Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 33 - Three Hovering Rods (w/ John Moe)

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

Thr is three hovering metal rods, wearing some hats and interested in the human experience.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiThr: John MoeMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Be that as it may, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined as always by my good butt, Chunt the Talking Badger. Aw yeah, baby. How you doing, bud? I'm doing good. I'm a bit confused, I guess. Well, what are you confused about? I was going through your stuff the other day.

No big deal. Don't freak out. Whatever you found is, I'm sure, totally cool and normal. And I found a book or a tome. Okay, this could go either way. Called Catch Her in the Rye. Catch Her in the rye. Catch her... catch her in the rye? And I thought it would be some sort of like, I don't know, salacious romp.

And it was so weird. And I don't know why I'm saying this, but I would say like over... over-celebrated for some reason? Huh, you could tell just from reading it. With no cultural context, you think that it's an over-celebrated book. Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know what, I think you're a phony. What? I think you are a phony.

You know what, I'm gonna keep this book on me at all times, and I'm gonna find you, Neekamp. I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna take you out. Or my name isn't Chunt, middle name, last name. I am also joined by my other co-host, Ysidor the Wizard. I am Ysidor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tricus. The elves know me as Feanyalic, the dwarves know me as Zunan and Hoogstanges,

and I am known throughout the North-East as Gasm as gasmoneous may star don't be our daddy boy Chunt we should get you a middle name and a last name. I love names. Oh Could I oh guys could I could I please? Oh sure well? Let's see. I love Q as a middle initial I see what's happening here, so perhaps your Chunt Quentin. Oh Arnie what's a good last name? I Don't know but I'm curious. What did you think was happening here? What did you think we were gonna try to trick you into doing? Well in my head

I'm like, of course someone's gonna say Chunt P Badger or Chunt Q Badger and it started happening But then you sort of said Quentin knee camp Chunt Q knee camp Chunt Qu. Badger or Chunt Q. Badger and it started happening but then you sort of said Quintin Knee Camp? Chunt Q. Knee Camp. Chunt Quintin Knee Camp and I think that's just tops. Okay. All right. Do we want to... Is there anything we need to do in this world to seal a name change? Sure. You just have to sign these adoption papers. Oh. I don't know. This is a big responsibility. Can't we just be like cousins or something? Chunt, do you want him to sign the cousin papers instead?

I mean, I'd prefer you adopt me, but I guess if cousin's the best I can get, then I'll take it. I'll take it! Here you go. Kissing cousin's form. Wait a sec. Oh wait, we just have to kiss the form? Okay. It's done. And of course I was just kiss the form? Okay. Mwah! Mwah! It's done! And of course I was just in the form of a form. Alright cuz! Congratulations on your new cousinhood!

Wow! This is a big deal! I just had no idea when I woke up this morning that you were gonna be family. Yeah. Wow, this is... I mean we're already sort of family in a fast and furious kind of way. Sure, yeah. Like when you meet your dad's friend and he's like, this is your uncle.

And I'm like, well, maybe, but it seems more like a friend. Oh, this is so cool. You said Arnie like it's a what? Like in a fast and furious way, in the way that we're just always talking so fast and really mad at each other. Yeah. You think of us as family.

Yeah. Because I don't think of the two of you as family. I love that both of you, I don't get that wrong. But I don't think of you as family. Because I was born of a conspiracy of bird and wind and rain and fire that insisted there be a champion. And I did come fully formed into this world to insist that good triumph or evil. That's right, cuz he doesn't know what family even is.

Wait, what? Totally cuz. I got you a secret handshake And the finish Look at you, sir. He's a regular holding Caulfield over here. What what does that mean? I'm phony what hi I want to be in the family now. Well, are there papers for are there any family? Slots open here. I'll sign these adoption papers and make you my son, Arnie. Arnie, also family slots open was on your recent Google search history on your phone.

That's private. Sorry, sorry, I'll pretend I didn't see it. Oh, I'm looking around the bar cause, and I don't see, I don't see any sort of animal or troll or like a prince or anything. I don't see like a Guest do we have a guest today? There is I don't know what this is. There's something floating over towards us Oh, yeah, it's sort of humming. Oh wait, it's already floating as much as it's hovering Hey, hi. Hey, hello. Hey guys.

Oh, oh. Hi. Hey guys. That's how you say it. Hey, hey guys. You nailed it. Hey. Thank you. Thank you, I've been working at it.

Yeah. Yeah, this is now, do you mind joining us? Do you mind if we ask you a few questions? Oh my God, yes. Oh, thank you. Yes. Okay. I mean, I don't, no questions? Oh my god. Yes. Oh, thank you. Yes. Okay. I mean, I don't know. I don't mind. Yes. Great. I would like to. Yes. Hi. Hi.

So are you to look at you and apologize if I get any of this wrong. You seem to just be three hovering rods. Arnie. No, no, no, that's that's fair. That is good. Arnie no no no that's that's fair that is good. I mean I I That is a truth about myself that I am three hovering rods Just you know probably 16 to 17 inches Must be nice not bad each of my rods sure

cylindrical yeah, I, given the sort of, I guess the mortal accoutrements, the clothing that I have on me that maybe I would blend, but I haven't, but that's okay. That is okay. And it's true, you do seem to have some clothes kind of draped over your assorted rods. Thank you. And three very tiny and adorable hats that I don't really pass you off as a humanoid if that's okay what you were going for. No that's fair that's fair I need to hear this stuff no I maybe it was too many hats, because now I'm now I'm gathering. Yeah looking around the Tavern

Most people go with the one hat. Yeah, if they do a hat at all This is a very fat forward place to be clear So you were right about that like almost everybody is wearing a hat But I also understand the instinct. Were I three hovering rods, I'd say, well, each rod needs a hat. Gets a hat. Yeah. Not to be confused with the three rods who hover. Anytime I order mozzarella wands, all three rods are like, oh, are those mozzarella wands?

I'm like, you know they are. Get out of here, big Rodney, little Rodney and other Rodney. No, those mozzarella guys. Yeah, no, not that Thank you. It doesn't lead me to the question though three hovering rods Yeah, are you with the hats it makes me wonder are you collectively one? Identity or are you three? No. No no it's just me three hovering rods you know I maybe if you wanted to give me a nickname THR or ther? Yeah no it's it's just me the the beings that I come from exist in a sort of series of multiple geometrical

hovering entities. Wow, I've never heard somebody call their parents the beings that I come from. Well, you haven't. Literally makes sense. You haven't met my polygons. Now, I, sorry to ask such rude and invasive questions, but you must understand that Arnie is sending this back to his world as an audio format, so sometimes people may not visualize you unless we ask these things.

What is the composition of those rods? Is it graphite? Is it steel? Is it wood? There's like a faint glow about you that I can't quite parse what you're made of. You know, it's a material that the to name it sort of transcends the language. He doesn't know. Oh, he doesn't know. From what I, but I just, metal, I just, just metal.

Sure, just metal, okay. Yeah, um, just a sort of, uh, dense metal. Oh, dense metal, ooh. Yeah, yeah, I mean that sounds kind of tough, doesn't it? Yeah, very, very interesting. Yeah, dense metal I mean that sounds kind of tough doesn't it? Yeah, very good, very interesting. Dense metal, three little hats. But to me, I mean this is, I just love this. I love coming down here, I love just wearing clothes.

This is a tremendous adventure to me. Now I noticed you said coming down here. Yeah. Which indicates some sort of descending from some other place. Where do you come from originally? Do you know the Darkened Hills? Oh yes, I love the Darkened Hills. The Darkened Hills?

Yeah. Yes. Sometimes I go up there with my horse Grimhoof, and we do all manner of foul and unholy incantation. Oh! That was bugging me. That's where I knew you from. Yeah.

Is from the hidden glens in the Darkened Hills. Yeah, the circles and the blue fire. Yeah, that's me. Yeah. No, I love you guys. Thank you. Those blue fire. Yeah, that's me. Yeah. No, I love you guys. Thank you. Awesome. Yeah so now I I descend down here and You know put on clothes because I just I just find you so all of you so fast

It's just adorable this thing, you know people at tables and drinking drinks It's just I just it it's just so nice. Oh, would you like to try to drink a drink? Oh, could I? Sure, we can get you out and see what happens. Yeah, okay. Arnie, Chunt, would you like a drink? Hey, real quick.

Yeah, yeah. If he needs to like dip each one of his rods in a drink to kind of like get the gist of it, I don't want to pay for three drinks. I don't, I could cover it. It's all right. Then I'll take a ooh, King's Juice. I just had one, maybe like a mulberry spritzer. You've got a nephew, son. You know what? I feel like I always have the same drinks.

I never have the drinks, chunt drinks. I'm going to have a King's Juice. I'm going to have my cousin's drink. A little bit of raspberry. Yeah, I'll take a little raspberry in mine yeah thanks and thanks Unki UC and did you want did you want three different drinks or one drink oh no just one just one because that's that's that's how it's done would you like it would you like an ale to start with just to start okay classic ale is that a good one is that a good one for some classic for a reason?

Okay to be clear third none of them are good to start It's gonna be bad. All right, but you know, you're it's a learning experience. No, that sounds that sounds great I'm I'm just happy to happy to be a part of things. So yes, and he'll be nice I'll be right back with those drinks Third do you mind? I'm curious to hear a little bit more about these shapes that you came from. What is your relationship, you know, we're family is so much on our mind right now. What's your relationship like with your family? Well, I mean, to be honest, it's a lot of kind of gathering in a circle, or perhaps a more complex shape,

depending on how many of us there are. Gather like in a clearing in the mountains, and we kind of just all hover there, and then there's some sort of celestial, it's awful. It's just awful. And it goes on for days. Just hovering, just hovering in the clearing? And I think everybody else is getting a lot more out of it than I do because they're,

I don't know if they're omniscient, but they're really smart. And I'm just occasionally clever. I'm just not as smart as the rest of them. And so, you know, I kind of, my being here is kind of, you know, big fish, little pond kind of thinking like, I might be on the smart side for this. Well, that's not making any assumptions too fast. Okay, all right. Third, so when you're in the clearing with all the other shapes for days and days,

is one of those things where ever all the other shapes are leaving the circle being like wow Wow Yeah, that was amazing and you're just like, huh? Wow, okay Yeah, no, I kind of I end up sort of playing little mental games by myself You know like like okay. How many rocks can I count in the next? 30 seconds, you know and and I challenge see if I could in the next 30 seconds? You know, and then I challenge, see if I could beat the record. But yeah, I know everybody else comes out of it like, they can't put it into words, what they've gone through.

It was such a transcendent experience. But I can put it into words, what I've gone through. Hovering is pretty much the word. Humming, I guess there's two words. Yeah. A couple of King's juices and an ale for our new friend and a basket of mozzarella ones. Get out of here! Get back!

No. The rod needs. The rods who hover. Get out of here. Hmm. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, let me just position my rods around this glass. Okay. All right. All right. I think is it position my rods around this glass. Okay, all right. I think, is it starting to go down a little bit? Yeah, I see the level of the liquid in the glass. Okay. It is going down.

Oh, that is... That is drunk. He's drunk. Oh, man. I... Okay, how's my hovering, honestly? A little lopsided. But still not bad. You look great. Do me a favor, do this. Do this.

Woo! Woo! Like that? Nailed it. Yeah, nailed it. Did you like the little rod quivering when I did it? A little, yeah. A little vibration, a little shaking. There is a little test we do sometimes if we want to know if you're drunk or not. Alright.

Do you see that straight line? Yes. Can you copy it exactly? Let me try. Hold on, let me move away from the glass here. Okay. Oh! Arrrr!

You know. Okay. You seem a little buzzed. Yeah, you seem a little buzzed. I seem a little buzzed. Yeah, you seem a little buzzed. I seem a little buzzed. Okay. Well, this is all new to me. I mean, this is all part of the same experience to me is the hats, the scarf, the dress shirt

that I have on here and then then they ale I'm like I'm like oh yeah I'm a guy in a tavern kind of thing yeah I'm buying it oh good oh my goddesses I I'm such an asshole I am so sorry I've been eating mozzarella wands hmm are you are these like are these related to you or like no? Oh Would you like one you want to eat another straight? No, okay. No, I that would be spooky Yeah, drinking is one thing but eating that seems like a lot. It's it's a lot to ask. I think we're got to it Okay, maybe we'll work up to it. Maybe with some more ale. Maybe with some more ale. And maybe right after this break. This is the emergency broadcast system. A ballistic missile threat has been detected

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the raid to bring down the most infamous terrorist in American history. Order the hidden history of the White House now in hardcover or digital edition, wherever you get your books. And I had a question about the scarf. Mm-hmm. Now, I notice you've wrapped around all three of the rods. Yes. Tied it into several knots. Yes.

Was that a, like a knitting needle situation? How'd you pull that off? Okay. So you know what a simple machine is. Lever, pulley, wedge. Yeah, oh yeah. We met a complex machine last week. Yeah, okay.

So if you look at, lean in real close, let's say to rod two here. last week. Yeah okay so if you look at those take care of a lot of the the object manipulation that I need to do when I'm going mortal, going down here and hanging with you guys. So yeah, it's a slow process of fixing all these things. That's why folks where I come from, bunch of nudies. But to me, it's all these little simple machines putting this on. Yeah, it's truly incredible and massively impressive.

I wonder if, I don't know how else to say this, are you an artifact of the goddesses? Are you some sort of divine being that we should bow down to or pledge our allegiance to? Well, I don't think so. I mean, this is the kind of pickle that I'm in, is that I think to truly understand the wonder that is me requires a level of wisdom and intelligence that darn it, I can't seem to get to. You know what?

We've all been there. Have you? I feel like to understand the wonder of me. I haven't been able to. That's my life's journey to understand the wonder of myself. Yeah. Yeah. Like, do you hover?

I generally don't hover. I mean, I guess there have been some situations where I've hovered, but usually not by my own accord. Okay. Yes, not of your own volition. I think I'm the only one. Well, Chunch, you could probably hover if you wanted to, right?

I think I'd have to shape shift into something that flies or floats. Right. Yeah. And I hover, but not as a rule. But maybe I should more it seems like it's some sort of path to a higher state of consciousness. It could be it could be I mean, like, and I, I mean, I really should have pursued that kind of education further. I should have gone to school.

I should have paid attention. I shouldn't have just, you know, come down here and, you know, be powered by infinitesimally powerful, tiny gyroscopes that allow me to do this. You know, I should have used this for something else. But again, everybody else mostly just gathers in a circle and has this sort of transcendent thing. I just don't get it.

OK, wait a minute. Now, Sir, when you mentioned you should have gone to college, you, I want to say you dropped something, but I don't know if you can drop something. I see here on it's an acceptance letter to hovered. Is that as is that a school? Yeah. Yeah. If you look if you look closely, it says hovered job training program on it. Okay, this was a gag because I didn't I didn't get into Harvard. And so I thought, you know, and this was the others playing kind of a gag on me that making that there was like a

job training vocational tech kind of thing. There isn't. Yeah. So the others, your kind, what would they major in if they did go to Hubbard? I think probably like engineering. Quantum mechanics and fission, these sorts of things that Arnie has mentioned that I only vaguely understand. I think a lot of them, there's alchemy majors. Oh. Oh.

Yeah. There's some people have come back with degrees that just say oneness. And, you know, I don't know what to do with that. You know, I feel like that kind of degree that seems like a good idea at the time. I feel like you're going to college and you're like, you know what, I'm going to major in oneness. But then you can imagine oneness and everybody else back home already has a sense of oneness. So where are the jobs? It's like, yeah, it's a kiosk. We get it. Yeah. And they say, look, if you're oneness, you can get a job as anything, but still you probably should get pick up a skill. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and so, I mean, to me, like, the way I pay my bills, like clearing the rocky outcropping for the standing around or hovering around, seeing each other kind of thing, and I don't know, man, it's just, I think there's more to life. Like this ale, let me wrap around this ale again Wow, yeah, no that is not good but kind of good also at the same time isn't it right right? Yeah, sir I appreciate that you like so many people you're like I could go to school But instead I'm going to dedicate time to learning how to drink yeah Yeah, well, you know, I mean that's why I have the backpack. Yeah. Oh, oh, yes

I wanted to ask what was in there, but I didn't want to be Rude yeah, so the other mortal humanoid Activities that you're interested in, particularly? Are there any that have caught your eye? Well, I mean, I'm drawn to candle making. Okay.

Obviously, for the... The sexy stuff right out of the gate. Yeah. Yeah, like the shape and, you know, that you could have a rod and it's on fire and then it disappears after a while. Oh yeah. You know, I want to learn all about that. Like root vegetables, I don't know what's going on with them. You put something in the dirt and it comes back as another thing. Like to me, you know, like that's cool. Like I think to a lot of people,

three hovering rods is magical and cool. But to me, like a rutabaga is, you know, really does the trick. Have you thought about plumbing? They're sort of like twisty rods that send water everywhere. Yes. And they seem to... I mean, I was in the restroom earlier. Why? Well, curious.

I mean I don't secrete at all. But you know, and the ale I've consumed becomes a sort of subatomic mist when I'm through with it. But yeah, I was noticing the plumbing because these are bendy rods that seem to hover in place I mean they're gravity bound but to my way of purposes. It's just like a you know abstract portraiture. Hmm well, I think we've all been in the restroom because we're curious at some point or the other but I Just want to know how we might assist you what other activities could we help you with even this evening or perhaps? Perhaps we could call a provost or so. I don't know how he's supposed to help

Yeah, no, I mean if there are any games if if you guys know any games, you know people people where I come from It's not a lot of fun. It's, fun is not prioritized. I have the perfect game for your very first game, sir. I have to assume it's your first game, I'm not sure. Yes, yes, totally. This is a classic called Cat or Doctor. Now someone is going to do an impression and you have to guess if they're doing

an impression of a cat or a doctor. That's true, one of our oldest games. Favourites. All-time favourite. Chant, do you want to start or should I start? Why don't you start? I'm sorry, but the prognosis is not good. You have measles. Hmm. Okay.

So would a cat say that? Would a doctor say that? Would a cat say that to a doctor say that what a cat say that to a doctor I'm really thinking it over. Yeah. Well again, I'm very very bright by your standards, but I think that It's nurturing sounding it's caring It seems like something that somebody would say when they're cozying up into your lap. I'm gonna go with the cat Seems like something that somebody would say when they're cozying up into your lap. I'm gonna go with the cat.

Damn it! Ooh, nice one, sir! Got it. You got your first one. Really? Because I was gonna guess doctor on that one. Really? Why? Because of the prognosis of measles. Well, didn't you see the way I sort of licked the back of my hand and like... He was cleaning himself.

Yeah, I just thought there was some weird stuff that you do. Now Arnie, we're gonna have you go, but keep in mind that the last time we played we got in a big fight because you wouldn't stop playing dr. Katz And giving a big shitty knee grin for some reason. Oh, yeah, I was squiggling all over the place Let's see. I'll do okay Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.

That was mine. What was it? What are you doing? You're just sort of stretching. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I guess. That is, you seem to have something in your mouth. I believe that to be a hairball. And so I'm gonna say again, cat. Wow. Arnie, was that right? Arnie?

I'm afraid it was a doctor choking on a hairball. Oh wow. I was so close. I thought it was a doctor choking on a cat. I mean, it was cat hair. So you were onto something. I was on the right track. I'll go real quick and then Thur you'll bring it home.

Okay, here we go. Me, ow. Me, ow. It's a tricky one. Is it possible it's like a self-diagnosing doctor? Let Thur- let Thur figure it out. Thurk's clearly a genius from another dimension or something. I don't know what the hell's going on. Yeah. Um, uh, I think that is- that's some sort of healer, which a cat can be, but, uh, I think that is a caring individual who is hurt and understands pain. Ooh, hmm, doctor.

Yeah, I was a doctor. Okay. Good job. Wow, you're great this there. And then you've seen how it's played. So now we'll have you sort of guess while you go ahead and choose cat or doctor. Okay, so cat or doctor. All right, this is this is great. I don't know if this is a great game because again, it's my

first one. I have nothing to compare it to. Thank you for your honesty. It's a wonderful game. But it is automatically my favorite game I've ever played. Oh, good. And the worst. All right. I all right, soaract here we go here we go The rods are just kind of spinning are we sure he's playing Sir are you okay? Is the is the ale having some sort of reaction? Yeah, but I think I'm better. To sum up, brrrr, oh.

Okay, cat or doctor? Okay. You use the door or I guess... Okay, let me think. I have to think about rrrr, okay. I'm going to say Doctor, but the doctor was a woman! Wait, it's either a doctor or a woman. Can't be both. No, no, Chunt. The doctor was a woman.

How? Get with the times, man. How? Isn't that a nurse? Maybe on Arnie's World, but not here! Okay. Maybe on Arnie's world, but not here. Okay. Sir, is there any, like, social things you'd like to... I mean, obviously the game is social, but like... Yeah. Would you like us to introduce you to people? Oh, sure, but first I need you to take your guesses to whether that was a cat or a doctor.

Oh. I guess doctor. Oh, you guessed doctor. Okay. It was a cat. Damn it It was the inner harmony with the universe of a cat. That's what it sounds like. Oh I'm pretty good at impressions third you want to know my secret strategy for this game Yeah, my secret strategy is to almost never answer because no matter what you say

The other person is gonna say it's the other thing. What? Oh yes. That's not how this works at all. Mmm, seems like it. I don't think so. And then you think if they're gonna say the other thing, then you say, well maybe I'll say that other thing and then maybe it was the first thing all along. Exactly.

You can make yourself crazy. While these two mental giants parse through the game, why don't we take another quick break and we'll be right back with more games. Now streaming. Welcome to Buy It Now. The show where aspiring entrepreneurs get the opportunity of a lifetime. I wouldn't be chasing it if I didn't believe

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You are the embodiment of what an American entrepreneur is. Oh my God. Are we excited for this moment? Ah! I can't believe it. I'm Tristan Redman and as a journalist, I've never believed in ghosts. But when I discovered that my wife's great grandmother was murdered in the house next door to where I grew up, I started wondering about the inexplicable things that happened in my childhood bedroom. When I tried to find out more, I discovered that someone who slept in my room after me, someone I'd never met, was visited by the ghost of a faceless woman.

So I started digging into the murder in my wife's family and I unearthed family secrets nobody could have imagined. Ghost Story won Best Documentary Podcast at the 2024 Ambys and is a Best True Crime Nominee at the British Podcast Awards 2024. Ghost Story is now the first ever Apple Podcast Series Essential. Each month, Apple Podcast editors spotlight one series that has captivated listeners with masterful storytelling, creative excellence and a unique creative voice and vision. To recognize Ghost Story being chosen as the first Series Essential, Wondry has made it ad-free for a limited time, only on Apple Podcasts. If you haven't listened

yet, head over to Apple Podcasts to hear for yourself. Oh, well, there's a lot of interesting stuff in here. I like this slide whistle. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, that's... Yeah, I didn't really know what to pack and so I kind of just took the objects left behind by hikers who have died up in the the darkened hills. Well if you take a slide whistle into the darkened hills you're definitely going to die. Yeah yeah yeah, no, I mean, that's... I feel no guilt about that one. Yeah, the bird seed that's in there... Lovebirds.

I don't know what that expedition was about, but yeah, I figured I'd bring that along. Maybe I'd run across a hungry bird. I don't know. I mean, I'm still new to this. I have so many friends who are birds. I don't know if you know this about me, but I love birds. No?

I would trade you that bird seed for something. Let's see. Oh, I have here. I have a rock. A mystical gem. Who owns this rock shall ne'er be hungry. Oh, this gray one here? Yeah, the gray one. Yeah. What do you think about that? You want to trade that for that bird seed? Yeah? Totally yeah, is that way you guys is that a good deal is am I being hustled? Do do you ever get hungry though? Anyway, not really is this like seeds you feed birds Or is this like seeds that when you plant them grow into birds because the second one's pretty cool. Oh good question I don't know. I thought it was to feed them, but I guess we could you know grow into birds because the second one's pretty cool. Oh, good question.

I don't know. I thought it was to feed them, but I guess we could, you know. I've got all the time in the world to find out. Yes. I ain't dying anytime soon. Oh, you're immortal? Not quite. OK.

I'm almost immortal, which I guess makes me mortal, but it's a gray area. Yeah. I'm almost immortal which I guess makes me mortal, but it's it's a gray area. Yeah I'm not feeling well You're sort of pen mortal. Yeah. Yeah para. Yeah paramortal Guys let's collectively agree to not give them any respect. I like Lil Rodney. I like Rappin' Rodney. He had his day. Yeah.

But he's banned from the tavern, yeah, unfortunately. It used to be four Rods who hover, but Rappin' Rodney got kicked out. Yeah, that's for the best. Yeah. No respect. Is the use of her alright? I'm fine. Everything's fine. I just, those Rodneys, oh how they vex me trying to steal our food with their grubby little hands.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Maybe I'm a snob, but I like to keep my hovering rods fairly smooth, you know?, like if you look in close I do have the layers and layers of millions of simple machines But the veneer is so important. You've got to make yourself look nice Especially if you're going out, you know to meet people. Oh, wait a minute third Dressing up looking nice keeping smooth. Are you trying to get intimate? Three hats?

Are you trying to get physical with someone, Rod? I mean, Thur? Um, you know, I mean, if something comes of that, I, you know, just see where the night takes me. It's going to take me hovering. I know that and you know I guess I don't understand the physics really of how that would work and I'm scared Sure, that's natural to be scared. Is it when two rods love each other? Yeah. Oh

Boy, I'm not really sure where this goes. I've never seen rods. Amongst the shapes, is there any kind of procreation? Oh, here we go. Yeah. It's called an emergence. And it's odd because you expect it to be a lot more majestic than it is. But in some of these, I guess they're ceremonies where we're just hovering around looking at each other, somebody's like a flap will just open. Yeah. On a spring.

And then there'll be like a squirting sound. And then a new shape or multiple shapes constituting a single being will just sort of fly out. And then there'll be a of like boy oh yeah yeah yeah that's just like what yeah that's just like what happens with us too yeah the flap opens and there's a squirting so yeah this is the yeah basically one for one yeah kind of a honking sort of thing if you're doing it right oh yeah if you're doing it right okay yeah so when the little door opens you could you could maybe even say it like says like swing Yeah, yep

swing Maybe let's see that Sorry, yeah, never mind me I'm drunk And then if the shape isn't very impressive it's if it's just like a cube then it's just sort of like a And then if the shape isn't very impressive, if it's just like a cube, then it's just sort of like a... Right. Yeah. Use that slide whistle. So there's kind of a hierarchy to shapes then, if...

Whereas three rods would be very impressive. Three hovering rods, excuse me. Thank you. A cube might be like... Yeah. Not that impressive. A cube... Yeah, you hope that it's gonna take on new facets eventually, but yeah. Sure.

But yeah, not, I mean, even rods, you know, I'm cylinders. I'm three cylinders. I'm not like five dodecahedrons. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So are there some of the shapes that you know are, they're in sums greater than three? Like what's the biggest collection of shapes you know as there there in sums greater than three like like what's the biggest collection of shapes you know is one entity you know I know some sevens I

know I know a couple sixes I know four pyramids they used to be five pyramids and there was an accident and you know so it, so it's, it's a little, it's, it's tough. You know, it's gotta be tough when you lose one of your pyramids. You probably always have a phantom pyramid. Yeah, I think so. And I mean, they're, they're great. Like I have known them for a long time and they're great, but it's, it's tough. You know, if you, if you take risks with your five pyramids,

sometimes it's 20% off, you know what I'm saying? Oni, don't I recall you saying you knew some LA sixes? You said Indiana 10s, LA sixes? That makes me sound very shallow, which I am. So yes, yes. Fair. And you said you host a podcast with a couple of fours? Yes.

What podcast? Yeah, what podcast? It's called Hello from the Magic Tavern. Whaaat? It's okay, cuz. You have two podcasts named Hello from the Magic Tavern? Arnie! You speak to your father like that?

That's the shape that you came out of or whatever. I forget what Thor said. The objects that produced you or something. Yeah, yeah, just the, the, the. The Hedrons, I believe. Yeah, all sorts of Hedrons and Gons and, and, and things like that. And, and, and we, and I gotta say, Arnie too,

we love podcasts up there in the darkening bounds. Yeah, we're all, all the shapes are Bluetooth compatible. of podcasts up there in the darkening bounds. We're all, all the shapes are Bluetooth compatible. And we've heard of that and, you know, so it picks up just fine. Have you, are there other, can you pick up podcasts from other worlds or just this one? Or do you not even know where they come from?

Don't always know where they come from. We don't know if new episodes just aren't loading or if the thing went out of production. Right. And we can listen to like 10 to 12,000 at the same time. Oh, wow. So you'll catch up in five years? Yeah, that's right. I just want to help you continue your immortal journey. Have you ever considered ordering your own drink at the bar for a moment while I talk to Arnie and Chunt? Yeah, sure. No, I'll let me go give that a try. Hey, did you guys notice- oh, go ahead.

No, you- I was gonna say, did you guys notice every time he goes into a glass of ale, he points due north? Well, I did notice that. What do you think it means? Divining rod, right? Oh. That ties into the thing I want to talk to the two of you about. What if I... I don't know, let's say...

Come on, Uncle Ysador, just say it. Captured, captured, captured, uh, these three rods. And I- and I put them into a staff and then I would have the most powerful wizard staff in the world. But you're going to just capture and and say that I'm all blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yes. All right. You're so perfect. I mean, I guess that works. Would you keep the hats on though? I don't know. I maybe they could be encased in wood so he wouldn't be able to talk.

Yeah. If you fight someone and they see you have a staff with a hat on it you know they're gonna ask for the name they're gonna be like what's that thing called and then you're gonna be like it's called the uh the instructor you're gonna say something dumb. I think we gotta lose the hats. Ah he's coming back. I got so many compliments on hat number two. Oh, well, yeah. Well, I mean, not everyone can pull off a Kangal. So no, especially with the propeller on the top because and they like, is that how you're hovering?

No, that's not how it's just for show. But yeah, no, I mean, these and the thing about the hats is that they are more or less fused to me for the next Probably thousand years or so Just given the there's no taking these hats off these rods Yeah, well, why would you I mean they're very becoming Right, so I would say just keep them on becoming so I would say just keep them on. I think so. Sir can I ask do you like conduct magic or anything like like do you have a relationship to magic?

I have a relationship to things that would be seen as magical, but it's mostly... I take these pieces, I guess laminated paper, and there are shapes on them. There are hearts. There are diamonds. There are shovels. There's another one. I can't remember. And then I can make it appear, and I don't think this has been done before, I can make it appear that I know which of these you're thinking of and then show it to you. Interesting. So you might say that you have the ability to manipulate the forces of nature around you and your environment to a certain extent. Yes, I call them tricks and The papers I call it means from card stock. So the it's I call them card tricks Hmm. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you know, I think there's someone at the bar that wanted to see your other hats

Oh, I'll go I'll go see them right now. Okay, great. Hi guys guys We how are we gonna grab this guy get him into a staff. I think I figured it out. He's a nerd He's just he's just a nerd he comes with a group of like all these shapes are like oh, we're so mystical and important I don't think so. I think they just think they're important. I think he's just a nerd He's a nerd and he didn't get into Hovered. I don't think so. I think they just think they're important. I think he's just a nerd. He's a nerd and he didn't get into Hulvard. I don't think so. Well, I suppose there's that. No judgment on him. I'm just saying. Oh, hi.

Yeah, no, they like the top hat. So, you know, who... Yeah. Different taste for different folks. But no, yeah, the card tricks, I could do that all day long. Just, you know, and reading books, you know, that's a type of magic too. Ah, sure. And you could probably transmute lead into gold or...

Working on, I know I could. I'll put it that way. Hang on. Usador, there's someone at the bar that wanted to see your hat. There's someone at the bar that wanted to see my hat? I'll be right back. Guys, I just figured it out. Usador's a huge nerd.

Oh! Usador's a huge nerd! Oh my god, you're right! Oh yeah! Yeah. Quest for knowledge? Oh, I see now. Transmuting things into things. Wizards? Wearing knowledge? Oh, I see it now. Transmuting things into things.

Wizards? Wearing blue. Oh gosh, what? I've never seen that. Wait, he's coming back, he's coming back. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, they were very impressed with my hat, but they also told me about a new graphic novel

that I wanted to read. Oh, how graphic? Pretty graphic, sounds like a lot of people get decapitated in it. Can I just stop you right there? If it's catch her in the rye. I threw it out my window. It might be making the rounds. Do not read it.

OK, I'll pass it. Nobody catches anyone. Yusudora, I'm going to ask you point blank. Yeah. You're my uncle. I love you. I love you. Your family. Are you fucking nerd?

What? Are you fucking nerd? Am I a nerd? Are you fucking nerd? How dare you? What is nerdy about me? I've spent the last 350 years steeped in study, trying to learn ways to defeat the Dark Lord, spending every day poring over books and grimoires and tomes.

Ay, there's hardly a day that I step outside to see the light because I'm so enthralled with the written word and learning about wait— Can I ask, those little pewter figures on the table in front of you, did you paint those all by hand? Oh yes, it's very—you have to get a magnifying glass if you really want to get the details right. Yes, it's very you have to get a magnifying glass if you really want to get the details, right? But these they're miniatures, you know, and I find I'm planning out a campaign That's very fun. You can cut you can use them for a game too. And you know, you're sort of space it out it's no cat-o-doctor, but I also notice you have a lot of like

replicas of carts Like that you've glued together here. Yeah. Oh yeah. I love I love building little tiny carts little little you know model size carts get to scale. I've been to your home before and you have a lot of spells on a shelf in sort of protective boxes and you said one to rock and one to stock. Oh yeah. If you get a spell you want to keep one in the box and then you want another one you can actually play with Right. Yeah, of course that that collection of tiny wands in your in your pocket of your shirt There's a lining around them Like a protective sort of thing. Yes, that's a robe protector. I gotta protect my robe.

Okay, in case that they... In case some magic leaks out. I don't want magic all over my robe. I'd look like a fool. Right, okay, no, that makes sense. You three. You just don't get it. Bazinga. Look, wait, are you talking about... Oh, okay, not just the three of me, but... Oh no, the collective three. I guess technically the five.

Thank you for recognizing my singularity. I feel really seen. Oh, good, good. Well, yes, yes, okay. Well done. Yes, yes. Sir, I'm going to come out and say it. Hmm. Sigh.

That was a test. What? We've always known you, sir, was a big fucking nerd. What? But we sus- Heh, you sir, come on, man. Yeah. But we suspected, Thur, that you might also be a nerd, and so we were trying to catch you and see what you would say.

Oh no, I'm a cool guy. Aren't I a cool guy? You know a cool guy says, I'm a cool guy.'t I cool guy says I am a cool guy They're also you know what it's okay cuz guess what I know no one has suspected this for a second I'm also a nerd what I have a podcast oh I mean, I'm a kind of a cool guy nerd, but I'm still a nerd Oh, you said it if according to trance rules you're not cool now. You said you're a cool guy. And third, this might blow your mind.

I know you're hearing it from three people now, but Arnie's a nerd. Wow. No, that's brave of you to say, to come out and say that Arnie's a nerd. I know. I thought I might chance be vulnerable. No, that was you showed tremendous vulnerability towards

a different person other than yourself. Thank you. And you know now that we're talking about nerdy things I have to confess I have to do some promotional business which is pretty nerdy just for the podcast. We've been talking recently about how we have some new merch in our merch store to celebrate new catchphrases that come up during the show. And it's been drawn to my attention. Last week, we did one where Chunt says, only you can prevent drugs. This was requested by a listener.

And so that shirt is currently available in our store and our tea public store. There's a link in the show notes. But I it has come to my attention that Chant wasn't actually the one that said that on the show. That was actually something you said or said, okay, so we have to change the shirt. And it has to be used or saying only you can prevent drugs. I said that? Yeah. How about it's Usador speaking and inside the word bubble is Chunt saying only you can prevent drugs.

Or whatever it was. That seems complicated. That seems like a lot harder to do. I'm gonna say it seems a little bit like wearing three hats. Okay, well Arnie, as a compromise, could we add a new shirt at some point that's a design or graphic of Arnie, of you, and there's a word bubble and it says there's new shirts in the merch store? Yes, okay, here's what we should do.

We're gonna have, so look. But that one's evergreen. You probably have like a day until it switches over, so this is like your last chance to get the limited edition Chunt saying only you can prevent drug shirt and then it's gone but that's gonna be replaced by usador saying only you can prevent drugs a shirt that has me saying there what was it there are shirts available there are new shirts available in the merch store well I think actually you sir said that okay okay but we'll give it to Arnie okay yeah give it to Arnie that's fine And then the Chunt one he'll just be saying

catchphrase pending until we Until we have a new catchphrase that comes up. Well, he's never come up with one. Yeah, I keep trying I just can't think of any. So if you want these shirts get them fast because as of next week they could change. Yeah shirts. Get them fast because as of next week, they could change. Yeah. Thur, have you ever considered wearing a graphical teen shirt? Ooh, I don't know where I would I mean, I guess now I know where I could get one of those. But yeah, no, I would like that quite a bit like, like with like a dragon or something on it. Arnie's told us about a few from Earth that we don't sell,

but I think you should get one that says, yes, I'm drunk, but you'll still be stupid tomorrow. Right. That's, I, that sounds, what if there was one that said, I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk get drunk I fall down no problem I'm not as think as you drunk I am there you go what have you had assured that said coed naked hovering polygon inspector well hold on that's your parents. Yeah. Well, there's a lot that I

need to find out about them. Sure. Yeah. Don't talk much. Fibonacci body inspector? Yeah. Fibonacci wah-wah. That's our new shirt, everyone. We got it. See I'm not a nerd. Fibonacci Wawa. And that shirt, I hate to say it, will never leave the store. The Fibonacci Wawa design is also available on oven mitts, hospital gowns, house arrest ankle bracelet devices, and Snugglies, the official garment of giving up. Am I going to have to promote stupid new shirts every week? Is this what my life has become? Because last week's shirts are gone, and now apparently the following shirts are available in the Magic Tavern tea public store.

There's one where Yuzador says, only you can prevent drugs. There's also one where Arnie says, there are new shirts available in the merch store. And there's one where Chuntz says, catchphrase pending. Are we even trying? Is this whole thing like a dare? Is it Squid Game 2 grassroots marketing? If you want to waste your money on any of these, there's a link in the show notes. To think saying the actual credits is a relief. Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffae.

Thur the Three Hovering Rods was played by special guest John Moe. Check out John's podcasts, Depresh Mode and Sleeping with Celebrities wherever you get your podcasts. Arnie, Matt and Addle recently guested on Sleeping with Celebs if you're looking for a place to start or a specific episode to avoid. Also check out John's book, The Hilarious World of Depression, wherever books are sold. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like E2 Tuominen, Celia, Deus Ex Machina, parentheses feel free to call me anytime the show needs one, calling you right now to request a Deus Ex Satisfying Series Finale, Bubba, Sean Griffiths, Liz Burke, Jesse Flahery,

Trul Saveri Lear, Hannah Miller, and Sydney Ray. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard How did Birkenstocks go from a German cobbler's passion project 250 years ago to the Barbie movie today? Who created that bottle of red sriracha with a green top that's permanently living in your fridge?

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