Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 32 - Micronomo (w/ Eric Muller)

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

Micronomo is a strange wooden man with a small secret inside him.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiMichronomo: Eric MullerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And that thermostat is about to rise even further because it's time to sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Darnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift.

And I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host Chunt the Talking Badger. Chunt please, ass always. Is that what you said? What's this? You said you're joined ass always? Ass always.

Oh, you know what? I am going to start saying that. I'm joined to ask always ass always oh? You know what I'm gonna start saying that I'm joined ass always But my good butt Mmm, Chuck the top you know what actually I'll take it. I'm sorry to do this to you, Chuck We're gonna start the shirt over hello from the magic Tavern a weekly podcast from the magical land of food I'm your host on the camera. You've never listened the podcast before is everything you need to know nine and a half years ago I fell through dimensional portal behind a birthing in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift. And then you set to upload a podcast right here in the tavern. The wander lost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined as always by my good butt, John the Talking Badger. Worth it. Worth it. I'll probably cut that first part off so that we just start with the gold. Yeah sort of a What did you say? It was called a circumcision? Mm-hmm. Yeah cut the cut that first part off as well Do you think is a good idea for me to go back and delete every episode before this one as well like literally? That's where we start Yeah, I think so might as well by the way Congratulations, Chunt on another successful Chunt for Red October. Thank you. I don't remember anything about what happened

Maybe I had a few too many drinks. Yeah, I'm not saying that because we haven't recorded it yet, but Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you so much Arnie. It was tough because With all this warring going on with the animals, you know, everyone is so negative There's so much war happening. But you know, I'm glad the theme was this year. Hey Be positive and I feel like that really I feel like we helped out a lot of wounded Animals and of course vampires and what not and listener dear listener Don't worry. You haven't drunk too much.

And that's why you've forgotten about the Jump for Red October episode. This year, as an exciting bonus, it's just available on Patreon. Mm-hmm. So if you're not yet a member of the Magic Tavern Patreon Society, go over to patreon.com slash magic tavern

and get your red October on. Yeah. I'm just spinning the greatest phrases ever so far this episode. I think so Taking the straw turning it into gold as you said someone on earth once did now Arnie You mentioned that your blood type is you were a universal donger? Mm-hmm. That's true. I'm a universal Donger. Interesting. I'm also gonna add that, I'm sorry to do this. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast on the magical land of food.

I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. You've never listened to the podcast before. This is everything you need to know. Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal

from the dimensional riff, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost Hosted by me the universal Donger Arnie knee camp and I'm joined as always By my good butt Trump the talking badger. How you doing, buddy? The whole shebang the whole shebang shebang shebang Arnie shebang shebang baby You got it speaking of she banging sheanging, shabang, shabangs, my other cohost, Usador the Blue.

I am Usador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakas. The elves know me as Fearing Alec, the dwarves know me as Zodin and Hookstengis, and I am known throughout the north east as gasminious may star and

let the goddesses know and let the angels sing and let the heavens Ope and let Arnie know people don't tune into this show to hear that intro that much did someone bump into you during That speech right there. He said what happens? Oh Bartender may I have a large serving of water and another large serving of oil You saw you throwing your voice. I wish I Have a interested in it. Thank you. Mmm, they both look equally delicious.

They're equally delicious. That's kind of fun. Little loud guy over at the bar. Awkward gentleman over there at the bar speaking very loudly. That's sort of my deal. Moving so stiltedly. Ah, just pull this chair out here. Oh, why? How would you announce that and then do it so poorly?

Ah, it is good to release tension on the legs. That's true. Why is he putting that chair on his head though? To release tension in your legs. If you sit too long, it puts tension on your legs. So you got to put the chair on your head sometimes. Friend, why don't you turn that frown upside down and put that chair under your derriere and have a seat and be our guest?

W-what? Me? Uh, why, I do look like a person you would invite to have, uh, meet you at your table as an equally sized person. That's exactly what I was thinking. And you know when you say equally sized, you're quite tall, you're about the same height as me. I, as some of our listeners might know, I'm six foot four. Which is an extremely common height for a human to be. Sure, I guess so.

Well Arnie, you're downplaying it. You subtle, you subtle buffoon. You are six foot four and made of muscle. Oh, thank you. But what is your job? how do you make a living well I'm a don I'm a universal donger I think yeah like that brings in the most money and then I guess well we do this podcast which again if you don't mind being a guest on it's sort of like it well how to explain it it's sort of like......theater......theater for the ears? Theater for the ears?

And this is a common thing that humans do. So I, of course, will partake. Ooh, perfect. Got the chair under his butt. Good job. Yes, thank you. And... ...Mr. Bisk, nice to see you as well. Excuse me? Yes, nice to see you, Dick Bisk.

Ah, oh well, I'm known to the gnomes as Dick Pisk, but I am Usador the Blue, one of the greatest wizards in all of Fom. You as a human certainly don't need to call me by such a nomenclature. Yes, I wouldn't use nomenclature, would I? I would use humanclature. I'm sorry, Oosidor. So, friend, what is your name? I am Micronimo Goodgear, the human man. I'm so sorry. I wasn't sure how much of that was your name and how much of that was you struggling to say it. What was your name again?

Micronimo. I'm Micronimo Goodgear. Micronimo Goodgear. Micronimo. Micronimo Goodear. Micronimo Goodear? Micronimo. Yes, I go by Mike. Oh thank god. I was going to remember that name already. I know. I'm still struggling to remember Ass Always. My good butt.

And then the universal dunger thing like Ass, Butt, and Dong. You are all healthy sexual humans I see. Very good, very good. Thank you so much. Not humans, but all... Oh, I'm so sorry. You, of course, are a... Friend to all. Oh, lovely. A friend to me, I hope, as well.

Absolutely. A friend would have remembered my entire name. Can you say it back to me just one time, please? I want to say Mike Mike animal Mike animal Mike. Yeah, that's right. It's Mike snow Chunter you talking about our good friend Mike Ronimo Goodyear. Yes. That's my human name Well, it sounds like a classic human name to me. I wouldn't know they all sound a little strange to my ear Oh, well, you're a Goodyear simp over here. Fucking Goodyear simp. Sucking up. Well I'm just saying, human language isn't quite as beautiful as say like an elven language

where you'd say something like, Dethaniel Gwenniarvyn. You say things like Arnie Kneecap. And you know, Gnomish is also a dulcet, dulcet language, pleasant to the ear. Mm-hmm. Why, strange gnomes have come up twice. It's, you know, not a competition between Gnomish and Elvish, but if it were, we'd, they would be in the running. Now friend, I don't mean to be rude, but I can't help but notice that it looks like you're made out of wood.

Whoa! Huesador! That's the horniest thing I've ever heard. It's a very finely polished wood. It looks beautiful. Huesador polished wood. It's a great deal of craftsmanship but uh... I feel like being called out as horny by a butt-ass big donger over there is the height

of hypocrisy. I'm not the butt-ass big donger, that's Arnie. I'm not, look. Oh great, now I gotta write this down. Let's see, I'm your host, butt-ass big donger. Yes, well if it looks like I'm made of wood. It's quiet, give him a second to write it down. This is gonna take me like half an hour.

He's taking it, okay, go ahead, go ahead. I don't know why he writes it down, he never remembers. He eats that paper almost immediately. If I was made of wood, that wouldn't be a problem, would it? Uh, no, I would just- I would ask, since you're obviously a human, what witch bewitched you to become this- this wooden man, this finely polished, extremely well crafted, automaton-ish thing we see before us. Look, I'm going to get down to brass tacks because it is so hot in here.

Whoa! Whoa! There's a bunch of brass tacks inside. His torso is opening up and... He's literally getting down to the brass tacks. Let's take this chainmail tack stuff. Oh, so much steam. Oh, oh, oh, that's- A compartment in the middle of him opened up and there's a little man inside, this big man.

That's better, that's better. Look, I know I had you guys fooled eight ways from food day, but I'm actually a gnome in a man suit. I know you I had you guys fooled eight ways from food day, but I'm actually a gnome in a man suit. I knew it. Oh, no. There's been a gnome inside you this whole time Let's rip you open. No Okay friend you can reveal yourself We're being honest now. I wish there was a little I was a little person inside this big man suit But I am really just this big man Arnie wouldn't be fun if there's like a little brain in your tummy. It's like a little brain control and everything

Sounds gross. I don't know. It sounds like a quat of situation No, I I think I think he was I think he was saying he was more like an ID He'd write down and he he'd shred it a little bit later Just something right off the dome, you know, right off the top of his... Superdome, yeah. Well, I'm sorry, I feel like I was doing, dare I say, a perfect job impersonating a human man, even down to the exact size of an existent human here. But I feel like I really slipped in the Dick Bisc there when I called you that.

Yes, that should have been our first clue. For who else would call me Dick Bisc but the Gnomes of Foon? Unless of course we're talking about the Southern Gnomes, in which case they would call me Randy Spankalots. Yes, yes, of course. I have a cousin who lives in the South, and yes, you're just as famous there for an equally excellent name Thank you Is there anything that more underlines the north versus south divide in this world than the fact that the northern Gnomes call you dick bisque and the southern gnomes call you Randy Spanx a lot. That's just that you remember Or for now if anything really typifies the foonish division

of North and South, that is it. And we gnomes are proud of that, frankly. We have a lot of those little, you know, turns of phrase where it's like, oh, in the South, they call you sweetheart a little bit more in the gnomish towns. And in the North, there's more steam power. Yes, well, and in the south, they also say like,

bless your little tiny hat. Yes, exactly. But when they say that, they're not really, they don't mean bless your tiny hat. They mean you're kind of an asshole. In the north, you hear fying yellick, and in the south, you hear fying yawlick. That's true. Yes, yes.

These are the things we know about the north and the south of Foon. In the north they call it Foon, in the south they call it Pepsi. Oh, right. Right, yeah. And also, northern gnomes will drive a carriage like this. Yeah! But in the south, gnomes drive their carriages like this.

Hey, yeah! Oh, that is, hey, that's our stereotype. Only we get to do that one, okay? Sorry, yeah, I felt like I overstepped I'm sorry. You're not wrong, but you're a little too right for right now. You know what I'm saying? I'm sorry So my chrono I have to ask Oh Possess you To build such a fine human saccharine simulacrum

Well, if you must know I mean don't must know. We're curious. Yes, well. I must know. I insist. Okay, he must know. I'm on a recon mission. I'm undercover. I was doing, I think, again, frankly, a perfect job until... I agree. You put that chair on your head and I thought,

perfect human move. Thank you, thank you. I learned that in the South. That adds up. Yes, well I'm on a recon mission because the gnomes of Mechatronica, where I'm from of course, we all know the moving city of Mechatronica

where the gnomes live. We're running out of energy and magic and our city is tiring itself out. Oh no. Yes. Well how, how, how may we assist? For here, you look upon one of the greatest wizards in all of food, and Foon's greatest lawyer, and Foon's greatest lawyer, and Chunt, the talking badger, who's actually a shapeshifter. You're a shapeshifter?

Wow, that is impressive. Unbelievable. Thank you. Yeah, people, you know, you hear the list of what everyone is, and usually people are really impressed by that one. And I used to be Foon's greatest warrior, but now I'm just a butt-ass donger.

You know what? That's not lateral, buddy. That is, that feels like an upgrade I'm sorry It's just that I had to go through all this work to shift my shape into this one different shape and you can just do It whenever you want. That's incredible. Just say a thing. He'll turn into it. Right John. Just say a thing Yeah, say something except for like don't say like jealousy or something. Oh, no, that's so stupid Isn't it when you're like playing 20 questions with someone and it's like the concept of infinity

Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, it's kind of a clever idea, but I'm going on already does it all the time Can you can you look like like a duck platypus thing that maybe can only say like one word? Duck platypus thing that can only say one word. Okay Yeah, just have to picture it at my mind's eye. We all know what a platypus looks like here in FOOM, of course. Right, a platypus. But you want a duck platypus thing. Like a hybrid, like a duck fucked a platypus. Yes, well, it didn't, I mean, it could have come about through magic. It wouldn't have necessarily.

No, no, no, no. I think the duck fuck the platypus of this usually yeah Yeah, as a result of duck fuck And it only says one word do you have any preference on what the word is yeah, which word quack or no? I mean, I feel like this is a dealer's choice moment really You you we could give you a minute and so a lawyer, huh that must be really interesting well We could give you a minute and so a lawyer, huh? That must be really interesting. Well, technically I guess I am the greatest lawyer in Olafoon because I helped Arnie in a time of need

and I defeated the greatest lawyer, Barnor the lawyer, who was the... Whoa. Related to Arnor the warrior. Whoa. Yes, so I took his title on and now I don't practice a lot of law because you're so good at it. I don't need to practice. You're incredible.

Do you know that? Oh, I wish people said that to me more often. I think a duck duck platypus thing would look a little something like this. Turns back around. Half back. Oh, back oh back half back half back oh it's a refund a partial refund half back oh I see yeah yeah incredible I am so impressed by that watch this Here, if I pull this lever on here... Oh! Now your arm went up.

Yeah, that's all. That's it. And look here, I can do it with the other one. Huh. That's very impressive. Yeah, that took me three years to build that. Oh, wow. Wow. Wow, very impressive. Why don't we take a quick break and we'll be half back? He said more than one thing. Half back. Why don't we take a quick break and we'll be half back? He said more than one thing.

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in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. So Mike, and I, is your name Mike? Is the big U have a different name than the regular size U? No, no, my name is Micronimo Goodgear. That's not atypical for a human, is it? What's your name? My name is Arnie Necamp. Arnie Necamp.

See, that's just as staccato as Micronimo Goodgear. It's equally as, uh, as malevolent. So, Mike, why don't you tell me a little bit about the process, like, of making this thing? Like, on my world, we'd call it, like, a mech, probably. Uh... Yes, because it's mechanical. I don't think it's a mech. I think it's very nice. I don't think it's a mess at all.

Yeah, bleck this mech. Thank you, Dick Bisc and Chunt. You know think it's very nice. I don't think it's a mess at all. Yeah, but what this mech? Thank you, Dick Bisc and Chunt. You know, it takes a village. And in my case, a good chunk of the city, we all got together most gnomes. I don't know if you know this, when gnomes are doing their artifices, they often have a specialization. So my father, Numanico, he helped with some of the steam pressurization stuff and my mom, Resonancy, helped with the vocal box. So you've noticed that my voice changed when I took the suit apart. I did notice. Sorry, what was your mom's name? Resonancy. Resonancy, huh. That's an old gnomish name. Her mother was also Resonancy, but she specialized in nuts and bolts.

So sometimes the name comes, but that's not what you specialize in. But often, often it does. So Micronomo, I'm really good at making the very fine, small, tiny little parts. And Goodgear, that's our family name, because you know, we make... Sure, sure. We keep it tight. You you know they mesh very well minimal jarring you know you lube it up a little bit you're good to go we say that's on my family crest too but it's in no mish whoo he pulled a bunch of levers to make his wooden arm nudge us he had to do so much work to do

that subtle gesture there's a wink switch somewhere around here too. Oh here it is. Oh. My mom got it to make the sound wink when I hit the switch too. Oh thank you Resonancy. That was a gift from her. It was a going away gift because she's she's terribly worried. We're all terribly worried. The city is it's winding down. That's right. You said it's running out of energy and magic. Yes. So it runs on those two things. You said it's running out of energy and magic. Yes. So it runs on those two things. Where do you get your source of energy and where do you get your source of magic? Well, originally our city was enchanted by lodestone great craft. You know, the green wizard.

Yeah, I know. Oh, spintax? I love spintax. Sure, yeah. Come say come sa. Come where? Is that another one of his names? No, that's what Jamelius the Malve is known as in the south.

Oh, okay. So you spent some time in the south. Well, yeah, we, yes, we summer there. Well, the whole city summers there is the thing, you know. Not every gnome has a giant moving artificial city. That's our thing, you know. Well, not every human has a giant moving tavern. You may not know this, but the wander lost itself is ambulatory.

Is it really? I would love to see the mechanism. It's supposed to be. I don't know how well it works. Arnie kept putting his gum on stuff. Yeah. We can't really control it, so it moves when it wants to move,

which is sort of the worst of both worlds. Oh, so how do you know where you're going to end up? We don't. We don't. Who built this? That's ridiculous! That's a good question. How did we, how did we do it? Wasn't it a curse? How did we get it to be in there? I bought it, it's cursed. I haven't really dug much into the lore.

Oh. I've been more interested in my own personal lore recently Oh that makes sense. I understand that although you to be so Jesune about a cursed object is really I like that I like that's me. What a strength of character you must have I'm just a Jesune universal Donger. Oh you are a bit Jesune What what ought to universal Donger to be but not Jizz June? As long as he doesn't have unweenis. Chunt, we just had Chunt for Red October.

It's not time to start planning Jizz June yet. Oh, come on! Do you celebrate Jizz June here? We do now. We will next year. I thought that was just in the south. Oh, what a fun time. You know that one tree when it comes into bloom and

everything smells like that oh i love jizzjune it's beautiful in the south yes yes yes yes so anyway uh lodestone greatcraft he uh he he powered the put a put a great spell on the city to help us move around and uh and i don't know what has happened with magic and wizards lately. Stuff seems... I'll tell you, I have an answer for you. The wizards are a bunch of assholes. And they've decided to become warlords and cruel and thinking masters of land and territory. Thinking of these paltry, mortal things, because they themselves have become mortal and they've become petty in their mortal natures. For getting their better natures,

yes, they should think back to the goddesses and they should think of how they could benefit all the good peoples and children of Foon. Yay, and I shall set the example for them by helping you, my Cronomo. If Spintax is giving you some sort of crappy green spell, let it be fixed with blue magic! Wait, really? You would do that for my city? Sure, like, Arnie, what'd he say? You can do that? You're sure, right? I don't, you know, don't get over your skis here. I, I, you're great, Dick, but... great dick, but I think I I mean I don't know exactly what you need I would love for you to try. I don't know what I need either Oh, it would require a wizard of great power to even diagnose it properly well

I assume he when he casts this spell he set some sort of Crystal stone at the center of the crystal stone yes That's in the center of the city and there's a crystal stone, yes, that's in the center of the city. And there's a lot of, there's metal rods that are connecting against it and then those go to other different bigger metal rods and those usually move in and out. Can I ask, the crystal stone in the center of the city, does it hum or does it buzz? Good question. Is it like a hum or is it like a bzz? Does that make sense?

I would say, yeah, it's like, it's like a hum. Or is it like a bzz? It's like a hum, bzz, hum, bzz. Oh, hum and, ooh, it's like it's like It's like a hmm. Yeah I'm in ooh. It's a humming bus. That's a little it's a little more intricate Yes, and this this crystal stone in the middle of the city when you get close to it Does it sort of make you hear whispering sounds or does it make your teeth fall out? It makes your teeth vibrate. Usually that will make you sneeze. And then, you know, you will have dark dreams for three days.

If you pass the threshold of runes that he inscribed on the floor around it and which, you know, we are extremely loathe to do. Was this Crystal Stone the fourth in a series of cities? And you kind of like you look back and you go crystal stone it's not that good yeah when when spin tax left did his hat fly off his head and like a young wizard went to grab it and he was like um you know exactly what we're talking about he had his green his green shoes we're showing he was flying off into the air. Yes, no, no, no, this sounds familiar. This sounds familiar. Have you considered having like replacing it with a dial?

Well, I'm sure the previous version, he probably had some sort of cup there in the middle of city, like a magical cup. Okay, so it sounds like you guys have a handle on this thing then, so maybe you could just suggest solutions because- Hold on, it sounds like, use it, there's runes on the ground.

I bet all the runes, whatever words they sort of indicate, start with J, is that right? Mike, you have no idea how fun this is to talk about it. I'm so sorry. No, it looks like you guys are having a wonderful time. And as with new friends, I too enjoy having a wonderful time. I just don't want to lose sight of my mission.

And Dick, it sounds like you could maybe help it sounds like all of you have parts of a great idea that you're really all just bringing together in a great assemblage of reference and finally why'd it have to be mechs I guess I guess my question is yeah why did it have to be mechs well that's our specialty how is building a human suit for yourself helping you in any way at all? Well, we don't know because we haven't been able to talk to Lodestone, but we're worried that he's angry at us. And so if he sees gnomes around, he might assume that we came from Mechatronica,

and he might want to do us ill. And so I thought I'll disguise myself because again all the wizards Yeah, they're warlords. They're being dicks. I think you said yeah, it's bad stuff out there man. It's bad stuff Yeah, I would recommend not going to spin-tax at all one He's always been a dick even before all this mortal bullshit like everyone thinks he's so great, but he's not that great Yeah, the whole city was moving around. There's a whole mobile. Well, okay. But I live in a tavern that also moves around because of a curse. I mean, I believe you. I'd love to get a look at the gears and stuff that's

underneath it. But right now all I have is your word that this thing moves around. I'm telling you my city. I guess all you have is my word that it moves around. But I built this thing. So, you know, extrapolate it. I don't, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying, you know, I I guess I guess I don't know either because maybe maybe you're just full of crap just like spintex You know you're such good friends him. Why don't you go kiss his green butt dick corny? I don't know if you noticed this, but they're both pissing at the same time. Oh god damn it I have a leak in my suit hold on a second. Oh, this is embarrassing I'm not embarrassed.

I thought I did a better job building this thing, and now my city's not going to be fixed and my whole family's going to die. And then there's going to be some other thing that's talked about. I don't quite get the reference. And it's OK. Now, Micronomo, I don't quite get the reference in my speech. I don't know. It's okay. It's okay. Now, Micronomo, I don't know, I don't know why your family would die

if the city quit moving. It's part of the spell. If the city spends more than one week of sunsets in the same place, it will shatter and explode. Oh, okay. Or so I'm told. Why is it made that way in the first place? I don't know, you're the one who said wizards are dicks and they do weird things for inscrutable

reasons? I can't. I'll say this, you're right, sometimes wizards are dicks, they do things for inscrutable reasons. But also magic's crazy, man. Like, if you want to make a moving city, there's always a price to pay. And it's like, well, I can make the city move, but if it holds still for seven sunsets, it's gonna blow up with all your family in it. That's the only way I can get it to move.

I know this isn't your false micronimo, but at some, like whoever in your town originally agreed to this, they're like, we need this city to move and we're willing to pay the price that it'll blow up if it stays still. This is three generations old here. I should have thought to ask my grandparents

why they did it this way. It is an asinine setup. Just make it stop. What are the benefits of a moving city? Like what do you, is it just that you move so you don't blow up or are there actual good things about it? Amen. Look at you. You come that way, you're stacked that tall naturally, and look at me. I fit inside. I'm a squirrel and a half, two squirrels tall, Max buddy, okay? And so it's scary out there for a little guy, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I've tried to tell him. Right? I hear you. Go off, short king. Oh, thanks. Oh, thank you. Thank you. It's... You know, it's hard. It's scary, and, you know, we just want to protect ourselves, and this is how we know.

This is our way. We build our defenses with the power of our brains in our hands. And, you know, I just... It's just nice to have a little empathy, you know? Sure. I'm sorry I got angry with you before. It's just, I'm so jealous of Spintax and I don't know why he's cursed your city in this way,

though it has given you some power to move around and overcome your fears, I see. Perhaps, you know, if we want to... What could I do? What if, how about this? Okay, here I'm just spit balling some magic ideas here. Oh please, magic is crazy man, it is so wild and out there, I would love to hear it. What if I don't fix the spell?

Because I don't know if I can, if I start messing with spin taxes magic I might do something even worse. But what if I made the city so it flies? Then it's not, it's not still for the seven days. It's technically not walking around anymore. But it can fly wherever you want it to fly. If you feel like this is a concession, then I am willing to take it. I would love a flying city.

Well, but here the whole thing, the city can fly, but if the city ever dips below a certain speed, everyone inside the city immediately turns old. Oh, no. Shy Malan. That sounds terrible.

Is it always like this with wizards? Is he always doing this with you get one thing and then you get halfback? That sounds terrible. And just be careful because sort of sometimes wizard magic is sort of like a monkey's paw, where it's like your city will fly, but it'll go like a thousand miles per hour to where like everyone's skin flies off or something. Oh, you fly it? Oh no.

So like be careful. Oh, you got to really... And he's a lawyer, you know, he's not practicing anymore, but he'll be really great at the fine details. Yeah. Er, Arnie Chunt, Micronimo, do you need anything from the bar? Err, I'll take another one. Hold on, what is this fluid that leaked out of me earlier?

I'll take like a half rainbow bowl, half red potion, just mix it together. Okay. And Micronimo, don't feel bad about leaking fluid before. If I've learned anything, is you make something and eventually there's gonna be more piss than you expected Take that from a butt-ass doner. I like that you look down to read that that is Somehow comforting to me. Thank you So when you're saying when you produce maybe not life, but another body of some kind it'll expel fluids Well, yeah, or if you make a creative endeavor

There's just gonna be a lot more fluids in that endeavor than you originally thought there would be. Yeah, well, thank you, Dick Bisk. If you can get that that that rainbow bowl. Red potion half, I would love it. I need to I need to fill my suit up again. But I'm going to think about your offer and think about ways that I can I can corral you in so you can't monkey pause me with the first two fingers go down and then just the middle ones left up right in my face.

Sure, do your best. I'll have some Talent Thwine. Talent Thwine, uh, Chunt? Uh, let me get a King's Juice. King's Juice. Know that while I bring these drinks from the bar, there shall be a price to be exacted. You know, in the South we call King's Juice Coke. Oh, really?

But wait, don't you also call any wine coke? Yes. And you also call water coke? Mm-hmm. What do you call cocaine? Uh, that's the Pixies Whisper. Ooh. Ooh.

Yeah, we could really go for some Pixies Whisper right now. Yeah. Yeah, that must be so tough to be like stressing about your city and also your family. You guys, you don't have any pixies, do you? Um, no. Ysador might have some more, Glor, but there will be a price to pay. Oh no, I got off that stuff. That will mess you up.

Ah, here you are. A king's juice, a talanth wine, a half rainbow bowl and half red potion. And I shall take your firstborn child. Whoa, I didn't even agree to anything. Hold on. That's three fourths firstborn children for me today. Good job, Isidor. Wow, you're on a tear.

I really am. Let's take a quick break. No, you're standing on a tear, Isidor. Your robe is caught on a nail. Oh, sorry. This is the emergency broadcast system. A ballistic missile threat has been detected inbound to your area. Your phone buzzes and you look down to find this alert.

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products. Plus we guarantee that after listening you're gonna dominate your next dinner party. So follow the best idea yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to the best idea yet early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. It's just the best idea yet. Yeah, man. Yeah. So then like, so you like, so like, uh, uh, then, and then like, and then like, you will, okay. So like you, you, the city can fly. It can't go like a thousand miles an hour. It, like, um, it like, you know you know, our skin won't fly off. There's a protective dome. We can break and slow down if we need to.

And, um, um, um. During the break, did you give my chronomouse some cocaine? No, I gave him some Pixies Whisper. This dude is absolutely zooted. And then, and then, and then, and then, okay. And like, uh, uh, uh, we can set it down for one hour if we need to. I'm writing it down.

Okay, dude. All right, all right, all right. Mike, you're so interesting all of a sudden. And you're dancing. Your dancing is amazing. You look so good dancing. I just like, it feels good to do. Hey, we should start a business.

Do you want to start a podcast? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Let me look at the tavern. I can see if I can like fix the gears and you can like, you can take this thing wherever you want, man. All right, I'll make a deal with you. If you fix the tavern so we can be controlled by us to go where we want, when we want, then I'll fix your town and nothing weird will happen.

Nothing weird? Nothing at all. I'll just fix it. All right, hold on. Let me just get this arm up in front of my face here. Looks like they're about to shake on it. They just spit on the wood. And then here you go.

OK, it's really, oh, sorry. Why are you so in the face? Ow. Make a deal. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Move the hand over here. Sorry, sorry, like this.

OK, real quick, Mike. Mike? Your robe is catching again on the nail there. All right, sorry about that. Mike, real quick, Mike. Real quick, you can take that deal with you, or you can, or you can have what's in this box. Oh man, that's a good looking box there. Look at that. It's got a nice ribbon around it there. What's in the box? What's in the box? Wait, do I hear a goat bleeding from inside of that box?

Yeah, it's a goat. Nice try, man. You tried to monkey paw me hear a goat bleeding from inside of that box? Yeah, it's a goat. Nice try, man. You tried to monkey paw me with a goat hoof. All right, no, no, deal, Usador. You're sorry, dick. Deal. There we go. Yes, deal's made.

Here, there's a little hatch here right under the table. This is gnome-sized. That's interesting. Yeah, right under the table. If you wanna just take a look at that. This is gnome sized. That's interesting. Oh, maybe gnomes built the traven originally. Okay, let me just get down here. All right, okay sir. Oh yeah, oh.

Are you kidding me? My dad worked on this. Really? It's got little stamp on it right there. Yeah, it's got little stamp on there right there. Yeah, it's got a little stamp on it right there. Little maker's mark, that's nice. Oh, I could go for some of that too, if you're behind the bar there while you're at it.

Okay, hold on, let me get back down here. Oh, what's the value? What can we sell it for? Should we take the Tavern of Antiques Roadshow? It's my tavern, I don't want to sell it, at least not this season. Well, it'd just be nice to know how much it's worth, and then you can keep it in the family.

That's what they usually do. I'm excited that there's apparently some lore down there. Okay, I think I've got it. It was just a couple things tightened, a couple things loosened. Hold on. We didn't ask for anything to be loosened. We just wanted it to get going again, okay?

We don't want any oil change, all right? We don't want our- The air filter does look like it could be replaced is all I'm saying, okay Look I filled up the wiper fluid though. That's for free. All right, look at the air filter. It's filthy Yeah, and I could use some more wiper fluid cuz when I've been wiping Just won't stop just won't stop not enough fluid. All right, I'm putting the air filter back then but that's No, we'll get to take the new air filter.

Okay, is that, I assume that's an extra cost in gold. No, in the spirit, Dick Bisk, of communication and friendship and us striking what I think is a bulletproof, mutually agreeable deal, the air filter is free. And that's the G know mish promise that's that's good gear and since you've done that boon for me I shan't double-cross you as I had planned and come up with some way to make the town and dive deep into the earth as it could still move but it would only go deeper and deeper towards the core of food I'm so happy So how do you do your part now? I'll just take this broom. And you guys keep talking. I'll just fly to your town real quick and check on that crystal. Bye!

What? When did he start flying via broom? Yeah that's so weird. Who can know what it's what it's referencing? Who can? I don't, I'm not sure I get this one actually. He's also standing on the top of the broom handle, like balancing on it, which looks so weird. Like just just put it between your legs man, no one's gonna judge you. Yeah. He looked insane right? Yeah I mean more than usual. Yeah but wizards are you know they're doing wild stuff now and magic is crazy. He did not look like he knew what to do with his arms right? Like if you put the broom between your legs you know where to put your arms but he stood on top and so at first he had them sort of on his

hips and then he folded his arms and then he put him flat at the side and then he put them both behind his head like he was relaxing but he was tensing so much and the thing is he just kept going back and forth in front of the tavern it's like get going save my town stop it looked like he said he was gonna use the broom and then he realized he didn't remember what the broom does so he was just like I gotta incorporate this broom somehow I bet you a hundred gold that broom is sitting right outside the tavern door and he just flew normal the rest of the Way, yeah, I'm hundred gold flew normal. Yeah. Yeah flew normal, you know my chronimo while we wait for you

So door to come back. Would you be okay with us reading email? Oh, I would love that. What's an email? Um, it's a message from my world. Oh, by the way, I'm from another world. Oh That explains why you're so big Yeah, people who listen to this send us emails listeners If you want to email us you can email us at magic tavern at puppies that supplies It's a real email address or you can join our patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us there Here's a recent message. We got the title is merch Says please add more non-white shirts long sleeves

Exclamation point some of us are huge slobs like Arnie and I'm not trying to get a self-made pink shirt. Thank you Also add only you can prevent drugs and sorry for my superfluous use of exclamation points. I can't help it Why would you want to prevent drugs? I think they're referencing something we've said on the podcast where I think, look, I think the main point of this message is someone saying, can the shirts not be white? Can they have more colors? Which I think we do actually have a bunch of other colors.

Yeah, I think so. But they also said no pink shirts or something along those lines. I think they're worried that their white shirts will turn pink because they're messy slob like me. So you do have magic on earth. White becomes pink? Arnie didn't you also say on earth that sometimes two become one? No. You sang that song and you said no. You said get it on get it on this is the night that two become one. That's also magic. You hide so much magic from us, Arnie.

I need somebody like I've never needed someone before to explain this email to me. Sure. Look, here, I think I'll explain. We have lots of great t-shirts that people can buy. There'll be a link in the show notes. They're all on T-Public. Shirts that are spilled with tea,

which is that's why they're brown, and so they want them to be white. Well, white is one of the color options. Brown is another color option. But here's the thing. You can click on any of the shirts and they aren't just the color that is shown at first. When you click on the link,

you can get them in a multitude of colors, including tie dye. Incredible. Tie dye. We need to get some, whoa. Oh, sorry. I dropped the broom as soon as I left, so I had to fly there normal and I had to bite that magic carpet all the way back here.

I knew it, carpet munger. Dickbist carpet munger. So is it done? Oh, it's all done. It was easy enough to fix the- Hold on, the resonance stone in my arm is glowing. That means that it's all done. It was easy enough to fix, uh, the, uh... Hold on, the resonance stone in my arm is glowing. That means that it's working again. That was the signal, if I was successful.

Yes, I went and I looked at the crystal at the center of the town, and it was green, and I thought, oh, that's not good, so I clicked on it, and I made it a different color, and now it's blue and everything's fine. Um, we could have just braved the three days of nightmares and the vibrating teeth sneezing to just go click on it. Well you needed a wizard to do it and then I sort of like I sort of leaned on it and gave it like a punch with one arm and I shouted funzarelli and then it was all fixed. Oh well if it required a magic word such as that that I could never have known I Must thank you for completing my mission for me dick

And then my hat fell off and a door was about to close on the chamber where the crystal is and I reached under my grab The hat right before the door came down. I threw it back on my head Oh, thank goddesses kind of gave gave the brim a little a little what little like I don't know describe it What do you call? To look cool leave it to the experts and let me let me try it with my That's all right, we can get we can fix that we can fix that we can fix it Yeah, you said or while you were gone. We were talking about merch. Huh briefly people can buy shirts on our T-public store there's a link in the show notes

But the one other thing I wanted to add to this is something we've been talking about doing for a while in the email They requested and only you can prevent drugs shirt So what I think we should do is we're gonna have a shirt Why are we doing that again? It's it's too much to explain just go with it Why are we doing that again? It's too much to explain. Just go with it. In our store, we're going to have a shirt, and it's going to have a little chunt, and it's going to have a word balloon, and it's going to say, Only you can prevent drugs. Now, it's for a limited time, until the next time one of us says that should be a shirt,

then the Only You Can Prevent Drug shirt a shirt then the only you can prevent can prevent drug shirt will be gone and you can only get the new one so maybe next week it'll be different or maybe we'll forget to do it for years and years and years that sounds right but sounds like a real act now situation to me yeah well that'd be sort of fun because then you could have chunt shirts that say all sorts of different things sort of the way chunks as all sorts of different changes all sorts of different things and you store shirts that say all sorts of different things. Sort of the way Chunt says all sorts of different things. Chunt says all sorts of different things.

And Usador shirts that say all kinds of things. And Arnie shirts that say all kinds of things. Okay, fine. I will add an Arnie shirt and it's going to say, butt-ass big-donger. I don't know that anyone will ever buy it. You know, wear it to like family reunions or graduations. If there's one thing that Arnie loves, it's back stock. Wow. You know, where it's like family reunions or graduations. If there's one thing that Oni loves, it's back stock. Yes.

You know, guys, also, I'm right here. I said all kinds of stuff. I said a bunch of things. I mean, were you to pick one just out of the... I see what's happening here. Take some more pixies, Whisper. There you go. Oh, no.

Up your left nostril. You must take the left your left nostril you must take the left tunnel Mike you must take the left tunnel. Oh no All right, well okay, this is great. This is been great guys. This is a great. I'm gonna get home. This is so exciting Mechatronikus is saved and I've made a bunch of new friends, and this is awesome Thanks so much for having me. I'll see you all later is saved and I've made a bunch of new friends and this is awesome. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, sorry, could you just move this chair out of the way for me? Oh yeah, this is... He's moving the levers faster, but it's not... He hasn't increased the capabilities of the machine. The latch is tricky here. I just can't seem to have... You know, it's like... I want to open it, but my finger's all twitchy like this.

Oh, got it. That crystal in mech-tronica is good for, I'd say, at least 10, 15 weeks. Okay. Oh good. I have a note here from production. I told them never to approach me. The cast wants you to know that they paused the recording for 15 minutes to verify that Usador's gnome name, Dick Bisk, was not the name that the inventory imp ate earlier this season. They confirmed that that name was Biscuit Maniscus, which was how the bakers formerly

knew him. So they resumed recording, safe in the knowledge that they could canonically still refer to him as Dick Bisk. See, we do pay attention to details this once. Also, the Magic Tavern Tea Public Store now has, for a limited time, shirts where Chunt says, "'Only you can prevent drugs' and one where Arnie says, "'Butt-ass big donger.'"

I'm told they made these shirts on purpose. There's a link to the merch store in the show notes. Again, they are here for a limited time, so focus on the positive. Usado the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae. Micronomo Good Gear was played by special guest Eric Mueller. You can see Eric improvise with his friends on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the Second City Chicago in the show $10 comedy. So I guess it's not pay what you think the show's worth,

Eric. Then again, they stopped printing $0 bills. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Kitay Meow Wow, Elliot Raven Oak, Cat Savage, the Thundercat with no moral code, No Tank Tops, Ben Reilly, Solar Jenkins, freewheeling cousin of hydroelectric Jones,

Emily Elizabeth St. Guterres, Colton Mr. G. Gabelman, Nick the Florida Man, do the right thing on election day Nick, and Zach Fisher. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, this year's Chunt for Red October. Not as bad as Sandy, but... Who? Sandy was over here before. The vampire or the mummy? I meant a mummy earlier. Here's the thing, they're both the same person. Get the fuck out of here. I know. That was Sandy the vampire dressed up like a mummy? Mm hmm. Yeah.

He wrapped himself in bandages and then he said, he came up and he said, I'm a mummy. I'm wrapped in bandages. And it's like, what are we doing? Oh, he came up to me and he said oh be careful I'll turn into a thousand Lucas sounds like all right, whatever I can do that Lucas Locusts Locusts and makes way more sense. What did you think I said? I thought you said a thousand Lucas

That would be scary Fuck it's Lucas! Hey Lucas! It's me, Lucas number 347! To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Richard Bandler revolutionized the world of self-help all thanks to an approach he developed called neuro-linguistic programming.

Even though NLP worked for some, its methods have been criticized for being dangerous in the wrong hands. Throw in Richard's dark past as a cocaine addict and murder suspect, and you can't help but wonder what his true intentions were. I'm Saatchi Cole. And I'm Sarah Haggye. And we're the hosts of Scamfluencers, a weekly podcast from Wondery that takes you along the twists and turns of the most infamous scams of all time, the impact on victims,

and what's left once the facade falls away. We recently dove into the story of the godfather of modern mental manipulation, Richard Bandler, whose methods inspired some of the most toxic and criminal self-help movements of the last two decades. Follow Scamfluencers on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Scamfluencers and more Exhibit C true crime shows like Morbid and Kill List early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery+. Check out Exhibit C in the Wondery app for all your true crime listening.