Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 36 - Cyclops (w/ Charles "Chuck" Bryant from Stuff You Should Know)

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

Brock the Cyclops is cursed to wander Foon sharing his stolen knowledge of useless things.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiBrock: Chuck BryantMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandGet tickets to SF Sketchfest here!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Kill List is a true story of how I ended up in a race against time to warn those who lives were in danger. Follow Kill List wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Kill List and more Exhibit C true crumb shows like morbid, early and ad free right now by joining Wandery Plus. Each morning it's a new opportunity, a chance to start fresh. Up first from NPR makes each morning an opportunity to learn and to understand. Choose to join the world every morning with Up First, a podcast that hands you everything going on across the globe and down the street, all in 15 minutes or less. Start your day informed and anew with Up First by subscribing wherever you get your podcasts.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, but good news! Oh no wait, we still have the transmission to get through. So news! Hello from the Magic Tavern is returning to the San Francisco Sketch Fest for a live show on Sunday, January 19th at Club Fugazi! Tickets available now, there's even a link in the show notes. But if you find yourself most comfortable with the version of the show, with zero chance of encountering

the hosts in a lobby afterwards, well, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal

through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wander lost in the magical land of food. And I'm joined as always by my cousin Trump the talking badger. Oh Yeah, cuz hey cuz how you doing pretty good How's the fam? Um, don't know. I mean they're back on earth. Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah, sorry I was just trying to get into the whole cousin. Oh, yeah, we're cousins. We're family. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah Sorry about that. Wait, huh? What?

Is it or you're back? Oh, you're cousins now work cousins now cousins since before you were gone as well got all about it I Overwhelmed trying to save a tree You might say you were overwhelmed Very good Chunt very good. No I Spent hours and days just staring at this tree to make sure it stayed alive hmm Is that because of the old expression a watched tree never dies exactly? Yes, and I thought to myself. I was just walking down the street, and I thought oh shit

What if this tree dies, so I just started staring at it intently Sure, he was on troops. Yeah, it's Fire that I feared would burn through the tree is a good way to get him out of this loop you sort of want to Introduce yourself. I am you said or was it of the 12th realm of a VCS master of light and shadow I am Usador, wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ophesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakas. The elves know me as Fyangelok, the dwarves know me as Zonin and Hoogstanges, and I am known throughout the North-East as Gasmanius may star. No The trees may fear my intense stare They also feel a great warmth and safety knowing that you said or is there for them two things One Arnie a watch tree never dies

Phenomenal I love that that should be a t-shirt perhaps at some oh well, okay. Well, that's a good. That's a good point Oh, but who should say it. I said it. So is it a me shirt? But also, does anybody buy the shirts with my picture on it? I don't know. Seems unlikely. I think so. I think absolutely. All right, so a watched tree never dies.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's a new shirt in our T-Public merch shop. Unless we fuck up and forget to update it. I love it cuz. And you know what? Usador's new shirt says I love it cuz. Is it alright if I hone in on this cuz action? That's a good question.

Because we did establish that you're an uncle. You're not a cousin, you're an uncle. Oh that feels right. But like a fun uncle. Like a funkel. Like a funkel. Yeah. Okay, Usador is not getting a new shirt this week

Oh better luck next time number two I was gonna say I made us some sticky wicks because it's that time of year the snow is falling the Season's greetings are upon us. Everyone take a sticky wick. Oh Thank you. This is a sticky wicked. Yeah. Well, no sticky wick already. So it's sort of a holiday candy You know some people eat it for like Christmas or well, whatever holiday you celebrate around this gunnerstein gunderstein Holidays. Yeah, but it's basically a peppermint stick dipped in caramel and then frozen. Oh See sticky wick. Yeah seems like it would destroy your teeth teeth Yeah, you're supposed to suck on it for up to 90 hours

Yeah suck on it you can and every that's a t-shirt and then I know you sort of not get a new shirt this week Okay, Chunt and you store facing each other both saying suck it knee camp And then and then and there's still a picture of Arnie and he's he's he's not saying anything And then and then and there's still a picture of Arnie and he's he's he's not saying anything The design just the text all right fine Officially you sit or shirt now says suck it knee camp. Whoo Don't love that that's going out into the world. Oh and also as sort of a you might notice there's an extra Sticky wick on the table here. That's because I invited, um, someone that I am quite fond of and that is a

Cyclops we've never had one on before. I don't think so. No guys, please be cool and don't just stare in his one eye, please. This is Brock the Cyclops. Hello everybody. Uh, hold on. I have something stuck in my eye. Oh, that was There you go. That was like a whole stick or something.

You guys have an eye wash? Do we have an eye wash? I have an eye wash spell. I would take that right now, please. Here's the source. Wow, I've been torn away. What about from the being key, lost in dying? I got a good look.

Oh my god, that's incredible Wow Use it suggest maybe that I wash spell should be briefer like if someone needs an eye wash spell They probably need it urgently. That's the short version. That's the short version Yes, there's a long form version if you specifically want to like, you know kind of scrub the cornea You know polish the iris, you know, that you can get real specific about washing your eye. Polish the iris, use it, you already have a new shirt this week.

Yeah, pump the brakes, buddy. Brock, thank you so much for coming on. Brock, like I mentioned, this is a podcast, so it's sort of like a magical net that captures your voice and then sort of shoots it somewhere else, I guess. I know all about that stuff. Oh, good, good. You do.

Sure. So you'd say that's stuff that you know. Well, I mean, I don't know how much you know about my backstory, guys, but I was cursed to roam the phone and spread my knowledge with everyone that I encounter. And I've encountered you guys and I've heard of, I know what this podcast is that you talk about, I know all about it. That's quite an incredible backstory. You know what, Arnie, Chunt, real quick,

I wish more guests just came on and been like, here's my backstory. Me too, it's so much more useful. Really good place to start. It's my job, guys. I'm here to convey my what you know when you meet somebody what are you gonna say? You're gonna tell them your knowledge about you. Well. I have one follow-up question Arnie Chant. I think you'll agree with me I'll take it. How were you cursed? Oh, yeah, I agree. Oh, well, it was a tribunal. I'm Frankly surprised you guys didn't follow that, but that's fine.

It was kind of a big deal, but whatever. Sorry. I'm sure it was an important tribunal. We've been busy lately. There's a wizard war and everything, so we're maybe not up on all the tribunal news. This was years ago. I've been wandering for a long time, but it's fine. It's fine. I think I heard about it on C-SPAN. Arnie, C-SPAN is, there's a lot of seas in Foon, right? A lot of vast oceans, and there's news that they will just sort of toss out into the water,

and it just sort of encompasses all of the oceans, so all the fish know everything. Yeah, the sea spans all of the news. So anyway, I was found guilty, of course, very quickly. I didn't take much time to make the decision from the judge. And so here I am. I was guilty of stealing people's thoughts and their knowledge in the middle of the night.

I learned to spell. I got a spell book. Not a big spell guy, but this one sounded kinda cool. You can be like super smart and stuff. So I did that and I stole the knowledge of most people and food. Wow. So it's illegal to steal people's thoughts

and knowledge in the middle of the night? Without consent, yes. Oh, okay. That seems fair. I'll be right back. You sort of went. Uh-oh. He'll be fine.

I gotta say, if I was, you know. He's probably off to save a tree. I heard about that, by the way. Yeah, well, of course, you know everything. Yeah, well, I don't like to say that out loud a lot. So, Brock Brock do you mind I want to just dig a little bit more into this feeling of the thoughts business. It sounds like what you said was you would sneak into people's homes

at night to steal their thoughts. Like so is that an important part of the process? Well I mean you can certainly do it during the day if someone's out just you know doing their thing. It's a little harder because people are moving around and stuff because you got to get in through the ear. So if somebody's prone, it's easier. Nap time, nap time is great. Actually nap time is better than at nighttime. Oh, really?

Excuse me. I'm just kind of a process guy. Excuse me. I need to get behind you. I need to get to the fireplace. I need to burn this spell book. Oh, you burned your spell book? Yeah. Just the fireplace. I'll burn this spell book. Oh You burned your spell book. Yeah, just just the one I I never had it never had that spell book Just the one that burned up. Okay. Oh and actually you sir while you're burning your spell book

Would you mind spelling my burn book? Maybe cast a spell so no one can read my burn book just cuz I'm worried people know what I wrote about him Sure loxie daisy I thought you were suggesting you wanted him to copy edit your burn book because your spelling is so bad put that in the burn book Because arnie already have a t-shirt buddy. I know I'd and this is the one drawback to the new t-shirt situation is we're all vying for Shirts, that's true. Oh, yeah, so Brock you since being cursed wandered over you've been wandering around food and is it Is it that you're just cursed to kind of know everything and tell everyone about everything or that's just where your proclivities lie

well Boy guys it gets a little dicey tech Technically I was only sentenced to wander all of food endlessly But I figured I've got all the know-how now, and the knowledge, stole all these people's knowledge. Like I might as well share that around. Otherwise, what's the point? So that's technically not part of the sentence.

It was just to roam Foon, but I might as well, you know, give people a good thing, right? Sure. Can I ask, how do you decide what to share? Do you just share anything and everything, or is it stuff people should know? Right, great question. You know, I kind of read the person. I've got a, I'm a people person. I have a great eye, obviously, for who I'm speaking with.

And I'm so sorry, Brock, you have something in your eye again. Oh, Jesus, I thought I was just... It's a bird. I'll get it Why way the hand job guys was a little bit better than the spell job I hate to say that can I get a t-shirt? Oh We've never had a guest sure Pretty good though the hand job is better than dot dot dot turn around The spell job on the back damn back Yeah, I think it's go broke Brock. You don't have to scream that into Arnie shirt. That's not how this works

Arnie has something great. That was how it worked though You can put him down Brock put Arnie down Brock you are so strong. You could do that shirt very cheaply five colors is all you need Wow, he does know about stuff. What five colors? Cyan? Sure. I mean that's where you start, right? You go from cyan to the other colors of the rainbow. Because cyan, Roy, G, Biv. I don't know where C fits in there, but it's one of the big ones. You know Roy?

I, I, of course I know Roy. Well, I don't know Roy personally, but the person whose room I broke into last Tuesday knew Roy and now I have that knowledge. Arnie, there's a great mage. He used to be a wizard, right? You said he was Roy G. Wiz, and then he got downgraded? He was Roy G. Wiz, but then he got demoted for living too colorfully.

You can only have one color as a wizard. Everyone knows that. Green. Blue, I'm blue, damn it. I wish there was some mental trick to help me remember that name, but... RudeGWiz? That's kind of impossible. Oh, you should have said, Brock's a big Spintax fan. He loves the green wizards, baby. All the way. Look at that sleeve. So green.

You know, I love the color cyan. Call me the king of cyan. No. Okay, sorry if that's inappropriate. When I was a boy, world was different spot. I was already nervous about laughing at the I joke because it's that offensive to Cyclops. If I laugh at it.

No, it's fine guys. I've heard them all. Do you mind if we ask you some Cyclops questions? Hey, fire away. Cause you know what? Didn't have to steal that knowledge. That is trouble. So right here behind this big, beautiful blue baby.

Yeah, it's a piercing blue eye you have there. Thank you. Yeah, and let's talk about the rest of his ensemble and the sort of colors of the outfit. Cyclops, jeans, gray. Yes. What else? Shirt, orange.

You've got a nightcrawler coming out of your pocket. Do you eat those? Do you fish with them? What do you do? Well, it's a little of both. Sometimes it depends on the hungry, and while I'm fishing quite regularly. Okay.

BAMF, you ever fish at BAMF? Oh, are you kidding me? It's the only place to go. That's where the big stuff is. Oh yeah. He's a little mystique about you. I just wanted to say that. Well, you know, how many Cyclops have you met none?

It's not Cyclops is by the way. It's Cyclops plural like deer. Oh, yeah So you met no Cyclops until me there's there's four of us here and food I'm I don't know where the other guys have been I haven't seen him in a while It's only four total four as far as I know Wow I Well, then are two of those your parents or your parents no longer with us? Well, Ysidore, they both died at childbirth. I'm sorry for your loss.

That's okay. They both died in childbirth and it was not raised by them. I don't know them, so there's no real connection. They both died in childbirth? Yes. Huh. What? I don't understand the incredulity. Is it too painful to talk about? I would love to hear more details about how they both died. I'll talk all the fuck about it You guys are acting like that's a weird thing It's a little I mean the mortality rate while giving birth is higher than it should be

But I've never heard of both parents dying and well alright Hey, my parents died in a car wreck. Do you say huh really? Weird it's no way to handle it you guys so were they in a cart no That was a child birth. Oh hypothetical. Oh, sorry Psycho-sophetical hey is that you guys say it that's how we say we try to tie the tie in front of anything. It gets a little old, but it's fine. But yes, they both died at childbirth. I don't have the data, that's one thing I don't know.

That's one thing I refuse to study, obviously. So I don't know. I don't know how often that happens. But I appreciate you guys being so sympathetic. Our pleasure. Oh, we love caring for the emotional needs of our guests. In fact, why don't we take a quick break and we'll be right back with more Brock the Cyclops. Arnie, you've hardly sucked your sticky wick. That's right. That's right. in an instant. When TV producer Roy Raden was found dead in a canyon near LA in 1983, there were many questions surrounding his death.

The last person seen with him was Laney Jacobs, a seductive cocaine dealer who desperately wanted to be part of the Hollywood elite. Together, they were trying to break into the movie industry. But things took a dark turn when a million dollars worth of cocaine and cash went missing. From Wondery comes a new season of the hit show, Hollywood and Crime, The Cotton Club Murder. Follow Hollywood and Crime, The Cotton Club Murder on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of The Cotton Club Murder early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus.

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effects well beyond the tight-knit community where it began. In 2011, the girls at one high school in upstate New York began exhibiting a bizarre mix of neurological symptoms. Ticks and twitches and strange outbursts. Question is, why? Was it mold in the school buildings? Was it a contaminated water source? Or what if the cause of the contagion wasn't coming from their physical environment at all? As their symptoms got worse, their search for answers brought a media firestorm down upon their small town, and soon enough the entire nation was trying to solve the medical mystery.

From Dr. Drew to Aaron Barakovich. Believed by some to be the most severe case of mass hysteria since the Salem witch trials, Hysterical is a podcast about the desire to be believed, and what happens when the world tells you it's all in your head. Follow Hysterical on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Hysterical ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So Brock, I hate to go back to this. When you sneak into people's rooms at night

to steal their thoughts, you said you go in through the ear. What goes in through the ear? I mean, I probably don't have to tell you guys this. A lot of things can go in through the ear. What goes in through the ear? I mean, I probably don't have to tell you guys this. A lot of things can go in through the ear. But in this circumstance, if you're really just looking to extract knowledge. I don't want to get people's personal thoughts and opinions. Like, that's a fucking nightmare.

I just want knowledge. So if you want knowledge, you have to use the knowledge stick. It's sort of, it looks, have you guys know about ear candling? I think so. What, how does it work exactly? Well, ear candling is a big scam basically that, you know, on, a lot of people fall for it. It doesn't really do anything. But in terms of this, it's kind of a cone shape. It's conical. So you stick, you know, the skinny in through the ear and then it sort of broadens out and then you can you can extract that way.

That's what I was doing wrong. But also illegal right it sounds like. Oh super illegal you shouldn't do it. I definitely if I did do it I wouldn't put the not skinny end in first. Well you have a big problem then you know. Tell me about it. That would reverse everything. I mean, theoretically. Yeah.

You'd probably be sending your thoughts into their head then. That's what happens. Shit! I'll be right back. Brock, what did you, with all this information you collected, is that how you sort of, did you pair that with everything you've seen and learned while roaming Foon? I haven't learned a lot actually. Just walking around, seeing stuff. I mean, I I don't know I already kind of know all the stuff

Why I mean I pay attention I enjoy my day But you ever see the the t-shirt that says sometimes that sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits My version is sometimes I walks and thinks but usually I just walks Sometimes I walks and things, but usually I just walks. I see. Yeah, until I meet people. I always love to meet someone who thinks they know everything and they have no space for new ideas. Hey, good to meet you too.

Yeah. I like your jacket. Oh, thank you. It's new. It's very nice. Let me back into your head. I need into your head. Come here.

I think someone stole my thoughts. Sorry, Brock. We're very happy that you're here. Is there anything that when you look at us, you say you were starting to size us up earlier? Sure. Is there anything in particular that you think the three of us each should know, Chunt and Arnie and myself? Well, when I talk to two-eyes is what I call them. That is E-Y-E-D-S. When I talk to two ides, with a dash in the middle of course. Sure, of course.

There's a thing that you people do where you look down on people like me with the one eye. So I have to break through that first. You guys were very kind earlier. You just asked me a question or two about the single eye. You didn't get too specific, so I appreciate that. you didn't dig in too hard about both my parents dying when I was born Which I appreciate as well, so I feel like we have broken through a bit good cuz oh Thank God us is cuz I really want to know Brock depth perception

Is that an issue is that how a lot of Cyclops is die like now? I'm sorry. I said Cyclops is is that how a lot of cyclopses die? Now I've opened the door. I'm sorry, I said cyclopses. Is that how a lot of cyclops die? Thank you. I've opened the door now I understand. Yeah, it's a thing, you know. You know how food gets, busy days, people are out and about. You can't look left and look right unless you move your entire body, which is a little

inconvenient. So yeah, there's a lot of traffic accidents. Yeah, I should I should say for our listeners, it's not just that you have the one eye. It's that there doesn't seem to be a huge amount of mobility of the eye, almost as if like an old timey makeup artist made a head with just an eye in the middle. No, and and just yeah, to move around, you have to move your whole body to kind an eye in the middle. No fancy. And just, yeah, to move around, you have to move your whole body to kind of look in any direction. I think it's nice to be described as a B-movie. I appreciate that.

Have you ever thought about moving your neck? Well, I mean, how much neck do you see? There's not much. There's a slight indentation, but I wouldn't call it a neck. It's when you have the one eye, it's a bit of a tube-like situation from your cranium down. It's just a very singular thing.

It's hard to describe, but yes, I can twist it a little bit, but you see there on the left, it hurts. It goes from pecs to jaw pretty quick. Very quickly. Also, I should say, arnie. I think you described the eye perfectly It's I don't know if you mentioned it's pretty deep seated like it's it's like a jewel in a in a crown or something It's pretty it's pretty far back. Yeah, my father well Here's what we called them my father had a big ass eye and my mother had a big ass eye And you know what that bay say what oh a big ass eye and my mother had a big ass eye and you know what that means.

Say what? Oh, sorry big ass eye. I was like, oh bae. Sure. Your mom was bae. It was just big ass eye. Is that what bae means? I don't know what the- I don't understand what you're talking about right now. I'm so sorry. Please continue. That's fine. Guys, where does he live? Because I could honestly break in there. Oh yeah, where's- Guys, where does he live cuz I could honestly break. Oh, yeah, where's the trunk? Where have you been sleeping lately? Oh, can he hear me? Oh hither and tither? Here's the thing. Oh, I'm so sorry Brock. Just so you know Chant can not only talk he can hear I see when you got one eye you never know which of those things are working

Yeah, I'm sorry Chant. Where are you sleeping? Oh Heather and tither Heather and tither. Yeah, it's either and to there now the twins. Yeah, it's uh, hither and tither. Hither and tither. You're sleeping with hither and tither now, the twins? Yeah. They're cool with it, so. Blink blink. Sometimes I do that. It's a party trick, you know. You're out, people are staring at the eye anyway,

and they're waiting for it, because they have a gas eye, and there's waiting, and so, sometimes when I blink it, will say blink blink right at somebody That's a very powerful blink because you have such beautiful eyelashes such long luxurious eyelashes Eyelash, it's that's also singular even though there are many interesting Oh, so you're saying your mom has a big s I your dad has a big ass. Eye had and had they're both dead They both that's right. They both had big-ass eyes.

My mom's family comes from a long line of big-ass eyes. Strangely, my grandparents on my father's side, my paternal grandparents, had mid-range eyes. He was born with a big-ass eye. Sometimes that happens, but I was I was destined for this. So you're either Bay or mid with your lineage. That's pretty cool I guess so if you want to put it that way I Will if that's okay with you sir? That's fine. You're getting a little testy. I was so fascinated to learn that you don't think of us as a biclops

Oh, you know that's very interesting You guys to two eyes righteyes with a D. Two-eyes, D, S. Sometimes Z if you're feeling squirrely. Oh, Brock, thank you so much. Guys, he handed me... You know when Brock said you're getting a little testy? He handed me a little box, I unwrapped it, and look, it's a little testy! Right? That, guys, has the weak ones' knowledge when I was roaming around is the first testy box and there'll be more to come Thank you. Oh, no

It's almost like an advent calendar Sure. Yes. Yeah, perfect advent calendar Definition of the day word of the day that kind of thing exactly a word of the day Good idea. I could Discover and create a new word every day. Today's word will be... AUSTALICON! Austalicon?

And you never define these words? Why would I? Well, you're not gonna sell many calendars. That's true. Well, I have to figure out what AUSTALICON is. Alright, Brock. I'll be right back. Since you know...

Oh boy, you soon as on the move today. Brock, since you sort of know everything, what's the best meal... Sorry, the best sandwich you've found in all of them? Oh wow. Well guys, you picked my favorite meal, which is sandwich. Uhhhh... Yes. It's very tough.

I love the French dip, and I think you know where. Oh yeah. Rock-o-Bennies? Yeah, I'm a the French dip and I think you know where. Oh yeah. Rocco Bennies? Yeah. I'm a big French dip guy. Anytime I go anywhere and they got a French dip on the menu, I gotta give it a shot. The jus is perfect. The toasted bun, absolutely perfect. The cheese is just melted enough and they give you enough jus. You know, you don't want to get to the last bite and not have anything to sop up. So I'd go with the French dip.

Perfect sandwich. Delicious. What's your favorite? I just got back. Ashtalacon. A sandwich on toasted bread that you dip into jus. Oh. Is that a thing? I think there's already a name for that. Damn it.

What's your favorite sandwich? Mine would probably be, and Arnie braced the emails, mine would probably be a hot dog. Mine would probably be an Arnie brace the emails mine would probably be a hot dog I have a lot of knowledge on this but this is the hot dog sandwich thing is so obnoxious. I'm not even Arnie what's your favorite sandwich? My favorite sandwich is Probably a manwich meal. Don't give me no baloney. Wait a man, which is just a mage right you sit are right or warlock a man What a warlock that's right major or more lock is making some hungry you guys so Arnie. What's your favorite sandwich? Never mind Brock can I know it's gonna ask me? Oh fuck

Sand on mayonnaise I Was gonna ask I didn't want to be rude. I'm the new guy sand on mayonnaise Is there even bread? Oh, and of course there's bread. It's a sandwich You put a little mayonnaise on the bread you put some sand on that and then you eat it And the mayo keeps the sand in place. That's right, huh? And then I shit a perfect crystal ball Hmm. Oh because fire and sand equals crystal. Right. What's in your stomach? Oh, all sorts of contraptions and things in process that will be for the boon and benefit of all of food.

Things in process? Yeah, like, you know, little experiments and things. Like a second city show or something is in your stomach? Review, Arnie, they're called reviews. Oh, sorry, sorry. That's what you told me, at least, when you first came here. Yeah, oh, of course.

Brock, I think we should challenge you a little bit more. If you know everything. Sure, ooh. And not just ask you about the opinions, because as you said, you may have your own opinions, but you know things. You've learned from stealing thoughts. Mm. Where do frogs come from?

Ooh, yes. Well, you guys don't know this? Did you take basic science? Science. I haven't mentioned this to you, but I'm from another world. Oh, okay. I understand. Uh, you know, frogs come from a, it's kind of a smaller version of a frog Some might call it a baby frog. It's born just out of the frogs butt I always thought frogs come from the penis. I mean I come from my penis. Sure. I think we all come from the penis guys

Come on. High five. Alright. What's up? Well done. That's a t-shirt. Yeah. We know what I was. Oh wait, I'm from the penis. Okay, Chunt, I'm gonna give you a chance. Is that what you want your new t-shirt to be? Yes please. Yes daddy. So what is it exactly? We all come from the penis. We all come from the penis. How do you want to spell cum? Let's wait to see if anybody buys one first Hold on So we're gonna wait for confirmation that an order has come in and then we're gonna decide maybe ask them

Yeah, boy find co me Okay, I was calling a baby frog, but then someone told me it's called grogu. Oh, I mean sure you can you can call it that if you want I've heard that name before at least this one lady whose house I broke into. Yeah, I'm more of a grogu not a shogu Stop trying to get t-shirts! That's gotta be a shirt. That's gotta be a shirt. I don't know if you guys can see my shirt. It says I was born in a Petri dish. Oh. I don't come from a penis you guys I was trying to grow out and high five. I was born in a petri dish and my parents

when I when I said they died of childbirth they were watching the surrogate give birth and they both died but what they basically did was the father put his you know his stuff in a Petri dish and the mother put her stuff in a Petri dish and they put that inside of another person. I was born, they witnessed this, they died. They died watching you being born? Hey, I came out with that big eye.

At the time it was as big as the head and even though they're big-ass eye people, it was a bit of a shock. So I'm not sure if that's exactly what did it or if it was shame or Excessive I like to think excessive pride. Maybe I don't know they're so proud that they died. I think so I mean, that's what the doctors told me Brock You might know better than I do but I've heard a whisper a rumor even that When you're born your eyes are the size that they'll be your whole life That your eyes are the one thing that kind of never grow so I could see if that eye

Was in a smaller baby's body. I could see where that might be shocking sure sure and by the way When you're talking to a cyclops, it's best not to put an s is not to pluralize eyes even if you're talking about two eyes It's a little insensitive. I'm fine. I don't care. I'm not woke if you're talking about two eyes. Right. It's a little insensitive. I'm fine. I don't care. I'm not woke.

But there are plenty of Cyclops. Well, three hours. I was done three. Yeah. But two of those three, like if you add an S onto anything eye related, it's your big trouble. Truly noted. What if a Cyclops is like nearsighted?

They would wear glass? Yeah. Oh, okay. Look at you! Okay, I think I got it. Wow. Alright, man. This is great. You're learning. That's what my life task is about.

I want to spread the knowledge that I steal, and I want to spread the message of the cyclops, and the knowledge of the cyclops. You wear a glass, it's the same thing as you guys. I see glasses right now. Just imagine there being one thing in the center. I see. I don't need them.

I have perfect vision. Do you wear pants? No, I have, no. Good God. Aw, motherfucker. Come on, he doesn't have one leg. Yeah, that was awkward. Let me buy a round of drink.

No, man. Yes, and let us take break. Are we getting this right Brock? Is this right? How are we doing? Just the eye In a quiet suburb a community is shattered by the death of a beloved wife and mother But this tragic loss of life quickly turns into something even darker. Her husband had tried to hire a hitman on the dark web to kill her. And she wasn't the only target. Because buried in the depths of the internet is The Kill List, a cache of chilling documents containing names, photos, addresses and specific instructions for people's murders.

This podcast is the true story of how I ended up in a race against time to warn those who lives were in danger. And it turns out convincing a total stranger someone wants them dead is not easy. Follow Kill List on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Kill List and more Exhibit C True Crime shows like morbid early and add free right now by joining Wondry+. Check out Exhibit C in the Wondry app for all your True Crime listening. Do you like solving the mysteries of the true crime world? Dive into the depths of captivating true crime stories on the high seas on Wondry's Exhibit

C True Crime Cruise. true crime stories on the high seas on Wondries exhibit seed true crime cruise come aboard the luxurious Norwegian joy setting sail from Miami to Nassau, Bahamas Sharpen your investigative skills with your favorite true crime podcast hosts engage in thoughtful discussions during expert panels that examine case studies investigative techniques in the pursuit of justice Then put your skills and intuition to work with hands-on activities that challenge your analytical skills. Meet fellow armchair detectives, share your theories, and flex your detective skills.

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Go to exhibitseacruise.com to learn more and sign up for the presale. So, if a goose is flying south at exactly 40 miles per hour and it decides to head west for two hours at the same rate of acceleration. How long does it take to get to the Isle of Fontana? Are you asking me? Yeah.

Oh. Thank God, cause I do not know. Yeah, you know, word problems, not my speche. No, okay. Okay. Who invented chairs? Ooh, I like that one. Oh well, geez, that's a great question.

Thank you. What I need to do is, do you know anyone who in town makes furniture? It's been a minute since I've been in town. Who is the best furniture maker? You know, our tavern travels around from town to town, so we're not super familiar. I don't know, Chunt, you said already,

you guys know who makes the furniture in this town? I mean the best sort of craftsman in food would be Bolivar the beaver who really yeah that's the one then I need what I need to do to answer your question is break in middle of the night get in that beaver's ear with that cone and then I'll be able to answer your question. So you're still doing this? I guys I'm cursed to roam the dirt forever So you don't care about continuing to break the law aren't you afraid they're gonna come back and curse you worse What are they gonna do? What's the worst curse? No One pant leg two legs, but you have you can only wear one pant leg, but you have two legs

so you know what it's a little late guys and You can only wear one pant leg, but you have two legs still. You know what? It's a little late, guys. And Bolivar's place is just across the street. Um, game. Should we go break into Bolivar's place? Let's go break into, let's go break into Bolivar's. I've never done this before, so I don't know how to do it. Here, I'll clad us all in black.

Erech, turtled, clad. Follow me, I've got a little cone ready. I know we need that. Now, can I ask Brock, before we go into the house, how do you usually, like, do you know how to pick locks and things? You must, you must have bad knowledge as well. You know what the first thing I did?

I broke into the lock picker's house. Must have been hard. Was it hard to break into the lock picker's house? Weirdly, no, the door was open. So I just fucking strolled in, put the cone in there and all of a sudden you're none of you are safe, frankly Yeah, that would be I think Ezekiel is the local porcupine He sells his quills to smooth pickaxe Brock. I would say porcupines. They're little stabby cutie pies Do you know a lot about porcupines? Sure. What do you want to know?

It just seems like maybe recently you know a lot about them. I do and know what fucking stand back. That's what I that's all you need to know Admire from afar. There's your t-shirt on the other side porcupines Arnie we gotta get a Brock t-shirt Okay, rock is just spinning t-shirt gold over here. Hey, thanks. Okay, so this is the front door Although it is late, but all the lights are on in there. Should we just knock and see if he wants to fall asleep and get his- Through the window!

Oh, jeez. Okay, I guess we're following Chunt through the window. Just be careful, there's a lot of broken glass. What are you doing in here? Oh, Bolivar. What are you doing in here? This is your yearly window inspection, and you failed, buddy. What? I'm Chunt. I'm the...should I use the fake name? I'm...shit are you the window

inspector? I'm the window inspector. Here here's a hundred gold. I'm just gonna pay you off. I've been trying to get those windows fixed. I swear. I just haven't had the money and time to do it. But please don't send me to jail. Wait, Bolivar, do you have legal windows? Yeah, my windows are all fucked up and illegal. Please don't send me to jail. We won't have to if you go to sleep right now and sign this waiver, this consent form.

Also, before you go to sleep, don't tell us the answer, but do you know who invented chairs? Of course I know who invented chairs. Okay, top of mind, keep it top of mind, keep it top of mind. Alright. This is a great idea guys. I'm not really tired. Fuck.

Sign the form, but... Do we have... I shall cast a spell. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Calisthenic Hun! I hope no one's driving while they're listening to this episode.

Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh. Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh. Oh wait. I think Brock is asleep too. Brock. Crack. Crack. Nooooo.

Ah, he's asleep um poke him, ah, poke him with his stick. Wait, Chunt's asleep too. Oh shit, Chunt's asleep. Arnie, how did you stay awake? I never listened to you. Shut up. You started doing a magic spell? I was like, nothing makes me zone out faster.

I was probably going to hear haraoth or something in there Harathas one of the most powerful words and all of spells Someone say her off. Yeah, see I just woke everyone up just by saying Rock are you okay? We're having a bad dream? I was having a bad dream about mommy. Oh Oh didn't even switch it to mom now that you're awake interesting. Well, she died when I was one minute old you guys She'll always be mommy. Yeah one so a whole minute elapsed Enough time for me to take it all in with my eye. Yeah, what happened? You guys came in my house and you

threatened to get me arrested for having illegal windows. Oh, Bolivar, nobody said that. What? It was a lie. Bolivar, why can't you just fucking sleep? Like a normal person. Whoa, Arnie. You did it. I threatened him to sleep. Wow. Oh, yes. Sometimes that can work just as well as a spell. Alright, well, do you have the cone? Here's the cone. Alright. What you gonna do is you're gonna go over here very slowly. Where?

Stick the small end just a bit. Give it a little twist and a poke. Oh wow. This is kind of erotic in its own way My end and hold on three two Beaver. All right. I've got it. Okay before we wake him up. Let me just put his paw in a glass of warm water Okay, now we can wake him up Great trick. Let's let him sleep. That's a good idea. He looks so peaceful. Yeah.

So who invented the chair? Was that the question? Yeah. Yes. What did you get? Just wanted to make sure I'll tell you who invented the chair. Let me go through the files. Sort of like a you have to just file through with your little fingies. And chairs, C, C, H, Catahoula. Okay, here we go. C, H, chairs. It looks like the inventor of the chair was his great-great-great grandpa. Oh, whoa. That makes sense. Furniture builder. Yes. Tears haven't been around that long. Oh no, I remember many years just sitting on bean bags like idiots. Wait, the bean bag was invented before the chair?

Oh, the bean bag is ancient beyond all telling. Yeah, Arnie, that's like you told us on your world that the lighter was invented before the match, which sounds insane, but look it up, it's true. I think all windshield wipers were invented before cars. That's like you told us on your world that the lighter was invented before the match, which sounds insane, but look it up, it's true. I think all windshield wipers were invented before cars. That's nothing. What are you... Just because you don't understand technology from my world, it's pretty interesting. It's pretty fucking interesting.

What's so surprising? It's beans in a bag. People had bags, they had beans, and they're like, we can sit on this. Okay. It was that or the ground, what are they gonna do? Yeah. Brodick, I have a question for you. Yep.

Do you have any way of confirming that the information you're getting out of people's head is accurate? No. I mean, that is the caveat. Did I not mention that up front? No. Shit. Yeah.

So your head is filled with people's dumb ideas. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes. Yes. That's part of the problem It's like the internet in your brain. Yeah, exactly. How much internet do you know about? I don't know much about it We only get an hour a week with Arnie's phone. Yeah, I'm trying to limit their screen time Hmm and that in those times were usually trying to come up with clever quips that can be tweets, but now we'll put all that energy into our t-shirt. Not me, I watch Bluey. You know what can handle all the screen time?

What? Cyclops, you know it's got two thumbs? And you can look at the screen all day? It just makes you smarter and more clear-eyed? Oh. This guy. Good, yeah, I see. Well, thank you for clarifying how many thumbs you had.

I didn't want to ask. Really bragging about having two thumbs. It's just the eyes. Overcompensating clearly. It's just the eyes. I have two of everything else except, you know. Where you got two noses? Exactly, yes.

Where's the second one? Well, what do you think? You want to find out? I have two buttholes, and I know where they are. I'll show you. Okay. Okay. All right, here we go.

Oh, right in the middle of your back. I wouldn't have guessed that. Yeah. Where'd you think it was gonna be? I don't know, maybe like on a bicep or something? I thought maybe it was like a adult teeth, baby teeth situation of like, if your original nose fell off, you'd have another one under there that was slightly more sturdy But now you're just smelling your own ass all day. It's a good point. It's it's also I mean some could say that's another curse

Look, I know that we are all standing around casually having a conversation in the scene of a crime that we've just committed But he's got a consent form that is true I was the most egregious thing you said already is that we're all standing around when we're in a chair shop. That's true. Wait. Oh, okay, yeah, I'm gonna sit. Is it all right if we read an email?

Are you asking me? Um, yeah. Are you okay with it, Brooke? I, hey, I'll take it, I'll put an eye on it. Let's do it. Okay, so. What if he said no? I know, fuck, we'd be in trouble

listeners if you want to email us you can email us at magic tavern at puppies dot supplies it's a real email address or you can join our patreon at patreon dot com slash magic tavern and you can message us there here's a message we got recently is you sedore somehow my three-year-old niece? She keeps taking my face into both her hands, leaning in and whispering, Aunt Jenny, I love rocks. My pockets have been filled with rocks lately, and I know it's her. If she's not whispering, she shouts every single thing

she says at the loudest possible volume. There is no in-between. Her favorite color is blue. She tells everyone, including strangers, who are just trying to mind their own business. She has many names including Two Toots McGee, Butt Butt, Moose Butt, and Arf Arf. And based on a somewhat wild look in her eyes, I suspect there are many secret names she's yet to reveal. When I brought her to a pet store for the first time last week and she saw the birds, she lost her mind.

She loves birds. I'm sure if she could find a way back herself, she would go free them all. So Ysidor, are you somehow a great wizard in Foon and my three-year-old niece? How can that be? Anyway, don't die you three. Love Aunt Jenny. Huh, off saving a tree, huh? Sounds like you turned yourself into a three-year-old and went to Earth. Well, I don't know if that's me or not. That was a long email though. Is this next week's episode?

Look, I know you're just ready to do more T-shirts. It's not the next episode. I have so many T-shirt ideas. I think it's possible that some aspect of me exists on Earth as this small three-year-old child. It's well documented that many of the aspects of this child are traits known to also belong to me. I love yelling at the top of my lungs.

I love birds, I love rocks. The great thing about rocks is sometimes Magical they hold great power, but most of the time they're just hard pieces of stuff magical holding great power Are you mean like a geode geodes? Oh, yeah, I love a geode. Oh geodes are so cool Arnie do you have geodes on earth? I think so. Oh fucking like a fuck when you first see a fucking geode oh my goddesses if this little girl sees a geode she might lose her shit we gotta get Jenny a geode we gotta get a jenny yeah yeah but Jenny Jenny Jenny Jenny if you're listening which I assume you're not you must get a geode and show it to this child.

If she turns into a bright shaft of light and her eyes glow red, then you'll know she's a wizard in disguise. Brock, speaking of aunts, do you know what happened to your surrogate? I mean, she is kind of like family in a way. Yeah, you still have a relationship there? Well, this is something I learned from breaking into

the house of a health teacher, elementary school health teacher. An aunt or aunt is only the sister of one of your parents. That is not a surrogate. So, a surrogate is somebody, again, daddy puts his stuff in a dish, mommy puts her stuff in a dish, we put the dish into the person,

and that person. The whole dish? I mean, it's a Petri dish. Okay, sure, sure. Have you seen a Petri dish? I think so. There's a whole new meaning to doing the dishes. Exactly.

That's a very good point. That's a shirt. Hey. No, it's not. Uh point. That's a shirt. Hey. No, it's not. So I'm sort of dancing around the answer, but the answer is no. There's a, what you do when you go into it as parents is you fill out a form that says how many visits

you might allow with the surrogate or no contact at all. In this case, my parents both selected no contact at all. So they both died. They were trying to change that, quite honestly, as they were dying, so I could have some sort of contact. And it didn't work out. They had the pin in hand, but it didn't work out.

Yeah, oh my gosh. Such a tragic beginning, Brock. I don't like to think of it that way, guys. I like to look on the bright side of life, you know? Sure. I ain't think of yourself unencumbered, right from the get-go. Exactly.

I wake up every morning. I rub the sleep out of that eye. I go outside. I take a stroll. I roam this great vast land. I meet people. Take a big whiff of your ass. I do.

Well, I try to avoid that in the morning. Well, I can, you know a big whiff of your ass. I do well I try to avoid that in the morning. Well, I can you know, only one operates at a time did I not mention? Oh, I didn't know that. Yes guys. There's a valve. There's a valve so I'm either I'm either front or back and Obviously, I avoid back at certain times of the sure There's a valve like is the valve like located equidistant between the two noses? Right in the goddamn center. Wow.

Inconvenient. Arnie and Ysidor, I thought now that we're coming to the end of the episode that you two might want to go ahead and apologize to me. Chunt, I'm so sorry for whatever I did. What is it, cuz? What did I do? Earlier today when I said, uh, I'm excited for the two of you to meet my one-eyed monster,

you two said, Oh, ew, Chunt, gross. And now I think you'll find that he's actually quite pleasant. You're right. Uh, I apologize. Uh, I did think you meant something else, uh, when you said that, in my defense. Now I see that True little badger penis out there and yeah. Well, it's always hold on. It's always out

Don't make me have to be some sort of pervert. I'm a I'm in the form of a badger. It's always out Yeah, yeah, but you don't need to wave it around. I mean we all come from a penis guys That's true. We all come from a penis In a store We all come from a penis All you fledgling improv students out there, remember, when comedy fails, resort to vandalism. Okay, let's get through these t-shirt plugs so quickly that my brain barely has time to get angry slash disappointed. The old Arnie and Usador shirts are gone, but now in our tea public store there's a limited time shirt where Arnie says a watched tree never dies, and a shirt where Usador says suck it, Neekamp, as the nation quietly says it with him.

There were a number of other regrettable shirt slogans thrown out in the episode, but as far as I could tell none of them were official or, you know, good, so for now the Chunt shirt stays the same. Link for the shirts in the show notes, I'm guessing. Usual the Wizard was played by Math Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Brock the Cyclops was played by special guest Charles Bryant. Charles is the co-host of the Wonderful Smart Funny Stuff You Should Know podcast. You probably already listened to it, but if not, treat yourself! You deserve better than this.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Joey Sleeman, Sir Graham Van Straat, which is my name, Travis Armstrong, scrambled up. What a fun activity to think about during the credits. It's like doing Werdell at the DMV. Casey Ronicles, Theo Theo Theo, Lance Cutter, Tiffany Pellatt, Paul Killian, and Thadwick Darling, the thoppish baby Peter Pan refused to bring to Neverland. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs, and at least two new bonus

episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode 2 of the new season of Shadow City with Anthony Burch Wow Big Dracula. Yeah, big Dracula. That's what they're gonna call it big It's part of the big exploitation movement. What are they trying to do recast me yours? You're so much bigger than me. Holy What are they trying to do recast me yours so much bigger than me See how dare you get out of here you shall never be Dracula Bella Bella, they're not even filming today Bella. They're not even filming today. Why are you in costume? Oh, I have to get in character. Ah

Beautiful Jean I shall see you later Wait, he's just He's a beautiful babe, I don't want to take make this take over too much But I do think before the season is over. We got to figure out what the fuck is going on with that vampire Gina young yeah, he's a he's a real vampire. They decided to put him in the pictures because he was so photogenic Yeah, why is he out in the sunlight? Because that's not how vampires work in this world. If that's the movie rules, we don't have to assume that it's all the movie rules are correct.

My skin shines like diamonds. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller Laban.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. I'm Tristan Redman and as a journalist, I've never believed in ghosts. But when I discovered that my wife's great grandmother was murdered in the house next door to where I grew up, I started wondering about the inexplicable things that happened in my childhood bedroom. When I tried to find out more, I discovered that someone who slept in my room after me, someone I'd never met, was visited by the ghost of a faceless woman. So I started digging into the murder in my wife's family and I unearthed family secrets nobody could have imagined. Ghost Story won Best Documentary Podcast at the 2024 Ambys and is the best True Crying nominee at the British Podcast Awards 2024. Ghost Story is now the first ever Apple Podcast Series Essential.

Each month, Apple Podcast editors spotlight one series that has captivated listeners with masterful storytelling, creative excellence and a unique creative voice and vision. To recognise Ghost Story being chosen as the first Series Essential, Wondry has made it ad-free for a limited time only on Apple Podcasts. If you haven't listened yet, head over to Apple Podcasts to hear for yourself.