Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 35 - Magic Bean (w/ Lisa Gilroy)

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

Meet Beanla the adorable talking bean with one day left to live.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiBeanla: Lisa GilroyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandTickets to SF Sketchfest HERE!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Kill List is a true story of how I ended up in a race against time to warn those who lives were in danger. Follow Kill List wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Kill List and more Exhibit C true crumb shows like morbid, early and ad free right now by joining Wandery Plus. Each morning it's a new opportunity, a chance to start fresh. Up first from NPR makes each morning an opportunity to learn and to understand. Choose to join the world every morning with Up First, a podcast that hands you everything going on across the globe and down the street, all in 15 minutes or less. Start your day informed and anew with Up First by subscribing wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you for visiting the space previously occupied by Hello from the Magic Tavern. In this new series, small town, cozy murder, movie reviews, and sometimes think pieces, every demographic should find something they- hang on, I'm being handed a piece of paper. So we're gonna do more of the other thing? Did you not get my email? Or the follow-up email? Okay, so we've learned nothing. Got it.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, but its ability to ignore market research sure is. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine and a half years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical land of food

And I'm joined as always by my cousin chump the talking badger. Oh Yeah, cuz II how you doing bud? How you doing cuz oh wait, I forgot are we are we're cousins now I think honey real talk are we cousins. I think we are I don't remember why I just know that a few weeks back we I think we are. I don't remember why. I just know that a few weeks back we Kissed. Just either... no. We're not kissing cousins. Okay. We gotta leave a little possibility.

Unless... unless... Sorry, I was just hitting a high note. Let's try to see if the glass would break. Let's try singing that with our faces a little closer to each other So close maybe next week maybe next tune in folks How about this chunk? We should start a new thing at the beginning of every episode. Yeah Where we hum with our lips closer and closer every week. Yes, we start every episode with a Hummer. Mm-hmm. Just two dudes humming away Yeah, getting closer and closer a big will they won't they until eventually?

fade to black Exactly. Oh Arnie say that again Exactly. Okay. I'm gonna write this down I don't know if I told you I'm trying to write a book about Just about all the food and like your whole deal being here and everything. So just trying to make sure I get all your catchphrases. Exactly. Exactly. Okay. So just to be clear, you're writing a book about all the food or about me? Well, it's about you being in food. Because you know how you're always saying like we have to monetize everything.

Everything is content. Yes. Yes. So I thought, thought you know if at some point we figure out the Reopening of a portal and like we have guests from Earth who can like come in like See where Arnie lived and like where he like pooped standing up and like everyone's like taking these tours When they leave they have to go the portal will build a gift shop right in front of the portal So they have to exit through it and we sell a book called Goodbye from the Magic Tavern And it's just sort of a compendium of all the fun crazy shit. You've been up to that's fantastic. What do you have so far? So I have there's a chapter called Arnie's catchphrases and number one is exactly So, okay

You might want to write that down because I say okay a lot as well, okay, okay exactly Okay, then sure all right And what do we think we'll charge for this? Too much like a free pamphlet like it. Yeah, what I know it's gonna be free What are whatever we charge is gonna be too much? Yeah too much. Yeah Um, I would introduce my other co-hosts, but unfortunately you sit or isn't here. Yeah, too much. Yeah. I would have introduced my other co-hosts, but unfortunately, Ysidor isn't here. Yeah, he's off, um, I think he's like helping a tree out? Right?

Yeah, he said he had to go help a tree. He said he had to help a tree out. I couldn't tell if he was just making up a lie, because he was, we were like, where are you going, Ysidor? And he said, I'm going to help a tree out yeah and he said it after looking around the room for like four minutes and at some point he looked out a window yeah he looked around the room and then he slowly walked over to the window looked out the window for a minute and came back and then shrugged and said I'm gonna I'm going to

help a tree out how's my Isidor impression by the way? Um honestly pretty fucking hot. Thank you cuz. Yeah I wish Usador actually sounded like that let me try let me try. I'm going to help a tree out. So fucking hot. What is it? Is Usador hot and we didn't realize it? Well Usador's absolutely been hot the whole time. Okay. Remember that time when you tried to like, take off his glasses and clean the bird shit off his robes, and you're like, you're hot now. Yeah, he was suddenly all that.

He was hot the whole time. Oh, I see. But here's the thing, when people are sort of naturally attractive, we have to add mystique. We have to say like, they have a certain something something about them. Right? There's just something mystique. We have to say like, they have a certain something, something about them, right? There's just something about them. They have an energy. We all know what it is.

They're naturally attractive. And that's what Ysidor has. It's magic. Oh, okay. Yeah. He might be meeting up with Jin Levia, to be honest. Oh, yeah. Help a tree out.

I don't know what that use was. Wink, wink. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Excuse me. Do you hear? Do you hear that noise? Excuse me. I don't know what yeah, that you think yeah. Oh, yeah, excuse me Do you hear do you hear that noise? Excuse me. Yeah, it sounds like it sounds like someone I don't see this an adorable Whoa, what's this?

Hi, I'm trying to get up on this bar stool, but it's too high for me. Can you help me get up? Hello. Can I hang with you? I'm trying to get up on this bar stool but it's too high for me. Can you help me get up? Um. I'll climb up, it's okay. We should help her, it's so adorable to watch. So I can climb up, it's okay, don't touch me, don't help me.

Ow, ow, ow. This might take a while. It's taking every ounce of my energy. It's made no progress, really. Okay, stop staring at me. Okay. Oh, um, yeah, let's turn around. Help me, don't help me. Help me, help me, help me. Help me, help me.

Here I'm gonna get underneath you and blow. I'm gonna get underneath you and blow. Ahhhhhhh. Oh thank you. You're welcome and yeah you can sit here. The seat's not taken. What are you? I'm a bean. What are we doing boys?

We're talking, we're doing impressions. I'm gonna go help a tree out. I'm a bean. What are we doing boys? We're talking we're doing impressions. Oh, I'm gonna go help a tree out I can I can say it. I was just listening from the ground Pretty good. Yeah, do you know you sit or the blue wizard? No, does he does he host a talk show or something? He co-hosts. He co-hosts. Yeah. Yeah, is he on after school? What I've seen him He's on during school. Yeah, are you a are you a kid? Are you a I'm a bean. So I guess I'm 42 days old. So maybe I'm a kid in bean years But bean years go by seven times seven. So seven times seven is 40

beans Days old. Yeah, 43 days. Okay, and do you go to like a little school? Well beans don't really get educated so good these days I don't know if you guys have been reading the um the I want to say the scrolls the scrolls the bean scrolls yeah you guys read the bean scrolls are they too small for you to read I gotta be honest I read the regular sort of news scrolls every single day I get it you're big and you can read all the big words and you have a big newspaper.

I'm a bean, okay? I can't read regular. I can't read regular scroll. Huh. Yeah, I was just gonna say I've never seen a single news story about a bean ever. Figures. Yeah. Nobody really gives a care about our community.

John, I've never seen you read the news scrolls. I read them. Whenever it comes up, you're like, I read the news scrolls every day, but I don't... I've never seen you read the news scrolls. I read them. Whenever it comes up, you're like, I read the news scrolls every day, but I don't, I've never seen you read the news scrolls. Well, typically in the bathroom, and then I flush them down so nobody else can read them. You flush your news scrolls down the toilet? Yeah.

That's not very good for the pipes. That's terrible. So that's why I was just asking if you've read bean scrolls, because you could read the bean scrolls, but I can't read your big scrolls, because like, for example, a letter H is like the size of me. So how am I supposed to read a whole sentence? Yeah, that is fair.

So what's, what's- And just imagine a capital H, even worse. Oh my God, towering. Exactly. What's going on in the bean world? What's the good bean news? Well, I'm afraid there's not been much good be news lately I'm kind of a being on my own at the at this point. I've fallen out of someone's pocket Anna

I've just taken to kind of living in the tavern eating crumbs. You might think the beans don't eat but we eat we crumbs. Oh And is that see you if I look there's a crumb over here Could I see you eat this if I sort of push it? Not for free pervert Arnie pay the bean I had a nickel for every time I've heard that now do beans have feet. Yeah, I got bean feet Wow a little Arnie the bean produce a little top hat and cane Wow, yeah, and did you see the smoke coming up from my little bean feet because I tap dance so fast that was fast It's true. Yeah, well pay me pay me for that

Are you is there if you tap dance fast enough for is there danger of you baking yourself? Is that a baked bean joke? That's not really appropriate. No, I have money for my tap dance more of a big bean concern Yes, I want to pay you But I feel like this coin would crush you. What do you what do beans use as money? I I use coins just like you guys I have a coin sled Oh, it's made of a leaf and a piece of hair and I pull the coin behind me and I can use it to trade And shop at shops just like you. Oh fuck. I thought you're gonna say like we we use whispers as currency or something

We use whispers as currency or something. Yeah, okay. What's you dig around here? Well, just like can you believe this guy he's like I thought I don't read the newspaper I flush it down the toilet Oh and beans probably use whispers for currency. It's like I don't know at a certain point It's like you have the privilege of being tall and so act like it. Yeah. Wow, I've never been called tall before I will try and do better. Do you have a name? A Beanla. Beanla? And that's short for? It's long for Bean. Oh! Yeah!

Beanla. And I was with my sisters when I fell out of the pocket. And so if they come on through or if you see any other Beans, I have two sisters named Megan and one named Sarah. And if they come on by, please let them know I'm here waiting for them. Wait a second, your sisters are named Megan and Sarah and your name is Beanla? Yeah, we're triplets.

Huh, who was born first? That's not how triplets work. What are your guys' names? Well, my name is Chunt, I'm a badger, a shapeshifter. No and my name is Arnie I'm a human I'm from another world. Oh okay so I'm gonna do to you what you just did to me. Wait his name is Chunt and your name is Arnie? Feels bad right? Yeah well also basically how I've always people always react to my name. Your name is Arnie? You have a weird name. It is a weird name. What does it mean?

Oh yeah, what does Arnie mean? Yeah, look, Arnie is short for Arnold, although I don't answer to Arnold, which I believe means like eagle or something. Hmm, you should probably look into that because eagle is very specific and for you to say I think it means eagle is kind of wild. Yeah. What does Chunt mean well Chunt has many meanings but it comes from the old Phoonish word Chont which

is to take a chance have you guys ever been to Gardener Garrison's garden that's where I grew up oh no what does Beanla mean Beanla means the bean in Latin that's actually pretty good that's's actually awesome. And see how I didn't need to take a whole chapter to say it? Yeah. Oh, I should be writing this down. Beanla, do you mind being in a book? Beanla the Bean, being in a book? Why yes, please. I would love to have my legend be transcribed for all to see. Oh, sorry. Can you, can you move? Can you get out of the book? Sorry, I just meant like, do you mind being written about? Oh, oh, I thought you said, do you mind being written about? Oh Oh, I thought you said do you mind being written about? Well, I said do you mind being in a book?

And then you jumped in my book. Yeah, can I get in the book? I'm cold. I need a place to sleep Well here, let me I'll rip out one page and you can use that as like a blanket or a whatever I don't know what a bean would use a piece of paper John you ripped out the page that you wrote my catchphrases on Yeah, I think it's time to start fresh. Exactly. Thanks. This is a great gift. I could I could fold this into an airplane or a sailboat or I could fold it into anything if I was strong enough to fold it into anything.

Oh, Arnie, I should say, I've been bragging to everyone that my friend on his home planet has airplanes, which are like big metal birds. And so everyone's like really into those. Okay. Seems like word has spread. They're like a boat but for clouds and the sails are wings and this and the captain's turn style is a is buttons. I started this information don't tell me about it. Oh I doubt you started this information. I bet you've never even seen one. Uh Ornie tell Beanla that I have Have you we were in we were in Ohio, right? Yeah, it's true in the 80s, but we weren't close to an airport What's 80s? It's a time period. It's like

Future past it's in the past But it keeps coming back. It's it's like imagined the greatest time like childhood time Oh, yeah in the 80s bracelets slap you That sounds so funny. I wish I could make it to the 80s, but beans only live for 44 days 43 yeah Oh, I guess I'm spending my last day with you two guys, which kinda sucks for me. Oh! God, this is...

Beanla... Here's what we'll do. Arnie, why don't we take a quick break, and when we come back, let's try and give Beanla, like, the best last day ever? Sure! Yeah. Beanla, does that sound good? Yeah, I guess so.

If you can stop being so condescending. Sure. I'll try. Yeah, I'll try. Okay, thanks. I'm looking forward to it. Are we talking a full day? We talking a full day. New Ernie Kitchler. Hello, this is Simon Mayo.

And this is Mark Kermode. He's the UK's best and most trusted film critic. He's a bestselling writer, broadcaster, and national treasure. Far too kind. Kermit and Mayo's Take has all the reviews you need. And star guests such as Sir Ian McKellen.

Nice to be with you. Emma Stone. That sounds like something I would love to be a part of. Ewan McGregor. I'm very good, how are you doing? Kate Blanchett. What was that word you used? Cattywampus.

Kermit and Mayo's Take, all the film you need. Available wherever you get your podcasts. Hello ladies and germs, boys and girls, The Grinch is back again to ruin your Christmas season with his The Grinch holiday podcast. After last year, he's learned a thing or two about hosting and he's ready to rant against Christmas cheer and roast his celebrity guests like chestnuts on an open fire. You can listen with the whole family as guest stars like John Hamm, Brittany Broski, and Danny DeVito

try to persuade the mean old Grinch that there's a lot to love about the insufferable holiday season. But that's not all. Somebody stole all the children of Whoville's letters to Santa and everybody thinks the Grinch is responsible. It's a real Whoville whodunit. Can Cindy Lou and Max help clear the Grinch's name?

Grab your hot cocoa and cozy slippers to find out. Follow Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Unlock weekly Christmas mystery bonus content and listen to every episode ad free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple podcasts. Okay, so here's a stack of crumbs. You have that. Here's 10 sheets of paper to see a favor. Can you whisper when you're talking to me because I know I'm a bean but I'm not a baby. You're so right. Your attitude keeps being like here's some crumbs like just don't like do that

You're right. We I think in foon we tend to treat the dying as As gentle as gentle gently as possible And if I could point out you were already kind of treating me too gentle because I think you thought I was too small To handle it, but I can take it like I can take full volume I can take curse words like I'm just one of the boys basically fuck. Yeah. All'll fuck yeah oh can you not say the f-word you're right yeah I'm so sorry I know I'm okay so what are we gonna do for my big last day well here's the thing you said you just want to be one of the boys and then we want this to be a special day we haven't done this hire a stripper Arnie, you heard the bean.

I'll be the stripper. I've always wanted to do a strip tease. I don't have clothes, but I have a little bean shell, and underneath my bean shell, I have two little bean nipples, and I'd love to show them off. Okay. It's her dying wish. Don't patronize me. Just because I'm a bean doesn't mean I can't be a stripper.

Right? Okay, that's fair. Yeah, yeah. I was just gonna suggest we do a boys night. Well, what's a boys night without a stripper? That's a fair point. Arnie, I think let's do a bean night. Okay, yeah, bean night.

Bean night, that's what I'm talking about. Oh, I could show you guys the ropes. I bet you've never had a bean night before, huh? No. No, this'll be a first. So what do beans do? do like what's a bean? Game or slumber party activity or did you want to show us your your bean nipples or whatever? Yeah, I want to do that first, so I'm gonna do I'll just sing my own little song I guess well I because I don't have like any sort of way

I don't have a harp or anything, so I'll just kind of sing Just can you guys be quiet while I sing this song? Okay, I'm gonna look over. Okay, I'm gonna start again. Already. I'm looking over. Here I go. This is my bean dance,

hold on to my bean pants, get down on the. So when you laugh it kind of makes me feel like you're not taking your stripping seriously. No, it's just, it's not the lyrics, it's the way you're moving is so adorable. Cause the only thing I have to take off is my bean shell and underneath is my bean guts So it's gonna hurt when I do it so I can only do it once wait cool Is this how you die?

No, no not yet, but I should take off my bean shell to in preparation for my death anyway So this kind of works, okay, and are those I'm sorry to ask I see like three little dots are those two nipples. Yeah, those are my bean tits, okay Okay, I'm gonna start again. I'm do new song this time. Okay beans beans beans Like I'm hot and gravy Beans um I'm feeling disrespected when there's laughing happening when I'm doing the you rolled up a piece of paper and then Flossed it between your legs like it was a shirt you took off or something. Oh, well, I was pretending like it was a pole. Oh.

Actually, does someone have a toothpick? Maybe I can stick it in this little piece of olive and I can dance on it. Yeah, uh, here you go right here. Thank you. Oh, do you- let me slam it onto the table. There you go. Perfect. Beans, beans, beans. Get your gravy. Juicy beans. Beans, beans, steamy beans. Come on, get your beans. Boys, din-a-na-na-na-na. Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na. Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na. Aw. Wa-na-na-na-na-na-na. Wa-na-na-na-na-na. Aw. Thank you so much. I've been Bila. Yay, Beanla!

Arnie, this is the greatest thing to ever happen to the show. Was that awesome, guys? That was so great, Beanla! Can I ask you guys a question? Sure. Did you get boners? Yes! Aw, you're not just saying?

No! Do you want me to stand up? No. Okay, that, yeah. I don't want it to knock me over. Yeah, well yeah, it's Well, there's no worry of that, but I feel so bad because I wanted to put a coin in your pants But when you don't have pants and then to the coin would just kind of like topple over you I'll still take a coin though. You can add it to my little coin sled. Yeah, all right here All right, you know in my world we have paper currency,

which makes this whole transaction easier. You go to the strippers a lot in your world? No. Wow, telling. It seems like you know a lot about the strippers in your world, tell us more. I don't, I mean, I don't know that much about them, to be honest. They take paper currency? Arnie, you're obsessed.

Yeah, Arnie, where do you like to put the paper currency? Well, I usually respectfully put it on the stage. Usually. Why did I say it like that? Oh, so you're close to the stage, right front row? Yeah, let's just, yeah. Yeah, now I'm not sure which way to break with this. Like, if I wanna- You're sweating.

I am sweating. Oh, sorry, Nina. Arnie, would you say you've been to a Serp Club 500 times or a thousand times? Less. Less than either of those. I would say less than five times. So four. Okay, four.

Yeah, that's four. And they must be really memorable because of how many details you remember. Well, yeah. Yeah. It's burned. It is. They're burned on my memory a little bit. Beema, what else do you want to do?

This is your this is like your little make-a-wish like anything you want to do Arnie and I will will help facilitate Okay. Well, um, I've never seen teeth before if you guys would let me go in your mouths for a second I could check out your teeth and that's kind of always something that's on a beans bucket list because if you see teeth You don't normally live to tell the tale so there's Lots of rumors about what teeth are oh yeah, I well we never asked you being law are you sort of like How do I put this some beans are just like beans like? There are being and then they just kind of stay a bean And then some beans you kind of plant and they grow into something are you like a growing bean or you like a bean bean?

Well, I guess we'll see after I get dead and I'm a corpse and I get buried if I grow into something else. Yeah. I guess that's something only you guys will know in a few weeks time and I will never know. Oh my god I just saw the saddest thing in the world. Oh say it say it. You're dying tomorrow and you're a triplet. So? So that means your sisters are gonna die too Sarah and I want to say Megan Megan oh that's a good point but maybe if my sisters come by tonight we can all die together it doesn't make me feel better it's kind of sadder oh well so beans always die exactly those many days? Yeah, well what about you guys? When are you gonna die?

Um...that's a heavy question. Oh, you don't know when you're gonna die? That's even sadder. At least beans know when to celebrate their last day. You guys are just trundling around like a bunch of buffoons never knowing if it's the last day or not. That makes you incredibly sad. Oh, pity the living. Wow, what a great perspective.

Are you gonna grow into something after you die? Um, I don't think so. I mean, food for worms. Oh, so you kind of will turn into like goo and guts and blood and sick like shit with flies? Yeah, couldn't put it better myself. And I'll grow into maybe a tree. Hmm. After I die, I'll grow into a legend. That's why they can't kill me like Fox Malder Oh a legend for being the best guy at the strip club front row every time this is going in the book give me a second here what now that's going in the book legendary strip club attendee Arnie

what do you what would your name be like Arnienie Big Bucks in the thong? What's your last name? Oh, my last name is Knee Camp. Knee Cap? Arnie Back Room Knee Camp. No. Arnie Lap Dance Knee Cap. My only nickname I ever, I feel like everywhere I go,

my nickname is usually just Tall Guy. Hey, Tall Guy. That sounds like a brag. Yeah, Arnie, you're talking to a bean Everyone's told me. Oh also here. I don't know if you want to hop on my hand or something sure I'll go ahead and put you in my mouth And you can take a look around Butter oh, thank you wait. That's where all the butter went

Wow, your teeth are so sharp and pointy. Oh, thank you. Wait, that's where all the butter went Wow, your teeth are so sharp and pointy. Yeah. Thank you I'm a I'm in the shape of a badger. Um, can you take me out of your mouth now? Yeah Take me out right now. I Saw something in there. Oh, what did you see? What'd you see? I don't want to say do you see like your own? Oh another bean? Oh? Yeah, it was stuck between two teeth like it meant nothing And it was all jumped up and smashed up and its titties were out and everything That's right before the episode you had a two bean salad remember What is wrong with you? You you're disgusting you're you're you had a two bean salad remember? Oh no. What is wrong with you?

You're disgusting. You're a freak. No, you have to understand Beanlet. To us, you're food. Does that make sense? But didn't the beans try to talk to you before you ate them? Didn't they try to tell you the story of their people? I don't think so.

If they did, I didn't hear it. You eat so fast, that's probably the problem. I eat so fast, yeah. Because I'm, you know, I'm a badger in the shape of a badger. Well I would like you to give a little eulogy for those beans that you so carelessly crushed in your cranky chompers. Okay, did you see any sort of name tag or anything on these beans? No, I didn't see a name tag on the beans. Okay

What a ridiculous question. I don't know. Okay, let's all let's all bow our heads or just not even bow them Just like kind of tuck your chin to well, I just hope these beans weren't named Megan and Sarah dearly beloved We're gathered here today to celebrate the lives of two beans who gave their life for lunch. These beans, I want to say, were named Bean- Beanjala? Already sort of like Angela, but with bean. Oh, yeah. Is that good? Okay. Beanjala?

A little close to Beanla for my taste, but yeah. Fuck! I knew I'd heard it before. Robi- Robiña? Is that like Robiña? I like that. Bean-la for my taste, but yeah. Fuck! Uh, I knew I'd heard it before. Um, Rub-Rubinia? Is that like, Rubinia? Rubinia? I like that. Uh, we're here to celebrate the lives of Rubinia and... Bean-Angela?

Bean-Angela? Rubinia and Bean-Angela. What about Beena? What was it? Beena? Like Bean- like Tina? Beena? Arnie, eat your own beans and then you can give a eulogy.

No, don't eat any more beans. Okay. Okay. What good beans? What good beans? And what joy they brought to Chunt and whoever made the salad. Amen.

Now you may sing the bean funeral song. Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans, beans. That's the holiday song. Oh. Yeah, too sexy, too sexy of a song for bean, beans. Yeah, that's the one. Dead beans. Everybody hates dead beans.

Amen. Thank you. That was a beautiful and touching tribute. A bean. Do you say amen or a bean? You said amen. We, I said, I was about to say a many beans. That is a many beans.

A many beans to you as well. A many beans to you. Are you related to garbanzo beans? Well, he's famous for his magic tricks, right? Oh, the amazing garbanzo beans? Um, I well he's famous for his magic tricks, right? Oh the amazing garbanzo Yes, Wow. I I heard a tale that he's like, you know in our lineage somewhere up the bean tree But I've never actually met him. Have you met him? I don't think so. There's a bean tree. Yeah, like being family tree like garbanzo I like family like all the different families

Yeah, who's like who's like riding high on the horse in the beat in the bean sphere? Who's like like king shit of beans? Well, you know, I'm Sabina carpenter is doing really good right now I've heard Yeah, and would you say like Howard bean is probably on the on the bottom rung because of his scream. Um, that's true Yeah, he the on the bottom rung because of his scream. Um, that's true. Yeah, he's on the bottom. Beanie Eilish is doing good. Oh, Beanie Eilish, such a baggy shell. Joe Beandon, he's the president right now. Joe Beandon? He's the president? For how much longer? Um, I think, well, he's 42, so I think one more day. Okay. Not much longer if Bean Kane has anything to say about it

Exactly so so you do read the bean scrolls, okay I've why were you acting like you didn't read the bean scrolls because it's it's embarrassing to read bean news like who reads Little and were shaped like beans. I mean, yeah, I Take offense to that. Well, Inie, get control over your pet. Oh, whoa. Don't make me put that muzzle back on you, Chunt. Arnie, we're cousins. I'm not your pet. Oh, that's fair.

Arnie, I bet you're a good civilized guy who doesn't eat beans. You're just the kind of guy who's so nice, you don't eat beans, you just spend all your time at the strip club. Yeah, sure. I like you, Arnie. I like you being not being being love Arnie I saw you eat 20 bowls of chili yesterday. So what's chili? It's just like a no, it's got all kinds of stuff in Chile Yeah, imagine a swimming pool now pack that swimming pool with as many beans as will fit now boil them alive add ground beef, nutmeg, cinnamon,

and a secret ingredient that I'll never tell. I like how you were horrified, but then when you heard ground beef, you're like, hmm. Oh, beans love beef. If there's anything a bean can never say no to, it's beef. And is the secret ingredient corn? Um, can be. Can be.

Shit, yeah it is. I knew it. That sounds yummy minus the beans What do you guys want to do next for my last day on earth like slumber party games? Let's do some more party games, but also bean Jilla. Can we? I'm so sorry being love Being love being is the dead girl you crushed to death in case you forgot. I'm so sorry Beans all is the dead girl you crushed to death in case you forgot. I'm so sorry um being la I'll before we play some sleepover games. Can we watch you eat a bite of chili your first bite of chili?

I'm not gonna have chili beans in if that's what you mean. Well. So we eat beef. We eat I want to see a beanie beef bean okay. How about this? Beef very catchy I'll do it on one condition and I'll even eat chili with the beans in it because I don't mind being accountable for my last couple hours alive if You'll do the same and I want you to eat Arnie's little toe. What deal nice shake on it a bean shake could never go back Okay, you go first. These shakes are binding Arnie get your little toes out. I get your little toes out. I'm gonna eat one off Get your little toes out. I get your little toes out. I'm just gonna eat one off Hey Arnie. Yeah, I'll do it under the table and I won't I won't eat it I'll just suck on it something you guys should know about your voices is that for me there?

It's so loud no matter what yeah, why'd you tell us to scream at you or whatever? What earlier you're like don't don't be so quiet scream around me or whatever you said I know I'm just saying even when you whisper I can hear it so when you said put your toe under the table I'll just suck it and which was weird and horny by the way, and I think Arnie might like it But that's not what we're asking for I'm asking you for to chomp off his toe if you want me to eat beans It's only fair How about we switch I'll eat chili you eat Arnie's toe. Okay, give me that toe Arnie Yum yum yum yum yum. I've never had a bean eat your toe

I'm so little I'm climbing down document all of this. Ever had a bean eat your toe? Arnie was writhing and screaming. It really tickles. It really tickles. I took a bite but it's probably so small you won't notice but it tastes really good. Oh really? Like what would you compare the two? I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, It tickles. It really tickles. I took a bite, but it's probably so small you won't notice, but it tastes really good. Oh really? Like what would you compare the taste of me to? Mmm, it's kind of like turkey meat. Okay. I'll take it. Have you ever had boiled turkey? Boiled turkey? I don't know if I've had boiled turkey. Oh, you've got to try boiled turkey. You get a turkey and you snap its neck off and you put it underwater in a pool and then you get the pool really hot by by a sun and then you put fire in the pool and when the

bubbles come up the turkey's boiled and then you eat him and he's all sloppy and wet. And that's what your toe tastes like. I thought this dare was to see you eat your first piece of meat. It sounds like you've killed and eaten quite a lot of turkeys which makes you pretty hypocritical of yelling at me for eating another bean. Yeah, but beans are meat to me and turkeys are beans to me. Don't you get that? Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Sorry.

Yeah, so that's like something about you is you're so slow to understand the bean universe. It's kind of crazy. Like, you guys have been alive so much longer than me, but you don't understand bean newspaper, you don't understand bean diet, nothing. Yeah. We really don't get bean stuff I guess it means that well beans are so small there when the brain sends you know a signal to the rest of the bean it's a shorter path right when the beans already helped me out yeah sometimes the chun says something just

kind of just go just kind of lightly chuckle and we can go on to the next thing Okay, let's go into the next thing for my last year on earth I want to play somber party game with the boys no light chuckle. I want to play truth or dare Okay, and this is like this is like real truth or dare. This is like a bean version of truth or dare It's a bean version. Yeah, which means if you do it wrong something bad happens to you, but I can't tell you what it is yet All right. Well, let's take a break. Um, we'll get some drinks and sort of uh, I don't know some liquid courage arnie. Do you want to get me a little bottle cap of vodka? Oh, okay. Yeah a little bottle cap of vodka arnie you want the same? Uh, yeah

I'll also have a bottle cap of vodka, please. I'll do a bottle. Okay All right, i'll be right back and we'll be right back with more beanlots. Bean night. Bean night. Bean night. I'm Tristan Redmond and as a journalist I've never believed in ghosts but when I discovered that my wife's great-grandmother was murdered in the house next door to where grew up, I started wondering about the inexplicable things that happened in my childhood bedroom. When I tried to find out more, I discovered that someone who slept in my room after me, someone I'd never met, was visited by the ghost of a faceless woman. So I started digging into the murder in my wife's family and I unearthed family secrets nobody could have imagined. Ghost Story won Best Documentary Podcast at

the 2024 Ambys and is a Best True Crime nominee at the British Podcast Awards 2024. Ghost Story is now the first ever Apple Podcast Series Essential. Each month, Apple Podcast editors spotlight one series that has captivated listeners with masterful storytelling, creative excellence and a unique creative voice and vision. To recognize Ghost Story being chosen as the first series essential, Wondry has made it ad-free for a limited time only on Apple Podcasts.

If you haven't listened yet, head over to Apple Podcasts to hear for yourself. It's me, the mean one, the green one, the Grinch, and I'm back for season two of Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast. And this holiday season, we're going big, baby. I'm talking A-list guests, B-plus comedy, and together with my crew, that's Max the Dog and Cindy Lou Who.

Hello, everyone. I'll try to clear my name once again from the latest accusations leveled against me. Turns out somebody stole all the children of Whoville's letters to Santa, and for some reason, everybody thinks I did it. It's a real Whoville who done it. So join me for season two of Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast when it drops on November 25th. Follow Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Unlock weekly Christmas mystery bonus content and listen to every episode ad free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify or on Apple podcasts. Okay Beanla, truth or dare? Truth. Truth. A bean always picks truth. Okay. Okay. Um, what is, oh, Arnie, I think this is a good one. What is your most embarrassing moment?

Oh, no, don't make me say. No, you have to or else something bad will happen to you. I'm having fun with you guys. Oh, we're having fun with you, Beanla. We're having fun with you, Beanla. My most embarrassing moment is that when I was a little bean, guys. Oh, we're having fun with you Beanla. We're having fun with you Beanla. My most embarrassing moment is that when I was a little bean, there was a, well I was going to the hot tub

because there's bean hot tub in the garden, which is like a little puddle, which is filled with dirt and it has a geyser in the bottom and a natural hot spring so it's kind of warm but it's made of mud. And so if you get in, you get really muddy and you get covered in dirt. and so I went in the hot tub and I got covered in mud and so for a second I was like a kidney bean because I was really like dark and then someone thought that um that I had pooped

myself but it was just mud from the hot tub and everyone said bean la bean la shit herself bean la bean la worth nothing bean la bean la lock her up bean la bean la kill her. Oh gosh. That escalated. Each lyric really escalates. Yeah. That's kind of an old nursery rhyme from the Bean books. Shit herself, lock her up, kill her. Yeah.

Are you sure you weren't raised in a cult? Um, no. But we just, you know, where the hot tub is we go and we have this thing where we say Christ is king Have you ever heard of that? Oh No Arnie we stumbled upon a religious being. Oh, no, I really preferred shitter self-locker of killer I'm not religious I just know that Christ is king and that he has cleansed me of my sins and that he is sovereign and word two or more

Are gathered he his presence is there You guys know Christ is king right? Jazzo's crost is this is Christ from what I've read which was in the bean newspaper I'll admit it you're obsessed with us five thousand years ago Arnie. There was a crystal that broken half in the bean world One half they named Christ or Christ and the other half was named Tall. I guess it's like splitting the word crystal down the middle, but one has several letters and one has three. And half the Bean Kingdom worships one half and half the Bean Kingdom worships the other. It's a real weird situation. Ornie Well, most of us worship Beenzus Christ, and Beenzus is king.

And so in my family, where I am, if you reach a certain age you get dunked in the hot tub and then you know that Beenzus Christ lives in your spirit and you turn into a dove and you go to Bean Heaven, which is Beenzus' big boiling pot of goo, where you get boiled up and you get eaten and if you're lucky you get shit it out by Beansus And you get to go back to the earth and be reborn you guys know the stuff Sure, yeah Anyways Arnie truth or dare oh Dare I dare you to accept Beansus into your heart

Okay, just repeat after me I Fuck! Oh, damn! Damn it! Oh, fuck! Okay. Just repeat after me. I... Okay. I... Arnie... Arnie... Am the littlest, cutest child of Beans is Christ.

Am the littlest, cutest child of Beans is Christ. Arnie, no! And kill me, kill me, kill me dead if I don't accept him into my head. Aww. Say it? And kill me, kill me, kill me dead if I don't accept him into my head Kill me kill me kill me If I accept him into my head no if I don't accept my I'm sorry I already did it Oh, no, I did the opposite one Okay

Don't invite beans as Christ into your heart or your head They can only come the bean beans as Christ can only come into your heart or head if you invite him in but once he's inside Yeah, yeah, sorry bear Arnie do you want to give him one? Oh sure Hmm. Let's see. I'm trying to think of something really like your own penis. Oh I Let's see, I'm trying to think of something really- Try to suck your own penis. Oh! Alright! Yeah! Yeah! I like being la- okay.

Well, this is not really fair because I'm a shapeshifter, that's my true form. So let me- So you could turn your mouth into your penis and your penis into your mouth? What the fuck? I never even thought about that. I usually just elongate my penis until it goes in my mouth. I could swap my penis with my mouth. Oh no, now you're in the same kind of pickle because now your penis is on your face but your mouth is on your crotch. It's just as difficult to reach.

Oh boy. This is a pickle. Okay, next. My turn again. By the way, if any of our listeners want to do any fan art of this, please make sure to share it with us on social media. And that fan art will go in the book. I would love to see some art of Beans as Christ. Although it is a sin to draw him I wouldn't mind to see Being up while you do your next round. Do you mind if I do your makeup? What? Oh

Sorry, I thought I thought we were all having fun hanging out. You said like I really like you guys I was like, oh baby, I could do her her makeup But that's no I you were thinking cuz it's being night that that's something that we do Be night be night be night. Okay, you can do my makeup. Oh great. I turned around You're gonna give me a makeover. Well, I'm mostly just gonna draw a face on you cuz I don't really see one That will be awesome for the open casket. Promise you guys will give me an open casket so everyone will see how cute I look. Sure. Should we not eat you after you're dead?

You wanna eat me after I'm dead? Should we not? I'm not, I'm asking. No, you should bury me to see if I grow into something, Ernie. Oh, I see. What are you likely to grow into? Do you have any idea? I hope.

Legend has it that a bean grows into another bean tree tree and makes an army of little beans Hmm. Um, just I just want to make sure we have this right to honor you when you dying You have an open casket funeral Do we leave the casket open so that soil and water can get into you so you grow or do we shut the casket and trust? That you'll grow through it That's a good question open cas casket I think would be nice considering you're gonna do my makeup and all. Yes, okay, good.

And do you have like a shell that you want to wear for a slight pick out for you? I think I'm gonna go shell-less because I already took my shell off in my erotic dance so I'll just go nipples out. Okay, nipple, okay, nipples out. Are you writing this down? Yeah, but sorry, this is,

I know it's the same pages for the book, but this is just like funeral notes Oh, it's like my last will and test to bean. This is your last will and test to bean Did you do you have any do you do you want to leave your? Your coin wagon to anyone. Oh I guess my Sisters if they're still alive Megan and Sarah actually just leave them to Megan Well, I think they're both dying so that's fine And if you and if you find out they're both dead then um I guess I'll give one of my coins

To my best friend Arnie and the other one to my best friend Chunt Can I tell you guys a secret? Of course we're best friends. You can tell you guys a secret? Sure. Of course, we're best friends. We're best friends. You can tell them that. You're actually my only friends. Beanla.

I never really had any. I mean, I hung out with my sisters, but they're so much more beautiful than me. You know, there's like, they have hair and stuff. And so, everyone would always go, who are those girls? La la la la la la la la la la bean la la la la and they would just ignore me and so well maybe falling out of that pocket that one day was the best thing that ever happened to me come here in the tavern find find you guys i'm sorry i'm crying maybe you've just spent your life surrounded by the wrong people, you know, like you seem delightful. Maybe you're not a

Exciting bean, but already you're a great drunk just like us Thanks. I am feeling kind of drunk. Let's all raise our bottle caps To be ma a dream bean I got it, I got it, I got it. Thank you, thank you. To Beanla, a dream bean. Thanks guys. All right, oh, just kinda dumped that on you, sorry. Hope you got some.

Whoa, I'm fucked up you guys, you guys wanna know. You guys want another stripper dance on down there now. Arnie, you strip now. Come on Arnie, I'll sing the song. Arnie man. Okay, I'm just trying to... You got the toes of a barbecue can. Arnie man.

This is so funny, you guys. I'm so loaded. Arnie, Chunt, Chunt, I'm worried about Beanla. Arnie, the exact opposite. I want to do a whole Patreon episode that's just Beanla sings the hits. 60 minutes straight of Beanla singing little bean songs. Dooby-doo. The beans are back in town.

The beans are back in town. Oh, Beanla. Oh, oh my gosh Beela After you drink your second shot of vodka there a little sprout came out of the top of your head Is that is that bad is that good what that means the end is near? Oh, no. Oh, no quick beela truth of air Dare I dare you to not die is that Arnie is that weird no that's perfect

A bean can never not do the truth or dare uh Dare me to not die. Oh my gosh. I I won't I won't die I'm feeling stronger and my beansprout is growing I'm feeling amazing! I'm-I'm growing into a bean tree! I'm saving lives!

Take her outside, take her outside, Arnie, take her outside, take her outside! Beanie alive, beanie alive! Okay, where-should we plant you here outside the tavern? Oh, quick, my crotch is out! Put me in the dirt! Oh, shit! Okay. I've heard that before.

Ahhhh. Arnie, why don't you sit down like you're gonna get a lap dance? No, no, no reason. Oh, pack the dirt in nice and tight. Oh, it feels so good. I'm, uh, I feel planted. Oh, Beanla. Beanla?

I'm alive with the sunshine on my face. I feel incredible. Oh, you're a beautiful little bean tree in the making. I have a boyfriend. Oh, so I hate to... Yeah, all right, back off, dude. No, no, no. What the hell? No, this is bean night. You're a beautiful little bean tree in the making. I have a boyfriend You're like one second you're dying bean and like a guy will swoop in and be like you're a beautiful bean tree It's like dude. I literally already have a boyfriend and I'm already literally dying and becoming a tree. You know what I mean? I'm sorry about him. Be la is your boyfriend whose pocket you fell out of? Yeah.

Were you in there doing some nasty stuff? Nasty biz? Yeah. Yeah. You caught me. Hell yeah. Yeah. With your sisters?

Well, my sisters were in the other pocket. Oh, okay. And they have no idea that, like, he always puts me in the pocket with the hole in it, you know what I mean? Oh. So I can get up to no good. Sorry your sisters weren't in the same pocket, pocket Arnie sorry to not fulfill your little mental fantasy oh yeah I guess you wanted me my bean sisters to have bean little pillowcases

we were bean throwing at each other in our bean pajamas huh is that what you want Arnie so you can be on stage and give us your your paper money you talk so much about fucking bean vert oh I wish you'd fucking died Bean La oh wait Oh, wait! Beanla's still growing and look! Arnie, look! What? Her petals are dripping vodka. She's like a vodka tree. I'm a vodka tree and I'm getting really tall!

Whoa! Ahhhhh! Oh, wait. What the fuck? Is Beanla evil? Now that you disrespected me when I was little, I'll teach you a lesson. Not you, Chunt, but you, Arnie. Phew, why me?

Hey Arnie, just back up ten feet. I think you're good. Okay, yeah, yeah. Oh, come back, I can't reach you. I can't reach you. Welp. Welp. Welp.

Alright, Beanla, you stay sweet. Yeah. Oh, hey, where are you guys going? What the hell? Alright Beanla, you stay sweet. Yeah. Oh, hey where you guys going? What the hell? We're gonna go back in the tavern and finish that round of truth or dare. Oh, well I'm dropping little beans in the dirt. Why don't you take one?

Take one for the road. Are they... Hmm. Okay. They're not ours, are they? Like we're not their father. My bean daughters. Yes, you can have one. Adopt one, please. Okay, Arnie, I'm gonna take this one. Hi there, little bean. What's your name?

Excuse me. Hello. Yeah, hi. I wanna get up on the bar stool, but I can't reach. Oh, yeah, Arnie, let's get back in the tavern and put this one on the bar stool. There you go. Hi. Thank you. What are you? I'm a bean. What's your name? And it's my last day on earth. Oh, no. There you go. Hi. Thank you. What are you? I'm a bean

Last day on earth. Oh, no. Oh shit. We already did this already the cycle starting all over you Do I want a one-day-year-old being the strip for me yeah, guess so. Round the beans up and get nasty, Beanie Baby. Beanie Baby? Arnie, didn't she say those are huge on earth? Listeners, when you're asked if you want a one-day-old bean to strip for you, maybe run the whole situation past someone you trust. Pro tip, not anyone involved with this podcast. Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Bean La the Talking Bean was played by special guest Lisa Gilroy. Watch Lisa on the buzzy new Hulu series, Interior Chinatown.

Oh, and Hello from the Magic Tavern is returning to San Francisco SketchFest for a live show on Sunday, January 19th at Club Fugazi. Tickets available now. Link in the show notes. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like KivaMatrea, Nick Rents, parentheses. Ironically, my parents are landlords. I heard a lot about it in high school.

Don't worry, close parentheses. Uh, I rarely worry about anything, Nick. Just curious, did the teasing usually happen around the first of the month? Did the teasing increase slightly each year, motivated only by pure greed? Was the teasing unsustainable for many in our modern unforgiving economy? I could go on, Nick. Don't worry. Back to subscriber names. Shuttle. Brian Manisis. Who says, love you guys. Even Arnie.

With two exclamation points and a rolling on the floor laugh crying emoji. Brian, you're coming at us with a lot all at once. Kennedy Boucher, Countess of Condiments, I destroyed you in that duel, back so soon, Kennedy? And finally, Bryson S. Poole. No added comment and therefore my favorite supporter today. I'd like to flip a coin, uh, to do the flashback flash forward thing. Uh huh. Anthony, how fun is it when we're constantly trying to solve

the very premise that you're trying to set up? Honestly, this is not my first rodeo. I know how people fuck with the system. So I like to think I'm ready for you. I never am fully. Heads. Heads. Heads, okay, great. So go ahead and narrate a flashback

that is beneficial to you in some way. And as long as it's not completely out of a bonkers shithouse, I will allow it. Do we know roughly what current year it is in Shadow City? Yes, it is 1959. When did I get this cell phone? Yes, it is 1959. Where did I get this cell phone? I would like to see if approximately 21 years ago, I apply to become a theoretical physicist at college.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic tavern is produced by arnie knee camp matt young and adil rafai post-production coordination by garrett schultz associate producer amma hoverman this episode edited by red keener hello from the magic tavern Andy Poland. In a quiet suburb, a community is shattered by the death of a beloved wife and mother. But this tragic loss of life quickly turns into something even darker. Her husband had tried to hire a hitman on the dark web to kill her. And she wasn't the only target. Because buried in the depths of the internet is The Kill List,

a cache of chilling documents containing names, photos, addresses, and specific instructions for people's murders. This podcast is the true story of how I ended up in a race against time to warn those whose lives were in danger. And it turns out convincing a total stranger someone wants them dead is not easy. Follow Kill List on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to Kill List and more Exhibit C Truecrime shows like Morbid early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+. Check out Exhibit C in the Wondry app for all your Truecrime listening.