Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 34 - Spintax the Warlord (w/ Charlie McCrackin, Colleen Doyle & Dana Quercioli)

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

Spintax the Green has started broadcasting his own podcast from his wizard towers in Foon and he's abducted Ahag and Giannessa as his guests. Oh, Carnival Wilson is there too.CreditsSpintax the Green: Charlie McCrackinAhag: Colleen DoyleGianessa Relkorus: Dana QuercioliCarnival Wilson: Arnie NiekampMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Each morning, it's a new opportunity, a chance to start fresh. Up First from NPR makes each morning an opportunity to learn and to understand. Choose to join the world every morning with Up First, a podcast that hands you everything going on across the globe and down the street, all in 15 minutes or less. Start your day informed and anew with Up First by subscribing wherever you get your podcasts. From the team behind American history tellers comes a new book, The Hidden History of the White House. Each chapter will bring you inside the fierce power struggles, intimate moments, and shocking scandals that shaped our nation.

From the War of 1812 to Watergate. Available now wherever you get your books. People of Earth, the following pa- that's odd. I'm getting a new podcast signal from within Foon. I'm supposed to only play, you know, the transmission we all know about. But you don't have to twist my let's call it an arm. How about we check out this other thing instead? Sit back and enjoy the suddenly much more intriguing show. So, after the music plays, you say you'll just say something like, hello from the Magic Tavern, and then you just kind of go with the podcast from there.

I say hello from the Magic Tavern? Yeah, so the music will have played and then you just say hello from the Magic Tavern, and there's probably a flourish, and that's how podcasts start. I understand how a podcast starts, but I am not in the Magic Tavern. and and that's how podcasts start. Well, I understand how a podcast starts But I am not in the magic tavern. I guess that's true. Look look spin from Building one of my twin towers Is that where we are I have I built two towers and we are in the first one of them. Okay

What is what's going on in the second one? That's the spare. The spare tower, okay. When this war eventually comes to my front gates, the swore of wizards, we will fall back to the spare tower. So Spindax, I'm just here to help produce your podcast for you. When you hire Carnival Wilson, who is a carphone of Arnie Necamp,

I have most of his memories up until about season two of his podcast. You know, I'm a pro. I'm probably one of the most preeminent podcast producers in all of food. I've helped get podpires up and running. So you're in good hands. I appreciate your curriculum Vitae,

but have you ever hosted your own behind the paywall podcast? Oh, I guess I- Because I have! I mean, I've sat in on the podcast as an imposter host pretending to be Arnie, but no, I guess I haven't. Oh, so you have hosting cred. You have credits as a host. Yeah, like one episode, probably.

Well, that's not nothing. All right, no, you know what, Spindex, you're right. I shouldn't try to turn your show into that other show. know what? Do you have your own theme song? Yes, let's probably this is Arnie's computer. Yes. This is his laptop Yeah, this is a copy of it. Let's see here. There should be a copy of my theme song in there. Okay, let's see here iTunes audio files iTunes exists anymore But let me try Apple podcasts. I am spin taxTax the Podcast!

That's a good theme song. It rocks, right? It's hardcore! It does. It's good. That's playing non-stop in Tower 2 right now. Before we're doing it, that's where the party's happening. Oh, that's a party tower?

That's the second party. The first tower is a false party. The real party goes on at tower two. Oh, such a trickster. Did I mention I'm a trickster god? Like, not really. Yes, I appreciate that. That's part of the qualities I like about you.

Just a couple of tricksters hanging out. All right, so do you have any guests lined up for your podcast? I do. My security team should be dragging them in any moment Okay, I'll just go into the production booth. I'll be on mic if you need anything from me. You can go ahead and just sort of like Do any up top spiel and bring your guests in if I get the sense while you're in that booth that you are Monking around at texting your dad or something I will not

hesitate to snap out all the oxygen just be aware okay no no I'll be I'll definitely be paying attention okay and if you say Carnival Wilson I will definitely if you need to test me I'll definitely respond I will be paying attention how many times some beings require the name to be incanted three times, others five. How many times must I spake? Carnival Wilson for him to appear. Oh, you know what? I'll just say, how about this? If you say it once, I will appear vocally. If you say my name three times, I'll come back into the room. Like then you clearly need me to like jostle a cable or something. All right, I'll follow those rules. Alright buddy, you're golden. You can do this.

Bring forth my guests! The first! Look at this! What a wonderfully decrepit old woman! Oh, thank you! For calling me woman! Oh, I thought you'd like the term wonderful first. Oh, yeah, I miss that.

Wonderful. Thank you. And of course, we've met each other before a hag. Yes, we have. Hello to you. Hello to you. Welcome to my podcast. Oh, what?

Oh, what is it? Podcast. This is a podcast. It's a special episode of the long-ago-cancelled Spintax the Podcast. Oh, I thought it was on a date. Because I get grabbed and bad-handled. Yes, well, that is the only way that I can assure that my guests will arrive on time. Oh, sold. I will not sell you. I promise. Oh, sold. I will not sell you. I promise. You are mine and I will not sell you.

Oh, OK. I like that guy. He was quiet but strong. Yes, his tongue had been removed and replaced with a lead brick. Oh, where'd you put it? The lead brick in his mouth. No, the tongue.

Oh, I keep them. Oh. On his chain. Oh, cool. I can put his tongue in my mouth and I can speak with his voice! Oh, I keep them. Oh. On this chain! Oh, cool! I can put his tongue in my mouth, and I can speak with his voice. Oh, really? Yes, his mother doesn't know what he's up to.

And I call her sometimes through resident stones, and I pretend to be him. You know, she's very worried about him. And I tell her lies. Oh. Is this what a podcast is? You've been on podcasts before, ahag. I have.

You have! You know, I don't get my pills that often anymore. They start coming down the river so I can't remember everything. Yes! You're a drug addict, I forgot. Oh, right. Thank you. You take found drugs, yes. And I brought you here because you're a hair stylist. That's right, I am. Oh, do you need a trim in a place I can't see?

Oh, every place you can see and can't see. All right. I'll get full bald if that's what's the style. I want to consult you for myself and for the entirety of my forces. I'm marshaling an army together, and I want them to look severe. Oh I could do severe. Oh I could do asymmetrical, B symmetrical, N. I've been working on N symmetrical. What's N symmetrical? Oh it's where you turn it

around and it's Z. Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Wonderful! Okay. That sounds like a versatile uniform for a militia. That's right. So if you get knocked over, your haircut's still symmetrical. Yes, and you can hide yourself. We're not the end force, we're the Z force.

Is this where I'm doing my plugs? Not yet, we'll save that for the end. Oh, okay. I just didn't know if people listen all the way through podcasts if I should do it right here. Listen, if you want to slip in your plugs natively during our conversation, I don't want to stop you from doing that. But if it feels forced, it's going to be trouble. And it won't feel good. That was one erotic sentence. Thank you very much. Speaking of erotic sentences, bring in the next prisoner guest.

What... what is going on? Don't struggle the more you fight them. My demonic forces, the stronger they get. I have to struggle. It's my character. Ease your character, woman. Sorry to call you a woman. I know that doesn't define you. It doesn't, and I use she they pronouns. What the hell am I doing here? You've been brought as a guest of honor. What? You've been brought as a guest of honor.

I heard you. I heard you. To the Twin Towers of Spintex. In preparation for the victory party. When I win the War of the Wizards. No no no no no no no. I can't be a part of this. I cannot be a part of this.

No you're going to be a party to this. A party? A victory party. You, me, no, no, no, no, no, I can't be a part of this. I cannot be a part of this. No, you're going to be a party to this. A party? A victory party. You, me, a hag? Hello! That's no way to talk about someone. Please be respectful. Oh, yeah.

And a hag? This is Gianessa. Oh, hi, Jen. Wait, I'm sorry. Your name is a hag? Yeah, that's my name. A hag or a hag? Well, okay. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Gianessa. But what the name is a hag? Yeah, that's my name. A hag or a hag?

Well, okay, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Gianessa, but what the hell is going on? Oh, we're doing a podcast. Are you here of your own volition? Uh-huh, oh, I don't know. I went on a date. It felt like a date, now I'm here. Explain yourself, Spintax, explain yourself.

Well, you are here as a guest of honor. You are, I am a fan of Law and Order just like you, and I want you, I want people to see you with me. As I campaign myself around all of food, I've taken over this section of the Southeast, and I'm renaming it Spin Taxis. It's my domain where everything is greener in Spin Taxis, and you're going to be my way into the hearts and minds

of people who are fans of law and order, because if you support me, then they'll support me. Ta-da! Also, we're gonna have a hell of a party. You're gonna love it. We'll slip through tower one, we'll make an appearance so that everyone there thinks that they're at the right party, and then we'll go to tower two.

That's where the real party's going on. Why didn't you just send an invitation if this is such a party? Why was I... Those demons are my invitation. Those were demons? I was apprehended by demons? This can't get out. This can't be public. They are housebroken demons. I've trained them. Mine's name was Gary. Yeah, that's right, Gary.

Yeah. I stripped them of their demonic names with which they were born and I gave them new names as supplicants to Spintex. Listen, I'm sorry to make this just about me right now in this moment, but I have too many jobs. People will notice that I'm gone. Nobody will do anything about it, but they'll certainly notice. Great, let them notice.

When you get back, you show them what a good time you had. I'm telling you, no harm shall come to you while you're in the Twin Towers of Spintex. All right, I'm gonna hear you out. Hang out! Have something to eat or drink. Oh, wow, what's this, hummus? Yes, that's, uh, it's a paste, much like hummus. Oh, I love paste.

I love paste. At first I thought it was just hummus. No, it's similar to hummus. So is this a job? Is that what this is? Is that what you're saying? Great question. It might turn into a job. Yes, we're also recording this as part of a podcast so that this can last forever in people's ears and minds. Hey, don't be alarmed by my voice coming in. This is Carnival Wilson. You wish you could surprise me! I'm just letting your guests know that if they need any technical support, I'm here and I'm available. I'm not just a disembodied voice, I'm a real person in another room. Carnival Wilson out!

Nice to meet you, Carnival Wilson. He's a drawing of a man. Isn't that cool? It's cool. Actually, it's very cool. So, G and S, you like your hair? I'm indifferent about it. I really don't have time to do- I can tell.

You can tell? Yeah, the indifference is coming through. Really? What would you do? Yes, name five things that you would do to your hair to improve them. Oh, I'd turn your bangs around. One.

I'd re-split your ends. Two. Two. Three. I would shock it. I'd shock the whole thing. Right into submission. Nice, you might get one of those white stripes up the middle. Yes, that was three. Four is wig. Hide it completely, subterfuge, I love it. And five is flip it up. You know, let your bottom hairs

brush them forward over your top head. Brush my bottom hairs forward over my top head? Yeah, you know your hairs that grow from down below? Wind them up through your clothes How far down below? And flip them onto your head. How far down below? All the way.

You know the place. What? Yeah. You want me to brush those upward over my head? Have you ever seen it before? Over from the front or over from the back? Horse style or elephant style? Well, I wanted to see.

Which one's which? That's for you to find out. Horse style or elephant style? Listen, I don't focus on my hair much. I really, I'm really, I don't know what horse or elephant style is as it pertains to the hair that grows down below. Well, I suppose if we work here now, we're going to get to know each other real well. I suppose. Hey, this is Carnival Wilson. I'm just butting in again. Spindex, I think this might be a community is shattered by the death of a beloved wife and mother.

But this tragic loss of life quickly turns into something even darker. Her husband had tried to hire a hitman on the dark web to kill her, and she wasn't the only target. Because buried in the depths of the internet is The Kill List, a cache of chilling documents containing names, photos, addresses, and specific instructions for people's murders. This podcast is the true story of how I ended up in a race against time to warn

those whose lives were in danger. And it turns out convincing a total stranger someone wants them dead is not easy. Follow Kill List on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Kill List and more exhibitshibit C Truecrime shows like Morbid early and add free right now by joining Wondry+. Check out Exhibit C in the Wondry app for all your Truecrime listening. I'm Tristan Redman and as a journalist, I've never believed in ghosts. But when I discovered that my wife's great grandmother was murdered in the house next door to where I grew up, I started wondering about the inexplicable things that happened

in my childhood bedroom. When I tried to find out more, I discovered that someone who slept in my room after me, someone I'd never met, was visited by the ghost of a faceless woman. So I started digging into the murder in my wife's family. And I unearthed family secrets nobody could have imagined. Ghost Story won Best Documentary Podcast at the 2024 Ambys and is a Best True Crying Nominee at the British Podcast Awards 2024. Ghost Story is now the first ever Apple Podcast series essential. Each month, Apple Podcast editors spotlight one series that has captivated

listeners with masterful storytelling, creative excellence and a unique creative voice and vision. To recognize Ghost Story being chosen as the first series essential, Wondry has made it ad-free for a limited time only on Apple Podcasts. If you haven't listened yet, head over to Apple Podcasts to hear for yourself. And we're back from break, Carnival Wilson. Despite his best efforts, will not interrupt my flow of interviewing my two guests. Sorry, did you summon me when you said my name? Audio only.

OK, yep, OK. Stay in that booth. Carnival Wilson out. I'll fill it with foam. What would that do? What would that do? The foam would crawl its way into his lungs every time he tried to breathe.

And he would slowly asphyxiate inside that small cubicle. Oh. That's not very nice. So legally speaking, it wouldn't be me that killed him. It'd be the foam. Oh, smart. Just be careful, please, what you confess to, OK? I hold several offices, a public, private.

I'm a law man. So please just, just don't get. Which private office? I've been known to hold privates as well. Oh yeah, that hairdo I was talking about. Actually, it sounds like that hairdo would hold privates. Yeah, snug. Yeah, I have to imagine it.

It really would keep them kind of in like in their own little nest. That's beautiful. You're very talented. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. I can tell by just your overall kind of aesthetic what you've got going on.

Oh yeah. Kind of like a bunch of scarves and rings, tones. Like sound tones. When you're turned around and we can't see your face, you do look like a heap of things. Right. I'm like wind chimes in garbage. Yeah, a trash pile.

I think there's a chair on your back. Oh yeah, that's my sitting chair. You just keep it on your back. Well I never know when I'm gonna need to sit down. And I think I can't get all the way down and then get back up anymore. Sure. You can't trust that there'll be a chair wherever you're going. No, no, not these days.

No, no. In fact, when I first got here I looked around and I thought I need to escape quickly. I'll just use something from that heap. But then I saw that it was you. It's me, a woman. Yeah, not a heap at all. No. Well chairs, I'll make that an issue for myself. For once I win this war of the wizards, I will expand my empire, I've decided. From the southeast, throughout all of Foon. Why don't I just take over all of Foon? Oh wow.

I'd make things better. I'd take chairs for everyone. Chairs everywhere. I love that. What else? So everybody gets a chair. I'm on board. What else?

What else do you want? I'll give everyone everything they want. Everyone can get everything they want. As long as Spin Heax is in power. I've heard this before. I have heard this a tale a thousand times. From who? Tell me who is my greatest competition.

From everyone I've ever fought. From everyone I've ever had to vanquish myself. From everyone I've ever had to detain and arrest. Everybody promises power. How do we know that you're going to stick to your word? Well, let's see, I am a master of truth. Oh, that's good. And lies.

Wait, did you secretly, did you quietly, more quietly than you said truth say and lies? Yes! So what? Yeah, to be fair, Gianessa, so what? Okay, that's a good point. He said truth louder and that worked on me! What is the truth, but the opposite of a lie? And what are lies, but the opposite of truth? They're all the same things, two sides of the same coin.

Before, if you're looking at one side of a coin and turn it over, are you not looking at the same coin? Oh, what about that? That is actually... I've never heard a phrase quite like that before, and that does actually make a lot of sense to me. Wow. Do you have any merch? Oh, anything that your eyes can see within my towers you are welcome to purchase from me.

Oh, can you put your name on it so when I go out I'm like, oh, have you heard of Mr. Slim Tax? It will say Spintax, not Slim Tax, but yes. I don't know what I, what? Slim Tax is my diet drink. Oh, I've tried that. It gave me a headache so bad I couldn't eat. That's right, because your brain is turning. That's right, that's how it felt, yeah.

Yes, I've heard of that. And the turning burns calories. That's where you drink your diet drink for breakfast and then a diet drink for lunch and then You have a sensible dinner. Yes, I remember that smoothie as another shake another drink as a snack So three three drinks total. Yes It's I admit it is a flaw that your snack has to be the same thing as two of your other meals It doesn't seem like a treat or appetizing because it's exactly the same as you've had for breakfast and lunch. Yes. But it's all I've got. Can you tell me

what the flavors are? It's green. Just green? It's green. I had the green. Mm hmm. It sounds like you had to. Oh yeah, I had to have the green. Yeah. Yeah. Mm hmm. All right, well what about if I take this like, let me see what see what I got here Oh, what's this these socks? These could be birch. You're welcome to those socks. They are Mid-thigh length very long. They're like soccer socks Perfect. I have to say it this sounds fishy because you brought us here Then you said we could have anything our hearts desire in here, but we have to pay you for it What sounds fishy about commerce? I don't want we have to pay you for it. What sounds fishy about commerce? I don't want to have to pay you.

You came and got me. Then don't take anything. Well, we should get some things on the house. Listen, I'm going to be honest with you both. You weren't brought here just to be guests on my REVITALIZED PODCAST. I've had a premonition. I am a diviner of unknowable truths, and I've had a premonition that the two of you are the key to me regaining my immortality. As you know, all the wizards of Foon, thanks to that blue bumbling buffoon Ysidor, have

lost their immortality. And I have spent months and months cowering inside my tower, a cower tower, afraid to go out. But I refuse to do that any longer. I have set across my path, the goal of regaining immortality. And the two of you are the key somehow. Oh, well, I have to tell you

that Usadori is a friend of mine, but he did kind of show his ass on the whole immortality thing. So I'm listening. He's the cause of this wizard's war and all the strife that comes from it. Every person and creature and animal that I destroy is on Usador's bill.

I mean, I just have to say this. This one thing is that you guys becoming mortal or losing immortality, I don't know if you are technically mortal, it just made you like the rest of us, so I don't feel that bad about it. Gross! What an insult! Guards, take her away!

Oh, hi. Put me down! Okay, bring her back! I forgot I need you for this thing. Yeah. Sorry. Is it my... Is it... Put me down. Oh, okay bring her back. I forgot I need you for this thing Yeah Sorry, is it is it is my secret thing in my butt? Cuz if so, this is happen to be before yeah really rude around in there go look for it Someone has told you before that they yeah search your butt. Yeah, cuz they're going on a long trip

You don't need to be a green wizard to know that that is a lie. Oh, where were you six years ago? Earth, I think. Oh. Heard of it? Heard of it? Impressed?

Yeah, I go to different worlds. I'm not impressed. I need to know what your intentions are. So you brought us both here. Hag, what do you do? What do you do? Do you have powers? Like what's your thing?

Why the two of us? Oh, what do I do? Well, I mostly run my own hair studio. You know, I'm also raising a child. You know, I keep waiting for the river to deliver me more pills. And I go on dates, surprise dates like this. More often than you think.

Having a child is one path to immortality, I'm told. Maybe that is what I need to learn from you. How to have a child. Oh, well it's not the butt thing. All right, that's a good place to start. We'll X off the butt thing. Right. At least we won't finish there.

We'll end somewhere else. Yeah, you can start there all you want, but if you want immortality, yeah, I'd complete your quest somewhere else other than there. Now really, I always heard you had to end there, but listen- It is best on a quest to end where you began. Yes. To go full circle. So if you do start your quest at the butt, you should end your quest at the butt. I just don't understand. And see how understand how you could have changed. How long will it take to leave the butt and return? Yes, there's an endless variety of places to travel from one butt until it's returned all the way around the world

Okay, so this is a this is, so this is a big quest. Yes, but what is the world but a body? I have lost the thread. Why am I here? What do you know of immortality? Very little. Well, maybe I have to mush the two of you together. Okay.

Okay, I mean, you seem nice and I... Okay, look. Okay. The thing is, it's a heck, I would be honored. No, it's fine. You're a lovely hee-hee couple woman. Thank you. It's true. But I just, I don't, were you given any specifics in this little thought you had or prophecy or whatever it was? It was not a prophecy. It was a premonition.

Okay. A prophecy is a divination of truth through supernatural means. A premonition is more of a thought or feeling that you get that is devoid of evidence or reason. You're not instilling a whole lot of confidence. I've never been wrong before about anything ever, so why would I be now? Anything ever. I'm always right and I always will be

and if I'm wrong it's because I want to be and it's a choice that I've made and no one will stop me. Because look, I'm the most powerful wizard in the south and in all of Foon. Look at me conjure these little dragons. Uh, Syntax? Yes? Away!

I just realized cause I have all these tattoos, you know, that have foretold things or told me about my past or put just a picture of the back of my head. You know, there is one on here that says Wizard War. Is that important? There is! You're like a blind spot, of course! I am? All the clues are on your body! Oh. Okay. Let me just rip these rags off. Wait! Wait! Let's get a look at them! All the clues are on your body. Oh. Let me just rip these rags off.

Wait. Wait. Let's get a look at them. This took a turn. This took a turn. Maybe you're the one that's supposed to decipher the code. Pick a side. Do you see where it says wizard war right there by my thing?

Oh, there it is. Yep. Now is that a nipple or is that a mole? I don't think. Physiologically, that could be a nipple. They usually group them together. Well I'm also I'm sorry to butt in but you've got about six of those so I don't know. Yeah sometimes I feel like I'm a cat you know.

I'm surprised you only have one child. Typically litters follow the half nipple rule. You know the half nipple rule? Yeah yeah yeah, yeah. Well, everybody knows this rule but me. Can you explain the half nipple rule to me? Sorry, this is Carnival Wilson. I also want to butt in to say I would like to know more about the half nipple rule. Carnival Wilson out. Thank you. Animals with nipples typically have litters the size equal to one half their number of nipples.

That way, the young can feast on half of them and while the others replenish and when one is down the others are free so if an animal has six nipples their litters are typically of three and humans have one child because they've got two nipples typically I don't trust you at all I don't you anywhere I don't trust what you're saying I've seen animals have litters of nine, 10, 12 puppies, cats, whatever. Those cats must have had an extraordinary number of nipples. Did you count? Cats can have up to a dozen nipples.

God, no, I didn't count. And speaking of nipples, let's go on to my second tower. There's a better party going on back there. Spintex's green party. Oh. How is that speaking of nipples? Because it's sexual. It's a sex party.

Oh, really? Is Rolf Nader there? I've got a thousand bottles of baby oil. Did you ask if Rolf Nader was there at the Green Party? Right, Rolf Nader. Rolf Nader, Jill Stein, Jill Frankenstein. She's put together from many other candidates. She doesn't have any strong enough opinions

for anyone to care about. Is her name Jill Frankenstein or is it really Jill Dr. Frankenstein's monster? I find her boring and I will not ask her. Fair. All right, I mean, they say never go to a second location with somebody who's just abducted you, but Hag, if you're gonna go, I guess I'll go. I don't know what to do.

What a ridiculous saying! As if you had a choice! You've been brought to one location! How can you stop yourself from being brought to another one? Give me a break! I'm not used to being someone's hostage! You're not a hostage! You're free to go whenever you'd like! After you've given me what I need! Oh, well. That sounds pretty hostage-like. sorry, Hag, I didn't mean to interrupt you. No, no, I just said now that I'm nude, I'll go to any party.

I'd say I don't know what to wear, but now I don't. I gotta say, I really respect you. I really respect you. Yeah. Really? Yeah, you're just walking around so proudly. And now that I see all these tattoos and what may or may not be so many nipples, I think you're pretty cool.

I think I respect you a lot. Oh I'm glad to be working together. Yeah well we'll see I'm not sold on this I don't know what my rights are here but I'm not sold. Well let me tell you something I get a bad case of the Mondays so look out. What happens? What happens? What happens on Mondays?

I'm a real grump. I'm a real grump. Don't talk to me. It occurs to me that we haven't finished reading your tattoos. Oh, yeah. We found the Wizards War. Yeah. I'm not seeing a lot of other pertinent information. Oh, let me bend over.

Whoa. Hello. Whoa, what is that? If you could read this, the bitch fell off. What does that mean? All right, let's bring your whole illustrated body to the other party Janessa come with us too I promise nothing no harm shall befall you while you're in tower 2 sure come to my sex party my green sex party no harm will befall you all right fine hey why don't we quickly go to break and when we come back maybe we'll move to the second tower how about when we come back, maybe we'll move to the second tower. How about when we come back, we'll be in the second tower? Oh, even better. Karma Wilson out.

Let's go to break. We'll be right back. What's up, everybody? It's Jason Kelsey, and I'm here with my slightly famous little brother, Travis, AKA Big Yeti Kelsey. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're here to bring you a next level entertainment experience with our show, New Heights. We're covering all the hardest hitting topics in order of importance, UFO sightings, the

ideal PB and J combo, and of course, next level access to life inside the NFL and in the booth. Listen and watch New Heights wherever you get your podcasts. And if you want to listen to us first without any interruptions and get bonus content, join One 3 Plus in the One 3ery App Apple Podcasts or Spotify. How did Birkenstocks go from a German cobbler's passion project 250 years ago to the Barbie movie today? Who created that bottle of red sriracha

with a green top that's permanently living in your fridge? Did you know that the Air Jordans were initially banned by the NBA? We'll explore all that and more in The Best Idea Yet, a brand new podcast from Wondery and T-Borg. This is Nick. This is Jack.

And we've covered over a thousand episodes of pop business news stories on our daily podcast. We've identified the most viral products of all time and their wild origin stories that you had no idea about. From the Levi's 501 jeans to Legos, come for the products you're obsessed with, stay for the business insights that are going to Legos. Come for the products you're obsessed with. Stay for the business insights that are gonna blow up your group chat. Jack, Nintendo, Super Mario Brothers,

best-selling video game of all time. How'd they do it? Nintendo never fires anyone, ever. Follow the best idea yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to the best idea yet early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. All right, I have to be in here with you.

I have the mobile rig for the second location. But just pretend I'm not here. I will. I will forget that you exist. And I have asked everyone at this party to do the same. You are not a participant. Am I allowed to get drinks? You can get drinks, but you can't get drunk. You are not a participant. Am I allowed to get drinks? You can get drinks, but you can't get drunk. You're working. Okay, fair. You ladies, Gianessa,

ahag, you can drink whatever you want, eat whatever you want. You see, the floor is filled with copulating monsters of different sizes and stoutnesses and whatnot and they are all yours as much as you'd like. Oh Will that be past spaghetti? Hmm as in past like shared or spaghetti from the past its prime. I hate waste No, we know we're pretty good at eating spaghetti before it's Its expiration date, but I think we can find I can find some sort of a spell to drastically age some spaghetti for you mmm perfect thank you zing zim zala bim here you are thank you crunchy wow wow yes isn't it funny

that if you let it sit out long enough, the pasta gets hard again. How delightful, the circle of life. Speaking of immortality. Yes. So the pasta started as a butt and then it's back to a butt. That's right. And after a brief refractory period, it gets hard again. I have to tell you, Spintex, I don't know where to put my eyes. I don't know.

I don't know where to put my eyes. There's a lot. Put them in. There's a lot going on. I don't know where to send them. Keep your eyes out of it. I'd say you'll get you'll get pink eye for sure Yeah, there's other things. Yeah, I don't want to get it. I don't want to get it. I don't want to fish disease I don't know you a fish. Are you no that might be something? I'm not a fish, but I'm also not. If you're a fish, you have to tell me. I'm not a fish. But I am a person of the law.

But you don't care about that? Well, there's nothing illegal going on here. Well, some of this stuff should be. I've never seen anybody go to town on somebody like what's happening all around us right now. These people didn't just go to town. They went to City Hall! They went to town.

They went to the country. They went to City Hall. They went to they went to town. They went to the country. They went to City Hall They went to the palace. They were they're going big. They're going big tourists. I'll tell you right now No, this is not for tourists what we're watching And like I said, I have a thousand bottles of baby oil cold pressed from fresh babies Well take one down pass it around. Listen, I'd love a drink. Can you just summon me something? Anything at all. Fried oil. I don't wanna drink baby oil.

Oh, all right. It's fresh, I did say. Fresh babies? I need something that has alcohol in it. Fresh baby oil. All babies are fresh. But it's the oil made from fresh babies, correct? Yes, crushed babies.

Yes, I don't want to drink that. Thank you so much. I don't think I brought this up. You did. This is not the truth. But here's a drink. I'll get you one right now. All right.

It's fine. Okay. What do you want? I don't want those copper mug drinks. I bet you'd like that. That's what you're looking for. Copper mug. Copper mug.

Oh, sure. A copper mug. A Moscow mule. Something like that. Yes. If you hand me an actual donkey or something I'm going to be very upset. I don't, please don't be literal, please I just want some alcohol to drink right now. You want, you want a non, what like a vegan mule? Mule substitute? Just send me, just give me something. I'm afraid, I'm so afraid. But go ahead. Find RANDOM OSCULUM DORMENTUM! Here you are!

Thank you. Now, I know it's bubbling and steam is coming off the top, but it's very cold! So beware! Blow on it. Don't blow on it! Oh no, I blew on it! I blew right on it! What happens? Hold on, hold on. I'm gonna make a force field around us.

Sorry to all these troops... that are... dissolving... around us. I'm not in the force field! I'm not in the force field! Ah, Ca- Ca- Carnival Wilson! Carnival Wilson! Carnival Wilson! Oh! Oh, okay.

Oh, God. Did- Was the equipment damaged out there and the acid missed? I think some of our social media stuff got destroyed. That's worthless anyway. Janessa, you have stumbled upon a great weapon for me in my warfare. And you were gonna just, like, let me drink that? I didn't tell you. I told you not to blow on it.

Yes, but I had told me to blow on it! You blew on it! Yes, but I had told me to blow on it moments before. She beat you to it. The two of you combined to now arm me with a weapon of mass destruction that will melt the faces and bodies of all my enemies, just like my now depleted army, which is melting as it copulates around us.

How much of the road? Thank you, army is here currently melting? Right one third. I always I operate on a one-third system one third is out guarding the perimeter one third is out pillaging Villages nearby and the other third is resting Rejuvenating and usually having sex in this second tower. Oh, I thought you were gonna say reducing. Why? Just because it's another R? That's not what I'm about.

I'm not about Rs. And alliteration. I am about power. Oh. Control. Oh, true. Sounds like, gee, this and I did something good, huh? Yes, absolutely.

I will make the two of you generals of my army. You can come forth and lead my troops, destroying villages, kingdoms, counties and whatnot. Okay, quick question. I was thinking maybe more for me. HR. What, are you spelling something out? Oh yeah, higher relations. Higher relations. And what sort of role would that do for me? What service would that provide me and my armies? Oh well, you know when they have complaints like, oh you melted us, or you know I didn't get to finish, or I wasn't reducing, you know, I was resting, or...

You know, then I'd say, oh, well, let's talk about it. What can I do, you know, to make your experience here better? And then you would tell me who was complaining, and then that person would suffer my wrath! Yeah, yeah! That's what HR is! I think you found a place for yourself here, a hag! Oh, that's exciting. That's what each of us. I think you found a place for yourself here a hang. Oh That's exciting. I Don't know where I would fit in here I'm just gonna say it I can't tell if I'm overqualified or under qualified to do any of this stuff

Mmm, Jim, I'm so sorry to butt in But I have back in my memories of Arnie's life on earth done a little bit of hiring here and there of Arnie's life on Earth, done a little bit of hiring here and there. Giannessa, I'm just curious, if you had to imagine for yourself what work you would want to do, maybe that's something that you could bring to Spintax's army. Can I tell you something? What's a job you want to have? I have all of them. I have all of them already. I've done all of them. I guess, I don't know, I went on my first vacation recently and I love that.

I don't know, I thought I was slowing down but now I have to, what, train people or fight or leave an army? Is that what you'd like to do? You can do any or all of those things. Don't you feel tired of being this bastion of morality? Wouldn't you like to have a dalliance with immortality? Oh, why would I be? Wait, sorry, amorality?

I'm looking for immortality. Right, but not, you won't give it to us. If I had it to give, I'd give it to myself, goddamn it. I understand that. I pretty much can understand who you are as a person. Oh, you think you know me? You think you know me? You're on my show, lady. Sorry to call you a lady. I know that's not all that you are as a person? Oh, you think you know me you think you know me? Oh, you're on my show lady

Sorry to call you a lady. I know that's not all that you are. Yes. Thank you I again don't identify as solely a woman, but I just You just gave me something to drink that killed a third of your army I don't understand why you think I'm the one to help you I mean sometimes sure I wish I could kill the people that worked for me but I don't. What if you could? Yeah may I step in as HR? Yeah. What I'm hearing Gina says you say this wasn't in my job description. Yes. Right so but maybe I write I say back to you did you have one? Actually no I didn't. Right. I didn't have a job description

No, is it fair to say that you know what happened? You know does fit within a job description of a job if it did your job doesn't have a description Okay, hear me out. The thing is I don't think I was given that drink as a part of the job I was given a drink that killed a lot of people. At a work function? Well, it may or may not be a work function. I haven't accepted anything yet. Oh, I think you got dragged here pretty clearly.

And you consented to walk from tower one to tower two, so at least we know you're interested. So? Listen, I need recruitment. I just lost a third of my forces. These other wizards are banging at my gates. You've got to help me marshal more forces. Tell me one good thing you've ever done.

Oh, one good thing I've ever done. Aheg, you too. One good thing he's ever done? No, one good thing you've ever done. If I'm going to even consider joining this team, which I may or may not be doing, I need to know there's some good here I may or may not be doing. I need to know there's some good here. It can't all be evil.

Oh. Hmm. I abdicated my throne when I realized I didn't want it. What? What throne did you have? I was really small. We got there. I didn't like it because I was bored. And that's a good thing? Uh, pass. You're up Splinter! My name is Arukosaki! No, sorry, forget that. That's not Splinter's name. One good thing I've done, one good thing I've done. Well, let's see. When I was on Earth, I

tamed and trained a pack of coyotes and I treated them well. To do what? They rode around on hoverboards and strapped to drones until I killed them all and sewed them together into a monster that was my friend. And then I let him go and they turned back into coyotes. So again, butthole to butthole, full circle. That's pretty good

So, okay Okay, it's not so how is that landing with you Gina? It's not great. It's not great. Thank you for asking It's not that great. Mm-hmm Has there ever been a thing that you didn't do that was self-serving? Have you done anything for anybody else or is it always been for you? Because I am a person who does everything for everyone I am NOT a person for myself. Why? Because I'm a fool. Oh So maybe what you could write down is my goals this year are to be less like that

If you're gonna make me do self evaluations, I will not take this job. I will not. We prefer people who are team players who go above and beyond and really invest in our culture. No, this is when you're gonna tell me that there is a culture here, but it's not. It's not a culture. We're a family! We're a family! You're not a family. And speaking of, where is your child? I don't know. Yes, where is your child? Um, I want to say... above ground. Yes, where is your child? Um I want to say

above ground Okay, I'm listening Yeah, I'm not sure. Is it a plump child? Oh yeah. Yeah, he's plump as heck. Whoo You know it's almost like his little thermometer came out. Do you know what I mean? I Absolutely do It's okay if you don't. It's okay if you don't. This shouldn't surprise anyone, but I don't. Well, you never roasted a child. You don't change the subject. No, I've never roasted a child.

I've actually tried to prevent people from roasting child's child children. So this is why I am a little bit- Sounds like a strength. Listen, I do everything for the good of Spintax because a powerful Spintax is good for Foon. Why? Because who gives a shit about Foon if there's no fucking green wizard man?

I mean, come on, everybody loves spin-tax, right? Look at this, look at what I've done, look what I can do. Towers from the ground, multiple towers! I can build them all over the place. I can reinvent food. I can give everyone their own tower and fill it with all the gold. But would you?

I might. This is the problem. You can do all these things, but would you? Would you only do good things for Spintax? You want me to train people to fight for you? What am I fighting for, just for you? So that you can get whatever you want. But I don't think you're gonna give me whatever I want.

You just tried to poison me with a drink. I think what you want is a break from all this oppressive morality. You know I can remove your will. I could put you in my thrall and give you the freedom to be as evil, as mean, as selfish and debaucherous as you could imagine, just so that you could get it out of your system. Oh really, with a snap of a finger you could just do something like that to me?

Yes! Not that snap, but I could snap two other fingers. These two. Who are you? Oh, I may have wiped her whole brain. Ow. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know this, I know this. I am Spintex the Green, master of the third, ninth, and twelfth realms of Ephesius, wielder of arcane forces, compelling the living and the dead, diviner of unknowable truths, caster of illusions, destroyer of

lies, imbiber of the nine deadly poisons, dissolver of the wall of fire, author of the pandanama con, and winner of the wizard's choice award! The dwarves know me as Nickelback Silverchair, the angels know me as Mama Cassiel, the vampires know me as Cameron Orlando, and in the south I am known as Lodestone Greatcraft. And there are many other names of which I could regale you of stories on the battlefield as we lay waste to all of Foon and the other wizards. Who do I have to kill?

Everyone, anyone? I don't know why, but I don't feel bad right now, and I will do what you ask me to do. I should have done this at the start. A hag? Yeah, this is gonna make my job a breeze. and I will do what you ask me to do. I should have done this at the start. Oh yeah. Yeah, this is gonna make my job a breeze. Yeah, could you design some clothes for Gianessa? This can be some sort of dark Gianessa. Oh.

Some sort of inverted color scheme and do her hair different, maybe slick it all black. All black. I'll slick it all black. I'll slick it all black. I'll slick it all black. Oh yeah, and I can picture the garments now. I'll pick them out of my heap. You know what I mean? I got a lot of stuff in that heap that you

peeled off me. Wonderful. Give her a little goat tea so we know. She has the beginnings of one. I can finish it. Yeah, just darken that up a little bit. She's got a little billy goat going on. Just a couple stray wire ones. I've been trying to grow it out for some time now. Thank you. I really appreciate your help. You got it. Spintax. I've been trying to grow it out for some time now. Thank you I'd really appreciate your help. You got it spin tax. I'm sorry to interrupt Do you mind looking over some of this sponsor copy? The just to make sure that they're ads that you're you're comfortable with having on the show. I have to read ads If you just look it over we can record them later

Oh and jeanessa could could I, Evil Gianessa, could I speak to you privately for a second while he looks over that stuff? Yes. Better help. I don't know if I can do this. Does this gonna snap you out of it? You're making silly music with your fingers.

I guess so. I'm sorry, look, I'm not good, I'm not evil. I'm just a trickster god, and if I'm gonna be running his podcast, I feel like I have to betray him in at least some sort of small way, so I'm gonna try to help you escape, but I don't know how to like, unevil your mind.

Okay. I'm not feeling any particular loyalty to anyone. I think something's really fucked up with me right now, and I'll do whatever. You wanna get outta here, I'll sell that guy immediately. I'll sell him out. Okay, all right, so I guess you can escape with your brain fucked up.

I guess that's not the end of the world. I don't, are there any other options? Cause I guess this is what we gotta do. Let me just try hitting your head really hard and seeing if that does anything. Okay, hit really hard. I'm going to use this statue. Ugh!

Oh, God! Oh! What's going on over here? Are you guys fighting? Knock it off! Get away! Separate! Oh, hey, no! No touching! No toka! No, no, no. We're not doing anything. Gonna have to fill out an accident report.

Great. Oh shit, paperwork. Take me to the place where that happens. That's your department, DeHag? Yeah, where's my office? Your office? Yeah. Intermosculum!

Wait, that's the other one. Let's see, what's the other one? No, no, no, I want him to take me there. Wait. I want this guy to take me. Oh yeah, I'll take you. Let this guy take me. Yeah, I can do Carnival Wilson. I'm this guy to take me. Oh yeah, I'll take you. I'll take you. Let this guy take me. Yeah, I can do Carnival Wilson.

I'm a trickster god. Okay, yeah, follow me. Okay. Okay. How is your brain feeling? Don't understand what I'm seeing. I can't really work my eyes very well and I don't know my name,

but for some reason I feel safe with you. Okay, well you shouldn't because I'll probably also betray you. But here, I think the best way to escape, here's a parachute, put this on, and then you jump out that window. You can parachute down to the ground, and you can escape, I think, before he can martial

the two thirds of his forces to go after you. Okay, what's, can I ask you something real personal? Well, yeah, I'll probably lie, but. What's pouring out of my head right now? Is it my own blood? It's someone else's, so I wouldn't worry about it. Okay. Yeah, you should have seen the other guy.

Okay, thank you, thank you so much. I'm just gonna hop right out. Later losers! Thank you so much. I'm just gonna hop right out. Later losers! I feel bad about lying about that parachute, but she probably survived. Did you hear that, Ahag? Oh yeah, yeah I did. I hear that a lot though. Is that me? Is it coming from my head? Or can you hear it too?

If it's coming from your head, I can hear it. Uh oh, it's getting worse. I should let you know I've made copies of you as we've walked around in here. Oh great, yeah, cause sometimes you know, that, what am I trying to say? That makes sense. I use the magic for my multifaceted gemstone to duplicate you. I like to have copies of people in case I need to kill them or in case I may need to make them doubt That they are the real versions of themselves and other people can take over things like that. I always wanted a sister Well, you should never meet it'll blow your mind

Okay. All right Over there your copies over there, which is actually in a in a jail cell The both of them are over there in jail cells. I'm keeping them as part of a collection that I'm making. Oh, cool. I collect all those little porcelain things that have sharp edges. Broken porcelain?

Oh yeah, broken porcelain. That's what I collect. It's too hard to keep it in one piece. You know, if it's a long-term collection, it should be broken. Yeah, if they're coming down the river right right ever swallow a piece of porcelain thinking it's a pill but it's a jagged little pill oh isn't that ironic I swallowed a dish okay yeah one time I swallowed a packing peanut

styrofoam oh oh fear and anxiety because I didn't know what was gonna do to me I think that's part of the adventure of taking pills you find. So what are the holidays going to be like around here? We celebrate all holidays by working twice as hard. Oh, okay. We know that our enemies will be relaxing, we offer truce, truces and ceasefires, but we do not honor them. Okay. Oh, I just had an idea. You know, I like this. I haven't worked in an office in a long time.

Do you think you could send one of my copies back to Cut Hair? I'd hate to lose my clients. Certainly, and to look after your plump little boy. Yeah, well, he's good for a while. Like I said, he's plump and he could take some time off. All right, you stay here with me. I'll send the copies of you and G&S are back

to where they come from until they get a better sense of what this premonition means. So they can get ahold of you both and rip immortality from the two of you somehow. Oh yeah. I still think I might have to smush you together. Okay. Make some sort of a poultice out of your bodies.

You know, I'm into it until you get your post-monition. I'll be here and if it makes smooshin', if smooshin' is the secret sauce, I'm into it. Well, you know, that's the phrase that ends every episode. You know what that time that is? When you smoosh the thing on the top of it. We know that we're coming to a close and all you spin tax fans out there send in letters to uh puppies at email.com or whatever it is uh and uh send money via venmo codes and qr things so we can all live happily ever after and i can fund my army carnival that's great let's see let me make sure I save this. I deleted it all.

Oh no! Well let's take it from the top! Okay, so after the theme song plays, you say hello from the Magic Tavern. I say hello from the Magic Tavern? Yeah, this is how podcasts start. But we're not in the Magic Tavern! Am I here yet? Well, are we happy with what we wished for? I suppose we can debate this for the rest of our lives. It can be a whole Last Jedi kinda thing. Who were all those C-listers? Spintax the Green was played by Charlie McCracken. Ahag the Hairstylist was played by Colleen Doyle.

Gianessa was played by Dana Querccioli. Check out Colleen and Dana's hilarious podcasts, those who ant wherever you get your podcasts. Carnival Wilson was played by fresh new talent on the scene, Arnie Niekamp. Oh yes, the podcast is taking two weeks off. What is this crawling across my face? I believe it's called a smile! For your emotionally complicated North American Earth holiday, Thanksgiving. So for the next two Mondays we'll drag some previously exclusive bonus content out from

behind the Patreon paywall and post it to the main feed, then we'll be back with a new episode on Monday December 2nd, the holiday gift nobody wanted. Speaking of the Patreon, Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Sailor, GoldenCyborg72, Adrian, Zugarot, JKJ, SkirtingOutASKER, not a vowel to be found in that utterance, DeadlySeriousOscar, well Oscar, if you want to avoid laughing, you've come to the right place, EvenPeterson, Skyler L, and Kat Hughes. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs

and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the latest bonus episode of video where Arnie Matt, Brooke Bright, Ryan DeGiorgi and someone named Tim Sniffin play the Jackbox Naughty Pack with Patreon supporters on the discord. I didn't understand any of those words. Here's the clip. Oh shit. You got pretty good answers.

I was dying. I was like, would anyone? Somebody please put two. Yeah. Well, well, Brooke and Arnie could have an excuse. I, minor tool. They're past that. I'm not wiping any asses.

I opened the video again, just say I was trying to get a look I don't know who to pick Never Ryan. Oh, no, what was I? Just What a polite accusation no, although I do know for a fact that sniffing never wipes his ass so he's You know why because it tells a story it's like I do know for a fact that Sniffin never wipes his ass, so he's probably... He should have been a zero. You know why? Because it tells a story. It's like the rings of an oak tree. Ew!

Oh! To hear the rest, shudder. Or watch the rest. And to learn more about supporting the show, visit Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Looking for one more reason to join the Patreon? Season 3 of Shadow City with Anthony Burch starts on the Magic Tavern Patreon later this month. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate Producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Look at you Anna, picking up the hammer and tongs and stepping right up to the forge. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. For more than two centuries, the White House has been the stage for some of the most dramatic scenes in American history. Inspired by the hit podcast American History Tellers, Wondery and William Morrow present

the new book, The Hidden History of the White House. Each chapter will bring you inside the fierce power struggles, the world-altering decisions, and shocking scandals that have shaped our nation. You'll be there when the very foundations of the White House are laid in 1792, and you'll watch as the British burn it down in 1814. Then you'll hear the intimate conversations burn it down in 1814. Then you'll hear the intimate conversations between FDR and Winston Churchill as they make plans to defeat Nazi forces in 1941.

And you'll be in the Situation Room when President Barack Obama approves the raid to bring down the most infamous terrorist in American history. Order The Hidden History of the White House now in hardcover or digital edition wherever you get your books.