like if you just weave ice out, it melts. They're not the best. I mean, Ysera could kick this guy's ass, right? But here, you gotta keep in mind, he's working in quantity, not quality.

Um, I invoke the right of, uh, Magic Duel. Ooh. This is a right, um, any pub, any tavern, any bar, you can invoke the power of the right of, um, Magic Duel. And two magical creatures have to sort of show their stuff as it were. Oh shit Are you invoking the right with the sorcerer? Yeah. Yeah, so so I invoke the the right of magic duel and it will be used or the wizard Well, actually Arnie Arnie. You know anything. I really know any magic. No are you got this buddy? You got this Arnie versus the sorcerer

Shit, let me say I've never lost a coin toss Okay, heads or tails in what tails? It's tails. Whoa Wow Wow wait Let's do it again. Do it again Justin the best out of three. Okay? Yes, I was just gonna ask kids our tails. Whoa Okay, I it doesn't matter what the coin says, I have to give it to Uma, because that was impressive. Okay. So Uma, you'll go first. Ysidor, you're steeped in magic. What would be, what's like a good opening sort of gauntlet, like what's a, what's a good sort of opening trick or test? Deep in mind, I know almost no magic Okay, Arnie you're being so You are you goof you're well, I would say one of

To give Arnie a leg up here. Why don't you pull that? Tablecloth off of that table without knocking anything off of it Okay, so you both have to at some point pull the tablecloth off the table without knocking anything over. Uh, Umlaut, since you won the coin toss by guessing I was going to toss the coin, you can choose to go first or second. I... I will go, um... Sss... I will go first. Oh, alright. Alright.

I've done this before and it's quite easy when you can hover exactly one dock height above the ground. Pfft. I have much better leverage than those of you earthbound folk. Yeah, that makes sense. He looks like what I look like in my dreams. OK, he's grabbing the edges. Clear advantage for that duck. Oh, but he can't really get with his feet not touching the ground.

He can't really get any sort of any torque. Yes. Oh, whoa. Wow. Perfect. Very well done. And I managed to get some of the wine from the goblet onto the duck. Oh. Perfect.

He did the trick and he's already cooking. Arnie, step it up. That's impressive. Okay. Alright, so wait, the cloth is already off though, so- Oh, I'll just magic another one on There you go, oh never heard a spell ended in R Okay, alright, so he had such an advantage at being a duck height

Above the ground so I'll just pull this this ducky prepared wait Arnie put it on the floor, I'll stand on it. We're gonna eat that. All right, and pull the cloth. Ah! Shit! Whoa, he somehow ripped his own jeans off, Arnie. Oh! Ah! You didn't even touch the tablecloth,

you just ripped off your pants. Okay, all right, so I think I lost that round. Nope, it's a tie, actually. Really? Yeah. Arnie, I think we lost that round. Nope, it's a tie actually. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Arnie, I think we should take a quick break while you put on a new pair of pants.

This is embarrassing, Umlaut. I'm so sorry. Please forgive my friend. I hope you can forgive us. This is all right. I am a man of many mediocre skills. I am not one to judge anyone, for people have judged me my entire life.

Luckily, I will never grow old, so. Oh. Yes. Well, that's good. I'd love to hear more about not growing old right after this break. Richard Bandler revolutionized the world of self-help all thanks to an approach he developed called neuro-linguistic programming.

Even though NLP worked for some, its methods have been criticized for being dangerous in the wrong hands. Throw in Richard's dark past as a cocaine addict and murder suspect, and you can't help but wonder what his true intentions were. I'm Saatchi Cole. And I'm Sarah Haggye. And we're the hosts of Scamfluencers, a weekly podcast from Wondery that takes you along

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ad-free for a limited time, only on Apple Podcasts. If you haven't listened yet, head over to Apple Podcasts to hear for yourself. So Umlaut, you mentioned that you're, you've been judged by people your whole life. What led you to get into being a sorcerer? I guess I don't know, like are sorcerers made or born? Well, I was a, I was a sorcerer's apprentice's apprentice, apprentice. And worked my way up to a sorcerer's apprentice. And then became a sorcerer, and then became a sorcerer-er. I'm not good enough to be a sorcerer-er.

Because that's... Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a very, it's a very unique class of magic user. It's, as Umlaut has mentioned, very broad but not very deep. Kind of a jack of all trades. Yes. If all the trades were, I don't know, like tying shoes and stuff like that, I don't know.

Well, I've won a lot of money on coin tosses in my life. Helped supplement my income, as it were. Yeah, but that streak's gotta come to an end. I'll bet you a hundred gold coins you can't guess the flip of this coin. Alright. Alright. Call it. Tails. How's tails?

It's always tails for some reason. Yeah. There's a hundred gold. Thank you. That'll pay for the albatross. Okay, but this streak has to come to an end. I'll bet you another hundred gold That if we flip this coin, you can't guess it. I'm gonna use it or no You got a double or nothing. You're right double or nothing 200. All right, I'm gonna flip it. Oh, there we go It's heads. It was heads Damn, please. I will give you 100 of your gold pieces back to not throw any more money away towards me.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, you're still up two hundred though. You sort of end up spending almost all of his money every episode. It's really frustrating. Well, you know, they say a fool and his money are soon parted, and I like to think that I'm getting out ahead of that by getting rid of my money before someone thinks I'm foolish. Hmm. Yeah, Arnie and I talked. We think you come from money. Sounds like preemptive penury to me. So Umlaut, when you were a sorcerer's apprentice's apprentice's apprentice, how are these sorcerer's apprentice a wonder. It's mostly mucking stables and putting ointment on the scrotums of the equine in the barns. Damn jealous.

So it's not all bad. No, it's not all bad. Yes. Sort of highs and lows as it were, you know, but considering I was born with a sideways sphincter, I feel like I've really made something of myself. Oh, wow, that is impressive. I hate to bring it up, Chunt. I know it's not my business, it's your business, but Chunt's had a rash on his cute little hiney lately.

Is there anything you could do about that? Well, I mean, I could always whip up a poultice. I could perhaps use some of the rendered rat fat that I used for the albatross that I brought in. I could perhaps use some of the rendered rat fat that I used for the albatross that I brought in. We could make that and some fennel, of course, with a little sprig of nutmeg paste. And if anyone has any expectorated mucus from their nostrils, it would act as a binder my nose is as arid as the Sahara so I cannot

Muster up as it were must be someone could hark one In into my I can not only work one I can work to I haven't I have a whole jar upstairs. We need more. Oh, you're a saver, are you? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I got all sorts of crazy crap up there. I wish I had the ability to save my Horx and Mukeye. It would really make for much better poultices. I always have to find some sort of unction or balm or salve, and those are not always easy to find.

Now, Umlaut, um, is- Sav and those are not always easy to find now um what? I noticed you took something out of your satchel and you're smacking it or spanking it is that mint Yes, this is a sprig of mint. I do that to just slightly Make a sort of an antiseptic upon my fingers before I mix the poultice which I'm going to be applying And and some honey. I'm a bit of a layperson, apiarian, keeper of bees, as it were. Oh, wow. You know, bees have the sweetest vomit of all creatures on this planet. Really?

Wait, it's their vomit we're eating? Yes, and the clownfish in the ocean has the treakliest, sweetest of all the Biles. Hmm. Wow, you'd never know. You know what that reminds me. Their poop. What about poop? Their poop, Bile.

Their poop is sweet, sweet, almost as sweet as honey. Huh. Must be all those pies in the face. Yes, but you have to taste it not in the ocean, the saltiness the ocean really cuts into the the sweetness of the cloud and fish. Poops. Wow, I didn't know you're such an epicurean like you are really yes, look at him go. He's really working that he's basting the

duck at the same time he's making the post. Wow, I'm not much of an epicurean but I am epicurious. So I'm really enjoying all of this. It is quite a journey, I will say. Do we have any I don't want to be greedy, but just all this spanking of mint has made me so hungry. Are there any sides, Umlaut? Well, yes, they're in my satchel that I left by the door. I wasn't sure if I would be checked. Yes, I have some parsnips if I would be checked. Yes, I have some parsnips braised with onions and leeks and pigeon urine. And I have a bag of snails. Still alive. Do you mind if I ask what is the flavor profile of the pigeon urine?

Well, it's not sweet like a clownfish poo or an e-vomit. But but it I would say it's somewhere between a rutabaga and cayenne pepper Arnie I don't want to blow your mind right now but you've actually had pigeon urine I didn't want to scare you off when I made it so I call it squab piss and you couldn't get enough squab piss just by changing the name you really took to it. Oh, I'm just a big Squab fan. Now, all this bee talk has got me thinking. We don't really try enough vomit.

You know, we're saying that bees have the sweetest vomit. I don't mean to be contrarian. Oh, but how do we know they have the sweetest vomit? Are we trying enough vomit? That's my new goal. Well, you know, I hate to be a contrarian myself, but you made a declarative statement saying, none of us try the vomit.

I have to say, au contraire, my friend. I have traveled the world from pole to pole, from the equator to the cold nipples of the north and the south, and I have tasted almost every vulnment, sometimes for survival, sometimes just for epicurean curiosity. And it's not always easy. Yes, there will be a snow fox that leaves its cack right there

after trying to eat a penguin. But sometimes you have to wrestle a creature to the ground and work its epiglottis with your fingers to get at the sweet nectar of its tummy. Yeah, so when you see an animal you're like fuck I haven't had that animals vomit. I gotta get in there. Well, I don't use all the profanity that some people use. Yeah, Arnie really get it together. What the fuck dude? Sorry, do you say fudge? That's how his parents would say it. Fudge. Oh wait. Yeah. That's what my parents

did. What the fudge are you doing? Where the fudge have you been? I pay close attention. I'm a man for details. I have an infinite number of days to do my infinite but finite powers. I told you I will never grow old. I have a special power that I can cast a little youth spell at the end of every day and that youth spell allows me to be the age I was the day before. Oh. Sadly I did not find out this power until I was four score and four. Yeah. No way to figure out how much that is. Wait, so it makes you the age you were the day before. So if you're going to bed at night, you wake up the same age you woke up the morning in the morning that same day?

Well, I age a day and then it's like setting my biological clock back one day and then I live that day. So I'm stuck on this day. Sadly, I did not know I had this power until yes, the age of four score and four. Wow, it's a real Circavian Swamp Hogs Day situation. Arnie, have we ever told you about Circavian Swamp Hogs Day? No, sounds like almost a genre unto itself. If a Circavian Swamp Hog comes out of its swamp

and eats a shadow, I don't know the rest of it. Run. If he comes out of the swamp and he eats a shadow. I don't know the rest of it. Run. If he comes out of the swamp and he eats a shadow, the ice queen arises and creates another ice age. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you don't want that.

I hate to interrupt, but a circadian swamp hog's vomit tastes like garlic. Wow. Well, see, that one that rank's got to rank pretty high. It's still not as good as honey, but... It's one of the only vomits you will ever want to put over pasta. Okay, great. Wait, look at that.

Umlaut just bent over the duck to glaze it again, and look at the metal around his neck. It slipped out. Mr. Scarf Barf? First place? Well, I usually keep that tucked in. I don't like to wear my achievements and accomplishments on shiny shelves or on my breastplate. But yes, I was Mr. Barfscarf. Wow, I've never met a Mr. Barfscarf. Arnie, Mr. Barfscarf is like the biggest deal.

Huh, I've never heard of it. Well, it's an eating competition. It's held annually on a little island, uh, Connie Island, and people come from all over food to compete, um, to see who can eat the most barf. Hmm. Jimmy Walnut was doing great for a long time, and then, uh, he finally had to pass, and, uh... Pass away?

No, he just... someone gave him some food, and he was like, No, thank you. Mm-hmm. I'll pass. So, is a barf eating competition, I can imagine there just have to be a lot of complicating factors to a competition like that. You know, I, on a wager, as it were, a man who owed me a huge fortune from coin toss wageries, to try and earn it back.

He asked me to enter the barf scarf, or scarf a barf, depending on where you're from, they call it both things. Some people put the adjective before the noun, and either way, they both can be a noun. One is a beautiful thing to wrap around your neck when you're cold. Anyway, I digress.

So I only entered it once. I don't enjoy the barf for quantity. I enjoy the many myriad of the prism, as it were, of colors and flavors that come from the wild kingdom. From sea to shore to sky. You're like, this is just too much barf. Yes. Too much of a good thing. Yes.

Now see, Arnie, you and Shunt have really zoned in on this barf thing. I was really zoned in on the, I can stay the same age forever thing. That seems like super useful and maybe we should learn that. There's creams for that. No? The wisdom of a wizard is always going to outdo that of a mispronounced rodent. I'm sorry, it's Badgerow. Hey, fuck you. All right.

And now, now, now, Umlaut, I understand where you're coming from, but I don't believe Arnie and Chunt always think of me as a wise sort of character. They are mistaken, of course. I'm one of the greatest and most powerful wizards in all of Foon. And someday I shall step up and I'm one of the greatest and most powerful wizards in all of food and someday I shall step up and I shall defeat those other wizards who have taken such a dark turn

And I shall make sure food is safe for all the little children and all of the peoples and he goes on I'll say that you said oh, I did Deliver us from evil I'm impressed that he actually manages to keep doing that monologue when he walks off to urinate in the lavatory. I know, it is impressive. Sorry, I'll be right back. Someone walked in on him there once, and ever since then he has the monologue every time

he's in the bathroom. I think he also makes a really weird noise when he pees. Oh, oh, I guess it would be to cover it acoustically. Yes, well, believe me, I've made sounds. I mentioned several times my sideways sphincter. Yeah, that's right. So when you say it, and you know, I feel like normally I would have jumped on

that question immediately, but I'm gonna, I've waited about halfway through the episode to sort of ask this. The sideways sphincter, was it on the side of your body or was it just tilted sideways in the normal spot? Let's just say it was sideways in the crevasse. Let's say you are up on a glacier and normally where you'd put the ladder to not fall into the crevasse is going the different direction and at a different angle I see so it's always a rim shot basically

So let's say if you had to do your business in an emergency out somewhere in the field You would possibly just sort of squat You know spread your legs and down everything would go. Well, mine would not go down. It would go more at a sort of a 40 degree angle upward into the air. Oh, God. Yes. And we should say, just because you both have something in common, which is unique defecation, Arnie poops standing up. I on occasion poop standing up. It's just a thing. It's just a thing of mine Convenience well, I mean you need to break into a sprint. I guess yes It was it was impossible for me to aim at anything back then you know in my early baby years

Especially when it was shooting up past behind me over my head Can I ask this is a weird transition, but can I ask, Umlaut, what are sorcerer circles, social circles like? Well, sorcerer circles are, well, I think that sorcerers are like everyone else in their own way. Some of them are bitter. I like to describe them as holes surrounded by ass. I like to describe them as holes surrounded by ass. And then there's others who are very compelling and don't brag too much about their skills or lack thereof. I would say I have a very diverse set of skills, though they tend to be finite and middling,

as it were. But I don't care that I'm not going to be an amazing sorcerer But others, you know need to make the best out of their one thing and talk about it all the time That's why I wear my barf and scarf medallion down Under my doublet. Yeah, it doesn't define you. It's not all now you are So I'm back. You guys, you didn't hear me in there, did you? What's this?

You didn't hear what I did in there. Where were you? Nothing, don't worry about it. Look, I just wondered, I couldn't help but wonder, you have these infinite, but yet finite skills. Has anyone ever kidnapped your daughter? have these infinite, but yet finite skills. Has anyone ever kidnapped your daughter? Well, I have four children actually.

Yes, Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Tim. Okay. Tim, Tim is the last one. Tim, yes. How do you spell that? T-H-Y-M-E. Yeah, Tim. Okay. Does. Tim is the last one. Tim. Yes. How do you spell that? T-H-Y-M-E. Yeah, Tim. Okay. Does that make sense?

Yeah, that's what my parents would say. They'd say, you're home. It's about Tim. And I'd be like, what about Tim? And you're like, your uncle Tim, he passed away. Oh, it's always about Tim. Yeah. It is about Tim. So have any of your children ever been abducted?

I just wondered with your specific set of skills. Oh, you mean to hostage and make me use my skills for the purpose of their nefarious needs? Yeah, just curious. There was a time that someone thought that I might be able to steal something for them that required someone to not leave any footprints going across the courtyard of a palace and because I can you know hover fly fly people call it hovering but it's flying okay okay I'm just okay I am a little bitter from time to time that people judging so much at least you're not getting bitterer mm-hmm that's true you

sir I gotta say I'm really proud of you today Because typically anytime you just say sorcerer it comes out So I'm just really proud that you're not you're looking at me like something you didn't know joke day The way I speak is perfectly clear when I say sorcerer That you know that I'm starting with a sorcer then you know that I'm talking about a sorcerer. When I'm talking about a sorcerer, you know what I'm talking about. Absolutely. Let's take a quick break.

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Out of nowhere there there it was. Sudden, shocking, terrifying. I have never in my life felt fear like that. Was this someone's idea of a sick prank or was it a horror movie come horribly alive? I'm thinking he killed him and he had filmed the murder. I'm Keith Morrison and this is Dateline's newest podcast, The Man in the Black Mask. Listen for free each week or unlock new episodes early and enjoy ad-free listening by subscribing to Dateline Premium on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or datelinepremium.com. So, Umlaut.

Yes. Yes. So, Umlaut, um... Yes? Yes? Always the sorcerer, never the sorcerer. Is there a way for you to sort of, um, how do I put this politely, is there a way for you to achieve sorcererness? To drop the, to drop the Rs? Because my powers are finite, uh, let's say there's just not enough special sauce.

I am sort of in the mortal realm as opposed to, you know, half man, half god. What are those called? What are those called? Oh, demigods? Demigods. I'm never going to be a demigod. I'm just going to be a mortal who can, you know, fly a duck's height above the ground, the terra firma, and all these other wonderful things.

Like I said, I can turn wood to fire. Oh, I wanted to ask about that. I'd love to learn how you do that. Well, I, uh, I take a piece of wood and, uh... Write this down. Yes. It requires several things. I can either take it somewhere where there's already fire... Smart. Oh, smart. ...and then hold it there for a little while.

Patience is a virtue when this is, because it does, it's not instantly going to be fire. And then fire. And is there some sort of incantation that goes along with that, or you just hold it there? Just patience, it's just patience. I could make up an incantation to impress the people around me.

Even more so if they can't see the actual fire I'm holding the stick to like it's behind a wall right and it's really impressive so you sometimes you should impress people by doing things behind a wall sometimes you need favors and if they think you have special skills other than guessing a coin and flying you know a foot and a boot above the ground, then, uh... You know, you do it. I live hand to mouth to vomit, you know. Mm-hmm. That reminds me. Uh, I'm gonna flip this coin. Call it. Hits. Damn it. There's another hundred gold.

No, you don't have to pay me. It makes me sad to even power someone who's a wizard. Wizard, stop giving away your money. It's not right. I will have money. The resources come to me like a river. They start at one end and wherever I stand, something will be scooped up into my bounty. Whether it be a fish, whether it be a crab,

whether it be a rabbit who was drowned upriver. I will always have something. I don't need your wizardly money. I am a mild and humble sorcerer on a new shadow puppets you do shadow puppets Yes, I forgot to tell you that I do show show show show here. Let me let me blow out some candles I'll start off slow just with one this one sort of rudimentary I if we could just if you could turn the mirror of the little candle sconce towards my hand and I'll hold it up toward the wall behind us.

And this one I call Medusa strangling a python on the back of an elephant. Here we go. Wow! Whoa! Look at that. Python on the back of an elephant here we go Wow The fangs are very detailed I think Everyone shut up. We're watching shadow puppets Sorry, I learned that when I was a sorcerer

Apprentice Sorry, they're making so much noise in the bar. Just made me angry. Yes, I can concentrate even with the Noisiest of people in the urinals Where was that about me? Nothing? No, no, no, he's no no no no different different You're no cuz I the noises I make the urinal very normal Yeah, believe me no one has to defend themselves about elementary sounds, okay? Okay, would you like another shadow puppet? Yes, sure, I'd love to.

I feel like I've lulled you all into a state of narcoleptic splendor. Maybe it's just the mead. Alright, this next one, again, this one's sort of rudimentary. And Umlaut? And Umlaut? Yes? Do the voices. The voices? Alright, well, okay. I guess I have to figure out what the voice of a trebuchet sounds like.

Alright. Okay, I will do the Etruscans moving their trebuchet up to a fiery volcano to kill the Perseus mammoths. Here we go. Trebuchet. Here we go. Alright. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe.

Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe.

Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. Trabushe. This is more detailed and sort of vivacious than what you see in real life with your naked eye. This is incredible.

Yeah, well, you know, it's one of my skills. I have some horrible arthritis and very long fingernails, and that gives me a very huge shadow puppet vocabulary. Oh, yeah, now that I'm looking, your hands are kind of just constantly in the shape of a trebuchet and a Medusa riding an elephant. That's why I said these were the rudimentary ones. Yeah. Here's one. This one's a little bit more difficult.

And... a bunny rabbit. Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. Is that the same bunny rabbit that was drowned in the river? Drowned? Well, I mean, I don't know. I... I assume that that bunny rabbit had a horrible calamity. He had

Ran ran afoul of the bunny mafia. Well, let's just say one of his ears had been sliced and his trachea Had been perforated and I know that None of his actual Smaller enemies would have been able to create those kind of wounds, right? Right, right must have been a bigger enemy the buddy must have like dressed up as like a woman And tricked a hunter something. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes and like Like move like use its hand under its hair to be like What are you talking about? This is we couldn't possibly know that information

Sorry about that um,at, should we? I am so sorry, this duck, Alarange, has been, or as my parents would say, Olorange. This duck smells so good. Do you mind if we kind of, um, tuck in? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Can we eat this duck right now? Is it duck season? There are several seasons. Some people, if you want to argue, because it is the year of the Lapos, would say that it is rabbit season. I'm pretty sure it's duck season.

Well, it's, you know, some people say mallard and Drake. Other people say hare and jackrabbit season. I don't know. Some people say wabbit season. What are you talking about? Ernie, who says that? Some people. say wabbits, he's like. What are you talking about? Who says that? Some people. My parents, yeah, my parents do, I guess. If they only killed a wabbit. Yeah, you're right.

A sorcerer's apprentice that I worked with long ago had a bit of a cleft palate where his undertongue was attached to his uvula. And so he had a hard time saying the letter R and it would come out in a W. So I can concur and I completely sympathize with your pronunciation of rabbit. Wow. And Umat, what would he call you?

Not your name, but your sort of status, your sort of magical title. He was one as well. He would call himself a sorcerer. That's what I'm looking at. Yes. And before that we get that do we get that? Before that I was a sorcerer. Because with each ascension towards sorcerer you lose a world. Oh, I see right. Yeah, that makes sense So you said you have four kids. Is there a special someone in your life?

Like do you have a I don't know like a wife or I do I do My wife also where she has true magic powers. My wife is an actual Card carrying which they're forced in our region to carry a car Not that she wants to but you know, you have your card, which card, if you're asked for it. Which card? Yes, and she has many powers. Many powers.

I'm not jealous because I get to take advantage of being married to a witch. What are some of your wife's powers? Well, she has the power to ruin a man's life. And she often does. And luckily, I am not that man. She is very sweet to me, but she has ruined the lives of many men who cast aspersions upon her or insinuated that she was in fact flammable, and so on and so on. Well, good for her then. If they assume she's farmable or in some other way try to disrespect her,

she has every right to fight back. How dare they make her carry a card? Why can't she just be like all the rest of us? I shall go forth and I shall fight for witch's rights from this moment on. He's gotta use the restroom again, I think. I gotta go to the, I gotta go. He's off to the lab. Yes, I've heard it before.

When he goes to the bathroom, his pee screams. That's all it is. It's like screaming. Yes, it is. Yeah, that's all it is. But don't tell him I told you, like that's just don't tell him. Like I said, I never judge anyone with any type of dysfunction of their alimentary canals when I was a child my sphincter whistled like an a balloon being pinched with a lot of air coming

out but I heard him once and I came running in and I was like what's going I thought he was like passing a stone But it was this it was his pee, but yeah Arnie what is what's your weird? What's your weird Piccadillo? What's we all have we all have weird penis or piss what's this Piccadillo's? We all when we go number one or number two or number three through eight. We all have little piccadillo's what's yours? Um, I mean my digestive system isn't great. I don't have any interesting versions of it. Uh, just not the best. Just a mess all the time. I'm a little confused. May I interject?

Of course. Is a picadillo, is that a cross between a picador at a bullfight in Spain and an armadillo? Yeah, you know him? I was just curious. The etymologist in me came flying out. Yeah, so yeah, it is a portmanteau, or as my parents say, a portmanteau. But yeah, armadillos are one of the most promiscuous animals, so they breed nonstop with, and they're creating all kinds of different, you know, all kinds of different sort of concoctions.

There's new species made every day because these armadillos can't stop fucking. And their vomit tastes like fennel and orange grind. Ooh, I would say star anise, but I think we're saying the same thing. I think I have turned someone into a bit of a vomit epicure. I guess so. I heard fennel is good for salt burn. And sorry, I say star anise. My parents say star anise, but you say potato. I say star anise.

Well, Umlaut, now would we be able to taste the duck? I mean, it's just so. Yes, you've been so fixated on the duck since I was working on that during the magic of the pulling the tablecloth that we've completely neglected the albatross that I prepared and it's probably too cold to really... It's such a tough gamey bird that if you don't eat it hot out of the kiln It's uh, you know not gonna cook well cut well nerds Well, it looked at I mean at some point when you first started cooking it looked So tender like the bones were literally falling off the meat

Yes. Yes I like to put the bones on the outside of the carcass once I serve it so that the villains can in fact fall off The meat because it seems too confusing if the meat falls off the bones. Which is, it's a, it's an old French technique I learned when I was in France working under the great sorcerer Jean Claude Pierre Lue Jean Zompert. Ooh, that's very impressive. Yes. I'm gonna write this down in case I ever meet him and study under him. Could you... that name one more time? Jean Claude-Loup-Jean-Jacques-Loup-Batter.

I say it different every time, because he doesn't want anyone to actually know his name perfectly. It's a bit of a mystery. It's like one of those little puzzles where you turn the rings and the symbols will open. The Egyptians had them. Oh yes. Yeah, well it's like, it's sort of like my friend Jenny Sequa. She just has a little something to her. Yeah. Yeah. Arnie, have I introduced you to Jenny Sequa?

I don't think so. She's just a little bundle of joy. She's a baby, but she's a talking baby, and there's a difference. Yeah. Look who's talking. May I ask what it is about her that you like so much? I feel like it's lost in translation. I feel like there's just something... This sort of like, air about her... It's almost like her personality is hovering two inches off the floor.

Um, no offense, but it's just like she sort of glows and she just, you know... She finds everyone so interesting and that's interesting to me, so... She has a certain something. Maybe the magic is in your inability to verbalize what it is about her that you find so alluring. No, I think it's her. I think it's something in her bones or blood. I know it's lost in translation, but last time you visited her, I heard you whispered something in her ear. Not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. Okay. Umlaut, our time is drawing to a close, but I must know, can you share the spell that keeps you young every day?

Well, it's, it's, it's not that there's anything magical. It's not redeemable, as it were. If I gave you the words, the incantation, it would not be something transferable onto you with your abilities. It's in my finite powers. I mean, had I learned about this when I was in my 20s, I would have started then and I would have been much younger than I am now being 4 score 4. I mean, come on. Well, I don't blame you. I'm 350 years old, so I know where you're coming from. Now, I have to ask, do you think I got a shot? Do you think if I just like,

if I got to the end of the day and about to go to bed and I just sort of like gave myself a plucky smile and thought, you're just as young as you feel. Well, I would think you being an actual wizard, I'm happy to give you the words, because if anyone can turn magic into magic that's micro magic and not so impressive and make it something special, I would think that you, a wizard, could. I feel like I'm talking to a master chef and I'm just giving you the ingredients for gruel, but here we go. If you want them, I'm happy to pass them on.

I mean, you never know. I'm always learning, I'm always growing. I'm not finished. I'm still on the journey of my life. So if I can learn something from you, what a wonderful gift. I will say it, I have noticed, Ysidor, in the last half year or so, every day you've looked much worse than the day before. Have noticed the usador in the last half year or so every day you've looked Much worse what than the day before you think I'm aging rapidly now I don't know if it's aging or what but just there's some every day. I'm like what happened to him today

Shut are you what where you agreeing with this? I understand getting defensive you have varicose veins in your neck I mean, it's bad. Well, you know, it's been a stressful time. Sure. There's an animal war and there's a wizard war and... Who wore it best? Boy. So...

I hear what you're saying and... Umlots, I beseech thee, I need your magic. Please share this wisdom with me and I shall do my best to incorporate it into my known life. It's a simple three word Latin incantation. Latin seems to work really great.

I don't know why. It's simple, it's carpe Faucium Lepus. Carpe Faucium Laisos. Lepus. Lepus. Carpe. Carpe. Do you need to write this down? Let me write it down. Maybe get some charcoal and tattoo it into your forearm perhaps. Okay. Maybe like phonetically? Can you say it phonetically? Halibut.

Have you ever learned Ysidor? Have you ever learned a spell before? Why is it so hard for you? What are you talking about? I've learned thousands of spells. I know! They always sound fucking made up. Gaelic Lictic Karma! Erotulothron! Ephedra! Ta ta ta ta!

Have you been saying any of these spells correctly? Of course I'm saying them correctly. I know all of my magic spells. What's the one that you just learned? What is the one you just learned? Uh, it started with um... Tfuh. Cripple... Oomla, thank you so much for being here today. It started with them Um, thank you so much for being here today You have been just so humble so gracious

such a wonderful sorcerer and dare I say Maybe the best magic user I've ever met and as a gift as as as a gift from us to you Arnie can you hand me that pouch over there sure yeah? Excuse me and Arnie can you? Can you say something like silly or dumb? Just anything just like knock knock like one of your jokes you do sure Knock knock

What have you? Here Arnie, why don't you add to it? Oh, well why don't you say something Chunt? Why don't you say something Chunt? Here use the dark What should I say to make myself throw up? He's gonna make him say he didn't or just think about when I say who wore it best that seemed to really upset you There you go and time the ribbon on it boom lot this is our gift to you a satchel a bullion base of different

Stomach bile from a badger a wizard and a time traveler I'm going to save this I I don't know when or where I shall open this up like a fine chablis that has been aged in a cask in the bottom of the ocean and a pirate ship that was attacked by a kraken but someday I shall taste and savor this and think of you three and think of what a fine evening this was in this inn, this tavern, speaking so much about our effluvium and Biles. Yeah, it was a good conversation. Since your feet don't touch the ground, and I haven't really seen you propel yourself, do you need me to give you like a little shove like to get some of that? You weren't paying attention. I have touched the ground. I'm not in perpetual

hovelation. Oh, sorry. Yes. No, that's all right. It's hard for you to see the floor from your booster chair. So I understand that that's a bad angle with these wide tables. But yes, I do move so lightily that it looks as if I'm on casters or perhaps hovering at all times. Part of the sorcery was taking ballet classes. So I have a very good core. But yes. You sorry ever take ballet for your magic? Yeah, you've got to be live if you want to cast spells you got it You got to be able to move didn't really answer my question Carpe Falsium Lapeau's

Carpe Falsium Lapeau's Okay, he's not gonna get it. I got it. Okay. He gets one day. He'll get one day He's not gonna remember that tomorrow. You will wake up and feel as young as the day before. Great. And forever after if it works. Uh... Yeah, I lost it. Yeah.

No. Oh, sun setting. You're sun setting. Maybe if you translate. It translates to seize the rabbit's throat. Oh. Okay. Yeah, I can remember that for sure. I know, I know what you're thinking, but this really is unscripted. I'll give you a moment to collect your jaw from the floor. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Abel Rafai. Umlaut the Sorcerer was played by special guest Brad Sherwood from Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Ta bisque. Stefano Boltecchiano, Josh Hewitt, and Brant Dudziak. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. And since you've been good today, you don't have to listen to a clip. You're welcome. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

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